A post full of thoughts in no logical order

Wow, its been a while since my last post. Not a record by far, but almost two weeks is a long time in the current TE era. I’ve been pretty good about slapping something up every few days for some time now, even if it’s just a dumb photo that I found entertaining for a few fleeting moments.

In an effort to start getting though my gigantic backlog of books – Wait what? Books? Yes books. I have a lot of them, but I haven’t read most of them. Anyway, I’ve decided I want to read more, so this week I’ve been making an honest effort to always have a book with me on the bus. Whether I’ll keep going once I’ve finished my current book, I don’t know, but here’s hoping!

The lack of blogging around these parts can be attributed mostly entirely to Pokémon White 2. Obviously. I blame Game Freak for working in a rather extensive achievement system. For every objective you clear, you’re presented with a medal, and when you get so many medals, you get a rank up. It’s not actually deeper than Xbox achievements or PS3 trophies, but the fact that the game makes such a big deal out of the medals makes them that much more appealing to collect. Too bad some of the requirements are completely ludicrous. Check out the list here.

I’ve been working on a big new post over the last little while. I think it’s going to end up being this month’s article, if just to fill the hole. Unfortunately, it is about video games. But it’s a little different in that it’s something of a history lesson with a little review packaged in for those interested. I don’t know. It’s not something I care about enough to link to on my Facebook page or anything, but it’ll have to do.

I’ve been reading Monster Planet this week, the last of a trilogy whose first two parts I’ve already talked about at length. I said that I thought Island and Nation would make great movies, because both of them are pretty briskly-paced and feature a fairly original take on the zombie genre. However, Planet takes it up to eleven and goes into full-blown crazypants video game territory. Now, instead of the occasional smart zombie who can control the mindless masses of undead, there is a whole cadre of liches, each with a unique magic power. It’s gotten kinda ridiculous, but I’m already two-and-a-third books deep, might as well git ‘r done. Full write-up coming soon!

Speaking of spooky things and video games, I’ve begun playing Silent Hill 2 again to half-assedly get into the spirit of Halloween. I thought I was going to do it right this time, playing alone in the dark, but I messed that up. Since I’m playing the HD Collection edition, my experience is being totally controlled by achievements, and as such my current playthrough has been paired with some extensive map-making and step-by-step instructions on how to get through the game as quickly as possible. At the very least, by the time I’m done with it, I’ll have become a master of the game.

I borrowed my brother’s copy of Cubivore to round out my October gaming palette. While the camera is awful and the overall experience is a little shallower than I’d hoped, I think it’s good enough to slake my thirst for Tokyo Jungle. For now.

Have you watched the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon yet? It’s fairly good! Not quite as good as the new TMNT comic series, but it’s definitely worth watching. I will admit that I’m a little disappointed that its demographic skews considerably younger than the 2003 TMNT series. I blame Nickelodeon. Though I suppose the best way to revive a franchise is to make sure it’s what all the li’l kids want for Christmas. A world where Turtles are plastered on every damn thing again would be a world I’d love to live in.

Xbox Minecraft got a big update recently, which is enticing. The price didn’t get cut though, so I’m still not buyin’ it.

I’m bad at getting into the Halloween spirit. I haven’t watched a single cheesy 80’s slasher flick yet. I feel like I’m failing pretty hardcore as a nerd. The Wife is forcing me to take her to Paranormal Activity 4 this weekend though, so I guess that’s at least one “scary” movie for the season. I just have trouble committing myself to 90-120 minutes of uninterrupted watching.

I don’t have nearly as much trouble watching TV or Let’s Play videos. Over the last two weeks I have watched both seasons of Better Off Ted, most of Arrested Development‘s second season, and Brickroad’s Metal Gear LP. Ted is… well, it’s okay. I enjoyed it as much as I did because it co-stars Portia de Rossi and Andrea Anders, both of whom I find very funny. The list of actresses (or even actors, it’s not a sexist thing) I really like is pretty short, but those two are definitely on it. It should be obvious that I much prefer comediennes to “serious” actresses. I also love the way de Rossi pronounces the word “anything.”

I don’t think there’s anything else relevant I can say so that I can add another tag to this post.

Oh, wait! New Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate trailer? Oh Hells yes!

More like “Retardedbution”

The Wife and I went to see Resident Evil: Retribution last weekend. I don’t think I’ve ever said “What the F?” so many times during a single film.

Yeah, it was pretty much as retarded as can be. And not retarded in an awesome way like Lollipop Chainsaw, but retarded in a “how did anyone think this was a good idea?” kind of way. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who liked the four previous Resident Evil movies, and went into the theater pretty excited for the next chapter.

The movie opens right where the last one left off, with Alice and a bunch of no-names on a huge boat and Umbrella…jets? I don’t know how do describe those things. Umbrella flying vehicles surrounding them. Only, it starts at the end of the scene, and the opening credits are set over the “battle” on the ship being played in reverse slow-mo. This is not a bad way to do your opening credits. Kind of artistic, but nothing super-original. The only problem I have with this is that Chris and Claire are on-screen for about three seconds and then vanish forever. They are nowhere else in the movie. It’s right after this scene that things go to Hell.

