Oceans of light envelop me

You know what? I’m not even going to bring it up past this short paragraph. It’s not going to happen. It’s just a name. It’s not worth shitting my pants over. (CONTEXT: The name “Wii” was just unveiled)

Now I’ve got a little dilemma. I seem to have forgotten to tell you about the Silent Hill movie, but I also promised I’d share my opinions on Brain Age today. I don’t want to do both, (why waste a good blog post?) so I’ll just have to push Brain Age to tomorrow. Again.

Okay, so Silent Hill. I love the games very dearly, and if you keep up with this blog, you knew that. So obviously I was very psyched about this movie. It also filled me with fear and sadness because as a rule, video game-based movies blow. Silent Hill did not blow, despite what Scott and Tycho may be telling you. I’m going to go on record and say that it’s the best video game movie ever made. In fact, I loved it. There were so many great things about it that I don’t know where to start. I guess the first thing to hit me was that at least half the music in the movie was ripped straight from the first game, or was at least so similar that I can’t tell the difference. Next, the camera work was brilliant, and very reminiscent of the game. Lastly, the “crazy world” parts were very well executed, and made me a very happy Ryan. The base of the story remained mostly the same, and there were some huge changes that kind of irked me, but I won’t spoil anything like that.

The things I didn’t like about it are as follows: 1) I miss Harry Mason. 2) The fact that it was based on the first game, yet featured Pyramid Head (along with his gigantic knife) from SH2 was a little dumb. 3) They totally trivialized the Lisa character. She could have just as well been cut altogether. 4) You know, that’s about it.

One last thing that doesn’t really need mentioning is something that would have scored huge points with me: if they had used the joke ending from the game. Everybody who hadn’t played the game however many times you need to get that ending would be stupified and angry, but I would have loved it. I’m pretty sure anyone else who has earned that ending would agree with me. Here’s hoping they use the SH2 joke ending in the likely sequel. All hail the Dog!

They bought and sold you

It’ll still be a couple days before I try to get back into the swing of things, but I figured that in the meantime, I’d distract you with a little blog rambling. To tell the truth though, I’ve got nothing. Nope, nothing to say. Nothing new anyway. Well, I did find the soundtracks for Baten Kaitos 1 and 2 on eBay about half an hour ago, and it’s taking every ounce of willpower in my body (and then some) to keep from blowing my hosting money on them and having to wait another eight days for new hosting funds to transfer over.

They’ve begun posting weekly videos over at the New Super Mario Bros site. So if you’re interested in that, then you might want to click my little link there.

I’m going to see Silent Hill tonight. As a gigantic fan of the games, I’ll have a very biased blog review tomorrow, assuming nothing gets in my way.

For the Tetris lover in all of us.

I’m a little surprised at how much people seem to hate the PSP. I’m starting to feel bad for the little guy. Did I really just type that?

Lastly, I feel the need to mention that Planet MegaMan is back up after what seems like forever. It’s still slowly recovering piece-by-piece, but it certainly looks spiffy.

The Surprise Bag That Time Forgot

Surprise bags have been a part of Torrential Equilibrium ever since its inception, and they will likely keep coming back again and again as long the site exists and as long I keep visiting dollar stores in other towns. They’re just so easy to review, they cost like $1.50 at most, and there’s always something interesting inside. Of course, I use the word “interesting” in its most literal sense, because the objects are curious and draw your attention. They are never in any way good, useful, or tasty. With the Nintendo Surprise goodies being the only exception to this rule.

The other great thing about surprise bags is that it’s always fun to try to find the oldest one. Now, I was pretty excited about the Nintendo Surprise, and as far as I can remember, they were about a year and a half old when I found them. Since then, finding old surprise bags has been my raison d’être, and you can imagine how happy I was when I came across Dick Turtle. I never found a year on those things, but forensic evidence, carbon dating, and some other impressive-sounding things have proven that eating the candy they contained was probably a bad idea. The last type of surprise bag I reviewed was wasn’t too old. Hell, it probably hadn’t even reached the year-old mark. But I had a whole bunch of them, and you know how it is here – quantity over quality.

So anyway, if the opening spiel, the link you clicked to get here, and that totally fancy title graphic that I spent way to much time on didn’t tip you off, I’m reviewing yet another new species of surprise bag. I’ll tell you now that based on age and disgusted reactions, this is by far the best surprise bag yet. It’s going to be hard to top, because it’s provided me with tons of material and I’ve got myself so hyped up about how great it’ll be that I worked extra hard on the title banner and put a huge amount of effort (in comparison to how much effort I usually put into an article) into the bonus that will be featured at the end.

I think I’ve prattled on for long enough. So now I present to you the oldest, most generic surprise bag I’ve seen in my life:

Oh yeah. Paydirt. It’s no more than some white paper folded up and stamped with clipart and some vague words. I would have loved to be the guy who designed this bag, simply because he got paid for literally doing something a three-year-old could do better. Or at least that’s how I imagine it went down. For all I know, it could have been made by a whole pack of slaves who tried their damnedest to prove that they should be paid for their work. The one thing I am sure about is that we’ll never know anything more about this surprise bag, because it doesn’t bear a single mark that could help distinguish where it came from. No company name, no date, no trademark or anything. For all we know, this could have been put together by some meth chefs during the off-season. Though now that I think of it, is there a meth off-season? I mean, it’s not like when dope farmers have to close up for the winter. Unless they have a greenhouse, I guess. But that’s all besides the point. I think. I’ve kind of forgotten what my point was.

Considering the cheapness of it all, I’m pretty impressed at how different those question marks are. They’re different colours, slightly different fonts, and they’re filled in differently. To tell the truth though, I can’t remember at all why I took this picture. It doesn’t show anything different than the big picture did, and there’s nothing to really read there either, so it’s a mystery to me.

I do find it a little sketchy that it says “candy or toy” on the bag. The interesting part being the “or.” Dick Turtle and the more colourful generic clown bag suggested that you’d be getting some of both in every bag, but this one is all about getting one or the other. Is it an accurate statement, or will we be surprised to find both toys as well as candy in the bag? Only time will tell, and if it proves wrong, I’ll have one more reason to hunt down the people who made these. Bad grammar cannot go unpunished! Unless it’s a typo in one of my articles. We can let those slip.

Do you think they just printed out every ingredient that’s ever been in anything, just so they could throw anything in there and their asses would be covered? That’s my theory. I’m pretty sure the only other place I’ve seen some of these ingredients is on shampoo bottles, so I’m kinda hoping that it’s gonna be just the toys this time around.

Also note that back of the bag features just as few noteworthy marks as the front. Unless you can trace objects by their barcodes, it’s like they wanted to make sure that we’d never be able to find them. And there would be good reason for that too. You’ll understand once we get in a little further.

Now do you see? It’s all candy! There are some cards too, but they don’t really count as toys or candy, so we’ll just write them off for now. After considering how ratty and uninspired the bag it, I wasn’t overly thrilled at the thought of how old the contents could be. I’ve never heard of any of these candies, but I guess that’s not so different from the situation presented by the other surprise bags. Well, that one other clown one did have a Chupa Chups lollipop in it, and that’s a brand that’s pretty easy to recognize. This one is all stuff that even the most prolific candy know-it-alls would likely be hard-pressed to identify. Hell, some of it doesn’t even have proper packaging. I was truly frightened by the prospect of putting some of these things in my mouth, and I’m still a little shaken by the whole experience. Fortunately, I didn’t have to suffer through it all on my own, but more on that later. Let’s have a look-see at what’s here.

