Category: /b/

The Supermassive Surprise Cone

Okay. I’m a little hesitant to do this one right now because frankly, I think the surprise bags are losing their luster. I mean, realistically you can only review so many surprise bags before the formula wears thin and the readers see through your guise, work themselves into a rage and hunt you down, behead you and plant your head on a stake out in your front yard as a warning for anyone else trying to pull a similar scam.

But alas! We here at Torrential Equilibrium are devoted to upholding our code of laziness and half-hearted reviews. We also hate that fact that we are such poor typers and have to fix like every second word. It literally doubles article production time to stamp out all those lieks and smoethigns.

But alas again! I’ve gotten off track. Story time, young ones.

A long, long time ago – June 30th of 2006, to be precise – I was in the town of Lac Du Bonnet to attend one “Canada Day Parade and Festival.” The parade was lackluster, to say the least. The average age of the participating people was “deceased” and the various “Miss Whatever” girls were all fat. It wasn’t cool. The festival part was much better, with rides, food, and those horribly addictive carnival games that promise great prizes, but rarely leave you with anything more than an armful of shitty little stuffed animals.

It was only on the way out that I realized that my beloved The Bargain Shop had closed down. It was there that I had acquired many great things, such as Nintendo Surprises and the Dick Turtle surprise bags. I was shocked and hurt. My soul was crushed. I tuned around slowly and dramatically, as if out of a movie. Then I looked up and saw it. It was The Bargain Shop! Only it had been freed of its strip-mall confines and moved into its very own at-least-10x-as-big building! The Gods God was smiling on me that day, and I happily entered the haven that was the huge new The Bargain Shop.

Long story short, I figured I was going to find a new surprise bag of some sort. I bet you figured that too. And if you did, you’d be wrong. Wrong like a guy who thinks metal sucks. ‘Cause metal is awesome.

Yeah. Cone. The Bargain Shop has gotten serious about baiting me with unknown goodies, I think. I mean, not only does it totally blow away the surprise bag in terms of basic visual appeal, but it’s got a lot of other little bells and whistles going for it. For one, it’s gihumongenormous. Comparing it to something everyone can identify with, like a DVD case, might help to show just how big this monster is. I suppose a regular surprise bag would have been the best comparison, but I didn’t have one at the time of taking the pictures.

The other thing that really compelled me to pick up a surprise cone was the price. Five bucks for the thing. Five bucks. It sounds like a total rip-off, and most of me assumed it would be, but a small part of me was completely reassured that the high price tag meant either good stuff inside or at least a shit-ton of crappy stuff. I was clearly more than ready to take my chances. After all, I’ve won several trophies for unnecessary/compulsive spending.

So that’s that, and here we are. I cracked this baby open the day I got home, and the pictures have been sitting on my hard drive collecting cyberdust up until now. It just seemed like such a monumental task, and like I said earlier, me lazy. But now I’ve sat down and begun to write, so I might as well get it all done. Then again, even if I stopped here and came back to it three months later, you’d never know, now would you?

I’m not going to lie. That clown is pretty much freaking me out right now. That indecent look in his eye, the enthusiastic smile, the grabby grabby hands. We all know that this guy is the clown that children have nightmares about. I intended to go down the “this guy’s a pedophile fo shizzle” path, but I really think that those kind of things would best be left to your own sick imaginations. But seriously, I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me and wear my skin like one of those animal scarves you see on rich cartoon women all the time. And then he’d comically set up and play my bones like a xylophone because he saw it on Itchy and Scratchy that one time.

I just noticed that the cone seems to be mostly in French. I mean, yeah, “surprise cone” is English, but it’s only got “bonbon et jouets” all over it. nowhere do we see a satisfying English “candy and toys” exclamation. What if an Anglophone has never seen a surprise bag before and wonders just what the surprise is supposed to be? He’ll probably think there’s a hooker in there or something and the surprise is which STDs she has.

I guess the top that signifies whether its for boys or girls ages three to ten would be kind of a tip-off. Hookers totally aren’t for kids between three and ten. Kids that young just can’t appreciate the wonders that are paying for sex and the trip to the free clinic the next day.

The picture is unacceptably blurry, but you can make out a small football, a styrofoam airplane toy, various stickers and junk. And wonders of wonders! What is that which I spy with my little eye? Could it be… a coozy? I didn’t even notice that one there until I went to open the thing. For various reasons, having a coozy intended for a small child would be like a dream come true. Well, perhaps less magical than that, but it would still be neat. I still have yet to acquire a coozy of any description, and I was certainly hoping the surprise cone could remedy that problem.

Wow. Oh wow. Just… holy freakin’ God. The surprise cone’s gone chocolate starfish. That’s just not appropriate. It’s all a normal cone until you open it and then BAM rusty sheriff’s badge. Seriously. Does anybody see anything other than a paper stink star? Because all I see is a big mudcutter. It’s kinda funny how you see things that unintentionally look like button spiders all over the place. I mean, do you think someone really designed this so that when you open it, it resembles a whale’s eye? Probably not, but it’s both gross and funny at the same time. I’m sure someone has a website devoted to this kind of thing.

