Category: M for Mature

I am a wild party!

As we have been doing for well over a year now, the girlfriend and I go out to the movies every Tuesday night to take advantage of Cineplex theaters’ “Big Ticket Tuesdays” promotion. It’s a simple matter of getting a free drink and popcorn to go with our movies, but it’s a valued tradition, and I dread the day that it comes to an end. But this week was different! We went to two movies! She’d amassed more than enough points on her Scene card for two free tickets, so we took advantage of the freeness (you don’t get a free popcorn and drink on Tuesday if you use your points on a ticket) on Saturday night and hit the theater for the second time that week.

On our usual Tuesday date night, we went to see the highly-anticipated “The Hangover”. As huge fans of The Office, we (or at least I was) were pretty psyched to see Ed Helms go at it in a big screen production, and he did not disappoint. Even though he was playing a completely different character (the straight man, actually), you could still see so much Andy Bernard in him. But then again, just as much props go to his co-stars, Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis, who were equally awesome. The woman has a gigantic crush on Cooper, and the crowning moment of the film (for me) was when he got the shit kicked out of him by a naked, effeminate Chinese man.

If you hadn’t figured this out by now, “The Hangover” was absolutely the funniest movie I have seen in recent memory. In fact, I’m willing to label it the best movie I’ve seen so far this year. While the beginning plods just a little bit to get the premise going, it still keeps throwing jokes, slapstick, and one-liners at you to get things going. Once the pace is set, the humour is cranked up as high as it goes, and I pretty much did not stop laughing until long after the movie was over. Whether it was Cooper consistently forgetting there was a tiger in the bathroom or the drive-by tuxedo shop, there was always something hilarious (and usually outrageous) going on, and I just can not praise this movie enough.

“The Hangover”, in the end, I think would be best described as exactly what people kept telling me “Superbad” would be. I thought “Superbad” was excellent, but I never saw exactly why people found it impossible to stop talking about how great it was. But that’s exactly how I feel about “The Hangover.” I would gladly go see it again and again, like a late-nineties woman would “Titanic.” I can absolutely see myself falling asleep every night watching this movie much like I did with “Bender’s Big Score” for several weeks. Though now that I think about it, I doubt I’d actually be able to sleep while laughing so hard.

On Saturday night, she decided that it was time we see “Drag Me To Hell.” Now, after seeing the Evil Dead trilogy, I’ve always been able to give Sam Raimi the benefit of the doubt, but after “Spider-Man 3” it got a lot harder. “Drag Me To Hell” did not register well with me the first time I saw the trailer. I just got the impression of another dull horror movie that would fail both to frighten and entertain, like so many I’ve seen recently (“Quarantine” and “The Unborn” to name but a few). I was not looking forward to it.

Oh dear lord, how I was wrong.

“Drag Me To Hell,” in a word, was terrific. It was classic Sam Raimi, only with about a jillion times more budget to work with. While the story, setting, characters, and pretty much everything else were about as far removed from anything Evil Dead as you can get, I could not help but feel overwhelmed by the spirit of that series throughout the entire movie. It was a joy to watch from beginning to end, and I’d gladly recommend it to anybody who enjoys a hearty laugh with their creepiness.

That said, this movie was not the serious, dreary horror flick that the trailer plays it off as. It’s actually incredibly funny, with a few scary parts in between the plot and humour scenes (Alison Lohman’s face in the final scene will stay with me forever and be in my nightmares for the rest of my life). But the “horror” is just a device to bring in plenty of slapstick and gross-out comedy. And not in the terrible Wayans parody movie way, either. The fight scene between Lohman’s character and the old gypsy woman is a riot and is worth seeing the entire movie for. The part where the gypsy woman loses her false teeth and starts gumming Lohman is quite possibly the funniest and most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. When the demon is summoned into different characters near the ending is one of the most ridiculous scenes in the movie, but is entertaining and hilarious the whole way through.

The story is a bit flimsy, but you won’t care once the credits start to roll. You’ll walk away and talk about the parts that made you laugh the most, and you will feel entirely satisfied. The trailer and commercials do a terrible job of showcasing this movie. “Drag Me To Hell” is not a serious horror film. It is a lighthearted story of a cursed girl that never ever even thinks about taking itself seriously and even occasionally pokes fun at itself. It’s also about having as many disgusting things end up in the main character’s mouth as humanly possible. I loved it, and I gladly welcome Sam Raimi back into my good books for making it for me.

