Oceans of light envelop me

You know what? I’m not even going to bring it up past this short paragraph. It’s not going to happen. It’s just a name. It’s not worth shitting my pants over. (CONTEXT: The name “Wii” was just unveiled)

Now I’ve got a little dilemma. I seem to have forgotten to tell you about the Silent Hill movie, but I also promised I’d share my opinions on Brain Age today. I don’t want to do both, (why waste a good blog post?) so I’ll just have to push Brain Age to tomorrow. Again.

Okay, so Silent Hill. I love the games very dearly, and if you keep up with this blog, you knew that. So obviously I was very psyched about this movie. It also filled me with fear and sadness because as a rule, video game-based movies blow. Silent Hill did not blow, despite what Scott and Tycho may be telling you. I’m going to go on record and say that it’s the best video game movie ever made. In fact, I loved it. There were so many great things about it that I don’t know where to start. I guess the first thing to hit me was that at least half the music in the movie was ripped straight from the first game, or was at least so similar that I can’t tell the difference. Next, the camera work was brilliant, and very reminiscent of the game. Lastly, the “crazy world” parts were very well executed, and made me a very happy Ryan. The base of the story remained mostly the same, and there were some huge changes that kind of irked me, but I won’t spoil anything like that.

The things I didn’t like about it are as follows: 1) I miss Harry Mason. 2) The fact that it was based on the first game, yet featured Pyramid Head (along with his gigantic knife) from SH2 was a little dumb. 3) They totally trivialized the Lisa character. She could have just as well been cut altogether. 4) You know, that’s about it.

One last thing that doesn’t really need mentioning is something that would have scored huge points with me: if they had used the joke ending from the game. Everybody who hadn’t played the game however many times you need to get that ending would be stupified and angry, but I would have loved it. I’m pretty sure anyone else who has earned that ending would agree with me. Here’s hoping they use the SH2 joke ending in the likely sequel. All hail the Dog!

They bought and sold you

It’ll still be a couple days before I try to get back into the swing of things, but I figured that in the meantime, I’d distract you with a little blog rambling. To tell the truth though, I’ve got nothing. Nope, nothing to say. Nothing new anyway. Well, I did find the soundtracks for Baten Kaitos 1 and 2 on eBay about half an hour ago, and it’s taking every ounce of willpower in my body (and then some) to keep from blowing my hosting money on them and having to wait another eight days for new hosting funds to transfer over.

They’ve begun posting weekly videos over at the New Super Mario Bros site. So if you’re interested in that, then you might want to click my little link there.

I’m going to see Silent Hill tonight. As a gigantic fan of the games, I’ll have a very biased blog review tomorrow, assuming nothing gets in my way.

For the Tetris lover in all of us.

I’m a little surprised at how much people seem to hate the PSP. I’m starting to feel bad for the little guy. Did I really just type that?

Lastly, I feel the need to mention that Planet MegaMan is back up after what seems like forever. It’s still slowly recovering piece-by-piece, but it certainly looks spiffy.

We’ve had our fill of Heaven

Okay, good news. I’ve found solutions to all my problems. Some less great than others, but at least… you know what? Only one is a good solution, and that’s deciding to get my own webhost. Currently, I’m leaning toward Topclasshost, but it’ll still be a few days before my cash transfer will be complete, so if anyone spots a better deal in the next 4-5 days, don’t be afraid to give me a holler.

The next thing I’ve decided is about the site’s future. I’ve come to the conclusion that my last blog post was kind of like a mid-life crisis for the site. As such, I’ve decided that since the site is three-and-a-half years old, I will continue with it until it’s at least seven. At that point, it’ll be up in the air, but I promise that I will continue to provide half-baked entertainment until December of 2009.

Lastly, since I’m really not digging the night shift as much as I thought I would (read: at all), I’ve quit my job. It’s sad because I like the work, but I really hate the hours. I don’t feel so bad though, because my cousins go through jobs like Russians through vodka, and me only quitting one job because I don’t like it doesn’t seem so bad in comparison. Anyway, I’ve already come up with a respectable list of places that I know I’d love working at, so we’ll see how that turns out.

