Mass Affected

Okay, Okay, I know I missed a day. But this post totally counts for yesterday, becuase it’s mostly about why I didn’t manage to make a post in those 24 hours. Other reasons are that I only got off work at 11:10 and had to do some shopping immediately afterward. So I wouldn’t have made it in time anyway. Ha.

So it seems people just won’t shup up about Mass Effect. Before the game came out it was all hype, and now that it’s released it’s mostly nitpicking and disappointment. But me, I never cared about it at all. Until yesterday, when I stayed up playing until 7:00 AM. Yeah. The Tall One really wanted to rent it, despite “not having time for an RPG”. I think he just didn’t want to commit to Eternal Sonata. But anyhow, Mass Effect.

So he played it for a week and whatnot, and I picked it up for an hour on Tuesday, got frustrated with the shitty combat, and didn’t even finish the introductory mission. But damned if I’m going to have a game sitting there with zero achievements! So I picked it up late Thursday night and hunkered down, finally sort of getting the hang of ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive. And then the game became fun! Once the lame intro mission is over, you’re pretty much handed the world galaxy on a silver platter, and it’s yours to do with as you please. Sure, you’ve gotta tie up some stuff before the space travel starts, but the Citadel is so big and full of things to do that a sequence of events that should only take about half an hour lasted me well into six. It’s so wonderful!

And it only gets better once you can fly about the galaxy on a whim. It’s a little intimidating at first, seeing as you’ve got a ton of destinations to choose from, but once you realize that you can only land on about a third of the planets you’ll see, the overwhelming “where the fuck do I start!?” feeling starts to dissipate. The open-endedness of the game is really nice, and the fact that it’s really just a well-disguised collect-a-thon bodes well for my opinion.

As I stated before though, the combat is pretty terrible. The aiming is clunky, and the game doesn’t tell you half of what you can do. I didn’t even realize there was a melee attack until my brother pointed out that it’s one of the best ways to deal with close-quarters combat. And then there’s the ally characters. Basically all they do is stand in front of you, absorbing all your fire. Yes, they act as nice meat shields for a little while, but if they would just get out of my way, I could spare them the pains of death by actually dealing with our foes! Oh well. Most of the other combat-related issues get better as weapon skills increase, so I’ll just skip those minor inconveniences.

Other thoughts? Not much. Most of the achievements are nice and easy to earn, but require quite a bit of time. Sadly, I picked the game up only a day before it was due back, so we’ll have to rent it again, but I’m almost ready to consider buying it. I don’t know how gung-ho I would be about multiple playthroughs, but considering that I went from not liking it at all to playing it all night long two days in a row, I’d say it’s probably worth splitting with the brother unit. I still really want Eternal Sonata though. I seem to have an affinity for games with charcters named after musical terminology.

Children of the by-products

I’m a huge fan of horror movies. I think most are aware of this fact. The thing is, I missed a lot because my search for classics rarely ever took me any farther back than the late 70’s. As of late though, I’ve been really into the really old stuff, as I mentioned quite recently. Since any moives, nevermind horror, that are that old are hard to come across, I have a tendency to pick up anything I find that looks like it may have come before Jason and Freddy arrived on the scene.

And that beings us to the It’s Alive trilogy. conveniently sold in a three-pack. It was only $12 at Wal-Mart too, so how could I say no? Matt had actually mentioned on his blog that he’d bought the first movie that day, and I thought it was more than coincidence for me to see the entire trilogy sitting there for what amounts to little more than pocket change.

The thing about movies though, is that I buy them by the armfuls, and then never feel like commiting the twoish hours to sit down and watch them. I did watch all three It’s alive movies though, it took about a month, but by gum I did it! Didn’t even sleep thorugh any! The great part is that they’re actually pretty good!

The basic plot of the first movie is that a guy and his wife give birth to this freak baby, who immediately slaughters everyone in the delivery room, and then escapes and goes on a bloody rampage. You wouldn’t know it, but it ends up being social commentary and haing a moral message of sorts. The second and thrid movies take the overall story and themes and expand on them, causing a little less bloodshed each time, but remaining interesting and (to some degree) meaningful.

