Video Games – Page 54

On Brothers who might Smash

The days are very slowly creeping by as I wait for the release of the newest Smash Bros games. Of course, the wait is made all the worse by it actually being two waits: one to the 3DS version on October 3rd, and the other to some undetermined time in December for the Wii U version. Truth be told, I’m not totally keen on playing Smash on my 3DS, but I’m sure my mind will change once the game is in my hands.

Information has been trickling out bit by bit through Nintendo Directs and via Masahiro Sakurai’s Miiverse posts. Much like Brawl’s Dojo website, each weekday, a new screenshot is posted on Miiverse, showing off a game element such as moves, items, or stages. Sometimes it’s just a little thing like a certain stage hazard, but on occasion, entire characters have been revealed through Miiverse.

Just yesterday, three characters were revealed in this fashion: Lucina and Robin from Fire Emblem: Awakening, along with the return of Captain Falcon. Now, I don’t know anything about the Fire Emblem series, but Ike managed to quickly become one of my favourite fighters in Brawl, so I’m not going to write these two off even though they’re not immediately interesting to me. Lucina seems to be a clone of Marth, which is ho-hum, but Robin is both a mage and a swordsman, and looks like he (or she, as the character can be gender-flipped) could be a really neat character to play.

All of that is besides the point though. What I want to do here is come up with a bunch of characters that I’d like to see introduced in this edition of Smash Bros. Partly because I’m a giddy fanboy, and partly because it’ll help me pass the time until I can actually play the game and learn the complete character roster.

I don’t have quite enough solid ideas to make up a weekly feature that’ll last until the game’s release, so I won’t promise to post regular updates (because I’m sure you care so much), but I am going to try to make this the new weekly feature. Starting tomorrow. I don’t quite have my ducks in a row even for my first post yet, so check back tomorrow, and every following Wednesday until September 24th if you want to see the depths of my insanity as reflected through Super Smash Bros.

(Keeping in mind that the game releases on Sept 13th in Japan, so any “speculation” made after that is pretty moot, but I’ll be avoiding spoilers until I actually have the game.)

Next: Classic Wario

Vacation time and a new baby

Last week was my first week-long vacation since September, and man, when you wait that long between vacations, it feels good to be off for so long. Especially when you don’t do anything with that week besides catching up on your video games and Netflix backlogs. Many years ago, a vacation week would have been put to good use with comic drawing and writing for this blog, but I didn’t even think about touching my PC until Saturday night. To say that I accomplished nothing of value would be an understatement.

Actually, I did mow my lawn and tidied up my basement a little, so I suppose that technically I did get a few things done. Though I likely would have done those on a not-vacation week anyway. And I spent a few mornings sitting out in the sun with a book, so there’s an activity that I guess isn’t a complete waste of time. Why reading is considered a more legitimate hobby than any other type of media consumption is a mystery to me.

Oh, also I began recording a new set of Pop-Tarts Reviews, so you can look forward to those at some undetermined point in the future.

The big news of the week is that my entertainment unit is now home to a Playstation 3. Heresy, I know! But it came at the low, low price of $9, as my brother had recently moved up to an Xbox One, and all I had to do to adopt his PS3 was to buy a new power cable for it. The poor thing had been living between the bed of his truck and my parents’ shed for the last few months, so I’m happy to be able to give it a loving home.

Alas, now that I’ve got the thing, it seems like there are far fewer exclusive titles for it that interest me than I had thought. Currently the only games that I have on it are Tokyo Jungle, which I love with all of my heart, and a handful of PSOne Classics that I’d previously purchased on my PSP. Literally the only other games for it that I really want are Valkyria Chronicles and Drakengard 3. It’s pretty likely that I’ll be buying the HD Kingdom Hearts collections at some point, and probably Tales of Symphonia Chronicles, but I wouldn’t place those as sure bets.

I’m trying to resist the HD port of Shadow of the Colossus, but I think we all know that it is my destiny to buy it and play it over and over forever. It’s funny how a game that I didn’t like very much at first has become one of my all-time favourite video games. Favourite PS2 game, at the very least.

Dark Souls: Return to Anor Londo

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan spun her wheels in the forest for a little while, slaughtering mushroom-men and big, ugly cats. Also there was some sort of tragedy involving a dog.

Having explored the entirety of the forest, I had only three things left unchecked on my to-do list: a) Fight the hydra, B) Explore deeper into the Catacombs, or C) Go back to Anor Londo.

I really wasn’t interested in any of these options, but apparently my nebulous objective resided in Anor Londo, so it was time for me to stop putting it off and try my hand at getting into that castle again.

I traveled back up through Darkroot Garden and Sen’s Fortress, eventually meeting up with the bat-demons that would carry me over the walls into the city of giants. As we came up over the wall, I could feel a sense of dread wash over me, remembering all of those deaths at the hands of those damnable archers. Would this time be any different? All I could do was hope.

I ran past the sentinels into the alcove with the bonfire. I rested to mark my progress, and dashed down to the bridge. At the other end, I weaved under a sentinel’s legs and fought the demons on the ledge behind him. I stared down the buttress to the tower where things could go wrong so quickly.

I inched down, and baited the demons out from around their corners. I ran back up to the ledge, and one of the demons jumped off the side of the tower at me, plummeting to its doom. From there, it was simply a matter of patiently striking the remaining demon until it collapsed.

