Page 91 – Burning the midnight oil at noon

Oh No(MoWo)

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been listening to No More Whoppers a lot over the last couple of months, and it’s had a very profound effect on me.

See, despite the fact that it’s called No More Whoppers, ever since I’ve been listening to it, I have had an insatiable craving for Whoppers. It’s not like the BK News segment even shows up very often past the first dozen episodes. I just can’t shake the need for a Whopper these days.

I have only submitted to my craving once in this time, and it was because I was having a particularly bad day and I needed to eat my feelings. I don’t know if I can stay strong for much longer though.

That’s all. Just a weird little story today. Happy Sunday.

A snake of the lightest shade

Let’s take a short moment to talk about something completely unrelated to that one thing that I’m always blogging about.

Unfortunately, my diversion is headed right into talk about music, that most loathed topic of the TE readership. Or so I’ve heard. From one person. Years and years ago.

I haven’t bought or even illegally downloaded any music in what seems like forever now. In reality, my iTunes receipts show that I bought two albums in early June: Freezepop’s Future Future Future Perfect and Whitesnake’s… Whitesnake. The second one is the one I want to talk about.

I’ve never been a really big Whitesnake fan, but I suppose that’s because I’ve only ever known “Here I Go Again” and “Is This Love,” which were never really enough to make me want to explore more. Then one morning, I had the song “Still of the Night” stuck in my head, but I didn’t know the artist. I Googled it, and that set off a chain reaction of events that led to me purchasing the album through iTunes.

I think that made it sound a little more exciting than it actually was, yes?

Anyway, I fell for the album from song one. I had always assumed that Whitesnake was just another hair band, but honestly, I think that their music, at least on the Whitesnake album, is a lot more impressive than the likes of Poison or Def Leppard. Heavier and more technical at the very least. I don’t know if I’ll be buying any more of their stuff, but I’ll certainly be more inclined to consider it.

The opening song, “Crying in the Rain” is great, a bluesy track that normally you’d expect to see closer to the end of an album. I think it works pretty well as an opener, though. “Still of the Night” is my jam. And my favourite track is “Straight for the Heart,” which is probably the most upbeat song on the album. It sorta makes me think of Van Halen for some reason, though it doesn’t really sound like Van Halen. It’s also got my favourite guitar solo on an album that is absolutely laden with guitar solos.

I’ll keep it brief. I think that’s already more than enough of my amateurish musings on a 27-year-old album. If you like guitars and 80’s music at all, then this is something you’ll definitely like. In fact, if you’re into those things, you’ve probably already well aware of this particular album. I’m quite late to the party on this one.

Smash Speculation: Toon Ganondorf

We’ve seen a handful of alternate version characters that I’d like to see, and while I hesitate to suggest an outright character replacement, I have a very good reasoning behind making such a suggestion:

~ Toon Ganondorf ~

Here’s the thing: Ganondorf, in his current Smash incarnation, is boring as all heck. He’s the slowest guy on the roster, and he’s an outright copy of Captain Falcon. Also, Ganondorf just isn’t overly interesting to begin with. Not the beefy, realistic Ganondorf anyway. He’s so one-dimensional that it offends even me. Toon Ganondorf though? Now we’re talking.

The thing that makes Toon Ganondorf appealing to me is the way that he was portrayed in The Wind Waker. He was the same Ganondorf as in one or more of the previous games, and he was old and weary. He’d been beaten and sealed away at least once, and maybe had even turned into a pig monster for a brief moment in time. He was sick and tired of getting bested by the Hero of Whatever, and he knew what he had to do to finally seize victory.

Of course, that didn’t quite work out, but his backstory and demeanor in Wind Waker certainly make him the deepest and most interesting incarnation of Ganondorf. So let’s put that guy in. Give him a fresh set of moves, give him a slick new look, and make him a character worth playing as. I guess you’d have to give him a little more speed too. Ganondorf as-is is just too slow to bother with.

Obviously, this guy is going to be the real deal. No more Captain Falcon moves. TG will come boasting his dual blades as well as a few magical attacks. There are already a lot of sword users on the Smash lineup, but TG will be unique as the only one who wields two at once. He’ll have to put one away to pick up items and grab people, but that’s not really an issue. I think that all of his normal attacks would utilize the swords, and that his specials would be where his magic powers come into play. He doesn’t use much in the way of magic in Wind Waker, so it’s fitting that he relies mostly on physical strength here.

