“Why” you ask, “did you choose to list twelve games?”
The answer is simple. Because sixteen (for 2016) seemed too many, and ten is too cliché.
“But doing a Top X Things of Year list is in itself too cliché!”
Shut up!
(You should know my Top Video Games rules by now: Any game that I beat in 2016 is fair game, regardless of what year it was actually released in. No remakes or remasters allowed.)
I completed Ape Escape 2 last weekend. Well, “completed.” I’m going for the platinum trophy, you see, and the game asks you to beat it twice for that. Which is a little ridiculous.
Let’s back up a bit, though. Ape Escape 2 asks you to tromp through its levels and used a variety of gadgets to find and capture all the monkeys that are running rampant. It’s kinda like Super Mario 64 if Super Mario 64’s stages were oversized loops and the power stars would run away and shoot homing missiles at you. So, much more aggravating than Super Mario 64.
Anyway, when you visit a stage, you only have to catch X of Y monkeys to clear it and move on. At which point you’re booted back out to the level select menu. So your (my) gut instinct is to jump back in and snatch up the remaining monkeys. Now, sometimes, certain monkeys are behind barriers that you can only pass once you get a particular gadget. So you collect all your toys and then go back to collect all the monkeys. Super.
What’s curious, though, is that the stages say “cleared” while the boss stages say “perfectly cleared.” Hmmm.
Then you get to the end of the game and defeat the final boss. Hooray! But if you load up your save file again, you’ll be told that OOPS guess he’s back on the loose and also there are now more monkeys in every stage! Hope you didn’t go back to collect them all already! If you did, hope you enjoy exploring each stage a third time!
Yes, I know, Super Mario 64 makes you play each course six times. But those stages are typically smaller, wide-open playgrounds, rather than big, long tubes. Each star usually has you going to different parts of the level, and most levels change depending on which star you select. Super Mario 64 encourages and rewards exploration, and it’s fun. Mario can get nearly everywhere with his basic moveset, and anywhere he can’t get to, there’s always a nearby cap to help. Whereas in Ape Escape, you’re just following your radar down the tube, being slowed down by having to constantly stop to switch out and use gadgets. Going through a level multiple times feels more like work than play.
But that’s still not the end. Once you capture all 299 (!!!) monkeys, you finally get to fight the true final boss. Defeat him, and you’ll earn the ability to start a new game as Spike (or “Kakeru”, because apparently the PS4 release is the European version), the protagonist from the first game, who comes equipped with all the gadgets right from the start. You have to collect all 300 monkeys again as Spike/Kakeru to earn Ape Escape 2’s final trophy. That doesn’t sound too bad!
Ape Escape 2’s last troll, however, is that every stage still has the “collect X of Y monkeys” thing on your second time around, which is suuuuuuuuuuuuper dumb. Even though you start the game with all the tools you need to catch all the monkeys, they still force you to slog through every stage twice. So lame. If that “feature” had been removed for new game+, I wouldn’t have even bothered to write this dumb rant.
So if it bothers me so much, why am I going through all the trouble? Because I’m a masochist and a trophy whore, obviously.
Oh, Ape Escape 2, I wish you were more fun. And also I wish you didn’t have trophies, so I could just not care about all of your bullcrap. This is the last updated PS2 game that I buy!
When I moved back in with mom and dad, it came with a slight change that I didn’t really account for. See, while I used to always get my groceries from Safeway, they live much closer to a Sobey’s. Which, since they’re two heads of the same beast, you wouldn’t think is a big deal. However, Sobey’s bananas are notably inferior to those that Safeway stocks, and just today I learned that the pizza buns at Sobey’s are also pretty terrible.
The obvious solution is to just make the five-minute drive back to Safeway, but I’m far too lazy to do such a thing. I could also just stop buying my own groceries and subsist off the food my parents buy, but where’s the fun in that? Also I don’t want to be a complete mooch. Like, 90% mooch is about where I need to be.
Thanks to all the money I’m saving thanks to that mooching, I bought Resident Evil 7! Hooray!
Honestly… Not totally into it yet! Don’t get me wrong, it’s good, but it’s been a very slow burn so far. In the three-ish hours that I’ve played, there have been exactly two enemies, and both of them were bosses. Or, I don’t know. This game is so different than usual that maybe they weren’t bosses. Maybe that’s just how normal enemies are now. Anyway, exploring the backwoods farmhouse has been equal parts fun, disgusting, and tense. There doesn’t seem to be any indication for sure if you’re being stalked or not, so you’re pretty much sailing around on intuition and hopes that you aren’t unexpectedly ambushed. Although you will constantly be unexpectedly ambushed, because that’s apparently RE7’s thing.
