TE Top 10 – Funnest Video Game Moments

I don’t know how many times I’ve started an article with this fact, but I play a lot of video games. Perhaps too many, but not nearly as many as some of the real hardcore people. Why do I play video games? Mostly because they’re fun. At least, a good 40% or so are fun. The other 60% are licensed crap and RPGs (not a typo). Most of the good ones are fun in their own special way too, and that’s why it’s good to play a large variety; you never know what’s gonna amuse you next.

I’ve clearly taken it upon myself to make up a list. And not just any list, but a list of the ten absolute most fun things to do in video games. And while my ego does like to believe that my list is absolute, it is in reality only my personal list. You may disagree on some counts (as they’re somewhat sadistic), but I’m sure you’ll agree that most of them are in fact awesome, even if you wouldn’t put them on your own list.

To slim things down a bit and keep a little less bias about than usual, I’ve weeded out any ideas that are too general. Basically, I’m going to ignore entire games and multiplayer modes in general (for the most part) because let’s face it, the list would be Super Smash Bros Melee ten times over if I didn’t. Mind you, I didn’t spend a whole lot of time coming up with the list (only about two hours), but I think I got the essentials down. You should also take note that they’re not in any particular order, because there’s no way I’d ever be able to decide. So with the intro out of the way, let’s hop to it!

Smashing Opponents Into The Electric Fence

Game: Super Mario Strikers

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: While Super Mario Strikers is a ton of fun in general, there’s one thing that really brings it above any other Mario Sports title: the amount of mayhem. While a game of Mario Kart can get pretty heated, it’s nothing compared to Strikers. The explosions, the Bowser, the hitting. You could piss away entire games simply body checking any poor soul that makes the mistake of getting too close and still enjoy the game to pretty damn well near its full potential. The thing that makes this even better is that the pitch is surrounded by an invisible barrier. What’s so great about that? well when you hit an enemy into it, they find out the hard way that it’s coursing with a many million volts. If 10,000v is the maximum real world voltage for an electric fence, then this one is likely around a couple megavolts. Anyhow, I find this extremely fun not only in the fact that I’m frying my opponents good, but also because they always let out a very painful-sounding scream as the electricity courses through their bodies. I told you some of these would be a little sadistic.

Traditional Super Mario Games

Game: Super Mario Bros/Super Mario Bros 3/Super Mario World/New Super Mario Bros

Platform: NES/ARC/GBC/GBA/SNES/DS

Fun Rating: 9/10

Description: I really didn’t want to include entire games (nevermind a whole series) in this, and rather just elements of games, but it’s too damned hard not to give a mention to Mario platformers. They’ve always been the cream of the crop as far as video games go, and you can always play them over and over. Mario’s the most recognizable video game character ever, and with good reason. People all over the world were enchanted by Super Mario Bros and many still hail it as one of the best games ever, and when it isn’t mentioned, it’s usually replaced by SMB3 or Super Mario World. Not only were the games fun because of their simple and addictive gameplay, but also because they could frustrate the Hell out of even the greatest players. Not catching on? Maybe the words “Outrageous” and “Tubular” will get those synapses firing. Lastly, I won’t spoil it, but New Super Mario Bros has like the greatest final boss fight ever. At least for a side-scroller.

Being A Zombie

Game: Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without A Pulse

Platform: PC/XBox

Fun Rating: 7/10

Description: I knew right away when I heard about Stubbs the Zombie that I had to have it. Even though the game turned out very differently than I’d imagined while reading about it, it still pleased me to no end when I finally got down to playing it. I don’t think there’s been a video game that’s let you be a zombie before (aside from a couple power-ups or bonus-games), and my dream came true with Stubbs. Its a pretty linear game, and doesn’t afford you a lot of options (early on, anyway), but it’s incredibly fun. Stubbs can do all sorts of awesome things like eat brains and create a horde of zombies. You can even rip off people’s arms and use them to beat other bystanders to death. Nearly 100 times more fun than a boring ol’ baseball bat. Posessing humans is pretty nifty too, and I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of using Stubbs’ “unholy flatulence” move. The only thing that really brings the experience down is that the game occasionally forces you to play as a [posessed] human, and the death of that host means having to start the area over. All in all though, playing for the zombie team is about as good as it gets.