But enough about that shit. I’ve got good news! I’ll be posting a good many articles soon after I get set up with wherever I’ll be hosting my site from, with one being a real movie review. Not one of those lousy quickies. Also a handful of video game reviews, including Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel Without A Pulse, and a review of the Tales of Eternia anime series (Because I’m a Tales whore. Seriously. I’m considering getting a PSP for the ToE port, even though I swore to myself that I’d never buy one of the damn things). All this along with some very overdue articles and the rest of the Comedy-Napalm articles. So while there’s been a little slump this month, things are going to get very much better soon. At least for a while. Did anyone suggest the return of weekly articles? I just might consider it…

Argh… One last note: due to inactivity and the whole webhost fiasco, the CN Forums have officially been abandoned. They’ll still be around for a couple months or so, but after that, they’ll be dead. Not like mine, which are still floating around out there somewhere…

The streets are filled with regret

There are three reasons I’ve neglected to post anything over the past week. Firstly, and most dominant of the trio, is that one way or another, I’m going to be moving the site again. Mike has gone and found a new web hosting service, and that means if I’m going to keep blogging on his dollar that I have to move with him. However, I’ve been seriously considering finding my own web host. I’ve been looking around for a bit, and I’ve found one that seems to have all the things I need, so I may very well take my web-fate into my own hands after three and a half years of relying on someone else.

The second reason is that I’ve had no will to write at all lately. I’ve been devoting most of my computer time to Coozy for Hire, and I don’t feel like working on anything else on the computer. I’ve got plenty of things I want to write about or at least give plug in the blog, but this whole graveyard shift business is really taking it out of me. Was everyone who told me it was a bad idea right? Yeah, probably. I still love the work, but the hours are really starting to get to me. Not to mention that I have to start half an hour early every day and manage to get clockblocked for at least twenty mintues every weeknight. That’s just not cool.

The last thing that’s been keeping me astray is thinking about the future. And not just the overall future, but the future of this website. Like what the hell am I going to do with it when I’m done? Will I just let my hosting run out and let it become nothing than a memory? When am I going to decide to call it quits? Am I going to be able to let go or will I kep updating until I die because I don’t want to just throw away something I’ve invested so much time and effort into? Why do I bother doing it all anyway? I get no significant pleasure from writing, and nobody really visits anyway. These thoughts are driving me bonkers, and have helped chop away at my zeal for webmastering. So I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but likely I’ll get a rush of enthusiasm if I get my own webhosting, like I did when I escaped the clutches of Angelfire. Anyway, we’ll just see, and you can expect that I’ll update you whenever something related to any of these issues happens.

TE Top 10: Worst Things to be Reincarnated As

I was on my way out of the crapper the other day – which is where all geniuses come up with their best ideas – and a random thought came to my head. What kind of things would I dislike to be reincarnated as? Personally, I’m a Catholic so I don’t believe in reincarnation, but there’s been a lot of examination of Eastern religions in my history classes, so I’m being exposed to the idea a lot more than usual. Generally, the idea is accompanied by the karma system. If you’ve never heard of it, karma is basically brownie points for your next life. You do good stuff, you get good karma. Do bad shit, and it’s into the bad karma you go. When you die, the quality of your next life is directly proportional to your amount of karma. This quality of life is decided by what you get turned into. Since many Eastern and Native American religions believe that everything in existence is alive and has a spirit/soul, you could theoretically be reincarnated as anything.

Now I’m a pretty good person, so if all this stuff is how it really goes down, I’ve got faith that I’ll have an acceptable next life. However, at the time, I was pondering the things that I would least like to come back as. Turns out there are lots of things I’d never want to be, so I narrowed it down to a short list of ten. I’ve got some pretty good reasons for most of them, even if they only sound like good reasons to me.