Mass Review Time – Fargo ’08

 

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It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these mass review articles (usually they’re just blogged). More importantly, it’s been a while since I’ve done an article at all. Much to my own dismay, a cheap mass review is not way to worm my way back into the game, but it’s all I’ve really got the gumption to work on at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want to write articles anymore, it’s just that there are so many other things I want to do more. And even more things I need to be doing.

But I digress. Blabbing about why I’m no longer writing full-length pieces is not today’s topic! But rather I’m here to discuss money well spent? I decided to end that sentence with a question mark because at this point I still can’t gauge the actual quality of most of the products below. I just bought most of them through good word-of-mouth and personal tastes. In fact, I’m pretty sure that at least a couple would be considered complete garbage by the general population, but we’ll see!

So the bonus theme here is that I picked up all this stuff when my girlfriend and I went away to Fargo(, North Dakota) for the weekend. I did a little photo gallery with commentary of last year’s trip south of the border (see sidebar), so maybe you’ll prefer that one if you’re looking for an article with a little more meat on its bones. Also, certainty. This here article, as of this writing, is pretty much all assumptions. It’s built on the hopes and dreams of millions! …Or maybe just me.

• Item #1

Tesla – Five Man Acoustical Jam

Okay, I know said it was all assumptions from here on in, but I’m starting with something I know is awesome: Tesla. I’ve been listening to Tesla for many, many years now, and sadly, I’ve only ever been able to find one of their CDs in any local stores. Thus, I often take it upon myself to scour the multimedia-type shops south of the border for anything I can find by them. This time I got real lucky, finding the two Tesla discs I was really gunning for. Five Man Acoustical Jam is obviously enough, a recording of a live acoustic show. It’s one of very few Tesla albums that I haven’t downloaded, so jackpot!

In other news, it’s completely awesome. Tesla is a great band, and they made their name through their acoustic prowess, so the only logical conclusion is that this album must rule. And rule it does. Don’t know what else there is to say other than I love it. Score: A

• Item #2

Tesla – The Great Radio Controversy

I know it seems silly that I only bought two Tesla CDs while I was down there, and now that I really think about it, I probably am really silly for it. I mean, I probably could have completed the full discography, but I stopped looking after I picked up these two.

Unlike its lovably live cousin above, The Great Radio Controversy is a studio album, but that means little. The Tesla-loving community largely believes this to be their finest work, and I’m not one to argue. It’s everything that makes Tesla great (minus the “awesome live performers” bit), and while it may not rock quite as hard as Psychotic Supper, it rocks just as well or better. Two thumbs up. Score: A

• Item #3

Mega Man Star Force 2

Yeah, I know you’re groaning right now and about to skip this paragraph, but that’s quite alright. You put up with more than enough of my Mega Man nonsense that you deserve a break from it if you can find one here or there. So go ahead and move on to the next item if you’ve gotten sick of hearing me rave about Mega Man.

For those that care, Star Force is the dual-screened big brother to the MegaMan Battle Network games. It seems like it’ll be following the same “new chapter every summer” release schedule that Battle Network had. I played the first one almost to completion last summer (I didn’t beat the final optional boss), and I was surprised to see this one in stores because honestly, I had no idea it was out. so I picked it up, and I’ve got to say, it’s most certainly not as big a step up from the first as Battle Network 2 was to its predecessor. I mean, I’m enjoying the game, but it hasn’t offered anything that improves on the first game. Well, not enough to make it feel exciting and new anyway. Score: C+

• Item #4

Etrian Odyssey 2: Heroes of Lagaard

As soon as I’d finally stopped flip-flopping on whether I wanted the first Etrian Odyssey or not, it had long since become impossible to find at retail. I was afraid EO2 would see a similar fate (despite being a new release), but after searching each and every store that sells video games in Fargo, I gave up and checked GameStop. As much as I generally loathe the GameStop/EB chain, it has to be said that they do actually carry Atlus games, and as a fan of Atlus’ niche titles, that scores some decent points in my book.

Anyway, I haven’t actually had a chance to plug it in and start playing yet (probably because I’m awasting all sorts of time writing about shit I buy), but I’ve read more than enough on the subject to be more or less familiar with what I’m getting into. The Youngest One bought it too (before I had a chance to advise him otherwise), probably because he thought “Ooh, an RPG. I should buy it”, and promptly got his ass whupped and put it right down. I doubt he’ll be spending too much time on this one, but someday when I’m in the middle of fewer games, I’ll crack this one open and spend a little quality time with it.

