Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children
Ok, before I start this up, if you’re a Final Fantasy 7 fanboy/girl, and refuse to believe that anything relating to the game can be wrong, just stop reading now. If you hate FF7 and are looking for a good bashing of the movie, stop reading now. Finally, if you don’t want spoilers, stop reading for the love of Odin. This review goes over pretty much every little nuance of the story (as weak as it is), so it’s absolutely loaded with spoilers. Anyone else may continue. And if you’re a hot chick, you may E-mail me some naked pictures of yourself.
As the title may have lead you to believe, I’ve now seen the Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children movie. What I have to say about it is pretty much irrelevant to how I feel about it, and the technical stuff here is more or less for me to nitpick and tell anyone who wants to see the movie (and doesn’t mind spoilers) what to expect. So let’s get the show on the road already.
The first thing I’m going to go over is the story. That shouldn’t take very long, since it’s the most bare-bones plot I’ve seen since Super Mario Bros (the game, not the movie). It starts off summing up what happened in FF7, and then goes on to tell you how people have become poisoned or whatnot by some mysterious force. Not long after, we learn that these people (all children, by the way) are sick because they have Jenova’s DNA or whatnot and the world doesn’t like them for it. Then these three dudes appear (with Jenova DNA of their own), bearing a resemblance to Mr. Oh-so-cool himself, Sephiroth. Turns out they’re looking for the remains of Jenova so that they can have a reunion of some kind. Blah blah blah. Cloud and company enter, cloud fights bad guys, Turks appear, say they want to help restore the world, secretly hold remains of Jenova. So stuff goes on, fight scenes happen, and the bad dudes take all the infected kids to a pool, brainwash them, and then attack the city. Leader of bad guys (forgot his name, not looking it up) summons goofy-looking Bahamut, kids become un-brainwashed, Cloud & friends defeat Bahamut. Rufus (Turk leader) reveals Jenova remains, bad guy leader gets them, Cloud chops them, bad guy cries, fight scene, bad guy turns into Sephiroth (Ooh! What a surprise!), more fight scene, Cloud wins, gets shot, come back to life, lame ending.
And that’s it. I should mention that the entire plot is completely obvious after the first ten minutes or so of the movie, so it’s not like you’re going to be surprised at all even if you didn’t read the summary. I mean, nothing at all happened, with the exception of Bahamut, that I didn’t see coming from a mile away. The tale was interesting to watch, but it was more predictable than a clock. But whatever, I’ve never been to worried about how good a plot is anyway. Unless of course, I’m reading a book.
Now while the plot is passable, there are a few things I have to pick out. For one, the brainwashing of the children was totally irrelevant. They did nothing but stand around mindlessly while they were brainwashed, and as far as I remember, the bad dudes never even mentioned using them for anything. But I digress, there are some bigger issues abound. Like Rufus, for example. When he first appears, he’s in a wheelchair, all cloaked as if he’s horribly scarred or whatnot. Later on, he hops off the wheelchair and throws off the cloak, revealing that he looks just as normal as ever. But he’s still got an eye-patch. Any guesses? Yep, it too gets thrown off, and under it is a perfectly good eye! Why? Why? There was no logic behind pretending to be crippled and deformed. Maybe he just wanted to fool everyone. But there was no real reason presented.
And the biggest issue I have with the movie is the entire Bahamut scene. Firstly, the leader of the bad guys takes the Bahamut materia and absorbs it into himself. The game had us believe that materia was clipped onto your armor/weapon or whatnot, and not that you’d absorb the damn thing and create a neon tumor. Then when the big dragon appears, he looks like a total homo, with stupid-looking armor and terribly designed wings. I swear, this incarnation of the King of Dragons does almost as much injustice to him as his FFX representation. And then to top it all off, the good guys start attacking it! Why would you attack a goddamned summon monster? Theoretically, they should just be able to summon it again. but that’s not even the worst of it all. Near the end, Bahamut flies way, way up to the top of a tower, and Cloud has to follow him somehow. Let’s see, what’s the best way to do this? Well the idiots that made this movie decided that each character from the FF7 game should fly in and throw him up a bit more. It’s impossible to describe this pile of shit scene with words, so I drew a diagram. and then, finally, Cloud actually manages to carve this gigantic beast – the most revered summon of like ever – right in two. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And Cloud wasn’t even using any materias. At least, I didn’t see any tumors of colour on him.
