Brütal Legend

Brütal Legend is, in most cases, a swell game. “Just swell?” you ask, thinking that usually when I like a game, I have trouble using adjectives that aren’t “awesome.” But yes Brütal Legend, is only swell. And while many of its parts far exceed that and delve deep into the realm of the aforementioned awesome, the sum of those parts is maybe a little lacking. Now I bet you’re thinking that such a complicated summary of a game’s worth will require an even more complicated explanation. And I’d be glad to give you one!

Let’s start at the start here. The game opens with a live action skit featuring Jack Black, and right there we’ve already got controversy. Most people I know are not fans of Jack Black, and I don’t really blame them. I myself think he has a ton of potential, he just chooses some lots of bad roles. Look at School of Rock, for example. Great movie. Peter Jackson’s King Kong? Yup, he can act. Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny? Oh, and musical talent too! Kung-Fu Panda was great and anyone who disagrees with me can go to Hell. Anyway, for each one of those movies, Black has been in about seven that were just plain bad, so it’s definitely not an even split.

Brütal Legend adds a huge credit to his name, as I am convinced that it is some of the best work he’s ever done. Though he is mostly a voice actor, Black did influence his character, Eddie Riggs, in the later stages of development, and helped choose the best tracks for the game’s fantastically comprehensive soundtrack. Anyway, the intro features Black, going into a music store, hoping to show the player an incredibly rare, unusually powerful record. The whole scene is fairly comical, but also highlights Black’s passion for music. This is where you first see where the inspiration for the game came from. The record he finds then (obviously) ends up being titled Brütal Legend, and opens up to reveal the main menu. It’s a lengthy and perhaps excessive intro, but through it alone, you can tell that the game is a labor of love.

That love, to be specific, is for metal. And I’m not talking periodic table metal here. I mean the fastest, loudest, most genuine kind of music known to man. Tim Schaffer, the game’s creative director (and mind behind gems like The Secret of Monkey Island and Psychonauts), set out to make the ultimate video game tribute to heavy metal, and I don’t believe that (outside of Guitar Hero 2, perhaps) a better claim to the title exists. Brütal Legend’s world is maybe not as gigantic as some, but it’s certainly more interesting. Where other open-world video games feature fairly generic cities with little original scenery and only a handful of truly interesting things to see, the world of Brütal Legend was built specifically to catch your eye at every corner.

The world is filled with amazing landmarks and geographical oddities, the creative minds behind it saying that it’s supposed to represent the types of imagery one would see on the covers and inserts of metal albums, and it doesn’t disappoint. Gigantic stone swords and axes are plunged into the land, the face of one particular cliff is made entirely of huge speakers, trees are made of exhaust pipes and have tires hanging from them. There are plenty of truly amazing landmarks throughout the land, and the game designers even thought to add in viewing stations near the bulk of them that trigger short cutscenes so player can view said landmarks from more optimal angles, should they be so inclined.

Not everything in the world is right though. While it’s a small complaint, there are invisible walls here and there, which are not cool. They’re most noticeable in the jungle area, where it’s fairly impossible to walk to the back side of the jungle temple. One time I glitched my way back there and wasn’t able to get out without a save and reset. The other ones are mostly around the higher areas of mountains that you’re not supposed to be able to get up anyway, but I figure that if you can wiggle up there, the game should let you; not stop you with an outdated gameplay contrivance. It’s sort of important to the story that you don’t wander the eastern half of the world until the plot lets you, but I’m still a little put out that I can’t break the game because of invisible walls.

Another low point is that the world is littered with collectible baubles, which are always a pain to hunt down. Though unlike most games, the rewards you get for looking for them are a little better than being able to claim that you got them all. The aforementioned landscape viewers are their own reward, of course. There are 120 dragon statues bound in S&M gear (ball gag included), and freeing them will net you character upgrades after every ten. 13 “Legend” statues dot the landscape, which will each show you a brief snippet of the game’s back story upon finding them. The 9(?) solo monuments will grant you new guitar solos, which are Eddie’s equivalent to ocarina tunes. Finally, there are many, many “buried metal” statues to unearth, and each one adds a new song to your playlist. These are the least useful, but definitely the ones I got most excited about finding.

