You’ve probably all seen that ridiculous Shrek-endorsed peanut butter M&Ms commercial. You know the one. Yeah. That dumb one where nothing really happens. The thing they fail to mention is that Shrek slapped his face on far more candy than M&Ms. Like this Snickers bar with “Green Shrek Filling”.
I was supposed to be heading out to the cottage this morning, but since my brother had to work until 4, the trip has been postponed for a couple hours. That means time for blogging!
Another upside to the extra time is that I was finally able to convince myself to sit down and watch Pan’s Labyrinth. I am now ashamed that it took me so many days to do so. Pan’s Labyrinth is not at all the kind of movie I normally watch, as it has a good plot, good actors, and no zombies. It’s also entirely in Spanish. But little things aside, I totally agree with everyone who gave it stars of approval. It’s a fantastic movie, with so very very much imagination and tenison and emotion and all those other good things. It’s a little on the predictable side, but then again, 97% of all movies are completely predictable. It seems that the only thing people care to do after seeing a movie is to point out its flaws, so I’m not even going to try to think of anything I didn’t like about the movie. My friends do more than enough bitching and whining about every movie under the sun to make up for my lack thereof, so don’t worry, it all balances out in the end.
Also! I guess it’s probably been around for a couple weeks now, but on Thursday I discovered that McDonald’s is pormoting a new Shrek-themed milkshake. It’s notable because it’s the Shamrock Shake! Well, sort of.
I guess to call the… whatever they call it… a Shamrock Shake would be inaccurate. But it does taste startlingly close to the minty goodness of the retired (in most places, but especially in Canada) St. Patty’s Day shake. The only difference is that in addition to the delicate mint flavouring, there’s also a tinge of chocolate in there as well, making it that much more special. In any case, it’s probably the closest I’m ever going to get to the delicious Shamrock Shake in my lifetime, and it’s likely not going to last long either, so I’m treasuring the motherfuckers like they’re gold. Sweet, minty, gold. Damn. I should probably be buying one right now. Maybe when I’m done with this post…
I think the last thing I have to mention today is that last Friday was declared “National Pick On Ryan Day” at Toys ‘R’ Us. Which is stupid, because if it’s only recognized by a select few girls/women at a single store, how can it possibly be “National”? But yeah, in all seriousness, it was pretty much the same as every other day, in that they like to pick on me all the time anyway. I guess I didn’t mind the extra attention though. Any day when girls talk to me on purpose is a good day.
So anyhow, ummm… I dunno. I finally bought The Black Parade. I still don’t like “Welcome To The Black Parade”, but the album as a whole is pretty darn good. In fact, all the other songs are good. Figures though. Singles these days seem to often be the weakest songs a band has to offer. Also, you know, Wikipedia telling me the thing was majorly influenced by Queen (favourite band ever) was really the deciding factor there. Certainly wins a lot of points for that one.
I got some deformed Peeps. don’t know what to say. Better deforemd than retarded though, right?
Yet again I have to suffer the consequences of looking like an idiot because I shot my mouth off before really having any idea what I was talking about.
Well, I suppose it’s not all that bad, but the sad reality of it all is that Chick Chick Boom is not actually Wii-friendly. Sadly, the Internet Channel’s Flash player isn’t advanced enough to run the game, and now I feel kind of dumb. It’s still a cool game though, and we can only assume that it will indeed run on the full version of the Internet Channel. And speaking of that, where is it? I was hoping that when they said “April” they meant “April 1st or 2nd” but it seems like we’re gonna have to hold out a little bit longer. Though now that I’ve bitched about it, it’ll probably show up tomorrow morning just to spite me. Or get delayed some more.
The only bad thing is that I may never see such a ham again, because my grandpa bought it on a whim whilst on a shopping trip under orders from my grandma to “buy a ham that looks good”. Needless to say, he wasn’t really paying attention to which ham he picked, so the brand is a complete mystery. Despite this little setback, I do have faith that one day, I and the most delicious ham ever will be reunited, and all will be right in the universe, if only for a little while.
Alright, let’s see. Got a few small reviews and random thoughts to round up today. Let’s start off with movies.
Saw Reno 911!: Miami on the weekend with a couple friends. I thoroughly enjoyed it in its entirety, despite copious/unnecessary amounts of man-ass. It had some incredibly hilarious moments (“No immunity to bullets!”), and featured plenty of actors that I like. I really liked seeing Patton Oswalt in a big role, and Paul Rudd is always welcome in my media. David Koechner should have seen more screen time though. Also, this movie has what is probably my very favourite use of The Rock. I never watch the show, but after this I may just start.
