I guess everybody knows that BioShock is awesome by now. If not… Get on the fuckin’ train man. I’m not really into shooters, but there’s so much to love about BioShock that there’s no way I could skip it. The funny thing is that for the longest time I just kept ignoring the hype around it, and a week before the thing launched I decided to give the demo a shot. It kind of goes without saying that the demo really sold me on it.
Oh! And also make sure to grab the soundtrack as well. It’s free!
Here’s an interesting one. I don’t know if you’ve ever played Akumajou Special: Boku Dracula-kun (roughly translated as Kid Dracula), but there’s something odd about Dracula-kun. See, the thing is that he looks alarmingly similar to the comic representation of myself. I’m sure you’ve seen the Ryan character a million times by now, but just take a look at lil’ Dracky-Kun!
So obviously if there’s any plagiarist here, it’s me, because the original Kid Dracula was released on the NES Famicom waaaay back in 1991. But even then it was only ever released in Japan. I did read the article in Nintendo Power about the Game Boy version like a million times though, so maybe it just kind of burned the character into my mind. Who knows? As a character whose appearance has changed quite a lot over time, I obviously never planned Ryan to look like that, but the powers that be had other plans, I guess. Thing is, I would have lived my entire life without noticing if it weren’t for the magic of ROMs. To celebrate, let’s all go play some ROMs. Particularly Kid Dracula!
As I mentioned in last night’s post, I picked up the (cheap!) Wii Edition of Resident Evil 4. Hey, I didn’t get the PS2 port, so it’s not so bad. And I sold my GC copy and a few other games to fund the purchase anyway. But bugetary concerns aside, holy smokes!
Now, you may not believe me, because you’re all cynical asses, but playing Resident Evil 4 with the Wii remote almost makes it feel like an entirely new game. I loved the laser sight of the original, really I did, but the aiming reticule is just so much more practical, even if it does make the game a tiny bit easier (NB: aiming at distances is now possible). The new knife features are great, particularly the “homing knife” as I like to call it, which, when you make a slashing motion with the remote, will automatically make Leon turn towards and slice anything within striking distance. It may again seem to ease up the difficulty, but really it’s just a time-saver. Slashing to use the knife in itself is far more fun than button knifing, and boo to all those “but I don’t want to move when I play games” douchebags. Laziness is the lamest excuse ever, and I should know. Also I like twitch reloading. It’s fun.
But motion-control lavishing is not all I have to do today. No! I am also impressed by the new junk that Capcom added in when they ported the game to the PS2. The Separate Ways sub-game is very nice, but I am disappointed by the pre-rendered cutscenes. They are visibly crap in comparison to the real-time cutscenes in the main game (all the PS2 version’s cutscenes were FMV, the GC’s were all game engine). Capcom could have gone the extra quarter-mile and redone them in real-time to really impress me. But you know what? Griping about cutscene quality of what amounts to a really elaborate mini-game is superficial. I feel bad about it. I just really wish I could beat the game on pro difficulty, because I want to play with that sweet new laser weapon. Though that brings up another good point.
When I played through the game like four times on the GC, I always found it had a stable amount of challenge, and I never really took note of item underuse. Not that it was really hard, but it surely kept me on my toes. I remember the first time through I didn’t have anywhere near enough money at any time, and health supplies would always find use. But when I blazed through it on the Wii, by the time I reached the bulldozer scenario, I noticed that things were getting a little cramped in my inventory. It only got worse by the time I faced off against Krauser in the ruins. And while the situation was getting a little better over time (that last area can get a litte hellish, and the helicpoter pilot was taking a lot of friendly fire liberties), but by the time I was ready to face the final boss, I still had almost as many healing items in my inventory as I’d used over the course of the game. Not only that, but all my weapons were top-level, and I still had plenty of pesetas to go around. Either the Wii version takes it a lot easier on you, or I’ve gotten really good at the game. I’m betting on the latter, because if it’s true, maybe I’ll finally be able to finish that stupid cabin scenario on pro. That’s where my game always ended on the GC.
