Category: Film

Insidious

Wifey and I are going to the movies tonight. For a long time, we used to go see a movie every week, but over the last couple years our moviegoing has diminished quite a bit. We still try to catch the really big ones, but generally we’ll only go out to the theatre once a month at the most.

Tonight, we wll be seeing Insidious: Chapter 2. I am pretty excited, because Insidious was so much better than I ever would have imagined it to be. And that’s what I’m going to talk about today, because we watched it again last night as a refresher before we check out the sequel, as I had forgotten pretty much everything about it. I thought that I’d made a post about it back when I saw the movie for the first time, but a site search shows otherwise.

Insidious is a horror movie from the creators of Paranormal Activity and Saw. While I do have a morbid fascination with the myriad different ways they come up with to kill people in the Saw flicks, and the first Paranormal Activity is legit spooky, I’m not a fan of either series. Which is fine because Insidious is totally different from either of them. It’s more of a back-to-basics kind of horror movie; it just wants to tell you a spooky story.

The film starts with a couple, Josh and Renai, moving into a new home with their three kids. While goofing around in the attic, the oldest of the kids, Dalton, wangs his head on the floor, sees something spooky offscreen, and doesn’t wake up the next morning. Doctors call it a coma, but have no explanation for it, saying that the head wound didn’t cause any serious damage. The parents are obviously grief-stricken, and Josh starts spending as much time away from home as possible to avoid dealing with all the stress there.

Meanwhile, stuff starts going bump in the night. And in the day too, I guess. Renai hears voices in the baby monitor, the house’s alarm system goes haywire, and spooky figures begin appearing. This all culminates in the family deciding that the house is haunted and moving again. We’re only about half an hour in here, so obviously that does not work.

Eventually Josh’s mom hires them a team of paranormal investigators, and all the pieces start falling into place. I won’t spoil anything here, because this is a movie you probably should actually watch, but I think it’s obvious enough to note (indeed the box is trying to give it away) that it’s actually Dalton that is haunted, which is why the ghostly people are still stalking around the new house.

What I like here is that it takes the usual “haunting” movie trope of the dad/boyfriend not believing that anything supernatural is happening and twists it on its ear. Josh outright denies the problem at hand when the insvestigators lay their theory on him, but comes around within minutes. I was shocked at how suddenly he changed his mind and got the plot rolling. I was all like “Pssh yeah, typical. Of course he’s not gonna believe it” and then WHAM! George Michael out of nowhere. Totally didn’t see it coming.

The entire third act of the movie is really surreal and cool, too. While the first two acts are business as usual, most of the third takes place in a dreamy otherworld, and ends up kind of making me feel like Insidious was a better Silent Hill movie than the actual Silent Hill movie or its tepid sequel. It’s fairly subtle about the horror elements, and gets its spookiness through more with unsettling imagery, foggy darkness, and the gravity of the situation than violence and gore. A lot of the scary stuff in the movie isn’t immediately threatening; it’s frightening because it’s out-of-place and unnatural. It takes the familiar and distorts it, and that kind of mucking around with reality is the kind of horror that I love to see in movies.

One of the really cool things about Insidious is that while it’s a movie about the supernatural, I’m pretty sure that it uses absolutely no special effects. It’s all makeup, camera trickery, and other practical effects. Smoke machines and lighting are used to great effect here, and they do a really great job of setting the scene. At least, this is what I’m assuming. I haven’t researched the film enough to know for certain that they didn’t use special effects, but there aren’t any that are glaringly obvious. There’s also absolutely no gore, if that’s the kind of thing that’ll keep you away from a movie.

I have two problems with the movie. The first is that it takes way too long to get to the more interesting parts of it. Only about a sixth of the movie is spent in the spooky otherworld, and I feel like if they’d given it a little more time to shine, we could have seen some truly scary things in there. As it is, a lot of the frights before that part of the movie are jump scare variants. Admittedly, a lot of them are really good and you won’t see them coming, but still. I will admit that in this case, it’s probably a good thing that they spent most of the movie building up the story and characters.