That’s pretty much all I found unacceptable there though. Otherwise, it’s only extremely nitpicky, like physically impossible fighting maneuvers and hair that was never meant ot look realistic. And to be fair, it’s time I said what was good about the movie.
Firstly, and most obviously once you’ve seen their first couple scenes, Reno and Rude make great comedy relief. Nearly every scene they’re found in is hilarious or at least will make you smile a little. then there’s the fact that Reno can crawl up walls like Spider-Man, which I found extremely entertaining, especially when Rude tried to climb up with him on one occasion and promptly fell flat on his back. they’re easily the best characters in the movie. I was never too big on any characters from FF7 (with the exceptions of Vincent and Barret), but if these guys played a role in the game at all similar to the one they had in the movie, I can’t believe that I missed it. Another thing that was awesome is Barret’s gun arm. In the flashback at the beginning, the gun was tiny and I made an angry note of that right away, but when he popped in later on, it was huge and shot like fifty bullets at a time. After rereading it, that sentence sounds unnecessarily phallic.
There were some other really cool things going on in the movie, like Cloud’s bike. the sides of the thing fan out, and reveal a rack of swords for him to choose from. And by the end, he’s used and lost all of them. The fight scenes were pretty fun, except for the fact that a few maneuvers that various characters pulled off were just plain impossible. And I’m not talking run-up-a-wall impossible here. I can accept a lot of over-the-top stuff, but they crossed a couple lines here. Other than that, though, lots of swordfighting and a cool fistfight with Tifa and one of the bad guys.
I’m sure there was a lot else that I both liked and disliked about the flick, but I can’t think of ’em at the moment, so I’m gonna wrap this baby up. Like I said before, everything I mentioned was for the sake of the review. None of it really impacts my final judgement. All things good and bad aside, I will say that this movie was a success on the grounds that I was entertained. That’s really all it takes for me to give something a good review these days. As long as I find a movie/game/song/what-have-you entertaining, chances are that I’m gonna end up giving it a positive rating. So the FF7 movie, although a lot of things about it made me angry, gets a solid A-. Somewhere between 85 and 90 on the percent scale. If I’d seen it in a theater, I wouldn’t ask for my $10 back. I would watch it again, but I surely wouldn’t buy it. It was much better than I’d anticipated (I expected very little. Video game movies are always the suck), but it wasn’t perfect. I’ll recommend it, just don’t tell me that it’s the best movie ever (not even in the top 50). I know it’ll be way overrated, because the game was, and those sheep that are Square fans (I personally like Enix a lot) will fall in love with anything that has Cloud or Sephiroth on it. Example: Ehrgeiz. That was one of the worst fighting games I’ve ever had the misery of playing, yet many loved it for its FF7 tie-ins. But now I’m way off-topic. Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children is worth your time. Go watch it. Just don’t ask me to talk about it any more.
The Good Stuff: |
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The Bad Stuff: |
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WTFWTFWTFWTFWTF….
Words fail me. Serously, I’m not gonna touch this one with a ten-foot pole (I’ll use it, but I’m not going to get into what I think of it). Details.
Socially disturbed
Man, sitting around the University all day is boring. There’s a three-hour gap between my classes from Tuesday to Thrusday and I’ve got nothing to do, or at least no secluded place to do it. It’s stupid to think I could find such a haven, but I really hate people. Just their existence pisses me off. If there were a room where I could set up shop and study or whatnot during the off-time, and not have to worry about passersby or door-knockers (which nullifies my washroom strategy), that would be great. But no such room exists. So I have to sit around in the computer lab all day, in the presence of putrid humans. Nowhere else is any better, but at least I have internet access there. And the best thing is the complete lack of internet blocking software. It would surely be frowned upon, and I never would, but I could potentially look up porn should I feel the need. So all my complaining aside, no real news today. But the first comic at Coozy For Hire should be up tonight. If not, we’ve got some filler. Mmm filler. So I’ve got to go off to class now. Maybe I’ll use all this spare time I have to increase article production. You’d like that, now wouldn’t you?
