I happen to think that this is pretty hilarious. Particularly the part with Luigi.
Category: Mario
Virtual Console Wishlist 2008 – The Super NES Edition
Here we are again, at the end of another year. Only this time it’s 2008. And since it’s a different year, I guess I get the luxury of running the same article I did last December without the guilt of using the same idea twice in a year. So like I did back then, I’m going to make a short list of games that I would personally love to see on the Wii’s Virtual Console service. It’ll be a little bit harder this year, because I used my most wanted in 2007, but coming up with seven more wasn’t too hard. And I even have a gimmick this time!
For 2008’s VC Wishlist, I’ve decided that I’m only going to pick games that appeared on the Super Nintendo (or Super Famicom, in some cases). Why? I dunno. I was just picking games and once I had it down to a relatively short list I realized that the ones I wanted the most were on the SNES. Sure, there are some NES games that I would love to play again, but none more than G.I. Joe or Nightshade. The only thing I’ve craved on the N64 lately has inexplicably been Pokémon Stadium, but that’s not super important. And like last year, I really couldn’t give a crap what happens with the Sega and Hudson machines. Or even the Neo Geo. I can’t even think of all the systems they’ve got on there now. All I had as a kid were the Nintendo machines, so we’re gonna stick to those.
#1 – Soul Blazer
Chances are you’ve never played Soul Blazer before. It’s only slightly less likely that you’ve never even heard of the game before now. Or maybe it was huge and I just missed it because I was afraid of RPGs back in my SNESing days. Imagine my surprise when I opened the ROM file a couple years ago and learned that it wasn’t really that much of an RPG at all!
No, Soul Blazer has more in common with the Zelda series that it would with any Final Fantasy. It’s one of those top-down action RPGs that I love so much. Wish I had known that back in the day! Yes, that would have been good, because I really don’t think Soul Blazer has held up all that well over time. The graphics aren’t horrible, but do reek of bland. It looks almost like a dressed-up Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. Or at least that’s what I can best liken it to. Not to mention that the gameplay could use a little sprucing up. I’ll give in to the fact that it’s an earlier SNES game, but it could still work a little better. The point is, at the tie I would have thought the games was great. At present, it’s a little outdated. Or a lot.
So If I’m being so hard on the game, why do I want it on the Virtual Console soooo bad? for one, because if you look past its age, it’s not a terrible game. A little clunky and rough around the edges, but entirely playable. I do like it, but there’s not use pretending it’s better than it. The main reason I want to see it is because I’ve never played all the way through. I’ve only spent about two hours at most with the game, just more than enough to form an opinion of a SNES title. And I want to play it because I’ve been itching to go through Illusion of Gaia again, but my misguided sense of fairness is forcing me to play this one again. And if it lived on my Wii, that would make it that much more appealing to actually load up and play.
I can’t truly rate Soul Blazer at this point, because I’ve only barely gotten into it, but then again, I’ve only finished two of the games on this list, so it’s really more of a “I want to truly experience these for the first time list”. Mostly, anyway. If I did have to place a final judgement on it right now though, I could tell you that I’ve easily downloaded games of lower quality than this. The TG-16’s Neutopia, for example. And that’s essentially the first Legend of Zelda game with a facelift. So yeah, I would buy this one as soon as it showed up in the Wii Shop. Might not play it right away, but it would give me peace of mind to at least know that it’s there waiting for me.
#2 – Illusion of Gaia
Illusion of Gaia is the sequel to Soul Blazer, and the second game in the trilogy. It’s also the only one I’ve finished. Of all three games, I think this one would be the most likely Virtual Console candidate, if only because Soul Blazer (as far as I know) was never hugely publicized and the sequel never made it to North America.
Illusion of Gaia is a huge step up from its predecessor. It’s still a top-down Zelda wannabe, but it’s much more polished and the story is actually really interesting. Or, at least, it was many years ago when I played it through. I think it would probably still hold up pretty well these days.
The plot of the game follows a young boy named Will on a quest to save the world from a doomsday comet. It’s pretty standard stuff, but the part that I love about it, and indeed what drew me to the game in the first place, is that most of the game locations take place in real-world locations like the Nazca lines and the Great Wall of China. It’s officially a fantasy world, but there are so many analogues to real human history and mysteries, and I think that adds an incredibly interesting facet to the game. I know it sounds horrible, but I kind of wish the game gave even more real information about these things. It would be the first truly entertaining edutainment title.