The smash attacks might differ a little too. You could go with the swords and make them generic big hit moves, but why not draw a little from his own physical strength. He gives Link a brutal beatdown with just his fists just before the final fight in Wind Waker, so make his forward smash a triple punch combo with a little forward momentum. Kinda like Link’s forward smash, but with three hits instead of two. Up smash is an uppercut or something, I guess. There isn’t a specific precedent to draw from, so we’ll just slot a generic move in there. Down smash should be a low forward kick, which TG uses in Wind Waker to knock Link on his butt if he’s blocking too much. Down smashes usually hit on both sides of a character, but this one can be one-way. It fits, trust me.

Down special is the easiest, it would be the somewhat overused counterattack; let’s call it Parry. To date, nine characters have some variation of a counterattack as one of their special moves. But it fits here! Parrying is an advanced technique in Wind Waker, and it’s the only game in the series that uses it. Not to mention that you must parry Ganondorf to strike the final blow against him in that game, so it’s also a bit of an ironic inclusion. Plus, TG is a swordfighter, so it only makes sense. I don’t know that it really needs any special attributes to make it stand out from the other counterattacks, but for fun, let’s just say that it works even against attacks that are normally unblockable.

Up special, I don’t know. We could give Toon Ganondorf his own version of the spin attack, which could have a wider attack range thank Link’s, but it would have slightly less power and maybe wouldn’t be as good for recovery. Maybe it moves better horizontally than vertically? On the other hand, perhaps he could have an upward sword thrust move more akin to Mario’s super jump punch. Coat the swords in magical flame or bolts and call it a day. Since there are variable special moves, you could even choose between giving the attack a fire, electric, or ice element.

Side special is a magic blast. Make it like Ganon’s, I guess. I really doubt that both of these characters would make it into the game, so I’ll let them share a special move. If you didn’t read the last entry, for whatever reason, basically it’s a magic ball that can be reflected back and forth, increasing in power each time it’s knocked back. You know, the tennis ball magic that’s in so many Zelda games. It works just fine with Toon Ganondorf, as his phantoms use it in Wind Waker.

For the neutral special, I want to use those phantoms again. Zelda has actually taken this attack for herself in Smash 4, where she summons a phantom to rush forward and attack. But Zelda summons an armored phantom from the DS games. TG would summon the ghostly phantom from Wind Waker (natch), which would function essentially the same. Since TG’s phantom floats though, you could direct it upward (and downward if using it in midair), rather than having it move on a strictly horizontal path.

Toon Ganondorf’s final smash was easy to think up. He summons the Helmaroc King (the huge bird from Wind Waker) and it swoops across the stage a few times. If it manages to grab any of the other combatants, it’ll immediately chuck them off the screen. Instant KO final smashes aren’t necessarily the greatest, but I like this one. It works with the character and it’s not a sure thing, so it’s fair enough.

So yeah, there you go. Ganondorf completely rebuilt with his very own moveset for a new generation of Smash. As much as I’d like to see Pig Ganon show up as a fighter, I think that giving Ganondorf an overhaul is the much more plausible situation. Even if he doesn’t get the Toon treatment, I’ll be happy if he’s able to move out of that clone ghetto and get some more fitting attacks. It’s not very becoming of the baddest guy on the roster.

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On sleep and moving pictures

Back at work today after another week of vacation. This one was an especially grueling return, as I unintentionally developed a habit of staying up until 3 AM and sleeping until around 11 during my time off. This is not good, as someone who normally sleeps from 11 PM to 6 AM. Needless to say, I had a rather difficult time staying awake at work today. By noon I’d downed three cappuccinos, which is one more than I usually drink during the span of an entire workday.

Why was I staying up so late, you ask. Mostly because of computer games. See, I don’t have a clock in my basement, and if my phone is too close to my PC, it causes a weird disruption in the speakers, which then emit some really annoying staticy beeping noises. So all I have to tell time is the computer clock. Which is covered up while playing games in fulllscreen. When I don’t have any plans, I tend to not worry about time as much, and so I’d often end up playing a game until I started feeling tired, and when I close the game and check the clock: oh my goodness! It’s three in the morning! I didn’t realize I’d been playing for so long.

And that’s why it’s better to play console games.

