Category: Retro Gaming

I thought I had you

So I spent the better part of yesterday playing a couple Nintendo 64 games. Why? mostly because I felt like reminiscing and enjoying some really great titles (despite what some may want you to believe, the 64 had a ton of killer games). Also, my friends and I were chatting briefly about Kirby 64, and the topic of how round things shouldn’t be made of polygons (or some such thing) came up. That note made me curious about how well exactly they made that work back in the day. The answer, I’ll get to in a sec. That’s actually one of the main reasons I’m making this post.

Now, I was mostly playing games that came out near the end of the 64’s lifespan, and I’ve got to say that the graphics are startlingly adequate. Sure, there have been huge leaps in graphical quality in the last two generations, but were they really that necessary? Just take a look at two choice titles: Pokémon Stadium 2 and Kirby 64. If you boot up either of those games, you’ll probably be surprised at how nice they look. Pokémon Stadium 2 in particular has some very impressive character models, which look like they could have come out of a lower-end GC game. And the Kirby issue? Quite frankly, Kirby is impressively round, considering he’s made out of decidedly not-round polygons. I’m pretty sure most of the round enemies are just made of rotating 2D circles (I forget what that’s called, or if it even has a name), but Kirby is the real deal, and he looks (and moves) great.

Given, both of those games are pretty easy on the system otherwise, so I suppose grahpic quality could possibly have been optimized because of that. But then again, Conker’s Bad Fur Day and Donkey Kong 64 both had huge environments and a lot going on, as well as fantastic (for the hardware) visuals, so I guess that’s a bit of a moot point.

I’m not sure where I was going to go with this, but it seems like I’m trying to say something along the lines of how I was more than satisfied with where graphics were at around seven years ago. Yeah, smoother textures and higher poly counts are nice and all, but we haven’t seen a single Kirby game since the 64 era where you can mix powers, so what’s up with that? Oh man, and if you could mix powers and have more than one attack per power? That would kick so much ass that my head hurts thinking about it. Come on Nintendo, I know you’re cooking up a Kirby game for the Wii. Indulge me! Or at least release Kirby 64 on the Virtual Console so I don’t have to play it on these shitty, shitty emulators… Also, classic Game Boy games would be nice too.

Oh right, and jus’ta let ya’ll know, Wario: Master of Disguise? Not so great. Parish was a little harder on it than I would say needed be, but it most certainly does not live up to the majesty that is Wario Land 2 (best classic GB game EVAR), or even WL3 for that matter, which I found was the weakest of the series.

This post took me exactly half an hour to write.

I’m always late

Continuing September’s StarFox mania, I finally got around to finding a working ROM of the StarFox 2 beta, patching it, and playing it. You know, because everyone keeps saying that they pretty much based StarFox Command on it. So that’s totally true. Except for Command has so much more to it. Mini-review below.

The first thing you’re going to notice about StarFox 2 is that you move around the galaxy map freely, and not as you complete levels. You’ll also notice enemies flitting about. Since your job is to protect Corneria and blow up Andross’ base, and they’re on opposite ends of the galaxy, things are going to get a little frantic. So you fly around, and when you come in contact with an enemy fighter, battleship, or occupied planet, you’ll go into battle mode. Which, basically means not the map.

The problem here is that the SNES’ 3D powers are kinda weak and flying around full 3D space is very disorienting. Once you get used to it though, it’s kinda fun. Planets and battleships are less of a problem, obviously. The main objective of said battle mode is to shoot down whatever it is you came in contact with, or destroy the enemy bunker, if you’re on a planet. Bosses will (seemingly) randomly show up on the map screen to challenge, and they’re really just an extended version of the basic enemy fighter battles; bigger weapons and longer lifebars.

One of the really cool things about StarFox 2 is that on planets, you can transform your arwing into a bipedal robot. It’s a little easier to control and aim with, and makes the fighter mode seem dull. There are also three different arwing models to choose from, each with it’s own strenghts, weaknesses, and special weapons, which means your game can be easier or harder depending on your craft.

The downside to the game is that there’s only the one “mission” to play. It gets really exciting/challenging on Expert mode, but after playing so much of Command, it seems a little lacking. Compared to the original StarFox, however, it seems to be on par. They also give you your mission stats and ranking when you finish the game, and the game even keeps track of your records. Really, it’s a shame that StarFox 2 was never (officially) released, because it’s an exceptionally neat game, and I think I might have spent even more hours on this one than I did on the original if I’d had access to it as a kid. I’d say Nintendo should refine it and release it on the Wii’s Virtual Console, but really, they’ve already done it with Command.

Never turn your back on it

Yep. I know I didn’t post an article last week. And so the streak ends. It was a good run though. Anyhow, I’ve been at the cottage for the last four days, and damn did I get a lot accomplished. Most importantly, I learned to bake pie. This is probably going to end up a bad thing though, because now I can create pie whenever I want, and it’ll likely be my downfall. Secondly, I finished Kingdom Hearts 2 with a 100% completion rate. It was a bitch, but I did it. I’m proud of myself. And the game was pretty awesome too. A little easy due to Forms being totally broken, but fun no less. So now, links!

The Top Ten Unmanliest Superheroes

Your Band Name Sucks: 50 of the Inexcusably Worst

The truthiness about bears

My new favourite video ever (NSFW)

This is a little entertaining. Kinda.

IGN Wii’s Retro Remix takes a look at Earthbound

TE is on… Super Smash TV!

[Editor’s Note: This was riginally written as a guest article. I changed some obvious phrases, but it something doens’t make sense, just keep that in mind]

Now it’s a bit odd, but I decided that I m posting an article here when it was intended to be a guest article for another site. Weird, no? Well that’s the way it’s going to be, and you’re going to have to deal with it. I ran out of time, and it’s the only backup I had left. Sure this contains very little of the brilliance of my regular articles, but it shall be something to read nonetheless. The pictures are as well low-budget, as I don’t want to take the time to take screenshots if I’m not even doing this seriously, so I just stole them from a Google image search.

This review is obviously (as long as you took the time to read the link and the title) about the game Super Smash TV. It’s a game that I really enjoy, and was playing a lot for a while back in October. The game is very simplistic, as it is derived from an arcade game of a similar name. While the arcade version might have a few extra scenes and (slightly) better looking models (I think, I only glanced at one screenshot. In the console version, they look like ugly men.), there probably isn’t a whole lot of difference between the two.

The game is basically you and possibly a friend running around a maze, killing hordes of enemies and picking up a bunch of prizes along the way. It’s set up as some sort of futuristic game show, and I think it’s pretty accurate, as with the current trend of violence-loving and reality TV, a real life Smash TV might not be far off. But that sad, sad fact aside, the game is pretty fun. It’s also pretty hard, and I can’t get too far without cheating. There are tons of enemies, way more than in any Gauntlet game, even. And the bosses have tons of life and really enjoy killing you.