Plot and locations aside, I still think Illusion of Gaia is a solid title. It’s still sort of a lo-fi Zelda, but it has its own charm that I find very few other games possess. Maybe I’m just looking at it through rosy nostalgia glasses, but I’ve been itching to play through it again. The only reason I haven’t is that I have so many other games in progress that I couldn’t possibly start playing a game I’ve already seen through to completion. Also, I want to play and beat Soul Blazer first, if just for that minor sense of completion. Of all the games featured here, I think this is the one that I have the strongest craving to play.
#3 – Terranigma
The last in the series, Terranigma is also the finest. Well, probably. I’ve only been through roughly a tenth of the game, but that was much more recently than the other two, and I remember thinking that it was really quite awesome. My friends even agreed with me when I showed it to them. Though to be fair, it was still early in our career of playing ROMs, and it was mind-blowing to play pretty much any SNES game on our computers for free.
Terranigma, as far as I remember, is more of a “preserve the world and nature” themed game than simply saving the world. Or at least, that’s the impression I got from the first couple hours of it. A quick check on Wikipedia confirms that it’s a wee bit more complex than that. The game takes place in a world where the Earth is hollow and the overworld is dominated by good, and the underworld interior by evil. There’s more to it than it seems though, because the hero of the game… is from the underworld!
I honestly can’t remember a lot about this game other than the fact that it plays pretty closely to Illusion of Gaia and that it was a ton of fun. Not sure why I never finished this one, because whenever I think about it, I can only remember it being pure bliss. I’m sure it wasn’t that good, but I’m willing to stake my reputation (not that that’s a huge gamble) on the fact that it is a top tier SNES game. In fact, while it was only released in Japan and Europe, the main (only?) reason we never saw it is because Enix’s North American branch closed down before they could get it out. the only thing I’m not into about this game is that because of my misguided sense of obligation, I have to finish the other two games before I’ll let myself start this one! Aargh! Well, if by some impossible stroke of luck we see this on the Virtual Console first, I suppose I’ll have a loophole.
#4 – Robotrek
While not a sequel to any of the aforementioned games, Robotrek comes to us from the same development studio as the Soul Blazer trilogy, Quintet. Over the years, I have come to really respect their work, and the fact that most (if not all) of their SNES titles were published by Enix made them must-plays for me. See, I’m willing to give anything with the Enix name a shot because they had so much wonderful product in the 16-bit era, and Robotrek is no exception.
I have actually tried playing Robotrek twice, neither time making it very far into the game. This saddens me, because it’s exactly the type of game I want to play. For one, it’s an Enix RPG, and much more of a standard RPG than the last three games I just talked about. For two, it has a large collection/synthesis/customization aspect to it, and that I absolutely adore.
The game is about robots, obviously, and I have no idea what the plot was about, but you play as a young boy who uses robots to battle. It’s essentially Pokémon a year before Pokémon existed. Not only can you build new robots, but you can customize them to your liking, adding new parts and weapons, and even make your own new parts by combining old ones. Like I said, it’s exactly the kind of game I want to play. It’s almost like if Custom Robo were a standard JRPG.
So yeah, I think I’ve made it clear exactly why I want to be playing this on my Wii as soon as possible. I think the reason I put it down in the past is maybe because the completionist in me became too obsessed and I was too interested in beefing up my robots than actually playing through the story. That sounds about right. I do, after all, usually have Butterfree and Wartortle before even reaching Brock.
#5 – Umihara Kawase
Nintendo very rarely uses their infinite power to infuse the Virtual Console’s lineup with games that were never released in whatever particular region you may be in. Sin and Punishment would be the big one for us here in North America, but there are tons of lesser known games that never made it over here that I would love to see make it over in digital form. Umihara Kawase would be somewhere around the top of that list.
The thing that makes Umihara Kawase a good candidate is that Nintendo could put it up with very little extra effort going into it. The game is a platform puzzler, and one of the best. You play as a small girl tasked with reaching a door on the other side of the stage, and your only ability is to use a fishing line as a grappling hook. The trick is that the hook responds to all sorts of physics, and the game can get very complicated, but once you get good (good luck ever mastering it!), it’s insanely entertaining. And that’s why it’s easy. The game needs no instructions. The only thing you have to learn is how your hook is going to respond to how you use it. Any story sequences I may have forgotten about are irrelevant, and the game is simple enough that you don’t need the tutorial.
