Chicken wings kick ass. I really can’t think of any other “side” food that’s more enjoyable. I mean, they’ve got so much going for them, and nothing against. Can you think of an appetizer-level food that’s better than chicken wings? Maybe, but I’m going to ignore any ideas. So it’s time I compiled a list** of why chicken wings are so awesome. Just so that I have some reason for actually writing about chicken wings.
1 – Everyone likes chicken. OK, maybe not everyone likes chicken (I myself only really indulge in the legs and wings), but the phrase “Tastes like chicken” is way too cliched for any less than 95% of the earth’s population to not like the stuff. Then there’s the vegetarians, but they don’t count because they lick ass. (But only the ones who think eating animals is wrong. If you just don’t like meat, I can’t really blame you.) This point sucks.
2 – They’re hot. Not all chicken wings are hot, but often enough, they’re at least jazzed up enough to scare off some pussies. And then there’s the bonus of many levels of hotness. You can have some simple BBQ wings, go for the Super Hot wings, or even search out the fabled Suicide Wings. I have an affinity for spicy food, so obviously, I love chicken wings for this trait.
3 – Finger food. Almost falling into my “messy” point (wait for it), this has a similar idea. Finger foods are way more fun than stuff you eat with utensils. Think about it. Would you rather scarf a burger, or waste precious time meticulously cutting a steak? While steak is great, I’d still probably choose the burger for it’s convenience.
4 – They’re manly. Feeling insecure about how manly you appear to others? Few foods will make you look as masculine during and after consumption. Don’t know what it is exactly, but chicken wings are a truly manly food, much like steak and potatoes. Salad and yogurt are prime examples of the least manly foods available.
5 – Eating contests. It could be a large scale competition, or just you out to prove your worth, but chicken wings are a common choice when it comes to an eating challenge. Not only are you proving you can eat like a glutton, but chances are you’re taking on the added feat of overcoming the hot sauce too. This will impress bystanders twofold, should you come away victorious.
6 – They’re messy. Messy foods are awesome, and are fun as well. You’re expected to get a little crap on you when you eat chicken wings. I’m a meticulously neat eater, so it’s great for me to be able to be a little messy while eating wings. People make a really big deal when I don’t eat really neatly, so the expected messiness that comes with chicken wings is a huge sigh of relief for me.
7 – Good anytime food. I can’t think of a bad time to eat chicken wings. Breakfast is a bit of a stretch, but if steak can be a breakfast food, so can wings. Not only that, but they’ll be a hit at pretty much any event. Birthdays, holidays, office parties, funerals, wedding receptions, and especially sporting events, but I’ll get into that a little more in-depth for my next point.
8 – Even better sports food. When you get together to watch sports with the guys, be it at home, the local tavern, or the arena/ballpark/what-have-you, chances are that you’ll be eating chicken wings and drinking beer. Perhaps it is this association that makes them so manly. But whether or not that’s the key, chicken wings are definitely a staple of the sports feedbag.
9 – The sauce. Chicken wings often come in some sort of container. This container will usually contain a good amount of the applied sauce one the wings are gone. Not only is the sauce delicious, but it also goes well with fries, onion rings, or whatever might come along with your wings.
10 – They’re tasty. Obviously the most important trait of a food. Luckily chicken wings excel here. While the sauce is what you’re going to be getting the most of, the chicken itself is usually pretty damn good too. This is, of course, assuming that the provider of the wings makes good wings. But I’ve not tasted a bad one yet, so the point stands.
So there you have it. Ten reasons why we should hail chicken wings as one of the greatest foods ever. I hope this incites you to go out and get some for yourself. Unless you’re a vegetarian. Then you should go get someone roughly twice your size to beat some sense into you.
*I’m totally not ripping off Mike. Mine is more thorough.
**The list isn’t in any particular order.