You may have heard a really high-pitched sqee of joy echoing around the world last night around 12:45. Yeah, that was me, after watching the Super Smash Bros Brawl trailer. I was already pumped for Wii due to the last two days of E3 coverage, but once I saw SSBB – and subsequently that Solid Snake would be a playable character – my head nearly exploded. Anyone who knows me remembers what I was like waiting for Super Smash Bros Melee to come out, and to them, I say that it’s gonna be like 20 times as bad this time around. HOLY FUCK I NEED THAT GAME NOW. With any luck, we’ll see some more playable Konami characters (like Django), and better Wii support from Konami than they gave the GC.
In other news, I was going to get me some breakfast yesterday, and I opened the pantry to an odd surprise. You see, up by where the cereal sits, there was a bag that looked mysteriously like a bag of dog food. I was bamboozled, but then took a closer look and saw that it was, in fact, cereal.
Surely, you can imagine that from the side, it does bear a frightening resemblance to some sort of pet food and I’m not just a moron. But anyway, it was cereal, and quite the cheap-ass cereal to boot. They can’t even afford to package it in boxes. I’d like you to note right now that the cereal seems to be of an Australian theme, what with the “Mateys” and the kangaroos (named “Cool Blue” and “Li’l Oaty”)down on the corner there. This will come into play right after the next picture.
Now you get a look at the marshmallows. While the front of the bag would lead you to believe that the “Mateys” in the title was just some kind of butchered Australian catch phrase (they do just say “mate”, right?) because of the kangaroo, the cereal is, in fact, pirate-themed. Now what kangaroos and pirates have to do with each other, I have no idea. Perhaps whoever was running the package design had really bad short-term memory, and forgot what theme he was supposed to be going for? Maybe Malt-O-Meal is just run by idiots? Their
website people seem competent enough. Maybe it’s just the package designers.
Wait… No. I’m the idiot. Upon closer inspection, the kangaroo is just their mascot that they tack onto every cereal. I wish I hadn’t looked up that website. That point was like the bulk of this post…
The other thing of note about the cereal is that they claim to taste just like Lucky Charms. Now it may be just because I’m a cereal connoisseur, but these things taste
nothing like Lucky Charms. The oaty bits are nowhere close to the right taste, and the marshmallows, even though all cereal marshmallows taste the same, taste completely different as well. So boo to you and your false advertising, Malt-O-Meal. Boo to your dumb name too. And your
poorly designed bags. Damn things rip apart rather than opening.
In conclusion, Marshmallow Mateys suck. They don’t taste horrible, but I’ve fostered enough distaste for Malt-O-Meal in the fifteen short minutes it took to write this that I’m going to say that all their products suck. Each and every one of their rip-off cereals (which are probably all touted to taste the same as the name-brand stuff).
