Category: Foodstuffs

Month-end wrap-up

Ah, the end of November is upon us, and it’s both excellent and tragic.

Bad news first, eh? Well, seems I failed to complete two articles per month during October and November, as I expected might happen. The drive just isn’t there. But I did add a lot of little things in October, and I was pretty blog-happy during this last month, so it all kind of evens out.

So then why’s the end of November excellent? Simple: it means the beginning of December, and bar the snow and cold, December is an awesome month. Firstly, it’s holiday time. While the world is now almost entirely non-specific about it, I’m getting psyched about Christmas already, and with the Xmas comes the themed goods. I’ve got an article almost ready to go up (should be done tomorrow), and it’s gonna kick off the TE Christmas season. I don’t know how many seasonal articles I’ll do, but there will be at least this one and the yearly Xmas haul overview. It all depends on how much red and green coloured crap I get my hands on. Chances are also good that we’re going to be seeing some sweet Nintendo Wi-Fi action here pretty soon, so there’s gonna be that to write about too. My brother’s really spearheading that operation, and even though I tried to resist the Mario Kart, he’s had his way with my self-control and well… Tony Hawk’s American Sk8Land is also a must-have, but that can wait for now. I think that’s everything that needed to be said. You might also see some minor changes in the main page’s colour scheme, but that’s just a “possible, not probable” at this point.

Sowing the seeds of boredom

You know what’s cool? This is almost perfectly accurate as far as what goes through my mind during a day. Especially the Lucky Charms bit. You have no idea how often I forget the Lucky Charms jingle and spent hours trying to remember it. And who would put Reese Witherspoon at #100 on a list of 100 girls you want to sleep with? She’s gotta be at the very least around 15 to 20. In any case, it’s kind of a relief to know I’m not the only one who has entire conversations with my brain.

I’ve been thinking about buying webspace lately. It’s become a serious thought, even though my site has no visitors and such a venture would end up being a huge waste of money. But first, I need a domain name. And while I’m currently drowning in options of webhosts and domain name providers, I have a much more troubling conundrum. What should I use as my domain name? I seriously have no idea. “Torrentialequilibrium.com” would be too long and hard to spell (sadly, many of my friends are horrible spellers), and I don’t really want to use my name at all. It’s a very important decision that will require much thought and many opinions. This would be a question well suited to be posted at a certain message board, but alas, said message board is long dead.

Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Something about a rainbow, then a red balloon. I’m sure an internet query would solve my dilemma for good, but then I’d have one less thing to do with my free time.

In case you’re wondering about today’s slightly-more-random-than-usual post, I’ve decided to stay up all night, and anything that passed through my mind that I deem important will end up here.

To answer another question that may be floating around in your noggin, yes, I do actually have a day planner where I’ve written down what I should be doing with the site each day for a couple weeks in advance. Currently it’s just a text file, but someday I hope to acquire some piece of technology that will be able to perform a similar function.

I don’t know how this will go over, but I’ve come up with a new genius scheme to attract more visitors. It came to me a while back when I linked to the Sneeze and I checked my referrers page to see that he had visited my site from his referrers page. So for the next however long, I will be making regular plugs to various sites in hopes that their webmasters will check my own. This will work as long as you make sure to click on any link I post. And I promise that no more of them will lead to anything potentially scarring. Sheer idiocy, or pure genius? You make the call.

Lastly, I’ve signed up for a deviantART account… thing. It’s a lot easier to upload stuff there than it is to add to my handmade galleries. Oh, right. The link. There’s also one on the sidebar.

The Super Article – Triple Surprise Bags!

It’s here, everyone! The “Super-Article” I’ve been teasing you about is finally upon us! And it’s not so super after all! Ha ha! You’ve all been duped and I am a genius. Hey, why don’t we just forget about all my attempted hype and get to the article. Yeah, it’s about surprise bags. You all love them, so here’s a really big article about them with big pictures, some package scans, and even a video. This is gonna be the best article ever!

The surprise bags are getting to be sort of a mainstay on the ol’ site, and I’m thinking that they’re gonna be sticking around for quite some time to come. I mean, they’re easy to review, and there’s always a cornucopia of interesting stuff inside ’em. Movies are tougher to review (at least for me) and video games usually end up being way too similar to one another, so surprise bags are a good alternative.

The only problem is reviewing the same kind of surprise bag. See, the first time you do one, you’ve got the bag and stuff to review as well as the contents, but the second time, you’ve gotta skip the bag or paraphrase what you said last time. Course, you could always think up new stuff to say, but that’s aside from my point. It’s time to bust out a new type of surprise bag. We’ve seen the legendary Nintendo Surprise and Dick Turtle has spawned two articles, now you will tremble in fear as I introduce the Surprise Sac Bag!!

Yeah, I know. It’s really just Surprise Bag. But some fools out there who don’t know French might be confused into thinking that it’s actually called a Sac Bag. Though really, “sac” should have a “k” at the end, but I’m just reaching now. And it’s only been three and a half paragraphs so far. So now that I’m off to a terrible start, let’s take a look at some package scans! The most logical place to start would be the front of the bag. So there it is. Time to do some reviewin’.

Well, this one’s got a clown on it. Not quite as cool as Nintendo characters, and not nearly as inconsistent as Dick Turtle, but he certainly fits the bill. I think. I mean, clowns are known for entertaining kids, and the bag is for kids and stuff. So it works out. It also makes sure we know that the bag contains toys and candy by having it printed on the bag a thousand times. There are even a several spinning tops pictured on the bag, so I’m hoping that I get me a spinnin’ top. I love them tops. But I don’t love TopMan. Particularly TopMan.EXE. Stupid old geezer.

The back of the bag is just as eventless as the front, and maybe even a bit less entertaining. Among the few bits of information we can glean from the back, we noticed that this particular line of surprise bags is produced in Quebec. Later on, you’ll find that the origin of the contents of the bag might be a little more… overseas. Anywho, the back also sports ingredient lists (which would help show that the edible contents are standardized) and a Nutrition Facts box. There is no nutrition in candy, so it’s really just showing how much sugar is in the stuff. Yeah. Asinine, I know. But it’s standard protocol, I guess.

But enough of that crap. There’s nothing on the back to talk about. So let’s see what’s inside this baby.

Notice immediately the lack of spinning top. I am both disappointed and filled with rage. But there is quite a bit of interesting looking crap there, so we’ll take a closer look and find out just what’s going down. That big red bubble thing is just calling out to me.

First up we’ve got a buncha candies. The package says that they’re called “Chik”. Stange name for a candy. A little too strange if you ask me. They seem to be produced by a company called Gomy, but this Gomy is an elusive fellow. I searched and searched, but the best I could come up with is this. Elusive indeed. Perhaps they should rather be called… um… I don’t know. But to get back to the candy, the Chiks are actually gum rather than candy. They’re not too bad, and have a surprising longevity as far as retaining flavour goes. The downside being that not only do they resemble cinderblocks in shape, but also in toughness. My teeth would have probably been better off if I were chewing on a brick.

Wow. Just looking at it makes me think of the good times. I don’t know why, though, because this round lump of plastic is like the biggest mystery I’ve never solved. It’s got a ring stuck into one end, so I’m guessing that it’s supposed to go on your finger or something. But that’s about as far as I get. It might be some kind of very low-budget water squirting device, but it doesn’t lend itself very well to being squashed. Hell, it could even be part of some group of objects that were split up and placed in random surprise bags to be spread around the world and then collected and assembled to grant you a wish or something. No, wait. That’s a Dragon Ball. Damn. So much for my lead.

