Articles – Page 13

Mate1 Hates You

Mate1.com is a big bag of sham. You know why? I’ll tell you why. But first, let’s hear the story about how this all came to be. Let’s face it, that’s pretty much all the material I’m gonna get out of this.

It was just another day, and I was going about my daily routine. Doing the same old things like sleeping in, playing video games, cooking, and surfing the internet. Our story takes place during that last one there, surfing the internet. It’s a common thing I do, and I can never get enough of it. If I lost the internet, I’d probably shrivel up and die within a week.

So anyhow, I love the internet and like I said, on the whole, I never get bored of it. It’s got unlimited potential, you see. But I do get bored if I use it for too long at one time. See, I have my daily rounds that I check (Gorillamask, The Sneeze, X-E, etc.), and once I’ve visited all those sites, I’m kind of out of ideas. I know there are tons of other sites that I could check out for entertainment, but for reasons unknown, I rarely do.

Now every site’s got their ad banners. At least a good 98 percent of them. I click on these banners every now and again, assuming they advertise something I find interesting, they manage to really grab my attention, or I’m just bored and don’t really have a next cyber-destination in mind. You’ve likely seen the Mate1.com banners floating around. They’re nearly everywhere. Now, Mate1.com is a website that I would normally never visit. But on that particular day, at that particular time, I just couldn’t resist the underwear-clad girls in the banners any longer and I clicked.

Upon clicking this banner, I was transported to a sign-up page that asked for my basic personal information. Since I was bored at the time, and really didn’t have anything else to do, I said to myself “This should be good for a larf” and started filling it out. I also have a compulsive need to fill out website membership forms, so that was a big part of it. Don’t know what it is, but I really enjoy filling out forms…

Before I get back to the story, maybe I should explain just what Mate1.com is, for those unfamiliar with the ad (I assume everyone who reads this site has a solid understanding of the internet, but just incase…). Basically, it’s an online dating service. Meaning you fill out some information, and they find a bunch of other user who either have similar interests as you or that fit that criteria that you search for. People can also do their own searches and end up finding you. It’s not an original site idea, but as I said before, the banners are everywhere and every man is likely to give in at one point, because they all feature pretty girls in their underwear.

Now I’m not overly interested in normal dating, and online dating ranks even lower on my list of things to do, but upon seeing how many little things Mate1 has for users to fill in, I was simply overjoyed. Again, I don’t know why, but I love fiiling out forms. So I got to it, and spent somewhere around half an hour filling out little tidbits of information about myself. I didn’t care if anyone ever read it, but it all got filled out. I even uploaded a couple pictures of my handsome self.

After everything was filled out, I became less amused with the site and, as I didn’t much care for searching for other people, I left and went on my merry way to see if Wii Fanboy had any new updates since the last time I checked (which was likely about an hour earlier).

Night came and went, and a new day was born. I woke up towards noon and hopped into my computer chair (after a few other, less you-want-to-hear-about-them events), as I usually do not long after I wake up. I signed into MSN Messenger (appearing offline, of course), and then booted up Firefox. About an hour into my rounds, Messenger notified me that I had received an e-mail from Mate1.com. Intriguing! Well, I’m not one to ignore e-mail, so I opened up my inbox and checked it out. As it turns out, it was notifying me that some 20-year-old fox had send an e-mail to my Mate1 account. Eager to find out whether they’d be constantly spamming me like this or if someone was indeed showing interest in my humble being, I clicked.

Then “tragedy” struck. I got this:

Yeah. Mate1.com is a jackass. Here I am, with an e-mail in my inbox, that could very well be from someone who may play an important role in my future (I highly doubt it, but I’m not one to write of any possibilities), and they have the gall to try to make me pay actual money to see it? I don’t think so! I may be a sucker most of the time, but I know a sham when I see one. If you’re gonna ask me to pay for something, say it right away. Don’t dangle goodies in front of my nose then snatch them away and tell me I can’t have them until I fork over some cash. No. Doing it that way just makes me pissed off and will make me less likely to give you money.

After giving the Mate1 “give us your money” screen a good flipping-off, I left the site, intending never to return. But then they came.

My [regular] inbox never saw them coming. It was the “someone has sent you a message” e-mails. They came from all directions. Usually two or three, maybe even four a day. My belief that they were simply spam to get me to pay was growing stronger by the message, but I still couldn’t give up on the small ray of hope that people were actually responding to my hilariously filled-out profile. I wanted desperately to, but I couldn’t. So I decided to get to the bottom of this. Since each e-mail came with a user name, it was a simple matter of looking up those users to see if they were legit.

Fortunately, all of Mate1’s search functions work just fine for free member, and even better, there was a nickname search! So I started copying screennames and pasting ’em into the search and seeing what happened. In the end, most of the profiles were either very legitimate or very well-faked. One person even e-mailed me twice, and based on my knowledge of past spam e-mail, that almost never happens. It looks like people are, in fact, trying to contact me. So to confirm this theory, I had to come up with a new plan.

My grand scheme was to place my real e-mail in my self-description box on my profile page, and if people really were reading through it, they would find that and then e-mail me directly, skirting around Mate1’s little tollbooth. A day passed, and there was no response, but I still got Mate1 alerts. I checked my profile to make sure I spelled it right, and low and behold, they had removed the e-mail address! to be fair, there was a warning saying that would happen, but I assumed that the admins were too lazy to follow up on it. Way to prove me wrong, Mate1. Way to prove me wrong.

My last bastion of hope was a tricky one. Since they wouldn’t let me directly write out e-mail addresses or links, I came to the conclusion that only one thing would work. I then proceed to suggest googling the words “Torrential Equilibrium” to anyone who reads the profile. To this day, the suggestion remains, and my plan… well I don’t know if it worked. If it has, nobody bothered to e-mail me after getting a brainful of my writing. I imagined that might happen.

So that’s pretty much how my struggle against Mate1.com has gone so far. At current, they’re leading about 2-1, but I’ll keep trying my hardest to find ways to get around paying them. Not that I really care about contacting anyone out there in internet world. I just really want to beat Mate1. You know what really drives me to it? The fact that women get to use all their services free. Yeah. That’s right. Chicks can send you messages all day, but they’ll never recieve anything in return because no man will ever pay money to use this service. Not only are they pissing off men around the globe, but they’re probably crushing all sorts of women’s hopes and dreams too by instituting a system where they’ll never ever get a reply to their advances. In conclusion, Mate1.com hates everyone.

But you know, now that I think about it, the joke’s really on them. I don’t have cheques or a credit card, so even if I wanted to pay them, there’s no way I could. But I’m not giving them a damn cent as it stands, so it doesn’t make a difference. The really fun part is that I jsut wasted like 20 minutes of your life making you read this dumb story that doesn’t go anywhere. That more than enough to keep me entertained. If ever I’m bored or sad, now I’ll just be able to sit back and think about how someone read through this entire article thinking it would go somewhere or be even remotely entertaining. Ah. Good times.

By the way, I know you’re itching to see it, but I can’t link to my profile because any link goes straight to the home page. You can try looking me up if you like, but I’m not going to give you any hints. You’ll have to use all the knowledge about me you’ve learned by reading this site over the years. Good luck with that. I’ve come to the conclusion from conversations with people that nobody retains any information they read here. That’s probably for the best though…

TE Top 10 – Funnest Video Game Moments

I don’t know how many times I’ve started an article with this fact, but I play a lot of video games. Perhaps too many, but not nearly as many as some of the real hardcore people. Why do I play video games? Mostly because they’re fun. At least, a good 40% or so are fun. The other 60% are licensed crap and RPGs (not a typo). Most of the good ones are fun in their own special way too, and that’s why it’s good to play a large variety; you never know what’s gonna amuse you next.