The nice thing about these movies is that they very rarely give you good glimpses of the creatures. I mean, the first one was made in 1974, and puppetry wasn’t quite up to standards at the time, but I like that way of doing things. It gives you a chance to imagine on your own what the little buggers look like, and in that respect, I’m a little disappointed that with each sequel, the creatures get more and more screentime.

When all’s said and done, I quite enjoiyed the It’s Alive trilogy. Some would likely debate that they go down in quality as they progress, but I think they keep up appearances long enough to make it through all three movies. Had there been a fourth movie, that probably would have been pushing it, but three is the charm here. For the price, this trilogy set is absolutely recommended, if only for the groan-inducing interior decorating in the fisrt and second movies. Oh, the early seventies, how tacky you were!

Mediocrity defined

I mentioned in my most recent article that I’d like to see Secret of Evermore on the Virtual Console sometime in the near future, but the chances of that happening are pretty slim. The main fact of the matter is that it didn’t go over too well. It’s funny, because people both like it and dislike it at the same time. For the amount of venom people lay on it, they’ll just as fast turn around and say it’s not as bad as others say. Kind of a weird situation. The sad thing about it all is that it’s the first step towards the downfall of the Mana series, even though it’s not actually a legitimate entry into the series.

Secret of Mana made the series popular, and gamers everywhere seem to agree that the Japan-only sequel Seiken Densetsu 3 is pretty spectacular too, but after that things got sidetracked into badness. Legend of Mana was full of unnecessary crap, Sword of Mana is a lackluster remake of the first Seiken Densetsu, and Dawn of Mana is just crammed with bad ideas. Even Children of Mana, while fun to a point, was a meh-tastic dungeon crawler. Heroes of Mana, on the other hand, seemed at first like a sort of retribution of the Mana name. Before it was released it had a lot of promise surrounding it, and God knows I was actually excited about it.

Ideally, RTS games should be great on the DS. The screen may be a bit smaller than the computer monitors that RTS players are used to, but the interface sure works a lot better than controllers do. Heroes of Mana isn’t the first RTS game on the DS, but it’s the only one so far that’s grabbed my attention. As great as it should be, it’s merely okay. Though declaring a Mana game “okay” is actually a compliment to the series these days.

Blah blah blah, Heroes is your basic RTS game. You’ve got different units, collecting resources, building structures, and killing armies. The best thing is that you’re commanding the totally lovable Mana series monsters! Isn’t that wonderful? No, not really. After the ideas behind it, the game lacks a lot of other things. The first issue is the main characters. You’ve got six initial leader characters, and they’re all pretty dull. Even the ones that join up later on don’t have much depth to them. While it’s essentially a prequel to Seiken Densetsu 3, the only interesting thing about the story and its characters is that they offer a bit of background on Seiken 3. Otherwise, it’s almost painfully boring and clichéd. Not to say that it’s really bad, but it certainly won’t motivate you to play.

Controlling the leaders in battle is a pain too. Actually, controlling everything in battle is a pain. Units are very slow, and they’re incredibly dumb. If you’re moving more than one unit at a time, they will scatter all over the place, because their paths seemingly cannot cross any of the same panels, and on the off chance that they do, the two units will start weaving back and forth like when you’re walking towards someone and you both juke the same way, and then you move the other way, and it goes on forever until someone just stops so the other person can go around. Only the units in the game don’t figure it out so easily. Combat is exactly the same way, because you’ll have the enemy targeted and the enemy will have you targeted, and the two units will dance in a circle forever, because neither one will be smart enough to stop and wait for an opportunity to attack. Such is the issue with making the game grid-based.

Using magic is almost as bad, because your most useful characters just get weapon enchantment spells, which can only be cast while the character is standing still or walking. Most of the time, when you want to use the spells, your character will be in the midst of a battle, and you’ll have to try to stop him from attacking for a second so you can tap the “enchant” button. The basic idea of the last two paragraphs is that controlling units is a pain in the ass, mostly due to the fact that whoever programmed the AI was feeling like a dick that day.

