Board Games

Desire: A Follow-up

You know that meme, “how it started/how it’s going”? I’m doing that today, but in text form!

Basically, I just want to take a quick look back at my “24 Days of Desire” feature and see how many of them have been fulfilled. It’s been almost a year now, I should have been able to get everything I wanted, right? Let’s see!

Day 1: Television – This was about me wanting to have cable, and if I recall correctly, it was specifically so I could watch the Chucky series. Well, I never got cable, because that would be stupid, and I still haven’t watched Chucky, because I don’t pirate TV shows or movies any more. Chucky is also on Paramount+, which has other things I want to watch, so I’m thinking about a subscription to that… But probably won’t bother.

Day 2: A better GPU – Ain’t got this. I’ve heard that prices are going down, but I haven’t bothered to look in many months. Besides, I only wanted it to beef up my Quest 2, so it’s right down at the bottom of my priority ladder.

Day 3: Star Wars sequels box set – I haven’t looked to see if this exists, and I don’t actually care enough to check. This was a filler episode, for sure.

24 Days of Desire (4): Rock Jocks

So there’s this board game café downtown that I went to a couple weekends ago, and they have so many board games. Like, walls and walls and walls just crammed with board games. I would suggest that they have all the board games, but I know that is not the truth of the matter.

There are at least two board games absent from their collection. One is It From the Pit, which I have written about at length before. The other is Rock Jocks. Behold!

Nintendo Direct – 9/13/2018

Another Nintendo Direct happened yesterday. That’s what, like four in just over a month now? Looks like they don’t intend to ever let the Switch hype train slow down. In any case, this one was slightly over half an hour long, and had like a bajillion games highlighted. I’m gonna have to be very concise if I’m going to keep this under 3000 words…

Luigi’s Mansion 3 – Right on! I’m definitely down for this! At least, depending on when it releases.Too many games, and all that. Also, I still need to play Dark Moon, which could very well never happen.

3DS Games – Kirby’s Extra Epic Yarn, Bowser’s Inside Story, and Luigi’s Mansion. All ports of games I very much liked, but not so much that I need to buy them again on a dying platform. Also there was a Yo-kai Watch thing and I just cannot be bothered to care.

Splatoon 2 v.4 – Another free update that ostensibly adds a bunch of new weapons and clothes. Maybe even a stage or two? This one also seems to come with new sub-weapons and supers, which is really cool and not something that usually happens with the free updates? They didn’t go into great detail on what’s going to be included.

Mega Man 11 – I have already played the demo far more than necessary, and I am so excited for this game to come out next month. It feels so good, like Mega Man game should. I’m a little disappointed at how bland the amiibo feature is (daily free items), but not at all surprised.

Mario Tennis Aces – There’s a free update with new characters. Also a new co-op challenge mode where you can win new skins and whatnot. I’d like to care, but I’ll never play this game.

Capcom Beat ‘Em Up Bundle – This is cool! Seven classic beat ’em ups on one package, some of which were previously arcade exclusive. Not something I personally would buy, but I like that Capcom is reviving some of their B/C-tier stuff.

New Super Mario Bros U Deluxe – I still want to play Super Luigi U at some point, but I’d rather spend the $25 on Wii U than another $80 on this port bundle. Adding Nabbit and Toadette as playable characters is neat, but not nearly enough.

Katamari Damacy REROLL – I am tentatively excited about this. I need to know whether or not it’s just a port of the first game, and that’s not overly clear from this trailer. And if it is just a port/remaster, what kind of price are we looking at?

Nintendo Switch Online – Paid online service, $25 a month, free NES games and cloud saves. Nothing new here, but it was a cute video. A really cute video.

Pokémon Let’s Go – No new information here. Obviously I am super excited for this.

Diablo III – I’ve never played Diablo III, and likely won’t ever play Diablo III. Although it does look strikingly similar to the kind of game that I would really enjoy.

Super Mario Party – Ugh, it’s Mario Party, I have absolutely no inter… wait, single player modes!?

Town – A cute new RPG from Game Freak. Apparently the entire game takes place in one town. So that’s different. It looks really cool though, something I’ll keep an eye on. Also, spoilers: this is my most hype new announcement of the Direct.

Cities Skylines – I gave up on SimCity decades ago.

Daemon X Machina – I was already on board because it’s an action game about flying around in mech suits. Now they’re telling me I can swipe weapons and parts from downed mecha and use them for myself? Guys, thank you for building a game specifically for me!

Yoshi’s Crafted World – Totes adorbs, I like the world-altering gimmicks. Let’s be honest, it’s a Yoshi game, so I’ll be buying it regardless.

Board games on Switch – I don’t see myself buying any board games on Switch, but it’s really cool that there’s going to be a digital version of Pandemic out.

Civilization VI – Considering how addictive people say this game is, I think it’s best that I just keep myself out of this one’s way.

Starlink: Battle for Atlas – This looks like an actually good Star Fox game. Plus the Switch version allows you to play as all the Star Fox guys! I’m all-in on this one!

The World Ends With You: Final Mix – Sorry, don’t care.

Xenoblade 2 DLC – Aww, people who bought the season pass get it a week early? Well, I don’t have time for this right now, anyway. And I also want to buy the physical version.

Warframe – Meh.

Just Dance 2019 – Meh.

FIFA ’19 – Meh.

Team Sonic Racing – Meh.

NBA 2K19 – Meh.

NBA 2K Playgrounds 2 – I bought the first one, but I no longer have time for sports games.

LEGO DC Super Villains – Meh.

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles Remastered – Now with online play? Oh yes, that is a thing that I want! But I don’t know if I’d actually buy it again…

Final Fantasy XV Potato Edition – Full disclosure: I bought this immediately after the Direct was over. I really liked FFXV, and I think I’ll like it even more without all the bloat.

Chocobo’s Mystery Dungeon: Every Buddy – The indie obsession has killed my appreciation for roguelikes. Sorry, Chocobo. It’s just not happening.

Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age – This is my reward for not buying it on PS4. Now I can play FFXII everywhere! *maniacal laughter*

Final Fantasy VII HD – WHAT

Final Fantasy IX HD – Wait, you missed one…

Final Fantasy X & X-2 HD Remaster – No, I’m serious. Where’s FFVIII? That’s the one I want. (Realtalk: all these Final Fantasies on Switch is awesome. I wish I had a reason to buy them, but I own most of them two or three times already. Except XII; I’m totes buying XII.)

Super Smash Bros Ultimate – There’s a Switc bundle with a fancy dock and joy-cons… Oh! And also Isabelle is now a fighter! I don’t do the whole “waifu” thing, but if I did, Isabelle would totally be my waifu. Yes, I know she’s a dog. We’ll make it work. But, I don’t think I can play Smash now, because I couldn’t bear to hurt Isabelle 🙁

Animal Crossing Switch – Oh, hey. This is a thing now. Coming next year. I… don’t care.

