Category: IRL

TE’s mortal enemy – The Boyfriend

If spending the better part of my life playing video games and watching TV has taught me anything, it’s that everyone everywhere has a nemesis. A mortal enemy, a lifelong foe, a not-so-friendly rival. It wasn’t many years ago though, that I realized that I had no such foe. I thought about it a little and after some research, found that everyone I knew did (at that point in time at least) have a rival of their own. This made me feel a bit left out, and it was really getting me down.

There was clearly only one solution: find my own enemy. But who could this person be? I was pretty sure that you don’t just point out your mortal enemy as the next person that walks by. It couldn’t possibly be that simple. Sadly, after a many great yet failed attempts at earning myself an enemy, I was left right back were I started, with nothing but friends. I was beginning to feel that it was hopeless and that nobody would ever dislike me. So for the time being, I gave up the chase and forgot about it. It was the only way I could press on and live a close-to-normal life.

Little did I know that only years later, I would not only encounter my mortal enemy, but I would also learn that having my own foe is not all the fun it’s cracked up to be. No, as fate would have it, I was matched with a rival that is not only competent, but even smarter, handsomer, and (somehow) more charming than me as well. Enter: the boyfriend.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’ve probably all encountered this enigma of a person at least once before. He does well in letting the rest of the world know that he’s a conniving little asshole, so you’ve probably taken a bit of a disliking to him. Amplify that disliking by a hundred trillion jillions and you’ve got how much I hate him. Just think of it this way: he doesn’t even harbour any real hatred toward you. He’s my mortal enemy, and that just makes it that much worse for me.

The boyfriend is a cheeky little bastard, never failing to get in my way and keep me from my goals. He slips in unnoticed and then once my guard is down he appears and serves me a big plate of defeat, often turning others against me during the process. He seems to always be two steps ahead of me, and I’ll never be able to understand just how he does it. It’s not like he follows me around to learn where he needs to be ahead of me next. Besides, even if he did, I always keep any information that he might use against me to myself. It’s all stored in my head, I never write anything down, and rarely even talk to others about such things. But the fact that he still manages to one-up me at every turn can only lead to one conclusion: he’s psychic.

This could cause me my biggest problem yet, because there’s no way you can beat a psychic rival. They know every move you’re going to make, and there’s no way you can stop them. I looked up information on psychics, and since the world is pretty convinced that they don’t exist (fools), there was no listed way to defeat the crafty bastards. I, as resourceful and brilliant a chap as I am, have only been able to come up with two possible solutions for this problem. Since he bases his strategy on learning my thoughts and getting one step ahead of me, the best option would be to think things that will throw him off the trail. That way, I can keep the boyfriend from getting ahead of me and charming others into working against me.

The only other option for me is to… wait. You’re probably reading this now, aren’t you Mr. Boyfriend? Well I may have slipped up and revealed one of my plans to usurp your position, but I’ll not be foolish enough to type the other. Ryan never makes the same mistake twice. Not in one day. Your jig is up, you big smelly doo-doo head. I’ve got the key to nullifying your psychic advantage, and once I work on my people skills, you’ll have very little to hold over me. I will become the better of us, and then I’ll never be defeated at your hands again. Your days of taking everything that should rightfully be mine are over.

The boyfriend has proven to be a worthy enemy, and to this point has made me almost regret ever wishing for a rival of my own. While I detest him for all his victories over me, I do appreciate that my losses have taught me to be more aware of him, since his sneakiness has been key to his victories. I don’t know what the future has in store, but I warn the rest of you to be careful. Once I do find the key to defeating him, he will most likely find that I’m too good an opponent for him, and he may move on to haunt another poor individual. All I can say is to keep your guard up, and make sure you have a widespread intelligence network so that you can keep tabs on his dealings at all times.

Everything is better when I’m not around

So I think I’m dying. Or really malnourished. I’m not too sure. Anyway, time for more important matters.

The new New Super Mario Bros video is up. It’s really looking good, but upon closer inspection of the bottom screen, the levels seem to be a little short. Let’s just hope it ends up being as good as Super Mario Bros 3 and Super Mario World.

