Video Games – Page 104

Tiny-huge Hyrule

Firstly, I want you to read this review. It pretty much gets my point across. When you’re done with that, then you can move onto the rest of my stuff. It kinda fits together. You’ll see.

So, RE4 is Zelda good. Yep. But how good is Zelda? Duh. That’s a no-brainer. But for the sake of completeness and having proof, it’s time I reviewed the newest entry into the Legend of Zelda series. That’s right, it’s about time I shared my thoughts about The Legend of Zelda: the Minish Cap.

To start, the game is flawless. That means it has not even a single flaw. Some minor annoyances, but nothing big enough to be considered a flaw. Many people will disagree with what I’m saying, what with so many people focused so much on how many dungeons a game has, or how many hours it takes to finish. These people are dumb. These people are asses. these people are dumbasses. I’ll not lie, the Minish Cap has “only” six dungeons. This is not far off from the last two games; Majora’s Mask and the Wind Waker. The one thing that most people do not realize is that while the main quest may be “short”, there are more bonus kajiggers to find and questdoodles to complete than you could shake any type of long object at, be it a stick, a hockey stick, or a cardboard tube. But that is not my point, my point is that while the main adventure is (again with the quotation marks) “short”, the game is a simply amazing video game experience.

The Minish Cap is without a doubt one of the best GameBoy Advance games out there. You’ll be seeing this one on more than a few “Best games of 2005” lists. The most defining point is the fact that it’s an entirely new adventure. While we’ve seen a couple of new Zelda games in the last few years (the Wind Waker, Four Swords Adventures), Nintendo has been doing a lot of porting. Most of it was promotional material, but that’s not important. Only a new Super Mario Bros game would impress and shock us more. Aside from the story, there is plenty of new stuff in the Minish Cap. For one, Link isn’t really any hero of destiny in this one, he just kind of gets voted into it when he turns out to be the only able person in the room at the time. Heck, the game would star the King of Hyrule or his attendant if it weren’t for a convenient plot point. It’s not a huge point of interest, but it’s a neat little change. Aside from that, not one of the bosses have been seen in a previous game. Wait… One of the bosses was seen in a previous game (and the final boss, but he was… different… in that one, so it doesn’t count). The dungeons are excellently designed, with some puzzles that can leave you scratching your head for quite some time. There are no less than three new tools for Link to acquire, and plenty of other great new additions.

But of course, the game also has it’s share of classic influence. Most notable, it uses the great GB Zelda control scheme of equipping one weapon to the A button and another to the B button. Sadly, a couple of the cool hidden weapon combos from Link’s Awakening are missing, namely the bomb arrows. A lot of the sub-characters come from the range of past Zelda games. Sadly, the old man from the first game is still missing. Plenty of Link’s Awakening’s enemies make their fantastic returns, such as Bob-ombs and those face-plated guys. You know, the ones where you had to remove the armor with the hookshot. Plus, I’m pretty sure that a lot of the sound effects come straight from Link’s Awakening. That’s my favorite Zelda game of all time, for those who didn’t know. A lot of Wind Waker influence is presented in terms of visuals, and the Palace of Winds level will make many people think back to Four Sowrds Adventures, had they played the game. Oh yes, and it also just happens to be a prequel to the established Four Swords storyline. Possibly the best part is that the Ocarina has gone back to it’s original use as transportation and transporation alone. I hated having musical instruments as key items.

So what’s this all about the game being small and such? Well, the first thing you’ll notice is that the map is deceptively tiny. This will throw you off, as the world map is a decent size, though notably smaller than those of past Zelda games. But, while it doesn’t have an entire alternate map, there is plenty of exploration opportuninty, with winding paths everywhere and many spots accessibl only to a tiny Link. The square mileage may be less, but its more crammed with stuff than you might assume. And yes, the dungeon count is six. Four main dungeons, one “red herring” dungeon, and the final castle. They’re certainly large places, and each has it’s own unique ways of tripping you up, be it inconspicuous bombable walls or mine cart mazes.

Is it hard? In a word: maybe. It’s like the every Zelda and Metroid game. If you look for all the optional/hidden power-ups, it’s gonna be a bit easier. If you try to make it through without picking up any heart containers, you’re probably gonna have a hard freaking time. Me, as good as I may be, I get hit a lot. I’m prone to tkaing damage. that’s why I take longer to get accustomed to games where life refills are few and far between. But that’s not to say that the enemies win only to my incompetence. Plenty of them, like the Tektites and Ropes, move rather sporadically and are at times difficult to dodge. Such is the way of a game presented in two dimensions. the bosses start off pretty easy, but soon escalate to the point where you might actually get frustrated. The real key to winning in this game is to know which item to use on what. Almost every enemy has a weakness to one of Link’s various tools, and you just have to figure that out. Some people would never even think to use the shield to reflect boulders back at an enemy, or to stun a particularly nimble foe with the boomerang.

Possibly the thing I like most about the Minish Cap is the level on which you interact with all the characters you meet along the way. Almost every single peson in the game plays some sort of role. For the most part, they just hold kinstones, a new sub-quest dealie where you collect halves of stone coins, and then must find the peson with the other half. Fusing the kinstones will usually yield something of value, be it a secret path or a treasure chest stuffeed with rupees. Sometimes it even gives life to extremely durable golden enemies. There are 100 fusions in total, and a lot of them are randomly generated. Also, the people are really animated. The one I first noticed was a girl at the cafe, who when talked to spun around on her stool and gave her hair a mighty flip. I immediately crapped my pants and was floored. I’ve never seen such a minor character animated so intricately and smoothly. Oh yes, and the town is easily the greatest Zelda town ever. It feels so alive. It’s huge, contains tons of people to speak with, is extremely complex and packed with secrets, and changes ever so slightly over the course of the game. A Link to the Past intoduced the cucco. With Ocarina of Time came dogs. And now there are even cats and cucco chicks prowling the streets. All of which you can talk to while tiny. Except the room full of chicks. They just all come after you in a horrid flurry of down and talons.

The music is another portion of the game which is beyond exceptional. It borrows some music, but is also ripe with many of its own original tracks. Me, I was offended by the complete lack of the Zelda theme in Ocarina of Time. Majora’s Mask remedied the situation a little, and then the Wind Waker (while it’s original stuff is way above par) went back and almost completely forgot it. I love the piece, and the Minish Cap has no such lack of it. Most sections of the world map have either it or a variation playing (the Cloud Tops area mix is ineffably good), and there is no way that a GBA speaker could do the beautiful tunes in this game justice. Even the DS speakers don’t do the job perfectly. This is one of those games where you need headphones to get the true value out of the music. Oh yes, and there’s an excellent, excellent Castle remix for the last level. Ever since listening the “Trifore Majeure” song featured on OC Remix, that’s been one of my favortie Zelda tunes. Sadly, no palace music from Zelda 2. I really like that one too. But it’s top notch stuff people.

Like I said at the beginning, I adore the game, and if you like Zelda at all, you will too. It’s possibly the best GBA title to date (by production values anyway), and is a good sign that the Nintnedo and Capcom make excellent partners. Woo Capcom. It would be out of place, but I wouldn’t mind seeing maybe a MegaMan reference, or at least a Street Fighter reference in the next one. but, I’ve been working on this review for over an hour now, so it’s way past time to wrap it up. Minish Cap = excellent. You buy now. If you not buy, and you own GBA, you fool. Damned fool. Fool who clearly can’t appreciate the best things in life. If I were a guest in Rollercoaster Tycoon, I’d say it’s of excellent value. The only thing that scares me is that my youngest brother bought it as well, and is doing almost as well as I am, and I haven’t helped him at all. He’s getting too good. At this pace, it’ll be only a year or two before he’s better than me, and I don’t know if I’mma be able to deal with that.

Oh yeah, and on a side note, there’s a new Steve artice/rant thing. Like most of them, I agree, but with exceptions. no direclt link for youse guys this time. I’m too damned lazy to figure out the URL.