Gameplay aside, the game isn’t horrible. Using iconic Mana series monsters to destroy your enemies is a joy in itself, and controlling the rest of the game works really well. It’s entirely controlled by the touch screen, with buttons being restricted solely to camera movement and rotation, and it works out quite nicely that way. If you want to select multiple units, you can make whatever shape you need around them, instead of being limited to a square like in most RTS games. There are even shortcut buttons to select unit types or single specific units. All your structures are built within your ship/base, which moves. Hence, if your base is under attack, you can simply fly it to a safer location. This isn’t an issue early on, but it does become a necessary strategy once the enemies start piling it on. There are a wide variety of units to choose from too, but they are unlocked very slowly as the game progresses. I don’t think you even have access to all the different unit classes by the tenth mission, but maybe that’s just because it’s a really long game. I’m not sure, I haven’t gotten very much farther than that yet.

The music in Heroes of Mana is, like in all Mana games, quite good. Not as epically memorable as the soundtrack to Secret of Mana, but lovable no less. It’s all done by Yoko Shimomura, who did the music for Kingdom Hearts, so that’s to be expected. She’s a wonderful composer in every respect, and I’ve loved all of her work that I’ve listened to so far. Graphics are also pretty standard for the Mana series, featuring colorful hand-drawn sprites. The character portraits look pretty nice too, and give the characters far more depth than their personalities do. Even the various interfaces look really nice and sophisticated, which is notable because I usually don’t care much for the appearance of menus and whatnot. Let it be known that Heroes of Mana’s presentation is by far it’s greatest strength.

Heroes also offers some level of multiplayer functionality. There is a basic two-player battle mode, but the interesting thing is the Wi-Fi mode. Ironically enough, I’ve completely ignored this mode. It’s got something to do with joining a clan and getting a high ranking to unlock something or other, but I couldn’t be arsed enough to figure it out back when I was still actively playing the game, and I’m not going to try to understand it now that I’ve left it to the wayside in lieu of better games.

Overall, it’s really not that bad a game. I may have overemphasized the AI’s lack of said “I”, but there are some issues. It’s not the return to glory that we Mana fans were hoping for. I mean, it really wouldn’t have been anyway because it’s an RTS and not an ARPG, but it would have been nice to be able to associate the Mana name with the word “quality” for the first time in over a decade. I’ll say it’s worth a try if you’re really into the Mana series or lighthearted RTS games, but otherwise you should probably just ignore it. Mediocrity is just something we Mana fans have been getting used to for years now, so it’s not a huge surprise for us, but if the last Mana game you played was Secret, well, you’ll just be floored by how far downhill the series has gone. And even with the flawed gameplay and monotonous narrative, Heroes isn’t even close to being the worst chapter.

Holy Jesus I just opened this in my browser and it is way long.

You will burn in Hell

One of the things I’ve always liked about the Guitar Hero franchise is that it’s an easy way to get into new bands. Sure, they only get one track a game, but it’s still a good starting point. The bonus tracks are great for finding your way into the world of non-mainstream music, and I feel proud of myself when a song from a band I listen to shows up in the bonus songs. Makes me feel like I maybe have taste.

Anyhow, one of my favourite songs to play in Guitar Hero 3 is Muse’s “Knights of Cydonia”. The fourth song in the seventh set, it’s not a terribly hard song, but the first half is built for people like me who played the Hell out of “Misirlou” in GH2, and the second half meant to break your strumming wrist. It’s tons of fun though! I only recently got my five stars on it, and I’ve only felt that level of satisfaction when I got my five-star on “Psychobilly Freakout” (on hard). I imagine finishing “Raining Blood” will evoke a similar sentiment, but that’s something I’m just going to have to keep dreaming about.

The point I’m slowly getting to here is that I went out and picked up Muse’s Black Holes and Revelations on a whim one day, because I like “Knights of Cydonia” that much. To tell the truth, it’s one of those things that kind of proves the “know what you’re buying” adage I usually follow.