Board Games I Never Had

In these glorious days of adulthood, I find myself wanting for things much less often than I did as a child. It’s probably because I make my own money now, and can go out and recklessly buy whatever it is I want, whenever I want. Or perhaps it’s because I have so much less free time than I did as a child, and the things I have are more than enough to fill it.

Regardless, I don’t have a real wishlist these days. Things that I desire never seem out of reach, and there aren’t really that many things that I want. But back when I was a kid? Oh, you’d better believe that I coveted every cool-looking toy that had a commercial aimed at my demographic. Don’t get me wrong, I was spoiled silly and had tons of toys and games and books etc, etc, etc. Being the materialistic monster that I am, of course I always wanted more and more and more.

Some of the things that stick out the most in my memory are less obvious than you might expect: board games. I had plenty of those, but I don’t recall too many of them being the fancy-pants kind with whirring gizmos and electronic kajiggers. I hold some of the board games that I did own in great reverence, but the dreams of what could have been will always linger. So today, we’re going to take a quick look at the ones that got away.

These are not in any particular order, mind you, and the descriptions are mostly cobbled-together half-memories from the commercials and my own imagination. That said, let’s we go, amigos!

Continue reading Board Games I Never Had

The Squirrel Game

For the longest time, I was under the impression that The Squirrel Game was one of the greatest board games that I’ve ever played. It was one of my childhood favorites, and I have many a fond memory of playing the game. So, as I did with The Hamburger Game, I told my friends the legend, and whaddya know, one of them just happened to still own it. And then I knew that I would finally get to play this game that I loved so much again. Well, there was only one problem.

As many happy memories of the game that I have, they don’t make up for how bad the game really is. It is truly one of the most confusing and redundant games I’ve ever played. The board is shaped all weird, and every player moves along it in his or her own direction, making progressing a tricky task. Then there’s the goal of the game: to collect pinecones. Why would squirrels want pinecones? I thought they liked acorns. But the way the pinecone collecting system works is very unrefined, and causes much anger in the hearts of the players.

But even after discovering that The Squirrel Game is nowhere near as great as I remember it being, I still wanted to compose an article on this game of yesteryear. Now I could just do a review, but most of my articles lately have been reviews, so this one is gonna play out a bit differently. Again, since I don’t own the game, I didn’t take the pictures. This time though, they are of much better quality, because this time the photographer knew the value of the focus feature. Some are still a bit blurry, but in the end, it’s much better than The Hamburger Game’s pics.

This is a story about a magical day in Carpet Land. Many strange things happen there every day, but this is one story that will put all the others to shame.

One fine day in Carpet Land, a large plastic bag appeared from out of nowhere. Nobody was quite sure what it was, and since the contents were so jumbled up, they couldn’t tell what was in it. The DVD player suggested that perhaps someone should try to open this mysterious bag, but the GameCube controller knew better and told him that they had best leave it alone. So everyone agreed and went back to their daily routines of sitting around unused.

Not long after it arrived, the plastic bag began to rumble and open, as if some giant unseen force were rumbling and opening it. After some ten seconds or so, a small area of forest appeared. It was quite square, and had a winding path going through it. Along with the forest appeared four squirrels, each clad in colourful suspenders. The final thing that appeared was a strange red tub full of pinecones. Nobody was sure what was going to happen, but it seemed as if the squirrels thought they were right at home.

The green squirrel and the yellow squirrel turned out to be a team of sorts, as they quickly put distance between themselves and the other squirrels. After they found a place to set up a small fort, they started talking in hushed voices and looking towards the red tub. Green and yellow were definitely in the mindset that they needed those pinecones, and it they knew that the red and blue squirrels weren’t going to make it easy for them. They knew they were going to have to take them by force.

Meanwhile, red and blue were also conspiring about how to get those pinecones. They also knew that their rivals were going to try to take the pinecones from them. But unlike green and yellow, blue and red were going to try to reason with green and yellow. They were the kinder of the four squirrels, and they didn’t want to have to resort to dirty tricks, so they simply headed out towards the tub.

But green and yellow were one step ahead! While blue and red were busy regrouping, yellow and green had already begun their warfare, and had created an earthquake machine! The machine started up and made some terrible tremors, causing blue and red to fall over! It wouldn’t have been so bad, but their wheelbarrows had fallen too, and squirrels aren’t too strong, so they had a hard time turning them upright again. Those dastardly green and yellow squirrels! What were they planning next?

Suddenly a large deity of sorts descended from the skies. It was simply a hand, and all the squirrels looked up in awe. They had never seen anything like it before. The hand came closer to the ground and suddenly it was apparent that it was holding something! The object was a strange cube with dots and pinecones carved onto all of its sides. The squirrels were mesmerized by the strange object and couldn’t take their eyes off it.

The great hand then dropped the cube without warning and the squirrels all felt compelled to move along the forest path. The hand kept picking up and dropping the cube and the squirrels kept moving along the path. They had no idea why they were doing it, but they kept it up anyway.

As they moved along, they discovered two things. The first was that there were pinecone symbols drawn into the path at certain places, and if they landed on these, some pinecones from the tub magically moved into their wheelbarrows. They each also discovered a secret hole where they could hide any pinecones they acquired. As they kept moving along, they gained more and more pinecones. At one point, green even managed to steal some of blue’s pinecones.

But at that point, green noticed that his wheelbarrow was getting far too heavy to push, and that if he were to acquire any more pinecones, it might tip over and spill them all. So he rushed to his hiding spot as fast as he could, making sure to avoid the pinecone symbols to the best of his ability. He made it there just in the nick of time, as he’d gotten very tired from all that pushing. But then he noticed that his stash had been emptied! What was going down here? Witchery? Kleptomaniacal forest creatures? No, it had to have been those red and blue squirrels.

In a fit of rage, green denied the power of the cube and ran towards the tub with all his might. The other squirrels hadn’t noticed, and they all continued on their merry ways. Though his payload was heavy, green knew that he had to heist the whole tub, or else the others would be able to make off with his pinecones. And that couldn’t happen. Not to green. He knew that yellow was a traitorous bastard, and that he was secretly plotting with red and blue, so he felt no pity for his former partner.

Green got to the tub, pinecones in tow, and only then did he realize that there was no way he could load all of those pinecones onto his wheelbarrow. He sat and thought for a minute and then came up with a plan. He figured that since the tub was so very magical, it wouldn’t be very heavy, and so if he loaded that onto his barrow, he would be able to carry them all.

As magical as it was, the tub was just far too heavy for little green to lift. He tried and tried, but there was no way it was going to happen. He even tried pushing it, but he had very little success, and he didn’t have time to dawdle. In the end, he managed to fall into the tub! Now he was faced with the challenge of getting himself and his barrow out of the tub. After trying very hard, he managed to finally overcome the challenge and escape from the magical dish.