From the desk of Funk Master R. Valentine

There are tons of fun little tests and things to do on the internet, like quizzes to see how you rate in certain areas, “what [series] character are you?” tests, and plenty of different kinds of funny name generators. The Ninja Name generator at Ninja Burger for instance. The latest one I’ve come across is at Playerappreciate.com. If you’re just reading and not clicking links as you go or didn’t bother to look at the picture, it’s a pimp name generator. My pimp name, it’s pretty sweet. I should probably go by it from now on. It’s a little long, but meh. Oh, and if you try it out, you can keep clicking for different names if you don’t like the first one you get. This was the first one I got, but I kept clicking, and the rest were kinda weak.

So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time over at the Mists of Avalon Online message boards. It’s run by a friend of a friend, who just happened to have a mention once before on the site, sometime back in early November. It’s a much more populated forum (about 40 members), and it’s much more lively than my own. And by that, I mean there is activity there. So yes, I’ve been whiling away some time over there, and if you don’t already know of it, I suggest you check it out. Especially for my great views on things such as video games, literature and abortion. Go! sign up! I need more people to form a sort of forum posse.

Okay, third paragraph, video game time. Resident Evil 4 has been challenging the limits of my patience, with some tough areas and annoying as hell fish. Not that they’re attacking me or anything, but you can kill fish and take them as food. Currently, the only populated body of water is the lake, and I have to kill them with harpoons, and well, you take it from there. It’s interesting that the game progresses in chapters, unlike the other games. I guess it’s just a way to gauge how well you’re doing rank-wise, because they show you your accuracy, kills and deaths at each between-chapter save point. I’m on chapter three now, and I’ve fought two great bosses; one really easy, and one slightly tough (killed me five times). Now it’s nighttime, and the evil people are getting more numerous, and evil wolves have started appearing too. They are really hard. I’m not going to ruin the plot, but as far as I can tell at this point, the enemy is aliens. It only makes sense. That or it’s an underground Umbrella splinter faction that’s using a new type of virus thing. I haven’t a clue, but now the president’s daughter is following me around everywhere, and the villagers keep trying to steal her. Oh yes, and now they throw pitchforks as well. It’s getting really hard, and I’m lovin’ every minute of it. Whoo Loverboy.

Doom 3 doesn’t work so well on my PC. It runs, but when it loads rooms, it starts slowing down rather harshly. But at least it’s a good enough game to see past the occasional slowdown. While there isn’t any action in like the first 20 minutes, there are so many cool little things to see and do, it’s mind-blowing. Then again, I already knew that. I played it once before, but never bothered to mention. Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude didn’t go over so well. First of all, it was in Spanish, a language in which I have not been schooled, and it bugged out right after the opening scenes. Those scenes were rather interesting though, as the graphics were pretty sweet, and the background music was Motley Crue’s “Girls Girls Girls”. I’ve been looking for an English version torrent, but haven’t had any luck so far. Please, internet, don’t make me buy this game. I know it won’t be worth paying money for, but I still want to try it out.

Finally, I have to start getting pissed at Capcom right now. In both Rockman.EXE 4 and Rockman Zero 3, thre were E-Reader features. I searched for and bought an E-Reader specifically for these games. But in the North American versions, those features were gone. I as, as they say, was cheezed. But not so badly, as they didn’t really do anything spectacular. BUT – Rockman.EXE 5 also has E-Reader support. it will probably be removed from the NA version again, and this is where they’ve gone too far. One of the coolest features in the game, dubbed “Forte Cross Rockman”, is only attainable by E-card. It’s not important to the game, but Forte is awesome, and a Soul Unison (stop me if I’ve lost you) with him is like the ultimate dream of EXE fanpeoples. Not to mention, it’s better than a regular Soul Unison, because it doesn’t up and go away after three turns. So yes, urge to kill rising and such. They had better leave that E-Reader crap in there this time, and possibly include the card in the game box so I don’t have to buy a kajillion packs looking for the damn thing. All that, and they’ve delayed the release of the GBA MegaMan Anniversary Collection again. Capcom, you’re really cutting it close these days. Funk Master R. Valentine isn’t going to take this much longer.

A hero in his own mind

I’ve noticed that in the last few days, I’ve come around a lot of important subjects that I need to cover, but I couldn’t possibly type up everything in one monstrous post. Oh no, that wouldn’t do at all. So I guess the best way to do this is to tell you to expect January and possibly early February to be chock-full of posts. I’ve already made quite a few for this month, and I’ve still got a lot left unmentioned. So firstly for today, I’ve got great news. I’m now the unofficial Tim Horton’s computer tech. Whenever the staff PC goes nuts or comes across a common error that nobody else knows how to fix (they’re all pretty computer illiterate), they call me. Everyone is just so freaking amazed at “how good” I am with computers. And to think that I’m only really a novice when it comes to these things. But in any case, I plan to make some problems for the thing, so that I can seem like more of a hero when they can’t get it working properly. I get a lot of praise for this, so I’m kinda wondering if being a nerd is such a bad thing.

I was perusing the usual web comics the other day when Scott Kurtz of PVP mentioned this little baby. The Mac Mini has blown my mind. It’s a complete Macintosh computer in a box not much bigger than a multi-CD case. And it goes for as low as $499? If I hadn’t just spent slightly over $500 on my new PC parts, that would so be on my to-get list. Make no mistake, I still want it, but I just don’t have that kind of cash to blow. And as Windows-free as Macs are, I can’t think of a practical use for it. All my games are PC version (obviously) and I’m not buying them all again. Sure, it would work fine for everything except games, but that’s my second main computer use, next to this website. I want it, but I don’t need it. So cool…

On the video game front, I got Metal Slug Advance a short while before Christmas (think two days before), and I’m happy to say it rocks like no Metal Slug before it. Mostly because you get a fighting chance. In this one, instead of a set number of lives, you get a life bar, and it’s replenishable. Also, you can save your progress in the game. There are only five main missions, but there are apparently a bunch of secret areas too (none of which I have found). You can collect permanent power-ups as well, like a flak jacket that reduces damage by 10%, and a knife that can attack enemy tanks. While all of these little changes sound like they’d make the game easier, well, they don’t really. The difficulty level is way up, slightly past Metal Slug’s usual difficulty standard. Plus, most of the really useful power-ups are in the later levels and are well hidden to boot. The only, and I mean only, real downside to the game is that there is no multiplayer whatsoever. It kinda solidifies the story, but it would still be nice to have. Either way, it’s a great game, and is not to be missed if you love Metal Slug (and who doesn’t??).

In other news, Resident Evil 4 is still kicking, and I, uh, legally obtained (yes, that’s it…) Doom 3 and Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude. Expect impressions sometime soon. I’m trying to buckle down and get my Christmas article (which I have re-decided to just keep as one big clump, rather than several smaller articles) done, but I lost a few of the pics in the latest family PC crash. Oh, they’re safe and sound on my extra hard drive, but I’m too damn lazy to rip open my PC and stuff it in there. So as soon as I get the will to do that, it’ll be up. Hopefully before February rolls around. Another article is also nearing half-completion, but those pics were lost as well. It’s sad that Windows is so freaking unstable. So yes, much for the future! Expect new comics sometime soon as well! The next one is a little less in-joke I believe, so all can enjoy!

It’s beer! Hooray beer!

While I’m not a huge beer drinker, I still feel the absolute need to direct you to the site for Red Sripe beer. The commercials, PSAs, and radio spots on the site are just hilarious. If you only follow one link from my site this year, make it this one. I know it’s early to say that, but these are just plain great. They’ve almost gotten me to the point where I want to try this beer, if only to become beautiful.

The next order of business is the latest kickass Zelda remix. (Actually, it’s been out there for a few months, but anyway…) But, this time it does not come from OC Remix. Strange, no? This one is found on VG Mix. It’s called “Blood of Ganon”, and is a truly awesome hardcore Zelda medley containing music from the Legend of Zelda, Zelda 2, and A Link to the Past. Great stuff. Direct link, for those of you too lazy or stupid to navigate the site yourselves.