So if Nintendo could put it up so easily and it’s so great, why isn’t it available yet? Sadly, it’s likely because the franchise then moved to the Playstation and recently somebody decided it would be a good idea to make another sequel on the PSP. I hear it’s a pretty sad interpretation of the SNES game, and that’s why I’d love to see the original swing into our lives via Wii. Will it happen? I don’t think it’s too likely. In fact, I’d wager that the Playstation game ends up on PSN before the SNES edition hits Virtual Console. Yes, that’s how bad it’s gotten on Nintendo’s digital distribution system.
#6 – Mario’s Super Picross
Of all games never released on American shores, I would think that Mario’s Super Picross is one of those with the best chance to end up as a Virtual Console candidate. Why? Because it’s already been released in Japan and the PAL territories, and also because Nintendo loves Picross. They’ve made a few puzzles from this game available as free DLC for Picross DS, so why not let us have the entire game for a few bucks?
I think I’ve made my love of picross obvious over the lifespan of this website, but if you hadn’t heard, I heart picross. It’s a fairly simple puzzle game wherein you’re given a grid and a set of numbers for each row and column. You have to deduce from that set of numbers which spaces on the grid in that row or column need to be filled in. It sounds unbearably easy, and for someone who’s spent a few hours solving picross puzzles, it usually is. The main mode in Mario’s Super Picross gives you a time limit in which to solve each puzzle, and you’re deducted time for each mistake you make, so it’s very much a thinking game. Fortunately, like sudoku, event though it involves numbers and heavy thought, there is no math involved. If there were, I wouldn’t love it.
It gets harder in the second set of puzzles, hosted by Wario, in which you have unlimited time, but the game won’t tell you if you make a mistake. It can take much longer to figure these ones out, but I’ve never taken much more than half an hour to get any of them done. It’s also much more satisfying to solve one of these puzzles, like when you beat a game of mahjong without any hints.
I stand firmly in my belief that Mario’s Super Picross will eventually be available to me as a Virtual Console title, because the Japanese and Europeans already have it, so it has to show up here sooner or later. Only now since Chris Kohler has become disillusioned with the VC, we don’t have anyone to badger Nintendo for equality anymore.
#7 – Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island
Alright, Nintendo. Honestly, where is this? We have all the other Mario platformers, and even Yoshi’s Story. I think we’ve waited more than long enough for this one. We deserve Yoshi’s Island.
Yeah, I totally saved the best for last. As much as I like any of the other games on this list, none of them could even hold a candle to the majesty Yoshi’s Island. It is platforming perfection, a mecca that may never be reached again. How Nintendo could have slapped Yoshi’s Story on the VC list without Yoshi’s Island to reinforce Yoshi’s reputation is a mystery that may never be solved.
I honestly don’t think I should have to describe this game or why I love it. I mean, I don’t know why you would even be on this website if you’re the kind of person who would have skipped over this gem. Unless you’re my girlfriend, but that’s really the only acceptable case. So really, if you haven’t experienced the wonder that is Yoshi’s Island, I highly recommend you stop reading this right now and go find yourself the ROM and an emulator. Or at the very least, the GBA port. Just play it. And that recommendation goes double if you’re my girlfriend, as there may be hope for you liking video games that don’t require plastic guitars after all if you try this out.
So yes. That’s my list. It’s taken a lot of beer and Danish butter cookies to struggle through, but I’ve done it. Unlike last year, wherein I posted this in early November, I’m just making this one up on the second-to-last Monday of the year. Hence, this time we won’t think of these of games that I want to see before 2008 is up, but rather a list that I would like to see show up sometime in the year 2009. And don’t fret; unless some giant change in my life takes place that makes me unable to webmaster anymore, there will totally be a 2009 edition. It’s just too easy.
Look out!
Needless to say, it’s been kind of a busy month. I am pretty wizziped out right now, and should probably be catching up on sleep rather than blogging. But I haven’t blogged in weeks! One might say I haven’t had a good sleep in at least as long, but that’s besides the point. I’ve kind of let video games drop off my to-do list lately, barely able to find time to cram in games I’ve been working on for a while, much less new ones. So just so you know what I’m trying to play as of late, here are some impressions of said games.
