Thinks and Thoks – Nintendo Direct (March 8/18)

Remember last time I did a write-up of a Nintendo Direct, and I wasn’t really interested in most of what they showed off? Well, there was another one yesterday afternoon and it was a whopper. This time, I found myself profoundly interested in nearly all of the titles shown. That said, let’s take a more detailed dive into the presentation.

The first slew of games are all for 3DS, pretty much confirming my theory that Nintendo intends to keep riding the 3DS train until the end of time.

Wario Ware Gold – Yeah, I’m very interested in this. I haven’t played a Wario Ware game for what seems like forever, and they’re always super fun. But I don’t think I’m actually going to buy it. Since my budget is a lot tighter these days, the fact that I already own all the Wario Ware games I need is reason enough to take a pass on this “greatest hits” version.

Continue reading Thinks and Thoks – Nintendo Direct (March 8/18)

Nintendo Direct Mini reactions!

Nintendo shadow dropped a little Nintendo Direct this morning. I mean, sort of. The date leaked online a while ago, and Nintendo had been making vague tweets in the days leading up to it, but it was never formally announced. So as a Nintendo-focused blogger, I feel like it’s my sworn duty to go over it and write up some thoughts.

The World Ends With You: Final Remix – I bought the original version on DS, and played it for roughly an hour before it got lost in the tide and I sold it due to lack of interest. I can tell you definitively that this port would suffer the exact same fate, so I’m surely just going to take a pass on this one.

Pokkén Tournament DX DLC – I didn’t buy Pokkén DX, because I have the original on Wii U. And while adding Blastoise is a very effective hook if you’re trying to get my money, it’s still just not enough to get me to buy this game a second time. I didn’t get into it as much as I hoped I would the first time around, I doubt the second time will be the charm.

Kirby Star Allies – Okay, now we’re talking. I love Kirby games, obvi. But to be honest, I was thinking about skipping over this one. I mean, I know that I’ll enjoy it, but Kirby side-scrollers are all pretty samey, so I was thinking maybe just play Planet Robobot again and save myself the $90. Can you believe that things have gotten so bad that new video games cost $90? (After tax, that is.) That’s just ridiculous. I need a cheaper hobby.

I’ll probably end up buying it anyway. It’s just to gosh-darn pretty!

Some demos – I have zero interest in Kirby Battle Royale, and I already have Dragon Quest Builders on PS4. Pass. Pass.

Hyrule Warriors Definitive Edition – I already own this game on Wii U and 3DS. I’ve purchased the DLC packs on both versions. I’ve spent approximately $185 on this game already. And yet, I can’t help but desperately yearn to buy it again on Switch. I’m going to do my best to ignore it, but don’t be surprised if one day I write a blog post about how I couldn’t afford food for two weeks because I bought friggin’ Hyrule Warriors a third time. I don’t mind buying a game a second time if there’s some added value, but when you get to a third or fourth purchase, that’s where I have to start drawing lines. This version adds nothing but Breath of the Wild costumes. Not exactly a major draw.

Mario Tennis Aces – I like that Camelot seems to be putting some heart into this one, after the last three or four Mario Tennis games were half-assed disappointments, but the fact of the matter is that I never really get into these Mario sports games. Likely because I have no friends to play them with.

Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana – I won’t lie, 90% of the appeal here is that Dana character and her excessively skimpy outfit. I don’t usually care for the terrible costumes that female characters get in JRPGs, but this one really clicks with me for some reason. Other than that… ehhhh. I don’t know enough about the Ys series to care, and my budget just doesn’t have room for something that I don’t get an immediate urge to purchase.

Super Mario Odyssey: Luigi’s Balloon World – It’s a free update for a game I already own. So yeah, I’ll probably give it a go. Don’t see much appeal, though.

SNK Heroines Tag Team Frenzy – Meh. I have a King of Fighters game on my Switch. I already never play that enough.

ACA NEO-GEO Art of Fighting 2 – What did I just say?

Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle DLC – I love this game and I love this trailer, but I don’t think I’ll be buying this DLC. I’ll give it an honest consideration if I ever get around to finishing the main game. But, that’s not looking too likely.

PAYDAY 2 – Don’t care.

Fe – Sorry, I stopped watching. What was this?

Celeste – I was only half paying attention while this game was on. I don’t know what it’s about, but the visuals certainly smack of something that I would dig.

DKC: Tropical Freeze – Oh hey look another Wii U port that I’m not going to buy. Don’t get me wrong, Tropical Freeze is a magnificent game in every regard, but I haven’t even finished it. And the Funky Kong mode looks like a good way to give players an “easy mode” without shaming them like Super Kong. Still. Unless it’s coming in at half-price, I can’t see it happening for me.

Dark Souls RemasteredUH HUH YES DAY ONE.

Praise the sun! To think that a port of a game released in 2012 is the thing that excited me most from this presentation. But, it’s Dark Souls. Dark Souls. In Japan it’s been confirmed that it won’t even be a full-price release, so woop woop here I go again to Lordran! Gonna be prepared to die on the bus! On my lunch break! On the toilet! Prepared to die everywhere!

Plus I never bought the DLC for my 360 copy, so there’s even some new-to-me content in there!

The Top 12 Video Games of 2016

“Why” you ask, “did you choose to list twelve games?”

The answer is simple. Because sixteen (for 2016) seemed too many, and ten is too cliché.

“But doing a Top X Things of Year list is in itself too cliché!”

Shut up!

(You should know my Top Video Games rules by now: Any game that I beat in 2016 is fair game, regardless of what year it was actually released in. No remakes or remasters allowed.)

Continue reading The Top 12 Video Games of 2016

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up – June 2016

My free time from mid-April to mid-June was reduced very drastically by both school and my renewed efforts to get into slightly better physical shape, and now, now I am free from the clutches of higher learning (for a while) so that I can go back to wasting that portion of my spare time on mind-dulling television games.

😀 😀 😀

~ Game Over ~

Hyrule Warriors Legends (3DS) – Played through the story mode again for… collection purposes. Yeah, I’ll probably be playing this one forever.

The Legend of Zelda (NES) – All that Hyrule Warriorsing often makes me want to play real Zelda, and sometimes I do. Like this time, when I played the first one!

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Kirby: Planet Robobot (3DS) – It’s almost exactly like Triple Deluxe, but the Robobot Armor is a much more fun gimmick than Hypernova. Also, the sub-games are somehow even better. You can expect that I’ll be writing a big ol’ thing about them soon. As another note, the final boss is friggin’ AMAZING. Fanservicey as all heck, and I loved it.

Kirby: Planet Robobot (3DS) – I also played through the entire Meta Knightmare Returns mode, which is playing through the game again as Meta Knight, but it’s all lined up as one super-long level, and all the bosses are powered up and there is a super-sweet trio of legacy bosses at the end.

Scott Pilgrim vs The World: The Game (360) – I got really frustrated with Ornstein and Smough in my Dark Souls replay, so I flipped over to something a little more friendly. In fact, this game is very easy to burn through when you have a maxed-out character. Still fun, and the music is phenomenal.

Cibele (PC) – A narrative game about a girl who meets a guy online, falls in love, and then meets up with him to bone. Guess how it ends.

Her Story (PC) – A narrative game where you’re sorting through hundreds of little interview clips to piece together the story of a murder. Only I didn’t realize that the game wasn’t functioning properly for me, so I only got audio clips when there were supposed to be accompanying videos! The game still worked, and I loved it. Recommended to everyone.

Mighty No. 9 (WiiU) – What was supposed to be the glorious (off-brand) return of Mega Man instead turned out to be half-baked and disappointing to most. I don’t hate it, but it’s generally underwhelming and the final boss is just so difficult.

