Category: Retro Gaming

I have played Donkey Kong 64 to 101% completion at least twice in my lifetime. Possibly even three times, but I can only clearly remember the two. I have fond memories of the game, recalling only a single instance -a mini-game, at that- that caused me fits of frustration. However, in 2014, Donkey Kong 64 seems like nothing but an exercise in frustration.

I’m getting a little ahead of myself there, though. If you’re not familiar with it, Donkey Kong 64 is a 3D platformer developed by Rare. Playing it again, I couldn’t help but feel like it’s more a sequel to Banjo-Kazooie than any previous Donkey Kong game. The mechanics are the same, the games feel the same, even the music is incredibly similar. Both games are packed to the gills with collectible doo-dads.

The big difference, and what works in Banjo-Kazooie’s favour, is that BK only has one playable character. Well, two, but they’re eternally bonded together (at least until the sequel). Donkey Kong 64 has five playable characters, and as such, you need to scour each stage (and the hub!) five times to collect each one’s differently-coloured set of items. Yes, each Kong has a unique set of skills, but Banjo and Kazooie had just as many skills crammed into one character. It feels like having multiple characters is just a smokescreen, making it seem like there’s more to the game than there actually is.

The character-switching isn’t a major gripe though. There are much more pressing and infuriating matters at hand here. Firstly, Donkey Kong 64 has what must be the most openly antagonistic camera in all of video games. It’s not the worst in outdoor environments, but indoors, it basically refuses to ever be in the right place because it cannot deal with walls. It does not pan freely, but rather it always moves in chunks, and is never, ever right behind the player. This makes precision platforming much harder than it needs to be, especially with the somewhat loose controls. Even worse, is that the camera does not stay fixed at the angle you choose, and will start floating all over as soon as you start moving. I’m sure it’s intentionally trying to make me miss jumps.

Camera management woes aside, the game was pretty smooth out of the gate. Everything was going well for the first two worlds. I was collecting bananas, learning new abilities, rescuing fellow Kongs, trampling bosses. It was all well and good. Then came world three. In this world, you’re given the opportunity to play the original Donkey Kong arcade game. In fact, you have to beat it to win a golden banana. This was a pain in the butt, as you only get one life, and when you lose it, you get booted all the way out of the game. If it even just sent you back to the title screen, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but each time you die, it’s a good thirty seconds until you start your next run.

Donkey Kong isn’t terribly difficult for an arcade game. I managed to win after about half an hour. But then you have to play it again. With increased difficulty (more fireballs, DK throws barrels at different angles, etc). This is where it becomes a truly massive pain, as round two seems to be simply to win a unique kajigger. It’s not until the very end of the game, though, that you’re informed that you need this kajigger to fight the final boss. Thanks, Rare. You’re kind of a dick.

Not all the collectibles are quite so bad, though. Each stage has a whopping 500 small bananas to collect, 100 for each Kong. Luckily, you’re awarded a banana medal for collecting only 75 of each colour, and only the medals count towards your game clear percentage, so you don’t have to go out of your mind tracking down each and every one. Of course, if you’re not playing to 101%, it’s not an issue anyway. Also, collecting 15 banana medals unlocks Rare’s classic arcade game, Jetpac, which is a bit more fun than Donkey Kong. You have to win another unique thingamajig from Jetpac. It’s not easy, but it’s much less of a hassle to earn that one.

There are 25 golden bananas (the game’s main collectible) in each stage, 5 to be found by each Kong. Most of the golden bananas are earned by completing a challenge or making use of a Kong’s skill. Sometimes, though, you’ll also have to win a mini-game to get your banana. Some are just boring and simple, like one where you have to win a slot machine several times or collect a handful of coins in a small maze. Some are actually pretty fun, like the one where you have to pilot a minecart around a track while avoiding other, more explosive minecarts. And then there’s Beaver Bother.

Beaver Bother is a mini-game in which you play as a Klaptrap tasked with herding a number of Gnawtys into a hole. Sounds simple. You run around and bark at the beavers, and they fall in. Or, that’s how it’s supposed to work. In reality, the beavers are way smarter than they should be, and are able to consistently run up against the edge of the hole and not fall in, as if there’s an invisible railing around it. Sometimes they do fall in, though. I don’t know what triggers it. The game seems to run entirely on luck, and it took me forever to win each of the four instances of this stupid game. There’s another one, Big Bug Bash, where you’re a flyswatter and you… swat flies. It’s a little tedious too, but that’s just because the flies are quick and unpredictable, not because the game seems fundamentally broken.

It should be noted that the first time you play Beaver Bother is in world three.

Also, for whatever reason, my game did not save properly after I completed world three, resulting in me losing a couple hours of progress. I was almost ready to throw in the towel after that. I’m sure it’s not the game’s fault or anything, but it sure didn’t ameliorate my already soured opinion of it.

I need to stop to say a nice thing about the game here. And that’s that I love the music. It takes a few cues from some more iconic Donkey Kong Country tracks, but then just spins off and ends up sounding mostly like Banjo-Kazooie. Which is just fine, because Banjo-Kazooie has a terrific soundtrack. I always enjoy Grant Kirkhope’s work.