Remember when I said I was downloading a bunch of games? Well, they finished, and sadly, my computer was running in f’d-up mode at the time, and most of the files became corrupt. In an ironic twist of fate, the only one that ended up working was GTA3.

Ah yes, and I bought Resident Evil 4 today. The game kicks ass like none before it. It’s tons of frantic fun, as the enemies are really adept at killing you. You see, they can climb in windows, climb up ladders to higher windows, break down doors, throw molotov cocktails and axes (which you can explode/reflect with a fluke shot), and run at you like there’s no tomorrow. I’m not very far, but the game has already taken a few cool plot twists, and I’m totally impressed by everything. The new gameplay style is great, though precision aiming is a little hard at first. Graphics are possibly the best I’ve ever seen, and the voice acting turned out rather well. Ooh, and there is shootable livestock. I saw a chicken for the first time and said to my brother “I’m so gonna shoot that chicken”. And then I saw the cows. It’s just a superb game on every level, and I think I’ll have to go a little more in-depth with the reviewing once I finish it. A testament to the greatness of Capcom and the Gamecube, this is surely not a title to be missed.

The Ten Greatest Games of 2004

It’s been a pretty good year for video games, especially for sequels. Games have gotten longer, harder, more prettier, and more innovative. At least that’s what I’ve been seeing. Many people tend to disagree with me about stuff and junk, but that’s not too important, because it’s time for Ryan’s opinion to shine! Yes, I’ve painstakingly picked out the ten games which came out this past year which have stood out the most. These games are the cream of my crop, the ones that make me happy to be an overobsessive gamer.

It took me a long time to think out the list, and there are a-plenty that didn’t make the cut, even though they so deserved such recognition. And even worse was putting them in order. When you want to rank something you love for nostalgia’s sake higher than a more deserving of the spot, it’s hard to make the call, but I did my best to put aside my obvious Nintendo bias and come up with a well-rounded list for all to gawk at.

There were some rules to abide by though. For one, I would not put a game on the list which I haven’t played. That was an obvious one, and narrowed down the list. Unfortunately, it also probably woudl ahve changed had I not gotten a job and been able to play a wider range of games. The second rule is that remakes could not be included. This caused Super Mario 64 DS, Final Fantasy: Dawn of Souls, and a couple other great ones to be cast aside, but it’s more fair that way (as they would have taken the top spots with no questions asked).So I guess now that I’ve made my objective and means of achieveing it clear, it’s about time I got down to business.

~ #10 ~
Kingdom Hearts : Chain of Memories

Our first entry just barely made it onto the list, as I played it just one day prior to writing this. Not to mention that it was only released just before Christmas. And seeing as how I’ve played very, very little of the game, it’s clear that it rightfully deserves to be on the list.

While I learned to enjoy the original Kingdom Hearts after playing it a couple times, I still haven’t gotten a chance to really get into it. So I figured since I liked it, why not check out the GBA sequel? My brother bought it, and after less than half an hour with it, I knew it was a keeper. The opening video alone is enough to sway anyone who has insecurities about the crad battle system. It’s simply amazing what Square-Enix was able to do with the so-called “primitive” GBA technology. And the battle system isn’t nearly as bad as the cards it’s bulit on might imply. It’s still a totally active battle system, just with cards in place of attacking moves. You can still run, jump, and roll as normal, of course.

And then there’s the plot. Basically, it takes place right after the first game (so I was lost, I never saw the ending to the first), and Sora is trapped alone in Castle Oblivion, where gain is loss, and loss is gain. It’s all very confusing at first, but after the cloaked stranger who greets you as you step into the castle explains everything, it makes a little more sense. How the game progresses is interesting too. Every door in the castle leads to a part of Sora’s memories, and each door is unlocked by using cards won in fights. Depending on which card you use, the area beyond will be different, and different numbers of Heartless will popluate that area. This is reminiscent of the world-building features of Legend of Mana and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, only much more in-depth.

Overall, it’s a first for the world of gaming, in that it makes very good use of an active card battle system, where many have failed before. Highly recommended, as will be all of the games on this list.

~ #9 ~
Mario Party 6

Another close call for thie list, as I only got to play it once before now, but boy did it leave an impression. Mario Party 5 is easily the greatest party game ever, with my two all-time favorite mini-games: Pushy Penguins and Fish Upon a Star. But Mario Party 6 also has plenty of it’s own charms. Sadly, I haven’t been able to explore all the features of the game, nor have I seen even half of the mini-games, but there is one key factor in why I put this one on the list: The Microphone.

Karaoke Revolution was probably the first game in a long time to use a mic (but that might change with the DS), but that was probably passed by the wayside, as I never heard anything about it after it was announced. But Mario Party 6 takes the mic and implements it in a great number of ways, and without overusing the thing, might I add. There are about five or so regular mini-games where you use the mic, and they pop up randomly when in Party Mode. All are 3-on-1, obviously, as you only get one mic. One game has you driving a huge war machine and shouting commands like “fire” and “bombs” in hopes of defeating your rivals, while another makes you shout at a herd of goombas to help them escape the wrath of your enemies. Since it’s not overused, it’s always great fun when a mic game pops up.

Aside from those, there is also a dedicated Mic Mode, where everythign aside from game setup is controlled by the microphone. One game is a parody of Jeopardy!, only with more Mario Party-esqe challenges like guessing the identity of a distorted silhouette or remembering how many goombas went by in a stampede of monsters. With 3 or four players, this is an excellent game, and even better since another player can ring in to pick up some rebound points if somebody gets their question wrong. Another game is a race to the finish, where you have to shout at your character to run, move upwards and downwards, jump, and several other things. Unfortunatley, this one is only one-player, and is a bit lackluster for anytone who might be stuck watching. There is a third Mic Mode game, but I damn well can’t remember it.

Mario Party 6 surely topples the first four, but it’s stillto be seen whether it’s got the right stuff to best old number five. In either case, it’s still an excellent party game. Just make sure you bring at least one other person to play with. As fun as they are, Mario Parties, like any other parties, get stale if you’re the only one attending.

~ #8 ~
Mario VS. Donkey Kong

Ah, memories come flooding in of good old Donkey Kong ’94, easily one of the greatest original Game Boy games ever. And with a scarce number of original Mario games being released these days, it’s nice to get a refreshing taste of something that isn’t quite a Mario game, but could qualify in a pinch.

It seems that Donkey Kong has had enough scrounging various island for bananas and has gone back to stealing things from Mario and climbing tall buildings. Just like it used to be. Only this time, he’s not kidnapped Mario’s girlfriend, but every one of his cute little Mini-Mario toys. Mario, being the money-grubbing businessman he is, decides not to just make a new batch, but goes after the big ape in an effort to save the precious toys. It’s back to the good old days of hopping platforms and climbing ropes and vines that we so miss.

Now if you’ve played Donkey Kong ’94 (which you really should have – it’s not one to be missed), you know that the objective is to find a key on each level and bring it to the door to progress. But wait. Ther’s more this time around. After you’ve found the key, you get taken to the second part of the stage, where you’ve gotta rescue one of the Mini-Marios. A challenge worthy of a plumber/toymaker/doctor/racer/etc? Yes indeedy. After 6 levels of this key and Mini-Mario collecting, you move onto a new type of level, where you must guide the little guys to the safety of the nearest toybox. These levels are usually very complicated and often involve many enemies and switch platforms. And getting all the Mini-Marios to the box is worth the effort, as for each one you save, you get one hit point for the next level – the boss fight wiht Donkey Kong himself.

The boss fights are pretty basic. You pick up and throw things at DK, and whoever loses all their hit points first is the loser. It get harder later on, when you’re forced to navigate lasers or block flying objects whilst attempting to smack the big ape upside the head with a barrel. After six worlds of this, you’re rewarded with… Hard mode. Finish those six worlds, and then you’re done. Maybe.

