Articles – Page 14

The Surprise Bag That Time Forgot

Surprise bags have been a part of Torrential Equilibrium ever since its inception, and they will likely keep coming back again and again as long the site exists and as long I keep visiting dollar stores in other towns. They’re just so easy to review, they cost like $1.50 at most, and there’s always something interesting inside. Of course, I use the word “interesting” in its most literal sense, because the objects are curious and draw your attention. They are never in any way good, useful, or tasty. With the Nintendo Surprise goodies being the only exception to this rule.

The other great thing about surprise bags is that it’s always fun to try to find the oldest one. Now, I was pretty excited about the Nintendo Surprise, and as far as I can remember, they were about a year and a half old when I found them. Since then, finding old surprise bags has been my raison d’être, and you can imagine how happy I was when I came across Dick Turtle. I never found a year on those things, but forensic evidence, carbon dating, and some other impressive-sounding things have proven that eating the candy they contained was probably a bad idea. The last type of surprise bag I reviewed was wasn’t too old. Hell, it probably hadn’t even reached the year-old mark. But I had a whole bunch of them, and you know how it is here – quantity over quality.

So anyway, if the opening spiel, the link you clicked to get here, and that totally fancy title graphic that I spent way to much time on didn’t tip you off, I’m reviewing yet another new species of surprise bag. I’ll tell you now that based on age and disgusted reactions, this is by far the best surprise bag yet. It’s going to be hard to top, because it’s provided me with tons of material and I’ve got myself so hyped up about how great it’ll be that I worked extra hard on the title banner and put a huge amount of effort (in comparison to how much effort I usually put into an article) into the bonus that will be featured at the end.

I think I’ve prattled on for long enough. So now I present to you the oldest, most generic surprise bag I’ve seen in my life:

Oh yeah. Paydirt. It’s no more than some white paper folded up and stamped with clipart and some vague words. I would have loved to be the guy who designed this bag, simply because he got paid for literally doing something a three-year-old could do better. Or at least that’s how I imagine it went down. For all I know, it could have been made by a whole pack of slaves who tried their damnedest to prove that they should be paid for their work. The one thing I am sure about is that we’ll never know anything more about this surprise bag, because it doesn’t bear a single mark that could help distinguish where it came from. No company name, no date, no trademark or anything. For all we know, this could have been put together by some meth chefs during the off-season. Though now that I think of it, is there a meth off-season? I mean, it’s not like when dope farmers have to close up for the winter. Unless they have a greenhouse, I guess. But that’s all besides the point. I think. I’ve kind of forgotten what my point was.

Considering the cheapness of it all, I’m pretty impressed at how different those question marks are. They’re different colours, slightly different fonts, and they’re filled in differently. To tell the truth though, I can’t remember at all why I took this picture. It doesn’t show anything different than the big picture did, and there’s nothing to really read there either, so it’s a mystery to me.

I do find it a little sketchy that it says “candy or toy” on the bag. The interesting part being the “or.” Dick Turtle and the more colourful generic clown bag suggested that you’d be getting some of both in every bag, but this one is all about getting one or the other. Is it an accurate statement, or will we be surprised to find both toys as well as candy in the bag? Only time will tell, and if it proves wrong, I’ll have one more reason to hunt down the people who made these. Bad grammar cannot go unpunished! Unless it’s a typo in one of my articles. We can let those slip.

Do you think they just printed out every ingredient that’s ever been in anything, just so they could throw anything in there and their asses would be covered? That’s my theory. I’m pretty sure the only other place I’ve seen some of these ingredients is on shampoo bottles, so I’m kinda hoping that it’s gonna be just the toys this time around.

Also note that back of the bag features just as few noteworthy marks as the front. Unless you can trace objects by their barcodes, it’s like they wanted to make sure that we’d never be able to find them. And there would be good reason for that too. You’ll understand once we get in a little further.

Now do you see? It’s all candy! There are some cards too, but they don’t really count as toys or candy, so we’ll just write them off for now. After considering how ratty and uninspired the bag it, I wasn’t overly thrilled at the thought of how old the contents could be. I’ve never heard of any of these candies, but I guess that’s not so different from the situation presented by the other surprise bags. Well, that one other clown one did have a Chupa Chups lollipop in it, and that’s a brand that’s pretty easy to recognize. This one is all stuff that even the most prolific candy know-it-alls would likely be hard-pressed to identify. Hell, some of it doesn’t even have proper packaging. I was truly frightened by the prospect of putting some of these things in my mouth, and I’m still a little shaken by the whole experience. Fortunately, I didn’t have to suffer through it all on my own, but more on that later. Let’s have a look-see at what’s here.

You know, these little guys look oddly familiar. I just can’t put my finger on it… Well, I guess maybe they’re not ripping off Tic Tacs entirely. After all, the sticker indicated that they came from Barcelona. Yeah. What? That doesn’t sound so bad? Do you even know where Barcelona is? It’s in Spain! Spain is a long way away. I’ve never been, but one day maybe… Anyhow, it also shows that Hit is produced by a company called Nutrexpa, so I took a look to see what the ol’ internet had to say about Nutrexpa. This is their site. But don’t expect to learn anything unless you’re fluent in their language, as you can click the English option a many times as you like, but the site will still be mainly in this “castellano” they talk about so much. I, in my infinite wisdom, was able to surf the site without any trouble, but didn’t uncover anything. It’s a nice-looking site, but there’s almost nothing there. (Actually, the site just doesn’t get along well with FireFox. If you browse it in IE or whatnot, it’s all English and there are plenty of informaciónes.)

With all that red tape cleared up and out of the way, there was only one thing left to do: eat one of them. The bag was old and shitty, but the Hit container and the Nutrexpa website seemed pretty up-to-date, so I figured it wouldn’t be all that bad. Then I noticed the little black numbers on the front of the plastic container. 30.07.02 Now, there’s no proof that it’s the expiration date. It may be the “packaged” date for all we know, but history has proven that when there’s only one set of numbers that they signify when the shit inside will go bad. And this stuff passed its prime three and a half years ago. Ouch.

With my confidence shaken, I decided that I’d bite the bullet anyway. What kind of entertainer would I be if I didn’t put my physical wellness on the line for a laugh? After convincing myself that there’s no way tiny little mints like these could go bad, I took it like a man and popped one in my mouth. At first, it wasn’t so bad. Then I started to bite down, and a horrifying chill went down my spine. I quickly spit the thing out and looked at it. These babies my look like Tic Tacs, but they’re made more like regular hard candies. Regaining my courage, I put it back in and chewed it up. It wasn’t so bad. A little more brittle (for lack of a better word) than I’m normally comfortable with, but there wasn’t anything overly wrong with it. The issue was all in my head, and now that I had a little confidence under my belt, I was ready to take on whatever else this bag threw at me.

Okay, maybe I’m not that ready. You know, I’m not sure if the fact that there are no indications whatsoever of what these are, where they came from, and how old they are should comfort or frighten me. They could date back to the American Civil War for all I know, or on the other hand, they might have been produced a week ago. Based on what we’ve seen so far, I’m not exactly overflowing with confidence. There’s nothing to really make preamble out of here, so I’ll just cut right to the chase.

As you may have guessed, they were hollow gumballs. Okay. That’s not so bad. I’m pretty sure that gumballs are like cartoon characters and never really age no matter how long they’re around for. They were almost as hard as jawbreakers on the first bite, but they ended up being just as chewy as normal gum, so I can’t say it was a bad experience eating these things. Chalk up another victory for me. This surprise bag may be outdated, but it can’t possibly defeat me. Nope. No way in hell.

At least that’s what I thought at the time. But just how dead wrong I was, even I wasn’t prepared to find out.

Enter Dubu gum. It looks pretty normal, right? Nothing overly suspicious about it. Well, that’s how it seems at a first glance anyway. Further investigation of the package reveals that this stuff also hails from Spain. No year on it, but our adventures in Spanish candy haven’t been too thrilling so far. The other notable thing is that it’s peppermint-flavoured gum. Well, it’s not really notable, but now we know exactly what it’s supposed to taste like. Peppermint gum isn’t exactly hard to come across. Sadly, this shit was anything but peppermint.

This gunk was grody. And I mean “roadkill covered in diarrhoea” grody. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that if I have to suffer, I do my best to make sure someone else suffers with me. So since I was “blessed” with so much of this dubious Dubu, I decided the only logical thing to do was to have my family eat some too. Below are some of their comments.

-Eric: “Tastes like wax and toothpaste. Smells… Horrible.”

-Mom: “It smells like pee!”

-Dad: “Smells like somebody peed on a mint. I’m not putting that in my mouth.”

-Patrick: “I like it. Tastes good.”

I kid you not. Those quotes are verbatim. Down to the punctuation. As for what I thought? Well, have you ever had one of those Christmas tree ornaments that are supposed to smell like candy canes? I do, and if you haven’t ever seen/smelled one, I’d be glad to show you sometime. Anyway, the gum smelled almost exactly like that, except slightly more rancid. I can’t believe that after smelling that thing that I actually put it in my mouth, but I did. Almost without thinking. As soon as I bit down, I spit it out all over and almost vomited. But, you know, that would have been alright. Vomit tastes way better than old Dubu gum. It was probably the worst thing I’ve ever tasted. Ever. And I’ve eaten oysters (By accident. I’ll tell you the story some other time). The consistency was… well, since one of my brothers actually liked the stuff I guess it was like that of normal gum, But I didn’t have it in my mouth anywhere long enough to know for sure.

On the upside, that’s one more lesson learned for me. If I ever see Dubu gum again, I will hold onto it and offer some to anyone who angers me even in the slightest. It would be a great – and relatively harmless – form of revenge. And maybe torture too…

Sensor chewy candy. Oh, hey! It’s strawberry-flavoured! How could this go wrong? This is how. It’s got approximately a year on the Hit candy. I’m not gonna be putting a very large bet on this horse. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this experience so far, it’s that candy has an expiration date for a reason. It may seem timeless, but the shit does worsen with age. Maybe not as fast as say, milk, but it happens.

Being me, I was enticed by the claims of “chewy” and “strawberry” all over the package, so I popped one in. You’d think I would have learned by now.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t remember the last candy I ate that was advertised as “chewy” that was not dissimilar to chewing on a rock. You see that image above? It’s a little blurry, but you should be able to tell quite well that it’s split very finely in two. Why do I point this out? Chewy candy does not split in two! I hurt my teeth when I clamped my jaw down on that little sucker! You could probably take a hammer and chisel to one of these things and find fossils inside. Needless to say, there wasn’t a whole lot of strawberry present either.

I’m kind of a slob, so when I was done with the stuff I just left it sitting on my floor (I got the bag and took the pics about a good week before I started writing this article). A couple days later, my dogs wandered in. Poor little guys didn’t seem to like the stuff either, as one of them came out with a piece in his mouth, gnawing desperately at it in hopes of putting a dent in it. The other one ate the leftover red gumball. It was funny at the time, but then I realized that since I’m the one that stays home with them all day that I’d likely be cleaning up the resulting doggy vomit. As luck would have it, that’s just what happened.

Well lookie here! These not only look contemporary, but they also seem to be North American-made. Things are finally starting to look up! Upon closer inspection, it turns out they’re actually produced in Hamilton, Ontario. That’s the best news I’ve gotten all day! They even advertise their website on the package. In an unlucky twist of fate, said website is currently broken. Or something like that. Maybe they’re just doing maintenance right now and by the time you read this it’ll be back up and working. God knows that I’m not going to be trying to get there anymore.

Sadly, that wasn’t all the information listed on the package. They also included a “best before” date. That date reads 30.01.03. Yeah, just over three years. But, at least it says “best before” and not “expires.” There is a difference between the two.

There’s actually an interesting note about the gum here. While most gumballs are round or oval, these ones are shaped more like fat barrels. And by that I mean they’ve got two parallel flat spots, rather than being entirely round. I’m not sure if they were meant to be this way, but considering that all three gumballs in the package are shaped the same way, I’m willing to bet that it was intentional. But now I’m just trying to drag it on. Let’s see how they’ve stood up against the test of time.

To start, they smelled like dust. A bad omen if I’ve ever smelled one. But I put the Dubu gum in my mouth after smelling it, so I have no excuse to chicken out on these things. It came as a bit of a surprise that the one I “ate” actually tasted like dust as well. Dust with a hint of lemon. The sourness was definitely gone many a year ago, and they actually managed to taste like old. Keeping in mind, of course, that I don’t know exactly what old tastes like. I’ve never licked anyone’s grandma. Not surprisingly, the gum was pretty damned hard. Not as hard as rocks like those red gumballs, but hard enough to deter me from continuing to try to eat one. If these guys were best before January in 2003, they likely expired two months or so after.

You can’t really tell by the picture, but these suckers appeared a bit paler that usual. There’s not really anything to go on from here, unfortunately. It’s a good thing I’m close to the end. I don’t know how much more of this crap I can take.

While there was a slight hint of something I didn’t recognize, the suckers actually tasted pretty normal. Not great, but they didn’t activate my gag reflex, and that’s always a plus. I still wouldn’t recommend ingesting one, because only God knows what that little mystery taste is. It might just be old, but it could be something far more frightful. The thing about surprise bags like this is that the mysteries don’t end one you see what’s inside. The products I’ve seen so far prompt more questions than they answer, and my overactive imagination isn’t a great trait when I think about why these things taste as horrible as they do.

Wow. Just wow.

I didn’t realize the “Otoban” was popular enough to have it’s own gum. And they even come with stickers! Check it out. But why bikes? Oh well.

Upon opening the Otoban gum, I was surprised to discover that it looked exactly like Dubble Bubble gum. Except gray. Well, that’s not good. As with the Dubu gum, I had given it a try prior to writing this article, and I have some comments on this stuff too.

-Eric: “Still tastes like gum, but it’s freakin’ hard.”

-Mom: “Disgusting, vile. It’s like eating chalk.”

I didn’t get enough of this stuff to go all the way around, but three impressions are better than one. As for me, I again popped it in my mouth without really thinking of the consequences. There was no initial taste, but when I bit down I got the worst surprise. The damn thing splintered into a billion tiny fragments and I immediately spit out as much as I could. It had about the same texture as glass. It was like there were a billion shards of sadness in my mouth. It did not taste like gum, and I have no idea how my brother managed to get any flavour out of it. All I was left with was the feeling of having a thick layer of dust caked on my tongue. It was similar to eating dried-out Play-Doh, except without the unique Play-Doh taste.

The final group of items in the bag were, thankfully, not edible. The cards were a huge flashback for me, because back when I was between four and 11 years old, I collected all sorts of cards. Sports, movies, dinosaurs, video games – anything that came in card form, I would collect. But there were a couple things about these cards that stood out.

First off, I’d never even heard of the movie “Baby.” From what I can glean from the cards, it seems like something that may have influenced Jurassic Park, but of course, I only know small bits of the story. In any case, there’s a pretty good indication of why I’ve never heard of this movie on each card: it was released in 1985. That’s a year before I was even born. Before I was conceived, even. That also makes these cards the oldest dated items found in the bag. Probably the oldest items I own, too. The other thing is just a personal annoyance. On the back of every card, the assumed tagline for the movie reads “Great New Adventure Movie.” Does that sound overly Engrish to anyone else? It’s also a shitty tagline.

I did a quick IMDb search for “Baby,” but the only movie with that title that was produced in 1985 is this. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for. I don’t care enough to do any more searching either, so Baby will remain a mystery to me until the end of time. I don’t rightly care though.

As happy as I was to find a perfect Surprise Bag to write a review of, I can’t say I was overly thrilled to have even put some of that stuff in my mouth. It was really bad. Like, the Nintendo gum at least just tasted bad, it wasn’t vile. I had to go to some rather extreme measures to wash some of those horrible tastes and residues out of my mouth. But hey, on the upside, it got easier as time went by.

Rest assured though, that a bad experience will not deter me in my quest to find and review as many surprise bags as humanly possible. Of course, if you hate the surprise bag articles, that’s not a good thing, but you’re going to have to deal with them. I’ve got a good thing going here, and if you think I’m going to give it up, you’re dead wrong. I don’t know really how to go out here, so I’ve attatched a sweet little gallery to the end of the article. Enjoy!

Bonus! – The Baby Card Mini-Gallery

Between my surprise bag and the two my brother got, we claimed quite a few of these “Baby” collector’s cards. Seeing as they’re moderately interesting, I’ve scanned both sides of every card at a respectable resolution and put them all up in this spanktastic gallery for you to gawk at. Just look at how much effort I put into making the thumbnails! What a waste of time!

Baby Stickers
What could the big picture be?

Ryan’s Ultimate Challenge

January 2006 was a hard month for me. due to some less-tan-mysterious circumstances, I had been left without home internet access. It may come as a bit of a shock to you, but the internet plays a very big part in my life. It serves as my connection to music, games, socialization, literature, news, and much more. Not only that, but by now you’ve probably figured out that I write for at least one website. So a month without internet access really bummed me out.

