Consumer Whore – Act III

So when I was in Fargo (again) with the folks a couple weekends ago, I made sure we made a mandatory stop at the local Toys R Us. I was actually on the hunt for the 25th anniversary re-release of the original Ninja Turtles toys, but all they had were Bebop, Rocksteady and Splinter. I only want the four turtles, but I think we all know that once I get them, I won’t be able to stop until I have the whole collection, as evidenced by the similar situation below:

While my hunt for Ninja Turtles was largely unsuccessful, I did spy the second round of Street Fighter figures. I mulled over them for a good twenty minutes, and decided that it would be best to get them there since they were considerably cheaper there (even with exchange). It was also a gamble whether we’d see them in my store or not, but of course the next week they came in. Still, having Guile, Chun-Li and Akuma hanging around makes my room feel a bit cooler. At least to me. I know the woman isn’t overly thrilled about them…

On the upside, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Smash-Up releases tomorrow, and pre-release impressions have been pretty good so far! After the whole Mutant Melee debacle, I’m still a little weary about it, but it looks like Ubisoft has been trying really hard, and their game would have to be really atrocious to top Konami’s weaksauce offering.

Bye-bye Beardy

Yeah, so I’m not dead. Again. Been a while since I did the whole blogging thing, and it so seemed like I was getting back into it last month… oh well. I’ve been SUPER-busy over the last week or so anyway, between trips and work and socials and all that other junk, I’ve barely had any time to play video games, nevermind blog!

Luckily, I did have Wednesday to myself, so I spent a good eight or so hours engrossing myself in Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story, which is fantastic. Possibly even better than the original M&L, which I intend to play as soon as I’m done with the new one here. I played Partners in Time again a couple moths ago, and I still feel that it lacks something. It just didn’t have the heart of the original.

Also, I’m interviewing for a new awesome possum(bly) job next week, and because I don’t want to look like a ragamuffin, I shaved off my seven-week strong facial hair. I like to think that things could have gone better, but realy, it was an awful beard. The ‘stache didn’t change much from the picture I took at three weeks, maybe just thickened a timy bit. As for the beard, it remained entirely under my face, and grew to about half an inch in length, which effectively looked quite literally like chin pubes. It never grew onto my cheeks, so it was a shabby chinbeard at the very best. And now my face is all smoothie-like.

I even tried just shaving out the middle first, hoping that it would turn into Wolverine chops, but it was really just the same mess without the middle, and hence was not worth taking a picture of.

There’s plenty more to talk about too! But that will have to come in later bloggity posts, because I don’t want to cram everything in all at once! Then there would be an even worse blog deficit. And I most certainly don’t want to end up in the middle of some kind of blog recession. However that would work.

TE’s Bargain Shop Adventure!

So I was in Lac du Bonnet the other weekend. Not something that’s going to be happening all that often in years to come, even though it used to be a trip the family made many times a year. Me and the girlfriend went to see the Canada Day fireworks display (which had been rained out in July and postponed to August 1st), and it just so happened that her uncle runs the Subway down there, so her whole family was there too.

Before hitting Lac du Bonnet itself, I decided to take her around the surrounding area and show her some places I used to frequent, like the cottage that used to belong to my grandparents, and the legendary Pinawa Burger Boat. It was a long morning/afternoon of adventuring, and we finally headed to Lac du Bonnet and made camp at the Subway. There were still many hours to kill before the fireworks began, so we had to busy ourselves in town. Reading her Cosmo and playing CrossworDS (guess who was doing which) only lasted so long, and we were forced to explore the small town to eat up the rest of our day.

Fortunately, that meant doing my absolute favourite Lac du Bonnet activity: scouring The Bargain Shop for interesting goodies. There’s also a dollar store that’s so generic that I can’t even remember what it’s called, but ever since my brothers and I were tots, I’ve loved prowling that The Bargain Shop. It even moved across the street into a bigger building a few years ago, making room for even more crazy crap. I bought a whole bag full of stuff that day, and all for less than $15! Let’s take a look-see, shall we?

Probably the last thing in the store to catch my eye (the first being shitty Transformers clones with absolutely horrid grammar on the box, sorry for the lack of pictures), but easily the best thing I bought were the Butterfinger Buzzes. They were three for two bucks, and my curiosity was piqued by the allegations that it contained as much caffeine as the leading energy drink, so I dove right in. It bears mentioning that the woman is currently addicted to/dependent on energy drinks, so it was easy to convince her to take one. I like Butterfingers, but I’m not a glutton.

