Ice is nice

It should be pretty well known by now that I’m a big fan of Mike & Ike candies. There are a few little things that regular folk don’t know about them though. The average person knows the original flavours in the green box, and the Berry Blast variety in the blue box can almost always be found next to the originals. The Tropical Typhoon flavour (red box 1) is the best of the basic triad by leaps and bounds, but is significantly harder to find. These all come in the long, rectangular box in which the candies are loose. There is one flavour that comes in a slightly more squareish box, Tangy Twister. These are the worst. Not only do they taste bad, but there is a plastic pouch inside the box that holds the candies, resulting in considerably less candies than you’d find in the long box. There are some other flavours, like Red Rageous (the best), Jolly Joes, and Lemonade Blends. However, these flavours are either incredibly rare or not sold in Canada., because I’ve only ever seen Red Rageous when I drive down past the border.

Last week, we were down at the Forks Market, and while perusing one particular candy shop (I can’t be bothered to remember what it was called) I found these babies. While I was thrilled to find a flavour of Mike & Ikes that I’d never seen before, I was immediately suspicious of the squareish box. I bought it anyway because I like Mike & Ike.

Arriving back at home, I broke into the box with haste and discovered that it did indeed contain the plastic baggie of candies. Less candy than a standard box? That’s one strike against Italian Ice. Then I looked at the back to see what the flavours were… and they were all the same as the original Mike & Ikes, albeit swapping lime for watermelon. What was going on here?

I popped a few in my mouth, and at first it seemed like just the regular old flavours going on, and then it hit me. The Italian Ice candies produce a very strange taste sensation that I really have no idea how to describe. It’s sort of reminiscent of eating a freezie that tastes like Mike & Ikes, just without the cold. It’s totally weird, but wonderful in a way. I probably won’t buy them again because I’m never at the Forks and they cost like a dollar more there (plus you get less in this dumb box), but I liked them. If Walmart started selling them, I’d probably pick up a box every once in a while.

Real Ultimate Victory

Tigrex isn’t the biggest monster. Nor is he the last one you face. He’s not even on the cover of Monster Hunter Freedom: Unite (though to be fair he was on the cover of Monster Hunter Freedom 2). What he is, and forever will be, is my least favourite monster to hunt. Kushala Daora? Annoying, but not so bad. Lunastra? Way too strong, but not nearly as cheap. Tigrex? I hate you.

This is a photo of the first tigrex I was ever able to bring down. Probably my most hard-fought video game achievement ever. I might have lasted long enough to slay the bastard, but I didn’t want to take that chance. Tigrex can and will destroy you in a matter of seconds if you give him the opportunity. I just loathe the thought of having to face a buffed-up version of this guy once I get into the high-rank quests. Maybe I’ll have to consider this particular Monster Hunter experience complete one I’m done the low-ranks. Tigrex is the monster that makes Monster Hunter so hard that it’s not fun anymore. (And that’s saying a lot, because I find Monster Hunter to be super fun!)

What a twist!

Nearing the end of our ComicCon adventure, Stephanie was getting a little thirsty. We’d been there several hours and hadn’t stopped for sustenance since leaving home. We were about to head out to find a refreshment stand when I saw this baby at a kiosk.

It was surrounded by other, potentially much healthier foreign beverages, but I was determined to get me some foreign Pepsi. They were ridiculously expensive at $3.00 a can, but hey, at least it was something to write about. The Pepsi Twist was streets ahead of the terrible, terrible Pepsi Lime, but it still wasn’t great. It was more like drinking a 7up with a splash of Pepsi, rather than the other way around. Not bad, overall, but I certainly wouldn’t spend three more dollars on another can. A six-pack, maybe. I’m assuming it’s pretty much the same thing as the North American version of Pepsi Twist was, but I haven’t seen that stuff in forever, and don’t recall ever trying it back when it was available.

I can’t read a lick of this because my knowledge of the Japanese language is extremely limited, but I’m pretty sure it’s telling you that this stuff is going to kill you. That or it’ll give you a serious case of the diabetes. But then again, isn’t that the case for all soft drinks?