Like many, when I’m unhappy, only one thing can satiate me. And that thing is cookies. But really, cookies have nothing to do with where I’m going here. Without the interweb, I was forced to find alternate methods to entertain myself. After blazing through my increasingly monstrous DVD collection, I realized that sitting idly at watching TV and movies all day wasn’t going to be enough. No, I needed something more interactive. Something I could really get myself into. Eventually, it came to me that what I needed was a challenge.

So I set off into the dark depths of all the stuff I own. This eventually brought me to the computer. Since the internet was dead, the ol’ compy wasn’t getting a whole lot of use. Heck, it had gone for at least a week without use. So I booted her up and decided to scour my files for some much-needed diversion. I got to my ROM folder, and after smacking down all three MegaMan X games, cheating my way through the two SNES Castlevania games (you finish them legitimately, then you can berate me for cheating), and travelling halfway across Yoshi’s Island, I finally found it. The challenge I was looking for: Mickey’s Ultimate Challenge.

It stared me in the face for a minute, and then I decided that I would undertake this challenge. It was, by name at least, the Ultimate Challenge, so how could I say no? If I could prevail over the most ultimate of challenges, there would be nothing I couldn’t do. So I loaded the ROM and braced myself for what was sure to be the hardest thing I would ever do (except for that time I went back in time and drew the Nazca lines all by myself while using my telekinetic powers to construct Stonehenge and slay the dinosaurs, of course).

The game started as one might expect, with developer logos and copyright pages all over the place. I didn’t have to defeat any of them, and as such was a little disappointed. A real ultimate challenge would start the moment you boot up the ROM. Probably even before. So I pressed on.

The game then offered me two choices. Firstly, I was to pick between Mickey or Minnie as my avatar. While I have a tendency to pick female characters just as much as any other man, I felt it would be better to choose the buff, masculine character for this particular trial. After that, the game proceeded to offer me cake. I was ready to accept, too, but it quickly dawned on me that the game was more than likely trying to divert me from my goal. I couldn’t have that, so I passed on the cake, as delicious as it would have been, skipped right past this “medium” thing, since I’ve been having no trouble with wayward spirits, and dug right into my challenge.

By this point, I had had more then enough of this preamble, but the game decided that it would continue trying to stall me. This time it tried to get me to read some sort of story about a story, probably intending to make me too confused or bored to continue. But nigh! I prevailed over the sequence of pictures and words, and with my head held high, I continued on my quest. I had passed the first test, but it was a simple one, and I was more than ready for the harder trials that were sure to follow.

I was caught off-guard when I discovered myself falling from the sky onto a tower of a castle. I got up and dusted myself off, wondering what the game was trying to accomplish. It was then that I met a guard patrolling the area. He informed me that I has arrived in the Beanwick Kingdom, but I could see past his armored exterior that he was really a weasel! If there’s one animal I don’t trust, it’s weasels. But just as I was about to give him the old one-two, the ground shook violently below us and I cracked a joke about how the place should be called the “Jumping-Beanwick Kingdom”. The weasel, clearly unamused by my knock at his homeland, informed me that the tremors were common in the land, and that if they continued as such, the place would be destroyed in a matter of weeks. I highly doubted him, but decided that if he was telling the truth, it would surely be a challenge worthy of being called ultimate to stop the earthquakes.

I could have sworn the weasel flipped me the bird when I turned to leave, but I wasn’t able to catch him in the act, and it would have been a waste of my time to deal with him anyway. So I hopped off the tower and immediately came upon another problem: I wasn’t able to jump out from between the two towers. It seemed hopeless for a while, but after examining all of my options and abilities, I discovered that I could perform not only a small hop, but also an extended jump. Why I would need two different jumps boggled my mind, but it was better not to think about it. I had no other discernable traits that might help me along the way, so I bounced back up to the doorway just left of the weasel’s tower. I couldn’t see anywhere that looked like a better starting point, so I entered the door.

Inside was a gigantic library, which I could have sworn was bigger than the entire castle was on the outside, nevermind the small tower in which it was located. Such an issue in proportions probably should have been looked into, but I had a challenge to seek out, and no too-big library was gonna stop me. So I wandered a little deeper in, and came across this snooty-looking thing that I had no idea what it was. A horse maybe? God could only tell, the damn thing was clothed in an outlandish green robe and decked out in some of the biggest bling I’d ever seen. I knew that talking to this slimeball was going to be a mistake, but I sucked it up, hoping maybe he knew a little about either where I could find a real challenge or how I could stop the earthquakes.

All the guy would tell me that his books needed sorting, and that he couldn’t do it due to the fact that he’d lost his glasses and couldn’t see well. Bastard asks me to do him a favour, yet refused to even tell me his name. But seeing as there may have been an ultimate challenge involved, I decided to help him after all. Sadly, the task of sorting books was not an ultimate challenge, but it definitely wasn’t as easy as it sounds. See, there were books flying around all over the place, and my job was to step on the properly lettered-books to spell out a secret word. The task was dumb and made no sense, but the thing that I had the biggest issue with was the Daisy Duck statue with gigantic breasts. Is it just me, or does that strike anyone else as inappropriate? Anyway, after “sorting” the books, the horse-thing begrudgingly thanked me and handed me a book as a reward. A book. how is that going to help me stop the earthquakes? Pissed like never before, I stormed out of the tower and moved on.

I crossed over the top of the castle, thinking that maybe the opposite tower would contain something of value. On my way, I’m sure that damned weasel flipped me off again. I vowed to push him over the parapet if he did it again.

After a long hour of trying desperately to climb the small branches that served as ledges leading up to the eastern tower (How could I have given up? Getting up there was a small challenge), I finally made it up and in, but just as I walked in the doorway I was smacked with a blast of magic! I looked up and saw Donald Duck dressed as a magician. Then I realized that that foul fowl has shrunk me down to the size of a Japanese man’s penis! My revenge would have to be swift and bloody, but first I would have to get back to my regular size. Donald informed me that he could reverse the spell if I helped him concoct the proper potion. Seeing as this was my only option, I hopped up onto his table and awaited instruction.

It was then that I noticed that the table was shaped like a small maze, and that there were potions laying about. Donald told me that if I could push all the potions into the hole at the top of the maze, they would create the spell he needed to restore me. So I did. Though it did take a while. For a while, it seemed like every time I got all the potions in the hole, the table’s layout would change and more potions would appear. I’ll admit that some of the mazes were tricky, but for the most part, they were just time-consuming. This was certainly no ultimate challenge. Barely a challenge at all, really. Anyway, I finally finished with the potions, and after Donald resized me, he apologized profusely and begged for mercy. I decided to spare his life since he was so pathetic, and as a thanks he handed me a pair of glasses. Hooray, more useless crap. I left quickly because I was beginning to change my mind about the whole “letting him live” bit.

After wandering around and pondering my next move a for a bit, the next logical step seemed to be to go into the main hall of the castle. After all, if anyone could help me with my ultimate challenge, it would be someone of high enough repute to be in the main part of the castle, and not the secluded towers. My hopes were dashed when I ran into Daisy Duck. She came up to me right away and pleaded for me to help her, and that she would reward me greatly if I did. Based on the “rewards” I’d gotten up to this point, I was tempted just to walk out and jump in the river, hoping for a hungry crocodile to happen by. Death sounded like a far better alternative to wasting my time on these rubes. But I couldn’t give up on the ultimate challenge! So I decided to listen to her pleas.

Daisy told me that she needed to get all the portraits in the hall dusted before anyone noticed and reported her to the proper authorities. The problem was that she’d misplaced her special orthopedic shoes, and couldn’t manage on the ladder. So I hopped up and dusted the shit out of those portraits. Unfortunately, the castle must have been designed by Ozwell Spencer, as there was a ridiculous trick to dusting these paintings. I had to dust two portraits of the same person back-to-back, or else they would quickly reclaim their covering of dust. It didn’t take me long to get the job done, because I’m so smart and handsome, and as promised, Daisy gave me a reward. Only this time the reward was well worth it, she had stolen a gold brick from the castle treasury for me! I was rolling in it now. Slightly more encouraged to continue my quest, I set off again to see if there was anyone else that might be willing to score me some more dosh.

There was one doorway on the castle that I hadn’t yet explored, and it was marked with a sign that said “drawbridge”, and noticing that the drawbridge was up, I chose to venture in to see if I could get it lowered. There was a good chance that the earthquakes were coming from somewhere outside the castle, after all.

Inside, I met up with Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Much like Daisy, they were in a huge panic, and I knew that this was my opportunity to get m’hands on another one of those lovely gold bars. So I asked them what was up, and they replied that the drawbridge mechanism was stuck, and that they would be beheaded if anyone found out. Knowing they were in mortal peril, I told them that I would help them for a price. They agreed and told me that if I pushed down the nearby pumps, the backup mechanism would go into effect and would lower the drawbridge. So I took up the challenge.

In the end, it didn’t turn out to be so much a challenge as a time waster. See, the pumps were also made up of a simple puzzle, and the whole ordeal played out like a big game of Simon. You know the one where the lights blink and you have to touch them in the right order? Yeah. A big pain in the ass. That’s what it was. I fixed that drawbridge good, and all I got in return was a stupid glass slipper. Well, on the positive side, something that looks that valuable must be worth a decent amount of cash, right? So I wasn’t entirely infuriated, but I was certainly unhappy that they weren’t able to come up with one measly gold brick between the three of them.

Now that I had explored the entirety of the castle (it’s not like there was much there. I’ve built more impressive castles out of LEGOs), I set out across the drawbridge to see what the rest of the Beanwick Kingdom has to offer me. Sadly, it only consisted of a well and a small blacksmith’s shop. Which happened to be shaped like a shoe. What is wrong with these people?

Inside the blacksmith’s shoe I found Goofy, who was clearly slacking off. Startled by my presence, he told me that there wasn’t much going on since he had no metal to work with. I feigned interest in what he had to say for a while, and he asked me if I’d like to play a game with him. At first I was reluctant, but he promised a reward. Today’s rewards have been mostly less that satisfactory, but I gave it one last try. Maybe this would be another big payout. Fate wasn’t on my side, but I don’t give up that easily.

Goofy’s “game” was a poor attempt at copying Mastermind. He put some objects in a toolbox and had me guess what they were and what order they were in. Only, he just told me how many I had right, and not which ones were right. The bastard’s loose comprehension of the rules made the game a lot harder than it should have been, as Mastermind is an easy frickin’ game, but it still wasn’t anything I would even dream of calling an ultimate challenge.

After defeating Goofy at someone else’s game, I gloated for a while until he started jabbing at me with his tongs. I dodged his attacks with all the grace of Napoleon Dynamite, and Goofy proceeded to toss a hammer at me. While it just barely whizzed past my head, I figured that it was time to skedaddle, so I took the hammer as a victory trophy and got out of there before he was able to line up another toss.

Unfortunately, now I had met everyone in the tiny kingdom and ended up with nothing but a load of junk and a gold bar. I was no closer to my goal of finding the ultimate challenge, and there was not a stone I had left unturned. But just before desperation got hold of me, I was smacked upside the head with a brilliant idea! I remembered that the horse-thing jackass from the library had mentioned that he was missing his glasses, and it all suddenly came together. I was sure that everyone I’d met had mentioned needing something that was currently in my possession. With the grandest of ideas, I started my long journey back to the castle, where I could surely get something good by trading away all the excess crap I was carrying.

A short time later, I had revisited everyone in the castle, and sadly, things had just gotten worse. My notion to trade away my useless junk was spot-on, but I was less than ecstatic about what I’d gotten in return. Not one, not even two or three, but all four of the castle residents (aside from the weasel, who I did end up pushing over the parapet) gave me stupid beans in exchange for their precious goods. What good was this? I even went back to Goofy’s and gave him my precious gold brick, and even he just gave me a lousy bean in return. I’d come to the conclusion that if nothing else, the people of this kingdom were horrible cheapskates. Pissed off, as I headed back to the castle to return some favours (if you know what I mean), I tossed the dumb beans in the well.

FOOM! The earth shook with all the force of a Bantha herd, the well exploded into a million little bits as a gigantic beanstalk grew from the hole. The beanstalk quickly rose straight up into the sky, so far that I could no longer see the top of it. while the whole scenario seemed a little overdone, I knew that the ultimate challenge laid wherever that beanstalk ended, so I hopped on up and climbed for what seemed like an eternity. I’m not an overly adept beanstalk climber, you see (it’s one of the few things I’m not awesome at), and that thing stretched a many hundred miles into the air. This alone was really leading me to believe that the ultimate challenge was definitely waiting for me at the top, so as tough as the climb was, I persevered until I reached the clouds and the very top of the oversized vine.

At the top of the vine, as cliché as it sounds, was a giant. He was sleeping, so I was safe for the moment. But as he snored, the clouds, of all things, rumbled like my innards after a plate of extra-spicy burritos. It must have been the giant’s snoring that was making the kingdom below shake so violently. Well, part of my quest was to stop the earthquakes, so it seemed like it was up to me to wake the beast. If that wasn’t going to be an ultimate challenge in itself, surely enduring the wrath of an annoyed giant would be. There was no turning back now. I crept up to the giant, and noticed a sliding puzzle. It was hard to tell, but it seemed that his alarm clock had been trapped in the puzzle. That’s the weirdest snooze button I’ve ever seen, but I guess that’s just how giants do it.

I tinkered for a good fifteen minutes with that sliding puzzle. It was a tricky one, but fortunately I had mastered the art of sliding puzzles during my adventures on the high seas that were once the kingdom of Hyrule. Eventually, I did manage to free the clock, and it rang like not clock has ever rang before. I guess it had a serious case of the blue bells from being trapped in that puzzle for so long. the giant had been awakened, an as I had predicted, he was none too happy about it. He got up and was ready to crush me when suddenly everything started getting all fuzzy. Within seconds the world went dark.

I rose from my daze and the first thing I thought to myself was that the search for the ultimate challenge had been nothing but a big waste of time. None of the tasks I accomplished were anything but time-consuming and boring. The sliding puzzle that held the clock would have posed a slight challenge for any lesser man, but even for the most inept puzzle solver, it wouldn’t have even come close to being hailed as the ultimate challenge. I was disappointed, and vowed that someday I would find the ultimate challenge, wherever it may lie. All I can tell you from this experience is that the Beanwick Kingdom certainly does not have anything that could even qualify as moderately challenging, and it’s residents are all horrible, horrible cheapskates. Every last one of ’em. Don’t ever go there, it’s not worth your time. It would take you far longer to explore the place yourself and come back disappointed than it did to read this account, so you’ve dodged a bullet this time. Just remember, I won’t always be here to save you from making bad decisions, but if I’ve kept one person from experiencing the embodiment of dull that is the Beanwick Kingdom, then I can go to my grave a happy man. This is the end of only a chapter in my tale of the search for the ultimate challenge, and maybe someday I’ll treat you to the rest of the story. For now, though, it’s PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

TE Top 10: Video Games of 2005

It’s that time of year again. The time when we look back and pick out our favourites of everything and anything that happened during the year. Most people do their “top whatever” lists in early December, but I like to hold off until the first week of January so as not to miss anything that might just squeak by. Oh, and my list is one of video games. Just in case.

There are a few rules that certainly have big effects on my list. First and foremost, I don’t include any re-releases, no matter how much of an update they’ve gotten. Also, it is comprised only of games I’ve played. It would be kind of ruin the integrity of the list if I just threw any old game on it. The little problem with this is that I didn’t play a whole lot of games this year. Sure, compared to some people, I may have played a lot, but there wasn’t a whole lot of variety. I probably only rented like five or six games total this year. But oh well. That’s what you get.

That’s pretty much the whole intro. What else is there really to say? I’m gonna be doing enough reflection in the bajillion words below, so I don’t really need any of that here. So yeah. Go.

~ #11 (honourable mention) ~

Trauma Center: Under The Knife

Let me start by explaining the honourable mention. See, I haven’t really played Trauma Center. I have played the demo version, which was in Japanese, but I haven’t played the whole game. And since I haven’t actually played the whole game, I can’t in good faith give it a real spot on the list. But rest assured that if had, it would totally be there. What I did play of Trauma Center was really cool, and somewhat challenging as well. The game has topped my “most wanted” list since long before it came out, but alas, I’ve yet to find it anywhere. The local Electronics Boutiques have both informed me that they won’t be getting any more, and if EB isn’t getting any more, nuts to all the other stores. The only hope I have left is… eBay? Maybe I’m gonna have to investigate the Microplay scene. If anyone ever sees it, there’s a very generous bounty to be claimed… *hint hint*

EDIT: By the time this was posted, I got the game. As expected, it r0x0rz my b0x0rz.

~ #10 ~

Lost in Blue

Lost is Blue is lucky. Lucky that I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy of Trauma Center. It’s also lucky that Metal Gear Solid 3 was just a little too complicated and silly for my tastes. Actually, there are a lot of games I considered for this position, but Lost in Blue is just so neat that I couldn’t deny it.