Now, a Butterfinger is pretty good on its own, and the promise that it’s brimming with caffeine is even more enticing, but I was a little turned off by what I found when I opened the wrapper. For whatever reason, “loaded with caffeine” is apparently synonymous with “dyed an unnervingly bright red”. I guess it’s just that I was used to the golden Butterfinger, but the insides of these bars were bright, bright red. Possibly dyed with the blood of a thousand neon children.

In the end though, it was just a Butterfinger. Flamboyant colouring aside, it tasted perfectly normal, and despite promises of giving me the caffeine rush of a lifetime (I ate two!), I felt no more energetic after consuming them. Overall, I’m not disappointed though, because they were cheap and as I’ve stated at least twice by now, I like Butterfingers.

What I’ve never cared for, however, are Hot Tamales. Not sure why, but they just never caught on with me. I love cinnamon hearts, so it’s not the flavour or anything like that. Maybe the chewiness doesn’t mesh with the cinnamon in my head for some reason. Maybe I just don’t see the point of getting a box of Hot Tamales when you could get the far superior Mike and Ikes that are always right beside them. I may never know.

What I did know, however, is that I absolutely had to get the box of Hot Tamales Ice. It makes no sense! It’s so wonderful!

So as you can see from that box shot up there, these are minty flavoured instead of cinnamon, and as far as I’m concerned, are much more enticing. They give off that same cool aura as spearmint leaves, but have the smooth, pill-like texture of Hot Tamales. I don’t know if it was just an old box or that Icy Tamales are naturally hard, but these ones in particular were a bit tougher than your garden variety Hot Tamales/Mike and Ikes. This problem was circumvented when I left the box in my hot car one day and they became soft and more like their forebears.

On the note of this possibly being an old box, I could find no mention of the Ice Tamales on the official website, however it did show me that they’re producing a product that opposes the Ice Tamales even more than the original: Hot Tamales Fire. It is now my lifelong quest to find the Fire version. And then procure another box of the Ice, so that I may put Fire and Ice on display together as my most prized possessions. Sadly, this requires at the very least, a three-hour trip back to Lac du Bonnet. I guess I can just hope that they’re still there next year.

As an end note, I’m still a firm believer that Tropical Typhoon Mike and Ikes are the best of this candy family.

And speaking of tropical things, look at what we’ve got here! It should be known that I’m also a huge fan of Dots, even moreso since I’ve learned that Wal-Mart carries big ol’ boxes of ’em and I don’t have to wait for Halloween for my Dots fix. Even then it was a gamble. Dots always topped my Halloween candy wishlist, even though they’re not even close to being the best candy. You were always guaranteed to get a king’s ransom in Reese peanut butter cups and Tootsie Pops, but Dots, Dots were the rare candy that always made my Halloween.

The Tropical Dots, however, are not my friend anymore. I gave them the benefit of the doubt at first, as they come from good stock, but then I ate one. They come in five flavours, all listed in the image above, and none of them are any good. They all taste vaguely similar, and kinda waxy. The Wild Mango and Paradise Punch stand the best chance of being deemed “acceptable at best”, but I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what happens to the rest of them. Very, very disappointed here. I’m talking last-episode-of-Seinfeld disappointed.

Also, there’s a math puzzle of some kind on the back of the box. Boo, Tropical Dots! Not only do you taste bland, but you also use your box activity to attack my weak point! Massive damage! I hate Tropical Dots.

To add an extra level of woe to my already melancholy situation, I purchased two boxes of these chewy little abortions in my excitement of seeing a new brand of Dots. Eating two boxes of Tropical Dots does not make one a happy camper. I really hate Tropical Dots.

These suckers are less interesting than most of the other stuff I picked up, and in fact you can easily find them at most dollar shops or Zellers. Usually as a feature item, because they’re two for a buck. These really only made their way into the bag of swag because the girlfriend is totally nuts over suckers. And why shouldn’t she get a good tongue workout? Oh yeah. I went there.

The nice thing about them is that there are a ton of flavours, and most of them are awesome. Root Beer and Banana Split, which I have pictured here, are my favourites. Cherry Cheesecake and -strangely enough- Grape are also worthy competitors. There’s even some kind of margarita flavour, so there’s really something for everyone. I should also mention that they are incredibly tasty and much bigger than the average sucker, so you’re getting a great value with these little guys. If you see a stand next time you’re picking up cheap greeting cards, don’t hesitate to buy a couple.