Standing behind the wall that separated me from the archers and their massive bolts, I breathed in deeply. I ran. I could feel the air warp around me as the arrows flew by me. Made it to the centre tower. I waited for the hail of arrows to stop before I dashed around to the other side and almost leaped up the final buttress.

I stood on the ledge, facing one of the archers. For the moment, the second one couldn’t see me, but he’d figure out to move a few feet over soon enough. I raised my shield to deflect the nearby archer’s continued volley as I slowly pressed forward. He gave up as I drew closer and exchanged bow for blade. He struck me quickly and fiercely, but his sword came in contact with the centre of my shield, and the force of the rebound knocked him backwards, clear off the ledge.

I don’t know how long I stood there, staring down into the void below, shouting unintelligibly in relief. It wasn’t until an arrow from the second archer clashed into the wall beside my head that my mind snapped back. I clambered around the side of the castle wall, nearly losing my footing to a mix of panic and excitement. Just around the corner, the ledge dropped off and below lied a small balcony. There was no way back up, but there was nothing for me back there anyway, so I jumped.

The balcony led into a resplendent hallway of ivory and marble. There were doors to either side of me, and a huge spiraling staircase directly in front. I decided to try my luck with the door on the left. I let out a massive sigh of relief to see that the room contained a bonfire, and sitting by that bonfire was my good friend Solaire. I took a seat next to him, and he offered me some words of encouragement as I rested.

Taking my leave, I began exploring the rest of the castle. It was a nightmarish place, brimming with mimics and highly skilled silver knights. These knights were more than a cut above any enemy I’d previously faced. They were fast, and able to anticipate and block my attacks with unprecedented accuracy. I thought that perhaps this was a good time to recall my fencing training and practice my parrying.

It was a long, drawn-out process, and I saw the words You Died many, many times as I traversed the castle interior. The silver knights did not goof around; the ones carrying spears were more manageable than their sword-bearing brothers, but none went down without a fight. Eventually I reached the rooftop, which only led me to more archers, though they were considerably easier to deal with on an open playing field.

I circled back and forth through the hallways and rooms of the castle, eventually finding myself on a ledge above the main hall. Below I could see two dressed-up sentinels patiently waiting to swat intruders. At the far end was the massive castle door, in the opposite was a Fog Wall. I did what any sane fellow would do, and followed the ledge up to the far end of the room, where I noticed a missing panel in a beautiful stained glass window.

Poking my head out, I could see goodies lined up on a series of ledges outside the window. I hopped out eagerly to retrieve them, and only then did I notice that I wasn’t able to pull myself back inside. I hopped down to a lower ledge, suspended right behind the gate sentinels, and climbed down behind the gate opposite of the one that led to the archer buttress. I unlocked the gate to make a shortcut for myself, but didn’t notice the horde of demons creeping up behind me as I did so. You Died.

Tune in next time for Part 27: TITS!

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up: June 2014

June, much like May, was a month where I played far too many games, and as such, ended up with a lot of half-finished stuff on my plate. Most of the games that I did finish were either short new games or short replays. My goal for the year was to clear out some of my backlog, not to clog it up even more.

Doesn’t help that I’ve got a few drawn-out and/or notoriously difficult games on the go here. I really need to remember in the future to only be playing one RPG at a time.

~ Now Playing ~

Mario Kart 8 (WiiU) – I wanted to skip this one, as I felt that I was done with Mario Kart. But it’s like, the one game that the wife wanted, so we got it. And then I ended up loving it. Stupid Mario Kart, being so fun.

Shovel Knight (WiiU) – Sweet Jesus God, I had no idea how amazing this game was going to be. I mean, I pledged towards the Kickstarter campaign, so I had faith in it, but it’s even better than I could have ever hoped. I did beat it already, but I’m playing again in New Game+, and probably another couple times for some cheevos. I really love this game.

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep (PSP) – I always wonder, when a movie or game or TV series starts to expand, if the writers had the whole plot laid out from the very beginning, or if they’re just flying by the seat of their pants the whole time. The Kingdom Hearts series, I’m convinced, falls into the latter category. When even the prequel -which should probably be the one with the simplest plot- is a big confusing mess, you get the feeling that they’re likely just using a plot dartboard. At least they’re pretty fun to play, and I especially like the skill system in this one. I’ve finished one and a half of the three story paths.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (NES) – Sometimes, you’ve just gotta go back and finish a game that you’ve never beaten without rampant cheating. If you think save states are cheating, then yes, I’m still going through the game dishonestly, but at least I’m not an invincible god with unlimited magic and moon jumps. Also, I really wish Zelda II were a better game.

Chrono Trigger (DS) – One of my goals for the year is to earn all 13 endings in Chrono Trigger. So far I’ve gotten three. The second playthrough is going pretty quickly though. If I wasn’t spreading my gaming time around so liberally, I’d probably be finished this little endeavour by this point.

Costume Quest (PC) – One of my other goals is to start playing through the hundreds of games I’ve bought in Humble Bundles and Steam sales over the last couple years (all aboard the Steam Train~), and Costume Quest fits nicely into the center of the “short” and “runs on my PC” venn diagram. Too bad it’s not very fun.

Rage of the Gladiator (3DS) – Still picking away at this one, but the hardest difficulty (which awards the true ending) is, well, hard. Suddenly the enemies who were total jokes before can kill me before I get one hit in. Wonderful.

Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii) – Didn’t really have a goal here, just spent a whole afternoon playing Smash Bros to see if I could still spend a whole afternoon playing Smash Bros. Completed the boss rush with a few guys, and failed to win All-Star mode with Link nearly a dozen times. I think I may suck at Smash.