Even though it’s almost always the same thing over and over, I find that the game doesn’t get too boring after playing it a lot. The only real different rooms are the cash rooms and bosses. The only annoying part of the game is at the end of a level, when your points are tallied up. It’s fine if you do badly, but if you get a lot of stuff, it can take a long time to add up all your points. And the worst part is that you can’t skip it, you have to sit for 1 to 3 minutes waiting for the points to count up.

Now like I said, you basically just go around shooting stuff. Enemies constantly flood out of each side of the room, and you just can’t stop them. Fortunately, there are a whole bunch of power-ups to help take the gaggles of goons out. A bunch of weapons are at your disposal, like machine guns, rocket launchers, and spread shots. Then there are other things like the speed-up, invincibility, and a shield. The only thing is that the rooms last a long time, and the power-up don’t last nearly long enough to be of maximum use. But they do appear quite often, so it sort of balances out.

The bosses, on the other hand, are incredibly hard to beat if you’re not cheating. They’re pretty big, have a lot of weapons, and are slightly faster than yourself. Not only that, but they take forever to kill, and most of the time, your forced to use special weapons because normal guns don’t work at all. So not only are they very hard to not get killed by, but they take forever to beat, too. If there is an upside, it’s that the third one (I think) looks just like the announcer guy, and I thought that was pretty funny.

Now that I’m done with the summary, here’s my point tally.

Graphics:
They look fine for the SNES, and I think they’re mostly the same as the arcade version. The only real downside is that the game show babes are beastly. The greatest thing is that there can be about 40 things moving on the screen at the same time with no slowdown whatsoever. Or at least none that I can recall. 8

Sound & music
I can’t really remember there being any music. I guess it was all drowned out by the shooting and the dying. There are a few voice samples for the announcer, and they’re pretty good compared to most voice samples in game of that time. And by that, I mean that you can tell what he’s saying. 6

Controls
This is where the game really shines. You control your guy with the d-pad, and which way he shoots with the face buttons, so you can move and shoot in different directions. If you’re playing the ROM and have a dual-analog gamepad, try setting movement to one stick and shooting to the other. I couldn’t get it to work, but I imagine it would work very nicely. 10

Fun
It’s good fun, and is just as good with two players. It can really get competitive if you’re both obsessed with getting all the loot, so it really adds to the fun of the game. It loses a few points because the bosses take way too long to kill and the game is just too damn hard to get very far. 8

Overall
I enjoy the game, but not in extended periods of time. I might beat a few rooms one day, save state, play a few rooms the next day, and so on. The lack of notable/memorable music is a real downer for me, but that just means I can turn off the sound and pop in one of my CDs without feeling cheated out of awesome music. It’s games like this that are the foundation of what an arcade should be. We need less of those damned shooting and fighting games and more of the old-school adventureish games like this or that Ninja Turtles arcade game. Overall, I’ll give it a 7.

So that’s about it. I do feel a little low for posting this on my site, it’s not exactly up to my general standards. But what can I say, it took me about an hour to write, including the time it took me to figure out what I’d write about, get the pictures, and write the thing. So I guess the last little note I should tack on here is that if you’ve got a friends nearby and a couple of PC gamepads, go download this ROM now, or buy one of the many classic arcade compilations that have this game on it. It’s a game worth trying out, and as I’ve said for many a game before this, it’s great for killing time.

TE Reviews 6 Indie PC Games

Here we go again. More Goddamned video games. You must be getting pretty damned sick of these things by now. Well that’s too ding-dong bad for you, because I’m gonna be doing video game reviews until Torrential Equilibrium goes belly up!

That little foreplay all said and done, there’s a small twist to today’s video game review. This review is actually six reviews. Six reviews of six different independently-developed PC games. These aren’t your regular PC games like Doom or The Sims. No, these were made by students, tiny companies, and dudes with nothing better to do. All have garnered at least a little internet fame, so you know they’re gonna be good. Maybe. A couple are really out there, and I can’t guarantee you’ll like them all, but make sure to give ’em all a try, at least. Because I like them all. After all, how many articles are written about things I don’t like. The answer is: More than I care to count, but I’m pretty sure it’s less than ten.

Oh yeah, and I’m not entirely sure if “indie” is the proper word to be using here, but there isn’t really any better word to use, so imma run with it.

Our first game comes courtesy of Studio Pixel. To be completely honest, I actually found out about this company on Last.FM. Odd, no?

Anyhow, this game is called “Glasses” and is about as complex as a Game & Watch title (on the surface…). As the little man, your job is to catch the falling glasses with your face. The better aligned the glasses are with your giant head, the more points you score. You even get a bonus point if you get a jump catch. It works in three “heats,” so to speak. Each time, the pair of glasses falls a little quicker, and at the end, your points are totaled and you get a comment based on how well you do.

And that’s pretty much the extent of the game. It literally takes about a minute to play. So why do I choose it to review? Maybe because I don’t have to exert any effort to get it done? Nope! I choose it because as simple as it is, I found it damn addictive. Seriously. If you’re anything like me, you’ll play it over and over again until you have a perfect score, and then keep playing it over and over again because it’s rather fun for a game that doesn’t really amount to anything more than a minor distraction. And I do recommend that you keep playing until you get a perfect score (or at least 30 of a possible 33), not only because some of the comments are slightly funny, but also because there’s a little something for those talented enough to do really well… I won’t spoil it, but it is pretty wicked sweet.

High recommendation for this one, not only because it’s a fun little distraction, but also because the music is just as kickass as the gameplay. Possibly even moreso. You can find the English version on this page (god knows there isn’t much to translate) or since it’s so damned small, download it directly from me.

The second game on my list is another less-than-complicated title called Seiklus. I’d made by some dude who goes by the name of clysm. I found this one thanks to the “101 free games” article that 1up.com ran some time ago.

Seiklus is a very simple game. You play as a little white guy, and you pretty much jump and climb around the world. There aren’t any real enemies to deal with, and obstacles don’t hurt you or anything, so you don’t really have to worry about anything. The game is really just based around exploring and adventure.

So what purpose does the adventuring serve? Well, there’s a small cutscene at the beginning, in which your little guy gets knocked off his star(?) and separated from his supposed girlfriend. He then lands in a grassy field, and so begins the quest. So I’m assuming that your objective is to return to the star. But there’s a snag. You’ve gotta collect these multi-coloured bubbles to open a door, which I assume leads home. I haven’t been able to find all the bubbles yet, so I’m not entirely sure. There’s a second door as well, but I have no idea what that one’s for. There are also a handful of little “artifacts” scattered all over the place, which seem to have special effects of some sort.