Though he had escaped with his life, green was still unsatisfied. He thought some more, and then it came to him. In the forest, he had seen one place with a symbol of three pinecones. There was nothing else like it anywhere else, so perhaps it was the key to getting all of those pinecones. He rushed back to the forest as quickly as he could in hopes that he had found the secret of the pinecones.

After much searching and stealthily avoiding the other squirrels, green finally found that spot with the triple-pinecone symbol. He moved closer and placed his wheelbarrow over it. Then, to his surprise, he saw the stream of pinecones fly toward him. He had done it! And not only did they come to him, they followed him around too, floating magically in single file.

Green ran back to his hiding spot, with the pinecones in hot pursuit. He almost stepped out right in front of red once, but quickly jumped back into the trees and just barely avoided being seen. As soon as red was out of sight, he continued his trek towards home base. He made it there, and all the pinecones flooded into his hiding spot. He had won! He had all the pinecones to himself! Now that he had them all, he could skip town and head to Closet Land to live the good life.

But then out of nowhere, a giant robot came crushing through the forest! Green turned to run, but the robot was clearly following him! As much as he didn’t want to, he knew that he had to leave the pinecones and save his life. He kept running, but the robot was gaining on him. There was no way he could escape, as the robot was very tall and would be able to see him no matter where he ran.

But then he came to a clearing, and he stopped in shock. In front of him stood the yellow, blue, and red squirrels. They looked very agitated, and green knew that he had been had. He tried to plead for forgiveness, but then the robot appeared and they got frightened and ran away. Green was surprised that they hadn’t been controlling it to get revenge on him, and he just stood there in shock. The robot grabbed him and started shaking him around violently. Green saw the error of his ways, but it was too late. The robot kept up his fierce attack, and green finally passed out.

The robot then threw green to the ground, and started chase after the rest of the squirrels. Yellow tripped on a rock and since red and blue never turned around to look back, they could only presume he was shaken silly. Then the robot managed to catch up and grab red. He squirmed for his life, and blue could only stare in shock as his partner was shaken around ferociously. After the robot was done with red, blue knew he was no match, covered his eyes and curled up into the fetal position.

After a while he noticed that nothing was happening. He opened his eyes, and saw that the robot was gone, along with red. Blue got up and wondered what had just happened. After finding no trace of his friend, blue decided to make the best of a bad situation and took all the pinecones from green’s stash and moved them to his own. Then he laid back and stretched out under the sun and fell asleep.

Since all the other squirrels had disappeared, blue no longer had any worry of losing his precious pinecones. Life was good, and he was the king of the forest. And so ends our little tale of squirrels and pinecones.

Or does it?

I like to think that I pulled that one off pretty well. My English teacher says I should write a graphic novel, and at this point in my life, this is about as close as it gets. Hell, I’m not even sure what a graphic novel is. I guess it’s just a story with pictures, right? Well, in any case, I think the story played out pretty well, even if it did get a little evil near the end. I wasn’t planning on having that happen, but I had to work with what pictures were given to me, and that’s the best I could do.

So just as a little reminder, The Squirrel Game is a very bad game, unless you’re making a little story out of it. If you use the squirrels as toys, it’s all well and good. I actually never planned to do this “review” as a story, but I got sick of the normal review-type stuff. I know it took me a lot less time to do it this way, because it just flows when you’re writing a story, and for reviews you have to pick out certain information, and omit things that aren’t pertinent, and it’s just a lot harder. So I might do more stuff like this in the future too. I enjoyed doing this and Hylian Idol, so there’s definitely potential for more.

The Hamburger Game

I know that as of late, a lot of my content has been revolving around video games. I intend to stop that trend with this here article. I haven’t really written about anything non-video game for a while (excluding holiday specials), and it’s making my site seem too video game-oriented. Of course, that’s what I love, so it’s okay, but that’s not why I made the site. I wanted to write about all sorts of different stuff. That includes toys, games, food, movies, whatever. If I can think of something I love and think might interest others, I’ll write about it.

I’ve been playing board games my whole life, and you think by now I’d be pretty good. But the fact of the matter is, it’s almost always up to the dice to decide who’s gonna win. A lot of them are games of chance, and very few require a lot of skill or thinking. That’s why for the most part, they’re aimed at children. But hey, they’re fun, and that’s why I’ve been spending a lot of time playing them lately.

During the last semester of school, me and my friends have been playing board games a lot during spare. At first it was Monopoly. We played Monopoly for months. Every day we played at least one game. It was starting to get annoying, so we mixed it up by playing Star Wars Monopoly instead. Then when we got annoyed with that, we moved onto Star Wars Battleship. That one didn’t last too long, but I did have a much better record, 5-1, than I did at Monopoly, 5-(no clue). We knew we had to find something new and fast. That’s when I remembered the Hamburger Game.

One of the most cherished of my childhood memories, the Hamburger Game is still one of my personal favorite board games to play. Most of my friends think it’s exceedingly stupid, but I love it. I mean, how could you not like a game that is about food? All food-type games I can think of are great; the Hamburger Game, Pizza Party, Grape Escape, and to a lesser extent, Candy Land. Actually, the Grape Escape game is a lot better than all of them if you just intend to smash the Play-Doh grapes over and over, but I still think quite highly of the Hamburger Game.

Oh, and one more little thing before I really get into it, my friend took all the pics, not me. I know he hasn’t learned the word ‘focus’, but I don’t actually have the game, so there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it. Just keep in mind that I didn’t take them, so you shouldn’t get angry at me when you can’t tell whether a picture is of a tomato or a jackalope. Not my fault. Got it? Just wanna keep myself on the innocent side here. Ok, back to the thingy.

Above, you can see the game board. It’s full of all sorts of crazy crap, and may even seem a bit confusing if you have no idea how the game is played. But the rules of the game are actually quite simple. There are two to four players competing to collect all the pieces for their burger. It’s just like a big game of memory, with a die and pawns. And even the pawns are pretty basic, as they’re the same pawns that come in 60% of all the board games out there.

In the center here, we have all the little white spaces where all the burger pieces are placed. The only trick is that they’re face-down!! I guess it doesn’t seem so easy now, does it? You may also notice that the lettuce seems to be hitting on the tomato, but I’ll get to that a bit later. Basically, the way the game is played, is that the player rolls, moves, and then tries to find the burger ingredient that they landed on. If they find it, they get it. If not, tough cookies.

When a player scores a piece, they get to put it in this handy little area to keep it safe from the others. It’s even got a little position for each ingredient. Isn’t that thoughtful? Now you may wonder, “But what if I only want a veggie burger? Or a burger without onions?” Well once again, tough cookies. You’re supposed to be some fast-food guy making burgers for real people who eat real burgers, not wuss-burgers. At least that’s what I like to think. I think you’re thinking that I’ve gotten way too into this game. And if you are thinking that, you’re right.