Or something like that. The point is, that I wasted another week of vacation. But that’s pretty much all I intend to do with them anyway. It’s not like I have any money to go away with, so I just enjoy loafing around at home for a week. Makes me happy, at least.

I did watch the first two Gamera movies, though. I own the 11-movie set (which is only missing the 2006 reboot), and so far so good. They’re pretty short too, running an average time of about 80 minutes. That’s actually a good thing, as you really don’t want a lot of padding in your kaiju films. Basically you just need a set-up, the villain monster doing its thing, and then the good monster showing up for a beat-down. It’s a good time to be had by all, as long as you can see the beauty of two guys swiping at each other while wearing goofy rubber suits.

It’s pretty reasonably priced on Amazon, so if you’ve got a thing for classic kaiju flicks, it’s quite a bargain. And really, how can you not love Gamera? Godzilla is the king of the monsters, sure, but Gamera is so innately lovable. Maybe it’s just because I’ve got a thing for turtles.

I also watched a lot more TV than usual, finishing off the episodes of Portlandia offered by Netflix, and the first two seasons of Seinfeld. The latter is well-known, and still one of my all-time favourite TV shows. Portlandia you may not have heard of. It’s a sketch comedy show that pokes fun mostly at hipsters, but also other wackos like overzealous feminists and hippies. It’s usually pretty funny, and occasionally even hilarious. Definitely a good watch.

I guess that’s about it. I could go into greater detail about my video game adventures, but that’s what the Monthend Wrap-Up is for.Now I’m just going to struggle through the next month of work while I eagerly anticipate my next and final week of vacation time.

Smash Speculation: Ganon

Smash Bros is a fighting game that pits many of Nintendo’s beloved heroes against each other in brutal combat. But why is it all about heroes? To date, there is one villain character confirmed for the new games. Two if you consider Dedede a villain (he’s not). Three if you assume that Ganondorf will be making a return. What I’m saying here is: Smash needs more bad guys!

~ GANON ~

Who better than the original villain of the Zelda series, the evil wizard Ganon? Nintendo has sort of brushed this piggly form off to the side to give his human form, Ganondorf, the spotlight. I don’t like this trend. While they’re essentially the same baddie, I find Ganon to be the more interesting and threatening version. Ganondorf is just a regular old power-hungry sociopath. When Ganondorf claimed the Triforce for himself, it reflected his evil nature and twisted his physical form into the blue pig version that you see above.

Ganon carries a massive trident, but he’s always been more keen on ranged combat. His original incarnation fought by teleporting around the room (while also being invisible) and chucking fireballs at Link. When he got his trident in A Link to the Past, he still only fought by throwing it and warping around his chamber. When that proved to be an unsuccessful tactic, he ditched the trident and went back to magical attacks. This isn’t to say that Ganon wouldn’t use the weapon for close-range combat. No, he’s got to have some physical skills to stay in the game, but I think that his slow speed and preference for magic attacks would make him weaker in the physical department.

So what about smashes? Forward smash is the easy one: Ganon throws his trident out slightly in front of him (think Falco’s reflector in Brawl) and it spins around for a second. Down smash could be a low trident swipe at both sides, or maybe Ganon plunges the trident into the ground and it creates a small lightning field on the ground around him. Up smash is the one where I’m stuck. I like the idea of having Ganon send out a flaming keese though.

Neutral special is the most interesting one here. Ganon fires off a ball of magic straight ahead, though potentially it can be curved like Link’s arrows or Zelda’s fireball. The magic ball can be reflected by a sword or similar attack. Ganon can then strike the returning ball to reflect it again, and this cycle will repeat until it flies away or hits someone. Each reflect would increase the magic ball’s power, and it would have an electrical effect upon hitting a target. This attack is taken from A Link to the Past, where it is Agahnim’s signature move, and the only way to defeat him. Agahnim, if you weren’t aware, is Ganon’s Light World alter ego.

Ganon’s side special would also be pried from Agahnim’s repertoire: a simple lightning bolt. Or maybe multiple bolts fanning out at a shallow angle. I can’t think of any especially interesting mechanics for this move, maybe it could cause a small amount of damage through shields, but not be able to break them? Anyway, it’s not a super long-distance attack, only going maybe three or four body lengths away from Ganon, but it’ll get the job done.