In summation, RE4 Wii Edition really kicks the llama’s ass. No, wait, that’s Winamp. But RE4 Wii is still damn sweet. Made me fall in love with the game all over again. If you never played another version – and you’re a douche if you haven’t – it’s system-seller good. I can see logging at least as many hours into this one as I did with Twilight Princess (two playthroughs worth), and I’ve already played this game multiple times.
I learned something very important tonight: never watch a movie just because you like the title. Even if it does sound really, really good, you should probably check out the IMDb page first, just in case.
The movie in question that spurs this lesson is called “Cannibal Holocaust“. Yeah. I know, it sounds totally wicked. The only thing that could make it better is if it were “Zombie Holocaust”, “Vampire Holocaust” or “Robot Holocaust”. The funny thing is that all those movies actually exist. But anyway, I was not overly pleased with “Cannibal Holocaust”, as it wasn’t at all what I was hoping for. I mean, I guess I was expecting savages messing up some people’s shit, but all I got was extremely raunchy and gory social commentary. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against social commentary, I’d just rather have a lot of cheese instead. What can I say? I love cheese. Bad dialogue and piss-poor actors make a movie all that much more enjoyable. But no, “Cannibal Holocaust” actually had a startlingly adept crew, and the gore wasn’t even enjoyable gore. It was just mean-spirited is all.
I’m not sure what my point is. I guess it’s that you probably shouldn’t watch “Cannibal Holocaust”, especially if you have those pesky “moral” things. Yeah. Lot of unapologetically horrid stuff here. Not so good. When I am offended (only slightly, only slighty) by something, you know it’s gotta be pretty bad. The real strange thing though, is that it really hooked me. Usually I break out some kind of handheld video game or the nail clippers halfway through a movie, but I watched this one very intently. Funny how that worked out. But yeah, probably best to stay away from this one.
So Nintendo World Report is doing a big tribute to the GameCube this week. It’s a pretty awesome and extensive look back at all the great things about the lil’ purple box. The centerpiece of the tribute, though, is the Greatest GameCube Games feature. It’s nice to take a look back at some of the games that really helped the GC through its early/middle years. It’s just too bad it didn’t see equally good support near the end there. Solid list though. So far, anyway.
Aside from that junk, I don’t know. The internet’s been kinda boring lately. S’okay though, because I’ve been spending the past week or so absorbed in Hotel Dusk. It’s nice to see a really solid adventure-ish game on the DS. I mean, Trace Memory was good, but not “buy it” good. Hotel Dusk is totally a buyer though. It’s very seldom that I get so engrossed in the narrative of a video game (see Silent Hill and Tales of The Abyss), but then again, that’s about all Hotel Dusk has.
I think the thing about that is that when I like the story in a game, it’s really all about either the characters or the overall atmosphere. Recent Tales games have been full of really well-develpoed and often hilarious characters, rounded out with brilliant dialogue and high-grade voice acting. The Silent Hill series may be in rough waters as far as gameplay goes, but it’s never failed to present an immediate sense of dead and solitude. Oh sure, there are usually other characters around now and then, but they’re rarely there for any more than a quick jaw. Hell, even Killer7, a shooter of all things, presented a highly elaborate plot, yet it stayed enjoyable and never descended into complete retardation like, oh, let’s say Final Fantasy 7. It was really fragmented over the course of the game, but always remained smart and deep, ultimately tying into a thick, meaty plot in the end.
So yeah. All that nonsensical jabber to say that Hotel Dusk is really good. And maybe I place a little more importance on story than I’d previously assumed. At least when it benefits me.
You might not have ever noticed, but back in January of last year, I never actually posted a big ol’ rundown of all the assorted junk I got for Christmas. I guess the main reason is that I felt a little bad about the sheer volume of stuff I receive for the holiday, despite the fact that I’m getting into my adult years. A 20-year old probably shouldn’t get quite as much as I did that year, and it seemed wrong for me to go and show off everything.
