From the desk of Funk Master R. Valentine

There are tons of fun little tests and things to do on the internet, like quizzes to see how you rate in certain areas, “what [series] character are you?” tests, and plenty of different kinds of funny name generators. The Ninja Name generator at Ninja Burger for instance. The latest one I’ve come across is at If you’re just reading and not clicking links as you go or didn’t bother to look at the picture, it’s a pimp name generator. My pimp name, it’s pretty sweet. I should probably go by it from now on. It’s a little long, but meh. Oh, and if you try it out, you can keep clicking for different names if you don’t like the first one you get. This was the first one I got, but I kept clicking, and the rest were kinda weak.

So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time over at the Mists of Avalon Online message boards. It’s run by a friend of a friend, who just happened to have a mention once before on the site, sometime back in early November. It’s a much more populated forum (about 40 members), and it’s much more lively than my own. And by that, I mean there is activity there. So yes, I’ve been whiling away some time over there, and if you don’t already know of it, I suggest you check it out. Especially for my great views on things such as video games, literature and abortion. Go! sign up! I need more people to form a sort of forum posse.

Okay, third paragraph, video game time. Resident Evil 4 has been challenging the limits of my patience, with some tough areas and annoying as hell fish. Not that they’re attacking me or anything, but you can kill fish and take them as food. Currently, the only populated body of water is the lake, and I have to kill them with harpoons, and well, you take it from there. It’s interesting that the game progresses in chapters, unlike the other games. I guess it’s just a way to gauge how well you’re doing rank-wise, because they show you your accuracy, kills and deaths at each between-chapter save point. I’m on chapter three now, and I’ve fought two great bosses; one really easy, and one slightly tough (killed me five times). Now it’s nighttime, and the evil people are getting more numerous, and evil wolves have started appearing too. They are really hard. I’m not going to ruin the plot, but as far as I can tell at this point, the enemy is aliens. It only makes sense. That or it’s an underground Umbrella splinter faction that’s using a new type of virus thing. I haven’t a clue, but now the president’s daughter is following me around everywhere, and the villagers keep trying to steal her. Oh yes, and now they throw pitchforks as well. It’s getting really hard, and I’m lovin’ every minute of it. Whoo Loverboy.

Doom 3 doesn’t work so well on my PC. It runs, but when it loads rooms, it starts slowing down rather harshly. But at least it’s a good enough game to see past the occasional slowdown. While there isn’t any action in like the first 20 minutes, there are so many cool little things to see and do, it’s mind-blowing. Then again, I already knew that. I played it once before, but never bothered to mention. Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude didn’t go over so well. First of all, it was in Spanish, a language in which I have not been schooled, and it bugged out right after the opening scenes. Those scenes were rather interesting though, as the graphics were pretty sweet, and the background music was Motley Crue’s “Girls Girls Girls”. I’ve been looking for an English version torrent, but haven’t had any luck so far. Please, internet, don’t make me buy this game. I know it won’t be worth paying money for, but I still want to try it out.

Finally, I have to start getting pissed at Capcom right now. In both Rockman.EXE 4 and Rockman Zero 3, thre were E-Reader features. I searched for and bought an E-Reader specifically for these games. But in the North American versions, those features were gone. I as, as they say, was cheezed. But not so badly, as they didn’t really do anything spectacular. BUT – Rockman.EXE 5 also has E-Reader support. it will probably be removed from the NA version again, and this is where they’ve gone too far. One of the coolest features in the game, dubbed “Forte Cross Rockman”, is only attainable by E-card. It’s not important to the game, but Forte is awesome, and a Soul Unison (stop me if I’ve lost you) with him is like the ultimate dream of EXE fanpeoples. Not to mention, it’s better than a regular Soul Unison, because it doesn’t up and go away after three turns. So yes, urge to kill rising and such. They had better leave that E-Reader crap in there this time, and possibly include the card in the game box so I don’t have to buy a kajillion packs looking for the damn thing. All that, and they’ve delayed the release of the GBA MegaMan Anniversary Collection again. Capcom, you’re really cutting it close these days. Funk Master R. Valentine isn’t going to take this much longer.

