Category: Film

Mass Review Time – Honeymoon Edition

Internet, I have a problem. I’m addicted to Fargo.

Maybe it’s not so bad as addiction, but the summer trip south to Fargo has become a tradition that I can surely not break free of. I need it. I need it so bad that I managed to convince my now-wife that it’s where we should spend our honeymoon. So maybe it is bordering on addiction. I’m not a psychiatrist, I don’t know these things. Surely there’s a better way I could have started this article.

As usual, the trip was mostly to get away, relax, and just be together for a few days. And from what I’m told, that’s mostly what a honeymoon is about too. So to that end the voyage was perfectly successful. Of course we also spent a buttload of money. Like, way more money than we were even allowed to spend while down there. By some random stroke of luck, the amount you’re allowed to spend when crossing the border increased on the day we came home, so we didn’t have to pay duty on what we spent over the previous limit. It’s the first time crossing the border was a truly pleasant experience.

To that end, I should note that this is by no means a complete list of things I bought in the States. I’ve obviously excluded anything The Wife bought, because this website is about me me me me me and God forbid I give anyone else more than a passing mention. I also spend a bit on a few little house things and some clothes that I don’t feel are nearly interesting enough to write about. On that note, let’s take a look at exactly what I judge to be “interesting.”

Continue reading Mass Review Time – Honeymoon Edition

Teenage Martian Ninja Turtles

I don’t know if anyone but me keeps up with this kind of stuff, but there’s a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie in production. It’s actually just called “Ninja Turtles,” which is kind of a strange departure from the norm, but I suppose it helps to streamline a title that’s a bit of a mouthful, as well as define it from other works that use the whole title.

The big news about this one though, is that it’s being produced by Michael Bay, and he’s changing the lore so that the turtles are aliens instead of mutants. The fan community is in an uproar, with hateful letters to Bay flying left and right. You might think that being the TMNT fanboy that I am, I would be pushing my way to the front of this spiteful bandwagon. In fact, I am not. At first I wasn’t ready to believe it, but after spending a good hour or so reading what we know about this film so far, I’m not too worried about the change.

I will admit that I do worry about how Bay is going to handle the Turtles otherwise. He’s not exactly a man who understands the concept of “subtlety” and that’s kind of the whole point of ninjas. Overall though, I trust him to keep mostly in line with where the franchise should be. I really loved the reboots of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street, even if they did take themselves a little too seriously. TMNT is a fairly light-hearted franchise, so I’m really just hoping that it’s not all grimacing and dull colour palettes. Even the grim black-and-white comic book Turtles lighten up and start cracking wise after the first couple issues.

Anyway, the alien turtles thing. It’s a little ridiculous, but I can’t imagine that it would change the story that much. It’s been confirmed that the Turtles will be the same characters we all know and love, so does their origin really matter? I’ll admit that I had reservations about it at first, but sitting down and really assessing the situation cooled off my terror gauge pretty quickly. Especially given the fact that Eastman and Laird have both been privy to a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff that the general public doesn’t have access to yet, and they’re both pretty optimistic about the project. Their direct involvement seems to be limited, but as long as they’re showing upturned thumbs, I believe that everything will turn out alright.

The other thing you really have to consider is that there are plenty of other franchises that have been rebooted or otherwise completely rebuilt that have worked out for the best. In my case, I am thinking explicitly about the Silent Hill series. Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, if you want to get really specific. Aside from names, Harry’s line of progression through the town, and the general atmosphere of unease, there really isn’t all that much in common between it and the original Silent Hill. And that was okay! Though Shattered Memories changes nearly everything about the game it is inspired by, I have room enough in my heart for both, because they are both quality products. Yes, someone went in and changed a story that I am very familiar with and treasure as a part of my personal development, but they did a really good job of it! Who’s to say that Michael Bay can’t do the same by altering a mostly irrelevant part of the Turtles lore?

