Articles – Page 5

The Monsters of Dragon Warrior

For someone who spent most of his late teens rallying viciously against JRPGs, I really, really adore Dragon Quest. I came back around to enjoying the genre at large many years ago, but Dragon Quest always had a place in my heart, even though it was built almost entirely on the things I claimed to dislike about these games. I think it all comes back to Dragon Warrior Monsters.

Long ago, before Enix was able to claim the Dragon Quest’s rightful title overseas, there was a game called Pokémon. It was a game about collecting and battling monsters, and it was a massive hit. A worldwide phenomenon that continues to be a force to reckon with to this day. Of course, back then, imitators immediately sprang out of woodwork from every angle. Many were new franchises, and plenty just shoehorned monster collection/battles into existing franchises. Not a single one of them ever grabbed hold of me like Dragon Warrior Monsters did.

Unlike Pokémon and the vast majority of its knockoffs, DWM did not come in two separate versions that were largely the same, but with a handful of unique monsters. You could experience everything that the game had to offer on a single cartridge, all by your lonesome. This was already a point in its favour. Back in the day, I had no shortage of peers to trade creatures with, so it wasn’t a real problem. I just think it’s more ethical to let players access 100% of the product that they paid for without additional costs or catches (though these days, that line has long since been crossed and forgotten).

What really sets DWM apart from almost all of its kind is that it incorporates random dungeons into its gameplay. This is nothing new for the Dragon Quest series, as Torneko: The Last Hope was a true Mystery Dungeon game and came a good five years prior to DWM. So what does this really mean? It means that the floorplan for nearly every dungeon floor is randomly generated each time you enter. Items are scattered about, and finding the warp hole to the next floor is always your goal. Sometimes there are shops to find, or travelling folks who may challenge you to a monster battle. Typically the only things set in stone are the types of monsters that you will find and the boss floor.

The plot of DWM wasn’t terribly different from Pokémon. Your goal in both games is to collect monsters, train them up, and win battle competitions to be the strongest trainer in the world. Though that was about it for Pokémon. Winning for the sake of winning. In DWM, it’s a little more fleshed-out, as winning the Starry Night Tournament will grant you a wish, likely to be used to rescue your recently kidnapped sister. Also I think there’s some jazz about saving the kingdom, but I don’t remember much about it and I’m not far enough in my current playthrough for that to be a thing yet.

While I can’t say with any certainty (and I’m not going to be doing any research), Enix was one giant leap ahead of Pokémon in one regard: monster breeding. Breeding was not a feature in the original Pokémon games, and while it did make its debut in the sequels, they came two years after DWM. Breeding in DWM is also a central mechanic, and very much necessary for creating strong monsters and to find certain rare species. In Pokémon, you can easily get through the game without even knowing that breeding is a thing that exists; it’s really more there for the hardcore players. The downside to DWM breeding is that it’s really more like monster fusion, as the parents will both disappear after the deed is done. In both games though, monster breeding is a tricky business with many nuances and invisible values that you need a guide to decipher. That or you can just have your monsters bang and hope for the best.

DWM absolutely beats Pokémon when it comes to hatching your monster eggs though. In Pokémon, there’s a counter that ticks down for every in-game step you take. These are usually in the tens of thousands, so breeding Pokémon is tedious as all heck. In DWM though, you just pay a small fee in gold and presto: a freshly hatched monster! (Let’s just forget that you have to spend a lot of time levelling up your monsters to get decent offspring.)

As a kid, I never beat Dragon Warrior Monsters. Why? Probably because it’s a tough game, and crafting yourself a strong team of monsters is either going to require a guide or a whole lotta grinding. Like any other Dragon Quest game, bosses in DWM are big, strong, and filled to the brim with HPs. You’re probably not going to be getting past a boss on your first trip through a dungeon, unless you luck into recruiting a few tough new monsters along the way. Most likely you’re going to have to battle your way to the end, take a lumping from the boss, and then trudge back through the dungeon with a little insight and a couple more levels to your name. Combine that with the fact that newborn monsters always start at level 1, and you’re looking at a bit of a grind. That’s kind of what Dragon Quest is known for though, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone familiar with the franchise.

If you play your cards right, though, you’ll catch a few decent monsters, fuse them into even better monsters, and then be able to tear through those dungeons without a hitch. Bosses will fall at your feet, and the world will be your oyster. But then there’s the arena. Dungeons are really just a distraction from the story and a place to grow your team; the arena is the focus of the lion’s share of the plot, and also where most of the game’s true challenge lies.

Each arena battle is three fights in a row against rival monster masters. Which, you know, doesn’t seem as bad as trekking through floor after floor of dungeons just to face a powerful boss. The catch here is that you’re not allowed to heal your team between rounds, and you can’t issue direct commands to your monsters. You can still tell them to go all out or to fight more cautiously, but their actions will be dictated entirely by their training and nature. I’ve only made it through the first arena match (which is almost tutorial-easy) in my current game, but I can remember being stymied by these fights over and over back in the day. At the very least, when you’ve assembled a team that can last all three rounds, it gives off a great deal of satisfaction.

Of course, as much as I like the gameplay on offer here, one of the greatest appeals of DWM is its heritage. This game draws from all of the Dragon Quests that came before it, bringing a rich pool of your favourite legacy monsters, even going so far as to let you breed the final bosses from the first six games. It also reuses many familiar themes from previous games, though to tell the truth, I’m not terribly familiar with DQ tunes outside of those from the first game. Writing is rarely a highlight of Game Boy games, but DWM has a fairly charming script, and all the better since it came before the time where Dragon Quest characters started being written with accents.