Blood is life

As I mentioned yesterday, I recently downloaded and watched the movie “Nosferatu”. But before we begin, I must make a clarification. This version of the film is a newer version. Made in 1979, it is based on the 1922 silent film, which is in itself based on Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula. What separates this film from the older one is mainly sound, colour, and character names. I would have liked to watch the 1922 version (as well), but this one was all I could find. Being somewhat interested in monster legends, I figured I would be interested in such a film. Indeed, I was interested, but it really turned out to be a mixed bag.

The main plot of the movie is based around three central characters; Jonathan Harker, his wife Lucy, and Count Dracula. Jonathan is sent on a trip to sell a house to the mysterious Count. Dracula becomes enamored with Lucy when he sees her picture in Jonathan’s locket. He then seals the house deal, bites Jonathan, and travels to the town of Virna to claim his house and his new love. The plot is pretty straightforward and easy to follow, but it takes a long time to set things into motion. If you were to cut out all of the artistic filler and montages, the entire movie would probably be cut from almost two hours to about 40 minutes. The movie itself is interesting, but all of the “blank space”, as I’m going to call it, makes it boring to watch through. I watched half, then had to take a break out of sheer boredom. And for the most part, it doesn’t get to the real good stuff until it’s over halfway done.

And how about the characters? Well, our heroes are kind of annoying, actually. John is just annoying in the traditional sense, but Lucy is like something straight out a Shakespeare tragedy. The whole movie I couldn’t stop thinking of how this is like something you would watch in a high-school English class if it weren’t so obscure. But more on that later. There’s this one chracter, Renfield, who is Dracula’s servant, and he’s just so obviously insane that it’s funny every time he’s on-screen. Not to mention near the end, he’s dressed up almost exactly like the Joker, just without the green hair and makeup. One of the other heroes, Dr. Van Helsing, doesn’t even make his real appearance until near the end of the movie. This isn’t a bad thing, as until the final scene, he’s quite a pompous ass.

Count Dracula, obviously, is the real show-stealer. He not only looks rather creepy with his ghostly white complexion and long fingernails, but the way the character is played out, you almost want to see him win. And I was quite surprised (though I shouldn’t have been, he’s freaking Dracula) that while he looks so old and frail, he can lift objects that look quite heavy and sprint around town with the best of them. And the absolute greatest scene in the movie is when he enters Lucy’s chamber while she brushes her hair. We see her doing her thing in the mirror, and the door behind her opens. Only, there’s no-one there. As you probably know, vampires don’t have reflections, but the shadow was cast on the wall, creating a really cool effect, and scaring the shit out of Lucy. It wasn’t as impressive as some of the special effects they do these days, but I liked the scene pretty well.

The other great scene is right at the end, after the Count is killed (again, I was surprised that he just started convulsing violently and died stiff, rather than burst into flames or something), Van Helsing goes and finishes him off, coming downstairs to some dude and the last town worker. The dude insistes the town worker arrest Van Helsing for killing the Count (which nobody knew was the bad guy), but the old town worker keeps saying he can’t, inciting a dialogue that brings to mind the antics of Monty Python. It was quite hilarious, and the ending scenes are all rather funny, in a stange twist of genre.

Like I said before, this is the kind of thing you might watch in a high-school English class, were it not so obscure. It just seems like that kind of movie. There are a bunch of religious references, and a lot of artistic things that teachers would just love to quiz their students on. It was way better than “the Crucible”, that’s for sure. I wish they didn’t bother having every book students read have to be some kind of social commentary. I’d like it if they just went and picked a good work of fiction that really didn’t have anything to do with anything, but still had enough depth and subtext to learn something from. But in any case, “Nosferatu” was a decent movie. I recommend you watch it, but take some ritalin first, or just be ready on the fast-forward button, as the first half is really slow and doesn’t do much but set up the rest of the plot, much like “The Fellowship of the Ring” does for the other Lord of the Rings books/movies. Heck, after the first half, the main character even shifts. Craziness, I say. But it was way freaking better than the last movie I downloaded – “The Village”. That was just awful.

So there you have it. You can find the torrent over at Go for it. I believe it was worth my time to watch, if even only for the ending scenes. Now it’s really just a hunt for the old 1922 version. Make sure to tell me if you ever find it somewhere. Oh yes, and the December archive is up as well.

*DONG* 5 days remain

Because for the next indeterminable period of time I’ll be waaaay to busy with my new baby and a couple new games coming out this week, I’ve decided that I should leave you with a little something to look into while I’m gone, so here are a few websites that you might want to check out and start reading or whatnot. Go ahead. You might like them.