I shouldn’t have to remind you, but E3 starts in a week. It’s gonna be an awesome show, because we’re finally going to see some Revolution Wii games. Hearing all this talk about Red Steel and Madden 2007 (which sounds like it’s going to be really sweet) is all well and good, but I need something I can really sink my teeth into. Like maybe a video or two of the new Super Smash Bros game. Anything from Nintendo would be nice, really. This is going to be even better than the E3 where they showed off all the Gamecube stuff. It’s bringing back memories of the time before the GC was released, where my friend and I would just sit at IGN and refresh every minute in hopes that some new screenshots or videos would be added. Ah, good times. Good times.

In other news, I may have an article tomorrow. I may not. Depends on how I feel today. And also if I spend the whole day sleeping, like I have been for the last 4 days. Damn overnight shift broke me good. Thank God it’s almost over.

We’ve had our fill of Heaven

Okay, good news. I’ve found solutions to all my problems. Some less great than others, but at least… you know what? Only one is a good solution, and that’s deciding to get my own webhost. Currently, I’m leaning toward Topclasshost, but it’ll still be a few days before my cash transfer will be complete, so if anyone spots a better deal in the next 4-5 days, don’t be afraid to give me a holler.

The next thing I’ve decided is about the site’s future. I’ve come to the conclusion that my last blog post was kind of like a mid-life crisis for the site. As such, I’ve decided that since the site is three-and-a-half years old, I will continue with it until it’s at least seven. At that point, it’ll be up in the air, but I promise that I will continue to provide half-baked entertainment until December of 2009.

Lastly, since I’m really not digging the night shift as much as I thought I would (read: at all), I’ve quit my job. It’s sad because I like the work, but I really hate the hours. I don’t feel so bad though, because my cousins go through jobs like Russians through vodka, and me only quitting one job because I don’t like it doesn’t seem so bad in comparison. Anyway, I’ve already come up with a respectable list of places that I know I’d love working at, so we’ll see how that turns out.

But enough about that shit. I’ve got good news! I’ll be posting a good many articles soon after I get set up with wherever I’ll be hosting my site from, with one being a real movie review. Not one of those lousy quickies. Also a handful of video game reviews, including Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without A Pulse, and a review of the Tales of Eternia anime series (Because I’m a Tales whore. Seriously. I’m considering getting a PSP for the ToE port, even though I swore to myself that I’d never buy one of the damn things). All this along with some very overdue articles and the rest of the Comedy-Napalm articles. So while there’s been a little slump this month, things are going to get very much better soon. At least for a while. Did anyone suggest the return of weekly articles? I just might consider it…

Argh… One last note: due to inactivity and the whole webhost fiasco, the CN Forums have officially been abandoned. They’ll still be around for a couple months or so, but after that, they’ll be dead. Not like mine, which are still floating around out there somewhere…

The streets are filled with regret

There are three reasons I’ve neglected to post anything over the past week. Firstly, and most dominant of the trio, is that one way or another, I’m going to be moving the site again. Mike has gone and found a new web hosting service, and that means if I’m going to keep blogging on his dollar that I have to move with him. However, I’ve been seriously considering finding my own web host. I’ve been looking around for a bit, and I’ve found one that seems to have all the things I need, so I may very well take my web-fate into my own hands after three and a half years of relying on someone else.

The second reason is that I’ve had no will to write at all lately. I’ve been devoting most of my computer time to Coozy for Hire, and I don’t feel like working on anything else on the computer. I’ve got plenty of things I want to write about or at least give plug in the blog, but this whole graveyard shift business is really taking it out of me. Was everyone who told me it was a bad idea right? Yeah, probably. I still love the work, but the hours are really starting to get to me. Not to mention that I have to start half an hour early every day and manage to get clockblocked for at least twenty mintues every weeknight. That’s just not cool.

The last thing that’s been keeping me astray is thinking about the future. And not just the overall future, but the future of this website. Like what the hell am I going to do with it when I’m done? Will I just let my hosting run out and let it become nothing than a memory? When am I going to decide to call it quits? Am I going to be able to let go or will I kep updating until I die because I don’t want to just throw away something I’ve invested so much time and effort into? Why do I bother doing it all anyway? I get no significant pleasure from writing, and nobody really visits anyway. These thoughts are driving me bonkers, and have helped chop away at my zeal for webmastering. So I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but likely I’ll get a rush of enthusiasm if I get my own webhosting, like I did when I escaped the clutches of Angelfire. Anyway, we’ll just see, and you can expect that I’ll update you whenever something related to any of these issues happens.

