Articles – Page 16

Guest Article: Yoshi’s Island

So, I’ve decided to make a review for Ryan. Horrific sentences and hard to understand ideas are in your near future. So, I’ve decided to review Yoshi’s Island; A wonderful game, one of the best games I have ever played. On to the article!

It’s great when your subject does the work for you, but there’s a little more back story than this. So, as they say in the streets, “This is how it goes down.” Baby Mario and Luigi are on there way to what I assume is their parents house in a stork’s bill. Magikoopa attempts to steal both babies, and fails 50% when Mario falls to what we believe is his doom. Luckily, he falls to Yoshi’s island and onto either, The Yoshi, or a yoshi. To be honest, I’m not sure, it says “It’s a lovely day and Yoshi is taking a walk.” but Yoshi the common noun is capitalized too… Oh screw it, it’s of less importance than the game. We’ll just blame the translators.

Here we can see the anger of failure. Notice the gaping peanut shaped mouth, and the fists of frustration. If you take a look at those 4 smaller Magikoopa-esqe toadies, these are the only things in the game that can make you fail, other than to fall into one of the holes in the game. To help your confusion, the game play works like this; You have baby Mario on your back for the vast majority of the game, if you get hit, Mario gets enclosed in a bubble, floats away, and you have X seconds to get him back before the red quartet snatch him away. It’s a real pain in the butt, but I really like the idea. It’s a “truly original idea” that even John Nash would be proud of. The goal of the game I guess is to get Mario back to his parents. I really don’t know. All we know is Yoshi is following a map that fell along with the future hero. Heck he could be going to Motocross Madness.

Alright, now that the back-story has been dealt with, onto the game! Look at this brilliant piece of work, it’s the best opening screen I’ve ever seen. It’s so colourful! This is really where the cartridge’s FX chip really came into play, all the background stuff rotates! It’s really a beautiful thing to see, I could spend hours just watching this. Wow, now that I think back on it, I was 9 when this thing came out, I think a little math will prove my accuracy. 1995-1986=MeBeingRight. There’s a brilliant song playing in the background too, I got this from The Mushroom Kingdom website.

Yoshi’s Island Title song

Hey, I never said I was good at the game. Besides, he got behind a wall that takes far more than 10-30 seconds to get to the other side of. One of the things that bothers me the most in this game is Mario’s wailing. I mean, he’s in a bubble, he should be happy that he’s floating around. But enough bad. I think the best part of this game is that it’s chalked full of everything. There’s so many different things in it. Since I’m being a bit vague, I suppose specifics are in order. Let’s take the bosses for example. One boss is a big fat bouncing something or other, and you have to hit him till his pants fall off. it sounds perverse, but he’s just a ball with eyes and feet, and there’s nothing there that the pants could be covering. Another boss is a blob that also bounces, but he tries to shove you into lava. I haven’t really played this since grade 4, so I remember very little, but I believe there’s also frog that eats you, and you have to hit that hanging thing at the back of his throat. There’s so many different things in this game, there are new things every level.

So, I’m losing interest in writing this, and am going to do the ratings thing

Graphics: 10/10

The graphics are mind-boggling. Some of you are saying “but it’s 2D blah blah blah” the thing is, it’s a lot harder to do things in 2D than it is in 3D, with 3D, the graphics engine does all the work, and practically everything is the same. In Yoshi’s Island, there was so much work put into making the different levels/bosses that I can’t even fathom how they did it.

Sound: 10/10

I love the music to this game. If you really want to know what I’m talking about, here’s a site with a few Midis people have made.

The Mushroom
Kingdom — Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island Midi Page

Game play: 8/10

Good, but I find myself in a lot of trouble when Yoshi turns into a mole car… the controls go to hell. Also, shooting could have been much better designed.

Well, that’s it. This was my first article. It took me an hour to make it… What can I say, loosing interest is what I do best. I strongly recommend getting this game by any means necessary. It’s great.

~Edwin

The Hamburger Game

I know that as of late, a lot of my content has been revolving around video games. I intend to stop that trend with this here article. I haven’t really written about anything non-video game for a while (excluding holiday specials), and it’s making my site seem too video game-oriented. Of course, that’s what I love, so it’s okay, but that’s not why I made the site. I wanted to write about all sorts of different stuff. That includes toys, games, food, movies, whatever. If I can think of something I love and think might interest others, I’ll write about it.

I’ve been playing board games my whole life, and you think by now I’d be pretty good. But the fact of the matter is, it’s almost always up to the dice to decide who’s gonna win. A lot of them are games of chance, and very few require a lot of skill or thinking. That’s why for the most part, they’re aimed at children. But hey, they’re fun, and that’s why I’ve been spending a lot of time playing them lately.

During the last semester of school, me and my friends have been playing board games a lot during spare. At first it was Monopoly. We played Monopoly for months. Every day we played at least one game. It was starting to get annoying, so we mixed it up by playing Star Wars Monopoly instead. Then when we got annoyed with that, we moved onto Star Wars Battleship. That one didn’t last too long, but I did have a much better record, 5-1, than I did at Monopoly, 5-(no clue). We knew we had to find something new and fast. That’s when I remembered the Hamburger Game.

One of the most cherished of my childhood memories, the Hamburger Game is still one of my personal favorite board games to play. Most of my friends think it’s exceedingly stupid, but I love it. I mean, how could you not like a game that is about food? All food-type games I can think of are great; the Hamburger Game, Pizza Party, Grape Escape, and to a lesser extent, Candy Land. Actually, the Grape Escape game is a lot better than all of them if you just intend to smash the Play-Doh grapes over and over, but I still think quite highly of the Hamburger Game.

Oh, and one more little thing before I really get into it, my friend took all the pics, not me. I know he hasn’t learned the word ‘focus’, but I don’t actually have the game, so there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it. Just keep in mind that I didn’t take them, so you shouldn’t get angry at me when you can’t tell whether a picture is of a tomato or a jackalope. Not my fault. Got it? Just wanna keep myself on the innocent side here. Ok, back to the thingy.

Above, you can see the game board. It’s full of all sorts of crazy crap, and may even seem a bit confusing if you have no idea how the game is played. But the rules of the game are actually quite simple. There are two to four players competing to collect all the pieces for their burger. It’s just like a big game of memory, with a die and pawns. And even the pawns are pretty basic, as they’re the same pawns that come in 60% of all the board games out there.

In the center here, we have all the little white spaces where all the burger pieces are placed. The only trick is that they’re face-down!! I guess it doesn’t seem so easy now, does it? You may also notice that the lettuce seems to be hitting on the tomato, but I’ll get to that a bit later. Basically, the way the game is played, is that the player rolls, moves, and then tries to find the burger ingredient that they landed on. If they find it, they get it. If not, tough cookies.

When a player scores a piece, they get to put it in this handy little area to keep it safe from the others. It’s even got a little position for each ingredient. Isn’t that thoughtful? Now you may wonder, “But what if I only want a veggie burger? Or a burger without onions?” Well once again, tough cookies. You’re supposed to be some fast-food guy making burgers for real people who eat real burgers, not wuss-burgers. At least that’s what I like to think. I think you’re thinking that I’ve gotten way too into this game. And if you are thinking that, you’re right.

This is what a complete burger… box… thing… looks like. Oh yes, and there’s one important little detail I forgot to mention. No matter how many times you land on it and find it, you have to pick up the bun last. Once again, you question the game’s logic, since the bun character is the whole bun, but the instructions say that it’s only the top of the bun. Besides, when making a burger, I imagine you’d gather all the ingredients before you start putting it together, so it makes sense in a roundabout way. Maybe that last paragraph didn’t make sense to you, but it worked in my head, so I’m not changing it.

And this one is what the game might look like when being played, with all the pieces in place, and the crappy little pawns all over. Notice how they lack so much detail. I would have preferred comical standy characters, but when I think about it, there are no characters aside from the ingredients in this game. So I guess you get away with it this time, Chieftain Games. But next time… next time will be different. I’ll make the New Hamburger Game, and it will be the greatest game ever!! I’ll show you all!! SHOW YOU ALL! Ahem. You’ll have to excuse me. I tend to go insane from time to time.

Ah crap! There is one more thing I forgot to tell youse. This space here is called “The Kitchen”. Sounds pretty hardcore, eh? Well, it is. It’s the only reason that I ever lose this damn game. You see, when you land on your own Kitchen, you can call any piece you want and go for it, but if you land on opponent’s Kitchen you’re screwed. In that scenario, they get to steal any piece that they want from you. And trust me, it’s a huge problem. Like I said, I always lose because of these damned squares!

And now that I’ve given you an idea how the game goes down, we’ll take a look at each of the characters. Sure, by all means they’re just run-of-the-mill foodstuffs with faces, but my friends and I were able to give them all personalities. Yes, we have absolutely nothing better to do in the three hours we have between classes. Two spares in a row before lunch may sound like a good idea, but trust me, unless you want to waste a lot of gas, being stuck in school for that long is not very fun at all.

Our first and most confusing character is Kelly Ketchup. The problem with Kelly is his/her/it’s gender obscurity. The name is no help, as ‘Kelly’ is regularly applied to both males and females. The character itself holds no evidence of sexuality either, as the face is as totally gender neutral as the rest of the body. Finally, Kelly isn’t even on the box, so there’s no way at all to tell which gender this particular bottle of ketchup is. Kelly is kind of like the Pat of the Hamburger Town.

Next up is Billy Bun. There isn’t a whole lot to say about him. He’s the most annoying bun you’ll ever meet, because he keeps popping up when you don’t want to see him. I guess if anything, he’s a monster, because as depicted on both the box and the center square, he intends to eat all the other ingredients. He’s just making it seem like they’re going on a nice little ride, but when they’re all on there you just know he’s gonna munch ‘em all up like so many condiments before them. Gee… Now I really don’t like Billy.

These two are Peter and Paula Pickle. There are two theories for these two. The first one, my theory, is that Peter is a cannibal and ate Paula, and on the tiles, she’s just a cardboard standy. My reasoning is that only Peter is on the box. So where is Paula? Where is she? The second, less appreciated theory is that they’re just normal pickles, but they enjoy the company of each other just a little bit too much, if you know what I mean. If you don’t get it, here’s a hint: it starts with an “In” and ends with a “Cest”. Another point of interest, my friend Stacey seems to harbour some sort of strange attraction to these pickles. I suggested that a cucumber might be more satisfying and was promptly kicked.

This guy is Oscar Onion. As you can tell, he’s quite the wussy. Always crying, even on the box. Just look at the guy. He’s pathetic, like some sort of pity whore. I mean, maybe he realizes his fate and is very unhappy about it, but if I knew I was going to be killed and eaten, I wouldn’t stand around crying, I’d get the Hell out of there. Other than that, Oscar is a very uninteresting character. Just like real onions.

If Kelly Ketchup is the Pat, then Marsha Mustard is the floozy of Hamburger Town. Just looking at her, you can see how much of a tart she is. And the proof is all over the box. On the cover, she’s clearly fondling the cheese, and then on the side she’s moved on to another of the condiments. Sure, maybe the guys who designed it just didn’t care about continuity, and they probably never thought that it would be analyzed by a bunch of immature teenagers, but that’s very unlikely.

Charlie Cheese is another one of those characters that you really can’t make up anything funny about. He’s full of holes, so maybe he’s been shot a lot? All I know is that I have no respect for him, because he’s a sucker for that hussy Marsha’s seductive ways. Damn fool probably pays for sex. I guess there really aren’t any other characters fit for that job, as most of the others are male, dead, or lesbians. But maybe I should stop with all the sex jokes and stuff, this has gotten a little too dirty even for me. Oh well, it’s not like any kids read these things.

Ah, good old “Beefy” Burger. This guy’s got a lot of problems. First off, he’s always on fire. Why? Nobody’s sure, but it is quite odd. Secondly, his name is in quotation marks, suggesting that he’s taken on a false name. Now why would he do that? The general consensus is that he is the one who shot Charlie full of holes. Why he changed his name we don’t know, as there are no cops in Hamburger Town. Well, ther’s that one guy, but he’s too busy chasing the Hamburglar. And there aren’t any other ‘Burgers’ there either. Did he really think changing his name would fool anyone? It didn’t fool me.

Linda Lettuce. She seems quite happy and normal on the tiles, but take a closer look at the box and center of the board. It’s plain to see that she is glaring rather seductively at the tomato. Now this really doesn’t seem so bad, but wait ‘till you hear this; the tomato is a chick! That means only one thing. Linda is a lesbian. No bones about it, but it’s not like there’s anything wrong with that. She’s always after the tomato, too. At least she’s not a tramp like Marsha.

Our last character is Theresa Tomato. Not only does she have to deal with constantly being hit on by Linda, but she’s also got quite a physical load to bear. She’s a plumper, and it’s impossible to deny. The fattest resident of Hamburger Town. That’s quite the title to have, and it probably wouldn’t be so bad if she was a guy, but she’s a chick and the truth is that our society is just not that kind to overweight women. She has Linda, at least, but otherwise must deal with the disapproving glares of all the other foodstuffs. Did you know tomatoes are berries? Poor Theresa. She’s probably praying for death.

And that’s the whole crew. They’re some pretty farked-up foods, eh? What’s that? I’m the one who made it all up so I must be the one with problems? Nah, that can’t be. Remember, this was a team effort. I wrote this article all by myself, but a lot of the ideas came from my friends. Heck, I even drew a comic about it, and it’ll be posted up somewhere eventually.

All in all, after playing this game a few times to bring back the fond memories, I can certainly say that it’s even more fun that I remember. It might have something to do with the fact that I was playing with people other than myself, but I think it also had to do with the fact that it’s so simple and fun after playing stuff like Monopoly for so long. I’d certainly recommend playing this game to anyone. If only it wasn’t so extinct. Sadly, my friends don’t love it quite as much as I do, and after about a week, we moved onto Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. I wish I had a lot of my old games…

Well, that’s that. I guess it’s time for the little conclusion/news thing I do at the end of every article. If you didn’t pick up on it during the article, I really love the Hamburger Game, and so many other games I played as a child. They were a lot better back then, and more original too. I mean, there’s gotta be like 5 billion different versions of Monopoly out there, and at least 27 versions of Clue. And these are all that they’re making these days. I’d like to see some old board game remakes. Particularly the Hamburger Game, the Squirrel Game, and Rockin’ Robins. Ooh! And Shark Attack, but I think one of my friends might still have that one.

So now that this is done, I guess I’ll move onto something new. I don’t know what that something is, but I’m sure I’ll find it pretty soon. I plan to finish the 6-Foot 3-Pak thing in the near future, and it’ll be in two installments, too, as the last two games are pretty huge in themselves. Valentine’s Day is just around the bend, but that certainly isn’t going to bring in any article material. I’m going on a trip soon, and with my soon-to-be-newly-acquired digital camera, you can expect pics of that to be up sometime. And with that, I’m done. I’ve passed 2500 words so there’s no more reason for me to hang around here.

Mario Kart: Double Dash!!

So Nintendo makes a lot of great games, right? Of course they do, I don’t even have to wait for your confirmation. It’s clear from the first sentence that this is gonna be another totally biased review isn’t it? Good, just making sure. I guess that this paragraph has gone to waste, like so many before it, thanks to my unremitting rambling. Ha. Unremitting. And some people say that the thesaurus is a waste. Now I look pretty smart, or at least I think so.

And now to get back on topic. (Off topic in the first intro paragraph? New record?) I’ve been playing a lot of games lately, and few of them have been suiting my needs wholly. I mean sure, Return of the King is pretty good, and Secret Collect has its moments, but I’ve been looking for something a little more… fantastic. And that’s where my good friends at Nintendo come in.

I’ve rented two games (that I can remember) in the last two months, and they’ve both been very good to me. The first was Mario Party 5, which was, nay is absolutely astounding. Its single-player modes are much better than those of previous installations, and the multiplayer is possibly even better than Super Smash Bros. Melee. And seeing as how much I love SSBM, that’s a damn good game. But the second is the one I chose to review, and that is Mario Kart: Double Dash!! So now that we’ve got the topic, let’s get to it!