This isn’t to say that it’s a bad CD though. After listening to it a few times, most of the songs grew on me, but I’m pretty sure that if I’d downloaded it first I never would have shelled out the cash for it. That would be a shame too, because there are a couple other songs I really like on the disc. “Take A Bow”, the opening track, isn’t very musically complex, but it’s got a lot of power to it and I quite enjoy the simple yet decisive direction it takes. “Starlight” is a song I’d heard before somewhere, and I really didn’t like it. Turns out wherever it was I heard it didn’t have a sound system that does the song justice, because listening to it over a decent system revealed that there’s a lot to like about it, the thumping baseline and the surge of guitars in the choruses being the big ones. “Soldier’s Poem” and “Invincible” remind me of Hawksley Workman (that’s a good thing) and “Assassin”‘s metal roots and killer drum highlights make it totally awesome.

In conclusion, while I might have passed it over if I hadn’t been immediately commited to it, I can’t imagine having missed out on Black Holes and Revelations. Featuring a decent array of musical styles and often poignant lyrics, it’s a disc I would love to recommend to everyone. The problem is that the range of styles might turn some off, and they’ll give up on the album before reaching its finale. Oh well, I recommend it anyway. On a last note, I have no idea why, but it seems to me like a CD that smart people would listen to.

Come to me in a dream

I chose Dethklok to be this month’s Band fo the Month, even though by most definitions they aren’t a real band. All the work is essentially done by two guys, and credited to five cartoon characters. The band behind it may be fake, but the music is real and in fact, The Dethalbum is the highest charting extreme metal album ever. Not too bad for cartoons. But! Dethklok isn’t the only band of its kind.

Indeed, the Sons of Butcher are also a band based on a cartoon, the biggest difference between them and Dethklok being that the main characters from Sons of Butcher are (based on) the people that actually write and play the music, so the band can tour to promote both their show and their music. The SOBs have been around for two seasons, and they aren’t currently scheduled for a third, but hopefully the rabid fan demand for more will change that. Anyway, with both seasons of the show have come corresponding CDs. Their eponymous debut album is what we’re going to be looking at today.

Sons of Butcher is a pretty fun CD, but has one glaring flaw. Obviously enough, the bulk of the material present is pulled directly from the show. The songs are extended and fleshed-out as compared the the snippets that appear in the show, but still end up being rather short, the longest track clocking in at 2:28. Having twelve tracks and only ten real songs (the CD begins and ends with filler tracks), it’s pretty damn short. Just over 20 minutes, to be precise.

On the upside, most of the tracks are enjoyable in some respect. Most of them are hilarious if you know the context (they’re almost all written about situations in the show), and a few are funny on their own. Of course, it’s an off-humour, so unless you find a song about, ahem, going “in through the out hole” funny, maybe it’s not going to be quite up your alley. On the other hand, the music itself is of good quality, especially considering that it’s from a TV show. The various riffs and baselines are respectable and have some level of integrity to them. Ricky’s solos are pretty wicked too, and fit the party rock/light metal tone of the CD really well. Being that none of the main characters are drummers, the drums remain somewhat neglected on most tracks, and for the majority of the time are just there to help keep the rhythm and make the sound complete.

So yeah. Sons of Butcher is a realy cool album, and I recommend it. It’s not quite as epic as going to see the SOBs live would be (as I’ve heard), but a good bit of merch for the fans anyway. If you order it off the official website, Sol, Ricky, and Doug will autograph it and send you a free meat-shaped air freshener too (comes with every order!), so that’s probably the best way to procure it (that and the only music store in my area that carried SOB goods closed down a while ago). If you’re thinking about checking out one of my recommendations, I’d probably say to look for The Dethalbum first, but that’s only because Sons of Butcher suffers from being incredibly short, and the fun ends way too soon.

Behind the lens

While we’re throwing out curveballs here, I suppose I’ll take this opportunity to talk about Pokémon Snap. Not the most popular game to grace the Nintendo 64, I was immediately drawn in by the game, mostly because at the time I was at the peak of my Poké-fandom. I played it a lot, actualy, which is odd, because I ended up thinking very little of the game. I guess I got a lot of entertainment out of it, but the conclusion I drew at the end was that it wasn’t a very good game.