~The Nintendo 64 Dynamic Drive~

Some would call it a failure. Some would be right. But you know, it’s not really the DD’s fault. I did a little research, and as far as I can tell, it only really failed because the N64 was on its deathbed, and distributors didn’t want to bother trying to hock the thing. So it was only available through mail-order. The thing sounded like it had potential (much like the SNES Satellaview thingy), but was released way to late to see the world of success. So if I think the thing had potential, why wouldn’t I want to be it? Because it had potential. Not making sense? Let’s put it this way: I wouldn’t want to be something that could be awesome, but failed miserably because my success was in someone else’s hands. No thank you. I’ve had enough shattered dreams in this life.

~United States President George W. Bush~

Do I really have to explain this one? I know there are more people who like him than hate him (unless the polls are rigged), in his country at least, but I’d still have to take that kind of criticizm. Heck, while we’re at it, I wouldn’t want to be any celebrity. As much as I’ve fantasized about being famous, I’d hate to be under the public eye all the time. I’d hate to have every person in the world judging every single thing I do, exploiting every mistake I make, tuned into every facet of my life. That, and I could never bear the responsibility of being in charge of a whole country. I’m barely qualified to be in charge of doing the dishes. But then again, neither is he.

~The Nokia N-Gage~

Seriously, does anyone like this thing? Because I’ve never heard of one. Not personally anyway. Hearsay isn’t exactly the most credible source around. Even with the N-Gage QD redesign or whatever it is, the thing is stupid. For one, the screen is vertical. Maybe for the phone half, but not for games. Next off, are there any games for it? What, Tomb Raider and some racing game? Yeah. Killer library. If you need some kind of do-it-all gadget, get a PSP. Sure it’s got no phone, but at the very least you can load it with SNES and GameBoy ROMs. And it does have a couple good games of its own. I guess.

~Badass Internet Hero Maddox~


Don’t read into this too quickly. I’m a huge fan of Maddox. I won’t follow his words blindly like some, but I do enjoy his work. The satire is always razor-sharp and he does an excellent job of making fun of two-bit hacks like me. So why wouldn’t I want to be him? For one, he lives in friggin’ Salt Lake City. Eeeew, Utah. Nextly, because of his notoriety, he probably get the most hate mail ever. And finally, he updates maybe once a month, and the fan mail demanding new content is apparently pretty bad. Since I update like once every billion years, I imagine that it would be infintely worse for me. I wouldn’t really hate being Maddox, I just don’t think I’d be able to keep up with the reputation.

~My computer~


The machine itself has got the parts of a winner. A third-placer at least. But with God as my witness, no piece of technology has ever has as many issues as my computer. That thing is the physical manifestation of… something really unreliable and prone to breaking. To be fair, all the electronics in my house seem to be under some horrible curse, but my computer takes as much for the team as he can. Or maybe it just really pissed off some evil spirits. I can’t explain it, but the thing has spent more time being repaired and getting operating systems reinstalled than it has being in working condition. It’s a pity, really. Pity, pity, pity….

~The Catman – Peter Criss~


A hero of mine once said it best:

“Nobody wants to be Peter Criss, not even Peter Criss.”

~A goldfish~


My life is pretty routine. I wake up, eat, go to school/play video games, eat, play video games, eat, internet, eat, and sleep. But for fark’s sake, I could not just swim in circles all day. After two days I’d be begging for my owner to overfeed me so I could meet my tasty demise before I went insane. You may think the whole “goldfish only have a memory of a few seconds” thing might have something to do with it, but they proved that was false on Mythbusters a long time ago. One cool thing I learned while looking up… stuff… is that goldfish are actually a mutation of carp. The more you know!

~Toilet paper~


Come on. Really? You need me to explain this? A comic once pondered if toilet paper feels lucky when it gets used as a hankie. Do you really have to wonder about it? In the end (no pun intended), the only half-decent outcome for a piece of toilet paper is to be used as bandages for a low-budget mummy.

~Underpants. Specifically, men’s underpants~


Like it says, I would hate to be underpants. Men’s or women’s, I don’t care. Sure, every straight, red-blooded man has at one time wished to be a hot chick’s underpants, but it can’t possibly be all fun and games. Especially on days when she isn’t expecting to… “perform”, if you know what I men. There’s the whole fish business, and I can’t stand fish. Then let’s remember that chicks fart too, and they can’t always wipe it all away after a visit to the ladies’ room. Really, it’s not a place you wanna be in for extended periods of time. And I shouldn’t have to explain why I don’t wanna be a dude’s underpants. Even if I were gay. Think about it. Would you want to be rubbing up against a gross, hairy ass all day? On second thought, don’t think about it.