If you have any idea whatsoever of what this doodad might be, I urge you to send me any information you might have. Not knowing what this thing is will plague me until the end of time! I request your aid for the greater good! Or something like that. Until then, I’ll just go around sporting a bulbous hunk of plastic on my finger in hopes that some passerby will be able to identify it for me.

These, my friends, are Gestitos. While it sounds similar, they are not in fact tiny burritos. Rest assured, the world weeps right along with you. What they are is… well, foreign hard candy. While I can’t find anything at all about the candy, according to a Google search, “Gestito” seems to be some sort of Spanish slang. And Urban Dictionary didn’t help much either (not that I truly believed it would), but I do love to get in a good man nap every once in a while.

To summarize, the Gestitos are pretty good. I ate an orange one. I didn’t even open the others to see if there are different flavours. Why? Well, there’s a chance that these are infected with many different diseases, what with coming from a Spanish country and all (Would you consider that racist?), and I’m only taking as much for the team as I have to so that I can file a decent report, not even a tiny bit more. That means I’m only going to ingest one piece of any types of candy that are contained within the confines of a surprise bag. Except Nintendo surprise. Nintendo doesn’t have a reputation for spreading foodborne illnesses. Yet.

OOH! A lion! And it’s one of those rare white lions to boot! Look at that display of majesty and his king-of-the-jungleness as he stalks his prey of stray hairs and Dorito crumbs. I should probably vacuum my floor every once in a decade. Well then. Maybe the white lion isn’t as impressive as I thought it to be. Or as rare.

Chupa Chups. Nummy nummy. Chupa Chups. Some people are freaks.

I was a little disappointed at the false rarity of the white lion, but here’s a rare beast for the aaaages. Entei! King of Fire! But alas, Entei is most certainly not Pokémon number 93. This I know because I am a loo-hoo-hooser. Also known as “grown man who likes Pokémon”. Meh. I’m not the only one.

The Entei disc-thing is a little curious not only in it’s numerical error, but also because while it touts that it was made in the U.S.A. I have a really hard time believing that claim. Do you want to know why? Well, I’ll tell you a bit later once we get some more evidence rounded up. As they say, “gotta catch ’em all”. It makes sense in my head.

And so concludes this surprise bag. Ah, but wait, I promised a Super Article with bigger pictures, scans, and a video? Well I most certainly delivered on the bigger pictures bit, and did a half-assed job of scanning stuff, but I guess you caught me on the video bit. You could have also gotten me by noting that the length is hardly even fit for a sidekick, nevermind a full-fledged Super Article. Well, if you think it’s really over, I’ve got a surprise for you. That is, if you didn’t already just scroll through the whole page looking at the pictures. You cheater. I oughta have you banned. But nay, you shall get what I deserve, and have to read about…

Two more Surprise Sac Bags! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! The look on your face is most delicious! Soon you will be consumed by the monstrous monstrosity that is the rest of this article! Prepare for DOOM, infidels! DOOOOOOOM! Hey, I warned you in the title. You signed the proverbial waiver.

So I noticed something interesting on the back of the packages. Check this out.

A HAH! I knew it. Those dirty Mexicans (literally, I have nothing against them except for the filth, really) are behind this, and only using Quebec as a front! And I bet those damn separatists are happy to help the Mexicans peddle this shit (n. Things; items.). This also further proves that the Entei disc was not made in the U.S.A. as it would like to have us believe. And there will be more, my friends. More and more and more and more. And then maybe even some more. But that would be the end of it there.

The second Sac Bag didn’t yield any more spinning top than the first, so I’m putting all my chips on lucky number three. Or third time’s a charm. What?

Yeah, not too much new in this bag, so it’s gonna seem like familiar territory for at least a while. Just keep your limbs and head in the vehicle at all times and try not to vomit on your seating partner.

What a surprise. More Gomy Chiks. but it seems that these ones are of a different race. The last ones were red, and these yellow. But what’s that in the background by that mostly empty CD rack? A purple Chik? This is astonishing, and a very interesting development in what we know about the social lives of Gomy Chiks. It would appear that Chiks will only hang out with those of their own colour. This closely resembles the social habits of the marshmallow Peep, which will only very seldom, almost never even, be seen with Peeps of a different colour. Too many links makes Ryan’s article look boring and too full of links.

Chupa chupa chupa chupa. Chu chu chu? Chupa chupa Chup! Chupaaa… >:(

Cuadri Gum. Of all the things I’ve seen and am going to see, I’m pretty sure this one is going to be the one that is the most essential to Google. And after said Googling, I found one single result. And I’m pretty sure that page wasn’t written with sanity in mind. However, this was using quotations, so I probably could have found more, but we’ll say that the internet doesn’t recognize the existence of Cuadri Gum. Honestly, I got results for gum, and Cuadri, but none for both. I don’t want to eat the Cuadri. Don’t make me eat the Cuadri. Please?

For the sake of good fake journalism, I’m gonna bite the bullet here. After five minutes of trying to separate the wrapper from the gum, I was horrified to find that it was already well moistened. Light was literally gleaning off the wet bits, and I was totally not prepared to put it into my mouth. Hell, touching it scared me enough. But every good captain goes down with his ship, and while that has no relevance to this situation, it’s an honourable gesture. So the gum was gross. At first it tasted like normal, but then it grew more and more vomit-inducing. Here’s a tip. If you ever come across Cuadri Gum, take it to the nearest church, have it exorcised, and then shoot it repeatedly with a bazooka. I swear that this stuff was not made in Mexico, but in Hell itself.

Oh come on! Screw you guys, I’m no eating this one. Though the word “caramelo” did at first trick me into thinking that it may have originated from Italy, I quickly reaffirmed that “caramelo” is Spanish for caramel. I’m not a big fan of caramels anyway. Especially not the suave ones. That’s just what I need, freaking caramels that are better with the ladies than me. Wait… Forget that last one. I’m excellent with the ladies. In fact I have plenty of ladies right here right now. They’re all fighting over me and other things that ladies do. You know. Things.

Oh ho ho. Here’s an interesting one. Since my ability to take pictures ranks up there with my ability to create matter, I scanned the package for all to see. A Google search for Sobre Sorpresa didn’t bring up much, but I did find some Indian graficas. You know. Like tomahawks and teepees and shit. But that’s not important. the tatuajes are where it’s at!

According to the package there, you can look for 60 designs! ¡Colecciònalos! It also describes that it should contain one normal tatuaje, one holographic tatuaje, and a dulce. Whatever a dulce is. Sorry, my Spanish is a bit rusty. Upon closer translation, a dulce is a candy. Unfortunately, this package of things did not contain a candy. I’m thinking there are two possibilities. Firstly, the candy could have fallen out and gotten mixed with the rest of the Surprise Sac Bag stuff (I’m thinking the caramelo). That’s not likely at all though, so I came up with the second possibility: it never contained a dulce at all! Bastardos! Hey… Upon closer inspection, the Sac Bag package itself shows that dulce is Spanish for candy. Damn, missed that easy one.

I bet you wanna see the tattoos, don’t you? No, you really don’t. Trust me.

