Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure

First of all, if you’re actually reading this, I salute you, as some people might have skipped it just because of the subject in question. And that makes me unhappy, because Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is a great movie. I can remember always enjoying Pee-wee’s Playhouse, and damned if I’m going to shun something just because of indecent exposure. But that aside, let’s get to the review.

Like I said, I really loved Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, and just like with the Goonies, I watch it every time it’s on TV. It’s just one of those great adventure-type movies that never really gets old. All those funny one-liners and 80’s slang is infinitely entertaining. Plus, it stars Pee-wee Herman, possibly one of the greatest victims of extreme quirkiness ever.

I guess a film review wouldn’t be very complete without a bit of a plot synopsis, so here we go. As our movie starts, we get Pee-wee doing his morning routine; eating a breakfast of Mr. T cereal, watering the lawn, and going for a ride on his bike. We’re also introduced to the yang to Pee-wee’s yin, (at least, I think that’s the term. In any case, Pee-wee’s sworn enemy,) Francis. This fat freak is more or less the main villain of the flick, so feel free to hate him as soon as you see him. After failing to be convinced to sell his bike to Francis, Pee-Wee goes on his way.

He gets to the mall, stops by a magic shop to pick up some supplies and then heads to the bike store to get his custom bike horn. Dotty, Pee-wee’s friend and a worker at the bike shop, stops Pee-wee for a chat, and tries to convince him to take her on a date. But like me, Pee-wee just can’t confine himself to one woman, so he (rather ungraciously) declines and leaves, only to find that his bike has been stolen! Now this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but Pee-wee’s bike is clearly the alpha male of bikes.

In a state of mixed panic and anger, Pee-wee rushes to accuse Francis, and opens our first scene of horror. Now Francis just happens to be having a bath when Pee-wee arrives, and that is a very, very bad thing for our eyes. While he is wearing a bathing suit, his form is much less than appealing, and we have to watch it blubber around for far too long. Though the scene does have some comedy value, it’s almost disturbing in its own little way.

Since Francis didn’t have the bike, Pee-wee realizes that he’s gonna have to seek some help, so he calls a meeting of all his friends. When they prove to be no help, he winds up at a fortune teller’s place, and she tells him that his bike is in the basement of the Alamo. This sparks the beginning of Pee-wee’s big adventure, and my, is it a big adventure.

The movie is full of everything, and doesn’t cut any corners. There is plenty of hilarity, and a lot of action to boot. Pee-wee meets a wide variety of people, including an escaped convict (he cut the tag off a mattress!), a ghostly truck driver, a wannabe-French waitress, her insanely jealous boyfriend, a hobo, and plenty of other outrageous characters. The fun never ends in this movie, but there is one scene that is really farking scary.

When Pee-wee is walking down the highway in the dark, he gets picked up by a suspicious trucker. She calls herself Large Marge, and tells Pee-wee the story of a horrible trucking accident. The mood at this point has gone far from child’s comedy and gotten downright creepy. And then to top it all off, Large Marge scares the living crap out of Pee-wee and me, by turning into this horrible claymation monster. Sure, it doesn’t sound scary in words, but the first time I saw it I had nightmares for all too long, and every time I’ve seen it afterwards I left the room until I was sure the scene was over.

Okay, maybe I’m making a much bigger deal of this than I should have, and maybe it’s not all that scary, but it was damn horrendous when my age was still a single digit. Come to think of it, this movie is a whole year older than me! I never realized that until now. Odd… But anyway, RoG at I-Mockery thinks is pretty damn freaky too, and people respect him more than me, so… so yeah!

But back to the rest of the movie, as far as I can remember, it’s a far cry from the show, mostly because Pee-wee spends almost no time in his house. It’s quite sad, I can’t remember even a guest appearance by Chairy. And what is the secret word? We may never know… While Pee-wee’s dog Speck was in the movie, he only got a little bit of on-screen time. But to be completely honest, all I can really remember of Pee-wee’s Playhouse is the little parody thing they did on Family Guy.

At least we still saw a lot of Pee-wee. That’s why anyone would watch the movie. Honestly, who could not want to be like him? He’s quite literally a grown man living the life of a child! Think about it for a moment, and if you can think of a better way to live life than acting like a kid, having no job (but still mysteriously getting income), eating Mr T cereal, and having the bike that everyone else wants, you’ve got one Hell of a problem.

I should also mention that there are quite a few special guest appearances. My personal favourite was Twisted Sister, but also on the list are big stars like James Brolin and Godzilla. Actually… I think there was only one other, but if you wanna know for sure, just look it up or watch the movie and read the Special Guest Stars list in the credits.

Now as for memorable scenes, the best one is easily the bar dance, where Pee-wee is caught by a biker gang and is given one last request. He uses it to pop a coin into the jukebox, grab a pair or dance shoes, and then rocks out to “Tequila”. His dance wins the collective affection of the gang, and they send him out on his way on a motorcycle, only to have him crash into a signboard, resulting in absolute hilarity.

