TE Top 10: Video Games of 2005

It’s that time of year again. The time when we look back and pick out our favourites of everything and anything that happened during the year. Most people do their “top whatever” lists in early December, but I like to hold off until the first week of January so as not to miss anything that might just squeak by. Oh, and my list is one of video games. Just in case.

There are a few rules that certainly have big effects on my list. First and foremost, I don’t include any re-releases, no matter how much of an update they’ve gotten. Also, it is comprised only of games I’ve played. It would be kind of ruin the integrity of the list if I just threw any old game on it. The little problem with this is that I didn’t play a whole lot of games this year. Sure, compared to some people, I may have played a lot, but there wasn’t a whole lot of variety. I probably only rented like five or six games total this year. But oh well. That’s what you get.

That’s pretty much the whole intro. What else is there really to say? I’m gonna be doing enough reflection in the bajillion words below, so I don’t really need any of that here. So yeah. Go.

~ #11 (honourable mention) ~

Trauma Center: Under The Knife

Let me start by explaining the honourable mention. See, I haven’t really played Trauma Center. I have played the demo version, which was in Japanese, but I haven’t played the whole game. And since I haven’t actually played the whole game, I can’t in good faith give it a real spot on the list. But rest assured that if had, it would totally be there. What I did play of Trauma Center was really cool, and somewhat challenging as well. The game has topped my “most wanted” list since long before it came out, but alas, I’ve yet to find it anywhere. The local Electronics Boutiques have both informed me that they won’t be getting any more, and if EB isn’t getting any more, nuts to all the other stores. The only hope I have left is… eBay? Maybe I’m gonna have to investigate the Microplay scene. If anyone ever sees it, there’s a very generous bounty to be claimed… *hint hint*

EDIT: By the time this was posted, I got the game. As expected, it r0x0rz my b0x0rz.

~ #10 ~

Lost in Blue

Lost is Blue is lucky. Lucky that I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy of Trauma Center. It’s also lucky that Metal Gear Solid 3 was just a little too complicated and silly for my tastes. Actually, there are a lot of games I considered for this position, but Lost in Blue is just so neat that I couldn’t deny it.

A sequel to the underappreciated Survival Kids for the Game Boy Colour, Lost in Blue is a sim of a different persuasion. The idea of the game is that you’re stranded on an island with a girl, and you have to survive and find a way off the island. Or just survive. You don’t have to escape if you don’t want to. There are plenty of thins to do on the island, like rummage for food, collect stuff, make that stuff into tools, build furniture, hunt animals, explore, and more. The island provides a ton of stuff to do, and it’s up to you when you want to do it and if you even want to do it at all. the only thing you have to do (if you don’t want to lose) is to keep yourself and the girl alive. Otherwise, it’s all up to you. You’re even provided with the chance to play through as the girl once you complete the game, which offers an entirely different way to play the game.

Such open-ended gameplay usually has one of two effects on people: it either sucks you in completely, or you get bored right away. The only big difference between this and similar games like The Sims or Animal Crossing is that in Lost in Blue you do actually have an objective, so there is something compelling you to move forward. Not to mention that there are like a jillion different endings, based on your actions and relationship with the opposite character. The only real complaint I have to lodge against the game is that animals only appear in one area, and it takes a lot to get up there. Plus, hunting is really hard/requires luck more than anything.

~ #9 ~

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

This is the game I’d been waiting for since the DS was released. Aria of Sorrow is my favourite GBA game, and things could only get better with a sequel, right? Right. While it seems kind of harsh to give Dawn of Sorrow 9th place, it’s not so bad on the grand scale. 9th best of all the games I’ve played this year? Not too bad at all.

Castelvania: Dawn of Sorrow is the continued adventure of Soma Cruz, a regular-type guy who just happened to inherit Dracula’s powers by some cruel twist of fate. In Aria of Sorrow, he had to escape Dracula’s castle and keep from being corrupted by his powers. This time around, he’s in pretty deep, as some crazy cult is out to get him and his powers. The story is of the least importance, however, as the game itself is a testament to what beauty can be created on the DS. The game plays out in two dimensions, but every now and then there’s a 3D background that will just blow you away. The touch screen itself is used rather sparsely, but the fact that there are two screens is the single best improvement in a Castelvania game ever. See, the top screen can be used as a map screen, and that in itself is one capital reason to champion the DS. In any game with a map, especially Castelvania, it’s always a hassle to stop to check the map every few steps/rooms, and Dawn of Sorrow eliminates this issue completely by having the map ready for you at all times.

Even without the pretty graphics and cool features, the gameplay itself is more than noteworthy. Like its predecessor, Dawn of Sorrow uses a system of powerups fueled by the souls of your enemies. Every monster in the game has a soul which you can extract and use to your advantage. Some are simple abilities, like gaining throwing knives or summoning familiars, but others so some really cool stuff like letting you do a super jump or regenerating life. The game is pretty balanced, giving you a challenge while never being overly frustrating. Some bosses might drive you nuts, but a couple level-ups or the right soul combination could remedy the problem easily. There are a few different endings, a lackluster “enemy set” mode that you can challenge your friends to, and a handful of unlockables. Those unlockables include a sound test, a boss rush mode, hard mode, and a special mode that’s almost an entirely different game.

~ #8 ~

The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction

While I’d love to go on and on about this one, it seems I already have. I’d give you a link straight to it, but I’m feeling far too lazy at the moment to figure out the URL and all that shit you need to go through to make a link. So I’ll just type some stuff about the game instead.

Ultimate Destruction is more or less my dream free-roaming game. Of course, my overall dream game would contain many elements of UD, but it would be entirely different, and most likely 2D. Anyway, why do I love this game so much? For one, it’s all about destroying shit. There’s no stealth, no items, no rules. Just pure, unadulterated smashing. The game is basically split up into three categories (all rolled into one, but you won’t be doing one at the same time as another): free-roaming, missions, and sub-missions. The free-roaming is pretty obvious. You traipse around town as the Hulk, breaking whatever you see fit, jumping erratically, and basically just having a great time. The world is your oyster, and you may smash it as you please. Sadly, most of the buildings in the game are indestructible, but it’s still plenty of fun to destroy what can be destroyed. Heck, even my dad was impressed my this game, and the only interaction he has with any video game besides Pitfall is making fun of them.

The missions are pretty straight-forward as well. You’re usually either out to catch or destroy something, sometimes both. Pretty much any mission that strays from that formula has you high-tailing a piece of technology back to your church base. While these missions may not be geared toward destruction, they’re usually rather tricky, and that can provide much fun and frustration. Sub-missions are usually normal things like “race to here so fast” or “save pedestrians from the burning building”. Some however, are completely off-the-wall and have you batting soldiers falling from a helicopter or playing golf with an oil pump and a huge ball of steel. You’re ranked on the sub-missions, and getting gold on the better part of them is really friggin’ hard.

I think the thing that really ties the game together and takes it from good to great, is the freedom is gives you. You’ve all played on iteration of GTA or another, and I can’t help but feel that all of these games feel stuffy and that the controls don’t really flow. Hulk, however, has a very natural feel to it, and once you get down the controls, it’s a very nice feeling you get when you realize you didn’t even have to thing about that insanely complex string of jumps or beatdowns you just launched. It has the same feeling of freedom that Super Mario 64 had, where you feel almost completely unrestrained, allowed to do whatever you please. That’s precisely the reason why Super Mario 64 is my favourite game of all-time, and that’s why I treasure Hulk: Ultimate Destruction as much as I do.

~ #7 ~

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time

I made fun of Metal Gear Solid 3 a few paragraphs back for being silly, so why on earth does Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time rank so highly on my list? Simple: Mario & Luigi is based around silliness. The first game, Superstar Saga, set a good rhythm of intuitive gameplay and hilarious dialogue, and Partners in Time is in perfect step with it’s older brother.