Rockman.EXE Online – I’ve linked to stuff on it numerous times, and I figured why the hell not do it again. Great site if you like the Rockman.EXE anime, and it’s got a lot of cool features like episode summaries and fanart galleries (including stuff by me!).

Weebl’s Stuff – There’s a link to the Weebl and Bob site on my sidebar, but you’d be a fool to not take a look at all his other stuff. Internet legends like the Kenya video originated from this very place. Plus many other great Flash animations. Badgers badgers badgers badgers. Mushroom! Mushroom!

Sprites Inc. – Everyone loves sprites. Especially MegaMan sprites. OK, not a very interesting site unless you need MegaMan sprites, but since it’s in my favorites and I’ve used said sprites many times, I’ll give it a lil’ shout.

Channel 51 – A cool conspiracy-type site. Go ahead, read through it, and watch the videos of aliens and stuff. There’s a few neat stories and stuff, but not an overwhelming lot, so you could probably read through it all in an hour or less. I suggest doing so.

Orbis Labs – OK, not sure how to explain this one. Just check it out and stuff. Like the link above, it’s kind of up in the air, but they’ve got a pretty neat idea. Seems a little farfetched though. People morphing into armored balls…

eBaum’s World – An all-around entertaining site. It’s got videos, games, soundboards, and all sorts of other junk that’s good for whiling away the time. Like Newgrounds, but with a lot of the extremely bad stuff weeded out. And not based around Flash.

b3ta – I’m pretty sure I’ve linked to this one before too, but it’s worth a second time around just for the constant flow of photoshop hilarity on the main page. Plus all the great videos and games. A real haven for those into cyber culture.

MilkandCookies – Ummm… Yet another humour-based site. Mostly with videos and other things of interest. I’ve really just the same as most of the other links I’ve given, so I can’t think up anything original to say.

You’ve got red on you

My reviews of “Dawn of the Dead” and “28 Days Later” were rather sparkling, so you know that I quite enjoy zombie movies. The gore, the paper-thin plot, and watching the characters fail hopelessly at making it through alive are all fundamental parts of any zombie flick. Lately, they’ve been changing the formula around, making for zombies that aren’t really zombies, but star athletes and spies that just happen to have a hunger for human flesh. And not since the Evil Dead trilogy have we seen a funny zombie movie.

But “Shaun of the Dead” has got it all. Being a parody, it was bound to be funny, but I never quite realized the true potential funny that it had. “Shaun of the Dead” is straight-up, stripped-down, kickass Hilarious. In between all the zingers and fart jokes are some genuinely amusing sight gags and other stuff that I’m not sure how to categorize. It’s a movie that other movies should look up to. Not since “Goldmember” have I seen a movie that kept me laughing almost the whole way through.

And for the other standards, how does “Shaun of the Dead” stack up as a zombie parody? Well, there’s gore. Not boatloads of it, but when you do get to see blood and innards flying about, it’s absolutely beautiful. The plot is great and you can really relate to it, but more on that in the next paragraph. All the characters are rather realistic. I mean, most of the time, the heroes are regular joes, but this bunch of loonies, they set the regular joe standards. Our hero, Shaun, works in an electronics store, and his roomie is a fat, unemployed bum who just plays Timesplitters 2 all day long. Oh, and having Timesplitters 2 in the movie was really awesome. Best of all, the zombies in this movie are actually zombies! None of this running around and being smart crap we’ve been getting lately. These are your good old-fashioned, stumble-around-slowly, fooled-by-impersonators, hungry-for-brains, dead-if-decapitated zombies. It’s nice to see they’ve not been forgotten with all the new Hollywood zombies around.

The plot in this movie is just excellent. It all starts with our hero Shaun getting a lecture about needing to change his ways from his girlfriend, Liz. You see, they spend pretty much every night at Shaun and Ed’s favorite pub, the Winchester. She’s sick of it, and wants him to take her somewhere nice. So the next day begins and you really get the impression of how tedious his life is. Short version of this day’s events: he goes to work, blows it with Liz, gets drunk and is left without a hope or a girlfriend. The next day, he does the exact same morning routine, but it’s his day off, so he heads home when he’s done with his errands. Only you’ll notice that while Shaun’s actions don’t change at all, the scenery does. He doesn’t even notice, showing how repetitive his life it, and that he pretty much goes through on autopilot.