…Oh man, I just got the awesomest idea. Heh heh heh. Awesome. Damn, this article just keeps getting more and more inappropriate.

Quite a haul, I might say. Certainly more impressive-looking than the bits of candy and Happy Meal rejects you get in surprise bags. At least, this stuff looks alright at a glance. I’m sure that you’ll agree with me once you’re done that it’s mostly crap. Hell, just look a little closer and you’ll see that it’s mostly crap.

Well then. Caillou, you say? That’s, uh… Well, it’s kind of a toddler thing. I don’t think any self-respecting kid over four years old would really appreciate Caillou. By that time they’ve moved onto whatever shitty battling anime is popular at the time and/or SpongeBob. Seriously. Have you ever watched Caillou? I struggle to imagine that even newborns could find any enjoyment in the show. And they pretty much can’t even think. I suppose that if you’re gonna break balls, it is just a colouring book, and anyone can enjoy a colouring book regardless of associated franchise/theme.

You know what’s the worst part of it all? Now I’ve got a colouring book, but I haven’t got a crayon to colour in it with! Whatever shall I do?

I’ll be damned! It’s Barney, and he’s come to save me from my horrible crayon-free existence! He’s even going to throw a party while he’s at it! Though based on Barney’s audience, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to keep a lookout for that clown from the cone. It’ll be heaven for that freak.

Seriously though, this is crap. Four crayons? What the snap am I going to be able to colour with four crayons? Unless they can change colour at a moment’s notice, I just don’t think they’re going to be cutting any kind of mustard. And of course it’s just the primary colours and green to boot. So if I were to colour Caillou, I’d have to make him either yellow or red, and that wouldn’t be ethnically correct. You can’t imagine the anger I felt when they made The Honeymooners black. Not that I’m racist, but you can’t arbitrarily change an established character’s race. Jackie Gleason was probably rolling over in his grave when they announced that. So the point I’m trying to make is that there’s no way in Hell that I’m going to be turning Caillou into a rice picker or a feather head.

I’ve always hated sour soothers. Not only do I disprove of anything more than noticeably sour, but the product name is a huge oxymoron. Maybe they were shooting for the irony angle, but nothing as sour as these bastards can possibly be soothing. It fills me with unbridled rage. So much so that I don’t even want to talk about them anymore.

On the upside, it’s a foam dart. On the downside, it doesn’t do its job too well. At least, I don’t think so.

The way I see this thing, you put the elastic band on your finger, pull the dart back, and then let ‘er fly. But it usually just crashes into my finger and then dangles there while onlookers laugh and point. But It could very well just be me. I have a bad track record of using hand-powered projectiles such as rubber bands, darts, and boomerangs. The foam dart is clearly no exception.

I’d like to take a little stop here to mention that we’re about halfway through the article. At least as far as pictures go. I don’t know what lies in store for us where a word count is concerned, but unless I think up another relevant story to tell, it’s probably going to wrap up quicker than it started. Of course, I could go all Something Awful and talk about things that are only vaguely related, but I don’t really have the imagination required for that kind of thing. I mean, I guess surprise bags are kind of like Final Fantasy games in that they’ve always got different stuff in them but in essence they’re all the same, and even though they all kinda suck I keep playing them. But I don’t think I could draw that out for three and a half paragraphs.

So now that I’ve buffed up my word count quite nicely, it’s back to reviewing this surprise cone. Which is not at all like Street Fighter, because Street Fighter is always awesome.

They weren’t old like most surprise bag candy (at least, not as old, the date says 2004), but the Juicy Drop chews were pretty bad. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that all candy starts to taste like dust after so long, because that’s what always seems to happen, at least in my experience. The juicy centers were tasty, but the chewy outside was about as delicious as licking a shelf you haven’t dusted in a decade. Not cool. Not quite as new as the package would have liked me to believe, I guess.

Oh look! It’s a semi-clear plastic cup! And it’s got the word “GLO” on the side, so logic would denote that it must glow in the dark. Not bothering to read the rest of the label for specifics, I let it sit under the light for a while and then turned said light off. The cup did not glow. I was angered and threw the cup at the wall to spite it. It bounced and hit me in the head. I probably should have kept that bit to myself.

While I was “charging” the GLO cup, I rummaged through what was left of the surprise cone’s innards. It was then that I found the number one coolest thing ever found in a surprise bag (bar anything from the Nintendo Surprises): the styrofoam airplane. I could regale you with stories of how many of these things I bought as a kid, but that would take up a lot more time than you want to spend listening to my jibba-jabba. Foo.