Down special is a difficult one to peg, but at first, I like an earthquake move. Say it’s based on the Quake Medallion for A Link to the Past. Ganon thrusts his trident into the ground (again) and creates a quake effect in a decent radius around him. Obviously it doesn’t affect fighters in the air, and if Ganon himself is airborne, he’ll throw the trident straight down and create the same effect, only the weapon itself would now be able to cause damage if it hits someone. If you don’t like that, maybe he gets a warping move where he vanishes, shows up a few lengths away, and then attacks in the opposite direction. Or maybe he warps directly behind the nearest fighter to attack.

Up special I had to think about for a while, but I like the idea of drawing a little from Ganon’s appearance in Four Swords Adventures, and giving him a tornado attack. In that game, he does manipulate Vaati the wind mage, so why not have a wind-based attack. He also uses a jump move while twirling his trident above his head, so just mash that all up together and you’ve got a special attack. Basically what I’m thinking here is Ganon conjures up a tornado around him and then floats up through it with the twirling trident. The tornado will suck up any fighters who get too close, and if they get hit by the trident, they’ll go flying away.

Ganon’s final smash is, as usual, where I’m getting stuck. We could just go with the obvious callback, where Ganon becomes invisible and teleports around the stage launching fireballs at the other fighters. We could go a little more creative and have him summon up a bunch of monsters to attack. We could have him do a line-of-sight attack like Zelda and Link, invoking his Triforce of Power to stun an opponent while he lobs magic attacks at them, and finishes with a big hit (perhaps he throws the trident at them and a bolt of lightning strikes it?).

I definitely need to workshop this one a little more before it’s a good idea, but I think there’s a solid base there. I honestly believe in my heart that Ganon has a good chance of joining the roster. For the longest time he was the second-most iconic villain in Nintendo’s stable, supplanted only by his less interesting human form. All the kids are clamoring for Ridley, but there’s another Nintendo monster that I’d much rather see.

Previous: Chibi-Robo

Next: Toon Ganondorf

For Shovelry!

I’ve made a handful of posts containing brief thoughts on Shovel Knight. They all essentially say that it’s been added to my short list of Favourite Games Ever. There’s a ton of reasons to love Shovel Knight, but only one exists within the realm of e-commerce: the Shovel Knight Original Soundtrack.

Composed mainly by the exceptionally talented Jake Kaufman (maybe you know him as virt), with a handful of tracks contributed by the legendary Manami Matsumae, the Shovel Knight soundtrack is a thing of rare glory. It’s 48 tracks of nostalgic beauty, perfectly capturing the essence of the best NES soundtracks. Honestly, I’d say that it easily rivals the Mega Man 2 soundtrack, and that’s a pretty bold claim. I won’t say that every track is pure gold, but almost all of them are.

“Strike the Earth” is far and away the best track on the album, and both of the Black Knight battle themes are kickin’. The main stage themes are all really nice, and certainly add an extra dose of personality to their stages. One of the touches that I really love is that The Order Of No Quarter themes are all amped-up arrangements of the a stage themes. Nothing else really stands out to me, but it’s all good listening no less.

If I had to detract points anywhere, I suppose it’s a little silly that they included all three variations of the village theme as separate three-minute tracks. And one after another, even. They’re not really that different from each other, and they certainly didn’t all need to be so long. Ah well, it’s a minor thing, but still pretty odd.

If just the OST isn’t enough to slake your thirst for Shovel Knight tuneage, there’s also an arrangement album available, called Strike The Earth!, which includes 18 remixed tracks by a bunch of artists I’ve mostly never heard of. Most likely they’re arrangement artists from sites OCRemix and whatnot. Also, I guess some are songs that virt made specifically for trailers.

I bought the OST on the day that it was released, but held off on Strike The Earth! for a month or so. That was a mistake, as the remix album is just as good. I don’t want to say better, but it really cuts down on the cruft and keeps all of the excellence. There’s a particularly wonderful remix of the Iron Whale stage theme on there, which was one of my favourite tracks to begin with, so that’s a nice bonus. And of course, the remixes of the Black Knight’s battle theme and “Strike the Earth” are amazing. My absolute favourite of the bunch though, is “No Sense Running,” a dubstep remix of the Lost City stage theme with some vocal flourishes. Normally I don’t even like dubstep, so take that as you will.