So he gets home, and then the rollercoaster of laughs really gets going. Ed discovers a girl in the garden and the two go to find out why she’s there. At first, they think she’s drunk, but then they accidentally impale her on a pipe or something, and when she gets up, they realize they’ve got a problem. Then a fat zombie shows up and they run inside. From the TV, they find out what’s going on, and they learn how to kill the zombies: by destroying the brain or decapitating them. So, they got back outside and huck everything from old records to pottery at them. After exhausting their supply of throwables, they get a paddle and shovel and just beat the zombies into submission. And I’ll tell you now, this scene is positively hilarious. The banter between Shaun and Ed is gold, and the fact that they don’t really seem phased at all considering that they’ve got two zombies in their back yard is great.

After their close encounter, Shaun resolves to go save his mum and Liz, and take them to the safest place he knows: The Winchester. And I’m not going to give away the rest of the story, because you need to see this movie. It only goes uphill from this point on, although the first encounter scene is really hard to top. Again, you need to see this movie. I loved it, and I am definitely going to buy it when it comes out.

If there is anything at all I can complain about, it’s that unlike most movies where they pick of one or two characters every once in a while (depending on the size of the cast), in this movie they pretty much get it all over at once. Really, once the first of the team of six goes, the rest will shortly follow. Sorry for the little spoiler, but I was a little annoyed at how it played out. Seriously, I think they all die within five minutes. It just ain’t right. But on the upside, all the death is followed up by a spectacular ending with more than a single twist. Oh boy, it’s great.

So yeah. There’s my review of “Shaun of the Dead”, currently competing with “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” for the title of best movie I’ve seen this year. It was awesome, and it had everything I need to enjoy a movie and then some. Sadly, there wasn’t any nudity, a strange twist because most zombie movies have at least one breast in them, but that’s neither here nor there.

“Boo!” and such

As you can see, I’ve slightly altered the site to look more in the spirit of the Halloween. I don’t really have any Halloween-type articles or reviews in line, but I’ll see what I can dig up. I’ve got almost a whole month, so it should be enough time to get at least one spooky bit of writing out there. I do have a review for a zombie movie in mind, and that’ll be done on Thursday. Why Thursday? Because I like writing on Thursdays. While you’re waiting for me to pull something out of my ass, make sure to visit I-Mockery and X-Entertainment for all your ghoulish needs.

As for work, it gets a little better every day. I’m becoming more accustomed to actually serving people and understanding those accents that just aren’t made to be understood. I’m also finding myself to be happy while I work (which I never expected), particularly in the last couple hours when the people I’ve made friends with start working. And on a similar note, being the naive and hopeless kind of guy I am, I’m very confused about some recent events. Can anybody tell me if I’m charming at all? Do I have what it takes to make someone particularly enjoy my company? Would it be an accurate statement if someone were to to call me handsome (I’m still pretty sure it was jokingly though)? I once thought I was totally undesirable, but now I’m very, very confused… But you don’t want to hear about this crap. It’s sounding too much like a real blog.

Now, let’s see. What kind of entertaining spiels can I come up with on the spot? Oh yes. Much like I would, I bought a couple of the MegaMan NT Warrior action figures. (You must realize that it’s the collector’s spirit. I don’t actually play with these toys.) They’re of solid construction, and have some neat features. The only problem is that there is one little point of articulation missing in the arm that just skews the glory of being the ultimate toys that they would have if the elbow were there. On the upside, they look awesome posed on my dresser along with my other MegaMan toys. Oh yes, and they all came with battlechips, which makes the little PET game so much easier. If you’re into collecting toys, or you’re a fan of the blue bomber, I totally suggest you pick up a couple of these guys. Sure, they don’t look quite as cool as some of the Spider-Man figures out there, but you just cannot resist the awesomeness that is ProtoMan.

Lastly for today is something very important to me. I don’t remember if I’ve ever linked you to them before, but you should totally go to OC Remix and download The Atomizer and Haunted Hell. Easily two of my favorite remixes ever, and they blend in perfectly with the season. So yes, that’s going to be it for today. I really need some new concluding phrases. These ones I’m using are getting real stale.

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure

First of all, if you’re actually reading this, I salute you, as some people might have skipped it just because of the subject in question. And that makes me unhappy, because Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is a great movie. I can remember always enjoying Pee-wee’s Playhouse, and damned if I’m going to shun something just because of indecent exposure. But that aside, let’s get to the review.

