Film

‘Ween Movies 2025 – Volume 2

A great surprise to everyone -mostly myself,- I’m back with another couple of vaguely seasonally-appropriate movies to talk about! And when I say “vaguely” I really mean it. I really ought to just throw on a Friday the 13th at some point just to get a little of the Halloween spirit going in my place.

The Endless

While Tubi lists The Endless as Sci-Fi/Horror/Mystery/Thriller, I would at least re-order those so that they go Mystery/Sci-Fi/Thriller/Horror, which is the most appropriate order. At most, I’d probably just pluck Horror out of there altogether. Yes, there is a certain cosmic horror element to the movie, but it’s really not the focus in any capacity.

This film follows two brothers, Justin and Aaron, who are living a bit of a rough life ten years after having escaped from a “UFO death cult.” Justin, the elder brother, feels like it’s his responsibility to take care of the both of them (despite them being at least in their mid-twenties), while Aaron longs to return to the cushy life that the cult had provided them. When he receives a random cassette tape from the cult announcing that they’re about to “ascend”, it spurs them to make a return visit to say their goodbyes, and maybe to show Aaron that it’s not as wonderful as he remembers it being.

Once they arrive, things do seem fairly peaceful, and the cult welcomes the brothers back with open arms, despite Justin having told many nasty tales to the media about what goes on there. The cult members all have their own eccentricities, but they’re happy, living simple lives where they’re free to pursue their passions and ignore the troubles of the modern world. Aaron is immediately enamored, but Justin remains skeptical, feeling that things are just a little too peaceful, and that there’s something rather important that the cult is keeping from them.

‘Ween Movies 2025 – Volume 1

It’s that time again. Halloween is coming and as a fan of horreur, I have to up my movie-watching game. Well, I suppose I don’t have to. But it’s basically all I do for the season any more so… I don’t really know where I was going with this thought. Let’s just do the thing.

V/H/S/94

This is an anthology film, for all the good and bad that entails. In addition to the four short films that are featured in it, the framing device also has its own story. It’s about a SWAT team that busts into a warehouse to… I don’t really know what they were up to, but they find a bunch of corpses and mannequins and screens that lead into the other segments. This was by far the weakest part of the film, and honestly I would have been happier if there had just been a Crypt Keeper-style host that introduced each segment. Points for having each of the short films tie into the framing device, but it was still lame and had the worst actors by a country mile.

This first short follows a news reporter and her cameraman as they investigate a local legend of a sewer-dwelling creature known as the Ratman. It starts off with your average interviews of random townsfolk, but then the big boss demands that they actually go into the sewer to get the real story. Our heroes reluctantly comply, entering a storm drain where they find a dirty old homeless man. He creeps them the heck out, and as they run away, they’re knocked unconscious and, well, things take a bit of a turn from there. I can’t say I saw what happened next coming, and it’s definitely a much better ending to the story than if they’d just found a monster and got mauled by it. While this was the most surprising story in the anthology, I wasn’t totally sold. The whole climax was shaky-cammed to Hell and while I know that often the scariest things are what you don’t see, the obfuscation was very clearly there because they didn’t have any money to actually put the action on screen.

Bottoms (as in butts) up!

The other night I watched a movie called Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. I don’t think another movie has ever had a title that is so descriptive of its quality.

For real, I don’t even want to type out a full-on review for this one it was so bad. Here’s a synopsis: Mutant tapeworms are turning people into zombies. But before you turn, you suffer from really intense gas. For some reason there’s a focus on poop. The main character’s big trauma is that she’s afraid to fart in front of other people, and then at the end of the movie, she is able to fly around and battle the queen tapeworm using her farts as jet propulsion.

It may have been the absolute stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. If only I’d heeded the trailer’s advice not to watch it in the first place!

The funny thing is, after watching it, I couldn’t bring myself to give it a thumbs-down rating on Tubi, because I’m fairly sure that it accomplished exactly what it set out to do. It’s not trying to be a legitimate film. It’s not even trying to be a good horror comedy. I’m convinced that the director (Noboru Iguchi) had the goal of making the stupidest movie of all time.

The other funny thing is that I’ve actually watched a couple of the director’s other movies, The Machine Girl and Robo-Geisha. Now, I watched those well over a decade ago, so my memory is hazy at best, but I don’t recall hating them. I no longer have the DVDs, so they clearly weren’t good enough to keep. And that was the era of my life were I was deeply into the cheesiest movies going, so they may have also been terrible and that was just my taste at the time. But we’ll never know!

On a more positive note, I also watched a movie called Monster Island on Shudder recently. Sadly, it is not based on the David Wellington novel of the same name, because I love that novel and would like nothing more than to see it be made into a (good) movie. It’s really more of a re-imagining of Creature from the Black Lagoon, and I liked it! The problem is, there’s just not that much to it. It felt like it was over just as it was getting started. So I don’t think there’s all that much for me say about it, other than I really liked how it’s a 2024 movie but the creature was a dude in a rubber suit. Felt so comfy. I would for sure recommend this one.