This is what a complete burger… box… thing… looks like. Oh yes, and there’s one important little detail I forgot to mention. No matter how many times you land on it and find it, you have to pick up the bun last. Once again, you question the game’s logic, since the bun character is the whole bun, but the instructions say that it’s only the top of the bun. Besides, when making a burger, I imagine you’d gather all the ingredients before you start putting it together, so it makes sense in a roundabout way. Maybe that last paragraph didn’t make sense to you, but it worked in my head, so I’m not changing it.

And this one is what the game might look like when being played, with all the pieces in place, and the crappy little pawns all over. Notice how they lack so much detail. I would have preferred comical standy characters, but when I think about it, there are no characters aside from the ingredients in this game. So I guess you get away with it this time, Chieftain Games. But next time… next time will be different. I’ll make the New Hamburger Game, and it will be the greatest game ever!! I’ll show you all!! SHOW YOU ALL! Ahem. You’ll have to excuse me. I tend to go insane from time to time.

Ah crap! There is one more thing I forgot to tell youse. This space here is called “The Kitchen”. Sounds pretty hardcore, eh? Well, it is. It’s the only reason that I ever lose this damn game. You see, when you land on your own Kitchen, you can call any piece you want and go for it, but if you land on opponent’s Kitchen you’re screwed. In that scenario, they get to steal any piece that they want from you. And trust me, it’s a huge problem. Like I said, I always lose because of these damned squares!

And now that I’ve given you an idea how the game goes down, we’ll take a look at each of the characters. Sure, by all means they’re just run-of-the-mill foodstuffs with faces, but my friends and I were able to give them all personalities. Yes, we have absolutely nothing better to do in the three hours we have between classes. Two spares in a row before lunch may sound like a good idea, but trust me, unless you want to waste a lot of gas, being stuck in school for that long is not very fun at all.

Our first and most confusing character is Kelly Ketchup. The problem with Kelly is his/her/it’s gender obscurity. The name is no help, as ‘Kelly’ is regularly applied to both males and females. The character itself holds no evidence of sexuality either, as the face is as totally gender neutral as the rest of the body. Finally, Kelly isn’t even on the box, so there’s no way at all to tell which gender this particular bottle of ketchup is. Kelly is kind of like the Pat of the Hamburger Town.

Next up is Billy Bun. There isn’t a whole lot to say about him. He’s the most annoying bun you’ll ever meet, because he keeps popping up when you don’t want to see him. I guess if anything, he’s a monster, because as depicted on both the box and the center square, he intends to eat all the other ingredients. He’s just making it seem like they’re going on a nice little ride, but when they’re all on there you just know he’s gonna munch ‘em all up like so many condiments before them. Gee… Now I really don’t like Billy.

These two are Peter and Paula Pickle. There are two theories for these two. The first one, my theory, is that Peter is a cannibal and ate Paula, and on the tiles, she’s just a cardboard standy. My reasoning is that only Peter is on the box. So where is Paula? Where is she? The second, less appreciated theory is that they’re just normal pickles, but they enjoy the company of each other just a little bit too much, if you know what I mean. If you don’t get it, here’s a hint: it starts with an “In” and ends with a “Cest”. Another point of interest, my friend Stacey seems to harbour some sort of strange attraction to these pickles. I suggested that a cucumber might be more satisfying and was promptly kicked.

This guy is Oscar Onion. As you can tell, he’s quite the wussy. Always crying, even on the box. Just look at the guy. He’s pathetic, like some sort of pity whore. I mean, maybe he realizes his fate and is very unhappy about it, but if I knew I was going to be killed and eaten, I wouldn’t stand around crying, I’d get the Hell out of there. Other than that, Oscar is a very uninteresting character. Just like real onions.

If Kelly Ketchup is the Pat, then Marsha Mustard is the floozy of Hamburger Town. Just looking at her, you can see how much of a tart she is. And the proof is all over the box. On the cover, she’s clearly fondling the cheese, and then on the side she’s moved on to another of the condiments. Sure, maybe the guys who designed it just didn’t care about continuity, and they probably never thought that it would be analyzed by a bunch of immature teenagers, but that’s very unlikely.

Charlie Cheese is another one of those characters that you really can’t make up anything funny about. He’s full of holes, so maybe he’s been shot a lot? All I know is that I have no respect for him, because he’s a sucker for that hussy Marsha’s seductive ways. Damn fool probably pays for sex. I guess there really aren’t any other characters fit for that job, as most of the others are male, dead, or lesbians. But maybe I should stop with all the sex jokes and stuff, this has gotten a little too dirty even for me. Oh well, it’s not like any kids read these things.

Ah, good old “Beefy” Burger. This guy’s got a lot of problems. First off, he’s always on fire. Why? Nobody’s sure, but it is quite odd. Secondly, his name is in quotation marks, suggesting that he’s taken on a false name. Now why would he do that? The general consensus is that he is the one who shot Charlie full of holes. Why he changed his name we don’t know, as there are no cops in Hamburger Town. Well, ther’s that one guy, but he’s too busy chasing the Hamburglar. And there aren’t any other ‘Burgers’ there either. Did he really think changing his name would fool anyone? It didn’t fool me.

Linda Lettuce. She seems quite happy and normal on the tiles, but take a closer look at the box and center of the board. It’s plain to see that she is glaring rather seductively at the tomato. Now this really doesn’t seem so bad, but wait ‘till you hear this; the tomato is a chick! That means only one thing. Linda is a lesbian. No bones about it, but it’s not like there’s anything wrong with that. She’s always after the tomato, too. At least she’s not a tramp like Marsha.

Our last character is Theresa Tomato. Not only does she have to deal with constantly being hit on by Linda, but she’s also got quite a physical load to bear. She’s a plumper, and it’s impossible to deny. The fattest resident of Hamburger Town. That’s quite the title to have, and it probably wouldn’t be so bad if she was a guy, but she’s a chick and the truth is that our society is just not that kind to overweight women. She has Linda, at least, but otherwise must deal with the disapproving glares of all the other foodstuffs. Did you know tomatoes are berries? Poor Theresa. She’s probably praying for death.

And that’s the whole crew. They’re some pretty farked-up foods, eh? What’s that? I’m the one who made it all up so I must be the one with problems? Nah, that can’t be. Remember, this was a team effort. I wrote this article all by myself, but a lot of the ideas came from my friends. Heck, I even drew a comic about it, and it’ll be posted up somewhere eventually.

All in all, after playing this game a few times to bring back the fond memories, I can certainly say that it’s even more fun that I remember. It might have something to do with the fact that I was playing with people other than myself, but I think it also had to do with the fact that it’s so simple and fun after playing stuff like Monopoly for so long. I’d certainly recommend playing this game to anyone. If only it wasn’t so extinct. Sadly, my friends don’t love it quite as much as I do, and after about a week, we moved onto Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. I wish I had a lot of my old games…

Well, that’s that. I guess it’s time for the little conclusion/news thing I do at the end of every article. If you didn’t pick up on it during the article, I really love the Hamburger Game, and so many other games I played as a child. They were a lot better back then, and more original too. I mean, there’s gotta be like 5 billion different versions of Monopoly out there, and at least 27 versions of Clue. And these are all that they’re making these days. I’d like to see some old board game remakes. Particularly the Hamburger Game, the Squirrel Game, and Rockin’ Robins. Ooh! And Shark Attack, but I think one of my friends might still have that one.