The best part of the Mario & Luigi series thus far is the story aspect. And I’m not just talking about plot here. The dialogue is written with more than a pinch of humour, the characters are all extremely lively and often outrageous, and yeah, even the plot is pretty good. While in most RPGs, you’ll spend a lot of time fooling around and making sure you don’t miss anything, in Partners in Time you’ll be heading pretty much straightforward the whole time. Yes, you might go back to play some mini-games over or level a bit (it’s not that necessary), but most of the time you’ll just be moving forward. While it’s somewhat due to the fact that you’ll always want to see what’s going to happen next, I have to admit that the game is pretty linear. There are no sidequests to speak of, which is sad, and no bonuses after you beat the final boss, but chances are that you’ll be having so much fun you won’t miss those things.

The gameplay itself is unique to the series (and in a way, to the entire line of Mario RPGs), in that battles take both real-time and turn-based elements. In this game, you have play not only as Mario and Luigi, but the baby-sized bros as well. This situation has you playing as four characters at once, with each bro assigned to his own face button. Luckily, the only time you have to use all four buttons in tandem in four-bro battles, and this can lead to some hairy situations if you haven’t memorized your buttons. A lot of the time, the pairs will split up and do their own thing, and then you only have to look after two bros at once. Action commands liven up the battles, helping you max out your damage potential and avoid enemy attacks entirely, sometimes ever scoring a counterattack. While the action commands in the Paper Mario games would only serve to ease battles a little bit, in the Mario & Luigi games, if you’re really good, you could probably finish the game without getting hit once.

All in all, the game is as good or slightly better than the first. While the battling can sometimes get overly complex, it’s always fun and keeps you interested and involved, unlike traditional RPGS. If you want some more details, go check out the (very) short review in the 2005 Christmas article.

~ #6 ~

We <3 Katamari

What? What’s not fun about rolling a ball? Balls are like the first things we play with as babies, and even as we grow up, they still play a big roll (punny!) in our lives (at least for those of us who aren’t afraid of sports). So why not make a game that’s key feature is that you get to roll around a ball? Namco took up the challenge, and after the super-niche hit Katamari Damacy took the world by storm, what else could they do but appease the fans and roll out the Katamari for another go?

Katamari Damacy was the main reason I purchased my PS2. Yeah. That’s right, I got it mostly for a single game. A game I hadn’t even played at the time. Call me what you will, but it was money well spent. For hours I rolled around that katamari, and never yearned for more. The game didn’t offer a ton of gameplay outside rolling up as much crap as you could, but it was good enough. Like how people could play Space Invaders or Pac-Man obsessively. But Namco decided that we were worth it, and they put their best minds to the test and released We <3 Katamari sometime in mid-2005. What I got, I never would have expected. The game had been expanded with so many new stages, challenges, features, objects, and playable characters. They even managed to build in a cooperative mode that puts two people at the reins of a single Katamari.

The object of the game is to appeal to the fans of the King of All Cosmos, and roll around your Katamari. No big difference, right? Well this time, it’s not just a challenge to get your Katamari as big as you can within a time limit. No, there are stages that have you collect so many objects, roll a Katamari as fast as you can, keep a fire burning, and even one stage where you have to build a snowman. The wealth of new challenges is very pleasing, and it only gets better. In the first game, you could roll up presents for your character to wear, and cousins to be used in Battle mode. This time, there are a ton more of each, and the various characters can be used in single player as well (though they make no more than an aesthetic difference). Even the “select meadow”, the game’s hub of sorts, is fun to play around in. The only part that drags the game down is that Namco didn’t include any “eternal” stages, so you’re always working on a time limit. While I do miss them, it’s safe to say the game is of no lesser value because they’re gone.

What else do I need to say to get you to play this game? Do I need to tell you that it’ll fellate you as you play? Because I’m ready to tell you whatever you need to hear. If there’s one game you need to play on this list, it’s We <3 Katamari. The quirky graphics, abundant humour, and stellar yet simple gameplay are more than a match for you, so I want you to give this one a shot. I can’t guarantee you’ll love it like I do, but the odds of having fun are stacked heavily in your favour.

~ #5 ~

MegaMan Zero 4

I’m probably going to include the newest MegaMan Zero game somewhere on every future list like this, as long as they keep up the excellent trend. While MegaMan games usually peak in goodness around the second or third game, the Zero series gets better every time. And in leaps and bounds to boot.

MegaMan Zero had the core gamplay down. It was full of action, and was one of the few games of its day that could give you a real headache. Zero 2 didn’t add many features, but lengthened the game and pumped up the difficulty to near-impossible. Zero 3, which earned a spot on last year’s list, toned down the difficulty to a “gifted-human” level, added a handful of new features and tweaked some old ones to make them more user-friendly. The latest game, aptly titled MegaMan Zero 4, is again tweaking and adding whatever it can. Most notably, the tedium of earning and arranging Cyber-Elves is gone. You now have a single elf which you can level up and customize to give you whatever boost you might need. This game’s new weapon, the Z-Knuckle, lets you rip enemies apart and take their weapons for yourself. Some are offensive, some are devensive. Some have ammo limits, some you can blast away with forever. Some are guns, some fit in more with the club family. All in all, the Z-Knuckle provides you with a huge assortment of options and makes for a great addition to Zero’s personal weapons cache.

The upgrade chip system from the previous game returns, although this time you have to make the chips, not find them. You make these chips by picking of parts from defeated enemies and mashing them together. The only flaw here is that the game provides very few chip recipes, so you’ll have to figure out most of them by trial and error or a trip to GameFAQs. Another new feature is the weather changing system. Each stage can be affected by two types of weather, one is a little rougher and gives the boss an advantage, and the other will likely make your jaunt through the stage a lot easier. Obviously, you’ll need to play with the harder weather to get a good rank, but it also serves as the only way to procure the boss’ EX Skills, which is a lot easier than keeping up an A or S rank. Zero 4 also has its own share of unlockable mini-games, and the requirements for most of them are not nearly as obscenely difficult as those in Zero 3.

Overall, it’s a very satisfying game. There hasn’t been such a well-balanced MegaMan game since MegaMan X, and that one didn’t even have all the cool features that Zero 4 boasts. The downside is that… Hmmm… SPOILERS! (Sort of.) Highlight the text to read! The downside is that the ending really wraps everything up. And I mean really wraps everything up. Most of the events that play out near the end and during the final scenes point towards this being the last of the series, and that’s not cool. Though Capcom has pulled many stuns like this in the past (especially with MegaMan), so I doubt things are as grave as they want you to think.

~ #4 ~

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Honestly, I’m gonna come out and say it: This is the best Zelda game since A Link to the Past. It’s not that I didn’t like the games in between, but Ocarina of Time is way overhyped, and Majora’s Mask and The Wind Waker were still missing something. Link’s Awakening was my favourite Zelda game before this (though I think LttP is a better game on the whole. Professional and personal preference are two very different things), I never really got to play the Oracle games, and Four Swords is really in a category of its own. And even if you don’t agree that it’s the best Zelda game, it’s got no competition when you’re asking about the best GBA game ever.

Some people are complaining about the declining number of dungeons in Zelda games. But really, that number was never set in stone. The first game has nine, Link’s Adventure has six, LttP has at least 12, and Link’s Awakening has eight. There are about 11 in OoT, five or six in MM, and the Wind Waker is kind of ambiguous, because some things seem like dungeons, but half the population says no and half says yes. The Minish Cap tops in with five official dungeons, but that’s not really a big deal. The game in itself is huge, with a fully fleshed-out Hyrule to explore, as well as the many little bits that make up the Minish World. There are tons and tons of caves, grottoes, attics, and temples to explore, as well as a smaller world in the sky. The game itself is full of life, overflowing with personality and Zelda charm. Hyrule town is easily the liveliest and most colourful Zelda town ever, and there are characters spread out to even the furthest reaches of the land.

