TE’s Hat Collection!

I’m not really one for the world of fashion. Hell, most straight men aren’t. I usually don’t bother with much other than a t-shirt and jeans, but there is one type of accessory that I simply adore. Hats. Yes, hats. I’ve always been quite fond of wearing hats of all shapes and sizes. Sadly, my head is gigantic, so most of the time I look silly with a hat on. So I took that to my advantage, and now I’ve become quite an avid collector of silly hats.

Well, maybe not so much a collector, but I do have a penchant for acquiring unusual headwear.

You know who else wears a wide variety of hats? Kirby. And there are even more similarities than that between me and the little pink marshmallow. See, when Kirby puts on a new hat, it bestows him a power that is somehow represented by that hat. My hats have similar qualities, only slightly less fantastic. My hats don’t make me a master swordsman or allow me to breathe fire. No, those abilities are constant.

That’s far more than enough of a preface, don’t you think? Yes, I’ve rambled a bit too much, so let’s get on to the hats already!

The cowboy hat

The first hat is the cowboy hat. This cowboy hat actually used to belong to my dad, but it was handed down to me a couple years ago after I expressed how much I enjoyed wearing it. Sadly, it spends the bulk of its time as a decoration rather than as a hat.

The cowboy hat not only gives me the skill to wrangle various types of cattle and ride bulls with the best of them, but it also does an excellent job of bringing out my inner shirtless hunky cowboy. This trait is key in scoring with hot models and your mom.

The plastic top hat

I’ve always wanted a top hat. I’ve made it clear to everyone I’ve come in contact with in my whole life ever at least once. While I’ve yet to get my hands on a real top hat, a couple years ago my mom decided that it would be funny to get me a plastic top hat for New Year’s. The thought was appreciated, but the plastic top hat was thrown to the wayside soon after the event. Now it is used mainly as a bucket that holds my bank statements and crayons.

The plastic top hat is a favourite of Party Ryan, though it is still only used on very drunk occasions. It provides me with the power to be funny and to ring in the new year with a plastic hat. Then again, the funny might just be a side effect of the booze.

The novelty pimp hat

This hat is probably the least original of the bunch, being a dime a dozen. Or… 24 dollars a dozen, given the fact that the carnival games that you win these hats cost like two bucks a play. At any given carnival/amusement park, you’ll likely see folks young and old sporting these hats en masse.

This hat affords me no extra ability, as my pimpin’ skillz are as top notch as they’re gonna get.

The adventure hat

Also known as “the fedora” and “the Indiana Jones hat”, the adventure hat has a very special place in my heart. I bought it during my latest trip to Walt Disney World, and it is the only hat I wear day-to-day. While a fedora is usually reserved for old men, I think it suits me quite well, and it matches with my sweet suede jacket.

The adventure hat’s effect is a little more subtle than most. It enhances my adventuring and relic-finding skills to near god-like levels. Like the cowboy hat, it also adds to my innate studliness, though the effect is slightly less than that of the cowboy hat.

Bonus!

As a neat little extra, apply aviator glasses and a goatee to the mix and BAM! you’re Adam Savage. The illusion is seamless.

The reindeer antlers

Alright, I’ll level with you; the antlers aren’t really mine. We bought them for my dogs to wear, but they turned out to be too big for the dogs’ tiny little noggins. Obviously, it was a big small to get around my enormous cranium.

As the antlers aren’t mine, nor are they even intended for human use, they don’t induce any special effects.

The horns

Okay smartasses, make your greenhorn jokes now and get it over with. The horns were purchased before one Halloween because I had no costume ideas and I was pretty much picking up anything I could to make a hodgepodge of novelty items.

The horns don’t do a whole lot, really. Their main use is making small children afraid and cry. Everything else is simply aesthetic.

The X-Buster

It was ten bucks okay. You know I’ll buy anything with MegaMan stamped on it.

The X-buster, to sum it up quickly, doesn’t do a whole lot when placed on my head. It most certainly doesn’t summon seagulls like I hoped it would. When placed on my hand, however, it allows me to fire small foam darts with almost no accuracy or power.

The mask

A treasured construction toy of my past, I discovered that I still had my bucket of ZAKS only a scant few years ago. While fooling aroud with them, I also discovered that most of the manual was intact. And what was the coolest thing in the manual? The ZAKS mask of course. It looks kind of like a gorilla head from the right angle.

The ZAKS mask, like the horns, does an excellent job scaring small children. Other effects include making people think I’m really smart because I was able to fashion an entire helmet (including a removable neck protector) out of triangles and squares.

The Dallas Cowboys cap

This hat actually used to/might still belong to my dad, but I do wear it from time to time, when the adventure hat seems like a little too much. I’m pretty sure it’s mine though, because he has another hat and never wears this one.