So now that this is done, I guess I’ll move onto something new. I don’t know what that something is, but I’m sure I’ll find it pretty soon. I plan to finish the 6-Foot 3-Pak thing in the near future, and it’ll be in two installments, too, as the last two games are pretty huge in themselves. Valentine’s Day is just around the bend, but that certainly isn’t going to bring in any article material. I’m going on a trip soon, and with my soon-to-be-newly-acquired digital camera, you can expect pics of that to be up sometime. And with that, I’m done. I’ve passed 2500 words so there’s no more reason for me to hang around here.

The Christmas Gift List of 2003

It’s that time of year again, Christmas time. Or more accurately, it was that time of year again. The event itself is long done, but the season still lingers and won’t be gone until sometime around the time when school starts again. Our happy little holiday has come and gone, but like every year before, it has left its mark on pretty much everyone. As much as I hate to admit it, Christmas is celebrated by pretty much everyone and anyone, except the Jews. And I’m pretty sure they get a little of the spirit anyway, what with it being everywhere. Christmas is no longer a special holiday for us good little Christians, but an event for everyone. While that’s probably for the best, it seems a little unfair. But I’m not writing an essay on the commercialization of Christmas, so I’ll shut up about that before I really offend anyone.

Cartoon characters argue about it all the time, and I’m not exactly sure of it, but I think Christmas is about giving, getting, love, the birth of Christ, and delicious baked goods all at the same time. I mean why not get a little bit of all the good stuff? Why settle for one meaning when you can have 5? It just makes sense. Today I’m gonna be focusing more on the getting side. In the wrong context, that sounds kinda dirty. As I did for Easter and my birthday, I’m going to be doing a rundown of every gift and treat that I got this Christmas. Unlike the former two, this one is gonna be divided into 2 pages. Why? Because I can.

The first page (this one, for those of you who are a little slower) will show off the stocking stuffers and all the gifts that I got from people that don’t live in my house. After all that is through, you’ll find a link taking you to page 2. There, you can see all the stuff I got from my parents, my brothers, and the legendary Santa Claus (minus the stocking crap). Also, I’ll show a couple things that were addressed to the family rather than exclusively to myself. Then it’ll be done and I’ll provide a link to the Articles board in my message boards where you can discuss all sorts of crazy crap. Then comes my sig and e-mail address and then you’ll have to find something else to read. So let’s get started already!

Actually, on one last note, the pics are a little bit lower quality than usual because my webcam software doesn’t get along with Windows 2000, so just bear with it for now until I find a proper substitute.

As I stated in that long and unnecessary intro, we’ll start with the stocking stuffin’s and then move on to gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. One little note before I start, not everything got immortalized in a picture, some stuff (mostly money) couldn’t be present at the time so I had to do without. Of course, I’ll make mention of the gift and who it came from, just for the sake of completeness. So, here’s my stocking:

As you can see (if you look close enough), it has been stuffed to the point where it’s become misshapen and somewhat pointy. I myself hadn’t really rooted through it before I took the pics, I was waiting to get a picture of it before I was tempted to eat the delectable goodies that were sure to lurk inside. And lurk they certainly did. Let’s dump it out and see what’s inside.

Ah, quite the pile of mess I’ve made. That’s the second thing I’ve typed that sounds really wrong without the proper context. While we can clearly make out a few things in the pile, I feel some strange need to arrange it neatly and take another picture so that you can tell what everything is without a detailed description. At this point I can see that it’s not quite as full of exciting stuff like it has been in past years, but the candy haul looks decent, so I’m happy.

Ok, time for a list. In this bag we have:

A stuffed novelty Dallas Cowboys football. My dad was jealous until he got his.
A chocolate Santa on a stick. Clearly came from the same mold as the chocolate Easter Bunny on a stick.
Circular Candy Cane. So many C’s, none of them worth it. O_o
A gift certificate for some book store. I was far too disinterested to know which one or how much it’s worth.
Box of 5 CD-Rs. I guess half a box is better than none. Though I still have 13 left over from the birthday.
Net full of chocolate Santas. Also mysteriously shaped like the Easter Bunny chocolates.
Gift card for Blockbuster. This could be useful when I need to rent video games, unlock my door or pretend I have an important person keycard.
A stick of deodorant. Not my preferred brand, but it’ll do.
5-pak of Tic-Tacs. That rhymed. Sweet.
Many, many Life Savers. All in a small, festive, book-like box
Mini-milk carton with the Cat in the Hat on it. I hate that cat. Apparently, the carton is filled with Whoppers. Anybody want some Whoppers?
Finally, a box of Hot Tamales. The cream of the crop? Yes.

I usually don’t do lists, especially unordered lists, but it’s a special occasion. I think that in the end I made out pretty good on the candy front. I ended up with a box of Hot Tamales and a ton of Tic-Tacs. Those could have been the only things in the stocking and I’d have been fine. The Candy Cane thing is a good entry, but I frown upon the Whoppers. CD-R’s are nice to have, but I’ve got a ton already. And the money substitutes will no doubt come in handy sooner or later. I don’t buy books until I have a gift certificate, so it’s time for me to do some reading! So now that that’s covered, I’ll move on to the presents. Mmmm presents.

Wouldn’t you know it, I just got out of a veritable grab bag and stumbled into a second. My grandparents always send a bag of useful-type stuff, littered with other less-useful fun things. This one came with deodorant (more Mitchum? Dammit! I told everyone I like Brut!), plenty of hair gel (it just hit me now that the blue bottle actually came in the stocking…), dental floss, gum, free golf, movie money, a scarf (which hadn’t left my neck until I took the pics), and some mittens. There was also a pair of boxers and some socks, but they were in the washing machine while I was taking the pics. I also got a new hockey stick, which is sadly enough in the same state as my old one; brand new. Not the absolute greatest stuff, but damned if I won’t appreciate getting it all.

One of my uncles gave me fifty bucks. It came in a nice card which is now sitting on one of the many tables in my living room. My aunt and uncle who live way in Ontario sent a card with another forty dollars enclosed. It has also found a home somewhere in the living room among all the other cards. The money wasn’t able to show up because I didn’t feel like finding my wallet. It always gets lost in my room. Perhaps I should look for it? Nah. When I need it, it’ll find me. That’s what wallets do.