A lot of what I really love about the game is the sense of nostalgia that washes over me as I play it. I can remember booting it up for the first time in McDonald’s. I remember staying at a friend’s cottage one summer, and when we weren’t busy exploring or swimming, we’d be grinding like heck through DWM. It makes me think back on the Game Boy Color and how it blew my tiny mind. It reminds me of being dragged around with my parents as they did their shopping and whatnot. Basically, it strongly reminds me of a simpler, easier part of my life. And with all the stresses of adult life and the junk I’m dealing with these days, I often need those happy memories to put me at ease at the end of the day.

You can look at Dragon Warrior Monsters as a cash-in on the Pokémon craze of the late nineties, and you wouldn’t be wrong to do so. But it’s a very different game that works hard and succeeds at making itself stand out in a sea of also-rans. It introduced me to a handful of new and exciting video game concepts that seem expected and sometimes overused these days. I probably won’t ever be able to really get into the fancy new 3D sequels, but I can say for sure that I will always keep a copy of the original Dragon Warrior Monsters on hand, even if I only go back to it once every decade.

Forgotten Film Round-up #2 – Netflix edition

My original plan was to watch a bunch of DVDs that reside in my collection, but I’d hadn’t gotten around to actually watching. This is still something I’m working on, but it’s worth noting that I also have a fairly bloated Netflix queue.

Through really, who doesn’t? People without jobs. That’s who.

There’s a lot of great original content on Netflix these days, and the queue just seems to grow at much faster rate than I can actually watch the shows and movies that I’m adding. But I have been chipping away at the films that have been languishing on there for a long time.

This is the story of those films.

#1 – The Hole

Let’s get this out there right away: this is a children’s movie. It is classified as a horror film, but all the main characters are children, there is a very small amount of violence, and there is no nudity in the least (probably for the best, in this case). I did not realize this until about a half-hour into the film.

However! That might be for the best, because I actually really liked The Hole. Despite the lack of things I usually look for in a horror film (gore and breasts), there was a lot to like about it.

The Hole is the story of two brothers and a neighbour girl who find a mysterious hole (gasp) in their basement. It contains nothing but blackness, and objects dropped in never make a sound. But once they’ve looked into the hole, weird things start happening around them.

The main conceit of the movie is that whatever force resides in the hole is using the kids’ fears against them. This makes it a little more relatable than your standard horror film. People face things like regret, irrational fears, and abusive family members every day. It’s not often that someone has to run for their life as a corpse in a hockey mask stalks them.

Continue reading Forgotten Film Round-up #2 – Netflix edition

Forgotten Film Round-up #1

I’ve decided that my current “thing” is going to be browsing through my movie collection and watching any that I haven’t watched before. You may scoff at the idea that I might buy a product and then never use it, but I’m both very materialistic and busy. Well, “busy.” The idea here is that I’m going to write a thing after every so many movies and then fire off a couple paragraphs about each.

Anyway, I’m sure this won’t last for long. We all know that I have a habit of abandoning projects really quickly. But at least I’ll get one or two articles out of it.

This batch comes from a Midnight Horror collection, the likes of which you will find in the $5 garbage DVD bin at Wal-Mart. It contains a whopping eight films, and as you may have already guessed, they’re pretty much trash as far as cinema goes. Let’s take a closer look at a handful of them, shall we?

#1 – Decadent Evil

Firstly, let’s assume that I didn’t choose this one to start with because it’s pretty close to Resident Evil. (It’s also known as Decadent Evil Dead in the UK, which is just.. ugh.) Also, assume that I wasn’t growling “Decadent Eee-vil” and then giggling to myself constantly between the time when I chose to watch the movie and when I actually sat down to watch it.

Decadent Evil is 67 minutes long. That includes the intro and ending credits. I’d wager that the actual film portion is roughly 50 minutes. This is good for me, as my attention span dwindles by the day.

This film is about vampires. Specifically, a trio of lady vampires that live in a gaudy LA mansion and work as strippers. They also have a little pet lizard-man, Marvin, which they refer to as a homunculus and keep in a birdcage. The head vampire is nearing the milestone of having sucked the blood of 10,000 humans, which will apparently make her an invincible Vampire Queen. Sure, why not? At least she doesn’t get magical sparkle powers.

But then a vampire hunter shows up and, with the “help” of the youngest vampire and her boyfriend, locates and defeats the boss vampire. He dies during the process, but ends up turning her into a homunculus. The final scene is of Marvin porking her in the cage while she makes a noise that sounds an awful lot like “Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow Ow.”

While not egregiously terrible, Decadent Evil is not a good movie. Even the nudity is shoddy.

#2 – Meridian

This seemed to be the most boob-filled flick of the bunch, based on the description on the back of the case, so it got second billing. In that regard, I was not disappointed. There was ample boobage on display indeed.

Please note that this film has the subtitle “Kiss of the Beast” on occasion. This was not one of those occasions.

The movie’s protagonist is Catherine, who moves into a castle in Italy because reasons. Her friend comes to visit and invites a bunch of carnies over and then the carnies drug and rape the both of ’em. Whoops. Also the one that has his way with Catherine is a were-sasquatch. Double whoops!

I don’t know how it turns out because I fell asleep shortly after that point. I do know that there was a ghost of a dead girl, the were-sasquatch was cursed and also knew about a secret passage in the castle that led to Hell apparently, and… Yeah, that’s all I got from the few moments that I drifted back into consciousness.