A sequel to the underappreciated Survival Kids for the Game Boy Colour, Lost in Blue is a sim of a different persuasion. The idea of the game is that you’re stranded on an island with a girl, and you have to survive and find a way off the island. Or just survive. You don’t have to escape if you don’t want to. There are plenty of thins to do on the island, like rummage for food, collect stuff, make that stuff into tools, build furniture, hunt animals, explore, and more. The island provides a ton of stuff to do, and it’s up to you when you want to do it and if you even want to do it at all. the only thing you have to do (if you don’t want to lose) is to keep yourself and the girl alive. Otherwise, it’s all up to you. You’re even provided with the chance to play through as the girl once you complete the game, which offers an entirely different way to play the game.

Such open-ended gameplay usually has one of two effects on people: it either sucks you in completely, or you get bored right away. The only big difference between this and similar games like The Sims or Animal Crossing is that in Lost in Blue you do actually have an objective, so there is something compelling you to move forward. Not to mention that there are like a jillion different endings, based on your actions and relationship with the opposite character. The only real complaint I have to lodge against the game is that animals only appear in one area, and it takes a lot to get up there. Plus, hunting is really hard/requires luck more than anything.

~ #9 ~

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

This is the game I’d been waiting for since the DS was released. Aria of Sorrow is my favourite GBA game, and things could only get better with a sequel, right? Right. While it seems kind of harsh to give Dawn of Sorrow 9th place, it’s not so bad on the grand scale. 9th best of all the games I’ve played this year? Not too bad at all.

Castelvania: Dawn of Sorrow is the continued adventure of Soma Cruz, a regular-type guy who just happened to inherit Dracula’s powers by some cruel twist of fate. In Aria of Sorrow, he had to escape Dracula’s castle and keep from being corrupted by his powers. This time around, he’s in pretty deep, as some crazy cult is out to get him and his powers. The story is of the least importance, however, as the game itself is a testament to what beauty can be created on the DS. The game plays out in two dimensions, but every now and then there’s a 3D background that will just blow you away. The touch screen itself is used rather sparsely, but the fact that there are two screens is the single best improvement in a Castelvania game ever. See, the top screen can be used as a map screen, and that in itself is one capital reason to champion the DS. In any game with a map, especially Castelvania, it’s always a hassle to stop to check the map every few steps/rooms, and Dawn of Sorrow eliminates this issue completely by having the map ready for you at all times.

Even without the pretty graphics and cool features, the gameplay itself is more than noteworthy. Like its predecessor, Dawn of Sorrow uses a system of powerups fueled by the souls of your enemies. Every monster in the game has a soul which you can extract and use to your advantage. Some are simple abilities, like gaining throwing knives or summoning familiars, but others so some really cool stuff like letting you do a super jump or regenerating life. The game is pretty balanced, giving you a challenge while never being overly frustrating. Some bosses might drive you nuts, but a couple level-ups or the right soul combination could remedy the problem easily. There are a few different endings, a lackluster “enemy set” mode that you can challenge your friends to, and a handful of unlockables. Those unlockables include a sound test, a boss rush mode, hard mode, and a special mode that’s almost an entirely different game.

~ #8 ~

The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction

While I’d love to go on and on about this one, it seems I already have. I’d give you a link straight to it, but I’m feeling far too lazy at the moment to figure out the URL and all that shit you need to go through to make a link. So I’ll just type some stuff about the game instead.

Ultimate Destruction is more or less my dream free-roaming game. Of course, my overall dream game would contain many elements of UD, but it would be entirely different, and most likely 2D. Anyway, why do I love this game so much? For one, it’s all about destroying shit. There’s no stealth, no items, no rules. Just pure, unadulterated smashing. The game is basically split up into three categories (all rolled into one, but you won’t be doing one at the same time as another): free-roaming, missions, and sub-missions. The free-roaming is pretty obvious. You traipse around town as the Hulk, breaking whatever you see fit, jumping erratically, and basically just having a great time. The world is your oyster, and you may smash it as you please. Sadly, most of the buildings in the game are indestructible, but it’s still plenty of fun to destroy what can be destroyed. Heck, even my dad was impressed my this game, and the only interaction he has with any video game besides Pitfall is making fun of them.

The missions are pretty straight-forward as well. You’re usually either out to catch or destroy something, sometimes both. Pretty much any mission that strays from that formula has you high-tailing a piece of technology back to your church base. While these missions may not be geared toward destruction, they’re usually rather tricky, and that can provide much fun and frustration. Sub-missions are usually normal things like “race to here so fast” or “save pedestrians from the burning building”. Some however, are completely off-the-wall and have you batting soldiers falling from a helicopter or playing golf with an oil pump and a huge ball of steel. You’re ranked on the sub-missions, and getting gold on the better part of them is really friggin’ hard.

I think the thing that really ties the game together and takes it from good to great, is the freedom is gives you. You’ve all played on iteration of GTA or another, and I can’t help but feel that all of these games feel stuffy and that the controls don’t really flow. Hulk, however, has a very natural feel to it, and once you get down the controls, it’s a very nice feeling you get when you realize you didn’t even have to thing about that insanely complex string of jumps or beatdowns you just launched. It has the same feeling of freedom that Super Mario 64 had, where you feel almost completely unrestrained, allowed to do whatever you please. That’s precisely the reason why Super Mario 64 is my favourite game of all-time, and that’s why I treasure Hulk: Ultimate Destruction as much as I do.

~ #7 ~

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time

I made fun of Metal Gear Solid 3 a few paragraphs back for being silly, so why on earth does Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time rank so highly on my list? Simple: Mario & Luigi is based around silliness. The first game, Superstar Saga, set a good rhythm of intuitive gameplay and hilarious dialogue, and Partners in Time is in perfect step with it’s older brother.

The best part of the Mario & Luigi series thus far is the story aspect. And I’m not just talking about plot here. The dialogue is written with more than a pinch of humour, the characters are all extremely lively and often outrageous, and yeah, even the plot is pretty good. While in most RPGs, you’ll spend a lot of time fooling around and making sure you don’t miss anything, in Partners in Time you’ll be heading pretty much straightforward the whole time. Yes, you might go back to play some mini-games over or level a bit (it’s not that necessary), but most of the time you’ll just be moving forward. While it’s somewhat due to the fact that you’ll always want to see what’s going to happen next, I have to admit that the game is pretty linear. There are no sidequests to speak of, which is sad, and no bonuses after you beat the final boss, but chances are that you’ll be having so much fun you won’t miss those things.

The gameplay itself is unique to the series (and in a way, to the entire line of Mario RPGs), in that battles take both real-time and turn-based elements. In this game, you have play not only as Mario and Luigi, but the baby-sized bros as well. This situation has you playing as four characters at once, with each bro assigned to his own face button. Luckily, the only time you have to use all four buttons in tandem in four-bro battles, and this can lead to some hairy situations if you haven’t memorized your buttons. A lot of the time, the pairs will split up and do their own thing, and then you only have to look after two bros at once. Action commands liven up the battles, helping you max out your damage potential and avoid enemy attacks entirely, sometimes ever scoring a counterattack. While the action commands in the Paper Mario games would only serve to ease battles a little bit, in the Mario & Luigi games, if you’re really good, you could probably finish the game without getting hit once.

All in all, the game is as good or slightly better than the first. While the battling can sometimes get overly complex, it’s always fun and keeps you interested and involved, unlike traditional RPGS. If you want some more details, go check out the (very) short review in the 2005 Christmas article.

~ #6 ~

We <3 Katamari

What? What’s not fun about rolling a ball? Balls are like the first things we play with as babies, and even as we grow up, they still play a big roll (punny!) in our lives (at least for those of us who aren’t afraid of sports). So why not make a game that’s key feature is that you get to roll around a ball? Namco took up the challenge, and after the super-niche hit Katamari Damacy took the world by storm, what else could they do but appease the fans and roll out the Katamari for another go?

Katamari Damacy was the main reason I purchased my PS2. Yeah. That’s right, I got it mostly for a single game. A game I hadn’t even played at the time. Call me what you will, but it was money well spent. For hours I rolled around that katamari, and never yearned for more. The game didn’t offer a ton of gameplay outside rolling up as much crap as you could, but it was good enough. Like how people could play Space Invaders or Pac-Man obsessively. But Namco decided that we were worth it, and they put their best minds to the test and released We <3 Katamari sometime in mid-2005. What I got, I never would have expected. The game had been expanded with so many new stages, challenges, features, objects, and playable characters. They even managed to build in a cooperative mode that puts two people at the reins of a single Katamari.

The object of the game is to appeal to the fans of the King of All Cosmos, and roll around your Katamari. No big difference, right? Well this time, it’s not just a challenge to get your Katamari as big as you can within a time limit. No, there are stages that have you collect so many objects, roll a Katamari as fast as you can, keep a fire burning, and even one stage where you have to build a snowman. The wealth of new challenges is very pleasing, and it only gets better. In the first game, you could roll up presents for your character to wear, and cousins to be used in Battle mode. This time, there are a ton more of each, and the various characters can be used in single player as well (though they make no more than an aesthetic difference). Even the “select meadow”, the game’s hub of sorts, is fun to play around in. The only part that drags the game down is that Namco didn’t include any “eternal” stages, so you’re always working on a time limit. While I do miss them, it’s safe to say the game is of no lesser value because they’re gone.

What else do I need to say to get you to play this game? Do I need to tell you that it’ll fellate you as you play? Because I’m ready to tell you whatever you need to hear. If there’s one game you need to play on this list, it’s We <3 Katamari. The quirky graphics, abundant humour, and stellar yet simple gameplay are more than a match for you, so I want you to give this one a shot. I can’t guarantee you’ll love it like I do, but the odds of having fun are stacked heavily in your favour.

~ #5 ~

MegaMan Zero 4

I’m probably going to include the newest MegaMan Zero game somewhere on every future list like this, as long as they keep up the excellent trend. While MegaMan games usually peak in goodness around the second or third game, the Zero series gets better every time. And in leaps and bounds to boot.

MegaMan Zero had the core gamplay down. It was full of action, and was one of the few games of its day that could give you a real headache. Zero 2 didn’t add many features, but lengthened the game and pumped up the difficulty to near-impossible. Zero 3, which earned a spot on last year’s list, toned down the difficulty to a “gifted-human” level, added a handful of new features and tweaked some old ones to make them more user-friendly. The latest game, aptly titled MegaMan Zero 4, is again tweaking and adding whatever it can. Most notably, the tedium of earning and arranging Cyber-Elves is gone. You now have a single elf which you can level up and customize to give you whatever boost you might need. This game’s new weapon, the Z-Knuckle, lets you rip enemies apart and take their weapons for yourself. Some are offensive, some are devensive. Some have ammo limits, some you can blast away with forever. Some are guns, some fit in more with the club family. All in all, the Z-Knuckle provides you with a huge assortment of options and makes for a great addition to Zero’s personal weapons cache.

The upgrade chip system from the previous game returns, although this time you have to make the chips, not find them. You make these chips by picking of parts from defeated enemies and mashing them together. The only flaw here is that the game provides very few chip recipes, so you’ll have to figure out most of them by trial and error or a trip to GameFAQs. Another new feature is the weather changing system. Each stage can be affected by two types of weather, one is a little rougher and gives the boss an advantage, and the other will likely make your jaunt through the stage a lot easier. Obviously, you’ll need to play with the harder weather to get a good rank, but it also serves as the only way to procure the boss’ EX Skills, which is a lot easier than keeping up an A or S rank. Zero 4 also has its own share of unlockable mini-games, and the requirements for most of them are not nearly as obscenely difficult as those in Zero 3.

Overall, it’s a very satisfying game. There hasn’t been such a well-balanced MegaMan game since MegaMan X, and that one didn’t even have all the cool features that Zero 4 boasts. The downside is that… Hmmm… SPOILERS! (Sort of.) Highlight the text to read! The downside is that the ending really wraps everything up. And I mean really wraps everything up. Most of the events that play out near the end and during the final scenes point towards this being the last of the series, and that’s not cool. Though Capcom has pulled many stuns like this in the past (especially with MegaMan), so I doubt things are as grave as they want you to think.

~ #4 ~

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Honestly, I’m gonna come out and say it: This is the best Zelda game since A Link to the Past. It’s not that I didn’t like the games in between, but Ocarina of Time is way overhyped, and Majora’s Mask and The Wind Waker were still missing something. Link’s Awakening was my favourite Zelda game before this (though I think LttP is a better game on the whole. Professional and personal preference are two very different things), I never really got to play the Oracle games, and Four Swords is really in a category of its own. And even if you don’t agree that it’s the best Zelda game, it’s got no competition when you’re asking about the best GBA game ever.

Some people are complaining about the declining number of dungeons in Zelda games. But really, that number was never set in stone. The first game has nine, Link’s Adventure has six, LttP has at least 12, and Link’s Awakening has eight. There are about 11 in OoT, five or six in MM, and the Wind Waker is kind of ambiguous, because some things seem like dungeons, but half the population says no and half says yes. The Minish Cap tops in with five official dungeons, but that’s not really a big deal. The game in itself is huge, with a fully fleshed-out Hyrule to explore, as well as the many little bits that make up the Minish World. There are tons and tons of caves, grottoes, attics, and temples to explore, as well as a smaller world in the sky. The game itself is full of life, overflowing with personality and Zelda charm. Hyrule town is easily the liveliest and most colourful Zelda town ever, and there are characters spread out to even the furthest reaches of the land.

The graphics are a huge part of the game, as they’re unbelievably rich and detailed. Everywhere you go, you’ll be treated to beautiful scenery and extensively animated characters and enemies. The soundtrack is also worthy of note, being of uber-high quality and composed of new tunes and classic themes alike. I swear, this is the first Zelda game since the first to properly utilize the Legend of Zelda theme. The big cave in the graveyard also has a magnificent theme, though to tell the truth, I can’t remember what theme it is. Voices are strewn about pretty liberally, but never manage to get annoying. The difficulty of the game is maybe a bit lacking (it’s no Zelda 2), but it’s certainly not an easy quest to complete.

I’d love to ramble on some more about the Minish Cap, but I already did it once. Go back and check the January 2005 archive page. It’s got an even more long-winded spiel than I’ve put out here, so the inquisitive should definitely check that out. No bones about it, if you have a GBA/DS and you don’t own this game, you’re seriously depriving yourself.

~ #3 ~

Mario Kart DS

Mario Kart has always been the kart racing game that all the other kart racing games want to be. It’s easy to see why, too. Mario Kart has always had the two essential ingredients for a great game: fun and simplicity. Racing sims are way too hard for those of us who are no so hardcore, and we need something to satiate our needs for speed. Mario Kart does just the trick, as just about anyone can pick it up and get halfway good within a matter of minutes.

While the game itself is excellent, there is only one reason that Mario Kart DS got as high a ranking as it did: the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. You may think me a bit pompous when I say that Mario Kart DS is an extremely important game. For a company that went a good five years or so saying that online play is unimportant, Nintendo sure did build some massive hype over the launch of the Nintendo WFC. Not only were people buying into it, but that fact that Mario Kart, a universally loved game, would be the first Nintendo game to enter the good graces of online play. Of course, this went over huge, and the whole world is abuzz with Mario Kart fever. While there are a few limits on what you can do online, it’s still an excellent diversion from trying to find people to play with locally.

But the online play isn’t the only saving grace of Mario Kart DS. No, the single player experience is full of greatness, jam-packed with more features that your tiny little brain could imagine. Most notably is the fact that there are twice as many courses as Mario Kart usually presents. Sure, half of them are taken from the past games in the series (four each), but that still adds up to an amazing amount of racing. There are also missions this time around, some of them strange, some of them mind-bendingly difficult. To top that off, you’ve got actual bosses. That’s right. Diddy Kong Racing tried and failed, but Mario Kart DS has successfully mixed bosses into the kart racing world. Battle mode, while not available online, has been extended to include eight players rather than the normal four. This may not seem like a huge change, but the games are way more frantic when you’ve got eight people launching shells and bananas at once.

For the hard sell, look at it this way: I’m not a fan at all of racing games, but Mario Kart has always been so accessible that even a guy like me can really get into it. I’d say that Mario Kart DS is the DS game to own, but It’d be pretty redundant, as anyone in their right mind who owns a Nintendo DS has this game. Especially now that it comes bundled with the hot red DS.

~ #2 ~

Killer7

Killer7, how much do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I made a conscious decision when Killer7 was released that I wouldn’t buy it. To this day, I’ve kept that vow, but not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. I would trade all the half-baked Mario spin-offs and impulse buys in my GC library for this single game. Ever since I returned it to Blockbuster video, I wish I’d bought Killer7. I’m probably the last guy on Earth to know anything about love, but I’m pretty sure that when you think about something every day, there’s something pretty significant there.