Edit : Decided I’d just forego finishing some other games so I could sink my teeth into this one. I’m not regretting it. Etrian Odyssey II is even better than I’d imagined. This is a real horror game, because you’re always on the edge of your seat, wondering if you’ll be able to survive the next fight. Also, even the slightest progress feels like you’ve made a huge accomplishment, so yeah. props to that. Love it. Score: A

• Item #5

Day of the Dead

No, it’s not Romero’s classic with a new cover. It’s one of those horrid “re-imaginings”, or so I assume. At least on the back cover it said it’s inspired by Romero’s Day of the Dead, so we can hope it at least pays a little homage to the original. In any case, it’s a zombie movie, so it most definitely belongs in my collection.

I should let you know that I fully expect this to be completely awful. That’s how these movies are. The characters are stupid and unlikable, the plot makes little to no sense and there’s buckets and buckets of gore. Yeah it sounds like a disaster, but that’s exactly what I’m looking for. I enjoy a good zombie movie, but I love a zombie movie that makes you want to root for the zombies. It’s brainless (in a manner of speaking) fun, and that’s really what I want in movies. So despite the fact that it’s defacing a classic, I have high-ish hopes for this one.

Edit : Yeah. So I watched it, and it’s not so great. It has almost nothing in common with the original, though if you concentrate real hard you can find a couple loose parallels between the two. But yeah, it’s not even a fun gore-fest. Just low-grade zombie schlock. When Nick Cannon is the best part of a movie, you know that you’ve got a bit of a train wreck on your hands. I’m a little let down by this one, honestly. Score: D+

• Item #6

The Dead Pit

As I was perusing the horror section at Fargo’s Best Buy (why doesn’t our Best Buy sort movies by genre? It’s so much easier…), and I saw that Day of the Dead remake thing, and then right beside it, The Dead Pit caught my eye. The cover didn’t really get the idea of zombies across to me, but reading the synopsis on the back confirmed my suspicions: zombies!

Much to my delight, this is one of those 80’s zombie flicks that pretends to have a cohesive plot. By that of course, I mean it’s more than “OMG zombiez. Let’s try to survive!” Something about a mad scientist attacking a mental ward with a horde of zombies? I dunno and I’m too lazy to go check the case, but it sounded like a riot at the time. I honestly think this could be as unpredictably lovable as Hellraiser. Score: B (pending)

• Item #7

Chucky: The Killer DVD Collection

I’ll level with ya, I’ve only ever seen the first Child’s Play movie, and even then, I was still a little squeamish at the time and covered my eyes a lot. I did like the movie though, and I’ve always wanted to at least see the first two sequels. Bride of Chucky isn’t exactly a priority, and Seed of Chucky seems like they’re just taking it too far. Alas.

I’ve been putting off buying this collection for a while now because I knew that not having the first one would drive me bonkers (OCD, you see), but it actually hasn’t been grating on my nerves too much. It’s not like the movie isn’t on DVD or anything either, I just can’t find the damn thing anywhere. Oh well. I’m sure some day I’ll be in the right place at the right time, and it will be mine. Or I’ll have forgotten my wallet and smack myself in the forehead. Score: B+ (pending)

• Item #8

Bruce and Lloyd: Out of Control

I’ll say this now, because it’s the most important note here: I was promised a lot more Patrick Warburton than I got from this purchase, and it makes me ever so slightly disappointed. Other than that, good times!

If you haven’t seen Get Smart yet, you’re really missing out on something. I loved it so much, I ran out an bought this straight-to-DVD supplemental material without even reading a review first. Fortunately, it’s not nearly as awful as most straight-to-DVD stuff, but it’s still nowhere near as great as the main movie. Then again, I never expected it to be. I’m just confused as to why exactly Steve Carell couldn’t make at least a cameo. Anne Hathaway shows up in one scene, so why do we get no Steve Carell? Ah well. If Get Smart was at the “hilarious” level, I’d probably only rate this one as “silly” at best, but it’s still worth a look if you liked the source material. Score: B

Also, I should mention that I bought some other stuff, like shorts and foodstuffs, but I decided to cut them out because clothes are boring (do not tell my girlfriend I said that, she bought clothes almost exclusively) and junk food isn’t something that really needs to be logged into the annals of internet history. At least, not any of the food I bought. It was all pretty much run-of-the-mill junk food that a) isn’t available in Canada or b) is ridiculously expensive in Canada. So yeah. That’s the end then. Good night.

You’re dead

And your doubts about how awesome Super Paper Mario is are now gone.

So anyhow, ummm… I dunno. I finally bought The Black Parade. I still don’t like “Welcome To The Black Parade”, but the album as a whole is pretty darn good. In fact, all the other songs are good. Figures though. Singles these days seem to often be the weakest songs a band has to offer. Also, you know, Wikipedia telling me the thing was majorly influenced by Queen (favourite band ever) was really the deciding factor there. Certainly wins a lot of points for that one.