Before I started typing this post, I finally got around to watching Little Miss Sunshine, which has been sitting around the house for like a week now. Unexpectedly, I also really liked this one. I don’t know what it was about it, but I found it a really great movie. My interest didn’t wane at all throughout, and that’s always a good indicator, because I usually get bored with movies halfway through and start doing something else while they play in the background. But I digress. Steve Carell obviously provided an outstanding performance, but the rest of the cast is no less noteworthy, though I’m far too lazy to note them all. That’s why the link is there, people! To sum it up quickly, the climax is great, and any scene with Grandpa is a winner.
Oh, right, I bought Trailer Park Boys: The Movie back when it came out. After watching it a second time, I have to conclude that it is by far and wide the best movie I saw last year. Far and wide, my friends.
I’m trying to will up a couple articles here. It’s been a real long time. Both pretty standard topics for this site, but I won’t say what yet. Frankly, I’ve probably doomed them to non-existence by even mentioning them, so let’s forget about those for now. Just enjoy the long-winded blog posts for the time being.
It’s been on the radio for like forever now, but only two days ago, I finally heard “Welcome To The Black Parade” for the first time. Holy shit, was I ever disappointed. Everyone I’ve talked to about it likes it so much, but being a fan of MCR’s old work, I just can’t get behind it. I guess it was good that I held off on buying the CD before I listened to it. I’ll definitely have to illegally download the album before I make any sort of financial commitment to it.
Speaking of music, I heard Guster‘s “Satellite” playing over the PA at work the other day. This is notable because the music that plays at work generally consists of crap and Elton John. It was nice to hear a good song (aside from “Rocket Man” and “Tiny Dancer”) for once. What was not nice was an atrocious cover of “Maybe I’m Amazed”. I know a lot of people/bands have covered that particular song (but really, how do you even think you can compare to Paul McCartney?), but the one I heard was more a farce of the song than a tribute. It makes baby Jesus cry.
Somebody please read this article at X-E and tell me if it’s any good. I’ve tried to read it like three times now, but always end up getting a craving for cheeseburgers and abandoning it to go on a cheeseburger run and then forgetting about it. It’s a serious problem.
An amendment to yesterday’s post: the song “Begin Again From The Beginning” from the album Welcome The Night is a very Ataris song, even if the rest of the album sounds like a completely different band. Just thought I should mention that.
Okay, I think that about finishes up everything I have to say. Wario: Master of Disguise drops today, and I’ve been praying for a platforming Wario game for a good five-odd years now, so I’m probably going to be a little tied up with that this week. Posting may not happen for a bunch of days, but expect thoughts – possibly review – upon completion.
You might not have ever noticed, but back in January of last year, I never actually posted a big ol’ rundown of all the assorted junk I got for Christmas. I guess the main reason is that I felt a little bad about the sheer volume of stuff I receive for the holiday, despite the fact that I’m getting into my adult years. A 20-year old probably shouldn’t get quite as much as I did that year, and it seemed wrong for me to go and show off everything.
This year I had originally planned to keep the once-yearly feature buried, but then I saw Matt’s gift roundup on the X-Entertainment blog, and the fact that he got way more stuff than I did made me think that oh, maybe I’m not quite as spoiled as I thought. Given, I don’t have like a hundred siblings, but the point stands. My parents also had a little extra scratch this year, and besides renovating half the house, they also used it to shower us and themseves in Christmas gifts. And that’s basically why I’m running this feature right now, as late as it my be.
Now that the whole semi-related intro groundwork business is laid out I suppose it’s time we get to the down and dirty of this article here: the goodies. Though I’d like to remind you that while I use the term “good”, I can predict that some will groan at at least a few entries on the list. Oh, also like the X-E rundown, this will be somewhat more abbreviated than lists of years past. These kinds of things don’t really deserve two pages.
Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker : One of my fondest memories of classic Game Boy games is the original Dragon Quest Monsters. I spent weeks worth of time playing that games, and still didn’t even come close to finishing it. It was a hard freakin’ game, what can I say? I skipped the second (and third, apparently) installment of the series, but I figured that when they announced a DS sequel that I’d give it a spin, and it’s nearly exactly how I remember it. The idea of the game is obviously a mix between Pokémon and Dragon Quest, and I really can’t decide what franchise I prefer. Pokémon is 90% strategy-based, while DQM is pretty much an “accept button” masher, but offers a far more obsessive-compulsive breeding system. Though with the default battle option being autobattle, it’s nice to sit back and watch your team just massacre everyone. In any case, while it’s very DQ in the way that it demands a lot of level-grinding, I still love it.