“But… they’re from space!” you may scream like a moron on fire. Yes, they are. Did you know that in the original TMNT lore, the mutagen that made the Turtles into what they are was from space? Kinda makes the transition seem a little less like a major shift than just cutting out the middle man. Yeah, yeah, I know there was none of that in your 80’s cartoon or 90’s movies, but that’s the straight dope. And consider those too; this isn’t the first time a production studio has taken creative liberties with the Turtles’ lore. Hell, the 80’s cartoon took all sorts of wacky departures from Turtles canon, so I think it’ll be okay here. Even worse is that most people (fools) believe that cartoon to be the Turtles canon because it was the most mainstream iteration of the TMNT.

So I guess what I’m saying here is not to make any snap judgements. Yes, the Turtles are going to be from space. It’s not a huge departure from the original lore, so stop saying that the upcoming movie is “sodomizing your childhood.” You’re being nitpicky dumbasses. We don’t really know anything about this movie yet, and odds are that it will be pretty good. As long as it doesn’t take and inspiration from The Next Mutation, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. If it does turn out to be awful, I really doubt it will be because the Turtles came from space. There are much more important places for you to direct your hate: maybe send some towards that retarded-looking Battleship movie for existing. And for casting Rihanna. God, I hate Rihanna.

Good job, zombie arm!

The woman and I went to see The Cabin in the Woods last weekend. Perhaps you’ve seen the trailer? It’s the one where it starts out looking like just another slasher flick, but then a bird crashes into an invisible wall of future-technology and explodes into a fireball. Maybe there’s something more to this…

Since I love cheesy slasher flicks, the interest was already there for me. But then there’s the fact that there’s a whole other level there that we don’t really know anything about, and also it’s written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard? Effin’ sign me up, man! I did read a (very convincing) review in the paper on the Friday too, which at that point was just preaching to the choir.

The Cabin in the Woods was even better than I’d hoped for, and might even beat out Drag Me to Hell as my favourite “horror” movie. If you’ll recall, I really liked Drag Me to Hell. I’d have to watch them both again, but regardless, they’re both amazing films, and I heartily recommend them both. That’s a little too straight to the point though; let’s talk a little more about The Cabin in the Woods.

The movie is played off in the trailer as a pretty generic slasher flick, where four sexy teens and Topher from Dollhouse head off to a creepy, secluded cabin in the woods for a weekend getaway. Does that sound like a million other movies? Yeah, a little.  But there is a second plot! It involves professionally-dressed men (and Whiskey from Dollhouse!) in some kind of fancy complex monitoring and ever-so-slightly controlling the fates of our cabin-goers. It’s not a spoiler, because it becomes apparent that this is happening within the first half-hour of the film.

Eventually the stories truly intertwine, and we see that they’re two sides of the same coin, equal parts of a bigger picture. This is still sounding a little generic, but there’s a lot of subtext here, and the whole movie is really one big deconstruction of the horror/slasher genre. But all pretension aside, what matters at the end of the day is that The Cabin in the Woods is hilarious. Sometimes in a tongue-in-cheek way, sometimes ironically, and most of the time very blatantly.

This is a movie about making fun of other movies, and it is a beautiful thing. You know all those terrible [Genre] Movie parodies that are terrible and should be forgotten from human history? The Cabin in the Woods is exactly what those movies wish they could be. It is poking fun at many, many other movies, but not doing it with an endless stream of references and fart jokes. The closest thing to a reference in this movie is… ah, I don’t really want to spoil it. But I will say that there are a couple short scenes that will leave Hellraiser fans grinning. Anyway, The Cabin in the Woods is funny and very smart, but it’s not inaccessible, which is what puts it head and shoulders above pretty much every other parody ever.

The Cabin in the Woods even spends a lot of time satirizing the people who go to the kind of movie it’s ripping on. Yeah, me. And that’s cool. There’s an element of reality TV parody here too, and I found it to be much more entertaining than the other movie doing that, The Hunger Games. But that’s another story entirely.

