24 Days of Quarantine Fun – Day 6: Holiday Episodes

If there’s one thing that irks me a little bit about not having television, it’s that I can’t just have a non-stop stream of holiday-themed episodes playing in my place all day long. I mean, I could, but that would require effort, and Sunday’s just not the day for effort.

Today, my suggestion for keeping yourself busy is to watch holiday episodes from a few of your favourite shows. While not every series does holiday episodes, most of them absolutely do. Probably even one per season, in most cases. So if you have a DVD collection, or a streaming service, or some kind of television thieving device, it shouldn’t take long to track some down.

Personally, there are exactly three that I like to incorporate into my festive traditions. The first is from Community, and it actually the only real holiday “episode” of the bunch, since the other two are technically specials. “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas” from the second season, is almost definitely my favourite holiday episode of any show. It’s almost completely done in stop-motion animation, has a mystery at the heart of the plot, and tells a genuinely heartfelt story.

My second choice is the BoJack Horseman holiday special. This one is actually a Christmas episode of the Horsin’ Around show-within-a-show, and has BoJack and Todd watching it together as a framing device. Since it’s a riff on old 80’s sitcoms, it’s a lot like they cynical holiday episodes you’ll get from those kinds of shows, but more satirical, since it’s BoJack Horseman.

Finally, we come to the Trailer Park Boys holiday special, “Dear Santa Claus, Go F**k Yourself”. Interestingly, this one is set at least a year before the TV series, so you get to see somewhat younger and different versions of the characters. Ricky, Julian and Bubbles are all the same as usual, though, and the special actually plays out a lot like a very short season of the show.

So those are my three big picks. If I had to give a general recommendation for just one? Easily Community. You don’t need to be overly familiar with the rest of the show to really appreciate it, and I think you need at least a little bit of base knowledge to fully enjoy BoJack‘s. Trailer Park Boys is a real hit-or-miss kind of thing in general, but being placed outside the show’s timeline does make it a little more accessible to newcomers.

It’s also worth mentioning that all three episodes I’ve listed above are available on Netflix. One (BoJack) is exclusively so, and the other two you could theoretically get on DVD. (Do they still print DVDs?) I don’t know where else they might be streaming.

24 Days of Quarantine Fun – Day 5: Christmas Vacation

It’s Saturday night, you’re stuck at home, there’s a blizzard raging on outside. What are you to do? Curl up on the couch under a big blanket with a moose mug full of egg nog, and watch yourself some National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. That’s what you’re to do.

This may surprise you, but I actually only watched Christmas Vacation for the first time last year. Yup. 30 years later, I finally got around to it. Though it didn’t really feel like I was only watching it for the first time, since I’ve absorbed so much of the film through constant pop culture references. Dinosaur Dracula has had a lot to do with that.

I was worried a little bit when I first popped it on. I didn’t want to watch this beloved classic, which I have only ever heard good things about, and end up not liking it. Fortunately, that didn’t come to pass. I don’t think that Christmas Vacation is quite so good that it belongs in the pantheon of timeless classics, but I certainly enjoyed it enough that I intend on adding it to my list of Holiday Must-Watch Movies. And I’m sure that my appreciation for it will only increase with repeated viewings.

Please note that while I do intend to recommend more movies throughout this feature, this is the only one that’s an actual Christmas- and/or Other Holiday-themed film. The rest are set during Christmastime, but it’s not an overly important facet of any of the plots. Care to venture a guess at what they might be?

24 Days of Quarantine Fun – Day 4: Donate!

I don’t know how many times I’m going to reiterate this over the next few weeks, but the 2020 holiday season is totally different than usual. Stores are locked down or closed completely, people are losing jobs left and right, and we’re being encouraged not to get together to celebrate. It’s not terribly conducive to the whole gift-giving tradition.

So in a world where the economy is peering over the edge of a cliff, maybe there are better ways to go about spending way too much money? Well, there’s never a bad time to donate. People all over the world are always in need of help, and this time of year is certainly no exception. This can be the year where you throw some money at an organization that will help some less fortunate people have a better holiday season. It’s the most advertised time of year to be charitable, after all.

It doesn’t even need to be money. Find some things around the house that you don’t need and take them to a donation centre. There are always food collections going on that you can chuck a few boxes of cereal or cans of vegetables into. You could go donate blood, even. People always need blood. I don’t know how many volunteering opportunities are currently available given the state of the world, but you can use some of your quarantine time surplus to look into it. I’m not doing your research for you.