Killer7 is easily one of the most off-the-wall games ever created. The story is deeper than the Grand Canyon, and intricate enough to confuse even the rocketingest of scientists. Many little bits of the plot are omitted, and the information they do give you is all out of order, so just understanding the story is challenge enough. Then they add a thick layer of highly stylized graphics on top and flesh it all out with some excellent audio, and you’ve definitely got the whole package. Oh, and did I mention that the gameplay rocks too? Yeah, it does. While the game places you on a rail, and only lets you travel backwards and forwards (and change direction at junctions of course), there is still a huge sense of exploration, as the stages are impressively large and contain a great many paths to travel. The core gameplay is shooting, and the fact that your enemies are naturally invisible just makes it that much more exhilarating. A quick scan will bring them into the visible realm, however, and then it’s just a quick draw competition to see if you can cap their weak points before they get to close and make your head a splode.

Killer7 Really has everything a great game needs. It presents fantastic production values, has a story solid enough to compare to Donny Darko, and is just a blast to play. Not to mention that it’s pretty tough, and gets insane on Hard mode. There are a couple unlockable modes too, if the regular game isn’t enough to quench your thirst for excellent gameplay. But there’s no way you’ll walk away from this one disappointed. If you do, you’re lame. And I really need to go pick this one up.

~ #1 ~

Resident Evil 4

Obvious? Yes. Deserving? Totally. If you didn’t see this one coming a mile away, you need to get your eyes checked. Resident Evil 4 brings so many upgrades to the series that it’s almost an entirely different game. You know what? Scratch that. It is an entirely different game.

The original Resident Evil might have been harder than adamantium, but it was a breath of fresh air for those of use who needed something a little different. Nearly every sequel improved on the formula, with the only exceptions being the Gun Survivor spin-offs (which sucked) and the online games (which I can’t judge, cause I haven’t played either). While other sequels and remakes made small improvements here and there, RE4 takes the idea and completely re-moulds it. Tying in only loosely with older games through a couple characters and some mention of previous events, RE4 literally takes you out of the Resident Evil world. No longer are you fighting for survival against zombies in Raccoon city. Now, you’re thrown into a rural European village, where the locals have been consumed by parasites and are out for blood. The static camera is gone, and now you can aim in more directions than straight, up and down. The inventory system is totally reinvented, letting you carry as many items as you can squeeze into your attache case, rather than having to try to get by with 6-8 item slots. Typewriters are still your saving tool, but item boxes are gone, and you’re no longer forced to find seven billion different keys. Bullets are more plentiful than ever now that enemies drop items, but you’ll still manage to run out now and then.

The game all comes together under what might be the best graphics ever and some seriously spooky tunes, and some top-tier voice work. There are plenty of things to keep you occupied should you become tired of the main game, and of course, there’s a hard mode that will have you ripping your hair out. The game was originally released exclusively for the GameCube, but due to it’s immense success (this game most definitely sold more than a few GameCubes), it’s recently been ported to the PS2. One might expect that on a technologically inferior console, Capcom would have had to make some concessions in the graphics department, but as far as I’ve heard it’s as pretty as ever and doesn’t even suffer from slowdown (like the PS2 Killer7 apparently does). Add on a handful of significant extras, and you’re set to impress.

There’s one thing that I have to get through before I finish. Sadly, the list became out-of-date even before I finished it. See, I had it written out to about number seven, and let it fall to the wayside for a couple weeks before I finished up. In that time, I was able to find and obtain Trauma Center, and I played a couple games that I definitely would have put on the list had it not already been decided, namely Prince of Persia: the Two Thrones and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. But alas, the list was intended for games I played in 2005, and those two didn’t come to my attention until 2006. Oh well. Also, it’s really hard to remember all the games I played over the course of the year, so I’m sure there’s at least one deserving title I forgot.

And speaking of deserving titles, some that come immediately to mind include: Jump Superstars (DS), Metal Gear Solid 3 (PS2), Meteos (DS), Kirby Canvas Curse (DS), and shadow of the Colossus (PS2). While many skeptics thought it would die off quickly and made fun of its “small” launch lineup, the DS has had an absolutely mind-blowing year, pumping out all sorts of great games. And with my acquisition of my own PS2, I’ve certainly been exposed to many more games that I would have if I’d stuck it out with only my Nintendos by my side. The more the merrier, you know?

I feel kind of bad that there wasn’t a little more variety on the list, but that’s kind of what you get for playing mostly the same kinds of games, I guess. you’re thinking it, but you should know that I didn’t rate the games on fanboyism alone. No. If that had been the case, there would have been a lot more Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare on it. I picked my games based on either how much time I spent with them, and how much I want to play them when I’m doing something else. Heck, on that latter note alone, Killer7 should have taken first, but I’ve gotta be fair. Seriously. I think about Killer7 and how much I love it all the time. I really should have bought it… In any case, I’ll be keeping a list of games that I play in 2006 so that I’ll have an easier time coming up with the ten best when December rolls around.

Holiday Viva Puffs! The Xmas Season Starts Now!

Another year has come and gone. And it went rather quickly at that. I mean, the site is going to be three years old soon, and it seems like just yesterday I was getting excited about making it to two. Of course, this is not the only reason that I’m particularly infatuated with the month of December. Clearly, the thing that’s currently on the minds of the masses at this time of year are the holidays. Be it Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever the Hell else that goes on at this time of year, people all over are feeling a little more festive, and everything starts to reflect that.

Supermarkets are no exception to the festivization that December brings, much like when Halloween rolls around in October, everything gets new boxes to reflect the season. While PC groups wouldn’t dare admit it, the world – or North America at least – starts colouring everything Christmas. Red and green start to appear everywhere, and products will take on shapes of trees, snowmen, and Santa. Everything comestible is either dyed or wrapped up to match the colours of Christmas, and today, I will take my first step into the holiday madness.

What better place to start than cookies? I love cookies, you love cookies, everyone loves cookies. And if I get wind that someone doesn’t like cookies, let’s just say they’d better watch their back. Nobody’s gonna make my broad statements false.

For the sake of accuracy, I’ve never really thought of Viva Puffs as cookies. They hardly fit the bill, but what else could they really qualify as? I guess if anything they’d fall under the s’more umbrella, though it would seem that s’mores are also sometimes referred to as cookies. I’m going to have to look into the cookie family tree to resolve this issue, but that’s going to have to wait, because I have to type a bunch of words about these cookies right now. Mmmm… Cookie tree…

I like to think that I’ve driven the point home that this article is holiday themed by now, but, you know, just in case you missed it.

It’s kinda funny, that without this little banner the Puffs really wouldn’t officially be holiday themed. Aside from the fact that candy canes are to Christmas like painted eggs are to Easter, there’s nothing on the box that really denotes a holiday theme. People celebrate Christmas and the like in plenty of places that may have never even heard of snow, and there are lots of things with green boxes that aren’t “holiday editions.” Oh well.

If you know Viva Puffs, you know that they’re already pushing the envelope of how many elements you can mix into a single cookie. Not only is it a marshmallow coated in chocolate, but it’s also got a crumbly cookie-esque base and that red goop in the middle. Like I said, it’s already a very complicated snack, but they’ve decided to take it yet another step and add a fifth part to the mix by injecting it with minty goodness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for stuff tasting like candy cane, but that’s a lot of very different flavours to take in at once. I know I was going somewhere with this, but I’ve forgotten entirely, so let’s take a look at hot skiing girl.

Upon closer inspection, I think my statement was pretty accurate. She’s got no rack at all, but that can be overlooked because for some reason winter wear is inexplicably attractive. You may think to yourself that I’m nuts for saying that piling on more clothes is a good thing, but you know in your heart that it’s true. I know it. You know it. Hef knows it. I’m just wondering about those boots. Sure, it might just be the ski boots, but those are some mighty big clodhoppers. You know, I think I may have seen her Italian cousin the other day.

But I must digress. As much as I like judging cartoon girls, there’s cookie to be investigated. The back of the box boldly claims that Viva Puffs are “THE cookie with attitude.” That’s bogus on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start.

Firstly, the Viva Puff is not nearly good enough to deserve both capitalization and bold. It’s barely even good enough for one or the other, but using both is just ludicrous. Don’t get me wrong here though. I love the Viva Puffs, but there are so many other cookies that I would choose first. Namely the scrumptious offerings of a certain Dad. Secondly, Viva Puffs have no attitude. They’re actually quite tame. Sure, they have more flavours packed into a single cookie than most three-course meals, but none of those flavours really gets you thinking “Wow! I really need to eat more of these! They’re delicious!”

The box continues to make wild claims of the wickedness of the cookies and how they pop when you bite them. Now, I’m fairly certain that the writers don’t actually mean that it pops when you bite it, but let’s assume they do. Viva Puffs do not pop. Maybe if you were to put them in a microwave or something, which would probably just end up making it bubble up and make a huge mess, but the point stands that biting a Puff will not make it pop. That would be cool, and highly dangerous. Chocolate shrapnel is one of the leading causes of death in North America, you know.

Near the bottom of the box, they go on to promote the other offshoots of the Viva Puff line. Let’s face it, the goo in the middle is all that separates one Puff from another, and it’s not the tastiest stuff in the cookie. I’ll go on record as saying that the raspberry and strawberry types probably taste identical, whilst the fieldberry would just add some sort of sickly blue to the mix. The fudge Puffs would no doubt be the best, and I have an irrational hatred of any caramel that isn’t in a chocolate bar.

You may also notice the banner that asks you how you eat your Puffs. It implies that the website might care about this information, but I’ve been there, and it most certainly does not. I did, however, learn that Dare has a nut-free policy. Go Dare! Nuts only serve to make cookies and other baked goods gross and inedible!

Now we get to the real high point of the box. This little area challenges you to eat the Puffs in many different ways. And when text goes in a half-circle like that one there, you know that you just can’t walk away. It would insult your masculinity to walk away, and if you’re a chick, I’m pretty sure the box is calling you fat. Are you gonna take that? I didn’t think so. It’s time to crack out the puffs.

Ah, there she is. Our first victim. It’s sad that the Puff, like any product that consists of a marshmallow coated in chocolate, is consistently cracked. I would have thought the Puff was better than that, but I guess there is no coating that can survive the terribly difficult trial that is sitting in the cookie aisle.

Now, the box has presented me with four challenges. It says that I should be able to peel, smash, bite and twist these Puffs, and while I shall do it all without remorse, there is a chance that there is going to be some prejudice. Possibly of the extreme variety.

The first challenge I accepted was to peel a Puff. No problem, I’ve seen lots of things get skinned thanks to my vast experience with the internet and movies. Little did I know that the Puff’s chocolatey shell was much different than flesh, and it did its best to stick to the marshmallowy mantle. The fissure down the middle of the shell did help in the matter, as it gave me a good place to start picking at.

In the end, while it was a messy and far from complete operation, I think I made my point pretty well. The next Puffs will surely turn tail once they’ve seen what I’ve done to their comrade.

I weighed the rest of my options pretty carefully, and I chose to take the biting challenge next. Not only would it be the easiest of the four, but it would also prove to be the least messy. Indeed, after a mighty chomp, there were very few crumbs to be seen, and I was left with a pretty cross-section of the Puff. Well, maybe it’s not so pretty, but it surely wasn’t as mutilated as the Puffs which I smashed and twisted turned out to be. I also quite like the green dye in the marshmallow of the Puff. It’s kind of soothing, in a green sort of way.

The next Puff in line was destined for a fate worse than… No, wait, this was pretty much death. The Puff didn’t even see it coming. My fist smashed down on the poor little thing like the big boot on the purple grape. Actually, it was a lot harder than that. And only once.

In all fairness, I have to say that I’m surprised at how well the little guy held up under the circumstances. I guess I shouldn’t be, because it’s essentially made of fluff, which is essentially invincible, but I have to say that I did expect bits to go, well, flying. Essentially.

The last Puff was easily the worst off of the quartet. This one had to suffer through the agony of being twisted. Truth be told, I had no idea how to go about doing this at first. Twisting a dome-shaped object is not something that one normally does, so I had to think about it for a bit. I wasn’t sure whether holding the top and bottom and twisting would be for the best, or if I should hold it at opposite sides and give ‘er. It was a tough decision, and I had already eaten like half the box, so I couldn’t afford any more Puffs and went with the lengthwise twist.

I have to say though, that the twisting did end up with the messiest result. The poor Puff was in shambles, bits of chocolate and cookie strewn every which way, and gooey core spilling out everywhere. I would not wish this fate upon even the worst of my enemies. Well, okay, maybe the worst. What can I say? He’s one-upped me too many times for me to show any mercy. But that’s a whole different story. Let’s just say that I wouldn’t wish the twisty fate upon even my second-to-worst enemy.

Technically, I’m not here to review the Viva Puffs. I just wanted to poke fun at the box and mutilate some cookies. But it’s probably a good way to go out. So the holiday Puff is easily the best Viva Puff ever released. The addition of the minty flavour makes it delicious. As I said before, I love when they add “candy cane” flavour to anything. I spend lots of time during the Xmas season plotting ways to thieve candy canes off of our tree. Last year I managed to get a whole bunch of the stripey treats, and my stash lasted me well into February. And uh, Viva Puffs are funny.

The Super Article – Triple Surprise Bags!

It’s here, everyone! The “Super-Article” I’ve been teasing you about is finally upon us! And it’s not so super after all! Ha ha! You’ve all been duped and I am a genius. Hey, why don’t we just forget about all my attempted hype and get to the article. Yeah, it’s about surprise bags. You all love them, so here’s a really big article about them with big pictures, some package scans, and even a video. This is gonna be the best article ever!

The surprise bags are getting to be sort of a mainstay on the ol’ site, and I’m thinking that they’re gonna be sticking around for quite some time to come. I mean, they’re easy to review, and there’s always a cornucopia of interesting stuff inside ’em. Movies are tougher to review (at least for me) and video games usually end up being way too similar to one another, so surprise bags are a good alternative.

The only problem is reviewing the same kind of surprise bag. See, the first time you do one, you’ve got the bag and stuff to review as well as the contents, but the second time, you’ve gotta skip the bag or paraphrase what you said last time. Course, you could always think up new stuff to say, but that’s aside from my point. It’s time to bust out a new type of surprise bag. We’ve seen the legendary Nintendo Surprise and Dick Turtle has spawned two articles, now you will tremble in fear as I introduce the Surprise Sac Bag!!

Yeah, I know. It’s really just Surprise Bag. But some fools out there who don’t know French might be confused into thinking that it’s actually called a Sac Bag. Though really, “sac” should have a “k” at the end, but I’m just reaching now. And it’s only been three and a half paragraphs so far. So now that I’m off to a terrible start, let’s take a look at some package scans! The most logical place to start would be the front of the bag. So there it is. Time to do some reviewin’.

Well, this one’s got a clown on it. Not quite as cool as Nintendo characters, and not nearly as inconsistent as Dick Turtle, but he certainly fits the bill. I think. I mean, clowns are known for entertaining kids, and the bag is for kids and stuff. So it works out. It also makes sure we know that the bag contains toys and candy by having it printed on the bag a thousand times. There are even a several spinning tops pictured on the bag, so I’m hoping that I get me a spinnin’ top. I love them tops. But I don’t love TopMan. Particularly TopMan.EXE. Stupid old geezer.

The back of the bag is just as eventless as the front, and maybe even a bit less entertaining. Among the few bits of information we can glean from the back, we noticed that this particular line of surprise bags is produced in Quebec. Later on, you’ll find that the origin of the contents of the bag might be a little more… overseas. Anywho, the back also sports ingredient lists (which would help show that the edible contents are standardized) and a Nutrition Facts box. There is no nutrition in candy, so it’s really just showing how much sugar is in the stuff. Yeah. Asinine, I know. But it’s standard protocol, I guess.

But enough of that crap. There’s nothing on the back to talk about. So let’s see what’s inside this baby.

Notice immediately the lack of spinning top. I am both disappointed and filled with rage. But there is quite a bit of interesting looking crap there, so we’ll take a closer look and find out just what’s going down. That big red bubble thing is just calling out to me.

First up we’ve got a buncha candies. The package says that they’re called “Chik”. Stange name for a candy. A little too strange if you ask me. They seem to be produced by a company called Gomy, but this Gomy is an elusive fellow. I searched and searched, but the best I could come up with is this. Elusive indeed. Perhaps they should rather be called… um… I don’t know. But to get back to the candy, the Chiks are actually gum rather than candy. They’re not too bad, and have a surprising longevity as far as retaining flavour goes. The downside being that not only do they resemble cinderblocks in shape, but also in toughness. My teeth would have probably been better off if I were chewing on a brick.

Wow. Just looking at it makes me think of the good times. I don’t know why, though, because this round lump of plastic is like the biggest mystery I’ve never solved. It’s got a ring stuck into one end, so I’m guessing that it’s supposed to go on your finger or something. But that’s about as far as I get. It might be some kind of very low-budget water squirting device, but it doesn’t lend itself very well to being squashed. Hell, it could even be part of some group of objects that were split up and placed in random surprise bags to be spread around the world and then collected and assembled to grant you a wish or something. No, wait. That’s a Dragon Ball. Damn. So much for my lead.