This year I had originally planned to keep the once-yearly feature buried, but then I saw Matt’s gift roundup on the X-Entertainment blog, and the fact that he got way more stuff than I did made me think that oh, maybe I’m not quite as spoiled as I thought. Given, I don’t have like a hundred siblings, but the point stands. My parents also had a little extra scratch this year, and besides renovating half the house, they also used it to shower us and themseves in Christmas gifts. And that’s basically why I’m running this feature right now, as late as it my be.
Now that the whole semi-related intro groundwork business is laid out I suppose it’s time we get to the down and dirty of this article here: the goodies. Though I’d like to remind you that while I use the term “good”, I can predict that some will groan at at least a few entries on the list. Oh, also like the X-E rundown, this will be somewhat more abbreviated than lists of years past. These kinds of things don’t really deserve two pages.
Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker : One of my fondest memories of classic Game Boy games is the original Dragon Quest Monsters. I spent weeks worth of time playing that games, and still didn’t even come close to finishing it. It was a hard freakin’ game, what can I say? I skipped the second (and third, apparently) installment of the series, but I figured that when they announced a DS sequel that I’d give it a spin, and it’s nearly exactly how I remember it. The idea of the game is obviously a mix between Pokémon and Dragon Quest, and I really can’t decide what franchise I prefer. Pokémon is 90% strategy-based, while DQM is pretty much an “accept button” masher, but offers a far more obsessive-compulsive breeding system. Though with the default battle option being autobattle, it’s nice to sit back and watch your team just massacre everyone. In any case, while it’s very DQ in the way that it demands a lot of level-grinding, I still love it.
Silent Hill Origins : Quite possibly my most longed-for PSP game ever, Silent Hill Origins is a bit of a mixed bag. I haven’t played too far into it as of yet (I’m saving it for when I finish with DQM), but I really like what I’ve played through. On the positive side, the atmosphere is perfect, being completely creepy and one of the the few horror-based franchises that actually frightens me. The less positive being that every weapon you pick up is breakable. And they break fast. It’s not a huge issue, because punching enemies to death works just fine (it just takes a little longer), and if you’re up against more than one enemy at a time, it doesn’t matter what kind of weapon you’re carrying: you will be murdered. Also, Harry would breathe heavily after running for a while in the original Silent Hill, which was a neat touch, but protagonist-man-whose-name-I’ve- currently-forgotten can actually only run for a while before he needs to breathe out or down an energy drink. I hate realism in games because it’s almost always inconvenient. All in all though, it delivers more than enough to be worth it, and I think I’ll really enjoy it once I sit down and give it more than an hour.
Futurama: Bender’s Big Score : Time has done well to Futurama. It may not be exactly what I was hoping for in a fifth season, but the first of however many of these “movies” they’re making sets a pretty good standard. I’ve watched it twice now, which is a lot, considering that I’ve almost never seen a movie twice in such a short span of time. The plot deals with a lot of time travel, which can cause some pretty perplexing plot holes, but as far as I care, the writing staff did a great job avoiding that kind of stuff and workied it out pretty well. One thing I noticed about Futurama over the course of it’s life is that it went from being just about funny to being funny and really fleshing out the characters and their relationships with each other. Bender’s Big Score continues down that road, albeit maybe not as much as the fourth season did, but there’s a good amount of sincerity along with the humour. The only thing I didn’t like is that they referenced like 95% of the old episodes, which is maybe a little too much. Self-referential humour is good and all, but freshness is good too.
Superbad : I saw a brief bit of this movie shortly after it came to DVD (“Do you know how many foods are shaped like dicks? All the good ones!”), and I knew that I had to own it. I do not regret this decision, but I also disagree with all the hype surrounding it. Maybe I just missed something, but I don’t think it’s quite as holy as the general consensus would like you to think. It’s a great movie, yes. It’s hilarious, no doubt. I just don’t really think it’s going to redefine any genres. Then again, I have yet to break into the second disc, which contains extras that might shine some light on exactly why I should think it’s pure genius. So we’ll leave the final word open for now, but it is totally worth buying.