Despite all the things that tried to hard to frustrate me to the point of quitting, I powered through and completed Donkey Kong 64 yet again. Like, to 101%. I know, I’m a little crazy. The pain was softened by a cheat for unlimited resources like ammo  banana coins, and crystal coconuts (which power special abilities). This cheat had been unlocked by a previous save file, and I had no qualms with using it to make my life a little easier this time around. Of course, it didn’t help me with the more frustrating parts of the game, but at least I never had to worry about running out of thingamabobs.

The final verdict is that no, Donkey Kong 64 is not a good game in 2014. I could have defended it in 1999, when most other games were even worse, but it hasn’t got a leg to stand on any longer. I would really like to see a modernized remake that fixes the camera and controls, redoes or replaces the mini-games, and otherwise sands down the other rough edges. Because this is a game I’d like to be able to like. The fact of the matter is that you’re much better off playing the Banjo-Kazooie port on XBLA if you’re jonesing for some Rare-style 3D platforming.

Bomberman 64 took me the entire month to finish, despite the fact that the game clock only reads about two hours of playtime. I can’t explain this phenomenon in any other way than a simple “I had no desire to play it.”

Where did that lack of interest come from? It could be because I had filled my plate well over its edges in August, and simply was so busy with other, more relevant video games that I couldn’t be bothered to make time for Bomberman. Or it could just have something to do with Bomberman 64 not being all that fun. Spoiler: It’s both of those reasons.

I used to love Bomberman. Like, you have no idea. I bought Bomberman Generations for a whopping $100 when it first came out (though I can’t tell you why it was so ridiculously overpriced). I couldn’t help it, I was a stupid teenager at the time. As time moves on though, I find myself less and less enchanted with the franchise. Playing the classic multiplayer mode is still probably the most fun you can have with video games, but single-player Bomberman doesn’t really interest me at all any more.

So it really doesn’t help that Bomberman 64 is fairly lackluster. First of all, it’s a short game. A really, really short game. There are five worlds, and each world is made up of four stages. Two of those stages are action/puzzle levels, where you explore, blow stuff up, and make your way to the exit. The other two stages are a duel with an evil bomber-person, and the world boss. so really you’re only looking at ten stages total. Well, twelve, but more on that later.

The action stages are fairly fun. For the most part, they put you in a big open level, and then leave you to your business of finding the exit. They all have some sort of puzzle element, like chasing down an enemy who has stolen the exit (???) or closing a series of dams so that you can traverse previously waterlogged areas. Not all of them are very inspired though. One level simply has three levers right next to the exit that you have to trigger by throwing bombs at them.

Throwing bombs is a big deal though, and ends up being one of the major gimmicks of Bomberman 64’s gameplay. In the 2D games, Bomberman needs a special item to pick up and throw bombs, but here it’s an innate ability. Not only can you pick up and toss bombs, but you can also pump them up to make big bombs, which are necessary in pretty much every stage, as they can destroy things that normal bombs can’t (usually scenery). You’ve also got to be good at throwing bombs to injure most of the bosses, but it’s a little more annoying there. See, you don’t just press a button after laying a bomb to pick it up. You need to step away, turn around, and then pick it up. Bomberman can be a little finnicky about this. If you get too close, he’ll just kick it, and if you’re on uneven ground, there’s a very good chance that he just won’t do anything. In a regular stage, it’s not a dealbreaker, but during hectic boss fights, it can be a real pain in the patoot.

Bomber duels are still the most annoying part of the game though. Imagine if you will, a one-on-one Bomberman game against an AI player in a wide open arena. They’re faster than you, and they can use a special projectile attack in addition to their bombs. It’s not a good time. Fortunately, the evil bombers in this one are a little stupider than in later games. On more than one occasion I witnessed an enemy bomber try to walk through a bomb, and simply keep rubbing up against it until it blew up. The actual bosses are somewhat less difficult, as they’re big monsters with defined attack patterns, and at least one is susceptible to a one-hit kill. That or the game glitched in my favour. That’s not to say that they’re easy, but they’re less frustrating than the bombers.

The game pads itself out a little by offering a small selection of collectibles for you to find. First are the costume pieces, which I’ll talk about in a bit. Then there are the Gold Cards. There are five of these in each stage. They show up in later Bomberman games as well (as “Lightning Cards”), and have been a source of many a headache for me. Some of them are just tucked away in corners, one is a reward for beating a stage under a certain time. I assume that some are earned by completing a special requirement and possibly for killing so many foes in a stage, but I mostly just ignored them so I can’t say that for sure The problem with that is that the real final world unlocks after you earn all 100 Gold Cards. I decided that it wasn’t really worth the time or effort.

The multiplayer in Bomberman 64 is exactly what you’d expect, and I don’t feel that I have to really say anything about it. Who isn’t familiar with multiplayer Bomberman? The one note that I need to make is that the costume parts that you collect in the single-player mode and use to dress up your Bomberman are only usable in multiplayer. It’s kind of silly that you can’t use your custom Bomberman in the story mode, but what can you do?

It’s important to note that Bomberman 64 was the very first 3D Bomberman, so that goes a way in explaining why the game is rough around the edges. The later games did get better, so the issues with Bomberman 64 are definitely more growing pains than anything else. And it’s not like there’s even anything explicity wrong with the game; it just doesn’t do anything overly interesting with that extra dimension. f you’ve got to play a Nintendo 64 Bomberman, play Bomberman 64: The Second Attack. It’s a little more meaty, and has a cooperative story mode. I probably should have played that instead, now that I think about it…