So again, The Cabin in the Woods is great. Go see it, and be ready for copious amounts of hilarity and blood. Also a unicorn.

24 sentences of materialism

Alright kiddies! I totally forgot to do a “24 Days of Materialism” feature this year, and the best thing I could come up to sort of replace it is this: The 24 Sentences of Materialism. It’s basically the same concept, I choose 24 things I like and tell you to buy them, only this time I’m ripping off the long-dead Video Game Article‘s “One Sentence Reviews” feature. So here’s a list of video games, albums, books, and TV shows that I love and think you should buy for yourself or your loved ones (and also a link to a related webpage for each). Honestly, I think this is the hardest thing I’ve ever written. It’s terribly difficult to express everything I want to say about a product in only one sentence.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword – Take one part Ocarina of Time, one part Wind Waker, mix well, and then tweak everything just slightly: provides a surprisingly fresh Zelda experience!

2. Monster Hunter Freedom Unite – Why not help persuade Capcom to bring MH Portable 3rd or MH3G by picking up what is easily the best game in the series to date (that is available outside of Japan).

3. Groove Coaster – A rhythm game that’s incredibly simple, but will still suck you in with its trippy visuals and eclectic track selection.

4. Volchaos – A rather superb Xbox Indie game that brings back the glory days of video games: short, challenging levels, and a great sense of satisfaction when you get them right.

5. Fallout 3 – I don’t know why I don’t spend more time with this game; it’s so unlike anything else I play and all the more wonderful for it.

6. Super Mario 3D Land – The game that justifies the 3Ds’ existence.

7. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island – Getting this game (and The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap) for free because I paid too much for my 3DS makes it totally worth it.

8. Anima: Ark of Sinners – It’s not really very good, but you can see potential shining through the blandness and kludgy controls.

9. Tron Legacy Soundtrack – Oddly enough, this is probably my favourite music to listen to while playing Minecraft.

10. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers – The Live Anthology – Just slightly less than four hours of pure delight.

11. Bound Together – Who could ask for more than an Earthbound tribute remix album?

12. Back in Blue – I love OC Remix but don’t generally love their albums, but this Mega Man 9 tribute is awesome all the way through.

13. Private Line – 21st Century Pirates – There must be something in the water in Finland, because they’re so good at hard rock/metal.

14. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack – This one really should be mandatory reading for every human being.

15. The Forever War – Best novel I’ve read in… forever?

16. 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth – This comic collection goes beyond hilarity and does its best to teach you some very important lessons.

17. GameSpite Journal 10: The SNES Turns 20 – What kind of gamer wouldn’t want to read a book all about SNES games?

18. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Ultimate Collection Vol. 1 – A huge, beautiful history lesson.

19. Futurama Season 6 – The first few episodes are kinda weak, but the quality shoots up after that and has me very excited to get BD set of the second half.

20. Community Season 2 – Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas.

21. Criminal Minds: Suspect Behaviour – It’s like Criminal Minds if Criminal Minds sunk all the budget into the script and had first-year college students do the rest.

22. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (80’s) – Campy, cheesy, corny; whatever you want to call it, it’s all goofy nostalgia.

23. Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood – I liked the original series, and this one is better in every conceivable way.

24. Fringe Season 3 – Somehow this show has gotten to a point where I feel it might be better than LOST.

TE @ C4

It’s gotta be… weeks now since I went to Central Canadian Comic Con. It was cool, I must say. Though I guess I’m not as much of a nerd as I thought it was because it was (local) Nerd Mecca and I wasn’t super-psyched about it. Oh well. I took a few (blurry) pictures while I was there. Everything from Minecraft to papercraft, and even one ass that did not belong in that costume. Actually I took a few pictures of those, but I figured one is enough to prove my point and deleted the rest. Be thankful. There’s an alternate universe where this post is all pictures of asses that shouldn’t be seen by human eyes.

         

         

              

         

         

              

              

         

Jack Black said no drums!