Papers, Please (PC) – Started this up on a whim and got hooked right away. Played for about two hours, and had I not been dragged away and imprisoned for doing my job too well (ending #3), I probably could have kept going on through the night. I’m definitely going to keep playing for more endings.

Donkey Kong Country 2 (SNES) – I played the crap out of DKCs 1 and 3 back when they were current, but never really got into 2. Can’t say why for sure, I suppose it came out at a time when there were more attractive games to rent? Anyway, the end is nigh for this one, and it has been a brutal trip. I want to go for the best ending, but will I have the drive to find all of those dastardly DK Coins?

Golden Sun (GBA) – You know, if I played this more than once every few weekends, I’d probably be done by now. I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s got the nice nostalgia value, and I likethe puzzles, but the battles are awfully tedious. And the dialogue! Oh my goodness, shut up!

Final Fantasy IV DS (DS) – I think that this game is only taking so long to beat because I’m afraid of how hard the final boss will be. So afraid, in fact, that I even took the time to fight all the optional bosses before I tackled the final dungeon. It’s… really hard to get through the final dungeon too, when even the more common random battles can wipe your party in a matter of seconds.

~ Game Over ~

Ittle Dew (Wii U) – At first it looks a lot like somebody made a Legend of Zelda game that looks like Scott Pilgrim, and that is actually fairly accurate. Only the gameplay leans very, very heavily on block-pushing puzzles. Sometimes there are also block-teleporting puzzles. Or a mix of the two! And then some really misplaced boss fights. Ah well, it was good fun.

Abyss (Wii U) – A game about navigating mazes while trying to control your little eyeball-squid-monster’s propulsion. I thought it was a completely different kind of game before I bought it, but I ended up liking it anyway, so that’s $2 well spent. Hooray!

Mega Man Xtreme 2 (GBC) – Technically, I guess it’s better than the first one, but it’s just didn’t grab me the way I thought it would. Then again, I think the only reason I was so excited to play Xtreme 1 was because of nostalgia. Xtreme 2 has no such advantage.

Doom 64 (N64) – As much as I love Doom, this game is just so different from what Doom was before that I couldn’t really get into it. Still way better than Doom 3, though.

~ Re-Runs ~

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (360) – It’s not the worst brawler, but it’s pretty darn bad. I played through the game in Time Attack mode to round up the last few achievements. Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to burn through the game the second time around.

Klonoa: Empire of Dreams (GBA) – I know that I did rent this game when it first came out, and that I spent a lot of time playing it in class, but I can’t recall for the life of me if I beat it or not. It was highly unusual for Young Ryan to leave a game unfinished though, so we’ll call my playthough of it on the Wii U Virtaul console a re-run.

Super Mario Bros (NES) – I beat 8-3 in a single life, without taking a hit! It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done!

I Love Katamari (iOS) – Occasionally, to kill time, I attempt to play video games on my phone. Most of those games end up being terrible, and this one is just barely an exception. I’m not saying it’s good, but I’ve seen tilt-control games go horribly awry, and I Love Katamari at least works. Still, it’s a shabby cash-in that only wishes it could be as engaging as its big brothers. Anyway, I just poked around on this one for a bit to complete the item collection and get the final cheevo.

Year of N64 – June – DOOM 64

My frame of reference for the DOOM series (I’m just going to capitalize the D from now on) exists in a time somewhere between 1994 and 2000. Doom II was one of the few full-version computer games we had back then that I was keenly interested in, and I played it was the only one. Of course, at some point, my taste for Doom and similar games (Wolfenstein, Duke Nukem 3D, etc) waned and I moved on to newer, fancier computer games.

Doom 64 doesn’t have the greatest reputation. It’s not particularly hated or anything, but the internet’s collective opinion is that the original games are better. In the interest of finding out for sure, I made sure to play through the entirety of the Xbox port of Doom so that I could have more than faded memories to make a comparison to.

The original Doom is fantastic. It’s a simplistic game that doesn’t even let you look along the vertical axis, but it felt much more satisfying to play than most modern first-person shooters. The first two chapters are breezy fun, the third dials it up to push your abilities, and the fourth (an add-on scenario) is simply there to beat you into the ground. What’s most remarkable is that Doom feels really great to play with a controller, as opposed to the keyboard controls (sans-mouse) that I was shackled to in my youth.

Having completed the entirety of Doom for the very first time, and having enjoyed roughly 95% of it (there are some really cheap traps later on), I was riding high and expecting Doom 64 to be a similar experience.

But then it turns out that Doom 64 is poop from a butt.

My very first mistake was playing on a difficulty level that was too much for me. I had chosen “Hurt Me Plenty” on Doom, which is the default setting and equates to what the “Normal” setting would be in other games. Doom 64 phrases it differently, where the equivalent is “I Own Doom.” Sure, it’s the default difficulty, and also a statement of fact. Why would I choose any other setting?

Assuming that it is, in fact, the average difficulty setting, Doom 64 is a brutal game. I was killed twice before I was able to finish the first stage. Secret doors containing monsters open silently behind you. The Average Joe Zombie has a very accurate shot. Rooms are filled with up to eight monsters.

None of this is helped by that fact that playing similar games on an Xbox 360 controller and then an N64 controller is like going from a fork to chopsticks. I figured that all my N64 playing over the last few months would have eased me into the controller, but it turned out to be a massive source of woes for me. I blame it entirely no having used the vastly superior 360 controller immediately beforehand, and it really shows how difficult it can be to adapt to different controllers.