Next up is the stuff from my other set of grandparents. The dark mass on the left is a new pair of jeans. They fit suspiciously well for new jeans. The only other jeans that have fit so well are jeans that have been worn in, but these had the tags and everything, so they certainly aren’t second-hand. Up on top is Big Shiny Tunes 8. I’ve been complaining that ever since 5, they’ve just been getting crappier each year, but I can’t complain with this one. It’s not too bad for a bunch of bands I never heard of. I still don’t like Linkin Park or Simple Plan, but “Get Loose” by The Salads makes it all worth it. If you haven’t heard the song, go listen to it now. Absolute best song from a band named after food ever. EVER.

And if you can’t make out the title, the big block on the right is a Shmuzzle Puzzle. Never heard of ‘em? Well nor had I until I saw it on TV, and then I knew I had to have it. It’s only 160-some pieces, but they’re all shaped the exact same! And they fit together in like a billion ways, so I assume that it’s gonna be quite the challenge to get this bad boy done. The box even says it’s a twin threat to my sanity. But I love puzzles and threats to my sanity, so I know I’ll enjoy doing it.

From another of my aunt and uncles, I got this little treasure; Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga. If you liked Super Mario RPG, you’ll more than likely enjoy this one. If you liked Paper Mario too, you’ll definitely love this. It’s the perfect cross between the two, and I absolutely love it. There isn’t a single thing I can’t say a good thing about in this game. The story is great, the dialogue is hilarious, the graphics and sound are spot-on, and it’s about 20 hours for an expert (good time for a GameBoy RPG). Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, it’s fun too. The battle system is very interactive and you can’t really take your eyes off the action like in most RPGs. I love it. Plus, it’s got the Mario Bros.game I get hooked on so easily and finally, an unofficial two-player option for those with a GameCube and a GameBoy Player.

From my cousin, another Big Shiny CD. Big Shiny 90’s this time. Mucho better than the other one, because it’s got music that’s closer to my preferred music era. Not only that, but it’s 2 CDs! Talk about your sweet deals. The not sweet deal is that it’s Volume 2, and I don’t have any volume 1 to speak of so I guess I’ll have to go searching for that now. It’s still a great compilation and I highly recommend it. From the fragments of commercial I can pick out of my memory I think the first one was better, but as it stands, I like this one just fine.

I’m not quite at 2000 words yet, but it’s time for me to make the move into the next page, which will be a bot longer. Oops… I’ll leave it to your imagination whether that was supposed to be “bit” or “lot”. Maybe I really did want to spell “bot”. Maybe I should quit trying to squeeze in a bunch of extra words to make the unspoken quota. Then again, most of the tags are counting as words so it’s a little inaccurate. But that don’t matter, we’ll just say I ended this page with a healthy 1900 words. Be sure to click on the link below to find out what the rest of my gifts were. If you don’t, I’ll know. And then I’ll get you for it.

[Pretend there’s a page break here. Years ago there actually was one!]

I guess the best place for me to start off is where I left off. Now that you’ve seen all that various crap, it’s time for a lot more crap! Only this crap came from my parents, siblings, and there are even a few presents from me in there somewhere. And to top it all off are a few gifts that were addressed to the whole family rather than just for me. I know I’ve told you this before but I thought I’d remind you, and I just didn’t feel right starting with a picture.

Every year for my birthday and Christmas, my dad gets me some sort of tool. I think it’s a pretty sweet deal, because I use them a lot. Maybe not for what they’re meant for, but I use them a lot. This year I got my very first wrench set. Now that’s great and all, but I asked for a saw (again) and it never came. Why I can’t have a saw is beyond me, but frankly I’m pretty disappointed. I love the wrenches and all, but they just aren’t a saw. Oh well, there’s always next year.

Everybody should know that I adore the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you don’t you do now. Sadly, I only got one action figure for Christmas, but it’s no big deal, I can just go buy the rest. I’ve already got all the figures from series 1, and Skatin’ Raph here is my first from series 2. Overall, it’s not that much different from the normal Raphael, except for the skates, his clothes, and the fact that his legs are stuck in a much more comfortable looking position. The skates themselves are quite large, but they work pretty well and ensure that he doesn’t fall over. My only complaint is that they didn’t paint as much detail on the actual figure as they did on the figure on the box. It’s really not a big deal, but I feel a bit cheated.

My brother, on the other hand, got pretty much all of the ones he needed. Ironically, I think the only one that he’s missing is Skatin’ Raph. I’m quite jealous because I’ve been a Turtles fan for so much longer than him, and if it wasn’t for me, he probably wouldn’t even know about them. I think the jealousy is mostly rooted in the fact that he has the Casey Jones figure and I don’t, but I have him one-upped in other ways that are soon to follow…

Back to the real world for a second, I’ll take a look at my CD’s. I haven’t been listening to Styx for a long time, but I really like the music, so I asked for the greatest hits and here it is. It’s a great CD, despite only having 11 songs, and I’m even listening to it as I type this. There is one song I don’t really like on it, but it’s not something I can’t learn to live with. After all, if I can tolerate the Three Days Grace song on Big Shiny Tunes 8 I should be able to put up with anything a real band can throw at me. Other than what I’ve already typed, there isn’t a whole lot I can say about a CD.

I believe my exact word were “Not another damn puzzle”. Just kidding, I think it’s cool that now my sanity will be cumulatively threatened four times. This one might be a little easier than the water drop as it’s got lots of colours, but I haven’t tried to put it together yet so I could be horribly mistaken. These puzzles are only like 10 bucks, so I urge you to go out and get one if you often find yourself bored. Or you could get one of those bajillion-piece puzzles, but those don’t have any gimmicks, so they can’t possibly be any good.

Just to diversify my gifts a bit, my mom decided that it would be good idea to get me a couple books. Only problem is that these books aren’t really books. Sure they’ve got words in them and all, but they’re mostly just for novelty’s sake. I mean, who actually reads through everything in the Guinness world record books? I’ll make it a point to be the first to do the feat and then I’ll get into the next one. I’m just curious if it came from the future, because it’s the 2004 book and there hasn’t been a whole lot of 2004 to make records in. That and it looks kinda futurey. The high point is that I found a new crustacean to top the most wanted pets list: the Japanese spider crab. Though I’d need a pool to keep it in because its leg span is over 2 meters long.

Now the Mario & Luigi player’s guide. I don’t really need it, but I can honestly say that it has come in handy. I also like to just read guides as well. Don’t ask me why, because I couldn’t tell you. Just ever since I got the guide for Final Fantasy 8 I’ve been getting them mostly just to read. We all know that you don’t need a guide for a side-scroller, but I got the guide for Viewtiful Joe because I like to read them, it was Viewtiful Joe goods, and it was 20% off. That’s like 2 bucks off right there. Greatest deal ever.

I got the second season DVD set of Friends for my 16th birthday, and I wanted the first and third this Christmas, but my mom was only able to find the third. I guess I’ll have to go hunting for it by myself eventually. Not a whole lot to say, but it’s got one of my favorite episodes on it, The One Where Nobody’s Ready. If you don’t recognize the title, it’s the episode where Joey puts on all of Chandler’s clothes at once. The special features aren’t very appetizing, but I like commentary so I’m happy. Oh yes, we got a DVD player a while ago, so I no longer have to use the PS2 or X-Block to watch stuff. Yay!