~ Now Playing ~

Zelda: Skyward Sword (Wii) – Speaking of wanting to replay Zeldas… I hadn’t revisited Skyward Sword since I beat it the first time, and man, I am really digging it. I’ve been writing about it weekly, so… you know. Read those entries.

Monster Hunter Explore (iOS) – Most of my playtime was during the bus rides home from school. Now that I’m out of school until ????, I probably won’t play it until then.

Fallout 4 (PS4) – Started up a new game on my shiny new Playstation 4. I suppose that above all else, this spells the end for my stalled game of New Vegas. Also, no other game makes me wish there were more hours in the day. So that I could squander them on pointless video games, you see.

Pokémon Pearl Version (DS) – This was a very spur-of-the-moment replay decision. I really can’t even remember why I decided to go back to it. What I do know is that even after I’d confirmed that all the important Pokémon had been safely transferred away, it still killed me to overwrite my old save. This is why I very rarely replay Pokémon games.

Final Fantasy VII (PC) – One thing I always forget about FF7 is that enemy attack animations can be really long, and as a result, really drag out the battles. I would like a separate timer just to see how much of the game time has been spent watching monsters do elaborate attacks. Or a switch to just turn them off like Pokémon has.

Zelda: Twilight Princess HD (WiiU) – Yep. Still poking around in this one. I beat it, but I wanted to go back to find all the stamps and poes (which I still haven’t accomplished). I’ve played the game like five times before, and never explored the world nearly as thoroughly as I have this time around.

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Dark Souls (360) – I get about an hour in each Saturday afternoon, and have managed to make my way back to Anor Londo. Yaaaay. As stated above, NG+ Ornstein and Smough are an absolute nightmare. I did manage to get past them, though, so it should be easy street from here on out, right?

Skyward Sword Replay: Week 4

Week 3 was a little quiet, but week 4 was pretty huge, since I was on vacation and had plenty of time to play. On the other hand, I spent most of it playing Fallout 4 instead. Still! Much progress was made.

To pick up where my last session left off (and they quite often seem to end as I’m entering a dungeon), I had just stepped into the third dungeon, the Lanayru Mining Facility. While it’s another tight, single-floor affair (I’m beginning to think that none of Skyward Sword’s dungeons have multiple floors), it felt about twice as long as the previous two and was much more enjoyable to solve. Felt a lot more puzzley, like a Zelda dungeon should be. I actually got lost at one point, and it took me a while to figure out that the key to progress was a lesson that I had previously learned while exploring the desert.

Continue reading Skyward Sword Replay: Week 4

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up – May 2016

I’ve been trying real hard to focus on one game per system at a time over the last few months, but I’m failing at every turn. It seems like I’m constantly getting distracted by something else, be it new or half-complete. Anyway, May was a huge step in the right direction, with a greater number of finished games than “in progress” games for this first time since… maybe it’s just the first time ever? Of course, I had to throw some (admittedly hefty) demos in there to make the grade, so maybe it’s moot.

~ Game Over ~

Zelda: Twilight Princess HD (WiiU) – It feels wrong to say it for some reason, but I think Twilight Princess is one of my favourite Zeldas. I think the only thing that I truly dislike about it is the stupid canoe minigame. The forced-wolf sections in the first half of the game do feel a bit like unnecessary padding, but even those don’t really bother me all that much. I even like the “acres and acres of nothing” Hyrule Field.

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Bravely Default (3DS) – I decided, now that the sequel is out, that I’ve been putting this off for too long. So I beat it. Then I wrote too many words about it. What I didn’t write there is that the final boss seemed rally cheap and annoying on my first try, but then once I knew his tricks, I stomped him into the ground with very little trouble.

Bravely Second: The Ballad of the Three Cavaliers (3DS) – Officially, it’s just the demo for Bravely Second, but it’s got a unique scenario and took me about seven hours to beat. I thought that I was burned out on Bravely, but this demo really hooked me and I just may splurge on Second in the near future.