Overall, the game has a very peaceful way about it, just letting you explore where you want when you want. It doesn’t really force you to do anything, and the map is pretty huge, with many different paths to take. The places you wind up are pretty varied, and the few events that take place are kinda neat. Plus, since I haven’t finished it yet, you can tell that it’s not as easy as it is laid-back. Sure, I’ve only logged in about three hours max, but people have flown through Metroid Prime in two hours. There’s some kind of logic in there somewhere, but I can’t be bothered to try to explain it.

the graphics are rather plain, but I doubt the game would be as charming with any more detail. Besides, there are some neat little effects here and there. The music also fits it to a tee, working very well with each area. I think the best way to describe it is “Earthbound meets Relentless.” But then again, I doubt many of you have ever played the awesome game that is Relentless. I’d review it, but I don’t have a computer old enough to run it…

Like Glasses, I totally recommend this one. You’ll need a little more free time to fully enjoy this one, but there’s a handy save feature, so you don’t have to get it all done in one run. Though you likely will if you’ve got the time to spare. This one can really suck you in. Download it here.

I learned about the next game from one of my new favourite blogs. While he was more talking about the game that will be included with Half-Life Episode 2, Portal, he linked to a similar game called Narbacular Drop, which was apparently the base idea for Portal. Obviously, I downloaded.

Simply put, I very much liked what I got. While Narbacular Drop is a DigiPen student project, meaning it’s rather short, it’s an incredible game. Hell, it’s an incredible experience.

So what’s the game all about? You play as a princess who’s been captured by a demon. With the help of some Mountain God or something, you can create doors in the walls of a room that link to each other. It’s a little hard to explain, but I’ll try. Assume you put one door on the north wall of a room, and one on the south. If you were to walk into one, you would come out the other. Well, maybe that wasn’t so hard after all. It’s pretty simple, but it’s enough to keep you entertained for a long time. Just the idea of being able to bend space is pretty enticing, I think. The ways that the level designers used the ability in the various rooms is pretty good, and there are a good handful of traps to avoid and puzzles to solve before you escape the dungeon.

The graphics are clearly the best of any game in this feature, not quite current-gen quality, but definitely a few steps above the N64/PS1 era. Textures are nicely done and put Super Mario Sunshine to shame, but the lava is unconvincing to say the least. There’s only like two music tracks in the whole game, and I can’t say that I can recall whether they were any good or not. But that’s not the point! Defying the laws of the universe is more than enough to satisfy me!

so yeah. Narbacular Drop pretty much rocks, and you can bet that I’ll be getting me some Half-Life Episode 2 just for Portal. You can check out the ND website and download the game here. High recommendation in this corner.

I was aiming to get games from five different sources, but that seems impossible now. Game number four is another Studio Pixel effort, and easily their most popular offering. Play it and you’ll see just why.

Cave Story is very much the same as Glasses in some ways, and very different in other ways. The main similarities would be the graphics and music. The game is drawn in a style that resembles maybe a GameBoy Colour at best, but exudes enough personality and charm that it really doesn’t need to look any better. The music is also pretty aged, but entirely awesome. There’s even a little jingle when you pick up power-ups that will bring back memories of Metroid.

And speaking of Metroid, Cave Story is not quite, but very close to being Metroidvania. (For the uninformed, “Metroidvania” refers to a game with open-ended exploration, where gaining power-ups gives you access to new areas. Like the Metroid series or any of the more recent Castlevania games, hence Metroidvania.) This is where it differs ever so greatly from Glasses. You’ve got a whole world to explore, treasures to find, secrets to uncover, and a plot to follow. And the best part of all, you play as an adorable little robot!

So basically what we’ve got here is run, jump and shoot. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best kind of game. As I mentioned, you’re a little robot, and you wind up having to stop some demented Doctor. HOLD TEH FONE IS MEGAMANS! Well, not quite. I won’t spoil the story or anything though. Along the way, you’ll acquire a sizeable collection of weapons and power-ups, navigate many, many tunnels, and go up against some monstrous bosses.

I don’t have much else to say. I could start rambling and go into heavy detail about everything, but I think we’d all prefer if I didn’t. the final word though, is that Cave Story is a very sweet game, and God damn you’re missing out if you’re wasting your time reading this instead of playing it. Go download it right now. Or maybe later, when you’ve got some free time. Either way is fine with me, really.

Ooh! And one last little tip for if you do actually go play it. Once you find the machine gun, get it to level 3, then jump and shoot downwards. You’ll never have to worry about anything again!

Another game that was brought to my attention by 1up‘s “101 Free games” article, Akuji the Demon is another great little title that you’ll find looming around on the internet. I have no idea who this comes from, as I have no understanding of crazy-speak (Japanese), but that matters very little in the long run.

I talked about Cave Story fitting more or less into the Metroidvania sub-genre, and Akuji the Demon is a definite Metroidvania title. It’s all about exploring the game world, searching for your next power-up/ability. The only real difference is that you collect a number of crystal skulls to increase your life, rather than simple energy tanks or the like. Now I love Metroidvania titles more than pretty much anything, so I’m very happy with this title. The graphics are pixely, colourful and cute, and are rather entertaining. Just look at little Akuji! Whee! The music sounds like they just stole some midis from RPG Maker ’95, which is sad, but it’s something I got over pretty quickly.

I have little to no idea what the game is about, since it’s all in symbol-babble and I didn’t bother to find the translation patch (though it does exist out there somewhere). This was kind of a good thing, because I had to experiment every time I got a new item because I couldn’t read the help signs which would tell me what to do.

While the gameplay is pretty spectacular, there are some huge issues with the game. And when I say huge, I mean “you’ll get frustrated a little by them.” Firstly, you can’t change direction while jumping. This is a pain in the ass, especially if you’ve got a tendency to overshoot smaller platforms like I do. Secondly, the game is real short. To be fair, all of the games in this article are rather short, but you kind of expect more than an hour of gameplay from a game like Akuji. At least Cave Story takes between two and three.

In the end, though, Akuji the Demon is a darn fine game, and I recommend giving it a go. It’s not quite as awesome as Cave Story or as novel as Narbacular Drop, but it should do the trick. Go here and hit the second download link to, well, download it. You might also want to do a search for the translation patch, as I’m damn well not going to go find it for you.

I feel like kind of a sellout adding a Flash game onto this list, but we’ll consider it a special consideration, for reasons I don’t feel like explaining. In any case, I’m very, very hooked on Motherload. It’s no surprise either, because it comes from the same team that made Defend Your Castle (My all-time favourite Flash game), XGen Studios.

Simply put, the game is about mining for treasure. You’re a little digging… thing… on the surface of (what they call) Mars, and your task is to dig into the planet and unearth its precious minerals. Like so many games in this article, it’s simple. It’s damned addictive too. You know why? Because they put in little “cut-scenes” when you get so far down, and if you’re like me, you just have to know what happens at the next target depth.