I told you I’m a Turtles fan and I wasn’t lying. I wanted Turtles DVD’s, and I got one set. Only once again, it’s the third in the set, and my brother got the first. Obviously my mother is not aware of my preference of getting things in order. Not only that, but my brother wrecked the plastic covering of his while trying to open in so now the cover is taped on very, very badly. Not that if affects me, but I hate to see something so precious abused in such a way. Seriously, if you saw it, you’d hit him too.

Now it’s time to set foot into the restaurant of video games and check out the real delicacies of the annual serving of gifts. Our appetizer, MegaMan Zero 2 is by far one of the hardest games of this generation. When I read the reviews I thought “Bah, they’re just babies, it couldn’t possibly be that hard” and I thought I was right, because they said the first game was hard and it wasn’t too bad. But when I popped this sucker in I got my ass handed to me. Getting killed in the intro stage generally means the game is hard or you suck, and I’m pretty confident that I don’t suck. But after some practice, I’ve been able to make it halfway through. My final opinion: I love it. We need more games like this. Capcom, I salute you.

Our side salad is, of course, the TMNT GameBoy game. Unlike MMZ2, it’s not unbearably difficult, but it does offer it’s own challenges. Easy mode is quite simple, but once you get to Normal, you start thinking that maybe you got more than you asked for. And it’s fun too. It’s like the old arcade/NES games, except it’s pure 2D and there is (very sadly) no multiplayer support. But it’s still an above-par game. There is a password feature, but it doesn’t unlock anything worth being there. The other problem is that they chopped up the cartoon’s intro and shoved it in there. It would have been better off without the intro, rather than with the butchered garbage that’s in there. But it’s small, and skippable so I don’t mind too much.

And now we get to the sweet, sweet main course of the bunch, the GameCube version of TMNT. Like the GBA game, it’s very similar to the old games, only it’s in true 3D. There is multiplayer support, but it only goes to 2-player. I bet if they didn’t have to put it on the PS2 as well, there would have been a proper 4-player mode. Oh well. The password system in this version is much better, as it opens plenty of things like new game modes and costumes. There is also a production art database, and being the art fiend I am, it pleases me muchly. Oh, and if all the crazy food metaphors are kind of confusing, I’ve been playing Mario & Luigi way too much, and you’ll understand if you play it.

I’ve said I’m a Queen fan in the past, and as you can see above, I got myself a little something to commemorate my last big Christmas haul. Actually, we were shopping on Boxing Day and I’ve never seen these CDs anywhere, so I did what I had to do. I imagine the reason they’re so rare is because they’re the first two Queen albums, and they were released a long time ago. Of course, they are the CDs and not the records, so they’re not the originals, but I’m not complaining. The one thing I am complaining about though, is that Queen II has a remix of the Seven Seas of Rhye, which I though was just an extended version or something, but it’s really a techo-ish dance mix which really destroys the song. Other than that, they’re awesome CDs that belong in the libraries of any 80’s rock fan.

Now we get to the family gifts. You can usually see a similar background in pictures of me that are on the site, but there’s one big difference (aside from the dog toys). The new weight bench we got is a lot better than our old piece of junk. This one’s even got a thing so we can do leg stuff as well. I may not seem like the type to be overjoyed by this kind of thing, but I am. Now all I need is some solid motivation and I’ll be in shape in no time. Ooh, it’s comfy too, so comfy in fact, that I was ready to use it as a bed one night. There was a whole bunch of (figurative) crap all over my real bed, so I just laid down. But then I got up and after some possibly amusing events I ended up sleeping on the couch.

I had taken all the pics when I remembered about getting this beauty, so I just surfed on over to Saitek’s website and stole their picture of it. It’s so much better than the old 4-button Gravis gamepad I had been forced to use for the last few years. Now I can play my ROMs in style! I would use it for other games, but we don’t really have any computer games that would benefit from using this. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, FPS games are made to be played with a keyboard and mouse or at least a Nintendo 64 controller. I wonder if I could play Tiberian Sun with it?

And that’s the whole lot of it. Every gift and goodie has been at least spoken of, and I’m ready to go and start a puzzle. Actually, to tell the truth, there is one thing I forgot to mention, and I’m sure it’ll make up for the one I missed in the birthday article…

Ho ho ho! Enjoy, ladies!

And that’s that. Sorry I couldn’t get this up closer to Christmas, I was planning to have it done by the 28th, but my PC got infected yet again and only a week after the holiday have I found time to finish up. And now that this is done, I an get to work on my English project of which I had 4 months to work on and have yet to start. It’s worth 10% of my grade so I guess I’d better get to work. I might even post some of the stuff I do for it on the site, so be sure to stay tuned.

As for the future, I stated in a recent news post that January is exam month, and not only normal exams, but provincial exams as well. They shouldn’t be too hard, as all my classes this semester are language classes, and I find that to be my forte in school, but I till have to study or something like that, so I probably won’t have a lot of time for updates. It’s going to be another November/December. If I do post anything it’s gonna be a mini-review or submissions to the gallery. Sorry about the lack of real articles, but my PC has been FUBAR so many times in the past couple months that I can’t really get anything done. Now that’s changed, and as of February I’ll be able to try a little harder.

The Easter Egg-stravaganza (2003)

Today is that seemingly holy day of chocolate – Easter. I know it’s got some kind of religious meaning, but most people just associate it with chocolate and rabbits instead of Jesus. And you wonder why the world is going to Hell? The sucky part is that the damn non-Christians get to benefit from it too. I’m mostly pissed off at the Atheists though. They deserve nothing. Make them go to school or work. Stop leeching off those who have beliefs!

Enough about that. Today I will present a comprehensive review of all of the candy and other assorted crap I got on Easter morning. Yes, by now I should have grown out of it, but hey, why should I give up a perfectly good opportunity to get a load of free candy and junk? Besides, I’ve only got one year left that I can profit from holidays to this extent, so I’ve decided to milk it for all that I can.

Now we all know that there are upsides and downsides to everything. The great things about Easter are no doubt the candy, chocolate, and the family get-togethers. Also, I have a good excuse to use girly colours for my backgrounds. The downside is that this is one of the two times of the year that they throw church at you from every angle. Not that I really have anything against going to church, it’s just when I have to go several times a week that it starts to get to me. And on a totally unrelated topic, I finally got that haircut I’ve been wanting for so long.

Now onto the candy! We’ll start with a more obscure piece of milky chocolate goodness. This is one of the things that I got that didn’t really stand out among the rest, but still provoked many questions. What is this mystery chocolate? That’s exactly what it is – mystery chocolate. Now normally I don’t like to eat anything I can’t identify with either my expertise or the help of a handy label. Just take a look at it.