Silent Hill Origins : Quite possibly my most longed-for PSP game ever, Silent Hill Origins is a bit of a mixed bag. I haven’t played too far into it as of yet (I’m saving it for when I finish with DQM), but I really like what I’ve played through. On the positive side, the atmosphere is perfect, being completely creepy and one of the the few horror-based franchises that actually frightens me. The less positive being that every weapon you pick up is breakable. And they break fast. It’s not a huge issue, because punching enemies to death works just fine (it just takes a little longer), and if you’re up against more than one enemy at a time, it doesn’t matter what kind of weapon you’re carrying: you will be murdered. Also, Harry would breathe heavily after running for a while in the original Silent Hill, which was a neat touch, but protagonist-man-whose-name-I’ve- currently-forgotten can actually only run for a while before he needs to breathe out or down an energy drink. I hate realism in games because it’s almost always inconvenient. All in all though, it delivers more than enough to be worth it, and I think I’ll really enjoy it once I sit down and give it more than an hour.
Futurama: Bender’s Big Score : Time has done well to Futurama. It may not be exactly what I was hoping for in a fifth season, but the first of however many of these “movies” they’re making sets a pretty good standard. I’ve watched it twice now, which is a lot, considering that I’ve almost never seen a movie twice in such a short span of time. The plot deals with a lot of time travel, which can cause some pretty perplexing plot holes, but as far as I care, the writing staff did a great job avoiding that kind of stuff and workied it out pretty well. One thing I noticed about Futurama over the course of it’s life is that it went from being just about funny to being funny and really fleshing out the characters and their relationships with each other. Bender’s Big Score continues down that road, albeit maybe not as much as the fourth season did, but there’s a good amount of sincerity along with the humour. The only thing I didn’t like is that they referenced like 95% of the old episodes, which is maybe a little too much. Self-referential humour is good and all, but freshness is good too.
Superbad : I saw a brief bit of this movie shortly after it came to DVD (“Do you know how many foods are shaped like dicks? All the good ones!”), and I knew that I had to own it. I do not regret this decision, but I also disagree with all the hype surrounding it. Maybe I just missed something, but I don’t think it’s quite as holy as the general consensus would like you to think. It’s a great movie, yes. It’s hilarious, no doubt. I just don’t really think it’s going to redefine any genres. Then again, I have yet to break into the second disc, which contains extras that might shine some light on exactly why I should think it’s pure genius. So we’ll leave the final word open for now, but it is totally worth buying.
Killswitch Engage – The End of Heartache : I was introduced to Killswitch Engage back in… 04 maybe? Anyway, they had a song on the Resident Evil: Apocalypse soundtrack, and it was one of the standout tracks on the disc (though most of them are pretty good). I downloaded like two more songs to see more of what they were like, and I was kinda apathetic about it all. Their latest single, “My Curse”, in in Guitar Hero 3, and that’s when I decided to give them another shot. I got The End of Heartache for Christmas, and I’m thinking maybe I should go and pick up their two other CDs. I’m not much of a metal connoisseur, so I can’t really say much about them, but I like Killswitch Engage.
HIM – Venus Doom : Yeah, I’m still listening to HIM. A lot of bands I’ll listen to obsessively for a while and then kind of forget about, but HIM is one of the groups with staying power. Their latest offering is quite good. I’ve only had it on in the background while I play video games, so I haven’t really sat down just to listen to it and absorb it, but I do realy like it. Maybe even a bit more than Dark Light, which I was ever so slightly disappointed with. I guess the reason is that I was drawn into the Dark Light hype, so maybe I was expeting too much, I don’t know. In contrast, I didn’t even know about Venus Doom until like a week before Christmas, so I was just excited that there was a new HIM CD.
Dethklok – The Dethalbum : Honestly, what haven’t I said about The Dethalbum already? I downloaded it the day before it was released, and I’ve listened to it probably about 50 times. Now, I own it. The Tall One had to venture to a mall on the other end of the city to find the stupid thing, but it was a trek well worth it. We’re both huge Metalocalypse fans, so either of us probably would have gone even farther to procure it. I’m just slightly disappointed that there weren’t any copies of the special edition available. The bonus disc is short, but the songs on it are totally worth however much extra money they charge for it. Conclusion: wicked CD.
Beetlejuice : I’ve seen this movie on TV so goddamned many times that I really don’t need to own it, but it’s a great addition to my collection anyway. Why wouldn’t you want to watch Beetlejuice? I wouldn’t buy the cartoon series though. It’s one of the few shows I loved in my childhood that I just can’t really get into anymore. Ah well. At least the toys were cool.
Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special : When this first came out maybe two years ago, I skipped it because I figured it would be included on one of the season DVD sets. I was dead wrong. Now I don’t have a Conky finger puppet because I waited, but I guess I’ll find a way to manage without.
