Hey look a food post

I’ve been eating these Clif bars lately, in an attempt to improve my snacking habits by buying organic (or in this case, 70% organic) snacks. I don’t know if that actually means this junk is healthier, but at least I can tell myself I’m doing something good for my body. I also use the term “snack” very loosely, as a Clif bar is quite often my entire lunch on a work day.

Pictured beside this text is the Peanut Butter Crunch variety of Clif bar, and it is awful. It tastes nothing like peanut butter, and has more of a crisp to it than an actual crunch. Just a big disappointment on every front. In fact, it’s pretty much just gross. I hate it and am never buying these again.

The Chocolate Chip bar, though? Delectable. Those, I think, are going to be the gold standard for other Clif bars to measure up to. Though they’ll probably be the only ones I buy anyway, because they and the PB flavour are the only ones I see in boxes. I’ll be damned if I’m going to start buying these friggin’ things individually.

I think that next time I’m going to try Larabar, though. Those “food made from food” commercials have gotten to me and I’m willing to give ’em a go at least once.

Wot Ryan Thinks: Nintendo Switch

So! A whole long weekend devoted mostly to my shiny new Nintendo Swtich. I did some other things that did not involve Switch, but those are… less noteworthy. As such, I will now yammer endlessly about how much I like my new games machine.

That’s actually point number one: it’s just a games machine. Like, it doesn’t do anything else. I’m sure that in time it will get an internet browser, but it’s literally just for games now. And I’m generally okay with that. I have seventeen million other machines that do internet. I won’t lie that I briefly found myself wishing that it had a Netflix app. But then I remembered that I could just hit a  button on my TV remote to bring up Netflix, and all without interrupting my game. So maybe it’s actually for the best? I don’t know. It’s fine for me personally, but I’m sure that in this day and age, most people would question a piece of technology that only does one thing.

Actually, you can take screenshots and share them to Facebook and/or Twitter. So that’s something. But Miiverse is dead and it seems like you can’t capture video so… what’s the point?

Now, hardware. I don’t know jack about the guts of Switch, or any other computer machine, for that matter. And that’s mostly because I don’t really care. As long as it plays Zelda, I couldn’t care less how many megaflops and jiggabytes it does. What does matter, is that oh my land, that screen looks nice. Being accustomed to the 3DS and Wii U gamepad’s less than ideal screens, the Switch’s screen is a revelation. It’s so sharp and vibrant! Like having a tiny version of my television right in my hands! Sure, my phone has a fairly nice screen, too, but it’s a well-known fact that all phone games are trash.

My favourite thing about Switch though, are the Joy-Cons. I’m still not crazy about the name, but I love the little things. At first touch, I thought they would be unwieldy and cause the worst thumb cramps, but it became apparent after about an hour that Joy-Cons are the video game controller future that I want to live in. I always loved the arm freedom that the Wii remote and nunchuk allowed, and as the Joy-Cons aren’t tethered together, that vision has finally reached its true form. The fact of the matter is that I don’t love Joy-Cons because of their design or buttons or whatever. I love them because I can move my arms independently and freely as I play. I can sit however I feel comfortable, and place my arms wherever I like. It’s perfect! The only downside is that there isn’t a d-pad, which is a pretty huge bummer, as someone who really likes 2D games.

Oh, and also a spare set of Joy-Cons costs a whopping $100 Canadian dollars. YIKES.

The Joy-Cons also work much better than expected in sideways mode. I didn’t believe that they would feel right at all when held that way, but a couple hours of Snipperclips helped to win me over. I’m still not sold that they’ll be great for action games, but for slower-paced little games like that, they’re A-Okay.

So you may have heard that Switch is portable and stuff. Mine is probably going to sit in the dock 98% of the time, but it’s nice to know that if the need arises, I can just pick it up and take it to the toilet with me. I also bought a travel case for the odd time I might take it to work for lunchtime play, but at least for now, my 3DS will remain my portable system. I took Switch on a car ride, which is not advisable if you’re playing a motion-controlled game, because the car’s movement will affect the accelerometers or whatever. Made solving a motion puzzle in Breath of the Wild way harder than it should have been.

Overall, I guess the Switch hardware is cool. While I’m not intending to bring it too many places, I love that it’s got two controllers built in, so that you can get a little multiplayer going anywhere at anytime. Also I really like those controllers. What it really boils down to, if I’m being honest, is that it’s the new Nintendo machine, and I’m always going to buy the new Nintendo machine.