This big ol’ lolly is both more and less interesting than the previously showcased suckers. It’s more interesting because look at all the colours! Whoo! they swirl so brightly! Also it’s much bigger. But the real amazement lies on the backside of this lollipop…

BAM! It came with a toy! For a dollar!

Yeah, I know it’s the cheapest-ass toy ever made, but still! Little motorcycle dude will reside in my room for possibly weeks or months to come, until I finally get too annoyed with his poor construction. It’s too bad, because despite his small stature and cheap build and training wheels, I really like Moto Dude.

The real tragedy here is actually that big lollipop itself. I’ve had many lollies like this one, in different shapes and sizes, with different colour patterns, and different characters emblazoned on them, but I’ve never had one like this. Not even close. This was hands-down the worst lolly I’ve ever had the displeasure of having in my mouth. Initially it had no taste at all, so I figured it was some kind of shitty coating that caused the lack of flavour, so I sucked some more, and eventually it just started to taste like plastic. The colours weren’t running at all despite the mass amounts of saliva being slathered upon it. I couldn’t even bite the damn thing. I’m beginning to think it was just a prop lollipop packed in as an easy way for whoever made this to sell their shitty little Moto Dudes.

Sadly, I’ve got to be one of the very few suckers ever to fall for it. Pardon the half-pun.

Okay, now this can’t possibly disappoint me, right? A sucker version of a Kinder Surprise? This has gotta be awesome.

But just one thing bothers me; how exactly did they get the toy and giant chup in that egg? Certainly the toy must be held in an egg within the chup, just like a fruity version of a Kinder Surprise. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.

What!? It’s just a regular sized chupa with the stupid toy taking up the rest of the space inside that humongous egg? I’m outraged! Mostly.

On the upside, the Chupa Chup is a sucker that you know you can depend on. They will always be good, as they always have, even if they aren’t bloated to an unbelievable size, as the packaging had led me to believe. Seriously, I only bought this because I thought I was getting a ginormous chupa with a toy encased within. If I had known it was a regular chup, I probably wouldn’t have been nearly as excited about it.

To dishearten me even further, the toy included inside was not at all the pencil topper that the various images on the package had promised. I mean, it’s a robot cat, which is cool and all, but Robo-Cat does not top pencils. He doesn’t even try. He just rolls back and forth whilst bobbing his head. Despite the fact that my fat sausage fingers weren’t nearly dexterous enough to assemble Robo-Cat without an hour-long fight, I’ve become quite attached to the little guy. He now sits atop my Wii with Moto Dude. I give them about a week before my dog eats one of them, having caught the scent of facetious suckers on them. I do not relish the thought of having to hold a tiny funeral for the tiny, unfortunate soul.

And that’s what I got. It may seem like I got taken to the cleaners for spending just under $15 on this mostly disappointing junk, but you’ve gotta remember that that comes out to over 130 words per dollar, so it more than evens out on a penny-to-word ratio. If I hadn’t written this completely pointless article, then the only thing I’d have had to walk away with was the enjoyment I got from the few candies that were good. Also a Robo-Cat. And that’s more than enough to satisfy me. Case closed.

You know it fees right

I’ve been playing mostly old games lately, in not only a vain attempt to save some money, but also in a terrible fit of nostalgia. Playing through Wario Land 4 on a proper GBA is infinitely more enjoyable than playing it on a PC, and I’ve discovered that maybe Final Fantasy 8 is a lot easier than I remember it. I was probably just doing it wrong before. However, my summer mission to finish Final Fantasy Tactics has ground to a halt. Turns out grinding for hours upon hours can remove the fun from even the best games.

Anyway, all the new games I’ve been playing over the past couple of months (aside from Wii Sports Resort) have been via Wii or DSiWare. The one that’s really stolen my heart though, is Art Style: PiCTOBiTS. Possibly because of my overactive nostalgia gland.

PiCTOBiTS is a falling-block puzzle game, almost like a backwards version of Tetris, where you get to move around the fallen blocks and try to make lines in the air. Of course, the term “lines” is a little too general. Any line, rectangle or square of four or more like-coloured bits will vanish off the bottom screen, and pop up to the top one, and therein lies the point of the game.