I took the night off from Skyward Sword yesterday to go see The Muppets. On my way to the theatre I was jonesin’ for some Zelda, but forgot about that before the movie proper started.

Firstly, two previews really grabbed my attention. There’s a new Studio Ghibli/Disney production on the way, which looks really good. The animation quality alone made the animation love in my quiver in delight. I can’t remember what it’s called and damned if I’m going to bother looking it up, but absolutely keep an eye out for the cartoon about little people living under the floor. The other was the new Pixar flick, Brave, which doesn’t seem like it’ll be as good as Up but no less is a movie I’ll need to see.

After the previews came a Toy Story short which alone would have justified the outing. It’s hilarious, and will keep you laughing the whole way through. While Pixar could have taken it and fleshed it out into a complete movie, it’s probably best as a short. I lamented its brevity, but know deep down that a feature-length version wouldn’t have been as great.

Our feature presentation was up against some fierce competition there, but the Muppets and Jason Segel pulled it off and Super 8 had finally been dethroned as my favourite movie of 2011. The Muppets was amazing. It was everything I’d hoped it would be and more. It was hilarious almost the whole way through, and when I wasn’t laughing I was on the verge of tears. Oh hell, the ending actually did bring a tear to my eye. The way the movie was so easily able to manipulate my emotions is uncommon, and I love it all the more for being able to crack my tough exterior. Not only that, but somehow The Muppets was able to slip by my distaste for musicals. That’s how you know you’ve done something special.

The film warmed my heart like nothing else can, and kept me laughing with a constant barrage of slapstick, one-liners, and brilliantly placed celebrity cameos (their use of Jim Parsons was exquisite). It left me completely satisfied, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I was ready to sing and dance my way out of the theatre, and I’m very strongly considering going to see it again this weekend. I cannot wait to get this on blu-ray so I can watch it every single day for the rest of forever.

My only lament is that those are not the Muppets’ voices! I guess maybe some had the same actors, but the big names (Kermit and Fozzie specifically) were just ever-so-slightly off, and it bugged me to no end. But that’s a minor quibble, not nearly annoying enough to tarnish my opinion of the movie as a whole. In conclusion, go see The Muppets. And tell me when you’re going so I can tag along.

Pointless potential

So I’m mostly just doing a test here to see if I can post through my Wii. If you’re reading this, I totally can!

Proofreading from here is going to be a bitch though. The Wii’s tiny little text input window was totally not meant for this kind of work. So if you notice lots of little typos of the “jsut” and “anythign” variety, assume it’s a post written from the comfort of my bed. Which might make this worth it. Now unless I need to post an image, I have one less major reason to turn on my computer. Poor, neglected compy.

In related news, I’m on my third Wii console now. Not because I’m Nintendo’s bitch and keep buying each new colour or anything, but because Netflix is a horrible Wii murderer. Well, maybe it’s not Netflix, but all the evidence points to that conclusion. Let me start from the start.

Once upon a time, little Ryan was super excited that he got a message from Nintendo (via WiiConnect24, which is otherwise useless) that said he could now download a Netflix channel for his Wii. Little Ryan downloaded that channel with all the gusto, and immediately dove in. The first movie that queued up, completely by chance, was Confessions of a Nymphomaniac. Little Ryan felt a different kind of excitement and watched it. His love for Netflix bloomed instantly. Life would be wonderful from now on.
After watching more movies on the Netflix channel for hours, Ryan turned the Wii off and left to do other things for a while. He came back even later on, but when he turned on his Wii, it showed a horrible message:

“System memory has been corrupted.”

Little Ryan was devastated. His best friend had suffered from an apparent brain aneurysm, and he didn’t know what do to. The next day he turned on the Wii, just to see, and to his delight it worked! Little Ryan jumped for joy! For a while, everything seemed perfect, but then the Wii stopped working for real. It did not recover from the memory corruption, and had to be sent away to be replaced with a new console.