I’ve clearly taken it upon myself to make up a list. And not just any list, but a list of the ten absolute most fun things to do in video games. And while my ego does like to believe that my list is absolute, it is in reality only my personal list. You may disagree on some counts (as they’re somewhat sadistic), but I’m sure you’ll agree that most of them are in fact awesome, even if you wouldn’t put them on your own list.

To slim things down a bit and keep a little less bias about than usual, I’ve weeded out any ideas that are too general. Basically, I’m going to ignore entire games and multiplayer modes in general (for the most part) because let’s face it, the list would be Super Smash Bros Melee ten times over if I didn’t. Mind you, I didn’t spend a whole lot of time coming up with the list (only about two hours), but I think I got the essentials down. You should also take note that they’re not in any particular order, because there’s no way I’d ever be able to decide. So with the intro out of the way, let’s hop to it!

Smashing Opponents Into The Electric Fence

Game: Super Mario Strikers

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: While Super Mario Strikers is a ton of fun in general, there’s one thing that really brings it above any other Mario Sports title: the amount of mayhem. While a game of Mario Kart can get pretty heated, it’s nothing compared to Strikers. The explosions, the Bowser, the hitting. You could piss away entire games simply body checking any poor soul that makes the mistake of getting too close and still enjoy the game to pretty damn well near its full potential. The thing that makes this even better is that the pitch is surrounded by an invisible barrier. What’s so great about that? well when you hit an enemy into it, they find out the hard way that it’s coursing with a many million volts. If 10,000v is the maximum real world voltage for an electric fence, then this one is likely around a couple megavolts. Anyhow, I find this extremely fun not only in the fact that I’m frying my opponents good, but also because they always let out a very painful-sounding scream as the electricity courses through their bodies. I told you some of these would be a little sadistic.

Traditional Super Mario Games

Game: Super Mario Bros/Super Mario Bros 3/Super Mario World/New Super Mario Bros

Platform: NES/ARC/GBC/GBA/SNES/DS

Fun Rating: 9/10

Description: I really didn’t want to include entire games (nevermind a whole series) in this, and rather just elements of games, but it’s too damned hard not to give a mention to Mario platformers. They’ve always been the cream of the crop as far as video games go, and you can always play them over and over. Mario’s the most recognizable video game character ever, and with good reason. People all over the world were enchanted by Super Mario Bros and many still hail it as one of the best games ever, and when it isn’t mentioned, it’s usually replaced by SMB3 or Super Mario World. Not only were the games fun because of their simple and addictive gameplay, but also because they could frustrate the Hell out of even the greatest players. Not catching on? Maybe the words “Outrageous” and “Tubular” will get those synapses firing. Lastly, I won’t spoil it, but New Super Mario Bros has like the greatest final boss fight ever. At least for a side-scroller.

Being A Zombie

Game: Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without A Pulse

Platform: PC/XBox

Fun Rating: 7/10

Description: I knew right away when I heard about Stubbs the Zombie that I had to have it. Even though the game turned out very differently than I’d imagined while reading about it, it still pleased me to no end when I finally got down to playing it. I don’t think there’s been a video game that’s let you be a zombie before (aside from a couple power-ups or bonus-games), and my dream came true with Stubbs. Its a pretty linear game, and doesn’t afford you a lot of options (early on, anyway), but it’s incredibly fun. Stubbs can do all sorts of awesome things like eat brains and create a horde of zombies. You can even rip off people’s arms and use them to beat other bystanders to death. Nearly 100 times more fun than a boring ol’ baseball bat. Posessing humans is pretty nifty too, and I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of using Stubbs’ “unholy flatulence” move. The only thing that really brings the experience down is that the game occasionally forces you to play as a [posessed] human, and the death of that host means having to start the area over. All in all though, playing for the zombie team is about as good as it gets.

Rolling People Into A Katamari

Game: Katamari Damacy/We Love Katamari/Me & My Katamari

Platform: Playstation 2/PSP

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: I don’t know how many times I have to reiterate this: the Katamari Damacy series is the best thing to happen since opposable thumbs. The music is insane, the graphics are hilarious, and well, the gameplay was good enough to make me buy a PS2 (and maybe even a PSP, should it get a little cheaper). You’d never think that rolling things up into a ball would be as much fun as this, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t. And while rolling up onigiris and shoes is all well and good, the really fun part (at least for me) is when you get to roll up the wandering residents of the Earth. Many games have memorable moments, but none are quite the same as the first time your katamari is large enough to roll up a child. Oh, those little guys can run. It’s a truly amazing experience, and if you hadn’t been sold on the Katamari idea up to that point, once you start hearing the screams of terror from your freshly rolled high-school basketball team, you’ll definitely realize just why this series has the following it does.

Holding Up Soldiers

Game: Metal Gear Solid: the Twin Snakes/Metal Gear Solid 2/Metal Gear Solid 3

Platform: Nintendo GameCube/Playstation 2/XBox

Fun Rating: 6/10

Description: It may not be the most exhiliarating thing on the list, but there is definitely something to be said for the hold-up tactic found in all the Metal Gear Solid games since MGS2:Sons of Liberty (though the mini-game-esque “Hold Up Mode” was only in Substance). Playing with the guards and soldiers is a huge plus for the series, especially since getting through the main games doesn’t take too long (cutscenes aside), and possibly the most entertaining thing you can do to them is the hold-up. A vital tactic for procuring dog tags in The Twin Snakes and Sons of Liberty, the hold-up is exectuted by simply sneaking up behind your target and readying your gun. Walking in front of them and using first-person mode will scare them into dropping a dog tag (or other goods), and from there, they’re yours to play with. You can proceed to shoot out their radios, injure various limbs, or just shoot them in the ass to make them jump. some are even would-be heroes and try to pull their guns on you after you hold them up. Pumping a bullet into them will put ’em back in line.

Drenching Isle Delfino Residents

Game: Super Mario Sunshine

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 5/10

Description: If the FLUDD is good for anything, it’s annoying the crap out of all the NPCs in Super Mario Sunshine. A past-time that I don’t tire of quickly, soaking anyone nearby doesn’t rank too highly on my list, but it’s still a good wad of fun. Nokis try to take that fun away by simply retreating ito their shells, but the vast majority of Piantas will get all flustered and make a huge fuss about it. If only they’d actually take action after so long (I’m thinking they could exact revenge like the cuccos in Zelda games)… And then there’s Toadsworth. While the basic Toads just screech a little and act like they’re going to melt, the mustachioed mushroom lets out the most hilarious “YAAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!!” you’ll ever hear. That yelp alone is worth the place on this list. There are a lot of fun things to do in Super Mario Sunshine, but squirting Toadsworth makes me giggle like a schoolgirl every time.

Wasting Those Other Links

Game: Zelda: Four Swords Adventures/Zelda: A Link to the Past & Four Swords

Platform: Nintendo Gamecube/GBA

Fun Rating: 10/10

Description: Four Swords isn’t exaclty Zelda as you know it. It’s pretty close, but it’s got something no other has: multiplayer. While it’s multiplayer that encourages teamwork, it also makes sure to allow for plenty of friendly fire. Adventuring through stage after stage can get a little tiring, and every now and then, you just have to let loose and start murdeing any other Links that get close. Whether you’re doing it to steal Force Gems because you’re a backstabbing traitor (me), because you feel the need to start a war between the Links (also me), or just because throwing your friend off a cliff seemed like a fun idea (me again), killing each other can be far more fun than playing through the game proper. Four Swords Adventures even includes a battle mode tailored specifically to meet your teamkilling needs. Of course, there aren’t actually teams in that mode, but you know what I mean. The weapons and items in the games provide you with endless ways to burn, slash, stab, trample, explode, pierce, and throw your friends. There’s even an item in battle mode that unleashes a cucco who will rip out an opponent’s heart. Joy!