In the end, the lack of complete freedom is insignificant because trucking around the parts of the world that are available (re: everything but the mountaintops) is super fun. This is attributed to two things. Number one is that Eddie has the best car ever. The Deuce, AKA the Druid Plow, drives fast, handles well, and is great at being an instrument of death. Yeah, you could just pump the nitros and ram wildlife to death, but if you explore enough (and why wouldn’t you?), you can find gates to the underworld, where Ozzy Osbourne the Guardian of Metal will pimp your ride. The best upgrades are unlocked by progressing through the story, and by the end you can have the Deuce decked out with missiles, lightning cannons, mines, flamethrowers, and more. Granted, you can only equip one main and one secondary weapon at a time, but really, once you get the lightning gun, there’s no need to go back.

The other reason you’re going to take the time to roam the land is because of the Deuce’s Mouth of Metal. Or in layman’s terms: the radio. Brutal Legend has one of the best video game soundtracks that I’ve ever heard, right up on par with Guitar Hero 2 and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. Possibly even better. If you were to look up the track list, you might think that it lacks variety because where are the Top 40 songs? And if you asked that, stop reading after this paragraph. Leave my website, turn on your oven, and put your head in it. Leave in until golden brown.

For all of you still with me, you are the kind of people we need to make the world a better place. Go and procreate, and teach your children the wonders of metal. But wait until you’re done here, of course.

Back to the story at hand, playing Brütal Legend is fun because when you’re doing it right, you’re listening to the biggest and most comprehensive history of metal ever included in a video game. The soundtrack is made of 107 songs hand-picked by Schaffer, Black, and a few others to be the best that it can be. Sure, maybe it does seem like there are a lot of Judas Priest, Motörhead, and Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne songs, but there’s a perfectly good explanation for that: Rob Halford, Lemmy, and Ozzy are all voice actors in the game. Yes, maybe the playlist could have been fleshed-out a little more if they’d limited bands to one or two songs each, but the fact remains that Judas Priest, Motörhead and Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne are all worth multiple songs, as they are all hugely influential bands and easily deserve the spots. What really matters though, is that driving across the world at top speed with this soundtrack blasting is incredibly fun. It made scouring all the corners of the world for all those tchotchkes bearable, and made just playing the game in general much more awesome.

And all that was just as an aside to the rest of the game. Or perhaps I should say, the main focus of the game. While the actual story isn’t really great (the back story found in the legend statues is much more interesting, if not a bit hammy), all the nuances of the characters and the quality of the voice acting really make it worth playing. Eddie Riggs in particular is the exact opposite of the usual Jack Black character, who is a doofus and learns over the course of the story to be a better person. Eddie is already awesome. In fact, he is the world’s greatest roadie. His mantra from the beginning of the game is that roadies belong in the shadows, helping to make the true stars shine. He never wavers from this throughout the entire game. He knows his place is to be in a support role, and does his best to help human resistance leaders Lars and Lita save humanity from the evil Doviculus and his demon army, the Tainted Coil.

While the story is fun, playing the main game is… kind of all over the place. And this is where the game takes its biggest hit. The first few questss of the game have you playing as Eddie, marching around and whacking dudes. Sometimes other people follow you, and you can give them basic orders. These parts are okay, but the combat controls feel odd, almost like they were a second thought. And then very slowly it turns into a real-time strategy game, with a base and units and resources and everything. Well, maybe not everything. It’s sort of like a My First RTS, being pretty simple, with only one resource, and all the little elements introduced to the player one by one. And all the while, you’re still controlling Eddie, so you can try to win by marching around and whacking dudes, but it won’t work. Even on the normal difficulty, by the final battle the difficulty had gotten pretty ridiculous. Not that it’s incredibly hard, but it seems that like in most RTS games, the CPU doesn’t need resources to pump out legions of troops.

While they aren’t done really well, the RTS segments, or “stage battles” are fairly fun. The units for each faction are original and have tons of personality, and each faction leader has a different set of abilities to employ via guitar solos. Eddie’s ultimate attack, for instance, summons a giant flaming zeppelin to crash onto the battlefield to smite his foes. The reference alone is wonderful, but actually watching it happen is like magic. Your base, as the title “stage battle” implies, is a stage, and despite it being the only base you have (no building micromanagement here), it’s really cool. Not only does it blare a different set of songs for whichever faction you’re playing as, but you can also hop up on it to blow enemies away with a blast from the amps, or fry them with spotlight cannons.

