Category: Foodstuffs

I won’t be saved

It should be pretty well known that the United States get far more preferential treatment over Canada when it comes to material goods. Take Rock Band for example. Those cock-loving jackoffs over at EA decided to delay the release of the game in Canada for over a month so that they could ship more units throughout the States. I still haven’t got a copy, and I’m pissed, but that’s besides the point.

The more pressing matter is that the USA gets far more goodies than we do over in Canadaland. While they’re rolling in Crunch Berries and Cookie Crisps, we’re lucky to see a box of Lucky Charms on the shelves of our supermarkets. Cereals are jsut the tip of the iceberg too. We miss out on the most wonderful types of ice creams, cookies, chips, and all sorts of other junk food. During our most recent trip to the States, we found the following chocolatey treasures: Oreo Cakesters.

Honestly, I don’t know, these might be available somewhere in Canadia, but I’ve never seen them, and I’ve searched quite fervently for them. You see, Oreo Cakesters are awesome. They’re delicious sandwiches made of little puffs of chocolate with vanilla creme in the middle and oh oh oh I can’t even begin to describe them properly. They’re so soft and puffy, they just melt in your mouth. I only wish I had squirreled away a couple boxes for days like today that seem to exist solely to wear away at my soul.

Errr… Yeah, I suppose that’s it. It’s like… cookies. There really isn’t that much to say about them other than that I wish I was eating them right now.

Bad to the… crust

I don’t mean to destroy what little faith you may have in my ability to make posts for 25 days in a row, but it would seem that I’m already running low on on-hand material. Oops. I guess I’ll have to consign some of these posts to less significant/expensive goods. Perhaps some will actually be Christmas related? Well, maybe I’ll start on those types of items today!

Christmas, in addition to being a time where people go out and spend as much money as possible to make sure their family loves them, is also a time for delicious feasts! Yeah, most holidays call for feasts which may have some air of deliciousness to them, but Christmas has always been the most appetizing holiday to me. This can probably be attributed almost completely to my dad’s mom, who pulls out all the stops when it comes to baking when Christmastime comes around. Cookies, cakes, pies – all the goodies you can ever imagine! And so many of them! So that’s why I’m categorizing the following item as “Christmassy” when at a glance it clearly is not.

Pumpkin cheesecake. Oh yes. Oh yes. OH YES.

There are two things about me that everyone in my family knows: 1) I love pumpkin pie and 2) I love cheesecake. So pumpkin cheesecake? Why not? Trouble is, things are never as sweet as you dream them.

The pumpkin cheesecake had two major flaws. For one, and I did not notice this until it was too late, it was infused with pecans. Let me put this as bluntly as I can: I fucking hate nuts. They have a horrible history of ruining perfectly good baking, and while cheesecake isn’t necessarily “baking”, this is no exception. For reasons I will explain in the next paragraph, I could barely taste the bilious pecans, but they messed up the texture of the cheesecake. When I eat cheesecake, I want it to melt in my mouth. I don’t want big gross lumps of hard in there. It completely ruined the experience for me, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look another pumpkin cheesecake in the eye again, even if it is sans pecan.

The other big problem here is that while this particular product is supposed to harness the powers of cheesecake and pumpkins, it tastes like neither. I don’t know, maybe I got a defective one, but the thing was totally overspiced. Every bite was like pouring a cup of ginger into my mouth. Not a pleasant taste in the least. There was a little cheesecake in there somewhere, but it wasn’t nearly enough to save it. By the time I was halfawy done with the cheesecake (I paid like $6 for it, I was damn well going to finish it!), I was already cringing at the thought of eating any more. I never cringe at the thought of sweets. Never.

Only now do I realize that the purpose of posting every day until Christmas was to recommend a bunch of stuff, but I guess that’s gone to hell now. I cannot in good consience tell anyone that eating this pumpkin cheesecake is a good idea. Maybe some other company produces a good pumpkin cheesecake, but the President’s Choice brand is utter crap. I did not enjoy it in the least, and almost almost regret my purchase. The only positive is that I got a pretty easy blog post out of it.