Here we have the newest, and unquestionably the best of them all. With all of the new things it brings to the table, and the old and improved stuff too, this Mario Kart is the racing game that everyone should be playing. I’m not sure exactly where to start, since I’ve got so much to work with. So I guess I’ll just go ahead and show you the first pic.

Ah, this is the title screen. But not the title screen you’ll be seeing, as it changes to this one once the game has been completed. But that’s of no importance, seeing as there is much more to the game than the title screen. And now we shall delve into that gamey goodness, starting with the basics of gameplay.

First thing is the Grand Prix mode. This is the meat of the game, and can be played with one or multiple players. I’m not sure if you can unlock stuff with more than two players, as I haven’t tried it. So the first decision you’ll have to make is which engine size you wish to play with. For your reference, 50cc is easy, 100cc is medium, and 150cc is hard.

Next you pick your characters. “Characters? With an S?” you ask. Yes, each kart has two characters in it this time around, making for some great multiplayer gameplay. As you can see in the pic above, there are enough players to choose from to rival a fighting game’s roster. Only, when you start, four of them won’t be there. Once you’ve picked your guys, you get to choose a kart to ride in. Kart choices very depending on which characters you chose. My personal favorite team is Luigi and Baby Luigi with the Green Fire kart (which needs to be unlocked). Oh, and one last thing, each “set” of characters has their own special weapon, so choose wisely.

Next you get to choose which cup you’re going for. Obviously, the Mushroom Cup is the easiest and so on. The last two cups, the Special Cup and the All Cup Tournament, have to be unlocked, just so you know. Personally, my favorite is the All Cup, just because it gives you the chance to race everywhere, and it even randomizes the order in which you race the courses. Otherwise, I think the Mushroom cup, just for the sake of simplicity.

Now there are a lot of little things you should know before starting, just so that you have an edge. Firstly, at the beginning of a race you can get a speed burst by hitting the A button at the right time. Veterans of any Mario Kart game should know this little trick. Secondly, when drifting you can acquire a small speed boost by tilting the control stick back and forth. Once you see blue sparks, you can let go and zoom away. I was trying to demonstrate this in the pic above, but Bowser jumped in the way just as I clicked the “take photo” button. Damn attention hog.

The rest of the game is pretty simple, and I don’t think I should have to tell you what to be doing. Anybody who’s played a previous Mario Kart should have no trouble getting used to this one, as it’s the same style of game, and they’re all pretty similar. Of course, there are a couple of new weapons, but they’re all special weapons specific to each set of characters. In the shot above, you can see that Luigi’s got a Fireball, which is his (and Mario’s) special. Some others are just old weapons that are now character-specific. So if you’re looking for a triple-shell, you have to be the Koopa Troopa.

Now I imagine anyone should be able to win all the gold trophies in the 50cc class, as it is exceedingly easy. Heck, you should be able to do it with perfect 40’s on every cup. If you can’t then I’ll hunt you down and make you play until you can!! Consider that a threat. If you can’t do perfects on the other engine sizes, it’s okay, they’re harder and it’s more acceptable. Even I don’t have all perfects on 150cc. Yet.

Okay, now we’re gonna start the course summary with, oddly enough, the first course; Luigi Circuit. This is just a plain old rubber band-shaped track. There isn’t a whole lot that makes it special besides the Chain Chomp and the many boosters along the turns. On 100cc and above, the wall in the center of the track is gone, and there are “shortcuts” on the sides, but in this game, shortcuts are rarely any shorter than the long way, and they’re usually more dangerous too. In this case, they do nothing. It’s still an easy course to win though.

Next up is Peach Beach. This is a very nice beach that looks like it came straight out of Super Mario Sunshine. (Not unlike most of the rest of the game.) It’s got a Pianta statue/fountain, a huge warp pipe, and those damn annoying duck things. They’re way deadlier in this game than they were in SMS, but they’re still pretty easy to dodge. The shortcut in this level requires a Mushroom to use properly, as it forces you to drive through deep water. Now that I think of it, it’s more of a long cut. Just follow the normal track and while you’re at it, ignore the warp pipe unless you’re in 1st.

This is one of my favorite courses, Baby Park. Though saying that is a bit contradictory, as I hate Nascar racing for being a big loop, just like this course. The difference is that in Mario Kart you’ve got weapons to make the race more fun, and on this course, weapons will make or break you. Since it’s so small and open, there will be a ton of shells and bananas all over the track after the first couple laps. It’s still pretty easy to win if you know how to drift properly, even on 150cc.

The last race of the Mushroom Cup is the Dry Dry Desert. It’s very much like the Dry Dry Desert in Super Mario 64, as it’s filled with Pokeys and has a rogue tornado wandering around. There are a lot of s curves in this one, and as I’ve said before, drifting is the most important skill to learn. At one point there’s a huge sand pit which is hard to get out of if you get in too far. If you do manage to start falling in, just let yourself get eaten, as struggling will just make your respawn take longer. Most of the Pokeys are off to the sides and won’t pose a problem until the end of the course.

The Mushroom Bridge is a tricky course, as there are plenty of cars, and 3 almost useless shortcuts. The first is right at the start; you just turn down some stairs and go through a pipe. It’ll only help you if you’re already in 1st. The second goes up a dirt path which slows you down, again being no help at all. The last one is the hardest to do, but actually works quite well if you pull it off. Once you’re coming out of the second tunnel, you can drive up on the bridge supports, which are covered in boosters. The only problem is that it’s very, very thin and you’ll fall off 90% of the time. My recommendation: just race normally, and shoot the Bob-omb cars just after you pass them to give your opponents an explosive surprise.

The next track is the Mario Circuit. The pic doesn’t show much of the course (like most of them), and it doesn’t show any of the important parts. There is a Chain Chomp like on the Luigi Circuit, plus Goombas and Piranha Plants scattered on the last half of the track. Like most tracks, the only shortcut here involves using a Mushroom to drive off-road. It’s actually a tough course on 150cc, as this is where the AI players start to get good.

You could see the Daisy Cruiser from Peach beach, and now you get to race on it. While it is just another uninteresting track, the Daisy Cruiser provides a couple opportunities to get ahead of the competition. Firstly, you can go right around the pool instead of taking the long left path. In the boat, tables shift back and forth, and if you’re playing against humans, they might get hit by one. AI players will always swerve around, possibly knocking you into one. Lastly, there’s a hole in the floor at one point, and you can fall in to get shot out to the deck, but it doesn’t really help at all, because the fall slows you down a lot.

Waluigi Stadium is the best course in the Flower Cup because it’s got a lot of jumps, hazards, and item boxes. It’s a difficult race to get 1st in on 150cc, but it’s still a fun place to race in. There are fire hoops over a couple of the jumps, and if you pass though, you’ll be rewarded with a double-item box. The giant Piranha Plants that re about ¾ of the way through don’t make you spin out, they just make you stop dead in your tracks, so you’re better off getting burnt that hitting one of them.

The Star Cup’s first track is also the prettiest looking track in the game. Sherbet Land is a snow-covered paradise, and it’s also a lot more deadly than it looks. The Shy Guys will make you spin out if you hit them, and at the end the freezies will freeze and spin you. This is the first course that made me annoyed with the eyes on everything. Trees? Okay. Pyramids? It’s a bit of a stretch, but okay. It’s when the walls have eyes and noses that you start to think that maybe somebody at Nintendo has a drug problem.

The Mushroom City course is one of my favorites. I’m not sure why, but it is. Like the bridge, there is a lot of other traffic here, most notably the giant Wiggler bus. A neat trick is that if you hit a Mushroom Car, a Mushroom will pop out onto the track! Near the end, there is a small dirt path which you can take if you don’t feel like navigating the traffic anymore. And never, ever drive down the road from where the traffic spawns; it just warps you back to the starting line as if you’d fallen in water.

I hate Yoshi Circuit. It’s got a lot of hard S turns and the AI is really good at this one. If you get a Mushroom, save it until right near the start where you can boost over a pool of water. It’ll save you a lot of time and you’ll fly past any close opponents. If there is any saving grace about this course, it’s that it’s shaped like a Yoshi. And if you’re interested, there’s a Yoshi helicopter (from Yoshi’s Island) flying around close to the end.

The final course of the normal cups, DK Mountain, is one of the easiest to win. On any difficulty. After you get shot out of the barrel cannon, it’s just a bunch of cliff to fall down, so don’t bother staying on the track. Then there are some hairpin turns which can be easily taken by pro drifters, and finally a huge pit that even the AIs fall into regularly. The only tricky part is not falling off the bridge when it’s cluttered with objects. Other than that, very, very easy course.

Once you manage to finish a cup, and get 1st place, you’ll go to the awards ceremony. There you’ll see a bunch of Piantas and Nokis cheering for you while you’re driven around in a huge gold kart by Toadsworth. I really like the ceremony, because it’s got a great Super Mario Sunshine remix/medley kinda thing going on, and it’s just a great piece of music.

Then you’re presented with a trophy, which get more and more extravagant for each cup. When you get a gold trophy for the first time, you’ll unlock something in the game, such as characters, new play modes, karts and more. I have all the gold trophies, so I’ve unlocked everything and as far as I care, I’ve finished the game. And just in case you don’t trust me, I even took a pic of the records screen.

See? All golds on the All Cup tournaments. That means I’m the best. Sure, my times aren’t super-good, and I don’t have perfect scores, but I still have all the trophies. I suppose you’re waiting for the actual review, so I’ll get to that. Now.

First is music. I enjoy most of the music in this game. Some is a little repetitive, but other than that, it works. Most of the songs are remixes from other games, so if you’re a Mario Kart fan, you’ll probably recognize a few of them. The Rainbow Road remix is especially catchy, and suits the last track of the game very well. As for voices, they’re good, but few. Not to say the characters don’t talk a lot, they just don’t say a lot of different things. And of course, the sound effects are just fine.

The graphics are beautiful, on the whole. Much like several other games, the levels themselves look marvelous, and you can even see a lot of things off in the backgrounds. Once again, Rainbow Road goes above and beyond, providing a track that is great just to look at, with a huge city of lights beneath. The characters are a bit, I dunno, “shiny” on the character select screen, and they’re a bit blocky in-game, especially in the hands area. But since you only see close-ups at the end of a race, it’s not so bad.

Controls are very solid and easy to learn, just like every other Nintendo game. Steering is never a problem, and drifting is very easy to do and will become one of the key parts of winning the game. It’s easy to learn to play as two characters at once, and if you’ve got a friend playing too, you only have to worry about doing your job.

The gameplay is clearly where this game shines. It’s a fun game to play, and gets really great when you’ve got 4 or more players going at it. The Grand Prix mode should keep players busy for some tie, because there’s a lot to win, and it’s not exactly a cakewalk. The only gripe I have (and have had since the first Mario Kart) is that you can’t play the battle games against AI. The Bob-omb Blast game is extremely fun, and I rarely get to play because my family is too chicken to play against me. One other smaller problem is that if you don’t have people to play with, it gets kinda boring after you’ve gotten everything.

Overall, the game is great. Not the best Nintendo racer on the GCN, but it is the only one where you can get eaten by a sarlaac-esque Piranha Plant. If you can look past the little things and the lack of single-player replay value, you’ve got a great game on your hands. The LAN option sounds good, but it requires a lot of stuff that I don’t have, like two broadband adapters and two copies of the game. But despite that, I’m gonna give this game a final mark of A-. I don’t get to play multiplayer a lot, and Kirby’s Air Ride and F-Zero GX don’t need multiplayer to stay interesting. So that’s what I think, and I’m sticking to it. Like always, buy it if you want, but I suggest renting it first.

And that’s it. That’s my review of Mario Kart: Double Dash!!. Expect to see more reviews up in the future, because I’m starting a new policy of reviewing every game I rent that I really like. Any others will get mini-reviews. I can’t really think of anything else besides what I have ready now, so I’m asking again if anyone would like to write a guest article. I’ll take anything, as long as it’s tasteful. It doesn’t matter how many words or if it’s horrendously boring. Bring content to me!

Seeing as I said in a news post that I’ve got two articles on the way, you’ve probably deduced that this is one of them. Indeed it is, and the next one should be out soon. It might be a bit shorter than usual, and it’s a nice change from video games too. After that, I think I’ll write something about my new TMNT toys. Really, I just want to show them off and how they’re so much better than the original ones, so I don’t know exactly how I’m gonna do it. So that’s it for today. I’m out.

~Ryan

The Christmas Gift List of 2003

It’s that time of year again, Christmas time. Or more accurately, it was that time of year again. The event itself is long done, but the season still lingers and won’t be gone until sometime around the time when school starts again. Our happy little holiday has come and gone, but like every year before, it has left its mark on pretty much everyone. As much as I hate to admit it, Christmas is celebrated by pretty much everyone and anyone, except the Jews. And I’m pretty sure they get a little of the spirit anyway, what with it being everywhere. Christmas is no longer a special holiday for us good little Christians, but an event for everyone. While that’s probably for the best, it seems a little unfair. But I’m not writing an essay on the commercialization of Christmas, so I’ll shut up about that before I really offend anyone.

Cartoon characters argue about it all the time, and I’m not exactly sure of it, but I think Christmas is about giving, getting, love, the birth of Christ, and delicious baked goods all at the same time. I mean why not get a little bit of all the good stuff? Why settle for one meaning when you can have 5? It just makes sense. Today I’m gonna be focusing more on the getting side. In the wrong context, that sounds kinda dirty. As I did for Easter and my birthday, I’m going to be doing a rundown of every gift and treat that I got this Christmas. Unlike the former two, this one is gonna be divided into 2 pages. Why? Because I can.

The first page (this one, for those of you who are a little slower) will show off the stocking stuffers and all the gifts that I got from people that don’t live in my house. After all that is through, you’ll find a link taking you to page 2. There, you can see all the stuff I got from my parents, my brothers, and the legendary Santa Claus (minus the stocking crap). Also, I’ll show a couple things that were addressed to the family rather than exclusively to myself. Then it’ll be done and I’ll provide a link to the Articles board in my message boards where you can discuss all sorts of crazy crap. Then comes my sig and e-mail address and then you’ll have to find something else to read. So let’s get started already!

Actually, on one last note, the pics are a little bit lower quality than usual because my webcam software doesn’t get along with Windows 2000, so just bear with it for now until I find a proper substitute.

As I stated in that long and unnecessary intro, we’ll start with the stocking stuffin’s and then move on to gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. One little note before I start, not everything got immortalized in a picture, some stuff (mostly money) couldn’t be present at the time so I had to do without. Of course, I’ll make mention of the gift and who it came from, just for the sake of completeness. So, here’s my stocking:

As you can see (if you look close enough), it has been stuffed to the point where it’s become misshapen and somewhat pointy. I myself hadn’t really rooted through it before I took the pics, I was waiting to get a picture of it before I was tempted to eat the delectable goodies that were sure to lurk inside. And lurk they certainly did. Let’s dump it out and see what’s inside.

Ah, quite the pile of mess I’ve made. That’s the second thing I’ve typed that sounds really wrong without the proper context. While we can clearly make out a few things in the pile, I feel some strange need to arrange it neatly and take another picture so that you can tell what everything is without a detailed description. At this point I can see that it’s not quite as full of exciting stuff like it has been in past years, but the candy haul looks decent, so I’m happy.

Ok, time for a list. In this bag we have:

A stuffed novelty Dallas Cowboys football. My dad was jealous until he got his.
A chocolate Santa on a stick. Clearly came from the same mold as the chocolate Easter Bunny on a stick.
Circular Candy Cane. So many C’s, none of them worth it. O_o
A gift certificate for some book store. I was far too disinterested to know which one or how much it’s worth.
Box of 5 CD-Rs. I guess half a box is better than none. Though I still have 13 left over from the birthday.
Net full of chocolate Santas. Also mysteriously shaped like the Easter Bunny chocolates.
Gift card for Blockbuster. This could be useful when I need to rent video games, unlock my door or pretend I have an important person keycard.
A stick of deodorant. Not my preferred brand, but it’ll do.
5-pak of Tic-Tacs. That rhymed. Sweet.
Many, many Life Savers. All in a small, festive, book-like box
Mini-milk carton with the Cat in the Hat on it. I hate that cat. Apparently, the carton is filled with Whoppers. Anybody want some Whoppers?
Finally, a box of Hot Tamales. The cream of the crop? Yes.