My second gripe is the ending. Considering that the rest of the movie feels pretty fresh in a fairly stale genre, the ending is all too predicatable and stands out as nothing more than a hook on which to hang their sequel. Then again, I did just literally ask for more otherworld shenanigans, and I suppose the sequel is giving me exactly that. Or at least, that’s what I’m expecting from it. The reviews are not great, but I find that I almost always enjoy movies that I go in wanting to enjoy. And that’s really the secret. That and my “don’t poke holes, just enjoy the ride” mentality.

At the end of the day, I went into Insidious expecting another paint-by-numbers haunting movie, and came out very pleased at the direction it ended up going. It’s not a renaissance for horror movies by any stretch, but it tries earnestly to do its own thing, and I can dig on that. I highly recommend you check it out if you’re big on the genre in general or a specific affinity for old-school horror.

Be excellent to each other

I received this in my work email inbox on Wednesday afternoon, and I’ve never wished anything harder than that I was the one responsible for it. Alas, I only dream of being able to come up with anything so radical as this.

I was inspired to draw this thing though.

Don’t ask me how I went from Bill & Ted to Sixteen Candles. My mind works in mysterious ways.

How to Train Your Animatronic Dragon

As a rule, I don’t go to a lot of live events, or shows, or whatever you want to call them; things that generally take place in an arena or stadium and the tickets for which cost somewhere upwards of expensive. I’ve been to a few concerts in my time, but they aren’t a thing that really matters to me. I love live music, but going to concerts is low on the priority list. Even lower on my radar are any other kind of live shows, be it Cirque du Soleil or a play or anything else of the sort. While a live experience is always neat, not many of those things are really within the realm of my interests.

With this in mind, I was reasonably wary when my parents offered me the opportunity to go the the How to Train Your Dragon Live Spectacular, Stage shows have never been my thing, and I’d never even seen the How to Train Your Dragon movie, so the odds were more or less stacked against me as I went in.

After the fact though, I feel like the me in this timeline needs to build a dimensional portal so that I can travel into other timelines in which Alternate Ryans did not go see the How to Train Your Dragon Live Spectacular, and punch them in the biscuits. If that doesn’t make sense to you, of if you’d prefer a tldr version: I loved the show. For anyone interested in all the other deets, read on.

Continue reading How to Train Your Animatronic Dragon

A post full of thoughts in no logical order

Wow, its been a while since my last post. Not a record by far, but almost two weeks is a long time in the current TE era. I’ve been pretty good about slapping something up every few days for some time now, even if it’s just a dumb photo that I found entertaining for a few fleeting moments.

In an effort to start getting though my gigantic backlog of books – Wait what? Books? Yes books. I have a lot of them, but I haven’t read most of them. Anyway, I’ve decided I want to read more, so this week I’ve been making an honest effort to always have a book with me on the bus. Whether I’ll keep going once I’ve finished my current book, I don’t know, but here’s hoping!

The lack of blogging around these parts can be attributed mostly entirely to Pokémon White 2. Obviously. I blame Game Freak for working in a rather extensive achievement system. For every objective you clear, you’re presented with a medal, and when you get so many medals, you get a rank up. It’s not actually deeper than Xbox achievements or PS3 trophies, but the fact that the game makes such a big deal out of the medals makes them that much more appealing to collect. Too bad some of the requirements are completely ludicrous. Check out the list here.

I’ve been working on a big new post over the last little while. I think it’s going to end up being this month’s article, if just to fill the hole. Unfortunately, it is about video games. But it’s a little different in that it’s something of a history lesson with a little review packaged in for those interested. I don’t know. It’s not something I care about enough to link to on my Facebook page or anything, but it’ll have to do.

I’ve been reading Monster Planet this week, the last of a trilogy whose first two parts I’ve already talked about at length. I said that I thought Island and Nation would make great movies, because both of them are pretty briskly-paced and feature a fairly original take on the zombie genre. However, Planet takes it up to eleven and goes into full-blown crazypants video game territory. Now, instead of the occasional smart zombie who can control the mindless masses of undead, there is a whole cadre of liches, each with a unique magic power. It’s gotten kinda ridiculous, but I’m already two-and-a-third books deep, might as well git ‘r done. Full write-up coming soon!