But getting down there isn’t as easy as holding the down key. Nope, you’ve got fuel, armour, and a treasure hold to deal with, as well as about a half-dozen different hazards. When you bring minerals back to the surface, you get cash rewards depending on how valuable the goods are. With this cash, you refuel, fix up your hull, and… wait for it… BUY UPGRADES! Yes, that’s right. You get to buy upgrades for your little digger. Now you know exactly why I’ve been playing this game obsessively for the last week. If there are upgrades to be bought, I will buy them. That’s precisely why I don’t play MMORPGs.

Anyway, assuming you manage to play long enough to save up for all the best upgrades (which takes for-friggin’-ever) and reach the max depth (there’s got to be one, right?) you’ll probably quit playing. I can’t imagine you’d want to put yourself through that a second time. The first time isn’t overly fun, really, it’s just the burning desire to collect the best everything that’ll keep you going after about ten minutes. I hate speaking against it, but the truth must be told. It just doesn’t have anywhere near as much raw fun power as Defend Your Castle.

Besides that little hiccup, I still suggest you try it out. If you’ve got the lust for power-ups, you’ll love it. If not, well, ten minutes. Max. Maybe twenty if you’re bored. Luckily, it does have a save feature if you do end up going back, so as long as you don’t destroy your cookies or that junk, you won’t lose your hard work. Also, since it’s a Flash game, there’s no need to download it! Lucky!

And that pretty much sums it all up. I know there are tons more games out there on the net, and maybe some are more deserving of being seen here (I can list a couple), but I’ve made my choices. I’m sticking with ’em, too. If you didn’t know, I had the first five reviews up on the blog, so sticking them in article form is a little redundant since I keep all my blog archives. Of course, there’s no reason you shouldn’t know that. Unless it’s like 2007 and you just stumbled onto this site and haven’t read the blog archives. Then it’s okay not to know. End.

Almost free

DADADADA DA DA, TURTLE POWER!

In other news, I discoverd that they sell Pocky down at the local supermarket, and since it seems to be all the rage with the internet nerd crowd, I figured I’d best give it a try. I’ll admit that I was a little wary of it at first, but I picked out a pack of strawberry-flavoured Pocky and decided to giv’er. Turns out it’s actually pretty tasty. I wouldn’t say it’s worth all the hype behind it, but it is pretty good. That said, let’s move on.

Another game that was brought to my attention by 1up‘s “101 Free games” article, Akuji the Demon is another great little title that you’ll find looming around on the internet. I have no idea who this comes from, as I have no understanding of crazy-speak (Japanese), but that matters very little in the long run.

I talked about Cave Story fitting more or less into the Metroidvania sub-genre, and Akuji the Demon is a definite Metroidvania title. It’s all about exploring the game world, searching for your next power-up/ability. The only real difference is that you collect a number of crystal skulls to increase your life, rather than simple energy tanks or the like. Now I love Metroidvania titles more than pretty much anything, so I’m very happy with this title. The graphics are pixely, colourful and cute, and are rather entertaining. Just look at little Akuji! Whee! The music sounds like they just stole some midis from RPG Maker ’95, which is sad, but it’s something I got over pretty quickly.

I have little to no idea what the game is about, since it’s all in symbol-babble and I didn’t bother to find the translation patch (though it does exist out there somewhere). This was kind of a good thing, because I had to experiment every time I got a new item because I couldn’t read the help signs which would tell me what to do.

While the gameplay is pretty spectacular, there are some huge issues with the game. And when I say huge, I mean “you’ll get frustrated a little by them.” Firstly, you can’t change direction while jumping. This is a pain in the ass, especially if you’ve got a tendency to overshoot smaller platforms like I do. Secondly, the game is real short. To be fair, all of the games in this article are rather short, but you kind of expect more than an hour of gameplay from a game like Akuji. At least Cave Story takes between two and three.

In the end, though, Akuji the Demon is a darn fine game, and I recommend giving it a go. It’s not quite as awesome as Cave Story or as novel as Narbacular Drop, but it should do the trick. Go here and hit the second download link to, well, download it. You might also want to do a search for the translation patch, as I’m damn well not going to go find it for you.

Drunk on shadows and lost in life

There isn’t really anything I need to bring up or elaborate on today, so let’s just jump straight into today’s review, shall we?

I was aiming to get games from five different sources, but that seems impossible now. Game number four is another Studio Pixel effort, and easily their most popular offering. Play it and you’ll see just why.

Cave Story is very much the same as Glasses in some ways, and very different in other ways. The main similarities would be the graphics and music. The game is drawn in a style that resembles maybe a GameBoy Colour at best, but exudes enough personality and charm that it really doesn’t need to look any better. The music is also pretty aged, but entirely awesome. There’s even a little jingle when you pick up power-ups that will bring back memories of Metroid.

And speaking of Metroid, Cave Story is not quite, but very close to being a Metroidvania. (For the uninformed, “Metroidvania” refers to a game with open-ended exploration, where gaining power-ups gives you access to new areas. Like the Metroid series or any of the more recent Castlevania games. Hence, Metroidvania.) This is where it differs ever so greatly from Glasses. You’ve got a whole world to explore, treasures to find, secrets to uncover, and a plot to follow. And the best part of all, you play as an adorable little robot!

So basically what we’ve got here is run, jump and shoot. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best kind of game. As I mentioned, you’re a little robot, and you wind up having to stop some demented Doctor. HOLD TEH FONE IS MEGAMANS! Well, not quite. I won’t spoil the story or anything though. Along the way, you’ll acquire a sizeable collection of weapons and power-ups, navigate many, many tunnels, and go up against some monstrous bosses.

I don’t have much else to say. I could start rambling and go into heavy detail about everything, but I think we’d all prefer if I didn’t. The final word though, is that Cave Story is a very sweet game, and God damn you’re missing out if you’re wasting your time reading this instead of playing it. Go download it right now. Or maybe later, when you’ve got some free time. Either way is fine with me, really.

Ooh! And one last little tip for if you do actually go play it. Once you find the machine gun, get it to level 3, then jump and shoot downwards. You’ll never have to worry about anything again!

I wish I could, but it’s too late

It’s just a rumor, but the idea that we might get an Earthbound compilation makes me sqee with joy.

Also, Dragon Quest IX might be Wii-exclusive. You can’t tell, but I’m crying tears of happiness.

Sweet-ass Twilight Princess art.

Cactuar might be reason enough to get Mario Hoops 3-on-3.

Article up sometime tonight. Sometime. Don’t know when yet. Whenever I get bored, I guess.