TE @ C4

It’s gotta be… weeks now since I went to Central Canadian Comic Con. It was cool, I must say. Though I guess I’m not as much of a nerd as I thought it was because it was (local) Nerd Mecca and I wasn’t super-psyched about it. Oh well. I took a few (blurry) pictures while I was there. Everything from Minecraft to papercraft, and even one ass that did not belong in that costume. Actually I took a few pictures of those, but I figured one is enough to prove my point and deleted the rest. Be thankful. There’s an alternate universe where this post is all pictures of asses that shouldn’t be seen by human eyes.

         

         

              

         

         

              

              

         

To The Moon

I’m beginning to think that I have some sort of mild ADD, because while I’m still super excited to have a new Zelda, I keep not playing it in favour of other games. Last Friday, the other game in question was To the Moon.

I’ve been following this one since early this year, waiting anxiously for it to be released. When it was finally available for public consumption, I (in a very odd twist) did not purchase it right away. It wasn’t until I read a review of how intensely emotional it was that I sped home after work to buy and play it.

Given the opportunity, I would have sat there and gunned through it from start to finish, but alas, life got in the way around the two-hour mark. I went back to it as soon as possible, and after a total of three and a half hours of text boxes and tile puzzles, I finally got to the end. Yeah, it’s short, but that’s okay. It’s really just an interactive story, after all.

And that is why it was so important for me to hear that it had a strong emotional weight. From the trailers and pre-release writing about the game, it was pretty obvious that there wasn’t a lot of “game” to be had. Indeed, someone could very well turn To the Moon into a movie. It could have just as easily been a novel. But I think it’s important that it was a game. Or, that it was interactive, anyway. I don’t think a movie version would flow as nicely, and a novel would obviously lack the superb soundtrack that accompanies the game. Besides, it would take way more than three and a half hours to read a novel. You won’t want to put this one down once you’re in it.

To be fair (and thorough), I’ll admit that what little gameplay there is can be rough around the edges. Most of the levels consist of watching some drama play out, poking about the environment for “keys,” then solving a puzzle to move on. After Act 1, the keys are less often random environmental objects and will usually come along with some story bits, which makes finding them considerably less tedious. Also, the horse level is super annoying, and there’s a weird action level near the end that has no business being there. But those little issues are besides the point, and I bet they’re probably just there because someone felt like it needed to be just a little more gamey.

The game is about two doctors (Eva Rosalene and Neil Watts) who travel into the memories of a dying man (Johnny) to help grant him his dying wish. That wish is to go to the moon, and they do it by rejiggering his memories so he will believe it actually happened. The game is divided into small “levels,” each representing an important memory to Johnny. In each memory, you will very slowly uncover new clues about Johnny’s tragic life. I wish I could say more than that, but I would feel awful in spoiling any of it. All I can say is that it breaks the heart.

To the Moon packs an intense emotional wallop, and a lesser man would have been brought to tears at no less than half a dozen points in the story, especially if he were able to relate to the goings-on. The major themes of the game are love, death, and coping with disabilities. If that isn’t a recipe for a sob-fest, I don’t know what is. Maybe I’m just getting soft in my old age. Maybe it’s because I can kind of relate to Johnny’s plight. The point is that I was touched by this story.

I have no reservations in saying that To the Moon has the best video game story that I’ve seen to date. We talk about video games tugging at our heart strings all the time, but none have ever affected me like this one. We all know that I barely gasped when Aeris died. I thought the baby metroid’s sacrifice was sad, but I didn’t dwell on it after the game. Earthbound stirs my emotions, yes, but in a completely different way. To the Moon is a competently written story packaged up in a video game to get people like me, who would have no interest otherwise, to experience it.

I know that $13.42 sounds like a lot for an interactive story, but I couldn’t be more satisfied with my purchase. It’s about the same price as seeing a 3D movie, and no movie will move you like To the Moon. Obviously I urge you to head on over to the website and do the same. And while you’re there, check out (and then buy) the soundtrack, too. Laura Shigihara’s piano melodies were more than enough to choke me up on their own, which lent a lot to my desire for the game. It’s also worth mentioning that I’m a pretty big supershigi fan. So, what, less than $20 for both? I’d say that’s a winning deal. Sure, you could wait for it maybe be available through Steam someday and then wait some more for it to go on sale. Just for the love of Pete, don’t pirate it. The people who poured so much time and effort deserve a little recompense. This is a fantastic project, and a labour of love. It’s certainly got my seal of approval.