I don’t have a holiday donation plan yet, myself, but it’s been something I’ve been putting some thought into. I tend to make smaller donations to multiple organizations over the course of the year, so my charity budget is often emptied by the time December rolls around. I always make a contribution to the food collection at work, so that’s something. I really like knowing that what I’m giving is so directly helping a family that needs it.

The point is: find a cause that means something to you and make a donation. Don’t sweat the value, every bit of help is important. If you need some suggestions, I just happen to have some links right here!

Charity Intelligence Canada

United Way Canada

Canadian Foodgrains Bank

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health

24 Days of Quarantine Fun – Day 2: Holiday Playlist

Music plays a huge part in the lives of most people. Whether you’re jamming to your favourite tunes on your morning commute, being drawn into a film by an expertly composed score, or performing a dance of worship to the tune of tribal drums and chanting, music is an integral part of humanity.

That’s why when I hear someone say “I’m not interested in music” I know for sure that they’re an alien impostor.

One particularly important facet of music is how effectively it can set a mood. So today, your job is to go out and add a bunch of wintry or holiday-themed music to your phone or whatever. Listening to tunes that evoke the right feelings is a great way to put yourself in the spirit of the season. Of course, overdoing it can send you careening in the opposite direction (working at Toys R Us made me hate Christmas music for many years), so just be mindful not to go overboard.

I’m sure that Average Jo/e will just hit up the standards, but that’s boring. You don’t need seventeen versions of “White Christmas” or “Jingle Bell Rock”. You don’t need any versions of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”. Just forget that nonsense. It’s overdone and basic as heck. Look for something more thoughtful and/or creative.

The Purple Stuff Podcast currently has five episodes (for reference: 17, 36, 46, 57, and 66) that are dedicated to songs that may be good for getting you in the holiday spirit. Not every choice is a winner, but I appreciate the breadth of options presented, and will certainly bring a few into my own playlist. I’m also pretty hype for the inevitable 2020 entry into the series!

Another avenue you probably haven’t considered: video games usually have pretty well-suited tunes in their ice/snow levels. In particular, I’d like to point out that remixer Qumu has a nice little playlist of holiday-themed mixes of video game songs on their YouTube channel. I’m a huge fan of Qumu, and highly recommend checking out the playlist. And also the channel in general, but that’s besides the point.

My last recommendation is a single track: “Shiro no Tairiku” from Xenoblade Chronicles X, which translates to “Land of White”. The daytime variant is so pretty; very subdued and played mostly on chimes and a xylophone (I think) to really bring out the character of the snowy Sylvalum continent. The night-time version comes alive, adding more strings, drums, and a flute to the mix. It’s one of my favourite video game themes of all-time. While it may not fit the season especially well, Xenoblade X is a game that I strongly associate with wintertime and Xmas, so it’s always at the forefront of my mind during this time of year.

Of course, these are just a few recommendations. A handful of starting points for you to go out and explore the wide world of holiday-ish music offerings that aren’t just more awful covers of “Santa Baby”. Snarkiness aside, put whatever songs you want on there. It’s your holiday playlist, so obviously it should be tailored to whatever is going to best get you excited about the season.

24 Days of Quarantine Fun – Day 1: Decorate!

2020 has been, to put it lightly, an odd year. With many people trapped at home, and the rest of us basically unable to do anything because everything is closed, we’re all left to our own devices to keep ourselves entertained. And I’m sure that many folks have gotten bored with their entertainment devices.

I wanted to do another “24 Days of” feature this year, and it seemed like a good time to bring back the theme of “materialism” since all we can do with our live anymore is buy crap online that might help to while away the hours. But also, I’m not buying a whole lot of crap these days, which is forcing me to come up with something more creative.

And so, here we have a feature whose goal is to provide 24 ways to keep yourself busy during Holiday Lockdown. Said busywork may include video games, books, recipes, crafts, and who knows what else I’ll be able to come up with. Probably not much. Look forward to lots of video games.

Continue reading 24 Days of Quarantine Fun – Day 1: Decorate!

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up: November 2020

~ Game Over ~

The Void (PC) – Artsy horror-ish game that I may have liked if not for three factors: 1. Gesture-based commands that don’t work very well. 2. Overcomplicated gameplay systems that make no sense. 3. Your character moves slower than molasses – at running speed. Into the bin with ye!

Stories Untold (Switch) – A text-based adventure game anthology that takes place over four separate mini-episodes. Each one introduces some new gameplay element and a new scenario. While the gameplay can be a little tedious, the stories are great and go off in wildly unexpected directions. I bought this on sale for $7 and I kind of want to give the developer the difference because it was fantastic. Likely to be on my 2020 GOTY list.