I need to make it very clear though, that Doom 64 lets you customize your controls any damn way you like. Every function is remappable, and you can make changes to your control scheme at any point. It’s a really handy feature, as the default control setup is kinda weird. The only downside is that custom setups aren’t saved, and you have to remap all your buttons each time you power on.

The next big gripe about Doom 64 is the general atmosphere. the graphics, for one, are much darker and more bland than in the PC games. This is to accommodate a generally more horror-focused aesthetic. Doom has always been “scary” in that it incorporates monsters and gore, but the first two PC games were more about stright-up action than trying to frighten you. Doom 64 has this all backwards. The PC games have interesting, colourful visuals, while Doom 64 is awash in browns and grays.

I do appreciate that the team tried to make the graphics more detailed (which they are!), but they killed a lot of the character in the sprites by removing most of their colours.

The sound design has also gone entirely to pot. Doom’s characteristic heavy metal MIDIs have been replaced with subdues, spooky ambiance tracks. This is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. More importantly though, the monsters barely make any sounds unless they’re attacking you. Being able to hear monsters lurking about was a very important part of Doom; you would usually know when a monster was lurking about by the hisses and growls echoing through the halls. Now, pretty much every encounter is a surprise, and monsters will be able to sneak up behind you with no problem at all.

So after having painfully made my way through one and a half stages, I quit, took a week-long breather, and started up again on the next rung down the difficulty ladder, “Bring It On!”

Let me also take an aside here to mention that Doom 64 does not save your game. It uses passwords, which is kinda bonkers. The nice thing is that the passwords save your state (health, armor, guns/ammo) as well as which level you’re on, which is nice. If they only saved your level, it would be a massive pain in the hiney to tackle later levels with only a pistol. No saving is still a big pain though, as mid-stage saves saved me a lot of time when going through the original game. Having to restart a level from the beginning after each death is a little disheartening. I hate sounding like a spoiled brat, but that’s what I am.

Not everything about Doom 64 is bad, though. I really like a lot of the level designs, they feel a lot bigger and more ambitious than in the older games. I suppose that stands to reason though. It’s not like a lot of games get smaller and humbler with each sequel. It’s really just too bad that the designers didn’t seem to have many good ideas for traps. It seems like they decided early on that having enemies appear out of thin air behind you was going to be their bread and butter. Still, the actual architecture of the stages is usually impressive, and I enjoyed navigating and solving them.

Doom 64 features the usual Doom weaponry, including Doom II’s super (double-barreled) shotgun and the totally sweet double chainsaw. It also has a new weapon that’s unique to only this game: the Unmaker. It’s an alien-tech laser gun, which doesn’t seem all that impressive at first. However, if you take the trouble to find the secret stages, each one contains a collectible artifact that adds to the Unmaker’s power. The first one speeds up its fire rate, and the second and third give it double and triple beams respectively. Even if you only find the one artifact, the sped-up Unmaker is a pretty awesome gun, burning through even Barons of Hell like a hot knife through butter. It’s pretty great.

The monsters in Doom 64 may at fist appear to be new, but really, they’re mostly your old favourites with fancy makeovers. Some are pretty familiar, like the standard zombies and the pinkies, but you probably won’t recognize Doom 64’s imp as an imp until you’re already choking down fireballs. Cacodemons and pain elementals have likewise gotten new sprites that barely resemble their older incarnations. The one new monster is barely new at all. Nightmare imps are just translucent blue imps, with purple fireballs that fly quite a bit faster than the standard imp’s. Doom 64 does have a unique final boss, the Mother Demon. She’s ugly and can tear you apart in record time (that also works the other way around with a powered-up Unmaker), but she looks pretty dumb. Kinda like a big, fleshy bug, if you ask me.

In the end, Doom 64 is caught in a weird place. On one hand, I really like a lot of the levels. On the other hand, pretty much everything else is different in a bad way. It’s reminiscent of Doom, but it doesn’t really feel like Doom, if that makes any sense at all. There really isn’t any reason to play Doom 64. Regardless of whether you’re looking to play a Doom game or an N64 shooter, there are a handful of better choices out there. Even if you’re intent on playing through the entire Doom canon, you might be better off trying one of the fan-made PC ports. Poor Doom 64 just isn’t quite the game it should be.

Can you dig it?

The new Smash Bros and Captain Toad game are still a ways off, but my knee-jerk reaction here is that Shovel Knight is going to be my 2014 Game of the Year. The fates have conspired to keep me from spending too much time with it over the past two days, but after playing the first three levels, I’m pretty sure that I’m in love. This is exactly what a retro-styled game should be.

If you own a current Nintendo system or a PC, this is required playing. It will figure quite heavily onto your final exam.

Dark Souls: Throw Me a Frickin’ Bone

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan splurged on a really expensive magical trinket, and got pulverized by a jacked-up mushroom-man.

Dusting my hollowed self off, I got up and left the bonfire to travel through the mushroom-infested forest again. Having the ghostly figures in the first section jump to their dooms again earned a tidy profit of souls on the way, adding nicely to the figure I recovered from my bloodstain.

My second encounter with the mushroom-men went much more smoothly than the first. I took a few wallops, each requiring a couple swigs of estus to recover from, but ultimately the key to winning against them is to take it very slowly. Their punches hurt like nothing else, but they’re also very slow. Mushroom-men aren’t hard to kill, but it might take you all day to get the job done.