OK, Entei was only off by the number, but why do they call Togetic “Togechikku”? Because it’s his Japanese name, that’s why! < /obvious > So the Togetic disc’s got two strikes against it. Not only is the number wrong, but they used his Japanese name, and no Mexicans would bother doing that. No normal Americans would either. There’s only one breed of freaks who would. Anime purists. Those fetid scum who refuse to use any American names or stuff when it comes to anime. Sure, a lot of the American versions of stuff gets butchered pretty badly so I can let most of it slip by, but if you’re using the Japanese names for Pokémon and you don’t live in Japan or speak Japanese exclusively, you’ve likely got some issues and are probably gross and addicted to Pocky.

Yo, …yo. Like a Transformer, there’s more than meets the eye here.

Aww, isn’t that cute, a Marril that’s missing an “R” and a grossly deformed Pikachu. Yeah. I thought the Pokémon discs would end too, but now we’ve got a whole litter of the things. But since you can’t see how terribly fudged up the Pikachu disc it, I had to extract it from the craptastic Yo-yo. Here’s the scan. Notice how this one is spelled oddly as well? Yeah, something’s up. These discs must be horrible bootlegs, or made in Japan and then just stamped with “Made in U.S.A.” to make people who buy them feel more patriotic or some bull like that. Either way, I’m disappointed in Pikachu for scaring the crap out of poor little Togepi like that. All he can do to retaliate is Metronome. Goddamned almost always useless Metronome.

Finally we reach the final bag. It’s got a lot more interesting stuff than the previous bag, but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up typing a couple one-sentencers in for this one too. I guess we’ll see. Yup. Almost done. I’m actually as relieved as I imagine you must be. I foolishly rushed this article, and now it’s making me want to half-ass all the way from here to the end. But I’ll give it a shot, see how far I get, you know the drill. But at the moment, it’s dinnertime, so maybe you should go get a snack to see you down the home stretch.

Lookit that, it’s a hodgepodge of candy we’ve found in the other bags. It seems that while the Chiks don’t associate with other colours of their own kind, they get along quite well with other candies. Or some bullshit like that. I’m sorry, I’m bored. I can’t write about the same kinds of candies over and over.

What’s this? What’s this? A Toy Pop sits right there. What’s this? What’s this? It gives me a right good scare. I see the word “caramelo” on the package and I decide against opening it. Plus, it promises no actual toy, it’s just called a Toy Pop. Mostly, though, I don’t savour the idea of a caramel-flavoured lollipop. Then again, the package also mentions that it’s raspberry flavoured. Raspberry caramel. Yum yum. I’m-a gonna pass this one up, if you don’t mind. You can have it if you send me any amount of money (at least 6 cents) via Paypal. (Local only. I’m not shipping this thing should I have some unknown foreigner reading my site.) My E-Mail’s at the bottom if you need it.

It’s a tiny plastic comb. What do you expect?

The final Pokémon disc is upon us. Look upon it, with all its majesty and roundness, and fall to your knees in awe. Or fall off your chair in awe, whichever is more applicable for your current situation. So Mew looks like he just pulled a pretty good prank. All sneaky-like, trying to hide his laughter. I still won’t believe that these things are made in U.S.A. until someone flies me down to the plant.

Lastly, but oddly enough, not leastly, we have the Magi-Ojitos. Or if you prefer, the Magic Eyes. On the upside, these are not in fact strange pictures that hide a secret that only witches can see, but rather some googly eyes that you can put on your fingers to… stuff with… and things. Ah, the back of the package has some ideas for things to do with the googly eyes. This bag promises candy as well, but again, does not deliver. It was open, so maybe it just fell out, but I’ll assume the worst.

Well that was a surprise. I didn’t think I’d have to put the Magi-Ojitos together. Oh well, there could be worse things that it could make me do… Woah! Take a look at this! It’s the uncommonly seen North American Elephand! Such a majestic creature, it’s just too bad he spotted us. I’d have liked to get a closer look at the beast. Possibly stick my thumb up his bumhole. Someday I’ll find another of these beautiful animals, but at least for now I’ve got video evidence! And you’re pissed off about how much I hyped up that video, and how much of a cop-out it was. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I win!

Yep. that’s the end of it all. You’ve seen all of the crap I promised, my friends. I gave you bigger pictures, package scans, and a video, even if it was the worst video ever recorded. Plus it’s a decently long article to boot, so as long as you weren’t expecting entertainment, you don’t have anything to complain about. It wasn’t very super, no, but that was all part of my plan to piss you off. Now if only I really had hyped it up. I mean, a single graphic isn’t quite enough to build up a good hype for something. Especially when it’s likely to be a video game review.

That actually wasn’t so bad. I was thinking that maybe I would explode before I was finished with this one. Which is too bad… I wanted to explode… There’s nothing more to say really. Nothing more than to tell you to go out and buy surprise bags! If nothing else, you can throw the things you find inside at people or just make fun of Mexicans for producing such shoddy products. I mean geez, those tatuajes could be a lot higher quality than they are. And the Magi-Ojitos are kinda crap too. But whatever. I like the lion, he’s got a place on my dresser. I’ve got nothing else. End.

Chicken Wings – Food of the Gods*

Chicken wings kick ass. I really can’t think of any other “side” food that’s more enjoyable. I mean, they’ve got so much going for them, and nothing against. Can you think of an appetizer-level food that’s better than chicken wings? Maybe, but I’m going to ignore any ideas. So it’s time I compiled a list** of why chicken wings are so awesome. Just so that I have some reason for actually writing about chicken wings.

1 – Everyone likes chicken. OK, maybe not everyone likes chicken (I myself only really indulge in the legs and wings), but the phrase “Tastes like chicken” is way too cliched for any less than 95% of the earth’s population to not like the stuff. Then there’s the vegetarians, but they don’t count because they lick ass. (But only the ones who think eating animals is wrong. If you just don’t like meat, I can’t really blame you.) This point sucks.

2 – They’re hot. Not all chicken wings are hot, but often enough, they’re at least jazzed up enough to scare off some pussies. And then there’s the bonus of many levels of hotness. You can have some simple BBQ wings, go for the Super Hot wings, or even search out the fabled Suicide Wings. I have an affinity for spicy food, so obviously, I love chicken wings for this trait.

3 – Finger food. Almost falling into my “messy” point (wait for it), this has a similar idea. Finger foods are way more fun than stuff you eat with utensils. Think about it. Would you rather scarf a burger, or waste precious time meticulously cutting a steak? While steak is great, I’d still probably choose the burger for it’s convenience.

4 – They’re manly. Feeling insecure about how manly you appear to others? Few foods will make you look as masculine during and after consumption. Don’t know what it is exactly, but chicken wings are a truly manly food, much like steak and potatoes. Salad and yogurt are prime examples of the least manly foods available.

5 – Eating contests. It could be a large scale competition, or just you out to prove your worth, but chicken wings are a common choice when it comes to an eating challenge. Not only are you proving you can eat like a glutton, but chances are you’re taking on the added feat of overcoming the hot sauce too. This will impress bystanders twofold, should you come away victorious.

6 – They’re messy. Messy foods are awesome, and are fun as well. You’re expected to get a little crap on you when you eat chicken wings. I’m a meticulously neat eater, so it’s great for me to be able to be a little messy while eating wings. People make a really big deal when I don’t eat really neatly, so the expected messiness that comes with chicken wings is a huge sigh of relief for me.

7 – Good anytime food. I can’t think of a bad time to eat chicken wings. Breakfast is a bit of a stretch, but if steak can be a breakfast food, so can wings. Not only that, but they’ll be a hit at pretty much any event. Birthdays, holidays, office parties, funerals, wedding receptions, and especially sporting events, but I’ll get into that a little more in-depth for my next point.