Other notes so far…
I got a trophy for beginning the game. How stupid.
There are bobblehead figures scattered about for you to destroy. I can’t help but see Vault Boy when I look at them, even though they don’t really look all that similar.
The game begins with your character on a rescue mission. So far this is the only thing that RE7 has in common with RE4.
Those two bosses were hard. Died multiple times to each. Because they can catch up to you and hit you while you’re running away, and it’s very hard to bait their attacks and dodge successfully.
I have no idea where the story is going. But this family of evil hillbillies can’t support the entire game. Right?
The last thing I did before saving and quitting was collect an emblem that unlocked a big, ornate (and completely out-of-place) door. So this is definitely still Resident Evil on some level.
Capcom still can’t animate faces worth a damn.
I’ve been watching the first season of Ash vs Evil Dead lately (which is SO GOOD), so when the question of “what movie am I going to watch?” came up last weekend, I immediately went to Evil Dead. To be more specific, it came up while I was browsing Netflix and then I immediately put it on.
Let it also be known that I’m talking about the 2013 Evil Dead here. Not the original. Though I may binge the original trilogy next weekend, because man am I ever in an Evil Dead kind of mood.
The thing that boggles my mind the most is that somehow, this is supposed to be both a reboot of and a sequel to the original films. Which was perfectly fine until Ash vs Evil Dead came along and sort of invalidated it as a canonical entry in the series. I guess Evil Dead 2013 could have a different Necronomicon and cabin, but that’s… you know what? That’s fine. I’m fine with that.
Anyway, ED2013 is a fine movie in its own right, but is very different from its older siblings. I don’t think there’s a single joke in this movie, and I don’t find any of it unintentionally funny either. This version of the tale is played completely straight, and pulls absolutely no punches.
This story focuses on Mia, a recovering drug addict, who is out at a cabin in the middle of nowhere with her friends in an effort to quit cold turkey. Of course, eventually they find the Necronomicon, someone reads a passage that unleashes an ancient evil, and they all start getting killed and/or possessed. Only instead of being goofy, these Deadites are dead serious.
ED2013 is brutal and is so excessively gory that even I have a tough time stomaching it. That scene with Natalie and the carving knife makes my stomach churn in a way that movie gore hasn’t been able to do in many years. And then there’s the grand finale where literally everything is covered in blood. More blood than Evil Dead 2. If you can believe it. It also contains one of the most amazing chainsaw scenes ever committed to film, and it’s absolutely worth watching the entire movie for those two minutes.
Overall? It’s not really what I wanted in an Evil Dead sequel (that’s what Ash vs Evil Dead is for), and I don’t usually enjoy movies that exist simply to torture their characters for two hours. But the supernatural bent saves it and I do like how it reimagines the original story. I mean, I’ve seen it like five times now, so yeah, I obviously like the flick. Do I recommend it? That’s tougher. But I feel like there’s enough information in this short post for you to make that call on your own.
Guys, I was playing Drakengard 3 and a character yelled out
“You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!”
There’s a South Park reference in this game. My head a splode.
I ask because it’s looking like 2017 is going to be another Year of Nintendo 64.
In the last two weeks, I have purchased three N64 games on Wii U Virtual Console. Strange, right? I know.
For the record, the only one I bought at full price is F-Zero X. Pokémon Snap and Star Fox 64 I already owned on Wii, so it was just the little “add save states and controller configuration” upgrade fee for those two.
I’ve also been eyeing up Excitebike 64 for some time now, and it’s a bummer that Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey will never appear on VC because for some reason I am really jonesing for some wacky arcade hockey action.
Hm. This might… this might actually happen…
Hey all. Against all odds, I am sticking to my guns, and still playing Drakengard 3. While the opening hours were a little bland and the trademark Drakengard insanity had only reached “silly” on the bonkersometer, I forged ahead, undeterred by mediocrity.
And it’s begun to pay off! But we’ll get to that in just a moment. First: gameplay. It hasn’t changed much. In addition to the swords that you begin with, I have unlocked spear and bracer weapon classes. Spears are kind of garbage, as they don’t cut a nice, wide swath like swords do, and it’s difficult to connect with enemies if you aren’t locked on. This is in stark contrast to NieR, where the Phoenix Spear was my weapon of choice for nearly the entire game. Bracers, on the other hand, are super fun, as they let you combo a whole bunch of hits really fast. That, and punching guys just feels right, you know?
