TE Top 10: Worst Things to be Reincarnated As

I was on my way out of the crapper the other day – which is where all geniuses come up with their best ideas – and a random thought came to my head. What kind of things would I dislike to be reincarnated as? Personally, I’m a Catholic so I don’t believe in reincarnation, but there’s been a lot of examination of Eastern religions in my history classes, so I’m being exposed to the idea a lot more than usual. Generally, the idea is accompanied by the karma system. If you’ve never heard of it, karma is basically brownie points for your next life. You do good stuff, you get good karma. Do bad shit, and it’s into the bad karma you go. When you die, the quality of your next life is directly proportional to your amount of karma. This quality of life is decided by what you get turned into. Since many Eastern and Native American religions believe that everything in existence is alive and has a spirit/soul, you could theoretically be reincarnated as anything.

Now I’m a pretty good person, so if all this stuff is how it really goes down, I’ve got faith that I’ll have an acceptable next life. However, at the time, I was pondering the things that I would least like to come back as. Turns out there are lots of things I’d never want to be, so I narrowed it down to a short list of ten. I’ve got some pretty good reasons for most of them, even if they only sound like good reasons to me.

~The Nintendo 64 Dynamic Drive~

Some would call it a failure. Some would be right. But you know, it’s not really the DD’s fault. I did a little research, and as far as I can tell, it only really failed because the N64 was on its deathbed, and distributors didn’t want to bother trying to hock the thing. So it was only available through mail-order. The thing sounded like it had potential (much like the SNES Satellaview thingy), but was released way to late to see the world of success. So if I think the thing had potential, why wouldn’t I want to be it? Because it had potential. Not making sense? Let’s put it this way: I wouldn’t want to be something that could be awesome, but failed miserably because my success was in someone else’s hands. No thank you. I’ve had enough shattered dreams in this life.

~United States President George W. Bush~

Do I really have to explain this one? I know there are more people who like him than hate him (unless the polls are rigged), in his country at least, but I’d still have to take that kind of criticizm. Heck, while we’re at it, I wouldn’t want to be any celebrity. As much as I’ve fantasized about being famous, I’d hate to be under the public eye all the time. I’d hate to have every person in the world judging every single thing I do, exploiting every mistake I make, tuned into every facet of my life. That, and I could never bear the responsibility of being in charge of a whole country. I’m barely qualified to be in charge of doing the dishes. But then again, neither is he.

~The Nokia N-Gage~

Seriously, does anyone like this thing? Because I’ve never heard of one. Not personally anyway. Hearsay isn’t exactly the most credible source around. Even with the N-Gage QD redesign or whatever it is, the thing is stupid. For one, the screen is vertical. Maybe for the phone half, but not for games. Next off, are there any games for it? What, Tomb Raider and some racing game? Yeah. Killer library. If you need some kind of do-it-all gadget, get a PSP. Sure it’s got no phone, but at the very least you can load it with SNES and GameBoy ROMs. And it does have a couple good games of its own. I guess.

~Badass Internet Hero Maddox~


Don’t read into this too quickly. I’m a huge fan of Maddox. I won’t follow his words blindly like some, but I do enjoy his work. The satire is always razor-sharp and he does an excellent job of making fun of two-bit hacks like me. So why wouldn’t I want to be him? For one, he lives in friggin’ Salt Lake City. Eeeew, Utah. Nextly, because of his notoriety, he probably get the most hate mail ever. And finally, he updates maybe once a month, and the fan mail demanding new content is apparently pretty bad. Since I update like once every billion years, I imagine that it would be infintely worse for me. I wouldn’t really hate being Maddox, I just don’t think I’d be able to keep up with the reputation.

~My computer~


The machine itself has got the parts of a winner. A third-placer at least. But with God as my witness, no piece of technology has ever has as many issues as my computer. That thing is the physical manifestation of… something really unreliable and prone to breaking. To be fair, all the electronics in my house seem to be under some horrible curse, but my computer takes as much for the team as he can. Or maybe it just really pissed off some evil spirits. I can’t explain it, but the thing has spent more time being repaired and getting operating systems reinstalled than it has being in working condition. It’s a pity, really. Pity, pity, pity….

~The Catman – Peter Criss~


A hero of mine once said it best:

“Nobody wants to be Peter Criss, not even Peter Criss.”

~A goldfish~


My life is pretty routine. I wake up, eat, go to school/play video games, eat, play video games, eat, internet, eat, and sleep. But for fark’s sake, I could not just swim in circles all day. After two days I’d be begging for my owner to overfeed me so I could meet my tasty demise before I went insane. You may think the whole “goldfish only have a memory of a few seconds” thing might have something to do with it, but they proved that was false on Mythbusters a long time ago. One cool thing I learned while looking up… stuff… is that goldfish are actually a mutation of carp. The more you know!

~Toilet paper~


Come on. Really? You need me to explain this? A comic once pondered if toilet paper feels lucky when it gets used as a hankie. Do you really have to wonder about it? In the end (no pun intended), the only half-decent outcome for a piece of toilet paper is to be used as bandages for a low-budget mummy.

~Underpants. Specifically, men’s underpants~


Like it says, I would hate to be underpants. Men’s or women’s, I don’t care. Sure, every straight, red-blooded man has at one time wished to be a hot chick’s underpants, but it can’t possibly be all fun and games. Especially on days when she isn’t expecting to… “perform”, if you know what I men. There’s the whole fish business, and I can’t stand fish. Then let’s remember that chicks fart too, and they can’t always wipe it all away after a visit to the ladies’ room. Really, it’s not a place you wanna be in for extended periods of time. And I shouldn’t have to explain why I don’t wanna be a dude’s underpants. Even if I were gay. Think about it. Would you want to be rubbing up against a gross, hairy ass all day? On second thought, don’t think about it.

~Leopold “Butters” Stotch~


Yeah, Butters is my favourite character on South Park, but there’s no way in Hell I would ever want to be him. Butters is the biggest patsy in the history of comedy. Or anything for that matter. Butters has the luck of… well, he’s got even worse luck than me. Even I manage to catch a lucky break every now and again, but poor Butters always get the short end of the stick. You can’t help but feel sorry for the little guy, for as many bad things happen to him, he’s always just trying to help out or be a good friend. Whatever he did to deserve such a fate, we may never know, but what I do know is that I want to have no part in it.

And that’s the list. As you can tell, I went through the trouble of thinking out of the box a little. Yeah, any old idiot could say that they don’t want to be reincarnated as a pooper scooper, but it takes a little more effort to come up with a list like mine, and with half-decent reasons to not want to be those things. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that until you come up with your own list, I’m better than you.

Show me all the things that I could be

I’ve just finished uploaing a new article. Kind of… Well, you’ll see when you get there.