I got some deformed Peeps. don’t know what to say. Better deforemd than retarded though, right?

Euphorea

While it’s been fun arguing over consoles that have been obsolete for like ten years now (maybe next time we’ll go over which version of the Atari was the best), everything’s gotta come to a close eventually. Of course, like 97% of arguments, it was completely irrelevant because every point hinged entirely on opinion, and for the sake of this particular disagreement, opinions cannot be wrong, they can only conflict.

One little note before I go though, is something that always gets on my nerves. Just because a game has an E rating and blood isn’t a consequence of every possible action, doesn’t mean it’s for children. If it’s got Teletubbies on the cover, yeah, maybe it is, but for the most part, that E is an accurate representation that everyone should be able to enjoy the game. If you think you can’t enjoy a game because it’s colourful and not overly violent, then you have some growing up to do. Taking a perfectly random example, Kingdom Hearts was not only rated E and stuffed with cute and colourful characters, but it also carried nearly every Disney licence seen in the past 70-odd years. Yet if you actually play the game rather than blowing it off at the sight of Mickey Mouse, you’ll see that it would take someone who’s at the very least around fifteen years old to truly appreciate the game. Its sequel was even deeper, and most of the things that make it a truly fantastic game would be completely lost on children.

I don’t like to get riled up about silly things, but when people will deny the worth of something because it doesn’t feature anything that might spark some kind of controversy, it drives me bananas. In that way, I envy non-Americanized culture because they can appreciate things that aren’t drenched in violence. Don’t get me wrong, though. I loves me some violence (especially when zombies are involved), I just don’t believe it’s a requisite for quality.

Now the bonds are broken

I learned something very important tonight: never watch a movie just because you like the title. Even if it does sound really, really good, you should probably check out the IMDb page first, just in case.

The movie in question that spurs this lesson is called “Cannibal Holocaust“. Yeah. I know, it sounds totally wicked. The only thing that could make it better is if it were “Zombie Holocaust”, “Vampire Holocaust” or “Robot Holocaust”. The funny thing is that all those movies actually exist. But anyway, I was not overly pleased with “Cannibal Holocaust”, as it wasn’t at all what I was hoping for. I mean, I guess I was expecting savages messing up some people’s shit, but all I got was extremely raunchy and gory social commentary. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against social commentary, I’d just rather have a lot of cheese instead. What can I say? I love cheese. Bad dialogue and piss-poor actors make a movie all that much more enjoyable. But no, “Cannibal Holocaust” actually had a startlingly adept crew, and the gore wasn’t even enjoyable gore. It was just mean-spirited is all.

I’m not sure what my point is. I guess it’s that you probably shouldn’t watch “Cannibal Holocaust”, especially if you have those pesky “moral” things. Yeah. Lot of unapologetically horrid stuff here. Not so good. When I am offended (only slightly, only slighty) by something, you know it’s gotta be pretty bad. The real strange thing though, is that it really hooked me. Usually I break out some kind of handheld video game or the nail clippers halfway through a movie, but I watched this one very intently. Funny how that worked out. But yeah, probably best to stay away from this one.

The 2007 Christmas Gift Roundup

You might not have ever noticed, but back in January of last year, I never actually posted a big ol’ rundown of all the assorted junk I got for Christmas. I guess the main reason is that I felt a little bad about the sheer volume of stuff I receive for the holiday, despite the fact that I’m getting into my adult years. A 20-year old probably shouldn’t get quite as much as I did that year, and it seemed wrong for me to go and show off everything.

This year I had originally planned to keep the once-yearly feature buried, but then I saw Matt’s gift roundup on the X-Entertainment blog, and the fact that he got way more stuff than I did made me think that oh, maybe I’m not quite as spoiled as I thought. Given, I don’t have like a hundred siblings, but the point stands. My parents also had a little extra scratch this year, and besides renovating half the house, they also used it to shower us and themseves in Christmas gifts. And that’s basically why I’m running this feature right now, as late as it my be.

Now that the whole semi-related intro groundwork business is laid out I suppose it’s time we get to the down and dirty of this article here: the goodies. Though I’d like to remind you that while I use the term “good”, I can predict that some will groan at at least a few entries on the list. Oh, also like the X-E rundown, this will be somewhat more abbreviated than lists of years past. These kinds of things don’t really deserve two pages.

Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker : One of my fondest memories of classic Game Boy games is the original Dragon Quest Monsters. I spent weeks worth of time playing that games, and still didn’t even come close to finishing it. It was a hard freakin’ game, what can I say? I skipped the second (and third, apparently) installment of the series, but I figured that when they announced a DS sequel that I’d give it a spin, and it’s nearly exactly how I remember it. The idea of the game is obviously a mix between Pokémon and Dragon Quest, and I really can’t decide what franchise I prefer. Pokémon is 90% strategy-based, while DQM is pretty much an “accept button” masher, but offers a far more obsessive-compulsive breeding system. Though with the default battle option being autobattle, it’s nice to sit back and watch your team just massacre everyone. In any case, while it’s very DQ in the way that it demands a lot of level-grinding, I still love it.

Silent Hill Origins : Quite possibly my most longed-for PSP game ever, Silent Hill Origins is a bit of a mixed bag. I haven’t played too far into it as of yet (I’m saving it for when I finish with DQM), but I really like what I’ve played through. On the positive side, the atmosphere is perfect, being completely creepy and one of the the few horror-based franchises that actually frightens me. The less positive being that every weapon you pick up is breakable. And they break fast. It’s not a huge issue, because punching enemies to death works just fine (it just takes a little longer), and if you’re up against more than one enemy at a time, it doesn’t matter what kind of weapon you’re carrying: you will be murdered. Also, Harry would breathe heavily after running for a while in the original Silent Hill, which was a neat touch, but protagonist-man-whose-name-I’ve- currently-forgotten can actually only run for a while before he needs to breathe out or down an energy drink. I hate realism in games because it’s almost always inconvenient. All in all though, it delivers more than enough to be worth it, and I think I’ll really enjoy it once I sit down and give it more than an hour.

Futurama: Bender’s Big Score : Time has done well to Futurama. It may not be exactly what I was hoping for in a fifth season, but the first of however many of these “movies” they’re making sets a pretty good standard. I’ve watched it twice now, which is a lot, considering that I’ve almost never seen a movie twice in such a short span of time. The plot deals with a lot of time travel, which can cause some pretty perplexing plot holes, but as far as I care, the writing staff did a great job avoiding that kind of stuff and workied it out pretty well. One thing I noticed about Futurama over the course of it’s life is that it went from being just about funny to being funny and really fleshing out the characters and their relationships with each other. Bender’s Big Score continues down that road, albeit maybe not as much as the fourth season did, but there’s a good amount of sincerity along with the humour. The only thing I didn’t like is that they referenced like 95% of the old episodes, which is maybe a little too much. Self-referential humour is good and all, but freshness is good too.

Superbad : I saw a brief bit of this movie shortly after it came to DVD (“Do you know how many foods are shaped like dicks? All the good ones!”), and I knew that I had to own it. I do not regret this decision, but I also disagree with all the hype surrounding it. Maybe I just missed something, but I don’t think it’s quite as holy as the general consensus would like you to think. It’s a great movie, yes. It’s hilarious, no doubt. I just don’t really think it’s going to redefine any genres. Then again, I have yet to break into the second disc, which contains extras that might shine some light on exactly why I should think it’s pure genius. So we’ll leave the final word open for now, but it is totally worth buying.

Killswitch Engage – The End of Heartache : I was introduced to Killswitch Engage back in… 04 maybe? Anyway, they had a song on the Resident Evil: Apocalypse soundtrack, and it was one of the standout tracks on the disc (though most of them are pretty good). I downloaded like two more songs to see more of what they were like, and I was kinda apathetic about it all. Their latest single, “My Curse”, in in Guitar Hero 3, and that’s when I decided to give them another shot. I got The End of Heartache for Christmas, and I’m thinking maybe I should go and pick up their two other CDs. I’m not much of a metal connoisseur, so I can’t really say much about them, but I like Killswitch Engage.

HIM – Venus Doom : Yeah, I’m still listening to HIM. A lot of bands I’ll listen to obsessively for a while and then kind of forget about, but HIM is one of the groups with staying power. Their latest offering is quite good. I’ve only had it on in the background while I play video games, so I haven’t really sat down just to listen to it and absorb it, but I do realy like it. Maybe even a bit more than Dark Light, which I was ever so slightly disappointed with. I guess the reason is that I was drawn into the Dark Light hype, so maybe I was expeting too much, I don’t know. In contrast, I didn’t even know about Venus Doom until like a week before Christmas, so I was just excited that there was a new HIM CD.