Brütal Legend

Brütal Legend is, in most cases, a swell game. “Just swell?” you ask, thinking that usually when I like a game, I have trouble using adjectives that aren’t “awesome.” But yes Brütal Legend, is only swell. And while many of its parts far exceed that and delve deep into the realm of the aforementioned awesome, the sum of those parts is maybe a little lacking. Now I bet you’re thinking that such a complicated summary of a game’s worth will require an even more complicated explanation. And I’d be glad to give you one!

Let’s start at the start here. The game opens with a live action skit featuring Jack Black, and right there we’ve already got controversy. Most people I know are not fans of Jack Black, and I don’t really blame them. I myself think he has a ton of potential, he just chooses some lots of bad roles. Look at School of Rock, for example. Great movie. Peter Jackson’s King Kong? Yup, he can act. Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny? Oh, and musical talent too! Kung-Fu Panda was great and anyone who disagrees with me can go to Hell. Anyway, for each one of those movies, Black has been in about seven that were just plain bad, so it’s definitely not an even split.

Brütal Legend adds a huge credit to his name, as I am convinced that it is some of the best work he’s ever done. Though he is mostly a voice actor, Black did influence his character, Eddie Riggs, in the later stages of development, and helped choose the best tracks for the game’s fantastically comprehensive soundtrack. Anyway, the intro features Black, going into a music store, hoping to show the player an incredibly rare, unusually powerful record. The whole scene is fairly comical, but also highlights Black’s passion for music. This is where you first see where the inspiration for the game came from. The record he finds then (obviously) ends up being titled Brütal Legend, and opens up to reveal the main menu. It’s a lengthy and perhaps excessive intro, but through it alone, you can tell that the game is a labor of love.

That love, to be specific, is for metal. And I’m not talking periodic table metal here. I mean the fastest, loudest, most genuine kind of music known to man. Tim Schaffer, the game’s creative director (and mind behind gems like The Secret of Monkey Island and Psychonauts), set out to make the ultimate video game tribute to heavy metal, and I don’t believe that (outside of Guitar Hero 2, perhaps) a better claim to the title exists. Brütal Legend’s world is maybe not as gigantic as some, but it’s certainly more interesting. Where other open-world video games feature fairly generic cities with little original scenery and only a handful of truly interesting things to see, the world of Brütal Legend was built specifically to catch your eye at every corner.

The world is filled with amazing landmarks and geographical oddities, the creative minds behind it saying that it’s supposed to represent the types of imagery one would see on the covers and inserts of metal albums, and it doesn’t disappoint. Gigantic stone swords and axes are plunged into the land, the face of one particular cliff is made entirely of huge speakers, trees are made of exhaust pipes and have tires hanging from them. There are plenty of truly amazing landmarks throughout the land, and the game designers even thought to add in viewing stations near the bulk of them that trigger short cutscenes so player can view said landmarks from more optimal angles, should they be so inclined.

Not everything in the world is right though. While it’s a small complaint, there are invisible walls here and there, which are not cool. They’re most noticeable in the jungle area, where it’s fairly impossible to walk to the back side of the jungle temple. One time I glitched my way back there and wasn’t able to get out without a save and reset. The other ones are mostly around the higher areas of mountains that you’re not supposed to be able to get up anyway, but I figure that if you can wiggle up there, the game should let you; not stop you with an outdated gameplay contrivance. It’s sort of important to the story that you don’t wander the eastern half of the world until the plot lets you, but I’m still a little put out that I can’t break the game because of invisible walls.

Another low point is that the world is littered with collectible baubles, which are always a pain to hunt down. Though unlike most games, the rewards you get for looking for them are a little better than being able to claim that you got them all. The aforementioned landscape viewers are their own reward, of course. There are 120 dragon statues bound in S&M gear (ball gag included), and freeing them will net you character upgrades after every ten. 13 “Legend” statues dot the landscape, which will each show you a brief snippet of the game’s back story upon finding them. The 9(?) solo monuments will grant you new guitar solos, which are Eddie’s equivalent to ocarina tunes. Finally, there are many, many “buried metal” statues to unearth, and each one adds a new song to your playlist. These are the least useful, but definitely the ones I got most excited about finding.