You know, these little guys look oddly familiar. I just can’t put my finger on it… Well, I guess maybe they’re not ripping off Tic Tacs entirely. After all, the sticker indicated that they came from Barcelona. Yeah. What? That doesn’t sound so bad? Do you even know where Barcelona is? It’s in Spain! Spain is a long way away. I’ve never been, but one day maybe… Anyhow, it also shows that Hit is produced by a company called Nutrexpa, so I took a look to see what the ol’ internet had to say about Nutrexpa. This is their site. But don’t expect to learn anything unless you’re fluent in their language, as you can click the English option a many times as you like, but the site will still be mainly in this “castellano” they talk about so much. I, in my infinite wisdom, was able to surf the site without any trouble, but didn’t uncover anything. It’s a nice-looking site, but there’s almost nothing there. (Actually, the site just doesn’t get along well with FireFox. If you browse it in IE or whatnot, it’s all English and there are plenty of informaciónes.)

With all that red tape cleared up and out of the way, there was only one thing left to do: eat one of them. The bag was old and shitty, but the Hit container and the Nutrexpa website seemed pretty up-to-date, so I figured it wouldn’t be all that bad. Then I noticed the little black numbers on the front of the plastic container. 30.07.02 Now, there’s no proof that it’s the expiration date. It may be the “packaged” date for all we know, but history has proven that when there’s only one set of numbers that they signify when the shit inside will go bad. And this stuff passed its prime three and a half years ago. Ouch.

With my confidence shaken, I decided that I’d bite the bullet anyway. What kind of entertainer would I be if I didn’t put my physical wellness on the line for a laugh? After convincing myself that there’s no way tiny little mints like these could go bad, I took it like a man and popped one in my mouth. At first, it wasn’t so bad. Then I started to bite down, and a horrifying chill went down my spine. I quickly spit the thing out and looked at it. These babies my look like Tic Tacs, but they’re made more like regular hard candies. Regaining my courage, I put it back in and chewed it up. It wasn’t so bad. A little more brittle (for lack of a better word) than I’m normally comfortable with, but there wasn’t anything overly wrong with it. The issue was all in my head, and now that I had a little confidence under my belt, I was ready to take on whatever else this bag threw at me.

Okay, maybe I’m not that ready. You know, I’m not sure if the fact that there are no indications whatsoever of what these are, where they came from, and how old they are should comfort or frighten me. They could date back to the American Civil War for all I know, or on the other hand, they might have been produced a week ago. Based on what we’ve seen so far, I’m not exactly overflowing with confidence. There’s nothing to really make preamble out of here, so I’ll just cut right to the chase.

As you may have guessed, they were hollow gumballs. Okay. That’s not so bad. I’m pretty sure that gumballs are like cartoon characters and never really age no matter how long they’re around for. They were almost as hard as jawbreakers on the first bite, but they ended up being just as chewy as normal gum, so I can’t say it was a bad experience eating these things. Chalk up another victory for me. This surprise bag may be outdated, but it can’t possibly defeat me. Nope. No way in hell.

At least that’s what I thought at the time. But just how dead wrong I was, even I wasn’t prepared to find out.

Enter Dubu gum. It looks pretty normal, right? Nothing overly suspicious about it. Well, that’s how it seems at a first glance anyway. Further investigation of the package reveals that this stuff also hails from Spain. No year on it, but our adventures in Spanish candy haven’t been too thrilling so far. The other notable thing is that it’s peppermint-flavoured gum. Well, it’s not really notable, but now we know exactly what it’s supposed to taste like. Peppermint gum isn’t exactly hard to come across. Sadly, this shit was anything but peppermint.

This gunk was grody. And I mean “roadkill covered in diarrhoea” grody. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that if I have to suffer, I do my best to make sure someone else suffers with me. So since I was “blessed” with so much of this dubious Dubu, I decided the only logical thing to do was to have my family eat some too. Below are some of their comments.

-Eric: “Tastes like wax and toothpaste. Smells… Horrible.”

-Mom: “It smells like pee!”

-Dad: “Smells like somebody peed on a mint. I’m not putting that in my mouth.”

-Patrick: “I like it. Tastes good.”

I kid you not. Those quotes are verbatim. Down to the punctuation. As for what I thought? Well, have you ever had one of those Christmas tree ornaments that are supposed to smell like candy canes? I do, and if you haven’t ever seen/smelled one, I’d be glad to show you sometime. Anyway, the gum smelled almost exactly like that, except slightly more rancid. I can’t believe that after smelling that thing that I actually put it in my mouth, but I did. Almost without thinking. As soon as I bit down, I spit it out all over and almost vomited. But, you know, that would have been alright. Vomit tastes way better than old Dubu gum. It was probably the worst thing I’ve ever tasted. Ever. And I’ve eaten oysters (By accident. I’ll tell you the story some other time). The consistency was… well, since one of my brothers actually liked the stuff I guess it was like that of normal gum, But I didn’t have it in my mouth anywhere long enough to know for sure.

On the upside, that’s one more lesson learned for me. If I ever see Dubu gum again, I will hold onto it and offer some to anyone who angers me even in the slightest. It would be a great – and relatively harmless – form of revenge. And maybe torture too…

Sensor chewy candy. Oh, hey! It’s strawberry-flavoured! How could this go wrong? This is how. It’s got approximately a year on the Hit candy. I’m not gonna be putting a very large bet on this horse. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this experience so far, it’s that candy has an expiration date for a reason. It may seem timeless, but the shit does worsen with age. Maybe not as fast as say, milk, but it happens.

Being me, I was enticed by the claims of “chewy” and “strawberry” all over the package, so I popped one in. You’d think I would have learned by now.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t remember the last candy I ate that was advertised as “chewy” that was not dissimilar to chewing on a rock. You see that image above? It’s a little blurry, but you should be able to tell quite well that it’s split very finely in two. Why do I point this out? Chewy candy does not split in two! I hurt my teeth when I clamped my jaw down on that little sucker! You could probably take a hammer and chisel to one of these things and find fossils inside. Needless to say, there wasn’t a whole lot of strawberry present either.

I’m kind of a slob, so when I was done with the stuff I just left it sitting on my floor (I got the bag and took the pics about a good week before I started writing this article). A couple days later, my dogs wandered in. Poor little guys didn’t seem to like the stuff either, as one of them came out with a piece in his mouth, gnawing desperately at it in hopes of putting a dent in it. The other one ate the leftover red gumball. It was funny at the time, but then I realized that since I’m the one that stays home with them all day that I’d likely be cleaning up the resulting doggy vomit. As luck would have it, that’s just what happened.

Well lookie here! These not only look contemporary, but they also seem to be North American-made. Things are finally starting to look up! Upon closer inspection, it turns out they’re actually produced in Hamilton, Ontario. That’s the best news I’ve gotten all day! They even advertise their website on the package. In an unlucky twist of fate, said website is currently broken. Or something like that. Maybe they’re just doing maintenance right now and by the time you read this it’ll be back up and working. God knows that I’m not going to be trying to get there anymore.

Sadly, that wasn’t all the information listed on the package. They also included a “best before” date. That date reads 30.01.03. Yeah, just over three years. But, at least it says “best before” and not “expires.” There is a difference between the two.

There’s actually an interesting note about the gum here. While most gumballs are round or oval, these ones are shaped more like fat barrels. And by that I mean they’ve got two parallel flat spots, rather than being entirely round. I’m not sure if they were meant to be this way, but considering that all three gumballs in the package are shaped the same way, I’m willing to bet that it was intentional. But now I’m just trying to drag it on. Let’s see how they’ve stood up against the test of time.

To start, they smelled like dust. A bad omen if I’ve ever smelled one. But I put the Dubu gum in my mouth after smelling it, so I have no excuse to chicken out on these things. It came as a bit of a surprise that the one I “ate” actually tasted like dust as well. Dust with a hint of lemon. The sourness was definitely gone many a year ago, and they actually managed to taste like old. Keeping in mind, of course, that I don’t know exactly what old tastes like. I’ve never licked anyone’s grandma. Not surprisingly, the gum was pretty damned hard. Not as hard as rocks like those red gumballs, but hard enough to deter me from continuing to try to eat one. If these guys were best before January in 2003, they likely expired two months or so after.