A secondary challenge for expert players (and I mean it, these are damn hard) is a score attack option. Each level has a set high-score, and beating that score will net you a star. The objective is mostly to move as fast as you can on the normal and Mini-Mario levels, and not to get hit on the DK battles. It doesn’t sound too hard, but once you get to World 3 or so, you’ll realize just why I noted that this challenge is for experts only. This provides a huge leap in difficulty from simply surviving until the last level, and is probably one of those thigns you’ll never want to have to do again after you’ve completed it. But you probably will, because it’s just so damn enjoyable.

~ #7 ~
The Sims 2

I honestly didn’t think I would ever own The Sims 2. That was until I played it, and I got a new computer capable of running it (perfectly, might I add). The original Sims was great at first, but gradually got boring, because there wasn’t much more to do than keep your sims alive. Somehow, though, they managed to do it. Maxis figured out a way to make me fall in love wiht the sims all over again. And this time, I don’t think it’ll just be another fling. This time, it’s serious.

Like I said, in the original game, your only other real goal besides keeping the little guys alive was to get them to the highest job level. Which was nearly impossible. Unless you could stop time, becasue those damned skills took so long to build after level 3. But in The Sims 2, there are plenty of side objectives and “mini-gmaes”, like gettign your children into private school, and the whole Wants anf Fears deal. And let’s not forget aging and genetics. That opens up whole new worlds for sim breeding. Unfortunately, the developers had the humanity to stop us from letting them inbreed. It sucks, cause now I can’t get the super golden sim which can travel to all points on the world map. (FF7 joke, people)

So what is this about Wants and Fears, you ask? Well I suppose I could take some time out of my busy schedule to clue you in a bit. You see, each sim has an ambition. Be it an ambition for riches, knowledge, love, or just to grow up, every sim has one, and it affects which things the sim wants in life. For example, my sim has a “faimly” ambition. Therefore, his Wants will be along the lines of “have first kiss” “get married” “have baby” and “play with sibling”. His Fears on the other hand would be things like a death in the family, or being rejected for a marriage proposal. Each ambition has it’s own set of Wants and Fears, and set point values for each. So when a sim completes one of his greatest Wants, his ambition meter with go through the roof. And when it gets full enough, he would receive the fabled Platinum Mood, in which he’s happy all the time. So really, you don’t have to take care of your sims’ needs in this game, you just have to fulfill their wants.

Finally, the sim editor in this game is waaaaaay better. I probably didn’t use enough a’s to get across the true greatness of it. Rather than simply selecting a head and body for your sim, you can customize every tiny detail of their heads. If you’re really good, you could proabbly make one that looks exactly like you. You can also choose outfits for several different occasions, what makeup they wear, how much stubble they have, and you even get to set up the preliminary family tree when you create a family. Me, I love character editors, and that alone will last me ages. So have to say, if you still enjoy The Sims, don’t get The Sims 2, becasue it’ll probably be the death of you. However, if you’re looking for a deeper sims experience, this will be right up your alley. As long as your PC can take it. Fortunately, by today’s standards, it doesn’t require that much.

~ #6 ~
Viewtiful Joe 2

Easily my favorite new(er) series, Veiwtiful Joe has a hell of a lot going for him. First of all, it’s undeniable that the game is packed with style. From Joe himself, who goes to unearthly lenghts to impress his audiences, to the game itself, with it’s over-the-top movie motif and beautiful cel-shded graphics, Viewtiful Joe 2 takes the bar which the first game set, and raises it right to the top (or bottom, if this happens to be a limbo competition). It was hard for me not to put this closer to the top, but as great as it is, the others certainly show that they deserve their spots.

The biggest addition to the game is the whole new level of gameplay: the addition of Joe’s girlfriend, Silvia, to the mix. The brings along an entirely new way to play with her twin guns and exclusive VFX power, Replay (which kicks serious ass). You can interchange between the two heroes at any time, and they can even team up for several different super attacks. The blissful 2D beat-’em-up gameplay from the first returns with few changes, but as they say, don’t fix what ain’t broke. Me, I love simple games like this that you can blaze through in a couple days more than long drawn-out adventures, simply because these ones turn out to have the greatest fun potential, enabling you to play through over and over. And let’s not forget the various dificulty levels to fight your way through, plus the new challenge mode entitled “The 36 Chambers”, which are unlocked as you complete certain criteria in the main game. All of this, of course, is governed by the inhuman difficuulty level that makes Viewtiful Joe the first name to pop into your head when someone asks about a hard game.

But the gameplay is certainly not the only thing the game has going for it. Sounds a little weird saying that, but whatever. Remember how The Wind Waker was a pleasantly funny? Viewtiful Joe 2 is positively priceless. The first game had it’s one-liners for sure, but 2 takes the foundation it built and will have you rolling on the ground at least every second cutscene. For example, when you start level one, Joe notices Silvia has new clothes, and she respons that you can do whatever you want in Movie World andf that Joe should give it a try. The resulting scene is possibly the most intentionally hilarious moment in video gaming ever. Of course, the fun doesn’t end there.

The bosses deserve their own damn paragraph, since they’re such a prominent part of the game. Not only do they pose a huge challenge to players, but their characters are easily worth mention, just like in the first game. The first boss, Big John, is an over-chibied T-Rex that keeps coming back throughout the story in different costumes claiming to be a different character each time. Flinty Stone, the huge stone idol boss, has one of the most amusing cutscene dialogues with the heroes ever, and the final boss (whos identity is obvious after the intro cutscene) is rather cool. Plus once you’ve beaten him, you realize that he’s actually quite a good guy, just taking the wrong route to his goals. Probably a few more spoilers there than you’d care for, but it’s all pretty predicatable. Capcom’s never exactly been one to forge a tale of wonder and surprise.

Duh. I love the game. You’d probably love the game if you had any taste. It excels in every area the first one did, and adds some excellent things (like a stage select), while giving up a few (no hidden characters…). But everythign levels out, as the extra characters didn’t add that much to the first game. I just wish they’d give us the good quality version of the “Viewtiful World” music video. The warehouse version is good and all, but I like colour.

~ #5 ~
MegaMan Zero 3

I’ll start by saying that the Zero series is probably the best of all the assorted MegaMan series. It takes the standard X formula, makes it a little faster paced and more difficult, and then tacks on Zero as the main hero. Not to mention that it’s got a semi-coherent story, unlike that of the later X games (everything worked up until X4, then it went to hell). The first game was an excellent starting point. It had a reasonable difficulty level, and was a ton of fun. I must’ve played through it at least seven or eight times. The second, however, took the difficulty curve and made it steeper than some kind of really steep thing. The first level is acceptable, but after that, the holes, the spikes, the bosses. It was all way too hard. I did manage to finish it after a good year though. And enjoyably enough, MegaMan Zero 3 finds the perfect niche between the first two games and is just what the doctor ordered. Hopefully the fourth (which is now confirmed) will keep up the good name of Zero.

The reason the first games were hard was simply that getting the best things and special abilities required you to go through the entire games without using any Cyber Elves (which have various effects like restoring life and eliminating some traps) or getting killed, and you had to do it fast too. All this becasue you had to keep a steady A or S rank to achieve all the secrets. But Zero 3 saves you a little trouble. Whereas the first two deducted rank points for any Cyber Elf use, 3 lets you equip any two Satellite type (non-perishable) elves you like without any penalty. However, Fusion type (one use) elves still incur point loss. So you could, say, increase your life bar to give yourself a foothold and a better chance of surviving with a good rank. The levels are still unforgiving as ever, but the bosses are slightly toned down to a point where you stand a chance even if you don’t possess their weakness.

And of course, with every sequel comes new features! This one brings about a chip collecting feature, which provide you with character/story information, Cyber Elves, and sometimes even upgrade chips. You see, Zero can equip various chips to his head, body and feet to give him special abilities. Some of these abilities include being able to jump on water infinitely, reduced wall-sliding speed, quick weapon charging, or life regeneration. Body chips hold the elemental properties of the Element Chips of games of old, and also some other, somewhat less important properties. It goes without saying that you can only equip one of each chip at a time, but if you manage to find a secret boss and defeat him, you can acquire an Ultimate Foot chip, which is ovbiously an all-in-one deal.