The rest of the game is made up of a handful of other mission types. Some have you protecting the Ironheade tour bus, others have you piloting a turret to take out bad guys from above while your foot soldiers protect you. The one that is the most fun, however, requires you to drive around in the Deuce as waves of enemies approach and lay down markers for a mortar cannon. It’s a little tricky at first, and you get no indication of where the next enemy wave is coming from, but a perfect shot results in enemy corpses flying everywhere. It’s incredibly satisfying. And the music ties back into these other missions as well, as each story mission which is not a stage battle plays a new song, and once you complete the mission that song is added to your accessible playlist.

Two of these events in particular stand out, mostly because of the perfect blend of action and metal. The first is at the end of the first third of the game, where Eddie and company have defeated Doviculus’ glam metal general, Lionwhyte, and his gigantic pleasure dome is collapsing around them. Massive monsters (called Bleeding Death) are falling from the sky, and everything around you is burning. You have to race through the rubble and creatures before you get crushed, burned, or devoured. It’s a hectic scene, as you cannot stop and the path isn’t always clear. Tension is high, and the chosen song for this particular setpiece is Dragonforce’s “Through the Fire and the Flames,” which is perfect, if only because your destination is literally through the fire and the flames. The song is fast, powerful, and really lends to the situation’s sense of urgency. The blistering guitars feel so natural as you’re pushing the Deuce as fast as it can go, and the sounds of screams and explosions rocking the dome mesh right in with the music.

It’s a fantastic part of the game, and while it only lasts about two minutes (and the song is closer to nine) if you get it right, it made a very strong impression on me. My adrenaline was pumping, and it will probably be a moment in gaming that I will remember for a long time. But it’s not perfect. Like I said in the previous paragraph, the path isn’t always clear. The track is created dynamically as the place falls apart, which creates situations where it looks like you go this way but then a pillar smashes to the ground in front of you. I failed this section many times (most because I tried to kill the Bleeding Death), and failure resets the whole scenario. Listening to the first 30 seconds of “Through the Fire and the Flames” over and over? Not as great as listening to the whole song.

The other specific scenario that really stands out from the rest is the final boss fight. And why shouldn’t it? It’s the final boss after all. There are a total of… three? Maybe even only two boss battles in the entire game. If there are more, clearly they were overshadowed to the point of being forgettable. But the final battle against Doviculus (Oh, it’s not a spoiler. It would be a spoiler if there were another eleventh-hour final boss.) is really cool. Maybe it’s because it’s set to Judas Priet’s “Painkiller,” which makes everything better, but I thought it was a pretty great fight. For Brutal Legend anyway.

The bosses are one-on-one affairs (er… sort of, they can both summon minor enemies), and that’s why it kind of stumbles. Again, while on foot, Eddie’s combat controls aren’t great. They use a Zelda-esque lock-on system, but it feels unrefined and maybe less responsive than it should be. Enemies are also very resilient, and their attacks are rarely interrupted by hits. They also tend to track you as you dodge, so even if you get out of the way while they’re winding up for an attack, they might still end up facing you by the time it launches. These are huge issues when surrounded by baddies, which results in you taking a lot more damage than you should, but it’s not quite as bad mano-e-demono.

There are two phases to the Doviculus fight: one where you hammer the attack button and maybe try to dodge once in a while. After getting enough of a beating, he’ll chain himself to the wall and start summoning minions. There are also explosions, and a Bleeding Death will eventually start swiping at you through the wall. Blasting the chains holding Doviculus to the wall will bust them apart and once they’re all gone, you go back into phase one. Repeat a couple times, and the world is saved. It does get a little crazy up in there by the third round, and just like the pleasure dome escape, “Painkiller” fits the mood perfectly. It’s an epic, powerful song, and is a perfect complement to a rock n’ roll showdown between good and evil. Though after the annoyingly difficult stage battle that precedes it, the fight does come off as a bit of a cakewalk in comparison.