If you have any idea whatsoever of what this doodad might be, I urge you to send me any information you might have. Not knowing what this thing is will plague me until the end of time! I request your aid for the greater good! Or something like that. Until then, I’ll just go around sporting a bulbous hunk of plastic on my finger in hopes that some passerby will be able to identify it for me.

These, my friends, are Gestitos. While it sounds similar, they are not in fact tiny burritos. Rest assured, the world weeps right along with you. What they are is… well, foreign hard candy. While I can’t find anything at all about the candy, according to a Google search, “Gestito” seems to be some sort of Spanish slang. And Urban Dictionary didn’t help much either (not that I truly believed it would), but I do love to get in a good man nap every once in a while.

To summarize, the Gestitos are pretty good. I ate an orange one. I didn’t even open the others to see if there are different flavours. Why? Well, there’s a chance that these are infected with many different diseases, what with coming from a Spanish country and all (Would you consider that racist?), and I’m only taking as much for the team as I have to so that I can file a decent report, not even a tiny bit more. That means I’m only going to ingest one piece of any types of candy that are contained within the confines of a surprise bag. Except Nintendo surprise. Nintendo doesn’t have a reputation for spreading foodborne illnesses. Yet.

OOH! A lion! And it’s one of those rare white lions to boot! Look at that display of majesty and his king-of-the-jungleness as he stalks his prey of stray hairs and Dorito crumbs. I should probably vacuum my floor every once in a decade. Well then. Maybe the white lion isn’t as impressive as I thought it to be. Or as rare.

Chupa Chups. Nummy nummy. Chupa Chups. Some people are freaks.

I was a little disappointed at the false rarity of the white lion, but here’s a rare beast for the aaaages. Entei! King of Fire! But alas, Entei is most certainly not Pokémon number 93. This I know because I am a loo-hoo-hooser. Also known as “grown man who likes Pokémon”. Meh. I’m not the only one.

The Entei disc-thing is a little curious not only in it’s numerical error, but also because while it touts that it was made in the U.S.A. I have a really hard time believing that claim. Do you want to know why? Well, I’ll tell you a bit later once we get some more evidence rounded up. As they say, “gotta catch ’em all”. It makes sense in my head.

And so concludes this surprise bag. Ah, but wait, I promised a Super Article with bigger pictures, scans, and a video? Well I most certainly delivered on the bigger pictures bit, and did a half-assed job of scanning stuff, but I guess you caught me on the video bit. You could have also gotten me by noting that the length is hardly even fit for a sidekick, nevermind a full-fledged Super Article. Well, if you think it’s really over, I’ve got a surprise for you. That is, if you didn’t already just scroll through the whole page looking at the pictures. You cheater. I oughta have you banned. But nay, you shall get what I deserve, and have to read about…

Two more Surprise Sac Bags! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! The look on your face is most delicious! Soon you will be consumed by the monstrous monstrosity that is the rest of this article! Prepare for DOOM, infidels! DOOOOOOOM! Hey, I warned you in the title. You signed the proverbial waiver.

So I noticed something interesting on the back of the packages. Check this out.

A HAH! I knew it. Those dirty Mexicans (literally, I have nothing against them except for the filth, really) are behind this, and only using Quebec as a front! And I bet those damn separatists are happy to help the Mexicans peddle this shit (n. Things; items.). This also further proves that the Entei disc was not made in the U.S.A. as it would like to have us believe. And there will be more, my friends. More and more and more and more. And then maybe even some more. But that would be the end of it there.

The second Sac Bag didn’t yield any more spinning top than the first, so I’m putting all my chips on lucky number three. Or third time’s a charm. What?

Yeah, not too much new in this bag, so it’s gonna seem like familiar territory for at least a while. Just keep your limbs and head in the vehicle at all times and try not to vomit on your seating partner.

What a surprise. More Gomy Chiks. but it seems that these ones are of a different race. The last ones were red, and these yellow. But what’s that in the background by that mostly empty CD rack? A purple Chik? This is astonishing, and a very interesting development in what we know about the social lives of Gomy Chiks. It would appear that Chiks will only hang out with those of their own colour. This closely resembles the social habits of the marshmallow Peep, which will only very seldom, almost never even, be seen with Peeps of a different colour. Too many links makes Ryan’s article look boring and too full of links.

Chupa chupa chupa chupa. Chu chu chu? Chupa chupa Chup! Chupaaa… >:(

Cuadri Gum. Of all the things I’ve seen and am going to see, I’m pretty sure this one is going to be the one that is the most essential to Google. And after said Googling, I found one single result. And I’m pretty sure that page wasn’t written with sanity in mind. However, this was using quotations, so I probably could have found more, but we’ll say that the internet doesn’t recognize the existence of Cuadri Gum. Honestly, I got results for gum, and Cuadri, but none for both. I don’t want to eat the Cuadri. Don’t make me eat the Cuadri. Please?

For the sake of good fake journalism, I’m gonna bite the bullet here. After five minutes of trying to separate the wrapper from the gum, I was horrified to find that it was already well moistened. Light was literally gleaning off the wet bits, and I was totally not prepared to put it into my mouth. Hell, touching it scared me enough. But every good captain goes down with his ship, and while that has no relevance to this situation, it’s an honourable gesture. So the gum was gross. At first it tasted like normal, but then it grew more and more vomit-inducing. Here’s a tip. If you ever come across Cuadri Gum, take it to the nearest church, have it exorcised, and then shoot it repeatedly with a bazooka. I swear that this stuff was not made in Mexico, but in Hell itself.

Oh come on! Screw you guys, I’m no eating this one. Though the word “caramelo” did at first trick me into thinking that it may have originated from Italy, I quickly reaffirmed that “caramelo” is Spanish for caramel. I’m not a big fan of caramels anyway. Especially not the suave ones. That’s just what I need, freaking caramels that are better with the ladies than me. Wait… Forget that last one. I’m excellent with the ladies. In fact I have plenty of ladies right here right now. They’re all fighting over me and other things that ladies do. You know. Things.

Oh ho ho. Here’s an interesting one. Since my ability to take pictures ranks up there with my ability to create matter, I scanned the package for all to see. A Google search for Sobre Sorpresa didn’t bring up much, but I did find some Indian graficas. You know. Like tomahawks and teepees and shit. But that’s not important. the tatuajes are where it’s at!

According to the package there, you can look for 60 designs! ¡Colecciònalos! It also describes that it should contain one normal tatuaje, one holographic tatuaje, and a dulce. Whatever a dulce is. Sorry, my Spanish is a bit rusty. Upon closer translation, a dulce is a candy. Unfortunately, this package of things did not contain a candy. I’m thinking there are two possibilities. Firstly, the candy could have fallen out and gotten mixed with the rest of the Surprise Sac Bag stuff (I’m thinking the caramelo). That’s not likely at all though, so I came up with the second possibility: it never contained a dulce at all! Bastardos! Hey… Upon closer inspection, the Sac Bag package itself shows that dulce is Spanish for candy. Damn, missed that easy one.

I bet you wanna see the tattoos, don’t you? No, you really don’t. Trust me.

OK, Entei was only off by the number, but why do they call Togetic “Togechikku”? Because it’s his Japanese name, that’s why! < /obvious > So the Togetic disc’s got two strikes against it. Not only is the number wrong, but they used his Japanese name, and no Mexicans would bother doing that. No normal Americans would either. There’s only one breed of freaks who would. Anime purists. Those fetid scum who refuse to use any American names or stuff when it comes to anime. Sure, a lot of the American versions of stuff gets butchered pretty badly so I can let most of it slip by, but if you’re using the Japanese names for Pokémon and you don’t live in Japan or speak Japanese exclusively, you’ve likely got some issues and are probably gross and addicted to Pocky.

Yo, …yo. Like a Transformer, there’s more than meets the eye here.

Aww, isn’t that cute, a Marril that’s missing an “R” and a grossly deformed Pikachu. Yeah. I thought the Pokémon discs would end too, but now we’ve got a whole litter of the things. But since you can’t see how terribly fudged up the Pikachu disc it, I had to extract it from the craptastic Yo-yo. Here’s the scan. Notice how this one is spelled oddly as well? Yeah, something’s up. These discs must be horrible bootlegs, or made in Japan and then just stamped with “Made in U.S.A.” to make people who buy them feel more patriotic or some bull like that. Either way, I’m disappointed in Pikachu for scaring the crap out of poor little Togepi like that. All he can do to retaliate is Metronome. Goddamned almost always useless Metronome.

Finally we reach the final bag. It’s got a lot more interesting stuff than the previous bag, but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up typing a couple one-sentencers in for this one too. I guess we’ll see. Yup. Almost done. I’m actually as relieved as I imagine you must be. I foolishly rushed this article, and now it’s making me want to half-ass all the way from here to the end. But I’ll give it a shot, see how far I get, you know the drill. But at the moment, it’s dinnertime, so maybe you should go get a snack to see you down the home stretch.

Lookit that, it’s a hodgepodge of candy we’ve found in the other bags. It seems that while the Chiks don’t associate with other colours of their own kind, they get along quite well with other candies. Or some bullshit like that. I’m sorry, I’m bored. I can’t write about the same kinds of candies over and over.

What’s this? What’s this? A Toy Pop sits right there. What’s this? What’s this? It gives me a right good scare. I see the word “caramelo” on the package and I decide against opening it. Plus, it promises no actual toy, it’s just called a Toy Pop. Mostly, though, I don’t savour the idea of a caramel-flavoured lollipop. Then again, the package also mentions that it’s raspberry flavoured. Raspberry caramel. Yum yum. I’m-a gonna pass this one up, if you don’t mind. You can have it if you send me any amount of money (at least 6 cents) via Paypal. (Local only. I’m not shipping this thing should I have some unknown foreigner reading my site.) My E-Mail’s at the bottom if you need it.

It’s a tiny plastic comb. What do you expect?

The final Pokémon disc is upon us. Look upon it, with all its majesty and roundness, and fall to your knees in awe. Or fall off your chair in awe, whichever is more applicable for your current situation. So Mew looks like he just pulled a pretty good prank. All sneaky-like, trying to hide his laughter. I still won’t believe that these things are made in U.S.A. until someone flies me down to the plant.

Lastly, but oddly enough, not leastly, we have the Magi-Ojitos. Or if you prefer, the Magic Eyes. On the upside, these are not in fact strange pictures that hide a secret that only witches can see, but rather some googly eyes that you can put on your fingers to… stuff with… and things. Ah, the back of the package has some ideas for things to do with the googly eyes. This bag promises candy as well, but again, does not deliver. It was open, so maybe it just fell out, but I’ll assume the worst.

Well that was a surprise. I didn’t think I’d have to put the Magi-Ojitos together. Oh well, there could be worse things that it could make me do… Woah! Take a look at this! It’s the uncommonly seen North American Elephand! Such a majestic creature, it’s just too bad he spotted us. I’d have liked to get a closer look at the beast. Possibly stick my thumb up his bumhole. Someday I’ll find another of these beautiful animals, but at least for now I’ve got video evidence! And you’re pissed off about how much I hyped up that video, and how much of a cop-out it was. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I win!

Yep. that’s the end of it all. You’ve seen all of the crap I promised, my friends. I gave you bigger pictures, package scans, and a video, even if it was the worst video ever recorded. Plus it’s a decently long article to boot, so as long as you weren’t expecting entertainment, you don’t have anything to complain about. It wasn’t very super, no, but that was all part of my plan to piss you off. Now if only I really had hyped it up. I mean, a single graphic isn’t quite enough to build up a good hype for something. Especially when it’s likely to be a video game review.

That actually wasn’t so bad. I was thinking that maybe I would explode before I was finished with this one. Which is too bad… I wanted to explode… There’s nothing more to say really. Nothing more than to tell you to go out and buy surprise bags! If nothing else, you can throw the things you find inside at people or just make fun of Mexicans for producing such shoddy products. I mean geez, those tatuajes could be a lot higher quality than they are. And the Magi-Ojitos are kinda crap too. But whatever. I like the lion, he’s got a place on my dresser. I’ve got nothing else. End.

Chicken Wings – Food of the Gods*

Chicken wings kick ass. I really can’t think of any other “side” food that’s more enjoyable. I mean, they’ve got so much going for them, and nothing against. Can you think of an appetizer-level food that’s better than chicken wings? Maybe, but I’m going to ignore any ideas. So it’s time I compiled a list** of why chicken wings are so awesome. Just so that I have some reason for actually writing about chicken wings.

1 – Everyone likes chicken. OK, maybe not everyone likes chicken (I myself only really indulge in the legs and wings), but the phrase “Tastes like chicken” is way too cliched for any less than 95% of the earth’s population to not like the stuff. Then there’s the vegetarians, but they don’t count because they lick ass. (But only the ones who think eating animals is wrong. If you just don’t like meat, I can’t really blame you.) This point sucks.

2 – They’re hot. Not all chicken wings are hot, but often enough, they’re at least jazzed up enough to scare off some pussies. And then there’s the bonus of many levels of hotness. You can have some simple BBQ wings, go for the Super Hot wings, or even search out the fabled Suicide Wings. I have an affinity for spicy food, so obviously, I love chicken wings for this trait.

3 – Finger food. Almost falling into my “messy” point (wait for it), this has a similar idea. Finger foods are way more fun than stuff you eat with utensils. Think about it. Would you rather scarf a burger, or waste precious time meticulously cutting a steak? While steak is great, I’d still probably choose the burger for it’s convenience.

4 – They’re manly. Feeling insecure about how manly you appear to others? Few foods will make you look as masculine during and after consumption. Don’t know what it is exactly, but chicken wings are a truly manly food, much like steak and potatoes. Salad and yogurt are prime examples of the least manly foods available.

5 – Eating contests. It could be a large scale competition, or just you out to prove your worth, but chicken wings are a common choice when it comes to an eating challenge. Not only are you proving you can eat like a glutton, but chances are you’re taking on the added feat of overcoming the hot sauce too. This will impress bystanders twofold, should you come away victorious.

6 – They’re messy. Messy foods are awesome, and are fun as well. You’re expected to get a little crap on you when you eat chicken wings. I’m a meticulously neat eater, so it’s great for me to be able to be a little messy while eating wings. People make a really big deal when I don’t eat really neatly, so the expected messiness that comes with chicken wings is a huge sigh of relief for me.

7 – Good anytime food. I can’t think of a bad time to eat chicken wings. Breakfast is a bit of a stretch, but if steak can be a breakfast food, so can wings. Not only that, but they’ll be a hit at pretty much any event. Birthdays, holidays, office parties, funerals, wedding receptions, and especially sporting events, but I’ll get into that a little more in-depth for my next point.

8 – Even better sports food. When you get together to watch sports with the guys, be it at home, the local tavern, or the arena/ballpark/what-have-you, chances are that you’ll be eating chicken wings and drinking beer. Perhaps it is this association that makes them so manly. But whether or not that’s the key, chicken wings are definitely a staple of the sports feedbag.

9 – The sauce. Chicken wings often come in some sort of container. This container will usually contain a good amount of the applied sauce one the wings are gone. Not only is the sauce delicious, but it also goes well with fries, onion rings, or whatever might come along with your wings.

10 – They’re tasty. Obviously the most important trait of a food. Luckily chicken wings excel here. While the sauce is what you’re going to be getting the most of, the chicken itself is usually pretty damn good too. This is, of course, assuming that the provider of the wings makes good wings. But I’ve not tasted a bad one yet, so the point stands.

So there you have it. Ten reasons why we should hail chicken wings as one of the greatest foods ever. I hope this incites you to go out and get some for yourself. Unless you’re a vegetarian. Then you should go get someone roughly twice your size to beat some sense into you.

*I’m totally not ripping off Mike. Mine is more thorough.

**The list isn’t in any particular order.

Kirby Canvas Curse

I’m not a big fan of the colour pink, being the manly man I am. Regardless of this fact, I am a huge fan of Kirby. The little pink fluffball’s games are always entertaining to play, even if a couple of them are way too short or easy. Heck, even his show isn’t too bad considering that it doesn’t feature nearly enough of the pink marshmallow and instead focuses mainly on the characters who’s names aren’t in the title. So if I hate pink so much, why is the page drenched in it?

Pretty stupid question, but it gives me some time to type in filler and think up some pertinent things to type. Firstly, it’s all pink because I’m reviewing a damned Kirby game. Secondly, pink goes really well with other pinks, so the rivers of rose flow very smoothly together. And on a side note, I’d like to direct your attention to the top of the page, where as you can see, I’ve changed the look a little. Works better with image-based backgrounds this way. And it looks a lot better overall too, but back to the review!

I’ll start by saying this: Kirby Canvas Curse is without a doubt the best Kirby game since Kirby Super Star back on the SNES. Yeah, that’s right. Anyone who might follow the exploits of the pink wonder would know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, KSS is the greatest Kirby game ever, and that title is suddenly being challenged. While Canvas Curse fails to topple the reigning king, it certainly comes close. Want to know why? Read on. If you don’t care, read on anyways. You know you’ve got nothing better to do.