8 – Even better sports food. When you get together to watch sports with the guys, be it at home, the local tavern, or the arena/ballpark/what-have-you, chances are that you’ll be eating chicken wings and drinking beer. Perhaps it is this association that makes them so manly. But whether or not that’s the key, chicken wings are definitely a staple of the sports feedbag.

9 – The sauce. Chicken wings often come in some sort of container. This container will usually contain a good amount of the applied sauce one the wings are gone. Not only is the sauce delicious, but it also goes well with fries, onion rings, or whatever might come along with your wings.

10 – They’re tasty. Obviously the most important trait of a food. Luckily chicken wings excel here. While the sauce is what you’re going to be getting the most of, the chicken itself is usually pretty damn good too. This is, of course, assuming that the provider of the wings makes good wings. But I’ve not tasted a bad one yet, so the point stands.

So there you have it. Ten reasons why we should hail chicken wings as one of the greatest foods ever. I hope this incites you to go out and get some for yourself. Unless you’re a vegetarian. Then you should go get someone roughly twice your size to beat some sense into you.

*I’m totally not ripping off Mike. Mine is more thorough.

**The list isn’t in any particular order.

The Return of Dick Turtle

It’s again the time of year when the snow has vanished, and it’s time for the revival of outside-type activities. Well, for normal people anyhow. Me, I still just sit inside and play video games or type up crap like this. But in the spring and summertime, I often get the chance to sit inside and play video games out at the cottage. And if there’s anything better about going to the cottage than getting to play with the air rifle, it’s getting to browse the dollar stores in the local town. Oh yeah, it’s time for round two.

This year, I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t just a “find anything at all that stands out” affair like it’s been in years past. I knew that the “surprise bag” articles were among some of the top ranked that I’ve written, so I had a mission: find me as many of the damn things as I could. Sadly, as I said in last year’s Dick Turtle review, the places don’t restock stuff like this. The most likely cause is that these things went out of production seven hunred years ago. So unfortunately, I was only able to grab two of the Dick Turtle bags. There were no others, and I decided to leave one behind to see if anyone else ever bought these things. I guess I’ll find out next time I go.

On the pro side, if I were able to buy these things en masse, they’re only fifty cents a bag, so it’s not like it’s a big drain on my funds. Those name brand bags (which are crap as far as surprises go) can go for anywhere up to two bucks, so a cheap reject from the stupid age is like a blessing filled with several little curses (should you try to consume the contents).

Ah, the memories come flooding back. In case you missed the first one (which I’d like to doubt) here’s a link to that one. If you don’t want to read through it, or just want a little refresher, basically, this “Dick Turtle Surprise Bag” is a very old-looking plastic bag containing several assorted things. These can range from candy to toys to fake jewlery to mini-ninjas. God knows when these things were actually made, but the bags themselves look to be about five thousand years older than most of their contents. But age is of no consequence. It’s time to move on.

Ripping open the first bag, I found that it contained a much wider variety of crap than last year’s bag did. No, wait. It’s just a bunch of useless junk and bad candy again. Nevermind what I said. It contained essentially the same spread of stuff as my last DT bag did. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Starting off on the same foot as last time, we see that ol’ Dick is as inconsistent as ever. But at least he’s consistently inconsistent. I think. Anyhow, I’ll point out for nostaligia’s sake that the Dick Turtle on the card shown above is clearly not the same Dick Turtle that graces the front of the surprise bag. How the producers of this product managed to think that they’d get away with this travesty is beyond me, but they managed to pull it off. I guess. … OK, onto the next paragraph.

This time around, Dick tells us to avoid skating on frozen lakes or ponds. I can tell you from experience that whilst ponds and lakes may be dangerous, it is perfectly okay to skate on a frozen river. Just don’t walk around on it. That’s when you fall through and end up a Ryansicle. Unless you’re just heading out to the ice fishing hut. Then you’ll be a-okay. The moral of this story: there was no story.

You know, after going over this puzzle less than once, I realized that clue #4 has absolutely no bearing on the result. Assuming that you’re crossing off pirates once they’re ruled out, and following the clues in order, you’ve already found the culprit by clue #3. I really wanted to make a joke about how one of these guys looks like some sort of pop culture icon, but none of them bear any resemblance to anything. It was pirate E. And he sucks, because he failed to steal the treasure.

How accurate. Kinda makes you wonder how widely these were distributed. Or maybe they were just thrown together by one of the locals in an attempt to make a quick buck (or $1.50, considering I’m probably the only one ever to buy these things). I mean, they have no sort of… Wait a tick! Upon closer inspection, they were produced by… a bunch of Newfies. Apparently they go by the name “The Surprise Bag Company”. After a little research, I discovered absouluely nothing other than this. Hover over the clown picture for a little briefing on the SBC, and click on him to be taken to a webpage that isn’t there. Other than that, there isn’t a lot that Google can tell me about them. I guess it’s a good thing I never noticed the mailing address on the back of the bag last time, or else I’d be out a paragraph of material here.

Woah. Stop the presses. Forget what I said about accurate. The Jets never won the Stanley Cup. As far as I know, they never even came close. Yes, the Winnipeg Victorias took it waaaaay back in 1896, and then again in 1901 and 02, but I hardly think anyone would fashion a toy ring for events so ancient and obscure.

Next up…. A fake tooth. Yow. That one was in deep. Either way, it’s neither interesting to look at, read about, or even write about, so how about I tell you about my day about? No? Fine. Aboot.

Ooh! Candy for all you technologically inclined types out there. They even spelled it ‘bytes’. I guess that about sums it up. Aside from the redundancy of putting both ‘mini’ and ‘micro’ in the name, the package hasn’t got anything to offer, aside from it’s sweet, sweet (here’s hoping) contents. Oh yeah, and remember that raindrop-headed guy. You’ll be seeing more of him before the day is done.

The candies certainly do look appealing. They’re all colourful and tiny. Mini they are. And micro as well. So I threw ’em back, and it turns out they’re pretty good. You know Sweet Tarts? Kinda like those, but not as chewy. Or at least not as chewy as Chewy Sweet Tarts. And just now I looked at the back of the bag, and the thing is dated 1998. Candy doesn’t really go bad, right? I survived the last bag of stuff, after all. But I can’t recall actually eating any of it. If I turn up dead in the next little while, I blame Newfoundland.

This one’s a bit of a toss-up. I really should have just put the two pics side-by-side, but screw that. I’m getting my extra paragraph. By the by, I pretty much destroyed that capsule trying to get it open. I’m not good with vending machine capsules. Never have been, never will be.

Did you see that coming? I didn’t. Why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate featuring a sleeping star who’s mouth is zippered shut? Moreover, why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate? Perhaps to compliment their tiny sports team logo’d mugs? So they have something to display in their tiny china cabinet? To throw in the air and shoot with their tiny clay shooting rifle? Life is full of mysteries, and this is certainly one that will never be solved. I hate that star.

When the casket fell out of the bag as I was shaking it furiously, a wave of pure dread washed over me. Not only because I had to try to review something a second time and make it seem like new, but also because I feared that the skeletons from last year were out for revenge on me. But this one could hold something different, right? There was no guarantee that even though it looked the exact same and had the same “Mr. Bones” engraved on the top, it held the same stuff as the last coffin.