I didn’t get to be with you

I was out on a Slurpee/junk food run a couple weeks ago, and I noticed a rather odd little treat in the impulse candy pile on the counter. It was a small basket full of tiny little… powdered donuts? Yep. Well, maybe not so much. They looked like tiny powdered donuts, but the fact of the matter is that they were marshmallows impersonating donuts.

For only a quarter a piece, I suppose it would have been impossible for me to resist buying at least one to sate my curiosity. The three available flavours included blueberry, strawberry, and lemon. I grabbed one randomly, and breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t lemon.

You know, now that I’ve finished that last paragraph, I can’t help but feel that maybe I could have done a better job scaling the little thing. I mean, a DS card is a good comparison point (everyone’s got a DS), but only now does it become so obvious that a quarter would have been the best item to use for scale. Because they cost a quarter. It would have made me look clever. The only thing Ouendan 2 does is give me geek cred.

I could have eaten 7-11’s entire supply of these stupid things, and I don’t think I would have ever gotten over the fact that it’s a marshmallow. It’s not actually powdery or anything, but my brain would not switch off the idea that it wasn’t actually going to be a donut. Twice did I bite the thing, and twice was I completely thrown off by the marshmallow.

Psychological trickery aside, it wasn’t bad. I mean, marshmallow is closer to the bottom of the list of my favourite substances to ingest, but the jelly contained within was a joyful treat that made up for the otherwise bland marshmallow exterior. If you absolutely love marshmallows and jelly, I suppose these would rock your world. Otherwise I’d say to spend your quarters on arcade machines, because they’re on the brink of extinction, and you’ve gotta savour playing Metal Slug in an arcade cabinet while you still can.

Put your hands up!

The (almost) greatest breakfast sandwich ever:

  • Slice of buttered bread
  • A layer of bacon (each layer would be 2-3 strips)
  • A fried egg
  • Slice of cheese
  • Second layer of bacon
  • Second Fried Egg
  • Another slice of cheese
  • Third layer of bacon
  • Slice of buttered bread
  • Strip of bacon on top (hold it on with a toothpick for class)

Yes, it’s simple, but it’s awesome. I suppose you could mix it up a bit with some sort of condiment (I like to lightly pepper the eggs), but it’s still officially a work in progress. I intend to perfect this sandwich in the near future. Bigger! Badder! More bacon! Expect to hear about it when I have, or maybe not because I’ll have died from a heart attack. Hey, you’ve gotta suffer for your art.

This song’s about anal

I got a frightening E-mail the other day, letting me know that Pandora would no longer be providing its service to Canadian interwebbers. I thought it was just a really bad joke, but it turns out it’s true. This makes sadness. I’m sure there’s some crazy garbage I could shove into one of my web browsers that would keep the site from detecting my location, but then I remembered that I have well over 25 gigabytes of music on my hard drive, and my CD count is coming around to about 200. So yeah. I’ll miss the occasional new bands that I like (gotta thank Pandora for Gary Hoey and The Pink Spiders), but overall, I guess sticking iTunes on random play is more than good enough to fill the void.

I knew he’d mention them eventually, but I beat Matt to the Shrek Snickerses by one day! So check that out to see what someone who knows how to work a camera thinks of them.

All the old people on the internet have really been abuzz this week. Why? Apparently everyone in the world already knew that ActRaiser is an awesome game, and they’re just delighted that it’s shown up on the Virtual Console. Me? I tried the ROM once, died and gave up. Turns out I missed out on a wicked game.So I plunked down the 800 or whatever Wii Points it cost, and I’ve got to say it’s my best purchase yet. Tecmo Bowl notwithstanding, in three days, it’s already the Virtual Console game I’ve spent the most time with, and considering I’ve got Super Mario 64, StarFox 64, and A Link to The Past on there, that’s really saying something. But yeah, ActRaiser is an Enix game, so of course it’s awesome. I’m hoping for maybe some Wonder Project J in the future… or even better – a new Wonder Project specifically for Wii! But God forbid Square-Enix makes a sequel to a totally original game when they can keep inundating the industry with more and more Final Fantasy garbage (and occasional Dragon Quest goodness).

Baby I’m on fire

You’ve probably all seen that ridiculous Shrek-endorsed peanut butter M&Ms commercial. You know the one. Yeah. That dumb one where nothing really happens. The thing they fail to mention is that Shrek slapped his face on far more candy than M&Ms. Like this Snickers bar with “Green Shrek Filling”.