So anyhow, I had a farkload of these planes back in my day. Not all at once, of course. The things are made of styrofoam, after all. This is their weakpoint, and will often lead to massive damage incurred by little boys playing a bit too rough. sometimes they don’t even make it past the building stage, when said little boys get frustrated that the wings won’t go in as easily as they assumed and end up crushing the thing in a fit of rage. Sometimes I still cry at night, thinking about my poor styrofoam planes and how they never really had a chance at life, being thoroughly crushed by pudgy, cotton candy-stained fingers. I am slightly comforted by the fact that these planes haven’t changed at all since my childhood. Even the packaging is designed the exact same way. In a world that is so unstable and constantly changing, it’s nice to know that some things will always stay the same.

I’m not currently sure where this particular plane ended up. A quick scan of my surroundings confirms that maybe I should turn the lights on, but the light switch is like halfway across the room, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting up.

I was perplexed by the strange object. I turned to myself and asked

“What the Snuckey is this?”

“I couldn’t tell you, buddy” I replied nonchalantly.

“Do you think it has anything to do with that dumb cup?”

“Probably, but I really don’t care.”

So guess what. I was a little off about the whole glowing cup deal. Turns out the cup itself isn’t s’posed to glow, but you’ve gotta pop these dumb glowsticks into the rim on the bottom. Yeah, dumb. And they’re those lame snappy ones that all the losers bring to their lame rave parties. Ugh. Just having these things in my possession makes me feel so inferior.

Yep. It worked. Whoo. Fascinating, isn’t it. Can we move on yet?

Aww, it’s a cute widdle penguin weeble! But what an odd pose for a weeble. Facing upward… that makes no sense. But wait! What is this?

Ye gads! It’s not a weeble, it’s a marker! A marker concealed ingeniously within a weeble! Airport security would never see it coming! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Well I don’t know what else to say about the penguin marker/weeble. it’s yellow, which makes it undesirable and impractical. I guess you could use it as a highlighter, but if you’re going to be toting it around, the penguin shape doesn’t lend itself very well to the task. I like it as a decoration, but beyond that it’s pretty useless. The second best thing in the cone by far, but only because it’s too adorable to dispose of. Even that’s cut really close too, just look at the sloppy-ass paint job. It’s a little disheartening, to say the least.

Thankfully, that’s the end of that little endeavor. Not that I don’t appreciate the styrofoam plane and the penguin weeble/marker, but having to slog through the rest of that crap to get to them wasn’t easy. Or enjoyable. Particularly the candy. At least the candy in some surprise bags is so terrible that it warrants discussion on its own. The crap in this one was just plain boring. And shitty. I mean seriously, who the snap like sour stuff? It’s all about spicy, my friends. If it’s not pastry or it doesn’t cause a ring of fire, it’s not worth eating, I say.

I would also like to mention that my youngest brother also bought a surprise cone. The only actual surprise came from the fact that we both got the exact same junk. Okay, to be fair we got planes with different designs, but that just barely counts. So, you know, if you see a surprise cone that looks the same as this one out there somewhere, don’t even bother looking twice. I bet they’re all the same, and the only difference is that the girl cone has a toy pony or something instead of a plane. The dart is probably still in the girl cone too. While it may be intended to be a toy weapon, I’m sure girls could find some way to appreciate it. Please excuse me for that, it slipped my mind for a moment that these things are meant for three-to-ten year olds, and as such, that innuendo there is totally inappropriate. It’s totally awesome if you imagine Marisa Miller buying it though.

In conclusion, the surprise cone was totally not worth five bucks. I normally don’t mind spending a dollar on a surprise bag for a cheap thrill, but five for this load of junk? I don’t think so. The plane alone would have only run me like 50 cents, and I could have lived my life without the penguin markeeble. It’s a sham and a half, that’s what it is.

As a thrilling epilogue to my story, I should note that there was a lot of other great stuff in the new The Bargain Shop like boxes of salt water taffy for 50 cents and all-day suckers. There’s awful computer games and movies just itching to be reviewed too, but my The Bargain Shop budget was pretty much shot by the surprise cone. It’s a mistake I will be sure never to make again. Until they redesign the cone and I’m fooled into thinking it’s a new cone, allured by the possibility that this new one might contain a coozy, and then when I get home and open it and see that it’s all the same junk at which point my eyes fill with liquid rage and I snap and take down as many people with me as I can. That’ll be the day…

TE Reviews 6 Indie PC Games

Here we go again. More Goddamned video games. You must be getting pretty damned sick of these things by now. Well that’s too ding-dong bad for you, because I’m gonna be doing video game reviews until Torrential Equilibrium goes belly up!