Continue reading Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up: November 2020

Eyes on You

As is my MO, I bought a cheapo little horror video game for Switch recently. It’s called Eyes: The Horror Game. If that title isn’t enough to make you cock an eyebrow in suspicion, nothing is. In actuality though, Eyes: The Horror Game is generally pretty fun! It’s a mobile port, so… you know. Super short and simple, but I can’t really leverage any major complaints.

As a survival horror game, your objective in Eyes is to run around a spooky environment whilst searching for and collecting bags of sweet, sweet cash. Oh and also there are monsters roaming around who are none too shy about murdering you. There are three stages, each with its own unique monster and mechanics. That’s not really much to burn through, but there are some extra modes and other incentives to keep playing.

Continue reading Eyes on You

Fazbear Frights

Lately, I haven’t been able to spend more than about thirty seconds at a time thinking about anything that is not somehow related to Five Nights at Freddy’s. I’ll admit it: I’m obsessed. It waxes and wanes, but I’m being hit really hard right now. And it’s all because of Five Nights at Freddy’s VR.

I really wanted to write something about the game other than how I’m a big baby and have a really hard time playing it, and in typical Ryan fashion, the easy out seemed to be a list that ranked each mini-game by how scary it is. So I made up a spreadsheet and started sorting them out and… Well, the game actually did a great job of already having them in a pretty good order. There really wasn’t much for me to add.

So instead, I’m just going to point out something that I found notable: The mini-games in FNAF VR that are directly based on the previous games in the series are by far the most frightening of the bunch. The mini-games that are more “inspired by” previous titles spooked me pretty good too, but when I look at the list of mini-games that I’ve been able to complete, there’s a pretty clear trend. The Dark Rooms, Parts & Service, and Vent Repair categories all went down pretty easily, but it’s been a struggle to make it through even the first night of the rest.

Well, except for FNAF3. It’s stupidly easy to lock Springtrap in place and that takes a lot away from the scare factor.

To explain a little further, FNAF VR includes fairly complete remakes of the first four Five Nights at Freddy’s games. “Night Terrors” takes some creative liberties with the way that FNAF4 worked, but it’s still a pretty close stand-in. These VR remakes are actually what really drew me to FNAF VR in the first place. As much as I like the game where you need to shine a flashlight on teleporting Plushbaby dolls before they kill you, it doesn’t nearly compare to the thrill of being in a full VR recreation of the original Five Night’s at Freddy’s game. The other three are neat too, but I never actually played any of the sequels until Sister Location…

The reason for that being that the original FNAF scared the ever-loving crap out of me. I played it once. For ten minutes. And then I couldn’t sleep for weeks. Visions of murderous animatronics filled my mind whenever I closed my eyes. They could have been hiding around any corner, in any sufficiently dark area. Every light was on in my home at all times until I was able to escape the dread of being killed by a giant robot bear. That terror was apparently also able to spark obsession within me, as my mind has been constantly preoccupied by the franchise ever since.

You may be wondering then, if I was so terrified of these games, why would I want to place myself directly into them. Well, it’s that obsession, I guess. The fascination of what a cheap little indie game would be like with an actual budget is also a part of it. But mostly it’s because I’m not particularly afraid of FNAF anymore. I watch and re-watch gameplay footage and other related media all the time. I have FNAF merch strewn about my home. I’m very familiar with all facets of this series, and the only thing that could further stoke the fires of my fandom would be… to actually be in the games.

The thing is, I really do enjoy being there. Actually being behind any of those desks (or in that bedroom in the case of FNAF4) is intoxicating, and being free from the tyranny of having to control everything with a mouse pointer is a revelation. It’s so much fun! The thing is that… they cause me so much anxiety that I still have a really rough time playing them. I know that I’m going to be jumpscared, and I know what all the jumpscares are like, and yet the sheer anxiety of not knowing when the jumpscare is going to happen is enough to melt me into a puddle of whimpering goo. The first couple in-game hours are fine, but then I lose track of one of the animatronics, or Funtime Freddy starts taunting me, and everything falls apart. If you want to see the absolute fastest a human being can move, just watch me tear off a VR headset when my stress level gets too high.