And now the important question: what about the games? I’ve played four of the dozen-or-so launch games, and obviously I’ve put most of my time into Zelda. That’s a huge, wonderful game, and it deserves its own write-up. So let’s briefly look at the other three.

Snipperclips, which I already mentioned, is in my opinion the best launch game to sell the Switch’s unique capabilities. You can play this at home by yourself, but it’s best played with a friend or three, so get ready to bust out those sideways Joy-Cons! This is a cute little puzzle game where every player controls a little paper character, and you have to cut each other up into shapes that can be used to solve a variety of different puzzles. Maybe you have to fit all the characters into an outline, or maybe you simply have to dunk a basketball. One puzzle that my group found particularly taxing had us slowly rolling an egg up a staircase of cutouts that changed as our characters were clipped. It’s tough to describe, but it was one heck of a trial.

1-2-Switch is Nintendo’s big proof-of-concept game for the Joy-Cons, and I really didn’t expect much from it. Then I played it, and had an absolute blast. There are quite a few mini-games on here, and we didn’t play them all, but it seems to be about a 30/70 split between stinkers and good ones. I was surprised that one of my favourite games ended up being “Runway,” in which you strut around and pose like a fashion model. I found it strange that the room’s preferred game was “Eating Contest” because only one person can play at a time, but it was a lot of fun to try to reach for the top score. While it’s a lot of fun and I’m typically of the mind that games have value, I still think that the asking price of $65 Canadabux is a lot for this one.

And lastly, we have my second-most anticipated Switch game, FAST RMX. A high-speed racing game that essentially fills the hole in my heart where F-Zero used to be. Basically no-frills racing, where the only gimmicks are a boost gauge, and the ability to switch colours to take advantage of boosts and jumps on the tracks. So there’s a little bit of strategy involved beyond simply “go real fast.” It seems to be generally the same as Wii U’s FAST Racing NEO, but with more tracks and vehicles. I guess maybe it looks a little better? It’s hard to tell when everything is moving so quickly. Anyway, this proves a great opportunity, because now that I can bring it everywhere and always have two controllers on hand, maybe now I’ll finally be able to get someone to play with me. I mean, there’s online play, but local multiplayer is always more fun.

I also bought Shovel Knight again, which is a little frivolous, but it does have a few extra bells and whistles to justify yet another purchase. Firstly, the new Spectre of Torment campaign won’t be available on any other systems for a month or so, so the early access is nice. There’s also new amiibo functionality in the “Fairy of Shovelry” which doesn’t actually seem to do much besides being adorable and hilarious. And let’s be honest here, I’ll keep buying Shovel Knight forever. It’s my favourite game, why not?

In conclusion, I’m pleased as punch with Switch. So far, it’s mostly just been for Zelda, so in theory I could have just bought the Wii U version of Breath of the Wild and called it a day. But there won’t be a Wii U version of Xenoblade Chronicles 2 or Splatoon 2 or Super Mario Odyssey or Runner 3 (Holy spit! Runner 3! YESSS!). Plus, I’m very curious about the Switch-exclusive multiplayer version of Stardew Valley. They haven’t said a lick about what that even means yet, but I’m certainly excited about it. It’ll be interesting to see how this all rolls out. Word of mouth has been very good for Switch so far, but only time will tell. There is a very solid lineup of games for 2017 already, so hopefully that momentum keeps up and people continue to appreciate the machine. I doubt it could end up any worse than the Wii U, at least.

Merry Switchmas!

It’s finally here! The most exciting quinquennial (give or take) occasion: The launch of a new Nintendo Games Machine! Happy Switch Day, everyone!

Betcha didn’t know that word. Quinquennial.

This post was written in advance, because quite frankly I’m going to be upset about and try to avoid having to do anything that’s not Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the next few weeks. Expect few posts in the coming weeks, but maybe some vague impressions on the Switch and/or Zelda over the weekend. Maybe.

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up – February 2017

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to do these introductory blurbs for the Monthend posts. I guess they’re more traditional than anything at this point.

Anyway, thank Zeus that February is finally over. Two more days to Switch!

~ Game Over ~

Resident Evil 7: Biohazard (PS4) – This may be my new jam. Like back in the day when I got really into Silent Hill and then Resident Evil DS, and beat them like a hundred times each. That’s what’s happening here. I’ve beaten it three times now. Currently working on hard mode and DLC.

Drakengard 3 (PS3) – Cleared branches A, B, and C. Played some of the DLC chapters, and got stuck on the intensely hard final boss of branch D.