Firstly, Kirby Canvas Curse is incredibly fun. And it’s very simple to boot. Making Kirby fly all over the place and screwing around with some of the different powers can be fun enough to while away the hours while not actually accomplishing anything. I find it very similar to Super Mario Sunshine in that I can just play around in the levels and never actually make any progress in the game. Games like this are rare and are easily my favourites.

The premise of the game is pretty standard-issue for Kirby games in that it’s simple and shallow, but does stray a bit from the usual “King DeDeDe/Dark Matter is out to cause trouble” routine. In this game, a new enemy appears to make life hard for our hero. As it goes, Kirby was just sitting around and then this witch came out of nowhere and turned the world into a painting. Kirby tries to stop her, but is quickly turned into a useless ball. The witch flutters away, leaving her magic paintbrush, which Kirby touches and somehow manages to send to you. Thus, you have the paintbrush (stylus) and can draw stuff all over the world. And then it’s off to fight the witch! No plot twists or anything. A perfect story for a Kirby game.

So you’ve got this “paintbrush”, and you’re in charge of helping Kirby save the world. How does this work? Easy. Kirby, as a ball, will just roll around on his own. Pretty useless. This is where you come in. Drawing on the touch screen will produce a rainbow that Kirby will follow and use to gain some speed. This is how you get him places. Need to get up a ledge? Draw a ramp. Need to cross a pit? Draw a bridge. And so forth. Tapping Kirby will make him to a dash attack, which is his primary defense against enemies. the second line of defense is you, as you can poke enemies to stun them so Kirby can finish them off without the aid of a touch-dash. And that’s the basics. You can also draw a loop to make Kirby dash and get a huge speed boost. Such a maneuver is rarely necessary, but fun to use nonetheless.

As always, Kirby can use his characteristic enemy copy ability to acquire the powers of his foes. Only now, he doesn’t have to ability to inhale them, so it only takes a body slam to steal powers. There are some really fun powers to play around with, like Wheel, Missile and the new Balloon power, but others like Spark and Stone can be more cumbersome than you might like. In the end, you will have to make use of every power to solve some tricky puzzles and find all the secret items, just like in previous games.

The game itself is about average length, being composed of seven worlds (each containing three levels) and the final boss level. wile you may be able to burn through the main game in three hours or less, depending on how quickly you pick up on the controls, that is simply an appetizer for all the crap there is to do in this game. And don’t get me wrong, the main game is plenty interesting on it’s own, and even offers a good amount of challenge, not usually seen in Kirby games, but there is so much beyond it that you might be surprised at how much there actually is to accomplish in the game.

First off, each level contains three hidden medals. Some are simply a little ways off the beaten path, perhaps hidden in an alcove near the top of the screen. Others might be behind a wall that con only be broken by a certain copy ability. Others yet might require you to go a long ways off your path and hit numerous switches, and solve some complex puzzles. And lastly, some are locked behind giant doors that can only be opened by hitting a switch later in the game (similar to the Switch Palaces of Super Mario World). Getting to all these medals is no easy task, and that’s still only about the half of it.

After you’ve finished to main game, you’re given the ability to unlock new character balls to play through as. While you don’t have to, completing the game with each of the four unlockable characters will net you even more medals, so it’s highly recommended. Not only that, but each new ball has it’s own play style. The Waddle Dee ball, for instance, is really bouncy and you have to adjust your style of play to incorporate its erratic springiness. The DeDeDe ball, on the other hand, is huge and slow. If nothing else, it provides a bit of an incentive to play through as all five characters.

I’m not even close to done here, so stay strapped in, fools. Once you manage to muddle your way through each world, you’ll unlock its Rainbow Run variant. Rainbow Run offers not one, but two new challenges for you. First, you get the standard Time Trial mode, in which you have to clear one room of each level in a certain amount of time. Then there’s the evil Line Trial, where your goal is to clear a different room from each level using only so much paint. While Time Trial only requires practice, Line Trial makes you perfect using only tiny ramps and has you trying endlessly to figure out where exactly to put those lines. Each trial mode has three “difficulty levels”, and will award you with medals based on your performance.

So what exactly are you gathering up all of these medals for? Later. I have to explain the boss modes! After you’ve cleared the last stage of each world, you get to challenge one of three bosses; Kracko, Paint Roller, Or King DeDeDe. Each boss presents a dramatically different challenge and has two difficulty levels. Kracko’s game if reminiscent of Kirby’s Block Ball in that you must bounce Kirby around a stage with a paddle, breaking blocks and defeating enemies until you finally face Kracko in a nube-a-melcocha battle. King DeDeDe will challenge you to a mine cart race which is very similar to the “Gourmet Race” mini-game featured in Kirby Super Star. Lastly, the Paint Roller’s challenge is a tough (due to oversensitivity) game of connect-the-dots that ends with a simple “tap the blinking panels” test of speed and accuracy. The boss games aren’t overly difficult during the story mode, but once you’ve beaten the Lv2 game, you can play it from the Sub-Game menu, where it gets really hard. Particularly the Paint Roller game. But doing well in these sub-games will earn you (you guessed it) medals, so they’re worth the effort.

And now that I’ve listed out all of the different ways of getting these coveted medals, I think I’m due for an explaination of why they’re so important to collect. You see, medals are essentially your currency for buying unlockables. That one was pretty obvious, but what they unlock might surprise you. Goods come in all shapes and sizes, from music for your sound test, to heart containers for Kirby to a couple of the character balls. There are even different paint schemes to change the colour of your rainbows (though they suck, the default rainbow is easily the best), and some unlockable ability challenge stages (which can be aced to earn even more medals). One really neat item will replace all the music in the game to the music from Kirby: Nightmare in Dreamland. Kind of a downgrade (the music in Canvas Curse rocks), but it’s a novel idea.

So how are the production values? Graphics, for starters, are excellent. While the amount of animation isn’t quite up to par with that of Kirby’s GBA adventures, it’s still quite fluid and reminds you of what masterpieces devoted artists can do with 2D graphics. The backgrounds are beautiful as well, and each different type of stage has its own style, from a black and white mechanical theme to pastel hillsides to a comic-inspired city, each level is extremely diverse as far as scenery goes. Just take a look at the screenshots.

The music for the game is just phenomenal. While it’s composed almost entirely of Nightmare in Dreamland remixes (which are, in turn, Kirby’s Adventure remixes), most of them are so different that you might not even notice it’s the same song until a single familiar bar plays. Some of them are just so out-there that they heavily incorporate sound effects, like cell-phone beeps and the like. Sound effects are pretty minimal and don’t have the traditional Nintendo fortune of voice clips (take that as you like), but they get the job done and are pretty convincing. I mean, you can’t really goof the sound of a lightning bolt or a tire burning rubber.

Duh. The gameplay rocks. Like I said, it’s fun enough to just mess around for hours. Add that and the enjoyable story mode, plus the almost-infuriating Time and Line Trials, and the mini-games, the four extra character balls, and the really neat final boss battle, and you’ve got quite a winner. It lacks multiplayer, but for such an excellent single-player experience, I’m willing to overlook that. The only real flaw in the game is trying to navigate Kirby underwater. You have to draw a line to keep him submerged, and while it might not sound so hard, it can be a real bitch when you’re trying to complete some of the Time Trials. That aside, everything is great about this game. If Kirby were a more popular franchise, Kirby Canvas Curse would sell DS units. Easily.

I know that there’s probably something I’ve forgotten to mention, but I don’t know… Oh yes. There are two things that bother me. There is absolutely no music on the title screen. Absolute silence. That and there’s no neat little interactive thing on said title screen. Super Mario 64 DS had the drawing thing, WarioWare: Touched! was full of things to poke and prod, and even Feel the Magic XY/XX lets you play with the mic. But nothing on the Canvas Curse. Oh well. Little issues aside, the game is an A++ fo shizzle. If you own a Nintendo DS, this is well worth your moneys. Even better, import the Japanese version and get a pink stylus! Nintendo totally owes me for not including it in the NA version…

Note: (it’s obvious, but for the sake of good jounalism) all pics stolen from Planet GameCube.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith DS

It’s been a long time coming, and almost three decades later, the Star Wars saga draws to a close. Well kind of, what with this one being in the middle of the story and all, but you know what I mean. While my plans to catch the first showing of Revenge of the Sith were foiled by… well, me, for never putting them into action, I will eventually see it. Heck, by the time you read this I may have already seen it. But that’s besides the point. My point, is that there are new Star Wars games, and they kick a lot of ass.

Make no mistake about it, I was a fan of Super Star Wars and its ilk (though I could never make it too far…), but they weren’t all too amazing, being just standard side-scrollers. The various flying games like the Rogue Squadron are all well and good, and then there are the various other Star Wars games that I’ve never played, which the public seems to have mixed feelings about. But nobody I’ve talked to (maybe about three people) has disliked their experience with the Revenge of the Sith games. Most (which includes all of: my brother), in fact, proclaiming their want to purchase the console version after a scant five minutes with the demo.

Yeah, the console version is pretty sweet. It’s got plenty of action and the ability to customize your Jedi’s abilities just the way you want them. But it’s one of those games that likes to use all the buttons, and after playing LEGO Star Wars, which is uber-simplified, it was a bit of a hassle. So no big deal normally, but I found myself constantly pressing the wrong buttons. So back to the task at hand, today I’m reviewing the Nintendo DS version of the game, which is essentially the GBA version with some awesome upgrades.

Firstly, and most importantly, this game is crafted really well. It is a pretty basic brawler, but with the additions of lightsabers and Force powers, it manages to mix things up just enough to avoid being a Double Dragon clone. Not to say that’s a bad thing… I love Double Dragon. Anyway, for most of the game, you will be moving right and beating up enemies to progress. Not a whole lot if you’re looking for variety, but it’s really good for what it is. Me myself, I prefer platformers to brawlers (they tend to be faster-paced), but RotS has captured my attention like… well, many others.

So anyway, the game follows the story of the movie pretty much down to the dialogue. There are only like one or two levels that aren’t somehow featured in the movie. Of course, I use this a little loosely, because Obi-Wan and Anakin didn’t spend much of their screen-time running down endless halls smashing endless numbers of Battle Droids, Clone Troopers and Jedi. You can probably understand what I’m trying to say here, but I just can’t fins the exact right words for it. Essentially, it follows the story perfectly. No “extended missions” like in the console version. Or at least very, very few of them.

The game starts off with a simple choice: selecting your language. Manage to get past that one, and you’ll be catapulted into a frenzy of Jedi action. Or something to that effect. The first real choice you’ll have to make is whether you want to play as Anakin or Obi-Wan. Each has his own style of play, dictated by simple attacks, Force powers, and super moves. They’re similar, but you’ll have to master the little facets of each character’s style to do well. After you pick your character, you pick either Padawn (easy) or Jedi (normal), and you’re on your way.

Next, the obligatory scrolling Star wars intro, and some cutscene, and then you get your map screen. Here, you can see your progress through the game. Once you’ve passed a stage, you can play it whenever you want to collect power-ups you may have missed the first time through, or just to have fun. also, you can check your clear percent on each stage so you know which ones you have to scour for power-ups. Also, you can choose to play against bosses you’ve defeated, because the boss fights are pretty fun, and somewhat intense.

Choosing Anakin will lead you down the path to the dark side of the Force, and playing as him can prove to be a challenge, if a little more fun. His story missions span General Grievous’ flagship to the streets of Coruscant to the Jedi Temple, and finally to his duel with Obi-Wan on Mustafar. The bosses on this path include Count Dooku, Mace Windu, and Jedi Master Cin Drallig and his padawan.

Anakin isn’t exactly easy to play as. He has more moves that leave him open to attack than Obi-Wan does, and that can get you turned into mincemeat in seconds. Being bound to the dark side, he cannot use the Force to heal himself, and therefore has to rely on pickups to replenish his life. This can make the game pretty tough, but in turn gives him more offensive powers. These include the ability to throw his lightsaber, choke enemies, and suck their life out to replenish his fury meter. And on that note, it’s time to look at this fury meter and what it does.

During normal stages, the bottom screen will display four boxes. Each one represents a special attack that your character can perform once his respective power gauge is full. While Anakin’s is referred to as the “Fury Meter” and Obi-wan’s in called the “Focus Meter”, they both work the exact same, and even the moves are similar. You start out with one super attack that will kill all on-screen enemies, but will deplete all your Fury/Focus, and will acquire one more move for each boss you defeat. Obviously, touching the panel will execute the move, but you can also input a button combination for each.

Anakin’s starting move is Vader’s Wrath, and like I said, eliminates all enemies that are on the screen. The next move learned is Plo Koon’s round, which will knock over enemies close by. Afterwards is Tyranus’ Uppercut, which will kill all enemies close in front of you. Finally comes Sidious’ Hate, which is similar to Vader’s Wrath, but won’t necessarily kill your foes, though it does use less fury (though not much less…).

Obi-Wan’s path is debatably easier, but also poses its share of challenges. While Obi-Wan has the power to heal himself as long as he’s got some Force left, his library of offensive moves is limited. While both Jedi can use the Force to push and pull enemies, Obi-Wan is left with no other offensive moves, having the abilities to stun enemies, move faster, and shield himself where Anakin could choke, throw his lightsaber, et cetera.

This isn’t a terrible problem, but it does make it a bit hard to score well. See, the game has three ways of giving you power-ups. Firstly, there are ten hidden green orbs in each stage. Sometimes enemies have them, sometimes they’re tucked away in the background. Then you can also get five points for speed. This is no problem. But the last ten points for each level are based on your Jedi style. The more Force powers and such you use will increase this bonus, and since you’ll be using mostly physical attacks with Obi-Wan, you’ll often ignore your somewhat useless force powers and have trouble getting a perfect score in this category. Or at least that’s a problem I have.

The quest to stop the Sith is a different one than that to further the influence of the dark side, obviously. Obi-Wan will trek through Grievous’s starship, search the tunnels of planet Utapau in search of the General, brave the clone-infested Jedi Temple, and finally confront his former padawan on the fiery surface of Mustafar. The bosses you’ll encounter on this path are comprised of Count Dooku, General Grievous, and two of the General’s bodyguards. Of course, the last mission in each story is a duel with the opposing character.

Obi-Wan’s focus moves are very similar, if not exactly the same as Anakin’s fury attacks. Obi-Wan’s Sense is your basic screen-clearer, though it is a lot more fun to watch than Vader’s Wrath. Yoda’s Teaching is the exact same spin attack that Anakin has, just going by a different name. The Knight’s Slam has the same effect as Ani’s uppercut, but varies aesthetically. And lastly, the Jedi’s Devotion will extend Force waves all over the place and knock over all your enemies. So yes, the moves are all the same, they just look a little different. On top of that, Obi-Wan’s focus will increase depending on how much force powers you use, and how much of the environment you break, while Anakin’s fury will increase when you do pretty much anything.

As I may have mentioned before, the boss battles, or duels if you will, in RotS are a lot of fun. They’re pretty simple when it comes down to it, but still plenty of fun, and are pretty intense as far as 2D brawlers go. And that’s a point of interest alone. Rather than the semi-3D stages you’d normally go through, you’re set on a strictly two-dimensional plane for boss duels. Your freedom of movement is restricted to moving toward your opponent, and slowly backing away. Imagine a 2D Soul Calibur. That’s what it’s like.

The fights are pretty easy, as the key to winning is observing your opponent’s moves and waiting for an opening in their attack pattern. They’ll either attack high or low, or a combination of both that could include up to eight or so blows, so you just have to learn to see which move they’re about to execute, and you should be fine. Jedi bosses will also use their Force powers against you, which can be promptly absorbed by holding your own Force button (which is R). As easy as they may be after a little practice, I still think that the duels are awesome. I’ve played the Grievous duel about ten times over because it’s just so enjoyable to play.

And that’s pretty much what you’ll get if you play either the GBA or DS versions of the game, minus the touch screen options, of course. There are a couple of big differences in the main games, however, besides this little one. Firstly, I hear that the music quality is like five billion times better on the DS, with the music being actual songs from the movie, as opposed to the GBA version’s crappy synth stuff. I’m ready to believe this one. Also, I hear that there are a couple extra cutscenes in the DS version. I think it a bit odd, but plausible. Can’t think of any off the top of my head that couldn’t have been done on the GBA, but I’m sure there’s something in there somewhere.

The biggest addition to the DS version of the game is easily the special missions. In between every few stages, you’re presented with a sweet 3D space flying level! most of the time, anyway. A couple of them are in the “streets” of Coruscant. These may not seem like huge additions on paper (or maybe they do, I guess it’s a subjective matter), but I find that they add a lot to the game. Not only do you get six extra missions to play, but you also get to hearken back to the days where you played Rogue Squadron for hours on end. Or maybe it’s just me again. Anyway, the flying is really well done, and it’s barrels of fun, plus once you’ve beaten the respective stage each is in, you can play it any time from the “special mission” menu.