Another scene you’ll more than likely take notice of, is when Pee-wee is chaining up his bike outside the mall. The producers obviously missed a little something, as Pee-wee pulls a very long chain out of a compartment that obviously couldn’t hold it, and when they zoom in on the box, you can see the chain being fed into the bottom of it. Sure, it’s unintentional funny, but it’s one of the parts I remember best.

So in the end, Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is one Helluva movie. Unless you still harbour some kind of grudge against Paul Rubens, I can’t see a way that anyone could not enjoy this movie. It quite literally has a little something for everybody, and it’s a lot of fun. I’d buy it, but I just don’t do that kind of thing. You on the other hand, I advise you to at least try to catch it next time it’s on TV, cause it’s definitely worth your time. Especially if you can’t sleep and want something to do. A+

The Good Stuff:
  • It’s Pee-Wee
  • TEQUILA!
  • Classic 80’s humour
  • I pity the fool that don’t eat Mr. T Cereal!
    		•
    The Bad Stuff:
  • It’s Pee-Wee
  • Large Marge will GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES
  • I don’t eat Mr. T cereal…
    		•

    Back in time

    This is the first news post of February. There probably won’t be very many after it. There is gonna be a lot of gaming going on when I get Crystal Chronicles and my Zelda Collector’s Disc, so like I said at the end of last month, don’t expect much for a while after the 10th. 3 days left… I haven’t been looking forward to a game this much since the Wind Waker. I guess I was pretty hyped for Viewtiful Joe, but not so much that I was counting the days. After that period of gaming though… I won’t be getting many games unless I just trash the idea of buying a digital camera, which I don’t want to do. In any case, I might have a mini-review up tomorrow or Monday, and then it’s all up to fate. And that’s it for toady. Have a good night, and the new Astro Boy show isn’t all that good.

    ~Ryan out.

    Lazy

    Ah, January sure was a productive month for me. I finished the first half of my last year of high school, and I did a lot of work on the site. I got more than a week’s worth of vacation, and I preordered Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles and got a free GCN-GBA link cable. I’ve got a few articles lined up, and sadly to say, they’re all video game reviews. I guess I could do the Squirrel Game… but nayforth and such and such. I’ll have at least one done this week, and then I’ll probably be taking a while off when I pick up FF:CC. I know I had another good idea, but I just can’t remember what it was. Maybe a few mini-articles will be on the way as well, it’s hard to say for sure. All I know is that I’m gonna enjoy the fact that Februaury is gonna be a very good month for slacking off. So I’ll see you around, but probably not very much.

    ~Ryan out.

    (Happy b-day to a special girl. You don’t know me yet, but you’ll love me when you do!)

    Guest Article: Yoshi’s Island

    So, I’ve decided to make a review for Ryan. Horrific sentences and hard to understand ideas are in your near future. So, I’ve decided to review Yoshi’s Island; A wonderful game, one of the best games I have ever played. On to the article!

    It’s great when your subject does the work for you, but there’s a little more back story than this. So, as they say in the streets, “This is how it goes down.” Baby Mario and Luigi are on there way to what I assume is their parents house in a stork’s bill. Magikoopa attempts to steal both babies, and fails 50% when Mario falls to what we believe is his doom. Luckily, he falls to Yoshi’s island and onto either, The Yoshi, or a yoshi. To be honest, I’m not sure, it says “It’s a lovely day and Yoshi is taking a walk.” but Yoshi the common noun is capitalized too… Oh screw it, it’s of less importance than the game. We’ll just blame the translators.

    Here we can see the anger of failure. Notice the gaping peanut shaped mouth, and the fists of frustration. If you take a look at those 4 smaller Magikoopa-esqe toadies, these are the only things in the game that can make you fail, other than to fall into one of the holes in the game. To help your confusion, the game play works like this; You have baby Mario on your back for the vast majority of the game, if you get hit, Mario gets enclosed in a bubble, floats away, and you have X seconds to get him back before the red quartet snatch him away. It’s a real pain in the butt, but I really like the idea. It’s a “truly original idea” that even John Nash would be proud of. The goal of the game I guess is to get Mario back to his parents. I really don’t know. All we know is Yoshi is following a map that fell along with the future hero. Heck he could be going to Motocross Madness.

    Alright, now that the back-story has been dealt with, onto the game! Look at this brilliant piece of work, it’s the best opening screen I’ve ever seen. It’s so colourful! This is really where the cartridge’s FX chip really came into play, all the background stuff rotates! It’s really a beautiful thing to see, I could spend hours just watching this. Wow, now that I think back on it, I was 9 when this thing came out, I think a little math will prove my accuracy. 1995-1986=MeBeingRight. There’s a brilliant song playing in the background too, I got this from The Mushroom Kingdom website.

