Summertime is finally dawning upon us here in Canadia, and with summer comes many things. Air conditioning, shorts, yardwork, hot girls in skimpy clothing, fat girls in skimpy clothing, etc etc. I never said they were all good things, did I? One of my favourite things about summertime is that it’s the only time of the year when the ice cream trucks come ’round. Some would say I’m too old for such things, but in my world you’re never too old for ice cream shaped like Wolverine.

While the truck with the horrible old-timey tuneses drive around delivering the primo stuff, most parents tend to go a little cheaper when it comes to frozen goodies. Freezies are a popular pick, as they’re unbelievably cheap (much like a certain mother of yours) and normally come in numbers that would make any mathemagician cum. Wow, that’s two off-colour jokes in one sentence. Anyway, freezies come in many colours and sizes, and while they are a budget snack, they do a good job of it.


I was recently “blessed” with a bit of an oddball pack of freezies. Just look at it. Odd stuff, wouldn’t you say?

Okay, so it’s not that different from most cheapass freezies, but there is plenty to pick at here. And pick I shall. The Rocky Mountain Ice Pops are pretty normal at a glance, but if you look closer, you’ll notice many an issue with the innocent little ice pops. Just the front of the package alone will have you scratching your head and poking fun at the artists.


Look at that peach! While one would assume that the fruits are without gender, the peach is clearly a female. A female that needs to cover her shame! Whoever drew the peach must have a plethora of mental issues, not the least of which is clearly a fruit fetish. Hey, that’s actually really fun to say. Fruit fetish fruit fetish fruit fetishshshshhhh. You know, he might have also just been a big Bruce Campbell fan. I mean, I’ve never seen a vag that goes all the way up to a girl’s chin. And I spent six years in Arubastan looking for one.

The other thing worthy of note here is the pineapple. The rest of the fruits seem to be using the ginormous ice pops as skis of some sort (except the peach, who’s totally getting off on the bumpy ride), but the pineapple is placed mysteriously behind the pop-skis. Maybe he’s got a pair of regular skis back there? Maybe he’s riding a small animal? Maybe whoever put this package art together is a sloppy jackass who doesn’t know how to use layers properly? It will riddle human kind for ages.

What you can read clearly says “EXCITING FLAVORS” You’ll see later that this is a Canadian product, so join me now in loathing of improper Canadian spelling of “flavours.” It is important to adhere to regional idioms! I mean, I’ll never pronounce it “leiftenant” (if you want to pronounce it old-world style, spell it old-world style), but I’ll harangue any who don’t add in those extra U’s until the end of my days.

What you can only make tails of says “8 FRUIT FLAVORED ICE BARS.” Another point of demerit for our friends. On the bottom corner it states that the included flavours are orange, cherry, grape, and bubble gum. Okay okay okay WHAAAAAT? I’m no scienceologist, but I have read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica, and it doesn’t say anything about bubble gum being a fruit. And that last sentence will be 100% true if you replace “Encyclopedia Britannica” with “side of a Cheerios box.”

This is the back of the package. I’d talk about stuff on it here, but I have close-ups of everything notable, so I’d better not.

Oh yeah, but just note that the nutritional information is simply a sticker, and not a part of the package itself.

I know they’re called Ice Pops and all, but do you think they need to be frozen? It’s amazing how stupid they assume people are. Just look at this! It mentions not once or twice, but threece that the pops should be frozen before consumption. And you’d think that something so pronounced would be important, but no. The way these things are made, they’re much more enjoyable as an ice-free liquid. Yes they taste a bit better cold but… you know what, I’ll get back to that in a bit.

You know, I’m beginning to think that whoever proofread this package was not in fact a native English-speaker. There’s so much poor grammar here and more typos than even my articles. The lack of and S on “Direction” would signify that there’s only one step, but there are three! You need your esses! Come to think of it, couldn’t steps one and two be condensed into a single step? They basically say the same thing, but add different details.

Awww. Québec? Jeez. No wonder this product is so shoddy.

You also notice a number hiding in the shadows there. 1986. Damn. that means that these things have been in production since… me. Or sometime around there anyway. I don’t believe that this particular package is 20 years old, I just think that those damn lazy frenchies were too busy smoking and crying for separation that they never bothered to update their freezie packages.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m really reaching here. They’re fucking freezies. How much could there possibly be to write about? I only decided to go through with this article because I’m lazy and I already had the pictures (which I took like two weeks prior to this writing). Also because it made for a fun banner.

So check that shit out. An odd shape for a freezie package, no? Yeah it is, and it’s totally impractical too. The thing is (if you read the direction, you’d already know) that you’re supposed to freeze them and then snap ’em in half. Only not in my entire life has one of these damn things worked for me. Unless you freeze it real good, that plastic inn’t gonna snap like you wannit to. Nnnope. Instead, you’ll rip it a little, and some melted stuff will spray out and temporarily blind you and dye your eyes purple so when you an see again everything has a purple tint. Fuck I hate these things. Grape sucks.

Basically the best way to eat freezies so unfortunately packages is to just cut the little top nub off and drink it. Even if you chop it in half while frozen, the bottleneck in the middle makes it so you have to crush the things to get ’em through, unlike normal freezie packaging which lets you just slide it out as far as you like. Worst. Design. Ever.

I don’t have much else to add. At first I hit the S key by accident and typed “add” as “ass.” There really isn’t any good way to go out on such a craptacular article as this. I haven’t really been trying, and it was just a shitty topic to start with. Would have been better in a multi-topic article, I think. But it’s 11:37PM right now, and I promised I’d have an article done by midnight and I still have to do a quick scan for typos. Yeah. That’s all you get. Fuck you.