As the falling bits are vanquished from your bottom screen, they move up top, and fill in a blank slate to create a beloved classic Nintendo character (or characters, in some cases). While the round does end after the portrait is completed, it’s still very much a high-score game, keeping records of both your top time and score for each stage. Of course, there are ceilings to how high your scores and how low your times can get, but the sheer fun of the game is more than enough to keep you coming back for more.

There are 30 stages total, 15 of which you can freely play in sequential order, unlocking the next by finishing the round you’re on. The next 15 are acquired at your whim by using the coins you earn. These “Dark Stages” are notably harder, some almost completely overwhelming. I’ve only finished up to the 9th Dark Stage myself, afraid of what will happen to me if I tread any farther.

I found PiCTOBiTS less than amazing when I started playing it, but as I got better and learned to chain my lines, the game became exponentially more fun. The one-step-at-a-time renditions of classic Nintendo themes are also a great reason to come back to the over and over again. The only little quibble I have is that the stylus is not always the most accurate tool, and oftentimes (especially when you need to move fast), you’ll find yourself carrying and placing bits you never meant to pick up and/or put down, which usually spells instant doom in the harder stages.

PiCTOBiTS is easily the most worthwhile game currently available on DSiWare. Aside from the mostly great Art Style: Boxlife, nothing else on the service even comes close to piquing my interest. I’ll admit that even PiCTOBiTS and Boxlife were lucky shots in the dark that I probably would never have even tried had I not gotten the 1000 DSi Points used to purchase them for free. But alas! They are wonderful! And all should rejoice at the release of a puzzle game I can really get into!

The Beardo Chronicles: Week 3

The beard madness continues! At this point, people have sarted to realize that I’m not just too lazy to shave, and am actually growing facial hair on purpose. Many are asking why, but I never really have an answer. Just because.

I shaved the neckline this morning, and oh lordy, does it look so much better. Now I actually look like I’m growing a beard, as opposed to scruff. Also, my girlfriend is really warming up to the idea, so all is good in beardy town. Except for the fact this it’s starting to slow down in the growth department, so we’ll see if it gets any longer than where it is now. Check back next week for more!

I should also mention that I’m in the midst of writing not one, or even two, but three articles. I’d hoped the first one would be up just less than a week ago, but you know how I procrastinate. In any case, there’s actual content in the works, so stay tuned!

Birdy, erm, Beardy

So completely randomly, about two weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to start growing a beard. Now, while I love the prospect of having a beard, there are three little catches that will more than likely keep me frm achieving my goal:

1. I’ve tried this before. It didn’t work out. As far as I can tell, my face doesn’t have what it takes to grow a proper beard. It grows very unevenly, faouring the left side, and after a couple weeks the growing just stops and it stays at the “long scruff” phase until I shave it off. I’m hoping it’s just because I didn’t wait long enough before, which leads to point two.

2. I’m too impatient. Since my facial hair (and regular hair, after a certain length) grows at a snail’s pace, I’ll most definitely get bored of this long before I have anything resembling a beard. To help imagine how long my hair takes to grow, it takes be approximately three days to grow in a proper five o’ clock shadow.

3. My girlfriend is not a fan. I asked her at the beginning of the relationship how she felt about facial hair (because I shave maybe once a week at most), and she said she wasn’t big on real facial hair, but could deal with the stubble. I did tell her my plan, however, and she seems okay with it, if not even supportive. I was ready to give up after just over a week, but she told me to hang in there a little longer, just to see how it goes.

So that’s what I’m sporting now; Not too wonderful looking, but it’s past the crustache phase and makes me look a little older. You may not be able to tell because that’s the most terrible picture ever taken, but yeah. I dunno. I’m pretty much ready to shave it off, but I’ve made a promise to myself to wait at least one more week before I take the razor to it. Well, I mean, it’s due for a bit of a trim around the neckline, but it’s got seven days to straighen up and fly right before I axe the whole thing.

So why am I doing this? Dunno. Boredom, I guess.

PANAMA!

I know it’s a bit wierd that I might show such enthusiasm for a Guitar Hero game after (mostly) politely snubbing the last one to be released, but have you seen the track list for Guitar Hero: Van Halen yet? I was mostly on the fence before, but then I saw the tracks. It has “Panama” and “Jump”, so I’m absolutely there. “Unchained” doesn’t hurt either.