Hopes were crushed, curses were placed, and untruths were typed. There was no curse, nevermind several of them. My hopes that something different would be inside were indeed crushed, however. It’s the same bone candy that I discovered in the last article, and this batch is just as brittle and crappy as the last, making it impossible to actually hook the bones together. So I’m a little sad that there’s a repeat item, but at least this a repeat of a somewhat cool item. We’ll be suffering much greater disappointment a little later on.

And that does it for the first bag. I’d say the Winnipeg ring is the best thing in there, simply because of the coincidence of finding a toy ring that is emblazoned with the name of my city in a bag of completely random junk. The biggest let-down was the tooth. Sure, it had blood on it, but nobody, and not even nobody’s uncle Leopold would for even a second believe it to be a real tooth, so it’s got no prank value for something that should be rich in the stuff.

Now we’re gonna kick it up a notch and delve into the mysteries of the second Dick Turtle Surprise Bag. If it were possible for me to write more about this junk, you’d be clicking a link to go to a second page, but even I can’t reach for that much filler with this crap as source material, so you get off easy this time.

Dick’s advice is a little less stupid this time. I mean, not every kid is going to be presented with the option to skate on a frozen lake or pond, but almost every child will, at some point in their life, have to cross a road. But really, we all know that Dick goesn’t give a flying rat’s ass about children. He’s just trying to better his image to give himself more leverage with the voters. Bastard is all about politics.

Do you want to colour a giant space turtle humping a rocket? I don’t, but if you do, today’s your lucky day! Save the pic, blow it up a little in Photoshop or something, and colour it in! Send it to me afterward, and I’ll make a Dick Turtle gallery and put all of your pretty pictures in it. That’s a promise. If I get even one submission, the gallery will be there. Eventually. So do it!

But seriously, where do they get off calling this a puzzle?

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged back in. At first glance, it’s just the Mini Micro Bytes again, but if you look real close, you’ll still think they’re the Mini Micro Bytes again. But these packages hold a terrifying secret! While the previous ones were more cylindrical in shape, these bytes are… circles! Okay. I’ll admit it. I’ve got nothing. But then again, do I ever really have something?

I don’t know what the hell this is. Some kind of cat toy of something. It’s just a smiley face in the middle of a plastic ball, with little balls boucing around inside. You can make it jingle a bit, but not much else. At least it should make good lighter fodder come stuff-burnin’ season. Which is now.

You can’t tell from the tiny pic, but that pink thing on the corner of the Mini Tarts packages is the same dude from the Mini Micro Bytes. Word on the street is that he calls himself the Goody Guy. Anyhow, further investigation reveals that not only are the Mini Tarts the exact same candy as their Mini Micro bretheren, but that they were produced a year earlier. I’m not sure what the deciding factor is, but these ones taste marginally worse than the others. Maybe the year made a difference after all? Or perhaps the Bytes were just an improvement on the Tart formula. We may never know. I hope you stay up all night pondering, cause I’ll feel bad if I’m the only one.

More bytes. Only this time they’ve got a block in a diaper representing them. Oh, and they’re made by an entirely different company. Hard as stone and more revolting than a bag of pig ears, these are certainly not good candy. Simply put: they’re shitty Chiclets. They won’t make you want to induce vomiting like those damned bones (a fact I may have omitted earlier), but they do border on nasty.

Two items left, and we’ve got another crappy ring. Only this one looks like a bad Dino wannabe. I’m not even sure if it’s supposed to be a dinosaur at all, nevermind a ripoff of an established character. It could very well be a very poorly drawn duck. I’ve seen worse.

And our final item of the day is this… notebook… thing. It’s tiny, and I doubt anyone without mad skillz similar to mine could have any change of writing legibly in it. Crap. I’m tired of writing about stuff. It’s time to wrap things up and hope I never find another Dick Turtle bag again.

I guess that maybe, maybe if the remaining Dick Turtle Surprise Bag is still sitting in that Bargain Shop next summer, I’ll pick it up and review it. I really don’t think so though, because it took two of them to fill an entire article, should you neglect that a lot of stuff that could have been said was written during the first DT bag review. And if there’s only one left, you’re probably only going to get a mini-review out of it at best, unless I just throw length to the wind and decide to do it just for the sake of getting to use the word ‘dick’ more.

So yes, that’s probably the last of Dick Turtle you’ll be seeing on this website. Unless of course, someone acutually takes up my offer of colouring the Dick Turtle picture. Of course, if you really need a Dick Turtle fix, you could drive out to Lac du Bonnet and search out that last bag for yourself… Me, I’m just gonna look up an antidote for all that candy that probably poisoned me.

Prolonged dumpage

This one here’s kind of a follow-up to yesterday’s post. Some continuation, some new thoughts, it’s all good. Unless you have no interest at all in what I think about.

I was out all day, and again took the liberty of playing my DS all over the place. Today I attracted the attention of no less than three people, and on a broad range of ages too. I’m starting to feel like the Nintendo DS version of that dude from the Wendy’s commercials. I’mma have to get out more, and make sure I get selling those DS units. Maybe somewhere along the way, I’ll find a friend who will play with me. Maybe I’ll be able to beat a human opponent at Madden. Oh yeah, I bought that. I have to say, I made the right decision. Not only does it interest more casual gamers, but I’m quite enjoying it as well. I really needed something different, and football has answered my call.

My next article will not be so much an article, but something akin to this, should I ever figure out how to do it. After looking at the source, I could probably put it together, but it’ll take a long damn time. Possibly all week, or longer, depending on how ambitious I feel. Or maybe I’ll just rush it and not mind it looking like crap. And that’s all you’re getting for now.

I also picked up The Urbz for DS, under my brother’s counsel. He was right. I really like the game. The only problem is that it uses both the face buttons and the touch screen, so you either fumble between stylus and thumb or just use your finger on the touch screen. The game doesn’t really call for extremely precise pointing, so the latter is acceptable, but after being stylus-trained by WarioWare and Feel the Magic, it feels kind of odd not to use it. Anyhow, it’s a really good game. I’m kind of upset I didn’t know this earlier.

I finally found a Tesla CD! Thank you, Music World! I mean, it’s the newest one, which is excellent, but I really wanted The Great Radio Controversy. Still no show from Firehouse though. I did pick up Foreigner’s The Very Best and Beyond, which is also great, so I’m not too disappointed.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance is no longer available anywhere. I’ve looked through around six electronics stores, three gaming stores and two trade-in stores, but nothing. I’ve found Sons of Liberty, and even The Document of Metal Gear Solid 2, but no Substance. So here’s the deal. You find it anywhere, you pick it up and bring it and the recepit to me. I’ll pay you the cost, plus a $15 bounty. The same goes for the Evil Dead 2 DVD. I’ve found Evil Dead and Army of Darkness, but no Evil Dead 2. Maybe I’ll put up a bounty chart of things I want but cannot find, and cannot be arsed to buy online.

I found the first season Corner Gas DVD today. I can’t recall exactly why I didn’t buy it on sight. As I said yesterday, I love the show. Possibly even more than Futurama, and I have all the Futurama DVD sets. Mmm, I love material posessions.

I can’t eat 40 timbits without getting sick. I’m a sham of a man.

The problem with me constantly buying CDs (aside from the rapidly depleting storage space) is that I’m never going to get around to doing that article on my CD colleciton. Maybe it’ll have to go under the pseudo-articles and be updated as new discs come and (God forbid) go.

That’s all for today. I’ll try not to bog down the blog with so much impertinent information during the next week. I’ve got the weekend off, so I’ll be making sure I devote (at least) Saturday to article production. That is, if I’m not too wrapped up in Samurai Legend Musashi. Two days, baby.