Playing Anakin (Or Any Sith, Really)

Game: Star Wars Epidoe III: Revenge of the Sith

Platform: Playstation 2/XBox/GBA/DS

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: I know there are tons of Star Wars games out there where you can play a Dark Side character, but for the sake of brevity, I’m going to focus on Revenge of the Sith for this article. Yes, plenty of games let you be bad guys and perform actions not sanctioned by basic human morals, but Star Wars games really hand evil to you on a platter. I get much more satisfaction from watching an alien squirm as I crush his throat than I do from pumping bullets into people. The RotS games let you choose from Obi-Wan and Anakin, and Anakin is clearly the choice if you’re playing for the fun of it. Obi-Wan tends to be easier to play, but his is a more defensive game, while Anakin’s game focuses almost entirely on offense. Watching legions of battle droids crumble beneath the might of my Dark Side Force powers is a sight that couldn’t ever get old. The console version is even better, intensifying everything with fancy effects and superior lightsaber duels. I can see why so many Jedis fall to the Dark Side… It’s just so awesome.

Running Down Pedestrians

Game: The Simpsons: Road Rage/The Simpsons: Hit & Run

Platform: Nintendo GameCube/Playstation 2/Xbox/GBA/PC

Fun Rating: 7/10

Description: Yes, you can run over pedestrians in most driving games (and shame shame double shame to those in which you can’t). I know this. I know this well. But in most games they just go splat and then you get out and take their money. In the Simpsons games, the pedestrian-smashing is a little more humorous. You see, rather than pulling a Frogger, the pedestrians in the Simpsons games will bounce into the air when they get smacked by a car, giving players the impression that they’re all made entirely of rubber. Don’t ask me why I like this way of hitting people so much more, but I do. In fact, I was originally going to use GTA3 as a headliner for this entry, but decided against it when I remebered how much more fun it is when Homer runs somebody down than when some run-of-the-mill mobster does it. The funny noise it makes helps too.

Bomberman Multiplayer!

Game: Bomberman Generation

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 10/10

Description: Yeah, okay. So multiplayer in nearly any Bomberman game is stellar (except that XBox 360 abortion they call Bomberman: Act Zero). This is a well-known fact to nearly everyone. But I come here today intent on stressing how much I love the multiplayer mode in Bomberman Generation. Sure, you could just play the regular old blast-the-other-guys mode (which is A-OK, don’t get me wrong), but I’m totally enamored with the ultra-frantic Dodge Battle. You don’t get any bombs, and neither do your opponents. Sounds weak, but there’s a catch: bombs fall from the sky! The basic idea is to avoid them and be the last one standing, and playing that way is cool, but there’s even more. Each Bomberman starts equipped with both kick and punch abilities, so you can still put your back into getting your enemies killed, even if it’s not the traditional way. There are some more special modes, but they don’t kick nearly as much ass. You can read about ’em all in my Bomberman Generation FAQ… somewhere. It’s on this site and GameFAQs, but I don’t feel like linking to either one at the moment.

So that’s it for now. I’m sure that there are some great moments that I’ve forgotten, but I’m content with my list. Surely games of the future will bring even more memorable moments, and I’m looking forward to all of them. I can’t really think of anything else that needs to be said to conclude this, so off I go!

RAW 01 – The Death of Aeris

I’ve been thinking up starting a running series of article where I rip on something that most people really like. Or something like that. Anyway, let’s just jump right into the first issue of “Ryan Against the World.”

Video games offer a lot. Mostly, they’re entertainement mediums, and for ages that was based solely in the actual gameplay. Nowadays however, there’s a greater emphasis on story and character development and music and all that stuff that goes along with it. One thing that video games have been really getting into since the Nintendo64/Playstation generation was emotional weight. With more complex stories and characters comes all sorts of crazy crap that can really make you feel while you’re playing the game (or sitting through the cutscenes, in most cases). there are games out there that will have you laughing heartily, bring you halfway to tears, or stir you into a vicious rage (and not just because the game is difficult).

Now, I’m all for this, see? I don’t really need any more reason to play video gmaes than to have fun, but it all comes as a nice bonus. But some people live for this kind of stuff, and as such, it’s a pretty popular topic in forums and polls on gaming websites. So where am I going with all of this? I don’t really know, but I needed an intro of some sort. Anyway, when it all comes down to it, I’ve noticed that there is one almost unanimous opinion for the more emotional moment in video game history: the death of Aeris in Final Fantasy 7.

I’ll put it bluntly. What the fuck? The world thinks that that was the most emotional moment in video games? They thought it was sad? People cried? I’ll accept that the world is comprised of dumb FF7 fanboys, but come on. How could you have possibly been sad when Aeris died? Yeah, it was a little shocking (and illogical) that she got bumped off not even halfway through the game, but it was not in the slightest a sad moment. In fact, I was hollering for joy when they neglected to realize that a Phoenix Down would fix it all. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that Aeris sucks.

Yes, now I’ve incurred the wrath of every gamer that Sqeenix has on their super-leash, but I don’t rightly give a damn. Aeris is like the worst character ever. For one: she’s a bum. Let’s face it, the bitch lived in a broken, abondoned church. Alone, it’s not really a proper strike against her, because some people just can’t help it, but I’m actually going somewhere with this. She clearly has no grasp on the concept of money. Selling flowers for one lousy Gil? No wonder she’s a goddamned hobo. She’d have to sell a whole damn boquet just to afford half a potion. Besides that, who in Midgar would want flowers? And shitty one-gil flowers to boot? Nobody appreciates cheap flowers. Nobody.

Secondly, she’s worthless in battle. Unless of course, you get her higher-level limit breaks, which you only get by using her extensively. And even then, they’re not enough to warrant keeping her in the party. This wouldn’t be so bad if you could just lump her off to the side like Cait Sith and Yuffie, but was there not a segement of the game where they forced her into your party? Not to mention that if you decided to go all the way and do the whole rigamarole of getting her final limit break and purchased her new weapons and shit throughout the adventure, you’d be out a whole lotta time and cash. Of course, all of this is just icing on the top of the fact that she’s a horribly annoying character. Cloud has zero taste in women.

There are tons of sadder moments in video games than when Aeris dies. Some of those include:

The death of Lisa in Silent Hill (actually, the entire story is kinda sad)
The death of Stella in Tales of Legendia (only because it means Senel will be hooking up with Shirley, whom I also harbor distaste for)
When you realize there’s only about 20 minutes of actual gameplay in any given Metal Gear Solid game.
Purchasing an Xbox/360 (after you realize what you’ve done)
When the local Chuck E Cheese’s closes, and it was the only place within miles that still had the Captain America and the Avengers arcade game.

That seems to be the most of what I have to say, and I have no more silly things to add to that list, so that’s it for today. Remember kids: Winners don’t do drugs. Captain America and the Avengers was like the best game ever.

Rocky Snow Ice Pops!

Summertime is finally dawning upon us here in Canadia, and with summer comes many things. Air conditioning, shorts, yardwork, hot girls in skimpy clothing, fat girls in skimpy clothing, etc etc. I never said they were all good things, did I? One of my favourite things about summertime is that it’s the only time of the year when the ice cream trucks come ’round. Some would say I’m too old for such things, but in my world you’re never too old for ice cream shaped like Wolverine.