That little foreplay all said and done, there’s a small twist to today’s video game review. This review is actually six reviews. Six reviews of six different independently-developed PC games. These aren’t your regular PC games like Doom or The Sims. No, these were made by students, tiny companies, and dudes with nothing better to do. All have garnered at least a little internet fame, so you know they’re gonna be good. Maybe. A couple are really out there, and I can’t guarantee you’ll like them all, but make sure to give ’em all a try, at least. Because I like them all. After all, how many articles are written about things I don’t like. The answer is: More than I care to count, but I’m pretty sure it’s less than ten.

Oh yeah, and I’m not entirely sure if “indie” is the proper word to be using here, but there isn’t really any better word to use, so imma run with it.

Our first game comes courtesy of Studio Pixel. To be completely honest, I actually found out about this company on Last.FM. Odd, no?

Anyhow, this game is called “Glasses” and is about as complex as a Game & Watch title (on the surface…). As the little man, your job is to catch the falling glasses with your face. The better aligned the glasses are with your giant head, the more points you score. You even get a bonus point if you get a jump catch. It works in three “heats,” so to speak. Each time, the pair of glasses falls a little quicker, and at the end, your points are totaled and you get a comment based on how well you do.

And that’s pretty much the extent of the game. It literally takes about a minute to play. So why do I choose it to review? Maybe because I don’t have to exert any effort to get it done? Nope! I choose it because as simple as it is, I found it damn addictive. Seriously. If you’re anything like me, you’ll play it over and over again until you have a perfect score, and then keep playing it over and over again because it’s rather fun for a game that doesn’t really amount to anything more than a minor distraction. And I do recommend that you keep playing until you get a perfect score (or at least 30 of a possible 33), not only because some of the comments are slightly funny, but also because there’s a little something for those talented enough to do really well… I won’t spoil it, but it is pretty wicked sweet.

High recommendation for this one, not only because it’s a fun little distraction, but also because the music is just as kickass as the gameplay. Possibly even moreso. You can find the English version on this page (god knows there isn’t much to translate) or since it’s so damned small, download it directly from me.

The second game on my list is another less-than-complicated title called Seiklus. I’d made by some dude who goes by the name of clysm. I found this one thanks to the “101 free games” article that 1up.com ran some time ago.

Seiklus is a very simple game. You play as a little white guy, and you pretty much jump and climb around the world. There aren’t any real enemies to deal with, and obstacles don’t hurt you or anything, so you don’t really have to worry about anything. The game is really just based around exploring and adventure.

So what purpose does the adventuring serve? Well, there’s a small cutscene at the beginning, in which your little guy gets knocked off his star(?) and separated from his supposed girlfriend. He then lands in a grassy field, and so begins the quest. So I’m assuming that your objective is to return to the star. But there’s a snag. You’ve gotta collect these multi-coloured bubbles to open a door, which I assume leads home. I haven’t been able to find all the bubbles yet, so I’m not entirely sure. There’s a second door as well, but I have no idea what that one’s for. There are also a handful of little “artifacts” scattered all over the place, which seem to have special effects of some sort.

Overall, the game has a very peaceful way about it, just letting you explore where you want when you want. It doesn’t really force you to do anything, and the map is pretty huge, with many different paths to take. The places you wind up are pretty varied, and the few events that take place are kinda neat. Plus, since I haven’t finished it yet, you can tell that it’s not as easy as it is laid-back. Sure, I’ve only logged in about three hours max, but people have flown through Metroid Prime in two hours. There’s some kind of logic in there somewhere, but I can’t be bothered to try to explain it.

the graphics are rather plain, but I doubt the game would be as charming with any more detail. Besides, there are some neat little effects here and there. The music also fits it to a tee, working very well with each area. I think the best way to describe it is “Earthbound meets Relentless.” But then again, I doubt many of you have ever played the awesome game that is Relentless. I’d review it, but I don’t have a computer old enough to run it…

Like Glasses, I totally recommend this one. You’ll need a little more free time to fully enjoy this one, but there’s a handy save feature, so you don’t have to get it all done in one run. Though you likely will if you’ve got the time to spare. This one can really suck you in. Download it here.

I learned about the next game from one of my new favourite blogs. While he was more talking about the game that will be included with Half-Life Episode 2, Portal, he linked to a similar game called Narbacular Drop, which was apparently the base idea for Portal. Obviously, I downloaded.

Simply put, I very much liked what I got. While Narbacular Drop is a DigiPen student project, meaning it’s rather short, it’s an incredible game. Hell, it’s an incredible experience.

So what’s the game all about? You play as a princess who’s been captured by a demon. With the help of some Mountain God or something, you can create doors in the walls of a room that link to each other. It’s a little hard to explain, but I’ll try. Assume you put one door on the north wall of a room, and one on the south. If you were to walk into one, you would come out the other. Well, maybe that wasn’t so hard after all. It’s pretty simple, but it’s enough to keep you entertained for a long time. Just the idea of being able to bend space is pretty enticing, I think. The ways that the level designers used the ability in the various rooms is pretty good, and there are a good handful of traps to avoid and puzzles to solve before you escape the dungeon.