Exhibiting uncharacteristic behaviour

I really don’t have much to say today. I watched those charming Don Hertzfeldt cartoons again today. If you’ve never seen ’em, or just haven’t watched in a while, I recommend doing so. Sometimes making no sense is the best way to go about it.

I’m totally making a “silly hats only” sign for my room. Oh, and if you don’t have them immediately available, the media archive at GorillaMask has them all. I’d host them for you myself, but you know, the no webspace thing.

As a bit of a follow-up, I got the full version of MegaMan X8. After the atrocity that was X7, it’s really nice to see that X8 turned out to be excellent in every respect. It’s rather tough, the graphics are great (the cutscene style is beautiful), the sound is awesome, and it’s much more fun than its predecessor. All this, and there are unlockable things! Like characters! And weapons! Most amazing of all is the fact that after inputting a code, you can face off against an 8-bit CutMan! They even remixed the old boss theme. It’s absolutely hilarious, and it’s just in there because some Capcom dude thought it would be fun. You get nothing for finding it, and it lasts all of maybe 10 seconds. I love it. I’d take a screenshot, but hooking the PS2 up to the PC is a rather complicated production, and you know how I am about doing stuff. After all the Battle Network E-Card bullshit, this game has restored all of my faith in Capcom.

EDIT: I was in the neighborhood, and, well, here’s your damn picture. It’s tiny though.

Making loud noises!

I watched Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy for the second time this morning, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s frickin’ hilarious. It’s a perfect blend of idiot humour and man humour (which some may believe to be one and the same), and that’s why I love it so. It’s nice to see that some of Hollywood is still devoted to making a great dumbass movie. While I like adventure, action, and a more sophistocated comedy, nothing gets to me quite like the idiot humour. Brick Tambland is one of the funniest characters I can think of, and the cast is great. Tons of familiar faces, most notably Will Ferrel and Vince Vaughn. But it’s nice to see other great actors playing bit roles, such as Tim Robbins and Jack Black. Ah, such a great movie, and so damn many quotes to go with it. “Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.” “Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

Oh yes, and in a strange turn of events, I, of all people, got athlete’s foot. I know it hasn’t got anything to do with being an athlete, but it’s still kinda funny if you don’t think about it too much. Uh, it’s actually been a week or so now, and it’s mostly gone, but I figured it was something you might find funny, if not a bit gross.

I also got my first taste of a Charleston Chew today, and I have to say that it must be the candy that God eats. It’s just so delicious and chewy. Just slightly less chewy than a good taffy. I dare you to provide a candy better than the Charleston Chew. DARE YOU. I’ve seen the light, and am convinced that a superior candy bar could not exist.

And on a side note, I fixed the link at the end of the previous post. Enjoy.

The Christmas Gift List 2004

It’s taken me over a month to finally get down to business, but finally, I can proudly present to you the second annual Cristmas article. Maybe in the future I’ll have some more Cristmas-themed things to write about, but that’s a little ambitious for me. So yes, it’s taken me quite a while, and I would like to take the time to explain myself. If you don’t want to read the article lengthening banter that is my explaination, just skip right past the next paragraph. If you do want to see what paper-thin excuses I’ve come up with, continue on, my friend.

I had originally wanted to do something different for christmas this year, but as you’ll see, it didn’t fly. I was planning to do complete reviews on each major item that I received, and then wrap up all the smaller ones into a separate article. But that idea never got off the ground, as it required me to do far too much writing in too little a time frame (I’m really bad for productivity. To date, I still haven’t finished the Disney World logs.). So now you get one big one. Then as if technology itself were trying to thrawrt me, I had uploaded about half the pictures you’ll see in this article onto the family PC, where I used to do most of my site work. it promoptly crashed a day or so afterward. The files were on a separate backup drive, and it wasn’t until just recently that I got around to putting it into my PC. So as you can plainly see, the lateness of this article is due to my extreme laziness. Oops.

But I digress, it’s about time I talked about the Christmasy stuff. Oh, did you notice I put images in the title banner? I think it’s a nice touch, though slightly overbearing. I’d also like to voice my opinions on the parts of Christmas which are not gifts, but if you really want to know about that, you can go read the intro to last year’s Christmas article. It’s got all the deets, yo.

As I did last year and will for many years to come, I shall start with the stocking. But why the stocking? Ah, that has got some lore behind it. So gather ’round while I tell ye the tale. Every year on christmas morn, us chill’ens get up anywheres between three to one hours before the folks do. Rules denote that no present is to be unwrapped while not under the watchful eye of the parents, so we must wait in agony for them to wake. But back in nineteen-odd-something, we struck a deal allowing us to dig into the stocking stuffers so that we might have something to do whilst we waited. And to this day, the stocking is always the first priority when dealing with Christmas-related affairs. Other big words, blah blah. Let’s move on.

I can’t say I was overly pleased with this year’s run. while there are a few treasures, I have to express that there wasn’t nearly enough candy. I’m a man who likes his candy. And it was lacking. Less than half the good pictured are practical. i guess it’s just a part of getting older (Hell, I should be glad I’m even getting a stocking), but these useful things just aren’t what I look for in a stocking. I’ll have to make note of it for next year.

Anyway, if you can’t tell from the picture, here’s what’s there. And in fancy list form, no less.

  • Halleluja! A Mastercraft utility knife!
  • Two blue pens. I always liked black better.
  • Orange Tic-Tacs. I hate orange.
  • A small chocolate Santa. Uneventful.
  • Mmm… Chocolate snowballs. Great for snacking.
  • Strawberry Bubblicious Bursts. A burst of flavour, then nothing. Crap.
  • LifeSavers book. Only six rolls? It used to be eight, dammit!
  • A foreign chocolate R. Hooray R!
  • Listerene Pocket Paks. Apparently good for dental hygiene.
  • A box of razor cartidges. My dad had better not use them all this time.
  • Cheap batteries. But, batteries is batteries.
  • Mitchum brand deodorant. God dammit! I like Brut!
  • Gilette shave gel. Again with the hoping dad doesn’t use it all.

Ye Gods! Wrong colour pens. Wrong flavour Tic-Tacs. Wrong brand deodorant. Kinda make me wonder if my paren- err, Santa, knows me at all. But all in all, not a bad bunch of stuff, but like I said before, the candy. But the one thing that really impressed me…

The utility knife. I don’t know if you’ve ever owned one of these bad boys, but they’re one of the most amazing things in the world. Able to slice through any annoying and normally impenetrable plastic packaging with the greatest of ease, the utility knife is not a tool that any well-equipped person should be without. I’d always waned one of these babies, and now the power to best even the most durable of materials is mine. Mine! But honestly, it’s one of the best tools to have around, and one of the most likely to become useful to boot. Sure, a multitool is handy in a pinch, but this baby’s got a blade like a… something real sharp. But you probably have good knowledge of the utility knife, as most normal people would, so I’ll just be moseying on along now.

The most intriguing thing I found in this year’s stocking is this mysterious chocolate R. I can’t remember for sure, but I’m pretty certain that the box was entirely in not-English. It was labelled as “melkchocolade” or something to that effect. I’d check, but the box is long gone by now. Another reason why it would have been beneficial to have done this sooner. Now, I know that foreign chocolate is good stuff, but the only thing I was curious about is where exactly this was found. I guess I’ll have to look around the local confection stores, should I seek the solution to this conundrum. So yeah, shaped like an R.