While the truck with the horrible old-timey tuneses drive around delivering the primo stuff, most parents tend to go a little cheaper when it comes to frozen goodies. Freezies are a popular pick, as they’re unbelievably cheap (much like a certain mother of yours) and normally come in numbers that would make any mathemagician cum. Wow, that’s two off-colour jokes in one sentence. Anyway, freezies come in many colours and sizes, and while they are a budget snack, they do a good job of it.

I was recently “blessed” with a bit of an oddball pack of freezies. Just look at it. Odd stuff, wouldn’t you say?

Okay, so it’s not that different from most cheapass freezies, but there is plenty to pick at here. And pick I shall. The Rocky Mountain Ice Pops are pretty normal at a glance, but if you look closer, you’ll notice many an issue with the innocent little ice pops. Just the front of the package alone will have you scratching your head and poking fun at the artists.

Look at that peach! While one would assume that the fruits are without gender, the peach is clearly a female. A female that needs to cover her shame! Whoever drew the peach must have a plethora of mental issues, not the least of which is clearly a fruit fetish. Hey, that’s actually really fun to say. Fruit fetish fruit fetish fruit fetishshshshhhh. You know, he might have also just been a big Bruce Campbell fan. I mean, I’ve never seen a vag that goes all the way up to a girl’s chin. And I spent six years in Arubastan looking for one.

The other thing worthy of note here is the pineapple. The rest of the fruits seem to be using the ginormous ice pops as skis of some sort (except the peach, who’s totally getting off on the bumpy ride), but the pineapple is placed mysteriously behind the pop-skis. Maybe he’s got a pair of regular skis back there? Maybe he’s riding a small animal? Maybe whoever put this package art together is a sloppy jackass who doesn’t know how to use layers properly? It will riddle human kind for ages.

What you can read clearly says “EXCITING FLAVORS” You’ll see later that this is a Canadian product, so join me now in loathing of improper Canadian spelling of “flavours.” It is important to adhere to regional idioms! I mean, I’ll never pronounce it “leiftenant” (if you want to pronounce it old-world style, spell it old-world style), but I’ll harangue any who don’t add in those extra U’s until the end of my days.

What you can only make tails of says “8 FRUIT FLAVORED ICE BARS.” Another point of demerit for our friends. On the bottom corner it states that the included flavours are orange, cherry, grape, and bubble gum. Okay okay okay WHAAAAAT? I’m no scienceologist, but I have read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica, and it doesn’t say anything about bubble gum being a fruit. And that last sentence will be 100% true if you replace “Encyclopedia Britannica” with “side of a Cheerios box.”

This is the back of the package. I’d talk about stuff on it here, but I have close-ups of everything notable, so I’d better not.

Oh yeah, but just note that the nutritional information is simply a sticker, and not a part of the package itself.

I know they’re called Ice Pops and all, but do you think they need to be frozen? It’s amazing how stupid they assume people are. Just look at this! It mentions not once or twice, but threece that the pops should be frozen before consumption. And you’d think that something so pronounced would be important, but no. The way these things are made, they’re much more enjoyable as an ice-free liquid. Yes they taste a bit better cold but… you know what, I’ll get back to that in a bit.

You know, I’m beginning to think that whoever proofread this package was not in fact a native English-speaker. There’s so much poor grammar here and more typos than even my articles. The lack of and S on “Direction” would signify that there’s only one step, but there are three! You need your esses! Come to think of it, couldn’t steps one and two be condensed into a single step? They basically say the same thing, but add different details.

Awww. Québec? Jeez. No wonder this product is so shoddy.

You also notice a number hiding in the shadows there. 1986. Damn. that means that these things have been in production since… me. Or sometime around there anyway. I don’t believe that this particular package is 20 years old, I just think that those damn lazy frenchies were too busy smoking and crying for separation that they never bothered to update their freezie packages.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m really reaching here. They’re fucking freezies. How much could there possibly be to write about? I only decided to go through with this article because I’m lazy and I already had the pictures (which I took like two weeks prior to this writing). Also because it made for a fun banner.

So check that shit out. An odd shape for a freezie package, no? Yeah it is, and it’s totally impractical too. The thing is (if you read the direction, you’d already know) that you’re supposed to freeze them and then snap ’em in half. Only not in my entire life has one of these damn things worked for me. Unless you freeze it real good, that plastic inn’t gonna snap like you wannit to. Nnnope. Instead, you’ll rip it a little, and some melted stuff will spray out and temporarily blind you and dye your eyes purple so when you an see again everything has a purple tint. Fuck I hate these things. Grape sucks.

Basically the best way to eat freezies so unfortunately packages is to just cut the little top nub off and drink it. Even if you chop it in half while frozen, the bottleneck in the middle makes it so you have to crush the things to get ’em through, unlike normal freezie packaging which lets you just slide it out as far as you like. Worst. Design. Ever.

I don’t have much else to add. At first I hit the S key by accident and typed “add” as “ass.” There really isn’t any good way to go out on such a craptacular article as this. I haven’t really been trying, and it was just a shitty topic to start with. Would have been better in a multi-topic article, I think. But it’s 11:37PM right now, and I promised I’d have an article done by midnight and I still have to do a quick scan for typos. Yeah. That’s all you get. Fuck you.

Mass Review Time: Episode 2

Well, I really shouldn’t have to explain this again since it’s basically the same article I ran two weeks ago, but I do it every time for Chat Radio. What a sucker I am…

*Ahem* To get back to the point, this is simply a bunch of short reviews of various goodies I bought/obtained during the past week. I add “obtained” in there because in all honesty, there’s one item here that I didn’t pay a cent for. You’ll understand just why that’s such a good thing once you get that far. So that’s the summary done, I guess we’d better get to the real task at hand then.

• Item #1 – The Bachman/Cummings Songbook

If the world was more like Metal Gear Solid, my entire family would have had funny little question marks floating over their heads when they learned that I bought this. I’m willing to bet everyone else on the face of the earth would too. Fact is, I often wonder how well people think they know me. I’m not an overly complex guy, but certainly if even my family – people who interact with me every single day – couldn’t forsee me buying this CD, they obviously don’t know me too well, and I doubt anyone else does then. Oh well. Not that I’m complaining about it. I like having an air of mystery.

That said, the CD rocks. I’d review it myself, but I’d basically just be saying exactly what this review says. And I’m not one to plagiarize outside of homework.

That review does end with a question though, and I have an answer for it: Matthew good. Score: A+

• Item #2 – Wonder Showzen season 1

A while back (presumably around the time the show started airing), the Mask started posting clips from a show called Wonder Showzen. Based on the name, at first I assumed it was some quirky Japanese show, but no. Turns out it’s an MTV spoof of Sesame Street. Or something like that anyway.

In any case, I really enjoy the show. It’s not top-tier stuff like Robot Chicken, but the two shows do have their similarities, such as being completely random and often quite offensive. The “main” skits are usually pretty funny and off-the-wall, and all the crap in the middle is great, like “Beat Kids” which has a kid dressed up as a reported asking people about dumb stuff (EX: asking “how was it?” as people leave a park restroom). The biggest problem I have with it is that the Clarence bits are funny, but tend to drag on and get annoying. Oh well. Also, the show can be… erm… insensitive towards those who are… weak of stomach. It’s nothing you won’t be able to handle if you’ve seen the dreaded “Tubgirl” image and lived though. Nowhere near that level of gross. Score: B+

• Item #3 – Some kind of shrink-wrap removing dealie

As I was paying for my junk at HMV, the girl at the checkout suggested that I pick up one of these little things. She said it was for getting the shrink-wrap off CDs and DVDs and whatnot, and since it was only $1.50 and I hate shrink-wrap and she was cute, I decided to pick it up. I think I used the word “and” waaaay too much in that last sentence there.