After defeating the two large mushrooms guarding the chest (an Enchanted Ember), I thought about slaughtering the harmless little mushrooms that were just minding their own business, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I may have been undead, but that didn’t make me a bad person.

Past the mushroom grove was a massive set of doors, even bigger than the ones that I opened with the Crest of Artorias. I could also see a white mist seeping through the seams, and I decided that I did not feel like a boos encounter at this point.

I turned tail and ran all the way back to Andre, who I figured would be able to put my Enchanted Ember to good use, but he said that he couldn’t do anything with it. I’d have to find another forge to give this bauble to.

I returned to the forest, but explored the far half of the first section a little more thoroughly this time. Past the innumerable weed monsters, I found a path made up of ledges and ladders that led into and across the ravine, up to the other half of the forest. It seemed like a roundabout way of getting over there, since taking the bridge was much easier and a more direct path. I was able to get a good glimpse at the hydra in the basin below. It was by a very wide margin the biggest creature I’d ever seen, and I didn’t have even the slightest motivation to get anywhere near the thing again.

At the other end of this unusual trail was a small clearing. Around it was slightly elevated ground, lined very neatly with trees. It looked almost like a cage created by nature. On the other side of the tree line, I saw a large shadow stalking about. I crept close enough to get a better glimpse, and saw that it was a huge feline. The beast’s fur was thick and spiny, and its wide, toothy jaw looked like something out of a nightmare.

I decided that it would be best to try to engage the big cat from a distance. I stood by the ladder leading into the ravine, ready to bail if the beast charged me, and took aim with my bow and arrow. My first shot hit its mark. The cat turned toward me and charged, but stopped at the tree line and started to slowly back away, never breaking its eye contact with me.

It repeated this pattern indefinitely, as if it was afraid to step down into the lower clearing. So I just shot it to death with arrows. Two more cats showed up, but they just did the same stupid thing and I shot them both to death as well. It took a long time, and well over 100 arrows, but I felled them all without breaking a sweat. It was weird, but I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

As a bonus, the cat monsters didn’t reappear when I rested at a bonfire, as most other monsters did. So I’ll never know what was going on with them, but that’s alright.

Fresh off of my victory against the cats, I pushed open the misty doors with confidence and waltzed through them with a swagger. Past them was another clearing, this one much bigger, and lined on all sides with slippery rock formations. In the very center was an absolutely massive tombstone, and an equally gigantic sword thrust into the ground in front of it.

I strode forward to check it out, but before I got too close a giant dog leapt out of nowhere, pulled the sword from the earth with its mouth, and then started swinging it at me. A huge dog, swordfighting me. And I thought that I’d seen it all.

The dog was not a great swordfighter though, and I felled him without too much trouble. And by trouble, I mean physical resistance from the dog. I really didn’t want to kill or even fight the oversized canine, as he was the most adorable thing I’d seen since I woke up in the Demon Asylum. In fact, he was the only thing I’d seen in Lordran that wasn’t some sort of hideous beast. So, yeah, I had some emotional resistance to stabbing him. I kinda just wanted to give him a big hug and scratch his tummy.

For my troubles, I was awarded a ring called the Covenant of Artorias. It didn’t seem overly useful at the time, and this was one trinket that I found no pride in having acquired.

Tune in next time for Part 26: Return to Anor Londo

Impressions on Nintendo’s E3 2014 Digital Event

I only ever watch Nintendo’s E3 presentations, because aside from maybe one or two specific games, I generally don’t give a flying fig about the other guys’ stuff. I always enjoy Nintendo’s shows, but to be quite frank, this year’s has got me the most excited I’ve been in a good long while. Let’s go over it point-by-point.

Oh, and here’s an embed of the full presentation, if you feel so inclined to watch it for yourself. I’ve embedded a few choice trailers later on, too.

The Presentation

The opening and a few little skits in between game-related segments were all done up Robot Chicken-style. And I don’t mean in a style reminiscent of Robot Chicken. I mean that I wouldn’t be surprised if Seth Green and company actually had a hand in creating the animated scenes. It was a dead-on likeness, and the skits used pretty much the exact same type of humour that the show is known for, albeit a little softer to keep it family-friendly.

While the internet seems to have mixed feelings about it, I personally loved it. It was much more interesting than just having Reggie and whoever else up on stage bleating about business strategy or whatever. Reggie’s part was actually pretty short, too, and his animated double stepped aside less than halfway through the show to let the games and their developers do the talking.

Super Smash Bros

The first game up was Super Smash Bros for 3DS and Wii U. It still doesn’t have a real title, and at this point I don’t think it ever will. Whatever. That’s hardly important.

What matter is that Miis have been revealed to join the fight, and they look awesome. There are three types of Miis to choose from: Brawlers, who are bare-handed; Swordfighters, who obviously carry a sword; and Gunners, who have a really cool gun-arm. Not only can you import your Miis into the game, but you can also dress them up in a variety of hats and different costumes. Oh, and they look like they’ll be a lot of fun to play as, too.

Masahiro Sakurai talked about the game for a bit, and then showed a very quick montage of clips, which I’m sure held plenty of new info, but I haven’t gone over it to pick it apart yet. It really doesn’t matter. It’s Smash Bros. The only thing that disappoints me is that the “summer” release date of the 3DS version is October 3rd. In what crazy fantasy world is that considered summer?