I also learned that blocking is a thing. And like most games of this style, you can parry attacks if you block just before they land. Unfortunately, enemies are kind of hard to read, which makes parries even more difficult to perform than in, oh, let’s say Dark Souls. Also, Zero has crazy long recovery lag after attacks (even worse with spears), making it nearly impossible to time a block properly in the middle of an attack combo. As a result, I basically haven’t been blocking at all, relying mostly on the dash as my defence strategy. So essentially, I’ve been playing Drakengard 3 the same way I play Monster Hunter. Only Zero’s dash doesn’t have any invincibility frames, so it’s not terribly effective on large enemies with wider attack ranges.
I think the best way to describe Drakengard 3’s combat is ” like Hyrule Warriors but slower.” But it’s still a heck of a lot faster than the combat in the original Drakengard.
Luckily, the game isn’t all hack-n-slash. It also has a handful of stages in which you ride around on Mikhail and blast fools with fireballs. The missions that still technically take place on the ground (All-Range Mode, if you will) are a little janky, as you have to manage Mikhail’s altitude by flapping his wings now and then. It’s a little more involved than other air combat games where you have the privilege of consistent propulsion. Missions in the sky proper are a lit more fun, as they’re basically just less interesting Star Fox levels. It’s on-rails, and you just blast everything out of the sky. No obstacles, no wingmen, no power-ups. It may actually be more akin to Galaga than Star Fox, to be honest.
What surprised me the most about Drakengard 3 so far is that it has a very overt sense of humour. The first game and NieR may have had their moments, but were typically played very straight. D3 takes every opportunity to make a joke, whether it be the soldiers freaking out about being slaughtered, or Zero and her companions trash talking back and forth. Though, in the latter case, whenever a companion character takes a jab at Zero, her response is usually “You wanna die?”
Zero and Mikhail also have a very weird relationship, wherein she is like a very abusive mother towards the immature dragon. There is a touch of love buried deep beneath the insults that Zero is constantly slinging at Mikhail. And while Mikhail does question Zero’s motives, he always follows her orders and tries to do his best in an effort to earn her respect. It’s very entertaining just to listen to the banter between the two. Criticize the game all you like for its awkward gameplay and last-gen graphics, but it’s got some excellent writing.
There are also the hilarious hijinks that ensure during cutscenes, like when Zero kills Five and the screen switches over to a censor card stating “this content has been deemed inappropriate for pretty much everyone” while Z stabs her sister repeatedly. Or the time where Zero and Dito are crushed by an avalanche and a “The End” screen pops up, only for Zero to burst out of the snow shouting “I’ll decide when it’s the end!” while Dito turns to the camera and shrugs. As a fan of comedy, Drakengard 3’s sense of humour is very welcome, especially since it stands in such stark contrast to the ultra-violent and otherwise horrific content of the rest of the game.
Speaking of which! It’s time to see what makes Drakengard 3 completely bonkers!
So, after the prologue, Zero was severly injured, having lost an arm. The arm was replaced with a metal prosthetic, which is apparently controlled by a parasite that attaches to the wearer’s body. Gross. But what’s more, Zero also mysteriously started growing a flower out of her right eye. A flower with what sort of looks like the butt end of a syringe sticking out of the middle. We get no information on this weird flower until halfway through chapter 2, where Zero’s other arm is chomped off by a wayward Cerberus head. Zero is about to collapse and die when the flower suddenly blows up to super-size. Then, a bloody had shoots out if it, and pulls out… a fully-formed clone of Zero, complete with the arm that just got bitten off, covered in nothing but buckets and buckets of blood. Calling this scene grotesque may be underselling it a little.
And that’s more or less been it as far as actual shockers go. There’s the rather explicit implications that Zero is banging her companions, which isn’t weird in itself. But when she recruits Decadus, she orders him to “Clean yourself up. Front and back. We meet tonight.” to which his eyes widen in fear and his voice beings trembling as he complies. At one point, Dito asks if Mikhail and Zero have slept together, completely serious. Mikhail, of course, is incredibly naïve and has no idea what Dito is really asking. I can’t decide whether the exchange is hilarious or disturbing. Probably both.
So that’s pretty much the extent of my impressions as far as the end of Chapter Two. Stay tuned for more, maybe!
You know, I was so distracted by other things going on that I totally forgot to mention the most exciting news from last weekend: I pre-ordered my Switch!
I meant that in that it’s exciting for me. I know you aren’t excited. Or maybe you are, because online pre-orders for the thing sold out in 20 minutes. I tried to get one, but the EB Games website was so choked up that I couldn’t get my order in. Given that there are less than two months until launch, I didn’t think they would offer any more pre-orders. So I spent the rest of the day despondent and wondering what would be the most painless way to end my life.