    Yoshi’s Island Title song

    Hey, I never said I was good at the game. Besides, he got behind a wall that takes far more than 10-30 seconds to get to the other side of. One of the things that bothers me the most in this game is Mario’s wailing. I mean, he’s in a bubble, he should be happy that he’s floating around. But enough bad. I think the best part of this game is that it’s chalked full of everything. There’s so many different things in it. Since I’m being a bit vague, I suppose specifics are in order. Let’s take the bosses for example. One boss is a big fat bouncing something or other, and you have to hit him till his pants fall off. it sounds perverse, but he’s just a ball with eyes and feet, and there’s nothing there that the pants could be covering. Another boss is a blob that also bounces, but he tries to shove you into lava. I haven’t really played this since grade 4, so I remember very little, but I believe there’s also frog that eats you, and you have to hit that hanging thing at the back of his throat. There’s so many different things in this game, there are new things every level.

    So, I’m losing interest in writing this, and am going to do the ratings thing

    Graphics: 10/10

    The graphics are mind-boggling. Some of you are saying “but it’s 2D blah blah blah” the thing is, it’s a lot harder to do things in 2D than it is in 3D, with 3D, the graphics engine does all the work, and practically everything is the same. In Yoshi’s Island, there was so much work put into making the different levels/bosses that I can’t even fathom how they did it.

    Sound: 10/10

    I love the music to this game. If you really want to know what I’m talking about, here’s a site with a few Midis people have made.

    The Mushroom
    Kingdom — Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island Midi Page

    Game play: 8/10

    Good, but I find myself in a lot of trouble when Yoshi turns into a mole car… the controls go to hell. Also, shooting could have been much better designed.

    Well, that’s it. This was my first article. It took me an hour to make it… What can I say, loosing interest is what I do best. I strongly recommend getting this game by any means necessary. It’s great.

    ~Edwin

    Walk the dinosaur

    Today marks a grand step for my site, as I received my first guest article. It’s not quite as long as my own but it’s pretty funny (or at least I thought so) and it’s a guest article, so I’m not gonna complain. I also put it on a different web servery thing, so it might take a while to download the pics and in the worst case, the site might be down some times when Angelfire isn’t. But I doubt that’ll happen, so it’s there and saving me a lot of room. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for everyone else to think guest articles are a good idea and let them roll in, and I won’t have to make any content of my own ever again!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Sorry, it happens. Even if that diabolical plan does come to fuition, I won’t be stopping my flow of articles any time soon, so you don’t have to worry. I know you weren’t going to, but just humour me. Come on. Please?

    ~Ryan out

    Wicked game

    One day late. Not bad, since my last one was early. I put up the new article today, and I think it’s pretty good, and funnier than my video game reviews, mostly because I don’t try to make them funny. I presonally think it’s about on par with the Choco Donuts article, but I’ll let you decide for yourself if you like it or not. The blurriness of the pics is not my fault, as will be explained in the actual article. So that’s about it. If you haven’t read it already, go on and read the article. And get your eyes ready, the background is white and very bright compared to the dark tones of most of the rest of my site.

    ~Ryan out.

    The Hamburger Game

    I know that as of late, a lot of my content has been revolving around video games. I intend to stop that trend with this here article. I haven’t really written about anything non-video game for a while (excluding holiday specials), and it’s making my site seem too video game-oriented. Of course, that’s what I love, so it’s okay, but that’s not why I made the site. I wanted to write about all sorts of different stuff. That includes toys, games, food, movies, whatever. If I can think of something I love and think might interest others, I’ll write about it.

    I’ve been playing board games my whole life, and you think by now I’d be pretty good. But the fact of the matter is, it’s almost always up to the dice to decide who’s gonna win. A lot of them are games of chance, and very few require a lot of skill or thinking. That’s why for the most part, they’re aimed at children. But hey, they’re fun, and that’s why I’ve been spending a lot of time playing them lately.

    During the last semester of school, me and my friends have been playing board games a lot during spare. At first it was Monopoly. We played Monopoly for months. Every day we played at least one game. It was starting to get annoying, so we mixed it up by playing Star Wars Monopoly instead. Then when we got annoyed with that, we moved onto Star Wars Battleship. That one didn’t last too long, but I did have a much better record, 5-1, than I did at Monopoly, 5-(no clue). We knew we had to find something new and fast. That’s when I remembered the Hamburger Game.

    One of the most cherished of my childhood memories, the Hamburger Game is still one of my personal favorite board games to play. Most of my friends think it’s exceedingly stupid, but I love it. I mean, how could you not like a game that is about food? All food-type games I can think of are great; the Hamburger Game, Pizza Party, Grape Escape, and to a lesser extent, Candy Land. Actually, the Grape Escape game is a lot better than all of them if you just intend to smash the Play-Doh grapes over and over, but I still think quite highly of the Hamburger Game.

    Oh, and one more little thing before I really get into it, my friend took all the pics, not me. I know he hasn’t learned the word ‘focus’, but I don’t actually have the game, so there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it. Just keep in mind that I didn’t take them, so you shouldn’t get angry at me when you can’t tell whether a picture is of a tomato or a jackalope. Not my fault. Got it? Just wanna keep myself on the innocent side here. Ok, back to the thingy.