Speaking of spooky things and video games, I’ve begun playing Silent Hill 2 again to half-assedly get into the spirit of Halloween. I thought I was going to do it right this time, playing alone in the dark, but I messed that up. Since I’m playing the HD Collection edition, my experience is being totally controlled by achievements, and as such my current playthrough has been paired with some extensive map-making and step-by-step instructions on how to get through the game as quickly as possible. At the very least, by the time I’m done with it, I’ll have become a master of the game.

I borrowed my brother’s copy of Cubivore to round out my October gaming palette. While the camera is awful and the overall experience is a little shallower than I’d hoped, I think it’s good enough to slake my thirst for Tokyo Jungle. For now.

Have you watched the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon yet? It’s fairly good! Not quite as good as the new TMNT comic series, but it’s definitely worth watching. I will admit that I’m a little disappointed that its demographic skews considerably younger than the 2003 TMNT series. I blame Nickelodeon. Though I suppose the best way to revive a franchise is to make sure it’s what all the li’l kids want for Christmas. A world where Turtles are plastered on every damn thing again would be a world I’d love to live in.

Xbox Minecraft got a big update recently, which is enticing. The price didn’t get cut though, so I’m still not buyin’ it.

I’m bad at getting into the Halloween spirit. I haven’t watched a single cheesy 80’s slasher flick yet. I feel like I’m failing pretty hardcore as a nerd. The Wife is forcing me to take her to Paranormal Activity 4 this weekend though, so I guess that’s at least one “scary” movie for the season. I just have trouble committing myself to 90-120 minutes of uninterrupted watching.

I don’t have nearly as much trouble watching TV or Let’s Play videos. Over the last two weeks I have watched both seasons of Better Off Ted, most of Arrested Development‘s second season, and Brickroad’s Metal Gear LP. Ted is… well, it’s okay. I enjoyed it as much as I did because it co-stars Portia de Rossi and Andrea Anders, both of whom I find very funny. The list of actresses (or even actors, it’s not a sexist thing) I really like is pretty short, but those two are definitely on it. It should be obvious that I much prefer comediennes to “serious” actresses. I also love the way de Rossi pronounces the word “anything.”

I don’t think there’s anything else relevant I can say so that I can add another tag to this post.

Oh, wait! New Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate trailer? Oh Hells yes!

More like “Retardedbution”

The Wife and I went to see Resident Evil: Retribution last weekend. I don’t think I’ve ever said “What the F?” so many times during a single film.

Yeah, it was pretty much as retarded as can be. And not retarded in an awesome way like Lollipop Chainsaw, but retarded in a “how did anyone think this was a good idea?” kind of way. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who liked the four previous Resident Evil movies, and went into the theater pretty excited for the next chapter.

The movie opens right where the last one left off, with Alice and a bunch of no-names on a huge boat and Umbrella…jets? I don’t know how do describe those things. Umbrella flying vehicles surrounding them. Only, it starts at the end of the scene, and the opening credits are set over the “battle” on the ship being played in reverse slow-mo. This is not a bad way to do your opening credits. Kind of artistic, but nothing super-original. The only problem I have with this is that Chris and Claire are on-screen for about three seconds and then vanish forever. They are nowhere else in the movie. It’s right after this scene that things go to Hell.

The opening credits are immediately followed up by Milla Jovovich spending ten minutes or so giving a rather thorough summary of the first movie, and then bits and pieces of the three sequels that preceded this one. Kind of odd that they spend so much time talking about the first one instead of the fourth film, Resident Evil: Afterlife, but it turns out to be foreshadowing, so I guess it’s okay. What’s not okay is that they just spent ten minutes of our movie summarizing the entire series up to this point! I know it’s Hollywood and they have to assume that all moviegoers are idiots, but geez. Once you’re in the fifth installment of a so-so action-horror franchise that’s (very) loosely based on a video game, you’re pretty much only attracting the people who’ve seen the other movies and need closure.