Rolling People Into A Katamari

Game: Katamari Damacy/We Love Katamari/Me & My Katamari

Platform: Playstation 2/PSP

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: I don’t know how many times I have to reiterate this: the Katamari Damacy series is the best thing to happen since opposable thumbs. The music is insane, the graphics are hilarious, and well, the gameplay was good enough to make me buy a PS2 (and maybe even a PSP, should it get a little cheaper). You’d never think that rolling things up into a ball would be as much fun as this, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t. And while rolling up onigiris and shoes is all well and good, the really fun part (at least for me) is when you get to roll up the wandering residents of the Earth. Many games have memorable moments, but none are quite the same as the first time your katamari is large enough to roll up a child. Oh, those little guys can run. It’s a truly amazing experience, and if you hadn’t been sold on the Katamari idea up to that point, once you start hearing the screams of terror from your freshly rolled high-school basketball team, you’ll definitely realize just why this series has the following it does.

Holding Up Soldiers

Game: Metal Gear Solid: the Twin Snakes/Metal Gear Solid 2/Metal Gear Solid 3

Platform: Nintendo GameCube/Playstation 2/XBox

Fun Rating: 6/10

Description: It may not be the most exhiliarating thing on the list, but there is definitely something to be said for the hold-up tactic found in all the Metal Gear Solid games since MGS2:Sons of Liberty (though the mini-game-esque “Hold Up Mode” was only in Substance). Playing with the guards and soldiers is a huge plus for the series, especially since getting through the main games doesn’t take too long (cutscenes aside), and possibly the most entertaining thing you can do to them is the hold-up. A vital tactic for procuring dog tags in The Twin Snakes and Sons of Liberty, the hold-up is exectuted by simply sneaking up behind your target and readying your gun. Walking in front of them and using first-person mode will scare them into dropping a dog tag (or other goods), and from there, they’re yours to play with. You can proceed to shoot out their radios, injure various limbs, or just shoot them in the ass to make them jump. some are even would-be heroes and try to pull their guns on you after you hold them up. Pumping a bullet into them will put ’em back in line.

Drenching Isle Delfino Residents

Game: Super Mario Sunshine

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 5/10

Description: If the FLUDD is good for anything, it’s annoying the crap out of all the NPCs in Super Mario Sunshine. A past-time that I don’t tire of quickly, soaking anyone nearby doesn’t rank too highly on my list, but it’s still a good wad of fun. Nokis try to take that fun away by simply retreating ito their shells, but the vast majority of Piantas will get all flustered and make a huge fuss about it. If only they’d actually take action after so long (I’m thinking they could exact revenge like the cuccos in Zelda games)… And then there’s Toadsworth. While the basic Toads just screech a little and act like they’re going to melt, the mustachioed mushroom lets out the most hilarious “YAAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!!” you’ll ever hear. That yelp alone is worth the place on this list. There are a lot of fun things to do in Super Mario Sunshine, but squirting Toadsworth makes me giggle like a schoolgirl every time.

Wasting Those Other Links

Game: Zelda: Four Swords Adventures/Zelda: A Link to the Past & Four Swords

Platform: Nintendo Gamecube/GBA

Fun Rating: 10/10

Description: Four Swords isn’t exaclty Zelda as you know it. It’s pretty close, but it’s got something no other has: multiplayer. While it’s multiplayer that encourages teamwork, it also makes sure to allow for plenty of friendly fire. Adventuring through stage after stage can get a little tiring, and every now and then, you just have to let loose and start murdeing any other Links that get close. Whether you’re doing it to steal Force Gems because you’re a backstabbing traitor (me), because you feel the need to start a war between the Links (also me), or just because throwing your friend off a cliff seemed like a fun idea (me again), killing each other can be far more fun than playing through the game proper. Four Swords Adventures even includes a battle mode tailored specifically to meet your teamkilling needs. Of course, there aren’t actually teams in that mode, but you know what I mean. The weapons and items in the games provide you with endless ways to burn, slash, stab, trample, explode, pierce, and throw your friends. There’s even an item in battle mode that unleashes a cucco who will rip out an opponent’s heart. Joy!

Playing Anakin (Or Any Sith, Really)

Game: Star Wars Epidoe III: Revenge of the Sith

Platform: Playstation 2/XBox/GBA/DS

Fun Rating: 8/10

Description: I know there are tons of Star Wars games out there where you can play a Dark Side character, but for the sake of brevity, I’m going to focus on Revenge of the Sith for this article. Yes, plenty of games let you be bad guys and perform actions not sanctioned by basic human morals, but Star Wars games really hand evil to you on a platter. I get much more satisfaction from watching an alien squirm as I crush his throat than I do from pumping bullets into people. The RotS games let you choose from Obi-Wan and Anakin, and Anakin is clearly the choice if you’re playing for the fun of it. Obi-Wan tends to be easier to play, but his is a more defensive game, while Anakin’s game focuses almost entirely on offense. Watching legions of battle droids crumble beneath the might of my Dark Side Force powers is a sight that couldn’t ever get old. The console version is even better, intensifying everything with fancy effects and superior lightsaber duels. I can see why so many Jedis fall to the Dark Side… It’s just so awesome.