The graphics are a huge part of the game, as they’re unbelievably rich and detailed. Everywhere you go, you’ll be treated to beautiful scenery and extensively animated characters and enemies. The soundtrack is also worthy of note, being of uber-high quality and composed of new tunes and classic themes alike. I swear, this is the first Zelda game since the first to properly utilize the Legend of Zelda theme. The big cave in the graveyard also has a magnificent theme, though to tell the truth, I can’t remember what theme it is. Voices are strewn about pretty liberally, but never manage to get annoying. The difficulty of the game is maybe a bit lacking (it’s no Zelda 2), but it’s certainly not an easy quest to complete.

I’d love to ramble on some more about the Minish Cap, but I already did it once. Go back and check the January 2005 archive page. It’s got an even more long-winded spiel than I’ve put out here, so the inquisitive should definitely check that out. No bones about it, if you have a GBA/DS and you don’t own this game, you’re seriously depriving yourself.

~ #3 ~

Mario Kart DS

Mario Kart has always been the kart racing game that all the other kart racing games want to be. It’s easy to see why, too. Mario Kart has always had the two essential ingredients for a great game: fun and simplicity. Racing sims are way too hard for those of us who are no so hardcore, and we need something to satiate our needs for speed. Mario Kart does just the trick, as just about anyone can pick it up and get halfway good within a matter of minutes.

While the game itself is excellent, there is only one reason that Mario Kart DS got as high a ranking as it did: the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. You may think me a bit pompous when I say that Mario Kart DS is an extremely important game. For a company that went a good five years or so saying that online play is unimportant, Nintendo sure did build some massive hype over the launch of the Nintendo WFC. Not only were people buying into it, but that fact that Mario Kart, a universally loved game, would be the first Nintendo game to enter the good graces of online play. Of course, this went over huge, and the whole world is abuzz with Mario Kart fever. While there are a few limits on what you can do online, it’s still an excellent diversion from trying to find people to play with locally.

But the online play isn’t the only saving grace of Mario Kart DS. No, the single player experience is full of greatness, jam-packed with more features that your tiny little brain could imagine. Most notably is the fact that there are twice as many courses as Mario Kart usually presents. Sure, half of them are taken from the past games in the series (four each), but that still adds up to an amazing amount of racing. There are also missions this time around, some of them strange, some of them mind-bendingly difficult. To top that off, you’ve got actual bosses. That’s right. Diddy Kong Racing tried and failed, but Mario Kart DS has successfully mixed bosses into the kart racing world. Battle mode, while not available online, has been extended to include eight players rather than the normal four. This may not seem like a huge change, but the games are way more frantic when you’ve got eight people launching shells and bananas at once.

For the hard sell, look at it this way: I’m not a fan at all of racing games, but Mario Kart has always been so accessible that even a guy like me can really get into it. I’d say that Mario Kart DS is the DS game to own, but It’d be pretty redundant, as anyone in their right mind who owns a Nintendo DS has this game. Especially now that it comes bundled with the hot red DS.

~ #2 ~

Killer7

Killer7, how much do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I made a conscious decision when Killer7 was released that I wouldn’t buy it. To this day, I’ve kept that vow, but not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. I would trade all the half-baked Mario spin-offs and impulse buys in my GC library for this single game. Ever since I returned it to Blockbuster video, I wish I’d bought Killer7. I’m probably the last guy on Earth to know anything about love, but I’m pretty sure that when you think about something every day, there’s something pretty significant there.

Killer7 is easily one of the most off-the-wall games ever created. The story is deeper than the Grand Canyon, and intricate enough to confuse even the rocketingest of scientists. Many little bits of the plot are omitted, and the information they do give you is all out of order, so just understanding the story is challenge enough. Then they add a thick layer of highly stylized graphics on top and flesh it all out with some excellent audio, and you’ve definitely got the whole package. Oh, and did I mention that the gameplay rocks too? Yeah, it does. While the game places you on a rail, and only lets you travel backwards and forwards (and change direction at junctions of course), there is still a huge sense of exploration, as the stages are impressively large and contain a great many paths to travel. The core gameplay is shooting, and the fact that your enemies are naturally invisible just makes it that much more exhilarating. A quick scan will bring them into the visible realm, however, and then it’s just a quick draw competition to see if you can cap their weak points before they get to close and make your head a splode.

Killer7 Really has everything a great game needs. It presents fantastic production values, has a story solid enough to compare to Donny Darko, and is just a blast to play. Not to mention that it’s pretty tough, and gets insane on Hard mode. There are a couple unlockable modes too, if the regular game isn’t enough to quench your thirst for excellent gameplay. But there’s no way you’ll walk away from this one disappointed. If you do, you’re lame. And I really need to go pick this one up.

~ #1 ~

Resident Evil 4

Obvious? Yes. Deserving? Totally. If you didn’t see this one coming a mile away, you need to get your eyes checked. Resident Evil 4 brings so many upgrades to the series that it’s almost an entirely different game. You know what? Scratch that. It is an entirely different game.

The original Resident Evil might have been harder than adamantium, but it was a breath of fresh air for those of use who needed something a little different. Nearly every sequel improved on the formula, with the only exceptions being the Gun Survivor spin-offs (which sucked) and the online games (which I can’t judge, cause I haven’t played either). While other sequels and remakes made small improvements here and there, RE4 takes the idea and completely re-moulds it. Tying in only loosely with older games through a couple characters and some mention of previous events, RE4 literally takes you out of the Resident Evil world. No longer are you fighting for survival against zombies in Raccoon city. Now, you’re thrown into a rural European village, where the locals have been consumed by parasites and are out for blood. The static camera is gone, and now you can aim in more directions than straight, up and down. The inventory system is totally reinvented, letting you carry as many items as you can squeeze into your attache case, rather than having to try to get by with 6-8 item slots. Typewriters are still your saving tool, but item boxes are gone, and you’re no longer forced to find seven billion different keys. Bullets are more plentiful than ever now that enemies drop items, but you’ll still manage to run out now and then.

The game all comes together under what might be the best graphics ever and some seriously spooky tunes, and some top-tier voice work. There are plenty of things to keep you occupied should you become tired of the main game, and of course, there’s a hard mode that will have you ripping your hair out. The game was originally released exclusively for the GameCube, but due to it’s immense success (this game most definitely sold more than a few GameCubes), it’s recently been ported to the PS2. One might expect that on a technologically inferior console, Capcom would have had to make some concessions in the graphics department, but as far as I’ve heard it’s as pretty as ever and doesn’t even suffer from slowdown (like the PS2 Killer7 apparently does). Add on a handful of significant extras, and you’re set to impress.


There’s one thing that I have to get through before I finish. Sadly, the list became out-of-date even before I finished it. See, I had it written out to about number seven, and let it fall to the wayside for a couple weeks before I finished up. In that time, I was able to find and obtain Trauma Center, and I played a couple games that I definitely would have put on the list had it not already been decided, namely Prince of Persia: the Two Thrones and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. But alas, the list was intended for games I played in 2005, and those two didn’t come to my attention until 2006. Oh well. Also, it’s really hard to remember all the games I played over the course of the year, so I’m sure there’s at least one deserving title I forgot.

And speaking of deserving titles, some that come immediately to mind include: Jump Superstars (DS), Metal Gear Solid 3 (PS2), Meteos (DS), Kirby Canvas Curse (DS), and shadow of the Colossus (PS2). While many skeptics thought it would die off quickly and made fun of its “small” launch lineup, the DS has had an absolutely mind-blowing year, pumping out all sorts of great games. And with my acquisition of my own PS2, I’ve certainly been exposed to many more games that I would have if I’d stuck it out with only my Nintendos by my side. The more the merrier, you know?

I feel kind of bad that there wasn’t a little more variety on the list, but that’s kind of what you get for playing mostly the same kinds of games, I guess. you’re thinking it, but you should know that I didn’t rate the games on fanboyism alone. No. If that had been the case, there would have been a lot more Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare on it. I picked my games based on either how much time I spent with them, and how much I want to play them when I’m doing something else. Heck, on that latter note alone, Killer7 should have taken first, but I’ve gotta be fair. Seriously. I think about Killer7 and how much I love it all the time. I really should have bought it… In any case, I’ll be keeping a list of games that I play in 2006 so that I’ll have an easier time coming up with the ten best when December rolls around.