That aside, I need to mention that I recently acquired the soundtracks to Baten Kaitos and Baten Kaitos 2. Amazing soundtracks, and I heartliy recommend you download them if you like video game music. Motoi Sakuraba kicks Nobuo Uematsu’s ass anyday. ANY. DAY. Mainly, you need to check out the guitar versions of the battle themes. They will melt your face like never before. Also, Baten Kaitos is a pretty sweet game, so you should look into that. The sequel is supposed to come out this summer sometime, and I’m getting pretty hyped about it. So yeah, that’s pretty much what I needed to say. Later.

I would drown in your river of love

Yesterday I had not one, but two job interviews. I believe that they went rather well, and I even got a call back today for orientation. So it looks like Ryan’s a-gonna be working the night shift! Yeah, apparently that’s not such a great thing for my body, but if it puts snacks on the table, that’s all I need. I’m totally cool with the work, and the only thing I’m a little apprehensive about is how I’m going to manage to do anything else, since my whole schedule will be upside-down. In any case, it’s all good because I’ll be on the regular income train again. No matter how gihumongenormous a tax refund is, it still only lasts so long. To celebrate, I went out and spent craploads of money! First off, I scored the Hawksley Workman album Lover/Fighter, which is an incredible CD that I recommend you go and buy now on account of it’s so awesome. Next, I ran into the South Park season 7 DVD set, so I scooped that right up. On the gaming side of things, I bought Tales of Phantasia for GBA. Great game. Hell, the whole Tales series is great, and I highly recommend you give at least one game a try. The last thing I bought (and prepare yourself for this one: you’re not going to be happy with me) was a GameBoy Micro. My practical reasons for buying it just sound like excuses anyway, so we’ll just chalk it up to the fact that I’ll buy anything that Nintendo tries to sell me. Plus it’s so tiny! I was looking for Tetris DS too (actually the original reason I went shopping), but no stores have it in stock yet, so maybe tomorrow…

So that’s my tale. I’ve really got nothing else to announce today. I might finish uploading stuff to the DeviantART gallery this weekend, and there will probably be a new article soon too. Though it’ll likely be a boring game review, so don’t get too excited about that.

Oh! Hey, and don’t forget that Satoru Iwata’s giving his keynote speech at the GDC today, so expect a whole slew of Revolution-related info to be flying all about the intarweb over the next little while.

Then I’ll start a commotion

I used to think I was pretty good at Super Mario 64. I could get all 120 stars without breaking a sweat and I’ve even beat the big penguin race a couple times. But my dreams have suddenly been shattered. Turns out some dude can get to the end in 21 minutes. Now anyone who knows the game knows that such a feat is impossible, and it’s true, he does glitch it out on at least three occasions. Still, the video left me with my jaw on the floor. His technique is nearly flawless, and there are so many shortcuts that I’d never have thought of. I thought I was pretty good, but it seems that I still have a lot to learn.

Ryan’s Ultimate Challenge

January 2006 was a hard month for me. due to some less-tan-mysterious circumstances, I had been left without home internet access. It may come as a bit of a shock to you, but the internet plays a very big part in my life. It serves as my connection to music, games, socialization, literature, news, and much more. Not only that, but by now you’ve probably figured out that I write for at least one website. So a month without internet access really bummed me out.

Like many, when I’m unhappy, only one thing can satiate me. And that thing is cookies. But really, cookies have nothing to do with where I’m going here. Without the interweb, I was forced to find alternate methods to entertain myself. After blazing through my increasingly monstrous DVD collection, I realized that sitting idly at watching TV and movies all day wasn’t going to be enough. No, I needed something more interactive. Something I could really get myself into. Eventually, it came to me that what I needed was a challenge.

So I set off into the dark depths of all the stuff I own. This eventually brought me to the computer. Since the internet was dead, the ol’ compy wasn’t getting a whole lot of use. Heck, it had gone for at least a week without use. So I booted her up and decided to scour my files for some much-needed diversion. I got to my ROM folder, and after smacking down all three MegaMan X games, cheating my way through the two SNES Castlevania games (you finish them legitimately, then you can berate me for cheating), and travelling halfway across Yoshi’s Island, I finally found it. The challenge I was looking for: Mickey’s Ultimate Challenge.

It stared me in the face for a minute, and then I decided that I would undertake this challenge. It was, by name at least, the Ultimate Challenge, so how could I say no? If I could prevail over the most ultimate of challenges, there would be nothing I couldn’t do. So I loaded the ROM and braced myself for what was sure to be the hardest thing I would ever do (except for that time I went back in time and drew the Nazca lines all by myself while using my telekinetic powers to construct Stonehenge and slay the dinosaurs, of course).

The game started as one might expect, with developer logos and copyright pages all over the place. I didn’t have to defeat any of them, and as such was a little disappointed. A real ultimate challenge would start the moment you boot up the ROM. Probably even before. So I pressed on.


The game then offered me two choices. Firstly, I was to pick between Mickey or Minnie as my avatar. While I have a tendency to pick female characters just as much as any other man, I felt it would be better to choose the buff, masculine character for this particular trial. After that, the game proceeded to offer me cake. I was ready to accept, too, but it quickly dawned on me that the game was more than likely trying to divert me from my goal. I couldn’t have that, so I passed on the cake, as delicious as it would have been, skipped right past this “medium” thing, since I’ve been having no trouble with wayward spirits, and dug right into my challenge.

By this point, I had had more then enough of this preamble, but the game decided that it would continue trying to stall me. This time it tried to get me to read some sort of story about a story, probably intending to make me too confused or bored to continue. But nigh! I prevailed over the sequence of pictures and words, and with my head held high, I continued on my quest. I had passed the first test, but it was a simple one, and I was more than ready for the harder trials that were sure to follow.

I was caught off-guard when I discovered myself falling from the sky onto a tower of a castle. I got up and dusted myself off, wondering what the game was trying to accomplish. It was then that I met a guard patrolling the area. He informed me that I has arrived in the Beanwick Kingdom, but I could see past his armored exterior that he was really a weasel! If there’s one animal I don’t trust, it’s weasels. But just as I was about to give him the old one-two, the ground shook violently below us and I cracked a joke about how the place should be called the “Jumping-Beanwick Kingdom”. The weasel, clearly unamused by my knock at his homeland, informed me that the tremors were common in the land, and that if they continued as such, the place would be destroyed in a matter of weeks. I highly doubted him, but decided that if he was telling the truth, it would surely be a challenge worthy of being called ultimate to stop the earthquakes.