Running Down Pedestrians

Game: The Simpsons: Road Rage/The Simpsons: Hit & Run

Platform: Nintendo GameCube/Playstation 2/Xbox/GBA/PC

Fun Rating: 7/10

Description: Yes, you can run over pedestrians in most driving games (and shame shame double shame to those in which you can’t). I know this. I know this well. But in most games they just go splat and then you get out and take their money. In the Simpsons games, the pedestrian-smashing is a little more humorous. You see, rather than pulling a Frogger, the pedestrians in the Simpsons games will bounce into the air when they get smacked by a car, giving players the impression that they’re all made entirely of rubber. Don’t ask me why I like this way of hitting people so much more, but I do. In fact, I was originally going to use GTA3 as a headliner for this entry, but decided against it when I remebered how much more fun it is when Homer runs somebody down than when some run-of-the-mill mobster does it. The funny noise it makes helps too.

Bomberman Multiplayer!

Game: Bomberman Generation

Platform: Nintendo GameCube

Fun Rating: 10/10

Description: Yeah, okay. So multiplayer in nearly any Bomberman game is stellar (except that XBox 360 abortion they call Bomberman: Act Zero). This is a well-known fact to nearly everyone. But I come here today intent on stressing how much I love the multiplayer mode in Bomberman Generation. Sure, you could just play the regular old blast-the-other-guys mode (which is A-OK, don’t get me wrong), but I’m totally enamored with the ultra-frantic Dodge Battle. You don’t get any bombs, and neither do your opponents. Sounds weak, but there’s a catch: bombs fall from the sky! The basic idea is to avoid them and be the last one standing, and playing that way is cool, but there’s even more. Each Bomberman starts equipped with both kick and punch abilities, so you can still put your back into getting your enemies killed, even if it’s not the traditional way. There are some more special modes, but they don’t kick nearly as much ass. You can read about ’em all in my Bomberman Generation FAQ… somewhere. It’s on this site and GameFAQs, but I don’t feel like linking to either one at the moment.

So that’s it for now. I’m sure that there are some great moments that I’ve forgotten, but I’m content with my list. Surely games of the future will bring even more memorable moments, and I’m looking forward to all of them. I can’t really think of anything else that needs to be said to conclude this, so off I go!

I can’t see no reason to put up a fight

I’ve been a bit preoccupied taking care of the new baby, but I managed to spare a little time to whip up a spiffy banner and port over an old Comedy Napalm article. It’s a rehash, yes, but it’s a rehash with a corrected spelling mistake. Added some fancy list bullets too. Read it here, or if you don’t want to read, just pop in to appreciate cute li’l Sephiroth.

RAW 01 – The Death of Aeris

I’ve been thinking up starting a running series of article where I rip on something that most people really like. Or something like that. Anyway, let’s just jump right into the first issue of “Ryan Against the World.”

Video games offer a lot. Mostly, they’re entertainement mediums, and for ages that was based solely in the actual gameplay. Nowadays however, there’s a greater emphasis on story and character development and music and all that stuff that goes along with it. One thing that video games have been really getting into since the Nintendo64/Playstation generation was emotional weight. With more complex stories and characters comes all sorts of crazy crap that can really make you feel while you’re playing the game (or sitting through the cutscenes, in most cases). there are games out there that will have you laughing heartily, bring you halfway to tears, or stir you into a vicious rage (and not just because the game is difficult).

Now, I’m all for this, see? I don’t really need any more reason to play video gmaes than to have fun, but it all comes as a nice bonus. But some people live for this kind of stuff, and as such, it’s a pretty popular topic in forums and polls on gaming websites. So where am I going with all of this? I don’t really know, but I needed an intro of some sort. Anyway, when it all comes down to it, I’ve noticed that there is one almost unanimous opinion for the more emotional moment in video game history: the death of Aeris in Final Fantasy 7.