The Park (PC) – I bought this immediately after someone suggested to me that it was a Five Night’s at Freddy’s clone. That is not the case at all. It’s a still a spooky game, but it is a walking simulator instead of a security guard simulator and there are zero killer animatronics. I was still pleased, because the story was pretty good. Unfortunately, my PC could just barely run it, so the choppiness kind of ruined the mood.

Resident Evil Revelations 2 – Episode 3 (PC) – Surprisingly, this game has one of the least terrible sewer levels ever. Well, design-wise. Technically, the water was too fancy, which made the computer so unhappy and slowed everything down to a crawl, and made the game very difficult to play. Otherwise, it had a cool factory explosion and a great boss fight.

Resident Evil Revelations 2 – Episode 4 (PC) – A surprisingly brief chapter for Claire and Moira, then the longest chapter in the game for Barry and Natalia. It was really great, though, and had a pretty decent final boss. I can tell you right now that I will be replaying this one many times.

Pocket Card Jockey Demo (3DS) – A game about horse racing, in which you race horses by playing a variation of solitaire that I am not familiar with. It’s a lot of fun, but truth be told, I don’t think I’m going to buy it. It’s deceptively deep, and that’s not really what I’m looking for.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade (360) – Decided to play it a bit because I have been jonesing for some old-school TMNT action for months now. I didn’t actually finish it, but I was at the second-last stage and I would have finished it if I’d had more time. But I did get the fix that I needed. Close enough.

~ Now Playing ~

Monster Hunter Explore (iOS) – Do you remember Monster Hunter: Dynamic Hunting? I thought it was a passable way to get a MonHun fix in a pinch, but Explore is so much better. Its plays much more like normal Monster Hunter, just pared down for the mobile audience. It’s still not completely fulfilling, but it’s certainly a good deal of fun.

Hyrule Warriors Legends (3DS) -I took a long break from this to finish off Bravely Default and the Bravely Second demo, and now I’m neck deep in Zelda Musou again. I’ve finally finished the Great Sea adventure map to 100% completion, at least.

Final Fantasy VII (PC) – Yep, this happened. For whatever reason, this time around I feel like I’m seeing a lot of things that remind me of Super Mario RPG. Also whenever anything silly or funny happens I think about how joyless the remake will be and it makes me sad.

Mini Mario & Friends: Amiibo Challenge (WiiU) – I wrote enough words about this already.

Lost Reavers (WiiU) – A free, online loot-’em-up of sorts. It’s not especially good, but I’ve put in several hours because… well, I’m not sure why I kept it up. I guess it’s fairly fun, despite feeling like a C-tier game from a couple generations ago. Probably because it’s a multiplayer game that is 100% cooperative. That’s a big draw for me.

Dark Souls (360) – Yeah I’m playing this again. New Game+ is, well, hard. Which is the opposite of what I normally expect from NG+. Oh, Dark Souls. Played up to the point of defeating Quelaag, not sure how far I’m ultimately going to take this run.

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up – April 2016

Late March’s descent into Zeldamania continues. Mostly because I’ve been devoting roughly 95% of my gaming time to Hyrule Warriors again. Which is, you know, not really Zelda, but it looks the part.

This month also saw the release of the new Star Fox games. One of which is a very traditional Star Fox game which people hate because of the controls. And the other is a Star Fox game in name only which people are in love with because of the controls. Wacky!

~ Game Over ~

Hyrule Warriors Legends (3DS) – I completed the story, including all the optional stages. But the adventure maps… they just never end. I mean, I guess they do, but there is so much content smooshed into this game that it’s hard to imagine ever clearing it all.

Resident Evil Revelations (PC) – Guys, I’m gonna spoil it for you: the first revelation is that there are two identical boats. The second revelation is that there’s a third identical boat, which had sunk a year before the game’s events, and a man has been living in it the whole time. This game’s plot is bananas. And I love it that much more because of it.