This hat grants me the special ability to look like I play far more sports than I do. It’s useful for getting into the pants of those girls who only like jocks. When paired with sunglasses, it also allows me look a lot older, possibly even enabling me to pass for a slightly shorter version of my dad. These abilities do wonders for camouflauge in populated areas.

The Bomber Bolts

The foam novelty accessories are a staple of sporting events, and I’m not the kind to not jump on every bandwagon that passes by. The cliché giant foam hand was my first pick, but since it wans’t available, I had to go with the headpiece. Unfortunately, I’d outgrown it long ago, and now I can’t get it on my head without fear of tearing it in half.

The main effect of the bolts is making me holler like an animal while watching the game. Also notable is that they change people’s opinion of you based on how well the Bombers are doing in the current season.

The Conan

So it’s not a hat. Big deal. I’m including it and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not a perfect replica of the Conan, but it’s as close as my hair is ever gonna get. It’s pretty similar to “the Steve” as well, it’s just parted differently.

While sporting this “do”, I don’t gain the daywalker traits of Conan O’Brien, but it certainly does attract attention.

And that concludes the list of my hats and the various abilities I gain while wearing them. Maybe one day when I’ve collected more hats, I shall show those off as well, but for now this is all.

Get up, get off, get loud, get down

Hey all. Sorry about the lack of article so far this week. I’ve got at least 3 topics, but between Steambot Chronicles, job hunting/interviews, and learning to drive (Again. Yeah, I’m pathetic) I’ve been somewhat preoccupied lately. I might have to resort to posting another Comedy Napalm Classic (I think it’s the last one) to keep my weekly streak going. Let’s just all remember that I officially have until 11:59PM on Saturday to get it done. Other than to mention that I survived the heart-attack-on-a-bun, I don’t really have much more reason to be posting.

Oh snap! I forgot Band of the Month! (fix0red)

You look so good in blue

Here’s the official site of The UK’s premier newspaper “The Sun“. You’re probably thinking something like “Why would anyone want to check out a site about a newspaper?”. The answer is simple: Page 3!. That’s why!

Couldn’t help myself. I read Mike’s post today and couldn’t resist a parody promoting boobs. Here’s more for those disappointed with that link (boring chicks).

“Where’s Waldo” movie trailer

Best. Blog. Ever.

XE in Disney: Part 3

Inside The Gamer’s Studio

I can’t surf

They’re making a Castlevania movie. I hope it’s awesome and spawns enough sequels to get up to a Curse of Darkness story…

You know what else pleases me to no end? Mario Hoops 3-on-3. I don’t care at all for basketball, but the fact that Square-Enix is developing it just makes me giggle. Also, it looks rather pretty too.

And last for today, check this out. Neat marketing scheme, no?

I’m droppin’ plates on your ass, bitch

I finally got around to checking out last week’s Potoshop Phriday, and I nearly burst laughing at this particular submission…

Yeah, I know. I’m a huge nerd.

So last week I watched Hostel. Frankly, I was quite disappointed. To be fair, I guess I was just expecting too much. I mean, there was plenty of gore and flinchy moments, but to tell the truth, it was rather boring. The whole first half of the movie was establishing plot and whatnot, and by the time it got to the good stuff, I had already picked up my DS and was halfway immersed in New Super Mario Bros. Like I said, I was expecting a lot, and it just couldn’t live up to the magnificent movie I had imagined. I don’t want to completely badmouth it though, because it was pretty fucking depraved and bloody, and I was quite pleased with that much. The characters were pretty flimsy for how much time they tried to spend building them up, and as such you really don’t care who dies or not. That, I think, was what really ruined it for me, because I like having someone to root for. On the upside, a bunch of kids beat a man’s skull in with a rock at one point, and that was pretty cool. I also watched The Hills Have Eyes, and that was an awesome movie in all respects. More on that one some other day though.

Juiced Up Power Pigs!

I love candy. That should be obvious. I mean, who doesn’t like candy? Squares, that who. And those squares are one day going to make something of themselves unless we stop them while we can. They don’t deserve any better. Damned candy-hating squares. They’re probably the same morons who think animals don’t deserve to be eaten. If animals weren’t meant to be eaten, then they’d be the ones eating us. But you know what, I bet those stupid hippies would probably like that. “If the animals enjoy eating me, then it’s worth being eaten” they’d say. It’s called the food chain, you idiots! That’s just how it works! Are you going to start going after lions and tigers because they eat other animals too? No? Then you’re hypocrites as well as stupid hippies! So ha!

