What have you done?

Yet again I have to suffer the consequences of looking like an idiot because I shot my mouth off before really having any idea what I was talking about.

Well, I suppose it’s not all that bad, but the sad reality of it all is that Chick Chick Boom is not actually Wii-friendly. Sadly, the Internet Channel’s Flash player isn’t advanced enough to run the game, and now I feel kind of dumb. It’s still a cool game though, and we can only assume that it will indeed run on the full version of the Internet Channel. And speaking of that, where is it? I was hoping that when they said “April” they meant “April 1st or 2nd” but it seems like we’re gonna have to hold out a little bit longer. Though now that I’ve bitched about it, it’ll probably show up tomorrow morning just to spite me. Or get delayed some more.

You know what I really like? Ham. Just for the sake of mixing things up a little, I’m going to tell a little story about the best ham ever. Basically what happened was the family went out to my grandparents’ cottage for dinner and visiting on Friday, and the main attraction of this particular feast was a beautiful ham. The first cool thing about it was that it was pre-sliced, like bread! It was a half-assed slicing job at best, but pre-sliced ham is a new technology, so we’ve gotta give ’em a little slack until they perfect it. Anyhow, the ham on its own was without a doubt the most delicious ham that has ever graced my lips. It was so full of flavour, and the skin was glazed with what must have been angel tears. But it gets better: the ham came with a second optional glaze, and holy cow was it the best thing ever. After applying even just a tiny bit of the cinnamony glaze, the ham tasted like friggin’ candy. That’s right. Ham candy. Candy ham. It’s like God himself decided to answer my fondest prayer.

The only bad thing is that I may never see such a ham again, because my grandpa bought it on a whim whilst on a shopping trip under orders from my grandma to “buy a ham that looks good”. Needless to say, he wasn’t really paying attention to which ham he picked, so the brand is a complete mystery. Despite this little setback, I do have faith that one day, I and the most delicious ham ever will be reunited, and all will be right in the universe, if only for a little while.

Do you wanna die?

Oh my God, you guys. I am not even kidding, Chick-Chick-Boom is the single best browser game ever. No exaggeration. No sarcasm. I love this game. Never mind the fact that it was made by Nintendo and intended to be played on the Wii’s internet channel. It’s just a really great game all around. You can even name your team, your chicks, and your opponents! It’s no Worms, but it’s still awesome in every way. I just realized that Nintendo made a completely free game. Wicked!

While I’m yapping about browser games, you should definitely give Warbears a shot. It’s wicked sweet too, but requires more thinking and planning than decisive action. And it’s real hard. I maybe should have mentioned that. I spent an entire night once trying to figure out the first mission. I probably couldn’t even do it again in a single try. Man, games with cuddly little animals sure are great.

No doubt about it

April’s Band of the Month is quite likely one of the greatest bands ever, the oh-so-kickass Deep Purple. “Highway Star” and “Space Truckin'” are two of my most favourite songs ever, and all of the sane rock community will tell you that Deep Purple rocks. Kind of like how all punkers can agree on Bad Religion. In any case, the band really doesn’t need me to speak for them. “Smoke on the Water”, anyone? Yeah. Totally.

Anyway, I never really used to listen to them, but one day a few years ago, my buddy Tyler sent me the song “Lazy” and I was hooked. Then I heard “Highway Star” for the first time and I was fanatical. Really the best part of all is that “Hush” is on the Xbox360 version of Guitar Hero 2, and I totally didn’t realize it until I stared playing the song. It was a moment to remember, that’s for sure.

I think one of the things that really gets me about the band is that a lot of their songs are really great driving songs, and there’s nothing I like better than a good soundtrack to accompany my adventures on the road. Edwin, Steve and I are planning a road trip, and I can just say that they’d better like Deep Purple, because you can bet that’s pretty much all I’ll be playing while I’m driving. That and maybe Lostprophets, possibly some Damone to round out the playlist. They’re next month’s BotM by the way, just to spoil the surprise! I know everyone looks so forward to this feature!

Who’ll be the lonely one

There have been a lot of little thoughts bouncing around inside my skull lately, and I’ll probably end up getting around to blogging about most of them sometime soon. So the blog will probably continue to be active for a while to come. But maybe not. You see, today was a very good day to have Wii Points, as two really awesome games have landed, and I may very well be absorbed in those for a while.