I guess I must have missed something though. A while ago, I was listening to the Pokémon episode of Retronauts, and while they only briefly touched on it, I got the impression that the cast generally enjoyed the game. And then it was announced for Virtual Console a couple weeks ago, and bloggers everywhere rejoiced. I was curious as to what exactly was going on. Did the world outside me and my circle of friends like Pokémon Snap? Seems so, as a modicum of research has proven that the game received pretty respectable review scores back when it was originally released.

This entire story culminates in the game being released today on the Wii’s Virtual Console service. Swept up in the mania leading up to it’s release, I downloaded it myself, and played for about an hour tonight. Somewhat surprised, I actually got into the game again! Dunno how, but while Snap is short and doesn’t provide a ton of substance, it’s actually pretty interesting while it lasts. It isn’t one of the games I was really hoping for, but in the end, I’m of the opinion that this should have been on the VC long ago.

See, the thing about Pokémon Snap is that it is a textbook example of the kind of game Nintendo is trying to associate with the Wii. It’s a totally casual game about taking pictures. There’s virtually no pace at all, making it a pretty relaxing experience. You can take up the camera and play for a short while, but still walk away feeling like you’ve spent your time well, assuming you got some decent shots. People with literally no game-playing experience could pick it up and play so easily, becoming Poké-photography masters in little to no time. Again, it’s short, but technically so is Space Invaders, and people have been known to spend hours with that. Pokémon Snap is not about getting to the end or completing Oak’s Report, it’s about getting unique and high-scoring pictures. A beefed-up sequel would be an excellent Wii title.

All of this, and it heralds a new age for the Virtual Console as well! Pokémon Snap is the first Virtual Console game with added Wii functionality, something Nintendo commonly talked about when the Wii was still known as the Revolution. In the VC edition of Snap, players can choose one picture a day to export to their Wii message board and send to friends. It’s not much, but it’s a sign that Nintendo is finally adding things to their classics. Hopefully something a little more significant is in the works (Leaderboards? Online multiplayer?), but for now let’s rejoice that they’re actually working a little something new in here and there. This may be even better than when they started doling out import games, depending on where it leads.

In the end, buying Pokémon Snap again for $10 isn’t too bad. I think I’ll get my money’s worth from the game a second time, and possibly even moreso now that I can flood people’s Wii message boards with pictures of Bulbasaur. Again, I think a sequel would be a great idea. It could be essentially the exact same game, but with more levels and all four billion Pokémon. Hell, it could even make a decent WiiWare title once that service launches. Probably just a pipe dream, but I’m certain it would sell more than the hugely disappointing Pokémon Battle Revolution.

Hypocritical, perhaps

Most people are aware of my dislike of Final Fantasy VII. Or at least, its fanbase. It’s not a bad game, really, but in no respect is it the revolutionary game that the fantards claim it to be. It’s a completely standard Final Fantasy game with “meh”-inducing 3D graphics and a cockamamie plot. The Materia system renders all characters essentially the same, save their limit breaks, and lacks the tactical joys of the Junction or gambit systems from later Final Fantasy games. In any case, my general disposition towards the game might make me seem a bit flip-floppy for owning the following figurine.

Yeah, it’s Cloud. But for the record, I likely wouldn’t have bought it if it had been a Final Fantasy collectible. Nope, it’s actually the only Kingdom Hearts figurine we’ve ever stocked at the Toys ‘R’ Us I work at, and frankly, I thought it was pretty cool. Plus, I really liked the Kingdom Hearts games.