I hate socks

I hate socks. You know that? Well now you do. It’s not really a well-known fact that I don’t hate many things. Hell, I rarely even get truly mad at anything. I may get worked up about certain issues every once in a while, but I always tend to cool off after a minute or so. My philosophy is that nothing good can come of anger, so I do my best to keep it to a minimum. This is kinda hard for me because when I was a kid I threw fits of rage all the time, and short fuses seem to run in my family.

Anyhow, back to the task at hand. There are three things in the world that I hate with so much passion. These things are socks, when people take stuff from me without asking, and computers. While the last is really a love/hate issue, and the second is the one thing that makes me blow up, socks are really more of a passive hatred for me. See, socks don’t necessarily anger me, but they do cause me more grief and annoyance than even my greatest foe. So much do they bother me, that I really don’t know where to start.

I guess that since I do have to pick somewhere to begin, that we’ll go with the most obvious choice, and that would be how I hate putting them on. One of the biggest issue I have with socks is that they’re cumbersome to equip. They’re not like a shirt which you can just pull on, or pants which you can simply hop into. No. When it comes to socks, you’ve gotta take a seat and reach all the damn way down to your feet to get ’em on. This may not be as troublesome for some of you, but for a well-rounded man like myself, it can be quite a pain. I just can’t imagine how tough it must be for people who are actually fat. The other thing about them is that you have to align them correctly. I know some socks aren’t as shaped as others, but most socks are supposed to be put on in a certain way, which takes even more time, and if you manage to botch it, you either have to do it all over again or walk around with an uncomfortable sock all day.

The next thing I hate most about socks is that you have to wear them. They’re not optional like a hat or gloves. No, socks are required if you plan to go anywhere. Sure, you can squeak by with sandals on occasion, but those are only good in the summer, and I find sandals to be uncomfortable and unfashionable, so it’s hardly worth it to get out of wearing socks. People are out there wasting their time inventing crap we have no need for like tiny little music players, when the real thing they should be researching is shoes that can be worn without socks. Trust me, I’ve tried going around without socks, but all that accomplishes is ruining your shoes and creating an terrible odor. The lack of socks causes the sweat produced by your feet to get stuck to the inside of the shoes, making them harder to remove, and ruining the soles. Then as an added “bonus”, the sweat had some kind of poor reaction with the shoes, making both the foot and the shoe extra-smelly. Actually, this is beginning to sound like reasons why you should wear socks, so I’ll move on to more anger.

Another thing I hate, related to the point above, is that socks are annoying to wear. Just think about it. You get home from a long day, and all you want to do is rip off your socks and put your feet up. The problem with this is that once you take them off, you’re done for the day. There’s no going back, and if you do, you’re gonna have to go through the big deal or re-applying the socks. And probably a new pair at that, as putting on not-fresh socks is even worse than usual, as they’re already all sweaty and gross. Sure, if you’d just left them on you’d probably never notice the grossness, but when you put used socks back on, you notice that gross. You know you’ve been there. The greatest part about this article is that it can speak to everyone. I’m sure that everything I mention here is something that everyone’s dealt with. You may not have had as much of a problem with it as I do, but you know you’ve been there.

The final thing I have to complain about is probably the worst. Wet socks. Wet socks are the fucking bane of my existence. Nothing makes me more irritable than wet socks. It’s the closest I’ll ever come to knowing what those women are going through during their periods, and I’m sure you agree that wet socks are like the worst thing ever. Not only are they uncomfortable as hell, but for the most part, you don’t get wet socks in a situation where you’re gonna be able to remove them right away. No. It always seems to happen when you’re gonna be having the shoes on for an extended period of time. Then you have to slog around all day with wet feet, and chances are that the experience will make you bitter, which will in turn make you lash out at everyone else, bringing them down as well. Wet socks aren’t good for anyone. To top it all off, socks are like ten thousand percent harder to remove when wet, like any clothing. It’s like they know they’re torturing you and don’t want it to end. Fucking socks.