I’ll put it bluntly. What the fuck? The world thinks that that was the most emotional moment in video games? They thought it was sad? People cried? I’ll accept that the world is comprised of dumb FF7 fanboys, but come on. How could you have possibly been sad when Aeris died? Yeah, it was a little shocking (and illogical) that she got bumped off not even halfway through the game, but it was not in the slightest a sad moment. In fact, I was hollering for joy when they neglected to realize that a Phoenix Down would fix it all. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that Aeris sucks.

Yes, now I’ve incurred the wrath of every gamer that Sqeenix has on their super-leash, but I don’t rightly give a damn. Aeris is like the worst character ever. For one: she’s a bum. Let’s face it, the bitch lived in a broken, abondoned church. Alone, it’s not really a proper strike against her, because some people just can’t help it, but I’m actually going somewhere with this. She clearly has no grasp on the concept of money. Selling flowers for one lousy Gil? No wonder she’s a goddamned hobo. She’d have to sell a whole damn boquet just to afford half a potion. Besides that, who in Midgar would want flowers? And shitty one-gil flowers to boot? Nobody appreciates cheap flowers. Nobody.

Secondly, she’s worthless in battle. Unless of course, you get her higher-level limit breaks, which you only get by using her extensively. And even then, they’re not enough to warrant keeping her in the party. This wouldn’t be so bad if you could just lump her off to the side like Cait Sith and Yuffie, but was there not a segement of the game where they forced her into your party? Not to mention that if you decided to go all the way and do the whole rigamarole of getting her final limit break and purchased her new weapons and shit throughout the adventure, you’d be out a whole lotta time and cash. Of course, all of this is just icing on the top of the fact that she’s a horribly annoying character. Cloud has zero taste in women.

There are tons of sadder moments in video games than when Aeris dies. Some of those include:

  • The death of Lisa in Silent Hill (actually, the entire story is kinda sad)
  • The death of Stella in Tales of Legendia (only because it means Senel will be hooking up with Shirley, whom I also harbor distaste for)
  • When you realize there’s only about 20 minutes of actual gameplay in any given Metal Gear Solid game.
  • Purchasing an Xbox/360 (after you realize what you’ve done)
  • When the local Chuck E Cheese’s closes, and it was the only place within miles that still had the Captain America and the Avengers arcade game.

That seems to be the most of what I have to say, and I have no more silly things to add to that list, so that’s it for today. Remember kids: Winners don’t do drugs. Captain America and the Avengers was like the best game ever.

Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around

So I’m watching Firewall (Which, by the way, was so-so. I liked Hostage better) last night, and around 1AM my brother decides to go out for a walk with his girlfriend. These kids are fourteen, mind you. My parents object, but fail to do anything that actually stops him, so he’s gone. The movie ends, it’s about quarter after two, and my mom is unhappy that he’s not returned. My dad tells me to go and track him down to see what’s going on. Always eager to pretend I’m a ninja, I accept, slip on my sneakers, and leave.

I walk down the street a bit and hear voices, so I jump in the bush. I peer out, seeing that it’s only people chattering on their front step. But then there are voices behind me. I’m only covered from the front and sides, my back exposed. Surely they’ve seen me. I crouch down and hope for the best. The voices pass, I am safe. I peer up and see that it’s my quarry that unwittingly got the drop on me. Had this been a real game of cat and mouse, they would regret their poor attention to their surroundings.

I let them go and dodge behind the nearby senior complex. Unfortunately, it has a fenced-off yard, and hoping to avoid any unwanted attention, I have to travel the rocky shore of the lake behind said senoir complex. Letting my focus slip for a split second, I misstep and get a shoe full of water. I haven’t accomplished my mission yet, so I keep on truckin’. The shoreline is unfortunately littered with small birds, and they raise a bit of a racket, but I’m still in the clear. I get out from behind the complex and slowly make my way through the paved field of parked cars, not knowing if my targets are ahead of or behind me. I slowly creep out, and see that they had made excellent time. They must have run at some point, as there’s no way they could have gotten as far as they did as fast as they did at a normal walking pace.

As they amble through a parking lot, I quietly sneak along a fence, keeping just enough distance to make an easy getway should they turn an notice me. My poor luck came into play, as the brightly lit parking lot offered little cover or darkness for me to keep a low profile in. I had also neglected to dress appropriately in my haste, so shadows would not have likely helped too much anyway. I continued my hunt anyway, and was able to find shelter behind a garden shed and some bricks. They stopped just under a streetlight, and proceeded to… fondle… each other. It was mildly disgusting, but I had to keep watch to see what was up. My intuition was telling me that they would simply stop here to say goodbye and then part ways for the night.