That was quick. Usually it takes me a couple paragraphs to start rambling about something totally different than where I was intending to go. So to get back on topic, I was talking about candy. Yes, delicious candy. While parents all over the world generally discourage mass consumption of the sugary bliss, it’s certainly the high point of the food world. Well, right below pastries anyhow. So what am I talking about candy for? Check this out:

Yes, that’s right. I came here to tell you about pig-shaped candy. To those out of the loop, it may seem a little silly, but the rest of you who’ve eaten these things know exactly where I’m coming from. These things are so good that I couldn’t justify not writing an article about them. Yes. That good. Their shapes may be a little misleading, as they don’t taste at all like bacon (which I refer to as nature’s candy), but that’s probably a good thing. No, these little oinkers are strawberry-flavoured, as it says there on the bag. They also come in three sub-flavours, which I will get to in a bit.

There, that should be a little clearer. Strawberry pigs and awesome ear flavours and what-have-you. Though I didn’t realize that they made this candy before the ear flavours came into the picture. Guess I’ve learned something from this. That makes this my most educational article yet. To top that off, after a little research, I learned that not only did the pigs come in strawberry-only, but there are other “Juiced Up” species such as bulldogs and worms. Astounding!

Ah yes, you should also take notice of the little warning on the side. It’s at a bad angle, but it says “Warning: May contain pig butts,” or as the French call them, “derrières de porc.” I think the French term sounds a little less offensive, and without that offensiveness, the joke isn’t nearly as good. But aside from that, there isn’t a whole lot of interesting on the front of the package.

NOTE: While the package makes claims of “power pigs” this candy has no tie-in with the mediocre SNES platformer “Power Piggs of the Dark Ages.”

Here’s the only part of the back of the package that bears any interest at all, the small corner devoted to the ear flavours. They come in apple, watermelon and orange, but to tell the truth, the ear flavours are almost negligible. You barely notice them at all unless you go right ahead and gnaw off the ears. I wouldn’t really count that as a strike against the candy though, as the strawberry flavour alone is more than enough to win my love. I like that they even went the extra distance to give the little guys names. The only thing more satisfying that eating something that had eyes is eating something that someone cared about enough to name. I’m a monster.

Behold the power pigs in all their sugary glory! Even more impressive than the fact that they all have names is the fact that they’re molded really well. Just look at how close they are to the package art. Sure, the colour is a bit runny, but it varies from pig to pig, and wouldn’t be a big enough issue to detract from the experience. Speaking of which, why else are the piggies so good? For one, they taste like awesome. And let me tell you, awesome tastes pretty good. I’d put them right on up there with the Charleston Chew on the candy scale. There’s also the fact that they have the most perfect consistency ever crafted by man. They’re thick and chewy like a gummi should be, but they don’t stick to your teeth at all. Come to think of it, the consistency is at a level I doubt man could achieve, and these were probably produced by some sort of otherworlders or an elite race of super candymen created by the government that the public has no idea about.

So yeah. That’s that. The basic idea behind this article is that Juiced Up Supercochonnets are the greatest gummis I’ve had the privelige to chew on. You should go out and get a pack right now. Unless you’re a hot chick (preferably with no self-esteem), then I have something even better than candy for you. Just gimme a holler and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

PS: Fortunately (I think?) there were no pig butts present in this particular bag.

Woah, I feel it! I feel the cosmos!

I’d love to get an article up tonight, but I squandered my afternoon, and now I won’t be able to get on the computer where it resides until mucho later. It’ll probably be up tomorrow around noonish, but maybe overnight?

Anyway, did everyone have a sweet Canada Day? I know I sure did. We went out to Lac du Bonnet for a (craptastic) parade, a (a good as you can hope for) fair, and (very good) fireworks. Since we were out there already, we spent the day at the cottage, and there plenty of drinking, shooting, and steak ensued. What more could you hope for? I also managed to snatch a great little item that will be reviewed in a week or two. I won’t say what it is, but I’ll say this: It’s definitely a site staple.

I also need to tell you a little about the aforementioned fireworks. You see, we go out there every single year on Canada Day for the fireworks (only recently have we made the fair a yearly thing), and normally they’re pretty average. This year was darned impressive, if I might say so. And you must realize, I’ve seen all the fireworks spectaculars that Disney World has to offer. So this year they decided that to amp up the excitement, they’d integrate music into the show. It was poorly done, to say the least. Firstly, there was no coordination at all. That’s the whole reason for music. Secondly, the songs seemed to be plucked straight from my personal library. Among the various bands included were Loverboy, Nazareth, Heart, and Styx. It’s all music I love, but it’s not fireworks music. Not in the least. Music issues aside though, it was a great show, and the bar is definitely raised.