It’s coming right for us!
Just some minor changes to the ol’ site today. Fixed up the banner so it’s less than half the size it originally was. If you check it out, it still says GIF, but I assure you, it’s a PNG dressed up as a GIF so that I didn’t have to change each and every page from GIF to PNG. That would have been tee-dee-ous. I also went over the second Art Gallery, and fixed it up so that all the bandwidth-devouring BMP file have been converted into more friendly PNG files. On another note, Audioscrobbler has been renamed to Last.FM, so I got that changed up (on the main page only).
In other news, I posted my bio on the BBS for one of my classes, so if anyone visits that, they’ll probably click the link I provided for the site. So I might have a spike in hits. Just thought I’d mention it. And while I’m on the subject, university is pretty cool, just (as dumb as it sounds) too many people. I can’t find anywhere nice and secluded to read/draw/video games/what-have-you. Then again, I haven’t explored the entire campus, so there is still hope. A hope that’s too far away from my classes to be worthwile, but hope no less.
I’ve been working on a new pseudo-article, and it’s such a thing that it might get updated every so often, unlike the current offerings, which have become pretty much stagnant. Be ready for that around the end of the month.
Finally, I got The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction (you may have heard me rant about how cool it was going to be), and I love it to pieces. It’s similar to GTA(X), but doesn’t get boring after an hour. Expect articleization sometime in the near future.
Oh, and Coozy For Hire should be getting off the ground any day now. Stay tuned for more.
Toons and stuff
I don’t know if you checked it out already, but VG Cats Scott posted a really sweet link a couple days back. It seems that Yahoo’s got some dealie where you can watch old cartoons on the site. The important news: The Super Mario Bros. Super Show. In all of it’s original glory. And it gets even better, they’ve got a bunch of other great toons like The Legend of Zelda, Inspector Gadget, and Mummies Alive! to boost the awesomeness of the thing. The rest is pretty much crap, and it would benefit from some other awesome shows like Captain N and Samurai Pizza Cats, but hey, you take what you can get. Actually, there are a lot more shows I’d love to see again, if only to see how bad they are and forget about them (I watched Captain Planet the other day and I wish I hadn’t). Anyhow, check it out.
Band of the Month – September 2005
Boom. Check this, kids. This month’s band is another one of those foreign ones. Also, they’re another one of those bands that nobody’s heard of, and I only came across because they were featured in a video game. And to top it all off, they play a style of music I almost never talk about, but absolutey love to listen to. Today, we pay tribute to the Asianest surf gutar band this side of anywhere: the Surf Coasters.
Yeah, they’re this Japanese surf band that absolutely rocks. Well, that’s maybe saying a bit much. You see, I’ve only really heard about a total of seven or so songs from them, but trust em on this one, they’re good. I originally heard of ’em when I found out they were headlingin the soundtrack to Musashi: Samurai Legend. Turns out they were just doing the main theme, but any publicity is good publicity, right? After I sampled the sweet tune known as “Samurai Struck”, I myself was quite struck and immediately went on a search for more. Sadly, music by the Surf Coasters is harder to come by on the internet than a website without ads. It’s out there somewhere, but you’re going to spend a lot of time and effort looking for it.
So here’s something new to learn about me: I love surf music. Not a big fan of the sport so much, but nothing can even compare to the wail of a surf guitar. And you all know what I’m talking about, whether you think you do or not. The Surf Coasters (just like any other surf band worth it’s salt) has covered “Misirlou”, and you know “Misirlou”. Think Pulp Fiction. If nothing else, it’s the easiest SC song to find, so go check that out. You’ll recognize it immediately. The only surf song more well known is Wipeout, but that’s like the definition of surf music. Anyhow, Surf Coasters rock.
The “Misirlou” is great, but at least some of their other stuff shines too, like “Shark Attack” and “Kuroshiro”, or even the mellowed-out “Adventures in Paradise”. I really haven’t heard many songs other than the ones I mentioned, and I’m not about to make a complete list, but it’s all been good. I’d say more, but I’m not sure what to say, and I’m pretty much satisfied with giving a more obscure band a turn in the spotlight. So yeah, go download some tunes by the Surf Coasters, if for no other reason than to help me in my search for more. I’d import, but it’s damned expensive.