I put the thing to work right away, opening my new wares. However, being the dumbass I am, I couldn’t get this overly simple contraption to work. Nope. Took me a good five minutes to figure the thing out. I really shouldn’t have told you that, but I really don’t have much else to say to fill this space. I guess mentioning that the thing works wonders is good way to do it though. Score: A+

• Item #4 – Free Indie-crap CD

I am many things. Slow, thick-headed, dense, witless, etc etc. I’m also a penny-pincher and a pushover, and both traits play a large role in this acquisition. You see, the checkout girl at HMV I mentioned just a little earlier also offered me this “sampler CD.” I knew damn well that it was a trap and likely filled with horrible music, but when put on the spot like that, and being the floor-mat I am, I also knew damn well that I was screwed. Luckily, she quickly added that it was free. Breathing a sigh of relief, I agreed to take one, and all was good.

The CD is pretty much garbage. I’ve only heard of one of the bands (Pilate, who are featured on the front), and I can’t say I’m going to worry too much about learning more about any of them. None of the songs are really bad per se, but almost all entirely forgettable, with the exception of Donovan Frankenreiter’s “Move By Yourself” which is way too funky not to like. Pilate isn’t too bad either, but at best, they’re a less boring version of U2. Score: C-

• Item #5 – Hawksley Workman – Live in Lille DVD

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping score at all, but I’ve been listening to all sorts of music outside my normal range as of the last few months, and hawksley Workman is one of the artists that I’ve really gotten into. He’s a Canadian indie rocker, and though I may have come off as critical of indie music in that last little CD review up there, this guy is really awesome.

I don’t usually buy music DVDs, even shows. In the past, there are only two that I’ve made exceptions for: Queen – Live at Wembley, because that’s like the greatest show ever performed, and HIM – Love Metal Archives Volume 1, because HIM rules. Now I’ve got a third, kind of a spontaneous purchase, but a good one nonetheless. I haven’t seen many live shows in my time, but I’ve listened to many live CDs and seen a lot of shows on TV, so I have a good appreciation of the general rule that bands either suck or rock onstage. At least I’ve never seen anyone do a middle-of-the-road performance. Anyway, Hawksley live is good stuff. He seems to have a little trouble getting all the words out, but I’ve seen many that have the same problem. He still puts on a good show, and I’d recommend this DVD to any fan. Score: B+

• Item #6 – Compaq Optical Mouse

Recently, I was able to restore my personal computer to working order. It was quite a process, as that thing was seemingly screwed up beyond repair. Now that it’s in a better way – and beefed up with a new video card to boot – I’ve been putting it to good use as a gaming PC. Not that I play many PC games, but I need to use the damn thing for something.

Sadly, most of the games I play put a pretty strong emphasis on having a scroll wheel on your mouse, and my old mouse just couldn’t afford me that luxury. So I went out and picked up a cheap optical mouse. It’s pretty darn neat for a mouse too, as it’s all mini-sized and intended for a laptop. The scollball thing doesn’t work nearly as well as a real scroll wheel though. It seems to have something against scrolling down, but applying a little force gets it back in line (just like women!). That little bug aside, it works well, and I really like the tiny size. Also, my simple mind is totally amazed by the little dongle it comes with so you can plug it into a normal mouse port instead of USB. Good thing too, because my USB ports are always full… Score: A-

• Item #7 – New Super Mario Bros

I’ll give it to you straight: If you liked any Super Mario Bros game before this, chances are that this is worth buying a DS for (this and all those other awesome DS games). But seriously, I haven’t played a video game this good since Super Mario World (because I like Yoshi’s Island and Mario 64 a little better), and I think that says a lot, because I play a hell of a lot of video games. It’s got all the charms of an old Mario game, and does so much awesome new stuff that I couldn’t even begin to describe its greatness in three paragraphs.

First of all, it’s clearly an homage to the games of yore, and a much better homage than simply porting those games. If you give it a shot, New Super Mario Bros will immediately win your heart. From the total lack of story (the princess is captured, Mario must save her) to the unnerving difficulty of some levels and obstacles, this game just oozes Super Mario. The 2D/3D look of the game is incredible, and makes use of some great effects, like morphing entire landscapes under your feet and growing Mario and enemies to gigantic size or shrinking them down to a size similar to that of one Edward Elric.

As you may have heard, there is a bit of an overabundance of extra lives. The game is tough, so you’ll be putting them to good use, but I doubt anyone with even a little skill will ever run out. The other small issue is that it opts to use that damned Bowser Jr over and over where the Koopa Kids would clearly fit very nicely. Dammit Nintendo, you need to listen to the fans more carefully! Do you know how happy we were when they showed up in Superstar Saga?

Anyway, Score: A++

That’s it for this week. I’m sorry I cooped out and did another mass review so soon after the last, but I’d just bought so much stuff that it would have been a waste not to do it. You know what? This apology is really more suited for the ol’ blog. Yeah. I’ll just wrap it up here then.

TE’s mortal enemy – The Boyfriend

If spending the better part of my life playing video games and watching TV has taught me anything, it’s that everyone everywhere has a nemesis. A mortal enemy, a lifelong foe, a not-so-friendly rival. It wasn’t many years ago though, that I realized that I had no such foe. I thought about it a little and after some research, found that everyone I knew did (at that point in time at least) have a rival of their own. This made me feel a bit left out, and it was really getting me down.

There was clearly only one solution: find my own enemy. But who could this person be? I was pretty sure that you don’t just point out your mortal enemy as the next person that walks by. It couldn’t possibly be that simple. Sadly, after a many great yet failed attempts at earning myself an enemy, I was left right back were I started, with nothing but friends. I was beginning to feel that it was hopeless and that nobody would ever dislike me. So for the time being, I gave up the chase and forgot about it. It was the only way I could press on and live a close-to-normal life.

Little did I know that only years later, I would not only encounter my mortal enemy, but I would also learn that having my own foe is not all the fun it’s cracked up to be. No, as fate would have it, I was matched with a rival that is not only competent, but even smarter, handsomer, and (somehow) more charming than me as well. Enter: the boyfriend.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’ve probably all encountered this enigma of a person at least once before. He does well in letting the rest of the world know that he’s a conniving little asshole, so you’ve probably taken a bit of a disliking to him. Amplify that disliking by a hundred trillion jillions and you’ve got how much I hate him. Just think of it this way: he doesn’t even harbour any real hatred toward you. He’s my mortal enemy, and that just makes it that much worse for me.

The boyfriend is a cheeky little bastard, never failing to get in my way and keep me from my goals. He slips in unnoticed and then once my guard is down he appears and serves me a big plate of defeat, often turning others against me during the process. He seems to always be two steps ahead of me, and I’ll never be able to understand just how he does it. It’s not like he follows me around to learn where he needs to be ahead of me next. Besides, even if he did, I always keep any information that he might use against me to myself. It’s all stored in my head, I never write anything down, and rarely even talk to others about such things. But the fact that he still manages to one-up me at every turn can only lead to one conclusion: he’s psychic.

This could cause me my biggest problem yet, because there’s no way you can beat a psychic rival. They know every move you’re going to make, and there’s no way you can stop them. I looked up information on psychics, and since the world is pretty convinced that they don’t exist (fools), there was no listed way to defeat the crafty bastards. I, as resourceful and brilliant a chap as I am, have only been able to come up with two possible solutions for this problem. Since he bases his strategy on learning my thoughts and getting one step ahead of me, the best option would be to think things that will throw him off the trail. That way, I can keep the boyfriend from getting ahead of me and charming others into working against me.