Killswitch Engage – The End of Heartache : I was introduced to Killswitch Engage back in… 04 maybe? Anyway, they had a song on the Resident Evil: Apocalypse soundtrack, and it was one of the standout tracks on the disc (though most of them are pretty good). I downloaded like two more songs to see more of what they were like, and I was kinda apathetic about it all. Their latest single, “My Curse”, in in Guitar Hero 3, and that’s when I decided to give them another shot. I got The End of Heartache for Christmas, and I’m thinking maybe I should go and pick up their two other CDs. I’m not much of a metal connoisseur, so I can’t really say much about them, but I like Killswitch Engage.
HIM – Venus Doom : Yeah, I’m still listening to HIM. A lot of bands I’ll listen to obsessively for a while and then kind of forget about, but HIM is one of the groups with staying power. Their latest offering is quite good. I’ve only had it on in the background while I play video games, so I haven’t really sat down just to listen to it and absorb it, but I do realy like it. Maybe even a bit more than Dark Light, which I was ever so slightly disappointed with. I guess the reason is that I was drawn into the Dark Light hype, so maybe I was expeting too much, I don’t know. In contrast, I didn’t even know about Venus Doom until like a week before Christmas, so I was just excited that there was a new HIM CD.
Dethklok – The Dethalbum : Honestly, what haven’t I said about The Dethalbum already? I downloaded it the day before it was released, and I’ve listened to it probably about 50 times. Now, I own it. The Tall One had to venture to a mall on the other end of the city to find the stupid thing, but it was a trek well worth it. We’re both huge Metalocalypse fans, so either of us probably would have gone even farther to procure it. I’m just slightly disappointed that there weren’t any copies of the special edition available. The bonus disc is short, but the songs on it are totally worth however much extra money they charge for it. Conclusion: wicked CD.
Beetlejuice : I’ve seen this movie on TV so goddamned many times that I really don’t need to own it, but it’s a great addition to my collection anyway. Why wouldn’t you want to watch Beetlejuice? I wouldn’t buy the cartoon series though. It’s one of the few shows I loved in my childhood that I just can’t really get into anymore. Ah well. At least the toys were cool.
Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special : When this first came out maybe two years ago, I skipped it because I figured it would be included on one of the season DVD sets. I was dead wrong. Now I don’t have a Conky finger puppet because I waited, but I guess I’ll find a way to manage without.
Wii Points : Wii Points are a precious resource to me. I can never have enough, and I’m ever so slightly iffed that I only got one card for Christmas. Oh well. The Youngest One decided he would gift me a Virtual Console game as his present, but there was nothing I didn’t already own that I wanted on the service, so he gave me a raincheck. It’s been three weeks since Christmas and I still have that raincheck. Where are all the good VC games?
Nunchuck attachment : “But Ryan,” you say “when did you get a second Wii Remote?” the fact of the matter is that I did not. I just wanted a second nunchuck so that I could have one just to leave in the Zapper. Honestly, I back-and-forth with the thing a lot, and locking in and winding up the nunchuck, then undoing it all when I’m done is a pain in the ass. The annoyance of the process has on more than one occasion stopped me from playing anything at all, so you can see how Goddamned lazy I really am. Actually, I probably should pick up a second Wiimote just to leave in the Les Paul…
Lost season 3 : The thing between me and TV is that I don’t watch things on purpose. I can never remember when shit is on, or what channel it’s on, so when I find a show I like, I generally just go out and buy the DVDs to save myself the trouble. I don’t usually blaze through DVD sets so quickly, but I’ve already watched every episode from this particular season, and have started hacking away at the bonus features disc. I guess I wouldn’t really call myself a Lost junkie, because I’m not completely fanatical about it, but it is without a doubt my favourite show on TV right now. Season 4 is supposed to the be the end, and it makes me sad, but given the way 3 ended, I guess dragging it on any longer would seem forced. So yeah. I thoroughly enjoy Lost.