Meridian, at least what I saw of it, is a much better movie than Decadent Evil. I guess it must have had some people who knew anything about making movies on staff. Sherilyn Fenn is the main character, and she’s a… known actress. It’s still not one I would recommend, because the plot was super dumb, but I could see someone defending it as a decent movie.

Confession: I did go back and watch the rest… It turns out that were-sasquatch was also a ghost. With an evil twin. And the trick to breaking were-sasquatch’s sasquatch-ghost curse was to have him murder said evil twin. If it weren’t so slow and romantic, this could have really been an awesomely stupid movie. As it is, it’s just stupid.

#3 – Backwoods Bloodbath – Curse of the Black Hodag

Where the heck do I even start with this one? Let’s start with the fact that this film is amateur-hour in every way. The story follows the same plot beats as every other slasher, the actors are mediocre at best, and the camerawork is all over the place. I suppose the gore is okay.

One might assume that the director had a glut of red corn syrup, and said to his friends “Welp, I guess we’d better make a slasher movie.”

As the story so often goes, a group of teens goes into the woods for a weekend getaway. Despite a token warning from a local hillbilly, they press on and are subsequently picked off one-by-one by a forest monster. The twist is that in addition to the monster, one of the teens is also a psychopathic killer. So I guess that’s unique. It’s normally only one of the two.

The monster is a big let down. Called a Hodag, the “beast” is really just a dude dressed all in black with predator dreadlocks. It’s given a little backstory about how it has evolved over the years into the shape of its prey (which is people), but that’s still just a lame handwaving for not being able to come up with some decent creature effects. It’s especially disappointing when you find out what a Hodag is actually supposed to look like.

At least the Hodag’s story is kind of neat. The locals are used to a couple people going missing every year, as the Hodag will kill a few folks and store their bodies away for the winter (like the nagging grasshopper). But it just so happens that now, it’s killing at an alarming frequency because it’s got a baby on the way. It’s eating for two now! How sweet! Better than just killing because it’s a mindless monster, at any rate.

Just so that we can tie this one into the common thread of “how’s the nudity?”, I feel obligated to mention that during one of the sex scenes, there is a still, close-up shot of a single breast for about five seconds. The editing in this film is baffling. Also the Hodag keeps one of the girls tied up and alive in his lair, but by the time she is found, it has chopped off her breasts. That’s… not a thing I’ve ever seen before. Backwoods Bloodbath goes to some really strange places.

I can’t in good faith recommend this to anyone. It’s not even amusingly terrible. It’s just terrible. The one saving grace for me is that I was playing Chibi-Robo! Zip-Lash throughout, so it didn’t really feel like I’d wasted those 90 minutes.

#4 – Zombie Dearest

The last one on today’s lineup, as absolutely the best. By a long shot. A really, really long shot.

I have no idea why this was billed as a horror film, or why anybody suggests that it is scary in the least. Because it is not. The last three minutes of the film might be construed as somewhat frightening, but even then, that’s being pretty generous.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’ve become so desensitized to zombies that I cannot fathom how anyone could see them as something frightening.

Anyway, this movie is totally a comedy. Like, it’s not hilarious or anything, but it made me laugh out loud a few times. And, of course, I was laughing with this movie. If I chuckled while watching the other three, I definitely would have been laughing at them.

Zombie Dearest tells the story of a couple, Gus and Deborah, who are going through some severe marital difficulties. They end up moving out to an old family home in the country, and Gus digs up a dead body while trying to replace his septic tank. By some manner of Zombie Wang Magic (yes, it’s a thing), the body comes to life and starts following Gus’s orders.

The zombie, Quinto, puts even more strain on Gus and Deborah’s relationship at first, but eventually they patch things up and grow closer than ever when they decide that they need to re-kill Quinto.

Things do take a turn for the worse near the end, but unlike every other zombie comedy ever, it doesn’t dip into bleak, depressing territory in the third act and forget that it’s supposed to be funny. No, it hangs onto its somewhat humorous tone until it absolutely must push the plot to its climax. But it quickly invokes Zombie Wang Magic a second time to undo the damage and give the characters their (presumably) happy ending.

I am fully willing to put myself out there and suggest that Zombie Dearest is actually a good movie. It’s not a life-altering film, but I was entertained and impressed but it. It may be due to the fact that I was expecting another 90 minutes of garbage, but there’s also a chance that it really is decent. Even if you’re fully burned-out on zombies, I’d heartily recommend watching it. (Fair warning: it’s got only a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.)

Making Marios is Super

This year marks the 30th anniversary of Super Mario Bros. I never really think of most Mario games when I think of my favourite video games (with the obvious exception of Super Mario 64), but they have always excelled, and I continue to buy and play them all with gusto.

If nothing else, Super Mario Maker has reminded me of how much fun it is to just sit down and play some Mario. But there is so much more to it! Mario Maker is crammed to the gills with not only the tools necessary to create, distribute, and play Mario courses, but also heaping spoonfuls of pure love.

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Year of N64 – December: Mega Man 64(ish)

Okay, so… I didn’t actually play an N64 game in December. Fact is, I ran out of games that I wanted to play, and I couldn’t find any other decent ones for cheap. So I did the next best thing: I played a Playstation game that is also a Nintendo 64 game.

Aside from having changed the title from Mega Man Legends to Mega Man 64, the game is almost the exact same. Slightly better graphics and slightly inferior audio are the traits that define the N64 port from its source material. If you don’t believe me, here’s a list of differences between the two. I think that justifies me.