Both the OST and Strike the Earth! are available on Jake Kaufman’s Bandcamp page, so I highly suggest that you click over there right away and get busy buying these. Have I mentioned that they’re really good? Because they are. And you can pay as much or as little as you want for them, so there’s really no reason not to get them. If you have any interest in NES-styled video game music, this is pretty much the cream of the crop. Help support an awesome game with an awesome soundtrack and buy at least the OST. Shovel Knight is exactly the kind of video game that I want to be playing, and I’m damn well going to spread the word where I can.

Guy Who Makes Fun of Amazon Reviews (Aug 4/14)

I’ve been frantically catching up on No More Whoppers lately, and one of my favourite segments on the show is the fairly rare “Guy Who Doesn’t Understand Wikipedia.” That’s really just my reasoning for having named this post what I did. This won’t be nearly as short or funny as that skit usually is.

When I browse Amazon, I often stop to read a few of the user reviews of items that I’m interested in. Sometimes they’re helpful when I’m trying to discern details of a product, or when I need a little extra push before I put an item in my cart. Other times, they are something else entirely.

I won’t give any details on what product this is a review of, or who the person is that posted it (should be easy enough to Google if you’re that interested), but here’s the entirety of an Amazon user review that I saw recently:

“The only thing that would make volume two better than volume one is if it will have carrecter and vehicle bios on everything and everyone on the show , aswell as an explanation as to why the show had to end in a cliffhanger . Note : A cliffhanger is when a show ends with the story unfinished , the bad guys are still at large and your left wondering what is ( or in this case was ) sapose to happen next but with that question never getting ansered .”

What even is this? This isn’t a review! I’m not even outraged at the copious spelling errors. What bothers me is the fact that this person is assuming that there might be someone out there who doesn’t know what a cliffhanger is, and spends half of his review giving a loose explanation of the concept.

In all fairness, it’s entirely possible that there are people in this world who don’t know what a cliffhanger is. But those people are not the ones who are browsing TV DVDs on Amazon. I can guaranteed you that much. I really hate it when people feel like they have to go out of their way to explain really common concepts.

Actually the spelling is bugging me a little, but that’s not really the point. Proper spelling wouldn’t make this “review” any less stupid.

Year of N64 Bonus Round Q2 – Pokémon Snap

It might surprise you to learn that I wasn’t overly kind to Pokémon Snap back in its day. I played the game obsessively to completion, and then dumped all over it for being too short and too easy if anyone asked. Of course, this was my professional Stupid Teenage Gamer opinion, trotted out mostly to save face in a harsh middle school world. Deep down inside, I knew that Pokémon Snap was something special. Something magical.

Pokémon Snap is a short game. There are six courses, which take around 5-8 minutes to traverse, and one shorter special course to cap it off. I dragged my wife along for the ride this time, and while the five hours it took us to clear the game 100% seemed like a leisurely afternoon gaming session to me, she was chomping at the bit to get moving onto something else at around the three-and-a-half hour mark. She did stick it out to the end for me, and the experience was all the more special to me for it. That’s why I love her!

So! Pokémon Snap. What is it? It’s a photography game, which is an unusual kind of game to make, but that’s kind of what Nintendo is all about. You choose a course (unless you’re just starting out) and then you’re plopped into a weird vehicle which guides you along the stage. Pokémon litter the environments, and your job is to take the best darn picture you can of each and every one of ’em.

What makes this more interesting is the way that you can interact with the pokémon. At first, you can’t do anything but take pictures, and you’re at the whims of the game to find opportunities for good shots. As you progress though, you’ll be given a few different items. Apples will draw the attention of pokémon, who will gravitate over to any apples thrown in their vicinity. Usually they’ll just eat the apple, but some pokémon may do a little happy dance afterward, or perhaps even fight over the foodstuffs. You can even throw apples right at pokémon to bonk them and provoke different reactions.

Pester balls are basically the opposite of apples. You toss one at a pokémon and it’ll run away or get angry at you. They probably do other things too, but I can’t be bothered to remember what. The poké flute is exactly what it sounds like, and when you play a tune on it, nearby pokémon will start dancing. As a reference to Pokémon Red and Blue, it also wakes up sleeping pokémon. The poké flute plays several different tunes, but I never experimented with them to see if they got different results.

Stages are all preset, and your movement through them is automatic. If you don’t throw anything at them, pokémon will always play out the same actions every time you visit a stage. The final item, the motor, increases the speed of your vehicle so that maybe you can see what pokémon are doing before you’re supposed to arrive at their point. It’s not overly useful, but it’s nice if you’re returning to a stage for a single pokémon and just want to zip past the rest.