The graphics are clearly the best of any game in this feature, not quite current-gen quality, but definitely a few steps above the N64/PS1 era. Textures are nicely done and put Super Mario Sunshine to shame, but the lava is unconvincing to say the least. There’s only like two music tracks in the whole game, and I can’t say that I can recall whether they were any good or not. But that’s not the point! Defying the laws of the universe is more than enough to satisfy me!

so yeah. Narbacular Drop pretty much rocks, and you can bet that I’ll be getting me some Half-Life Episode 2 just for Portal. You can check out the ND website and download the game here. High recommendation in this corner.

I was aiming to get games from five different sources, but that seems impossible now. Game number four is another Studio Pixel effort, and easily their most popular offering. Play it and you’ll see just why.

Cave Story is very much the same as Glasses in some ways, and very different in other ways. The main similarities would be the graphics and music. The game is drawn in a style that resembles maybe a GameBoy Colour at best, but exudes enough personality and charm that it really doesn’t need to look any better. The music is also pretty aged, but entirely awesome. There’s even a little jingle when you pick up power-ups that will bring back memories of Metroid.

And speaking of Metroid, Cave Story is not quite, but very close to being Metroidvania. (For the uninformed, “Metroidvania” refers to a game with open-ended exploration, where gaining power-ups gives you access to new areas. Like the Metroid series or any of the more recent Castlevania games, hence Metroidvania.) This is where it differs ever so greatly from Glasses. You’ve got a whole world to explore, treasures to find, secrets to uncover, and a plot to follow. And the best part of all, you play as an adorable little robot!

So basically what we’ve got here is run, jump and shoot. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best kind of game. As I mentioned, you’re a little robot, and you wind up having to stop some demented Doctor. HOLD TEH FONE IS MEGAMANS! Well, not quite. I won’t spoil the story or anything though. Along the way, you’ll acquire a sizeable collection of weapons and power-ups, navigate many, many tunnels, and go up against some monstrous bosses.

I don’t have much else to say. I could start rambling and go into heavy detail about everything, but I think we’d all prefer if I didn’t. the final word though, is that Cave Story is a very sweet game, and God damn you’re missing out if you’re wasting your time reading this instead of playing it. Go download it right now. Or maybe later, when you’ve got some free time. Either way is fine with me, really.

Ooh! And one last little tip for if you do actually go play it. Once you find the machine gun, get it to level 3, then jump and shoot downwards. You’ll never have to worry about anything again!

Another game that was brought to my attention by 1up‘s “101 Free games” article, Akuji the Demon is another great little title that you’ll find looming around on the internet. I have no idea who this comes from, as I have no understanding of crazy-speak (Japanese), but that matters very little in the long run.

I talked about Cave Story fitting more or less into the Metroidvania sub-genre, and Akuji the Demon is a definite Metroidvania title. It’s all about exploring the game world, searching for your next power-up/ability. The only real difference is that you collect a number of crystal skulls to increase your life, rather than simple energy tanks or the like. Now I love Metroidvania titles more than pretty much anything, so I’m very happy with this title. The graphics are pixely, colourful and cute, and are rather entertaining. Just look at little Akuji! Whee! The music sounds like they just stole some midis from RPG Maker ’95, which is sad, but it’s something I got over pretty quickly.

I have little to no idea what the game is about, since it’s all in symbol-babble and I didn’t bother to find the translation patch (though it does exist out there somewhere). This was kind of a good thing, because I had to experiment every time I got a new item because I couldn’t read the help signs which would tell me what to do.

While the gameplay is pretty spectacular, there are some huge issues with the game. And when I say huge, I mean “you’ll get frustrated a little by them.” Firstly, you can’t change direction while jumping. This is a pain in the ass, especially if you’ve got a tendency to overshoot smaller platforms like I do. Secondly, the game is real short. To be fair, all of the games in this article are rather short, but you kind of expect more than an hour of gameplay from a game like Akuji. At least Cave Story takes between two and three.

In the end, though, Akuji the Demon is a darn fine game, and I recommend giving it a go. It’s not quite as awesome as Cave Story or as novel as Narbacular Drop, but it should do the trick. Go here and hit the second download link to, well, download it. You might also want to do a search for the translation patch, as I’m damn well not going to go find it for you.

I feel like kind of a sellout adding a Flash game onto this list, but we’ll consider it a special consideration, for reasons I don’t feel like explaining. In any case, I’m very, very hooked on Motherload. It’s no surprise either, because it comes from the same team that made Defend Your Castle (My all-time favourite Flash game), XGen Studios.

Simply put, the game is about mining for treasure. You’re a little digging… thing… on the surface of (what they call) Mars, and your task is to dig into the planet and unearth its precious minerals. Like so many games in this article, it’s simple. It’s damned addictive too. You know why? Because they put in little “cut-scenes” when you get so far down, and if you’re like me, you just have to know what happens at the next target depth.