The Godzilla Collection : I’ll be honest here, I haven’t seen any classic Godzilla movies in their entirety. I’ve tried to watch a couple over the years, but since they were always on TV quite late, and I was much younger then, I always ended up falling asleep. It’s a lore I’ve always been very interested in though. I’ve played a lot of the Godzilla-based video games, and read up plenty on the subject on the ol’ Wikipedia. When I saw this box, my eyes bugged out and I knew that it had to be mine. And now it is. I still haven’t set aside time to crack it open yet, because I want to marathon it, but I fully intend to sometime within the next week or two. It contains seven movies: the original, and the six Showa series films. I know somewhere out there there’s a box of the Heisei series films, but I just haven’t found it yet. When I do though…
The Doors : This was kind of an odd one. My mom was looking for things for The Tall One, and she pointed this out. I surmised that he probably didn’t listen to the Doors, but that I did, though not really showing much interest. Christmas morning: BAM! You know what? Maybe it’s not something I would pursue under my own power, but it sounds like an interesting movie. I’m pretty sure it’ll be awesome. Because I think the Doors are pretty awesome. Now all I have to do is put aside some spare time in which to watch it. Maybe I’ll do that once I’m done with this stupid article.
Jerry Seinfeld Live on Broadway : It’s Seinfeld. It was a stocking stuffer. Again, not something I would really even give a second look, but ends up being right up my alley. Again, haven’t watched it yet, but fully intend to. If the standup bits on the show were representative of what his real acts are like, then I’m assuming that this will have me busting a gut, so to speak.
Trauma Center: New Blood : You know what’s pretty cool? The Wii Zapper works quite nicely with the Trauma Center games. Never would have thought so, would you? Okay, it hasn’t made a huge difference, but the little bit of extra steadiness helps. In any case, I only started this one up last night. I’m not quite sure if I ever finished the first one, but that’s besides the point. So far, the game is… well, exactly the same. The production values have gone up considerably, though I think the new TV does have a small role to play there. The fact that the entire game is voice-acted is great, because the VAs do a terrific job for the most part. It may not be anything particularly fresh, but hey, Trauma Center is wicked fun.
Whiskey : In the toe of my stocking, rather than finding the traditional orange (which, coincidentally, I’ve never gotten in my stocking), there was a small bottle of Crown Royal. Also, a shot glass with a Santa face on it. Huzzah. Both remain unopened because, quite frankly, I very rarely find myself in a situation where I require alcohol. Mostly because I spend my Friday/Saturday nights alone in my room. I’m not complaining, I’m just sayin’.
Sudoku TV : I’ll admit it, I’m hooked on Sudoku. I blame Brain Age entirely for this. So anyhow, I saw this gizmo at Wal-Mart one night while Christmas shopping with the “fam”, and decided to pick it up because I thought it would be good for a review at the very least. My mom said she’d buy it and told me to act surprised. So on Christmas morning I was treated to a huge box full of plug-n-play Sudoku. And you know what? It’s crap. I mean, it didn’t promise anything that it doens’t deliver, but the buttons are crappy and insensitive, the controls for playing Sudoku on the TV is completely asinine, and the little LCD screen just doesn’t suit the game very well. And I’m not even going to get into the other games that are packed into it. Ugh. It’s usable, but just barely. I will have to go in-depth with it though. It’s just that hilariously bad.
Gift Card Mania!!! : Every year I see more of these little things and it’s like: why don’t you just give me money? They’re not even all in the picture. I mean, I guess the only one I’d be unlikely to use is the one for Blockbuster, because I almost never rent anything, but still. And what’s with the two movie passes? Are you trying to say something? Are you that unsatisfied with me being single? I won five bucks on the Set For Life ticket though. Which is good becaue now I can go get another one, but bad because I know how addicting lottery tickets can be. I already spend way too much money, I don’t need those dumb things nickel-and-diming my bank account down even more.
And that about wraps that up. There are some other assorted thingers that I neglected to mention, mostly clothes and stocking stuffers, but those aren’t interesting in the least. That’s not to say that anything pictured is, but I’m not too concerned about showing the world a new pair of jeans or a pack of gum, you know? Yeah, so that’s the end then. I’m not sure exatly how to cut this off properly. I guess a clean break after the gift card paragraph would have been the best way to do it, but I’ve committed myself to this paragraph and I’m damn well going to see it through. To the end. Which is now.