    Above, you can see the game board. It’s full of all sorts of crazy crap, and may even seem a bit confusing if you have no idea how the game is played. But the rules of the game are actually quite simple. There are two to four players competing to collect all the pieces for their burger. It’s just like a big game of memory, with a die and pawns. And even the pawns are pretty basic, as they’re the same pawns that come in 60% of all the board games out there.

    In the center here, we have all the little white spaces where all the burger pieces are placed. The only trick is that they’re face-down!! I guess it doesn’t seem so easy now, does it? You may also notice that the lettuce seems to be hitting on the tomato, but I’ll get to that a bit later. Basically, the way the game is played, is that the player rolls, moves, and then tries to find the burger ingredient that they landed on. If they find it, they get it. If not, tough cookies.

    When a player scores a piece, they get to put it in this handy little area to keep it safe from the others. It’s even got a little position for each ingredient. Isn’t that thoughtful? Now you may wonder, “But what if I only want a veggie burger? Or a burger without onions?” Well once again, tough cookies. You’re supposed to be some fast-food guy making burgers for real people who eat real burgers, not wuss-burgers. At least that’s what I like to think. I think you’re thinking that I’ve gotten way too into this game. And if you are thinking that, you’re right.

    This is what a complete burger… box… thing… looks like. Oh yes, and there’s one important little detail I forgot to mention. No matter how many times you land on it and find it, you have to pick up the bun last. Once again, you question the game’s logic, since the bun character is the whole bun, but the instructions say that it’s only the top of the bun. Besides, when making a burger, I imagine you’d gather all the ingredients before you start putting it together, so it makes sense in a roundabout way. Maybe that last paragraph didn’t make sense to you, but it worked in my head, so I’m not changing it.

    And this one is what the game might look like when being played, with all the pieces in place, and the crappy little pawns all over. Notice how they lack so much detail. I would have preferred comical standy characters, but when I think about it, there are no characters aside from the ingredients in this game. So I guess you get away with it this time, Chieftain Games. But next time… next time will be different. I’ll make the New Hamburger Game, and it will be the greatest game ever!! I’ll show you all!! SHOW YOU ALL! Ahem. You’ll have to excuse me. I tend to go insane from time to time.

    Ah crap! There is one more thing I forgot to tell youse. This space here is called “The Kitchen”. Sounds pretty hardcore, eh? Well, it is. It’s the only reason that I ever lose this damn game. You see, when you land on your own Kitchen, you can call any piece you want and go for it, but if you land on opponent’s Kitchen you’re screwed. In that scenario, they get to steal any piece that they want from you. And trust me, it’s a huge problem. Like I said, I always lose because of these damned squares!

    And now that I’ve given you an idea how the game goes down, we’ll take a look at each of the characters. Sure, by all means they’re just run-of-the-mill foodstuffs with faces, but my friends and I were able to give them all personalities. Yes, we have absolutely nothing better to do in the three hours we have between classes. Two spares in a row before lunch may sound like a good idea, but trust me, unless you want to waste a lot of gas, being stuck in school for that long is not very fun at all.

    Our first and most confusing character is Kelly Ketchup. The problem with Kelly is his/her/it’s gender obscurity. The name is no help, as ‘Kelly’ is regularly applied to both males and females. The character itself holds no evidence of sexuality either, as the face is as totally gender neutral as the rest of the body. Finally, Kelly isn’t even on the box, so there’s no way at all to tell which gender this particular bottle of ketchup is. Kelly is kind of like the Pat of the Hamburger Town.

    Next up is Billy Bun. There isn’t a whole lot to say about him. He’s the most annoying bun you’ll ever meet, because he keeps popping up when you don’t want to see him. I guess if anything, he’s a monster, because as depicted on both the box and the center square, he intends to eat all the other ingredients. He’s just making it seem like they’re going on a nice little ride, but when they’re all on there you just know he’s gonna munch ‘em all up like so many condiments before them. Gee… Now I really don’t like Billy.

    These two are Peter and Paula Pickle. There are two theories for these two. The first one, my theory, is that Peter is a cannibal and ate Paula, and on the tiles, she’s just a cardboard standy. My reasoning is that only Peter is on the box. So where is Paula? Where is she? The second, less appreciated theory is that they’re just normal pickles, but they enjoy the company of each other just a little bit too much, if you know what I mean. If you don’t get it, here’s a hint: it starts with an “In” and ends with a “Cest”. Another point of interest, my friend Stacey seems to harbour some sort of strange attraction to these pickles. I suggested that a cucumber might be more satisfying and was promptly kicked.