At the end of the show, Palutena from the Kid Icarus franchise was also confirmed as a new fighter, with a very anime intro video. I’m not totally sold on her yet, but hey, the more the merrier, right? Her trailer also suggested that Dark Pit will be in the game in some capacity. Whether he shows up as a playable character or just an assist trophy, we don’t yet know.

It wasn’t a part of the big presentation, but a Pac-Man intro trailer showed up overnight. I’m still in a little disbelief, but really, it makes perfect sense. You’ve got Mario, Mega Man, and Sonic all in the same game already. Pac-Man fits right in there with the big names of classic gaming. Of course, Bandai-Namco is also helping develop the games, so… Pac-Man seems like he’ll be a fun fighter to use. If nothing else, he’ll be fun to watch, with all his wacky moves and goofy sound effects. His trailer also confirmed Mr. Game & Watch’s return, which is just gravy at this point.

Amiibo

Nintendo’s entry into the world of selling plastic figures as add-ons to your video games. At first they seem like an evil scheme to bilk you out of even more money, but unlike Skylanders and Disney Infinity, they don’t seem to be necessary to enjoy the full content of the games they link to. Well, not for Smash Bros, anyway.

While Nintendo has plans to launch Amiibos for a handful of different games, they only showed what the figures will do in Smash. There, they will simply contain AI fighters that you can swipe into your game. These fighters will level-up and adjust their playstyles over time, which seems like a really cool feature. I might pick up one or two because they look neat. I’m just relieved that they’re an entirely optional thing.

Yoshi’s Woolly World

I’ve been waiting for more news on this one very patiently, and the wait finally paid off! There was a pretty big feature on the game and how it was conceived, which was a pretty interesting segment. I loved Kirby’s Epic Yarn to death, and I could not be more thrilled that Yoshi is getting a similar treatment.

The thing is that Kirby’s Epic Yarn was a pretty huge deviation from the normal Kirby formula. It was an entirely unique game with a beautiful visual style. Yoshi is even prettier, but seems to be hewing pretty close to the Yoshi’s Island style of gameplay that we’re very familiar with. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, because Yoshi’s New Island turned out pretty darn well on that front. I would like to see Woolly World go in a different direction, but I’ll just have to put my faith in Tezuka.

I also really want a crochet Yoshi now.

Captain Toad Treasure Tracker

After playing Super Mario 3D World, I found that I wanted an entire game based on the Captain Toad stages really badly. I even made a Miiverse post or two to that effect.

Not once did I ever think that Nintendo would actually make that game.

But there it is, in all its glory. You know what? Not once have I ever thought that I’d be drooling over a game starring Toad, either. But here we are. I often don’t care about Nintendo’s weird little spin-off games, but the Captain toad levels in 3D World were just so much fun that this is going to be an absolute Day One purchase. I’m still not clear on whether it’s going to be a full retail release or a smaller eShop game, but either way, “Holiday 2014” can’t come fast enough.

The Legend of Zelda Wii U

It’s not even far enough into development to have a real name yet, but God damn did the teaser look gorgeous. And it’s in-engine, too! I love the idea of making the world more open so that you can tackle challenges in whichever way you like.

What’s most immediately interesting though, is that Aonuma suggested that the character in the teaser may not be Link. After seeing it, I immediately turned to the wife and asked “Is Link a girl this time?” The character is considerably more feminine than Link has ever been. It’d be quite a neat twist if Link were a girl this time. Or if Zelda turned out to be the hero!

Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire

Remakes of the third generation Pokémon games. There isn’t really a lot to say about them yet, but I think I’m probably quite a bit more excited about these than most. Sapphire Version was my re-introduction to Pokémon after several years of having let the series pass me by, and I hold it quite dear to my heart because of that. Most people just seem to think that Gen III was trash though. Nuts to those guys. Gen III gave us Blaziken and Walrein and Altaria. I really like Gen III, is what I’m saying.

Also, Mega Swampert is a totally boss, Hulked-out monster. I love it!

Bayonetta 2

I had no interest in Bayonetta 2 at all until yesterday. I’ll admit that I was forcing myself to be indifferent to it because I didn’t play the first game at all. I still didn’t much care for it until they showed that the first game would be packaged in with retail copies, and that you can dress up Bayonetta as Princess Peach, Link, and Samus.

Two games for the price of one? Fun, sexy cosplay times?

This is why I only care about Nintendo’s presentations. They know how to push my buttons.

Hyrule Warriors

I’ve never played a game in the Dynasty Warriors series, and I plan to keep it that way. However, I will buy pretty much anything relating to Zelda, so I’ve been watchign this one with a keen eye. And a much keener eye now that Zelda has been confirmed to be a playable character. I honestly don’t know if I’d rather play as her or Impa, who is a major badass here. Honestly, Link just looks so plain and boring in comparison.

It might not be a big problem when the final product arrives though, as Aonuma said that the game will have tons of characters to choose from. There are four revealed now, and I’m pretty excited about what they’re still hiding up their sleeve.

Not having ever played a Warriors game of any description before, I also get the nice bonus of this being a totally new style of gameplay for me. Running around a battlefield, chopping hundreds of monsters to bits? Taking on huge Zelda bosses in a more fast-paced environment? Playing co-op with the wife? Yes, yes, and yes! Sign me up already!

Kirby and the Rainbow Curse

Kirby: Canvas Curse remains one of my most beloved games on the original DS, and I nearly blew a gasket when I saw that there’s going to be a Wii U sequel.