But getting down there isn’t as easy as holding the down key. Nope, you’ve got fuel, armour, and a treasure hold to deal with, as well as about a half-dozen different hazards. When you bring minerals back to the surface, you get cash rewards depending on how valuable the goods are. With this cash, you refuel, fix up your hull, and… wait for it… BUY UPGRADES! Yes, that’s right. You get to buy upgrades for your little digger. Now you know exactly why I’ve been playing this game obsessively for the last week. If there are upgrades to be bought, I will buy them. That’s precisely why I don’t play MMORPGs.

Anyway, assuming you manage to play long enough to save up for all the best upgrades (which takes for-friggin’-ever) and reach the max depth (there’s got to be one, right?) you’ll probably quit playing. I can’t imagine you’d want to put yourself through that a second time. The first time isn’t overly fun, really, it’s just the burning desire to collect the best everything that’ll keep you going after about ten minutes. I hate speaking against it, but the truth must be told. It just doesn’t have anywhere near as much raw fun power as Defend Your Castle.

Besides that little hiccup, I still suggest you try it out. If you’ve got the lust for power-ups, you’ll love it. If not, well, ten minutes. Max. Maybe twenty if you’re bored. Luckily, it does have a save feature if you do end up going back, so as long as you don’t destroy your cookies or that junk, you won’t lose your hard work. Also, since it’s a Flash game, there’s no need to download it! Lucky!

And that pretty much sums it all up. I know there are tons more games out there on the net, and maybe some are more deserving of being seen here (I can list a couple), but I’ve made my choices. I’m sticking with ’em, too. If you didn’t know, I had the first five reviews up on the blog, so sticking them in article form is a little redundant since I keep all my blog archives. Of course, there’s no reason you shouldn’t know that. Unless it’s like 2007 and you just stumbled onto this site and haven’t read the blog archives. Then it’s okay not to know. End.

TE’s Hat Collection!

I’m not really one for the world of fashion. Hell, most straight men aren’t. I usually don’t bother with much other than a t-shirt and jeans, but there is one type of accessory that I simply adore. Hats. Yes, hats. I’ve always been quite fond of wearing hats of all shapes and sizes. Sadly, my head is gigantic, so most of the time I look silly with a hat on. So I took that to my advantage, and now I’ve become quite an avid collector of silly hats.

Well, maybe not so much a collector, but I do have a penchant for acquiring unusual headwear.

You know who else wears a wide variety of hats? Kirby. And there are even more similarities than that between me and the little pink marshmallow. See, when Kirby puts on a new hat, it bestows him a power that is somehow represented by that hat. My hats have similar qualities, only slightly less fantastic. My hats don’t make me a master swordsman or allow me to breathe fire. No, those abilities are constant.

That’s far more than enough of a preface, don’t you think? Yes, I’ve rambled a bit too much, so let’s get on to the hats already!

The cowboy hat

The first hat is the cowboy hat. This cowboy hat actually used to belong to my dad, but it was handed down to me a couple years ago after I expressed how much I enjoyed wearing it. Sadly, it spends the bulk of its time as a decoration rather than as a hat.

The cowboy hat not only gives me the skill to wrangle various types of cattle and ride bulls with the best of them, but it also does an excellent job of bringing out my inner shirtless hunky cowboy. This trait is key in scoring with hot models and your mom.

The plastic top hat

I’ve always wanted a top hat. I’ve made it clear to everyone I’ve come in contact with in my whole life ever at least once. While I’ve yet to get my hands on a real top hat, a couple years ago my mom decided that it would be funny to get me a plastic top hat for New Year’s. The thought was appreciated, but the plastic top hat was thrown to the wayside soon after the event. Now it is used mainly as a bucket that holds my bank statements and crayons.

The plastic top hat is a favourite of Party Ryan, though it is still only used on very drunk occasions. It provides me with the power to be funny and to ring in the new year with a plastic hat. Then again, the funny might just be a side effect of the booze.

The novelty pimp hat

This hat is probably the least original of the bunch, being a dime a dozen. Or… 24 dollars a dozen, given the fact that the carnival games that you win these hats cost like two bucks a play. At any given carnival/amusement park, you’ll likely see folks young and old sporting these hats en masse.

This hat affords me no extra ability, as my pimpin’ skillz are as top notch as they’re gonna get.

The adventure hat

Also known as “the fedora” and “the Indiana Jones hat”, the adventure hat has a very special place in my heart. I bought it during my latest trip to Walt Disney World, and it is the only hat I wear day-to-day. While a fedora is usually reserved for old men, I think it suits me quite well, and it matches with my sweet suede jacket.

The adventure hat’s effect is a little more subtle than most. It enhances my adventuring and relic-finding skills to near god-like levels. Like the cowboy hat, it also adds to my innate studliness, though the effect is slightly less than that of the cowboy hat.