    This guy is Oscar Onion. As you can tell, he’s quite the wussy. Always crying, even on the box. Just look at the guy. He’s pathetic, like some sort of pity whore. I mean, maybe he realizes his fate and is very unhappy about it, but if I knew I was going to be killed and eaten, I wouldn’t stand around crying, I’d get the Hell out of there. Other than that, Oscar is a very uninteresting character. Just like real onions.

    If Kelly Ketchup is the Pat, then Marsha Mustard is the floozy of Hamburger Town. Just looking at her, you can see how much of a tart she is. And the proof is all over the box. On the cover, she’s clearly fondling the cheese, and then on the side she’s moved on to another of the condiments. Sure, maybe the guys who designed it just didn’t care about continuity, and they probably never thought that it would be analyzed by a bunch of immature teenagers, but that’s very unlikely.

    Charlie Cheese is another one of those characters that you really can’t make up anything funny about. He’s full of holes, so maybe he’s been shot a lot? All I know is that I have no respect for him, because he’s a sucker for that hussy Marsha’s seductive ways. Damn fool probably pays for sex. I guess there really aren’t any other characters fit for that job, as most of the others are male, dead, or lesbians. But maybe I should stop with all the sex jokes and stuff, this has gotten a little too dirty even for me. Oh well, it’s not like any kids read these things.

    Ah, good old “Beefy” Burger. This guy’s got a lot of problems. First off, he’s always on fire. Why? Nobody’s sure, but it is quite odd. Secondly, his name is in quotation marks, suggesting that he’s taken on a false name. Now why would he do that? The general consensus is that he is the one who shot Charlie full of holes. Why he changed his name we don’t know, as there are no cops in Hamburger Town. Well, ther’s that one guy, but he’s too busy chasing the Hamburglar. And there aren’t any other ‘Burgers’ there either. Did he really think changing his name would fool anyone? It didn’t fool me.

    Linda Lettuce. She seems quite happy and normal on the tiles, but take a closer look at the box and center of the board. It’s plain to see that she is glaring rather seductively at the tomato. Now this really doesn’t seem so bad, but wait ‘till you hear this; the tomato is a chick! That means only one thing. Linda is a lesbian. No bones about it, but it’s not like there’s anything wrong with that. She’s always after the tomato, too. At least she’s not a tramp like Marsha.

    Our last character is Theresa Tomato. Not only does she have to deal with constantly being hit on by Linda, but she’s also got quite a physical load to bear. She’s a plumper, and it’s impossible to deny. The fattest resident of Hamburger Town. That’s quite the title to have, and it probably wouldn’t be so bad if she was a guy, but she’s a chick and the truth is that our society is just not that kind to overweight women. She has Linda, at least, but otherwise must deal with the disapproving glares of all the other foodstuffs. Did you know tomatoes are berries? Poor Theresa. She’s probably praying for death.

    And that’s the whole crew. They’re some pretty farked-up foods, eh? What’s that? I’m the one who made it all up so I must be the one with problems? Nah, that can’t be. Remember, this was a team effort. I wrote this article all by myself, but a lot of the ideas came from my friends. Heck, I even drew a comic about it, and it’ll be posted up somewhere eventually.

    All in all, after playing this game a few times to bring back the fond memories, I can certainly say that it’s even more fun that I remember. It might have something to do with the fact that I was playing with people other than myself, but I think it also had to do with the fact that it’s so simple and fun after playing stuff like Monopoly for so long. I’d certainly recommend playing this game to anyone. If only it wasn’t so extinct. Sadly, my friends don’t love it quite as much as I do, and after about a week, we moved onto Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. I wish I had a lot of my old games…

    Well, that’s that. I guess it’s time for the little conclusion/news thing I do at the end of every article. If you didn’t pick up on it during the article, I really love the Hamburger Game, and so many other games I played as a child. They were a lot better back then, and more original too. I mean, there’s gotta be like 5 billion different versions of Monopoly out there, and at least 27 versions of Clue. And these are all that they’re making these days. I’d like to see some old board game remakes. Particularly the Hamburger Game, the Squirrel Game, and Rockin’ Robins. Ooh! And Shark Attack, but I think one of my friends might still have that one.

    So now that this is done, I guess I’ll move onto something new. I don’t know what that something is, but I’m sure I’ll find it pretty soon. I plan to finish the 6-Foot 3-Pak thing in the near future, and it’ll be in two installments, too, as the last two games are pretty huge in themselves. Valentine’s Day is just around the bend, but that certainly isn’t going to bring in any article material. I’m going on a trip soon, and with my soon-to-be-newly-acquired digital camera, you can expect pics of that to be up sometime. And with that, I’m done. I’ve passed 2500 words so there’s no more reason for me to hang around here.

    Close yet far

    It’s a bit earlier than I predicted, but I managed to finish up the first of two articles today. I’m sick, so I had all day to work on it and now it’s up. I used a new format for it, and I like the look, so I think from now on, all the articles will look similar. It’s a lot better than that plain crap I used to do, but it’s still pretty basic. Anyway, it’s up now, and the next one will probably be done sometime between Friday and Sunday. Of course, my predictions are almost always wrong, so just keep checking back every day. For now, I need some rest. I feel like absolute Hell.