And that’s pretty much it. With all of the points above, you can more than likely see why I hate socks with a passion, and you’re probably gonna be able to relate as well. Socks are just a pain in the ass, and believe you me, when I’m a bajillionaire web celebrity, I’m going to devote a good amount of time and money to finding a way to eliminate the need for socks entirely. And after that, maybe I’ll work on cancer or world hunger or something. Because I’m all about helping people. After I’ve helped myself, anyhow.

Gonna be a guitar hero!

March is over, and so is peak site activity. As I mentioned in my last post, now that I’m working again, I’ll have a lot less time for the site, and most of my computer time will probably be devoted to making funny funny comics. But oh well. I gave a short description of my last job a while into it, and it’s time for me to do that again.

Most people work during normal hours of the day, but not me. I work while the rest of the world sleeps, and I go to bed when children leave for school. Uh, except today. Today I’m staying up to write a little post for my blog. Anyhow, the overnight shift is a little annoying, but it’s not like I have any social obligations, so it’s not a big deal for me. The only thing that’s getting to me is that I’ve got less Ryan time, and I’m all about the Ryan time. My stupid family is around during all my awake hours now, and it’s driving me nuts. Blasted people just watch TV all goddamned day. They have no hobbies other than sitting there and telling me that I can’t listen to music while I compute because it gets in the way of their TV. Fuckers. I’ll be sure to buy a wireless access point so I can internet from my room as soon as possible.

So back to the job… My daily duties are basically pulling shit back and forth. Sometimes I have to open some boxes or stock a shelf or two, but otherwise I just lug stuff around and thorw garbage in the compactor all day. It’s exactly what I’ve been looking for in a job, and I simply love it. Easy stuff, and it really makes me work so I feel like I’m actually getting something done. The only issue is the blisters all over my feet and the chaffing of my thighs. But… that should get better in time. Right? Also, since I spend most of my time in the back, I get to spend a lot of time listeneing to the radio, which is way better than listening to customers order me around. Even better is the fact that Power (a local radio station) plays much better music in the middle of the night. So not only am I enjoying my work, but I get to rock out too. It couldn’t possibly get any better. Actually, wait, it does. On my first day I came back from break, and “Stuck in the Middle With You” was playing on the radio. Having a box-cutting knife in my hand, I took the opportunity to dance around a bit and then violently slice a flap off a box. You don’t get moments of concentrated awesome like that at Tim Horton’s.

The people I work with seem to be on the level. The supervisors are cool enough, and the guy in charge has gotta be like 25 at most. Most of the overnight crew is all old (as in too old for me) ladies, but I’m generally on my own all night, so it’s no problem. It would be nice to have a few girls my age to work with, because I could use a little visual relief now and then, but I guess I can get along all right without. We all take our breaks at the same time, which seems a bit unorthodox, but makes enough sense. I miss the quiet and solitude that come with independent breaks, but again, I can deal with it.

Let’s see… What else should I mention? Oh, I get to wear whatever I damn well please. That was kind of obvious, but I figured I’d throw it out there. Riding around on a pallet jack is awesome too. At the end of the shift (which, for me, is when all the work is done – not when 6 o’clcok rolls around), I get to scoot around the store in search of any leftover pallets, which is like the highlight of the night. Pallet jack racing should be a recognized sport. Well, it was a bit disjointed (I should have been in bed about 2 hours ago), but that about sums up all I needed to say about my new job. I love it, and if you’ve got nothing better to do, you should totally work the overnight shift at a department store. It rocks.

Mellow out or you will pay

So much to post about… So little urge to do it all… Well I guess first of all, I should mention that Comedy-Napalm has died. At least physically. The spirit of CN lives on through various websites which will be under their own heading on the sidebar there (eventually). And also the forums. I will eventually stick up all my CN junk here too, so don’t think you’ve seen the end of that crap.