In the end, the lack of complete freedom is insignificant because trucking around the parts of the world that are available (re: everything but the mountaintops) is super fun. This is attributed to two things. Number one is that Eddie has the best car ever. The Deuce, AKA the Druid Plow, drives fast, handles well, and is great at being an instrument of death. Yeah, you could just pump the nitros and ram wildlife to death, but if you explore enough (and why wouldn’t you?), you can find gates to the underworld, where Ozzy Osbourne the Guardian of Metal will pimp your ride. The best upgrades are unlocked by progressing through the story, and by the end you can have the Deuce decked out with missiles, lightning cannons, mines, flamethrowers, and more. Granted, you can only equip one main and one secondary weapon at a time, but really, once you get the lightning gun, there’s no need to go back.

The other reason you’re going to take the time to roam the land is because of the Deuce’s Mouth of Metal. Or in layman’s terms: the radio. Brutal Legend has one of the best video game soundtracks that I’ve ever heard, right up on par with Guitar Hero 2 and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. Possibly even better. If you were to look up the track list, you might think that it lacks variety because where are the Top 40 songs? And if you asked that, stop reading after this paragraph. Leave my website, turn on your oven, and put your head in it. Leave in until golden brown.

For all of you still with me, you are the kind of people we need to make the world a better place. Go and procreate, and teach your children the wonders of metal. But wait until you’re done here, of course.

Back to the story at hand, playing Brütal Legend is fun because when you’re doing it right, you’re listening to the biggest and most comprehensive history of metal ever included in a video game. The soundtrack is made of 107 songs hand-picked by Schaffer, Black, and a few others to be the best that it can be. Sure, maybe it does seem like there are a lot of Judas Priest, Motörhead, and Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne songs, but there’s a perfectly good explanation for that: Rob Halford, Lemmy, and Ozzy are all voice actors in the game. Yes, maybe the playlist could have been fleshed-out a little more if they’d limited bands to one or two songs each, but the fact remains that Judas Priest, Motörhead and Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne are all worth multiple songs, as they are all hugely influential bands and easily deserve the spots. What really matters though, is that driving across the world at top speed with this soundtrack blasting is incredibly fun. It made scouring all the corners of the world for all those tchotchkes bearable, and made just playing the game in general much more awesome.

And all that was just as an aside to the rest of the game. Or perhaps I should say, the main focus of the game. While the actual story isn’t really great (the back story found in the legend statues is much more interesting, if not a bit hammy), all the nuances of the characters and the quality of the voice acting really make it worth playing. Eddie Riggs in particular is the exact opposite of the usual Jack Black character, who is a doofus and learns over the course of the story to be a better person. Eddie is already awesome. In fact, he is the world’s greatest roadie. His mantra from the beginning of the game is that roadies belong in the shadows, helping to make the true stars shine. He never wavers from this throughout the entire game. He knows his place is to be in a support role, and does his best to help human resistance leaders Lars and Lita save humanity from the evil Doviculus and his demon army, the Tainted Coil.

While the story is fun, playing the main game is… kind of all over the place. And this is where the game takes its biggest hit. The first few questss of the game have you playing as Eddie, marching around and whacking dudes. Sometimes other people follow you, and you can give them basic orders. These parts are okay, but the combat controls feel odd, almost like they were a second thought. And then very slowly it turns into a real-time strategy game, with a base and units and resources and everything. Well, maybe not everything. It’s sort of like a My First RTS, being pretty simple, with only one resource, and all the little elements introduced to the player one by one. And all the while, you’re still controlling Eddie, so you can try to win by marching around and whacking dudes, but it won’t work. Even on the normal difficulty, by the final battle the difficulty had gotten pretty ridiculous. Not that it’s incredibly hard, but it seems that like in most RTS games, the CPU doesn’t need resources to pump out legions of troops.

While they aren’t done really well, the RTS segments, or “stage battles” are fairly fun. The units for each faction are original and have tons of personality, and each faction leader has a different set of abilities to employ via guitar solos. Eddie’s ultimate attack, for instance, summons a giant flaming zeppelin to crash onto the battlefield to smite his foes. The reference alone is wonderful, but actually watching it happen is like magic. Your base, as the title “stage battle” implies, is a stage, and despite it being the only base you have (no building micromanagement here), it’s really cool. Not only does it blare a different set of songs for whichever faction you’re playing as, but you can also hop up on it to blow enemies away with a blast from the amps, or fry them with spotlight cannons.