So while the gameplay could have been a little more focused, it’s not bad. Should a sequel crop up someday, I think it would benefit from losing the on-foot missions and refining the stage battle mechanics. Keeping Eddie in the air (he can eventually fly during stage battles) or in the Deuce for the bulk of the game would help to even out the quality of gameplay. It’s fine to let him roam free when you’re actually roaming free, because exploring the world is the most fun you’ll have in the game. Maybe equip Eddie with an iPod so you can listen to the kickass soundtrack while on foot. But when it comes to missions, I think they have a good thing going with the stage battles, and focusing on them and tightening up the mechanics and balance would make it great. Or take them out and go all-out with the adventure aspect. Make Eddie more nimble and fix how enemies react in combat. Hell, just copy the Zelda physics wholesale. Nobody would care.

Either way, it’s just a matter of polishing the gameplay aspect of the game. Brütal Legend has a perfect sense of atmosphere, and while the plot lacks a little, there’s plenty of personality to back it up . It’s the first game in a long time that I sat down with, and I played until I beat it. These days it’s rare for me to actually finish a game without putting it down and then picking it back up weeks or even months later. I think there was a three week period at most between the day I started Brutal Legend and the day I finished it. I also have a thing where I get scared of advancing in games. I don’t know what it is, but somehow I always get to a point where I don’t want to start the next mission or go into the next dungeon. I don’t know why, but I have a mental block. The only reason I put off missions in Brutal Legend is because I was having too much fun screwing around in the overworld. I enjoyed that it sucked me in. I really enjoyed that I didn’t feel that progress block. I love that it’s metal, and I really love that it loves metal. If it weren’t for the half-hearted gameplay, it would easily be on my list of best games ever. Unfortunately, it is doomed by its shallow and sometimes frustrating gameplay to languish with the likes of the Silent Hill series in a category of games that strike a fantastic atmosphere, but could have used a little more play-testing.

Jack Black said no drums!

I took the night off from Skyward Sword yesterday to go see The Muppets. On my way to the theatre I was jonesin’ for some Zelda, but forgot about that before the movie proper started.

Firstly, two previews really grabbed my attention. There’s a new Studio Ghibli/Disney production on the way, which looks really good. The animation quality alone made the animation love in my quiver in delight. I can’t remember what it’s called and damned if I’m going to bother looking it up, but absolutely keep an eye out for the cartoon about little people living under the floor. The other was the new Pixar flick, Brave, which doesn’t seem like it’ll be as good as Up but no less is a movie I’ll need to see.

After the previews came a Toy Story short which alone would have justified the outing. It’s hilarious, and will keep you laughing the whole way through. While Pixar could have taken it and fleshed it out into a complete movie, it’s probably best as a short. I lamented its brevity, but know deep down that a feature-length version wouldn’t have been as great.

Our feature presentation was up against some fierce competition there, but the Muppets and Jason Segel pulled it off and Super 8 had finally been dethroned as my favourite movie of 2011. The Muppets was amazing. It was everything I’d hoped it would be and more. It was hilarious almost the whole way through, and when I wasn’t laughing I was on the verge of tears. Oh hell, the ending actually did bring a tear to my eye. The way the movie was so easily able to manipulate my emotions is uncommon, and I love it all the more for being able to crack my tough exterior. Not only that, but somehow The Muppets was able to slip by my distaste for musicals. That’s how you know you’ve done something special.

The film warmed my heart like nothing else can, and kept me laughing with a constant barrage of slapstick, one-liners, and brilliantly placed celebrity cameos (their use of Jim Parsons was exquisite). It left me completely satisfied, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I was ready to sing and dance my way out of the theatre, and I’m very strongly considering going to see it again this weekend. I cannot wait to get this on blu-ray so I can watch it every single day for the rest of forever.

My only lament is that those are not the Muppets’ voices! I guess maybe some had the same actors, but the big names (Kermit and Fozzie specifically) were just ever-so-slightly off, and it bugged me to no end. But that’s a minor quibble, not nearly annoying enough to tarnish my opinion of the movie as a whole. In conclusion, go see The Muppets. And tell me when you’re going so I can tag along.