You can’t really tell by the picture, but these suckers appeared a bit paler that usual. There’s not really anything to go on from here, unfortunately. It’s a good thing I’m close to the end. I don’t know how much more of this crap I can take.

While there was a slight hint of something I didn’t recognize, the suckers actually tasted pretty normal. Not great, but they didn’t activate my gag reflex, and that’s always a plus. I still wouldn’t recommend ingesting one, because only God knows what that little mystery taste is. It might just be old, but it could be something far more frightful. The thing about surprise bags like this is that the mysteries don’t end one you see what’s inside. The products I’ve seen so far prompt more questions than they answer, and my overactive imagination isn’t a great trait when I think about why these things taste as horrible as they do.

Wow. Just wow.

I didn’t realize the “Otoban” was popular enough to have it’s own gum. And they even come with stickers! Check it out. But why bikes? Oh well.

Upon opening the Otoban gum, I was surprised to discover that it looked exactly like Dubble Bubble gum. Except gray. Well, that’s not good. As with the Dubu gum, I had given it a try prior to writing this article, and I have some comments on this stuff too.

-Eric: “Still tastes like gum, but it’s freakin’ hard.”

-Mom: “Disgusting, vile. It’s like eating chalk.”

I didn’t get enough of this stuff to go all the way around, but three impressions are better than one. As for me, I again popped it in my mouth without really thinking of the consequences. There was no initial taste, but when I bit down I got the worst surprise. The damn thing splintered into a billion tiny fragments and I immediately spit out as much as I could. It had about the same texture as glass. It was like there were a billion shards of sadness in my mouth. It did not taste like gum, and I have no idea how my brother managed to get any flavour out of it. All I was left with was the feeling of having a thick layer of dust caked on my tongue. It was similar to eating dried-out Play-Doh, except without the unique Play-Doh taste.

The final group of items in the bag were, thankfully, not edible. The cards were a huge flashback for me, because back when I was between four and 11 years old, I collected all sorts of cards. Sports, movies, dinosaurs, video games – anything that came in card form, I would collect. But there were a couple things about these cards that stood out.

First off, I’d never even heard of the movie “Baby.” From what I can glean from the cards, it seems like something that may have influenced Jurassic Park, but of course, I only know small bits of the story. In any case, there’s a pretty good indication of why I’ve never heard of this movie on each card: it was released in 1985. That’s a year before I was even born. Before I was conceived, even. That also makes these cards the oldest dated items found in the bag. Probably the oldest items I own, too. The other thing is just a personal annoyance. On the back of every card, the assumed tagline for the movie reads “Great New Adventure Movie.” Does that sound overly Engrish to anyone else? It’s also a shitty tagline.

I did a quick IMDb search for “Baby,” but the only movie with that title that was produced in 1985 is this. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for. I don’t care enough to do any more searching either, so Baby will remain a mystery to me until the end of time. I don’t rightly care though.

As happy as I was to find a perfect Surprise Bag to write a review of, I can’t say I was overly thrilled to have even put some of that stuff in my mouth. It was really bad. Like, the Nintendo gum at least just tasted bad, it wasn’t vile. I had to go to some rather extreme measures to wash some of those horrible tastes and residues out of my mouth. But hey, on the upside, it got easier as time went by.

Rest assured though, that a bad experience will not deter me in my quest to find and review as many surprise bags as humanly possible. Of course, if you hate the surprise bag articles, that’s not a good thing, but you’re going to have to deal with them. I’ve got a good thing going here, and if you think I’m going to give it up, you’re dead wrong. I don’t know really how to go out here, so I’ve attatched a sweet little gallery to the end of the article. Enjoy!


Bonus! – The Baby Card Mini-Gallery

Between my surprise bag and the two my brother got, we claimed quite a few of these “Baby” collector’s cards. Seeing as they’re moderately interesting, I’ve scanned both sides of every card at a respectable resolution and put them all up in this spanktastic gallery for you to gawk at. Just look at how much effort I put into making the thumbnails! What a waste of time!


 
 

Baby Stickers
What could the big picture be?

TE Top 10: Video Games of 2005

It’s that time of year again. The time when we look back and pick out our favourites of everything and anything that happened during the year. Most people do their “top whatever” lists in early December, but I like to hold off until the first week of January so as not to miss anything that might just squeak by. Oh, and my list is one of video games. Just in case.

There are a few rules that certainly have big effects on my list. First and foremost, I don’t include any re-releases, no matter how much of an update they’ve gotten. Also, it is comprised only of games I’ve played. It would be kind of ruin the integrity of the list if I just threw any old game on it. The little problem with this is that I didn’t play a whole lot of games this year. Sure, compared to some people, I may have played a lot, but there wasn’t a whole lot of variety. I probably only rented like five or six games total this year. But oh well. That’s what you get.

That’s pretty much the whole intro. What else is there really to say? I’m gonna be doing enough reflection in the bajillion words below, so I don’t really need any of that here. So yeah. Go.

~ #11 (honourable mention) ~

Trauma Center: Under The Knife

Let me start by explaining the honourable mention. See, I haven’t really played Trauma Center. I have played the demo version, which was in Japanese, but I haven’t played the whole game. And since I haven’t actually played the whole game, I can’t in good faith give it a real spot on the list. But rest assured that if had, it would totally be there. What I did play of Trauma Center was really cool, and somewhat challenging as well. The game has topped my “most wanted” list since long before it came out, but alas, I’ve yet to find it anywhere. The local Electronics Boutiques have both informed me that they won’t be getting any more, and if EB isn’t getting any more, nuts to all the other stores. The only hope I have left is… eBay? Maybe I’m gonna have to investigate the Microplay scene. If anyone ever sees it, there’s a very generous bounty to be claimed… *hint hint*

EDIT: By the time this was posted, I got the game. As expected, it r0x0rz my b0x0rz.

~ #10 ~

Lost in Blue

Lost is Blue is lucky. Lucky that I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy of Trauma Center. It’s also lucky that Metal Gear Solid 3 was just a little too complicated and silly for my tastes. Actually, there are a lot of games I considered for this position, but Lost in Blue is just so neat that I couldn’t deny it.

A sequel to the underappreciated Survival Kids for the Game Boy Colour, Lost in Blue is a sim of a different persuasion. The idea of the game is that you’re stranded on an island with a girl, and you have to survive and find a way off the island. Or just survive. You don’t have to escape if you don’t want to. There are plenty of thins to do on the island, like rummage for food, collect stuff, make that stuff into tools, build furniture, hunt animals, explore, and more. The island provides a ton of stuff to do, and it’s up to you when you want to do it and if you even want to do it at all. the only thing you have to do (if you don’t want to lose) is to keep yourself and the girl alive. Otherwise, it’s all up to you. You’re even provided with the chance to play through as the girl once you complete the game, which offers an entirely different way to play the game.

Such open-ended gameplay usually has one of two effects on people: it either sucks you in completely, or you get bored right away. The only big difference between this and similar games like The Sims or Animal Crossing is that in Lost in Blue you do actually have an objective, so there is something compelling you to move forward. Not to mention that there are like a jillion different endings, based on your actions and relationship with the opposite character. The only real complaint I have to lodge against the game is that animals only appear in one area, and it takes a lot to get up there. Plus, hunting is really hard/requires luck more than anything.

~ #9 ~

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

This is the game I’d been waiting for since the DS was released. Aria of Sorrow is my favourite GBA game, and things could only get better with a sequel, right? Right. While it seems kind of harsh to give Dawn of Sorrow 9th place, it’s not so bad on the grand scale. 9th best of all the games I’ve played this year? Not too bad at all.