I could have sworn the weasel flipped me the bird when I turned to leave, but I wasn’t able to catch him in the act, and it would have been a waste of my time to deal with him anyway. So I hopped off the tower and immediately came upon another problem: I wasn’t able to jump out from between the two towers. It seemed hopeless for a while, but after examining all of my options and abilities, I discovered that I could perform not only a small hop, but also an extended jump. Why I would need two different jumps boggled my mind, but it was better not to think about it. I had no other discernable traits that might help me along the way, so I bounced back up to the doorway just left of the weasel’s tower. I couldn’t see anywhere that looked like a better starting point, so I entered the door.

Inside was a gigantic library, which I could have sworn was bigger than the entire castle was on the outside, nevermind the small tower in which it was located. Such an issue in proportions probably should have been looked into, but I had a challenge to seek out, and no too-big library was gonna stop me. So I wandered a little deeper in, and came across this snooty-looking thing that I had no idea what it was. A horse maybe? God could only tell, the damn thing was clothed in an outlandish green robe and decked out in some of the biggest bling I’d ever seen. I knew that talking to this slimeball was going to be a mistake, but I sucked it up, hoping maybe he knew a little about either where I could find a real challenge or how I could stop the earthquakes.

All the guy would tell me that his books needed sorting, and that he couldn’t do it due to the fact that he’d lost his glasses and couldn’t see well. Bastard asks me to do him a favour, yet refused to even tell me his name. But seeing as there may have been an ultimate challenge involved, I decided to help him after all. Sadly, the task of sorting books was not an ultimate challenge, but it definitely wasn’t as easy as it sounds. See, there were books flying around all over the place, and my job was to step on the properly lettered-books to spell out a secret word. The task was dumb and made no sense, but the thing that I had the biggest issue with was the Daisy Duck statue with gigantic breasts. Is it just me, or does that strike anyone else as inappropriate? Anyway, after “sorting” the books, the horse-thing begrudgingly thanked me and handed me a book as a reward. A book. how is that going to help me stop the earthquakes? Pissed like never before, I stormed out of the tower and moved on.

I crossed over the top of the castle, thinking that maybe the opposite tower would contain something of value. On my way, I’m sure that damned weasel flipped me off again. I vowed to push him over the parapet if he did it again.

After a long hour of trying desperately to climb the small branches that served as ledges leading up to the eastern tower (How could I have given up? Getting up there was a small challenge), I finally made it up and in, but just as I walked in the doorway I was smacked with a blast of magic! I looked up and saw Donald Duck dressed as a magician. Then I realized that that foul fowl has shrunk me down to the size of a Japanese man’s penis! My revenge would have to be swift and bloody, but first I would have to get back to my regular size. Donald informed me that he could reverse the spell if I helped him concoct the proper potion. Seeing as this was my only option, I hopped up onto his table and awaited instruction.

It was then that I noticed that the table was shaped like a small maze, and that there were potions laying about. Donald told me that if I could push all the potions into the hole at the top of the maze, they would create the spell he needed to restore me. So I did. Though it did take a while. For a while, it seemed like every time I got all the potions in the hole, the table’s layout would change and more potions would appear. I’ll admit that some of the mazes were tricky, but for the most part, they were just time-consuming. This was certainly no ultimate challenge. Barely a challenge at all, really. Anyway, I finally finished with the potions, and after Donald resized me, he apologized profusely and begged for mercy. I decided to spare his life since he was so pathetic, and as a thanks he handed me a pair of glasses. Hooray, more useless crap. I left quickly because I was beginning to change my mind about the whole “letting him live” bit.

After wandering around and pondering my next move a for a bit, the next logical step seemed to be to go into the main hall of the castle. After all, if anyone could help me with my ultimate challenge, it would be someone of high enough repute to be in the main part of the castle, and not the secluded towers. My hopes were dashed when I ran into Daisy Duck. She came up to me right away and pleaded for me to help her, and that she would reward me greatly if I did. Based on the “rewards” I’d gotten up to this point, I was tempted just to walk out and jump in the river, hoping for a hungry crocodile to happen by. Death sounded like a far better alternative to wasting my time on these rubes. But I couldn’t give up on the ultimate challenge! So I decided to listen to her pleas.

Daisy told me that she needed to get all the portraits in the hall dusted before anyone noticed and reported her to the proper authorities. The problem was that she’d misplaced her special orthopedic shoes, and couldn’t manage on the ladder. So I hopped up and dusted the shit out of those portraits. Unfortunately, the castle must have been designed by Ozwell Spencer, as there was a ridiculous trick to dusting these paintings. I had to dust two portraits of the same person back-to-back, or else they would quickly reclaim their covering of dust. It didn’t take me long to get the job done, because I’m so smart and handsome, and as promised, Daisy gave me a reward. Only this time the reward was well worth it, she had stolen a gold brick from the castle treasury for me! I was rolling in it now. Slightly more encouraged to continue my quest, I set off again to see if there was anyone else that might be willing to score me some more dosh.

There was one doorway on the castle that I hadn’t yet explored, and it was marked with a sign that said “drawbridge”, and noticing that the drawbridge was up, I chose to venture in to see if I could get it lowered. There was a good chance that the earthquakes were coming from somewhere outside the castle, after all.

Inside, I met up with Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Much like Daisy, they were in a huge panic, and I knew that this was my opportunity to get m’hands on another one of those lovely gold bars. So I asked them what was up, and they replied that the drawbridge mechanism was stuck, and that they would be beheaded if anyone found out. Knowing they were in mortal peril, I told them that I would help them for a price. They agreed and told me that if I pushed down the nearby pumps, the backup mechanism would go into effect and would lower the drawbridge. So I took up the challenge.

In the end, it didn’t turn out to be so much a challenge as a time waster. See, the pumps were also made up of a simple puzzle, and the whole ordeal played out like a big game of Simon. You know the one where the lights blink and you have to touch them in the right order? Yeah. A big pain in the ass. That’s what it was. I fixed that drawbridge good, and all I got in return was a stupid glass slipper. Well, on the positive side, something that looks that valuable must be worth a decent amount of cash, right? So I wasn’t entirely infuriated, but I was certainly unhappy that they weren’t able to come up with one measly gold brick between the three of them.

Now that I had explored the entirety of the castle (it’s not like there was much there. I’ve built more impressive castles out of LEGOs), I set out across the drawbridge to see what the rest of the Beanwick Kingdom has to offer me. Sadly, it only consisted of a well and a small blacksmith’s shop. Which happened to be shaped like a shoe. What is wrong with these people?

Inside the blacksmith’s shoe I found Goofy, who was clearly slacking off. Startled by my presence, he told me that there wasn’t much going on since he had no metal to work with. I feigned interest in what he had to say for a while, and he asked me if I’d like to play a game with him. At first I was reluctant, but he promised a reward. Today’s rewards have been mostly less that satisfactory, but I gave it one last try. Maybe this would be another big payout. Fate wasn’t on my side, but I don’t give up that easily.