Wii Points : Wii Points are a precious resource to me. I can never have enough, and I’m ever so slightly iffed that I only got one card for Christmas. Oh well. The Youngest One decided he would gift me a Virtual Console game as his present, but there was nothing I didn’t already own that I wanted on the service, so he gave me a raincheck. It’s been three weeks since Christmas and I still have that raincheck. Where are all the good VC games?
Nunchuck attachment : “But Ryan,” you say “when did you get a second Wii Remote?” the fact of the matter is that I did not. I just wanted a second nunchuck so that I could have one just to leave in the Zapper. Honestly, I back-and-forth with the thing a lot, and locking in and winding up the nunchuck, then undoing it all when I’m done is a pain in the ass. The annoyance of the process has on more than one occasion stopped me from playing anything at all, so you can see how Goddamned lazy I really am. Actually, I probably should pick up a second Wiimote just to leave in the Les Paul…
Lost season 3 : The thing between me and TV is that I don’t watch things on purpose. I can never remember when shit is on, or what channel it’s on, so when I find a show I like, I generally just go out and buy the DVDs to save myself the trouble. I don’t usually blaze through DVD sets so quickly, but I’ve already watched every episode from this particular season, and have started hacking away at the bonus features disc. I guess I wouldn’t really call myself a Lost junkie, because I’m not completely fanatical about it, but it is without a doubt my favourite show on TV right now. Season 4 is supposed to the be the end, and it makes me sad, but given the way 3 ended, I guess dragging it on any longer would seem forced. So yeah. I thoroughly enjoy Lost.
The Godzilla Collection : I’ll be honest here, I haven’t seen any classic Godzilla movies in their entirety. I’ve tried to watch a couple over the years, but since they were always on TV quite late, and I was much younger then, I always ended up falling asleep. It’s a lore I’ve always been very interested in though. I’ve played a lot of the Godzilla-based video games, and read up plenty on the subject on the ol’ Wikipedia. When I saw this box, my eyes bugged out and I knew that it had to be mine. And now it is. I still haven’t set aside time to crack it open yet, because I want to marathon it, but I fully intend to sometime within the next week or two. It contains seven movies: the original, and the six Showa series films. I know somewhere out there there’s a box of the Heisei series films, but I just haven’t found it yet. When I do though…
The Doors : This was kind of an odd one. My mom was looking for things for The Tall One, and she pointed this out. I surmised that he probably didn’t listen to the Doors, but that I did, though not really showing much interest. Christmas morning: BAM! You know what? Maybe it’s not something I would pursue under my own power, but it sounds like an interesting movie. I’m pretty sure it’ll be awesome. Because I think the Doors are pretty awesome. Now all I have to do is put aside some spare time in which to watch it. Maybe I’ll do that once I’m done with this stupid article.
Jerry Seinfeld Live on Broadway : It’s Seinfeld. It was a stocking stuffer. Again, not something I would really even give a second look, but ends up being right up my alley. Again, haven’t watched it yet, but fully intend to. If the standup bits on the show were representative of what his real acts are like, then I’m assuming that this will have me busting a gut, so to speak.
Trauma Center: New Blood : You know what’s pretty cool? The Wii Zapper works quite nicely with the Trauma Center games. Never would have thought so, would you? Okay, it hasn’t made a huge difference, but the little bit of extra steadiness helps. In any case, I only started this one up last night. I’m not quite sure if I ever finished the first one, but that’s besides the point. So far, the game is… well, exactly the same. The production values have gone up considerably, though I think the new TV does have a small role to play there. The fact that the entire game is voice-acted is great, because the VAs do a terrific job for the most part. It may not be anything particularly fresh, but hey, Trauma Center is wicked fun.
Whiskey : In the toe of my stocking, rather than finding the traditional orange (which, coincidentally, I’ve never gotten in my stocking), there was a small bottle of Crown Royal. Also, a shot glass with a Santa face on it. Huzzah. Both remain unopened because, quite frankly, I very rarely find myself in a situation where I require alcohol. Mostly because I spend my Friday/Saturday nights alone in my room. I’m not complaining, I’m just sayin’.
Sudoku TV : I’ll admit it, I’m hooked on Sudoku. I blame Brain Age entirely for this. So anyhow, I saw this gizmo at Wal-Mart one night while Christmas shopping with the “fam”, and decided to pick it up because I thought it would be good for a review at the very least. My mom said she’d buy it and told me to act surprised. So on Christmas morning I was treated to a huge box full of plug-n-play Sudoku. And you know what? It’s crap. I mean, it didn’t promise anything that it doens’t deliver, but the buttons are crappy and insensitive, the controls for playing Sudoku on the TV is completely asinine, and the little LCD screen just doesn’t suit the game very well. And I’m not even going to get into the other games that are packed into it. Ugh. It’s usable, but just barely. I will have to go in-depth with it though. It’s just that hilariously bad.