What’s really got me excited however, are the songs that aren’t by Van Halen. Any Judas Priest is welcome, but another go at “Painkiller” has got me dancing in my seat, and the fact that I finally get some more Queen is icing on the cake. I also greatly appreciate “Pain” and “Space Truckin'”. I’ve got to say that it’s really a great overall selection of filler music. Yes, we’ll always have to put up with a few shoddy choices like Fountains of Wayne and Weezer (and why is Lenny Kravitz here? Activision, can you please make one Guitar Hero game without Lenny Kravitz? Please?), but it far surpasses GH: Aerosmith’s meh-tastic choices and GH: Metallica’s a-bit-too-metal-for-my-tastes track list.

Take the chains off, take ’em offa my heart

It should need no mentioning that I bought Wii Sports Resort on Sunday. My girlfriend and I played it almost literally all day. If there hadn’t been a party going on in my house that night, we probably would have clocked in over eight hours. The different sports range from frustrating to awesome, so it’s a bit of a hodgepodge, but what it does right, it does with flair. Swordplay and Archery are the top contenders in fun, and the Island Flyover has sucked up more of my time over the last three days than anything else. Even Bowling, which has gained no superficial improvements since the original Wii Sports, has become awesome because the Wii MotionPlus device makes it a hundred times more playable (I always used to curve left, now I can play a half-decent game).

So my words be damned, because we took videos! The first is of the practice area in the Power Cruising event, and was more or less just a test to see how well the woman’s camera would capture on-screen stuff. The next two are levels one and three in the Swordplay Showdown event (played by Steph and me, respectively), which is possibly the most addictive mini-game ever.

TE Hits the Road: Fargo ’09

Hi all! Yeah, it’s yet another article about the once-again yearly trip I take down to Fargo/Grand Forks. I say once-again because there was a stretch in there for a few years where we didn’t go at all, but for the last three years, it’s been an essential part of summer. The only difference is that now, instead of going down with my family, it’s me and the woman. There are pros and cons for both parties, but I don’t really care who I go with. The Fargo/Grand Forks trip is the only summer staple I still have left, so I’m holding onto it as tight as I can.

That aside, I’ve decided that this year I’m just going to mash up all the pictures I took instead of trying to do anything more inspired with them. No categories, no long-winded stories, no character commentary. Nope. Just going to put them on the page and make some quick notes where I deem necessary.

Also there are tons of pictures,. Enjoy 😉

This is a cake. This is what Stephanie and I ate for breakfast. Actually I had a bowl of Reese Puffs cereal beforehand because she was taking a really long time to get to my house. But yeah, cake for breakfast. Woo!

We struck a deal before we left that she would drive there, and I would drive home. I wasn’t told until we’d arrived at the hotel, but apparently I had been voted to drive everywhere while we were in Fargo.

GPS. Lifesaver.

I bought a huge jawbreaker on a stick at the Duty-Free. It’s been ages since I’d had one of these bad boys, and I felt it was absolutely necessary. My mission was to finish it by the time we got home. I did one better and finished it before we were even back in Canada. The passport is there for scale.

She opted for the jawbreaker’s smaller cousin, the cherry Jelly Belly sucker.

I think I might have had a better chance of getting in here when I used to come down with my family. The girlfriend seems wholly opposed to entering a restaurant so garishly decorated. But we went to TGI Friday’s, so I don’t know. Maybe she’s got a fear of aliens?

I feel it’s important to mention that I used that baby pool to its full extent.

Our facilities. This is the most interesting photo ever.

Aah! Too much sunlight!

“Take one of me on the couch!”

“Now take one of me on the bed!”

See? TGI Friday’s. Hard on the eyes though it my be, no trip to the United States is complete without a stop in either here or Chili’s. I wish Canadian chains or those that extended into Canada knew how to make such wonderful fries.

Dear God! Six years with this camera and still I take blurry pictures! I’m a horribly lazy photographer.

So good.

Also awesome, but far less new to me.

For years, I’ve refused to believe that this DVD exists. Well ,outside Amazon, anyway. But I found it! I really found it! Now I can’t say Hot Topic never did anything for me.

More crap I bought. Teenage Zombies was ten bucks, and the rest I consider to be things absolutely essential for me to own. I was hunting Friday the 13th and American Dad Vol 4, but Ghostbusters Vol 1 came out of nowhere and made me the happiest girl in the world.

Like the trip to Fargo itself, no summer is complete without a small tub of Americone Dream.

TGI Friday’s was having a two-for-one burger day, and I had ordered a burger for dinner, so they gave me this second one to take home. I ate it that night and forcefully regretted eating two giant cheese-slathered burgers in one night. A task a younger me would ahve faced with aplomb.