Mario Kart Wii : Is there anything more frustrating than Mario Kart? The rubber-band AI is infuriating, but at the same time, when you win, you feel like you’ve really accomplished something. And of course, multiplayer is a blast too. But I think this one’s even more broken than ever, because I earned gold trophies on every grand prix on every difficulty on Mario Kart DS, but I just barely struggled my way to victory in the 100cc class in this iteration. But like I said, multiplayer really makes up for it. I’ve yet to win a single online match, but I’ve enjoyed each and every race I’ve participated in.
Baroque : A roguelike, but not. The only difference is that it’s not turn-based. I’ve developed a really bad crush on roguelikes as of late (as I may have said before) and Baroque is sating my need nicely. The real-time thing makes it noticably easier than turn-based roguelikes, but that’s okay. After being completely destroyed over and over in Shiren the Wanderer and Izuna, I like having a place to go where I can make some notable progress. Although it’s hard to tell exactly when you’re making progress in Baroque, because it’s structured very differently from any game I’ve ever played, but still, goodness. The somewhat macabre aesthetic really helps keep me into it too.
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time : Before we move off the topic of roguelikes, I might as well mention the pokémon entry. It’s probably the only roguelike that non-niche gamers will ever play, but in that, it’s a great way to draw in new fans to the genre. It’s not a (comparative) cakewalk like Baroque, but it’s cerainly not as brutal as Shiren. It stands to reason though, because the target demographic is between the 5- to 10-year-old age range, and I don’t recall children being overly fond of games that are as merciless as the common roguelike. But do I like the game? Uuuh, yeah. It’s Pokémon, come on. I actually skipped the first set of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon games, but I’m glad I broke down and picked one up this time around.
Crosswords DS : Hey fuck you. I love doing crossword puzzles, especially when they don’t reference pop culture and I’m able to solve them. But what’s better? The card is not only loaded with bajillions of crosswords; it’s got a vast expanse of word search puzzles too! Do you have any idea how many giant word search books I burned through in my childhood? Lots.
Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles: My Life As A King : I am in love with this game. I’m seriously considering spending less time with my girlfriend so I can play this game more*. I even tried to write a comic about it. And I sort of described how much I like it there too, so just go there if you want to read that.
The World Ends With You : Oh, wait. I haven’t actually started playing this yet. But it looks so good! Well, not literally. I’m actually getting kind of tired of Tetsuya Nomura, but the gameplay aspect seems like it’s really fun. So yeah. Maybe I’ll be able start it by the end of the summer. I’ll let you know.
*I’m not actually considering that. I’m dumb, but not that dumb.
I can hardly breathe
Wow, so March was pretty slow then. Actually, over the last couple weeks I’ve been getting a lot accomplished. And by “Getting a lot accomplished” I mean “watching DVDs and playing video games”. I spent almost three hours last night playing Super Paper Mario, grinding enemies for coins and items so that I could conjure up enough good healing items to get me through the Flopside Pit of 100 Trials, which is basically the last thing I feel the need to complete in that game (nuts to finishing the various collections). I gave it a go this morning, and got somewhere into the 70’s where I was disgracefully murdered by a Dark Dayzee. For some reason, I’ve also started playing through the Wind Waker again, and I have to say that I’d really like to see a true sequel.
I should mention that I bought three new games today. All cheap, too! First off, they finally put a Mr. Driller game on Xbox Live Arcade, so I totally jumped on that. I’m completely terrible at Mr. Driller, but I cannot resist the bright colours and the promise of online play. After much deliberation, I also picked up Shiren the Wanderer. I have a lot to say about it, but you might as well go ask Parish, because he just won’t shut up about it. I will say that I really love it, because roguelikes are totally awesome, but I do much prefer Izuna (which I have yet to finish).