I’ve been waiting for it since the day I got my Wii, and finally finally StarFox 64 is available on the Virtual Console. It’s like the second best StarFox game ever (I like Command only slightly more), and goddamn I loves loves loves StarFox. Pretty much anyone who knows me can attest to that. The real challenge here will be tricking people into playing multiplayer with me. Though really, I’m not that great at StarFox where playing against me isn’t worth the trouble. Also the NES classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles showed up as a complete surprise to me. I must have logged a hojillion hours into that game in my youth and never gotten past that one really hard jump in level three. I downloaded it mostly out of nostalgia but also because I’ve made a promise to myself to finally beat it. That may, of course, be easier said than done, because the game is really flippin’ hard. April’s continued support means nothing!

To make matters worse, Guitar Hero 2 for the 360 lands in two days, and while I may have been able to resist the call otherwise, I cannot just turn away from the chance to play “Rock And Roll Hoochie Koo”. Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that me and the tall one bought an Xbox 360 last Monday. I’ve pretty much been playing Dead Rising, Gears of War and Hexic all week, but failed to even mention them even once. Oops. Making my bank account even less happy with me, Super Paper Mario is a requisite purchase for anyone with a Wii and common sense, and that happens on the 9th, or so my sticky note of important releases tells me. Thank God I still have a small wad of tax return money, or else there’s no way in Hell that even I could justify spending so much in such a small period of time. And I pretty much hate money, so that says a lot.

Euphorea

While it’s been fun arguing over consoles that have been obsolete for like ten years now (maybe next time we’ll go over which version of the Atari was the best), everything’s gotta come to a close eventually. Of course, like 97% of arguments, it was completely irrelevant because every point hinged entirely on opinion, and for the sake of this particular disagreement, opinions cannot be wrong, they can only conflict.

One little note before I go though, is something that always gets on my nerves. Just because a game has an E rating and blood isn’t a consequence of every possible action, doesn’t mean it’s for children. If it’s got Teletubbies on the cover, yeah, maybe it is, but for the most part, that E is an accurate representation that everyone should be able to enjoy the game. If you think you can’t enjoy a game because it’s colourful and not overly violent, then you have some growing up to do. Taking a perfectly random example, Kingdom Hearts was not only rated E and stuffed with cute and colourful characters, but it also carried nearly every Disney licence seen in the past 70-odd years. Yet if you actually play the game rather than blowing it off at the sight of Mickey Mouse, you’ll see that it would take someone who’s at the very least around fifteen years old to truly appreciate the game. Its sequel was even deeper, and most of the things that make it a truly fantastic game would be completely lost on children.

I don’t like to get riled up about silly things, but when people will deny the worth of something because it doesn’t feature anything that might spark some kind of controversy, it drives me bananas. In that way, I envy non-Americanized culture because they can appreciate things that aren’t drenched in violence. Don’t get me wrong, though. I loves me some violence (especially when zombies are involved), I just don’t believe it’s a requisite for quality.

All I need

The one thing I hate about myself is that when I’m arguing in text, I tend to start off well, but get far too wrapped up by the end. Because of that, my language tends to get much more harsh and insulting than it needs be or, more importantly, than I intended it to be. So anyone who’s reading this little N64 debate from the outside, just know that Mike and I are just messing around. At least I am.

So anyway, time to dissect Mike’s happy little PSX list.

  • Metal Gear Solid
    I didn’t count it because I never played it on the PSX. I played the ever-so-slightly superior PC version, which came with the VR Missions at bargain bin pricing
  • Final Fantasy Tactics
    No real argument. I love strategy games like this. Translation is absolute shit though. We’re talking Capcom-level translation here.
  • Crono Cross
    It was on my list. One of the few 32-bit era Squaresoft RPGs that I like.
  • Resident Evil
    I never played the original, so it didn’t make my list. It’s a good game, but the DS port and GC remake far outclass the original.
  • Resident Evil 2
    I said ported games don’t count, and this was on the N64, though the video was grainy as Hell. So if you count this, it’s on the N64 list as well.
  • Resident Evil 3
    Who could object?
  • Final Fantasy 7, 8, and 9
    Sure, they’re great for retards, but for people with good taste? Not so much. The only reason I listed 9 is because I liked the weapon/ability system and Chocobo’s treasure hunting.
  • Vagrant Story
    Never played it, but it’s a Squaresoft RPG, so I have very strong doubts about it.
  • Legend of Dragoon
    That one’s just outright crappy. And a chick game.
  • Silent Hill
    I feel bad that I forgot this one. I love Silent Hill with all my heart.
  • Harvest Moon: Back to Nature
    This is a very weaksauce effort as far as Harvest Moons go. 64 was a hojillion times better, and didn’t feature horrible time-devouring map design.
  • Tekken 3
    With the exceptions of Super Smash Bros/Melee and Soul Calibur 2, good 3D fighting games do not exist. It’s all about the sprites.
  • GTA/2
    While I do prefer the originals (and 3 to some extent) to the slop that are Vice City and San Andreas, I still don’t think the series deserves nearly as much praise as it gets.
  • Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater/2
    The music may have been cut short, but both THPS games were on the N64 as well, and just as playable. So chalk up two more points for the N64 as well if you’re going to include these ones.
  • Crash Bandicoot series
    The only Crash game I could really get behind was Crash Team Racing. The platformers’ appeal wore of after level 2.
  • Some Spyro games
    You’re kidding, right? Spyro sucked balls.