Like I said, I really loved Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, and just like with the Goonies, I watch it every time it’s on TV. It’s just one of those great adventure-type movies that never really gets old. All those funny one-liners and 80’s slang is infinitely entertaining. Plus, it stars Pee-wee Herman, possibly one of the greatest victims of extreme quirkiness ever.

I guess a film review wouldn’t be very complete without a bit of a plot synopsis, so here we go. As our movie starts, we get Pee-wee doing his morning routine; eating a breakfast of Mr. T cereal, watering the lawn, and going for a ride on his bike. We’re also introduced to the yang to Pee-wee’s yin, (at least, I think that’s the term. In any case, Pee-wee’s sworn enemy,) Francis. This fat freak is more or less the main villain of the flick, so feel free to hate him as soon as you see him. After failing to be convinced to sell his bike to Francis, Pee-Wee goes on his way.

He gets to the mall, stops by a magic shop to pick up some supplies and then heads to the bike store to get his custom bike horn. Dotty, Pee-wee’s friend and a worker at the bike shop, stops Pee-wee for a chat, and tries to convince him to take her on a date. But like me, Pee-wee just can’t confine himself to one woman, so he (rather ungraciously) declines and leaves, only to find that his bike has been stolen! Now this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but Pee-wee’s bike is clearly the alpha male of bikes.

In a state of mixed panic and anger, Pee-wee rushes to accuse Francis, and opens our first scene of horror. Now Francis just happens to be having a bath when Pee-wee arrives, and that is a very, very bad thing for our eyes. While he is wearing a bathing suit, his form is much less than appealing, and we have to watch it blubber around for far too long. Though the scene does have some comedy value, it’s almost disturbing in its own little way.

Since Francis didn’t have the bike, Pee-wee realizes that he’s gonna have to seek some help, so he calls a meeting of all his friends. When they prove to be no help, he winds up at a fortune teller’s place, and she tells him that his bike is in the basement of the Alamo. This sparks the beginning of Pee-wee’s big adventure, and my, is it a big adventure.

The movie is full of everything, and doesn’t cut any corners. There is plenty of hilarity, and a lot of action to boot. Pee-wee meets a wide variety of people, including an escaped convict (he cut the tag off a mattress!), a ghostly truck driver, a wannabe-French waitress, her insanely jealous boyfriend, a hobo, and plenty of other outrageous characters. The fun never ends in this movie, but there is one scene that is really farking scary.

When Pee-wee is walking down the highway in the dark, he gets picked up by a suspicious trucker. She calls herself Large Marge, and tells Pee-wee the story of a horrible trucking accident. The mood at this point has gone far from child’s comedy and gotten downright creepy. And then to top it all off, Large Marge scares the living crap out of Pee-wee and me, by turning into this horrible claymation monster. Sure, it doesn’t sound scary in words, but the first time I saw it I had nightmares for all too long, and every time I’ve seen it afterwards I left the room until I was sure the scene was over.

Okay, maybe I’m making a much bigger deal of this than I should have, and maybe it’s not all that scary, but it was damn horrendous when my age was still a single digit. Come to think of it, this movie is a whole year older than me! I never realized that until now. Odd… But anyway, RoG at I-Mockery thinks is pretty damn freaky too, and people respect him more than me, so… so yeah!

But back to the rest of the movie, as far as I can remember, it’s a far cry from the show, mostly because Pee-wee spends almost no time in his house. It’s quite sad, I can’t remember even a guest appearance by Chairy. And what is the secret word? We may never know… While Pee-wee’s dog Speck was in the movie, he only got a little bit of on-screen time. But to be completely honest, all I can really remember of Pee-wee’s Playhouse is the little parody thing they did on Family Guy.

At least we still saw a lot of Pee-wee. That’s why anyone would watch the movie. Honestly, who could not want to be like him? He’s quite literally a grown man living the life of a child! Think about it for a moment, and if you can think of a better way to live life than acting like a kid, having no job (but still mysteriously getting income), eating Mr T cereal, and having the bike that everyone else wants, you’ve got one Hell of a problem.

I should also mention that there are quite a few special guest appearances. My personal favourite was Twisted Sister, but also on the list are big stars like James Brolin and Godzilla. Actually… I think there was only one other, but if you wanna know for sure, just look it up or watch the movie and read the Special Guest Stars list in the credits.