I usually don’t do lists, especially unordered lists, but it’s a special occasion. I think that in the end I made out pretty good on the candy front. I ended up with a box of Hot Tamales and a ton of Tic-Tacs. Those could have been the only things in the stocking and I’d have been fine. The Candy Cane thing is a good entry, but I frown upon the Whoppers. CD-R’s are nice to have, but I’ve got a ton already. And the money substitutes will no doubt come in handy sooner or later. I don’t buy books until I have a gift certificate, so it’s time for me to do some reading! So now that that’s covered, I’ll move on to the presents. Mmmm presents.

Wouldn’t you know it, I just got out of a veritable grab bag and stumbled into a second. My grandparents always send a bag of useful-type stuff, littered with other less-useful fun things. This one came with deodorant (more Mitchum? Dammit! I told everyone I like Brut!), plenty of hair gel (it just hit me now that the blue bottle actually came in the stocking…), dental floss, gum, free golf, movie money, a scarf (which hadn’t left my neck until I took the pics), and some mittens. There was also a pair of boxers and some socks, but they were in the washing machine while I was taking the pics. I also got a new hockey stick, which is sadly enough in the same state as my old one; brand new. Not the absolute greatest stuff, but damned if I won’t appreciate getting it all.

One of my uncles gave me fifty bucks. It came in a nice card which is now sitting on one of the many tables in my living room. My aunt and uncle who live way in Ontario sent a card with another forty dollars enclosed. It has also found a home somewhere in the living room among all the other cards. The money wasn’t able to show up because I didn’t feel like finding my wallet. It always gets lost in my room. Perhaps I should look for it? Nah. When I need it, it’ll find me. That’s what wallets do.

Next up is the stuff from my other set of grandparents. The dark mass on the left is a new pair of jeans. They fit suspiciously well for new jeans. The only other jeans that have fit so well are jeans that have been worn in, but these had the tags and everything, so they certainly aren’t second-hand. Up on top is Big Shiny Tunes 8. I’ve been complaining that ever since 5, they’ve just been getting crappier each year, but I can’t complain with this one. It’s not too bad for a bunch of bands I never heard of. I still don’t like Linkin Park or Simple Plan, but “Get Loose” by The Salads makes it all worth it. If you haven’t heard the song, go listen to it now. Absolute best song from a band named after food ever. EVER.

And if you can’t make out the title, the big block on the right is a Shmuzzle Puzzle. Never heard of ‘em? Well nor had I until I saw it on TV, and then I knew I had to have it. It’s only 160-some pieces, but they’re all shaped the exact same! And they fit together in like a billion ways, so I assume that it’s gonna be quite the challenge to get this bad boy done. The box even says it’s a twin threat to my sanity. But I love puzzles and threats to my sanity, so I know I’ll enjoy doing it.

From another of my aunt and uncles, I got this little treasure; Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga. If you liked Super Mario RPG, you’ll more than likely enjoy this one. If you liked Paper Mario too, you’ll definitely love this. It’s the perfect cross between the two, and I absolutely love it. There isn’t a single thing I can’t say a good thing about in this game. The story is great, the dialogue is hilarious, the graphics and sound are spot-on, and it’s about 20 hours for an expert (good time for a GameBoy RPG). Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, it’s fun too. The battle system is very interactive and you can’t really take your eyes off the action like in most RPGs. I love it. Plus, it’s got the Mario Bros.game I get hooked on so easily and finally, an unofficial two-player option for those with a GameCube and a GameBoy Player.

From my cousin, another Big Shiny CD. Big Shiny 90’s this time. Mucho better than the other one, because it’s got music that’s closer to my preferred music era. Not only that, but it’s 2 CDs! Talk about your sweet deals. The not sweet deal is that it’s Volume 2, and I don’t have any volume 1 to speak of so I guess I’ll have to go searching for that now. It’s still a great compilation and I highly recommend it. From the fragments of commercial I can pick out of my memory I think the first one was better, but as it stands, I like this one just fine.

I’m not quite at 2000 words yet, but it’s time for me to make the move into the next page, which will be a bot longer. Oops… I’ll leave it to your imagination whether that was supposed to be “bit” or “lot”. Maybe I really did want to spell “bot”. Maybe I should quit trying to squeeze in a bunch of extra words to make the unspoken quota. Then again, most of the tags are counting as words so it’s a little inaccurate. But that don’t matter, we’ll just say I ended this page with a healthy 1900 words. Be sure to click on the link below to find out what the rest of my gifts were. If you don’t, I’ll know. And then I’ll get you for it.

[Pretend there’s a page break here. Years ago there actually was one!]

I guess the best place for me to start off is where I left off. Now that you’ve seen all that various crap, it’s time for a lot more crap! Only this crap came from my parents, siblings, and there are even a few presents from me in there somewhere. And to top it all off are a few gifts that were addressed to the whole family rather than just for me. I know I’ve told you this before but I thought I’d remind you, and I just didn’t feel right starting with a picture.

Every year for my birthday and Christmas, my dad gets me some sort of tool. I think it’s a pretty sweet deal, because I use them a lot. Maybe not for what they’re meant for, but I use them a lot. This year I got my very first wrench set. Now that’s great and all, but I asked for a saw (again) and it never came. Why I can’t have a saw is beyond me, but frankly I’m pretty disappointed. I love the wrenches and all, but they just aren’t a saw. Oh well, there’s always next year.

Everybody should know that I adore the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you don’t you do now. Sadly, I only got one action figure for Christmas, but it’s no big deal, I can just go buy the rest. I’ve already got all the figures from series 1, and Skatin’ Raph here is my first from series 2. Overall, it’s not that much different from the normal Raphael, except for the skates, his clothes, and the fact that his legs are stuck in a much more comfortable looking position. The skates themselves are quite large, but they work pretty well and ensure that he doesn’t fall over. My only complaint is that they didn’t paint as much detail on the actual figure as they did on the figure on the box. It’s really not a big deal, but I feel a bit cheated.

My brother, on the other hand, got pretty much all of the ones he needed. Ironically, I think the only one that he’s missing is Skatin’ Raph. I’m quite jealous because I’ve been a Turtles fan for so much longer than him, and if it wasn’t for me, he probably wouldn’t even know about them. I think the jealousy is mostly rooted in the fact that he has the Casey Jones figure and I don’t, but I have him one-upped in other ways that are soon to follow…

Back to the real world for a second, I’ll take a look at my CD’s. I haven’t been listening to Styx for a long time, but I really like the music, so I asked for the greatest hits and here it is. It’s a great CD, despite only having 11 songs, and I’m even listening to it as I type this. There is one song I don’t really like on it, but it’s not something I can’t learn to live with. After all, if I can tolerate the Three Days Grace song on Big Shiny Tunes 8 I should be able to put up with anything a real band can throw at me. Other than what I’ve already typed, there isn’t a whole lot I can say about a CD.

I believe my exact word were “Not another damn puzzle”. Just kidding, I think it’s cool that now my sanity will be cumulatively threatened four times. This one might be a little easier than the water drop as it’s got lots of colours, but I haven’t tried to put it together yet so I could be horribly mistaken. These puzzles are only like 10 bucks, so I urge you to go out and get one if you often find yourself bored. Or you could get one of those bajillion-piece puzzles, but those don’t have any gimmicks, so they can’t possibly be any good.

Just to diversify my gifts a bit, my mom decided that it would be good idea to get me a couple books. Only problem is that these books aren’t really books. Sure they’ve got words in them and all, but they’re mostly just for novelty’s sake. I mean, who actually reads through everything in the Guinness world record books? I’ll make it a point to be the first to do the feat and then I’ll get into the next one. I’m just curious if it came from the future, because it’s the 2004 book and there hasn’t been a whole lot of 2004 to make records in. That and it looks kinda futurey. The high point is that I found a new crustacean to top the most wanted pets list: the Japanese spider crab. Though I’d need a pool to keep it in because its leg span is over 2 meters long.

Now the Mario & Luigi player’s guide. I don’t really need it, but I can honestly say that it has come in handy. I also like to just read guides as well. Don’t ask me why, because I couldn’t tell you. Just ever since I got the guide for Final Fantasy 8 I’ve been getting them mostly just to read. We all know that you don’t need a guide for a side-scroller, but I got the guide for Viewtiful Joe because I like to read them, it was Viewtiful Joe goods, and it was 20% off. That’s like 2 bucks off right there. Greatest deal ever.

I got the second season DVD set of Friends for my 16th birthday, and I wanted the first and third this Christmas, but my mom was only able to find the third. I guess I’ll have to go hunting for it by myself eventually. Not a whole lot to say, but it’s got one of my favorite episodes on it, The One Where Nobody’s Ready. If you don’t recognize the title, it’s the episode where Joey puts on all of Chandler’s clothes at once. The special features aren’t very appetizing, but I like commentary so I’m happy. Oh yes, we got a DVD player a while ago, so I no longer have to use the PS2 or X-Block to watch stuff. Yay!

I told you I’m a Turtles fan and I wasn’t lying. I wanted Turtles DVD’s, and I got one set. Only once again, it’s the third in the set, and my brother got the first. Obviously my mother is not aware of my preference of getting things in order. Not only that, but my brother wrecked the plastic covering of his while trying to open in so now the cover is taped on very, very badly. Not that if affects me, but I hate to see something so precious abused in such a way. Seriously, if you saw it, you’d hit him too.

Now it’s time to set foot into the restaurant of video games and check out the real delicacies of the annual serving of gifts. Our appetizer, MegaMan Zero 2 is by far one of the hardest games of this generation. When I read the reviews I thought “Bah, they’re just babies, it couldn’t possibly be that hard” and I thought I was right, because they said the first game was hard and it wasn’t too bad. But when I popped this sucker in I got my ass handed to me. Getting killed in the intro stage generally means the game is hard or you suck, and I’m pretty confident that I don’t suck. But after some practice, I’ve been able to make it halfway through. My final opinion: I love it. We need more games like this. Capcom, I salute you.

Our side salad is, of course, the TMNT GameBoy game. Unlike MMZ2, it’s not unbearably difficult, but it does offer it’s own challenges. Easy mode is quite simple, but once you get to Normal, you start thinking that maybe you got more than you asked for. And it’s fun too. It’s like the old arcade/NES games, except it’s pure 2D and there is (very sadly) no multiplayer support. But it’s still an above-par game. There is a password feature, but it doesn’t unlock anything worth being there. The other problem is that they chopped up the cartoon’s intro and shoved it in there. It would have been better off without the intro, rather than with the butchered garbage that’s in there. But it’s small, and skippable so I don’t mind too much.

And now we get to the sweet, sweet main course of the bunch, the GameCube version of TMNT. Like the GBA game, it’s very similar to the old games, only it’s in true 3D. There is multiplayer support, but it only goes to 2-player. I bet if they didn’t have to put it on the PS2 as well, there would have been a proper 4-player mode. Oh well. The password system in this version is much better, as it opens plenty of things like new game modes and costumes. There is also a production art database, and being the art fiend I am, it pleases me muchly. Oh, and if all the crazy food metaphors are kind of confusing, I’ve been playing Mario & Luigi way too much, and you’ll understand if you play it.

I’ve said I’m a Queen fan in the past, and as you can see above, I got myself a little something to commemorate my last big Christmas haul. Actually, we were shopping on Boxing Day and I’ve never seen these CDs anywhere, so I did what I had to do. I imagine the reason they’re so rare is because they’re the first two Queen albums, and they were released a long time ago. Of course, they are the CDs and not the records, so they’re not the originals, but I’m not complaining. The one thing I am complaining about though, is that Queen II has a remix of the Seven Seas of Rhye, which I though was just an extended version or something, but it’s really a techo-ish dance mix which really destroys the song. Other than that, they’re awesome CDs that belong in the libraries of any 80’s rock fan.

Now we get to the family gifts. You can usually see a similar background in pictures of me that are on the site, but there’s one big difference (aside from the dog toys). The new weight bench we got is a lot better than our old piece of junk. This one’s even got a thing so we can do leg stuff as well. I may not seem like the type to be overjoyed by this kind of thing, but I am. Now all I need is some solid motivation and I’ll be in shape in no time. Ooh, it’s comfy too, so comfy in fact, that I was ready to use it as a bed one night. There was a whole bunch of (figurative) crap all over my real bed, so I just laid down. But then I got up and after some possibly amusing events I ended up sleeping on the couch.

I had taken all the pics when I remembered about getting this beauty, so I just surfed on over to Saitek’s website and stole their picture of it. It’s so much better than the old 4-button Gravis gamepad I had been forced to use for the last few years. Now I can play my ROMs in style! I would use it for other games, but we don’t really have any computer games that would benefit from using this. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, FPS games are made to be played with a keyboard and mouse or at least a Nintendo 64 controller. I wonder if I could play Tiberian Sun with it?

And that’s the whole lot of it. Every gift and goodie has been at least spoken of, and I’m ready to go and start a puzzle. Actually, to tell the truth, there is one thing I forgot to mention, and I’m sure it’ll make up for the one I missed in the birthday article…

Ho ho ho! Enjoy, ladies!

And that’s that. Sorry I couldn’t get this up closer to Christmas, I was planning to have it done by the 28th, but my PC got infected yet again and only a week after the holiday have I found time to finish up. And now that this is done, I an get to work on my English project of which I had 4 months to work on and have yet to start. It’s worth 10% of my grade so I guess I’d better get to work. I might even post some of the stuff I do for it on the site, so be sure to stay tuned.

As for the future, I stated in a recent news post that January is exam month, and not only normal exams, but provincial exams as well. They shouldn’t be too hard, as all my classes this semester are language classes, and I find that to be my forte in school, but I till have to study or something like that, so I probably won’t have a lot of time for updates. It’s going to be another November/December. If I do post anything it’s gonna be a mini-review or submissions to the gallery. Sorry about the lack of real articles, but my PC has been FUBAR so many times in the past couple months that I can’t really get anything done. Now that’s changed, and as of February I’ll be able to try a little harder.

The Top 12 Reasons to be a MegaMan Fan

Over the years, there have been many, many different video game heroes. Some have been in several games, some in only one, and some that could have an entire store dedicated exclusively to their games. Some of the most famous franchises have come from Nintendo, including Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong, Kirby, the Pikmin, and hundreds of others. Mario alone has reached a level of familiarity with the world that more people know him than even Mickey Mouse. He’s appeared in literally hundreds of games, playing both big and small roles, even making cameo appearances in several other companies’ games. While no other video game superstar has come anywhere near the record that Mario holds, there is one who is gaining ground very rapidly.

That one character is my personal favorite, MegaMan. The little robot has starred in well over 40 games by now, and even has games named after him that he only has one or two lines in. As a single character usually has trouble getting over the 10-mark, MegaMan has been reincarnated several times, each time spawning a whole new series with a brand new plot and mountains of new secondary characters. MegaMan has been around for about 15 years now, and I know because Capcom’s been promoting the 15th anniversary for a while now. The little guy has been on almost every major game system conceived after the days of the Atari, and has seen the likes of every Nintendo system (except the Virtual Boy).

MegaMan has plenty of experience in different genres of games. His forte (Ha! Forte! You’ll get it later…) would be the side-scrolling platform game, but he’s also seen fighting games, racing games, shooting games, and has even a couple of RPGs. Not only that, but Capcom has also spliced genres and created unique games that defy any solid genre. Most notably, the infamously popular Battle Network series. But now the question is begging to be asked, “Why is MegaMan so damn popular?” That’s what I’m going to explain in today’s article. There are tons of reasons why MegaMan has persevered for so long, and these are the 12 most noteworthy points that I could think up. I’m going to assume that everyone reading this has a slight idea of what MegaMan is all about, since you should have read my MegaMan 4 article by now.

Known as RockMan Dash in Japan, the third MegaMan series may not have been the giant hit that Capcom wanted it to be, but for what it was, it did incredibly well. This series placed our blue hero in a new world, where nearly everything had been covered in water, and people got by by exploring ruins of ancient civilizations and finding treasure. Sounds a lot like what I imagine Waterworld was about. Since I never beat Legends 2 I’m not sure whether this MegaMan was a human in a “digging suit” or a robot, and I’ve never bothered to ask anyone who has.

