I love candy. That should be obvious. I mean, who doesn’t like candy? Squares, that who. And those squares are one day going to make something of themselves unless we stop them while we can. They don’t deserve any better. Damned candy-hating squares. They’re probably the same morons who think animals don’t deserve to be eaten. If animals weren’t meant to be eaten, then they’d be the ones eating
us. But you know what, I bet those stupid hippies would probably like that. “If the animals enjoy eating me, then it’s worth being eaten” they’d say. It’s called the food chain, you idiots! That’s just how it works! Are you going to start going after lions and tigers because they eat other animals too? No? Then you’re hypocrites as well as stupid hippies! So ha!
That was quick. Usually it takes me a couple paragraphs to start rambling about something totally different than where I was intending to go. So to get back on topic, I was talking about candy. Yes, delicious candy. While parents all over the world generally discourage mass consumption of the sugary bliss, it’s certainly the high point of the food world. Well, right below pastries anyhow. So what am I talking about candy for? Check this out:
Yes, that’s right. I came here to tell you about pig-shaped candy. To those out of the loop, it may seem a little silly, but the rest of you who’ve eaten these things know exactly where I’m coming from. These things are so good that I couldn’t justify
not writing an article about them. Yes. That good. Their shapes may be a little misleading, as they don’t taste at all like bacon (which I refer to as nature’s candy), but that’s probably a good thing. No, these little oinkers are strawberry-flavoured, as it says there on the bag. They also come in three sub-flavours, which I will get to in a bit.
There, that should be a little clearer. Strawberry pigs and awesome ear flavours and what-have-you. Though I didn’t realize that they made this candy before the ear flavours came into the picture. Guess I’ve learned something from this. That makes this my most educational article yet. To top that off, after
a little research, I learned that not only did the pigs come in strawberry-only, but there are other “Juiced Up” species such as bulldogs and worms. Astounding!
Ah yes, you should also take notice of the little warning on the side. It’s at a bad angle, but it says “Warning: May contain pig butts,” or as the French call them, “derrières de porc.” I think the French term sounds a little less offensive, and without that offensiveness, the joke isn’t nearly as good. But aside from that, there isn’t a whole lot of interesting on the front of the package.
NOTE: While the package makes claims of “power pigs” this candy has no tie-in with the mediocre SNES platformer “Power Piggs of the Dark Ages.”
Here’s the only part of the back of the package that bears any interest at all, the small corner devoted to the ear flavours. They come in apple, watermelon and orange, but to tell the truth, the ear flavours are almost negligible. You barely notice them at all unless you go right ahead and gnaw off the ears. I wouldn’t really count that as a strike against the candy though, as the strawberry flavour alone is more than enough to win my love. I like that they even went the extra distance to give the little guys names. The only thing more satisfying that eating something that had eyes is eating something that someone cared about enough to name. I’m a monster.
Behold the power pigs in all their sugary glory! Even more impressive than the fact that they all have names is the fact that they’re molded really well. Just look at how close they are to the package art. Sure, the colour is a bit runny, but it varies from pig to pig, and wouldn’t be a big enough issue to detract from the experience. Speaking of which, why else are the piggies so good? For one, they taste like awesome. And let me tell you, awesome tastes pretty good. I’d put them right on up there with the Charleston Chew on the candy scale. There’s also the fact that they have the most perfect consistency ever crafted by man. They’re thick and chewy like a gummi should be, but they don’t stick to your teeth at all. Come to think of it, the consistency is at a level I doubt man could achieve, and these were probably produced by some sort of otherworlders or an elite race of super candymen created by the government that the public has no idea about.
So yeah. That’s that. The basic idea behind this article is that Juiced Up Supercochonnets are the greatest gummis I’ve had the privelige to chew on. You should go out and get a pack right now. Unless you’re a hot chick (preferably with no self-esteem), then I have something even better than candy for you. Just gimme a holler and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
PS: Fortunately (I think?) there were no pig butts present in this particular bag.