Citadale (WiiU) – A slightly above-par Castlevania clone that is packed with just enough little annoyances that it comes out looking shoddier than it should. I intend to review it in full.

The Perplexing Orb (WiiU) – Booted it up because I thought it would be good for this article, but then I ended up really enjoying it. Kind of a cheap Monkey Ball wannabe.

Ninja Senki DX (PS4) – Free PS+ game. Lured me in by looking like a Game Boy Color game, but I only got to level 4 before I said “Eff it, I hate this” and deleted it.

Continue reading Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up – February 2017

Six terrible Wii U eShop games!

The Wii U is dead and I’m the only person who liked it.

Okay, maybe not the only person, but some days it sure feels like it. Wii U lived a short and underwhelming life, but it was home to some of the best games that I’ve ever played. Super Mario Maker, Splatoon, Yoshi’s Woolly World, Xenoblade Chronicles X, et cetera, et cetera. It’s also host to some absolute stinkers. Games so bad that no person should ever have to suffer their existence.

Fortunately, these games are squirreled away in the depths of the eShop, where they can be forgotten and die without harming too many with their terribleness. It’s very much opposite the Wii, where there were rows and rows of awful shovelware populating store shelves, tricking naïve parents into buying the absolute worst games for their kids.

As a bit of a last hurrah before the Switch’s launch in a few days, here is a short list of six Wii U eShop games that nobody should ever play. Not that you would. Because you don’t own a Wii U. Jerk.

So why did I buy them, you ask? Either because I thought they may have some legitimate merit to them, or they were on sale for a dollar (give or take) and I figured they’d be good for a laugh. Your job is to figure out which is which!

Continue reading Six terrible Wii U eShop games!

Clever post title

One week left, baby! I’m losing my dang mind!

I’ve got next Friday off and I’m going for the midnight launch and HNNNNGGGG it’s gonna be so good. The next six days are going to feel so long (except for Saturday and Sunday).

I can’t wait to play Zelda: Breath of the Wild for three days straight. And then forget to go to work on Monday because Zelda.

Really wish I didn’t have to wait so long for Splatoon 2, though.

*Addendum: Just learned that there isn’t actually going to be a midnight launch. Rats.

 

Two halves for the price of one

I just realized that I never did my weekend movie review for this week! This is what happens when you give me a Monday off!

First, I watched The Darkness. It was a pretty bad Poltergeist rip-off with Kevin Bacon. I mean, I don’t think it was intentionally trying to be like Poltergeist, but all the story beats fell somewhere between “suspiciously similar” and “bang on.” I guess the big difference is that it tried to touch on each individual family member’s personal issue(s). The most disturbing of the bunch was the teenage daughter, who was suffering from bulimia. Alone, that’s not so bad. I’ve dealt with bulimia IRL before. What took it to the next level was that she was barfing into containers and keeping them all under her bed. Bleeeecch.

I was so disappointed with The Darkness that I also went ahead and watched The Great Muppet Caper immediately afterward. Which was much better! The songs were fun, the gags were hilarious, and the fourth wall was thoroughly destroyed. I quite enjoyed -and was somewhat shocked by- how far they cranked up Gonzo’s “daredevil” personality, which was to the point where every second line was him fetishizing pain in some way or another. If I had one gripe, it’s that Miss Piggy’s synchronized swimming scene/song seemed to drag on for way longer than it needed to. Otherwise, a stellar follow-up to The Muppet Movie. Bravo, Jim Henson! Bravo!

And that’s it for this week’s rushed and generally thoughtless movie reviews. Until next time!

The First Skunk Bundle

I don’t know if I’ve ever really gotten into it here, but I am endlessly fascinated by bad video games. I like bad movies, too, but terrible video games are even more delicious. And they’ve got to be real bad. If a game is just mediocre, that’s boring and no fun to dissect. But when you have a game that is consistently making you wonder what the heck the developers were thinking, that’s the real good stuff.

To put it simply, the more of a “complete garbage fire” a game is, the better.

And that’s where The First Skunk Bundle comes in. A $25 eShop game that for some reason went on sale for free a while back, this is a pack of five games that range in quality from passable to, well, complete garbage fire. Let’s have a look-see and break down the contents.

No, wait. First, I feel obliged to mention that the music on the game select screen is a piss-poor piano rendition of Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)”. So poor, in fact, that I thought that it was a piss-poor rendition of the Friends theme at first. In retrospect, they do have seem to have a similar melody. Maybe? Am I crazy?

Continue reading The First Skunk Bundle