Secondly, I love my job. It’s all so easy, and since it’s all physical, it actually feels like I’m working. At the same time though, it also feels kinda like I’m not really working. The whole staying up all night and sleeping all morning is a little odd, but I’ll get used to it. Did I mention that I get like an hour and a half worth of breaks? Yeah. It’s sweet. But sadly it’s gonna slow down site work a lot. I can’t remember if I did a lot of stuff while I was working at Timmy’s, but it’ll probably be a little slower than that period of time.

I’m sure there was something else I meant to say… I can’t remember what it was for the life of me though, so I’ll just quit it now. I’ll probably have all links and such fixed up soon, but I’m not sure if I’ve got the drive to get it all done tonight. I guess only time will tell.

Just gimme gimme gimme fried chicken!

So I had a “job offer” this morning. Didn’t do that at Timmy’s, so I had no idea what it would be. There, they just finished the interview and said they’d give me a call to tell me when I start. Turns out the thing was just a bunch of red tape, and it took less than half an hour, but I do have some light reading to do. Oh, and I officially have a job now.

Afterwards I went to McDonald’s to get some breakfast, and it wasn’t until I was done eating that it dawned on me that I had eaten breakfast before I left. Oops. Just thought that was kind of a funny little story.

Since I don’t have anything else important to say, I’ll just dump a few more links on you. I’ve been doing it all month, why stop now?

Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit 2006 site

Hilarious news report on a leprechaun sighting

Satoru Iwata’s keynote address transcript

Zelda: Phantom Hourglass trailer (check the right-hand sidebar)

All sorts of video game speedruns. Impressive to say the least

I would drown in your river of love

Yesterday I had not one, but two job interviews. I believe that they went rather well, and I even got a call back today for orientation. So it looks like Ryan’s a-gonna be working the night shift! Yeah, apparently that’s not such a great thing for my body, but if it puts snacks on the table, that’s all I need. I’m totally cool with the work, and the only thing I’m a little apprehensive about is how I’m going to manage to do anything else, since my whole schedule will be upside-down. In any case, it’s all good because I’ll be on the regular income train again. No matter how gihumongenormous a tax refund is, it still only lasts so long. To celebrate, I went out and spent craploads of money! First off, I scored the Hawksley Workman album Lover/Fighter, which is an incredible CD that I recommend you go and buy now on account of it’s so awesome. Next, I ran into the South Park season 7 DVD set, so I scooped that right up. On the gaming side of things, I bought Tales of Phantasia for GBA. Great game. Hell, the whole Tales series is great, and I highly recommend you give at least one game a try. The last thing I bought (and prepare yourself for this one: you’re not going to be happy with me) was a GameBoy Micro. My practical reasons for buying it just sound like excuses anyway, so we’ll just chalk it up to the fact that I’ll buy anything that Nintendo tries to sell me. Plus it’s so tiny! I was looking for Tetris DS too (actually the original reason I went shopping), but no stores have it in stock yet, so maybe tomorrow…

So that’s my tale. I’ve really got nothing else to announce today. I might finish uploading stuff to the DeviantART gallery this weekend, and there will probably be a new article soon too. Though it’ll likely be a boring game review, so don’t get too excited about that.

Oh! Hey, and don’t forget that Satoru Iwata’s giving his keynote speech at the GDC today, so expect a whole slew of Revolution-related info to be flying all about the intarweb over the next little while.

Socially disturbed

Man, sitting around the University all day is boring. There’s a three-hour gap between my classes from Tuesday to Thrusday and I’ve got nothing to do, or at least no secluded place to do it. It’s stupid to think I could find such a haven, but I really hate people. Just their existence pisses me off. If there were a room where I could set up shop and study or whatnot during the off-time, and not have to worry about passersby or door-knockers (which nullifies my washroom strategy), that would be great. But no such room exists. So I have to sit around in the computer lab all day, in the presence of putrid humans. Nowhere else is any better, but at least I have internet access there. And the best thing is the complete lack of internet blocking software. It would surely be frowned upon, and I never would, but I could potentially look up porn should I feel the need. So all my complaining aside, no real news today. But the first comic at Coozy For Hire should be up tonight. If not, we’ve got some filler. Mmm filler. So I’ve got to go off to class now. Maybe I’ll use all this spare time I have to increase article production. You’d like that, now wouldn’t you?