Next on the chopping block is the bag of stuff from my grandparent (father’s side). As long as I can remember, they’ve given bags of stuff. Of course, my memory’s about five years at max, so that’s not saying much. Anyhow, this one, as it is an actual gift, contains more substantial stuffings than the stocking. The rectangular object on the top is, as you might have guessed by the silhoutette, is a gift certificate for a round of golf. If only I didn’t have to wait through this horrid winter. the next, and more immediately accessible item is a gift card for Famous Players. I need companions for that one, though. You can’t just go to a movie alone. Or so I hear. And in the top right- Old Spice! My second-preferred deodorant! Hooray for my grandparents!

Among the more obvious items is a tube of toothpaste, good old Crest style. Crest is awesome. Aquafresh wishes it were as good as Crest. And then there’s the Juicy Fruit. When in stick form, it’s good stuff. But the peices are just worthless. The sticks have a good run of flavour. Heck, I’ve been chewing one all night and it’s still got some left. The pieces, though, they go for like 20 seconds and then it’s over. Kinda like your mom. Oh! Burn! …Did that make sense? I think that kind of joke only works against men… Maybe next year. What you don’t see in the picture is a scarf and a cheque for 50 smackers. Booyah. I love money.

Like the utility knife, I’ve wanted one of these for years now, but never goteen around to actually getting one. Until now, that is! If you don’t know what it is, I can’t help you, because I have no idea what it’s called. I can, however, tell you what it does. If you’re stuck with a TV that has only one set of A/V plugs like my own, and have many A/V using things around, this is just what the doctor ordered. You can just plug all your doodads into this box here, and switch them with a press of a button. It helps eliminate that annoying need to switch out the A/V cables all the time, and is really a pain saver if the jacks are on the back of the TV. Before I got his, I was too lazy to switch the plugs all the time, so if I wanted to play a Playstation game after a round of GameCube, I’d probably just consider it too much trouble and find something to do that required less effort. But now I switch in a matter of seconds, with no effort at all! Now I just need a power bar so I don’t have to switch out the power plugs all the time.

Off to the right side, you’ll also note a roll of duct tape just barely in the picture. I got that for Christmas as well, but had forgotten up until I saw it in the picture. And that’s why it doesn’t have it’s own picture. Funny story. My mom was totally stupified when I said I wanted duct tape for Christmas. She thought it was weird to ask for, but got it for me anyway. OK, maybe it wasn’t that funny after all.

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of things that didn’t get their own pictures (mostly just so that I don’t forget to mention them later), I also got a couple other “strange” goods for the big X to the Mas. for one, I got a pie from my youngest brother. It was an apple pie. I was hoping for pumpkin or cherry, but he bought me a freaking pie, so I was totally impressed. Also, my grandma got me some cheesecake. Both of these items were actually on my list (I wasn’t gonna make one orignally, but my mom requested it), and my brother and grandma are cool, so they totally came through for me. It was truly the tastiest Christmas ever.

Hey, lookit that! Certainly something I never would have expected. My mom had been hounding me that I needed a new jacket, and I guess that suede deal I bought wasn’t exactly winter-worthy. I should have seen it coming. Mommy hates when I own a piece of outside clothing for more than three years. Of course, I’m one of those people who get really attached to their stuff, and don’t like to get new things. She did it with my poor boots too. My new ones are totally inferior, as they’re falling apart after about half a year, and the old ones lasted four years with minimal damage. But back to the jacket. As much as I love my old “black Michelin Man” jacket, this one is without a doubt superior in every way. Not only is it warmer, it’s also less of an eyesore, and it’s got like 600 pockets. I like it, and I think this one will be staying for quite a few years to come.

With the appearance of the jacket, it only makes sense to take a look at any other clothing items, right? Best not to strew this stuff too far apart. This Christmas was very good to me clothes-wise. I got very few, and what I did get was exactly what I wanted. Most notably, and visible, is the new pair of pajama pants. I’ve been wearing jeans exclusively for so many years that I’m usually uncomfortable in anything else, but I love pajama pants. It’s like they were forged with the spirit of laziness. You can’t help but be a little lazy while wearing them. Maybe it’s that particular feature that has driven many schools to ban them. That stuff about them being too “unprofessional”? Bull. Authority likes to destroy morale (as far as my experience goes), and boy do pajama pants boost that trait. Oh yes, I actually received two pairs of these holy pants. The other pair is black. On top of that were a couple pairs of boxers. I won’t take a picture of me in my skivvies this year though. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’d love to, but then I’d have to get out of my chair and remove my pants, which is way more effort than I’m willing to put forth.

As I’m working on a PC with no program that can indicate the number of words in a document, I have no idea how far along I am word-wise, but I do think that this would be an appropriate time to go onto the next page of stuff. Going by paragraphs, this is about how far I got last year when I went onto the second page, and this two-pager deal should be tradition. It’s good for making me look like I write a lot more than I actually do. Crap. I’ve run out of ways to extend this paragraph. Oh woe is me! I have no ideas for filler! Oh well, to the next page!

[Pretend there’s a link to a Page 2 here. There really used to be!]

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think this year was going to produce a two-pager. But as it turns out, I might have actually gotten more stuff this year than I did last. I won’t bother to count, but feel free to do so if it bothers you not to know. This is really strange, because I figured Christmas wouldn’t be as great an occasion since now I’m an adult. But it was pretty much the same. Everyone still treats me like a kid, so I’m happy. But as much as things stayed the same, there was a lot of difference from last year.

The first thing, and most prominent for me, was our dog situation. Last year we had good old Mojo. I was forced to watch him a lot, so I got rather attached to the dog. But this year, we’ve got our new dogs. The whole season reminded me of Mojo, and gave me this strange sensation inside. I think it’s what you people call “emotion”. And then there was the fact that this year I only had two video games on my list, as opposed to the lists of years past that had only two items that weren’t video games. It could have something to do with the fact that this year I have a job and money, and I can buy the things I want. Lastly, this was teh first year where I eer had to actually go out to find things and buy them for my family. Previous years saw my parents doing my shopping for me, and it was different for me to have to do it for myself. But that’s enough reflection for now, it’s time we get back to the important matter at hand: showing off my material posessions!

I had pretty much given up on my hopes of collecting the new line of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys after the third series came out, and haven’t gotten any since last X-Mas. But then I saw these guys, and I knew that if I was going to have any TMNT toys at all, these would have to be the ones. The Toddler Turtles are possibly the best version of the Turtles I’ve ever seen. While they only show up in the random flashback in the show, that’s more than enough to produce toys for them. Just look how cute! And the little pretend weapons! As a bonus, all four come in the same pack at the price of a normal figure, so you don’t have to shell (Ha! Shell!) out four times the cash to obtain the complete foursome. If you’d like to read up on them a little more, Matt has an in-depth review of the little guys. And many more pictures.

It was inevitable. I tried to avoid it, I did, but people kept buying me DVDs of things, so it had to be done. I aksed for a DVD player. And then I got one. It’s not an expensive model, but it sure gets the job done. Plays the DVDs quite well, and also comes with MP3 support. I guess there’s not much else to say about it other than the black colour matches with my GameCube really well. And it fits on the shelf pretty good too. Ummm… I’m really reaching for stuff to say here, folks. Well, I’ve got nothing else, so it’s time to see what kind of stuff I got to use this with.