Ten minutes later, they were still… at it… and I was ready to pack it in and cut my losses. Then, from behind me, I heard voices approaching. A couple of no-goodniks were walking down the sidewalk, and when they spotted me, they figured it would be funny to blow my cover. They never stopped moving though, so I was able to escape before my brother caught on as soon as they passed by the shed. I quickly fled the scene, using the sparsely placed trees and tall grass as cover, hoping that he hadn’t noticed my presence.

As soon as I reached a rather dark shadow, I crouched down and assessed the situation. My brother was slowly on his way back, but I had plenty of time and room to make my way back unnoticed. But it wasn’t over. Since my return would be easy, I took the sidewalk, and that turned out to be a foolish move. I noticed three figures coming down the street towards me. They seemed to be all dressed in white. I immediately assumed the worst and that I was done for. I knew they had seen me, and trying to hide would only make me a more interesting target, so I continued walking. As they drew closer, however, I noticed that they were not in fact dressed all in white. They were not dressed at all! The naked figures continued their march right past me, and I turned my head so as not to get an eyeful of anything I didn’t want to see (knowing all well that I could have gotten an eyeful of exactly what I did want to see. Which is boobs). As they passed, I quickly picked up my pace, hoping that quickness would help me avoid any other oddities the night might want to throw at me.

I got home unscathed and my brother followed shortly, blissfully unaware that I had been following him.

After my little adventure, I’ve come to a simple conclusion: If you have kids, or when you do, don’t fucking let them go out after a certain time. Midnight or so should about do it. You know all those stories your mom told you about how all the freaks come out at night? Well they’re true. It doesn’t matter how safe you think your neighbourhood is. After nightfall, anything could be lurking around outside. So do your kids a favour, and no matter how much they pretend to hate you, just keep them inside at night. You may very well be saving their lives, or at least saving their eyes a good washing. That’s your article for next week, by the way.

…

j/k. Relax, guy. It should be up on Sunday this time, assuming nothing distracts me too much over the weekend.

She likes to sleep, I like to stay up all night

If you don’t appreciate this photo gallery (probably NSFW), get off my website now.

In other news, that kind of thing was long overdue here. Also, it turns out HAL’s cutting Mr. Game & Watch from Super Smash Bros Brawl. ‘Tis a sad day indeed. A couple others are getting axed too (Young Link, Ice Climbers), but I don’t care nearly as much. Besides, Young Link is being “replaced” by Wind Waker Link, and Ridley is now on board too (as well as Young Bowser, but that’s no more than a “meh”), so it kind of evens out. In the the end though, it doesn’t matter which characters are there, because the game is going to rock all over the place regardless.

We want the world

Due to popular demand, I’ve added an RSS feed at the top there. I have no idea how these things work, and I have no interest in them, but you know, that’s what the public wants. Still working a few kinks out of it though, so if something’s off, then… get over it. It does basically what it’s supposed to though (I think), so all is as good as it needs to be right now.

A rather harsh blow to my self-esteem, Matt has begun publishing his own multi-installment article on his recent trip to Disney World. I look at this with sadness mostly because it’s like a bajillion times better than my own (which is mysteriously still not finished). On the upside, it seems he’s just like me in that he’s absolutely fascinated by aquatic creatures, yet would never go anywhere near them. A little more on that particular subject tomorrow…

Rocky Snow Ice Pops!


Summertime is finally dawning upon us here in Canadia, and with summer comes many things. Air conditioning, shorts, yardwork, hot girls in skimpy clothing, fat girls in skimpy clothing, etc etc. I never said they were all good things, did I? One of my favourite things about summertime is that it’s the only time of the year when the ice cream trucks come ’round. Some would say I’m too old for such things, but in my world you’re never too old for ice cream shaped like Wolverine.

While the truck with the horrible old-timey tuneses drive around delivering the primo stuff, most parents tend to go a little cheaper when it comes to frozen goodies. Freezies are a popular pick, as they’re unbelievably cheap (much like a certain mother of yours) and normally come in numbers that would make any mathemagician cum. Wow, that’s two off-colour jokes in one sentence. Anyway, freezies come in many colours and sizes, and while they are a budget snack, they do a good job of it.


I was recently “blessed” with a bit of an oddball pack of freezies. Just look at it. Odd stuff, wouldn’t you say?

Okay, so it’s not that different from most cheapass freezies, but there is plenty to pick at here. And pick I shall. The Rocky Mountain Ice Pops are pretty normal at a glance, but if you look closer, you’ll notice many an issue with the innocent little ice pops. Just the front of the package alone will have you scratching your head and poking fun at the artists.