It should also be noted that the first two Zero games, while excellent in gameplay, had a terrible narrative. The story wasn’t so bad, as it did make an unexpected amount of sense, but the translation job was atrocious. Capcom is pretty notorious for this kind of thing, so it’s more excusable than if a more illustrious company such as Nintendo has pulled something like this. Zero 3, on the other hand, is rather clean. Spelling errors are minimal at most, and everything makes sense, whereas in the other two games a lot fo the time you had no idea what the characters were trying to say. All this, and at the end, there’s a really neat plot twist, and a very cool final boss battle.

Without a doubt the greatest of the Zero games, MegaMan Zero 3 satisfied my cravings for a game featuring Zero that ahd a reasonable difficulty level. Worth picking up if you like any of the older MegaMan games, but yearn for a little more speed and intensity.

~ #4 ~
Feel the Magic XY/XX

The only Nintendo DS game on the list, and at such a high placement to boot. Feel the Magic XY/XX is what I feel to be the most original game ever to be made. Okay, maybe second to WarioWare, but other than that, most original ever. And the fact that Sega is behind it is the icing on the cake. You know just by that fact that it’s bound to be bizarre and a ton of fun. And boy, that certanily couldn’t be more true.

Sega obviously had one hell of a time playing with all the DS’ features and doodads. Those being the dual screens, the touch screen, and the microphone. Feel the Magic runs in the same vein as Wario Ware: Mega Microgame$, but changes the idea just enough so that it’s not just a blatant wannabe. While Wario’s games were super-simple and lasted about 5 seconds at most, Sega has created much deeper games (sort of), which can take quite some time. Some, like Parachute are simple and change lenght depending on which level you’re on. Others, particularly the boss games, are very drawn out, have several stages, and can take at least a minute or two to complete.

Every bit of the DS’ functionality is pushed to the max in this game. Everything but the wireless linking gizmo. There is no multiplayer, but it’s not such a huge loss, as the single player game is more than entertaining enough to captivate you for a while and keep you coming back for more. The touch screen is the only thing you use to control the game, aside from the start button, which is used only for pausing. Some games require tapping, others need you to drag the stylus along a precise line, and others yet will have you use it to colour in various shapes while avoiding falling people. And then a few of them use the built-in microphone. One game, for example, forces you to yell at the thing to get a girl’s attention due to a marching band that separates the two of you. Another places you on a yacht, and you have to blow into the mic to fill the sail and float over the shark-infested waters.

It’s a great game, even though it is a bit short. the high difficulty level should offset that. Sadly, there is a rather imposing problem with the game. You see, a lot of games require a precise hand, and this makes it so that it’s not totally accessible to everyone. While anyone can master a simple controller, pushing a pen across a screen in an almost perfectly straight line in a short amount of time isn’t exactly an easy task. And then another game requires you to move the stylus back and forth in a rather violent fashion, for about a minute or so straight. It’s a terrible strain on the wrist, but at least it’s only in one game. Despite the couple unsavory games, it’s a great game with plenty of features. Stay tuned for a full review as part of this year’s Christmas extravaganza.

~ #3 ~
Pikmin 2

Good old Pikmin 2. I loved the original back in it’s day, and since the sequel had so much more to offer, I figured that I’d just give myself the green light and pick it up right away. Ryan: 1. Conservativeness: 0. It was so damn worth my moneys that I can’t explain it in words. Pikmin is such an addictive game that I still feel bad for mot buying the first one, even thoguht it’s at a nicely discounted price now. In any case, time for some reviewing!

The first thing you’ll notice when playing is that you control not only Olimar, but his partner Louie as well. This gives you some neat multitasking abilities, but would be much more efficient if you didn’t have to watch your Pikmin like infants. The babysitting factor really holds back the true potential of having two captains. If the currently uncontrolled captain would defend your horde automatically rather than sit and wait for you to do something. But in any case, there is a better addition: the two new Pikmin types! Though you can only get them by sacrificing some of your other Pikmin, they are very useful for solving many of the intricate puzzles that the brains of Nintendo have set forth. The White Pikmin have super speed and can detect buried treasures, as well as poison any foolish enemy who makes the mistake of eating one. The Purple Pikmin, though, are terribly slow, but can stun enemies when thrown, and are ten times as strong as your average Pikmin.

New to the game is an absence of a time limit. You can fool around for as long as you like and never have to worry about your days running out. The day timer is still there though, so you still have to make sure to round up all your Pikmin before sundown, lest they be stuck on the surface and be eaten by the night prowlers. As another way to extend your treasure hunt, Nintendo has added in a bunch of huge dungeons. There are four maps to explore, and each is home to somewhere between three to six dungeons. And these caves are just full of great goodies to collect. The items you pick up are also of minor interest, including things like bottlecaps, boot wax, fruit, and even a ROB (Robotic Operating Buddy. Old schoolers know the score) head and blocks. Plus, there’s this really freaky baby head that blinks as your Pikmin haul it back to the ship.

The enemies in Pikmin were pretty ferocious, but the new ones can strike fear into the hearts of even the most well-traveled gamers. There’s this one bug that fires off rocks, but not just normal rocks. Oh no. They’re homing rocks. And another, my sworn rival, is this fish-tank thing that is totally invulnerable from the front and shoots bombs that usually just scatter Pikmin, but will end up killing them when you really need them to survive. And on top of that, he’s usually perched on some godforsaken spire that only Yellows can get to the top of, and surrounded by other enemies, effectively creating an almost impassable war zone.

But clearly, the high point of the game is multiplayer. You can only go two-player in Challenge and Battle Mode, but it’s still great fun. Besides, you’ll usually need two people to get perfect on the challenges. I just wish I had a clone of me to play with, or at least have one of my brothers get good at the game so that I could have an effective partner. Currently, they just wind up killing more Pikmin than they save. Oh well.

~ #2 ~
Metroid Prime 2 : Echoes

You knew it would be here somewhere, right? Like I would let a game this great just slip through the cracks of my “best games” list. But it’s not at number one? Well, there’s a big surprise lurking down there, at least for those of you who didn’t scroll down and skip all the words, just so that you knew what games I chose. Anywho, Metroid Prime 2 = the shit. Prime was excellent, but it did have a few failings, particularly the stupid X-Ray and Thermal visors. I never liked those, as the power-ups they could locate were few and far between, and without a guide, you’d have to check every damn wall in the game to find the secret stuff. It was tedious and not fun. That’s why I never earned 100%. But Echoes, now there’s an almost perfect package.

First off, the story. Other than the newer ones, Metroid has always been light on story, heavy on gory, as a certain mutant turtle might say. But Echoes goes way beyond what even Prime put forth. Granted, Prime’s storyline was optional, as it was all in scanned objects, but it was still rather simple. Whereas in Echoes, there are tons of cutscenes, and even direct interaction between Samus and another character. While it’s not actually dialogue, as Samus is one of those silent heroine types, it’s still mostly unseen in the Metroid series. Tycho of Penny Arcade put it perfectly when he said “How Retro manages to make Samus Aran – a character who never talks, and who isn’t really seen until the end – so engaging and even human in that Chozo suit is a feat of digital puppetry. … Myself, I would like a much more elaborate story – revelations, twists, and genuine dialogue. I think it could really work. Back to Echoes, though – that’s a sign of a game that really got its hooks in,…. Highly reccomended.”