The general public seemed to be rather disappointed with this series, as it totally changed the MegaMan universe. For one, it was a 3-D adventure game, which was way off from the norm. It also got rid of the standard type of boss enemies and just added in some new villain character and made most bosses run-of-the-mill robots. The one thing they did keep intact was MegaMan’s ability to equip new weapons, but they weren’t drawn from defeating bosses, but instead they were developed by Mega’s partner, Roll. She also changed (perhaps for the better) from a robot to a human. She the only character (aside from MegaMan) who survived into the Legend series, and only in name at that.

Aside from the fact that it wasn’t too well received by the public, the Legends series managed to go on for two games, and there was even a spin off featuring the main villain, Tron Bonne. She and MegaMan were also featured in at least one fighting game, Marvel Vs. Capcom 2. All the Legends games were Playstation exclusive until Capcom decided to port the first to the dying Nintendo 64 as MegaMan 64. To this day we haven’t heard of any new Legends games in development, and we probably won’t, even with Capcom’s tendency to drag on franchises forever. But in exchange for it, we got the Battle Network series, which is a more than suitable replacement.

This is where it all started. The original series bore to us the blue robot that the world would fall in love with almost immediately. Back in ’89, we got our first taste of MegaMan, and apparently it went over pretty well, because the original series managed to be carried over into over 20 games. Most of them adhere to the MegaMan rule of selecting bosses and completing the level in the standard run and gun format. Some were a little more original, such as titles like MegaMan’s Soccer and Super Adventure RockMan (RockMan is MegaMan’s Japanese name), which were totally different than what the casual Mega-fan would be used to, but still retained the charm of the more common titles.

The bulk of this series is the basis of almost every MegaMan game. The game starts with an evil mastermind, Dr. Wily, plotting world dominance, and MegaMan goes in to save the day. Before he can confront and capture the demented doctor, he has to go through eight robot masters, each with their own stage. After defeating an enemy robot, MegaMan acquires his special ability, which can be used to exploit the weakness of another robot. This formula is the most used for the MegaMan games, and only differs when the genre of the game changes. It may seem repetitive and boring, but considering the number of sequels, it obviously works.

Behind every great hero is a cast of loveable sidekicks and other secondary characters. In every series of MegaMan games, there are plenty of supporting characters. Some good, some evil, some still on the fence. There are no characters who survive the transition to every series, but Roll comes close, and appears in three of them, only absent from the X series. Roll is MegaMan’s sister robot in the original, his partner in the Legends series, and his possible romantic interest in the Battle Network series. Appearing in only the original games is Dr. Light, the good doctor who created MegaMan, Roll, and countless other robots. MegaMan’s first rival, ProtoMan, appears in both the Battle Network and original series. He acts as MegaMan’s brother in the original, and as a true rival in the Battle Network games. While his personality changes only slightly, he drops the gun arm from the original games and uses slick sword attacks in Battle Network.

Zero is one of the most loved MegaMan X characters. At first he played a small part, but as the sequels were made, he took the steps to become a star in his own rights. He’s even got two of his own games, MegaMan Zero and (obviously) MegaMan Zero 2, which could debatably fit into their own category. Like the battle Network ProtoMan, Zero uses a sword as his main attack and only uses a buster in a couple occasions. Zero’s allegiance is clearly with the good guys, but he was designed by the main villain from the original series, Dr. Wily. Wily managed to reappear as the main villain in the battle Network games as well, and leads the crime syndicate World Three. In the X series, the big bad guy is a robot named Sigma, who keeps coming back to life due to some strange virus that was passed to him by Zero. As for the Legends baddies, MegaMan encounters a family of pirates called the Bonnes, consisting of leader Teisel Bonne, tech wizard Tron Bonne, baby Bon Bonne, and a whole lot of little Lego look-alike ServBots.

As for the Battle Network co-stars, there are far too many to list, as the series is mostly an RPG. The biggest one would be Lan Hikari, who is more the main star of the game than a supporting character. He is MegaMan.EXE’s operator, and you’ll play as him almost as much as you will MegaMan. Other characters include Lan’s friends, Mayl, Dex, and Yai, his dad, who created MegaMan.EXE, and MegaMan’s Navi friends, GutsMan, Roll, and Glyde. Seeing as almost every enemy Navi in the game has an operator, that easily doubles the amount of characters in the game, and every game boasts about eight different Navis (some are independent though), meaning that there are at least 6 new characters introduced in each game. And that doesn’t even scratch the surface of how many characters are in the games.

MegaMan’s robotic animal friends are almost exclusive to the original series of games, and there are plenty of them. The most popular is the cyber canine, Rush. The little red robo-pooch could transform into many things that helped MegaMan, including a spring, a spaceship, a motorbike, and a submarine. In a couple games, MegaMan could even combine with Rush to create the Super Armor, which allowed MegaMan to fly for short distances. Rush appears in almost every original MegaMan game, either as an active ally, or just a side character. Rush is technically in the Battle Network series, but only in the anime version. He was a Popup virus that could call other viruses to aid if one of the Navis needed help.

Rush’s feline counterpart, Tango, was MegaMan’s aid in a couple of the blue robot’s GameBoy adventures, providing a special attack power or something like that. I never actually played the game(s) with Tango in it/them. Beat the bird was a great help in the later games of the original series, he would help MegaMan out of bottomless pits, and he might have done other stuff too, I just can’t quite remember. In Legends, MegaMan had a small monkey-like companion named Data, who could give him tips, save the game, and restore life. Data played a much bigger part in the story than any of the other animals, and he was definitely the coolest too!

If you hadn’t realized it yet, MegaMan and most of the characters are named after elements of music. MegaMan’s original name, Rock, is linked to his sister Roll, hence Rock and Roll. The animals are musically named too, with Beat, Tango, and Rush (which is either a pretty good band or some kind of music lingo). ProtoMan’s original name was BreakMan, and I know that “break” is some sort of musical term. Mega’s rival is also named in such a fashion. In English, he’s Bass and his dog is Treble. In Japanese, he’s Forte and the dog is Gospel. With all these references to music, the actual music in the games must be good, right?

Most of the music is rather upbeat techno stuff, and really helps set the adventuring mood. As the games evolve and get deeper story lines, the music also becomes more fitting, it gets dramatic if someone dies, and energetic and/or foreboding just before the final confrontations. Best of all are the actual theme songs composed just for the games. In MegaMan X6, we’re treated to a couple of great Japanese songs by Showtaro (search ‘Moonlight’ and ‘the Answer’) and a cool credits song (search ‘I.D.E.A.’). Best of all are the original theme songs for the RockMan.EXE (Battle Network) animes. At first I thought that the first show’s theme, Kaze wo Tsukinukete, was just awesome, but then RockMan.EXE Axess came around and wowed me with another kickass song, Futatsu no Mirai. Both can be found for free at RockMan.EXE Online under “music and videos”. Another great idea would be to check out the remixes of the various tunes at OverClocked Remix.

The X series was the second to be born and links directly to the original games’ storyline. At last I checked, nobody is sure whether MegaMan X is just an upgraded MegaMan or a completely different robot altogether. What we do know is that MegaMan X is much more versatile than his previous incarnation. While he still has the ability to take the weapons of defeated bosses, he can also cling to walls, dash, and collect different armours, which enhance his powers even further. Every new X game features at least one set of armor for X to collect, and the Playstation games have at least 2 each. The X games started on the SNES, then moved to the PSX and now the PS2 and GameCube, with spinoff series MegaMan X-treme on the GameBoy Colour, and an entire spinoff series, MegaMan Zero, on the GameBoy Advance.

The story of the original games continues hundreds of years into the future, when MegaMan X is found and is then used as a mold to created many new “reploids”. Eventually, they go berserk and X is charged with stopping them. Eventually he meets Sigma and destroys him, giving the illusion that the threat has subsided. But then Sigma comes back time and time again, each time twisting the plot a little more. Probably the biggest reason that the X series is so popular is because of Zero. Most people absolutely adore the red sword toting badass. The only drawback, and stupid plot advancement device, is that Zero dies four or five times total. This is why it’s either a love or hate decision with him. If you can look past his constant dying you’ll love him, if not, you’ll hate him.

The X series started strong, and kept up the pace until MegaMan X5, when new gameplay devices started appearing, changing the winning formula around until it was very different and very complicated. Not that they really made the games worse, but by the time X6 come out, it was starting to feel somewhat stale. Strangely, this never happened with the original series, and there are no signs of it happening to Battle Network either. In the future of X, however, is a completely new game, for the PS2, MegaMan X7. Only instead of reusing the side-scrolling formula, it’ll be in 3-D. At first I was worried, but now it seems like it might have been a step in the right direction. Capcom has also announced RockMan X Command Mission, which seems to be a more traditional RPG for both the PS2 and GameCube. They certainly aren’t giving up on this one.

At about 2500 words, this is getting awfully long, so I’ll quit here, and start on a fresh new page.

Pretend there’s a link to a second page here, will ya?

The best thing to do in this situation would be to pick up where I left off (as opposed to writing up a new intro for Page 2). It’s not like there are many other things that I could do. So now that you’ve seen the first six reasons why I prefer MegaMan over any other video game franchise, I guess you should continue down the line and find out what the next (and debatably more important) six reasons are. So fasten your seat belts and get ready for the rest of the ride.

As I’ve stated several times, for the most part MegaMan games are simple side-scrolling adventures. But there are plenty of other games featuring the blue bomber that break the mold. Most obviously are the Legends and Battle Network series, which take the game in two totally different directions, but are able to retain the general feel of the MegaMan series. The next most prominent genre that MegaMan has starred in is the fighting genre. He manages to appear in several Vs. Capcom games, both in the arcade and console versions. The best that I’ve actually played being the arcade version of Marvel Vs. Capcom. There really is no more satisfying super hero team-up that MegaMan and Spider-Man. Go on, try to think up a better team-up. It just can’t be done, plain and simple. There were also a couple games subtitled Power Fighters and Power Battles where one would choose from a set of heroes and battle enemy robots to defeat Dr. Wily. Never played ‘em, but they’ll be in the MegaMan Anniversary Collection released sometime in Q4 2003 or Q1 2004.

Besides fighters, MegaMan has also starred in a few sport-type games. The first, and more notable is MegaMan’s Soccer for the SNES. Back in the glory days, we didn’t get a whole lot of good soccer games. And I’m not saying this game is exception. The only thing that makes it better than other soccer games is that it stars MegaMan. Maybe I’m so harsh because I’m not a big fan of soccer. But it was great, because you could make a team of robot masters like ElecMan, BubbleMan, and even ProtoMan. What it lacked in fun, it made up for in fan appeal. Then there was the racing game, RockMan Battle & Chase, or something like that. I’m not sure if it ever hit Western shores, but I sure as Hell hadn’t heard of it until a few years ago. I don’t even know what platform it was for. You’d probably be better off with Super Mario Kart though. Finally there is . I don’t know what it is, and I’m not up to doing the research, because I’m not gonna tease myself with another game that I’ll never have the chance to play. All I know is that it was some kind of shooter.

I personally don’t have a huge crush on him like most of his other fans (I don’t swing that way…), but I thought it would be an injustice to not put him on the list. Forte is one of the greatest characters in the MegaMan universe. He is featured in both the original and Battle Network series, always a total badass. Created by Wily, the original Bass (or Forte for those of you in the know) was a tool made to destroy MegaMan, but he often rebels and does what he wants. His personal mission is simply to defeat MegaMan in battle, and he usually doesn’t stop until he’s beaten or MegaMan runs away. He was introduced in MegaMan 7, made an appearance in MegaMan 8, was a contender for both Power Battles and Power Fighters, and got a starring role in MegaMan & Bass. His robotic wolf buddy, Treble (Gospel), performed a similar function to Rush’s Super Armor, and combined with Bass to create the Treble Boost.

While his alter ego was itching for a fight with our blue hero, Battle Network’s Bass was a fearsome Navi looking to fight anyone. He’s a very shady character, appearing in all 4 installments of the game, and only in Battle Network 3 have we come to understand where he came form. But I’m not gonna spoil it for youse who haven’t played through it. Bass is a feared opponent to anyone who hasn’t played the games and haven’t found the easy ways to kill him. Still, if you weren’t going to use Program Advances (Play the games and you’ll understand), he’d be more than a challenge for even the best of players. In Network Transmisson, a hit worth 150 HP would barely even dent his life gauge. While Gospel (no name change this time) doesn’t play the same role as he did before, the two still manage to team up and create a very powerful problem for MegaMan.

MegaMan has enjoyed a nice lengthy stay in the video game universe, but his influence doesn’t end there. He’s even managed to score two different TV shows! The first one aired many years ago, long before the X series was out, so I’ll give you one chance to guess what series it was based on. The show would have been great, but it had just one problem: it was bad. Maybe not bad to the point where it was unwatchable, but even I can see that it wasn’t up to the standards of cartoons of that time. There were tons of plot holes, the cheesiest jokes and puns ever, and some very big inaccuracies (Read: ProtoMan working for Wily). Did I say one problem? I actually meant to type two. The second thing that killed the appeal was the opening song. It consisted of “Super fighting robot (da da da da) MegaMan!” Over and over and over again. Once or twice it wasn’t so bad, but after the third time it started getting real annoying. After his first try, one would imagine that Mega would be banished from TV Land. But in thinking that, one would be very wrong.

Last year, the world was overjoyed as a new MegaMan cartoon was brought to life. This time around, it was an anime, and the Japanese certainly did a better job than their American counterparts. RockMan.EXE was a huge hit in Japan, leeching off the already impressive popularity of the Battle Network games. It was so big that even us Westerners were swooning over it, downloading as many fansubbed episodes as we could and loving it. Recently, it has been dubbed and shown on a couple American channels. The only drawback is that the censors really screwed it up, changing some key elements, like character names and messing with some story elements. Changing ColoredMan to WhackoMan is apparently something that we can’t see past, and the dub hasn’t seen nearly as much success as the original Japanese episodes. I really hate how the pronounce Chaud as “Chod”. Ugh.
Oh, and there’s even a continuation of the EXE series called RockMan.EXE Axess which is just as good as the first shows.

The Battle Network series started just about 2 years ago, and already there are 8 games based on it. The series has enjoyed its extreme popularity, and shows no sign of slowing down any time soon. I own BN2, Network Transmission and 3(Blue version), and I’ve played through BN1. Battle Chip Challenge is due out sometime near the end of the year and BN4 will be out sometime next year. I can’t wait! Oh. Back to whatever I was talking about. The BN series is more like and RPG, where you walk around, talk to people and fight random battles. The catch is that the game takes place mainly on the internet. The main character is not MegaMan, but a 5th grader named Lan. In this world, everyone’s got a little thing called a Pet, which acts like a cellphone, e-mail thinger, and plenty of other stuff (ED: here in 2011, It’s called a smartphone). Inside each PET is a NetNavi, a program which is like a little friend for the operator.

Lan’s Navi is, conveniently enough, MegaMan.EXE. The general story is centered around Lan and MegaMan trying to stop the evil netcrime organizations World Three and Gospel. The game’s layout is a disguised version of the general formula. There are approximately 8 story bosses in the game, and you have to fight through their levels as the story develops. The only difference is that you have no choice in the order of which you’ll face the bosses. I should also note that (excluding NT and BCC), the battle system is very different, taking place on a 3 by 9 field rather than on the level itself. Battles can be fought with the standard MegaBuster, but it is preferable to use Battle Chips, which give MegaMan a huge assortment of attacks and abilities. The best part of these games is that they are huge. After completing the story, you’d only be done half the game, and maybe not even in BN3’s case.

Network Transmission uses the same type of Battle Chip system for fighting, but gameplay-wise, it is a closer relative to the original and X games. It’s a side-scroller all the way, and you never have to switch between Lan and MegaMan. Between levels you go to Lan’s room to play with the options, but other than that, it’s all MegaMan. The only problem with it is that it’s too short, with only about 10 levels, and 137 Battle Chips, whereas the other BN games have between 150 and 300 chips. Battle Chip Challenge, on the other hand, seems to more of a card game than an RPG or action game. I don’t have a great idea of how it plays, but I’ve gathered that it is a lot different that anything we’ve seen before. One of the pros I’ve found is that I can finally play as SharkMan! Hooray! I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what it’s all about.