For the record, I also “cheated” last month, as I played the Virtual Console version of Majora’s Mask instead of the N64 cartridge that was sitting right there.

It should be noted right away that I love Mega Man Legends. Yeah, I know I probably shouldn’t put the conclusion so close to the beginning, but this is a retrospective, not a review. You’re not here to look for a score before rushing out to buy the game. You’re reading this because you’re interested in my thoughts on Mega Man Legends… I mean Mega Man 64. Either way.

Legends was the first 3D Mega Man game. It also came out at a time where the Mega Man X series began to spiral out of control and get all serious and grimdark. As a result, you might think that it would also be a “mature” title. In fact, it’s about as colourful and cartoony as games get. At least on the surface…

At the outset of the game, your airship has crashed on an island that barely registers as a speck on the map of the somehow-flooded Earth. It’s filled with lively people and cute animals, and you have a family of goofy pirates as your rivals. The voice acting is silly (in a good way), and the main characters all have animated faces pained onto their polygonal heads. It’s very light-hearted and fun.

Oh and also the pirates command an army of adorable little LEGO men. It really doesn’t get any cuter than this.

Then by the end of the game, you’ve delved into several caverns filled with bloodthirsty robots, several districts of the city have been demolished, and it turns out that the treasure you’ve been seeking the whole time is actually a robot who intends to murder everyone on the island with a giant ion cannon (or something like that). That took a dark turn.

Those are just the broad strokes, though. And it’s not really the story that stands out. You really have to play the game (and be thorough about it) to be able to appreciate its wonderful characterization and setting. All of the main characters are lovable and overflowing with personality. To think that a Playstation game could have such three-dimensional characters is almost astounding. Even though you never stray from Kattleox Island, you’ll never long for more, as the game world is abounding with its own personality and has plenty of areas to explore and little secret and details to discover.

You will, however, feel like maybe there could be more game there. And not because it’s too short or otherwise lacks content, but because it’s simply a joy to play. The controls take some getting used to, but once you get a feel for moving around, moving around is pretty fun in and of itself. Mega Man Legends is one of those games where it’s fun just to jump. It just feels so right. And it sounds right too. The mechanical whoosh sound effect is perfect, and you can really feel the impact of a landing. I don’t know how exactly, but that’s just the way it is. Jumping is very satisfying.

Of course, Mega Man has other moves, too. There’s a sideways roll that’s sort of hard to pull off, but it’s pretty cool. Later on, you get a pair of “jet skates” that allow you to… I don’t even know the word to describe what they do. You press the button, and Mega Man leans forward and just sort of glides along the ground. It’s weirder than just allowing him to dash, but it’s unique and pretty fun. And your feet shoot out sparks when you turn! Neat!

Then there’s the massive arsenal of weapons. Check it out; Mega Man’s got land mines, grenades, a machine gun, a vacuum arm (?), a drill arm, a laser beam, and much more. Each one can be upgraded in several areas (firepower, range, etc), but enhancements will cost you a huge chunk of change. The downside is that you can only equip one special weapon at a time, and you’ve got to have Roll switch them out for you when you want a different one. So you’ve either got to know what’s coming and prepare accordingly, or just pick one you like and hope for the best.

Special weapons are definitely secondary, though. Mega Man’s trusty Mega Buster is always equipped, and will get you through even the toughest scrapes. You get to customize it with different parts too, which will change how it works. Want a powerful shot? Equip a couple of Power raisers. Maybe you’d rather just overwhelm you enemies with continuous fire? Use parts that increase your rate of fire and energy (which dictates how many shots you can fire in a row). Perhaps you’re more interested in a challenge? Try to beat the game without using any Buster parts. It’s very flexible!

Despite all the options, combat is a little stiff. Mega Man can lock onto enemies, but he’s completely immobile while doing so. It’s a little more Resident Evil than Mega Man. Fortunately, locking on isn’t terribly important, and it’s just as easy to defeat most enemies without using the feature. Occasionally it’s somewhat necessary, and in those instances you really need to learn to find your best opportunities to attack.

Mega Man Legends, in my opinion at least, has aged pretty well. The joints are a little creaky, sure, but it holds up a heck of a lot better than the vast majority of 3D Playstation games. Against the heavy hitters of the N64? Maybe not quite as well, but there’s nothing else like it on the N64, so it’d still be a welcome addition to anybody’s library. At the very least, you need to experience it through a Let’s Play or something. Preferably one made by someone who loves the game as much as I do.

Year of N64 – November – Majora’s Mask

It’s a little-known fact that The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask is my third-favourite Zelda game. Shocking, right? It’s a little divisive, but that’s only because of fools who can’t deal with the time limit. People who dive in headfirst and take the time to truly experience the game generally come out with a great appreciation for it and the living, breathing world that resides inside of it.

Majora’s Mask had it rough from the start; it was released on the same day as the Playstation 2. Whoops. Mega Man Legends 2 suffered from a very similar overshadowing, being released only two days prior. What a “fun” coincidence that two of the best sequels of that generation met with the same terrible fate.

Majora’s Mask wasn’t just a sequel though. It shared so much DNA with The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time that you might think it was the same game. However, Majora took things in a wild and disturbing new direction. Ocarina was a revolution for the series as far as visuals and gameplay went, bringing Zelda into 3D and all that. But it still stuck fairly close to the Zelda formula: go through eight(ish) dungeons and then fight Ganon. Get a Triforce, save the princess.