And I might as well get in the other one now too, as I’m getting quite tired of this wrtiting process and need some good filler that basically says what I would be saying. Again, from Tycho “Metroid Prime 2 has some of the most solid gaming moments this year. It’s the kind of game that makes you pine immediately for a sequel, wishing you could just… I don’t know, flip the disc over inside the machine and obviate the anticipation phase altogether.” It’s so very true. I want to keep playing, but they keep telling me the game is over. I went back, found all the secrets (as none were hidden in invisible caches), but still I yearn for more. And beat hard mode. And damn was it hard. A lot fo the bosses in this game are actually quite tough. There are even a couple that are fought entirely with the Morph Ball. Oh, and speaking of Morph Balls and such…

The new powerups in this game are awesome. Some, solely on their aesthetic merits, while others for the fact that they allow you to kill enemies by jumping into them. The new suits are pretty cool, particularly the Dark Suit. They wouldn’t be useful in any other game, as all they do is lighten or nullify the damaging effects of being present on Dark Aether, but at least the Dark Suit looks cool. Light Suit, on the other hand, I think looks like a piece of crap. I dunno. Just don’t like it. The Screw Attack is a lot of fun to play with after you’ve mastered using it, as you can just pop enemies with a single jump rather than shooting them over and over. Hmmm.. what else… Oh yes, the new beams. The Dark and Light beams are pretty much the same as the Ice and Plasma beams respectively. I would say that the only difference is that they effectively kill enemies of the opposite alignment, but that rings true for the other pair as well. The Annihilator beam is awesome though. It kills everything real good, and seeks like there’s no tomorrow. Dries up your ammo supply real fast, but it’s fun while you’ve got it. And finally, the new visors. The Dark visor is essentially a mix of the Thermal and X-Ray visors, only you can still see well with this one. And then the Echo Visor. It’s mainly used for solving puzzles. There isn’t really any good combat use for it. Only one enemy is sonar-based, and it’s near the early stages of the game.

Other things worthy of mention include Dark Samus, who will clearly be a major player in Metroid Prime 3. Aslo notable is the multiplayer mode, which isn’t great, but is rather fun. Until your idiot friends decide to just stay as Morph Balls all the time. Maybe it’s because I’m not a huge fan of the Morph Ball. I just prefer shooting to rolling. But I also prefer rolling to driving. Anywho, awesome game. Has to be to make number two.

~ #1 ~
Tales of Symphonia

I hope you’re shocked. Not only is my favorite game of this year not by Nintendo, but it’s also an RPG. An unconventional RPG, yes, but an RPG nonetheless. I love Tales of Symphonia and everything about it. There is no realy downside to the game. It’s fun, it’s engaging, it’s got multiplayer, and I’m gonna burn the (four disc!) soundtrack as soon as I buy some CD-Rs.

I already did a full review of this one in the blog a couple months back, so I don’t think I really need to explain everything again, but I will go over some of the highlights, just for the sake of you lazy fools who can’t remember. Number one, the battle system. Active battling in an RPG? Hooray, it can hold my attention! The fact that it very much resembles Smash Bros can’t hurt either. Plus, you can plug in more controllers so other people can play as your party members. Good call on that one Namco. I’m happy when other people can cast spells when they need be cast, and not just soak up all my TPs. But, if you’ve got noone else to play with, you can always just command them yourself, what with all the commanding options you’re given.

Also good: the game is really long. Almost too long. And there are like seven points during the game where you think it’s going to be over, but it never is. Until the end. And even if the two-disc adventure isn’t enough for you, there are plenty of sidequests, just like any good RPG. And just like any good RPG, most of them are only accessible near the end. But of course. It’s not like you could do the sidequest for the ultimate weapons right from the start. What fun would that be? (I mean, the game is a little too easy as it is.) And when you’re done, you can play through again on hard, with upgrades an such you can buy with GRADE points you earn during the course of the game. If that’s still not enough, give Maina mode a whirl. I tried it once, got my ass handed to me in the first battle, and gave up.

The story is so-so, starting pretty run-of-the-mill, and getting more interesting right at the end, rather than gradually throughout the whole game. Clearly, I love the music, as I was even considering legitimately importing the soundtrack, until I found the torrent file for it. As much as I’d like to have a real copy, it takes so long to get my cash to my PayPal account, and then the shipping makes it cost so much more, it’s just not worth it for a cheap, impatient guy like me. If I could find it at the local music store, I’d pick it up in a heartbeat, but it just don’t work that way with game soundtracks.

So yes, this is the best game of 2004. Don’t listen to what anyone else says. You can disregard most of the rest of the list if you like, but my number one is absolute.

I guess that’s really all there is to it then. I just wish I could have had more than ten spaces. There were a lot of good ones out there, and I didn’t even get to play a lot of them. Had I not picked up a couple last-second, the list may have been different. You don’t know how bad Boktai 2 deserves to be on there. And I bet you were pretty surprised that both MegaMan X: Command Mission and MegaMan Battle Network 4 were missing. To tell the truth, neither was really that great, and I already told you that I’d try to be as non-biased as I could. What about Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door and Donkey Konga? And what about any games not on a Nintendo system? To be fair, The Sims 2 is a PC game, and Viewtiful Joe 2 is also available on the PS2. See? I was good. At least I tried. Well, I guess we’ll just have to see what happens next year. So far, we’ve got Resident Evil 4 and two new Zelda games to look forward too, plus the new generation of consoles near the end there, so it’s going to be anything but boring.

Being a smart-ass 101

Yes I said I’d be doing this yesterday. But alas, I was sidetracked. Fortunately for me, it was by hockey. My dad took my brothers and I to one of the World Junoirs games last night. Switzerland vs. Finland. It would have been nice to see a Canada game (my cousin’s boyfriend is their starting goalie), but it was one hell of a game to be sure. I’d go into greater detail, but this is gonna be a really long post as it is, so my words must be sparse. It was disappointing that the game ended in a tie, as I would have liked to see Finland win (I’m Finnish you know), but there’s not much that can be done about it. So now that my alibi is strung together, onto the preamble!

As I was rattling on about in the last post, I read a review of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door in TV Guide. While I cannot truly disagree with the article on the whole, there are quite a few inaccuracies and the reviewer missed many important game elements. So as a site first, I shall taketh this review, and ripeth it apart paragraph by paragraph, and give my impressions on each. This also saves me from having to actually review the game myself. I would love to, but I’d have to play through again to get screenshots, and I have way too many incomplete games to start replaying one I’ve beaten. Now onto the feature!

Plumbing the depths

Heroes are a dime a dozen in gamedom, but few of them have the longevity or popularity of Nintendo’s Mario the plumber. The little man and his games are practically bulletproof.

No real problems here, except for nobody in the history of ever has ever called him “Mario the plumber”.

Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door is the follow-up to the N64’s original Paper Mario, which stretched the corners of his side-scrolling 2D world into a 3D adventure. It was his first appearance in a role-playing game, which was about the only kind of game that he and his crew hadn’t yet starred in.

Fuck. Just fuck. SUPER MARIO RPG: THE LEGEND OF THE SEVEN STARS, you twat. It’s only the most popular of the four Mario RPG games. You really shouldn’t make wild assumptions about things you clearly know nothing about. It’s not like anyone that knows better reads TV Guide anyway (except for me, apparently) but that mistake totally destroyed any credibility this guy once had. Not only that, but there was also at least one other 3D Mario game. Say, Super Mario 64. What a douche. And for the record, the Mario Party games were pretty damn 3D too.

Considering that Mario titles are usually aimed at kids, The Thousand-Year Door is long and pleasantly sophisticated. There’s plenty weird and wonderful in The Thousand-Year Door, as there is in all his trippy titles, but nothing is unfamiliar. Princess Peach reprises her role as the damsel in distress, various nefarious skills have been grafted onto his Goomba foes and the guy can’t seem to get through an adventure without wallowing in the sewers.