Well what do you know, it’s season four of Friends! Still a good three seasons or so before the series apparently jumped the shark, it’s a good season to have. Full of excellent Joey antics (particularly when they go to England) and some great episodes, like the one with the big “who knows who better” game. Ah, that was a classic. But I still can’t think of an episode that beats The One Where Nobody’s Ready from season three. If you need a refresher, go check last year’s article. That should shed a little light on the subject. And once again, I seem to be left without much to say, so it’s onto the next thing.

Hooray! Futurama! When the show first aired, I watched it every once in a while, but never really got into it, but ever since Teletoon’s been running the show, I’ve been watching every chance I get. And now, I have the season two DVD set! On top of that, I’ve bought seasons one and three between then and now, so I’ve got plenty of Futuama to watch whenever I want. It may just be a phase, but as it stands, Futurama is my favorite show on TV, new episodes or not. While I always enjoy the Simpsons (even the new ones, which for some reason, everyone else hates), I think Matt Groening really outdid himself with this series. Not to mention that it stars one of my favorite voice actors, Billy West, in at least three roles. And to top it all off, Dr. Zoidberg is probably my favorite cartoon character ever. He’s so awesome. I’ve actually been watching all the episodes with commentary, and it’s friggin’ hilarious. There are often a few too many people to keep track of, but it’s still really great, and offers a lot of insight into the show. Season four will be mine soon, and then I will have them ALL! Because having them ALL is a very popular theme with me.

Good news, everyone. I’ve got what might be the most original game ever. Well, if Wario Ware had never existed, it certainly would be. Feel the Magic: XY/XX is a pleasure just to own. It’s an incredible game that easily deserves its own review. that’s why I’m doing one, and I won’t write much about it here, other than a few base facts. Base facts like how it uses the Nintendo DS’ touch screen to the fullest extent yet, and even uses the microphone feature on more than two occasions. It’s a deceptively simple, and somewhat short game, but it’s a blast to play, and would have been even better thad they implemented some sort of multiplayer mode. But no game is perfect, right?

It’s funny how deceiving the cover is. It managed to trick my mom into thinking that it’s some kind of horrible sex game. I was even kinda surprised that she picked up on the chromosome thing in the title. I guess it’s common knolwedge to anyone who’s finished up to grade six or so, but I never really though that people knew hat kind of thing. Just seems like a little reference that only smart people would pick up on. So even though my mom was totally against it, I got it for Christmas. I even tried to get her playing it, but she just kind of gave up, saying it was too complicated. Pah. It’s funny how some people are so stubborn and won’t even try new things. Excellent game. This and Wario Ware: Touched! are easily worth buying a DS for.

The Sims 2. Never thought I could really enjoy the Sims again, but then along comes this. It’s just the upgrade that the aging game needed. There were far too many expansions that didn’t really offer anything new. But the sequel packs it on, with many new gameplay features like Wants and Fears, the aging of your sims, and even little side-missions. I also recently learned that you can earn special items when you complete certain tasks, in a nod towards a similar feature in the SimCity games. i really can’t explain how much better this game is that the first. Hell, you can even decorate the neighborhoods if you so choose. Want some trees over by the shopping mall? Just plop ’em down. Not enough rainbows in your sky? Too many rainbows in your sky? Add some more, or tear ’em all down. I did a pretty comprehensive review in my Ten Greatest Games of 2004 article, so you should scooch on over there if you want more detail. For the abriged version, this game rocks. If you didn’t like the original, you probably won’t like this one either, but I think it’s damn good.

Oh yes, and the big-boxed version comes with a “bonus hint book”. I’ll tell you now, that is a freaking exaggeration. Not only does it not need the big box, due to the book really being a booklet no larger than the instruction manual, but the hint book itself is pitifully worthless. All it really does is explain about the different aspirations, which the instruction manual and in-game help stuff do quite well. that’s really all there is to it. No more than a six-page aspiration explaination. Then it’s even got the nerve to advertise the real strategy guide on the back. That damn Prima is trying to sucker you into buying their guide for a game that doesn’t really need one by giving you a tiny taste of what they’re serving up. I should go buy a guide by any other publisher just out of spite.

I was surprised last year at how not-so-bad Big Shiny Tunes 8 turned out to be. But I saw commercials for 9, and said to myself “it’s time to stop getting them”. With bands like Billy Talent, Evanescence, Nickelback (whom I don’t mind, I just can’t stand the new stuff, which it was bound to be), and a bunch of bands I’ve ne’er heard of, I was ready for this one to be craptacular. But really, it’s not so bad. It actually turned out quite well. Billy Talent, the only band on the CD I cannot cope with, is number one, so I just have to skip the first song every time and I’m good! Other than that, it contains the only Evanescence song I don’t mind, and I can tolerate Franz Ferdinand and Nickelback long enough to get to the good stuff. And speaking of which, you’ve got The Killers’ “Somebody Told Me”, a kickass Blink 182 song by the title “Feeling This” and astonishingly enough, Hoobastank is on the CD, but not with “The Reason” (which I’ve grown to dislike due to massive overplaying), but “Same Direction” which just plain rocks. Also worth mentioning are Jet and Yellowcard. Overall, it’s a pretty good CD. Much more than I expected. Now we’ll just see if 10 is any good, though I’m kind of hoping that it’ll be the last. These Big Shiny CDs are starting to clutter up my collection.

Our last item for this year is this neat RC Mario Kart thingy. I’ve seen it online a couple of times, but have resisted buying it because of a rather hefty price tag. It’s a cool thing, and a great addition to my collection of Mario stuff, but I don’t think I’ll ever actually use it. For one, it needs like a bajillion batteries, including at least one 9-Volt. I just don’t have that kind of battery budget. Well, I suppose I could make the effort to buy a few, but still, it’s more of a display thing. A quick glance shows that it can only move straight forwards and back up to the right. Not exactly racing material if you ask me. My little micro-charger thing could probably win a race against this big boy, even though it would need a minute of charging every half-lap. You really can’t make an RC toy without the ability to turn. It just doesn’t work. But, you know, whatever. Better I get if at Christmas for free than give in to temptation and buy it from Lik-Sang for like 50 bucks. And if you think I wouldn’t eventually crack, you really don’t know me at all.

And that, my friends, concludes my 2004 Cristmas article. It may have come late, but I sure think it turned out better than I was assuming it would. You may feel a bit cheated that I gave you a single review instead of a handful, but.. well, yeah, you got screwed. Unless you hate my writing, in which case this is the best case scenario. Except for if I had followed my orignialest plan and just not done one at all. But nay is the case and now it is done. i wish I could think up some more stuff to say, for a conclusion of a single paragraph is barely a conclusion at all.

Ah, yes, that’s it. I’m quite surprised at how much stuff I got, considering that at 18 I’m pretty sure my gift allowance was to be cut in half at least. But it turns out that Santa is particularly nice to some adults. Heh heh. Yeah, my parents are great. I’m not sure what I’m gonna do that fateful year when they finally decide it’s time I grow out of getting a shitload of gifts. I guess by that time I won’t care quite as much as I do now. Or perhaps they’ll just wean me off slowly by giving me slightly less each year. It’s gonna be sad the first year this special isn’t a two-pager. I think that’s gonna be when I quit doing it. If the site lasts that long. But we’ve made it through two years of rambling filler, and I’ll bet I can make it to five, at least. I just hope somewhere along the way I can grow out of this Angelfire dirt. In any case, I hope you enjoyed. See you next article. Or blog post. Whatever.