The opening credits are immediately followed up by Milla Jovovich spending ten minutes or so giving a rather thorough summary of the first movie, and then bits and pieces of the three sequels that preceded this one. Kind of odd that they spend so much time talking about the first one instead of the fourth film, Resident Evil: Afterlife, but it turns out to be foreshadowing, so I guess it’s okay. What’s not okay is that they just spent ten minutes of our movie summarizing the entire series up to this point! I know it’s Hollywood and they have to assume that all moviegoers are idiots, but geez. Once you’re in the fifth installment of a so-so action-horror franchise that’s (very) loosely based on a video game, you’re pretty much only attracting the people who’ve seen the other movies and need closure.

Then, then they have the gall to show us the boat battle. Again. In normal speed and not backwards. Again, you’re just doing this for the morons who didn’t understand the slo-mo-rewind version that they just saw ten minutes ago. There’s no need to show this scene a second time! We got it!

After that, there’s a “dream sequence” that does serve as more foreshadowing, sort of, but is still not entirely necessary. If you’re keeping track, after the opening credits are done, roughly the next half hour of movie is a big waste of time. Why could this time not have been spent fleshing out the plot a little better? Maybe instead of telling us stuff we (should) already know and showing duplicate scenes and a stupid dream sequence, maybe explain a little bit about the damn viruses! That’s actually really important and not something that has been discussed at all since the second movie!

I’ll take a little rage break to educate those of you who haven’t followed the games, and don’t know the Resident Evil virus lineage. The first movie starts with the T-Virus. This is accurate, and discussed at length in the first two films. It reanimates the dead, and has a mutation effect on most species, which gives us things like lickers and Nemesis. This is uncomplicated and without being nitpicky, it can reasonably carry us all the way to the end of third movie, Resident Evil: Extinction. But then in Afterlife, suddenly the zombies start sprouting Plaga tentacles and we encounter an Executioner. What’s that? What’s a Plaga, you ask? The Las Plagas parasite is introduced in Resident Evil 4, and genetically improved in Resident Evil 5, which is where the creepy mouth-tentacles come from. It’s also the reason why the “zombies” are now able to retain their intelligence and move at increased speeds: they’re not zombies, they’re giant bugs puppeteering the corpses of their human hosts. This is never explained in the movies, and you could have hand-waved it as a T-virus evolution until Retribution.

There are two points in this movie where the Las Plagas are mentioned by name. One is quick and subtle enough that you’ll miss it if you don’t know what it means, but the second is made a very big deal at the climax of the film. Never, ever, does anyone explain what the Las Plagas are, or where they came from. More infuriating still is that none of the Plaga hosts transform at any time. They just remain super-powered humans, though all but one look like vampires from Buffy. It’s not that this isn’t plausible, but it’s a huge waste of an opportunity! In a movie that’s about special effects and gruesome creatures, why wouldn’t you have the cool bug-monsters sprout out of their host bodies? (Big spoilers follow, highlight to read) More annoying still is that the main character who is injected with a Plaga ends up being eaten by the “Plaga Undead,” as the movie calls them. This is completely retarded, and makes absolutely zero sense. Plagas are supposed to have a hive-mind thing going on. They know damn well not to eat one of their own. Aargh! I understand that the movie series is taking some creative liberties with the franchise, but not explaining important plot elements is bad. It flies in the face of proper world-building and is just sloppy movie-making. I’m sure the rest of the entries in the series have their own problems like this, but none were nearly as noticeable to me.

While a lot of Retribution was pretty hard to watch, there were some good elements! They were named Ada Wong, Leon Kennedy, and Barry Burton. Three very awesome fan-favourite game characters that have only finally made their debut in the movie franchise. I have to especially hand it to the casting director, because Bingbing Li is a dead ringer for Ada, though maybe ten years younger. The costume designer is clearly a fan of the games too, because Leon and Barry’s outfits were spot-on to their game incarnations. At least to someone who doesn’t pay a huge amount of attention to costumes. Barry had his trademark red vest, and Leon had his super-swank jacket and shoulder-knife. Perfect.

All was not good surrounding these three though. The dude who played Leon very obviously had some issues with the awful dialogue, and his delivery on a handful of them were almost as bad as the writing itself. Then there’s Barry’s big part in the escape scene… you’ll know it when you see it, and you will either groan the biggest groan ever or actually hurt yourself because  you facepalmed so hard. I did the latter.

In conclusion, Resident Evil: Retribution has a few more issues than any of the other movies in the series. And I’ve got a pretty high tolerance for crap like this. It’s got some ups, a lot more downs, and an elephant-sized licker for some reason. The only reason you should see this movie is, like I said earlier, if you’ve seen the other four and need a little closure. Oh, but you won’t get that anyway because they all but said “stay tuned for the sixth one!” at the end. Yeesh.

Countdown to U-Day

What have I had, three posts about Wii U so far? Definitely out of character for me. I guess I must be growing up, because a younger me would have themed the blog here with all sorts of Wii U stuff. Woulda made up a Wii U banner anyway. Oh, wait. The blog has been Wii themed since… 2007? Wow, past me really was good at that future planning stuff!