Interestingly, the FNAF2 recreation has proven to be the worst of the bunch. A lot of it has to do with the fact that trying to keep track of the animatronics via the cameras becomes impossible very quickly. There are seven creatures out to get you once it shifts into high gear, which is just too much to control. And you’re going to need to keep the camera locked to the prize corner to keep that music box wound anyway. So all you can do is quickly hop between lighting up the vents and the hall to see if anything is coming. The rhythm isn’t too hard to get into, but it’s highly stressful, and having the music box constantly drowning out any helpful audio cues makes it so much worse. At least you could be ready if you were able to hear things coming.

I think that the dominance of the FNAF remakes also has a lot to do with the fact that all of the other random mini-games are just that. They’re smaller, more focused experiences. The FNAF recreations task you with keeping track of and fending off monsters for about nine minutes at a time. It’s a heck of a lot more stressful than a mini-game that has you push a few buttons and flip a few switches while listening for the approach of a single robot. Even the FNAF4 approximation isn’t quite as bad as the FNAF1 or FNAF2 nights, since you’re only dealing with one or two legitimate threats at a time.

All of that said though, FNAF VR is still a solid lock for best game in the series. I mean, it pulls together the best parts of all the games that came before and remakes them in a stunning virtual environment. There’s really no competition. It’s also important to note that it shows a really high level of polish; there are so many little touches and hidden secrets, you can really tell that the developers were passionate about bringing Freddy and his cohorts to life. And I’ve got to say that even though it forced me to wait almost two years to finally play the game, I’m glad that I didn’t settle for the “flat” version. It would still be a lot of fun, but could never compare to the exceptionally well-done VR version.

Now that I’ve said my piece, it’s almost noon and I’ve only checked about thirty-seven times today to see if there’s a release date yet for Five Nights at Freddy’s: Security Breach. I gotta get Googling!

Spooktober Movie-Watch Round-Up 2020: Week 5

Well, Spooktober is over, but I suppose I still owe one of these. Let’s hop right into it.

~ Halloween ~

The 1978 original. I don’t go back to this one as often as Friday the 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street, so it was a nice change of pace. I was absolutely aghast that it wasn’t available on any of my usual streaming services. You’re going to make me pay to rent this genre-defining classic? Huff!

I don’t think I can say anything new or insightful about it, 40+ years later. I do appreciate that its scares are a lot more subtle than just constantly having teenagers chased and tormented by an unstoppable maniac. The scenes where Michael is just standing off in the distance, unmoving and expressionless, before vanishing a split second later are super creepy. If I saw someone just standing in my parking lot, staring up at my unit, I’d be more than a little creeped out. Probably wouldn’t leave for days after that.

It does bother me a bit, though, that Mikey is immortal. You don’t have to go in-depth on why the guy is a mute serial killer, we can blindly accept that. Especially in 2020, when we know a lot more about psychology and mental illness. But it doesn’t make any sense that he can recover from any injury. You can explain away the six or seven gunshot wounds by suggesting that he picked up a kevlar vest somewhere, but the dude got stabbed right in the neck. Characters in horror movies die from way less than that all the time. Outside of this one little detail, Halloween is very much grounded in reality, so it sticks out like a sore thumb. Oh well!

~ Pet Sematary ~

I went against my better judgment here and watched the 2019 remake, instead of the original. I’ve never actually seen the 1989 version of Pet Sematary though, so it’s not like I had any prior investment in this story.

And the story, as it goes, is about a family who moves into a sleepy backwoods town. Their cat gets hit by a truck, and a local hillbilly (played by John Lithgow) shows the father a secret place where you can bury dead things to bring them back to life. Only they come back somewhat more evil. Things escalate when the daughter also gets flattened by a truck and… Well, I think you can piece together the rest from here.

I can’t say that I really enjoyed Pet Sematary, but I was somewhat interested in the main plot line and how it would unfold. There was a secondary plot about the mom’s childhood trauma that really didn’t tie into the rest of the movie at all. Perhaps it was more meaningful in the novel (which I haven’t read), but here it was just an out-of-place distraction. The mom didn’t really have much else to do, but the writers should have been able to give the character a more relevant role.

It also made no sense that dad was able to dig up his daughter’s corpse and not be immediately besieged by a police investigation the next day. Someone would have noticed the gaping hole and empty coffin in the cemetery. It seemed to be right next to a main thoroughfare. There should have been a phone call, at least.

Uh, anyway, I wouldn’t really recommend it. I wasn’t bored or anything, but there just isn’t enough there to make it worth the watch. The characters are flat and there’s too much cruft. This didn’t need to be a two-hour movie. The premise was interesting, but not quite enough so to support a feature film, and it’s probably the most predictable movie that I’ve watched this season. John Lithgow was by far the best part, as he often is.