Castelvania: Dawn of Sorrow is the continued adventure of Soma Cruz, a regular-type guy who just happened to inherit Dracula’s powers by some cruel twist of fate. In Aria of Sorrow, he had to escape Dracula’s castle and keep from being corrupted by his powers. This time around, he’s in pretty deep, as some crazy cult is out to get him and his powers. The story is of the least importance, however, as the game itself is a testament to what beauty can be created on the DS. The game plays out in two dimensions, but every now and then there’s a 3D background that will just blow you away. The touch screen itself is used rather sparsely, but the fact that there are two screens is the single best improvement in a Castelvania game ever. See, the top screen can be used as a map screen, and that in itself is one capital reason to champion the DS. In any game with a map, especially Castelvania, it’s always a hassle to stop to check the map every few steps/rooms, and Dawn of Sorrow eliminates this issue completely by having the map ready for you at all times.

Even without the pretty graphics and cool features, the gameplay itself is more than noteworthy. Like its predecessor, Dawn of Sorrow uses a system of powerups fueled by the souls of your enemies. Every monster in the game has a soul which you can extract and use to your advantage. Some are simple abilities, like gaining throwing knives or summoning familiars, but others so some really cool stuff like letting you do a super jump or regenerating life. The game is pretty balanced, giving you a challenge while never being overly frustrating. Some bosses might drive you nuts, but a couple level-ups or the right soul combination could remedy the problem easily. There are a few different endings, a lackluster “enemy set” mode that you can challenge your friends to, and a handful of unlockables. Those unlockables include a sound test, a boss rush mode, hard mode, and a special mode that’s almost an entirely different game.

~ #8 ~

The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction

While I’d love to go on and on about this one, it seems I already have. I’d give you a link straight to it, but I’m feeling far too lazy at the moment to figure out the URL and all that shit you need to go through to make a link. So I’ll just type some stuff about the game instead.

Ultimate Destruction is more or less my dream free-roaming game. Of course, my overall dream game would contain many elements of UD, but it would be entirely different, and most likely 2D. Anyway, why do I love this game so much? For one, it’s all about destroying shit. There’s no stealth, no items, no rules. Just pure, unadulterated smashing. The game is basically split up into three categories (all rolled into one, but you won’t be doing one at the same time as another): free-roaming, missions, and sub-missions. The free-roaming is pretty obvious. You traipse around town as the Hulk, breaking whatever you see fit, jumping erratically, and basically just having a great time. The world is your oyster, and you may smash it as you please. Sadly, most of the buildings in the game are indestructible, but it’s still plenty of fun to destroy what can be destroyed. Heck, even my dad was impressed my this game, and the only interaction he has with any video game besides Pitfall is making fun of them.

The missions are pretty straight-forward as well. You’re usually either out to catch or destroy something, sometimes both. Pretty much any mission that strays from that formula has you high-tailing a piece of technology back to your church base. While these missions may not be geared toward destruction, they’re usually rather tricky, and that can provide much fun and frustration. Sub-missions are usually normal things like “race to here so fast” or “save pedestrians from the burning building”. Some however, are completely off-the-wall and have you batting soldiers falling from a helicopter or playing golf with an oil pump and a huge ball of steel. You’re ranked on the sub-missions, and getting gold on the better part of them is really friggin’ hard.

I think the thing that really ties the game together and takes it from good to great, is the freedom is gives you. You’ve all played on iteration of GTA or another, and I can’t help but feel that all of these games feel stuffy and that the controls don’t really flow. Hulk, however, has a very natural feel to it, and once you get down the controls, it’s a very nice feeling you get when you realize you didn’t even have to thing about that insanely complex string of jumps or beatdowns you just launched. It has the same feeling of freedom that Super Mario 64 had, where you feel almost completely unrestrained, allowed to do whatever you please. That’s precisely the reason why Super Mario 64 is my favourite game of all-time, and that’s why I treasure Hulk: Ultimate Destruction as much as I do.

~ #7 ~

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time

I made fun of Metal Gear Solid 3 a few paragraphs back for being silly, so why on earth does Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time rank so highly on my list? Simple: Mario & Luigi is based around silliness. The first game, Superstar Saga, set a good rhythm of intuitive gameplay and hilarious dialogue, and Partners in Time is in perfect step with it’s older brother.

The best part of the Mario & Luigi series thus far is the story aspect. And I’m not just talking about plot here. The dialogue is written with more than a pinch of humour, the characters are all extremely lively and often outrageous, and yeah, even the plot is pretty good. While in most RPGs, you’ll spend a lot of time fooling around and making sure you don’t miss anything, in Partners in Time you’ll be heading pretty much straightforward the whole time. Yes, you might go back to play some mini-games over or level a bit (it’s not that necessary), but most of the time you’ll just be moving forward. While it’s somewhat due to the fact that you’ll always want to see what’s going to happen next, I have to admit that the game is pretty linear. There are no sidequests to speak of, which is sad, and no bonuses after you beat the final boss, but chances are that you’ll be having so much fun you won’t miss those things.

The gameplay itself is unique to the series (and in a way, to the entire line of Mario RPGs), in that battles take both real-time and turn-based elements. In this game, you have play not only as Mario and Luigi, but the baby-sized bros as well. This situation has you playing as four characters at once, with each bro assigned to his own face button. Luckily, the only time you have to use all four buttons in tandem in four-bro battles, and this can lead to some hairy situations if you haven’t memorized your buttons. A lot of the time, the pairs will split up and do their own thing, and then you only have to look after two bros at once. Action commands liven up the battles, helping you max out your damage potential and avoid enemy attacks entirely, sometimes ever scoring a counterattack. While the action commands in the Paper Mario games would only serve to ease battles a little bit, in the Mario & Luigi games, if you’re really good, you could probably finish the game without getting hit once.

All in all, the game is as good or slightly better than the first. While the battling can sometimes get overly complex, it’s always fun and keeps you interested and involved, unlike traditional RPGS. If you want some more details, go check out the (very) short review in the 2005 Christmas article.

~ #6 ~

We <3 Katamari

What? What’s not fun about rolling a ball? Balls are like the first things we play with as babies, and even as we grow up, they still play a big roll (punny!) in our lives (at least for those of us who aren’t afraid of sports). So why not make a game that’s key feature is that you get to roll around a ball? Namco took up the challenge, and after the super-niche hit Katamari Damacy took the world by storm, what else could they do but appease the fans and roll out the Katamari for another go?

Katamari Damacy was the main reason I purchased my PS2. Yeah. That’s right, I got it mostly for a single game. A game I hadn’t even played at the time. Call me what you will, but it was money well spent. For hours I rolled around that katamari, and never yearned for more. The game didn’t offer a ton of gameplay outside rolling up as much crap as you could, but it was good enough. Like how people could play Space Invaders or Pac-Man obsessively. But Namco decided that we were worth it, and they put their best minds to the test and released We <3 Katamari sometime in mid-2005. What I got, I never would have expected. The game had been expanded with so many new stages, challenges, features, objects, and playable characters. They even managed to build in a cooperative mode that puts two people at the reins of a single Katamari.

The object of the game is to appeal to the fans of the King of All Cosmos, and roll around your Katamari. No big difference, right? Well this time, it’s not just a challenge to get your Katamari as big as you can within a time limit. No, there are stages that have you collect so many objects, roll a Katamari as fast as you can, keep a fire burning, and even one stage where you have to build a snowman. The wealth of new challenges is very pleasing, and it only gets better. In the first game, you could roll up presents for your character to wear, and cousins to be used in Battle mode. This time, there are a ton more of each, and the various characters can be used in single player as well (though they make no more than an aesthetic difference). Even the “select meadow”, the game’s hub of sorts, is fun to play around in. The only part that drags the game down is that Namco didn’t include any “eternal” stages, so you’re always working on a time limit. While I do miss them, it’s safe to say the game is of no lesser value because they’re gone.

