2021 is going to be a good year. Not only because it’s probably going to look that way in relation to the garbage fire that was 2020, but also because I’m going to spend it playing ALL OF THE ZELDAS.
Well, not all of the Zeldas. I’m going to skip all of the spin-offs and games that were never legitimately released. CD-i, I’m looking at you.
So, why am I doing this? 2021 marks the 35th anniversary of The Legend of Zelda, and while I’m sure Nintendo is going to put together a big to-do for it, this is how I’m celebrating one of my favourite video game series. Also I’ve had Zelda on the brain for a couple months now and I figured this is a good way to work that out of my system.
I guess that Nintendo is going to shame me annually about how much time I waste playing video games. I like statistical data, but I was kind of hoping that it was just going to be a fun thing they did in 2019. Nope!
Here’s the breakdown from the email they sent me:
10 fewer hours than last year. Not bad. Still… yikes.
It’s December 1998. The world is a simpler, kinder place. The internet is still young, and social media is thankfully many years away. My family doesn’t even have the internet yet, so I don’t even know what it’s used for at this point. It’s just a thing that I hear people talk about now and then.
Then one fateful day, my uncle introduces us all to the biggest phenomenon of the decade: Elf Bowling.
The Void (PC) – Artsy horror-ish game that I may have liked if not for three factors: 1. Gesture-based commands that don’t work very well. 2. Overcomplicated gameplay systems that make no sense. 3. Your character moves slower than molasses – at running speed. Into the bin with ye!
Stories Untold (Switch) – A text-based adventure game anthology that takes place over four separate mini-episodes. Each one introduces some new gameplay element and a new scenario. While the gameplay can be a little tedious, the stories are great and go off in wildly unexpected directions. I bought this on sale for $7 and I kind of want to give the developer the difference because it was fantastic. Likely to be on my 2020 GOTY list.
You know how it is. This month, it’s all about judging games on how SPOOKY they are. Let us see!
~ Game Over ~
Shadows Peak (PC) – A game about exploring an island to find your girlfriend, all the while being pursued by ghosts and a teddy bear possessed by the spirit of a fire demon. I also streamed it so you can watch that if you want to know more about the BIG TWIST(S). The scariest thing about it is that I can’t trace back where I even got this game… Spook Factor: 8.5
Vernon’s Legacy (PC) – Spooky house adventure-’em-up. Doesn’t have a lot going on, other than an endless supply of text logs to read through. I quit after an hour because I was stuck and bored. Spook Factor: 3
Sophie’s Curse (PC) – Another haunted house game, but this time there are lots of things happening. Mostly a spooky ghost girl out to murder you. The goal is to run around and keep the crank-powered lights active throughout the night to keep her away. It’s a lot of fun, nice and short, and very scary. I’ll be seeing Sophie’s face in my nightmares for weeks. Spook Factor: 10
It’s the big day! I think I’ve done a pretty darn good job of enjoying the season this year, and it helps that I capped it off with a playthrough of my most favouritest horror game of all time. Maybe I should have made some time to watch the movie at some point… Oh well! Embed below!
God of War (PS4) – I’m quite surprised at how much I liked it, and especially how effective the ending was. It was completely the opposite of every video game ending ever, and I thought it was great. Totally caught me by surprise. If you missed it, I already wrote a bunch about this one.
FNAF AR: Special Delivery (iOS) – I wasn’t expecting much, but got even less than that, because the game kept crashing after being open for a minute. So I barely even know what it’s about. It may because my phone is sorely outdated, but I prefer to think that the app is just that poorly-made. Deleted after about 10 minutes of struggling against it.
Yesterday, Nintendo uploaded a fun new promotional video to show off all the junk they’re going to try to sell you for Mario’s 35th anniversary. You can watch it below.
And it’s like, okay, most of these products I don’t really give a sniff about. The LEGO, the t-shirts, the AR Mario Kart… thing, a Super Mario 3D World re-release. Cool things that fans might enjoy, but are not for me, specifically. But there were a couple items that I would definitely buy, like the Super Mario 3D All-Stars collection. And maybe that neat Game&Watch machine. And also Super Mario Bros 35, which is free-to-play so why not.
But then you stop and think about the history of Nintendo and special merch like this. That Super Mario Bros Game&Watch machine is going to be obscenely rare, and will quickly skyrocket in price on eBay and whatnot. So I’ve already convinced myself that I actually don’t care about it and that I’m not even going to bother trying to buy one. It’s unfortunate because the consumer whore in me is hurting, but the reality is that there’s really no need for it anyway. I’m better off without. I already have many avenues through which to play Super Mario Bros.
I’m also completely perplexed by the idea that Nintendo is only going to be selling Super Mario 3D All-Stars for six months. And then it’s gone. Into the Disney vault, as they say. I could understand a short run on physical cartridges, but the digital version too? It’s an incredibly weird choice. But it doesn’t really affect me because you know I’m picking that collection up on day one anyway.
The thing that really, truly makes me grumpy is that Super Mario Bros 35 is going to be a limited time only thing. I know that nothing lasts forever, and that I should focus on enjoying it while it’s around, but I just can’t understand why Nintendo wouldn’t choose to support this awesome idea for more than a few months. I could absolutely see myself picking it up for a run or two every so often like I do with Tetris 99, but it is not meant to be.
So, grumps aside, I’m really happy that I’ll be able to play Super Mario 64 on yet another machine. That is, after all, the true meaning of life.
Ellen (Switch) – Pixel-art, side-scrolly, spook-’em-up adventure. Head and shoulders above nearly any other similar game I’ve played. It’s right up there with The Cat Lady on my list of best horror-themed adventure games. Only a few hours long, but told an interesting (if somewhat clichéd and poorly translated) story and did an excellent job of maintaining its creepiness all the way to the end.
The Talos Principle (PS4) – Wrote lots of words. Actually beat it twice to claim all the trophies, and then played the DLC expansion.
Erica (PS4) – I wonder if I should actually put this here, as it’s less a game than a choose-your-own-adventure movie. Played through twice to see a couple different endings, but two was enough. There isn’t nearly enough variance in the story to bother with more replays. At least not right away. Notably, there’s an companion app that you can download to use as a controller, which is good since the game is otherwise controlled entirely by the DualShock 4’s touch pad, and the DualShock 4’s touch pad sucks ass.
KIDS (PC) – Art (non-)game. Weirdly satisfying, except when it becomes tedious. You can only appreciate milking people through a digestive tract so many times. But it’s only like 20 minutes long, so.
LOVE (PC) – Retro platformer built for speedruns. Tense and occasionally frustrating, but not quite masocore. Interesting in that it allows you to plop down a respawn point just about anywhere. Very fun, but super short and of limited value if you’re not planning to learn and master it.
A Hat in Time (Switch) – Achieved 100% by clearing the DLC chapters. Seal the Deal was fun and super cute, but tragically short. I was less enthused by Nyakuza Metro’s massive, confusing, maze of a world. Didn’t play past the first two Death Wish challenges because ehhhhh I only have so much time, and I don’t really want harder remixes of all the things I’ve already done.