Gift Card Mania!!! : Every year I see more of these little things and it’s like: why don’t you just give me money? They’re not even all in the picture. I mean, I guess the only one I’d be unlikely to use is the one for Blockbuster, because I almost never rent anything, but still. And what’s with the two movie passes? Are you trying to say something? Are you that unsatisfied with me being single? I won five bucks on the Set For Life ticket though. Which is good becaue now I can go get another one, but bad because I know how addicting lottery tickets can be. I already spend way too much money, I don’t need those dumb things nickel-and-diming my bank account down even more.
And that about wraps that up. There are some other assorted thingers that I neglected to mention, mostly clothes and stocking stuffers, but those aren’t interesting in the least. That’s not to say that anything pictured is, but I’m not too concerned about showing the world a new pair of jeans or a pack of gum, you know? Yeah, so that’s the end then. I’m not sure exatly how to cut this off properly. I guess a clean break after the gift card paragraph would have been the best way to do it, but I’ve committed myself to this paragraph and I’m damn well going to see it through. To the end. Which is now.
In case you didn’t know, breakfast is my favourite meal ever.
If you pay attention to the gaming media (and why would you be reading this if you didn’t?), you probably heard somebody say something about a “Bumpy Trot” somewhere along the line and just dismissed it because it sounded dumb. And you know, maybe that was for the best. But not me. No, when I heard about Bumpy Trot – or Steambot Chronicles as it was renamed when it came over to North American shores – the writer in question said that it was the closest we’re ever going to get to a MegaMan Legends 3. Being a huuuuuuge (u’s for emphasis) Legends fan, I put my foot down and said that I must own the game!
I’ll make a side note here that people are very split on MegaMan Legends. A handful of people like it, and they like it a lot. The rest of the world thinks it’s crap. Hence why Capcom only made one sequel. Armed with that knowledge, you may very well dismiss the rest of this review of some stupid kid writing about a shitty game. And yeah, I’m not going to lie, most of the Playstation 2 userbase will not like this game. There isn’t a dragon to be seen, it doesn’t have any footballs, and there are no foul-mouthed black men. Just mechs. Mechs that look like cars.
Being the fair and totally unbiased man that I am, I’ve decided that today I’ll try a new approach at the video game review. Because let’s face it, normal game review are best left to the professionals. I, however, have taken it upon myself to make a short list comprised of the best things and the worst things about Steambot Chronicles. And you as an interweb reader have no power to choose not to read it, because you cannot resist the list. Nobody can.
the good
As the title may imply, the game has a lot to do with steambots. Or maybe not. It’s actually about trotmobiles. But what is a trotmobile? I’m glad you probably don’t know, because I’d love to explain it.
A trotmobile is basically this game’s evolution of the car. As the backstory goes, people had invented the car, but since they didn’t have a whole lot of roads outside of the towns, it was a little impractical. So many years were spent researching ways to improve upon the car, and eventually they came up with the bipeal “robot” design known as the trotmobile. Why it’s called a trotmobile when the title of the game is Steambot Chronicles is a mystery, but I don’t care enough to solve it. Bad translation? No. Definitely not (as we’ll see later).
At the beginning of the game, the main character, Vanilla, wakes up on a beach with no recollection of who he is. a young girl named Connie finds him and during a search for clues, they come across a rusty old trotmobile. During about half of the time you spend playing the game, you will be in the driver’s seat of that trotmobile, and you’ll learn to love it. The controls take a little learning, as the trotmobile moves similarly to a katamari, but they work out really well because they’re laid out very efficiently. Your trot is controlled entirely with the L and R buttons (including the analog sticks), with the face buttons being relegated to more generic tasks such as menus and talking.
So now that you’ve gone through Trotmobile 101, it’s time to find out what these machines can do! The answer: pretty much everything! While they’re mainly used as transportation for people, trotmobiles can be rigged up for numerous tasks. Some will haul goods back and forth, making a pretty penny along the way. Some will outfit their trot with weapons and take it to the various arenas in hopes of winning fortune and fame. Others will go spelunking in deep, dangerous caves, searching out treasures of civilizations past. Some people may even aspire to find a way to make their trot fly! The possibilities are nigh endless!