What else do I need to say to get you to play this game? Do I need to tell you that it’ll fellate you as you play? Because I’m ready to tell you whatever you need to hear. If there’s one game you need to play on this list, it’s We <3 Katamari. The quirky graphics, abundant humour, and stellar yet simple gameplay are more than a match for you, so I want you to give this one a shot. I can’t guarantee you’ll love it like I do, but the odds of having fun are stacked heavily in your favour.

~ #5 ~

MegaMan Zero 4

I’m probably going to include the newest MegaMan Zero game somewhere on every future list like this, as long as they keep up the excellent trend. While MegaMan games usually peak in goodness around the second or third game, the Zero series gets better every time. And in leaps and bounds to boot.

MegaMan Zero had the core gamplay down. It was full of action, and was one of the few games of its day that could give you a real headache. Zero 2 didn’t add many features, but lengthened the game and pumped up the difficulty to near-impossible. Zero 3, which earned a spot on last year’s list, toned down the difficulty to a “gifted-human” level, added a handful of new features and tweaked some old ones to make them more user-friendly. The latest game, aptly titled MegaMan Zero 4, is again tweaking and adding whatever it can. Most notably, the tedium of earning and arranging Cyber-Elves is gone. You now have a single elf which you can level up and customize to give you whatever boost you might need. This game’s new weapon, the Z-Knuckle, lets you rip enemies apart and take their weapons for yourself. Some are offensive, some are devensive. Some have ammo limits, some you can blast away with forever. Some are guns, some fit in more with the club family. All in all, the Z-Knuckle provides you with a huge assortment of options and makes for a great addition to Zero’s personal weapons cache.

The upgrade chip system from the previous game returns, although this time you have to make the chips, not find them. You make these chips by picking of parts from defeated enemies and mashing them together. The only flaw here is that the game provides very few chip recipes, so you’ll have to figure out most of them by trial and error or a trip to GameFAQs. Another new feature is the weather changing system. Each stage can be affected by two types of weather, one is a little rougher and gives the boss an advantage, and the other will likely make your jaunt through the stage a lot easier. Obviously, you’ll need to play with the harder weather to get a good rank, but it also serves as the only way to procure the boss’ EX Skills, which is a lot easier than keeping up an A or S rank. Zero 4 also has its own share of unlockable mini-games, and the requirements for most of them are not nearly as obscenely difficult as those in Zero 3.

Overall, it’s a very satisfying game. There hasn’t been such a well-balanced MegaMan game since MegaMan X, and that one didn’t even have all the cool features that Zero 4 boasts. The downside is that… Hmmm… SPOILERS! (Sort of.) Highlight the text to read! The downside is that the ending really wraps everything up. And I mean really wraps everything up. Most of the events that play out near the end and during the final scenes point towards this being the last of the series, and that’s not cool. Though Capcom has pulled many stuns like this in the past (especially with MegaMan), so I doubt things are as grave as they want you to think.

~ #4 ~

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Honestly, I’m gonna come out and say it: This is the best Zelda game since A Link to the Past. It’s not that I didn’t like the games in between, but Ocarina of Time is way overhyped, and Majora’s Mask and The Wind Waker were still missing something. Link’s Awakening was my favourite Zelda game before this (though I think LttP is a better game on the whole. Professional and personal preference are two very different things), I never really got to play the Oracle games, and Four Swords is really in a category of its own. And even if you don’t agree that it’s the best Zelda game, it’s got no competition when you’re asking about the best GBA game ever.

Some people are complaining about the declining number of dungeons in Zelda games. But really, that number was never set in stone. The first game has nine, Link’s Adventure has six, LttP has at least 12, and Link’s Awakening has eight. There are about 11 in OoT, five or six in MM, and the Wind Waker is kind of ambiguous, because some things seem like dungeons, but half the population says no and half says yes. The Minish Cap tops in with five official dungeons, but that’s not really a big deal. The game in itself is huge, with a fully fleshed-out Hyrule to explore, as well as the many little bits that make up the Minish World. There are tons and tons of caves, grottoes, attics, and temples to explore, as well as a smaller world in the sky. The game itself is full of life, overflowing with personality and Zelda charm. Hyrule town is easily the liveliest and most colourful Zelda town ever, and there are characters spread out to even the furthest reaches of the land.

The graphics are a huge part of the game, as they’re unbelievably rich and detailed. Everywhere you go, you’ll be treated to beautiful scenery and extensively animated characters and enemies. The soundtrack is also worthy of note, being of uber-high quality and composed of new tunes and classic themes alike. I swear, this is the first Zelda game since the first to properly utilize the Legend of Zelda theme. The big cave in the graveyard also has a magnificent theme, though to tell the truth, I can’t remember what theme it is. Voices are strewn about pretty liberally, but never manage to get annoying. The difficulty of the game is maybe a bit lacking (it’s no Zelda 2), but it’s certainly not an easy quest to complete.

I’d love to ramble on some more about the Minish Cap, but I already did it once. Go back and check the January 2005 archive page. It’s got an even more long-winded spiel than I’ve put out here, so the inquisitive should definitely check that out. No bones about it, if you have a GBA/DS and you don’t own this game, you’re seriously depriving yourself.

~ #3 ~

Mario Kart DS

Mario Kart has always been the kart racing game that all the other kart racing games want to be. It’s easy to see why, too. Mario Kart has always had the two essential ingredients for a great game: fun and simplicity. Racing sims are way too hard for those of us who are no so hardcore, and we need something to satiate our needs for speed. Mario Kart does just the trick, as just about anyone can pick it up and get halfway good within a matter of minutes.

While the game itself is excellent, there is only one reason that Mario Kart DS got as high a ranking as it did: the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. You may think me a bit pompous when I say that Mario Kart DS is an extremely important game. For a company that went a good five years or so saying that online play is unimportant, Nintendo sure did build some massive hype over the launch of the Nintendo WFC. Not only were people buying into it, but that fact that Mario Kart, a universally loved game, would be the first Nintendo game to enter the good graces of online play. Of course, this went over huge, and the whole world is abuzz with Mario Kart fever. While there are a few limits on what you can do online, it’s still an excellent diversion from trying to find people to play with locally.

But the online play isn’t the only saving grace of Mario Kart DS. No, the single player experience is full of greatness, jam-packed with more features that your tiny little brain could imagine. Most notably is the fact that there are twice as many courses as Mario Kart usually presents. Sure, half of them are taken from the past games in the series (four each), but that still adds up to an amazing amount of racing. There are also missions this time around, some of them strange, some of them mind-bendingly difficult. To top that off, you’ve got actual bosses. That’s right. Diddy Kong Racing tried and failed, but Mario Kart DS has successfully mixed bosses into the kart racing world. Battle mode, while not available online, has been extended to include eight players rather than the normal four. This may not seem like a huge change, but the games are way more frantic when you’ve got eight people launching shells and bananas at once.

For the hard sell, look at it this way: I’m not a fan at all of racing games, but Mario Kart has always been so accessible that even a guy like me can really get into it. I’d say that Mario Kart DS is the DS game to own, but It’d be pretty redundant, as anyone in their right mind who owns a Nintendo DS has this game. Especially now that it comes bundled with the hot red DS.

~ #2 ~

Killer7

Killer7, how much do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I made a conscious decision when Killer7 was released that I wouldn’t buy it. To this day, I’ve kept that vow, but not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. I would trade all the half-baked Mario spin-offs and impulse buys in my GC library for this single game. Ever since I returned it to Blockbuster video, I wish I’d bought Killer7. I’m probably the last guy on Earth to know anything about love, but I’m pretty sure that when you think about something every day, there’s something pretty significant there.