Then, then they have the gall to show us the boat battle. Again. In normal speed and not backwards. Again, you’re just doing this for the morons who didn’t understand the slo-mo-rewind version that they just saw ten minutes ago. There’s no need to show this scene a second time! We got it!

After that, there’s a “dream sequence” that does serve as more foreshadowing, sort of, but is still not entirely necessary. If you’re keeping track, after the opening credits are done, roughly the next half hour of movie is a big waste of time. Why could this time not have been spent fleshing out the plot a little better? Maybe instead of telling us stuff we (should) already know and showing duplicate scenes and a stupid dream sequence, maybe explain a little bit about the damn viruses! That’s actually really important and not something that has been discussed at all since the second movie!

I’ll take a little rage break to educate those of you who haven’t followed the games, and don’t know the Resident Evil virus lineage. The first movie starts with the T-Virus. This is accurate, and discussed at length in the first two films. It reanimates the dead, and has a mutation effect on most species, which gives us things like lickers and Nemesis. This is uncomplicated and without being nitpicky, it can reasonably carry us all the way to the end of third movie, Resident Evil: Extinction. But then in Afterlife, suddenly the zombies start sprouting Plaga tentacles and we encounter an Executioner. What’s that? What’s a Plaga, you ask? The Las Plagas parasite is introduced in Resident Evil 4, and genetically improved in Resident Evil 5, which is where the creepy mouth-tentacles come from. It’s also the reason why the “zombies” are now able to retain their intelligence and move at increased speeds: they’re not zombies, they’re giant bugs puppeteering the corpses of their human hosts. This is never explained in the movies, and you could have hand-waved it as a T-virus evolution until Retribution.

There are two points in this movie where the Las Plagas are mentioned by name. One is quick and subtle enough that you’ll miss it if you don’t know what it means, but the second is made a very big deal at the climax of the film. Never, ever, does anyone explain what the Las Plagas are, or where they came from. More infuriating still is that none of the Plaga hosts transform at any time. They just remain super-powered humans, though all but one look like vampires from Buffy. It’s not that this isn’t plausible, but it’s a huge waste of an opportunity! In a movie that’s about special effects and gruesome creatures, why wouldn’t you have the cool bug-monsters sprout out of their host bodies? (Big spoilers follow, highlight to read) More annoying still is that the main character who is injected with a Plaga ends up being eaten by the “Plaga Undead,” as the movie calls them. This is completely retarded, and makes absolutely zero sense. Plagas are supposed to have a hive-mind thing going on. They know damn well not to eat one of their own. Aargh! I understand that the movie series is taking some creative liberties with the franchise, but not explaining important plot elements is bad. It flies in the face of proper world-building and is just sloppy movie-making. I’m sure the rest of the entries in the series have their own problems like this, but none were nearly as noticeable to me.

While a lot of Retribution was pretty hard to watch, there were some good elements! They were named Ada Wong, Leon Kennedy, and Barry Burton. Three very awesome fan-favourite game characters that have only finally made their debut in the movie franchise. I have to especially hand it to the casting director, because Bingbing Li is a dead ringer for Ada, though maybe ten years younger. The costume designer is clearly a fan of the games too, because Leon and Barry’s outfits were spot-on to their game incarnations. At least to someone who doesn’t pay a huge amount of attention to costumes. Barry had his trademark red vest, and Leon had his super-swank jacket and shoulder-knife. Perfect.

All was not good surrounding these three though. The dude who played Leon very obviously had some issues with the awful dialogue, and his delivery on a handful of them were almost as bad as the writing itself. Then there’s Barry’s big part in the escape scene… you’ll know it when you see it, and you will either groan the biggest groan ever or actually hurt yourself because  you facepalmed so hard. I did the latter.