Hi, I’m here

I haven’t written anything this month. I’ve been very distracted.

Much of that distraction has been video games, as you’ll see in a couple days on the MEVGWU. But a other stuff is going on too.

Like, for instance, I saw Fantastic Four: First Steps last weekend. It’s good. Not really fantastic, but it was enjoyable enough that I didn’t fall asleep. I just didn’t really feel very strongly about it in any way. A perfectly average film.

The best part was that it takes place in an alternate universe, and as such it was allowed to have its very own, very excellent-looking, retro-futuristic visual identity. It’s too bad that it’s going to get absorbed into the rest of the increasingly bland MCU.

The worst part is when they send an eight-months-pregnant woman into space. I don’t care if she’s a super hero. There’s just no way. And then they spend the rest of the movie protecting the baby at literally all costs. It’s… I mean, a lot of things happen in this movie just so the plot can move forward, but that was the least believable.

It was fun to see on the big screen, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Also the tickets were just shy of $25, which is way out of control. I’d like to go see more movies in the theatre, but when it costs just as much as it does to buy them? Hard to justify.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll write more in August. Maybe I won’t!

Coffee Table Bloodbath

A few weeks ago, I watched a movie called The Coffee Table. It’s a 2022 Spanish-language film available on Shudder (and maybe elsewhere) that had randomly caught my attention and sat on my watch list for weeks before I finally pulled the trigger on it.

This movie is about a couple who have recently had their first child, and they buy this gaudy-looking coffee table. The first 20-ish minutes are all build-up, then there is an incident wherein the baby receives a rather severe head-related injury from the coffee table. From that point, the movie is basically 100% building tension until it all comes to a head in the last five minutes. I don’t think I would ever recommend this movie, mostly because I don’t think that anyone I know would enjoy it, but I liked it.

So I watched this movie, and the very next day, I kid you not, I get a text telling me that my one-year-old nephew bashed his head open on the edge of a coffee table. Tears and blood everywhere, an all-around horrifying situation. Though I make it sound worse than it was; the poor little guy had to get four (I think) stitches, and as I record this he’s still got a pretty wicked scar where an eyebrow used to be, but as far as I’m aware he’s doing just fine. Had a rough time in the moment, but was happy and smiling just a couple hours later.

And that’s my latest story of an absolutely wild coincidence. I watched a movie called The Demon Disorder the following weekend and wondered to myself if I ought to send out a warning to keep my nephew away from anything that might possess him, but figured “eh, what are the chances of that?”

Just for the record, he was not possessed by anything the next day.

He (always comes) back

So the teaser trailer for Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 happened last week. Just thought you should know.

Am I excited? Absolutely! I liked the first movie a lot… the first time I watched it. Second time around the cracks were a little more obvious. But I’m still looking forward to the sequel! We’ve just gotta keep motoring along until we get a Sister Location movie. That’s what I’m really waiting for.

Words and Such

I haven’t really been in the writing mood too much as of late. I know, not a great business model for a blogger, but also… I do this for fun, not for glory.

In an effort to post something, here’s a point-form list of things that I maybe would have written more about in another timeline and that may be of moderate interest. I may still write about some of them at length, but probably not.

I’ve been playing the new Ys game in short bursts since it released a couple weeks ago. As you may know, I’m a big, big fan of the Ys series, and Ys X: Nordics is not disappointing so far. The first few chapters were a bit slow, but it’s taking off now, and I really like the two-member party system. It’s very unique, if a bit limited in options.
Work has been kind of insanely busy lately. Which is a good thing, because it helps to keep me on task. Also, it’s becoming more and more apparent to me how well-respected (and maybe even well-liked) I am within the organization. As someone who’s had low self-esteem for basically his whole life, it’s really quite nice to feel confident and dependable.
I bought a stupidly expensive alarm clock from Nintendo recently, and I don’t regret a penny of it. I never expected such a weird thing could bring me such joy. Will likely do more words about this at some point.
Went to see Venom: The Last Dance recently. I’m still not sure exactly how I feel about it or why (I haven’t given it all that much consideration), but I may have been kinda bored for most of the runtime? Definitely the least enjoyable of the trilogy, in my opinion, even though the climax and epilogue were satisfying.
After years of sleeping on the couch with the TV on just about every night, I’ve been sleeping in my bed like a normal-ass person over the last week. I’m not really sleeping much better (still waking up at least once a night), but I am feeling a little more well-rested, and my back is definitely thanking me.
A couple of co-workers have been singing the praises of the roguelike poker game, Balatro, so I decided to give it a whirl on their recommendations. I’m trying my best, but I don’t know if it’s right for me. Even the tutorial felt overwhelming. And here I was thinking that I was getting over my fear of roguelikes.
I was going to put a link to a relevant post in the paragraph above, but it turns out that I never published it. I guess that’s something I probably should do, seems silly to have written out a full 2000-plus-word post that’s just sitting in limbo. Actually, there are at least two of those…
Taking a more proactive role in managing both my eating and exercise regimens throughout the year has done wonders for my health, both physical and mental. It’s been a long road, but I’ve far surpassed my weight loss goal and I’ve been feeling fantastic. It would be nice to have someone, you know, notice, but oh well! External validation is for chumps, anyway.
I went on a short vacation with my family at the end of September. I don’t think I wrote a single word about it, but it was awesome. Nothing terribly exciting, but it was great to simply get away and be somewhere different for a while. And also to have that QT with the people who are closest to me, of course. That’s always good.