Goofy’s “game” was a poor attempt at copying Mastermind. He put some objects in a toolbox and had me guess what they were and what order they were in. Only, he just told me how many I had right, and not which ones were right. The bastard’s loose comprehension of the rules made the game a lot harder than it should have been, as Mastermind is an easy frickin’ game, but it still wasn’t anything I would even dream of calling an ultimate challenge.

After defeating Goofy at someone else’s game, I gloated for a while until he started jabbing at me with his tongs. I dodged his attacks with all the grace of Napoleon Dynamite, and Goofy proceeded to toss a hammer at me. While it just barely whizzed past my head, I figured that it was time to skedaddle, so I took the hammer as a victory trophy and got out of there before he was able to line up another toss.

Unfortunately, now I had met everyone in the tiny kingdom and ended up with nothing but a load of junk and a gold bar. I was no closer to my goal of finding the ultimate challenge, and there was not a stone I had left unturned. But just before desperation got hold of me, I was smacked upside the head with a brilliant idea! I remembered that the horse-thing jackass from the library had mentioned that he was missing his glasses, and it all suddenly came together. I was sure that everyone I’d met had mentioned needing something that was currently in my possession. With the grandest of ideas, I started my long journey back to the castle, where I could surely get something good by trading away all the excess crap I was carrying.

A short time later, I had revisited everyone in the castle, and sadly, things had just gotten worse. My notion to trade away my useless junk was spot-on, but I was less than ecstatic about what I’d gotten in return. Not one, not even two or three, but all four of the castle residents (aside from the weasel, who I did end up pushing over the parapet) gave me stupid beans in exchange for their precious goods. What good was this? I even went back to Goofy’s and gave him my precious gold brick, and even he just gave me a lousy bean in return. I’d come to the conclusion that if nothing else, the people of this kingdom were horrible cheapskates. Pissed off, as I headed back to the castle to return some favours (if you know what I mean), I tossed the dumb beans in the well.

FOOM! The earth shook with all the force of a Bantha herd, the well exploded into a million little bits as a gigantic beanstalk grew from the hole. The beanstalk quickly rose straight up into the sky, so far that I could no longer see the top of it. while the whole scenario seemed a little overdone, I knew that the ultimate challenge laid wherever that beanstalk ended, so I hopped on up and climbed for what seemed like an eternity. I’m not an overly adept beanstalk climber, you see (it’s one of the few things I’m not awesome at), and that thing stretched a many hundred miles into the air. This alone was really leading me to believe that the ultimate challenge was definitely waiting for me at the top, so as tough as the climb was, I persevered until I reached the clouds and the very top of the oversized vine.

At the top of the vine, as cliché as it sounds, was a giant. He was sleeping, so I was safe for the moment. But as he snored, the clouds, of all things, rumbled like my innards after a plate of extra-spicy burritos. It must have been the giant’s snoring that was making the kingdom below shake so violently. Well, part of my quest was to stop the earthquakes, so it seemed like it was up to me to wake the beast. If that wasn’t going to be an ultimate challenge in itself, surely enduring the wrath of an annoyed giant would be. There was no turning back now. I crept up to the giant, and noticed a sliding puzzle. It was hard to tell, but it seemed that his alarm clock had been trapped in the puzzle. That’s the weirdest snooze button I’ve ever seen, but I guess that’s just how giants do it.

I tinkered for a good fifteen minutes with that sliding puzzle. It was a tricky one, but fortunately I had mastered the art of sliding puzzles during my adventures on the high seas that were once the kingdom of Hyrule. Eventually, I did manage to free the clock, and it rang like not clock has ever rang before. I guess it had a serious case of the blue bells from being trapped in that puzzle for so long. the giant had been awakened, an as I had predicted, he was none too happy about it. He got up and was ready to crush me when suddenly everything started getting all fuzzy. Within seconds the world went dark.

I rose from my daze and the first thing I thought to myself was that the search for the ultimate challenge had been nothing but a big waste of time. None of the tasks I accomplished were anything but time-consuming and boring. The sliding puzzle that held the clock would have posed a slight challenge for any lesser man, but even for the most inept puzzle solver, it wouldn’t have even come close to being hailed as the ultimate challenge. I was disappointed, and vowed that someday I would find the ultimate challenge, wherever it may lie. All I can tell you from this experience is that the Beanwick Kingdom certainly does not have anything that could even qualify as moderately challenging, and it’s residents are all horrible, horrible cheapskates. Every last one of ’em. Don’t ever go there, it’s not worth your time. It would take you far longer to explore the place yourself and come back disappointed than it did to read this account, so you’ve dodged a bullet this time. Just remember, I won’t always be here to save you from making bad decisions, but if I’ve kept one person from experiencing the embodiment of dull that is the Beanwick Kingdom, then I can go to my grave a happy man. This is the end of only a chapter in my tale of the search for the ultimate challenge, and maybe someday I’ll treat you to the rest of the story. For now, though, it’s PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

I’m gonna rock you tonight

First, I have a very important link for you. Yeah, quit your moaning. The Legend of Zelda is 20 years old now, and 1up.com has published a very nice retrospective on the series. If you’re reading this post, you need to read this article. You owe it to yourself. And then go play some Zelda.

The other thing I want to talk about today is Guitar Hero for the PS2. It’s been out for a while, but it’s also been a very slippery game to get a hold of, and only recently did the local EB get some copies in, and me and my brother pounced like a horny teenage boy on the drunk chick at a party. Well, I’m more than pleased. The first thing you should know is that we have both found it extremely hard. Of course, I’ve never even seen a guitar, so that’s understandable. Even with the level of difficulty, I’ve been having a ton of fun with it. Beats dancing anyday, although my left hand is seriously cramped from the fret buttons. The best part of the game is without a doubt the soundtrack. Featuring bands I adore such as Boston, Deep Purple, and Queen, there’s no lack of great music to rock out to. First video game soundtrack (with “real” songs) to be free of rap, I think. Nice bonus there. Not to mention that the illusion that I’m playing “More Than a Feeling” brings me a joy that cannot be expressed in human words. Final word: If you don’t have some irrational and unfounded hatred of rhythm games, grab this one. It beats the pants off DDR as far as fun and music go, and it’s even more entertaining than Donkey Konga. Grab a second guitar and a few buddies, and you’ve got hours of limitless fun.

From Ryan with love

Woah. Did you know there’s a Super Mario Bros soundboard? This is awesome. Now I can listen to the underwater music indefinitely.