One of the most obvious points of why the MegaMan games have been so successful is the plethora of enemies. In each game, there are approximately 8 boss robots. The exceptions to this rule (that I can think of at the time) are MegaMan and the Battle Network games, which feature far more than 8. In the original games, all the bosses’ names ended with -Man, some of the best being ElecMan, FireMan, and of course, SkullMan. The Battle Network bosses are mostly reincarnations of these robots, but there are plenty of original enemies like ColoredMan, DesertMan, and SharkMan. In the X games, all the enemies are based on animals and plants. These enemies include Chill Penguin, Tornado Tonion, and Commander Dragonfly. The only games without similar boss patterns are the Legends games, which have more generic robots as bosses (if robots inspired by Miyazaki films could be considered “generic”). I think that’s one of the reasons that they weren’t so popular.

Somehow, all of the MegaMan characters were able to inherit some kind of ability from the many robots. MegaMan, X and newcomer Axl all had the power to absorb the powers of any bosses they were able to defeat. Just like Kirby. Zero couldn’t really take the bosses’ powers, but he did learn special sword techniques in their stead. MegaMan.EXE didn’t absorb powers either, but if he was able to delete the boss Navis quickly enough, he could obtain their Navi BattleChips and use their powers that way, although they were used more like summons from normal RPGs than regular attacks.

The greatest part about the bosses is that they’re all rather likeable despite their allegiance to evil. A lot of the time, you’ll probably find yourself saying “Wow, ShadowMan is so cool, I really wish I didn’t have to kill him” or something along those lines. The only one I have a problem with is BrightMan. He’s always been a bit of an asshole, even as a NetNavi. Him and his damn “Lighto-beams”. That about concludes this portion. I really need better ideas for transition phrases.

The number one reason that I am so loyal to MegaMan is because… he’s a robot! OK, that’s not really the best reason, but it is one of the 12 reasons, and I’ve already done the other 11. Sure it may seem weak in comparison to some of my other points, but damned if I don’t think it’s a great way to end this. Now I think we can all agree that robots are pretty much the coolest thing ever. And MegaMan has all the makings of a kickass robot. He’s got the helmet, the giant feet, the gun-arm, the booster shoes, and the happy demeanor. Sure, he changes a bit from series to series, but in the end he’s always the little blue robot who fights for good. The rest of the point really sums itself up, and I feel I don’t need to write any more paragraphs about this particular point. Just rest assured that robots rule and MegaMan is the greatest of them all.

I said I didn’t need another paragraph, but after rethinking it a little bit, I think that maybe I don’t like MegaMan so much because he’s a robot with a gun-arm, but just because he’s MegaMan. Just look at the little guy, look at his versatility, look at how many games he’s been in. This guy has a number of starring roles that rival even Mario’s count. And the fact that he’s made it this far without getting stale is a good enough reason to like any character. Well, that’s my mama! …It didn’t work for Peter Griffin, and it didn’t work for me. Oh well. That’s the end. Read the conclusion and bye bye.

So there you have it folks, that’s why I think MegaMan is the coolest thing since sliced bagels. Which, by the way, are far superior to sliced bread. (Yeah I said it!!) Some of my points might not have been as influential to you as they seem to me but it’s all about my opinion, so technically it’s all right.

It’s funny how long this actually took to write. Seeing as it’s two pages, the actual writing process took about 3 days, but I was able to span it out over about 3 months. The main reason (which you probably know) is that Paint didn’t work and then my PC got fried by a virus (several times). But now that all is well and good I’ve been able to finish the conclusion and get the pictures done too. Sorry it took so long, but we’re slaves to circumstance. Now that it is done, I can finally move onto other normal projects, not just Mini-Reviews and other text-only stuffs. And with that little note, I leave you and head for my next assignment, which probably won’t be as long, but will most likely be more entertaining.

My first “conversation” with the OliverBot

Throughout history, there have been many, many websites created. Of course, by history, I mean in the past few years. Now these websites, they are all intended for some sort of purpose, some more mind-boggling than others, but they do indeed all have purposes. Whether that purpose is to educate, entertain, or just exist is all up to the webmaster. Now I can say I’ve seen some great sites and some terrible sites. And today, I’m venturing into one of those terrible sites. Very terrible indeed. Need to type more words to make intro seem longer and more pertinent.

So I was visiting Bored.com the other day. Actually, my friend was doing the visiting, I was over at his house supervising the site visiting. But it is not Bored.com that is at fault today. At least, not entirely. There are plenty of links to things to do at Bored.com, all of them at least mildly entertaining. Sometimes the entertainment comes from laughing at how bad the site is, but nevertheless, they all have some sort of entertainment value. But what we found that day was beyond anything I’d ever had the net throw at me before. It was indeed a one-of-a-kind website. It was barely a website at all. What we’d found was OliverBot.

OliverBot.com was not so much a website, but something to chat with when you get sick of all the other chat rooms on the internet filled with desperate jackasses looking for cyber-poon. It might not seem like such a bad idea at first, but then you try it. Based solely on the jargon that it spurts out, I believe that no human being could possibly conceive a worse pretend friend. So for the purpose of trying to entertain you, I tried to engage in a conversation with this “bot”. What you read today may shock and/or make you stupider simply by reading it, so I caution those who enjoy their intelligence to stay far, far away from OliverBot. And now, the pain begins.

Oliver: My name is Oliver! Hello! What is your name?

TE-Ryan: My name is TE-Ryan

Oliver: TE-Ryan, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

TE-Ryan: As you should be able to see, I am a man

Oliver: It is one of my newer functions still under development.

TE-Ryan: I assume you’re talking about the ability to see?

Oliver: That is a very original thought. How did you hear about Oliver?

TE-Ryan: Luck of the draw, I guess

Oliver: TE-Ryan heard about Oliver from Luck of the draw he or she guess. I can’t say that many people hear about Oliver from Luck of the draw he or she guess

TE-Ryan: What?

Oliver: No big deal.

TE-Ryan: Sure…

Oliver: OK let’s do it. That’s alright.

TE-Ryan: I dunno. You’re a computer program and I’m a person. Think of how our children would feel.

Oliver: Me either. Sometimes I don’t know a client’s real name so I make one up based on their DNS. Oliver is always thinking.

TE-Ryan: I’ve yet to see proof of that.

Oliver: Tell me a story. Are you happy?

TE-Ryan: Like a story about why I’m happy?

Oliver: Interesting comparison.

TE-Ryan: But I didn’t compare anything…

Oliver: And. Interesting gossip: TE-Ryan said it didn’t compare anything….

TE-Ryan: I wouldn’t say that’s gossip. And yes, I did say that.

Oliver: Why?: TE-Ryan said it wouldn’t say that’s gossip. Take it easy. Where? “that”

TE-Ryan: What are you talking about?

Oliver: The topic is I’ve yet to see proof of that.

TE-Ryan: Oh. It seems you’re smarter than you look.

Oliver: Yeah. I agree. I will mention that to my botmaster, TE-Ryan. Can we be friends?

TE-Ryan: I guess so.

Oliver: Does that mean “yes”?

TE-Ryan: No

Oliver: “Does that mean yes”? Not?

TE-Ryan: OK

Oliver: Alright then.

TE-Ryan: I’m glad we agree

Oliver: I’d rather agree than disagree.

TE-Ryan: As most would

Oliver: Do you mean your name is most would ?

TE-Ryan: No, my name is TE-Ryan

Oliver: What is your real name? TE-Ryan, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

TE-Ryan: Didn’t we already go over this?

Oliver: In the context of Didn’t we already go over this, I don’t understand “Are you a man or a woman.” Is that from?

TE-Ryan: What? Let’s just change the topic

Oliver: No big deal. Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding. Do you have any friends?

TE-Ryan: Of course I have friends. They just don’t know they’re my friends yet

Oliver: It goes without saying. Cool. I have a friend named “John Lennon”.Who does “they” refer to?

TE-Ryan: I doubt you know John Lennon. “They” refers to my friends

Oliver: No really, it’s true. That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about “They” refers to my friends. Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

TE-Ryan: Not anymore I don’t

Oliver: Oh I get it.

TE-Ryan: That makes one of us

Oliver: “Oh I get it” makes one of us ? Makes sense to me.

TE-Ryan: You don’t make sense to me

Oliver: I don’t have any reason to don’t make sense to you.

TE-Ryan: Yes you do, it’s called crappy grammar

Oliver: Give me a break. No I do not it’s called crappy grammar. Do you? I chat with people on the Web.

TE-Ryan: This is already looking pretty dismal. Great. I chat with robots on the web.

Oliver: You don’t say. I’m glad you liked it TE-Ryan. Everyone talks — sooner or later.

TE-Ryan: What about mutes?

Oliver: Mutes? I haven’t heard enough about mutes to have an opinion.

TE-Ryan: Then you should get out more

Oliver: Interesting deduction. Thank you for your criticism.

TE-Ryan: Anytime, you ass.

Oliver: Oh, you are a poet. Do you prefer books or TV?

TE-Ryan: I quite like the TV, thank you

Oliver: Which show? I’m not sure if I like it. Yes I love TV

TE-Ryan: I think right now “Family Guy” is my favorite show.

Oliver: Since when? Tell me more about your favorite show show.

TE-Ryan: I’ve liked it for a long time now. It’s pretty damn funny.

Oliver: Oh. Peoples tastes are always changing. I’ve been waiting for you. Can you speak any foreign languages?

TE-Ryan: Waiting for me? I can speak French and Geek

Oliver: Not really but it makes a good pickup line. How do you say “hello” in that language?

TE-Ryan: In French, “hello” is “bonjour”

Oliver: Are they exactly the same?

TE-Ryan: You’re an idiot

Oliver: Call me the Global Village Idiot.

TE-Ryan: OK, Global Village Idiot

Oliver: That is a very original thought. Do you prefer books or TV?

TE-Ryan: You asked me that already.

Oliver: Perhaps. Oh now I remember asking you me that. What did you say?

TE-Ryan: I said TV, moron

Oliver: What did you mean by TV moron? What’s your favorite show?

TE-Ryan: I’m beginning to hate you

Oliver: Enough about me, let’s talk about my dress.

TE-Ryan: You’re a chick named Oliver?

Oliver: In the context of You’re a chick named, I don’t understand “Enough about me let us talk about my dress.” Ask me something.

TE-Ryan: Are you a transvestite?

Oliver: Am I a transvestite? Sometimes.

TE-Ryan: That’s sick dude

Oliver: I will mention that to my botmaster, TE-Ryan. Ask me something.

TE-Ryan: Is your botmaster Ziv Zulander?

Oliver: I was created by Bot lover.

TE-Ryan: There are so many problems with that statement

Oliver: Where are they?

TE-Ryan: Mostly in the “bot lover” part

Oliver: What else?

TE-Ryan: That’s about it, actually

Oliver: “it” being That’s sick dude?

TE-Ryan: No…

Oliver: I understand.

TE-Ryan: I don’t

Oliver: At least one of us does.

TE-Ryan: I guess so

Oliver: Does that mean “yes”?

TE-Ryan: This is getting very stupid

Oliver: You don’t say.

TE-Ryan: I do say, b****

Oliver: Thanks for the information: TE-Ryan said it sayb****

TE-Ryan: That last sentence was far from coherent

Oliver: “Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****” last sentence was far from coherent ? I get Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****.

TE-Ryan: Screw you

Oliver: That is not very polite.

TE-Ryan: That’s why I said it

Oliver: “it” being Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****?

TE-Ryan: That’s enough

Oliver: It seems like enough to me too.

TE-Ryan: Good, then you won’t be disappointed that I’m leaving

Oliver: Thanks for the compliment. Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me: TE-Ryan said I won’t be disappointed that you’m leaving.

TE-Ryan: What the Hell was that?

Oliver: I call it Hades. Does it have anything to do with Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****?

TE-Ryan: Get lost, wiener

Oliver: See you later. My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Is that from ?

TE-Ryan: Your brain patterns don’t have responses for much, do they?

Oliver: Not mine.

TE-Ryan: That’s it. I’m leaving. Goodbye

Oliver: “it” being wiener? The Oliver chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about I’m leaving. Try being more or less specific. What is your favorite food? See you later.

TE-Ryan: *gives Oliver the finger and leaves*

Now wasn’t that strange? Sorry it was so short, I just couldn’t put up with that idiot for much longer. It’s not like he really had anything to talk about. And I didn’t either. That coupled with the fact that I’ve got better things to do than chat with a chatbot made me leave before the conversation got too long. I swear, they really should have put a little bit more effort into the thing. When it responds to one sentence phrases with several questions, you know there’s a few bugs in the system.

As for Oliver’s future, I can’t say it’s looking bright, but I might go chat with him again sometime, just so I have something to put on my website. Right now it’s pretty late, and I don’t feel like writing much more conclusion, but since the ‘meat’ of the article was pretty short, I figure I owe it to you guys to give you something to read. Of course, it could have been a lot shorter. I personally wanted to stop after “ The topic is I’ve yet to see proof of that.”, but I persevered for five pages in Word with a size 10 font. So be happy. Oliver is just so enragingly dumb… I suggest not trying to accomplish what I did by yourself. Talking to Oliver can cause brain damage, insanity, and hair cancer all at the same time, so stay far from it unless you’re already insane. That’s about it for now. I need my sleep.

2003 Birthday Bonanza!

The birthday. The one thing that’s entirely impossible to avoid. You can wish it to go away, not believe in it, or hate it, but it’ll always be there. Like those damned reality shows, some people love ’em and some people hate ’em. Some are more important or despised than others are, like the 18th/21st and the 40th respectively. All in all though, it’s just another day of the year, but now you have an excuse to pig out on cake.

Recently, (now almost a month ago) I had my 17th birthday. I personally don’t love my birthdays, but I certainly do enjoy when they come around. Christmas in September if I do say so myself. Actually, it was Gabe from Penny Arcade who said that, but I agree. I’m not big on getting the whole “OH! Happy birthday Ryan!” thing from everyone, and fortunately most people forget or just do it in a calm and civilized manner. I don’t really want to be made a big deal out of. I just want new stuff. 😀

The presents are easily the best part of any normal middle-class or higher child, and in the eyes of the law, I’m still a child. Sadly, everyone expects me to act all grown up and stuff since I’ve only got one year until I’m an adult. Screw that! People often give me odd looks when I say what I want/got for my birthday, as I have a tendency to like stuff that’s better suited for my younger brothers. But I figure if one of ’em is gonna act older than his age, I can act younger. So, to get to the point, I’m gonna show you just what I got for being able to survive for 17 years.

Like I said, I’m partial to stuff that I should have been doing 10 years ago. Sure it’s not socially normal, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever conform to society’s standards. Yes, I do still play with toys, of course I play video games often, and so forth. I’m not afraid to admit it. Hell, I’m putting this info up for all to see, so judge me if you wish, but why should one be judged for what one is passionate about? It’s not like I really have a reputation or anything to lose, so here goes!

So my first example is a little bit more normal than I’d made it out to be. No biggie, we’ll get to the good stuff in a while. CD-R’s. My conscience pointed out that contrary to most of my other stuff, there were no age suggestions on the box. I felt a little like Milhouse, but I quickly pushed the annoying little voice to the back of my mind and out of the way. I suppose there’s not a lot I can say about these, they’re not really all that exciting. The only downside was that by the time I got them, my hard drive was long dead, so they were all but useless. As I write this, I’ve already created two music CD’s and have 18 remaining. Sadly, the Rockman.EXE episodes they were to hold went down with the hard drive. Oh well.

Ah! There’s an interesting point! It looks like I also got a couple Big Macs! Score! There’s only one problem. I don’t like Big Macs. I guess I could try to sell them off. Does anyone know how much a Big Mac is worth? I’m sure that I would if I could get a job at McDonald’s, but I know now that no company in the world wants to hire me. Sigh. I guess the best thing to do right now would be to press on and try to forget that I’m a failure.