As it is, I’m barely excited enough about having gotten my pre-order last weekend. And that’s with only two months left to go! I should be bouncing off the walls and yakking everyone’s ear off about how excited I am for my new console. Alas, I am much more subdued this time around. It’s probably because I can’t afford to buy any games to play on the stupid thing. Gone are the Wii days where I could just throw my paychecks away on as many vidja games as I could handle.

It’s too bad too, because it suddenly seems that I want them all. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but I’m certainly a lot more confliced about which Day One title I’m going to bring home with me on launch day than I was just a week ago. Since these megaposts are kind of what I do these days, let’s have a look-see…

Darksiders II – This was my original choice, and it had no competition, save perhaps Pikmin 3, but that’s been pushed back so it’s out of the running. I had a great time with the original Darksiders and little interest in any other Wii U launch day games, but now I’m having to think about it. Also, I’ve heard rumblings that maybe Darksiders II isn’t as good as the original, so that’s causing some hesitation. It’s still number one, but two months from now anything could happen.

New Super Mario Bros U – Since finances are tight, I have to consider that maybe The Wife would like to play with my our new toy too. Considering that NSMBU is probably the only launch title she’ll get any mileage out of. It’s not that I don’t think I’d like it, it’s just that I’m smack in the middle of New Super Mario Bros 2 on 3DS right now, and I don’t feel like I need another Mario game yet. We also had an absolute blast with the original Wii game, and that’s certainly helping this one’s case along. The real issue here is that I don’t find the New Mario games quite as fun to replay as say, Super Mario World.

ZombiU – You’d think this would be right up my alley, what with the zombies ‘n all. Truth is, I wasn’t really taken with it until I started reading impressions from last week’s Nintendo event in New York. Now I’m very much leaning towards the idea of picking ZombiU over Darksiders. If nothing else, I’d like to have a game that really makes use of the gamepad, and doesn’t just delegate maps and inventory management to it. I mean, ZombiU does that, but in a more interesting way. Or so it seems. I’ll need to keep reading up on this one. I can’t help but remember the mediocrity of Dead Island though.

Rayman Legends – I wasn’t sold on Rayman Origins until last Friday, despite the fact that everyone and their dog has been raving about it since it came out. But then I played a few stages with my youngest bro, including the unbeleivably difficult Secret Final Level, and had an absolute blast. I’d played the demo, but I guess I did it wrong by playing solo. So now the question of the sequel comes up. Do I pick this one up at launch, or do I satisfy my newfound interest with the cheaper original?

Assassin’s Creed III – I haven’t played a singe other game in the Assassin’s Creed franchise, and I didn’t ever plan to. However, I’m very much into the American Revolution setting of this one. That is all.

Scribblenauts Unlimited – I couldn’t get into the first Scribblenauts game no matter how hard I tried. But the promise of a game with better controls, huge environments to explore, and the ability to creat things has stuck the Scribblenauts hooks right back into me. I can’t see myself actually buying it, but stranger things have happened.

Tank! Tank! Tank! – I haven’t read anything about this since E3, but damn does it look like fun! I’m also a big supporter of the odd-duck games that come out when a new game system is released. Admittedly this doesn’t seem quite as gimmicky or odd as, say, Feel The Magic XY/XX or Rayman Raving Rabbids. Another one that I’m really going to have to look into before taking the plunge.

Okay, so there are only seven launch titles I’m interested in. But it’s still really hard when you can only choose one! Luckily, most of the other games (Pikmin 3, The Wonderful 101, Runner 2) I want are looking like they’re going to come out around March, so that’s time to sock away a little cash. The fact of the matter is though, that Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate is slated for March, so at that point I won’t need any other games. It would be really rad if that had been a launch title, but what can you do?

Nostalgia trippin’

Hey, so does it mean you’re old when just the air can cause waves of nostalgia to wash over you? Because I’m totally getting that right now. It’s been a beautiful fall day, and the first real one as far as I’m concerned, because it’s just got that feeling to it. I love this weather, and it brings back memories of everything I’ve ever associated it with. I have no way to properly convey these feelings in words, but I can feel them in my heart and I need to get them out somehow, so I kept a running list of every memory that came back to me today because of the cool autumn air. Here’s what I got:

  • Trick-or-treating in general
  • Beating Army Men: Sarge’s Heroes for Nintendo 64 one Halloween night
  • Playing Silent Hill for the first time
  • Daily visits to the Heath Sciences Center
  • Watching Criminal Minds on Stephanie’s laptop in my car
  • Guitar Hero 5
  • Visiting a small corner store downtown that smelled like curry, and buying Pepsis at said store which also smelled of curry
  • Treehouse of Horror
  • YTV’s Dark Night specials
  • McDonald’s Halloween McNugget toys
  • Driving around with the family to look at Halloween houses
  • That old McDonald’s Halloween cassette tape. “Spooky Sounds” or something of the like?
  • Pokémon Silver Version
  • The beginning of Christmas madness at Toys ‘R’ Us
  • Donkey Konga
  • Traipsing through yards covered in crunchy, fallen leaves
  • Finally earning my driver’s license
  • Purchasing my first car (I still love you, Spirit)
  • The beginning of hockey season, and all those dreadful practise sessions
  • Carving jack-o-lanterns
  • The last family trip to Fargo
  • Chasing a bunch of egg-chucking hooligans down the street while dressed as the red Angry Bird
  • Playing Rock Band 2 at a Halloween party, and my sister-in-law commenting at how intense I looked while I was playing
  • Creating the alias “Tito Sanchez” for reasons I cannot recall
  • Going to a corn maze and haunted house with a group of friends, and being thought of as a goofball (not in a good way) by the females of the bunch.
  • Playing Magical Starsign in the upstairs storeroom of Toys ‘R’ Us instead of working
  • My brother’s friend Brent dressing as a woman for Halloween, and being called “Brenta” for many years afterwards
  • Not giving out free cookies to trick-or-treaters at Tim Hortons
  • Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, for some reason. I don’t know why, because I never played that at Halloween time
  • Pillsbury cookie rolls, with pumpkins coloured into them!
  • Enjoying those cold, foggy mornings where nobody’s around and silence abounds
  • The many times I said I’d participate in (or at least check out) a zombie walk, but never did
  • Pumpkin pie
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • Specifically, “This is Halloween”

Filler at its worst

Don’t you hate it when you don’t really have anything important to talk about?

I do, but that’s not really my problem lately. The problem is too many awesome video games, and too much time spent at work to play them all.

I’m only four levels into Lollipop Chainsaw. I should have finished this game weeks ago. I think there are only two or three more stages anyway, but still. And this feels like a game where playing it over and over for high scores and cheevos will be fun and not just compulsion.

Dragon’s Dogma continued to suck up all my video game time, because I love it to pieces. I try to be careful about using the word “love” when I describe material objects, but man do I love Dragon’s Dogma. The only thing I don’t like about it is that it’s a huge dick when it comes to fast travel. But the world isn’t that big, so it’s mostly not an issue. It would kind of ruin the point anyway, when the only time I end up needing to traverse the entire map is during escort quests.

Then Theatrhythm Final Fantasy came along and ruined everything. I fear that I might not play another game for weeks. I already have a real thing about rhythm games, but when it’s a rhythm game that also tickles my nostalgia bone? Big trouble, but in the best way.

The biggest loss is that I’ll be completely ignoring the Xbox Live Arcade version of Spelunky, which I have been absolutely frothing with demand for and finally launched yesterday.

And then there’s still Monster Hunter Freedom: Unite, which I will probably be playing until the day my PSP dies. And then I will buy a new PSP and continue to play Monster Hunter Freedom: Unite. Unless Monster Hunter 3G is better.

Someday I’ll finish Kid Icarus: Uprising. If it even has an ending.

I love that my primary hobby is so consistently wonderful. 🙂

Zombie-esque

I finished reading Monster Nation a while ago. I’ve got to say that while I didn’t really get into it right away, it did a really good job of picking up steam as it went on. It’s not a huge book, so it’s a little sad that it took me the better part of a month to get through. But you know, video games.

Anyway, it’s a super awesome zombie novel, and a prequel to Monster Island, which I read years and years ago. Being that it belongs in the same series, it explores the initial outbreak of what is referred to as The Epidemic. It also takes a different view on the thing that differentiated Island from most other zombie media: people who manage to retain their minds after zombification.

The series explains the ability to be dead but not a zombie by keeping the characters in question hooked up to machines that keep oxygen pumping to their brains. Gary, the not-zombie from Island, was a med student who hooked himself up to a ventilator and then jumped into a tub filled with ice. Nilla, Nation‘s sort-of-zombie, stumbled into an oxygen bar and put a mask on after she was bitten. The second scenario seems a little less likely to have worked, but whatever. They’re zombie novels, I’m not going to pick at what’s medically plausible and what isn’t.

I’ll summarize before the spoiler line, just so nobody has to venture in to read my full impressions: I enjoyed Monster Nation at least as much as its forebear. Maybe even more. I’ve said it to everyone I’ve ever told about these books: They need to be turned into movies! For the hundreds of crappy zombie movies that get made every year, don’t we deserve at least two (probably) exceptional ones?

SPOILER ZONE! Don’t go any farther if you’re actually interested in reading these books.

Okay, back to my previous train of thought…

They may not been seen as such, but the real main characters of these books are the zombie-esque characters. Gary and Nilla are handled very differently, and as such are two entirely unique, compelling characters that share the same unfortunate condition. Gary gets pissed off when he gets shot by one of Island‘s protagonists and uses dark zombie magic to lead the braindead zombies and become their zombie emperor. Nilla, though she suffers just as much, tries her damnedest to stay on the side of humanity. Of course, she ends up waffling a bit, but who wouldn’t? People hate you, and you have awesome zombie powers. Are you really not going to eat a few of ’em? Anyway, the ending leaves her story open, so I’m hoping she gets picked back up in Monster Planet, the final book in the trilogy. Nilla is a much cooler and more complex character than any of the others in Nation. Plus, she’s the only major character that survives. Well… sort of.