Not only can you find plenty to do with your new trotmobile, but you can also customize it to your very liking. You can swap out a multitude of parts – called “frames” – and equip your trotmobile for any occasion. The trotmobile has six main parts; two arms, a leg frame, a body frame, a grill, a windshield, and a back frame for carrying cargo. There are many frames for each part, and while there is a weight limit, you can customize your trot any way you like. you can even change the colours and the license plate if you get tired of them.
Steambot Chronicles is not a small game. In fact, it is quite a large game. While the areas may not be as elaborate as a Grand Theft Auto title, there is plenty of terrain to cover, and lots to do. If you stick to it, the main story will breeze by quite quickly, possibly leaving you a little worried that the game is over, but fear not! Steambot Chronicles is what they call a “sandbox game,” and as such, you’re usually able to go out on your own and do whatever you please. You don’t have to follow the story if you don’t feel like it, and even if you do, you can still play on as long as you wish in the post-game mode.
So what is there to do in the world of Steambot Chronicles? I suppose we should cover the basics first. Number one would be the arena. There are three arenas across the country, one in each major city. Each of these arenas is host to a number of trot riders, all looking for a good fight. Winning in the arena will lead you to a wealth of victory medals, which can be exchanged for prizes, which consist of valuable trotmobile parts. Not a fighter, but still want to get a piece of that action? If you’re not the bravest of trot riders, you can still make a killing betting on trot fights. Not the fastest or most reliable way to increase your net worth, but the option’s there if you want it.
If you’d rather keep away from the roughnecks, yet still have that itch for mucho dinero, there are alternatives. The quick way is to invest in the stock markets. Since you can help out businesses with your patronage, you can kinda fudge the stocks and earn a wealth in a few week’s time. The most reliable way to earn cash, however, is to play trucker. You can buy goods from many people all over the place, and then sell it elsewhere to line your pockets nicely. Just make sure you’re selling for more than you bought for! If that doesn’t work out, you could always get into the transportation business and ferry people to and fro. They don’t always pay too well though, so if you’re looking for quick cash, you may want to take one of the aforementioned alternatives. Keep in mind that this just scratches the surface of all the ways you can earn a living.
There are lots of people all over the place who need your help. Museum curators, lovebirds, mechanics, bandits, movie enthusiasts. Pretty much every kind of person you can think of. With each of these people comes a side-quest. And why would you do these sidequests? Well, usually you get money, items, or trot frames. A good percentage of the time, you get a collectible license plate for your trotmobile as well. Getting all 30 plates is no easy task. If you think you’re up to it, go ahead. I can tell you right now that you’re gonna need a FAQ though.
now that you’re rich, what are you going to do with the cash? Pimp out your trot? Buy out all the local stores? I suggest maybe finding yourself a bachelor pad. There are realtors in every major city willing to rent you a place, and all you have to do is find ’em and fork out the dough. Decorating your room with furniture (available at the local furniture store, obviously) and relics (found in caverns and whatnot) is always a fun way to spent the afternoon! Maybe you can even invite that girl you’ve got your eye on over to your place and see where it goes…
Honestly, I really just like the dating part of the game because I find the best outcome of the dates to be rather hilarious. Especially when it’s Connie who you’re gunning for. Hell, even initiating the event is chuckle-worthy. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Let’s start at the start.
You see, once you’re renting an apartment, you can start dating one of three women in the game. There’s Connie the main female character, Savory the alternate choice, and Ciboulette the pirate. Hot. All of the girls can and will succumb to your masculine wiles after a certain point in the game, and it’s not necessary to exercise your power, but it’s definitely entertaining. The only problem is that your apartment has to be in the same town that the object of your affection is in. No town-hopping for these ladies.
So you’ve got your apartment all prettied up with the 50-year-old newspaper floor mat, and you’ve progressed far enough in the story. You can now ask a girl to come over to your place. Once she comes over (assuming you decide to let her in), the dating mini-game starts. You get a number of hearts, which you can spend on various date actions, like talking and giving gifts. You can replenish hearts by giving the right gifts, and each girl has different tastes. After you’ve gotten enough hearts and have performed the proper actions, you can “make your move,” as the game so inconspicuously puts it.
But alas! There is one step I forgot! To initiate this process, you have to own a Lil’ Swabby. “WTF?” you ask. Yeah, you need to buy a cotton swab from a local shop to complete the dating ritual. If you’ve got the Lil’ Swabby and play your cards right, you’ll be having the girl of your choice over for a little “hot cocoa” in no time.
While it’s not the first game to do so, Steambot Chronicles gives you the opportunity to follow either a good or evil path. The choice first comes up about halfway through, and you can change your mind at almost anytime. Heck, I think you have to go evil and then back to get everything, but I’m not entirely sure.