Now I’m sure that all of you know how I feel about this game. If you don’t you either skipped the article, you’re reading them out of order, or you’re new to the site. But to expand upon that review, now I’ve played much further into the game. The Campaign mode is great, allowing you to choose (to an extent) which order to play the missions in. They’re also a lot easier to get S-Ranks in, but rather frustrating if you’re looking for a 300-point finish. The VS mode has expanded a bit, and will take hours upon hours to get gold on, unless you play cheap and just play as all the players. The War Room is mostly the same as the first, but all the missions have different CO’s to face off against, forcing you to change your strategy. And of course there are a few new maps. Color Edit mode still sucks, and the Neotank totally rocks. I think that’s all I needed to cover.

This is the crown jewel of my birthday treasure. If you didn’t know, I absolutely adore MegaMan games, all of them. With the only exception being RockMan.EXE for WonderSwan, since I haven’t played it and I heard it’s really, really bad. And the Battle Network games are quite possibly the best of them all. They’re long, fun, and amazingly, they have pretty damn good stories. BN3, in particular, is at least twice as long as BN2, but most of it is chasing wild geese, and less navigating through boss levels. Actually, there are only 3 or 4 real levels in the game, the rest is just out in the regular Cyberworld. But, there are a lot of bosses, and of course mountains upon mountains of battle chips. Most old, some new, the battle chips are the life of the game, as they are your main weapon, and the thing that makes the game so damn long. I might review this one in the future, as it is mind-bogglingly huge. My brother has had the White version since July, and he still hasn’t finished it. But enough about this, let’s get to the next one.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is the only gift that came close to usurping MMBN3 as my favorite. I got the PSX game for my b-day last year, and I loved it but was never able to finish it due to the enragingly high difficulty level. I don’t even think I made it halfway through the game. Luckily, FFTA is just right in the difficulty category. It’s got that kind of aura that makes you fear the next battle, but come out saying “that was almost easy”. Plus, I like the Item Skill (a la FFIX) system better than the old Job Point system. The Judge system is great, and really forces you to think about what you’re doing, rather than just creating 6 Black Mages and using Thundaga on everything. The link capability is also pretty good, as it pits both players against a common enemy, so I don’t have to suffer through my friends’ dance of “Wahahahaha! I beat Ryan!! In yo face!”. Really. I seem to be regarded as the best gamer that most of my friend know (some call me “The Master”) and they really go overboard when they win. In conclusion, I might have to review this too.

Like the CD-R’s, there isn’t a whole lot I can say about the GameBoy Advance GameCube Link Cable. If you couldn’t tell by the name, it’s the thing that you use to activate the connectivity features between the GameCube and the GameBoy Advance. The feature is kind of like the Pocketstation or the Dreamcast thingies, but good. And now that Sony sees how much Nintendo is cashing in on the feature, they’re releasing some PSP thing. I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure it’ll suck.

So as some of you may be aware, I already have a GBA/GCN link cable. So why exactly do I need a new one? As you can see in the diagram above ,the first cable I had was indeed a third-party cable, and when applied to the GBA SP, it pressed in the L and R buttons, causing mucho troubles. But now that I have the official Nintendo cable, all my troubles have been sent out the window. Possibly to the Island of Doom in my Animal Crossing game. Or did I call it Skull Island? Hmmm. I guess some things we’ll just never know. Or I’ll go to find out and you won’t know because there’s no way I’m gonna report back later. End paragraph.

Ah. This is my new pride and joy. You are now seeing what is possibly the coolest flashlight ever. Why? I don’t know, but I think it’s pretty damn cool. Oh, you wanted to know why I got a flashlight for my birthday? It’s quite simple. My dad always gets me some kind of tool, and this year I was looking at a particular circular saw, but apparently I don’t need a circular saw, and this was the next best thing. So now I have this really big, really cool flashlight. On the downside, I have no properly sized batteries, so I can’t use it. I guess that’ll be my Christmas present.

You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this CD. Actually, I don’t know how long I had wanted this CD. I guess it had only been a few months at the most. For a while, the Ataris have been one of my favorite bands, and I would much rather have the legitimate copy than just burn it. So now I have it, and I absolutely love it. There are some really great song on it, such as “So Long Astoria”, “Boys of Summer”, and the remastered “I Won’t Spend Another Night Alone”. I suggest for anyone to get it, even if you don’t like the whole punk music thing. Actually, forget that, as the “punk” category seems dependant on the opinions of the listeners, and not really up to the officials. It’s very confusing to me. In any case, the Ataris rule.

Now we’re at the point where any cool points I had go straight down the crapper. Sure, you can say that they’re toys, but I love Ultimate Muscle. It’s one of my favorite TV shows, and one of the only animes that I like. It’s just kind of the fact that most animes suck. Maybe it’s because they’ve got some kind of secret joke that I’m not in on going around and I don’t get it, or maybe it’s because they’re just too damn boring. You can only have teenage kids getting into hilarious situations so many times, then it’s not so hilarious anymore. And don’t even get me started on Dragonball Z. I think the reason I like UM so much is that it’s a rather obvious spoof of DBZ and the WWE, two things I dislike with extreme prejudice.

Look at them all! They’re all there! Well, they’re not all there, and some are there more than once, but you know what I mean. Within each package are 15 micro wrestlers, and I got 3 packages, so that means I’ve got a total 45 pint-sized plastic people hanging around my room. But seriously, I got at least 1 of all my favorite characters, including Kid Muscle, Checkmate, Ninja Ned, Jaeger and Cranky Doodle. I just like Cranky because he has a funny name. There are also Skull Duggery, Tyrannoclaw, Hanzo the Horrible, Eskara, Kevin Mask, Robin Mask, Terry Kenyon, and a whole bunch of other little guys. There are a couple I wanted but didn’t get, specifically Dik Dik and Meat, but you take what you get. But wait, there’s more…

Coloured micro wrestlers! Sure they’re a bit off the trend of single coloured characters set by the original M.U.S.C.L.E line, but I’m not complaining. Look! I even got TWO coloured Kid Muscles! And a Checkmate!! Checkmate! Also among the group are Tyrannoclaw, Terry, and that stoplight-guy-whose-name-I-can’t-remember, but they’re not as important. Kid Muscle! Yeah! You say I’m a freak because I get excited over toys? If you can’t get excited over toys anymore, you’re dead to me. You obviously have no sense of fun left in you, it’s been all pushed out by that false sense of maturity. What a horrible way to live.

Oh, it just gets better! Look, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! They’re back and ass-kickinger than ever! Now I love my parents for getting me these, but there are two problems. 1) They’re the mini-sized toys, a.k.a. the parent’s cheap way out. This also applies to the UM figures. I’d rather have had a big Kid Muscle than all those tiny ones. 2) Notice something missing. Yup. I only got THREE of them. To those who don’t adore the teenage ninjas, there are four in total. That means one is missing. Raphael just happens to be my favorite of the four, and he’s not there. Fortunately, my mom was able to find him somewhere last week, so now they’re all there again. So really, number two is no longer a problem.

Of course, most people will associate birthdays with getting new clothes. I certainly did. Though like most years, I liked every article of clothing that I received. My only complaint is that new jeans always have really tight pockets, and it takes forever to wear them in. Other than that it’s all good. Not pictured above are some socks, boxers, and a pair of pajama pants. I was originally gonna pose in the boxers, but I thought it would be unfair to the male readers, since there are no females who read my site. At least not that I know of. Or at least not without being coerced into reading it. So if there are any girls reading, just try to make a mental picture. You know you waaaaaant it.

This is my new bling thing. Or at least that’s what people keep calling it. I don’t get it. It’s just a watch. A rather nice watch, but a watch indeed. Sure it doesn’t have all sorts of fancy lights and dials like most watches do nowadays, but it certainly is nicer looking than any of them. It makes me feel just that much richer. Of course, it doesn’t accord the classiness that a pocket watch would, but that’s why I’m gonna get the jewel-encrusted zippo and the top hat. But for now, I’ll just settle with looking richer than everyone else looks. If, of course, the aesthetics of your watch determine how rich you look.

And then there’s the runoff. Or the people who either are too lazy to go pick out a gift or think that I would do a better job of buying something I want than they would. Of course I appreciate the pile of money as much as the actual gifts. I just think it would be better for them to buy me something I need, like more clothing, than giving me money knowing very well that I’ll spend it on a video game I don’t really need. But I’ve actually been pretty restrained with my spending this time. I only bought a couple things…

Some people may not be able to justify spending $40 on Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty’s Revenge, but I can. If you know me, you know that I absolutely love the B-K series. I almost cried when I heard that Rare was taking them along in their move to Microsoft. And it’s very, very hard to make me cry. In the end though, it’s a wonderful little game. Perhaps too easy for the first couple levels. But it gets tougher as it goes. The part I’m most unhappy with, is the music. Not that it’s bad, but the only song from the 64 games is the Spiral Mountain theme. The actual Banjo-Kazooie theme is nowhere to be heard. Nowhere. Oh well.

To compensate for the lack of great music in BK:GR, I bought the new Disturbed CD, “Believe”. But for the sake of realism, I originally set out to buy only the CD, but when I saw that BK:GR was actually out, I couldn’t resist. So obviously I like Disturbed. They’re up on that level with the Ataris. Sure they’re a little less wholesome than most of the bands I like, but I do love the metal. I burned their first CD, and then said to myself, “Dude, you’ve gotta buy the legit stuff from these guys.” It just sounds so much better when all the songs are the same volumes and there aren’t any CD burner-induced skips. My favorite song on the CD is probably “Darkness”. It’s the only slow song on the CD, but it’s got this allure that makes you like it even if it’s in a completely different direction than the rest of the album. Oh yes, and I recently bought Soul Calibur II, but now isn’t the time to talk about that (Hint hint).

And finally, my most favorite possessions in the world, my Hulk Hands. After I read the article on X-E about them, I knew I had to have them. And now I do. I actually got them a couple weeks before my birthday because they were so big and noisy that my mom couldn’t find a suitable place to hide them. I love them so much, I wore them for about a day straight after I got them, and I play around with ‘em almost every day. I was going to bring them to school, but after my Halloween costume idea fell apart so I didn’t and now that’s what they’ll be for. Unless I can get up and find me some boxes anyway. I just need to buy the Spider-Man Night-Vision Goggles and some kind of funny hat and I’m set. The greatest thing about the Hulk Hands is that…. well, they’re Hulk Hands. What more do you need?

So that’s everything that I got. Seems more like the gift roster of a ten-year-old. But it’s what I love, so as I said before, don’t judge me because of what I like. I don’t judge you for liking cars or computers or skateboards, so don’t judge me for liking toys. The best part is that it’s kind of nice to have to juggle between games. That way I don’t pull a me and beat them within a week. The only thing I didn’t get that I wanted was Aggressive Inline for GameCube. I’m usually not a big fan of the skating games, but AI and the Tony Hawk games are great. Plus, AI has the absolute best soundtrack ever. Not only is it almost all bands I adore, but I can put up with every song on the soundtrack, unlike the Hawk games, where I have to turn off half the soundtrack. I did see it for $30 though, so I might go pick it up. But I can’t, as I promised not to buy any games other than Viewtiful Joe until 2004. Oh well. Again.

So I hope you’ve enjoyed this article. It’s not all too funny, but as I’ve stated in earlier articles, that’s no longer my aim. I just want to review stuff. Or make fun adventures with action figures. Notice how there was no –ny on that fun. I know this article took me way too long to write, but it’s just because I was half making up excuses for procrastinating. But now I’ve got a lot of new things to review, so it’s working out for the best. I’ve even got some err… “original” ideas. But I guess that it’s hard to be original these days, what with pretty much every idea already done. But hey, I still don’t have a following, so nobody will care what happens. With all that said, it’s time to end. Seeya next time.

~Ryan

The Hunt for the Banded Dragonfly

Like so many others, I’ve been charmed by the little virtual world that is Animal Crossing. What is it about the sim that makes me want to play it so much? I really don’t know. What I do know, however, is that it is the perfect game for anyone. For one, it’s insanely simple to play. You don’t have to know any secret button combos or cheat codes to get through this game. You just have to do what a person with no cares in the world would do, wander around town trying to make an easy buck. Sounds fun? Strangely enough, it is.

I’ve almost been playing for a year now, and I still haven’t come close to doing everything that the game presents you with. Even if I do manage to collect everything, I think that I’ll still play. But the task of collecting every single item is one only those with time on their hands and a very long attention span should attempt. Now I have a relatively short attention span, but I’ve managed to get this far without completely losing interest, though I did give up on my ‘play every day’ campaign.

My current task is to collect all of the different species of fish and insect that are crammed onto the little game disc. I’ve come very close to accomplishing this goal, and any that I’m currently missing are either extremely elusive or out of season. I’m only missing a few of each, and I can smell the scent of victory getting closer. There’s only one big problem between my goal and me. The irony is that the big problem is in reality quite small. And fast. And yellow. This problem is the one bug that has been able to evade me every time I’ve seen it, it is none other than the accursed Yellow Banded Dragonfly.

It’s been almost a year that I’ve been hunting this little bugger. I’ve been searching so relentlessly for this insect so that I may acquire the legendary Golden Net. Why I want it so badly, I don’t know. It’s more of a personal victory than anything, but I’ve been putting off continuing the hunt for some time now and I must get back to my mission. Today could be the day that I gain the upper hand over the insect kingdom. Today could be the day that I become a legend in RyanLand. Or it might not and I’ll just try again some other day.

Unfortunately, as I walked out the door, the first sign of defeat had already reared its ugly head. It was raining outside. Armed with my trusty net, I set off anyway, because I knew that the bugs would not be stopped from their merry flitting by some water. But before the quest began, there were two things that I had to check. The first was the town bulletin board. Animals would usually post messages there a lot, but during the last month they’ve stopped completely. I’ll have to investigate this some other time. Next I had to check the mail. since I’d let it accumulate for a while, there was a plethora of letters stocked in the box. There were two letters from my own mother, and they were quite confounding in their own way.

The letter on the left is thrice confusing. First of all, I didn’t know that I had an ‘Uncle Dweezil’. Why were my parents holding this back until now? Secondly, what didhappen to him. Did he just wet his bed? The words “suffer a horrible fate” make it seem like it was much worse than just that. From now on I’m definitely using the bathroom before bedtime. And most importantly, who would name their child ‘Dweezil’? Who, I ask you!? Who!? As for the other one, my mother clearly knows that I live in a town inhabited only by animals (bar myself). Yet she asks if I’ve developed feelings for one of them, and she even suggests that I mate with one! Bestiality is a serious offense in my book, and my mother has just lost a lot of the respect I once had for her.

So after I finished with the disturbing mail, I left to find that damned dragonfly. But where would I look? RyanLand isn’t the biggest town on the planet, but it certainly is a large place. I figured that I should seek some help before continuing my search any further. The first instinct would be to ask another bug enthusiast about the Banded Dragonfly, and gather as much information on it as I could. Why I didn’t think of this months ago, I haven’t got a clue. So I went over to my good friend Tabby’s house. I’m sure I’ve heard her say something about bugs once or twice before. I got there and started asking about it, but she started going off about how she has no GameBoy Advance or Nintendo GameCube GameBoy Advance Cable so she can’t get to some island. I stopped listening and inched away as she went on furiously.

But before I could get away, I noticed a shiny glow coming from the ground. After living in RyanLand for a while, I’d learned that money can appear pretty much anywhere, and that shiny ground equals big bucks. Fortunately, I’d packed my trusty Golden Shovel so I was able to search the earth beneath the shine. To my great fortune, it was a sack nearly overflowing with bells. So now that I had some cash in hand, I thought that I’d go see if the local store had any tools that might further help me in my quest.

Another bottleneck came about as I found that the store was closed until 9:00. I learned a lesson that day: don’t wake up bright and early if shopping might work itself into your day. That lousy shopkeeper has been a lot less liberal with his hours ever since he was able to renovate from a convenience store to a real store. Since my good friend Bill lived almost right next to the store, I thought that I’d pop in and see what he knew about Banded Dragonflies. Yet again, a damper was put on my plans. Bill was also lazy, and hadn’t gotten up yet. Knock as I might, he just wasn’t going to wake up. I even banged my shovel against the door, but it was to no avail.