Bonus!

As a neat little extra, apply aviator glasses and a goatee to the mix and BAM! you’re Adam Savage. The illusion is seamless.

The reindeer antlers

Alright, I’ll level with you; the antlers aren’t really mine. We bought them for my dogs to wear, but they turned out to be too big for the dogs’ tiny little noggins. Obviously, it was a big small to get around my enormous cranium.

As the antlers aren’t mine, nor are they even intended for human use, they don’t induce any special effects.

The horns

Okay smartasses, make your greenhorn jokes now and get it over with. The horns were purchased before one Halloween because I had no costume ideas and I was pretty much picking up anything I could to make a hodgepodge of novelty items.

The horns don’t do a whole lot, really. Their main use is making small children afraid and cry. Everything else is simply aesthetic.

The X-Buster

It was ten bucks okay. You know I’ll buy anything with MegaMan stamped on it.

The X-buster, to sum it up quickly, doesn’t do a whole lot when placed on my head. It most certainly doesn’t summon seagulls like I hoped it would. When placed on my hand, however, it allows me to fire small foam darts with almost no accuracy or power.

The mask

A treasured construction toy of my past, I discovered that I still had my bucket of ZAKS only a scant few years ago. While fooling aroud with them, I also discovered that most of the manual was intact. And what was the coolest thing in the manual? The ZAKS mask of course. It looks kind of like a gorilla head from the right angle.

The ZAKS mask, like the horns, does an excellent job scaring small children. Other effects include making people think I’m really smart because I was able to fashion an entire helmet (including a removable neck protector) out of triangles and squares.

The Dallas Cowboys cap

This hat actually used to/might still belong to my dad, but I do wear it from time to time, when the adventure hat seems like a little too much. I’m pretty sure it’s mine though, because he has another hat and never wears this one.

This hat grants me the special ability to look like I play far more sports than I do. It’s useful for getting into the pants of those girls who only like jocks. When paired with sunglasses, it also allows me look a lot older, possibly even enabling me to pass for a slightly shorter version of my dad. These abilities do wonders for camouflauge in populated areas.

The Bomber Bolts

The foam novelty accessories are a staple of sporting events, and I’m not the kind to not jump on every bandwagon that passes by. The cliché giant foam hand was my first pick, but since it wans’t available, I had to go with the headpiece. Unfortunately, I’d outgrown it long ago, and now I can’t get it on my head without fear of tearing it in half.

The main effect of the bolts is making me holler like an animal while watching the game. Also notable is that they change people’s opinion of you based on how well the Bombers are doing in the current season.

The Conan

So it’s not a hat. Big deal. I’m including it and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not a perfect replica of the Conan, but it’s as close as my hair is ever gonna get. It’s pretty similar to “the Steve” as well, it’s just parted differently.

While sporting this “do”, I don’t gain the daywalker traits of Conan O’Brien, but it certainly does attract attention.

And that concludes the list of my hats and the various abilities I gain while wearing them. Maybe one day when I’ve collected more hats, I shall show those off as well, but for now this is all.

You look so good in blue

Here’s the official site of The UK’s premier newspaper “The Sun“. You’re probably thinking something like “Why would anyone want to check out a site about a newspaper?”. The answer is simple: Page 3!. That’s why!

Couldn’t help myself. I read Mike’s post today and couldn’t resist a parody promoting boobs. Here’s more for those disappointed with that link (boring chicks).

“Where’s Waldo” movie trailer

Best. Blog. Ever.

XE in Disney: Part 3

Inside The Gamer’s Studio

I’m droppin’ plates on your ass, bitch

I finally got around to checking out last week’s Potoshop Phriday, and I nearly burst laughing at this particular submission…

Yeah, I know. I’m a huge nerd.

So last week I watched Hostel. Frankly, I was quite disappointed. To be fair, I guess I was just expecting too much. I mean, there was plenty of gore and flinchy moments, but to tell the truth, it was rather boring. The whole first half of the movie was establishing plot and whatnot, and by the time it got to the good stuff, I had already picked up my DS and was halfway immersed in New Super Mario Bros. Like I said, I was expecting a lot, and it just couldn’t live up to the magnificent movie I had imagined. I don’t want to completely badmouth it though, because it was pretty fucking depraved and bloody, and I was quite pleased with that much. The characters were pretty flimsy for how much time they tried to spend building them up, and as such you really don’t care who dies or not. That, I think, was what really ruined it for me, because I like having someone to root for. On the upside, a bunch of kids beat a man’s skull in with a rock at one point, and that was pretty cool. I also watched The Hills Have Eyes, and that was an awesome movie in all respects. More on that one some other day though.