Taking a mind dump. Excuse the odor

The coolest thing happened to me yesterday. So I’m at Subway, right. I’m done eating, so as would be the natural thing for me, I pull out my DS and get my game on. And then all of a sudden, this dude sits down across from me and starts asking stuff about it, and going on about how he finds it so amazing. I found it cool, because I don’t know a single person who is interested in the DS (nobody I know can handle its pure awesomeness), and it was nice to for once have a little chat about it. Just thought I’d bring it up.

My bro’s hockey team got creamed 8-4 last night. They started off real strong, with two goals in the first five minutes, but then it just went downhill. It was pretty bad, but the defencemen were really slacking. Can’t say he was having the best game of his life either, though. But then again, guess letting in eight out of like seventy billion shots isn’t so bad.

Three days until Musashi!

Following GDC 2005, we’ve got some things to look forward to on the Nintendo front. Seems the Revolution is gonna be some hardcore online business, and Gamecube backwards-compatible. PGC has a bunch of info, so check that out if you’re interested. Again, I’d like to bring up the new Zelda. There’s a poster of it in the Minish Cap player’s guide, so I’m thinking maybe I’mma buy that. What can I say? I need a Zelda poster.

I’m also considering getting Madden 2005 for the DS. Any time ago, this thought would never have even crossed my mind, but for reasons I cannot properly put into words, I want to own some sort of sports game, and there aren’t any hockey games for the DS yet. It’s Madden or Tiger Woods, and I don’t like the way Tiger is pointing at me so condescendingly.

How is it that I’ve gone 18 years without ever listening to Duran Duran? I can’t imagine how such a good band has gone under my radar until just recently.

iMesh 5 is pretty. Probably coated in spyware (they claim to be clean, but…), but my God is it pretty. And efficient. At least 76 times moreso than the last version. Say what you will about the spyware issue, I still like iMesh. I’ve got plenty of cleaning utilities.

I added a little hit stats dealie down on the sidebar. Click it for more info.

Is it wrong to try to win over a girl who’s currently seeing someone by pretending to be much more awesome than you are? (Not like it gets much more awesome than me) We’re still cool, even after the incident, but I’m thinking maybe I should cool the engines for a while. TV has tought me differently, so I’m not sure what the proper protocol is for this situation. Advice is appreciated.

Why is it that not a single store around here carries either Firehouse or Tesla? Best Buy and Future Shop I can see, but HMV? Come on! I guess I’ll be having to make that dreaded venture downtown if I hope to secure any music from either of these awesome bands. I hate downtown.

Speaking of Firehouse, they’re pretty much kicking ass on the ol’ AudioScrobbler list. You should totally sign up for an account there, even if you never use the thing, just so I can add more people to my friends list. And it’s just a neat little thing to have.

Is there a Corner Gas DVD? Amazon says no. Dammit. That’s an awesome show. If you don’t watch it, you so very totally should. I can’t stress enough how hilarious it is. Best show I’ve watched in years. Upon further investigation, the official website says yes. Flippin’ sweet.

Back to good

I probably won’t have an article up this week. I’ve been doing a lot of gaming and being out these past nights (which has been a nice change from the sitting in front of the PC all night I had been doing for the past few weeks), and I’ve finally fully recovered from that horrible bout with emotion I was having. It’s nice to have the old me back. Now on to why I’m making this post. I have three very important orders of business.

1. NEW ZELDA TRAILER! Here’s the link. Prepare your drool buckets, nerds, this is the greatest thing ever.

2. MUSASHI! Yep. Only five days until Samurai Legend Musashi comes out. I loved the first one, and from what little info I’ve gleaned from the site, the sequel looks to be kick ass. I know I usually don’t have many words of praise for samurai, but Brave Fencer Musashi is my second favorite Playstation game ever. The first being Final Fantasy Tactics.

3. BROKEN! It seems that old Edwin’s site is brokies at the moment. Oh, wait. Stroat. Stroat’s site. I wasn’t orginally gonna say anything, but he figures maybe some people visit both here and there. It’s possible.

I really want to write more, but I’ve got nothing. I guess it’s back to listening to Beck for me. Alt-rock is sweet.

Tiny-huge Hyrule

Firstly, I want you to read this review. It pretty much gets my point across. When you’re done with that, then you can move onto the rest of my stuff. It kinda fits together. You’ll see.

So, RE4 is Zelda good. Yep. But how good is Zelda? Duh. That’s a no-brainer. But for the sake of completeness and having proof, it’s time I reviewed the newest entry into the Legend of Zelda series. That’s right, it’s about time I shared my thoughts about The Legend of Zelda: the Minish Cap.

To start, the game is flawless. That means it has not even a single flaw. Some minor annoyances, but nothing big enough to be considered a flaw. Many people will disagree with what I’m saying, what with so many people focused so much on how many dungeons a game has, or how many hours it takes to finish. These people are dumb. These people are asses. these people are dumbasses. I’ll not lie, the Minish Cap has “only” six dungeons. This is not far off from the last two games; Majora’s Mask and the Wind Waker. The one thing that most people do not realize is that while the main quest may be “short”, there are more bonus kajiggers to find and questdoodles to complete than you could shake any type of long object at, be it a stick, a hockey stick, or a cardboard tube. But that is not my point, my point is that while the main adventure is (again with the quotation marks) “short”, the game is a simply amazing video game experience.

The Minish Cap is without a doubt one of the best GameBoy Advance games out there. You’ll be seeing this one on more than a few “Best games of 2005” lists. The most defining point is the fact that it’s an entirely new adventure. While we’ve seen a couple of new Zelda games in the last few years (the Wind Waker, Four Swords Adventures), Nintendo has been doing a lot of porting. Most of it was promotional material, but that’s not important. Only a new Super Mario Bros game would impress and shock us more. Aside from the story, there is plenty of new stuff in the Minish Cap. For one, Link isn’t really any hero of destiny in this one, he just kind of gets voted into it when he turns out to be the only able person in the room at the time. Heck, the game would star the King of Hyrule or his attendant if it weren’t for a convenient plot point. It’s not a huge point of interest, but it’s a neat little change. Aside from that, not one of the bosses have been seen in a previous game. Wait… One of the bosses was seen in a previous game (and the final boss, but he was… different… in that one, so it doesn’t count). The dungeons are excellently designed, with some puzzles that can leave you scratching your head for quite some time. There are no less than three new tools for Link to acquire, and plenty of other great new additions.

But of course, the game also has it’s share of classic influence. Most notable, it uses the great GB Zelda control scheme of equipping one weapon to the A button and another to the B button. Sadly, a couple of the cool hidden weapon combos from Link’s Awakening are missing, namely the bomb arrows. A lot of the sub-characters come from the range of past Zelda games. Sadly, the old man from the first game is still missing. Plenty of Link’s Awakening’s enemies make their fantastic returns, such as Bob-ombs and those face-plated guys. You know, the ones where you had to remove the armor with the hookshot. Plus, I’m pretty sure that a lot of the sound effects come straight from Link’s Awakening. That’s my favorite Zelda game of all time, for those who didn’t know. A lot of Wind Waker influence is presented in terms of visuals, and the Palace of Winds level will make many people think back to Four Sowrds Adventures, had they played the game. Oh yes, and it also just happens to be a prequel to the established Four Swords storyline. Possibly the best part is that the Ocarina has gone back to it’s original use as transportation and transporation alone. I hated having musical instruments as key items.

So what’s this all about the game being small and such? Well, the first thing you’ll notice is that the map is deceptively tiny. This will throw you off, as the world map is a decent size, though notably smaller than those of past Zelda games. But, while it doesn’t have an entire alternate map, there is plenty of exploration opportuninty, with winding paths everywhere and many spots accessibl only to a tiny Link. The square mileage may be less, but its more crammed with stuff than you might assume. And yes, the dungeon count is six. Four main dungeons, one “red herring” dungeon, and the final castle. They’re certainly large places, and each has it’s own unique ways of tripping you up, be it inconspicuous bombable walls or mine cart mazes.

