It’s the only way

I had big plans to get some suff done around the site and at home during the weekend, but unfortunately, I made a decision that will probably take over my life for a good while to come. You see, on Friday afternoon, I started playing an MMORPG. MapleStory, to be precise. I’ve never been overly enthusiastic about even trying an MMO, never really seeing the point, but I got sucked into MapleStory really quick. With it’s unbelivably cute sprite graphics and simple platformer gameplay, it was a temptation that a gamer like myself can only resist for so long. I mean, it’s not get-up-and-call-everyone-you-know fun or anything, but you just can’t get away when you’re so close to that next level or just need another five grand for that sweet new armor. I now understand how people’s lives crumble while playing these games. Fortunately, my wireless network (which is made mostly of LEGOs and bubblegum) isn’t 100% stable, so it goes out for a minute now and then and kicks me off the game, which is actually a really good thing in that it keeps me from playing obsessively.

So in conclusion, I say give it a shot. It may not be super complex or all the rage like World of Warcraft, but it’s a fun little game, and will eat away the hours really quickly (if you need something for that purpose). I play on Cassiopea 2 if you do decide to try it out (or already play). Keep an eye out for RyanDS and maybe we’ll do that party thing people are always talking about.

Ready, steady, never look back

Sunday. Article day. Yeah, I copped out a bit, but I have my reasons. I’ll be posting better stuff in the next couple weeks. Gotta go back now… Almost have enough for that new armor…

EDIT: Had to make a little change in my article. Actually, it was a rather sizeable change. I was just sitting here and realized that I’d missed something. Well, it’s fixed now, so it’s back to the grind for me. I’ll explain tomorrow…

Mass Review Time: Episode 2

Well, I really shouldn’t have to explain this again since it’s basically the same article I ran two weeks ago, but I do it every time for Chat Radio. What a sucker I am…

*Ahem* To get back to the point, this is simply a bunch of short reviews of various goodies I bought/obtained during the past week. I add “obtained” in there because in all honesty, there’s one item here that I didn’t pay a cent for. You’ll understand just why that’s such a good thing once you get that far. So that’s the summary done, I guess we’d better get to the real task at hand then.

• Item #1 – The Bachman/Cummings Songbook

If the world was more like Metal Gear Solid, my entire family would have had funny little question marks floating over their heads when they learned that I bought this. I’m willing to bet everyone else on the face of the earth would too. Fact is, I often wonder how well people think they know me. I’m not an overly complex guy, but certainly if even my family – people who interact with me every single day – couldn’t forsee me buying this CD, they obviously don’t know me too well, and I doubt anyone else does then. Oh well. Not that I’m complaining about it. I like having an air of mystery.

That said, the CD rocks. I’d review it myself, but I’d basically just be saying exactly what this review says. And I’m not one to plagiarize outside of homework.

That review does end with a question though, and I have an answer for it: Matthew good. Score: A+

• Item #2 – Wonder Showzen season 1

A while back (presumably around the time the show started airing), the Mask started posting clips from a show called Wonder Showzen. Based on the name, at first I assumed it was some quirky Japanese show, but no. Turns out it’s an MTV spoof of Sesame Street. Or something like that anyway.

In any case, I really enjoy the show. It’s not top-tier stuff like Robot Chicken, but the two shows do have their similarities, such as being completely random and often quite offensive. The “main” skits are usually pretty funny and off-the-wall, and all the crap in the middle is great, like “Beat Kids” which has a kid dressed up as a reported asking people about dumb stuff (EX: asking “how was it?” as people leave a park restroom). The biggest problem I have with it is that the Clarence bits are funny, but tend to drag on and get annoying. Oh well. Also, the show can be… erm… insensitive towards those who are… weak of stomach. It’s nothing you won’t be able to handle if you’ve seen the dreaded “Tubgirl” image and lived though. Nowhere near that level of gross. Score: B+

• Item #3 – Some kind of shrink-wrap removing dealie

As I was paying for my junk at HMV, the girl at the checkout suggested that I pick up one of these little things. She said it was for getting the shrink-wrap off CDs and DVDs and whatnot, and since it was only $1.50 and I hate shrink-wrap and she was cute, I decided to pick it up. I think I used the word “and” waaaay too much in that last sentence there.