    ~Ryan out.

    Mario Kart: Double Dash!!

    So Nintendo makes a lot of great games, right? Of course they do, I don’t even have to wait for your confirmation. It’s clear from the first sentence that this is gonna be another totally biased review isn’t it? Good, just making sure. I guess that this paragraph has gone to waste, like so many before it, thanks to my unremitting rambling. Ha. Unremitting. And some people say that the thesaurus is a waste. Now I look pretty smart, or at least I think so.

    And now to get back on topic. (Off topic in the first intro paragraph? New record?) I’ve been playing a lot of games lately, and few of them have been suiting my needs wholly. I mean sure, Return of the King is pretty good, and Secret Collect has its moments, but I’ve been looking for something a little more… fantastic. And that’s where my good friends at Nintendo come in.

    I’ve rented two games (that I can remember) in the last two months, and they’ve both been very good to me. The first was Mario Party 5, which was, nay is absolutely astounding. Its single-player modes are much better than those of previous installations, and the multiplayer is possibly even better than Super Smash Bros. Melee. And seeing as how much I love SSBM, that’s a damn good game. But the second is the one I chose to review, and that is Mario Kart: Double Dash!! So now that we’ve got the topic, let’s get to it!

    Here we have the newest, and unquestionably the best of them all. With all of the new things it brings to the table, and the old and improved stuff too, this Mario Kart is the racing game that everyone should be playing. I’m not sure exactly where to start, since I’ve got so much to work with. So I guess I’ll just go ahead and show you the first pic.

    Ah, this is the title screen. But not the title screen you’ll be seeing, as it changes to this one once the game has been completed. But that’s of no importance, seeing as there is much more to the game than the title screen. And now we shall delve into that gamey goodness, starting with the basics of gameplay.

    First thing is the Grand Prix mode. This is the meat of the game, and can be played with one or multiple players. I’m not sure if you can unlock stuff with more than two players, as I haven’t tried it. So the first decision you’ll have to make is which engine size you wish to play with. For your reference, 50cc is easy, 100cc is medium, and 150cc is hard.

    Next you pick your characters. “Characters? With an S?” you ask. Yes, each kart has two characters in it this time around, making for some great multiplayer gameplay. As you can see in the pic above, there are enough players to choose from to rival a fighting game’s roster. Only, when you start, four of them won’t be there. Once you’ve picked your guys, you get to choose a kart to ride in. Kart choices very depending on which characters you chose. My personal favorite team is Luigi and Baby Luigi with the Green Fire kart (which needs to be unlocked). Oh, and one last thing, each “set” of characters has their own special weapon, so choose wisely.

    Next you get to choose which cup you’re going for. Obviously, the Mushroom Cup is the easiest and so on. The last two cups, the Special Cup and the All Cup Tournament, have to be unlocked, just so you know. Personally, my favorite is the All Cup, just because it gives you the chance to race everywhere, and it even randomizes the order in which you race the courses. Otherwise, I think the Mushroom cup, just for the sake of simplicity.

    Now there are a lot of little things you should know before starting, just so that you have an edge. Firstly, at the beginning of a race you can get a speed burst by hitting the A button at the right time. Veterans of any Mario Kart game should know this little trick. Secondly, when drifting you can acquire a small speed boost by tilting the control stick back and forth. Once you see blue sparks, you can let go and zoom away. I was trying to demonstrate this in the pic above, but Bowser jumped in the way just as I clicked the “take photo” button. Damn attention hog.

    The rest of the game is pretty simple, and I don’t think I should have to tell you what to be doing. Anybody who’s played a previous Mario Kart should have no trouble getting used to this one, as it’s the same style of game, and they’re all pretty similar. Of course, there are a couple of new weapons, but they’re all special weapons specific to each set of characters. In the shot above, you can see that Luigi’s got a Fireball, which is his (and Mario’s) special. Some others are just old weapons that are now character-specific. So if you’re looking for a triple-shell, you have to be the Koopa Troopa.

    Now I imagine anyone should be able to win all the gold trophies in the 50cc class, as it is exceedingly easy. Heck, you should be able to do it with perfect 40’s on every cup. If you can’t then I’ll hunt you down and make you play until you can!! Consider that a threat. If you can’t do perfects on the other engine sizes, it’s okay, they’re harder and it’s more acceptable. Even I don’t have all perfects on 150cc. Yet.

    Okay, now we’re gonna start the course summary with, oddly enough, the first course; Luigi Circuit. This is just a plain old rubber band-shaped track. There isn’t a whole lot that makes it special besides the Chain Chomp and the many boosters along the turns. On 100cc and above, the wall in the center of the track is gone, and there are “shortcuts” on the sides, but in this game, shortcuts are rarely any shorter than the long way, and they’re usually more dangerous too. In this case, they do nothing. It’s still an easy course to win though.