Now as for memorable scenes, the best one is easily the bar dance, where Pee-wee is caught by a biker gang and is given one last request. He uses it to pop a coin into the jukebox, grab a pair or dance shoes, and then rocks out to “Tequila”. His dance wins the collective affection of the gang, and they send him out on his way on a motorcycle, only to have him crash into a signboard, resulting in absolute hilarity.

Another scene you’ll more than likely take notice of, is when Pee-wee is chaining up his bike outside the mall. The producers obviously missed a little something, as Pee-wee pulls a very long chain out of a compartment that obviously couldn’t hold it, and when they zoom in on the box, you can see the chain being fed into the bottom of it. Sure, it’s unintentional funny, but it’s one of the parts I remember best.

So in the end, Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is one Helluva movie. Unless you still harbour some kind of grudge against Paul Rubens, I can’t see a way that anyone could not enjoy this movie. It quite literally has a little something for everybody, and it’s a lot of fun. I’d buy it, but I just don’t do that kind of thing. You on the other hand, I advise you to at least try to catch it next time it’s on TV, cause it’s definitely worth your time. Especially if you can’t sleep and want something to do. A+

The Good Stuff:
  • It’s Pee-Wee
  • Classic 80’s humour
  • I pity the fool that don’t eat Mr. T Cereal!
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • It’s Pee-Wee
  • Large Marge will GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES
  • I don’t eat Mr. T cereal…
  • Cap’n Crunch’s Choco Donuts

    They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I eat breakfast maybe 2 times a month. And that’s if I’m lucky. Maybe now that school is out I’ll be able to eat breakfast more often, seeing as I don’t have to get up and leave anymore. Really. School starts at 8:50, I get up and have a shower at 8:15, we leave at 8:30 and it’s a fifteen minute drive since we have to drop my brother(s) off as well. There’s absolutely no time in my morning for breakfast. Of course, you’re probably thinking that I could just wake up earlier, but I like my sleep, so to Hell with you.

    Anyway, there’s been a plethora of different breakfast foods invented over time. Some making less sense than others, and some being much more loved than others. Honestly, I don’t think any meat (except for bacon) should be ingested before noon. It just doesn’t seem right. As for more loved than others, I haven’t encountered one person in my lifetime of introvertness that doesn’t love waffles. Everyone loves waffles, Eggo or otherwise. But the thing is, making waffles is a long and sticky procedure, and frozen waffles generally don’t come cheap. These factors make them a more rare breakfast food, possibly adding to the love.

    But waffles are not today’s topic. Oh no, I’m going to delve into the realm of cereal. The most notorious of the food groups is also probably the biggest. There are literally billions of different types of cereals. And while most are the same things in different packaging, the sheer amount of cereals can make choosing one a long and arduous task, especially to those inexperienced in the field of breakfast-eating. Luckily for me, I am quite experienced in that particular field even if I don’t eat breakfast on a regular basis. So here we go.

    I’ve tried pretty much every cereal out there. Well, to make that sentence a little more accurate, every cereal over here in Canada. Those damn Americans get so much more cereal than we do. But the goodness of the US exclusive stuff is kinda iffy. They’ve got Cookie Crisp and Coco Puffs, but they also have to put up with more varieties of that bran crap. We had Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles, but I think around the time they turned into flakes was when we stopped getting them. And that change is more than enough to make me stop liking them.

    Today, though, I’ve picked up a new variation of an old favorite. Or a few days ago anyway. There’s a new Cap’n Crunch cereal on the market, and I figured that with the backing of such a famous cereal mascot, it had to be good. Cap’n Crunch is a rather large staple in the world of breakfast, producing the original Cap’n Crunh, Crunchberries, and Peanut Butter Crunch. But now he’s got a new trick up his sleeve. The Cap’n’s new cereal has taken a turn from corny bits to chocolatey circles. Enter Choco Donuts.

    I’m working up to the good part, so I’ll start with a good look at the box. As we can see here, the Cap’n seems pretty happy with his newest creation. Though, soon enough, you’ll discover that the Cap’n is very, very wrong. Of course, they look really good. Little cereal donuts with sprinkles. How could that possibly go wrong? Did you ever try the Simpsons Cinnamon Donuts cereal? Donuts are one of the many foods that do not translate well into cereal. At the top right corner, we can also see that these little buggers are only available for a limited time. Trust me, in some cases, especially this one, the words “limited time” are a Godsend and not a curse.