That same gasket then succeeded in blowing when I realized that the graphics are all done in an adorable claymation style.

Xenoblade Chronicles X

I don’t much care for how gosh-darned anime it looks, but if it’s as engrossing to play as the first Xenoblade Chronicles, I’ll gladly plug another 150 hours into this one. And the Nopon are back, so hooray!

Ugh, but seriously. It’s so freaking anime. Gross.

And I hope the final title is something a little less… dumb.

Mario Maker

It’s exactly what it sounds like. A Nintendo-sanctioned program that lets you build, share, and play your very own Mario levels. It’s really nice to see an official version after the various illegitimate PC editors, but it’s kinda sad that it only includes assets from Super Mario Bros and New Super Mario Bros. So none of the more interesting stuff. Oh well. I’m sure that assets from other games will become paid DLC, and I’m sure that I’ll be more than willing to fork over that cash when the time comes.

Splatoon

A wholly new game for Wii U, and a team-based online (third-person) shooter at that! It’s a goofy paintball game though, so it’s kid-friendly, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be any less fun. No, in fact, this is the first shooter in years that has my full attention.

The gimmick here is that you can cover the arena in you team’s colour of paint, and your avatar can turn into a squid to swim through and hide in that paint. It looks like there’s a certain level of strategy involved, and that just swimming and bouncing around the stages will be a whole lot of fun. Honestly, I think I could actually spend as much time playing this as I did Unreal Tournament. And let me tell you, I played a lot of Unreal Tournament back in the day. I think it probably still holds the record for PC game that I’ve put the most time into.

All of that was enough to take in, but there were plenty of other games that didn’t make the cut and were only seen on the show floor. Everything on 3DS that isn’t Pokémon, for example. Also a new Star Fox game and a couple new projects that Miyamoto is working on.

Immediate buzz is that Nintendo won E3 this year, and if I had seen anything from any of the competition, I’d be able to agree. If nothing else, the Wii U has a friggin’ excellent bunch of software in the pipe. Hopefully that’s what it needs to turn its lagging sales around. Mario Kart 8 was a massive shot in the arm, and a showing like this can only make things better.

Yeah, so. 2015 is going to be a pretty expensive year. If you start to see me hanging out on the streets in the seedier parts of town late at night, it’s probably because I need to bring in some extra income so that I can buy all these darned video games.

Final Fantasy: All The Boringest

I know I said before that I’m not intending to use my new tablet as a gaming device, but the fact of the matter is that it’s a new toy, and I need to put it through its paces. That and I’d kinda like to have one or two little games I can poke at for a for a few minutes before bed, or when I don’t have enough time left in my lunch break to finish another chapter in a book.

So I browsed whatever it is that they call the Android app store, to see what kind of games are popular with tablet users. As expected, it was pretty much all stuff I’ve never heard of and didn’t look interesting to me. Also there was Minecraft Pocket Edition for $7, which I’m still mulling over (I give it a couple weeks before I give in). I did try to install a free Minecraft clone just to get my fix, but apparently it’s either broken or incompatible with my device because it refused to download.

In the end, I found myself buried in a page full of pricey mobile ports of classic Final Fantasy titles. I kinda want one, but I really don’t want to pay $16. Then I noticed that one was listed as free. That game is Final Fantasy: All The Bravest. And I’ll tell you right now, that it’s not even worth your zero dollars. If I had a dime for every free mobile game I’ve said that about…

I guess it came out some time ago, but never caught my attention since, as I’ve mentioned many many times, I don’t really use my phone for games. Also it’s a freemium game and I try to stay away from those as much as possible because I hate that model more than anything. I’m not the kind of person who doesn’t want to pay for video games, but I’d much rather pay upfront than play a “free” game and then get shaken down over and over if I want to enjoy the game to its fullest. Just call it a freaking demo already!

The idea of the game is that you have a legion of little dudes based on the myriad of Final Fantasy jobs. You know, knights, monks, mages of all colours. Anyhow, you start with four, and as you level up, your squad will get bigger and bigger until you’re rocking a troupe of 32 guys. You can even bump it up to 40 if you send out a few tweets through the game. So you have this weird thing where it’s a classic FF battle screen, but your side is just swarming with party members instead of having the nice clean lineup of four or five.

The entire game is battling monsters and bosses. The way battles are fought is that you tap on your dudes and they do an attack. Then you wait for their ATB gauge to fill and then tap them again. Do this until the enemy dies. That is literally all there is. Different job do different attack animations, but they all simply attack. It’s mindless and repetitive, not even giving you the satisfaction of feeling like you’re the one who led your team to victory.

So all you do is swipe around the screen and watch as your guys just keep attacking over and over. Until they die, at least, which is often, because every guy on your team dies in a single hit from an enemy. If your team wipes, you have two options. You can wait, as one guy will regenerate every three minutes, so you can just flip over to a book and read for a bit while you wait for your team to recover. The best thing about the game is that when your squad is ready to go again, the alert sound is a little 16-bit chocobo wark.

The other way to recover your team is to use a gold hourglass, which is where things take a sharp turn for the worse. Gold hourglasses, you see, cost real dollars. And they’re only the tip of that iceberg.

While you recruit the 25 generic job class characters as you play through the game, you can also have actual legacy characters join up with you. There are a total of 35 premium characters to buy, but they cost $1.06 each and are handed out randomly. So if you want to have a cute little Rinoa sprite in your party, you might have to pay upwards of $35 before she shows up. It’s terrible.