Little Ryan was depressed for the two long weeks his Wii was gone, but he was ecstatic when it returned, still loaded with all his Virtual Console and WiiWare purchases. Only while the license to download them was retained, they refused to play on the new console. Little Ryan set about re-downloading them all, painful a task though it was. At the end, he downloaded the Netflix channel again, and set about to watch him some River Monsters. Man, Little Ryan loved him some River Monsters.

Days and weeks went by uneventfully. Little Ryan and the Netflix channel were living happily together until one morning Ryan woke up and his Wii said

“System memory has been corrupted”

Little Ryan was devastated. Again. His Wii was dead again! But it pulled through the crisis, and Little Ryan continued to Netflix. Over the next few months the error came up again. At first it seemed to happen randomly, but as the fall set in, it started to happen every time Little Ryan tried to turn on his console. He eventually gave up and sent it in for repairs.

When Little Ryan received the second replacement Wii, he vowed to never download the Netflix channel again, because it was the devil. Four years, Little Ryan and his original console had spent together, and never had a problem. Now Little Ryan and his third Wii get along just fine, and there is no Netflix to be seen.

The End

So yeah. That’s what happened in a nutshell. The really sad part is that I loved the Netflix channel. Yes, Canadian Netflix lacks most of the AAA movies, but who cares? There’s so much on there to watch anyway! I felt like a kid in a candy store every single time I booted that channel up. I always found something to watch, and ended up watching tons of stuff that I’d have never even heard of without it. I owe Netflix a great deal, and I’m sad that I can no longer use it through my TV.

I do still subscribe to Netflix, and occasionally use it through my iPhone (mostly during workout time), though I’m a little skeptical about loading it up on my 3DS. Who knows what it’ll do? I’m certainly not signing up for Xbox Live Gold just for Netflix. One monthly fee is enough. I intend to find a cable that can make my iPhone do TV-out soon so that I can watch stuff on my TV, but it’s still not the same. The Netflix Wii interface was a little clunky, but it was nice. Better than the iPhone interface anyway. Oh well, those days have passed, and for now I live with Netflix being more a fond memory than anything else.

November reigns

Well sir, I’m gonna have to call it: November 2011 is going to be the best month ever. I’m sure that my wedding day will still be the best day of my life, but May is going to have to work really hard if it wants to compete for month.

Oh, and by the way, I’m basing this on the fact that the new Muppets movie is in theaters on November 23rd. Officially I’m very excited, but I also can’t help but wonder who opens a movie on a Wednesday? That’s just crazy. Nobody goes to the movies on a Wednesday. I’ll likely be too absorbed by Skyward Sword to remember to go right away anyway.

Anyway, The Muppets. I can’t imagine that it’s going to be a bad movie; the trailer alone is awesome. Especially that first one from a long time ago, where they faked you out into thinking it was a romantic comedy and then Kermit showed up. And it’s co-written by Jason Segel, which should be more than enough. If you watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall (and there’s no reason not to have), you’ll remember the Dracula puppet rock opera. I still wonder why that hasn’t been adapted into something bigger. That little five-minute scene is more than enough reason to sit through the whole rest of the movie. If you still can’t make the commitment, look up “A Taste for Love” on YouTube.

I don’t have a taste for musicals. Every time I watch a Disney movie and the characters stop what they’re doing to sing a song about how it’s awesome to be completely irresponsible (The Lion King) or how much they yearn for true love (anything with a princess), I get annoyed and wish I could skip to the next scene. Somehow, the Muppets always manage to get around it. I’m not sure why I’m so much more open to music on film when Muppets are involved, but I am. Maybe it’s because they do it so well. Head back on over to YouTube and poke around there for Muppets music video covers. There is tons of it, and for the most part, it’s all golden.

So now, really, the only way I can think of that could make November even better would be for there to be no snow. And/or for me to be able to find some time for (non-portable) video games. Things had been so good over the last few months, but in October I think I’ve logged maybe two hours in Darksiders. That’s it. 🙁