Something Awful posted a hilarious article yesterday about leaked details from Silent Hill 5. Being as big a Silent Hill fan as I am, I found it to be incredibly entertaining. Even if you’ve never played a Silent Hill game, you’ll probably enjoy it anyway out of sheer ridiculousness.
A new article from me (it’s been how long??) is coming soon. I just have to get some images finished up and we’re golden. Possibly also some post-Christmas spiels.
Wired’s Best Games of 2006 – I’m completely at ease with this list. Probably because it’s mostly games I actually play. Also, I’m friendly to anyone who shows love for Okami. And Servbots.
I don’t condone, however, Wii Sims. Yeah, it’ll sell millions in Japan, but I wonder how it’ll do over on North American shores. I guess it’s mainly women and non-gamers who play The Sims anyway though, so I guess it could probably go either way. I personally don’t like it though. How weird would it be to see those little Sims making out, hut-tubbing in the nude, or using the heart-shaped bed?
Surely you’ve all seen the hilarious safety pictures from the Japanese Wii Manual, so I won’t link to them. However, I think the fake ones are definitely worth the linkage.
Finally got around to renting and watching Nacho Libre last week. I had never realized it was a Nickelodeon movie, and as such it was pretty kid-friendly. Needless to say, my expectations were beaten severely. It wasn’t that bad, but it could have been a lot better were it not essentailly a family movie. At least Jack Black is a good actor. His performance really hold it together. That and the fact that I find lucha libre to be hilarious in its own right.
I also watched the first Hellraiser movie on Sunday. It was respectably good, and much different than I had imagined it. Not so much a slasher as just a kind of sadistic horror movie, but enjoyable all the same. Now I’ve only got seven left to watch, and damn that’s going to take some time. Apparently they start to suck after the third, though. Oh well. They’re all sitting there staing at me, just begging to be watched, so I guess I’m going to have to do it eventually.
So I sat down today and wrote out an article. I’ve been meaning to do it for about two months now, but that’s by no stetch the longest I’ve ever had an article waiting to be written. I still have a lot in the backlog, and I guess I should do some soon, because I think they might be breeding.
I also updated the CD collection on Friday, but never got around to making the news post to announce it. I also couldn’t get the CSS to work right for the updated page links, so you’ll have to consult the “last update” callout to see what’s what. I guess I could tell you here, but I feel like being an ass and leaving it up to you.
I have a feeling September might be a little slower than the last couple months have been. I’m going through my “I don’t even want to think about the internet” phase right now, so we’ll see what happens.
Ooh, and I rented Clock Tower 3. Wow. I definitely should have played it before Haunting Ground, that’s all I’ve got to say. Though I might never have given Haunting Ground a chance if I’d played CT3 first. Who knows? Either way, I recommend both for the high levels of cheezy horror. You might just want to watch someone play CT3 though. It’s not so good when you’re actually playing it.
But alas! We here at Torrential Equilibrium are devoted to upholding our code of laziness and half-hearted reviews. We also hate that fact that we are such poor typers and have to fix like every second word. It literally doubles article production time to stamp out all those lieks and smoethigns.
But alas again! I’ve gotten off track. Story time, young ones.
A long, long time ago – June 30th of 2006, to be precise – I was in the town of Lac Du Bonnet to attend one “Canada Day Parade and Festival.” The parade was lackluster, to say the least. The average age of the participating people was “deceased” and the various “Miss Whatever” girls were all fat. It wasn’t cool. The festival part was much better, with rides, food, and those horribly addictive carnival games that promise great prizes, but rarely leave you with anything more than an armful of shitty little stuffed animals.