Killer7 is easily one of the most off-the-wall games ever created. The story is deeper than the Grand Canyon, and intricate enough to confuse even the rocketingest of scientists. Many little bits of the plot are omitted, and the information they do give you is all out of order, so just understanding the story is challenge enough. Then they add a thick layer of highly stylized graphics on top and flesh it all out with some excellent audio, and you’ve definitely got the whole package. Oh, and did I mention that the gameplay rocks too? Yeah, it does. While the game places you on a rail, and only lets you travel backwards and forwards (and change direction at junctions of course), there is still a huge sense of exploration, as the stages are impressively large and contain a great many paths to travel. The core gameplay is shooting, and the fact that your enemies are naturally invisible just makes it that much more exhilarating. A quick scan will bring them into the visible realm, however, and then it’s just a quick draw competition to see if you can cap their weak points before they get to close and make your head a splode.

Killer7 Really has everything a great game needs. It presents fantastic production values, has a story solid enough to compare to Donny Darko, and is just a blast to play. Not to mention that it’s pretty tough, and gets insane on Hard mode. There are a couple unlockable modes too, if the regular game isn’t enough to quench your thirst for excellent gameplay. But there’s no way you’ll walk away from this one disappointed. If you do, you’re lame. And I really need to go pick this one up.

~ #1 ~

Resident Evil 4

Obvious? Yes. Deserving? Totally. If you didn’t see this one coming a mile away, you need to get your eyes checked. Resident Evil 4 brings so many upgrades to the series that it’s almost an entirely different game. You know what? Scratch that. It is an entirely different game.

The original Resident Evil might have been harder than adamantium, but it was a breath of fresh air for those of use who needed something a little different. Nearly every sequel improved on the formula, with the only exceptions being the Gun Survivor spin-offs (which sucked) and the online games (which I can’t judge, cause I haven’t played either). While other sequels and remakes made small improvements here and there, RE4 takes the idea and completely re-moulds it. Tying in only loosely with older games through a couple characters and some mention of previous events, RE4 literally takes you out of the Resident Evil world. No longer are you fighting for survival against zombies in Raccoon city. Now, you’re thrown into a rural European village, where the locals have been consumed by parasites and are out for blood. The static camera is gone, and now you can aim in more directions than straight, up and down. The inventory system is totally reinvented, letting you carry as many items as you can squeeze into your attache case, rather than having to try to get by with 6-8 item slots. Typewriters are still your saving tool, but item boxes are gone, and you’re no longer forced to find seven billion different keys. Bullets are more plentiful than ever now that enemies drop items, but you’ll still manage to run out now and then.

The game all comes together under what might be the best graphics ever and some seriously spooky tunes, and some top-tier voice work. There are plenty of things to keep you occupied should you become tired of the main game, and of course, there’s a hard mode that will have you ripping your hair out. The game was originally released exclusively for the GameCube, but due to it’s immense success (this game most definitely sold more than a few GameCubes), it’s recently been ported to the PS2. One might expect that on a technologically inferior console, Capcom would have had to make some concessions in the graphics department, but as far as I’ve heard it’s as pretty as ever and doesn’t even suffer from slowdown (like the PS2 Killer7 apparently does). Add on a handful of significant extras, and you’re set to impress.


There’s one thing that I have to get through before I finish. Sadly, the list became out-of-date even before I finished it. See, I had it written out to about number seven, and let it fall to the wayside for a couple weeks before I finished up. In that time, I was able to find and obtain Trauma Center, and I played a couple games that I definitely would have put on the list had it not already been decided, namely Prince of Persia: the Two Thrones and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. But alas, the list was intended for games I played in 2005, and those two didn’t come to my attention until 2006. Oh well. Also, it’s really hard to remember all the games I played over the course of the year, so I’m sure there’s at least one deserving title I forgot.

And speaking of deserving titles, some that come immediately to mind include: Jump Superstars (DS), Metal Gear Solid 3 (PS2), Meteos (DS), Kirby Canvas Curse (DS), and shadow of the Colossus (PS2). While many skeptics thought it would die off quickly and made fun of its “small” launch lineup, the DS has had an absolutely mind-blowing year, pumping out all sorts of great games. And with my acquisition of my own PS2, I’ve certainly been exposed to many more games that I would have if I’d stuck it out with only my Nintendos by my side. The more the merrier, you know?

I feel kind of bad that there wasn’t a little more variety on the list, but that’s kind of what you get for playing mostly the same kinds of games, I guess. you’re thinking it, but you should know that I didn’t rate the games on fanboyism alone. No. If that had been the case, there would have been a lot more Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare on it. I picked my games based on either how much time I spent with them, and how much I want to play them when I’m doing something else. Heck, on that latter note alone, Killer7 should have taken first, but I’ve gotta be fair. Seriously. I think about Killer7 and how much I love it all the time. I really should have bought it… In any case, I’ll be keeping a list of games that I play in 2006 so that I’ll have an easier time coming up with the ten best when December rolls around.

The first paragraph contains gross. You were warned.

I just saw the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen on children’s programming. It was this frightening dancing puppet that was a dead ringer for the infamous Brian Peppers, just with popsicle stick arms. Chills me to the bone. After a little research, I fould a picture of the monster. A bit small, but you get the idea.

In other news, went to a hockey game last night. Kickass game, the Moose raped the Peoria Rivermen 6 to 1, and there were some fantastic goals; the first in particular. But there was one thing bugging me the whole time: Peoria. Sound familiar? And to top that off, their logo resembles Stan from American Dad. It left me pondering if by chance Seth McFarlane was the owner of the team. Also, at one point there was a “wave” going around for like 3 minutes, and I lost three precious minutes of hockey because it was so damned entrancing. Did I mention that the box seats at the MTS Centre are ultra-posh?

The best part of the game, however, was during the last two minutes. Seriously, 1:06 left on the clock and a brawl breaks out. At first it’s just the standard two guys throwing down, but then a couple more guys start throwing punches, and finally a third pair starts trying to beat each other’s face in. It was magical. Anyone who says hockey is boring needs to go to a Moose game. I’ve never been disappointed, and that’s even without the beer. (Seriously, it’s too goddamned expensive.)

The Ryanland Horror

So I just watched “The Amityville Horror”. Not a great movie, but it had some disturbing imagery, so I’m satisfied. The ghosts and the basement scene towards the end gave off a really strong Silent Hill vibe, and that’s actually a movie I really want to see. I don’t like the Silent Hill games for gameplay value so much as the atmosphere and storytelling, which is different for me, because usually I don’t give two shits about the story and whatnot. With that in mind, I believe that it could make the move to the big screen faily well. But anyway, onto the main point of the post.

I’ll admit it, “scary” movies (excluding slashers) do strike some irrational fear into my heart. I don’t have any idea why, but I always have trouble with darkness and sleeping after a horror flick, no matter how cheezy/stupid/boring it is. You may think less of me for this, but that’s the way it’s always been. I’m trying to overcome it (I’m typing this in the dark), but the fear is always there. The wierd thing is, I’ve never been scared by a videogame, even if they contain essentially the same things as the movies that send chills down my spine. I mean, SH4 should scare the living daylights out of me, cause it’s filled with ghosts and horrid imagery (To be fair, there is a single room in the game that I refuse to enter, because it does creep the hell out of me), but no such fear. Even the first Silent Hill should be horrifying even though its graphical prowess is limited, but again, nothing.