The final difference between the two versions of the games is the multiplayer. If you plan to use these modes a lot, it probably wouldn’t be such a bad idea to buy both versions of the game, seeing as they’re so different. The GBA version offers a two-player cooperative mission mode, and a Last Jedi Standing mode, in which you and a friend fight against an endless stream of enemies until one of you falls. And then the DS version comes along and replaces those modes with… 3D space flying!

While it’s no co-op mode, the space flying… Aw, who am I trying to kid? The space flying kicks total ass! Especially for those of us who grew up playing Rebel Assault and got into the whole space flying thing early (even if Rebel Assault was mostly on rails, it was still space flying!). The only fault is that it’s only got a limited (you’re forced to play with a kill limit) deathmatch mode. Also, I’m pretty sure the DS could handle more than four players, but that’s sufficient enough, I guess. Everything else about it is awesome.

Firstly, there are eight arenas to play in. Two are in the skies of cities, with buildings and such to avoid. Four of them are placed in free-range (all arenas are free-range, but you know what I mean) space, and one of those arenas, I’m certain, is that nebula level from Rogue Leader where you have to defend the medical frigate. Or it might not be, but it sure bears a striking resemblance. And the last two are more surface maps, but on Tatooine and Hoth! Hooray!

The absolute best part of this mode is the selection of ships they present you with. there are a total of sixteen ships to choose from, and while some fun choices were excluded (Naboo Starfighter, V-Wing, 1969 Buick Electra), there are plenty of great ships to choose from, including several different Jedi Starfighters, the Slave I, a couple TIEs, an X-Wing, and the Millennium Falcon. You have to unlock a few of the really cool ones by beating the respective bots in skirmish mode, but it’s totally worth it. Ooh, ooh! And the explosions look absolutely excellent! They’re kinda like the explosions in Zelda: the Wind Waker in that they’re really cartoony, and they look a bit out of place as such, but I love them. Best effect ever. EVER.

Dun dun dun. Review time. Graphics in Revenge of the Sith are excellent. The main game’s graphics are pretty, but lack a little animation for some enemies. Main characters and boss characters are done well though. There’s plenty of colour and my only gripe is that every part of the environment busts the exact same way as the rest of it’s kind. They could have at least put two different “broken” images for each object. Flying mode is beautiful. The ships are a bit blocky, but it’s forgivable cause it’s no so bad. And the explosions make up for any other shortcomings I may have overlooked. So pretty…

Sound quality is nothing less than perfect, as the music is apparently taken straight from the movie. As I said before, I’m willing to believe that. It is of rather high quality. The sounds are great too, and nobody will have to guess what you’re playing when they hear a lightsaber swing or a blaster go off. Voice samples are very limited, but they’re got the Battle Droid “Roger roger”, so it’s all good.

The gameplay is excellent. The basic brawler premise may turn off a few (like me, until I heard it was really good), but the added Star Wars nuances like Force powers really help it to stand out in the crowd. The ability to develop your Jedi’s powers however you like is another added bonus, as you can customize the game to suit your playing style just a little more than most games allow. Beating the game will unlock a new hard mode, which is really is hard, so that will probably keep you coming back for a while. Also, the space flying gives it tons of replay value, even if you can only really play deathmatch. The hard bots are actually quite good and will give you a run for your money if you’re not playing at the top of your game. Not to mention that playing against or with other people will double your fun.

Overall, I’m more than satisfied with Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. It’s proven that you can make a really repetitive ~~game~~ genre fun, you just have to add some fun boss fights, and maybe some magic powers to top it off. I would very much recommend this to anyone looking to round out their DS library, or even to grab the GBA version if you’re one of those “I’m too good for two screens” types. Though the DS version does have at least two solid advantages going for it. Those advantages being the flying and the music, for those who couldn’t figure it out. Either way, I’m sure you’ll be satisfied. If nothing else, it’s a ton of fun to make Battle Droids explode with a wave of your hand. This one gets an A.

~Ryan

The Return of Dick Turtle

It’s again the time of year when the snow has vanished, and it’s time for the revival of outside-type activities. Well, for normal people anyhow. Me, I still just sit inside and play video games or type up crap like this. But in the spring and summertime, I often get the chance to sit inside and play video games out at the cottage. And if there’s anything better about going to the cottage than getting to play with the air rifle, it’s getting to browse the dollar stores in the local town. Oh yeah, it’s time for round two.

This year, I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t just a “find anything at all that stands out” affair like it’s been in years past. I knew that the “surprise bag” articles were among some of the top ranked that I’ve written, so I had a mission: find me as many of the damn things as I could. Sadly, as I said in last year’s Dick Turtle review, the places don’t restock stuff like this. The most likely cause is that these things went out of production seven hunred years ago. So unfortunately, I was only able to grab two of the Dick Turtle bags. There were no others, and I decided to leave one behind to see if anyone else ever bought these things. I guess I’ll find out next time I go.

On the pro side, if I were able to buy these things en masse, they’re only fifty cents a bag, so it’s not like it’s a big drain on my funds. Those name brand bags (which are crap as far as surprises go) can go for anywhere up to two bucks, so a cheap reject from the stupid age is like a blessing filled with several little curses (should you try to consume the contents).

Ah, the memories come flooding back. In case you missed the first one (which I’d like to doubt) here’s a link to that one. If you don’t want to read through it, or just want a little refresher, basically, this “Dick Turtle Surprise Bag” is a very old-looking plastic bag containing several assorted things. These can range from candy to toys to fake jewlery to mini-ninjas. God knows when these things were actually made, but the bags themselves look to be about five thousand years older than most of their contents. But age is of no consequence. It’s time to move on.

Ripping open the first bag, I found that it contained a much wider variety of crap than last year’s bag did. No, wait. It’s just a bunch of useless junk and bad candy again. Nevermind what I said. It contained essentially the same spread of stuff as my last DT bag did. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Starting off on the same foot as last time, we see that ol’ Dick is as inconsistent as ever. But at least he’s consistently inconsistent. I think. Anyhow, I’ll point out for nostaligia’s sake that the Dick Turtle on the card shown above is clearly not the same Dick Turtle that graces the front of the surprise bag. How the producers of this product managed to think that they’d get away with this travesty is beyond me, but they managed to pull it off. I guess. … OK, onto the next paragraph.

This time around, Dick tells us to avoid skating on frozen lakes or ponds. I can tell you from experience that whilst ponds and lakes may be dangerous, it is perfectly okay to skate on a frozen river. Just don’t walk around on it. That’s when you fall through and end up a Ryansicle. Unless you’re just heading out to the ice fishing hut. Then you’ll be a-okay. The moral of this story: there was no story.

You know, after going over this puzzle less than once, I realized that clue #4 has absolutely no bearing on the result. Assuming that you’re crossing off pirates once they’re ruled out, and following the clues in order, you’ve already found the culprit by clue #3. I really wanted to make a joke about how one of these guys looks like some sort of pop culture icon, but none of them bear any resemblance to anything. It was pirate E. And he sucks, because he failed to steal the treasure.

How accurate. Kinda makes you wonder how widely these were distributed. Or maybe they were just thrown together by one of the locals in an attempt to make a quick buck (or $1.50, considering I’m probably the only one ever to buy these things). I mean, they have no sort of… Wait a tick! Upon closer inspection, they were produced by… a bunch of Newfies. Apparently they go by the name “The Surprise Bag Company”. After a little research, I discovered absouluely nothing other than this. Hover over the clown picture for a little briefing on the SBC, and click on him to be taken to a webpage that isn’t there. Other than that, there isn’t a lot that Google can tell me about them. I guess it’s a good thing I never noticed the mailing address on the back of the bag last time, or else I’d be out a paragraph of material here.

Woah. Stop the presses. Forget what I said about accurate. The Jets never won the Stanley Cup. As far as I know, they never even came close. Yes, the Winnipeg Victorias took it waaaaay back in 1896, and then again in 1901 and 02, but I hardly think anyone would fashion a toy ring for events so ancient and obscure.

Next up…. A fake tooth. Yow. That one was in deep. Either way, it’s neither interesting to look at, read about, or even write about, so how about I tell you about my day about? No? Fine. Aboot.

Ooh! Candy for all you technologically inclined types out there. They even spelled it ‘bytes’. I guess that about sums it up. Aside from the redundancy of putting both ‘mini’ and ‘micro’ in the name, the package hasn’t got anything to offer, aside from it’s sweet, sweet (here’s hoping) contents. Oh yeah, and remember that raindrop-headed guy. You’ll be seeing more of him before the day is done.

The candies certainly do look appealing. They’re all colourful and tiny. Mini they are. And micro as well. So I threw ’em back, and it turns out they’re pretty good. You know Sweet Tarts? Kinda like those, but not as chewy. Or at least not as chewy as Chewy Sweet Tarts. And just now I looked at the back of the bag, and the thing is dated 1998. Candy doesn’t really go bad, right? I survived the last bag of stuff, after all. But I can’t recall actually eating any of it. If I turn up dead in the next little while, I blame Newfoundland.

This one’s a bit of a toss-up. I really should have just put the two pics side-by-side, but screw that. I’m getting my extra paragraph. By the by, I pretty much destroyed that capsule trying to get it open. I’m not good with vending machine capsules. Never have been, never will be.

Did you see that coming? I didn’t. Why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate featuring a sleeping star who’s mouth is zippered shut? Moreover, why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate? Perhaps to compliment their tiny sports team logo’d mugs? So they have something to display in their tiny china cabinet? To throw in the air and shoot with their tiny clay shooting rifle? Life is full of mysteries, and this is certainly one that will never be solved. I hate that star.

When the casket fell out of the bag as I was shaking it furiously, a wave of pure dread washed over me. Not only because I had to try to review something a second time and make it seem like new, but also because I feared that the skeletons from last year were out for revenge on me. But this one could hold something different, right? There was no guarantee that even though it looked the exact same and had the same “Mr. Bones” engraved on the top, it held the same stuff as the last coffin.

Hopes were crushed, curses were placed, and untruths were typed. There was no curse, nevermind several of them. My hopes that something different would be inside were indeed crushed, however. It’s the same bone candy that I discovered in the last article, and this batch is just as brittle and crappy as the last, making it impossible to actually hook the bones together. So I’m a little sad that there’s a repeat item, but at least this a repeat of a somewhat cool item. We’ll be suffering much greater disappointment a little later on.

And that does it for the first bag. I’d say the Winnipeg ring is the best thing in there, simply because of the coincidence of finding a toy ring that is emblazoned with the name of my city in a bag of completely random junk. The biggest let-down was the tooth. Sure, it had blood on it, but nobody, and not even nobody’s uncle Leopold would for even a second believe it to be a real tooth, so it’s got no prank value for something that should be rich in the stuff.

Now we’re gonna kick it up a notch and delve into the mysteries of the second Dick Turtle Surprise Bag. If it were possible for me to write more about this junk, you’d be clicking a link to go to a second page, but even I can’t reach for that much filler with this crap as source material, so you get off easy this time.

Dick’s advice is a little less stupid this time. I mean, not every kid is going to be presented with the option to skate on a frozen lake or pond, but almost every child will, at some point in their life, have to cross a road. But really, we all know that Dick goesn’t give a flying rat’s ass about children. He’s just trying to better his image to give himself more leverage with the voters. Bastard is all about politics.

Do you want to colour a giant space turtle humping a rocket? I don’t, but if you do, today’s your lucky day! Save the pic, blow it up a little in Photoshop or something, and colour it in! Send it to me afterward, and I’ll make a Dick Turtle gallery and put all of your pretty pictures in it. That’s a promise. If I get even one submission, the gallery will be there. Eventually. So do it!

But seriously, where do they get off calling this a puzzle?

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged back in. At first glance, it’s just the Mini Micro Bytes again, but if you look real close, you’ll still think they’re the Mini Micro Bytes again. But these packages hold a terrifying secret! While the previous ones were more cylindrical in shape, these bytes are… circles! Okay. I’ll admit it. I’ve got nothing. But then again, do I ever really have something?

I don’t know what the hell this is. Some kind of cat toy of something. It’s just a smiley face in the middle of a plastic ball, with little balls boucing around inside. You can make it jingle a bit, but not much else. At least it should make good lighter fodder come stuff-burnin’ season. Which is now.

You can’t tell from the tiny pic, but that pink thing on the corner of the Mini Tarts packages is the same dude from the Mini Micro Bytes. Word on the street is that he calls himself the Goody Guy. Anyhow, further investigation reveals that not only are the Mini Tarts the exact same candy as their Mini Micro bretheren, but that they were produced a year earlier. I’m not sure what the deciding factor is, but these ones taste marginally worse than the others. Maybe the year made a difference after all? Or perhaps the Bytes were just an improvement on the Tart formula. We may never know. I hope you stay up all night pondering, cause I’ll feel bad if I’m the only one.

More bytes. Only this time they’ve got a block in a diaper representing them. Oh, and they’re made by an entirely different company. Hard as stone and more revolting than a bag of pig ears, these are certainly not good candy. Simply put: they’re shitty Chiclets. They won’t make you want to induce vomiting like those damned bones (a fact I may have omitted earlier), but they do border on nasty.

Two items left, and we’ve got another crappy ring. Only this one looks like a bad Dino wannabe. I’m not even sure if it’s supposed to be a dinosaur at all, nevermind a ripoff of an established character. It could very well be a very poorly drawn duck. I’ve seen worse.

And our final item of the day is this… notebook… thing. It’s tiny, and I doubt anyone without mad skillz similar to mine could have any change of writing legibly in it. Crap. I’m tired of writing about stuff. It’s time to wrap things up and hope I never find another Dick Turtle bag again.

I guess that maybe, maybe if the remaining Dick Turtle Surprise Bag is still sitting in that Bargain Shop next summer, I’ll pick it up and review it. I really don’t think so though, because it took two of them to fill an entire article, should you neglect that a lot of stuff that could have been said was written during the first DT bag review. And if there’s only one left, you’re probably only going to get a mini-review out of it at best, unless I just throw length to the wind and decide to do it just for the sake of getting to use the word ‘dick’ more.

So yes, that’s probably the last of Dick Turtle you’ll be seeing on this website. Unless of course, someone acutually takes up my offer of colouring the Dick Turtle picture. Of course, if you really need a Dick Turtle fix, you could drive out to Lac du Bonnet and search out that last bag for yourself… Me, I’m just gonna look up an antidote for all that candy that probably poisoned me.

The Christmas Gift List 2004

It’s taken me over a month to finally get down to business, but finally, I can proudly present to you the second annual Cristmas article. Maybe in the future I’ll have some more Cristmas-themed things to write about, but that’s a little ambitious for me. So yes, it’s taken me quite a while, and I would like to take the time to explain myself. If you don’t want to read the article lengthening banter that is my explaination, just skip right past the next paragraph. If you do want to see what paper-thin excuses I’ve come up with, continue on, my friend.

I had originally wanted to do something different for christmas this year, but as you’ll see, it didn’t fly. I was planning to do complete reviews on each major item that I received, and then wrap up all the smaller ones into a separate article. But that idea never got off the ground, as it required me to do far too much writing in too little a time frame (I’m really bad for productivity. To date, I still haven’t finished the Disney World logs.). So now you get one big one. Then as if technology itself were trying to thrawrt me, I had uploaded about half the pictures you’ll see in this article onto the family PC, where I used to do most of my site work. it promoptly crashed a day or so afterward. The files were on a separate backup drive, and it wasn’t until just recently that I got around to putting it into my PC. So as you can plainly see, the lateness of this article is due to my extreme laziness. Oops.

But I digress, it’s about time I talked about the Christmasy stuff. Oh, did you notice I put images in the title banner? I think it’s a nice touch, though slightly overbearing. I’d also like to voice my opinions on the parts of Christmas which are not gifts, but if you really want to know about that, you can go read the intro to last year’s Christmas article. It’s got all the deets, yo.

As I did last year and will for many years to come, I shall start with the stocking. But why the stocking? Ah, that has got some lore behind it. So gather ’round while I tell ye the tale. Every year on christmas morn, us chill’ens get up anywheres between three to one hours before the folks do. Rules denote that no present is to be unwrapped while not under the watchful eye of the parents, so we must wait in agony for them to wake. But back in nineteen-odd-something, we struck a deal allowing us to dig into the stocking stuffers so that we might have something to do whilst we waited. And to this day, the stocking is always the first priority when dealing with Christmas-related affairs. Other big words, blah blah. Let’s move on.

I can’t say I was overly pleased with this year’s run. while there are a few treasures, I have to express that there wasn’t nearly enough candy. I’m a man who likes his candy. And it was lacking. Less than half the good pictured are practical. i guess it’s just a part of getting older (Hell, I should be glad I’m even getting a stocking), but these useful things just aren’t what I look for in a stocking. I’ll have to make note of it for next year.

Anyway, if you can’t tell from the picture, here’s what’s there. And in fancy list form, no less.