Dethklok – The Dethalbum : Honestly, what haven’t I said about The Dethalbum already? I downloaded it the day before it was released, and I’ve listened to it probably about 50 times. Now, I own it. The Tall One had to venture to a mall on the other end of the city to find the stupid thing, but it was a trek well worth it. We’re both huge Metalocalypse fans, so either of us probably would have gone even farther to procure it. I’m just slightly disappointed that there weren’t any copies of the special edition available. The bonus disc is short, but the songs on it are totally worth however much extra money they charge for it. Conclusion: wicked CD.

Beetlejuice : I’ve seen this movie on TV so goddamned many times that I really don’t need to own it, but it’s a great addition to my collection anyway. Why wouldn’t you want to watch Beetlejuice? I wouldn’t buy the cartoon series though. It’s one of the few shows I loved in my childhood that I just can’t really get into anymore. Ah well. At least the toys were cool.

Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special : When this first came out maybe two years ago, I skipped it because I figured it would be included on one of the season DVD sets. I was dead wrong. Now I don’t have a Conky finger puppet because I waited, but I guess I’ll find a way to manage without.

Wii Points : Wii Points are a precious resource to me. I can never have enough, and I’m ever so slightly iffed that I only got one card for Christmas. Oh well. The Youngest One decided he would gift me a Virtual Console game as his present, but there was nothing I didn’t already own that I wanted on the service, so he gave me a raincheck. It’s been three weeks since Christmas and I still have that raincheck. Where are all the good VC games?

Nunchuck attachment : “But Ryan,” you say “when did you get a second Wii Remote?” the fact of the matter is that I did not. I just wanted a second nunchuck so that I could have one just to leave in the Zapper. Honestly, I back-and-forth with the thing a lot, and locking in and winding up the nunchuck, then undoing it all when I’m done is a pain in the ass. The annoyance of the process has on more than one occasion stopped me from playing anything at all, so you can see how Goddamned lazy I really am. Actually, I probably should pick up a second Wiimote just to leave in the Les Paul…

Lost season 3 : The thing between me and TV is that I don’t watch things on purpose. I can never remember when shit is on, or what channel it’s on, so when I find a show I like, I generally just go out and buy the DVDs to save myself the trouble. I don’t usually blaze through DVD sets so quickly, but I’ve already watched every episode from this particular season, and have started hacking away at the bonus features disc. I guess I wouldn’t really call myself a Lost junkie, because I’m not completely fanatical about it, but it is without a doubt my favourite show on TV right now. Season 4 is supposed to the be the end, and it makes me sad, but given the way 3 ended, I guess dragging it on any longer would seem forced. So yeah. I thoroughly enjoy Lost.

The Godzilla Collection : I’ll be honest here, I haven’t seen any classic Godzilla movies in their entirety. I’ve tried to watch a couple over the years, but since they were always on TV quite late, and I was much younger then, I always ended up falling asleep. It’s a lore I’ve always been very interested in though. I’ve played a lot of the Godzilla-based video games, and read up plenty on the subject on the ol’ Wikipedia. When I saw this box, my eyes bugged out and I knew that it had to be mine. And now it is. I still haven’t set aside time to crack it open yet, because I want to marathon it, but I fully intend to sometime within the next week or two. It contains seven movies: the original, and the six Showa series films. I know somewhere out there there’s a box of the Heisei series films, but I just haven’t found it yet. When I do though…

The Doors : This was kind of an odd one. My mom was looking for things for The Tall One, and she pointed this out. I surmised that he probably didn’t listen to the Doors, but that I did, though not really showing much interest. Christmas morning: BAM! You know what? Maybe it’s not something I would pursue under my own power, but it sounds like an interesting movie. I’m pretty sure it’ll be awesome. Because I think the Doors are pretty awesome. Now all I have to do is put aside some spare time in which to watch it. Maybe I’ll do that once I’m done with this stupid article.

Jerry Seinfeld Live on Broadway : It’s Seinfeld. It was a stocking stuffer. Again, not something I would really even give a second look, but ends up being right up my alley. Again, haven’t watched it yet, but fully intend to. If the standup bits on the show were representative of what his real acts are like, then I’m assuming that this will have me busting a gut, so to speak.

Trauma Center: New Blood : You know what’s pretty cool? The Wii Zapper works quite nicely with the Trauma Center games. Never would have thought so, would you? Okay, it hasn’t made a huge difference, but the little bit of extra steadiness helps. In any case, I only started this one up last night. I’m not quite sure if I ever finished the first one, but that’s besides the point. So far, the game is… well, exactly the same. The production values have gone up considerably, though I think the new TV does have a small role to play there. The fact that the entire game is voice-acted is great, because the VAs do a terrific job for the most part. It may not be anything particularly fresh, but hey, Trauma Center is wicked fun.