The main dresser on our first morning. It’s covered in crap we bought and other such things. The Playstation 2 is there because I hate overpaying for movies I don’t really want to watch and every time I bring my DVD player I forget the remote.

Seriously. You’d think I would know how to take a not-blurry picture by now.

I usually grab a jug of Hawaiian puch on my southernly adventures, only this time I picked the “light” version. Trying to watch those calories…

West Acres mall. It’s huge, and wonderful. It’s probably the best mall ever. It’s not a lot better than Winnipeg’s biggest mall, but I only get to go there like once a year and I don’t get bored of it. Also I looooove Mrs. Fields’ cookies.

We went to the Lone Star Texas Grill on our second night. We’d never been there, but were pleasantly surprised. The steak I had was excellent (especially since I hadn’t had a steak for several weeks at that point), and there was a pail of peanuts on the table to keep me busy while we were waiting for the food to come.

That evening we ventured over into downtown Fargo, and on our way back, we ended up accidentally driving through some sort of classic car show-off night. Don’t know for sure what was going down, but we took a bunch of pictures.

I used the Fargo onion to determine that we were going the right way on the way back into the hotel/shopping part of the city.

I guess it’s just out of habit that I keep taking pictures of the Fargo TRU. We didn’t go in this year, but it looked just as sad as ever on the outside.

All packed up! I don’t subscribe to Nintendo Power anymore, but I felt like picking up an issue for old time’s sake. This one was the perfect candidate, because the only things I really want to read about are the new Mario & Luigi game and Wii Sports Resort.

This is how many towels we used over the course of two days.

I’m going to miss that wonderful continental breakfast buffet. It’s really the highlight of all my best hotel stays.

On our way home we stopped in Grand Forks to investigate the Columbia Mall among other shops. It’s just as boring as ever, if not moreso because they don’t even have the cookie place in the food court anymore.

Evidence that she does eat.

There was a completely random mailbox on the side of the road nearl Kohl’s. I felt that I should capture its soul incase it disappears between now and next year.

This makeup is all blurry! Let’s go somewhere else.

I bought these movies at Best Buy. Zombie Strippers is pretty hilarious, Zombie Diaries was disturbing, and Trailer Park of Terror-though I expected the most from it-was merely okay.

No, I did not buy Friady the 13th twice. I don’t know how it got into this picture. On the other hand, Jason X was five bucks and was the last missing piece in my collection, and the Elm Street four-pack was $10 and completed its own collection. Mallrats I couldn’t understand why I didn’t already own.

We hit Rock 30 games on the second night, and I picked these up there. I have no idea why in God’s name I had sold Donkey Kong, as it is one of the greatest original Game Boy games ever, and FF8 I own on PC, but would rather play through my PS2. I will not say how much I paid for either of these items. I will say that one was just a little more expensive than it should have been, and the other was hideously overpriced. I’ll let you come to your own conclusions.

And that’s pretty much it. Following in the general spirit of this “article”, I really don’t have much more to wrap up with, so I’ll leave it at that.

~FIN

Guitar Hero: Smash Hits

If you ask the average consumer whether they preferred the Guitar Hero or Rock Band franchise, most would likely be curious what’s to prefer, since they’re both pretty much the same game at this point. If you asked someone very into gaming, however, the clear cut winner would be Rock Band nine times out of ten.

The game structure remains similar enough in both series that it won’t influence anyone’s opinions too heavily; what it really comes down to is how each game is sold. In the case of Rock Band, you either buy the Rock Band or Rock Band 2 game disc, and then it’s up to you to download extra music from the music store to enlarge your library as you see fit. On the other hand, Activision’s plan for Guitar Hero is to throw as many discs at us poor schlubs as possible, and offer very little in the way of DLC.

The big difference here is that with Rock Band, you get to choose which songs are added to your game, and you won’t have to pay for half-a-disc worth of songs you’re indifferent to or flat-out hate. Guitar Hero, on the other hand, forces you to buy the songs they want you to play. It’s a damn shame, but the franchise that started a revolution in music gaming has been poorly marketed and left behind the trend to the point where it’s starting to be passed over by people who are addicted to the genre. Myself included. Actually, it sounds a lot like Nintendo’s life story. Only I don’t see a Wii-sized comeback in Guitar Hero’s future.