An open letter to snow

Dear snow,

Go away. I don’t like you and you obviously don’t like me. You make me leave for work early and make it difficult to see where I’m driving. You turn relaxing car rides into slow, dangerous chores. And that’s not the worst of it! I can deal with the slow driving, but I hate that you like to make my clothes all wet. There are few thngs that annoy me more than wet clothes. I despise walking around with the ankles of my pants all wet, in turn making my socks wet. And when I open my car door and you fly all over my seat in an attempt to make my butt wet and uncomfortable? What a horrible thing to do to a person. You constantly get all over everything and then into everything, creating wet/frozen messes. It’s like nature tried to come up with something more annyoing than sand. And it succeeded with you, snow!

In closing, nobody likes you, snow. You should just kill yourself.

 

Sincerely,

Funk Master R Valentine

Gained 23 JP! Job level up!

I think the title here sells the idea of this post pretty well. I’ve finally moved up a rung on the career ladder, and today I start my new job. It’s not really that far a stretch from what I was doing before, but there are a few differences and a lot of responsibility that separates what I’m doing now from what I’ve been doing the last two years.

I won’t lie, I’m more than a little worried that it’ll be too much for me. I know that it won’t, but I’ve got a persistent nagging in the back of my head telling me that I’m going. Low self esteem’s a bitch.

All anxieties aside, there are a few nice perks to this new position. Number one obviously being the small increase in pay. It’s not a huge amount, but there’s another, more substantial jump once I finish the training program that I’m working on. This should at least slightly assuage my fears of not making enough money to live.

The second, much more immediate benefit is that I’m moving to a new branch, and it’s about half the distance from my house as compared to the one I come from. I’m pretty pumped that I gat to sleep in an extra half hour every day and that I’ll be using about half the gas that I do now. Even better is that the swap managed to happen less than a week after our first real snowfall. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to driving back and forth across the city every day for another winter.

Third on my list of exciting things is that my new branch isn’t made out of windows. Yes, it looks nice, but I’m kind of over being blinded by the sun for several hours a day. I’m not completely sure this isn’t going to be a problem, because today will be my first time ever being in my new branch. I’ve driven by it a couple times though, and I doubt the sun will bother me there.

The last big thing I’m looking forward to is that my new branch seems to be quite a bit busier than the previous one. I’m sure I’ve spent enough time complaining about how slow the old branch is, so it’ll be a nice change of pace to be busy. That in addition to all the other work I’ll be doing will probably have me singing the opposite tune before long: that I don’t have enough time to get everything done. But I prefer it that way, so awesome.

If there’s any one negative aspect of this move, it’s that I don’t really want to have to get to know a new bunch of people (again). Not that I think the new branch crew won’t be a good set of co-workers, but I quite like the old set of staff. It may have been too far from home and poorly defended from sunlight, but that branch had some of the most fun people I’ve ever worked with. Oh well. We’ll still have company events.

Dead Island

I’ve recently been spending large chunks of my weekends on Dead Island, and I’ve got pretty mixed feelings about it. For the tl;dr crowd: I like it, and I’m pretty sure that if you like Fallout 3 you’ll find much to enjoy here.

The big thing about Dead Island is that I don’t play first-person shooters very often, but Techland somehow managed to take the handful of recent FPSs that I have played and mash them all together. I haven’t played enough of Fallout 3 (about 25 hours?), and I haven’t seen any more than the cover of New Vegas, but they were quite clearly the base inspiration for Dead Island. It’s an FPS set in a big open(ish) world, where you have to scrounge stuff from everywhere to survive.

Missions are doled out one at a time to further the story, but you can strike out on your own and do as you please (this is how I spent my time with Fallout 3). Along the way, you’ll likely meet up with some people who will give you sidequests. Some will just be crazy and try to kill you. I only encountered only a single homicidal human in the first third of the game, but they become a little more common as you go along.

Like Fallout, your weapons will decay with use and become useless. Well, mostly useless. You can still beat zombies with your blunted cleaver, but it does barely any damage and any special effects (like fire or electricity) are lost. You can repair them for a fee, upgrade them for a few more bucks, and modify weapons to give them special traits once you have the proper blueprints and parts. Armor does not exist though, which is good and bad. Good because you don’t have to constantly stop to repair or find replacements; bad because a handful of zombies can tear your fleshy hide apart right quick.