    Next we see the back of the box. There’s so much stuff going of here that I had to take several pictures of it just so that I could make fun of it all. At first glance, it seems to be some kind of assembly line. But if you look closer, you’ll see that it’s not regular assembly line. It’s an assembly line that forces children with a very loose grip on the English language to work day and night for not money, but Choco Donuts. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve found our new Nike. And I always thought of Cap’n Crunch as more of an upstanding citizen. Every day I find out that I’ve been living another lie.

    Look at that smug face. I bet he thinks that he’s gonna get away with this. Sure, he’s making it seem all nice and inviting us to his factory, but one day we’re gonna realize that nobody has ever come back from this “tour”. I wonder if he turns them into more slaves or if he just kills them all. Hmmm… If you look at the next picture, you’ll see that there’s a huge boiling vat of “chocolate”. I bet that’s where he puts the tourists. Yup. It seems like the general evil plot. Only one person can save us now. Only one person has enough power to defeat this evil Cap’n. That person is Count Chocula. Save us Count! Save us from this horrible man who turns people into oversized chocolate donuts!

    Just further proof that Cap’n Crunch is working a factory of child slaves. Look at this poor boy. That Cap’n probably kidnapped him from his home country on one of his crunchberry expeditions. Not only was he only taught 3 debatable words, he also had to learn to say them in French. In an effort to make sure he didn’t sabotage the operation, they probably won’t let him learn any other words until the Choco Donuts campaign is over. And just look at that smile. How badly can you tell that there’s someone holding a gun to his back? If that isn’t a forced smile, people, I don’t know what is. And as for “Choc-O-Tize”, I think we all know that that comes nowhere close to an actual word.

    Oh the horrors! First he’s kidnapping little African children, and now he’s going after the mentally handicapped! That poor girl probably doesn’t even realize that she’s working for nothing but crappy cereal. She’s just so mesmerized by all the colorful sprinkes that she’s lent herself to a lifetime of pulling a lever over and over and over and over and so forth. And I thought “Choc-O-Tize” was pretty bad as far as bad made-up words go, but “Sprinkle-Tize” just takes the cake. Really! They couldn’t have gone with an existing word like “Sprinkle!” could they? Even a word describing the machine like “Sprinkle Cannon!” Would have worked better. Screw you and your made-up words, Cap’n. You’ll also notice that on the big green machine that it says “Chocolate Donut Taste Injector”, which couldn’t be more worng, as you’ll soon see.

    I think this girl is one of the Cap’n’s cronies rather than a slave. Look at her. She’s evil incarnate, I swear. “Wanna be Crunch-A-Tized?”. Come on, she’s pretty much asking if she can kill you right there. How can she not be evil? Now really, you have to wonder about “Crunch-A-Tize” as well. I’m pretty sure that the Cap’n has been using that one forever, but it’s still barely good enough to pass as a word. I guess if they added “bling bling” to the dictionary though, it’s not that far off. Dear God, what’s happened to this world? When did we go wrong? Everything seemed fine until those damn 60’s came along. I guess we’ve just been going downhill since then, and the pace is only getting faster. Yet another reason for me not to have kids.

    I also wonder about that machine. It somehow manages to break a giant donut into perfect little copies. Now I could see it happening if the machine was a little bit more complex, but it’s just a big metal doorway-lookin’ thing attached to a pole. How could it possibly accomplish anything, never mind cloning mini-donuts? And why does it seem to be zapping the donut? It’s a big freaking piece of metal! It’s not even a big magnet or ray gun, which are more often associated with the little cartoon zap lines. And don’t gimme none of that “it’s magic” crap either. Of all the things the Cap’n ain’t, magic is very close to the top of the list. Other things include: thin, smart, heterosexual, [opposite of pedophile], sane.

    Ah, the poor child thinks he’s getting just payment for his labor. Someone needs to go save these kids. Choco Donuts just aren’t good enough to replace money. Hell, they aren’t good enough to replace dog crap. “Sensass”? What the Hell is “Sensass”? I know my command of French isn’t exactly great, but I’m pretty sure that “sensass” isn’t a word. In any language. It’s probably something he was taught to say every hour so that the Cap’n would know it’s time for another …err… violation. Finally, I’ll point out that the cereal bits are not that big. Those things are the size of real donuts, not crappy little cereal donuts.