The Magical Mystey Chocolate

Willy Wonka’s got nothin’ on this mofo. Seriously… it’s just a blue foil wrapper. This (badly wrapped) oily ovalish odyssey was just begging to be opened. Maybe not. After all, the wrapper was starting to fall off by itself. So I figured if I didn’t get to the bottom of this thing first, it might get to me. So I picked it up, and the wrapper more or less came off, leaving the next layer sitting upon the table. It only get stranger from here folks.

Two chocolates in one? That's unheard of!

This baby was a strange one alright. Look at it! White and dark chocolate! Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe it’s telling us that chocolate isn’t as racist as we thought it might be. Whatever the case, I picked it up to examine it further. Upon doing that, I discovered that it was a hollow egg. Only, there were things inside. Things. They rattled around maniacally, waiting to jump out and kill me. So I took the next logical step. I split the bastard in two.

Smarties ahoy!

So maybe it wasn’t evil. So maybe it wasn’t plotting to eat my eyes. But it could have been. And I took that chance anyways just to give you a decent article. You should be thankful and send me more mystery chocolate. Preferably none with razor blades though. Poison is OK, but I’ve got a big enough razor blade collection already. Looking back on how much I’ve written, I probably could have gotten a decent article out of just this egg. Oh well, it’s too late now.

Our next subject is one of the most beloved candy icons in the world. To my knowledge, they only come around at Easter time, and that’s when the people gorge themselves on the puffy delights. Personally, I don’t like them that much, but the rest of the world can’t be wrong, can they? By now you should have an idea of what I’m talking about. Yes, it’s the cutest marshmallow out there next to Kirby… the Peeps.

These

Peeps. What makes them so loved by everyone? Is it the cute little eyes? The cute little beaks? Or do people really get a kick out of eating something that vaguely resembles a little baby chick? That must be it. Stupid voraphiles. As you can probably tell from the photo, my teeth already had their way with three of the sugary yellow chicks, leaving only two. They weren’t happy about having to share the fame, but that’s the way it goes when you’re Siamese conjoined twins. In fact, they were so unhappy being stuck together that I had to perform a little unnecessary surgery…

and let there be two!

So they lived happily ever after… in my colon. Well that about sums up the marshmallow content of my goods, let’s move to the next.

Chocloate rabbits. Who'd have think it?

These are another chocolatey Easter menu item that voraphiles could really enjoy. Caramilk Bunnies. These little wonders aren’t quite as popular as the Peeps, but they do have their own commercial running, and that’s gotta count for something. While normal Caramilk bars seem to have some kind of mystery surrounding them, their rabbity counterparts have a much easier and fun way to get the caramel in. Just take a look…

Those dirty bunnies!

I suppose that the term “F***ing like rabbits” refers to any type of rabbits. Even tiny chocolate ones. Note how the other two are content just watching the love bunnies get it on. They had better not caramel all over the tablecloth. Maybe that was a bit dirtier than most of my other work, but it’s only gonna go downhill from here, so don’t be surprised if i stop censoring the big curse words somewhere down the line.

Now we have a couple other egg-shaped chocolate bar spin-offs. Note how both have the exact same rabbit picture on them. Thank God for continuity. On the right is a Reese Egg. It sounds exactly like what it is. It’s basically a Reese Peanut Butter Cup in the shape of an egg. Let me tell you, the PBC’s shape is part of why it tastes so good. This one just isn’t the same caliber as a normal PBC. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but it does taste different.

Easter-themed chocolate bars

On the left in the yellow packaging is an Oh Henry! Egg. I’ve never been too partial to Oh Henry! bars, and this one is no better. It tastes the exact same, only it’s smaller, and it looks even more like a lump of dog feces. I’d take a picture of it, but I took all the pics before I started writing and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna re-bust out the cam. I still haven’t put that Mystery Chocolate anywhere near my mouth.

The creme de la creme of Easter

This big boy is the mainstay of any Easter goody basket. If a kid gets one thing for Easter, this is probably what that one thing will be. After all, Easter would be nothing, I repeat nothing, without a solid pound slab of chocolate vaguely shaped as a rabbit. The only thing that can top this is one of those huge hollow characters. My littlest bro got a big hollow Spider-Man. Needless to say, the rest of us were rather jealous.

Attack of the giant bunny!

Unknown to me, while my back was turned to save the pic, the big bunny broke out of his wrapper and started straight toward the other animal-shaped chocolate. None of them realized what was heading their way, but luckily I caught the heinous hare before he was able to trample the smaller, cuter candy. That and I couldn’t find any red food colouring to make it look like the Peeps were mutilated by the big guy.

We’re nearing the end of my candy smorgasbord, and I saved the best (or worst?) feature item for last. This one is even weirder than the Mystery Chocolate. It makes little to no sense, and it’s almost Christmas-themed to boot. Behold the power of the mighty Hershey Kisses Game!

What can it do? What can't it do?

Look at it in all it’s glory. I can’t figure out for the life of me who isn’t going to simply rip it open and eat all the Kisses. Yes, we all play with our food, but only when we’re making the rules. Nobody in their right mind would play a board game with candy. They’d lose all their pieces by the second roll of the dice. Then again… maybe that’s the point.

I haven’t opened it yet, but my bro opened his, and we were in for quite the shock. All the Kisses had silver, red, and green wrappers. See? It’s Christmas-themed. Despite the fact that the box suggests no particular holiday, you can tell by the colors that they intended it for Christmas. In all likelihood, Hershey just had a lot of leftover red and green foil and were too damned lazy to make Easter colors for their “game”. And it’s not an all-year round thing either. I’ve never seen it out of Easter season.

The rest of the loot

This concludes my winnings this year. I really didn’t want to look at all of these other things individually, so I just took a picture of all the little stuff and focused on the big things. Maybe you could consider the Kinder Surprise, Creme Eggs, and Mini Eggs big things, but like Hershey, I’m just too damn lazy to do all that extra work. Especially after I’ve eaten all that crap. I’m gonna be doing a lot of crapping over the next couple days. The ironic part is that the Oh Henry! Egg won’t look any different than what it looked like before I ate it.

Oh, I guess I should also mention that my parents always get us a little something else just for the sake of they’re such good people. This year I got something a bit more expensive than the usual CD, but it’ll also keep me occupied for some time. Check it out.

Golden Sun: The Lost Age

And that sums up this year’s Easter candy. If I’m still interested in this site by the time next year rolls around, maybe I’ll do another article like this. And that’ll be the last Easter where I will receive any candy, because after that I won’t be a kid anymore. Oh well. Life goes on with or without a mountain of chocolate.

On a side note, this little expose marks my 10th article! when I started I never thought I’d be interested long enough to get even this far, but it looks like I’ve done it. Maybe some day it’ll be a real site that real people visit. Next milestone is 50, so I’ve still got a long road ahead of me. Until next time.