TE Top 10 – Funnest Video Game Moments

I don’t know how many times I’ve started an article with this fact, but I play a lot of video games. Perhaps too many, but not nearly as many as some of the real hardcore people. Why do I play video games? Mostly because they’re fun. At least, a good 40% or so are fun. The other 60% are licensed crap and RPGs (not a typo). Most of the good ones are fun in their own special way too, and that’s why it’s good to play a large variety; you never know what’s gonna amuse you next.

I’ve clearly taken it upon myself to make up a list. And not just any list, but a list of the ten absolute most fun things to do in video games. And while my ego does like to believe that my list is absolute, it is in reality only my personal list. You may disagree on some counts (as they’re somewhat sadistic), but I’m sure you’ll agree that most of them are in fact awesome, even if you wouldn’t put them on your own list.

To slim things down a bit and keep a little less bias about than usual, I’ve weeded out any ideas that are too general. Basically, I’m going to ignore entire games and multiplayer modes in general (for the most part) because let’s face it, the list would be Super Smash Bros Melee ten times over if I didn’t. Mind you, I didn’t spend a whole lot of time coming up with the list (only about two hours), but I think I got the essentials down. You should also take note that they’re not in any particular order, because there’s no way I’d ever be able to decide. So with the intro out of the way, let’s hop to it!

Smashing Opponents Into The Electric Fence

Game: Super Mario Strikers

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: While Super Mario Strikers is a ton of fun in general, there’s one thing that really brings it above any other Mario Sports title: the amount of mayhem. While a game of Mario Kart can get pretty heated, it’s nothing compared to Strikers. The explosions, the Bowser, the hitting. You could piss away entire games simply body checking any poor soul that makes the mistake of getting too close and still enjoy the game to pretty damn well near its full potential. The thing that makes this even better is that the pitch is surrounded by an invisible barrier. What’s so great about that? well when you hit an enemy into it, they find out the hard way that it’s coursing with a many million volts. If 10,000v is the maximum real world voltage for an electric fence, then this one is likely around a couple megavolts. Anyhow, I find this extremely fun not only in the fact that I’m frying my opponents good, but also because they always let out a very painful-sounding scream as the electricity courses through their bodies. I told you some of these would be a little sadistic.

Traditional Super Mario Games

Game: Super Mario Bros/Super Mario Bros 3/Super Mario World/New Super Mario Bros

Platform: NES/ARC/GBC/GBA/SNES/DS

Fun Rating: 9/10

Description: I really didn’t want to include entire games (nevermind a whole series) in this, and rather just elements of games, but it’s too damned hard not to give a mention to Mario platformers. They’ve always been the cream of the crop as far as video games go, and you can always play them over and over. Mario’s the most recognizable video game character ever, and with good reason. People all over the world were enchanted by Super Mario Bros and many still hail it as one of the best games ever, and when it isn’t mentioned, it’s usually replaced by SMB3 or Super Mario World. Not only were the games fun because of their simple and addictive gameplay, but also because they could frustrate the Hell out of even the greatest players. Not catching on? Maybe the words “Outrageous” and “Tubular” will get those synapses firing. Lastly, I won’t spoil it, but New Super Mario Bros has like the greatest final boss fight ever. At least for a side-scroller.

Being A Zombie

Game: Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without A Pulse

Platform: PC/XBox

Fun Rating: 7/10

Description: I knew right away when I heard about Stubbs the Zombie that I had to have it. Even though the game turned out very differently than I’d imagined while reading about it, it still pleased me to no end when I finally got down to playing it. I don’t think there’s been a video game that’s let you be a zombie before (aside from a couple power-ups or bonus-games), and my dream came true with Stubbs. Its a pretty linear game, and doesn’t afford you a lot of options (early on, anyway), but it’s incredibly fun. Stubbs can do all sorts of awesome things like eat brains and create a horde of zombies. You can even rip off people’s arms and use them to beat other bystanders to death. Nearly 100 times more fun than a boring ol’ baseball bat. Posessing humans is pretty nifty too, and I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of using Stubbs’ “unholy flatulence” move. The only thing that really brings the experience down is that the game occasionally forces you to play as a [posessed] human, and the death of that host means having to start the area over. All in all though, playing for the zombie team is about as good as it gets.

Rolling People Into A Katamari

Game: Katamari Damacy/We Love Katamari/Me & My Katamari

Platform: Playstation 2/PSP

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: I don’t know how many times I have to reiterate this: the Katamari Damacy series is the best thing to happen since opposable thumbs. The music is insane, the graphics are hilarious, and well, the gameplay was good enough to make me buy a PS2 (and maybe even a PSP, should it get a little cheaper). You’d never think that rolling things up into a ball would be as much fun as this, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t. And while rolling up onigiris and shoes is all well and good, the really fun part (at least for me) is when you get to roll up the wandering residents of the Earth. Many games have memorable moments, but none are quite the same as the first time your katamari is large enough to roll up a child. Oh, those little guys can run. It’s a truly amazing experience, and if you hadn’t been sold on the Katamari idea up to that point, once you start hearing the screams of terror from your freshly rolled high-school basketball team, you’ll definitely realize just why this series has the following it does.

Holding Up Soldiers

Game: Metal Gear Solid: the Twin Snakes/Metal Gear Solid 2/Metal Gear Solid 3

Platform: Nintendo GameCube/Playstation 2/XBox

Fun Rating: 6/10

Description: It may not be the most exhiliarating thing on the list, but there is definitely something to be said for the hold-up tactic found in all the Metal Gear Solid games since MGS2:Sons of Liberty (though the mini-game-esque “Hold Up Mode” was only in Substance). Playing with the guards and soldiers is a huge plus for the series, especially since getting through the main games doesn’t take too long (cutscenes aside), and possibly the most entertaining thing you can do to them is the hold-up. A vital tactic for procuring dog tags in The Twin Snakes and Sons of Liberty, the hold-up is exectuted by simply sneaking up behind your target and readying your gun. Walking in front of them and using first-person mode will scare them into dropping a dog tag (or other goods), and from there, they’re yours to play with. You can proceed to shoot out their radios, injure various limbs, or just shoot them in the ass to make them jump. some are even would-be heroes and try to pull their guns on you after you hold them up. Pumping a bullet into them will put ’em back in line.

Drenching Isle Delfino Residents

Game: Super Mario Sunshine

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 5/10

Description: If the FLUDD is good for anything, it’s annoying the crap out of all the NPCs in Super Mario Sunshine. A past-time that I don’t tire of quickly, soaking anyone nearby doesn’t rank too highly on my list, but it’s still a good wad of fun. Nokis try to take that fun away by simply retreating ito their shells, but the vast majority of Piantas will get all flustered and make a huge fuss about it. If only they’d actually take action after so long (I’m thinking they could exact revenge like the cuccos in Zelda games)… And then there’s Toadsworth. While the basic Toads just screech a little and act like they’re going to melt, the mustachioed mushroom lets out the most hilarious “YAAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!!” you’ll ever hear. That yelp alone is worth the place on this list. There are a lot of fun things to do in Super Mario Sunshine, but squirting Toadsworth makes me giggle like a schoolgirl every time.