Is it hard? In a word: maybe. It’s like the every Zelda and Metroid game. If you look for all the optional/hidden power-ups, it’s gonna be a bit easier. If you try to make it through without picking up any heart containers, you’re probably gonna have a hard freaking time. Me, as good as I may be, I get hit a lot. I’m prone to tkaing damage. that’s why I take longer to get accustomed to games where life refills are few and far between. But that’s not to say that the enemies win only to my incompetence. Plenty of them, like the Tektites and Ropes, move rather sporadically and are at times difficult to dodge. Such is the way of a game presented in two dimensions. the bosses start off pretty easy, but soon escalate to the point where you might actually get frustrated. The real key to winning in this game is to know which item to use on what. Almost every enemy has a weakness to one of Link’s various tools, and you just have to figure that out. Some people would never even think to use the shield to reflect boulders back at an enemy, or to stun a particularly nimble foe with the boomerang.

Possibly the thing I like most about the Minish Cap is the level on which you interact with all the characters you meet along the way. Almost every single peson in the game plays some sort of role. For the most part, they just hold kinstones, a new sub-quest dealie where you collect halves of stone coins, and then must find the peson with the other half. Fusing the kinstones will usually yield something of value, be it a secret path or a treasure chest stuffeed with rupees. Sometimes it even gives life to extremely durable golden enemies. There are 100 fusions in total, and a lot of them are randomly generated. Also, the people are really animated. The one I first noticed was a girl at the cafe, who when talked to spun around on her stool and gave her hair a mighty flip. I immediately crapped my pants and was floored. I’ve never seen such a minor character animated so intricately and smoothly. Oh yes, and the town is easily the greatest Zelda town ever. It feels so alive. It’s huge, contains tons of people to speak with, is extremely complex and packed with secrets, and changes ever so slightly over the course of the game. A Link to the Past intoduced the cucco. With Ocarina of Time came dogs. And now there are even cats and cucco chicks prowling the streets. All of which you can talk to while tiny. Except the room full of chicks. They just all come after you in a horrid flurry of down and talons.

The music is another portion of the game which is beyond exceptional. It borrows some music, but is also ripe with many of its own original tracks. Me, I was offended by the complete lack of the Zelda theme in Ocarina of Time. Majora’s Mask remedied the situation a little, and then the Wind Waker (while it’s original stuff is way above par) went back and almost completely forgot it. I love the piece, and the Minish Cap has no such lack of it. Most sections of the world map have either it or a variation playing (the Cloud Tops area mix is ineffably good), and there is no way that a GBA speaker could do the beautiful tunes in this game justice. Even the DS speakers don’t do the job perfectly. This is one of those games where you need headphones to get the true value out of the music. Oh yes, and there’s an excellent, excellent Castle remix for the last level. Ever since listening the “Trifore Majeure” song featured on OC Remix, that’s been one of my favortie Zelda tunes. Sadly, no palace music from Zelda 2. I really like that one too. But it’s top notch stuff people.

Like I said at the beginning, I adore the game, and if you like Zelda at all, you will too. It’s possibly the best GBA title to date (by production values anyway), and is a good sign that the Nintnedo and Capcom make excellent partners. Woo Capcom. It would be out of place, but I wouldn’t mind seeing maybe a MegaMan reference, or at least a Street Fighter reference in the next one. but, I’ve been working on this review for over an hour now, so it’s way past time to wrap it up. Minish Cap = excellent. You buy now. If you not buy, and you own GBA, you fool. Damned fool. Fool who clearly can’t appreciate the best things in life. If I were a guest in Rollercoaster Tycoon, I’d say it’s of excellent value. The only thing that scares me is that my youngest brother bought it as well, and is doing almost as well as I am, and I haven’t helped him at all. He’s getting too good. At this pace, it’ll be only a year or two before he’s better than me, and I don’t know if I’mma be able to deal with that.

Oh yeah, and on a side note, there’s a new Steve artice/rant thing. Like most of them, I agree, but with exceptions. no direclt link for youse guys this time. I’m too damned lazy to figure out the URL.

It’s beer! Hooray beer!

While I’m not a huge beer drinker, I still feel the absolute need to direct you to the site for Red Sripe beer. The commercials, PSAs, and radio spots on the site are just hilarious. If you only follow one link from my site this year, make it this one. I know it’s early to say that, but these are just plain great. They’ve almost gotten me to the point where I want to try this beer, if only to become beautiful.

The next order of business is the latest kickass Zelda remix. (Actually, it’s been out there for a few months, but anyway…) But, this time it does not come from OC Remix. Strange, no? This one is found on VG Mix. It’s called “Blood of Ganon”, and is a truly awesome hardcore Zelda medley containing music from the Legend of Zelda, Zelda 2, and A Link to the Past. Great stuff. Direct link, for those of you too lazy or stupid to navigate the site yourselves.

Remember when I said I was downloading a bunch of games? Well, they finished, and sadly, my computer was running in f’d-up mode at the time, and most of the files became corrupt. In an ironic twist of fate, the only one that ended up working was GTA3.

Ah yes, and I bought Resident Evil 4 today. The game kicks ass like none before it. It’s tons of frantic fun, as the enemies are really adept at killing you. You see, they can climb in windows, climb up ladders to higher windows, break down doors, throw molotov cocktails and axes (which you can explode/reflect with a fluke shot), and run at you like there’s no tomorrow. I’m not very far, but the game has already taken a few cool plot twists, and I’m totally impressed by everything. The new gameplay style is great, though precision aiming is a little hard at first. Graphics are possibly the best I’ve ever seen, and the voice acting turned out rather well. Ooh, and there is shootable livestock. I saw a chicken for the first time and said to my brother “I’m so gonna shoot that chicken”. And then I saw the cows. It’s just a superb game on every level, and I think I’ll have to go a little more in-depth with the reviewing once I finish it. A testament to the greatness of Capcom and the Gamecube, this is surely not a title to be missed.

Back in time

This is the first news post of February. There probably won’t be very many after it. There is gonna be a lot of gaming going on when I get Crystal Chronicles and my Zelda Collector’s Disc, so like I said at the end of last month, don’t expect much for a while after the 10th. 3 days left… I haven’t been looking forward to a game this much since the Wind Waker. I guess I was pretty hyped for Viewtiful Joe, but not so much that I was counting the days. After that period of gaming though… I won’t be getting many games unless I just trash the idea of buying a digital camera, which I don’t want to do. In any case, I might have a mini-review up tomorrow or Monday, and then it’s all up to fate. And that’s it for toady. Have a good night, and the new Astro Boy show isn’t all that good.

~Ryan out.

Nintendo Surprise: The Nintendo surprise bag

It’s really amazing how much merchandise that Nintendo pumps out. Sadly, most of it isn’t exactly the kind of stuff you want to buy, and very little of it is worthy promotion for the GameCube and GameBoy Advance. Sure the Pokemon line goes over really well with kids, but very few older Nintendo hardcores want Pokemon toys all over their room. I don’t. At one point, I did have a small Gloom hanging out on my dresser, but it got lost. Kinda unfortunate because Gloom is one of my favorite Pokemon.

Of course, they have gone to certain lengths to make Mario and Zelda action figure lines. You saw a few of them in Hylian Idol. We even got a few burger restaurant deals, one promoting Super Mario Bros 3 at McDonald’s, which was a long time ago. Last year, there were Mario toys at Wendy’s, which I believe came along to help sell Super Mario Advance. The most recent was the Burger King deal, which was a menagerie of Nintendo most popular characters, such as Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, and Kirby. Everyone loves Kirby. Why we didn’t see any kind of promotion for his TV show is beyond me though.