Resident Evil Revelations 2 – Episode 1 (PC) – Been putting this one off for a while, despite hearing that it’s quite good. And I agree! Not totally on board with the flashlight mechanics, but everything else is just swell. I am frothing in anticipation of the rest of the game.

Continue reading Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up – April 2016

Dark Souls: I finally finished it!

After literally years of alternating between playing semi-obsessively and ignoring it for months, I have finally beaten Dark Souls. This grand achievement was a long time coming, and as it turns out, all you really need to beat Dark Souls is to be stubborn.

I don’t remember exactly when I bought it, but I think it must have been early 2013. Long enough after release that it had been marked down to a mere $20. That really doesn’t narrow it down, as these days games can be reduced to less than that mere weeks after release, but you get the point. I played up to the first real boss (Taurus Demon), got frustrated, threw up my hands, and called it a wash.

Months later, I related this experience to my younger brother, who had finished and enjoyed Dark Souls. He encouraged me to try some more, and even came over to serve as a sort of tour guide as I played. Normally I like to figure things out on my own, but I discovered that it was nice to get a helping hand in that early stage of the game where I was still coming to terms with how the game worked. From the Undead Parish on, I struck out on my own, though I kept the wiki just a bookmark away for those tough times.

Continue reading Dark Souls: I finally finished it!

Dark Souls: Amazing chest, indeed

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan finally breached Anor Londo castle, and then after navigating the place, accidentally fell out of a window.

Before I was viciously slain by bat-demons, I had unlocked what I was assuming was a shortcut into the Anor Londo castle hall. Unfortunately, the last bonfire I’d rested at was all the way on the other side of the castle, so I was forced to fight my way through all the silver knights again to get back into the great hall. I retraced my steps up the balcony and out the window, then booked all the way back across the bridge to the little bonfire room on the terrace opposite of the castle.

After setting a slightly more convenient respawning point, I ran back to the castle again, but without the horrible sense of dread that usually accompanied the approach. I beat up the sentinel guarding the newly unlocked path, and inched my way through the gate, hoping to catch the bat-demons off-guard. I wasn’t able to get the drop on them, but at the very least, I managed to take them out one at a time.

Just past the bat-demons was a tower. Inside the tower was a staircase leading upward and into the castle’s main hall. Also, there was a gigantic blacksmith hammering away. I browsed his wares and had him make some upgrades to my equipment before moving on.

I came into the main hall on the opposite side that I’d first entered it. A silver knight with a dragonslayer bow waited for me at the bottom of the stairs, and there was a summon sign waiting halfway down the staircase. I ambled down and summoned the phantom of my old friend Solaire. He immediately jumped off the ledge and engaged the nearby sentinel as I more cautiously descended the stairs. The two sentinels in the hall were a little more advanced than the ones that I’d been fighting up until now. For one, they jumped around a lot more often. They also had a wide-ranged burst attack and were able to heal themselves if Solaire and I gave them enough time.

We eventually felled the sentinels, but had taken quite a bit of damage in doing so. At the far end of the hall was the main castle gate. We wandered over to it, but it was far too large for us to open. Luckily, there was a handy lever off to the side, and pulling it opened the massive doors for us. Since I was hurting pretty bad, I opted to run back to the bonfire for a recharge, but Solaire got distracted by the sentinel standing outside. I assume that it finished him off, as he didn’t ever catch up to me.

I returned to the castle and ran past the regular sentinels into the hall. I thought that they would give up if I ran in far enough, but they did not. So I had two regular sentinels and one super-sentinel hounding me. It did not go well. You Died.

I quickly found that the safest way to enter the castle was via the giant balcksmith’s tower. The shortcut gate was too small for the sentinel to pass through, which caused him to forget about me after I made it through, and the bat-demons didn’t follow me very far if I just ran past them. I summoned Solaire again and we fought the super-sentinels. Things took a turn for the worse and we accidentally angered them both at once. You Died.