The rest of the game is made up of a handful of other mission types. Some have you protecting the Ironheade tour bus, others have you piloting a turret to take out bad guys from above while your foot soldiers protect you. The one that is the most fun, however, requires you to drive around in the Deuce as waves of enemies approach and lay down markers for a mortar cannon. It’s a little tricky at first, and you get no indication of where the next enemy wave is coming from, but a perfect shot results in enemy corpses flying everywhere. It’s incredibly satisfying. And the music ties back into these other missions as well, as each story mission which is not a stage battle plays a new song, and once you complete the mission that song is added to your accessible playlist.

Two of these events in particular stand out, mostly because of the perfect blend of action and metal. The first is at the end of the first third of the game, where Eddie and company have defeated Doviculus’ glam metal general, Lionwhyte, and his gigantic pleasure dome is collapsing around them. Massive monsters (called Bleeding Death) are falling from the sky, and everything around you is burning. You have to race through the rubble and creatures before you get crushed, burned, or devoured. It’s a hectic scene, as you cannot stop and the path isn’t always clear. Tension is high, and the chosen song for this particular setpiece is Dragonforce’s “Through the Fire and the Flames,” which is perfect, if only because your destination is literally through the fire and the flames. The song is fast, powerful, and really lends to the situation’s sense of urgency. The blistering guitars feel so natural as you’re pushing the Deuce as fast as it can go, and the sounds of screams and explosions rocking the dome mesh right in with the music.

It’s a fantastic part of the game, and while it only lasts about two minutes (and the song is closer to nine) if you get it right, it made a very strong impression on me. My adrenaline was pumping, and it will probably be a moment in gaming that I will remember for a long time. But it’s not perfect. Like I said in the previous paragraph, the path isn’t always clear. The track is created dynamically as the place falls apart, which creates situations where it looks like you go this way but then a pillar smashes to the ground in front of you. I failed this section many times (most because I tried to kill the Bleeding Death), and failure resets the whole scenario. Listening to the first 30 seconds of “Through the Fire and the Flames” over and over? Not as great as listening to the whole song.

The other specific scenario that really stands out from the rest is the final boss fight. And why shouldn’t it? It’s the final boss after all. There are a total of… three? Maybe even only two boss battles in the entire game. If there are more, clearly they were overshadowed to the point of being forgettable. But the final battle against Doviculus (Oh, it’s not a spoiler. It would be a spoiler if there were another eleventh-hour final boss.) is really cool. Maybe it’s because it’s set to Judas Priet’s “Painkiller,” which makes everything better, but I thought it was a pretty great fight. For Brutal Legend anyway.

The bosses are one-on-one affairs (er… sort of, they can both summon minor enemies), and that’s why it kind of stumbles. Again, while on foot, Eddie’s combat controls aren’t great. They use a Zelda-esque lock-on system, but it feels unrefined and maybe less responsive than it should be. Enemies are also very resilient, and their attacks are rarely interrupted by hits. They also tend to track you as you dodge, so even if you get out of the way while they’re winding up for an attack, they might still end up facing you by the time it launches. These are huge issues when surrounded by baddies, which results in you taking a lot more damage than you should, but it’s not quite as bad mano-e-demono.

There are two phases to the Doviculus fight: one where you hammer the attack button and maybe try to dodge once in a while. After getting enough of a beating, he’ll chain himself to the wall and start summoning minions. There are also explosions, and a Bleeding Death will eventually start swiping at you through the wall. Blasting the chains holding Doviculus to the wall will bust them apart and once they’re all gone, you go back into phase one. Repeat a couple times, and the world is saved. It does get a little crazy up in there by the third round, and just like the pleasure dome escape, “Painkiller” fits the mood perfectly. It’s an epic, powerful song, and is a perfect complement to a rock n’ roll showdown between good and evil. Though after the annoyingly difficult stage battle that precedes it, the fight does come off as a bit of a cakewalk in comparison.

So while the gameplay could have been a little more focused, it’s not bad. Should a sequel crop up someday, I think it would benefit from losing the on-foot missions and refining the stage battle mechanics. Keeping Eddie in the air (he can eventually fly during stage battles) or in the Deuce for the bulk of the game would help to even out the quality of gameplay. It’s fine to let him roam free when you’re actually roaming free, because exploring the world is the most fun you’ll have in the game. Maybe equip Eddie with an iPod so you can listen to the kickass soundtrack while on foot. But when it comes to missions, I think they have a good thing going with the stage battles, and focusing on them and tightening up the mechanics and balance would make it great. Or take them out and go all-out with the adventure aspect. Make Eddie more nimble and fix how enemies react in combat. Hell, just copy the Zelda physics wholesale. Nobody would care.