In conclusion, Resident Evil: Retribution has a few more issues than any of the other movies in the series. And I’ve got a pretty high tolerance for crap like this. It’s got some ups, a lot more downs, and an elephant-sized licker for some reason. The only reason you should see this movie is, like I said earlier, if you’ve seen the other four and need a little closure. Oh, but you won’t get that anyway because they all but said “stay tuned for the sixth one!” at the end. Yeesh.

Nostalgia trippin’

Hey, so does it mean you’re old when just the air can cause waves of nostalgia to wash over you? Because I’m totally getting that right now. It’s been a beautiful fall day, and the first real one as far as I’m concerned, because it’s just got that feeling to it. I love this weather, and it brings back memories of everything I’ve ever associated it with. I have no way to properly convey these feelings in words, but I can feel them in my heart and I need to get them out somehow, so I kept a running list of every memory that came back to me today because of the cool autumn air. Here’s what I got:

  • Trick-or-treating in general
  • Beating Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes for Nintendo 64 one Halloween night
  • Playing Silent Hill for the first time
  • Daily visits to the Heath Sciences Center
  • Watching Criminal Minds on Stephanie’s laptop in my car
  • Guitar Hero 5
  • Visiting a small corner store downtown that smelled like curry, and buying Pepsis at said store which also smelled of curry
  • Treehouse of Horror
  • YTV’s Dark Night specials
  • McDonald’s Halloween McNugget toys
  • Driving around with the family to look at Halloween houses
  • That old McDonald’s Halloween cassette tape. “Spooky Sounds” or something of the like?
  • Pokémon Silver Version
  • The beginning of Christmas madness at Toys ‘R’ Us
  • Donkey Konga
  • Traipsing through yards covered in crunchy, fallen leaves
  • Finally earning my driver’s license
  • Purchasing my first car (I still love you, Spirit)
  • The beginning of hockey season, and all those dreadful practise sessions
  • Carving jack-o-lanterns
  • The last family trip to Fargo
  • Chasing a bunch of egg-chucking hooligans down the street while dressed as the red Angry Bird
  • Playing Rock Band 2 at a Halloween party, and my sister-in-law commenting at how intense I looked while I was playing
  • Creating the alias “Tito Sanchez” for reasons I cannot recall
  • Going to a corn maze and haunted house with a group of friends, and being thought of as a goofball (not in a good way) by the females of the bunch.
  • Playing Magical Starsign in the upstairs storeroom of Toys ‘R’ Us instead of working
  • My brother’s friend Brent dressing as a woman for Halloween, and being called “Brenta” for many years afterwards
  • Not giving out free cookies to trick-or-treaters at Tim Hortons
  • Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, for some reason. I don’t know why, because I never played that at Halloween time
  • Pillsbury cookie rolls, with pumpkins coloured into them!
  • Enjoying those cold, foggy mornings where nobody’s around and silence abounds
  • The many times I said I’d participate in (or at least check out) a zombie walk, but never did
  • Pumpkin pie
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • Specifically, “This is Halloween”

Terrible Monster Costume from the Haunted Sea

It wasn’t long ago -in my second-to-last article in fact- that I proclaimed my love for campy old monster movies. Really, I’m a huge fan of the “drive-in movie” regardless of whether they contain monsters or not. Creature features just seem to be the dominant sub-genre in this case. Any why wouldn’t they be? Cheesy monster movies just work better when you’re huddled up in your car, out in the blackness of the night. You’re much more vulnerable and secluded that at a theater or in the safety of your own home. Not that most of these movies were ever frightening, but the setting definitely added to the movies’ atmosphere.

I don’t know for sure if the average drive-in screen is really bigger than your run-of-the-mill movie screen, but just by merit of it being out in the open, being forced to look up at it, it sure seems bigger. Maybe it’s because most of my drive-in experiences took place when I was about as tall as an Ewok. Anyway, whether it’s really bigger or not, putting a monster up on that big screen makes the monster seem bigger too, greatly enhancing the flavour of the film. Also, add a pinch of salt and a sprig of basil. Delicious!