Shudder Film Review Double Feature

More movies have been watched. As Halloween season is rapidly approaching, I feel even more like I need to be writing about them. Both of the films reviewed below are Shudder originals, as you can plainly see on the posters. Preamble complete.

~ Deadstream ~

This one is about a livestreamer who goes to spend a night in a “haunted house” as something of a stunt to entertain his following. This premise is absolutely as cringey as it sounds, at least until about 15 minutes in and you realize that it’s actually a comedy. Kind of like Evil Dead 2 but with a modern twist.

That said, I had to watch Deadstream in two sessions, because it scared the absolute crap out of me the first time around. Early on in the film, our “hero” Shawn enters the house and starts recounting the tales of why it’s haunted, and he tells a story about a ghost called the Corner Man. If you weren’t already aware, I have a strong irrational fear of ghosts. Having all the lights turned off and watching movies about ghosts alone never ends well for me. I tried my best to remain rational, but I very quickly had to turn off the movie and turn on the lights, because my brain immediately started thinking it was seeing things in my peripheral vision. There aren’t a lot of things that genuinely terrify me, but my overactive imagination is definitely high on the list.

A couple night later, my fears had receded, and I decided to push through. This time with the lights on. As it turns out, after that singular scene, the movie’s tone changes dramatically, and it goes from horror-comedy to pretty much just straight comedy.

Three Fun-Size Film Reviews

Some movies, I can very easily ramble on and on about. Others don’t capture my attention/imagination quite as strongly, and I find it difficult to write about them. The following three films are of the latter variety.

~ Arcadian ~

It kind of seems like this one was marketed as whatever the movie equivalent of a “killer app” is for Shudder. I got a lot of emails promoting it! Although, it is a Shudder original, so maybe they just pushed it harder because it’s theirs. Anyway, it’s somewhat similar to A Quiet Place but with Nic Cage. Also, it’s not stupid due to major plot holes and braindead characters, but rather because stupid is just kind of the vibe it’s going for, which I can appreciate.

Plot is as such: About fifteen years after humanity falls to… something, Nic Cage lives on a farm with his two teenage sons. Every night, they maintain a stoic vigil to protect their home from attempted invasions. Obviously, the sons are polar opposites: one a hot-blooded tough guy, the other a quiet inventor. Their inability to reconcile their desires (girls vs learning) ends up ruining the balance that they’ve maintained for years and puts everyone’s life in danger. Because of course it does. Teenagers, am I right?

Hunter Hunter: A TE Film Review

After the big win that was Loop Track, I was ready for another good random horror movie, and let me tell you that I struck gold. A little bit of searching around on Google and Reddit for recommendations of similar films yielded the most perfect result I could have asked for: Hunter Hunter.

Just by the name alone I was intrigued. Hunter Hunter, eh? So it’s going to be a movie about a hunter becoming the hunted, in some way or another. But then the very vague description given, “a thriller that goes full-on horror in the last 10 minutes” sounded like precisely what I was in the mood for. So I plugged in my Apple TV for the first time in months and watched a movie on Shudder for the first time since I initially subscribed to it three years ago. I’m good at money :p

Now, I’ll be honest here, I’ve been struggling with trying to figure out exactly what I want to write about this film. I have been thinking about it almost non-stop since I watched it, and I just can’t get a good mental picture of what I want to put in this review. That’s why I don’t do this professionally. So I’m just writing. I guess we’ll just do the synopsis thing and see where it goes.

Hunter Hunter is (at least at the beginning) about a fur trapper named Joe, his wife Anne, and their teenage daughter Renee. They live in the wilderness outside of Winnipeg, Manitoba (I, uh… I like this setting) and lead a very simple life. Joe is the kind of man who is set in his ways and is training Renee to follow in his footsteps, but Anne is starting to notice that their way of life is becoming unsustainable and wants to move into a town so that she can get a job and Renee can go to school.