(>o.o)>

Whee! Look at him dance! I guess that’s an ample intro for today. I really don’t think it’s that necessary anymore. After all, they do sway off the path of the articles a bit. But in the quest for longer and better articles, I must do what I have to do. But, enough redundant rambling, I’ll just start the article now.


A long time ago, actually, less than a year to date, I was browsing the dollar stores of a faraway land and came across quite the treasure. It was a simple plastic bag with candy in it, but that was just the base idea. This bag of goodies was a Nintendo Surprise. Of course, the surprise wasn’t really there, since there was a transparent area on the front of the bag. That and they all had more or less the exact same things in them. I went back this year to seek more of the bags-o-fun and I found them, only they had changed a bit.

The old Nintendo Surprise contained a sucker, a Ring Pop-like thing, a slab of gum, and a game tip card. They all sported different characters. The gimmick was that you could collect all of the different characters and candies. I guess the only surprise is what character bust you found in the ring pop. There were 2 different sucker “statues”, 6 character busts in the ring pops, and 18 different portraits in the gum. The only problem with this is that they seem to be extremely rare, and no kid would be able to resist eating them.

Now, produced by Au’some Candies, the “Nintendo Surprises” are simply plastic bags containing a bunch of gum. It’s really a sad story. Why? Because the gum was the only collectible that you could really eat. the others left plastic remains to collect. Fortunately, you won’t want to eat the gum after you try one piece. it tastes absolutely horrible. Bad, sinful, imperfect, rancid, unsuitable, wicked, tainted, hurtful, noxious, and terrible are all words that go hand in hand with this gum. the package says “sour” but this stuff tastes worse that eating Kool-Aid powder. I kid you not.


As I stated in one of the above paragraphs, there are 18 slabs of disgust that you can collect. Though, Au’some Candies seems to have cut a few corners when they were making them. The different characters are the following: Mario, Princess Peach, Luigi, Bowser, Paratroopa, Larry Koopa, Ganondorf, Ludwig Von Koopa, Yoshi, Ganondorf, Link, Link, Link, Diddy Kong, Link, Donkey Kong, King K. Rool, and Donkey Kong. Notice the abundance of Link. Even the two different DK gums are the same picture, just one is reversed. At least they look pretty good and not at all like some poor African kids drew them on.

I also mentioned earlier that the Nintendo Surprise contained a card with a game tip on it. These ones are no different. But the use of the word “latest” is a bit of an exaggeration. At least now. I guess that I forgot to mention one little detail. After a little bit of researching, I found out that these things were made way back in 2001. I suppose it’s not as bad as the Hulk gum that my brothers got. If you read X-Entertainment, you’ve seen it before. And if you want a bit of a more in-depth look at the 8-year-old crap, check out Matt’s Video Store article.

So, here’s the contents of one of the packages. It seems a lot more impressive than it really is. A LOT. There’s not a lot I can say about this pile of crap that I won’t say later so instead I’ll tell you about this GameBoy Advance link cable that I’m holding. Firstly and most importantly, it’s a pretty shade of white, with a white tip for the first player, and gray tips for the second, third, and fourth players. That said, it obviously has four heads to link GBAs together. It’s made by Pelican and was a lot cheaper than buying three Nintendo-brand cables. there’s also a little switch on the connector that enables it to work with GameBoy Colour units. Back to what’s important.


As you can clearly see, they come in a wide variety of colors. All three colors of the… uh… groraninkbow. Ha. Got outta that one with style. Oh yeah. Anyway, it’s plain to see that a character is not confined to a single color. They can appear on any one of the three shades of gross. If you look even closer, you can see both Donkey Kongs and how it’s the same picture, just flipped horizontally, just as I said. On the upside, I was lucky and scored both Koopa Kids. I’m at a loss to see why they didn’t use all of them. If they hadn’t repeated characters there would have been enough to host all seven of ’em.

Now, I’ll try my best to describe what all of them taste like. Orange is clearly the best of the three. Incredibly enough, it does taste like orange candy-type stuff. Only it’s way too soury-like. Bad memories of Kool-Aid powder are coming back… Yuck. Well, I guess I was wrong. Pink is definitely the best. It tastes decent, much like one of those sour soother things. It’s still not worth eating, but at least it doesn’t make me want to throw up so that there’s a better taste in my mouth. Green is supposed to taste like apple, I think. It does a little bit, but then you notice that it has a hint of BILE in it. The package wasn’t lying when it said they were sour. Maybe not as sour as some other candy, but it isn’t exactly tame.

Look, it’s the Game Tip card! When I say card, I don’t mean card in the normal sense, or even the tradeable sense. It’s just a piece of hard paper with a picture and some words on it. Oddly enough, it’s the only thing included in the Nintendo Surprise that isn’t collectible. I guess you could collect all of the different tips, but to date I’ve only seen three different ones, and I and my brothers have been through at the very least twenty packs of this stuff. Oh, I forgot another important thing. The gum’s taste lasts for an average of 40 seconds. You’d be much better off with some Wal-Mart candy machine gum.


As usual, you can click on the pics to enlarge them if you want to read them. The first tip is for the Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages. It’s pretty handy, and is something you might not think of right away. But, most people who played the Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past have already figured this out. The second “tip” is both asinine and redundant. It tells you that in Super Mario Advance Luigi can jump the highest. It might have been helpful, but the game itself gives you this tip, so like I said, it’s redundant. Note that they have French tips too. If you can’t read the language, don’t worry, it says the same thing. This also leads me to believe that Nintendo Surprises were only distributed in Canada.

For the sole purpose of writing this article, I saved some of the plastic carcasses from the original Nintendo Surprise. Shown above are the sucker cases. There are only two to collect, so if you went the whole nine yard to get all the gum pieces, you’d have a lot of extra sucker cases. The two characters chosen to be immortalized as suckers were Mario and Yoshi. I don’t see why not. But they could have just as easily modded the Mario mold a little and at least made a Luigi. Oh well.

If you did manage to get you hands on a lot of these guys, they could be used as really low-budget action figures. I have several Yoshis and use them to war against my Star Wars figures with Mario as their leader. The detachable bases can also double as hats or a bad game of stack-the-sucker-bases. That’s what they seem to be doing in the picture above. To tell the truth, I’m really scraping for idea for this one. There’s a cool picture of a pelican on my GameBoy Advance link cable.

Pictured above are the remains of a couple of my Nintendo ring pops. They come in the same colours as the gum, but they taste a whole lot better. In fact, so do the suckers. Everything tastes better than that gum, except clams. I hate clams. Stupid chicken nugget-looking clams. I hate you, clams. I hate you and your cousin the oyster. In fact, I hate all seafood. Except sushi, I’ve never tried sushi. Or lobster. It’s pretty sad, but I plan to try it the next time we go to Red Lobster. Which should be in about 3 years. So I may never try lobster until it’s too late. I bet lobster tastes better than that stupid gum. And clams.

By now you should be aware that this bag of sugar was made for kids. This is further evidenced by the fact that the rings barely fit onto the second joints of my fingers, never mind the third. It also teaches us that Link doesn’t look good in pink. Red, blue, and green yes, but pink no. Yoshi can come in any colour and seems to be enjoying his orangyness quite well. I think green Yoshi is a bit jealous of orange Yoshi’s happiness. And Link seems to be jealous of both of their decent colour palettes and full bodies. Poor Link is just a bust of himself.

While I’m writing about shoddy Nintendo products, I guess I should mention this GameCube watch. It’s not really that bad, I did get it for free after all. My complaints focus mostly on the extremely easy to press buttons, causing the time to change by itself. If compared to most digital watches of today, it’s got no options, just the time and date. No fancy bells, whistles, or beeps. Then again, the time and date are all you really need. I never need a stopwatch or alarm anyway, so I guess I don’t care.

Now, back on topic, after finding my goods, I went to the dollar store next to the dollar store I had just been in. There I browsed the party favors and found some Groucho masks without the mustache. I had to have them. I’m not sure why I wanted them, they don’t fit, but I wanted them anyway. So that’s me with one of the masks on. Wow… I look nerdier than usual. It would probably have been a good idea not to upload it, but nobody who would judge me reads this site anyway. I guess I’m safe.