The only other option for me is to… wait. You’re probably reading this now, aren’t you Mr. Boyfriend? Well I may have slipped up and revealed one of my plans to usurp your position, but I’ll not be foolish enough to type the other. Ryan never makes the same mistake twice. Not in one day. Your jig is up, you big smelly doo-doo head. I’ve got the key to nullifying your psychic advantage, and once I work on my people skills, you’ll have very little to hold over me. I will become the better of us, and then I’ll never be defeated at your hands again. Your days of taking everything that should rightfully be mine are over.

The boyfriend has proven to be a worthy enemy, and to this point has made me almost regret ever wishing for a rival of my own. While I detest him for all his victories over me, I do appreciate that my losses have taught me to be more aware of him, since his sneakiness has been key to his victories. I don’t know what the future has in store, but I warn the rest of you to be careful. Once I do find the key to defeating him, he will most likely find that I’m too good an opponent for him, and he may move on to haunt another poor individual. All I can say is to keep your guard up, and make sure you have a widespread intelligence network so that you can keep tabs on his dealings at all times.

Mass Review Time: Episode 1

I did a little shopping over the past week, and rather than talk about each item separately in the blog as I usually do, I figured I’d take a page from Mike’s book and do a mass review of the stuff I bought. It just seems so much easier that way, and you only have to sit through one boring article rather than four boring bog posts. Everyone’s a winner! Except you. And everyone but me. So in conclusion, I’m the only winner.

• Item #1 – Boston – Walk on

Now, many of you should know that I really love Boston. I mean, they’re a fricking sweet band, how could I not? In any case, most fans think that Boston’s releases went downhill after their second, Don’t Look Back. I’ll admit that Third Stage was a little weaker than I’d hoped for, but Walk On is awesome.

The disc is split into three parts. The first three songs are kickass, even if “Surrender to Me” was featured on Don’t Look Back. The second part of the disc is the “Walk On Medley”, a set of four songs that could stand on their own, but come together to make what could very well be the rockingest 12-something minutes ever recorded. The last set of songs is a bit weak and forgettable, but that’s forgivable due to the high quality of the rest of the album. Hell, the “Walk On Medley” alone is worth the purchase price (which was about $12). Seriously. It was basically the reason I bought the album in the first place. Also, I really love “Surrender To Me”. Score: A

• Item #2 – Guilty Gear Dust Strikers

The most expensive item on the list, totaling up to about $40, is a game I’ve been looking forward to for a while. Why? Well, to be honest, the DS doesn’t exactly have a great catalogue of fighting games. The only one I had before this was Jump SuperStars, and as great as that game is, it wasn’t going to last me forever and I don’t feel like importing Bleach and it’ll still be awhile until King of Fighters DS is released.

But now it sounds like I’m making an excuse for buying it. That would be because it hasn’t exactly been getting the greatest of reviews. they say it’s too far from the base GG material or something, but I’m not seeing what’s so wrong with it. Granted, my only previous GG experience is with Guilty Gear Advance, but I loved that game immensely. GGDS seemed like the next logical step. I’ve been playing it a lot since I got it, and I’m very much enjoying it. Of course, I’m pretty crap at fighting games (makes you wonder why I love them so much), but I’m even starting to get reasonably good at this one.

Basically, the game takes the base fighting game mechanics (think Street Fighter, but cooler) and tries to cross-breed them with Super Smash Bros. This ends up with multi-tiered stages, items, and up to four fighters. It’s a little more hectic than your run-of-the-mill fighter, but I’m convinced that it works. Word on the street is that Guilty Gear Isuka for PS2 works in a similar fashion. The only thing that they forgot to implement was Wi-Fi multiplayer, which is strange considering how long it was delayed for.

Aside from the fighting, there are a handful of touch-screen minigames, all of which are kinda dumb and/or hard except for one. Their only purpose if to unlock movesets for a single customizable character. And speaking of which, those would be the only unlockables in the game. It’s odd for a fighting game not to have a small warehouse worth of unlockables in this day and age, but I don’t think that the game suffers any because of it. Mostly because I’d never be able to get half the stuff unless it were time-released or something else not relating to skill. Score: B+

• Item #3 – Bust-A-Move DS

Have you read my Bust-A-Move article? That alone should really be enough to justify why I dropped $20 on BAMDS. I mean, why not? It’s portable Bust-A-Move, which in itself is worth even $30. Not to mention that the damn game has been out since December or so and this was the first time I’d seen it anywhere. A chance encounter is all it was, and I couldn’t have hoped for better.

So how is it? It’s friggin’ Bust-A-Move! Do I really need to tell you how it is? To be honest though, it is a little tricky to get used to. See, the D-pad is way oversensitive for Bust-A-Move, and there’s no control stick, so what’s a guy to do? Well duh, this is the DS we’re talking about. Obviously you get to aim with the touch screen, which works awesome once you get the hang of it, which takes maybe five minutes tops. Also it features 5-player single-card multiplayer. Top notch!

One odd thing to note is that both DS games I picked up were made by Majesco. What a silly coincidence. Score: A

• Item #4 – Haunting Ground

I saw this game one time at Superstore and I was like “Holy crap! New Capcom survival horror game!” but it was like $35 and I didn’t feel like taking that chance. Luckily, while I was perusing the games down at the Best Buy, I found it for a meager $20. That was more like it! While it was clearly more of a budget title, I was pleasantly satisfied with Obscure, so my susceptibility to a cheap survival horror game was at it’s highest.

I haven’t played very far yet, but for what it’s worth, I’m very much enjoying Haunting Ground. If you’ve ever played a Clock Tower game, you’ll have a very good idea of how this one goes down. If not, here’s the lowdown: you’re a (rather busty) girl trapped in a big spooky castle being stalked by a big spooky ogre-man. The catch? No weapons. Unlike most survival horror games, Haunting Ground really emphasizes the survival bit by leaving you almost completely unarmed, save a few defensive items to help slow down your stalkers. Unlike Clock Tower though, you are aided by a friendly dog who will attack your assailants for you, but it’s still more of a run-and-hide game.

I probably just suck at it, but I’m finding this game almost as difficult as it is entertaining. That damn ogre-man is a lot more persistent than I need him to be, but it does add a good bit of fun to the game, as it’s always more rewarding to complete a difficult task than an easy one. The dog is also really cool. He’s animated really well, easily the best video game dog I’ve seen to date. Oh, and he acts like a real dog too, with the not listening to you when he doesn’t feel like it and all. The scenery is also insanely pretty too. If you like graphics, you’ll love this game to no end. If you like gameplay, you’ll like the game too, but maybe not quite as much. Sadly, the music is little more than atmosphere… And speaking of atmosphere, the game builds so much tension that lesser men will pop while playing it. Score: B

The Great Ramen Fiasco

I’ll get this out of the way quickly: despite what I may have told you to get you in here, I’m not rich. Wait. No, what I meant to say was “there’s isn’t really any fiasco.” Sorry. I’m just used to having to clear that up with girls the morning after when they wake up and ask why I live in my parent’s house. Yeah, so in summary, there’s no fiasco, it’s just a buzzword to get you reading. Wait. Fuck.

So if you’ve decided to move on to the next paragraph, congratulations! You’re in for a good ten minutes of boring crap about me cooking noodles!

Now that that’s out of the way, time for the back-story! For a while now, my interest in cooking has been rising, possibly piquing. I’m not sure if it’s just a phase or if it will grow into a notable part of my life, but for now, it’s just a fun thing I do from time to time. And it’s not any really big cooking either. Usually just pancakes or pasta or something simple. I think the most elaborate thing I’ve made to this point is hamburgers. The important thing is that I’m slowly learning to prepare more diverse types of foods, and I’m really enjoying it.