But then! I got a text from my brother; he had gone to the mall after work, and they were still taking pre-orders there! So I anxiously hopped on the bus after work and took what seemed like the slowest ride in the history of everything. When I finally arrived, I ran from the bus stop to the mall, too anxious to worry that it was -40 outside.
I stepped into EB with my fingers crossed and wearily asked the man if they were still taking pre-orders. He replied “I’m pretty sure we still have a few” and dug out the allocation sheet from under the counter. “Do you want the grey one or colour?” My heart skipped a beat. I would have been happy to have any Switch, but the Switch with the colourful joy-cons was the top prize. And I got the very last one! Hooray!
I literally only ever have good luck when it comes to getting video game machines, but that’s good enough for me. I’ve got my priorities straight, all right.
The story isn’t quite over yet, because EB has over-sold and cancelled pre-orders in the past, so my Switch isn’t 100% guaranteed until it’s in my hands. But I feel like this isn’t going to be an NES Classic Mini situation, and that Nintendo will pump out enough units to satisfy demand. It’s probably going to be okay. Worst case scenario, EB cancels my pre-order, and I get to have a fun camping adventure in front of Toys R Us on Switch Day Eve.
I watched The Garbage Pail Kids Movie on the weekend, and I have to say that literally anything else would have been a better way to spend a Sunday morning. Like, I would have been better off going to church.
But seriously, folks, this is a bad movie. It’s not the kind of movie that anyone would even like ironically, and I don’t think you could really get much out of it by watching and riffing on it with friends. This is one of those movies that How Did This Get Made? wouldn’t touch.
So why did I watch it in the first place? Because it was mentioned on an episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast a while ago and I was curious. That’s all. I never collected Garbage Pail Kids cards or whatever as a child, so there’s not even any nostalgia value for me there.
All you really need to know is don’t watch it.
However, one thing that really stood out to me was the ending. Over the course of the movie, our main character gets in good with an older girl that he’s got a crush on, and then she double-crosses him. When she returns at the end to apologize, she asks if they can still be friends, but the kid shoots her down and says “I don’t think you’re pretty any more.” Wow! Not only does he not mend fences, he burns her but good. Good on you, kid. Way to stand up for yourself. Way to not go for the cliché ending.
So yeah, I thought that was alright. But the rest? Nah. Not even worth writing up a whole thing about.
Gosh, work sure has been workey lately. Doin’ all the work and business. Keeping the numbers up. Or down, maybe, depending on which way they ought to be.
Good lord, I wish there were something halfway interesting to say about my work. Alas!
There are other boring real-life developments to talk about, though! Hooray!
Like, for one, I am now officially the proud owner of an automocar. I don’t know how I keep managing to bumble into life improvements, but that’s just the way it goes for me. Law of averages, I suppose. When you don’t take action to make things happen, something’s bound to happen on its own eventually, right?
But yes, when my late grandfather passed, his car was given to my uncle, so that he could ferry my grandmother about. Once in a while, I would borrow it when necessary. Over the course of time, it began to stay in my possession longer and longer. My grandma would often talk about how she just wanted me to have it, but unfortunately I just didn’t have the means to support car ownership. Now that I’m living with mom and dad again, my cup overfloweth and I was finally able to complete the transaction and register the car under my name. The extra nice part is that my grandma was paying the insurance up until now. I’d like to pay her back, but there is no reality in which she would accept my money. I mean, she gave me a whole freaking car for free.
Have I mentioned lately how great my grandparents are? Even if I have, it can’t be said enough. And I mean all four of ’em. I really should make more time to spend with the three I have left.
Next up: Home renovations! Or, bedroom renovations, I guess. I think that at this point, I have put more work into improving my temporary bedroom than I ever did when I was a homeowner. The hook I hung on the door is almost too simple to mention, but I also installed a wall mount for my massive television. I had put it off for a month, but then realized that I could really use the extra surface space, so now my TV hovers in the air. Huzzah!
I also put up a small shelf over my bed to hold all my toys. I did a very thorough job of making sure it was level, but then completely forgot to center it properly between the wall and window. So now it’s mis-aligned with the photo frame that hangs directly above it, and it’s driving me bananas. I don’t feel like banging new holes into the wall and filling up the old ones though, so I’m just going to learn to live with it. It will forever be a reminder of my inability to do even the simplest tasks properly.
Also, yes, I know that frame is still empty. If I had a picture worth putting in there, I would.