But to get back on track (actually, that was the whole reason I’m posting), I have some news. I recently rented the newest James Bond game, From Russia With Love. Yes, it’s made by Electronic Arts, and yes, it’s third-person. But you know what? It’s not half-bad. I was as surprised as you, my friend. I’m not going to go on about it, but it has turned out to ba a half-decent shooter. The last handful of EA Bond games didn’t even convince me to play more than the first level (Hell, I didn’t even try Everything or Nothing), but while I didn’t finish it, From Russia With Love is definitely more enjoyable than the last few. While shooting takes the forefront, there are also plenty of bonus objectives to accomplish and goodies to find. The game has a pretty good upgrade system, and there are plenty of things to unlock. Didn’t try multiplayer, but it seems a bit half-hearted, as you can only play as villains. From the time I spent with the game, I’d say it’s worth the seven bucks I spent to rent it. Not as worth it as POP:T2T was, but good enough. I’m satisfied, and that’s all I ask.

If you don’t feel like trying it out, go play with sand instead. Eerily enough, it’s just about as fun. Oh, and the Steve articles and Chat Radio have all been moved over.

Astro zombies

I’m like a kid with a new toy. I just can’t resist the urge to make unnessecary posts because FTP is fun to play with. Anyway, I’ve got all the 2005 news archives ready to go. I’ll probably finish up the rest of the news archive tomorrow and then get started on the pseudo-articles.

For the sake of substance, have I told you how awesome Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland is yet? Well yeah, it is. I was pretty firm in my opinion that THPS2 was the best Tony Hawk game ever, but THAW is putting up some serious competition. The game itself is what you’d expect, with all sorts of skating action and some oddball missions. The controls havent’t changed, though balance seems a little more sensitive than usual. Most notably for me (and the only thing that the console version holds over the DS’ American SK8Land) is the soundtrack. Holy smokes it’s huge, and it kicks ass too. Tons of bands I love, including My Chemical Romance, Thrice, and the Doors. Tons of other great stuff too from the Dead Kennedys, Thursday, An Endless Sporadic, and lots more. I’ve been searching for a torrent, but so far the best I’ve come up with is one that has all the “classic punk covers”. It’s not even half the entire soundtrack, but it’s plenty good for now. Oh, right, and the Classic Mode rules. As much as I enjoy free-roaming, the two-minute challenge runs are still my favourite way to play. It’s also got some really neat customization options that let you design your own deck and graffiti designs, though it lacks the drawing ability of THAS. Should you buy the game? If you’ve liked any THPS or THUG game, hell yeah. If you have a distaste for this kind of game, maybe give it a try anyway. While the DS version has slightly tighter gameplay, THAW is a lot deeper and has a ton more features and music.

TE Top 10: Video Games of 2005

It’s that time of year again. The time when we look back and pick out our favourites of everything and anything that happened during the year. Most people do their “top whatever” lists in early December, but I like to hold off until the first week of January so as not to miss anything that might just squeak by. Oh, and my list is one of video games. Just in case.

There are a few rules that certainly have big effects on my list. First and foremost, I don’t include any re-releases, no matter how much of an update they’ve gotten. Also, it is comprised only of games I’ve played. It would be kind of ruin the integrity of the list if I just threw any old game on it. The little problem with this is that I didn’t play a whole lot of games this year. Sure, compared to some people, I may have played a lot, but there wasn’t a whole lot of variety. I probably only rented like five or six games total this year. But oh well. That’s what you get.

That’s pretty much the whole intro. What else is there really to say? I’m gonna be doing enough reflection in the bajillion words below, so I don’t really need any of that here. So yeah. Go.

~ #11 (honourable mention) ~

Trauma Center: Under The Knife

Let me start by explaining the honourable mention. See, I haven’t really played Trauma Center. I have played the demo version, which was in Japanese, but I haven’t played the whole game. And since I haven’t actually played the whole game, I can’t in good faith give it a real spot on the list. But rest assured that if had, it would totally be there. What I did play of Trauma Center was really cool, and somewhat challenging as well. The game has topped my “most wanted” list since long before it came out, but alas, I’ve yet to find it anywhere. The local Electronics Boutiques have both informed me that they won’t be getting any more, and if EB isn’t getting any more, nuts to all the other stores. The only hope I have left is… eBay? Maybe I’m gonna have to investigate the Microplay scene. If anyone ever sees it, there’s a very generous bounty to be claimed… *hint hint*

EDIT: By the time this was posted, I got the game. As expected, it r0x0rz my b0x0rz.

~ #10 ~

Lost in Blue

Lost is Blue is lucky. Lucky that I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy of Trauma Center. It’s also lucky that Metal Gear Solid 3 was just a little too complicated and silly for my tastes. Actually, there are a lot of games I considered for this position, but Lost in Blue is just so neat that I couldn’t deny it.

A sequel to the underappreciated Survival Kids for the Game Boy Colour, Lost in Blue is a sim of a different persuasion. The idea of the game is that you’re stranded on an island with a girl, and you have to survive and find a way off the island. Or just survive. You don’t have to escape if you don’t want to. There are plenty of thins to do on the island, like rummage for food, collect stuff, make that stuff into tools, build furniture, hunt animals, explore, and more. The island provides a ton of stuff to do, and it’s up to you when you want to do it and if you even want to do it at all. the only thing you have to do (if you don’t want to lose) is to keep yourself and the girl alive. Otherwise, it’s all up to you. You’re even provided with the chance to play through as the girl once you complete the game, which offers an entirely different way to play the game.

Such open-ended gameplay usually has one of two effects on people: it either sucks you in completely, or you get bored right away. The only big difference between this and similar games like The Sims or Animal Crossing is that in Lost in Blue you do actually have an objective, so there is something compelling you to move forward. Not to mention that there are like a jillion different endings, based on your actions and relationship with the opposite character. The only real complaint I have to lodge against the game is that animals only appear in one area, and it takes a lot to get up there. Plus, hunting is really hard/requires luck more than anything.

~ #9 ~

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

This is the game I’d been waiting for since the DS was released. Aria of Sorrow is my favourite GBA game, and things could only get better with a sequel, right? Right. While it seems kind of harsh to give Dawn of Sorrow 9th place, it’s not so bad on the grand scale. 9th best of all the games I’ve played this year? Not too bad at all.

Castelvania: Dawn of Sorrow is the continued adventure of Soma Cruz, a regular-type guy who just happened to inherit Dracula’s powers by some cruel twist of fate. In Aria of Sorrow, he had to escape Dracula’s castle and keep from being corrupted by his powers. This time around, he’s in pretty deep, as some crazy cult is out to get him and his powers. The story is of the least importance, however, as the game itself is a testament to what beauty can be created on the DS. The game plays out in two dimensions, but every now and then there’s a 3D background that will just blow you away. The touch screen itself is used rather sparsely, but the fact that there are two screens is the single best improvement in a Castelvania game ever. See, the top screen can be used as a map screen, and that in itself is one capital reason to champion the DS. In any game with a map, especially Castelvania, it’s always a hassle to stop to check the map every few steps/rooms, and Dawn of Sorrow eliminates this issue completely by having the map ready for you at all times.