I do have a sort of conclusion though. See, in the games, I’m always in control, and I’m able to defeat, overcome or escape anything that threatens me. Thusly, my brain interperets that if anything like that were to come at me, I should be able to defeat it as I did in the game, even though it may have involved some crazy voodoo magic which I don’t happen to possess. The movies however, do not put me in control, and as such I’ve never tackled those forces even indirectly. It’s always someone else doing the dirty work, and more often than not, the movie ends with the evil still intact, ready to get revenge on whoever may still be alive or plotting for its next victim. Since the antagonist is rarely vanquished in the movies, I subconsciously think that there would be no hope to escape such a menace, should it happen to be real. I know that nothing like this can actually happen, but unfortunately, that little voice in the back of my head wants to believe it could, so it ends up poisoning my entire psyche in the end. It may be hard to comprehend what I’m trying to get across, since you’re not privy to my thoughts, but I’ve explained it to the best of my ability. Hell, you’d probably go out of you mind if you had to decipher all my thoughts.

But anyway, that’s just something I needed to get out into the open. I even feel a little more comfortable now that I’ve got it off my chest. As a reward for reading this drivel, I’ll tell you a secret. The article will be up later today. I kinda slacked off today, but it’s almost done. If you didn’t read the whole spiel, then shame shame double shame on you for cheating and skipping to the last paragraph to see if there was any article news there. Also, this week’s comic is going to be hilarious. At least, that’s what we think.

The mind of a killer

Last night, I watched one of the coolest movies I’ve seen in a while: The Cell. The basic plot is that this psychotherapist (played by Jennifer Lopez) goes into the mind of a serial killer and tries to figure out where he’s got his latest victim hidden. Anyhow, I started watching because I flipped by the channel and I saw Vince Vaughn, and figured that I haven’t seen a bad movie with him in it yet so why not. A while in, it occured to me just how similar this movie is to one of my favourite PS2 games, Silent Hill 4: The Room. Honestly, if you’ve played the game and understood the whole story, you would just be blown away by when you watch The Cell and see just how many things they have in common. Or vicey versa, whatever. They’re not entirely the same, but you’d be hard pressed to not see similarities between the two. The point is, if the guys who wrote SH4 said they weren’t at all influenced by this movie, I wouldn’t believe them for a second. My advice is to play SH4 and watch The Cell. Awesome game, awesome movie. It’s just like how the original Silent Hill had a lot in common with Jacob’s Ladder (which are also awesome, by the way). That is all.

The Return of Dick Turtle

It’s again the time of year when the snow has vanished, and it’s time for the revival of outside-type activities. Well, for normal people anyhow. Me, I still just sit inside and play video games or type up crap like this. But in the spring and summertime, I often get the chance to sit inside and play video games out at the cottage. And if there’s anything better about going to the cottage than getting to play with the air rifle, it’s getting to browse the dollar stores in the local town. Oh yeah, it’s time for round two.

This year, I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t just a “find anything at all that stands out” affair like it’s been in years past. I knew that the “surprise bag” articles were among some of the top ranked that I’ve written, so I had a mission: find me as many of the damn things as I could. Sadly, as I said in last year’s Dick Turtle review, the places don’t restock stuff like this. The most likely cause is that these things went out of production seven hunred years ago. So unfortunately, I was only able to grab two of the Dick Turtle bags. There were no others, and I decided to leave one behind to see if anyone else ever bought these things. I guess I’ll find out next time I go.

On the pro side, if I were able to buy these things en masse, they’re only fifty cents a bag, so it’s not like it’s a big drain on my funds. Those name brand bags (which are crap as far as surprises go) can go for anywhere up to two bucks, so a cheap reject from the stupid age is like a blessing filled with several little curses (should you try to consume the contents).

Ah, the memories come flooding back. In case you missed the first one (which I’d like to doubt) here’s a link to that one. If you don’t want to read through it, or just want a little refresher, basically, this “Dick Turtle Surprise Bag” is a very old-looking plastic bag containing several assorted things. These can range from candy to toys to fake jewlery to mini-ninjas. God knows when these things were actually made, but the bags themselves look to be about five thousand years older than most of their contents. But age is of no consequence. It’s time to move on.

Ripping open the first bag, I found that it contained a much wider variety of crap than last year’s bag did. No, wait. It’s just a bunch of useless junk and bad candy again. Nevermind what I said. It contained essentially the same spread of stuff as my last DT bag did. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Starting off on the same foot as last time, we see that ol’ Dick is as inconsistent as ever. But at least he’s consistently inconsistent. I think. Anyhow, I’ll point out for nostaligia’s sake that the Dick Turtle on the card shown above is clearly not the same Dick Turtle that graces the front of the surprise bag. How the producers of this product managed to think that they’d get away with this travesty is beyond me, but they managed to pull it off. I guess. … OK, onto the next paragraph.

This time around, Dick tells us to avoid skating on frozen lakes or ponds. I can tell you from experience that whilst ponds and lakes may be dangerous, it is perfectly okay to skate on a frozen river. Just don’t walk around on it. That’s when you fall through and end up a Ryansicle. Unless you’re just heading out to the ice fishing hut. Then you’ll be a-okay. The moral of this story: there was no story.

You know, after going over this puzzle less than once, I realized that clue #4 has absolutely no bearing on the result. Assuming that you’re crossing off pirates once they’re ruled out, and following the clues in order, you’ve already found the culprit by clue #3. I really wanted to make a joke about how one of these guys looks like some sort of pop culture icon, but none of them bear any resemblance to anything. It was pirate E. And he sucks, because he failed to steal the treasure.

How accurate. Kinda makes you wonder how widely these were distributed. Or maybe they were just thrown together by one of the locals in an attempt to make a quick buck (or $1.50, considering I’m probably the only one ever to buy these things). I mean, they have no sort of… Wait a tick! Upon closer inspection, they were produced by… a bunch of Newfies. Apparently they go by the name “The Surprise Bag Company”. After a little research, I discovered absouluely nothing other than this. Hover over the clown picture for a little briefing on the SBC, and click on him to be taken to a webpage that isn’t there. Other than that, there isn’t a lot that Google can tell me about them. I guess it’s a good thing I never noticed the mailing address on the back of the bag last time, or else I’d be out a paragraph of material here.

Woah. Stop the presses. Forget what I said about accurate. The Jets never won the Stanley Cup. As far as I know, they never even came close. Yes, the Winnipeg Victorias took it waaaaay back in 1896, and then again in 1901 and 02, but I hardly think anyone would fashion a toy ring for events so ancient and obscure.

Next up…. A fake tooth. Yow. That one was in deep. Either way, it’s neither interesting to look at, read about, or even write about, so how about I tell you about my day about? No? Fine. Aboot.

Ooh! Candy for all you technologically inclined types out there. They even spelled it ‘bytes’. I guess that about sums it up. Aside from the redundancy of putting both ‘mini’ and ‘micro’ in the name, the package hasn’t got anything to offer, aside from it’s sweet, sweet (here’s hoping) contents. Oh yeah, and remember that raindrop-headed guy. You’ll be seeing more of him before the day is done.

The candies certainly do look appealing. They’re all colourful and tiny. Mini they are. And micro as well. So I threw ’em back, and it turns out they’re pretty good. You know Sweet Tarts? Kinda like those, but not as chewy. Or at least not as chewy as Chewy Sweet Tarts. And just now I looked at the back of the bag, and the thing is dated 1998. Candy doesn’t really go bad, right? I survived the last bag of stuff, after all. But I can’t recall actually eating any of it. If I turn up dead in the next little while, I blame Newfoundland.

This one’s a bit of a toss-up. I really should have just put the two pics side-by-side, but screw that. I’m getting my extra paragraph. By the by, I pretty much destroyed that capsule trying to get it open. I’m not good with vending machine capsules. Never have been, never will be.

Did you see that coming? I didn’t. Why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate featuring a sleeping star who’s mouth is zippered shut? Moreover, why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate? Perhaps to compliment their tiny sports team logo’d mugs? So they have something to display in their tiny china cabinet? To throw in the air and shoot with their tiny clay shooting rifle? Life is full of mysteries, and this is certainly one that will never be solved. I hate that star.