Also, good news for me! Planet Megaman is finally back after being down for like the whole summer. (EDIT – Or not so much…) You probably don’t give much of a damn, but it was an important part of my “daily rounds”. And on a completely different note, I go back to school in three and a half hours. After 14 months of not-learning, my brain has gotten used to being used as little as possible, so we’ll see how this goes.
I’m bored. Here’s links
Heys there. I’ll be having a new article up by the end of the day, but not now. Check back every couple hours or so. For now, here’s them links the title promised.
Excellent new Homestar Runner cartoon
Just read the first mail. Then say it with me: DOUCHEBAG!
Huge Wikipedia entry on the worst the internet has to offer.
Robosapien V2 sounds really sweet. I want one.
This is about on par with Scientology for being bullshit.
ADDENDUM(6:58PM) – The all-powerful Super Article is now up. Though I should warn you, I may be over-hyping it… Also, I stepped on a bigass staple and can no longer walk painlessly.
The Super Article – Triple Surprise Bags!
It’s here, everyone! The “Super-Article” I’ve been teasing you about is finally upon us! And it’s not so super after all! Ha ha! You’ve all been duped and I am a genius. Hey, why don’t we just forget about all my attempted hype and get to the article. Yeah, it’s about surprise bags. You all love them, so here’s a really big article about them with big pictures, some package scans, and even a video. This is gonna be the best article ever!
The surprise bags are getting to be sort of a mainstay on the ol’ site, and I’m thinking that they’re gonna be sticking around for quite some time to come. I mean, they’re easy to review, and there’s always a cornucopia of interesting stuff inside ’em. Movies are tougher to review (at least for me) and video games usually end up being way too similar to one another, so surprise bags are a good alternative.
The only problem is reviewing the same kind of surprise bag. See, the first time you do one, you’ve got the bag and stuff to review as well as the contents, but the second time, you’ve gotta skip the bag or paraphrase what you said last time. Course, you could always think up new stuff to say, but that’s aside from my point. It’s time to bust out a new type of surprise bag. We’ve seen the legendary Nintendo Surprise and Dick Turtle has spawned two articles, now you will tremble in fear as I introduce the Surprise Sac Bag!!
Well, this one’s got a clown on it. Not quite as cool as Nintendo characters, and not nearly as inconsistent as Dick Turtle, but he certainly fits the bill. I think. I mean, clowns are known for entertaining kids, and the bag is for kids and stuff. So it works out. It also makes sure we know that the bag contains toys and candy by having it printed on the bag a thousand times. There are even a several spinning tops pictured on the bag, so I’m hoping that I get me a spinnin’ top. I love them tops. But I don’t love TopMan. Particularly TopMan.EXE. Stupid old geezer.
The back of the bag is just as eventless as the front, and maybe even a bit less entertaining. Among the few bits of information we can glean from the back, we noticed that this particular line of surprise bags is produced in Quebec. Later on, you’ll find that the origin of the contents of the bag might be a little more… overseas. Anywho, the back also sports ingredient lists (which would help show that the edible contents are standardized) and a Nutrition Facts box. There is no nutrition in candy, so it’s really just showing how much sugar is in the stuff. Yeah. Asinine, I know. But it’s standard protocol, I guess.
But enough of that crap. There’s nothing on the back to talk about. So let’s see what’s inside this baby.
If you have any idea whatsoever of what this doodad might be, I urge you to send me any information you might have. Not knowing what this thing is will plague me until the end of time! I request your aid for the greater good! Or something like that. Until then, I’ll just go around sporting a bulbous hunk of plastic on my finger in hopes that some passerby will be able to identify it for me.
To summarize, the Gestitos are pretty good. I ate an orange one. I didn’t even open the others to see if there are different flavours. Why? Well, there’s a chance that these are infected with many different diseases, what with coming from a Spanish country and all (Would you consider that racist?), and I’m only taking as much for the team as I have to so that I can file a decent report, not even a tiny bit more. That means I’m only going to ingest one piece of any types of candy that are contained within the confines of a surprise bag. Except Nintendo surprise. Nintendo doesn’t have a reputation for spreading foodborne illnesses. Yet.