Whiskey : In the toe of my stocking, rather than finding the traditional orange (which, coincidentally, I’ve never gotten in my stocking), there was a small bottle of Crown Royal. Also, a shot glass with a Santa face on it. Huzzah. Both remain unopened because, quite frankly, I very rarely find myself in a situation where I require alcohol. Mostly because I spend my Friday/Saturday nights alone in my room. I’m not complaining, I’m just sayin’.

Sudoku TV : I’ll admit it, I’m hooked on Sudoku. I blame Brain Age entirely for this. So anyhow, I saw this gizmo at Wal-Mart one night while Christmas shopping with the “fam”, and decided to pick it up because I thought it would be good for a review at the very least. My mom said she’d buy it and told me to act surprised. So on Christmas morning I was treated to a huge box full of plug-n-play Sudoku. And you know what? It’s crap. I mean, it didn’t promise anything that it doens’t deliver, but the buttons are crappy and insensitive, the controls for playing Sudoku on the TV is completely asinine, and the little LCD screen just doesn’t suit the game very well. And I’m not even going to get into the other games that are packed into it. Ugh. It’s usable, but just barely. I will have to go in-depth with it though. It’s just that hilariously bad.

Gift Card Mania!!! : Every year I see more of these little things and it’s like: why don’t you just give me money? They’re not even all in the picture. I mean, I guess the only one I’d be unlikely to use is the one for Blockbuster, because I almost never rent anything, but still. And what’s with the two movie passes? Are you trying to say something? Are you that unsatisfied with me being single? I won five bucks on the Set For Life ticket though. Which is good becaue now I can go get another one, but bad because I know how addicting lottery tickets can be. I already spend way too much money, I don’t need those dumb things nickel-and-diming my bank account down even more.

And that about wraps that up. There are some other assorted thingers that I neglected to mention, mostly clothes and stocking stuffers, but those aren’t interesting in the least. That’s not to say that anything pictured is, but I’m not too concerned about showing the world a new pair of jeans or a pack of gum, you know? Yeah, so that’s the end then. I’m not sure exatly how to cut this off properly. I guess a clean break after the gift card paragraph would have been the best way to do it, but I’ve committed myself to this paragraph and I’m damn well going to see it through. To the end. Which is now.

To betray me with a kiss

Well, we now know everything there is to know about that Wii thing. I just hope that the so-called “Wii Points” are easily to obtain. Like through EB or something. Because I have no credit card, and I’m gonna need me somma that Virtual Console goodness. I think the thing that makes me giddy the most are the Wii Channels. Getting the weather is neat, but you know I’m going to be spending many, many hours on the Mii Channel.

The fact that they’re bundling Wii Sports with every console is nice, even if it is just filler. I’m a little bummed that Metroid Prime 3 has been pushed off the launch list, but looking at it from a marketing standpoint, I think it might sell better when not overshadowed by Zelda. Which, by the way, is like the greatest gift ever. A Zelda game at launch? That means they’ve got enough time to make at least two more before the Wii’s lifespan is up. Here’s hoping.

This morning I was working on a half-finished article that’s been sitting around forever. It’ll probably be up tomorrow or Saturday. Then another one’s due next week sometime. Maybe. There’s a whole stack I need to get done, and frankly I don’t think it’s gonna happen quickly. Just make sure I don’t stumble upon any new article material for the next couple months, okay?

Oh, and if you can’t appreciate Jessica Simpson’s boobs, you’re no friend of mine.

Never turn your back on it

Yep. I know I didn’t post an article last week. And so the streak ends. It was a good run though. Anyhow, I’ve been at the cottage for the last four days, and damn did I get a lot accomplished. Most importantly, I learned to bake pie. This is probably going to end up a bad thing though, because now I can create pie whenever I want, and it’ll likely be my downfall. Secondly, I finished Kingdom Hearts 2 with a 100% completion rate. It was a bitch, but I did it. I’m proud of myself. And the game was pretty awesome too. A little easy due to Forms being totally broken, but fun no less. So now, links!

The Top Ten Unmanliest Superheroes

Your Band Name Sucks: 50 of the Inexcusably Worst

The truthiness about bears

My new favourite video ever (NSFW)

This is a little entertaining. Kinda.

IGN Wii’s Retro Remix takes a look at Earthbound

TE is on… Super Smash TV!