Where Dead Island really departs from its cousins is in weapon selection. The first area of Dead Island provides melee weapons almost exclusively. It’s great, visceral fun, but in the first dozen or so hours I spent with it, I’d only held two revolvers and about forty bullets. Fallout 3 was fun for me because I could skulk around the landscape with a hunting rifle and pop any enemies before they had a chance. Yeah, ammo was a little more scare than I liked, but at least it was there. Games that force stealth are no fun, but when it’s an option, that’s how I usually play it. It also provided a survival scenario that I could take at my own pace. If I wanted to avoid the mutants, I hike the long way around the mountain or take the shortcut through the cave. Here, the world feels much less open and you rarely have the option to go around zombies. You’re always the hunted, and rarely get to play the hunter.

The big difference between Fallout 3 and Dead Island where maps are concerned is that in Fallout, you have one gigantic map with all sorts of tunnels and buildings to explore. Dead Island is divided into several large areas with no such “dungeons” to find. I definitely would have liked at least a couple segregated areas. There is the hotel and a couple small apartments that take you to separate maps, but those barely count. We’ll have to see what later areas bring. The majority of the buildings are just textured cubes too. A good portion of the cabanas in the resort area have proper interiors, but once you hit the town map you’ll start wondering if all those doors are just painted on.

The game is a lot like Fallout 3, but it’s also coloured with shades of Borderlands and Left 4 Dead. Like those two, Dead Island is intended to be played cooperatively online with other people. The game wouldn’t even let me start at first because it’s set by default to online co-op and I don’t have a gold subscription to Xbox Live. I haven’t spent enough time with Left 4 Dead or its sequel to pass judgement on just how similar Dead Island is to them, but I hear that the “special” zombies on Banoi island bear more than just a passing resemblance to those in Valve’s games.

Borderlands though, I have played quite a bit more of. While it’s not quite as much an influence on Dead Island as Fallout, you can’t ignore the signs. For one, weapons in Dead Island are colour-coded. Yes, it’s a thing in other games too, but the only other one I’ve played that does that is Borderlands. The major difference being that I didn’t see a second-tier weapon for hours in Dead Island, whereas I picked one up on my third or fourth quest in Borderlands.

Another similarity is that random pickups respawn in both of these games. It takes away from the survival aspect (which wasn’t a part of Borderlands anyway), but I feel like it adds to the gameplay. Yes, the aspect of running around with no bullets is thrilling for a little while, but I find that when I run out of weapons, a game that centers around killing is considerably less fun. The old-style Resident Evils play that feature properly: they limit your ammo, but enemies never respawn, so it’s almost a like a puzzle where you have to figure out where your ammo is best spent. If weapons weren’t strewn about so liberally in Dead Island, you’d run out in no time and be stuck running away or punching zombies to death. To give you an idea of how useless punching is in Dead Island, they give you the achievement for killing while unarmed after just 25 zombies.

From the start of the game, you get to choose from four characters, each which his or her own strengths and skill trees. Just like Borderlands. Did the characters in Left 4 Dead have any differences that weren’t cosmetic? While this is key to building a balanced team, the fact of the matter is that I’ll never play this game with others. So I really wouldn’t mind if there were a “single-player” character, who could choose from the entire pool of skills. Also I’m not a fan of the “skill pipe” system, where you have to pump points into unrelated skills to get to the one you want. What I’m saying here is that they should have copied Fallout’s skill system too. I’m cool with prerequisites for advanced skills, but those prerequisites should make sense, and not just be arbitrarily placed along a line. Why to I need to get the “medkits are more effective” skill before I can buy the “less likely to be noticed” skill? Healing and stealth are two totally different fields.

Anyway, I’m coming off too negative. I really like Dead Island, though I fear it will end up sitting incomplete along with Fallout 3 and Borderlands despite that. The thing that ties them all together is that they’re all so huge and open, that I get an initial rush of excitement, with the exploring and the screwing around, but then burn out before I can even make it halfway through the story. Yeah, there’s something I never thought I’d lament: games being too long and having too much content. 16-year-old Ryan would be so sad if he knew that he’d grow up into a man that had trouble finishing games that surpass a 15-hour requirement.