Both novels deal with magical stuff, and I read most of the second half of Island with a cocked eyebrow (Telepathic Scottish bog mummy. ‘Nuff said), it all kinda came together once Nation finally reveals the source of The Epidemic. In the end it was just a dude trying to save his dying wife from cancer by essentially tearing a huge gash in the world’s life force reservoir. Turns out the road to Hell on Earth really is paved with good intentions. I really like when stories use the “to save a loved one” plot device, because it’s absolutely something I can sympathize with. No, I’ve never had to watch someone I love die, but I’m pretty sure that in that such a situation I’d do everything in my power to save them. I’m terrible at coping with loss, and I could definitely see myself ripping space-time (or whatever) a new one if I were placed in the situation presented. I am the crazy dude who would sacrifice the world for one woman.

It’s a tragic ending. You’ve got this one man, who brought about the destruction of the world just to save his wife, and he wasn’t even really able to do that. Yes, he kept her alive, but at the cost of turning her into a horrifying tumour beast. Not much of an existence. And then Nilla… Well, that part I don’t want to spoil. Let’s just say she gets a little angry when she learns that it is physically impossible to save the world.

TE on E3

I haven’t really been into E3 the last few years. Less free time is probably a factor, but also I no longer spend every day with a group of people who are also interested (re: the high school clique). I find myself considerably less excited about video game things when I don’t have people to be excited about video game things with.

That said, I’ve generally just followed Nintendo’s E3 stuff this year, which should surprise nobody. I read about the Xbox SmartGlass thingy and couldn’t care less, and I have no idea what Sony’s up to besides that half-hearted Super Smash Bros rip-off. I really couldn’t care either. I play video games because I like Mario and Zelda. I used to like MegaMan too, but they don’t make those anymore.

I managed to get myself pretty pumped up for the big Nintendo press conference, so much so that I actually took a really early lunch break so I could watch it live on my phone. It wasn’t a terribly exciting show overall, but it served it’s purpose: I want to buy a Wii U more now than I did last week. I love the things they’re doing with the GamePad. Asymmetrical gameplay is neat, but not really new for dedicated Nintendo fans (that’s yet another story). I’m much more interested in the way it’s going to be used as a physical inventory manager or sniper scope or TV remote.

Regarding the most controversial part of the presentation, I’m not really that excited about Nintendo Land. Sure, it looks neat, but I’m more of a solo gamer. If it’s packed in with the Wii U I’ll spend time with it, but if it’s sold separately I’ll likely pass. Wii Sports was revolutionary enough that I would have purchased a copy, this seems less so. And Nintendo already has a great game that unites their franchises: it’s called Super Smash Bros.

Obviously I’m going to buy Zombi U. I bought Dead Island, didn’t I?

For some reason, I just don’t feel the passion for new 2D Marios anymore, but I’ll definitely get New Super Mario Bros U. At the very least, I’ll be able to get Stephanie to play with me, and we had an absolute blast with NSMB Wii. I’m less sold on NSMB2, but it’s Mario, so it’s going to be good and I’m going to buy it. Might be a little disappointing after the stellar Super Talking Time Bros 2 though.

Paper Mario: Sticker Star looks great, and I’m sure I’ll adore it when it launches, but I’m just not really interested yet. Maybe I’ll have to go back and play The Thousand Year Door again to remind me how good these are.

Project P-100 and Tank! Tank! Tank! both look like a ton of fun, but seem as if they might wear thin pretty quickly (much like Custom Robo). Online multiplayer would probably be necessary to justify a purchase. We’ll have to see how robust they are before making any real judgement.

Bit.Trip Runner 2? EXCITED!

I really wanted to, but couldn’t really get into Epic Mickey, so I’ll likely pass on the sequels. Sorry, Warren Spector. I know you did your best, and I respect that. It just didn’t click for me. Goes for Scribblenauts Unlimited. I am behind these games 100% in theory, but I just didn’t have enough fun with them to back that up with dollars.

I’ve been sold on Darksiders II since before it was announced. I enjoyed the first one enough to play it twice in a row – a very rare occurrence. Luigi’s Mansion is another game to bear that distinction. It may be because it was the only GameCube game I owned for about a month, but I also really liked it! I hope the sequel launches before Christmas.

I like the idea that the new Tomb Raider might release on Wii U, because I like what I’ve read about it so far. As for any other 3rd party offerings I haven’t mentioned yet? I probably don’t care about them. Although Assassin’s Creed III may be the first game in the series that I play because I dig the American Revolution setting.

The two big games for me are the ones that led the two big Nintendo shows. On Wii U, it’s Pikmin 3. I could play Pikmin over and over again forever if there weren’t so many other games that deserve my attention. It’s a short game, but who cares? It’s super fun! My secret shame is that I still haven’t finished Pikmin 2… the perfectionist in me won’t accept Pikmin losses to anything but boss monsters, and so I inevitably lose focus while trying to savescum my way through its deadly, deadly caverns. I’ll get there some day. There isn’t enough information on Pikmin 3 yet to be excited about it for any reason other than it’s Pikmin 3 and its beautiful HD graphics. I really would love to type more words about it, but there’s not much else to say. Maybe a speculative post in the near future.