The thing that many whiny pimple-faced teenagers complained about the loudest is that Majora only has four proper dungeons. Only half of what was expected of it. Regular villain Ganon/dorf was nowhere to be seen, I don’t think he gets as much as a name drop. Even the titular princess Zelda only shows up in a brief flashback. The treasure in each dungeon is a different type of arrow. Things were amiss, and at the time, fans were not happy about it.

But there’s so much more to this game than popping in all the familiar elements, giving them a new coat of paint, and calling it a day. In fact, Majora’s Mask is the exact opposite. It re-uses Ocarina’s assets without shame, and keeps the vast majority of Ocarina’s tool set. The basic gameplay mechanics are the exact same. It’s all very familiar, but the way that all these thing are put together is like nothing before and nothing afterward.

As the story goes, out hero Link stumbles into the bizarre world of Termina, a place that seems familiar at first glace, but if distressingly alien upon closer inspection. Speaking of distress, there’s a gigantic, grinning moon in the sky, and it’s falling. In only three days, that moon will collide with the Earth, eradicating Termina and all of its inhabitants. It’s a tension-filled race against time.

Well, maybe not that tense. You see, you have the power to turn back time whenever you like, and start the three-day cycle anew. This throws a lot of people off. “How am I supposed to win in three days?” they ask, stupidly. You’re not. You’re supposed to accomplish a few little things on each cycle. You’re not expected to be doing something important for entire duration of all three of those days.

This repeating three-day cycle is the other huge point of contention among the haters. “But everything I did is undone when I reset time!” they complained, ignorantly. That’s kind of the whole point.

The overarching theme of Majora’s Mask is despair. It’s oppressive, violent, and bleak. As you play those three dire days over and over again, you’ll get to know the people of the land. You’ll see their excitement for the coming carnival slowly give way to despair for their coming doom. There are very few gaming experiences that are so chilling as running around Clock Town with only a few hours left to impact.

Take the postman for example. He jovially runs around town, picking up and delivering the mail every day. He is shackled to his rigid schedule, but he loves his work. He’s perfectly happy with his daily routine. Until the evening of the third day. If you enter the post office at that point, the postman will be writhing on the floor, unable to run for his life because of his duty to adhere to the schedule. On his bed is an opened letter, written to the postman by himself, urging him to flee even though it’s not on the schedule. But he can’t do it, can’t save his own life. His life is his work. What would he have left if he abandoned his post? It’s dark, it’s haunting, it’s beautiful.

Of course, you can help the postman. There is a way to convince him to run to safety. But then you start the cycle over, and it’s like you never did a thing. The new instance of the poor postman will probably spend his final hours in mental agony, wishing that he could run, but unable to. Because you won’t save him again. Why would you? You already have the Postman’s Hat for doing it once. Every future postman (until you complete the game) will die a horrible death.

That’s just how it is. Many of the people of Termina have problems. Some more dire or elaborate than others, and you’re literally only helping them for the prize. You’ll gain no satisfaction from giving them a hand, because when you turn back time, it’ll be like you never did anything at all. And you’re going to feel bad about it too, because these characters are very well-realized. while the NPCs in Ocarina were just sort of there, these are people with lives and schedules and personalities. You’ll get to know them well, watching them live out their last three days over and over again.

Yeah, it sounds really bleak and depressing. And it is! But think back, and try to imagine any other Zelda game that’s actually evoked an emotional response from you (aside from The Wind Waker). There probably aren’t any. Majora’s Mask is unique in that it’s a game world that makes you want to save it. You’ll feel beaten down and hopeless most of the time, but that just makes it that much more rewarding whenever you make those little bits of permanent progress.

When it first came out, I did feign disinterest in Majora’s Mask while in public, because that was the popular opinion amongst my peers, and high school is the very last place you want to stand out from the crowd. But secretly, I adored it. I was charmed by its offbeat world, I appreciated the three-day cycle, and I loved the grim atmosphere that permeated the entire game. There was a point in time where I would go home after school every day and play it until I fell asleep. Must have beaten it four or five times in a row. Even if it’s not the best video game, it’s absolutely a work of art. I can’t wait to experience the polished-up version on 3DS.

Attack of the Garbage Bag Men! I mean Giant Leeches!

I was reading some of X-Entertainment’s old movie reviews the other day, which were, if you weren’t already aware, the inspiration for this blog. You really can’t find writing like that any more. Even DinoDrac doesn’t have that same tone. But that’s what time does. The internet is a much different place than in was in 2002. Thoughtfully-written websites and blogs are gone in favour of mindless Tweets and Facebook statuses. Luckily, things tend to stick around forever on here.

Reading those old reviews sparked my will to write, and my initial inspiration was to write a big long blog post about why I don’t watch movies any more. But that very quickly became a huge mess of partial thoughts and poorly-described neuroses. So I burned it down and tried to create a shorter, point-form version of it. That ended up in pretty much the same boat, so I axed it as well.

Then I had a flash of brilliance: Why not actually just watch a movie and then review it?

The problem was where to start. The frightening truth is that I haven’t watched about a quarter of the movies I own. There was a lot to choose from. But it had to be something reviewable. And by that, I mean corny and easy to make fun of. I figured that I’d already set a precedent, so I might as well try something else from the Roger Corman box set.

And that’s why you’re going to read about Attack of the Giant Leeches today.

Continue reading Attack of the Garbage Bag Men! I mean Giant Leeches!