That happened at least one more time. You Died. Probably even twice. That whole area was like a fever-dream of death and resurrection. You Died.

We did eventually kill the super-sentinels without being critically wounded, and there was nothing left to do at that point besides enter the Fog Gate. On the other side stood the most grueling test of my entire journey: Ornstein and Smaugh. Dragon Slayer Ornstein was a knight twice my size, who carried an equally sizeable spear. Executioner Smough was a massive blob of a man (the fat:muscle ratio I couldn’t tell), equipped with a war hammer that could easily crush me in a single blow. The two rushed us and we decided to split up: Solaire took on Ornstein and I drew Smough’s attention.

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The fight did not go well. Solaire was slaughtered almost immediately, and I was crushed very quickly after the two rejoined forces. You Died.

Before round two, I decided that it might be best to simply run past the super-sentinels in an effort to conserve health for the bosses. I made it to the Fog Wall unscathed, but Solaire took a few lumps on the way. The rematch did go better, but still not well by any stretch. The both of us unleashed our fury on Ornstein, thinking that taking out one as fast as possible would be our best hope for survival. Smough was still pounding away at us of course, and Solaire died off quickly, but Ornstein was very near death and it was trivial to finish him off.

It was not the boon I’d hoped for though, as Smough stepped up and absorbed the power of his fallen comrade, imbuing him with additional speed and lightning powers. Super-Smough quickly turned me into paste, as I was not at all ready for his new jumping attack. You Died.

Round three was about the same, only we killed Smough first. This was a terrible, terrible mistake. For all the power that Super-Smough had gained, when Ornstein powered-up, he grew three sizes and became much more vicious. Super-Ornstein was slower than his original form, but I wasn’t able to run away for long. Before I knew it, I was impaled on that spear, watching everything fade to black. You Died.

Knowing now that Ornstein should be the first to go, we tried again. I managed to put up a fight against Super-Smough for a while, but his butt-slam attack sprayed out a field of lightning that caused my body to seize up long enough for him to turn me into a fine paste with that giant hammer of his. You Died.

That was pretty much what happened over and over again. You Died.

Over and over and over again. You Died. You Died. You Died.

Finally, our luck turned. Solaire managed to outlive Ornstein, which gave us a bit of an advantage. He distracted Super-Smough while I ran in to deal a truckload of damage. That strategy didn’t last long, but it was enough to get my licks in. Solaire’s phantom vanished after a particularly vicious assualt, and I was left to try to dodge the swings of the hammer as I kept picking away at Super-Smough’s life. It was such a blur that I didn’t notice that he had died, and kept swinging at his body even after it had stopped moving.

I collapsed on the ground and chugged my last dose of Estus. I don’t know how long I laid there, appreciating the silence.

I moved on to the back of the room, where I found an elevator that took me to the room’s upper balcony. Above, I found an entrance into another room, in which I met the Princess of Sunlight, Gwynevere. She was a massive woman, many times larger than the giant blacksmith and Super-Ornstein. As she laid there, with her equally enormous assets hanging out for all the world to see, she started prattling on. I was still a little shook up from having been killed so many times so quickly that I mostly just tuned her out.

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Honestly I was also a little too mesmerized by that rack to listen.

In the end, she gave me the Lordvessel, which I would use to collect some special souls or something. More importantly, it would allow me to instantly travel from any bonfire to… most other bonfires. Why it was picky about the destination I’ll never know, but it was a great help at any rate.

As it happens, there was a bonfire right in front of the door to Gwynevere’s room, so I hobbled over and put my new toy to work. Before I knew it, I found myself back at Firelink Shrine. Things were starting to go my way again.

Tune in next time for Part 28: Blast From The Past

Dark Souls: Return to Anor Londo

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan spun her wheels in the forest for a little while, slaughtering mushroom-men and big, ugly cats. Also there was some sort of tragedy involving a dog.