    Next up is Peach Beach. This is a very nice beach that looks like it came straight out of Super Mario Sunshine. (Not unlike most of the rest of the game.) It’s got a Pianta statue/fountain, a huge warp pipe, and those damn annoying duck things. They’re way deadlier in this game than they were in SMS, but they’re still pretty easy to dodge. The shortcut in this level requires a Mushroom to use properly, as it forces you to drive through deep water. Now that I think of it, it’s more of a long cut. Just follow the normal track and while you’re at it, ignore the warp pipe unless you’re in 1st.

    This is one of my favorite courses, Baby Park. Though saying that is a bit contradictory, as I hate Nascar racing for being a big loop, just like this course. The difference is that in Mario Kart you’ve got weapons to make the race more fun, and on this course, weapons will make or break you. Since it’s so small and open, there will be a ton of shells and bananas all over the track after the first couple laps. It’s still pretty easy to win if you know how to drift properly, even on 150cc.

    The last race of the Mushroom Cup is the Dry Dry Desert. It’s very much like the Dry Dry Desert in Super Mario 64, as it’s filled with Pokeys and has a rogue tornado wandering around. There are a lot of s curves in this one, and as I’ve said before, drifting is the most important skill to learn. At one point there’s a huge sand pit which is hard to get out of if you get in too far. If you do manage to start falling in, just let yourself get eaten, as struggling will just make your respawn take longer. Most of the Pokeys are off to the sides and won’t pose a problem until the end of the course.

    The Mushroom Bridge is a tricky course, as there are plenty of cars, and 3 almost useless shortcuts. The first is right at the start; you just turn down some stairs and go through a pipe. It’ll only help you if you’re already in 1st. The second goes up a dirt path which slows you down, again being no help at all. The last one is the hardest to do, but actually works quite well if you pull it off. Once you’re coming out of the second tunnel, you can drive up on the bridge supports, which are covered in boosters. The only problem is that it’s very, very thin and you’ll fall off 90% of the time. My recommendation: just race normally, and shoot the Bob-omb cars just after you pass them to give your opponents an explosive surprise.

    The next track is the Mario Circuit. The pic doesn’t show much of the course (like most of them), and it doesn’t show any of the important parts. There is a Chain Chomp like on the Luigi Circuit, plus Goombas and Piranha Plants scattered on the last half of the track. Like most tracks, the only shortcut here involves using a Mushroom to drive off-road. It’s actually a tough course on 150cc, as this is where the AI players start to get good.

    You could see the Daisy Cruiser from Peach beach, and now you get to race on it. While it is just another uninteresting track, the Daisy Cruiser provides a couple opportunities to get ahead of the competition. Firstly, you can go right around the pool instead of taking the long left path. In the boat, tables shift back and forth, and if you’re playing against humans, they might get hit by one. AI players will always swerve around, possibly knocking you into one. Lastly, there’s a hole in the floor at one point, and you can fall in to get shot out to the deck, but it doesn’t really help at all, because the fall slows you down a lot.

    Waluigi Stadium is the best course in the Flower Cup because it’s got a lot of jumps, hazards, and item boxes. It’s a difficult race to get 1st in on 150cc, but it’s still a fun place to race in. There are fire hoops over a couple of the jumps, and if you pass though, you’ll be rewarded with a double-item box. The giant Piranha Plants that re about ¾ of the way through don’t make you spin out, they just make you stop dead in your tracks, so you’re better off getting burnt that hitting one of them.

    The Star Cup’s first track is also the prettiest looking track in the game. Sherbet Land is a snow-covered paradise, and it’s also a lot more deadly than it looks. The Shy Guys will make you spin out if you hit them, and at the end the freezies will freeze and spin you. This is the first course that made me annoyed with the eyes on everything. Trees? Okay. Pyramids? It’s a bit of a stretch, but okay. It’s when the walls have eyes and noses that you start to think that maybe somebody at Nintendo has a drug problem.

    The Mushroom City course is one of my favorites. I’m not sure why, but it is. Like the bridge, there is a lot of other traffic here, most notably the giant Wiggler bus. A neat trick is that if you hit a Mushroom Car, a Mushroom will pop out onto the track! Near the end, there is a small dirt path which you can take if you don’t feel like navigating the traffic anymore. And never, ever drive down the road from where the traffic spawns; it just warps you back to the starting line as if you’d fallen in water.

    I hate Yoshi Circuit. It’s got a lot of hard S turns and the AI is really good at this one. If you get a Mushroom, save it until right near the start where you can boost over a pool of water. It’ll save you a lot of time and you’ll fly past any close opponents. If there is any saving grace about this course, it’s that it’s shaped like a Yoshi. And if you’re interested, there’s a Yoshi helicopter (from Yoshi’s Island) flying around close to the end.