Either way, it’s just a matter of polishing the gameplay aspect of the game. Brütal Legend has a perfect sense of atmosphere, and while the plot lacks a little, there’s plenty of personality to back it up . It’s the first game in a long time that I sat down with, and I played until I beat it. These days it’s rare for me to actually finish a game without putting it down and then picking it back up weeks or even months later. I think there was a three week period at most between the day I started Brutal Legend and the day I finished it. I also have a thing where I get scared of advancing in games. I don’t know what it is, but somehow I always get to a point where I don’t want to start the next mission or go into the next dungeon. I don’t know why, but I have a mental block. The only reason I put off missions in Brutal Legend is because I was having too much fun screwing around in the overworld. I enjoyed that it sucked me in. I really enjoyed that I didn’t feel that progress block. I love that it’s metal, and I really love that it loves metal. If it weren’t for the half-hearted gameplay, it would easily be on my list of best games ever. Unfortunately, it is doomed by its shallow and sometimes frustrating gameplay to languish with the likes of the Silent Hill series in a category of games that strike a fantastic atmosphere, but could have used a little more play-testing.

Jack Black said no drums!

I took the night off from Skyward Sword yesterday to go see The Muppets. On my way to the theatre I was jonesin’ for some Zelda, but forgot about that before the movie proper started.

Firstly, two previews really grabbed my attention. There’s a new Studio Ghibli/Disney production on the way, which looks really good. The animation quality alone made the animation love in my quiver in delight. I can’t remember what it’s called and damned if I’m going to bother looking it up, but absolutely keep an eye out for the cartoon about little people living under the floor. The other was the new Pixar flick, Brave, which doesn’t seem like it’ll be as good as Up but no less is a movie I’ll need to see.

After the previews came a Toy Story short which alone would have justified the outing. It’s hilarious, and will keep you laughing the whole way through. While Pixar could have taken it and fleshed it out into a complete movie, it’s probably best as a short. I lamented its brevity, but know deep down that a feature-length version wouldn’t have been as great.

Our feature presentation was up against some fierce competition there, but the Muppets and Jason Segel pulled it off and Super 8 had finally been dethroned as my favourite movie of 2011. The Muppets was amazing. It was everything I’d hoped it would be and more. It was hilarious almost the whole way through, and when I wasn’t laughing I was on the verge of tears. Oh hell, the ending actually did bring a tear to my eye. The way the movie was so easily able to manipulate my emotions is uncommon, and I love it all the more for being able to crack my tough exterior. Not only that, but somehow The Muppets was able to slip by my distaste for musicals. That’s how you know you’ve done something special.

The film warmed my heart like nothing else can, and kept me laughing with a constant barrage of slapstick, one-liners, and brilliantly placed celebrity cameos (their use of Jim Parsons was exquisite). It left me completely satisfied, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I was ready to sing and dance my way out of the theatre, and I’m very strongly considering going to see it again this weekend. I cannot wait to get this on blu-ray so I can watch it every single day for the rest of forever.

My only lament is that those are not the Muppets’ voices! I guess maybe some had the same actors, but the big names (Kermit and Fozzie specifically) were just ever-so-slightly off, and it bugged me to no end. But that’s a minor quibble, not nearly annoying enough to tarnish my opinion of the movie as a whole. In conclusion, go see The Muppets. And tell me when you’re going so I can tag along.

An open letter to snow

Dear snow,

Go away. I don’t like you and you obviously don’t like me. You make me leave for work early and make it difficult to see where I’m driving. You turn relaxing car rides into slow, dangerous chores. And that’s not the worst of it! I can deal with the slow driving, but I hate that you like to make my clothes all wet. There are few thngs that annoy me more than wet clothes. I despise walking around with the ankles of my pants all wet, in turn making my socks wet. And when I open my car door and you fly all over my seat in an attempt to make my butt wet and uncomfortable? What a horrible thing to do to a person. You constantly get all over everything and then into everything, creating wet/frozen messes. It’s like nature tried to come up with something more annyoing than sand. And it succeeded with you, snow!

In closing, nobody likes you, snow. You should just kill yourself.

 

Sincerely,

Funk Master R Valentine