Lastly, because I apparently never noticed it before, I sawBomberman Land and decided to pick it up on the account of it was only $30 and it would be a good idea to have a Bomberman game for Wii. Then I realized that I have the VC version of Bomberman ’93. Oops. On the upside, despite the fact that the “adventure” mode is just a glorified mini-game collection, I feel that it’s one of the best mini-game collections in the overcrowded genre. It might have something to do with the RPG-esque way the game works, because having a reason to play mini-games other than for the sake of playing mini-games is a nice change of pace. Having a light plot, character interaction/customization, and a sense of progress make it much more bearable than most other efforts. As far as gameplay goes, I’d even place it above Rayman Raving Rabbids. It doesn’t have nearly as much personality, but it’s far more acceptable as a single-player game. The only real complaint is that the graphics are unabashedly crappy. Seriously. It doesn’t look a whole lot better than the top-tier N64 titles. I don’t mind if you didn’t put your whole heart into the graphics department, but the visuals here are almost inexcusably poor.
Obviously, I bought it for multiplayer though, and while the game does try to push the mini-games on you even then, Hudson was smart enough to keep our dearly beloved battle mode intact. It’s the exact same formula we all know and love, so it’s a perfect choice if you’ve got people to play with. They even had the foresight to allow use of the Classic controller and Gamecube pads, which is excellent because I only own one Wiimote. Overall, I recommend it because not only is classic Bomberman some of the best multiplayer gaming you’re ever going to see, but the single-player adventure is entertaining enough to spend a few hours with. Of course, I’d also recommend Shiren and Mr. Driller Online, but those are far more nichey than Bomberman ever was.
Next time on Torrential Equilibrium: waxing about why we need a new entry to another beloved multiplayer franchise, and then a short run down of what movies and TV DVDs have been sapping up the rest of my free time lately.
Missing the point, part deux
You know, any old schmuck can go out and buy a bunch of crap to blog about, but it takes a special kind of schmuck to procure fanswag of this magnitude. Or at least a schmuck with connections.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
For approximately ten years, Super Mario 64 was my favourite video game ever. I’ve purchased three different versions of it, and played it to 100% completion at least a dozen times. It has been dethroned, and I think it’ll take at least twice as long for the new champ to get knocked down a peg.
To put it simply, Super Mario Galaxy is so good, I’m not entirely convinced that the last three days haven’t been a dream.
I’m really not smart enough to put proper words to this game, so I’ll just mention my favourite part: the Bowser stages. They’re rock solid platforming levels that could easily knock the socks right off any players without ample skill. The Bowser stages in Mario 64 were tricky, and these ones are too, but in entirely different ways. The last one in particular is like a mashup of everything great about platformers, and then you get to the second half and you’re really sweating because the game is literally throwing everything it has at you at once. It’s so freaking awesome that words cannot even begin to describe it. I love it and I will be playing this game until the day I die.
It’s not over yet
Last Friday, it was revealed (sort of) that Princess Peach would be returning for the next Super Smash Bros game. That was kind of obvious, but there is a more interesting topic here!
Will her panties be remodeled as nicely too?
We both get carried away
Obviously, I picked up Pokémon Pearl when it came out on Sunday. I loves me some Pokémons, so obviously I’m enjoying it. Haven’t sunk a ton of time into it, as I’m trying to concentrate on finishing up Super Paper Mario (or at least the story) for the time being. One really cool thing about the game though, (aside from the WiFi battling and trading) is that there are parts where a computer-controlled character will team up and battle with you for a short time. I’m only so far in that I’ve seen it happen twice (and one was only for a single scripted encounter), but I’m sure it’ll happen again. I’ve always been a fan of double battles, which is probably why I hold Pokémon Colosseum in such high esteem, and it’s nice to see the formula play into the game more than it did in Ruby and Sapphire. The 3D maps never fail to impress me either. Don’t know why, but they do.
As far as Super Paper Mario goes, I’ve been making semi-steady progress. Trying to balance it with Pokémon, Dead Rising, and drawing comics has been a nightmare, but it’s getting done. Nearly finished the story (which just keeps getting better), and it would appear that there are boatloads of things to do once you’ve finished the game. Remember the “Pit of 100 Trials” from The Thousand-Year Door? The one I failed on floor 100? Yeah. There are two of them here. And word on the street is that you’ve gotta finish the second one twice. Passing the first one was a time-consuming breeze, but I got owned on floor 55 of the second. I may actually finish filling out the recipe book in this one, and collecting all the enemy/character cards will be the most expensive task in a video game ever, next to getting the Post Office Model in Animal Crossing. And those are just a couple things that are going to need completing. Let’s just forget about the treasure maps and Sammer Guys for now. Brrrrr. There’s a lot to complete in that damn game.