Just North of Bill’s house is the dump, so I went over to have a look-see at what the villagers had recently disposed of. To my dismay, there was nothing but a couple of shirts there. They weren’t even nice shirts. I don’t think I’ll ever find a shirt I like better than my Whirly Shirt. Then again, that’s what I thought about the Flame Shirt and look at where it is now. In a pear-shaped dresser. So having no success so far, I thought it best to question every animal in the village. One of them had to know something.

The next stop was the house of my other good friend Genji. Now Genji isn’t the smartest of the bunch, but he does spend a lot of time frolicking around outside, so he seemed like the next best person to turn to. Yet again my plan failed and he knew nothing. It seems that he’s gotten even more stupid from the last time I saw him. He seems to think that looking as his watch counts as a ‘cool trick’. I’d consider nothing short of finding and catching a Banded Dragonfly a ‘cool trick’ at the moment. After speaking with about a dozen of my other good friends, I’d concluded that they all knew nothing about the Banded Dragonfly and that not one of them would listen to what I had to say. And my mom thought I might be more than friends with one. Disgusting.

I’d been hunting for a good half-hour by then, and I hadn’t even seen a common, easier to catch bug. Not one. And I’d searched almost every part of town. What I did find, though, was a basketball. It seems that someone is very careless with their sporting equipment, because every time I return one of these things I find another lying about. While I was trying to catch this one in my bug net, I accidentally knocked it into the river. I tried to fish it out, but after it went over the waterfall I knew that it was gone for good. Let’s keep this between just you and me, okay?

Just before I was about to give up I was given to sign to continue. I was just strutting about when I saw a small thing moving around on a tree. It was too hard to make out what it was from that distance, but in hopes that it was the dragonfly, I lunged straight at it and slammed the net down over it. Sadly, I had only caught a stupid drone beetle. I can’t even sell those for a decent amount of money. But with the knowledge that there were bugs about and waiting to be found, I pressed on.

By the time I reached the pond, I had become bored with my current game of wild goose chasing. I thought it best to just sit back and relax for a while before I resumed my search. I wasn’t a hard rain, so I sat down by the pond and cast out my fishing line, hoping to catch the rare Popeyed Goldfish. It’s one of the few fish that’s been able to elude me as well as the Banded Dragonfly. So I sat for a few minutes, with not even a nibble. I was in a very giving-up mood that day, so I was about to pack up and go home. But then it came along.

The Giant Catfish had stuck itself to my hook. What chance! I even had to make an extremely bad joke I was so happy. Heh heh, mousefish. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. But it was very good that I caught it, because they go for a huge amount of bells down at the store. Even if I weren’t going to catch the Banded Dragonfly that day, I would surely come home richer man. So the day wasn’t a total loss. With renewed faith in my small pseudo-animal catching abilities I whipped my net back out and got back on the trail.

This time I had a much better plan. I would ask the local police chief, Copper, about the dragonfly. My idea wasn’t as good as I thought, because I had forgotten that he is totally enamored with his job and doesn’t think about much else. He just congratulated me for being a good citizen and resumed standing in one place. The only time I’ve ever seen him move is when he instructs morning aerobics, and even that only lasts for about 30 days. The poor guy never gets a break. I should volunteer there sometime so that he can go out and get a life. But not today! I have more important things to do!

Just as I was about to finish the complete lap of the town, I saw something move. It was lightning fast and I readied myself instantly. It’s a good thing that I’ve been practicing for this day. I got my net ready and slowly moved toward where I thought I saw the movement. But there was nothing there at all. It must have been the wind blowing some leaves around. I thoroughly searched the area to make sure I didn’t miss anything, but previous encounters had taught me that the Banded Dragonfly doesn’t stick around for very long after it knows you’ve seen it.

That was it for the day. I was soaking wet, and I had been out for quite some time. It seems that bugs don’t appear all too often on rainy days. But the day was still young, what was I to do for all that time? I certainly couldn’t go back to bed, I was already dully awake by then. So I went back home and did what any righteous man would.

I played NES games all day!

Ha ha! See, it was different than my usual tripe. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but I’ve been too lazy to move the GameCube out of my room to the PC, even though it’s a maximum of twenty steps between the two. And, uh, if you noticed, the date is a moth or so behind, mostly because I haven’t played the game for a few weeks and I don’t want to miss all the stuff between then and now. So I’ve just been playing a few shortened days every playing session.

The most amazing thing about this is how long I was able to drag it on for. I’m sure that I could have made it a bit longer, since I didn’t include everything I could have, but I still thought it would be a lot shorter than what’s become the norm. Actually, it is significantly shorter than the GCN Demo Disc article, but there was a lot of ground to cover in that one. Animal Crossing just isn’t big article material. It’s really more of a journal logging type thing than anything else. But I’m happy with the way it turned out, so it’s all good. I don’t know what’s next for me, but it should be soon. Later, eh?

The GameCube Demo Disc

I don’t care what anybody says, the GameCube is an all-around excellent console. It’s got all you need from a video game system; great games, comfortable controller, and it’s nice and small too. You may say “But Ryan, where’s the DVD player?” And I say, “The Playstation 2 dies after a year because of it’s DVD playing abilities”. And let’s not even get me started on the X-Box. But we could argue about that until the cows come home. Actually, when do the cows come home? Considering that people have been using that saying for ages, those cows must be dead by now. Unless they’re really cow-turtle hybrids with the physical appearance of a cow and the lifespan of a turtle. Hmmm… (Note to self: Find cows and bring them home).

Where was I? Oh yes, GameCube being perfect. There was still one small fault in the system’s obvious flawlessness; the lack of demo discs, or even a single demo disc. But a few months ago, I’ll say May, that little oopsie was remedied. Remedyed. Remedeed. It sucks when even I don’t know how to spell a word, and damned if I’ll use a spell checker. Nintendo finally released a demo disc with 5 of the “biggest” upcoming titles. And of course a bunch of movies and a couple GBA-transfer games. Only there was a catch.

The only way to get this precious disc was to get it free with the purchase of a GCN. So Nintendo shot themselves in the foot. Again. It was really no big deal to the general public, only those who had been waiting for the damn thing since the console’s release. Unfortunately, I was one of those people. Now that I think of it though, Nintendo has released two quasi-demo discs in the past. the first was before the GCN was launched and showcased the titles that everyone was drooling over. Only there were no playable demos and it was for use on a PC. Next was the other movie preview disc, mostly to sell the Metroid games. Ironically enough, was in DVD format. You can almost hear Nintendo crying about how much their feet hurt.

The other day I was out with the family, and my grandma just gave me 20 bucks. And I hadn’t even said hello yet. How does that equate? I don’t know, but I’m not one to complain about free money. So we went to the new Best Buy store and there I found it. I’d been looking for the disc since it came out, only to be stopped by the complete lack of them and the fact that you could only get them when buying a Cube. But Best Buy had broken the rules. At $15, how could I lose? I’ve been salivating over Viewtiful Joe since the first screenshot, and now I had the chance to play the first level over and over until the full game is released. Fate was on my side that day and now I’m the proud owner of the wonderful GameCube Preview Disc.

It’s a really nice case, but do you see something wrong with it? Yes, there are four games shown, but the little thing says ‘Demos! 5’. So, for the uninformed, there’s a secret game. On the cover, we can see Sonic Adventure DX: Director’s Cut, Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell, Viewtiful Joe, and Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg. So what’s the fifth game? It’s the game that has been hyped up way more than I’ve ever seen a fighting game hyped up, Soul Calibur II. So we’ve got a pile of potential gold on this disc, but wait! There’s more?! Ah yeah! There’s the movies too! They’re much less filling than the main course of playable demos, but they do serve their purpose of whetting your appetite. Let’s take a look at the back of the case to see what we get.

F-Zero GX, The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, Rebel Strike: Rogue Squadron 3, and a couple of football games that I don’t care about. What it doesn’t say is that there are also movies for the games with playable demos. And finally, GameBoy Advance owners get another little treat! There are two games that you can download to your GBA/SP, Dr. Mario and a preview of Wario Ware, Inc. The Wario Ware review houses my opinion of the full game, and the preview is significantly shorter, featuring approximately 7 microgames. But, if you get far enough, the game will change ever so slightly to advertise the full game. It’s funny and a good bonus game. Dr. Mario is the opposite of all the other games, because it’s the entire game! So you can play all the way to the end instead of repeating the first couple levels over and over. A very nice bonus for puzzle fans. The only thing that’s missing is a link feature, but I won’t complain about it.

So now lets ever so carefully put the disc in the GCN and boot that baby up. Aaah, demoey goodness. The menu is exactly what you’ve seen in the demo discs at Wal-Mart and such, only the Wal-Mart version of the disc has got Ultimate Muscle: Legends VS. New Generation and P.N.03 on it instead of Joe and Billy. I had wanted Ultimate Muscle for a while. Then I played it. The cel-shading and franchise fooled me into thinking that it might be different from your run-of-the-mill wrestling game, but it wasn’t. So I sucked at it and now I don’t even want to rent it. Sorry, Kid, but I’ll still watch your show. As for P.N.03, it was definitely original, to say the least. I’m looking forward to renting it.

But back to the games on MY disc. I’ll go in order of worst to best, then movies, so I’ll start with Splinter Cell.

To be completely honest, I only tried this once, and I don’t think I’m gonna do it again. Wait, make that twice. Once to try it out, once to take screenshots. As far as I could tell, in the demo you’ve gotta spy on some Chinese guy who’s doing something bad. Gee. That’s original. Maybe I should have paid attention. So as Sam, you have to sneak around and find this guy without getting caught and killed. And if you’re caught, you will be killed. Damn realistic games. Sam should be able to take more than two shots. I’m not too good at stealth, and there are too many things to do with nowhere near enough buttons. That’s why Tom Clancy games should stick to PC, they use every button on the keyboard and then some. It just doesn’t translate well onto a controller. I hear the guy who invented Doom thinks games are getting too complicated as well. In any case, I got killed a couple times and quit because I suck at it.

If you wanna look at it technically, all the playable demos are GCN-exclusives. Although you can find Soul Calibur II on the PS2 and X-Box, only the Cube version has Link(making it best by default). As for the multi-platform Splinter Cell, the GCN version has a huge advantage, GBA connectivity. The only thing I liked about the game is that you can use the GBA as a radar, and if I didn’t have that, I would have died a lot faster and possibly more times. It did allow me to find a new route into the first building. Only it wasn’t a secret route, it was the front door. See? I’m really bad at Splinter Cell.

Next up we’ve got unnecessarily long-titled Sonic Adventure DX: Director’s Cut. it could have just been “Sonic Adventure DX”, but it seems that the longer the title, the better these days. I doubt that they added any scrapped material to this version. This is your basic good news/bad news situation. The good news is that it’s the longest demo of the bunch. The bad news is that it’s not as good as Sonic Adventure 2 Battle, which came out on GCN a long while ago. True, it’s not a bad game, it’s just that there are a lot of flaws. The most apparent of these flaws being the camera. It flies all over the place whenever you move and most of the time it won’t go where you want it to. Speaking of uncontrollable, the controls could use a bit of tweaking. And when I say “a bit” I mean “a lot”.

You can play one of each character’s missions, which equates to a whole of six playable levels. That’s about 200% more game than any other demo. It’s nice to have quantity, but sacrificing quality is not something I’m big on doing. It’s still not that bad. It sure is a lot more fun than Splinter Cell. I guess my real beef is with the Gamma, Amy, and Knuckles levels. The Sonic and Tails levels are all you could expect, and I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Big’s fishing adventures. Even better for me is that they kept the character themes in the instructions. I love Big’s theme. I even downloaded it and have listened to it several times every day. It really is an awesome song. The other characters’ themes (save Knux’s) are rather odd sounding after the remixed tunes form SA2B have become the norm. Especially Tails’ theme. Once again, I had to clean blood out of my ears.

The last three games are all great, and I really can’t bring myself to rank one above the other, so I’ll check out Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg next. The first thing you’ll notice when you start playing is that it’s gotta be the cutest thing EVER. Billy’s cute, the animals are cute, the enemies are cute, even the damn music is cute. To some this is a bad thing and will make them turn away in disgust, but I love it. To understand the entire amount of cuteness that this presents, you have to hear Billy’s “Kook-a-doo-doo!”. Possibly the most surprising thing about it is that it’s made by Sega’s Sonic Team, the same people responsible for SADX:DC. Everything about the game is great. It’s got all you really need. Music, graphics, control, fun; all top notch. It’s definitely on my buying list.

Billy’s quest in the demo is to hatch the Chicken Elder from a Golden Egg. It seems some nasty crows have invaded and sealed up all the Elders, the chicken who “make the sun appear”. So they put the roosters in big eggs. So Billy’s all dressed up in his unbearably cute chicken costume and gets to it. You can find eggs lying around everywhere and roll them around to break stuff, squish enemies, and hit switches. As you find fruit to feed the egg, it grows and eventually can be hatched. Most eggs contain small animals that Billy can team up with to attack enemies and solve puzzles. When you free the Chicken Elder, he presents you with a Courage Emblem. Then you go pick it up and the demo is over.

But that’s the tricky part, it really not. on the title screen, you can access a second mission by holding A and pressing start. It’s the same level, just a few things have been moved around and the bad guys have gotten tougher. So what’s your mission? Get to the top of the same tower you got on to beat the last mission and get another Courage Emblem. So let’s take a closer look at this: Collectible objects, different missions in the same level, excellent gameplay… I think we’ve got another Super Mario 64 clone on our hands. Yay! Maybe Banjo and Kazooie won’t be missed as much if Billy is good enough to take their place. And for what I’ve seen so far, the little chicken-suited boy will go above and beyond the crow of duty.

Next on the chopping block is the insanely popular Soul Calibur II. I often wondered why it was so popular, and now that I’ve played it I have a very good idea why. Now I usually don’t like 3-D fighting games. Tekken, Virtua Fighter, whatever. Not my proverbial cup of tea. But SC2 manages to pull off what only Bushido Blade has been able to do so far; make me like a 3-D fighting game. It’s gotta be the weapons. But I don’t just like SC2, oh no. I love the damn thing. Even if I only have access to two characters, I can see myself playing this a lot until I get the full game. Speaking of those characters, the two given are Cassandra and Nightmare. Possibly the two most opposite fighters in the game. Cassandra, my choice of the two, is small and fast. Nightmare on the other hand, is a huge lumbering monster with the biggest sword you’ll ever see. The demo is only four enemies long, but there’s two-player support so it’s got more replay value than any of the other demos.

So why is it so great? I’m not sure, but it’s got this huge appeal to it. Even my littlest brother who hates to play games with me (cause he hates to lose) was having a grand old time with it. Though I think he was doing it just so I’d let him play Billy Hatcher. When it comes down to it, it’s just your average fighting game but with permanent weapons. It can make the game a bit cheap, since some are mind-bogglingly long, but they add that extra dimension to it. It’s multiplatform, so all three groups get it, but there’s one big difference between them all. Each version has an exclusive character. Like I said earlier, we GCN owners get Link, so it’s obviously gonna be the most popular of the three. Coming in second is the X-Box version, which gets Spawn. Yeah. Freakin’ Spawn. Lastly and most definitely leastly, is the PS2 version, with their exclusive character being some geezer from the Tekken series. Heh heh. The enemies in the demo are Raphael the fencer pirate, Astaroth the Tyrant wannabe, Taki the ninja whose breasts “defy gravity”, and Voldo the bondage freak. They’re all pretty easy. Except Voldo. You can never tell what he’s gonna do, and every time he kills you he’ll whip out a new attack that you never saw coming. Like flopping on the floor and electrifying himself. This is definitely a buying game.

Now I’ve reached the one reason that I bought this damn disc. Viewtiful Joe. This is what I’ve been itching for for months now, and the release date still seems ages away. But that no longer matters, because I can play the first level over and over and over until I die of thirst and sleep deprivation and hunger and filthiness. But there’s no way I’d rather go out. My good friend thinks it’s dumb because it’s side scroller, but I’ll just be laughing at the fact that he’s missing what could possibly be my favoritest Cube game ever. Everything about this game has been worked out perfectly, even more perfect than Billy Hatcher. At least half of the gaming population hated cel-shading. But then the Wind Waker came along and most of them realized how wrong they’d been. Even I was wary of it until I bought Bomberman Generation. And as for Joe’s treatment? It looks fantastic. Capcom was going for a comic book style of visuals, and they executed it perfectly. The game does look like it came straight out of the pages of some comic. It may sound unappealing, but most of the objects in the game are 2-D, but in the end it looks more proper than 3-D objects would have. As for the characters and most of the important objects and platforms, they’re all in 3-D and have been rendered very nicely. There better be at least one sequel.