Year of N64 – October – Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes

I have two strong memories regarding Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes. The first is having spent a lot of time playing with a very good friend of mine who I’ve barely talked to over the last decade. Thinking about it makes me a little sad about how I lost touch with many of my friends because I’m so self-centered and bad at taking initiative.

The other memory is of having finally beaten the game after a rental or two on Halloween night. I remember battling my way through the final stage while my brothers were out trick-or-treating, and having to take a break to watch the new Treehouse of Horror. Also gorging myself on treats stolen from the bowl meant for trick-or-treaters. Sadly, it is the stronger of the two memories. Probably because of the whole “I’m so self-centered” thing.

Anyway, that’s why I chose this game to play in October. For whatever reason, Sarge’s Heroes and Halloween are inextricably linked in my mind. Go figure.

Playing Sarge’s Heroes again seemed like a bad idea at first. My nostalgia for the game left a very nice impression in my mind, even though I do seem to recall it being pretty janky even at the time. And janky it is. It lacks a lot of handy features and smooth edges that we’ve gotten used to in modern games, but I would wager that back in 1999, it was still passable. Possibly even good.

Controlling Sarge is the biggest problem with the game. He moves at a brisk pace, but the game works on a tank-like control scheme where pressing the control stick to the left or right will turn Sarge in that direction, not move him that way. Unlike Resident Evil and other games that use this control scheme, Sarge doesn’t have to stop to turn; you can swerve him to either side while moving forward. It’s not perfect, but it’s something.

There are also no camera controls, so you’re stuck hoping for the camera to swivel in the direction you want it to. Most of the time this amounts to you running around blind for a moment while you wait for the camera to get behind Sarge. There isn’t even a button to quickly snap it behind him like in 3D Zeldas. You can press the first-person aiming button to get that effect, but you’re stuck going into first-person mode for a second that way.

Strafing is a skill that can help you to deal with these issues, but it’s the kind of strafing where you hold a button and then Sarge walks sideways instead of turning. And it’s on the Right C button for some reason. Sure, it’s the best you can do without a second analog stick, but it’s still not ideal.

The most important thing I want you to take away from this review is this: if Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes had a modern control scheme (including camera control), it would be a considerably better game. Let me play it with a dual-analog controller of some sort and my opinion of it would be very positive. I don’t even care if the graphics are crummy and the gameplay is simple. I like it that way.

That said, it’s still actually pretty fun. The game is made up of fifteen missions, each of which drops you on a reasonably-sized map with a big X marking your destination, and lets you come up with your own way to get there. Some maps are less open than others, but they’re all fairly unique and give you plenty of opportunities to goof off and explore.

Some missions simply require you to get to the X. Sometimes you have to destroy a certain thing, and sometimes you’ve got to escort someone. The escort missions aren’t nearly as bad as you might imagine, as most of the time your ally is smart enough to hide from enemy fire. Occasionally they won’t though, and they do get shot to bits pretty fast if you aren’t keeping tabs on them.

One of the modern conveniences that Sarge’s Heroes lacks is checkpoints. All missions have two or more objectives, and there’s no saving between them. If you get killed, it’s back to square one. It’s a bit of a pain in the behind, but most missions are fairly short, and if you know what you’re doing, they generally won’t take more than five to ten minutes.

Enemies function exactly as you imagine they would in a game from 1999. They’re either sitting in one spot, waiting endlessly for you to get too close, walking a predetermined sentry path, or set to appear when you trip an invisible switch. Their AI is pretty pitiful. Once they spot you, they’ll either charge straight at you or stand perfectly still and fire a shot every few seconds. No cover, no dodging. It’s pretty much a shooting gallery. The only time enemies get any more dangerous is when they’re packing better hardware. For example, shotgun troopers deal heavy damage and flamethrower guys can melt you pretty much instantly.

Tanks and helicopters can be incredibly dangerous foes, but they can also be handily dispatched by figuring out their range of vision and picking away at them from just outside of it. If you know where they show up and how they move, they shouldn’t cause you much trouble at all. If they catch you off guard though, about the best thing you can do is to run away like there’s no tomorrow.

Sarge has a fairly wide array of weapons with which to stop the Tan army. Most of the time your M16 is more than enough to handle the situation, but you also have access to sniper rifles, shotguns, grenades, rocket launchers, flamethrowers, and… a mine sweeper? Each weapon functions pretty much exactly as other video games have taught you. The bazooka you obviously want to save for tanks and choppers, but the sniper rifle and grenades are fantastic ways to clear out enemies without getting your hands dirty. They’re almost too effective…

The one thing that really, really irks me about the gameplay is how enemies show up on the mini-map. Tan blips don’t appear until you’re close, which I can understand. Don’t want to make it too easy, you know? But they also don’t disappear until long after you’ve already killed them, which is annoying, and means that you’ll be waiting around for a few seconds after every encounter to see if you’re dispatched all the nearby foes. It’s really not a huge issue, but it still bugs me way more than it should.

There isn’t a lot to be said about the music in Sarge’s Heroes, as it’s mostly cheesy faux-military sounding stuff. However, there is one track in the game that is so very similar to Van Halen’s version of “You Really Got Me” that I’m sure a few people didn’t notice that it was just a ripoff. There may be more “borrowed” tracks in the game, but I didn’t recognize any during my time with it.

Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes isn’t really a great game, as far as the average video game enthusiast’s standards go. It’s got a lot of rough edges, but there’s a fairly solid product under there. I really like it, and if I were able to maneuver Sarge around a little more gracefully, I think it could be a contender. It even makes me want to seek out and play some of the sequels, but word on the street (Wikipedia) is that Sarge’s Heroes 2 is good and then it’s a steep downhill plummet from there.