    Possibly the only slightly redeeming quality of this cereal is the fact that buying it gives you the right to a free Dairy Queen Blizzard. That quality is instantly nullified by the fact that it’s a Choco Donuts flavoured Blizzard. I suppose if you went and picked out all the cereal bits it would be fine, but if you ate it as it is, you’d have one Hell of a sore upper mouth. As we all know Cap’n Crunch cereals are famous for their upper mouth ripping ability, and I assume that when frozen, the shreddage would only be amplified.

    On the side of the box, there’s an advertisement for the Cap’n Crunch website. I bet the Cap’n taught toddlers to do HTML and forced them to make it in exchange for clean diapers. I’m not even gonna think about visiting that site. “Game Mania” just doesn’t strike me as something completely legit. I mean they didn’t even use a hyphen when it so obviously need to be there. And I like my desktop the way it is, thank you. Last time I played a Cap’n Crunch game I strongly considered killing myself and everyone within a [Earth’s diameter] kilometer distance. It was really bad. It was some kind of mix between Pokemon(Game Boy) and Decathlon(Atari). Both were awesome games, so you’d think mixing them would create a super-game of some sort. But no, it just led to mounds upon mounds of crappiness and wasted life.

    Now we get too the actual cereal. I actually think it looks good. Presentation counts for a lot less when it comes to cereal though, so it can’t save itself. Did anyone ever try those Oreo O’s? Well, in short, they taste about twenty times better than this crap, and they have the exact same taste as cardboard. I know this because in the interest of science, I have indeed chewed on cardboard. As I stated earlier, Cap’n Crunch cereals will maul the top of your upper mouth. Surprisingly enough, the Choco Donuts do a lot less damage than the original cereal does. Not to say that it’s not still a significant amount of damage, but at least the Choco Donuts won’t carry the taste of blood after a few mouthfuls.

    Look at that, the Jawa won’t even eat them. And you just know they’re bad when even a scavenger won’t eat them. Crap. Now that means that I’m gonna have to eat them. Personally, I think that they would have been better if it was normal Cap’n Crunch with sprinkles, or Crunchberries with sprinkles. In reality though, if these things do make their way into your home, let someone else eat them and then just eat the sprinkles out of the bottom of the package.

    Speaking of package, look at that. This thing is tiny beyond belief. And that’s compared to a normal sized box of Lucky Charms. Imagine how small it would look next to one of those mega-sized boxes of Raisin Bran. I guess cereal boxes are going the way of computer game boxes. But with cereal, it makes a bit of a difference. Strangely enough, this box of Choco Donuts lasted a whole 3 days in my house. Usually cereal lasts about a day at the most before the 4 of us finish it off. That really tells you how bad the stuff is. There might have been the fact that it was competing against the Lucky Charms, but for the sake of comedy, we’ll forget that detail.

    And that’s pretty much how it goes. In the ever-going battle for cereal dominance, Cap’n Crunch has lost a bit of his foothold with this little endeavor. I know that I’ve lost a lot of respect for the guy now that I know that he’s a big crook. As I said before, it’s a good thing that this is a “limited time” cereal. It’s certainly not fit to become a recurring part of anyone’s morning. What I don’t understand is why Apple Jacks always have “limited time” stamped on the box, yet they’ve been around for just under forever. Maybe I’ll tackle that mystery one day, but not today. Today I uncovered Cap’n Crunch’s big secret, and that’s enough work for a whole month when you’re me.

    I know that I was saying something about a new article in the news, but this isn’t it. There’s still another one coming up soon. Probably late this week. I’m not sure what my original forecast was, but now it’s end of the week. Damn it, I’m doing it again. Must try to stay on topic for conclusions! Aah!

    So in the end, the Choco Donuts really suck. Go get Shreddies instead. I love Shreddies. I love Shreddies so much that I did a speech about them back in in grade 9. It was great. We had this teacher who was really, really strict, and I made even him laugh. He tried to hide it, but he was practically rolling around on the floor. Ah, good memories. He taped it too, so if he hadn’t retired I would probably be able to track it down and make a transcript of it. But I think it would lose a lot of it’s comedic value if it was written rather than spoken. Oh well.