Yes, I’m completely incompetent with a camera, but you should be well aware of that by now.

Despite its intense blurriness, the Snickers is, predictably, the exact same as a regular Snickers bar. Only difference is that some of the delicious insides are coloured green. And I actually had to preen away most of the rest of the bar to get as much green in that pic as I did, because there’s very little of it in there. I’m not going to complain though. I bought it mostly because I love Snickers, and only a little because I wanted to eat a Snickers with green on the inside.

Knock knock knock, before you enter

I was supposed to be heading out to the cottage this morning, but since my brother had to work until 4, the trip has been postponed for a couple hours. That means time for blogging!

Another upside to the extra time is that I was finally able to convince myself to sit down and watch Pan’s Labyrinth. I am now ashamed that it took me so many days to do so. Pan’s Labyrinth is not at all the kind of movie I normally watch, as it has a good plot, good actors, and no zombies. It’s also entirely in Spanish. But little things aside, I totally agree with everyone who gave it stars of approval. It’s a fantastic movie, with so very very much imagination and tenison and emotion and all those other good things. It’s a little on the predictable side, but then again, 97% of all movies are completely predictable. It seems that the only thing people care to do after seeing a movie is to point out its flaws, so I’m not even going to try to think of anything I didn’t like about the movie. My friends do more than enough bitching and whining about every movie under the sun to make up for my lack thereof, so don’t worry, it all balances out in the end.

Also! I guess it’s probably been around for a couple weeks now, but on Thursday I discovered that McDonald’s is pormoting a new Shrek-themed milkshake. It’s notable because it’s the Shamrock Shake! Well, sort of.

I guess to call the… whatever they call it… a Shamrock Shake would be inaccurate. But it does taste startlingly close to the minty goodness of the retired (in most places, but especially in Canada) St. Patty’s Day shake. The only difference is that in addition to the delicate mint flavouring, there’s also a tinge of chocolate in there as well, making it that much more special. In any case, it’s probably the closest I’m ever going to get to the delicious Shamrock Shake in my lifetime, and it’s likely not going to last long either, so I’m treasuring the motherfuckers like they’re gold. Sweet, minty, gold. Damn. I should probably be buying one right now. Maybe when I’m done with this post…

I think the last thing I have to mention today is that last Friday was declared “National Pick On Ryan Day” at Toys ‘R’ Us. Which is stupid, because if it’s only recognized by a select few girls/women at a single store, how can it possibly be “National”? But yeah, in all seriousness, it was pretty much the same as every other day, in that they like to pick on me all the time anyway. I guess I didn’t mind the extra attention though. Any day when girls talk to me on purpose is a good day.

You’re dead

And your doubts about how awesome Super Paper Mario is are now gone.

So anyhow, ummm… I dunno. I finally bought The Black Parade. I still don’t like “Welcome To The Black Parade”, but the album as a whole is pretty darn good. In fact, all the other songs are good. Figures though. Singles these days seem to often be the weakest songs a band has to offer. Also, you know, Wikipedia telling me the thing was majorly influenced by Queen (favourite band ever) was really the deciding factor there. Certainly wins a lot of points for that one.

I got some deformed Peeps. don’t know what to say. Better deforemd than retarded though, right?

What have you done?

Yet again I have to suffer the consequences of looking like an idiot because I shot my mouth off before really having any idea what I was talking about.

Well, I suppose it’s not all that bad, but the sad reality of it all is that Chick Chick Boom is not actually Wii-friendly. Sadly, the Internet Channel’s Flash player isn’t advanced enough to run the game, and now I feel kind of dumb. It’s still a cool game though, and we can only assume that it will indeed run on the full version of the Internet Channel. And speaking of that, where is it? I was hoping that when they said “April” they meant “April 1st or 2nd” but it seems like we’re gonna have to hold out a little bit longer. Though now that I’ve bitched about it, it’ll probably show up tomorrow morning just to spite me. Or get delayed some more.