Wasting Those Other Links

Game: Zelda: Four Swords Adventures/Zelda: A Link to the Past & Four Swords

Platform: Nintendo Gamecube/GBA

Fun Rating: 10/10

Description: Four Swords isn’t exaclty Zelda as you know it. It’s pretty close, but it’s got something no other has: multiplayer. While it’s multiplayer that encourages teamwork, it also makes sure to allow for plenty of friendly fire. Adventuring through stage after stage can get a little tiring, and every now and then, you just have to let loose and start murdeing any other Links that get close. Whether you’re doing it to steal Force Gems because you’re a backstabbing traitor (me), because you feel the need to start a war between the Links (also me), or just because throwing your friend off a cliff seemed like a fun idea (me again), killing each other can be far more fun than playing through the game proper. Four Swords Adventures even includes a battle mode tailored specifically to meet your teamkilling needs. Of course, there aren’t actually teams in that mode, but you know what I mean. The weapons and items in the games provide you with endless ways to burn, slash, stab, trample, explode, pierce, and throw your friends. There’s even an item in battle mode that unleashes a cucco who will rip out an opponent’s heart. Joy!

Playing Anakin (Or Any Sith, Really)

Game: Star Wars Epidoe III: Revenge of the Sith

Platform: Playstation 2/XBox/GBA/DS

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: I know there are tons of Star Wars games out there where you can play a Dark Side character, but for the sake of brevity, I’m going to focus on Revenge of the Sith for this article. Yes, plenty of games let you be bad guys and perform actions not sanctioned by basic human morals, but Star Wars games really hand evil to you on a platter. I get much more satisfaction from watching an alien squirm as I crush his throat than I do from pumping bullets into people. The RotS games let you choose from Obi-Wan and Anakin, and Anakin is clearly the choice if you’re playing for the fun of it. Obi-Wan tends to be easier to play, but his is a more defensive game, while Anakin’s game focuses almost entirely on offense. Watching legions of battle droids crumble beneath the might of my Dark Side Force powers is a sight that couldn’t ever get old. The console version is even better, intensifying everything with fancy effects and superior lightsaber duels. I can see why so many Jedis fall to the Dark Side… It’s just so awesome.

Running Down Pedestrians

Game: The Simpsons: Road Rage/The Simpsons: Hit & Run

Platform: Nintendo GameCube/Playstation 2/Xbox/GBA/PC

Fun Rating: 7/10

Description: Yes, you can run over pedestrians in most driving games (and shame shame double shame to those in which you can’t). I know this. I know this well. But in most games they just go splat and then you get out and take their money. In the Simpsons games, the pedestrian-smashing is a little more humorous. You see, rather than pulling a Frogger, the pedestrians in the Simpsons games will bounce into the air when they get smacked by a car, giving players the impression that they’re all made entirely of rubber. Don’t ask me why I like this way of hitting people so much more, but I do. In fact, I was originally going to use GTA3 as a headliner for this entry, but decided against it when I remebered how much more fun it is when Homer runs somebody down than when some run-of-the-mill mobster does it. The funny noise it makes helps too.

Bomberman Multiplayer!

Game: Bomberman Generation

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 10/10

Description: Yeah, okay. So multiplayer in nearly any Bomberman game is stellar (except that XBox 360 abortion they call Bomberman: Act Zero). This is a well-known fact to nearly everyone. But I come here today intent on stressing how much I love the multiplayer mode in Bomberman Generation. Sure, you could just play the regular old blast-the-other-guys mode (which is A-OK, don’t get me wrong), but I’m totally enamored with the ultra-frantic Dodge Battle. You don’t get any bombs, and neither do your opponents. Sounds weak, but there’s a catch: bombs fall from the sky! The basic idea is to avoid them and be the last one standing, and playing that way is cool, but there’s even more. Each Bomberman starts equipped with both kick and punch abilities, so you can still put your back into getting your enemies killed, even if it’s not the traditional way. There are some more special modes, but they don’t kick nearly as much ass. You can read about ’em all in my Bomberman Generation FAQ… somewhere. It’s on this site and GameFAQs, but I don’t feel like linking to either one at the moment.

So that’s it for now. I’m sure that there are some great moments that I’ve forgotten, but I’m content with my list. Surely games of the future will bring even more memorable moments, and I’m looking forward to all of them. I can’t really think of anything else that needs to be said to conclude this, so off I go!

Ryan’s Ultimate Challenge

January 2006 was a hard month for me. due to some less-tan-mysterious circumstances, I had been left without home internet access. It may come as a bit of a shock to you, but the internet plays a very big part in my life. It serves as my connection to music, games, socialization, literature, news, and much more. Not only that, but by now you’ve probably figured out that I write for at least one website. So a month without internet access really bummed me out.

Like many, when I’m unhappy, only one thing can satiate me. And that thing is cookies. But really, cookies have nothing to do with where I’m going here. Without the interweb, I was forced to find alternate methods to entertain myself. After blazing through my increasingly monstrous DVD collection, I realized that sitting idly at watching TV and movies all day wasn’t going to be enough. No, I needed something more interactive. Something I could really get myself into. Eventually, it came to me that what I needed was a challenge.

So I set off into the dark depths of all the stuff I own. This eventually brought me to the computer. Since the internet was dead, the ol’ compy wasn’t getting a whole lot of use. Heck, it had gone for at least a week without use. So I booted her up and decided to scour my files for some much-needed diversion. I got to my ROM folder, and after smacking down all three MegaMan X games, cheating my way through the two SNES Castlevania games (you finish them legitimately, then you can berate me for cheating), and travelling halfway across Yoshi’s Island, I finally found it. The challenge I was looking for: Mickey’s Ultimate Challenge.

It stared me in the face for a minute, and then I decided that I would undertake this challenge. It was, by name at least, the Ultimate Challenge, so how could I say no? If I could prevail over the most ultimate of challenges, there would be nothing I couldn’t do. So I loaded the ROM and braced myself for what was sure to be the hardest thing I would ever do (except for that time I went back in time and drew the Nazca lines all by myself while using my telekinetic powers to construct Stonehenge and slay the dinosaurs, of course).

The game started as one might expect, with developer logos and copyright pages all over the place. I didn’t have to defeat any of them, and as such was a little disappointed. A real ultimate challenge would start the moment you boot up the ROM. Probably even before. So I pressed on.