There are a long list of bandit groups in Steambot Chronicles, and a handful of them play large roles in your adventure, but only one truly stands out: the Bloody Mantis. If you play the good guys, you’re going to end up fighting against them and their plan for… well, I won’t spoil that much. Somewhere midway through your adventure, the Bloody Mantis recruiter will approach you and offer you to join up with them. should you choose the comply, the rest of the game will not be spent thwarting evil, but rather being the new errand-boy for the Mantis. You’ll cause plenty of havoc, and more than likely end up making all your previously established friends hate your guts. But hey, life of crime, right?
Obviously, both paths branch out very differently from that point, and you’ll get separate endings for each. That should be more than enough reason to play through the game twice. Though you’ll probably end up having to do that anyway if you play through sans-FAQ and hope to unlock everything. That’s pretty much my situation. On the upside, this, along with the billions of things to do, presents plenty of replay value, as the game has the capacity to be entirely different every time you play through it.
No, I’m totally serious. The manual for Steambot Chronicles rules. It’s not like the usual manual that assumes you can’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground. It’s written very cleverly, with jokes and sarcasm and everything. But how could this come to be? And why?
The answer is a single man – Tomm Hulett. He’s a translator for Atlus, and was the one who did the Steambot manual (and was the project lead on the translation of the game itself). He even included a couple paragraphs at the back about how Atlus got the project, how they decided on the North American title, his localization philosophy, and making sure the voice acting was top-notch. A man who truly knows how to please the fans.
Imagine my surprise when I learned that Tomm was a regular commenter on ToastyFrog, spreading news of all his latest localization projects. The man has a sense of humor (Contact scandal, anyone?), and it shows. I mean, really, the game’s translation job on the whole is excellent, with plenty of humor and drama and whatnot, but the manual really stood out for me. After all, manuals are usually pretty drab.
I really hate to rip on the game, but I’m going to be completely honest here – it’s got its good share of flaws. Some big, some small, all contributing in some way to make the elitist (in their own minds) jerks who think Final Fantasy is the shit hate this game. Like I said before, I exist to fill niches, and this game is definitely niche. So, I guess we’re going to have to tread into that place I only like to go when reviewing food – negative territory. Bad things ho!
the bad
I’ll put it to you straight: this is a really good game to turn the sound off and turn on your own music. I really ahte when I have to say it, but it’s entirely true. Well, perhaps not entirely.
The truth is, the sound and voice acting in the game is superb. Stellar, even. The regular game music isn’t too offensive either. It’s generic RPG-ish music for the most part, but it isn’t so generic that it warrants a bad reputation. Hell, the town music is actually kinda catchy; I often find myself whistling or humming along.
The real trouble comes in the form of the Garland Globetrotters. See, they’re this band who, in the game, everybody just loves. Connie is the lead vocalist, and if you play on the good side you can choose to join them. The thing is, they make terrible, terrible music. It’s bad, man. Real bad. And won’t you be surprised when I tell you it gets worse. The singing is absolutely atrocious. Like, makes-the-music-seem-great atrocious. It’s not really that the singer has a really bad voice, but the lyrics are just so impossibly bad, and she doesn’t handle them very well. The lack of any rhyming or proper song structure just make the songs a physical pain to listen to.
Later on in the game, you can even jam with a second band after you complete a certain sub-quest. This is even worse, with a poor male vocalist and the same horrid songwriting that the Globetrotters’ songs fall victim to. It’s supposed to be rock ‘n’ roll too, and the flagrant disregard for respect for the genre makes me die a little on the inside.
I’m not kidding when I say there’s loading everywhere in this game. And it really gets in the way too. And it’s like ten seconds per load screen, which really drives the point home.
Now, I know that the areas are large, but there isn’t a whole lot going on in most of them. A few enemies, maybe some environmental effects and some people passing through. Not that much. Again, I have to compare it to Grand Theft Auto. It’s got even bigger ares with tons going on, and San Andreas only loads once when you start it up (and when you start a mission, but that doesn’t count). Steambot has noticeably better visuals than any GTA game, but that’s no excuse. Shadow of the Colossus is one of the most beautiful and expansive PS2 games going and it never has to load. Yeah, it suffers very heavily from lag, but it still never has to load. Steambot lags every once in a while too. Tell me why you had to have so damn many long load screens, Irem!
Probably the worst part of it all is once you enter a city. The field areas are nigh empty and they have to load on every new map. The cities are full of moving people, and cars. It gets really ugly, to say the least. Not only do you have extended load screens when you enter the cities, but they’re sliced up (invisibly, there aren’t walls or anything) into districts, and you have to wait for a regular load screen each time you move to a new one. Getting across town should take twenty seconds. Instead it takes about a whole minute. It doesn’t help that while in town, your trotmobile moves automatically and observes all the rules of the road, even red lights.