Even without the pretty graphics and cool features, the gameplay itself is more than noteworthy. Like its predecessor, Dawn of Sorrow uses a system of powerups fueled by the souls of your enemies. Every monster in the game has a soul which you can extract and use to your advantage. Some are simple abilities, like gaining throwing knives or summoning familiars, but others so some really cool stuff like letting you do a super jump or regenerating life. The game is pretty balanced, giving you a challenge while never being overly frustrating. Some bosses might drive you nuts, but a couple level-ups or the right soul combination could remedy the problem easily. There are a few different endings, a lackluster “enemy set” mode that you can challenge your friends to, and a handful of unlockables. Those unlockables include a sound test, a boss rush mode, hard mode, and a special mode that’s almost an entirely different game.

~ #8 ~

The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction

While I’d love to go on and on about this one, it seems I already have. I’d give you a link straight to it, but I’m feeling far too lazy at the moment to figure out the URL and all that shit you need to go through to make a link. So I’ll just type some stuff about the game instead.

Ultimate Destruction is more or less my dream free-roaming game. Of course, my overall dream game would contain many elements of UD, but it would be entirely different, and most likely 2D. Anyway, why do I love this game so much? For one, it’s all about destroying shit. There’s no stealth, no items, no rules. Just pure, unadulterated smashing. The game is basically split up into three categories (all rolled into one, but you won’t be doing one at the same time as another): free-roaming, missions, and sub-missions. The free-roaming is pretty obvious. You traipse around town as the Hulk, breaking whatever you see fit, jumping erratically, and basically just having a great time. The world is your oyster, and you may smash it as you please. Sadly, most of the buildings in the game are indestructible, but it’s still plenty of fun to destroy what can be destroyed. Heck, even my dad was impressed my this game, and the only interaction he has with any video game besides Pitfall is making fun of them.

The missions are pretty straight-forward as well. You’re usually either out to catch or destroy something, sometimes both. Pretty much any mission that strays from that formula has you high-tailing a piece of technology back to your church base. While these missions may not be geared toward destruction, they’re usually rather tricky, and that can provide much fun and frustration. Sub-missions are usually normal things like “race to here so fast” or “save pedestrians from the burning building”. Some however, are completely off-the-wall and have you batting soldiers falling from a helicopter or playing golf with an oil pump and a huge ball of steel. You’re ranked on the sub-missions, and getting gold on the better part of them is really friggin’ hard.

I think the thing that really ties the game together and takes it from good to great, is the freedom is gives you. You’ve all played on iteration of GTA or another, and I can’t help but feel that all of these games feel stuffy and that the controls don’t really flow. Hulk, however, has a very natural feel to it, and once you get down the controls, it’s a very nice feeling you get when you realize you didn’t even have to thing about that insanely complex string of jumps or beatdowns you just launched. It has the same feeling of freedom that Super Mario 64 had, where you feel almost completely unrestrained, allowed to do whatever you please. That’s precisely the reason why Super Mario 64 is my favourite game of all-time, and that’s why I treasure Hulk: Ultimate Destruction as much as I do.

~ #7 ~

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time

I made fun of Metal Gear Solid 3 a few paragraphs back for being silly, so why on earth does Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time rank so highly on my list? Simple: Mario & Luigi is based around silliness. The first game, Superstar Saga, set a good rhythm of intuitive gameplay and hilarious dialogue, and Partners in Time is in perfect step with it’s older brother.

The best part of the Mario & Luigi series thus far is the story aspect. And I’m not just talking about plot here. The dialogue is written with more than a pinch of humour, the characters are all extremely lively and often outrageous, and yeah, even the plot is pretty good. While in most RPGs, you’ll spend a lot of time fooling around and making sure you don’t miss anything, in Partners in Time you’ll be heading pretty much straightforward the whole time. Yes, you might go back to play some mini-games over or level a bit (it’s not that necessary), but most of the time you’ll just be moving forward. While it’s somewhat due to the fact that you’ll always want to see what’s going to happen next, I have to admit that the game is pretty linear. There are no sidequests to speak of, which is sad, and no bonuses after you beat the final boss, but chances are that you’ll be having so much fun you won’t miss those things.

The gameplay itself is unique to the series (and in a way, to the entire line of Mario RPGs), in that battles take both real-time and turn-based elements. In this game, you have play not only as Mario and Luigi, but the baby-sized bros as well. This situation has you playing as four characters at once, with each bro assigned to his own face button. Luckily, the only time you have to use all four buttons in tandem in four-bro battles, and this can lead to some hairy situations if you haven’t memorized your buttons. A lot of the time, the pairs will split up and do their own thing, and then you only have to look after two bros at once. Action commands liven up the battles, helping you max out your damage potential and avoid enemy attacks entirely, sometimes ever scoring a counterattack. While the action commands in the Paper Mario games would only serve to ease battles a little bit, in the Mario & Luigi games, if you’re really good, you could probably finish the game without getting hit once.

All in all, the game is as good or slightly better than the first. While the battling can sometimes get overly complex, it’s always fun and keeps you interested and involved, unlike traditional RPGS. If you want some more details, go check out the (very) short review in the 2005 Christmas article.

~ #6 ~

We <3 Katamari

What? What’s not fun about rolling a ball? Balls are like the first things we play with as babies, and even as we grow up, they still play a big roll (punny!) in our lives (at least for those of us who aren’t afraid of sports). So why not make a game that’s key feature is that you get to roll around a ball? Namco took up the challenge, and after the super-niche hit Katamari Damacy took the world by storm, what else could they do but appease the fans and roll out the Katamari for another go?

Katamari Damacy was the main reason I purchased my PS2. Yeah. That’s right, I got it mostly for a single game. A game I hadn’t even played at the time. Call me what you will, but it was money well spent. For hours I rolled around that katamari, and never yearned for more. The game didn’t offer a ton of gameplay outside rolling up as much crap as you could, but it was good enough. Like how people could play Space Invaders or Pac-Man obsessively. But Namco decided that we were worth it, and they put their best minds to the test and released We <3 Katamari sometime in mid-2005. What I got, I never would have expected. The game had been expanded with so many new stages, challenges, features, objects, and playable characters. They even managed to build in a cooperative mode that puts two people at the reins of a single Katamari.