The Entei disc-thing is a little curious not only in it’s numerical error, but also because while it touts that it was made in the U.S.A. I have a really hard time believing that claim. Do you want to know why? Well, I’ll tell you a bit later once we get some more evidence rounded up. As they say, “gotta catch ’em all”. It makes sense in my head.
And so concludes this surprise bag. Ah, but wait, I promised a Super Article with bigger pictures, scans, and a video? Well I most certainly delivered on the bigger pictures bit, and did a half-assed job of scanning stuff, but I guess you caught me on the video bit. You could have also gotten me by noting that the length is hardly even fit for a sidekick, nevermind a full-fledged Super Article. Well, if you think it’s really over, I’ve got a surprise for you. That is, if you didn’t already just scroll through the whole page looking at the pictures. You cheater. I oughta have you banned. But nay, you shall get what I deserve, and have to read about…
So I noticed something interesting on the back of the packages. Check this out.
The second Sac Bag didn’t yield any more spinning top than the first, so I’m putting all my chips on lucky number three. Or third time’s a charm. What?
Yeah, not too much new in this bag, so it’s gonna seem like familiar territory for at least a while. Just keep your limbs and head in the vehicle at all times and try not to vomit on your seating partner.
For the sake of good fake journalism, I’m gonna bite the bullet here. After five minutes of trying to separate the wrapper from the gum, I was horrified to find that it was already well moistened. Light was literally gleaning off the wet bits, and I was totally not prepared to put it into my mouth. Hell, touching it scared me enough. But every good captain goes down with his ship, and while that has no relevance to this situation, it’s an honourable gesture. So the gum was gross. At first it tasted like normal, but then it grew more and more vomit-inducing. Here’s a tip. If you ever come across Cuadri Gum, take it to the nearest church, have it exorcised, and then shoot it repeatedly with a bazooka. I swear that this stuff was not made in Mexico, but in Hell itself.
According to the package there, you can look for 60 designs! ¡Colecciònalos! It also describes that it should contain one normal tatuaje, one holographic tatuaje, and a dulce. Whatever a dulce is. Sorry, my Spanish is a bit rusty. Upon closer translation, a dulce is a candy. Unfortunately, this package of things did not contain a candy. I’m thinking there are two possibilities. Firstly, the candy could have fallen out and gotten mixed with the rest of the Surprise Sac Bag stuff (I’m thinking the caramelo). That’s not likely at all though, so I came up with the second possibility: it never contained a dulce at all! Bastardos! Hey… Upon closer inspection, the Sac Bag package itself shows that dulce is Spanish for candy. Damn, missed that easy one.
I bet you wanna see the tattoos, don’t you? No, you really don’t. Trust me.
Yep. that’s the end of it all. You’ve seen all of the crap I promised, my friends. I gave you bigger pictures, package scans, and a video, even if it was the worst video ever recorded. Plus it’s a decently long article to boot, so as long as you weren’t expecting entertainment, you don’t have anything to complain about. It wasn’t very super, no, but that was all part of my plan to piss you off. Now if only I really had hyped it up. I mean, a single graphic isn’t quite enough to build up a good hype for something. Especially when it’s likely to be a video game review.
That actually wasn’t so bad. I was thinking that maybe I would explode before I was finished with this one. Which is too bad… I wanted to explode… There’s nothing more to say really. Nothing more than to tell you to go out and buy surprise bags! If nothing else, you can throw the things you find inside at people or just make fun of Mexicans for producing such shoddy products. I mean geez, those tatuajes could be a lot higher quality than they are. And the Magi-Ojitos are kinda crap too. But whatever. I like the lion, he’s got a place on my dresser. I’ve got nothing else. End.
Return of the Steve
After what seems like forever, Steve is back with a new article. I didn’t really spellcheck this one, so prepare for typos. I didn’t even really read it yet. I have too much Advance Wars to play through. Oddly enough, that’s kinda relevant… Anyway, enjoy.