Having explored the entirety of the forest, I had only three things left unchecked on my to-do list: a) Fight the hydra, B) Explore deeper into the Catacombs, or C) Go back to Anor Londo.

I really wasn’t interested in any of these options, but apparently my nebulous objective resided in Anor Londo, so it was time for me to stop putting it off and try my hand at getting into that castle again.

I traveled back up through Darkroot Garden and Sen’s Fortress, eventually meeting up with the bat-demons that would carry me over the walls into the city of giants. As we came up over the wall, I could feel a sense of dread wash over me, remembering all of those deaths at the hands of those damnable archers. Would this time be any different? All I could do was hope.

I ran past the sentinels into the alcove with the bonfire. I rested to mark my progress, and dashed down to the bridge. At the other end, I weaved under a sentinel’s legs and fought the demons on the ledge behind him. I stared down the buttress to the tower where things could go wrong so quickly.

I inched down, and baited the demons out from around their corners. I ran back up to the ledge, and one of the demons jumped off the side of the tower at me, plummeting to its doom. From there, it was simply a matter of patiently striking the remaining demon until it collapsed.

Standing behind the wall that separated me from the archers and their massive bolts, I breathed in deeply. I ran. I could feel the air warp around me as the arrows flew by me. Made it to the centre tower. I waited for the hail of arrows to stop before I dashed around to the other side and almost leaped up the final buttress.

I stood on the ledge, facing one of the archers. For the moment, the second one couldn’t see me, but he’d figure out to move a few feet over soon enough. I raised my shield to deflect the nearby archer’s continued volley as I slowly pressed forward. He gave up as I drew closer and exchanged bow for blade. He struck me quickly and fiercely, but his sword came in contact with the centre of my shield, and the force of the rebound knocked him backwards, clear off the ledge.

I don’t know how long I stood there, staring down into the void below, shouting unintelligibly in relief. It wasn’t until an arrow from the second archer clashed into the wall beside my head that my mind snapped back. I clambered around the side of the castle wall, nearly losing my footing to a mix of panic and excitement. Just around the corner, the ledge dropped off and below lied a small balcony. There was no way back up, but there was nothing for me back there anyway, so I jumped.

The balcony led into a resplendent hallway of ivory and marble. There were doors to either side of me, and a huge spiraling staircase directly in front. I decided to try my luck with the door on the left. I let out a massive sigh of relief to see that the room contained a bonfire, and sitting by that bonfire was my good friend Solaire. I took a seat next to him, and he offered me some words of encouragement as I rested.

Taking my leave, I began exploring the rest of the castle. It was a nightmarish place, brimming with mimics and highly skilled silver knights. These knights were more than a cut above any enemy I’d previously faced. They were fast, and able to anticipate and block my attacks with unprecedented accuracy. I thought that perhaps this was a good time to recall my fencing training and practice my parrying.

It was a long, drawn-out process, and I saw the words You Died many, many times as I traversed the castle interior. The silver knights did not goof around; the ones carrying spears were more manageable than their sword-bearing brothers, but none went down without a fight. Eventually I reached the rooftop, which only led me to more archers, though they were considerably easier to deal with on an open playing field.

I circled back and forth through the hallways and rooms of the castle, eventually finding myself on a ledge above the main hall. Below I could see two dressed-up sentinels patiently waiting to swat intruders. At the far end was the massive castle door, in the opposite was a Fog Wall. I did what any sane fellow would do, and followed the ledge up to the far end of the room, where I noticed a missing panel in a beautiful stained glass window.

Poking my head out, I could see goodies lined up on a series of ledges outside the window. I hopped out eagerly to retrieve them, and only then did I notice that I wasn’t able to pull myself back inside. I hopped down to a lower ledge, suspended right behind the gate sentinels, and climbed down behind the gate opposite of the one that led to the archer buttress. I unlocked the gate to make a shortcut for myself, but didn’t notice the horde of demons creeping up behind me as I did so. You Died.

Tune in next time for Part 27: TITS!