You know, based on the data collected in this little spat, I think I’ve pinpointed the exact reason me and Mike disagree so much. I think it might have something to do with brand loyalty (that one’s me, just so you know) and Sony’s brainwashing propaganda, but there seems to be a distinct game choice difference here. I like adventure games and spit upon most RPGs, while Mike would rather navigate menus than worlds. The one thing everyone can agree on though? Violence. Hooray violence! Bringing gamers together since probably like forever or something.

Don’t you ever leave

Because dropping the gloves with your buddies is fun now and then, especially when it’s arguing about video games over the internet like complete goofballs, I decided to find an official list of Nintendo 64 games that rock (also I have a lot of spare time). It doesn’t take rocket appliances to see that the N64 was a great console, so find one I did, and from the person with the best knowledge in the world about this kind of thing to boot (me). So without further ado, let’s get down to business. I even ordered the list alphabetically by developer and release order (again, lots of spare time). Multiplatform (between N64/PSX) games aren’t considered.

  • Turok: Dinosaur Hunter (Acclaim ’97)
  • Turok 2: Seeds of Evil (Acclaim ’98)
  • Snowboard kids (Atlus ’97)
  • Duke Nukem: Zero Hour (Eurocom ’99)
  • Super Smash Bros (HAL ’99)
  • Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards (HAL ’00)
  • Mario Party (Hudson ’99)
  • Paper Mario (Intelligent Systems ’01)
  • Star Wars: Rogue Squadron (LucasArts ’98)
  • Star Wars: Episode 1 Racer (LucasArts ’99)
  • Cruis’n USA (Midway ’96)
  • Cruis’n World (Midway ’98)
  • Harvest Moon 64 (Natsume ’99)
  • Super Mario 64 (Nintendo ’96)
  • Mario Kart 64 (Nintendo ’97)
  • Star Fox 64 (Nintendo ’97)
  • 1080 Snowboarding (Nintendo ’98)
  • F-Zero X (Nintendo ’98)
  • The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo ’98)
  • The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask (Nintendo ’00)
  • Beetle Adventure Racing (Paradigm ’99)
  • Ogre Battle 64: Person of Lordly Caliber (Quest ’00)
  • Blast Corps (Rare ’98)
  • Goldeneye 007 (Rare ’98)
  • Banjo-Kazooie (Rare ’98)
  • Jet Force Gemini (Rare ’99)
  • Donkey Kong 64 (Rare ’99)
  • Perfect Dark (Rare ’00)
  • Banjo-Tooie (Rare ’00)
  • Conker’s Bad Fur Day (Rare ’01)
  • Space Station Silicon Valley (Rockstar ’98)
  • Mischief Makers (Treasure ’97)
  • Winback: Covert Operations (W-Force ’99)

In the interest of fairness, here’s a list of Playstation games that were good enough for me to have spent more than an hour total playing (without regret). Though these are organized in no way. As with the above list, mulitplatform games don’t count.

  • MegaMan Legends 2
  • Final Fantasy 9
  • Parasite Eve
  • Parasite Eve 2
  • Crono Cross
  • Final Fantasy Tactics
  • Resident Evil 3

I think that should be evidence enough for anyone. And if not, then how can you explain why three of the top rated games ever (Numbers one, five, and six) are from the N64? Only one is from the Playstation, and it’s lame-tastic Tekken. In conclusion, saying the N64 was only good for a couple shooters and wrestling games is like saying the Eagles are only good for “Hotel California”, a statement which shows an astronomic amount of ignorance.