The game then offered me two choices. Firstly, I was to pick between Mickey or Minnie as my avatar. While I have a tendency to pick female characters just as much as any other man, I felt it would be better to choose the buff, masculine character for this particular trial. After that, the game proceeded to offer me cake. I was ready to accept, too, but it quickly dawned on me that the game was more than likely trying to divert me from my goal. I couldn’t have that, so I passed on the cake, as delicious as it would have been, skipped right past this “medium” thing, since I’ve been having no trouble with wayward spirits, and dug right into my challenge.

By this point, I had had more then enough of this preamble, but the game decided that it would continue trying to stall me. This time it tried to get me to read some sort of story about a story, probably intending to make me too confused or bored to continue. But nigh! I prevailed over the sequence of pictures and words, and with my head held high, I continued on my quest. I had passed the first test, but it was a simple one, and I was more than ready for the harder trials that were sure to follow.

I was caught off-guard when I discovered myself falling from the sky onto a tower of a castle. I got up and dusted myself off, wondering what the game was trying to accomplish. It was then that I met a guard patrolling the area. He informed me that I has arrived in the Beanwick Kingdom, but I could see past his armored exterior that he was really a weasel! If there’s one animal I don’t trust, it’s weasels. But just as I was about to give him the old one-two, the ground shook violently below us and I cracked a joke about how the place should be called the “Jumping-Beanwick Kingdom”. The weasel, clearly unamused by my knock at his homeland, informed me that the tremors were common in the land, and that if they continued as such, the place would be destroyed in a matter of weeks. I highly doubted him, but decided that if he was telling the truth, it would surely be a challenge worthy of being called ultimate to stop the earthquakes.

I could have sworn the weasel flipped me the bird when I turned to leave, but I wasn’t able to catch him in the act, and it would have been a waste of my time to deal with him anyway. So I hopped off the tower and immediately came upon another problem: I wasn’t able to jump out from between the two towers. It seemed hopeless for a while, but after examining all of my options and abilities, I discovered that I could perform not only a small hop, but also an extended jump. Why I would need two different jumps boggled my mind, but it was better not to think about it. I had no other discernable traits that might help me along the way, so I bounced back up to the doorway just left of the weasel’s tower. I couldn’t see anywhere that looked like a better starting point, so I entered the door.

Inside was a gigantic library, which I could have sworn was bigger than the entire castle was on the outside, nevermind the small tower in which it was located. Such an issue in proportions probably should have been looked into, but I had a challenge to seek out, and no too-big library was gonna stop me. So I wandered a little deeper in, and came across this snooty-looking thing that I had no idea what it was. A horse maybe? God could only tell, the damn thing was clothed in an outlandish green robe and decked out in some of the biggest bling I’d ever seen. I knew that talking to this slimeball was going to be a mistake, but I sucked it up, hoping maybe he knew a little about either where I could find a real challenge or how I could stop the earthquakes.

All the guy would tell me that his books needed sorting, and that he couldn’t do it due to the fact that he’d lost his glasses and couldn’t see well. Bastard asks me to do him a favour, yet refused to even tell me his name. But seeing as there may have been an ultimate challenge involved, I decided to help him after all. Sadly, the task of sorting books was not an ultimate challenge, but it definitely wasn’t as easy as it sounds. See, there were books flying around all over the place, and my job was to step on the properly lettered-books to spell out a secret word. The task was dumb and made no sense, but the thing that I had the biggest issue with was the Daisy Duck statue with gigantic breasts. Is it just me, or does that strike anyone else as inappropriate? Anyway, after “sorting” the books, the horse-thing begrudgingly thanked me and handed me a book as a reward. A book. how is that going to help me stop the earthquakes? Pissed like never before, I stormed out of the tower and moved on.

I crossed over the top of the castle, thinking that maybe the opposite tower would contain something of value. On my way, I’m sure that damned weasel flipped me off again. I vowed to push him over the parapet if he did it again.

After a long hour of trying desperately to climb the small branches that served as ledges leading up to the eastern tower (How could I have given up? Getting up there was a small challenge), I finally made it up and in, but just as I walked in the doorway I was smacked with a blast of magic! I looked up and saw Donald Duck dressed as a magician. Then I realized that that foul fowl has shrunk me down to the size of a Japanese man’s penis! My revenge would have to be swift and bloody, but first I would have to get back to my regular size. Donald informed me that he could reverse the spell if I helped him concoct the proper potion. Seeing as this was my only option, I hopped up onto his table and awaited instruction.

It was then that I noticed that the table was shaped like a small maze, and that there were potions laying about. Donald told me that if I could push all the potions into the hole at the top of the maze, they would create the spell he needed to restore me. So I did. Though it did take a while. For a while, it seemed like every time I got all the potions in the hole, the table’s layout would change and more potions would appear. I’ll admit that some of the mazes were tricky, but for the most part, they were just time-consuming. This was certainly no ultimate challenge. Barely a challenge at all, really. Anyway, I finally finished with the potions, and after Donald resized me, he apologized profusely and begged for mercy. I decided to spare his life since he was so pathetic, and as a thanks he handed me a pair of glasses. Hooray, more useless crap. I left quickly because I was beginning to change my mind about the whole “letting him live” bit.

After wandering around and pondering my next move a for a bit, the next logical step seemed to be to go into the main hall of the castle. After all, if anyone could help me with my ultimate challenge, it would be someone of high enough repute to be in the main part of the castle, and not the secluded towers. My hopes were dashed when I ran into Daisy Duck. She came up to me right away and pleaded for me to help her, and that she would reward me greatly if I did. Based on the “rewards” I’d gotten up to this point, I was tempted just to walk out and jump in the river, hoping for a hungry crocodile to happen by. Death sounded like a far better alternative to wasting my time on these rubes. But I couldn’t give up on the ultimate challenge! So I decided to listen to her pleas.

Daisy told me that she needed to get all the portraits in the hall dusted before anyone noticed and reported her to the proper authorities. The problem was that she’d misplaced her special orthopedic shoes, and couldn’t manage on the ladder. So I hopped up and dusted the shit out of those portraits. Unfortunately, the castle must have been designed by Ozwell Spencer, as there was a ridiculous trick to dusting these paintings. I had to dust two portraits of the same person back-to-back, or else they would quickly reclaim their covering of dust. It didn’t take me long to get the job done, because I’m so smart and handsome, and as promised, Daisy gave me a reward. Only this time the reward was well worth it, she had stolen a gold brick from the castle treasury for me! I was rolling in it now. Slightly more encouraged to continue my quest, I set off again to see if there was anyone else that might be willing to score me some more dosh.

There was one doorway on the castle that I hadn’t yet explored, and it was marked with a sign that said “drawbridge”, and noticing that the drawbridge was up, I chose to venture in to see if I could get it lowered. There was a good chance that the earthquakes were coming from somewhere outside the castle, after all.