In any case, it was a breath of fresh air after Donkey Kong 64.

Year of N64 – September – Donkey Kong 64

I have played Donkey Kong 64 to 101% completion at least twice in my lifetime. Possibly even three times, but I can only clearly remember the two. I have fond memories of the game, recalling only a single instance -a mini-game, at that- that caused me fits of frustration. However, in 2014, Donkey Kong 64 seems like nothing but an exercise in frustration.

I’m getting a little ahead of myself there, though. If you’re not familiar with it, Donkey Kong 64 is a 3D platformer developed by Rare. Playing it again, I couldn’t help but feel like it’s more a sequel to Banjo-Kazooie than any previous Donkey Kong game. The mechanics are the same, the games feel the same, even the music is incredibly similar. Both games are packed to the gills with collectible doo-dads.

The big difference, and what works in Banjo-Kazooie’s favour, is that BK only has one playable character. Well, two, but they’re eternally bonded together (at least until the sequel). Donkey Kong 64 has five playable characters, and as such, you need to scour each stage (and the hub!) five times to collect each one’s differently-coloured set of items. Yes, each Kong has a unique set of skills, but Banjo and Kazooie had just as many skills crammed into one character. It feels like having multiple characters is just a smokescreen, making it seem like there’s more to the game than there actually is.

The character-switching isn’t a major gripe though. There are much more pressing and infuriating matters at hand here. Firstly, Donkey Kong 64 has what must be the most openly antagonistic camera in all of video games. It’s not the worst in outdoor environments, but indoors, it basically refuses to ever be in the right place because it cannot deal with walls. It does not pan freely, but rather it always moves in chunks, and is never, ever right behind the player. This makes precision platforming much harder than it needs to be, especially with the somewhat loose controls. Even worse, is that the camera does not stay fixed at the angle you choose, and will start floating all over as soon as you start moving. I’m sure it’s intentionally trying to make me miss jumps.

Camera management woes aside, the game was pretty smooth out of the gate. Everything was going well for the first two worlds. I was collecting bananas, learning new abilities, rescuing fellow Kongs, trampling bosses. It was all well and good. Then came world three. In this world, you’re given the opportunity to play the original Donkey Kong arcade game. In fact, you have to beat it to win a golden banana. This was a pain in the butt, as you only get one life, and when you lose it, you get booted all the way out of the game. If it even just sent you back to the title screen, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but each time you die, it’s a good thirty seconds until you start your next run.

Donkey Kong isn’t terribly difficult for an arcade game. I managed to win after about half an hour. But then you have to play it again. With increased difficulty (more fireballs, DK throws barrels at different angles, etc). This is where it becomes a truly massive pain, as round two seems to be simply to win a unique kajigger. It’s not until the very end of the game, though, that you’re informed that you need this kajigger to fight the final boss. Thanks, Rare. You’re kind of a dick.

Not all the collectibles are quite so bad, though. Each stage has a whopping 500 small bananas to collect, 100 for each Kong. Luckily, you’re awarded a banana medal for collecting only 75 of each colour, and only the medals count towards your game clear percentage, so you don’t have to go out of your mind tracking down each and every one. Of course, if you’re not playing to 101%, it’s not an issue anyway. Also, collecting 15 banana medals unlocks Rare’s classic arcade game, Jetpac, which is a bit more fun than Donkey Kong. You have to win another unique thingamajig from Jetpac. It’s not easy, but it’s much less of a hassle to earn that one.

There are 25 golden bananas (the game’s main collectible) in each stage, 5 to be found by each Kong. Most of the golden bananas are earned by completing a challenge or making use of a Kong’s skill. Sometimes, though, you’ll also have to win a mini-game to get your banana. Some are just boring and simple, like one where you have to win a slot machine several times or collect a handful of coins in a small maze. Some are actually pretty fun, like the one where you have to pilot a minecart around a track while avoiding other, more explosive minecarts. And then there’s Beaver Bother.

Beaver Bother is a mini-game in which you play as a Klaptrap tasked with herding a number of Gnawtys into a hole. Sounds simple. You run around and bark at the beavers, and they fall in. Or, that’s how it’s supposed to work. In reality, the beavers are way smarter than they should be, and are able to consistently run up against the edge of the hole and not fall in, as if there’s an invisible railing around it. Sometimes they do fall in, though. I don’t know what triggers it. The game seems to run entirely on luck, and it took me forever to win each of the four instances of this stupid game. There’s another one, Big Bug Bash, where you’re a flyswatter and you… swat flies. It’s a little tedious too, but that’s just because the flies are quick and unpredictable, not because the game seems fundamentally broken.

It should be noted that the first time you play Beaver Bother is in world three.

Also, for whatever reason, my game did not save properly after I completed world three, resulting in me losing a couple hours of progress. I was almost ready to throw in the towel after that. I’m sure it’s not the game’s fault or anything, but it sure didn’t ameliorate my already soured opinion of it.

I need to stop to say a nice thing about the game here. And that’s that I love the music. It takes a few cues from some more iconic Donkey Kong Country tracks, but then just spins off and ends up sounding mostly like Banjo-Kazooie. Which is just fine, because Banjo-Kazooie has a terrific soundtrack. I always enjoy Grant Kirkhope’s work.