Only 63 of the 151 original pokémon are featured in the game, and not all of them are just sitting around waiting to get their pictures taken. You’ll have to take full advantage of all the tools at your disposal if you want to snap ’em all. Some are easy enough to coax out of hiding, but some of the methods for making certain pokémon appear are totally inscrutable without a guide. You’ll probably make Starmie appear eventually if you keep playing the Valley course, but you’ll never guess what it was that triggered it.

It’s not a particularly beefy game, but what is there is really worth playing. It won’t take you too long to get to the end, but you’ll need to be clever and resourceful if you want to complete the pokémon report. Of course, hours upon hours can be added on if you enjoy trying to take the highest scoring pictures of every monster. Pokémon Snap is a great game, and the perfect way to spend a lazy weekend afternoon.

(If you’re interested, I wrote a thing about the Virtual Console release of Pokémon Snap a few years ago.)

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up: July 2014

I touched on it briefly last month, but as you’ll see if you keep reading, I’m really getting into the swing of my personal Steam Train. It’s time to start actually playing some of the 150+ games registered on my Steam account! Also I had a week of vacation early in the month, so I had a lot of extra time for gaming this month and this may be the longest MVGW to date.

I would like to direct your attention to the banner below, which was uploaded and visible when this post went live, as opposed to a few days later. Maybe I’m actually starting to clean up my act here?

~ Now Playing ~

Tokyo Jungle (PS3) – One of the two PS3-exclusive games that I have any interest in, I’d say that Tokyo Jungle is worth owning the console for. For me, at least. It gets awfully repetitive, but there is enough randomization and a huge roster of animals (50ish, then even more as DLC), so it’s stayed fresh enough for me to pour a good number of hours into it. I’ve still only started unlocking the cooler animals though, so there’s lots and lots of game left for me to experience.

Toki Tori 2+ (PC) – Working to scratch more games off my PC to-do list, I booted up Toki Tori 2+, and it’s quite a unique game! It’s a puzzle platformer, but every puzzle has to be solved with a only two actions and the way those actions affect the environment and other animals. It’s pretty fun, and some of the puzzles are downright devious. I’ve gotten myself stuck though, and I think that I might like this game enough that I’m not willing to consult a FAQ just so that I can move on. I feel like this one is worth solving on my own. But nuts to gathering all the collectibles. That’s a fool’s errand if I’ve ever seen one.

Continue reading Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up: July 2014

Dark Souls: Amazing chest, indeed

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan finally breached Anor Londo castle, and then after navigating the place, accidentally fell out of a window.

Before I was viciously slain by bat-demons, I had unlocked what I was assuming was a shortcut into the Anor Londo castle hall. Unfortunately, the last bonfire I’d rested at was all the way on the other side of the castle, so I was forced to fight my way through all the silver knights again to get back into the great hall. I retraced my steps up the balcony and out the window, then booked all the way back across the bridge to the little bonfire room on the terrace opposite of the castle.

After setting a slightly more convenient respawning point, I ran back to the castle again, but without the horrible sense of dread that usually accompanied the approach. I beat up the sentinel guarding the newly unlocked path, and inched my way through the gate, hoping to catch the bat-demons off-guard. I wasn’t able to get the drop on them, but at the very least, I managed to take them out one at a time.

Just past the bat-demons was a tower. Inside the tower was a staircase leading upward and into the castle’s main hall. Also, there was a gigantic blacksmith hammering away. I browsed his wares and had him make some upgrades to my equipment before moving on.

I came into the main hall on the opposite side that I’d first entered it. A silver knight with a dragonslayer bow waited for me at the bottom of the stairs, and there was a summon sign waiting halfway down the staircase. I ambled down and summoned the phantom of my old friend Solaire. He immediately jumped off the ledge and engaged the nearby sentinel as I more cautiously descended the stairs. The two sentinels in the hall were a little more advanced than the ones that I’d been fighting up until now. For one, they jumped around a lot more often. They also had a wide-ranged burst attack and were able to heal themselves if Solaire and I gave them enough time.

We eventually felled the sentinels, but had taken quite a bit of damage in doing so. At the far end of the hall was the main castle gate. We wandered over to it, but it was far too large for us to open. Luckily, there was a handy lever off to the side, and pulling it opened the massive doors for us. Since I was hurting pretty bad, I opted to run back to the bonfire for a recharge, but Solaire got distracted by the sentinel standing outside. I assume that it finished him off, as he didn’t ever catch up to me.