The object of the game is to appeal to the fans of the King of All Cosmos, and roll around your Katamari. No big difference, right? Well this time, it’s not just a challenge to get your Katamari as big as you can within a time limit. No, there are stages that have you collect so many objects, roll a Katamari as fast as you can, keep a fire burning, and even one stage where you have to build a snowman. The wealth of new challenges is very pleasing, and it only gets better. In the first game, you could roll up presents for your character to wear, and cousins to be used in Battle mode. This time, there are a ton more of each, and the various characters can be used in single player as well (though they make no more than an aesthetic difference). Even the “select meadow”, the game’s hub of sorts, is fun to play around in. The only part that drags the game down is that Namco didn’t include any “eternal” stages, so you’re always working on a time limit. While I do miss them, it’s safe to say the game is of no lesser value because they’re gone.

What else do I need to say to get you to play this game? Do I need to tell you that it’ll fellate you as you play? Because I’m ready to tell you whatever you need to hear. If there’s one game you need to play on this list, it’s We <3 Katamari. The quirky graphics, abundant humour, and stellar yet simple gameplay are more than a match for you, so I want you to give this one a shot. I can’t guarantee you’ll love it like I do, but the odds of having fun are stacked heavily in your favour.

~ #5 ~

MegaMan Zero 4

I’m probably going to include the newest MegaMan Zero game somewhere on every future list like this, as long as they keep up the excellent trend. While MegaMan games usually peak in goodness around the second or third game, the Zero series gets better every time. And in leaps and bounds to boot.

MegaMan Zero had the core gamplay down. It was full of action, and was one of the few games of its day that could give you a real headache. Zero 2 didn’t add many features, but lengthened the game and pumped up the difficulty to near-impossible. Zero 3, which earned a spot on last year’s list, toned down the difficulty to a “gifted-human” level, added a handful of new features and tweaked some old ones to make them more user-friendly. The latest game, aptly titled MegaMan Zero 4, is again tweaking and adding whatever it can. Most notably, the tedium of earning and arranging Cyber-Elves is gone. You now have a single elf which you can level up and customize to give you whatever boost you might need. This game’s new weapon, the Z-Knuckle, lets you rip enemies apart and take their weapons for yourself. Some are offensive, some are devensive. Some have ammo limits, some you can blast away with forever. Some are guns, some fit in more with the club family. All in all, the Z-Knuckle provides you with a huge assortment of options and makes for a great addition to Zero’s personal weapons cache.

The upgrade chip system from the previous game returns, although this time you have to make the chips, not find them. You make these chips by picking of parts from defeated enemies and mashing them together. The only flaw here is that the game provides very few chip recipes, so you’ll have to figure out most of them by trial and error or a trip to GameFAQs. Another new feature is the weather changing system. Each stage can be affected by two types of weather, one is a little rougher and gives the boss an advantage, and the other will likely make your jaunt through the stage a lot easier. Obviously, you’ll need to play with the harder weather to get a good rank, but it also serves as the only way to procure the boss’ EX Skills, which is a lot easier than keeping up an A or S rank. Zero 4 also has its own share of unlockable mini-games, and the requirements for most of them are not nearly as obscenely difficult as those in Zero 3.

Overall, it’s a very satisfying game. There hasn’t been such a well-balanced MegaMan game since MegaMan X, and that one didn’t even have all the cool features that Zero 4 boasts. The downside is that… Hmmm… SPOILERS! (Sort of.) Highlight the text to read! The downside is that the ending really wraps everything up. And I mean really wraps everything up. Most of the events that play out near the end and during the final scenes point towards this being the last of the series, and that’s not cool. Though Capcom has pulled many stuns like this in the past (especially with MegaMan), so I doubt things are as grave as they want you to think.

~ #4 ~

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Honestly, I’m gonna come out and say it: This is the best Zelda game since A Link to the Past. It’s not that I didn’t like the games in between, but Ocarina of Time is way overhyped, and Majora’s Mask and The Wind Waker were still missing something. Link’s Awakening was my favourite Zelda game before this (though I think LttP is a better game on the whole. Professional and personal preference are two very different things), I never really got to play the Oracle games, and Four Swords is really in a category of its own. And even if you don’t agree that it’s the best Zelda game, it’s got no competition when you’re asking about the best GBA game ever.

Some people are complaining about the declining number of dungeons in Zelda games. But really, that number was never set in stone. The first game has nine, Link’s Adventure has six, LttP has at least 12, and Link’s Awakening has eight. There are about 11 in OoT, five or six in MM, and the Wind Waker is kind of ambiguous, because some things seem like dungeons, but half the population says no and half says yes. The Minish Cap tops in with five official dungeons, but that’s not really a big deal. The game in itself is huge, with a fully fleshed-out Hyrule to explore, as well as the many little bits that make up the Minish World. There are tons and tons of caves, grottoes, attics, and temples to explore, as well as a smaller world in the sky. The game itself is full of life, overflowing with personality and Zelda charm. Hyrule town is easily the liveliest and most colourful Zelda town ever, and there are characters spread out to even the furthest reaches of the land.

The graphics are a huge part of the game, as they’re unbelievably rich and detailed. Everywhere you go, you’ll be treated to beautiful scenery and extensively animated characters and enemies. The soundtrack is also worthy of note, being of uber-high quality and composed of new tunes and classic themes alike. I swear, this is the first Zelda game since the first to properly utilize the Legend of Zelda theme. The big cave in the graveyard also has a magnificent theme, though to tell the truth, I can’t remember what theme it is. Voices are strewn about pretty liberally, but never manage to get annoying. The difficulty of the game is maybe a bit lacking (it’s no Zelda 2), but it’s certainly not an easy quest to complete.

I’d love to ramble on some more about the Minish Cap, but I already did it once. Go back and check the January 2005 archive page. It’s got an even more long-winded spiel than I’ve put out here, so the inquisitive should definitely check that out. No bones about it, if you have a GBA/DS and you don’t own this game, you’re seriously depriving yourself.

~ #3 ~

Mario Kart DS

Mario Kart has always been the kart racing game that all the other kart racing games want to be. It’s easy to see why, too. Mario Kart has always had the two essential ingredients for a great game: fun and simplicity. Racing sims are way too hard for those of us who are no so hardcore, and we need something to satiate our needs for speed. Mario Kart does just the trick, as just about anyone can pick it up and get halfway good within a matter of minutes.

While the game itself is excellent, there is only one reason that Mario Kart DS got as high a ranking as it did: the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. You may think me a bit pompous when I say that Mario Kart DS is an extremely important game. For a company that went a good five years or so saying that online play is unimportant, Nintendo sure did build some massive hype over the launch of the Nintendo WFC. Not only were people buying into it, but that fact that Mario Kart, a universally loved game, would be the first Nintendo game to enter the good graces of online play. Of course, this went over huge, and the whole world is abuzz with Mario Kart fever. While there are a few limits on what you can do online, it’s still an excellent diversion from trying to find people to play with locally.