Despite all the things that tried to hard to frustrate me to the point of quitting, I powered through and completed Donkey Kong 64 yet again. Like, to 101%. I know, I’m a little crazy. The pain was softened by a cheat for unlimited resources like ammo banana coins, and crystal coconuts (which power special abilities). This cheat had been unlocked by a previous save file, and I had no qualms with using it to make my life a little easier this time around. Of course, it didn’t help me with the more frustrating parts of the game, but at least I never had to worry about running out of thingamabobs.

The final verdict is that no, Donkey Kong 64 is not a good game in 2014. I could have defended it in 1999, when most other games were even worse, but it hasn’t got a leg to stand on any longer. I would really like to see a modernized remake that fixes the camera and controls, redoes or replaces the mini-games, and otherwise sands down the other rough edges. Because this is a game I’d like to be able to like. The fact of the matter is that you’re much better off playing the Banjo-Kazooie port on XBLA if you’re jonesing for some Rare-style 3D platforming.

Year of N64 – August – Bomberman 64

Bomberman 64 took me the entire month to finish, despite the fact that the game clock only reads about two hours of playtime. I can’t explain this phenomenon in any other way than a simple “I had no desire to play it.”

Where did that lack of interest come from? It could be because I had filled my plate well over its edges in August, and simply was so busy with other, more relevant video games that I couldn’t be bothered to make time for Bomberman. Or it could just have something to do with Bomberman 64 not being all that fun. Spoiler: It’s both of those reasons.

I used to love Bomberman. Like, you have no idea. I bought Bomberman Generations for a whopping $100 when it first came out (though I can’t tell you why it was so ridiculously overpriced). I couldn’t help it, I was a stupid teenager at the time. As time moves on though, I find myself less and less enchanted with the franchise. Playing the classic multiplayer mode is still probably the most fun you can have with video games, but single-player Bomberman doesn’t really interest me at all any more.

So it really doesn’t help that Bomberman 64 is fairly lackluster. First of all, it’s a short game. A really, really short game. There are five worlds, and each world is made up of four stages. Two of those stages are action/puzzle levels, where you explore, blow stuff up, and make your way to the exit. The other two stages are a duel with an evil bomber-person, and the world boss. so really you’re only looking at ten stages total. Well, twelve, but more on that later.

The action stages are fairly fun. For the most part, they put you in a big open level, and then leave you to your business of finding the exit. They all have some sort of puzzle element, like chasing down an enemy who has stolen the exit (???) or closing a series of dams so that you can traverse previously waterlogged areas. Not all of them are very inspired though. One level simply has three levers right next to the exit that you have to trigger by throwing bombs at them.

Throwing bombs is a big deal though, and ends up being one of the major gimmicks of Bomberman 64’s gameplay. In the 2D games, Bomberman needs a special item to pick up and throw bombs, but here it’s an innate ability. Not only can you pick up and toss bombs, but you can also pump them up to make big bombs, which are necessary in pretty much every stage, as they can destroy things that normal bombs can’t (usually scenery). You’ve also got to be good at throwing bombs to injure most of the bosses, but it’s a little more annoying there. See, you don’t just press a button after laying a bomb to pick it up. You need to step away, turn around, and then pick it up. Bomberman can be a little finnicky about this. If you get too close, he’ll just kick it, and if you’re on uneven ground, there’s a very good chance that he just won’t do anything. In a regular stage, it’s not a dealbreaker, but during hectic boss fights, it can be a real pain in the patoot.

Bomber duels are still the most annoying part of the game though. Imagine if you will, a one-on-one Bomberman game against an AI player in a wide open arena. They’re faster than you, and they can use a special projectile attack in addition to their bombs. It’s not a good time. Fortunately, the evil bombers in this one are a little stupider than in later games. On more than one occasion I witnessed an enemy bomber try to walk through a bomb, and simply keep rubbing up against it until it blew up. The actual bosses are somewhat less difficult, as they’re big monsters with defined attack patterns, and at least one is susceptible to a one-hit kill. That or the game glitched in my favour. That’s not to say that they’re easy, but they’re less frustrating than the bombers.

The game pads itself out a little by offering a small selection of collectibles for you to find. First are the costume pieces, which I’ll talk about in a bit. Then there are the Gold Cards. There are five of these in each stage. They show up in later Bomberman games as well (as “Lightning Cards”), and have been a source of many a headache for me. Some of them are just tucked away in corners, one is a reward for beating a stage under a certain time. I assume that some are earned by completing a special requirement and possibly for killing so many foes in a stage, but I mostly just ignored them so I can’t say that for sure The problem with that is that the real final world unlocks after you earn all 100 Gold Cards. I decided that it wasn’t really worth the time or effort.

The multiplayer in Bomberman 64 is exactly what you’d expect, and I don’t feel that I have to really say anything about it. Who isn’t familiar with multiplayer Bomberman? The one note that I need to make is that the costume parts that you collect in the single-player mode and use to dress up your Bomberman are only usable in multiplayer. It’s kind of silly that you can’t use your custom Bomberman in the story mode, but what can you do?

It’s important to note that Bomberman 64 was the very first 3D Bomberman, so that goes a way in explaining why the game is rough around the edges. The later games did get better, so the issues with Bomberman 64 are definitely more growing pains than anything else. And it’s not like there’s even anything explicity wrong with the game; it just doesn’t do anything overly interesting with that extra dimension. f you’ve got to play a Nintendo 64 Bomberman, play Bomberman 64: The Second Attack. It’s a little more meaty, and has a cooperative story mode. I probably should have played that instead, now that I think about it…