In my 3DS’ future is Castlevania: Lords of Shadow: Mirror of Fate. The title could use a little pruning, but the game looks amazing! Lords of Shadow combat and story with Symphony of the Night exploration? Assuming it plays as nicely as it sounds, this could very well be the perfect video game for me. If you’ve played those two games and aren’t excited about what looks like a mash-up of the two, there’s something seriously wrong with you. You really should get that checked out ASAP. It’s probably cancer eating the “good taste” part of your brain. Seriously, talk to your doctor.

If there’s one thing I’m sad I didn’t see, it’s either of the Monster Hunter games for 3DS. I will be broken-hearted if they are destined to remain exclusive to Japan. If the 3DS weren’t so damn region-locked, I would import them and learn Japanese so I could play them. That’s how much I love Monster Hunter. Then again, MH4 isn’t even out in Japan yet, so we’re going to be playing the waiting game for a while anyway.

That’s about it. I’m sure there’s something I forgot to mention, but if I forgot it, it probably wasn’t that impressive in the first place. Now the real question is how I’m going to be able to afford (in both time and dollars) to play all of these games.

Random musings

I just realized how ironic it is that I said “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was too much of a mouthful for a title. (You know, because my website’s name is an octosyllabic monster)

My Super Talking Time Bros 2 LP is coming along swimmingly, though I feel the onset of burnout. I guess devoting every spare second I’ve had to it for the past week was maybe a bad idea. Gotta learn to pace myself better.

In any time I have that I’m not putting toward STTB2, I’ve been soaking up more completely useless trivia than you can shake a gunblade at from the Final Fantasy Wiki. Do you understand the plot, character motivations, and mythology of Final Fantasy XIII? Because I do. I probably know more about FFXIII’s story than FFXIII does.

I’ve finally started reading Monster Nation, the sequel to the superb Monster Island. It’s good, but not quite as hard to put down as Island was.

Trying to eat less sucks. Now I’m hungry all the time. Even right after a meal.

I cannot believe how many more people are on the 4:42 bus home as opposed to the 5:14. I had to stand for half the ride home yesterday! I have never been so put upon as this.

I was looking at DLC costumes for Final Fantasy XIII-2, and can’t help but think that Square-Enix got something backwards. Noel is a more competent Medic than Serah, and she’s a better Ravager than he is, but Noel got the black mage costume and Serah the white mage. Geez, gender roles. Also Noel’s black mage outfit lacks a pointy hat. Epic fail.

Why does iTunes delete all the ringtones off my iPhone whenever I install the new firmware? Nothing else ever vanishes. Just the ringtones.

Is Minecraft still big enough that Mojang is really getting away with charging $25(ish) for it? I was super excited about gettiing the Xbox version until I saw the price.

Good job, zombie arm!

The woman and I went to see The Cabin in the Woods last weekend. Perhaps you’ve seen the trailer? It’s the one where it starts out looking like just another slasher flick, but then a bird crashes into an invisible wall of future-technology and explodes into a fireball. Maybe there’s something more to this…

Since I love cheesy slasher flicks, the interest was already there for me. But then there’s the fact that there’s a whole other level there that we don’t really know anything about, and also it’s written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard? Effin’ sign me up, man! I did read a (very convincing) review in the paper on the Friday too, which at that point was just preaching to the choir.

The Cabin in the Woods was even better than I’d hoped for, and might even beat out Drag Me to Hell as my favourite “horror” movie. If you’ll recall, I really liked Drag Me to Hell. I’d have to watch them both again, but regardless, they’re both amazing films, and I heartily recommend them both. That’s a little too straight to the point though; let’s talk a little more about The Cabin in the Woods.

The movie is played off in the trailer as a pretty generic slasher flick, where four sexy teens and Topher from Dollhouse head off to a creepy, secluded cabin in the woods for a weekend getaway. Does that sound like a million other movies? Yeah, a little.  But there is a second plot! It involves professionally-dressed men (and Whiskey from Dollhouse!) in some kind of fancy complex monitoring and ever-so-slightly controlling the fates of our cabin-goers. It’s not a spoiler, because it becomes apparent that this is happening within the first half-hour of the film.

Eventually the stories truly intertwine, and we see that they’re two sides of the same coin, equal parts of a bigger picture. This is still sounding a little generic, but there’s a lot of subtext here, and the whole movie is really one big deconstruction of the horror/slasher genre. But all pretension aside, what matters at the end of the day is that The Cabin in the Woods is hilarious. Sometimes in a tongue-in-cheek way, sometimes ironically, and most of the time very blatantly.

This is a movie about making fun of other movies, and it is a beautiful thing. You know all those terrible [Genre] Movie parodies that are terrible and should be forgotten from human history? The Cabin in the Woods is exactly what those movies wish they could be. It is poking fun at many, many other movies, but not doing it with an endless stream of references and fart jokes. The closest thing to a reference in this movie is… ah, I don’t really want to spoil it. But I will say that there are a couple short scenes that will leave Hellraiser fans grinning. Anyway, The Cabin in the Woods is funny and very smart, but it’s not inaccessible, which is what puts it head and shoulders above pretty much every other parody ever.