But the online play isn’t the only saving grace of Mario Kart DS. No, the single player experience is full of greatness, jam-packed with more features that your tiny little brain could imagine. Most notably is the fact that there are twice as many courses as Mario Kart usually presents. Sure, half of them are taken from the past games in the series (four each), but that still adds up to an amazing amount of racing. There are also missions this time around, some of them strange, some of them mind-bendingly difficult. To top that off, you’ve got actual bosses. That’s right. Diddy Kong Racing tried and failed, but Mario Kart DS has successfully mixed bosses into the kart racing world. Battle mode, while not available online, has been extended to include eight players rather than the normal four. This may not seem like a huge change, but the games are way more frantic when you’ve got eight people launching shells and bananas at once.

For the hard sell, look at it this way: I’m not a fan at all of racing games, but Mario Kart has always been so accessible that even a guy like me can really get into it. I’d say that Mario Kart DS is the DS game to own, but It’d be pretty redundant, as anyone in their right mind who owns a Nintendo DS has this game. Especially now that it comes bundled with the hot red DS.

~ #2 ~

Killer7

Killer7, how much do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I made a conscious decision when Killer7 was released that I wouldn’t buy it. To this day, I’ve kept that vow, but not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. I would trade all the half-baked Mario spin-offs and impulse buys in my GC library for this single game. Ever since I returned it to Blockbuster video, I wish I’d bought Killer7. I’m probably the last guy on Earth to know anything about love, but I’m pretty sure that when you think about something every day, there’s something pretty significant there.

Killer7 is easily one of the most off-the-wall games ever created. The story is deeper than the Grand Canyon, and intricate enough to confuse even the rocketingest of scientists. Many little bits of the plot are omitted, and the information they do give you is all out of order, so just understanding the story is challenge enough. Then they add a thick layer of highly stylized graphics on top and flesh it all out with some excellent audio, and you’ve definitely got the whole package. Oh, and did I mention that the gameplay rocks too? Yeah, it does. While the game places you on a rail, and only lets you travel backwards and forwards (and change direction at junctions of course), there is still a huge sense of exploration, as the stages are impressively large and contain a great many paths to travel. The core gameplay is shooting, and the fact that your enemies are naturally invisible just makes it that much more exhilarating. A quick scan will bring them into the visible realm, however, and then it’s just a quick draw competition to see if you can cap their weak points before they get to close and make your head a splode.

Killer7 Really has everything a great game needs. It presents fantastic production values, has a story solid enough to compare to Donny Darko, and is just a blast to play. Not to mention that it’s pretty tough, and gets insane on Hard mode. There are a couple unlockable modes too, if the regular game isn’t enough to quench your thirst for excellent gameplay. But there’s no way you’ll walk away from this one disappointed. If you do, you’re lame. And I really need to go pick this one up.

~ #1 ~

Resident Evil 4

Obvious? Yes. Deserving? Totally. If you didn’t see this one coming a mile away, you need to get your eyes checked. Resident Evil 4 brings so many upgrades to the series that it’s almost an entirely different game. You know what? Scratch that. It is an entirely different game.

The original Resident Evil might have been harder than adamantium, but it was a breath of fresh air for those of use who needed something a little different. Nearly every sequel improved on the formula, with the only exceptions being the Gun Survivor spin-offs (which sucked) and the online games (which I can’t judge, cause I haven’t played either). While other sequels and remakes made small improvements here and there, RE4 takes the idea and completely re-moulds it. Tying in only loosely with older games through a couple characters and some mention of previous events, RE4 literally takes you out of the Resident Evil world. No longer are you fighting for survival against zombies in Raccoon city. Now, you’re thrown into a rural European village, where the locals have been consumed by parasites and are out for blood. The static camera is gone, and now you can aim in more directions than straight, up and down. The inventory system is totally reinvented, letting you carry as many items as you can squeeze into your attache case, rather than having to try to get by with 6-8 item slots. Typewriters are still your saving tool, but item boxes are gone, and you’re no longer forced to find seven billion different keys. Bullets are more plentiful than ever now that enemies drop items, but you’ll still manage to run out now and then.

The game all comes together under what might be the best graphics ever and some seriously spooky tunes, and some top-tier voice work. There are plenty of things to keep you occupied should you become tired of the main game, and of course, there’s a hard mode that will have you ripping your hair out. The game was originally released exclusively for the GameCube, but due to it’s immense success (this game most definitely sold more than a few GameCubes), it’s recently been ported to the PS2. One might expect that on a technologically inferior console, Capcom would have had to make some concessions in the graphics department, but as far as I’ve heard it’s as pretty as ever and doesn’t even suffer from slowdown (like the PS2 Killer7 apparently does). Add on a handful of significant extras, and you’re set to impress.


There’s one thing that I have to get through before I finish. Sadly, the list became out-of-date even before I finished it. See, I had it written out to about number seven, and let it fall to the wayside for a couple weeks before I finished up. In that time, I was able to find and obtain Trauma Center, and I played a couple games that I definitely would have put on the list had it not already been decided, namely Prince of Persia: the Two Thrones and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. But alas, the list was intended for games I played in 2005, and those two didn’t come to my attention until 2006. Oh well. Also, it’s really hard to remember all the games I played over the course of the year, so I’m sure there’s at least one deserving title I forgot.

And speaking of deserving titles, some that come immediately to mind include: Jump Superstars (DS), Metal Gear Solid 3 (PS2), Meteos (DS), Kirby Canvas Curse (DS), and shadow of the Colossus (PS2). While many skeptics thought it would die off quickly and made fun of its “small” launch lineup, the DS has had an absolutely mind-blowing year, pumping out all sorts of great games. And with my acquisition of my own PS2, I’ve certainly been exposed to many more games that I would have if I’d stuck it out with only my Nintendos by my side. The more the merrier, you know?

I feel kind of bad that there wasn’t a little more variety on the list, but that’s kind of what you get for playing mostly the same kinds of games, I guess. you’re thinking it, but you should know that I didn’t rate the games on fanboyism alone. No. If that had been the case, there would have been a lot more Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare on it. I picked my games based on either how much time I spent with them, and how much I want to play them when I’m doing something else. Heck, on that latter note alone, Killer7 should have taken first, but I’ve gotta be fair. Seriously. I think about Killer7 and how much I love it all the time. I really should have bought it… In any case, I’ll be keeping a list of games that I play in 2006 so that I’ll have an easier time coming up with the ten best when December rolls around.