So to turn around the theme of the article and show a excellent Nintendo product and add some cool, I’m including another picture of my AGB playing MegaMan Zero. Once again, it’s an awesome game and if you have an AGB, you owe it to yourself to get it. Really. Or you could just wait a few months and get MegaMan Zero 2. Or you could not wait and import RockMan Zero 2 if you don’t care about knowing what to do or can read Japanese. In any case, it’s one of the best games I’ve played in a long time. Well, that’s about that for that.


So now you know what I was blabbering on about in that one news update. Ummmm… this whole conclusion part is the toughest thing to write. I guess I could mention that I have plenty of gum left if anybody wants to try some. I’m more than willing to let go of a piece or eight. That’s all I have to say for today. I have no more ideas about what to review, so I don’t know when the next article will be. Maybe I’ll finish that MegaMan article sometime within the week.

Hylian Idol!

Welcome back! Within the past few years, so-called “reality” TV has made a huge boom on the small screen. A lot of people will say that’s great, because they love the stuff, my mom included. A distinctly smaller group will not care either way, because they don’t care what they watch, or they don’t watch TV at all. My group though, will tell you that it’s horrible. A good amount of people do hate this crappy TV. Why do I hate it? Well, mostly because 1)A lot of the ideas are horse crap (i.e. Big Brother) and 2) Because they take up valuable air time when we could be watching cartoons or sitcoms instead. See my point?

As you may or may not be aware, “American Idol” has been on top of the proverbial heap for quite some time now. Like the rest, I really don’t like it all that much. If it were something more along the lines of “Rock Idol” or “Metal Idol” I might be a bit more interested in it. But as it is, all they do is promote crappy music and churn out pop stars (which, ironically enough, is another crappy musical reality show). Mmmm… pop stars – s + t = Pop Tarts! I like Pop Tarts. But not those commercials. I hate that stupid fricking BEEEEEOOM guy!! I want to kill him!! AAAAAAAHH!! Now look! I’ve gotten into a fit of rage! Better go to the next paragraph!

Just recently, they held a “Canadian Idol” competition here. I was going to try out, but then I remembered that I can’t sing worth a damn. So I did the next best thing and made a little parody of American Idol. It was getting pretty tough to find a crew, set and competitors, so I just took the easy way out and used toys. Building the set was a lot harder than I thought it to be, and getting most of the characters to stand up was seemingly impossible. In the end, I needed to take a total of 37 pics, which added up to just under 500KB. By my count, that is taking up about 2.5% of the space I have for my site, which is a lot more than I’ve allotted to other articles. Of course, my math skills are nothing to rely on, so I might be wrong. Enough about that though, the show must go on!


RyanMan= Hello everyone! Welcome to Hylian Idol, the first reality ummm…. thinger! I’m your host RyanMan, and these are our wonderful judges! Our fist judge is Link from the Legend of Zelda series of video games! Say hello to the kind people in internet world, Link!

Link= Hey thea homeez! I’m tha shiznat y’all!

RyanMan= Why the hell are you talking like that?

Link= Aren’t I supposed to be the equivalent of Randy Jackson from American Idol?

RyanMan= No. Our next judge in none other than Link’s rival, Ganondorf!! Say hi to everyone Ganondorf!

Ganondorf= You suck. You’re terrible. You have no talent. Muhahahahaha!

RyanMan= What the Hell are you talking about, Ganondorf?

Ganondorf= I thought I was playing Simon Cowell.

RyanMan= No, you’re just supposed to be yourself, Ganondorf.

Ganondorf= Very well. And from here on in I will be referred to as Ganon.

RyanMan= Right-o. And finally, our last judge, it’s her highness Princess Zelda!

RyanMan= Ummm… where’s the princess?

Link= I’m looking at you, Ganon.

Ganondorf= I didn’t do it! Not this time anyway…

RyanMan= Well, I guess we’re just lucky that we have a guest judge here. I’d like to introduce to you Mr. Bob McKenzie!

Bob= How’s it goin’ eh?

RyanMan= Pretty good, actually.

Bob= That’s great, eh. Now let’s get on with the show, ya hoser.

RyanMan= Sure thing.

Leia= Sorry I’m late, guys.

RyanMan= Why are you here, Leia?

Leia= Oh, ummm… Zelda couldn’t make it today. It’s time for her royal nap.

RyanMan= Riiiight. Well, I guess we’ll just go on anyway. Can’t disappoint the readers.

Ganondorf= Oh, I’ll give them a good disappointing!

RyanMan= Quiet, you. Now, our first contestant, Ash from Pokemon!

Ash= Hey everyone!

(loud booing)

Ash= Shut up!

RyanMan= So Ash, what are you going to do for us today?

Ash= Well, I thought I’d start by throwing a few Pokeballs…

RyanMan= That doesn’t seem so great

Ash= Shut up!

RyanMan= Whatever, just get to your act.

Ash= OK! Here I go!!!…. Wait! I can’t move my arms! Or my legs! AAAAHH! I’ve got no articulation whatever! Nooooooooooo!

RyanMan= While our crew pulls his body off the stage, we’ll see what the judges think of that performance.

Link= What performance? He just fell down! Well, at least he did a pretty good job of that…

Ganondorf= That was terrible! I’ve seem more talented Armos statues!

Leia= He’s a cutie! Maybe I’ll get his number after the show…

RyanMan= Well, a diverse reaction. What do you think, Bob?

Bob= I got some beer, eh?

RyanMan= Well, I guess that means that Ash won’t be today’s Hylian Idol.

Link= No sir.

RyanMan= So we’ll get our next contestant out here, DinoBot!

DinoBot= Rrrraaarr! Hey everyone! I’m the best!

RyanMan= Sure you are. Now, I hope you can do a little bit more than that Ash fellow

DinoBot= Of course I can! I am DinoBot!

RyanMan= Then what will you be doing for us today?

DinoBot= I’ll be doing my Grimlock impression!

RyanMan= Seems appropriate. Whenever you’re ready

DinoBot= Raaarr! Me Grimlock! Me wanna hear Kup’s war stories!…. That’s it.

RyanMan= …OK. What do you think, judges?

Leia= It was a decent effort, but nobody could EVER do a good Grimlock.

DinoBot= You sayin’ I’m no good?

Leia= Not exactly…

DinoBot= RAAAAARRR!! I’ll have your head! DinoBot transform!

RyanMan= Security! Well folks, it looks like we’re going to take a little break. But don’t fret, we’ll be right back with more Hylian Idol!

(Go get a snack or something. Pretend it’s a commercial break.)

RyanMan= OK, we’re back with Hylian Idol. After our last competitor went nuts, I’ve told our judges to try to be a little less harsh on the competitors who seem to be not quite mentally stable. Let’s see how this works out… Now, our next competitor is Spongebob Squarepants.

SpongeBob= Hi there!

RyanMan= Hey Spongebob, you’ve got a TV show already, so I’m guessing that you have some kind of talent?

SpongeBob= I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!

RyanMan= OK, enough of that. Let’s go Sponge-boy.

SpongeBob= Watch this, I’m gonna make my face disappear!

RyanMan= Errrr… I’ll let the judges decide what to think of this.

Ganondorf= You fool! You just turned around! Go back to you day job!

SpongeBob= You don’t like me?

Leia= Well it was a pretty crappy trick

Link= Boooo!

SpongeBob= *Runs away crying*

RyanMan= What did you think, Bob?

Bob= I’m tryin’ to eat a donut here, eh?

RyanMan= Sure you are. Now, our next contestant is… Leonardo!

Leo= Hello.

RyanMan= So Leo, it seems you’ve had a bit of a career change

Leo= Actually I work as a volunteer firefighter. I just got back from a call and didn’t have time to change.

RyanMan= If you say so. What will you be attempting to do for us?