Dead Island has a few good things about it that weren’t key traits of other games though, and while I’d love to talk about those, there’s one thing that really bugs me about the game. I mean really boils my turnip. I usually don’t care if games with high NPC/enemy populations re-use character models/sprites. A few of my favourite games don’t even bother to recolour clothing, never mind create unique NPCs. But Dead Island really takes the cake; on the resort map, there are literally two female NPC character models: the standard one, and the one that’s a little chubbier. Female zombies are the same, but discoloured and with bits missing. Yes, their heads and bikini patterns change, but they’ve still all got one of two bodies. Oh yes, and every single female (outside of the two playable females) in the game is wearing a bikini until you get back into the hotel. It is ridiculous. Sex appeal is great; I have no problem with bikini babes. This is overkill though. The sexism line has been long since crossed. There are at least a dozen generic male character models. Would it have hurt to put some short shorts on at least one of the female models? Come on, Techland. Have a little class. The good news is that once you leave the resort there are properly clothed ladies, but I had played over ten hours before I got to that point.

So after all this complaining, what do I like about Dead Island? One thing that sticks out in my mind is the “thug” zombie. Thugs are a good foot taller than your average walking dead, and they can knock you flat with a single hook or headbutt. They are dangerous, and you learn that quickly. Encountering a thug is terrifying because you know that you’re going to be facing something that can kill you with little effort. Compounding this effect is the fact that thugs emit the most blood-curdling roar in the history of video games. It chills me to my bone, and instantly makes me stop cold in my tracks to assess my surroundings. The only thing that keeps thugs from being a total nightmare is that they move at about half the speed of a normal zombie. Still, the tension blows through the roof whenever a thug howls, and I find taking them down incredibly satisfying.

The best way to stop a thug, of course, is to remove his arms. Severing enemies’ body parts has been one of my secret favourite things to do in video games for years. I played the first level of Turok 2 over and over, never caring to progress in the game, just happy to play with the different weapons and see how they tore the monsters apart. Dead Island definitely strikes the right chords in this regard. Once you get your first cleaver or machete, you’ll never want to go back to pipes and wrenches. Blunt weapons can be used to break zombie bones (which is hilarious in its own way) and smash in their heads like so many pumpkins. Bladed weapons, logically, will completely remove the offender’s limbs. Sometimes you’ll swing at the right time when a zombie charges you, which will sever his head in one swing and put the game into slow motion to watch his head pop up while his body keep running past you. It’s quite awesome, but takes more than a little luck to pull off regularly.

Outside of thugs though, removing limbs isn’t strictly necessary, as by the time you’ve got that second arm off, that zombie’s probably re-dead anyway. Decapitation, of course, is always your best bet. They’re zombies! And they’re scary! A lone zombie isn’t much trouble; you’re equipped with a kick move that almost guarantees knocking a ghoul down, and once they’re down, they’re meat. Though as I noted before, a bunch of zombies can easily tear you a new one. I don’t know how many times now I was poking around and got mobbed by a group of four or five zombies. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but they hit hard and flail around pretty quickly. Especially the “infected” class of zombies, who are Dead Island’s version of the Hollywood zombie. Not that classifying the fast ones as “infected” makes a lick of sense. Aren’t all of them infected? Isn’t that the problem?

Anyway, I’m getting totally off-track here. My point there was that zombies are scary. Especially since they level up with you. You life bar gets bigger with each level-up, but it’s really moot because zombie arm/claw/bite/whatever strength increases at about the same pace. Infected class zombies (they move faster and hit harder) are even more lethal because if they get you, they usually get in three or four hits at a time. If you’re up against two or more infected, there’s a good chance you’re going to die. Regular zombies (“Walkers”) are considerably less dangerous, even in large groups. They have one advantage: they’re clever enough to get the drop on you. Walkers are the only zombies whose howls blend in with the ambient noises floating on the air, and they also like to play possum. I figured obsessing over tearing apart corpses to make sure they don’t get me when my back is turned was going to be a habit exclusive to Dead Space. I was wrong.

I’m sure there are other good things about Dead Island aside from zombies. There really probably are. It’s just, they’re all done better in other games. Most of them in a single game! That doesn’t mean it’s not worth playing though! If you can get over the slightly janky combat system, dependably buggy graphics, and vicious difficulty spike, you’ll have a grand old time on Banoi. Might even be better with friends. I’ll never know. I’m excluded from that world because I’m a dinosaur and prefer local multiplayer.

I like lands in three dees.