It was only on the way out that I realized that my beloved The Bargain Shop had closed down. It was there that I had acquired many great things, such as Nintendo Surprises and the Dick Turtle surprise bags. I was shocked and hurt. My soul was crushed. I tuned around slowly and dramatically, as if out of a movie. Then I looked up and saw it. It was The Bargain Shop! Only it had been freed of its strip-mall confines and moved into its very own at-least-10x-as-big building! The Gods God was smiling on me that day, and I happily entered the haven that was the huge new The Bargain Shop.
Long story short, I figured I was going to find a new surprise bag of some sort. I bet you figured that too. And if you did, you’d be wrong. Wrong like a guy who thinks metal sucks. ‘Cause metal is awesome.
The other thing that really compelled me to pick up a surprise cone was the price. Five bucks for the thing. Five bucks. It sounds like a total rip-off, and most of me assumed it would be, but a small part of me was completely reassured that the high price tag meant either good stuff inside or at least a shit-ton of crappy stuff. I was clearly more than ready to take my chances. After all, I’ve won several trophies for unnecessary/compulsive spending.
So that’s that, and here we are. I cracked this baby open the day I got home, and the pictures have been sitting on my hard drive collecting cyberdust up until now. It just seemed like such a monumental task, and like I said earlier, me lazy. But now I’ve sat down and begun to write, so I might as well get it all done. Then again, even if I stopped here and came back to it three months later, you’d never know, now would you?
I just noticed that the cone seems to be mostly in French. I mean, yeah, “surprise cone” is English, but it’s only got “bonbon et jouets” all over it. nowhere do we see a satisfying English “candy and toys” exclamation. What if an Anglophone has never seen a surprise bag before and wonders just what the surprise is supposed to be? He’ll probably think there’s a hooker in there or something and the surprise is which STDs she has.
The picture is unacceptably blurry, but you can make out a small football, a styrofoam airplane toy, various stickers and junk. And wonders of wonders! What is that which I spy with my little eye? Could it be… a coozy? I didn’t even notice that one there until I went to open the thing. For various reasons, having a coozy intended for a small child would be like a dream come true. Well, perhaps less magical than that, but it would still be neat. I still have yet to acquire a coozy of any description, and I was certainly hoping the surprise cone could remedy that problem.
…Oh man, I just got the awesomest idea. Heh heh heh. Awesome. Damn, this article just keeps getting more and more inappropriate.
You know what’s the worst part of it all? Now I’ve got a colouring book, but I haven’t got a crayon to colour in it with! Whatever shall I do?
Seriously though, this is crap. Four crayons? What the snap am I going to be able to colour with four crayons? Unless they can change colour at a moment’s notice, I just don’t think they’re going to be cutting any kind of mustard. And of course it’s just the primary colours and green to boot. So if I were to colour Caillou, I’d have to make him either yellow or red, and that wouldn’t be ethnically correct. You can’t imagine the anger I felt when they made The Honeymooners black. Not that I’m racist, but you can’t arbitrarily change an established character’s race. Jackie Gleason was probably rolling over in his grave when they announced that. So the point I’m trying to make is that there’s no way in Hell that I’m going to be turning Caillou into a rice picker or a feather head.
The way I see this thing, you put the elastic band on your finger, pull the dart back, and then let ‘er fly. But it usually just crashes into my finger and then dangles there while onlookers laugh and point. But It could very well just be me. I have a bad track record of using hand-powered projectiles such as rubber bands, darts, and boomerangs. The foam dart is clearly no exception.
I’d like to take a little stop here to mention that we’re about halfway through the article. At least as far as pictures go. I don’t know what lies in store for us where a word count is concerned, but unless I think up another relevant story to tell, it’s probably going to wrap up quicker than it started. Of course, I could go all Something Awful and talk about things that are only vaguely related, but I don’t really have the imagination required for that kind of thing. I mean, I guess surprise bags are kind of like Final Fantasy games in that they’ve always got different stuff in them but in essence they’re all the same, and even though they all kinda suck I keep playing them. But I don’t think I could draw that out for three and a half paragraphs.
So now that I’ve buffed up my word count quite nicely, it’s back to reviewing this surprise cone. Which is not at all like Street Fighter, because Street Fighter is always awesome.