Look at that peach! While one would assume that the fruits are without gender, the peach is clearly a female. A female that needs to cover her shame! Whoever drew the peach must have a plethora of mental issues, not the least of which is clearly a fruit fetish. Hey, that’s actually really fun to say. Fruit fetish fruit fetish fruit fetishshshshhhh. You know, he might have also just been a big Bruce Campbell fan. I mean, I’ve never seen a vag that goes all the way up to a girl’s chin. And I spent six years in Arubastan looking for one.

The other thing worthy of note here is the pineapple. The rest of the fruits seem to be using the ginormous ice pops as skis of some sort (except the peach, who’s totally getting off on the bumpy ride), but the pineapple is placed mysteriously behind the pop-skis. Maybe he’s got a pair of regular skis back there? Maybe he’s riding a small animal? Maybe whoever put this package art together is a sloppy jackass who doesn’t know how to use layers properly? It will riddle human kind for ages.



What you can read clearly says “EXCITING FLAVORS” You’ll see later that this is a Canadian product, so join me now in loathing of improper Canadian spelling of “flavours.” It is important to adhere to regional idioms! I mean, I’ll never pronounce it “leiftenant” (if you want to pronounce it old-world style, spell it old-world style), but I’ll harangue any who don’t add in those extra U’s until the end of my days.

What you can only make tails of says “8 FRUIT FLAVORED ICE BARS.” Another point of demerit for our friends. On the bottom corner it states that the included flavours are orange, cherry, grape, and bubble gum. Okay okay okay WHAAAAAT? I’m no scienceologist, but I have read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica, and it doesn’t say anything about bubble gum being a fruit. And that last sentence will be 100% true if you replace “Encyclopedia Britannica” with “side of a Cheerios box.”



This is the back of the package. I’d talk about stuff on it here, but I have close-ups of everything notable, so I’d better not.

Oh yeah, but just note that the nutritional information is simply a sticker, and not a part of the package itself.



I know they’re called Ice Pops and all, but do you think they need to be frozen? It’s amazing how stupid they assume people are. Just look at this! It mentions not once or twice, but threece that the pops should be frozen before consumption. And you’d think that something so pronounced would be important, but no. The way these things are made, they’re much more enjoyable as an ice-free liquid. Yes they taste a bit better cold but… you know what, I’ll get back to that in a bit.

You know, I’m beginning to think that whoever proofread this package was not in fact a native English-speaker. There’s so much poor grammar here and more typos than even my articles. The lack of and S on “Direction” would signify that there’s only one step, but there are three! You need your esses! Come to think of it, couldn’t steps one and two be condensed into a single step? They basically say the same thing, but add different details.



Awww. Québec? Jeez. No wonder this product is so shoddy.

You also notice a number hiding in the shadows there. 1986. Damn. that means that these things have been in production since… me. Or sometime around there anyway. I don’t believe that this particular package is 20 years old, I just think that those damn lazy frenchies were too busy smoking and crying for separation that they never bothered to update their freezie packages.



If you couldn’t tell, I’m really reaching here. They’re fucking freezies. How much could there possibly be to write about? I only decided to go through with this article because I’m lazy and I already had the pictures (which I took like two weeks prior to this writing). Also because it made for a fun banner.

So check that shit out. An odd shape for a freezie package, no? Yeah it is, and it’s totally impractical too. The thing is (if you read the direction, you’d already know) that you’re supposed to freeze them and then snap ’em in half. Only not in my entire life has one of these damn things worked for me. Unless you freeze it real good, that plastic inn’t gonna snap like you wannit to. Nnnope. Instead, you’ll rip it a little, and some melted stuff will spray out and temporarily blind you and dye your eyes purple so when you an see again everything has a purple tint. Fuck I hate these things. Grape sucks.



Basically the best way to eat freezies so unfortunately packages is to just cut the little top nub off and drink it. Even if you chop it in half while frozen, the bottleneck in the middle makes it so you have to crush the things to get ’em through, unlike normal freezie packaging which lets you just slide it out as far as you like. Worst. Design. Ever.

I don’t have much else to add. At first I hit the S key by accident and typed “add” as “ass.” There really isn’t any good way to go out on such a craptacular article as this. I haven’t really been trying, and it was just a shitty topic to start with. Would have been better in a multi-topic article, I think. But it’s 11:37PM right now, and I promised I’d have an article done by midnight and I still have to do a quick scan for typos. Yeah. That’s all you get. Fuck you.