It’s a good thing I’ve got next week off. I have a lot of games that need finishing (starting in some cases). To list a few: Super Paper Mario, Pokémon Pearl, Guitar Hero II 360, Dead Rising, Yoshi’s Island DS, Puzzle Quest, Magical Starsign, Children of Mana, TMNT(Wii), Beyond Oasis, God of War, Baten Kaitos, Baten Kaitos Origins, Tales of Eternia, LEGO Star Wars II, Me & My Katamari, Okami, Tales of the Abyss, Stubbs the Zombie, Pikmin II and truckloads more. Thank God there aren’t any games I want coming out in the forseeable future, aside from Guitar Hero 80’s Edition (and that’s in June!). My wallet’s happy about that too!
You’re dead
So anyhow, ummm… I dunno. I finally bought The Black Parade. I still don’t like “Welcome To The Black Parade”, but the album as a whole is pretty darn good. In fact, all the other songs are good. Figures though. Singles these days seem to often be the weakest songs a band has to offer. Also, you know, Wikipedia telling me the thing was majorly influenced by Queen (favourite band ever) was really the deciding factor there. Certainly wins a lot of points for that one.
I got some deformed Peeps. don’t know what to say. Better deforemd than retarded though, right?
One shot is all I’ve got
Like the rest of the internet, I really have to vent about how angry I am at the way Activision is handling the downloadable content for Guitar Hero 2. It’s just ridiculous. Chris Kohler complained mostly about the fact that the songs come in packs of three, and while it’s not the biggest issue for me, I do agree. Each song should be independently available, rather than packed in with two more you probably don’t want. And then Tycho really hit the money (pun intended) on how the things are way too expensive. I could see charging a dollar’s worth of Microsoft Points for one, but they average out to about $2.13, and at that point if you want them all, you’re paying way more than a game disc would cost you. Guitar Hero had 47 songs, so if they were all available in the Marketplace, it would average 7500 points, equating to around $98. RIDICULOUS. I’m not buying shit for that price. At least, not tracks from the first game. If they release some decent new content, I may briefly consider it.
On the other hand, Super Paper Mario is fantastic in every way. I figured it would mostly be a platformer, but it really is just a regular ol’ Paper Mario with some gimmickry and no separate battles. The whole 2D-to-3D business will really, really screw with your head. The first lesson you’ll learn when you start it up is that perception is not always truth. All you think you know about platformers, about Super Mario, even about video games in general, all that and more will be challenged. And if the gameplay alone wasn’t awesome enough, the game is probably funnier than the two previous Paper Mario games combined. Chapter 3-4 is hysterical, as it’s a huge jab at the internet and geek/otaku culture, best of all being that the first half of the Chapter 3 boss is a Japanese dating sim pardoy. It’s almost too much. I nearly hurt myself laughing as soon as I realized what was happening. Oh yes, and Luigi is a major-ish part of the plot, and a playable character! Super Paper Mario is without a doubt the best game currently on the Wii anything, and Nintendo has a long road ahead of them if they expect to top this. Ever. I AM ERROR!
Speaking of screwing with your head, if you plan on playing Super Paper Mario and feel like your brain needs a little warm-up for thinking outside the box, try out this little doozy. Basically what it is is a really impossible brain teaser. You’ve gotta put blocks in a grid to match shapes/patterns at different angles, but you’re only allowed to use so many. At first it seems like something that’s simple enough, but when you get down to it, it actually requires a lot of thinking. I spent like half an hour on the first puzzle and still couldn’t get it. I managed to figure out number 2, but that’s about it. Oh, I guess number 10 is really easy. I got it right away.
Lastly, I stumbled upon what might be the death fo my free time as I know it. Normally, I’m pretty addicted to Wikipedia. It’s like informational crack, and I’m known to spend entire nights just reading articles about characters, games, places, you name it. But now… I found this page. It combines my addiction to Wikipedia with my infatuation with cryptozoology to create some kind of horrible Ryan-destroying force of death and words and chupacabras. Also, after some light reading of a couple of the articles contained within the master list I linked, I’ve discovered that I need to head down to Churubusco, Indiana one of these Julys so that I can take in what must undoubtedly be the most wonderful festival ever: Turtle Days. From now on, that will be my life’s ambition.