I returned to the castle and ran past the regular sentinels into the hall. I thought that they would give up if I ran in far enough, but they did not. So I had two regular sentinels and one super-sentinel hounding me. It did not go well. You Died.

I quickly found that the safest way to enter the castle was via the giant balcksmith’s tower. The shortcut gate was too small for the sentinel to pass through, which caused him to forget about me after I made it through, and the bat-demons didn’t follow me very far if I just ran past them. I summoned Solaire again and we fought the super-sentinels. Things took a turn for the worse and we accidentally angered them both at once. You Died.

That happened at least one more time. You Died. Probably even twice. That whole area was like a fever-dream of death and resurrection. You Died.

We did eventually kill the super-sentinels without being critically wounded, and there was nothing left to do at that point besides enter the Fog Gate. On the other side stood the most grueling test of my entire journey: Ornstein and Smaugh. Dragon Slayer Ornstein was a knight twice my size, who carried an equally sizeable spear. Executioner Smough was a massive blob of a man (the fat:muscle ratio I couldn’t tell), equipped with a war hammer that could easily crush me in a single blow. The two rushed us and we decided to split up: Solaire took on Ornstein and I drew Smough’s attention.

The fight did not go well. Solaire was slaughtered almost immediately, and I was crushed very quickly after the two rejoined forces. You Died.

Before round two, I decided that it might be best to simply run past the super-sentinels in an effort to conserve health for the bosses. I made it to the Fog Wall unscathed, but Solaire took a few lumps on the way. The rematch did go better, but still not well by any stretch. The both of us unleashed our fury on Ornstein, thinking that taking out one as fast as possible would be our best hope for survival. Smough was still pounding away at us of course, and Solaire died off quickly, but Ornstein was very near death and it was trivial to finish him off.

It was not the boon I’d hoped for though, as Smough stepped up and absorbed the power of his fallen comrade, imbuing him with additional speed and lightning powers. Super-Smough quickly turned me into paste, as I was not at all ready for his new jumping attack. You Died.

Round three was about the same, only we killed Smough first. This was a terrible, terrible mistake. For all the power that Super-Smough had gained, when Ornstein powered-up, he grew three sizes and became much more vicious. Super-Ornstein was slower than his original form, but I wasn’t able to run away for long. Before I knew it, I was impaled on that spear, watching everything fade to black. You Died.

Knowing now that Ornstein should be the first to go, we tried again. I managed to put up a fight against Super-Smough for a while, but his butt-slam attack sprayed out a field of lightning that caused my body to seize up long enough for him to turn me into a fine paste with that giant hammer of his. You Died.

That was pretty much what happened over and over again. You Died.

Over and over and over again. You Died. You Died. You Died.

Finally, our luck turned. Solaire managed to outlive Ornstein, which gave us a bit of an advantage. He distracted Super-Smough while I ran in to deal a truckload of damage. That strategy didn’t last long, but it was enough to get my licks in. Solaire’s phantom vanished after a particularly vicious assualt, and I was left to try to dodge the swings of the hammer as I kept picking away at Super-Smough’s life. It was such a blur that I didn’t notice that he had died, and kept swinging at his body even after it had stopped moving.

I collapsed on the ground and chugged my last dose of Estus. I don’t know how long I laid there, appreciating the silence.

I moved on to the back of the room, where I found an elevator that took me to the room’s upper balcony. Above, I found an entrance into another room, in which I met the Princess of Sunlight, Gwynevere. She was a massive woman, many times larger than the giant blacksmith and Super-Ornstein. As she laid there, with her equally enormous assets hanging out for all the world to see, she started prattling on. I was still a little shook up from having been killed so many times so quickly that I mostly just tuned her out.

Honestly I was also a little too mesmerized by that rack to listen.

In the end, she gave me the Lordvessel, which I would use to collect some special souls or something. More importantly, it would allow me to instantly travel from any bonfire to… most other bonfires. Why it was picky about the destination I’ll never know, but it was a great help at any rate.

As it happens, there was a bonfire right in front of the door to Gwynevere’s room, so I hobbled over and put my new toy to work. Before I knew it, I found myself back at Firelink Shrine. Things were starting to go my way again.

Tune in next time for Part 28: Blast From The Past