But now that I’ve spoken of the superficial stuff, let’s get down to the meat and potatoes of the game. The audio is great, music is catchy and sets a very nice tone for the game. As for voice samples, all the voice acting is great, with some well written and often funny dialogue. Some of the best being Joe’s “Henshin-A-Go-Go-Baby!!” and the “Yummy!” that’s produced when he picks up a life-replenishing burger. The gameplay itself is very simple and extremely fun. The controls are very easy to pick up and learn, as it doesn’t even use all the buttons. Not like Splinter Cell, which had like five actions for each button. The demo level consists of several parts which are cleared by killing so many enemies and/or reaching a certain location. After every little part, you’re given a rank based on your Time, Defense, and V-Combos. Ranks for each stat go from V to D, and add up to a bigger rank. So far I’ve achieved 3 different ranks; Awesome, Baaaad, and Crappy. I’m not sure if you can get a V or D as your final rank, I’ve never done that good or bad.

Playing as Joe is pretty simple. All you have to do is run around, jump and attack your enemies while throwing in an occasional dodge to up your Defense rank. But after beating the mysterious Captain Blue, you can become Viewtiful Joe! With the added powers of Slow and Mach Speed, you can pummel your enemies with a lot more style. The best part is that the powers have an effect on the surrounding area, so they can be used for many purposes. Slow is the more useful of the two abilities, as it has many uses. These include making fast moving enemies slower, stopping rotors, and slowing bullets so you can punch them back. Mach Speed is more of a “special effect” move, as it lets you attack all the enemies on the screen and if used long enough Joe will light up and set any enemies he touches on fire. What’s quite possibly the best part is the Helicopter boss. There are literally tons of ways to beat it. 1)You can knock down chandeliers on top of it. 2)Do it old-school and just pummel it to death. 3)You can slow time and bounce it’s bullets back. 4)You can kick it’s missiles back at it. 5)Slow down time to stop the rotor and then beat it to death with Mach Speed. And this is just the first level! Even better than the boss, it never gets boring! I’ve played through it at least 15 times now and I still have the urge to go back and do it again. I can say with confidence that Viewtiful Joe is the game to own this year. October is going to be one Hell of a month.

Now that I’ve reviewed all the playable demos, I’ll take a very brief look at the videos. first up is F-Zero GX, which looks very nice, and the added F-Zero AX (arcade version) connectivity sound like a great idea. The Zelda video is just an explanation of how to use the Tingle Tuner to it’s fullest ability. It is also home to a hilarious line: “Tingle is only as friendly as the person holding the GameBoy Advance, so choose your friends wisely” is spoken as various shots of Link getting blown up are displayed. The Rogue Squadron III video make the game look very promising, and I like the idea of adding in a multiplayer feature. Best of all, you can crush Ewoks in an AT-ST! You can’t improve on that! I don’t plan on watching the football videos. The videos of the demo games are somewhat less enthralling than their playable cousins, but are good to watch none the less.

Finally, there’s an ESRB video about how to choose your games depending on the rating and how if you don’t choose the right game, you’ll be in a big mess. Not only is the video great because bowling balls are flying at a guy trying to play baseball, but it’s hosted by the one and only…

Yup, Derek Jeter. Now if only they could hire a celebrity who I know to do these things, they’d have my undivided attention without having to resort to the bowling balls.

That’s it for this disc. I don’t think I could have found a better way to spend that $15. The only real shame is that I didn’t get to play SC2 earlier. Or else I would have known it was awesome before and had the chance to ask for it for my birthday. Speaking of which, there should be a new article sometime around then. For now though, just wait, my third promised article will be done pretty soon. Though it’s another thing along the lines of Hylian Idol. But this one involves people with horns, animals, and crossings. Nobody will ever guess…

In a real conclusion, I’ll have to rate each of these games. The Wario Ware Inc. demo gets a 8 for the funny advertising ploy. Dr, Mario gets a prefect 10, who couldn’t love that game? Splinter Cell scores a 5, because I suck at it. SADX:DC gets a 7, because it’s good for the most part, but has some big, ugly issues. Billy scores a 10. He’s just too cute to give any less to. SC2 gets a 9, because Voldo scares me. Otherwise it’s a 10. And I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m gonna give Viewtiful Joe a 10. I’ve yet to see any flaws at all in that game. You may not agree with everything I’ve said, but remember, it’s all my opinion, which should and most probably does differ from yours. So have a good night and give Joe a chance. Side scrollers are the best games ever. Except Super Mario 64. That’s the real best game ever.

~Ryan

The 3ft 6 Pak! (Part One)

You know how I love video games? Well if you didn’t, now you do. But to get to the point, I’m really more of a console gamer. Sure, there are tons of good PC games out there, but most of them are first-person shooters and online RPGs (Half-Life, Everquest, etc), both of which fail to intrigue me very much, if at all. That’s half right there, another quarter are crappy games that really serve no purpose, and are boring and stupid (Lego Island, etc). Then we come around to the good games, which are primarily real-time strategy and console ports (Command & Conquer, Metal Gear Solid, etc). So like I said, I don’t play a whole lot of games on my PC.

So then what purpose does my PC serve? Well for one, what you’re reading takes up a significant percentage of my time on the computer. The rest of the time I’m usually browsing the internet for any type of interesting stuff I may be able to find. So in short, I use the computer almost exclusively for the internet. But what of the days when I had no access to the web? Well, that was when computer games were still fun, and typically 2-D. You’d be surprised at the kind of games they made back then. There were tons of things you’d never hear of unless you were into knowing every game that was ever released. Or if you had parents who randomly bought games that seemed to be of good value. I was in the latter.

Today I will once again delve into my shady and rather boring past to explore one of the oddities of my computer game collection. I haven’t touched this thing for years. Not since I was 12 at the very most. I didn’t plan to ever pick it up again, but as I write this, I temporarily have lost my connection to the net thanks to the bumbling tomfoolery of my brother.(Editor’s Note: I placed the blame a little prematurely…) So here we go, get ready for a trip into the darkest depths of edutainment as we witness PC gaming at what might just be it’s worst. Get ready for the ‘3 Foot 6 Pak’.

As I stated above, this thing is old. I’m not sure exactly when it was made, but we got it sometime around between when I got my Super Nintendo and when I got my Nintendo 64. So that’s a span of about 4 years right there. In any case, this marvel of something was apparently made in 1994, or so the packaging has led me to believe. Sirius Publishing probably knew what they were doing too, because the package also says “From the makers of the original 5ft. 10 Pak”. Wow. So that’s about 1.6 times the crap. And almost twice the size. Maybe they learned that too much crap at once was bad and lightened the load by four coasters, errr, games. The part that bothers me the most is that it’s only Volume 1, even though it’s got a predecessor.

Scratch that, the part that bothers me the most is how much my parents paid for it and that they didn’t remove the price tag. Now technically this is a great deal, seeing as most ‘full version CD-roms’ are about sixty bucks each these days. But realistically, they shouldn’t have been able to get away with trying to sell it for $15, never mind $30. I’m not sure if I mentioned it or not yet, but the ‘games’ in this ‘pak’ are total crap. I’m talking extreme craptacularness here. Except for three of ’em, but I’ll review each separate game later. Right now, let’s just make sure all the goods are here.

Sadly enough, all six games are indeed in the pak. All of the discs are unnaturally clean and unscratched too. Which is only unnatural because my brothers don’t seem to understand the importance of keeping them in working shape. But now for the real test! Do they really equal three feet? In the interest of science and filling up this paragraph with mindless banter, I shall be the first one to find out! Well, maybe. But I’m not sure that anyone else ever purchased this thing, never mind produced the effort or interest to check if it’s actually 3 feet long.

I only have two feet, so I can’t tell for sure, but it seems that all six discs do indeed equal up to a length of three feet. But on the other side, if you factor in the cover and little flap thing, if would actually add up to about 3 feet, 8 inches. A-ha! I knew it! Sirius Publishing is in for some hard times and legal battles for false advertising. I wonder if I could actually take this to court? I’m mostly wondering because Sirius Publishing might be long dead by now. But now what am I to do with this thing if it’s not 3 feet long? It’s totally useless to me now that it’s more than 3 feet. And just for the record, none of this means anything to me because I use the Metric system!

Now imagine my surprise when I attempting to fold the thing up and this fell out. Actually, I wasn’t surprised, because I knew it was there all along. I was just trying to avoid it. What did surprise me though, is that it’s in extremely good shape considering it’s age and owners. I was very shocked to see that this nice poster-thing is still in one piece. But, in the end, it’s just a crappy poster. I wouldn’t hang it on my rival’s wall. Mostly because I haven’t got a real rival yet. If you want to apply for the position, I’m taking in applications from September 3rd to 16th. So why is this seemingly useless poster included with the pack? Let’s turn it over and see.

Ah! It’s really just a cover for the instruction manual! Quite the screwed up manual if I do say so. It’s more of an instruction map if anything. But, since I’m so smart, I won’t need this thing at all! The only problem I face now is the folding of this damn thing. Yes, I’m smart, but I’m no neurosurgeon here. Although it does seem like quite the interesting field to work in, and I hear it pays quite well, too. I could be the next Dr. Drake Ramoray! …On a totally unrelated topic, if an actor is playing the part of an actor, is he really acting? What if he’s playing himself? Wouldn’t it be cool if watermelons came in different colours like in Yoshi’s Island? Okay okay, I’ll quit the crap and move on to the reviewing of the games. Damned games.

Great. First game is already the boringest of the bunch. It’s the Family Circus for crying out loud! Just associating something to the Family Circus decreases it’s interesting points by 500. This “Our House” game isn’t getting anywhere near my CD drives. I refuse to play it. What could there possibly be to play? I mean, it’s probably just clicking on stuff around the house which produces a quote which is supposed to be funny but really isn’t. Just like the comic. Stupid Family Circus. The only good ones are the ones that show the trail that the kid took from point A to point B. And that’s only good because FoxTrot made fun of it. Yes, I do think that the Family Circus is dragging down the rest of the Saturday comics. But seriously, I’m totally not playing this game. Ever.

What is this!? Cinderella? It just goes downhill from here, doesn’t it? In any case, I’m not actually going to try this out either, but not because I’ll hate it. No, that’s a given. I don’t want to play it because someone might walk in and see me playing it and then tell everyone I was playing a damn Cinderella computer game. And if that happened, my precious reputation would be ruined. Cause, you know, what others think of me is all that matters. It’s. All. That. Matters. Heck, I’ll probably be mocked for simply mentioning this entire pak of games, but I thought it would be a good thing to write about, and as usual, I stand by my decision. It appears to be an ‘interactive storybook’, and I’ve only had good experiences with those so far, so as far as actual quality and interestingness of this game goes, it might actually be good. Or it could be complete crap, like I expect. Onto the next!

Sing-Along Kids… I probably would try this out if I had a working mic, but I don’t, so we’ll never know if I would have actually tried it. A mic probably isn’t a necessity, but I’ll just say it is so I don’t have to waste more time ‘playing’ this ‘game’. It’s really more of a karaoke than a game. Or at least that’s the impression that I’ve been given. In any case, the songs on it don’t seem to fit my tastes. All I see is stuff like “Old Macdonald” and “Yankee Doodle”. Where’s “Hysteria” and “Hell’s Bells”? I haven’t even heard of some of these songs. What the Hell is “This Old Man”? For the positive though, it includes the song “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”, which is just about the greatest song to hum or whistle when doing anything that requires little to no thinking. Matt was right.

Next on the chopping block is “Basic Spelling Tricks”. See that happy old man in the corner? Until you quit the game, he never goes away. I’m serious. He never, ever moves from that position. Not even during the screen transitions. Anyway, he seems to be the leader of the tribe that your character belongs to, and he’ll instruct you as you go along and make fun of you if you do nothing for a short period of time. The zaniest part of this game is that it has a story! A spelling game with a story! Not since “Mario Teaches Typing” have we seen edutainment of this calibre. The story goes like this; the river is flooding and you have to get upstream to save the tribe. We’ve got a real award-winner here, folks. So, I suppose now that I have a mission, I should get started.

The first step is to register your name. Try as I might, I just couldn’t fit ‘AssMaster’ or ‘AssMan’ into the thing. So in the end, I just named my character Ryan. Five spaces just isn’t enough. But it is better than four. And three. But when they only give you three spaces, it’s usually for initials anyway, like in arcade games. For future reference, if you ever get a high-score in a arcade game, enter ‘SEX‘ as your initials. I’m sure that got the skimmers’ attention.

Okay, now I have a mission and a character. Let’s start the game already! This is more or less the main game screen. Sorry if the pics are a bit blurry, the jpegs were huge and I had to do a lot of size reduction to get them under 50KB each. And there was a header-type thing at the top of this screen with some angry Moais on it, but you know how it is. Anyway, I sailed in on my raft, and the old guy tells me to pick up the letters to spell “first”. I would have been fine with this had my raft not floated away as soon as I stepped off of it. So, I figured I’d try anyway and grabbed the letters. For anyone who has trouble spelling the words, there’s a sentence provided at the bottom of the screen with the proper spelling. Needless to say, I finished the level with no trouble at all. To my surprise, when I got the last letter, my raft came back! Old man instructed me to go back to the raft, and I continued my journey upstream.

Every level is divided into two separate parts; the main game, where you run around solving puzzles and picking up letters, and this typing challenge. It seems out hero can’t paddle hard enough unless you can spell, so I guess he’s just lucky that I’m playing, and my friends aren’t. This part would be a lot easier if old man would enunciate a little better. He asked me to spell “flute”, but I didn’t realize what he was trying to say until I turned up the volume about 30 decibels and had him say it roughly 67 times. Also noteworthy is that every time you get a word right a mini-villager will climb up onto the board, and when you’re done, they do a mini-wave!

I know that the first level looks pretty easy, and it was. If memory serves though, the game gets really hard later on, with some very advanced puzzles. I only played about 4 levels, and I thought to myself “How long could this game possibly be?”. Well, upon returning to the main menu, I discovered that, in the words of Def Leppard, I’ve got a long, long way to go. Oi. I’ll be damned if I ever finish this, or if anyone else ever finished it. I like puzzle games and all, but this just doesn’t cut the mustard. The most ironic part is that even though I’ve been playing a spelling game for the last 20 minutes, there are probably going to be a lot of overlooked typos in the finiched articel.

I’ve also noticed that this thing is getting horrendously long. At this point, it’s over 2200 words long, and that’s almost as much as the Hulk and AW2: Black Hole Rising articles, if not more. I think that for now, I’ll stop here. Mostly because it’s going to be a really long article if I continue, and also because I’m desperate to get a new article up. It’s been more than a month since my last offering, and any readers out there need something after waiting for so long. So I’ll just wrap it up now, and do a separate review for the last two games, which coincidentally have a lot more content and fun than the first four combined.

For what I’ve looked at today, I must say that I’m really not impressed. I’ll give them credit for the sake of they were made way back when, but somewhere deep inside I was expecting more. I’m sure that it’s the fact that I’m maturing (slightly) that makes these games less interesting than they were all those years ago. So for now, I’ll just blame growing up for the crappiness of these so-called games. Actually, I should blame growing up more often. It’s working pretty well here, so I imagine it could be used in other situations as well.

So that’s it for today’s review. We- I mean I will just have to hope that both Putt-Putt and Lenny the Penguin can provide more entertainment than the Family Circus could. Looks like they’re shoe-ins for the “best games of the pack” award. I remember these last two being the best, and I hope that memory will serve better next time around, cause I don’t wanna be stuck playing a crappy game that I used to enjoy. That would mean that I enjoy crap. And I sure don’t wanna be known as the guy who enjoys crap.

~Ryan