There are also a few world packs that cost like $4 or something each, which give you a little bang for your buck, since they give you a whole new set of levels, enemies and weapons, rather than just plunking in one random character who may or may not show up in your randomly-selected party.

So if there isn’t anything to the gameplay and the microtransactions are useless and exploitative, what is the appeal of this game? Honestly, I don’t really know. The only thing close to actual FF gameplay is farming enemies for rare weapon drops. I suppose it’s trying to coast on nostalgia, but it does a pretty bad job at that. You can’t see any of the beloved characters without paying out the nose, and even the overworld maps are incredibly generic and lazy. There is a catalog of all the characters, weapons, and enemies you’ve seen that has humorous descriptions to read, but that’s really not enough.

The music is good. There’s that, I guess. It’s all from past FF games, as it should be.

The bottom line is that if you’re looking at the Final Fantasy: All The Bravest page in an app store of some sort, it’s not worth your time. I played through it (and didn’t spend a cent) and I strongly regret the time I spent with it. I could have been doing anything else and been more satisfied. I could have been playing an incomplete, poorly-controlling version of Minecraft instead. You know, that actually sounds pretty good right now…

Dark Souls: Killer Forest

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan explored a cavern filled with skeletons and whatnot, and discovered a very important item.

I climbed out from the twisting caverns of the Catacombs and shielded my eyes from the sunlight. It had been a while since I’d been above ground, and the brightness was a little distracting while I was fighting the skeletons between the cave’s mouth and Firelink Shrine’s bonfire.

At this point, I was rocking a pretty significant surplus of souls, so I sauntered back to Andre’s forge in the Undead Parish. I had the blacksmith upgrade a bit of my gear, and then purchased the outrageously expensive Crest of Artorias from him. I had no idea what horrors that crest kept locked away, but I felt like whatever it was couldn’t be any worse than Anor Londo.

Heading back to the massive set of doors in Darkroot Garden, I slotted the crest into the circular indentation in the middle. The crest shone brightly and the doors opened on their own, revealing a vast forested area. I stepped in cautiously, and before I made it very far, I was accosted by ghostly wizard. He wasn’t like the malicious invaders that I had fought earlier, but he was no less fierce in his onslaught, tossing magical bolts at me like there was no tomorrow.

I defeated the wizard, at a great cost to my health, but as his figure faded from the world, another apparition jumped out from the trees. I had no choice but to run, and I quickly hobbled up the stairway and through the garden’s doors. I hung a quick right and hid in the shadow of the nearby wall, hoping to elude the spectre. But when I leaned against the wall, to my surprise, it simply vanished! Hiding behind this false wall was a most welcome bonfire. Now that I had a nearby rest stop, the woods ahead seemed that much less daunting.

Refreshing at the bonfire, I headed back to the forest. Straight ahead is where the ghosts lurked, and to the left was a cliff that dropped off into nothingness. I decided to see what was over to the right, hugging the wall to avoid and ghostly encounters. Unfortunately, that side of the forest is literally covered with weed-monsters. These guys are harmless if you’re fighting them one-on-one, but in a group of seven or more? Yeah, you’re boned. You Died.

I decided to take my chances with the ghosts again. I figured that at least I’d be able to take them on one at a time. I was wrong. I guess I walked a little too far into the trees, and two of the spooks flanked me on either side. I ran back to the doorway, and hid behind the staircase, hoping that they would lose track of me and go back to whatever they were doing before I showed up.

To my great surprise, both ghosts ran up the staircase and lept off the top, over my head, and into the abyss below. I stood there, dumbfounded, looking into the fog. After a few seconds, their souls floated up and added to my wallet.

That was a freebie.

There were a few more ghosts in the forest, and I decided that despite it being terribly unlikely, I’d try to have them run off the cliff again. And they did. Each and every one of them. I suppose that all of these guys died of massive head wounds.

Moving on, I came to the remains of a small tower that bridged a gorge between the two halves of the forest. Inside the rubble was a large cat-like monster. It noticed me before I walked in, but didn’t attack me. Instead, the creature talked to me. She warned me that the depths of the forest were a sacred place, and that I should turn around and leave. I stated that I had no intention of doing so, which made her quite cross with me. From that point onward, she refused to speak even a word to me.

At least she wasn’t trying to eat my flesh, I suppose.

The far side of the forest was comparatively peaceful. There were no ghosts, or weed monsters, or murderous statues or anything. There were a bunch of little mushroom-looking creatures running about in circles, but they didn’t appear to have any interest in me. I was cautious around them at first, but one came up behind me and simply brushed past me without so much as turning to look at me. Sure, why not?

But there was a darker side to these mushroom folk. In the center of this area was a small pond. In that pond were two much larger mushroom people. They were at least three times the size of the waist-high munchkins that toddled around endlessly. The big ones didn’t move at all. They simply stood watch over a treasure chest seated right in the middle of the pond. Obviously I went for the treasure, and even more obviously, the big mushroom guys didn’t like that much.

One mushroom-man stayed to protect their cache while the other began lumbering towards me. It slowly raised a fist, and I raised my shield to absorb the blow. When it connected, I was launched back several feet, and I’d taken a massive blow to my health. These mushroom-men were not fooling around. I got up and carefully engaged the mushroom. I swiftly evaded his next punch, but when I went to counterattack, he surprised me with a follow-up swing. You Died.

Tune in next week for Part 25: Throw Me a Frickin’ Bone