Inside, I met up with Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Much like Daisy, they were in a huge panic, and I knew that this was my opportunity to get m’hands on another one of those lovely gold bars. So I asked them what was up, and they replied that the drawbridge mechanism was stuck, and that they would be beheaded if anyone found out. Knowing they were in mortal peril, I told them that I would help them for a price. They agreed and told me that if I pushed down the nearby pumps, the backup mechanism would go into effect and would lower the drawbridge. So I took up the challenge.

In the end, it didn’t turn out to be so much a challenge as a time waster. See, the pumps were also made up of a simple puzzle, and the whole ordeal played out like a big game of Simon. You know the one where the lights blink and you have to touch them in the right order? Yeah. A big pain in the ass. That’s what it was. I fixed that drawbridge good, and all I got in return was a stupid glass slipper. Well, on the positive side, something that looks that valuable must be worth a decent amount of cash, right? So I wasn’t entirely infuriated, but I was certainly unhappy that they weren’t able to come up with one measly gold brick between the three of them.

Now that I had explored the entirety of the castle (it’s not like there was much there. I’ve built more impressive castles out of LEGOs), I set out across the drawbridge to see what the rest of the Beanwick Kingdom has to offer me. Sadly, it only consisted of a well and a small blacksmith’s shop. Which happened to be shaped like a shoe. What is wrong with these people?

Inside the blacksmith’s shoe I found Goofy, who was clearly slacking off. Startled by my presence, he told me that there wasn’t much going on since he had no metal to work with. I feigned interest in what he had to say for a while, and he asked me if I’d like to play a game with him. At first I was reluctant, but he promised a reward. Today’s rewards have been mostly less that satisfactory, but I gave it one last try. Maybe this would be another big payout. Fate wasn’t on my side, but I don’t give up that easily.

Goofy’s “game” was a poor attempt at copying Mastermind. He put some objects in a toolbox and had me guess what they were and what order they were in. Only, he just told me how many I had right, and not which ones were right. The bastard’s loose comprehension of the rules made the game a lot harder than it should have been, as Mastermind is an easy frickin’ game, but it still wasn’t anything I would even dream of calling an ultimate challenge.

After defeating Goofy at someone else’s game, I gloated for a while until he started jabbing at me with his tongs. I dodged his attacks with all the grace of Napoleon Dynamite, and Goofy proceeded to toss a hammer at me. While it just barely whizzed past my head, I figured that it was time to skedaddle, so I took the hammer as a victory trophy and got out of there before he was able to line up another toss.

Unfortunately, now I had met everyone in the tiny kingdom and ended up with nothing but a load of junk and a gold bar. I was no closer to my goal of finding the ultimate challenge, and there was not a stone I had left unturned. But just before desperation got hold of me, I was smacked upside the head with a brilliant idea! I remembered that the horse-thing jackass from the library had mentioned that he was missing his glasses, and it all suddenly came together. I was sure that everyone I’d met had mentioned needing something that was currently in my possession. With the grandest of ideas, I started my long journey back to the castle, where I could surely get something good by trading away all the excess crap I was carrying.

A short time later, I had revisited everyone in the castle, and sadly, things had just gotten worse. My notion to trade away my useless junk was spot-on, but I was less than ecstatic about what I’d gotten in return. Not one, not even two or three, but all four of the castle residents (aside from the weasel, who I did end up pushing over the parapet) gave me stupid beans in exchange for their precious goods. What good was this? I even went back to Goofy’s and gave him my precious gold brick, and even he just gave me a lousy bean in return. I’d come to the conclusion that if nothing else, the people of this kingdom were horrible cheapskates. Pissed off, as I headed back to the castle to return some favours (if you know what I mean), I tossed the dumb beans in the well.

FOOM! The earth shook with all the force of a Bantha herd, the well exploded into a million little bits as a gigantic beanstalk grew from the hole. The beanstalk quickly rose straight up into the sky, so far that I could no longer see the top of it. while the whole scenario seemed a little overdone, I knew that the ultimate challenge laid wherever that beanstalk ended, so I hopped on up and climbed for what seemed like an eternity. I’m not an overly adept beanstalk climber, you see (it’s one of the few things I’m not awesome at), and that thing stretched a many hundred miles into the air. This alone was really leading me to believe that the ultimate challenge was definitely waiting for me at the top, so as tough as the climb was, I persevered until I reached the clouds and the very top of the oversized vine.

At the top of the vine, as cliché as it sounds, was a giant. He was sleeping, so I was safe for the moment. But as he snored, the clouds, of all things, rumbled like my innards after a plate of extra-spicy burritos. It must have been the giant’s snoring that was making the kingdom below shake so violently. Well, part of my quest was to stop the earthquakes, so it seemed like it was up to me to wake the beast. If that wasn’t going to be an ultimate challenge in itself, surely enduring the wrath of an annoyed giant would be. There was no turning back now. I crept up to the giant, and noticed a sliding puzzle. It was hard to tell, but it seemed that his alarm clock had been trapped in the puzzle. That’s the weirdest snooze button I’ve ever seen, but I guess that’s just how giants do it.

I tinkered for a good fifteen minutes with that sliding puzzle. It was a tricky one, but fortunately I had mastered the art of sliding puzzles during my adventures on the high seas that were once the kingdom of Hyrule. Eventually, I did manage to free the clock, and it rang like not clock has ever rang before. I guess it had a serious case of the blue bells from being trapped in that puzzle for so long. the giant had been awakened, an as I had predicted, he was none too happy about it. He got up and was ready to crush me when suddenly everything started getting all fuzzy. Within seconds the world went dark.

I rose from my daze and the first thing I thought to myself was that the search for the ultimate challenge had been nothing but a big waste of time. None of the tasks I accomplished were anything but time-consuming and boring. The sliding puzzle that held the clock would have posed a slight challenge for any lesser man, but even for the most inept puzzle solver, it wouldn’t have even come close to being hailed as the ultimate challenge. I was disappointed, and vowed that someday I would find the ultimate challenge, wherever it may lie. All I can tell you from this experience is that the Beanwick Kingdom certainly does not have anything that could even qualify as moderately challenging, and it’s residents are all horrible, horrible cheapskates. Every last one of ’em. Don’t ever go there, it’s not worth your time. It would take you far longer to explore the place yourself and come back disappointed than it did to read this account, so you’ve dodged a bullet this time. Just remember, I won’t always be here to save you from making bad decisions, but if I’ve kept one person from experiencing the embodiment of dull that is the Beanwick Kingdom, then I can go to my grave a happy man. This is the end of only a chapter in my tale of the search for the ultimate challenge, and maybe someday I’ll treat you to the rest of the story. For now, though, it’s PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!