All this stuff aside, I am still learning the basics. And that’s why some simple things can still pose me a problem. Like ramen noodles. And that’s where my latest foray into the world of food preparation has taken me.

Oh yeah. When you’re on the internet as much as I am, you hear about these bad boys all the time. All the anime-loving geeks eat ramen and pocky like they were imported straight from the Garden of Eden. Or at least that how the stereotype goes. I’d never really eaten the stuff before, but I couldn’t imagine it being any different from any other noodles I’ve eaten in my lifetime.

So I’d picked out what I was going to eat for lunch, and now I would obviously have to prepare it. But in that was my first problem. There were no cooking instructions on the bowl, and there was no way I had enough experience to just improvise. Or did I? My first thought was to fill the thing with water an microwave it, but then I noticed that the bowl said specifically not to mic it. So plan one was boned right away. I was going to have to find another way to get this done. I should mention that I know at least a handful of people who, by lifestyle alone, should theoretically know how to prepare ramen, but with me, human interaction is a last resort, so I stroked my stubble-covered chin hoping for something to click.

And then I saw it. The one thing that could get the job done. My round, squealing salvation. The tea kettle. Before you could say something with about ten or so syllables, I had cow-shaped kettle in hand and was filling it up and ready to rock. I set the stove the max, set ‘er down, and began to wait. Because I assumed the water would take a couple minutes to bring to a boil (it does when it’s in a pot…), I decided to get the ramen opened and ready for wettening.

Inside, I found a block of noodles and two small packages. One was a package of flavouring – “spicy thai” flavouring to be exact – and the other was a very saddening package of dried vegetables. Now, I appreciate the thought, but two peas just ain’t gonna do it in a whole bowl of noodles. When I have peas and noodles, I need to have a decent balance of both in each bite, and I’m thinking that even with the help of the corn niblets and carrot flakes, those peas don’t have much of a chance to satisfy my obsessive-compulsiveness. So rather than drive myself nuts with a poor vegetable-to-noodle ratio, I just tossed the veggies.

At that point, the kettle started whistling (far quicker than I has predicted that it would), so it was back to the task at hand for me. I quickly tore open the spicy thai flavour and poured it on the noddle block, and proceeded to dump the hot water into the bowl. At that moment, however, I was struck with another small dilemma: what now? Should I just mix the noodles up while they soak? Won’t the heat escape? Uh-oh! But then I had another great brainstorm: Hold the lid-flap-thing closed while the noodles soaked! They wouldn’t get mixed much, but all the heat would stay in. Neither of my dogs had any better suggestions, so that was the plan.

Lucky for me, it worked! After a couple minutes, I lifted the cover to find the noodles pleasantly soggy. I mixed them up a bit to make sure the flavouring didn’t clump, and then proceeded to dump the water. It wasn’t until I went to make the banner for this article that I did a GIS for “ramen” and discovered that you’re supposed to leave the water in. Oops. Well, you live and you learn, right?

Ah. Beautiful, no? There she stands; lady victory in all her spicy thai glory.

I have to come clean with you on something again. I didn’t actually use the chopsticks. I’ve tried over and over, but I can’t for the life of me figure the damn things out. But you know, I can’t be totally perfect. As long as the world never needs to be saved by my good use of chopsticks, I’d say we’re gonna be okay. Besides, those chopsticks have probably been there since we moved into the house, and while I’m sure that wood has no expiration date, I can’t help thinking what may have happened to them in that many years.

You think the story ends there? No. I haven’t told you about how good the noodles were yet! Simply put: they were awesome! Spicy thai is wicked tasty and spicy. I made the mistake of drinking what was left in the bottom of the bowl, and my lips felt like they were on fire for a good half-hour afterward. But damn were they good. Sadly, wrangling wet noodles is not something I do often, and I ended up making a huge spotty mess (which was actually like 3 tiny spots, I’m just a total neat freak when it comes to eating), and that made me sad because I never spill. Except today.

One thing that did bug me about the noodles was the package. Not only did it lack any form of instructions, but it also teased me with a picture of delicious toppings for my noodles. The top shows a crab claw and a plethora of peppers, but what did they provide me with? A meager (to be really nice) packet of dried vegetables. Not cool, Noodle Time. Not cool. But you know, aside from that little hiccup, I enjoyed the whole experience. I got to spend fifteen minutes in the kitchen, and the payoff was totally sweet. I highly recommend picking up some spicy thai ramen, as it’s frickin’ awesome.

TE Top 10: Worst Things to be Reincarnated As

I was on my way out of the crapper the other day – which is where all geniuses come up with their best ideas – and a random thought came to my head. What kind of things would I dislike to be reincarnated as? Personally, I’m a Catholic so I don’t believe in reincarnation, but there’s been a lot of examination of Eastern religions in my history classes, so I’m being exposed to the idea a lot more than usual. Generally, the idea is accompanied by the karma system. If you’ve never heard of it, karma is basically brownie points for your next life. You do good stuff, you get good karma. Do bad shit, and it’s into the bad karma you go. When you die, the quality of your next life is directly proportional to your amount of karma. This quality of life is decided by what you get turned into. Since many Eastern and Native American religions believe that everything in existence is alive and has a spirit/soul, you could theoretically be reincarnated as anything.

Now I’m a pretty good person, so if all this stuff is how it really goes down, I’ve got faith that I’ll have an acceptable next life. However, at the time, I was pondering the things that I would least like to come back as. Turns out there are lots of things I’d never want to be, so I narrowed it down to a short list of ten. I’ve got some pretty good reasons for most of them, even if they only sound like good reasons to me.

~The Nintendo 64 Dynamic Drive~

Some would call it a failure. Some would be right. But you know, it’s not really the DD’s fault. I did a little research, and as far as I can tell, it only really failed because the N64 was on its deathbed, and distributors didn’t want to bother trying to hock the thing. So it was only available through mail-order. The thing sounded like it had potential (much like the SNES Satellaview thingy), but was released way to late to see the world of success. So if I think the thing had potential, why wouldn’t I want to be it? Because it had potential. Not making sense? Let’s put it this way: I wouldn’t want to be something that could be awesome, but failed miserably because my success was in someone else’s hands. No thank you. I’ve had enough shattered dreams in this life.

~United States President George W. Bush~

Do I really have to explain this one? I know there are more people who like him than hate him (unless the polls are rigged), in his country at least, but I’d still have to take that kind of criticizm. Heck, while we’re at it, I wouldn’t want to be any celebrity. As much as I’ve fantasized about being famous, I’d hate to be under the public eye all the time. I’d hate to have every person in the world judging every single thing I do, exploiting every mistake I make, tuned into every facet of my life. That, and I could never bear the responsibility of being in charge of a whole country. I’m barely qualified to be in charge of doing the dishes. But then again, neither is he.

~The Nokia N-Gage~

Seriously, does anyone like this thing? Because I’ve never heard of one. Not personally anyway. Hearsay isn’t exactly the most credible source around. Even with the N-Gage QD redesign or whatever it is, the thing is stupid. For one, the screen is vertical. Maybe for the phone half, but not for games. Next off, are there any games for it? What, Tomb Raider and some racing game? Yeah. Killer library. If you need some kind of do-it-all gadget, get a PSP. Sure it’s got no phone, but at the very least you can load it with SNES and GameBoy ROMs. And it does have a couple good games of its own. I guess.

~Badass Internet Hero Maddox~

Don’t read into this too quickly. I’m a huge fan of Maddox. I won’t follow his words blindly like some, but I do enjoy his work. The satire is always razor-sharp and he does an excellent job of making fun of two-bit hacks like me. So why wouldn’t I want to be him? For one, he lives in friggin’ Salt Lake City. Eeeew, Utah. Nextly, because of his notoriety, he probably get the most hate mail ever. And finally, he updates maybe once a month, and the fan mail demanding new content is apparently pretty bad. Since I update like once every billion years, I imagine that it would be infintely worse for me. I wouldn’t really hate being Maddox, I just don’t think I’d be able to keep up with the reputation.