Spring is nice in Canada

Two notes for today. Firstly, I changed my main banner. Those of you who already got it probably have a little more respect for me, for those of you who don’t get it, I saw The Boondock Saints yesterday. It was a fricking awesome movie. The banner won’t be permanent, but it needed to be changed up a little. I think this one gets it all across: truth, justice, and humour.

The second note is for those who read the Mate1 article. In the end, I did end up getting some feedback from someone who read my profile and Googled TE. I’m sure more is yet to come, but right now, I’m simply ecstatic that my plan worked. Take THAT, Mate1. Ryan = win.

Lastly, anyone who’s come here because you read my Mate1 profile, my e-mail address is on the bottom of the sidebar. I assume that’s what you’re here for. Just keep in mind this one thing: no fat chicks.

Why don’t you go home?

I’ve been getting Weebl and Bob update e-mails for a couple years now, and I’d never read even one of them. Hell, I haven’t even been to the site in like a year. But yesterday I did read my update e-mail, and it paid off big time. Turns out they were holding a Fancy Dance competition over on Weebl’s Stuff, and boy is it worth checking out. The first entry is clearly my favourite, and the Santa Bear in the fourth is just too much. Hilarious stuff. I hope linking to this will help distract you from what a bad article I wrote this week.

TE’s mortal enemy – The Boyfriend

If spending the better part of my life playing video games and watching TV has taught me anything, it’s that everyone everywhere has a nemesis. A mortal enemy, a lifelong foe, a not-so-friendly rival. It wasn’t many years ago though, that I realized that I had no such foe. I thought about it a little and after some research, found that everyone I knew did (at that point in time at least) have a rival of their own. This made me feel a bit left out, and it was really getting me down.

There was clearly only one solution: find my own enemy. But who could this person be? I was pretty sure that you don’t just point out your mortal enemy as the next person that walks by. It couldn’t possibly be that simple. Sadly, after a many great yet failed attempts at earning myself an enemy, I was left right back were I started, with nothing but friends. I was beginning to feel that it was hopeless and that nobody would ever dislike me. So for the time being, I gave up the chase and forgot about it. It was the only way I could press on and live a close-to-normal life.

Little did I know that only years later, I would not only encounter my mortal enemy, but I would also learn that having my own foe is not all the fun it’s cracked up to be. No, as fate would have it, I was matched with a rival that is not only competent, but even smarter, handsomer, and (somehow) more charming than me as well. Enter: the boyfriend.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’ve probably all encountered this enigma of a person at least once before. He does well in letting the rest of the world know that he’s a conniving little asshole, so you’ve probably taken a bit of a disliking to him. Amplify that disliking by a hundred trillion jillions and you’ve got how much I hate him. Just think of it this way: he doesn’t even harbour any real hatred toward you. He’s my mortal enemy, and that just makes it that much worse for me.

The boyfriend is a cheeky little bastard, never failing to get in my way and keep me from my goals. He slips in unnoticed and then once my guard is down he appears and serves me a big plate of defeat, often turning others against me during the process. He seems to always be two steps ahead of me, and I’ll never be able to understand just how he does it. It’s not like he follows me around to learn where he needs to be ahead of me next. Besides, even if he did, I always keep any information that he might use against me to myself. It’s all stored in my head, I never write anything down, and rarely even talk to others about such things. But the fact that he still manages to one-up me at every turn can only lead to one conclusion: he’s psychic.

This could cause me my biggest problem yet, because there’s no way you can beat a psychic rival. They know every move you’re going to make, and there’s no way you can stop them. I looked up information on psychics, and since the world is pretty convinced that they don’t exist (fools), there was no listed way to defeat the crafty bastards. I, as resourceful and brilliant a chap as I am, have only been able to come up with two possible solutions for this problem. Since he bases his strategy on learning my thoughts and getting one step ahead of me, the best option would be to think things that will throw him off the trail. That way, I can keep the boyfriend from getting ahead of me and charming others into working against me.

The only other option for me is to… wait. You’re probably reading this now, aren’t you Mr. Boyfriend? Well I may have slipped up and revealed one of my plans to usurp your position, but I’ll not be foolish enough to type the other. Ryan never makes the same mistake twice. Not in one day. Your jig is up, you big smelly doo-doo head. I’ve got the key to nullifying your psychic advantage, and once I work on my people skills, you’ll have very little to hold over me. I will become the better of us, and then I’ll never be defeated at your hands again. Your days of taking everything that should rightfully be mine are over.

The boyfriend has proven to be a worthy enemy, and to this point has made me almost regret ever wishing for a rival of my own. While I detest him for all his victories over me, I do appreciate that my losses have taught me to be more aware of him, since his sneakiness has been key to his victories. I don’t know what the future has in store, but I warn the rest of you to be careful. Once I do find the key to defeating him, he will most likely find that I’m too good an opponent for him, and he may move on to haunt another poor individual. All I can say is to keep your guard up, and make sure you have a widespread intelligence network so that you can keep tabs on his dealings at all times.