Not that I’ve ever had the true drive-in movie experience. By the time I was old enough to understand complex concepts like “movies” and “the drive-in,” the golden age of cinema was long over, and with it the drive-in movie. By that point they didn’t make (nevermind show) movies like Phantom From Space or War of the Worlds anymore. No, when I went to the drive-in, I got to see stuff like Batman Forever and The Phantom. That said, going to the drive-in was definitely more about the experience than the movies for me.

Continue reading Terrible Monster Costume from the Haunted Sea

So laaazy

You know, I’ve had a new movie review sitting around for over a month now, but I have no idea how long it will be until I post it. It was originally supposed to go live in July. And it’s pretty much done, too! The bulk of the writing is done; I still have to go back over it to do a little spellchecking and other fine-tuning, but the words are essentially done. The thing that I’m stuck at it getting some screengrabs.

Normally, that’s the part I’d do first. I’d watch a movie/show, and then go back and take a few shots of important part, and then write the article around those. This time I did all the writing first, and the way that I wrote it calls for a lot of images. And not just the basic screengrabs either! No, I worked myself into a corner full of photoshops and collages. I suppose I could go over the article and edit the parts that call out images I don’t want to take/create, but at that point I’m cheating the reader of a fuller experience. Oh, what a world.

It’s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s just that taking screenshots o a movie is dull and tedious. Making sure I printscreen jsut the right moments, making sure everything is sized and named properly… It’s boring.

This is sort of similar to the reason why my Monster Hunter Let’s Play is stalling. Playing Monster Hunter is one of my favourite pastimes, and talking about Monster Hunter comes in at a close second, so in that case I’m mostly blaming Camtasia. With sprite-based games, I can set it to record and then just have at it as long as I need, then stop when I feel like the session is done and do a little chopping to make everything nice and neat before I produce it. Monster Hunter, being a PS2 game, I guess eats a ton of memory while being recorded. If I go over about 15 minutes of footage, it stops recording sound and just replaces my narration and the game’s audio with a horrible extra-loud static track. So I have to time myself to make sure I don’t record too long, find a suitable spot to pause, and then wait while to video is processed, then wait twice as long while the video is saved to a file. The processing/saving part eats up all my PC’s resources too, so I can’t do anything else with it while I wait. Then I have to do the usual editing, which is not terrible, but annoying after all the other hoops I’ve had to jump through to get that far. Especially if I screwed up the timing and have to fix the sound problems. And then, then I have to hope that while it was paused for Camtasia to do all its things, that my PS2 emulator hasn’t crashed. That’s happened twice now, and it’s even worse than when the audio breaks, because not just footage is lost, but actual game progress. This was the worst project I’ve ever started.

But that movie review? It’ll be done… maybe this weekend. I don’t know. Maybe that’s what I’ll do with my Friday night.

Mass Review Time – Honeymoon Edition

Internet, I have a problem. I’m addicted to Fargo.

Maybe it’s not so bad as addiction, but the summer trip south to Fargo has become a tradition that I can surely not break free of. I need it. I need it so bad that I managed to convince my now-wife that it’s where we should spend our honeymoon. So maybe it is bordering on addiction. I’m not a psychiatrist, I don’t know these things. Surely there’s a better way I could have started this article.

As usual, the trip was mostly to get away, relax, and just be together for a few days. And from what I’m told, that’s mostly what a honeymoon is about too. So to that end the voyage was perfectly successful. Of course we also spent a buttload of money. Like, way more money than we were even allowed to spend while down there. By some random stroke of luck, the amount you’re allowed to spend when crossing the border increased on the day we came home, so we didn’t have to pay duty on what we spent over the previous limit. It’s the first time crossing the border was a truly pleasant experience.

To that end, I should note that this is by no means a complete list of things I bought in the States. I’ve obviously excluded anything The Wife bought, because this website is about me me me me me and God forbid I give anyone else more than a passing mention. I also spend a bit on a few little house things and some clothes that I don’t feel are nearly interesting enough to write about. On that note, let’s take a look at exactly what I judge to be “interesting.”

Continue reading Mass Review Time – Honeymoon Edition