The Cabin in the Woods even spends a lot of time satirizing the people who go to the kind of movie it’s ripping on. Yeah, me. And that’s cool. There’s an element of reality TV parody here too, and I found it to be much more entertaining than the other movie doing that, The Hunger Games. But that’s another story entirely.

So again, The Cabin in the Woods is great. Go see it, and be ready for copious amounts of hilarity and blood. Also a unicorn.

Dead Island

I’ve recently been spending large chunks of my weekends on Dead Island, and I’ve got pretty mixed feelings about it. For the tl;dr crowd: I like it, and I’m pretty sure that if you like Fallout 3 you’ll find much to enjoy here.

The big thing about Dead Island is that I don’t play first-person shooters very often, but Techland somehow managed to take the handful of recent FPSs that I have played and mash them all together. I haven’t played enough of Fallout 3 (about 25 hours?), and I haven’t seen any more than the cover of New Vegas, but they were quite clearly the base inspiration for Dead Island. It’s an FPS set in a big open(ish) world, where you have to scrounge stuff from everywhere to survive.

Missions are doled out one at a time to further the story, but you can strike out on your own and do as you please (this is how I spent my time with Fallout 3). Along the way, you’ll likely meet up with some people who will give you sidequests. Some will just be crazy and try to kill you. I only encountered only a single homicidal human in the first third of the game, but they become a little more common as you go along.

Like Fallout, your weapons will decay with use and become useless. Well, mostly useless. You can still beat zombies with your blunted cleaver, but it does barely any damage and any special effects (like fire or electricity) are lost. You can repair them for a fee, upgrade them for a few more bucks, and modify weapons to give them special traits once you have the proper blueprints and parts. Armor does not exist though, which is good and bad. Good because you don’t have to constantly stop to repair or find replacements; bad because a handful of zombies can tear your fleshy hide apart right quick.

Where Dead Island really departs from its cousins is in weapon selection. The first area of Dead Island provides melee weapons almost exclusively. It’s great, visceral fun, but in the first dozen or so hours I spent with it, I’d only held two revolvers and about forty bullets. Fallout 3 was fun for me because I could skulk around the landscape with a hunting rifle and pop any enemies before they had a chance. Yeah, ammo was a little more scare than I liked, but at least it was there. Games that force stealth are no fun, but when it’s an option, that’s how I usually play it. It also provided a survival scenario that I could take at my own pace. If I wanted to avoid the mutants, I hike the long way around the mountain or take the shortcut through the cave. Here, the world feels much less open and you rarely have the option to go around zombies. You’re always the hunted, and rarely get to play the hunter.

The big difference between Fallout 3 and Dead Island where maps are concerned is that in Fallout, you have one gigantic map with all sorts of tunnels and buildings to explore. Dead Island is divided into several large areas with no such “dungeons” to find. I definitely would have liked at least a couple segregated areas. There is the hotel and a couple small apartments that take you to separate maps, but those barely count. We’ll have to see what later areas bring. The majority of the buildings are just textured cubes too. A good portion of the cabanas in the resort area have proper interiors, but once you hit the town map you’ll start wondering if all those doors are just painted on.

The game is a lot like Fallout 3, but it’s also coloured with shades of Borderlands and Left 4 Dead. Like those two, Dead Island is intended to be played cooperatively online with other people. The game wouldn’t even let me start at first because it’s set by default to online co-op and I don’t have a gold subscription to Xbox Live. I haven’t spent enough time with Left 4 Dead or its sequel to pass judgement on just how similar Dead Island is to them, but I hear that the “special” zombies on Banoi island bear more than just a passing resemblance to those in Valve’s games.

Borderlands though, I have played quite a bit more of. While it’s not quite as much an influence on Dead Island as Fallout, you can’t ignore the signs. For one, weapons in Dead Island are colour-coded. Yes, it’s a thing in other games too, but the only other one I’ve played that does that is Borderlands. The major difference being that I didn’t see a second-tier weapon for hours in Dead Island, whereas I picked one up on my third or fourth quest in Borderlands.

Another similarity is that random pickups respawn in both of these games. It takes away from the survival aspect (which wasn’t a part of Borderlands anyway), but I feel like it adds to the gameplay. Yes, the aspect of running around with no bullets is thrilling for a little while, but I find that when I run out of weapons, a game that centers around killing is considerably less fun. The old-style Resident Evils play that feature properly: they limit your ammo, but enemies never respawn, so it’s almost a like a puzzle where you have to figure out where your ammo is best spent. If weapons weren’t strewn about so liberally in Dead Island, you’d run out in no time and be stuck running away or punching zombies to death. To give you an idea of how useless punching is in Dead Island, they give you the achievement for killing while unarmed after just 25 zombies.

From the start of the game, you get to choose from four characters, each which his or her own strengths and skill trees. Just like Borderlands. Did the characters in Left 4 Dead have any differences that weren’t cosmetic? While this is key to building a balanced team, the fact of the matter is that I’ll never play this game with others. So I really wouldn’t mind if there were a “single-player” character, who could choose from the entire pool of skills. Also I’m not a fan of the “skill pipe” system, where you have to pump points into unrelated skills to get to the one you want. What I’m saying here is that they should have copied Fallout’s skill system too. I’m cool with prerequisites for advanced skills, but those prerequisites should make sense, and not just be arbitrarily placed along a line. Why to I need to get the “medkits are more effective” skill before I can buy the “less likely to be noticed” skill? Healing and stealth are two totally different fields.