When the casket fell out of the bag as I was shaking it furiously, a wave of pure dread washed over me. Not only because I had to try to review something a second time and make it seem like new, but also because I feared that the skeletons from last year were out for revenge on me. But this one could hold something different, right? There was no guarantee that even though it looked the exact same and had the same “Mr. Bones” engraved on the top, it held the same stuff as the last coffin.

Hopes were crushed, curses were placed, and untruths were typed. There was no curse, nevermind several of them. My hopes that something different would be inside were indeed crushed, however. It’s the same bone candy that I discovered in the last article, and this batch is just as brittle and crappy as the last, making it impossible to actually hook the bones together. So I’m a little sad that there’s a repeat item, but at least this a repeat of a somewhat cool item. We’ll be suffering much greater disappointment a little later on.

And that does it for the first bag. I’d say the Winnipeg ring is the best thing in there, simply because of the coincidence of finding a toy ring that is emblazoned with the name of my city in a bag of completely random junk. The biggest let-down was the tooth. Sure, it had blood on it, but nobody, and not even nobody’s uncle Leopold would for even a second believe it to be a real tooth, so it’s got no prank value for something that should be rich in the stuff.

Now we’re gonna kick it up a notch and delve into the mysteries of the second Dick Turtle Surprise Bag. If it were possible for me to write more about this junk, you’d be clicking a link to go to a second page, but even I can’t reach for that much filler with this crap as source material, so you get off easy this time.

Dick’s advice is a little less stupid this time. I mean, not every kid is going to be presented with the option to skate on a frozen lake or pond, but almost every child will, at some point in their life, have to cross a road. But really, we all know that Dick goesn’t give a flying rat’s ass about children. He’s just trying to better his image to give himself more leverage with the voters. Bastard is all about politics.

Do you want to colour a giant space turtle humping a rocket? I don’t, but if you do, today’s your lucky day! Save the pic, blow it up a little in Photoshop or something, and colour it in! Send it to me afterward, and I’ll make a Dick Turtle gallery and put all of your pretty pictures in it. That’s a promise. If I get even one submission, the gallery will be there. Eventually. So do it!

But seriously, where do they get off calling this a puzzle?

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged back in. At first glance, it’s just the Mini Micro Bytes again, but if you look real close, you’ll still think they’re the Mini Micro Bytes again. But these packages hold a terrifying secret! While the previous ones were more cylindrical in shape, these bytes are… circles! Okay. I’ll admit it. I’ve got nothing. But then again, do I ever really have something?

I don’t know what the hell this is. Some kind of cat toy of something. It’s just a smiley face in the middle of a plastic ball, with little balls boucing around inside. You can make it jingle a bit, but not much else. At least it should make good lighter fodder come stuff-burnin’ season. Which is now.

You can’t tell from the tiny pic, but that pink thing on the corner of the Mini Tarts packages is the same dude from the Mini Micro Bytes. Word on the street is that he calls himself the Goody Guy. Anyhow, further investigation reveals that not only are the Mini Tarts the exact same candy as their Mini Micro bretheren, but that they were produced a year earlier. I’m not sure what the deciding factor is, but these ones taste marginally worse than the others. Maybe the year made a difference after all? Or perhaps the Bytes were just an improvement on the Tart formula. We may never know. I hope you stay up all night pondering, cause I’ll feel bad if I’m the only one.

More bytes. Only this time they’ve got a block in a diaper representing them. Oh, and they’re made by an entirely different company. Hard as stone and more revolting than a bag of pig ears, these are certainly not good candy. Simply put: they’re shitty Chiclets. They won’t make you want to induce vomiting like those damned bones (a fact I may have omitted earlier), but they do border on nasty.

Two items left, and we’ve got another crappy ring. Only this one looks like a bad Dino wannabe. I’m not even sure if it’s supposed to be a dinosaur at all, nevermind a ripoff of an established character. It could very well be a very poorly drawn duck. I’ve seen worse.

And our final item of the day is this… notebook… thing. It’s tiny, and I doubt anyone without mad skillz similar to mine could have any change of writing legibly in it. Crap. I’m tired of writing about stuff. It’s time to wrap things up and hope I never find another Dick Turtle bag again.

I guess that maybe, maybe if the remaining Dick Turtle Surprise Bag is still sitting in that Bargain Shop next summer, I’ll pick it up and review it. I really don’t think so though, because it took two of them to fill an entire article, should you neglect that a lot of stuff that could have been said was written during the first DT bag review. And if there’s only one left, you’re probably only going to get a mini-review out of it at best, unless I just throw length to the wind and decide to do it just for the sake of getting to use the word ‘dick’ more.

So yes, that’s probably the last of Dick Turtle you’ll be seeing on this website. Unless of course, someone acutually takes up my offer of colouring the Dick Turtle picture. Of course, if you really need a Dick Turtle fix, you could drive out to Lac du Bonnet and search out that last bag for yourself… Me, I’m just gonna look up an antidote for all that candy that probably poisoned me.

Everything is super when you’re gay

But I don’t have a homosexual bone in my body, so everything is most definitely not super. The worst thing ever happened today. They hired a new storefront guy. Being the only man who worked storefront was my thing, and now it’s gone. Now I have nothing. I haven’t met the guy yet, but I don’t like him already. He’s going to seriously cramp my style. Everyone knew I loved being the only guy on storefront. I made it clear more than once. I guess now I’m going to have to be more sociable with my girls if I’m to stop him from getting all my attention.

On the upside, I cracked up pretty much the whole store with my antics today. And would you guess which one single person didn’t bear witness to my hilarity? But it’s always worked out that way for me. No matter what the situation, it always turns out that the party I’m out to impress or entertain either doesn’t care or doesn’t notice.

Final note for today, I finished Silent Hill 3, and boy did it get effed up fast once you actually get to Silent Hill. I’m just dying waiting for tomorrow evening so I can start SH4. The intro scares the crap out of me, so the game itself has gotta be awesome, right?

Starting from zero, got nothing to lose

The February archive is now up. Or, it will be shortly after this post is completed. Maybe I shoulda done that first. Oops.

I’m not sure if I ever mentioned, but I saw Jacob’s Ladder a while back. It seems a bit of an obscure title, and you know how I love the obscure. Truth be told though, I only hunted it down because I heard that the Silent Hill games draw a portion of their creepiness from it. And boy, is it true. Well, it’s not quite as big an influence as I was led to believe, but you can definitely see the similarities. Oh, and it was a pretty good movie as well. Confusing as all Hell until the end (which was a cop-out to boot), but I would certainly recommend it to those who like movies that are out of the ordinary. Oh, and if you didn’t know by the title, you probably wouldn’t pick up on it anyway, but there are lots of biblical references here. Good movie. Wouldn’t buy it, but good movie. It’s really hard to find, but there’s a torrent for it over at Novatina. It’s under “mystery”, but it’s really more of a thriller. Not that I’m championing piracy or anything…

On a related topic, I got Silent Hill 3 and 4 the other day. I’m about halfway through 3 and haven’t even started 4 yet. Such good games, and the only ones I cannot play with the lights off, even with my newfound policy of facing my fears. Creepy stuff. And the best part is that I got ’em for $15 and $25, respectively. I picked up I-Ninja for $10 as well. It’s totally worth $10. this whole “buying preowned games” thing is working out really well for me and my wallet. Three good, slightly used games for less than one new one? Sounds like a killer deal to me. And as an added surprise, SH3 comes with the soundtrack packaged in! I didn’t know that! Ah, material posessions: my one true love.

Oh yeah, and I updated my profile page, for those who care. While I’m at it, I’ll mention that I lost like seven pounds over the last week. This is alarming, because I was in no way trying to lose weight. All these people on TV working so hard to drop the fat, and then I come along and start losing it without even trying. Ah irony, thou art a snide bastard indeed.