With Activision flooding the market with “Hero”-branded games, it’s getting hard to keep up with all of them. I’ve purposefully neglected to buy two titles already, and I don’t see myself too interested in buying any of the upcoming games (with the exception Guitar Hero: Van Halen, obviously). The one GH game that I was very excited about, however, was Guitar Hero: Smash Hits. It may seem a bit redundant for me to want the “greatest Hits” version of a game series that I’ve been ragging on for being stale and overused, but I have a very good reason: these are the songs I want to play.

GH: Smash Hits contains a handful of the most popular tracks from all the GH series games that came before World Tour. This is important to me because these are the songs I played and obsessed over while I was still smitten with the genre. Only now they aren’t covers anymore. It brings back a ton of memories and while it follows the trend of running the Guitar Hero name into the ground, it’s got a few redeeming qualities that I’m very much enjoying.

The most obvious change, and the main reason of the game’s existence (other than another udder on Activision’s cash cow), is that all the songs can now be played with a full band, rather than being restricted to guitar and bass, or in the case of GH1 songs, guitar only. This alone does not add nearly enough value to justify my purchase, as I bought the Wii version, and I rarely do any multiplayering on my Wii. Also I do not own Wii drums and do not plan on buying any. What does add the value is that all the note charts have been mostly re-written, making use of all the new GH gimmicks like the slide bar sections and the open note on bass. Most songs are also a Hell of a lot harder, and these changes make the game seem fresh and adds a new challenge to songs I’d long since mastered. The only song that’s noticeably easier is ironically enough Dragonforce’s “Through the Fire and Flames”, which is now entirely possible to play through thanks to the slide bar sections.

The other little things that I really love are that the game finally provides a star meter. It was always a pain in the ass playing songs over and over, but never knowing exactly how far away you were from earning that fifth star. The game also lets you choose from any song right at the start of the game when you choose quickplay mode. It’s not something I would have ever benefited from, as I always blaze through career mode before touching anything else, but it’s a super-nice feature for casual players and people who just bought it and want to get the most out of it at a party they’re having that night. I dunno. Little things matter.

The career mode structure is also very nice. It’s back to the set list format, rather than World Tour‘s me-too gig setup. You unlock new sets by earning so many stars, and new sets unlock very, very quickly. Therefore, you can usually skip right to the songs you want to play without having to pick through too much of the other material. The only exception is the final set, which unlocks after you’ve played all the encore songs. But those are all the super-difficult songs anyway, and I doubt you want to play the new version of “Play With Me” without a nice, long warm-up anyway. (read: it’s very hard!)

I’d also like to make a little side note here, where must admit that I’ve forgotten how much fun it is to play these guitar-based games just for the sake of playing them. The last few I’ve been playing on the 360, and it’s really just become entirely about the achievements. Playing this on Wii has rekindled a lot of feelings of love for the actual gameplay, rather than the chase for arbitrary virtual medals. Just sayin’.

There are a couple of gripes I have with the game though. While the songs that Activision picked make an excellent roster of playable songs, the game only offers 40-some songs. This is essentially Guitar Hero’s Greatest Hits album, and everyone knows that the standard hits album is much longer than a band’s standard albums. There are 86 songs in World Tour, Guitar Hero 5 will have 85. We should have gotten at least 60 in Smash Hits (the entire GH1 soundtrack wouldn’t have been a bad idea). Also, there are no bonus songs! You earn money through career mode, but all it’s used for is bland clothing options. Get Ready 2 Rokk and Decontrol were probably my most-played tracks on GH1, so I’m very upset to see that no bonus songs from any of the GH games have been included. I expected Monkey Steals The Peach’s “Guitar Hero” at the very, very least.

But everything else aside, I really just bought Smash Hits because Guitar Hero doesn’t have a lag calibration option and nobody’s re-released it. All I really want is to play the first Guitar Hero game. That’s it. But I guess the fourteen tracks they provided here will be more than enough. I got what I really pined for-“Killer Queen”, “More Than a Feeling”, “Take it Off”, “Godzilla” and “Unsung”- but I sure do miss “Crossroads”, “Spanish Castle Magic”, “Texas Flood” and “Frankenstein”. Also, how could they possibly say this is the best of Guitar Hero music and have not included “Iron Man”. That’s like the biggest song ever. not a personal favourite, really, but it’s insanely well-known. Fuck, I think I’m just going to go play GH1 for a while, lag or not. I love those songs so much…