I was going to write a post about how sad I am that I only got a week to play Super Mario 3D Land. Then I realized how stupid that was. I’ve beaten the game already. Full clear, too. I really did pour every extra hour I had over the last week into the game. Yes, Skyward Sword is going to be eating up most of that free time for a while to come, but I still have lunch hours and other not-at-home downtimes to use to plug away at Mario.

Obviously, the game is worth playing again. Hell, you have to play through it two times to clear it completely anyway. But it’s a fun game! That should really go without saying. I don’t have an exact record of how many times I’ve played through Super Mario World and Super Mario 64, but I can assure you that both figures are in the double digits.

The real tragedy here is that between Mario and Zelda, I’m going to be completely ignoring my recent-ish purchase of Bit.Trip Saga. I talked a bit about Runner not long ago, but hadn’t played any of the others until I picked up the collection. The other games are generally just as good a Runner, with the exception of Core, which I like a little less because I’m terrible at it. They’re not the most robust or feature-packed games, but they are fun and addictive, which is really all you need. As fun as they are though, I don’t have enough drive to play them over other games because they’re high-score games. A game can be super fun, but if there’s no sense of progression I will most likely leave it by the wayside. Runner is the only one that really has any complexity to it (beating stages and collecting gold), and I’ve already played the WiiWare version of that one to death. I guess Fate is a little more complex too, and that’s probably the one I’ve played most via the Saga.

The other game I feel bad about neglecting here (and let’s ignore that list I posted two weeks ago) is Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked. I got it for my birthday and have been slowly making progress in it over the last couple months, but I’ve sort of hit a brick wall. The SMT series has a reputation for being hard, and knowing that I chose to play the game on easy mode, yet I’m already running into battles that I’m barely making it through. And I’m really not very far into the game. So the reason I’m shying away from this one is the difficulty barrier. It’s not so much that I don’t like hard games, it’s just that I don’t really have time to learn hard games. The back half of Super Mario 3D Land is downright evil sometimes, but it’s all just reflexes. You’ll never fail because you didn’t take into account what element goombas are weak against. Whereas I’d revel in games like Devil Survivor back in the day (see Final Fantasy Tactics), spending hours learning and breaking them, I just can’t afford to fight a battle multiple times just so I can pin down the right team I need to win. This isn’t a detraction from the game itself of course! I do really like it, but it’s just not likely going to see completion until I decide to sit down and focus on it and it alone.

And there ends my complaining about not having enough time for my favourite hobby. For now. I’ll be far to entranced by new Zelda over the next few weeks to care. I’ve also taken the liberty of scheduling a couple articles on the next two Sundays. Yeah, articles. Not sure if those really matter now that I’m WordPressin’ it up. Ehhh. I’ll keep it a thing for old times’ sake. Maybe the next time I reinvent the site I’ll just mesh them in with everything else.

The inconsistent hype train

I think it’s a tad odd how excited I am for The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Well, I mean, no, it’s not odd at all. A new console Zelda is always a huge deal for Nintendo fanboys. What I mean is that it’s a much bigger deal for me than Twilight Princess was. Maybe I was so excited about the Wii launch that my hype for new Zelda was diminished a bit, but I don’t remember being nearly as excited for it as I am Skyward Sword. I know for sure that I wasn’t counting the days.

Then again, I don’t think I’ll ever be as excited for a game launch as I was for The Wind Waker.

Last week I did have the privilege to play the Skyward Sword E3 demo via my cousin’s husband’s (There’s gotta be a word for that. Cousband?) Homebrew Channel. Needless to say, it only served to get me more excited for the full game. And then they invited me over to play a leaked copy of said full game the next night. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever said no to, but the demo was already more than I should have played. Legends of Zelda are big things, and I decided to save myself so that I could savor it properly. I had a big ol’ sex metaphor ready to go here, but decided against actually typing it. You can see where I was going, so it shouldn’t be hard to figure it out yourself.

Anyway, I’m really kicking myself for not saving one or two vacation days for this. Yes, I’ll play all day long on Sunday, but after that I don’t even know when my next chance to see it will be. Thursday? Stupid work. I wish it would just go away for a while.

And for old times‘ sake: ZELDA COUNTDOWN : 4 DAYS REMAIN.