    The final course of the normal cups, DK Mountain, is one of the easiest to win. On any difficulty. After you get shot out of the barrel cannon, it’s just a bunch of cliff to fall down, so don’t bother staying on the track. Then there are some hairpin turns which can be easily taken by pro drifters, and finally a huge pit that even the AIs fall into regularly. The only tricky part is not falling off the bridge when it’s cluttered with objects. Other than that, very, very easy course.

    Once you manage to finish a cup, and get 1st place, you’ll go to the awards ceremony. There you’ll see a bunch of Piantas and Nokis cheering for you while you’re driven around in a huge gold kart by Toadsworth. I really like the ceremony, because it’s got a great Super Mario Sunshine remix/medley kinda thing going on, and it’s just a great piece of music.

    Then you’re presented with a trophy, which get more and more extravagant for each cup. When you get a gold trophy for the first time, you’ll unlock something in the game, such as characters, new play modes, karts and more. I have all the gold trophies, so I’ve unlocked everything and as far as I care, I’ve finished the game. And just in case you don’t trust me, I even took a pic of the records screen.

    See? All golds on the All Cup tournaments. That means I’m the best. Sure, my times aren’t super-good, and I don’t have perfect scores, but I still have all the trophies. I suppose you’re waiting for the actual review, so I’ll get to that. Now.

    First is music. I enjoy most of the music in this game. Some is a little repetitive, but other than that, it works. Most of the songs are remixes from other games, so if you’re a Mario Kart fan, you’ll probably recognize a few of them. The Rainbow Road remix is especially catchy, and suits the last track of the game very well. As for voices, they’re good, but few. Not to say the characters don’t talk a lot, they just don’t say a lot of different things. And of course, the sound effects are just fine.

    The graphics are beautiful, on the whole. Much like several other games, the levels themselves look marvelous, and you can even see a lot of things off in the backgrounds. Once again, Rainbow Road goes above and beyond, providing a track that is great just to look at, with a huge city of lights beneath. The characters are a bit, I dunno, “shiny” on the character select screen, and they’re a bit blocky in-game, especially in the hands area. But since you only see close-ups at the end of a race, it’s not so bad.

    Controls are very solid and easy to learn, just like every other Nintendo game. Steering is never a problem, and drifting is very easy to do and will become one of the key parts of winning the game. It’s easy to learn to play as two characters at once, and if you’ve got a friend playing too, you only have to worry about doing your job.

    The gameplay is clearly where this game shines. It’s a fun game to play, and gets really great when you’ve got 4 or more players going at it. The Grand Prix mode should keep players busy for some tie, because there’s a lot to win, and it’s not exactly a cakewalk. The only gripe I have (and have had since the first Mario Kart) is that you can’t play the battle games against AI. The Bob-omb Blast game is extremely fun, and I rarely get to play because my family is too chicken to play against me. One other smaller problem is that if you don’t have people to play with, it gets kinda boring after you’ve gotten everything.

    Overall, the game is great. Not the best Nintendo racer on the GCN, but it is the only one where you can get eaten by a sarlaac-esque Piranha Plant. If you can look past the little things and the lack of single-player replay value, you’ve got a great game on your hands. The LAN option sounds good, but it requires a lot of stuff that I don’t have, like two broadband adapters and two copies of the game. But despite that, I’m gonna give this game a final mark of A-. I don’t get to play multiplayer a lot, and Kirby’s Air Ride and F-Zero GX don’t need multiplayer to stay interesting. So that’s what I think, and I’m sticking to it. Like always, buy it if you want, but I suggest renting it first.

    And that’s it. That’s my review of Mario Kart: Double Dash!!. Expect to see more reviews up in the future, because I’m starting a new policy of reviewing every game I rent that I really like. Any others will get mini-reviews. I can’t really think of anything else besides what I have ready now, so I’m asking again if anyone would like to write a guest article. I’ll take anything, as long as it’s tasteful. It doesn’t matter how many words or if it’s horrendously boring. Bring content to me!

    Seeing as I said in a news post that I’ve got two articles on the way, you’ve probably deduced that this is one of them. Indeed it is, and the next one should be out soon. It might be a bit shorter than usual, and it’s a nice change from video games too. After that, I think I’ll write something about my new TMNT toys. Really, I just want to show them off and how they’re so much better than the original ones, so I don’t know exactly how I’m gonna do it. So that’s it for today. I’m out.

    ~Ryan

    Everybody to the limit

    I’m not supposed to be making posts until later this month, but I just felt like I needed to let you guys have a little something to anticipate. In recent site news, I’ve gone over a few things and corrected a couple spelling mistakes, and there are two articles ready to be written. Pics and everything are done already, and all I have to do is write them. Expect to see the premiere of my comic soon, and I really really really want the “Strong Bad Sings” CD. So on the 25th, I’ll most likely be adding at least one new article and mayhaps some art or other stuff from my big English project. My teacher thought I was pretty clever so I’ll make sure to add eveything I see fit. And that’s all for today, folks. It’s off to play more Super Mario Sunshine with me!

    ~Ryan out.