~My computer~

The machine itself has got the parts of a winner. A third-placer at least. But with God as my witness, no piece of technology has ever has as many issues as my computer. That thing is the physical manifestation of… something really unreliable and prone to breaking. To be fair, all the electronics in my house seem to be under some horrible curse, but my computer takes as much for the team as he can. Or maybe it just really pissed off some evil spirits. I can’t explain it, but the thing has spent more time being repaired and getting operating systems reinstalled than it has being in working condition. It’s a pity, really. Pity, pity, pity….

~The Catman – Peter Criss~

A hero of mine once said it best:

“Nobody wants to be Peter Criss, not even Peter Criss.”

~A goldfish~

My life is pretty routine. I wake up, eat, go to school/play video games, eat, play video games, eat, internet, eat, and sleep. But for fark’s sake, I could not just swim in circles all day. After two days I’d be begging for my owner to overfeed me so I could meet my tasty demise before I went insane. You may think the whole “goldfish only have a memory of a few seconds” thing might have something to do with it, but they proved that was false on Mythbusters a long time ago. One cool thing I learned while looking up… stuff… is that goldfish are actually a mutation of carp. The more you know!

~Toilet paper~

Come on. Really? You need me to explain this? A comic once pondered if toilet paper feels lucky when it gets used as a hankie. Do you really have to wonder about it? In the end (no pun intended), the only half-decent outcome for a piece of toilet paper is to be used as bandages for a low-budget mummy.

~Underpants. Specifically, men’s underpants~

Like it says, I would hate to be underpants. Men’s or women’s, I don’t care. Sure, every straight, red-blooded man has at one time wished to be a hot chick’s underpants, but it can’t possibly be all fun and games. Especially on days when she isn’t expecting to… “perform”, if you know what I men. There’s the whole fish business, and I can’t stand fish. Then let’s remember that chicks fart too, and they can’t always wipe it all away after a visit to the ladies’ room. Really, it’s not a place you wanna be in for extended periods of time. And I shouldn’t have to explain why I don’t wanna be a dude’s underpants. Even if I were gay. Think about it. Would you want to be rubbing up against a gross, hairy ass all day? On second thought, don’t think about it.

~Leopold “Butters” Stotch~

Yeah, Butters is my favourite character on South Park, but there’s no way in Hell I would ever want to be him. Butters is the biggest patsy in the history of comedy. Or anything for that matter. Butters has the luck of… well, he’s got even worse luck than me. Even I manage to catch a lucky break every now and again, but poor Butters always get the short end of the stick. You can’t help but feel sorry for the little guy, for as many bad things happen to him, he’s always just trying to help out or be a good friend. Whatever he did to deserve such a fate, we may never know, but what I do know is that I want to have no part in it.

And that’s the list. As you can tell, I went through the trouble of thinking out of the box a little. Yeah, any old idiot could say that they don’t want to be reincarnated as a pooper scooper, but it takes a little more effort to come up with a list like mine, and with half-decent reasons to not want to be those things. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that until you come up with your own list, I’m better than you.

I hate socks

I hate socks. You know that? Well now you do. It’s not really a well-known fact that I don’t hate many things. Hell, I rarely even get truly mad at anything. I may get worked up about certain issues every once in a while, but I always tend to cool off after a minute or so. My philosophy is that nothing good can come of anger, so I do my best to keep it to a minimum. This is kinda hard for me because when I was a kid I threw fits of rage all the time, and short fuses seem to run in my family.

Anyhow, back to the task at hand. There are three things in the world that I hate with so much passion. These things are socks, when people take stuff from me without asking, and computers. While the last is really a love/hate issue, and the second is the one thing that makes me blow up, socks are really more of a passive hatred for me. See, socks don’t necessarily anger me, but they do cause me more grief and annoyance than even my greatest foe. So much do they bother me, that I really don’t know where to start.

I guess that since I do have to pick somewhere to begin, that we’ll go with the most obvious choice, and that would be how I hate putting them on. One of the biggest issue I have with socks is that they’re cumbersome to equip. They’re not like a shirt which you can just pull on, or pants which you can simply hop into. No. When it comes to socks, you’ve gotta take a seat and reach all the damn way down to your feet to get ’em on. This may not be as troublesome for some of you, but for a well-rounded man like myself, it can be quite a pain. I just can’t imagine how tough it must be for people who are actually fat. The other thing about them is that you have to align them correctly. I know some socks aren’t as shaped as others, but most socks are supposed to be put on in a certain way, which takes even more time, and if you manage to botch it, you either have to do it all over again or walk around with an uncomfortable sock all day.

The next thing I hate most about socks is that you have to wear them. They’re not optional like a hat or gloves. No, socks are required if you plan to go anywhere. Sure, you can squeak by with sandals on occasion, but those are only good in the summer, and I find sandals to be uncomfortable and unfashionable, so it’s hardly worth it to get out of wearing socks. People are out there wasting their time inventing crap we have no need for like tiny little music players, when the real thing they should be researching is shoes that can be worn without socks. Trust me, I’ve tried going around without socks, but all that accomplishes is ruining your shoes and creating an terrible odor. The lack of socks causes the sweat produced by your feet to get stuck to the inside of the shoes, making them harder to remove, and ruining the soles. Then as an added “bonus”, the sweat had some kind of poor reaction with the shoes, making both the foot and the shoe extra-smelly. Actually, this is beginning to sound like reasons why you should wear socks, so I’ll move on to more anger.

Another thing I hate, related to the point above, is that socks are annoying to wear. Just think about it. You get home from a long day, and all you want to do is rip off your socks and put your feet up. The problem with this is that once you take them off, you’re done for the day. There’s no going back, and if you do, you’re gonna have to go through the big deal or re-applying the socks. And probably a new pair at that, as putting on not-fresh socks is even worse than usual, as they’re already all sweaty and gross. Sure, if you’d just left them on you’d probably never notice the grossness, but when you put used socks back on, you notice that gross. You know you’ve been there. The greatest part about this article is that it can speak to everyone. I’m sure that everything I mention here is something that everyone’s dealt with. You may not have had as much of a problem with it as I do, but you know you’ve been there.

The final thing I have to complain about is probably the worst. Wet socks. Wet socks are the fucking bane of my existence. Nothing makes me more irritable than wet socks. It’s the closest I’ll ever come to knowing what those women are going through during their periods, and I’m sure you agree that wet socks are like the worst thing ever. Not only are they uncomfortable as hell, but for the most part, you don’t get wet socks in a situation where you’re gonna be able to remove them right away. No. It always seems to happen when you’re gonna be having the shoes on for an extended period of time. Then you have to slog around all day with wet feet, and chances are that the experience will make you bitter, which will in turn make you lash out at everyone else, bringing them down as well. Wet socks aren’t good for anyone. To top it all off, socks are like ten thousand percent harder to remove when wet, like any clothing. It’s like they know they’re torturing you and don’t want it to end. Fucking socks.

And that’s pretty much it. With all of the points above, you can more than likely see why I hate socks with a passion, and you’re probably gonna be able to relate as well. Socks are just a pain in the ass, and believe you me, when I’m a bajillionaire web celebrity, I’m going to devote a good amount of time and money to finding a way to eliminate the need for socks entirely. And after that, maybe I’ll work on cancer or world hunger or something. Because I’m all about helping people. After I’ve helped myself, anyhow.