I put the thing to work right away, opening my new wares. However, being the dumbass I am, I couldn’t get this overly simple contraption to work. Nope. Took me a good five minutes to figure the thing out. I really shouldn’t have told you that, but I really don’t have much else to say to fill this space. I guess mentioning that the thing works wonders is good way to do it though. Score: A+

• Item #4 – Free Indie-crap CD

I am many things. Slow, thick-headed, dense, witless, etc etc. I’m also a penny-pincher and a pushover, and both traits play a large role in this acquisition. You see, the checkout girl at HMV I mentioned just a little earlier also offered me this “sampler CD.” I knew damn well that it was a trap and likely filled with horrible music, but when put on the spot like that, and being the floor-mat I am, I also knew damn well that I was screwed. Luckily, she quickly added that it was free. Breathing a sigh of relief, I agreed to take one, and all was good.

The CD is pretty much garbage. I’ve only heard of one of the bands (Pilate, who are featured on the front), and I can’t say I’m going to worry too much about learning more about any of them. None of the songs are really bad per se, but almost all entirely forgettable, with the exception of Donovan Frankenreiter’s “Move By Yourself” which is way too funky not to like. Pilate isn’t too bad either, but at best, they’re a less boring version of U2. Score: C-

• Item #5 – Hawksley Workman – Live in Lille DVD

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping score at all, but I’ve been listening to all sorts of music outside my normal range as of the last few months, and hawksley Workman is one of the artists that I’ve really gotten into. He’s a Canadian indie rocker, and though I may have come off as critical of indie music in that last little CD review up there, this guy is really awesome.

I don’t usually buy music DVDs, even shows. In the past, there are only two that I’ve made exceptions for: Queen – Live at Wembley, because that’s like the greatest show ever performed, and HIM – Love Metal Archives Volume 1, because HIM rules. Now I’ve got a third, kind of a spontaneous purchase, but a good one nonetheless. I haven’t seen many live shows in my time, but I’ve listened to many live CDs and seen a lot of shows on TV, so I have a good appreciation of the general rule that bands either suck or rock onstage. At least I’ve never seen anyone do a middle-of-the-road performance. Anyway, Hawksley live is good stuff. He seems to have a little trouble getting all the words out, but I’ve seen many that have the same problem. He still puts on a good show, and I’d recommend this DVD to any fan. Score: B+

• Item #6 – Compaq Optical Mouse

Recently, I was able to restore my personal computer to working order. It was quite a process, as that thing was seemingly screwed up beyond repair. Now that it’s in a better way – and beefed up with a new video card to boot – I’ve been putting it to good use as a gaming PC. Not that I play many PC games, but I need to use the damn thing for something.

Sadly, most of the games I play put a pretty strong emphasis on having a scroll wheel on your mouse, and my old mouse just couldn’t afford me that luxury. So I went out and picked up a cheap optical mouse. It’s pretty darn neat for a mouse too, as it’s all mini-sized and intended for a laptop. The scollball thing doesn’t work nearly as well as a real scroll wheel though. It seems to have something against scrolling down, but applying a little force gets it back in line (just like women!). That little bug aside, it works well, and I really like the tiny size. Also, my simple mind is totally amazed by the little dongle it comes with so you can plug it into a normal mouse port instead of USB. Good thing too, because my USB ports are always full… Score: A-

• Item #7 – New Super Mario Bros

I’ll give it to you straight: If you liked any Super Mario Bros game before this, chances are that this is worth buying a DS for (this and all those other awesome DS games). But seriously, I haven’t played a video game this good since Super Mario World (because I like Yoshi’s Island and Mario 64 a little better), and I think that says a lot, because I play a hell of a lot of video games. It’s got all the charms of an old Mario game, and does so much awesome new stuff that I couldn’t even begin to describe its greatness in three paragraphs.

First of all, it’s clearly an homage to the games of yore, and a much better homage than simply porting those games. If you give it a shot, New Super Mario Bros will immediately win your heart. From the total lack of story (the princess is captured, Mario must save her) to the unnerving difficulty of some levels and obstacles, this game just oozes Super Mario. The 2D/3D look of the game is incredible, and makes use of some great effects, like morphing entire landscapes under your feet and growing Mario and enemies to gigantic size or shrinking them down to a size similar to that of one Edward Elric.

As you may have heard, there is a bit of an overabundance of extra lives. The game is tough, so you’ll be putting them to good use, but I doubt anyone with even a little skill will ever run out. The other small issue is that it opts to use that damned Bowser Jr over and over where the Koopa Kids would clearly fit very nicely. Dammit Nintendo, you need to listen to the fans more carefully! Do you know how happy we were when they showed up in Superstar Saga?

Anyway, Score: A++

That’s it for this week. I’m sorry I cooped out and did another mass review so soon after the last, but I’d just bought so much stuff that it would have been a waste not to do it. You know what? This apology is really more suited for the ol’ blog. Yeah. I’ll just wrap it up here then.

