TE’s mortal enemy – The Boyfriend

If spending the better part of my life playing video games and watching TV has taught me anything, it’s that everyone everywhere has a nemesis. A mortal enemy, a lifelong foe, a not-so-friendly rival. It wasn’t many years ago though, that I realized that I had no such foe. I thought about it a little and after some research, found that everyone I knew did (at that point in time at least) have a rival of their own. This made me feel a bit left out, and it was really getting me down.

There was clearly only one solution: find my own enemy. But who could this person be? I was pretty sure that you don’t just point out your mortal enemy as the next person that walks by. It couldn’t possibly be that simple. Sadly, after a many great yet failed attempts at earning myself an enemy, I was left right back were I started, with nothing but friends. I was beginning to feel that it was hopeless and that nobody would ever dislike me. So for the time being, I gave up the chase and forgot about it. It was the only way I could press on and live a close-to-normal life.

Little did I know that only years later, I would not only encounter my mortal enemy, but I would also learn that having my own foe is not all the fun it’s cracked up to be. No, as fate would have it, I was matched with a rival that is not only competent, but even smarter, handsomer, and (somehow) more charming than me as well. Enter: the boyfriend.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’ve probably all encountered this enigma of a person at least once before. He does well in letting the rest of the world know that he’s a conniving little asshole, so you’ve probably taken a bit of a disliking to him. Amplify that disliking by a hundred trillion jillions and you’ve got how much I hate him. Just think of it this way: he doesn’t even harbour any real hatred toward you. He’s my mortal enemy, and that just makes it that much worse for me.

The boyfriend is a cheeky little bastard, never failing to get in my way and keep me from my goals. He slips in unnoticed and then once my guard is down he appears and serves me a big plate of defeat, often turning others against me during the process. He seems to always be two steps ahead of me, and I’ll never be able to understand just how he does it. It’s not like he follows me around to learn where he needs to be ahead of me next. Besides, even if he did, I always keep any information that he might use against me to myself. It’s all stored in my head, I never write anything down, and rarely even talk to others about such things. But the fact that he still manages to one-up me at every turn can only lead to one conclusion: he’s psychic.

This could cause me my biggest problem yet, because there’s no way you can beat a psychic rival. They know every move you’re going to make, and there’s no way you can stop them. I looked up information on psychics, and since the world is pretty convinced that they don’t exist (fools), there was no listed way to defeat the crafty bastards. I, as resourceful and brilliant a chap as I am, have only been able to come up with two possible solutions for this problem. Since he bases his strategy on learning my thoughts and getting one step ahead of me, the best option would be to think things that will throw him off the trail. That way, I can keep the boyfriend from getting ahead of me and charming others into working against me.

The only other option for me is to… wait. You’re probably reading this now, aren’t you Mr. Boyfriend? Well I may have slipped up and revealed one of my plans to usurp your position, but I’ll not be foolish enough to type the other. Ryan never makes the same mistake twice. Not in one day. Your jig is up, you big smelly doo-doo head. I’ve got the key to nullifying your psychic advantage, and once I work on my people skills, you’ll have very little to hold over me. I will become the better of us, and then I’ll never be defeated at your hands again. Your days of taking everything that should rightfully be mine are over.

The boyfriend has proven to be a worthy enemy, and to this point has made me almost regret ever wishing for a rival of my own. While I detest him for all his victories over me, I do appreciate that my losses have taught me to be more aware of him, since his sneakiness has been key to his victories. I don’t know what the future has in store, but I warn the rest of you to be careful. Once I do find the key to defeating him, he will most likely find that I’m too good an opponent for him, and he may move on to haunt another poor individual. All I can say is to keep your guard up, and make sure you have a widespread intelligence network so that you can keep tabs on his dealings at all times.

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