Leo= Well, I seem to have developed a strange ability to transform. That’s pretty much what I’ll be doing for you.

RyanMan= That’s it?

Leo= Yeah, but considering the competition so far, I think I have a pretty good shot at winning.

RyanMan= That is true. Well, go ahead then

Leo= Okay! Here I go!

Leo= Uh-oh

RyanMan= “Uh-oh” what?

Leo= I seem to have forgotten how to do this.

RyanMan= Well, mark up another failure

Leo= Master Splinter’s not gonna like this

RyanMan= Them’s the brakes. What do our judges think?

Link= You moron! I could transform better than you and I don’t know how!

Bob= Get off my table, eh.

Leia= Well, sadly enough, he was the best so far

Ganondorf= Oh God… One more idiot and I’m gonna go DinoBot.

RyanMan= Hey! We made a vow to never mention him again!

Ganondorf= Oops. I’ll try to avoid it from now on.

RyanMan= Good stuff. Now that Leo’s been carried offstage by the camera guy, we can get the next contestant up here. Everyone give a warm welcome to Safety Stan!

Stan= Hey everyone! I’m glad to be here!

RyanMan= So why do they call you “Safety” Stan?

Stan= Well, I’m extremely afraid of pain. See the helmet?

RyanMan= Afraid of pain, eh? You’d better do something bordering on acceptable then.

Stan= Why?

RyanMan= You’ll see. So speaking of which, what are you gonna do for us?

Stan= I’m gonna do a juggling act. I’m pretty pro, I do kids’ birthdays and all that shat. Now does anyone have something I can juggle?

RyanMan= You came to do a juggling act and have nothing to juggle with?

Ganondorf= *menacing growl*

Stan= Errrr… Of course not! I was just kidding! I’m actually going to sing.

RyanMan= Oh. That’s good. Finally it’s a real parody of American Idol. So what are you going to sing?

Stan= What am I going to sing? Uhhh… uhh… lemme see…

Ganondorf= *reprise of menacing growl*

Stan= The opening theme of the MegaMan cartoon!

RyanMan= Oh no…

Stan= Cue the music!

Stan= *horribly off key* Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan!

Ganondorf= THAT’S IT!!! TIME FOR SOME BLOODSHED!!

C

Stan= Waaaaaaaahhh!!!! No, please!

RyanMan= I knew this was going to happen sooner or later…

Stan= OOOWWWW!!! NOT MY ARMS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

Ganondorf= Die pathetic scum!!!

RyanMan= I’m not even gonna get the other judges’ opinions.

Link= I kinda liked it.

Ganondorf= You want some too, little man?

Link= Hey! I’ve killed you on several occasions.

Ganondorf= Right, sorry…

RyanMan= Quiet, kids. It’s time for the next competitor. And now we have Turok: Dinosaur Hunter.

Ganondorf= Maybe he’ll kill DinoBot

RyanMan= *stern voice* Ganon

Ganondorf= Oops. Right. Not supposed to talk abou-

RyanMan= So here’s Turok!

Turok= Haha! I love me!

RyanMan= This is only gonna go downhill, isn’t it?

Turok= Aren’t I beautiful?

RyanMan= Sure. Now what do you plan on doing to try to impress our judges?

Turok= Well, I’m gonna fight Earthworm Jim here to the death.

Jim= Where am I?

RyanMan= Turok, you are aware that you could get hurt, right?

Turok= Bah. My vest of sticks and a green circle will protect me!

RyanMan= OK, whatever. Just get it over with

Turok= Right! Arm yourself, worm!

Jim= What the Hell!?!? Stop pointing that thing at me!

Turok= If you do not wish to fight, I shall pummel you mercilessly!!

Jim= What?

*fight ensues*

Jim= Okay, hunter-boy! Time to feel the wrath of my power suit!

Turok= Ah, so you finally decide to fight back! En guard!

Jim= En guard this!

*more fighting ensues*

Jim= How do you like that, you narcissistic freak?

Turok= My vest… it did…. nothing….

RyanMan= So I guess Jim wins then. What do the judges think?

Link= Well, Turok lost, so he sucks. But Jim wasn’t a contestant, so he can’t win.

Ganondorf= I could beat both of them at the same time.

Link= No you couldn’t.

Ganondorf= We’ll see about that later…

Leia= Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..zzzzzzzz….

RyanMan= HEY! Leia, wake up!

Leia= Wha!? Oh, uh… that was great.

RyanMan= Do you even know what happened?

Leia= Does it matter?

RyanMan= Check mate.

Bob= I brought some more beer, eh.

Leia= Gimme somma the good stuff

RyanMan= After we’re done you can drink to you heart’s content, but not until then

Leia= But he gets t-

RyanMan= That’s because it’s a character trait

Leia= *mumbles angrily*

RyanMan= Wait… that appears to have been our last act. I guess our judges will have to agree on which crap was the best crap.

Anakin= Hey! I want to do something! I’m a teen, gimme a beer!

RyanMan= No! We already told you that you are too young to compete! How did you get in here

Anakin= I’m not too young! I wanna get drunk! It’s soooo cool to get drunk!

RyanMan= Somebody gt this kid outta here

Link= Gladly

Link= Raaaah! Be afraid! I’ll chop you to little Jedi-bits!

Anakin= Waaaahhh!! Pointy! I’m outta here!

Link= I showed him

Leia= Oh yeah, great job. You scared a little kid

Ganondorf= Ha ha

Link= Shut up!

RyanMan= So can you guys decide who was the best?

Link= Me!

Leia= Fine. As long as it gets me closer to that beer

Ganondorf= Whatever. I just want outta here

Bob= Eh?

RyanMan= Then the vote is unanimous! Link is the Hylian Idol!

Link= So no change from the norm then

RyanMan= Alright, now just say goodbye to the camera and we can get the Hell out of here.

Link= Bye, camera!

Ganondorf= Just go away

Leia= BEER

RyanMan= Well, that’s the end of our show! Goodnight, folks!

Link= Hey… Gimme some sugar baby

Leia= ! Are you grabbing my boob?

Link= Oh come on, Zelda never puts out and I need my-

Leia= Here’s all you’ll get from me!

Link= Ah! If I’d known you were freakishly strong I’d have asked first!

Leia= Take this, pervert!

Link= *gets thrown across the room*

RyanMan= Oh. My. God. I’m getting out of here before it gets any worse.


And that’s the end of that. It was quite the adventure getting this done, but definitely more fun than a review article. I’d have to say that this and the Easter article have been my favorites so far. What you readers will think may vary, but I guess that differing opinions helps keep things fresh. So in conclusion, I must say that no matter whether you love or hate American Idol, I think that everyone can agree that Ganondorf would be an excellent judge.

I’m not sure about it yet, but I think I’m gonna make a mailing list for everyone who wants to know when I write a new article. So if you want in on this, just drop me an E-mail and I’ll add you to the list. Of course, if you want you could just check the site every couple days. To each his own. I really just need an excuse to do something with my account than let it collect spam.

Back from the void

As you may have or may have not noticed, I haven’t updated for the last 15(?) days. I have good reason. 1)I got Zelda and spent 3 days straight playing that. 2)My PC went coo-coo during spring break and I wasn’t able to use the internet. Only just today did I actually get it back to working. On the upside, my webcam also works now, so I can do articles on real things now, and not just stuff I can take printscreens of. Chat Radio 3 should be up by tomorrow at the latest, and I’m working hard on getting Airplane!, so expect a new article or two in the next little while. Also, I’ve updated the art gallery with a few pics. None of them were actually drawn by me, but it’s something to fill the void. ~Ryan out.

The Quest is over

You might have been visiting my other site here and discovered something quite saddening. But, to brighten your spirits, I’ll tell you this: I’ve been working on a couple different articles. And by that, I mean I just need to put the finishing touches on them before I upload them. Whee! Now that that’s out of the way, ZELDA’S COMING IN 14 DAYS!! …yeah, that’s about all I have to say for now. Adios.