Category: Foodstuffs

Hey, remember last summer when I was writing about those limited-time Doritos that claimed to be the spiciest ones, and came in three different levels of heat? Yeah, those ones. Since I’d decided to pick up each different kind on separate occasions, I was made the victim of some sort of conspiracy to make it seem as if the third tier of these special Doritos had never existed. Of course, the bags of lesser hotness themselves touted the “3rd degree burn” variety, but when the time came to give those 3rds a try, I could not for the life of me find a bag to purchse. I searched high and low, but was forced to write them off as a lost-forever.

Imagine my elation upon finding that 7-11 had begun to stock the Scorchin’ Habanero exclusively.

I’ll admit that I’m not certain of whether or not the 3rds were the only member of the Burn family to be restocked this year, but I don’t rightly care. As far as I’m concerned they should be the only ones to make a return, after their mysterious disappearance last time this promotion ran.

For all I know the 7-11 I’ve been visiting lately just lost the box last year, recently found it, and are now trying to get rid of the crusty old stock. That “AU 21” best before date very conveniently omits a year.

Getting down to brass tacks, I think I may have been a bit of a whiny baby last year, because I refuse to believe that the 2nd Degree was as hot as the 3rd. If you go back and read that post about the 2nds, you’ll see that I typed that they were so hot that I could not eat them all in a single sitting. When eating the 3rds, I had the same problem! It actually took me three runs at the bag to get them all down this time. I think I’d need to try both again, but at the same time to come to a definitive conclusion.

The other travesty here is that aside from the weclome spiciness challenge, I didn’t really like them all that much. Much like the jalapeno of the 1st Degree, I wasn’t really won over by the habanero flavour. I’d eat them again if they were to be offered as a snack or small gift, but I wouldn’t buy them again. Well, aside from the aforementioned spiciness comparison. For science and all.

If I had to choose one Degree to be the overall winner, I’d have to go with the 2nds. Since it’s been so long since I’ve eaten the two lesser varieties, I’m making an assumption based on anecdotal evidence, which doesn’t seem overly professional. If it’s my own anecdote though, it should be all right though, yes?

In other news, that Slurpee is of a “mystery” flavour (one of those stupid “name the flavour” contests). It’s orange. Orange with a little something mixed in at best. I solved the mystery, gimme the prize.

As a homeowner and husband, I’ve recently been forced to learn how to use a kitchen. Not that I have a problem with that. Cooking has always been something I’ve been interested in, but never bothered to pursue at any length. Prior to the last couple weeks, most of my food preparation skills points had been allotted to toast and Kraft Dinner. Also chocolate strawberry banana pancakes, that one time.

Now I’m branching out little by little, and I’m starting to learn things about making foods that are not associated mostly with single men. Nothing super facny so far, mostly just learning to not ruin the premade stuff that has a more complicated heating process than “microwave = win.” So yeah. Most of my accomplishments can be summed up now by “put stuff into boiling water and wait.”

But! Last week I did something a little more elaborate. And by that, I mean I put stuff in boiled water and pan-fried some beef. Aaah yeah. Here’s a picture of what I did.

I’m very proud of this dish. Not only because I found it edible, but because The Wife also really enjoyed it. So mission accomplished there. I guess I’m pretty happy that rice is so easy to cook too. I can’t think of any examples, but I seem to recall hearing many people over my life claim that rice is hard to get right. But I  did it. On my first try. It’s as easy as reading the back of the box!

The beef, I went a little crazy on. I popped it up on the frying pan and tossed a little water and butter in there to give it a little smoothness. I’m sure there’s a term for this, but I have no idea what it is. I actually made this meal two days in a row, too. The second time around I dribbled a bit of soya sauce into the pan as well, in hopes that the beef would absorb the flavour, and then liberally sprinkled some ginger on top to add one final punch. Then I chopped up a few carrots and tossed them in so that the dish would contain some trace of vegetable.

When all was said and done, I globbed on a bunch of sweet & sour sauce, and mixed that baby up. You may think that I put too many flavours into this bad boy, but that’s not the case. Aside from the ginger, each flavour had its place and I can only describe the result as “tasty.” It certainly wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but it was far and away the best thing I’ve ever prepared on my own.

This is a photograph of the worst sandwich I’ve ever had the displeasure of eating. Fortunately, it was crafted by none other than myself, so I don’t have to get on anyone’s case about ruining a sandwich.

The sandwich in question is comprised of four ingredients beyond the requisite bread: turkey, cheese, tomato and mustard. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Not as bad as the last notable sandwich I made anyway. In reality the Pepwich was far more palatable than this beast.

Now, it’s just theory, because I haven’t tried to recreate this thing yet (And why would I? It was awful!) but I think the poor taste of the sandwich was more due to shoddy construction and handling than inappropriate ingredients. The first mistake I made was to put the tomatoes on the top, squished up against the mustarded bread. It’s just theory, but it seemed like the biggest issue in flavour was that the tomato and mustard had a poor combined taste. I claim it as a theory because it’s never been an issue before; I always get tomatoes and mustard on my Subway sandwiches, but here they seemed to work against each other. I mustard any meat-based sandwiches I make, and never has it been a problem when tomato is introduced. But I don’t think I’ve ever made a sandwich where the tomato and mustard touch. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s the only theory I’ve got.

Either that or the tomato had gone bad. It looked fairly fresh though.

The other big issue with the sandwich, and this was a rookie mistake, is that I sat the sandwich tomato-side down in its plastic container. Not an issue when you’re going to consume it right away, but when it’s going to sit until lunchtime? Tomato against bread is going to make for a mushy, disgusting sandwich. It wasn’t the worst soggification I’ve ever suffered, but that one layer of bread was still pretty soggy and gross. Combined with the off taste, it made for an almost inedible sandwich.

The lesson I want you to take away from this story, children, is this: don’t put your tomatoes adjacent to the bread when you make a sandwich. Put them between the meat and cheese. This also applies to pickles, but you have a little leeway there because pickels aren’t as watery as tomoatoes. Also pickles add a lot more to a sandwich than a tomoato will. Tomatoes are best reserved for omelettes and salad.