[Editor’s Note: This was riginally written as a guest article. I changed some obvious phrases, but it something doens’t make sense, just keep that in mind]

Now it’s a bit odd, but I decided that I m posting an article here when it was intended to be a guest article for another site. Weird, no? Well that’s the way it’s going to be, and you’re going to have to deal with it. I ran out of time, and it’s the only backup I had left. Sure this contains very little of the brilliance of my regular articles, but it shall be something to read nonetheless. The pictures are as well low-budget, as I don’t want to take the time to take screenshots if I’m not even doing this seriously, so I just stole them from a Google image search.

This review is obviously (as long as you took the time to read the link and the title) about the game Super Smash TV. It’s a game that I really enjoy, and was playing a lot for a while back in October. The game is very simplistic, as it is derived from an arcade game of a similar name. While the arcade version might have a few extra scenes and (slightly) better looking models (I think, I only glanced at one screenshot. In the console version, they look like ugly men.), there probably isn’t a whole lot of difference between the two.

The game is basically you and possibly a friend running around a maze, killing hordes of enemies and picking up a bunch of prizes along the way. It’s set up as some sort of futuristic game show, and I think it’s pretty accurate, as with the current trend of violence-loving and reality TV, a real life Smash TV might not be far off. But that sad, sad fact aside, the game is pretty fun. It’s also pretty hard, and I can’t get too far without cheating. There are tons of enemies, way more than in any Gauntlet game, even. And the bosses have tons of life and really enjoy killing you.

Even though it’s almost always the same thing over and over, I find that the game doesn’t get too boring after playing it a lot. The only real different rooms are the cash rooms and bosses. The only annoying part of the game is at the end of a level, when your points are tallied up. It’s fine if you do badly, but if you get a lot of stuff, it can take a long time to add up all your points. And the worst part is that you can’t skip it, you have to sit for 1 to 3 minutes waiting for the points to count up.

Now like I said, you basically just go around shooting stuff. Enemies constantly flood out of each side of the room, and you just can’t stop them. Fortunately, there are a whole bunch of power-ups to help take the gaggles of goons out. A bunch of weapons are at your disposal, like machine guns, rocket launchers, and spread shots. Then there are other things like the speed-up, invincibility, and a shield. The only thing is that the rooms last a long time, and the power-up don’t last nearly long enough to be of maximum use. But they do appear quite often, so it sort of balances out.

The bosses, on the other hand, are incredibly hard to beat if you’re not cheating. They’re pretty big, have a lot of weapons, and are slightly faster than yourself. Not only that, but they take forever to kill, and most of the time, your forced to use special weapons because normal guns don’t work at all. So not only are they very hard to not get killed by, but they take forever to beat, too. If there is an upside, it’s that the third one (I think) looks just like the announcer guy, and I thought that was pretty funny.

Now that I’m done with the summary, here’s my point tally.

Graphics:
They look fine for the SNES, and I think they’re mostly the same as the arcade version. The only real downside is that the game show babes are beastly. The greatest thing is that there can be about 40 things moving on the screen at the same time with no slowdown whatsoever. Or at least none that I can recall. 8

Sound & music
I can’t really remember there being any music. I guess it was all drowned out by the shooting and the dying. There are a few voice samples for the announcer, and they’re pretty good compared to most voice samples in game of that time. And by that, I mean that you can tell what he’s saying. 6

Controls
This is where the game really shines. You control your guy with the d-pad, and which way he shoots with the face buttons, so you can move and shoot in different directions. If you’re playing the ROM and have a dual-analog gamepad, try setting movement to one stick and shooting to the other. I couldn’t get it to work, but I imagine it would work very nicely. 10

Fun
It’s good fun, and is just as good with two players. It can really get competitive if you’re both obsessed with getting all the loot, so it really adds to the fun of the game. It loses a few points because the bosses take way too long to kill and the game is just too damn hard to get very far. 8

Overall
I enjoy the game, but not in extended periods of time. I might beat a few rooms one day, save state, play a few rooms the next day, and so on. The lack of notable/memorable music is a real downer for me, but that just means I can turn off the sound and pop in one of my CDs without feeling cheated out of awesome music. It’s games like this that are the foundation of what an arcade should be. We need less of those damned shooting and fighting games and more of the old-school adventureish games like this or that Ninja Turtles arcade game. Overall, I’ll give it a 7.

So that’s about it. I do feel a little low for posting this on my site, it’s not exactly up to my general standards. But what can I say, it took me about an hour to write, including the time it took me to figure out what I’d write about, get the pictures, and write the thing. So I guess the last little note I should tack on here is that if you’ve got a friends nearby and a couple of PC gamepads, go download this ROM now, or buy one of the many classic arcade compilations that have this game on it. It’s a game worth trying out, and as I’ve said for many a game before this, it’s great for killing time.