Anyway, I’m coming off too negative. I really like Dead Island, though I fear it will end up sitting incomplete along with Fallout 3 and Borderlands despite that. The thing that ties them all together is that they’re all so huge and open, that I get an initial rush of excitement, with the exploring and the screwing around, but then burn out before I can even make it halfway through the story. Yeah, there’s something I never thought I’d lament: games being too long and having too much content. 16-year-old Ryan would be so sad if he knew that he’d grow up into a man that had trouble finishing games that surpass a 15-hour requirement.

Dead Island has a few good things about it that weren’t key traits of other games though, and while I’d love to talk about those, there’s one thing that really bugs me about the game. I mean really boils my turnip. I usually don’t care if games with high NPC/enemy populations re-use character models/sprites. A few of my favourite games don’t even bother to recolour clothing, never mind create unique NPCs. But Dead Island really takes the cake; on the resort map, there are literally two female NPC character models: the standard one, and the one that’s a little chubbier. Female zombies are the same, but discoloured and with bits missing. Yes, their heads and bikini patterns change, but they’ve still all got one of two bodies. Oh yes, and every single female (outside of the two playable females) in the game is wearing a bikini until you get back into the hotel. It is ridiculous. Sex appeal is great; I have no problem with bikini babes. This is overkill though. The sexism line has been long since crossed. There are at least a dozen generic male character models. Would it have hurt to put some short shorts on at least one of the female models? Come on, Techland. Have a little class. The good news is that once you leave the resort there are properly clothed ladies, but I had played over ten hours before I got to that point.

So after all this complaining, what do I like about Dead Island? One thing that sticks out in my mind is the “thug” zombie. Thugs are a good foot taller than your average walking dead, and they can knock you flat with a single hook or headbutt. They are dangerous, and you learn that quickly. Encountering a thug is terrifying because you know that you’re going to be facing something that can kill you with little effort. Compounding this effect is the fact that thugs emit the most blood-curdling roar in the history of video games. It chills me to my bone, and instantly makes me stop cold in my tracks to assess my surroundings. The only thing that keeps thugs from being a total nightmare is that they move at about half the speed of a normal zombie. Still, the tension blows through the roof whenever a thug howls, and I find taking them down incredibly satisfying.

The best way to stop a thug, of course, is to remove his arms. Severing enemies’ body parts has been one of my secret favourite things to do in video games for years. I played the first level of Turok 2 over and over, never caring to progress in the game, just happy to play with the different weapons and see how they tore the monsters apart. Dead Island definitely strikes the right chords in this regard. Once you get your first cleaver or machete, you’ll never want to go back to pipes and wrenches. Blunt weapons can be used to break zombie bones (which is hilarious in its own way) and smash in their heads like so many pumpkins. Bladed weapons, logically, will completely remove the offender’s limbs. Sometimes you’ll swing at the right time when a zombie charges you, which will sever his head in one swing and put the game into slow motion to watch his head pop up while his body keep running past you. It’s quite awesome, but takes more than a little luck to pull off regularly.

Outside of thugs though, removing limbs isn’t strictly necessary, as by the time you’ve got that second arm off, that zombie’s probably re-dead anyway. Decapitation, of course, is always your best bet. They’re zombies! And they’re scary! A lone zombie isn’t much trouble; you’re equipped with a kick move that almost guarantees knocking a ghoul down, and once they’re down, they’re meat. Though as I noted before, a bunch of zombies can easily tear you a new one. I don’t know how many times now I was poking around and got mobbed by a group of four or five zombies. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but they hit hard and flail around pretty quickly. Especially the “infected” class of zombies, who are Dead Island’s version of the Hollywood zombie. Not that classifying the fast ones as “infected” makes a lick of sense. Aren’t all of them infected? Isn’t that the problem?

Anyway, I’m getting totally off-track here. My point there was that zombies are scary. Especially since they level up with you. You life bar gets bigger with each level-up, but it’s really moot because zombie arm/claw/bite/whatever strength increases at about the same pace. Infected class zombies (they move faster and hit harder) are even more lethal because if they get you, they usually get in three or four hits at a time. If you’re up against two or more infected, there’s a good chance you’re going to die. Regular zombies (“Walkers”) are considerably less dangerous, even in large groups. They have one advantage: they’re clever enough to get the drop on you. Walkers are the only zombies whose howls blend in with the ambient noises floating on the air, and they also like to play possum. I figured obsessing over tearing apart corpses to make sure they don’t get me when my back is turned was going to be a habit exclusive to Dead Space. I was wrong.

I’m sure there are other good things about Dead Island aside from zombies. There really probably are. It’s just, they’re all done better in other games. Most of them in a single game! That doesn’t mean it’s not worth playing though! If you can get over the slightly janky combat system, dependably buggy graphics, and vicious difficulty spike, you’ll have a grand old time on Banoi. Might even be better with friends. I’ll never know. I’m excluded from that world because I’m a dinosaur and prefer local multiplayer.