So anyhow, I had a farkload of these planes back in my day. Not all at once, of course. The things are made of styrofoam, after all. This is their weakpoint, and will often lead to massive damage incurred by little boys playing a bit too rough. sometimes they don’t even make it past the building stage, when said little boys get frustrated that the wings won’t go in as easily as they assumed and end up crushing the thing in a fit of rage. Sometimes I still cry at night, thinking about my poor styrofoam planes and how they never really had a chance at life, being thoroughly crushed by pudgy, cotton candy-stained fingers. I am slightly comforted by the fact that these planes haven’t changed at all since my childhood. Even the packaging is designed the exact same way. In a world that is so unstable and constantly changing, it’s nice to know that some things will always stay the same.
I’m not currently sure where this particular plane ended up. A quick scan of my surroundings confirms that maybe I should turn the lights on, but the light switch is like halfway across the room, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting up.
“What the Snuckey is this?”
“I couldn’t tell you, buddy” I replied nonchalantly.
“Do you think it has anything to do with that dumb cup?”
“Probably, but I really don’t care.”
So guess what. I was a little off about the whole glowing cup deal. Turns out the cup itself isn’t s’posed to glow, but you’ve gotta pop these dumb glowsticks into the rim on the bottom. Yeah, dumb. And they’re those lame snappy ones that all the losers bring to their lame rave parties. Ugh. Just having these things in my possession makes me feel so inferior.
Well I don’t know what else to say about the penguin marker/weeble. it’s yellow, which makes it undesirable and impractical. I guess you could use it as a highlighter, but if you’re going to be toting it around, the penguin shape doesn’t lend itself very well to the task. I like it as a decoration, but beyond that it’s pretty useless. The second best thing in the cone by far, but only because it’s too adorable to dispose of. Even that’s cut really close too, just look at the sloppy-ass paint job. It’s a little disheartening, to say the least.
Thankfully, that’s the end of that little endeavor. Not that I don’t appreciate the styrofoam plane and the penguin weeble/marker, but having to slog through the rest of that crap to get to them wasn’t easy. Or enjoyable. Particularly the candy. At least the candy in some surprise bags is so terrible that it warrants discussion on its own. The crap in this one was just plain boring. And shitty. I mean seriously, who the snap like sour stuff? It’s all about spicy, my friends. If it’s not pastry or it doesn’t cause a ring of fire, it’s not worth eating, I say.
I would also like to mention that my youngest brother also bought a surprise cone. The only actual surprise came from the fact that we both got the exact same junk. Okay, to be fair we got planes with different designs, but that just barely counts. So, you know, if you see a surprise cone that looks the same as this one out there somewhere, don’t even bother looking twice. I bet they’re all the same, and the only difference is that the girl cone has a toy pony or something instead of a plane. The dart is probably still in the girl cone too. While it may be intended to be a toy weapon, I’m sure girls could find some way to appreciate it. Please excuse me for that, it slipped my mind for a moment that these things are meant for three-to-ten year olds, and as such, that innuendo there is totally inappropriate. It’s totally awesome if you imagine Marisa Miller buying it though.
In conclusion, the surprise cone was totally not worth five bucks. I normally don’t mind spending a dollar on a surprise bag for a cheap thrill, but five for this load of junk? I don’t think so. The plane alone would have only run me like 50 cents, and I could have lived my life without the penguin markeeble. It’s a sham and a half, that’s what it is.
As a thrilling epilogue to my story, I should note that there was a lot of other great stuff in the new The Bargain Shop like boxes of salt water taffy for 50 cents and all-day suckers. There’s awful computer games and movies just itching to be reviewed too, but my The Bargain Shop budget was pretty much shot by the surprise cone. It’s a mistake I will be sure never to make again. Until they redesign the cone and I’m fooled into thinking it’s a new cone, allured by the possibility that this new one might contain a coozy, and then when I get home and open it and see that it’s all the same junk at which point my eyes fill with liquid rage and I snap and take down as many people with me as I can. That’ll be the day…