Workin’ on a mystery

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention or anything, but the TMNT games were released a few days ago. While eight different platforms were graced with the newest Turtles game and I own seven of them (all eight soon enough), I only picked up the Wii and DS versions. To secure my title as a true TMNT fanboy, I probably should have gotten all of them, but I don’t hate money that much. Anyway, short reviews…

The Wii version, which is probably identical to the PS2, PSP, 360, GC, and PC verions of the game, is pretty kickass. Ubisoft stole the rights to the game from Konami, and that alone fills me with hope (though to their credit, I did enjoy all the Konami produced Turtles games). Thankfully, Ubisoft took what they knew best and applied it directly to the TMNT video game. The game plays like a faster brother of the recent Prince of Persia games, which means it’s essentially sweet acrobatics interspersed with some fighting here and there. The game mostly takes place on rooftops and in alleyways and sewers, as the Turtles aren’t exactly the most welcome creatures in New York. Jumping around the city and running up and along walls feels great, and as a PoP vet, I caught on really quickly and kicked ass right from the start. Fighting is pretty simple and doesn’t occur overly often, which is okay, because just jamming around town is more than enough fun on its own. What I really like about the game are the levels where you can hotswap between all four brothers. Each turtle has his own acrobatic move, and swapping turtles on the fly to get past stuff feels awesome and has the potential to impress viewers. Team moves are also really neat, while kind of limited. Also, the game is a bit easy, because you just can’t die. The only real challenge is getting good ranks at the end of each level, which can be rough.

The DS version is the same, but completely different. It’s again all about jumping around wherever in the city, but rather than the regular one button jump and control pad to move around, you’ve got set jump points. See, you get a little free movement on wide rooftops or bridge beams or whatever, but most of the time, the jumps are semi-automatic. Your top three face buttons each make you jump in different directions, (Y is left, X is straight, A is right), and your job is to see where the next target markers are and hit the right button at the right time. It’s not a really difficult game, but learning to time jumps together and speed through levels without missing a step is entertaining enough in itself. There’s some fighting in this one too, but I won’t mince words: it’s crap. Luckily it doesn’t happen very often. Boss fights are terrible too, as you can just pin the boss against a wall and wail on it, and you’ve essentially won. While I do enjoy both games (particularly the Wii version), I think it’s safe to assume that they’re going to get bashed by critics. Some bullshit about “not being enough of a game” or some kind of crap like that. And you know, maybe they’re right, but this is essentially what I’m looking for in a game. The DS game is a completely original concept, and the Wii version is quite swanky with just enough challenge so that I have to try, but won’t get frustrated with it (ahem Sonic).

In the end though, neither game even compares to HOW AWESOME THE MOVIE WAS! HOLY CRAP! Yeah caps whatever. I’m just really excited. TMNT was everything I was hoping for and more. The human characters look a little wierd, as apparently in CG land, for every fat guy there are 700 anorexic people, but that’s a minor complaint. The one real complaint I have was that Karai and her foot ninja were not nearly central enough to the story. But that’s apparently not going to be a problem in the sequel, which they did not just leave a door open for, but rather explicitly hinted at. With new VAs for every character, Karai actually had a real asian accent, as opposed to the shitty fake one they gave her in the cartoon. Also awesome was that Patrck Stewart was in it. And Splinter’s trophy case at the end, that was a totally sweet nod to fans of the show. I could really go on forever, but you know, I think saying that it’s fickin’ awesome is enough. I was ready to go see it again right after I left the theater, but decided that I’d rather not, since I had run out of gift cards, and I just wasn’t ready to spend fourteen actual dollars.

In my heart you’ll never love again

I logged onto the Wii shop channel this morning in hopes that maybe Nintendo uploaded the weekly bunch of VC games early. That’s really the highlight of my Mondays, so I was really hoping to get some classic goodness before I had to head off to work. When I got into the shop though, something was decidedly wrong.

Looks as though for a little while, the Wii Shop just went all crazy bat shit. As you can see, all the graphics went nuts, and nothing was clickable. I don’t know if it just loaded improperly (when I tried again five minutes later, it was all fixed), or if Nintendo was updating it (hopefully to add a new console) and let the code get mucked up a bit along the way. Here’s hoping it’s the second one. Either way, today’s new games aren’t up yet. I’m actually hoping against anything good this week, because like I said yesterday, I’ve got quite a lot of comic to work on, so having StarFox 64 accessible to me would just screw that over completely.