You know what I really like? Ham. Just for the sake of mixing things up a little, I’m going to tell a little story about the best ham ever. Basically what happened was the family went out to my grandparents’ cottage for dinner and visiting on Friday, and the main attraction of this particular feast was a beautiful ham. The first cool thing about it was that it was pre-sliced, like bread! It was a half-assed slicing job at best, but pre-sliced ham is a new technology, so we’ve gotta give ’em a little slack until they perfect it. Anyhow, the ham on its own was without a doubt the most delicious ham that has ever graced my lips. It was so full of flavour, and the skin was glazed with what must have been angel tears. But it gets better: the ham came with a second optional glaze, and holy cow was it the best thing ever. After applying even just a tiny bit of the cinnamony glaze, the ham tasted like friggin’ candy. That’s right. Ham candy. Candy ham. It’s like God himself decided to answer my fondest prayer.

The only bad thing is that I may never see such a ham again, because my grandpa bought it on a whim whilst on a shopping trip under orders from my grandma to “buy a ham that looks good”. Needless to say, he wasn’t really paying attention to which ham he picked, so the brand is a complete mystery. Despite this little setback, I do have faith that one day, I and the most delicious ham ever will be reunited, and all will be right in the universe, if only for a little while.

Who’ll be the lonely one?

Alright, let’s see. Got a few small reviews and random thoughts to round up today. Let’s start off with movies.

Saw Reno 911!: Miami on the weekend with a couple friends. I thoroughly enjoyed it in its entirety, despite copious/unnecessary amounts of man-ass. It had some incredibly hilarious moments (“No immunity to bullets!”), and featured plenty of actors that I like. I really liked seeing Patton Oswalt in a big role, and Paul Rudd is always welcome in my media. David Koechner should have seen more screen time though. Also, this movie has what is probably my very favourite use of The Rock. I never watch the show, but after this I may just start.

Before I started typing this post, I finally got around to watching Little Miss Sunshine, which has been sitting around the house for like a week now. Unexpectedly, I also really liked this one. I don’t know what it was about it, but I found it a really great movie. My interest didn’t wane at all throughout, and that’s always a good indicator, because I usually get bored with movies halfway through and start doing something else while they play in the background. But I digress. Steve Carell obviously provided an outstanding performance, but the rest of the cast is no less noteworthy, though I’m far too lazy to note them all. That’s why the link is there, people! To sum it up quickly, the climax is great, and any scene with Grandpa is a winner.

Oh, right, I bought Trailer Park Boys: The Movie back when it came out. After watching it a second time, I have to conclude that it is by far and wide the best movie I saw last year. Far and wide, my friends.

I’m trying to will up a couple articles here. It’s been a real long time. Both pretty standard topics for this site, but I won’t say what yet. Frankly, I’ve probably doomed them to non-existence by even mentioning them, so let’s forget about those for now. Just enjoy the long-winded blog posts for the time being.

It’s been on the radio for like forever now, but only two days ago, I finally heard “Welcome To The Black Parade” for the first time. Holy shit, was I ever disappointed. Everyone I’ve talked to about it likes it so much, but being a fan of MCR’s old work, I just can’t get behind it. I guess it was good that I held off on buying the CD before I listened to it. I’ll definitely have to illegally download the album before I make any sort of financial commitment to it.

Speaking of music, I heard Guster‘s “Satellite” playing over the PA at work the other day. This is notable because the music that plays at work generally consists of crap and Elton John. It was nice to hear a good song (aside from “Rocket Man” and “Tiny Dancer”) for once. What was not nice was an atrocious cover of “Maybe I’m Amazed”. I know a lot of people/bands have covered that particular song (but really, how do you even think you can compare to Paul McCartney?), but the one I heard was more a farce of the song than a tribute. It makes baby Jesus cry.

Somebody please read this article at X-E and tell me if it’s any good. I’ve tried to read it like three times now, but always end up getting a craving for cheeseburgers and abandoning it to go on a cheeseburger run and then forgetting about it. It’s a serious problem.

An amendment to yesterday’s post: the song “Begin Again From The Beginning” from the album Welcome The Night is a very Ataris song, even if the rest of the album sounds like a completely different band. Just thought I should mention that.

Okay, I think that about finishes up everything I have to say. Wario: Master of Disguise drops today, and I’ve been praying for a platforming Wario game for a good five-odd years now, so I’m probably going to be a little tied up with that this week. Posting may not happen for a bunch of days, but expect thoughts – possibly review – upon completion.