The Cloud figurine if from the second set of the Kingdom Hearts Formation Arts line, along with Goofy and Kairi. I’d actually seen the other two in a store in Grand Forks, but the Kairi figurine is kinda lame, and Goofy… well, I have no excuse for not buying that one. I’ve never seen any from the first set, but Amazon is telling me that the characters included in that set were Sora, Donald and Jack Skellington. After researching the line for a while, it would also seem that they’re pulled from the first game (the Sora and Kairi designs kinda gave it away), so they must be pretty old. I can’t find a date anywhere, but it doesn’t surprise me that we only received them earlier this year. Hell, we only got the Advent Children action figures about two weeks ago. Oh well. I guess Square-Enix toys just aren’t as cool as whatever the fuck Bakugans are.

Don’t have much else to say. The figure is made of a decent-quality plastic, and not PVC like most Japanese-made figurines (maybe it was produced by S-E USA?), which keeps it from being exorbitantly expensive, but it’s still got a great amount of detail. Cloud’s glove, sword, and cape are all exquisitely detailed, and the rest of the figure looks nice too. Oddly enough, it actually looks a lot bigger than it is. Don’t know why, but when you look at a picture, it seems like it’s maybe two or three inches taller than it is in reality. Meh. It’s cool, and Cloud spends his time sitting on my dresser beside my other decorative “toys”, namely, my Jesus action figure, and my sweet Led Zeppelin 3D album cover.

Inevitable schminevitable

For the longest time, I was pretty dead-set against the PSP. Neither it or the DS really took off right away, but the DS eventually became the hugest runaway success the video game world has ever seen. I often stop and laugh at people who said the DS would fail when I see them playing one, and I feel really good inside. On the other end though, I ended up feeling kind of sorry for the PSP. It’s really not a bad machine, I just place my main loyalties with Nintendo. So in the summer of ’06, I eventually decided to buy one. I’ve had some good times with it, but I can’t say it was a wholly justified purchase. At least it wasn’t until recently.

One of the main reasons I even bought the thing was because I heard the game pictured to the left of this paragraph was going to be made specifically for the handheld. Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles is a remake of one of the very few Vania games never to see light in North America, Rondo of Blood. You can head to a handful of the sites I ahve links to on the navi bar there, and get the whole drawn-out story on Rondo, so I’m going to concentrate on what I think of the game.

There are actually three games in the Dracula X Chronicles; the Rondo of Blood remake, the original Rondo, and the Playstation classic Symphony of the Night. I already own the Xbox Live arcade version of Symphony, so for me it’s just nice to have a portable version, unlike for some people where its inclusion would be a deal-maker. Seems redundant, but you can never play through Symphony of the Night too many times.

The Rondo of Blood remake, which would be the feature title here (the other two need to be unlocked), is a great game. Decked out in superb new 3D visuals, it’s remake quality on par with the Gamecube’s version of Resident Evil. The game plays nearly identically, but there are minor adjustments and additions here and there that add so much more than the sum of their parts. For one, you can collect hidden music files and change the music of every level to your liking. This means, essentially, that you could put the BGM of every level to “Vampike Killer” should you so choose. The SotN music is available to choose from (once found) as well, so that adds a lot for people who are into the audio bit. And considering the Castlevania series’ penchant for beautiful scores, that should be everyone.

The 3D aspect of the game is mostly for visual goodness, but it also makes the game slightly easier. While all the bosses telegraph their moves in the original game, the 3D models have much more pronounced animation sequences than the sprite versions, so it’s a bit easier to see what’s coming. That doesn’t mean that the game is a cakewalk though. Old Castlevania games are tough as nails, and Rondo of Blood is no exception. Richter Belmont is a bit more agile than his ancestors, but that only helps so much. Maria Renard is newly unlockable in the remake, and she’s got some pretty cheap attacks, but taking down Dracula and his hordes of monsters is still no easy task.

I guess there’s probably some other stuff that I may have neglected to mention, but it all boils down to one thing: the game is fun. Maybe I’m a ‘Vania fanboy, but it’s the second most played PSP game I own next to Megaman Maverick Hunter X, and I own the FF Tactics remake. And now that I think of it, the PSP is becoming a haven for remakes. It’s not quite as bad as the GBA was with all the direct ports of SNES games, but the fact that its best content has all been seen before is almost as sad as how badly the DS is stomping it. Meh. I’m not complainaing. Portable versions of some of my favourite games are A-OK with me.