OK, most of this is pretty good, but there are a few things that were omitted (if only for the sake of fitting it on a single page). But before that, we’ll adress the “aimed at kids” issue. I don’t think Mario is aimed at kids. These days people label anything where intestines don’t spill as “for kids”. This is not true. Mario has always transcended age. If anything, Mario’s character is built more for adults. He’s a fat Italian plumber from Brooklyn. Come on. If there was only one specific group that could enjoy the character, it’s certainly not kids. So anyhow, there is plenty of unfamiliar in the game. From a town that could be called “a wretched hive of scum and villainy” in another time and place to his first jaunt into space in a very long time (Last time was in Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins. Mario Pary games don’t count.), there is plenty of new territory to be covered in this game. It’s even got Russian Bob-ombs. Oh, and let’s not forget the glory that is actually playing as Bowser (though it doesn’t last long, it’s awesome). Finally, Peach does reprise the whole damsel in distress role, but this time she does it right. There isn’t nearly as much boring Peach gameplay in this one.

The most novel feature here is the battle system. As with other heroes – guitar, gladiatorial or other – Mario has to perform with style is he wants to win hearts and minds. Battles in The Thousand-Year Door are literally staged events, complete with rising curtains and, at least if the battle is going his way, an audience whose enthusiasm spurs him in combat.

All true, there isn’t much else to say here. An (inter)active battle system is a good battle system. But really, the audience isn’t good for much other than filling your star power. This is a vast improvement over that wishing thing or whatever it was you had to do in the first Paper Mario. Anything else they do is usually insignificant or bothersome, like turning on fog machines to reduce accuracy or “accidentally” freezing Mario with onstage ice machines. Yes, they may throw you a Dry Shroom (Dry Shroom = worthless) every once in a blue moon, but most of the time, they just throw rocks.

Mario has been hardwired from the beginning to be heroic and doing the right thing is pathological for him. When allies ask what the next move is, there is never any choice for him to contiune doing the right thing. It’s not a bad lesson for the kids at Christmas, but it doesn’t exactly break gameplay wide open.

I smell a Fable fanboy. It’s not that impressive. With all that crazy crap you can do, the real game is probably short and boring. But I’m not really out to bash Fable. I’ve not played it, (but I will have after Christmas) so I can’t say for sure if my intuition is correct on this one. Anyhow, I guess I can’t really attack this paragraph, but you do get choices a when it comes to a lot of things. Only most of the the time they just repeat the question infinitely until you pick the answer they want to hear (But thou must!). And I’d like to see any other game where you can fold up into a plane or a boat. And if there is, I bet the method of getting those abilities isn’t anywhere as amusing as how you come across them in this game.

The Thoudand-Year Door doesn’t present any real choice and in many ways is as linear as the 2D side-scrollers from the days of the SNES.

Must… suppress… urge to kill… If he knows so much about the days of the SNES, how in the hell did he miss Super Mario RPG?! How!?!? And for the record, Mario’s NES side-scrollers were much more linear than the one (Yoshi’s Island doesn’t really count) on the SNES. You had many path choices in Super Mario World. As for this “doesn’t present any real choice” gobbledygook, I don’t think the reviewer knew anything about the badges. Being able to customize Mario’s strengths and abilities to no end is quite a big one for the “choices to make” category. Oh, and then there’s the level-up system, in which you choose how you want Mario to develop, rather than in other RPGs where they just dole out random stats each level-up. And what is this about “linear”? Of course it’s linear you ass. Pretty much all games are when you get down to it. At least this one presents plenty of amusing sidequests, puzzles and mini-games to keep things interesting.

Yeah, that’s the end. I wonder if this guy has ever written a conclusion. His intro was good, but if that whole “no choices” thing was the conclusion, he probably got a zero out of five on all his essays for whatever novice writer’s class he took. Not that I’m saying I’m a better writer than he, but at least I conclude the stuff that spews forth from my mind. It’s usually crap in itself, but it’s there. And his conclusion is nowhere to be seen.

Well, I’ve accomplished my goal (and used the word gobbledygook in the process!). I critiqued an overall positive review of a game I like, and managed to come out sounding like I was trying to protect the game from words of hate. I guess it just happens. Mostly, I just wanted to make fun of the writer and his lack of conviction. It is a pretty flip-floppy review. I’m not sure whether he liked or disliked it (due to no conclusion), but the praise was more abundant than the hate. So that’s pretty much it. Like I said, I’ve accomplished my goal. So I’m leaving.

NOTE:The comics are going to be weekly, so you’ll have to wait until Monday for the next one.

Look what came crawling back

OK! The computers are fixed (except for mine is now French), and I can start trying to get back on track of actually writing things for the site. First off – and most importantly – New comic! It’s nice to have some good comic material, even if it does mean I have to work. While you may not get the full extent of the hilarity (as this one is more for those on the inside), you should be able to find some sort of humour in it. If nothing else, I really like how the last panel turned out really well. And all my co-workers are loving these. I’d better start hocking my site at work…

I read a review of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door in TV Guide today and was absolutely outraged. It was a good review, but there were many errors and omissions of key game elements. I plan to do a comparative review on it tomorrow. That’s my plan anyhow. It may fall through, depending on whether or not I can get on the computer at all.

And that’s pretty much it for today. I threw you a couple fricking bones, so I think my job is done, and with as little bullshit as I can muster. I mean, there is an expected level of bull from me. I am just a novice writer and I do tend to ramble. Just look at that last sentence. Hm. Better just stop now.

Touch me!

OK, time for me to get this out of my system, cause GOD DAMN it’s been welling up in there for a long time. I’ve been holding off very well on blabbering on and on about the Nintendo DS, both on the site and in real conversation (though I did mention it every once in a while), and now I finally get to dedicate a whole post to the little guy. First off, let me say that it was worth every penny I paid for it. And the per-order paid off nicely too, as I picked up a slick t-shirt for doing so. I was surprised how nice a shirt it is compared to the last few Nintendo promotional shirts I’ve gotten. But anyway, I have some DS to rave about.

First, I’ll give my impressions of the system itself. That seems like the logical thing to do. I have to admit, it’s a lot lighter than what I thought, regardless of what any member of Penny-Arcade might have to say. Possibly just a tad heavier than the GBA SP. But not heavy at all. The screens look rather small, considering that the unit is actually rather large. But not too large. It’s just an SP with flaps on the sides. Ooh! And on those flaps are stereo speakers! The DS put out really good sound, and does some impressive surround effects. The buttons are about the same size as the GBA SP’s, except for the shoulder buttons, which have been increased to a size more reminiscent of those on the original GBA. The stylus is rather tiny, and it slots into a little niche on the back, right next to the game card slot. I think I’m doing a terrible job at this, so onto boot-up menus!

The boot-up stuff is really cool, and almost fun enough to play with by itself. On the initial power-up, you choose all sorts of options, ranging from date, time, your nickname, background colour preference, and language. Other things you can change include which screen GBA games play on, your birthday, an alarm, and even a little blurb for who knows what. You can also choose whether the system will start up any inserted game card immediately or go to the boot up menu first. The only thing I find weird about this is that when you’re finished with anything wired into the hardware (options, PictoChat, etc.), the system will turn itself off. There is no way you can stop it for doing this, and it’s slightly inconvenient that you have to manually turn it on again. Not too much of an issue though.

Oh, yes. And PictoChat seems like a pretty neat utility too, but I’ve had no-one to try it with, and nor have I come up with any practical uses for it other than for kids to screw around while in class. I mean, the wireless thing only goes so far, so you won’t be chatting with anyone out of earshot until they set up those magic hubs everywhere. It is fun to draw stuff though.

As you may know, the DS comes with a demo of the upcoming game, Metroid Prime Hunters. It’s no Metroid Prime, but it is really neat. If you’ve heard anything about it, it’s probably that you control Samus with the stylus. This is true, and it works very well. You can change the control settings to use the d-pad and the face buttons to move, but it’s much less convenient. You see, the stylus is not used to actually move Samus, but instead to aim. This proves quite useful for precision aiming, and since you have to tap buttons on the touch screen to change weapons and go into morph ball mode, it’s nice to already have something ready to hit the buttons when you need a quick weapon change. The game itself is very impressive, with some sweet (though slightly blocky) FMVs. The graphics are decent enough, and multiplayer is always a plus, especially for a demo. Only I have nobody to play with… Missions include a training run, a survival mode, and a morph ball race. All are slightly challenging, and getting a high score on each will unlock a bonus FMV that previews the full game.