I’d never have a fear

I don’t really have anything to post about, but I do have a little somethin’ for ya…


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A chance to grab the newest Coozy For Hire wallpapers a whole week before those who don’t bother to read my blog! These are brought to you by my extreme pride in the latest CfH comic. The big one looks a little stretched, but do you really look that closely at your wallpaper anyway? But enough of this crap, I have to go buy me some New Super Mario Bros! (Make sure to click that link, they’ve revamped the site big-time.)

TE’s mortal enemy – The Boyfriend

If spending the better part of my life playing video games and watching TV has taught me anything, it’s that everyone everywhere has a nemesis. A mortal enemy, a lifelong foe, a not-so-friendly rival. It wasn’t many years ago though, that I realized that I had no such foe. I thought about it a little and after some research, found that everyone I knew did (at that point in time at least) have a rival of their own. This made me feel a bit left out, and it was really getting me down.

There was clearly only one solution: find my own enemy. But who could this person be? I was pretty sure that you don’t just point out your mortal enemy as the next person that walks by. It couldn’t possibly be that simple. Sadly, after a many great yet failed attempts at earning myself an enemy, I was left right back were I started, with nothing but friends. I was beginning to feel that it was hopeless and that nobody would ever dislike me. So for the time being, I gave up the chase and forgot about it. It was the only way I could press on and live a close-to-normal life.

Little did I know that only years later, I would not only encounter my mortal enemy, but I would also learn that having my own foe is not all the fun it’s cracked up to be. No, as fate would have it, I was matched with a rival that is not only competent, but even smarter, handsomer, and (somehow) more charming than me as well. Enter: the boyfriend.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’ve probably all encountered this enigma of a person at least once before. He does well in letting the rest of the world know that he’s a conniving little asshole, so you’ve probably taken a bit of a disliking to him. Amplify that disliking by a hundred trillion jillions and you’ve got how much I hate him. Just think of it this way: he doesn’t even harbour any real hatred toward you. He’s my mortal enemy, and that just makes it that much worse for me.

The boyfriend is a cheeky little bastard, never failing to get in my way and keep me from my goals. He slips in unnoticed and then once my guard is down he appears and serves me a big plate of defeat, often turning others against me during the process. He seems to always be two steps ahead of me, and I’ll never be able to understand just how he does it. It’s not like he follows me around to learn where he needs to be ahead of me next. Besides, even if he did, I always keep any information that he might use against me to myself. It’s all stored in my head, I never write anything down, and rarely even talk to others about such things. But the fact that he still manages to one-up me at every turn can only lead to one conclusion: he’s psychic.

This could cause me my biggest problem yet, because there’s no way you can beat a psychic rival. They know every move you’re going to make, and there’s no way you can stop them. I looked up information on psychics, and since the world is pretty convinced that they don’t exist (fools), there was no listed way to defeat the crafty bastards. I, as resourceful and brilliant a chap as I am, have only been able to come up with two possible solutions for this problem. Since he bases his strategy on learning my thoughts and getting one step ahead of me, the best option would be to think things that will throw him off the trail. That way, I can keep the boyfriend from getting ahead of me and charming others into working against me.

The only other option for me is to… wait. You’re probably reading this now, aren’t you Mr. Boyfriend? Well I may have slipped up and revealed one of my plans to usurp your position, but I’ll not be foolish enough to type the other. Ryan never makes the same mistake twice. Not in one day. Your jig is up, you big smelly doo-doo head. I’ve got the key to nullifying your psychic advantage, and once I work on my people skills, you’ll have very little to hold over me. I will become the better of us, and then I’ll never be defeated at your hands again. Your days of taking everything that should rightfully be mine are over.

The boyfriend has proven to be a worthy enemy, and to this point has made me almost regret ever wishing for a rival of my own. While I detest him for all his victories over me, I do appreciate that my losses have taught me to be more aware of him, since his sneakiness has been key to his victories. I don’t know what the future has in store, but I warn the rest of you to be careful. Once I do find the key to defeating him, he will most likely find that I’m too good an opponent for him, and he may move on to haunt another poor individual. All I can say is to keep your guard up, and make sure you have a widespread intelligence network so that you can keep tabs on his dealings at all times.

It’s been a long year

You may have heard a really high-pitched sqee of joy echoing around the world last night around 12:45. Yeah, that was me, after watching the Super Smash Bros Brawl trailer. I was already pumped for Wii due to the last two days of E3 coverage, but once I saw SSBB – and subsequently that Solid Snake would be a playable character – my head nearly exploded. Anyone who knows me remembers what I was like waiting for Super Smash Bros Melee to come out, and to them, I say that it’s gonna be like 20 times as bad this time around. HOLY FUCK I NEED THAT GAME NOW. With any luck, we’ll see some more playable Konami characters (like Django), and better Wii support from Konami than they gave the GC.