Halleluja! A Mastercraft utility knife!
Two blue pens. I always liked black better.
Orange Tic-Tacs. I hate orange.
A small chocolate Santa. Uneventful.
Mmm… Chocolate snowballs. Great for snacking.
Strawberry Bubblicious Bursts. A burst of flavour, then nothing. Crap.
LifeSavers book. Only six rolls? It used to be eight, dammit!
A foreign chocolate R. Hooray R!
Listerene Pocket Paks. Apparently good for dental hygiene.
A box of razor cartidges. My dad had better not use them all this time.
Cheap batteries. But, batteries is batteries.
Mitchum brand deodorant. God dammit! I like Brut!
Gilette shave gel. Again with the hoping dad doesn’t use it all.

Ye Gods! Wrong colour pens. Wrong flavour Tic-Tacs. Wrong brand deodorant. Kinda make me wonder if my paren- err, Santa, knows me at all. But all in all, not a bad bunch of stuff, but like I said before, the candy. But the one thing that really impressed me…

The utility knife. I don’t know if you’ve ever owned one of these bad boys, but they’re one of the most amazing things in the world. Able to slice through any annoying and normally impenetrable plastic packaging with the greatest of ease, the utility knife is not a tool that any well-equipped person should be without. I’d always waned one of these babies, and now the power to best even the most durable of materials is mine. Mine! But honestly, it’s one of the best tools to have around, and one of the most likely to become useful to boot. Sure, a multitool is handy in a pinch, but this baby’s got a blade like a… something real sharp. But you probably have good knowledge of the utility knife, as most normal people would, so I’ll just be moseying on along now.

The most intriguing thing I found in this year’s stocking is this mysterious chocolate R. I can’t remember for sure, but I’m pretty certain that the box was entirely in not-English. It was labelled as “melkchocolade” or something to that effect. I’d check, but the box is long gone by now. Another reason why it would have been beneficial to have done this sooner. Now, I know that foreign chocolate is good stuff, but the only thing I was curious about is where exactly this was found. I guess I’ll have to look around the local confection stores, should I seek the solution to this conundrum. So yeah, shaped like an R.

Next on the chopping block is the bag of stuff from my grandparent (father’s side). As long as I can remember, they’ve given bags of stuff. Of course, my memory’s about five years at max, so that’s not saying much. Anyhow, this one, as it is an actual gift, contains more substantial stuffings than the stocking. The rectangular object on the top is, as you might have guessed by the silhoutette, is a gift certificate for a round of golf. If only I didn’t have to wait through this horrid winter. the next, and more immediately accessible item is a gift card for Famous Players. I need companions for that one, though. You can’t just go to a movie alone. Or so I hear. And in the top right- Old Spice! My second-preferred deodorant! Hooray for my grandparents!

Among the more obvious items is a tube of toothpaste, good old Crest style. Crest is awesome. Aquafresh wishes it were as good as Crest. And then there’s the Juicy Fruit. When in stick form, it’s good stuff. But the peices are just worthless. The sticks have a good run of flavour. Heck, I’ve been chewing one all night and it’s still got some left. The pieces, though, they go for like 20 seconds and then it’s over. Kinda like your mom. Oh! Burn! …Did that make sense? I think that kind of joke only works against men… Maybe next year. What you don’t see in the picture is a scarf and a cheque for 50 smackers. Booyah. I love money.

Like the utility knife, I’ve wanted one of these for years now, but never goteen around to actually getting one. Until now, that is! If you don’t know what it is, I can’t help you, because I have no idea what it’s called. I can, however, tell you what it does. If you’re stuck with a TV that has only one set of A/V plugs like my own, and have many A/V using things around, this is just what the doctor ordered. You can just plug all your doodads into this box here, and switch them with a press of a button. It helps eliminate that annoying need to switch out the A/V cables all the time, and is really a pain saver if the jacks are on the back of the TV. Before I got his, I was too lazy to switch the plugs all the time, so if I wanted to play a Playstation game after a round of GameCube, I’d probably just consider it too much trouble and find something to do that required less effort. But now I switch in a matter of seconds, with no effort at all! Now I just need a power bar so I don’t have to switch out the power plugs all the time.

Off to the right side, you’ll also note a roll of duct tape just barely in the picture. I got that for Christmas as well, but had forgotten up until I saw it in the picture. And that’s why it doesn’t have it’s own picture. Funny story. My mom was totally stupified when I said I wanted duct tape for Christmas. She thought it was weird to ask for, but got it for me anyway. OK, maybe it wasn’t that funny after all.

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of things that didn’t get their own pictures (mostly just so that I don’t forget to mention them later), I also got a couple other “strange” goods for the big X to the Mas. for one, I got a pie from my youngest brother. It was an apple pie. I was hoping for pumpkin or cherry, but he bought me a freaking pie, so I was totally impressed. Also, my grandma got me some cheesecake. Both of these items were actually on my list (I wasn’t gonna make one orignally, but my mom requested it), and my brother and grandma are cool, so they totally came through for me. It was truly the tastiest Christmas ever.

Hey, lookit that! Certainly something I never would have expected. My mom had been hounding me that I needed a new jacket, and I guess that suede deal I bought wasn’t exactly winter-worthy. I should have seen it coming. Mommy hates when I own a piece of outside clothing for more than three years. Of course, I’m one of those people who get really attached to their stuff, and don’t like to get new things. She did it with my poor boots too. My new ones are totally inferior, as they’re falling apart after about half a year, and the old ones lasted four years with minimal damage. But back to the jacket. As much as I love my old “black Michelin Man” jacket, this one is without a doubt superior in every way. Not only is it warmer, it’s also less of an eyesore, and it’s got like 600 pockets. I like it, and I think this one will be staying for quite a few years to come.

With the appearance of the jacket, it only makes sense to take a look at any other clothing items, right? Best not to strew this stuff too far apart. This Christmas was very good to me clothes-wise. I got very few, and what I did get was exactly what I wanted. Most notably, and visible, is the new pair of pajama pants. I’ve been wearing jeans exclusively for so many years that I’m usually uncomfortable in anything else, but I love pajama pants. It’s like they were forged with the spirit of laziness. You can’t help but be a little lazy while wearing them. Maybe it’s that particular feature that has driven many schools to ban them. That stuff about them being too “unprofessional”? Bull. Authority likes to destroy morale (as far as my experience goes), and boy do pajama pants boost that trait. Oh yes, I actually received two pairs of these holy pants. The other pair is black. On top of that were a couple pairs of boxers. I won’t take a picture of me in my skivvies this year though. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’d love to, but then I’d have to get out of my chair and remove my pants, which is way more effort than I’m willing to put forth.

As I’m working on a PC with no program that can indicate the number of words in a document, I have no idea how far along I am word-wise, but I do think that this would be an appropriate time to go onto the next page of stuff. Going by paragraphs, this is about how far I got last year when I went onto the second page, and this two-pager deal should be tradition. It’s good for making me look like I write a lot more than I actually do. Crap. I’ve run out of ways to extend this paragraph. Oh woe is me! I have no ideas for filler! Oh well, to the next page!

[Pretend there’s a link to a Page 2 here. There really used to be!]

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think this year was going to produce a two-pager. But as it turns out, I might have actually gotten more stuff this year than I did last. I won’t bother to count, but feel free to do so if it bothers you not to know. This is really strange, because I figured Christmas wouldn’t be as great an occasion since now I’m an adult. But it was pretty much the same. Everyone still treats me like a kid, so I’m happy. But as much as things stayed the same, there was a lot of difference from last year.

The first thing, and most prominent for me, was our dog situation. Last year we had good old Mojo. I was forced to watch him a lot, so I got rather attached to the dog. But this year, we’ve got our new dogs. The whole season reminded me of Mojo, and gave me this strange sensation inside. I think it’s what you people call “emotion”. And then there was the fact that this year I only had two video games on my list, as opposed to the lists of years past that had only two items that weren’t video games. It could have something to do with the fact that this year I have a job and money, and I can buy the things I want. Lastly, this was teh first year where I eer had to actually go out to find things and buy them for my family. Previous years saw my parents doing my shopping for me, and it was different for me to have to do it for myself. But that’s enough reflection for now, it’s time we get back to the important matter at hand: showing off my material posessions!

I had pretty much given up on my hopes of collecting the new line of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys after the third series came out, and haven’t gotten any since last X-Mas. But then I saw these guys, and I knew that if I was going to have any TMNT toys at all, these would have to be the ones. The Toddler Turtles are possibly the best version of the Turtles I’ve ever seen. While they only show up in the random flashback in the show, that’s more than enough to produce toys for them. Just look how cute! And the little pretend weapons! As a bonus, all four come in the same pack at the price of a normal figure, so you don’t have to shell (Ha! Shell!) out four times the cash to obtain the complete foursome. If you’d like to read up on them a little more, Matt has an in-depth review of the little guys. And many more pictures.

It was inevitable. I tried to avoid it, I did, but people kept buying me DVDs of things, so it had to be done. I aksed for a DVD player. And then I got one. It’s not an expensive model, but it sure gets the job done. Plays the DVDs quite well, and also comes with MP3 support. I guess there’s not much else to say about it other than the black colour matches with my GameCube really well. And it fits on the shelf pretty good too. Ummm… I’m really reaching for stuff to say here, folks. Well, I’ve got nothing else, so it’s time to see what kind of stuff I got to use this with.

Well what do you know, it’s season four of Friends! Still a good three seasons or so before the series apparently jumped the shark, it’s a good season to have. Full of excellent Joey antics (particularly when they go to England) and some great episodes, like the one with the big “who knows who better” game. Ah, that was a classic. But I still can’t think of an episode that beats The One Where Nobody’s Ready from season three. If you need a refresher, go check last year’s article. That should shed a little light on the subject. And once again, I seem to be left without much to say, so it’s onto the next thing.

Hooray! Futurama! When the show first aired, I watched it every once in a while, but never really got into it, but ever since Teletoon’s been running the show, I’ve been watching every chance I get. And now, I have the season two DVD set! On top of that, I’ve bought seasons one and three between then and now, so I’ve got plenty of Futuama to watch whenever I want. It may just be a phase, but as it stands, Futurama is my favorite show on TV, new episodes or not. While I always enjoy the Simpsons (even the new ones, which for some reason, everyone else hates), I think Matt Groening really outdid himself with this series. Not to mention that it stars one of my favorite voice actors, Billy West, in at least three roles. And to top it all off, Dr. Zoidberg is probably my favorite cartoon character ever. He’s so awesome. I’ve actually been watching all the episodes with commentary, and it’s friggin’ hilarious. There are often a few too many people to keep track of, but it’s still really great, and offers a lot of insight into the show. Season four will be mine soon, and then I will have them ALL! Because having them ALL is a very popular theme with me.

Good news, everyone. I’ve got what might be the most original game ever. Well, if Wario Ware had never existed, it certainly would be. Feel the Magic: XY/XX is a pleasure just to own. It’s an incredible game that easily deserves its own review. that’s why I’m doing one, and I won’t write much about it here, other than a few base facts. Base facts like how it uses the Nintendo DS’ touch screen to the fullest extent yet, and even uses the microphone feature on more than two occasions. It’s a deceptively simple, and somewhat short game, but it’s a blast to play, and would have been even better thad they implemented some sort of multiplayer mode. But no game is perfect, right?

It’s funny how deceiving the cover is. It managed to trick my mom into thinking that it’s some kind of horrible sex game. I was even kinda surprised that she picked up on the chromosome thing in the title. I guess it’s common knolwedge to anyone who’s finished up to grade six or so, but I never really though that people knew hat kind of thing. Just seems like a little reference that only smart people would pick up on. So even though my mom was totally against it, I got it for Christmas. I even tried to get her playing it, but she just kind of gave up, saying it was too complicated. Pah. It’s funny how some people are so stubborn and won’t even try new things. Excellent game. This and Wario Ware: Touched! are easily worth buying a DS for.

The Sims 2. Never thought I could really enjoy the Sims again, but then along comes this. It’s just the upgrade that the aging game needed. There were far too many expansions that didn’t really offer anything new. But the sequel packs it on, with many new gameplay features like Wants and Fears, the aging of your sims, and even little side-missions. I also recently learned that you can earn special items when you complete certain tasks, in a nod towards a similar feature in the SimCity games. i really can’t explain how much better this game is that the first. Hell, you can even decorate the neighborhoods if you so choose. Want some trees over by the shopping mall? Just plop ’em down. Not enough rainbows in your sky? Too many rainbows in your sky? Add some more, or tear ’em all down. I did a pretty comprehensive review in my Ten Greatest Games of 2004 article, so you should scooch on over there if you want more detail. For the abriged version, this game rocks. If you didn’t like the original, you probably won’t like this one either, but I think it’s damn good.

Oh yes, and the big-boxed version comes with a “bonus hint book”. I’ll tell you now, that is a freaking exaggeration. Not only does it not need the big box, due to the book really being a booklet no larger than the instruction manual, but the hint book itself is pitifully worthless. All it really does is explain about the different aspirations, which the instruction manual and in-game help stuff do quite well. that’s really all there is to it. No more than a six-page aspiration explaination. Then it’s even got the nerve to advertise the real strategy guide on the back. That damn Prima is trying to sucker you into buying their guide for a game that doesn’t really need one by giving you a tiny taste of what they’re serving up. I should go buy a guide by any other publisher just out of spite.

I was surprised last year at how not-so-bad Big Shiny Tunes 8 turned out to be. But I saw commercials for 9, and said to myself “it’s time to stop getting them”. With bands like Billy Talent, Evanescence, Nickelback (whom I don’t mind, I just can’t stand the new stuff, which it was bound to be), and a bunch of bands I’ve ne’er heard of, I was ready for this one to be craptacular. But really, it’s not so bad. It actually turned out quite well. Billy Talent, the only band on the CD I cannot cope with, is number one, so I just have to skip the first song every time and I’m good! Other than that, it contains the only Evanescence song I don’t mind, and I can tolerate Franz Ferdinand and Nickelback long enough to get to the good stuff. And speaking of which, you’ve got The Killers’ “Somebody Told Me”, a kickass Blink 182 song by the title “Feeling This” and astonishingly enough, Hoobastank is on the CD, but not with “The Reason” (which I’ve grown to dislike due to massive overplaying), but “Same Direction” which just plain rocks. Also worth mentioning are Jet and Yellowcard. Overall, it’s a pretty good CD. Much more than I expected. Now we’ll just see if 10 is any good, though I’m kind of hoping that it’ll be the last. These Big Shiny CDs are starting to clutter up my collection.

Our last item for this year is this neat RC Mario Kart thingy. I’ve seen it online a couple of times, but have resisted buying it because of a rather hefty price tag. It’s a cool thing, and a great addition to my collection of Mario stuff, but I don’t think I’ll ever actually use it. For one, it needs like a bajillion batteries, including at least one 9-Volt. I just don’t have that kind of battery budget. Well, I suppose I could make the effort to buy a few, but still, it’s more of a display thing. A quick glance shows that it can only move straight forwards and back up to the right. Not exactly racing material if you ask me. My little micro-charger thing could probably win a race against this big boy, even though it would need a minute of charging every half-lap. You really can’t make an RC toy without the ability to turn. It just doesn’t work. But, you know, whatever. Better I get if at Christmas for free than give in to temptation and buy it from Lik-Sang for like 50 bucks. And if you think I wouldn’t eventually crack, you really don’t know me at all.

And that, my friends, concludes my 2004 Cristmas article. It may have come late, but I sure think it turned out better than I was assuming it would. You may feel a bit cheated that I gave you a single review instead of a handful, but.. well, yeah, you got screwed. Unless you hate my writing, in which case this is the best case scenario. Except for if I had followed my orignialest plan and just not done one at all. But nay is the case and now it is done. i wish I could think up some more stuff to say, for a conclusion of a single paragraph is barely a conclusion at all.

Ah, yes, that’s it. I’m quite surprised at how much stuff I got, considering that at 18 I’m pretty sure my gift allowance was to be cut in half at least. But it turns out that Santa is particularly nice to some adults. Heh heh. Yeah, my parents are great. I’m not sure what I’m gonna do that fateful year when they finally decide it’s time I grow out of getting a shitload of gifts. I guess by that time I won’t care quite as much as I do now. Or perhaps they’ll just wean me off slowly by giving me slightly less each year. It’s gonna be sad the first year this special isn’t a two-pager. I think that’s gonna be when I quit doing it. If the site lasts that long. But we’ve made it through two years of rambling filler, and I’ll bet I can make it to five, at least. I just hope somewhere along the way I can grow out of this Angelfire dirt. In any case, I hope you enjoyed. See you next article. Or blog post. Whatever.

Bonus! – The Baby Card Mini-Gallery

~ #11 (honourable mention) ~ Trauma Center: Under The Knife

~ #10 ~ Lost in Blue

~ #9 ~ Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

~ #8 ~ The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction

~ #7 ~ Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time

~ #6 ~ We <3 Katamari

~ #5 ~ MegaMan Zero 4

~ #4 ~ The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

~ #3 ~ Mario Kart DS

~ #2 ~ Killer7

~ #1 ~ Resident Evil 4