You know that Super Mario 64 is my favorite game ever, as I’ve mentioned it more than once, and I couldn’t just get a new system without a game. So yeah, of course I bought Super Mario 64 DS. The only thing that would make it more perfect would be if the DS had an analog stick, but the d-pad works well enough. You could use the touch pad as a replacement for the stick, but I’m not comfortable at all that way. Like I said, the d-pad works fine. The game itself is exactly like the original, but with improvements everywhere. Four playable characters, 30 more power stars to collect, new missions, new levels, new bosses, and tons and tons of bunnies to catch. Plus improved graphics, multiplayer mode, and boatloads of mini-games. Apparently the DS doesn’t do texture filtering as well as it should but I neither know what that means nor did I notice anything overly ugly in the game, so I don’t care. Some nice additions include one mini-level that features music from Super Mario Sunshine and a new level that uses the surround sound effect as a part of a puzzle. Remember the lost woods in Ocarina of Time? Kinda like that, but you follow the speakers rather than which log had the loudest music. And a lot of the mini-games are really awesome too. Most of them are overly simple and get boring after a while, but some really stand out. My personal favorite involves dragging coloured bob-ombs to their appropriate mats. It’s really simple, but once the room gets flooded with bob-ombs, it gets very hairy. And considering that one mistake ends your game, you’ve gotta be really good once you pass the first few rounds. Definitely an excellent upgrade to the best game ever, and as one Planet GameCube staffer writes; “This is a finer 3D platform action game than you will find on any of the current consoles, much less any handheld system.”

And as much as I’d like to keep going on about all this touchy crap, I only really turned on the PC to figure out a really puzzling boss in Echoes (and I’m rather ashamed of myself for doing so), so I need to get back to that now. The only thing I’m disliking about the DS is that there is no way in hell for me to take screenshots from the damn thing. So I guess I’ll never be able to do a real review on any of the games. So yes. Off now. Until, oh, let’s say Saturday.

Of shitty crossovers

Just posting to let ya know that I added seven (six, really) new pics to the second art gallery. Most are of a single nature, while some are original, and is the horrifying result of my tendency to “improve” other people’s ideas. Other than that, nothing doing.

I would like to bring up the point that, when using the Opera browser (which I currently use), the post titles show up all small and wrong coloured. They look fine in Internet Explorer, and I’m sure it’s a simple matter of a misplaced < div >, but damned if I’m going to figure it out. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, expect my final impressions of the Nintendo DS. Later on in the week I’ll be bringing up some other choice items, such as Metroid Prime 2: Echoes and Viewtiful Joe 2 (the latter of which has gotten more attention than than both Metroid and the DS, amazingly). All great stuff, and I’m even gonna try my hand at some videos, so make sure you check back daily or so.

Coming up for air

OK, I’ve spent pretty much all the time I’ve been home today up until now immersed in Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. It’s a really, really, really awesome game. Fuck Halo. You can’t turn into a ball in Halo. There aren’t any zombies in Halo. Sure, you can hold two guns, but my gun is 5-in-one. Plus, Samus is a babe. (If you need proof, search up the ending pics for Metroid Fusion and Zero Mission in the VG Museum)

But no, I didn’t come here solely to bash Halo, though I do take pleasure in the activity. No, I have much more important stuff to discuss. Like what I did with last night. You see, I got the most excellent opportunity to hit the opening night concert for the MTS Centre. Possibly the biggest thing that’s ever happened in Manitoba ever, this was a pretty important event. Not only have we been craving this new arena for decades, but it was the first freaking anything that happened there.

I’d like to go into a lot of detail, but Aether calls, so I’ll have to keep it short. Short-ish. Basically, the new arena is awesome. It’s way fancied up, and it’s got like statues and shit all over the place. One thing I noticed that was really cool is that the lights under the stairs cast a cool glow on people either ascending or descending them. Sadly, the trough is gone, and that means lines for the men’s bathroom. If you’d never been to our quaint old arena, the men’s bathrooms had pissing troughs. Seriously. It was awesome. But never again. Oh well, I guess they made up for it by having every seat made the same, and not giving the big spenders the comfy ones.

So what about the show? Well, it started with a gymnast doing some seriously wicked shit on a couple of like… big… drapes. I have no idea what they’re called but it was impressive like nothing else. At first I couldn’t tell if it was a chick or a guy, but then we got the ass shot. That was the definitive moment. Totally a chick. Now I was impressed and aroused. Not a bad opening act. Then the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra played some stuff and it was cool. Then another gymnast who was notably less impressive, but very, very flexible. Finally, we got some more WSO, and then the show really started.

Our first big name act: Randy Bachman. You know, from BTO and the Guess Who. There was some “Takin’ Care of Business”, a little “Let It Ride”, and an ineffable performance of “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet”. Of course, he did some of his own stuff too, and even busted into Neil Young’s “Keep on Rocking in the Free World”. It would be quite the act to top. And the next guys didn’t quite do it for me. Some young country group going by the name of Doc Walker. Never heard of ’em before, and I’m not gonna go and start hearing of ’em. They weren’t bad, but you know. They were following up Randy freaking Bachman. While they did put on an enjoyable show, they were without a doubt the least entertaining of the 5 major acts.

Oh, did I mention that the thing was hosted by Fred Penner? Yeah. It was cool. Funny guy. He did little skits and stuff between acts to show off all the cool stuff in the new arena, like the Moose locker rooms (which, by the way, must be what Heaven is like) and the giant loading dock. Also highlighted were the dining hall and the suites. Oh, and the arena itself. But back to the show.

The third act, and what I thought would be the most disappointing, was Chantal Kreviazuk. You see, I didn’t realize that she’s smoking hot. Turns out she’s a pretty talented pianist and singer too. And she kept heckling the lighting guys to do stuff for her, but they wouldn’t. It was funny. The only thing I didn’t like was the fat idiot sitting two seats over that kept yelling things to her, even though we were sitting way up at the top of the world. Yeah, we were in the very highest seats, but as the Penner man pointed out, there isn’t a bad seat in the house.

After Chantal packed it up and Fred and co-host Adam Beach did their bit, on came my personal favorite act: Tom Cochrane. Booya. Kickass rock and boatloads of showmanship to boot. He was the only guy to actually get the people in the floor seats up and dancing. Somehow, he managed to sing all songs that I don’t know, except for the token “Life is a Highway”. I think if Tom Cochrane ever played a concert anywhere and didn’t do “Life is a Highway”, the world would implode or something. But I digress, this was the highlight of the show for me. But as a collective, we the audience had a huge surprise waiting for us.

Me, I had no idea who I was going to see, I just took up the offer and went. But apparently, nobody in the audience knew that Burton Cummings was gonna be there, based on the uproar that uprose when Fred announced that he would be the last act. Indeed, Burton did not disappoint. He did a few songs accompanied by the WSO, and then it got even better. Randy came back and then they did “No Sugar Tonight”. And then a bunch of Guess Who stuff from back in the day. The crowd was certainly pleased, what with more applause, whistling, and hollering than I imagined could possibly be contained inside a single building. I was entertained as well, even if it was mostly stuff I’d never heard before. I can’t say I’ve ever really listened to a lot of the Guess Who or, for that matter, anyone who performed last night, but I was able to pick out quite a few songs, and I knew everyone who played (with the exception of Doc Walker, of course), so I wasn’t totally out of the loop.

And that was it. It wasn’t straight up my alley (some parts were, but some weren’t), but I can’t deny that I enjoyed pretty much the whole thing. Only one or two songs total did I find annoying or disagreeable. A sweet-ass concert for sure, you’re sorry you missed it. I don’t care if you hate all the stars that showed up, it was a huge event that really defied musical preferences. I really don’t have much else to say. I can’t stop thinking about the Echoes.

On a totally different note, I got the new Rammstein CD today. Kinda goes without saying that it kicks ass. And that’s the end of my show. DONK!