There isn’t much to say about it, but I really hate the fact that Steambot Chronicles is so easy. I mean, the way the game works, if it were any harder, it would immediately cross the line into frustrating town, but I’d like a little challenge.
To be fair, the game isn’t a total cakewalk. Some arena-dwelling trot riders are skilled at their trade and took me down a couple times, but it was nothing a huge steel trident couldn’t fix. The “boss” robots, on the other hand, are complete jokes. They’re gigantic, elaborate trotmobiles that look nothing like standard trots. Most of them are covered in turrets and/or spikes. None of them ever had a chance. Once you identify their weapon and how to avoid it, they’re just big piles of scrap metal. It’s even worse if you’ve got ranged weapons equipped, because then you don’t even have to worry about those, as you can just sit back and fire away to victory.
I think maybe the problem is that if you understand the game and it’s mechanics, you’ll always end up having the proper frames for the job. Some enemies are near impossible to defeat without the right weapons, but it doesn’t take long to figure out just where each enemy’s weaknesses are. Not that they have actual weak points (to which you would be able to cause massive damage), but there’s always a hole in their strategy somewhere. Strong enemies are usually slow, and you just run behind them, smack ’em and repeat. Smaller enemies don’t often pose a huge threat as far as attack power goes, so you can run in and ruin their shit before they can get a move in. Like I said, the only enemies that come hard are the trot riders you face in the arenas, and even then it’s just a matter of figuring out their gimmick and stamping it out.
Well, I tried, but I can’t come up with any more bad points. At least nothing bad enough that it could be drawn out over a couple paragraphs. We’re just gonna have to face it, Steambot Chronicles just isn’t that bad a game. It’s actually quite enjoying and relaxing. It’s kind of like Harvest Moon meets Animal Crossing meets Hulk: Ultimate Destruction meets Robot Alchemic Drive. Now you think it sounds pretty neat, don’t you? Yeah. It is a pretty neat game. I know I couldn’t recommend it to just anybody, but there is a respectable fanbase behind it, so it’s not like I’m the only one.
Like I said, it’s pretty relaxing, which basically means slow=paced, so if you’re an action freak, maybe steer clear. But if you like something you can just pop in and play at your own pace, then Steambot Chronicles could be just for you. If you liked sailing in the Wind Waker, you’ll probably enjoy this one, because there’s a lot of back-and-forth over long stretches. Of course, there’s more in between destinations in Steambot than there is on WW’s ocean, but I’m just saying, there’s a lot of traveling involved.
In conclusion, since I could think up more [pertinent] good points than bad, I guess I like Steambot Chronicles. Even if it does sound like it’s about steamboats if you’re not paying attention. If I were ranking it with a school-type letter grade, I guess it’d be a C+. It’s definitely passable and meeting my expectations, but it could most certainly try harder. Assuming Irem fixes, at the very least, all that loading, I think Bumpy Trot 2 could be a real contender. I know I’m looking forward to it, and maybe you should try out the first one while I wait.
Got a wad of cash thanks to my many, many relatives, and with it, I finally got a DVD drive for my PC. Not only that, but my very own Best Buy incompetence story as well! I’m so happy to finally have one of these.
Sales guy (we’ll call him Jim): Looking for anything specific?
Ryan: Yeah, I’m looking to pick up a DVD drive.
Jim: That’s cool. They’ve really come down in price. They used to be like $400.
Ryan: Yes, I know.
Jim: So what are you getting it for?
Ryan: Um… playing DVDs? Burning stuff? (to self:) What else do you do with them?
Jim: Cool cool. So they’re all pretty much the same. They’re all internal, they all do dual-layer, what-have-you.
Ryan: What about this one? I think it’s external. *points to an $80 Sony drive that’s clearly external*
Jim: Wha? *Looks at the tag that says internal, and then the box, and the tag again* Well… That’s fucked up. That tag is wrong. Huh. Well if you have any more questions, just ask.
At this point he walks away and I continue to mull over which drive to buy. About a minute later, he comes back.
Jim: Well, that’s definitely wrong. And also, the price on that one is actually $170, not $80. *rips out the tag*
Ryan: Huh. Way to be organized.
I don’t think there are many things that are as entertaining as stories about how Best Buy fucked up. Oh, and while I was there, my brother was looking for a cellphone, so my mom asked this one guy for help, and he said he’d go get someone who knew about cellphones. They waited five minutes, and after no one had shown up, they just left.