Steamed out

Well, I said I was running low on on-hand reviewables. But I’ve been saved by the mail! Indeed, it’s only a one-day fix (and sliding right under the line at 11:50 to boot), but it’s something.

Eh? Whatever could it be? Oh, come on. Like the gold colour and the fairy doen’t give it away.

You may not have heard about this promotion, but if you’d bought The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass and registered it on Nintendo.com, they would send you this swanky feather pen stylus for free. Free! There’s no better price, especially for special crap like this. I’m not sure if the offer’s still on, but it’s pretty worth it. I mean, if you’ve already got Phantom Hourglass, getting a sweet bonus for free is icing on the cake. It’s no reason to buy the game, like some special offers before it, but neat anyway.

I’ll admit I haven’t used it to play anything yet, but it feels nice, being particularly larger than both the original and Lite stylus. It doesn’t fit in the stylus notch in any DS unit (obviously), but that’s hardly an issue unless you want to show it off in public. I don’t think I’ll ever really use it at all, myself.

Yeah, so you can see that there’s a good size difference between the feather pen stylus and the regular types. I don’t really know what else I can say about the thing. It’s nice and clear. Ummm… Yeah. That’s about it. If you have Phantom Hourglass, go register it for free goodies. If not… well, why don’t you have it? It’s a pretty good game.

Bad to the… crust

I don’t mean to destroy what little faith you may have in my ability to make posts for 25 days in a row, but it would seem that I’m already running low on on-hand material. Oops. I guess I’ll have to consign some of these posts to less significant/expensive goods. Perhaps some will actually be Christmas related? Well, maybe I’ll start on those types of items today!

Christmas, in addition to being a time where people go out and spend as much money as possible to make sure their family loves them, is also a time for delicious feasts! Yeah, most holidays call for feasts which may have some air of deliciousness to them, but Christmas has always been the most appetizing holiday to me. This can probably be attributed almost completely to my dad’s mom, who pulls out all the stops when it comes to baking when Christmastime comes around. Cookies, cakes, pies – all the goodies you can ever imagine! And so many of them! So that’s why I’m categorizing the following item as “Christmassy” when at a glance it clearly is not.

Pumpkin cheesecake. Oh yes. Oh yes. OH YES.

There are two things about me that everyone in my family knows: 1) I love pumpkin pie and 2) I love cheesecake. So pumpkin cheesecake? Why not? Trouble is, things are never as sweet as you dream them.

The pumpkin cheesecake had two major flaws. For one, and I did not notice this until it was too late, it was infused with pecans. Let me put this as bluntly as I can: I fucking hate nuts. They have a horrible history of ruining perfectly good baking, and while cheesecake isn’t necessarily “baking”, this is no exception. For reasons I will explain in the next paragraph, I could barely taste the bilious pecans, but they messed up the texture of the cheesecake. When I eat cheesecake, I want it to melt in my mouth. I don’t want big gross lumps of hard in there. It completely ruined the experience for me, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look another pumpkin cheesecake in the eye again, even if it is sans pecan.

The other big problem here is that while this particular product is supposed to harness the powers of cheesecake and pumpkins, it tastes like neither. I don’t know, maybe I got a defective one, but the thing was totally overspiced. Every bite was like pouring a cup of ginger into my mouth. Not a pleasant taste in the least. There was a little cheesecake in there somewhere, but it wasn’t nearly enough to save it. By the time I was halfawy done with the cheesecake (I paid like $6 for it, I was damn well going to finish it!), I was already cringing at the thought of eating any more. I never cringe at the thought of sweets. Never.

Only now do I realize that the purpose of posting every day until Christmas was to recommend a bunch of stuff, but I guess that’s gone to hell now. I cannot in good consience tell anyone that eating this pumpkin cheesecake is a good idea. Maybe some other company produces a good pumpkin cheesecake, but the President’s Choice brand is utter crap. I did not enjoy it in the least, and almost almost regret my purchase. The only positive is that I got a pretty easy blog post out of it.