In other news, I was going to get me some breakfast yesterday, and I opened the pantry to an odd surprise. You see, up by where the cereal sits, there was a bag that looked mysteriously like a bag of dog food. I was bamboozled, but then took a closer look and saw that it was, in fact, cereal.

Surely, you can imagine that from the side, it does bear a frightening resemblance to some sort of pet food and I’m not just a moron. But anyway, it was cereal, and quite the cheap-ass cereal to boot. They can’t even afford to package it in boxes. I’d like you to note right now that the cereal seems to be of an Australian theme, what with the “Mateys” and the kangaroos (named “Cool Blue” and “Li’l Oaty”)down on the corner there. This will come into play right after the next picture.

Now you get a look at the marshmallows. While the front of the bag would lead you to believe that the “Mateys” in the title was just some kind of butchered Australian catch phrase (they do just say “mate”, right?) because of the kangaroo, the cereal is, in fact, pirate-themed. Now what kangaroos and pirates have to do with each other, I have no idea. Perhaps whoever was running the package design had really bad short-term memory, and forgot what theme he was supposed to be going for? Maybe Malt-O-Meal is just run by idiots? Their website people seem competent enough. Maybe it’s just the package designers.

Wait… No. I’m the idiot. Upon closer inspection, the kangaroo is just their mascot that they tack onto every cereal. I wish I hadn’t looked up that website. That point was like the bulk of this post…

The other thing of note about the cereal is that they claim to taste just like Lucky Charms. Now it may be just because I’m a cereal connoisseur, but these things taste nothing like Lucky Charms. The oaty bits are nowhere close to the right taste, and the marshmallows, even though all cereal marshmallows taste the same, taste completely different as well. So boo to you and your false advertising, Malt-O-Meal. Boo to your dumb name too. And your poorly designed bags. Damn things rip apart rather than opening.

In conclusion, Marshmallow Mateys suck. They don’t taste horrible, but I’ve fostered enough distaste for Malt-O-Meal in the fifteen short minutes it took to write this that I’m going to say that all their products suck. Each and every one of their rip-off cereals (which are probably all touted to taste the same as the name-brand stuff).

Bring a rhythm and a chorus

I’ve been trying my damnedest to remain impartial to “the competition”, but as of today, I officially hate Sony. Why? Well, yesterday they announced that their Playstation 3 “Dual Shake” controller will have a tilt sensor. They razzed Nintendo when they revealed their “Wiimote” controller last year, and now they’re essentially trying to steal the idea because it’s been the most talked about thing since it was unveiled? That’s just plain despicable. What a bunch of dumb fucks.

On the other hand, as it turns out, the Wiimote is going to have a speaker in it to play local noises. So far the only example is how in Zelda: Twilight Princess (to have separate releases for Wii and Gamecube), an arrow’s sound goes from the Wiimote’s speaker to your TV’s speaker as it gets further away, but it seems like a really neat feature. It’s no VMU, but it’ll add a nice extra layer of depth if used properly/enough. Okay, now it’s back to E3 coverage for me. Catch ya later.

The price of freedom is getting steep

E3 starts tomorrow, but I’ve got something else on my mind at the moment: Guitar Hero 2. A couple days ago, the first few tracks in the game were revealed, which got me thinking about which songs I’d like to see. So with the revealed tracks ignored, here’s my dream track list for Guitar Hero 2 (Not necessarily in order of difficulty, but arranged in such groups).

Tom Cochrane – Life Is A Highway
BTO – Takin’ Care Of Business
Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band- Roll Me Away
Span – Baby’s Come Back
Colin James – Chicks and Cars

Styx – Blue Collar Man
Firehouse – Lover’s Lane
Journey – Line Of Fire
The Doors – Peace Frog
Poison – Look What The Cat Dragged In

Motley Crue – Kickstart My Heart
Tesla – Don’t De-Rock Me
Story of the Year – Wake Up The Voiceless
Matthew Good – North American For Life
Guns N Roses – My Michelle

TSOL – Everybody’s A Cop
Headstones – Cemetary
Heart – If Looks Could Kill
Kansas – Carry On Wayward Son
Loverboy – Hot Girls In Love

Harlequin – I Did It For Love
Nazareth – Razamanaz
Kiss – Psycho Circus
Rush – Closer To The Heart
Van Halen – Unchained

Thrice – The Artist In The Ambulance
Trooper – The Boys In The Bright White Sports Car
Def Leppard – Rock Brigade
Whitesnake – Here I Go Again
Lostprophets – A Million Miles

Note the inclusion of more than one Canadian band. At least Rush is confirmed for GH2.