~Leopold “Butters” Stotch~


Yeah, Butters is my favourite character on South Park, but there’s no way in Hell I would ever want to be him. Butters is the biggest patsy in the history of comedy. Or anything for that matter. Butters has the luck of… well, he’s got even worse luck than me. Even I manage to catch a lucky break every now and again, but poor Butters always get the short end of the stick. You can’t help but feel sorry for the little guy, for as many bad things happen to him, he’s always just trying to help out or be a good friend. Whatever he did to deserve such a fate, we may never know, but what I do know is that I want to have no part in it.

And that’s the list. As you can tell, I went through the trouble of thinking out of the box a little. Yeah, any old idiot could say that they don’t want to be reincarnated as a pooper scooper, but it takes a little more effort to come up with a list like mine, and with half-decent reasons to not want to be those things. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that until you come up with your own list, I’m better than you.

Show me all the things that I could be

I’ve just finished uploaing a new article. Kind of… Well, you’ll see when you get there.

That aside, I need to mention that I recently acquired the soundtracks to Baten Kaitos and Baten Kaitos 2. Amazing soundtracks, and I heartliy recommend you download them if you like video game music. Motoi Sakuraba kicks Nobuo Uematsu’s ass anyday. ANY. DAY. Mainly, you need to check out the guitar versions of the battle themes. They will melt your face like never before. Also, Baten Kaitos is a pretty sweet game, so you should look into that. The sequel is supposed to come out this summer sometime, and I’m getting pretty hyped about it. So yeah, that’s pretty much what I needed to say. Later.

I hate socks

I hate socks. You know that? Well now you do. It’s not really a well-known fact that I don’t hate many things. Hell, I rarely even get truly mad at anything. I may get worked up about certain issues every once in a while, but I always tend to cool off after a minute or so. My philosophy is that nothing good can come of anger, so I do my best to keep it to a minimum. This is kinda hard for me because when I was a kid I threw fits of rage all the time, and short fuses seem to run in my family.

Anyhow, back to the task at hand. There are three things in the world that I hate with so much passion. These things are socks, when people take stuff from me without asking, and computers. While the last is really a love/hate issue, and the second is the one thing that makes me blow up, socks are really more of a passive hatred for me. See, socks don’t necessarily anger me, but they do cause me more grief and annoyance than even my greatest foe. So much do they bother me, that I really don’t know where to start.

I guess that since I do have to pick somewhere to begin, that we’ll go with the most obvious choice, and that would be how I hate putting them on. One of the biggest issue I have with socks is that they’re cumbersome to equip. They’re not like a shirt which you can just pull on, or pants which you can simply hop into. No. When it comes to socks, you’ve gotta take a seat and reach all the damn way down to your feet to get ’em on. This may not be as troublesome for some of you, but for a well-rounded man like myself, it can be quite a pain. I just can’t imagine how tough it must be for people who are actually fat. The other thing about them is that you have to align them correctly. I know some socks aren’t as shaped as others, but most socks are supposed to be put on in a certain way, which takes even more time, and if you manage to botch it, you either have to do it all over again or walk around with an uncomfortable sock all day.

The next thing I hate most about socks is that you have to wear them. They’re not optional like a hat or gloves. No, socks are required if you plan to go anywhere. Sure, you can squeak by with sandals on occasion, but those are only good in the summer, and I find sandals to be uncomfortable and unfashionable, so it’s hardly worth it to get out of wearing socks. People are out there wasting their time inventing crap we have no need for like tiny little music players, when the real thing they should be researching is shoes that can be worn without socks. Trust me, I’ve tried going around without socks, but all that accomplishes is ruining your shoes and creating an terrible odor. The lack of socks causes the sweat produced by your feet to get stuck to the inside of the shoes, making them harder to remove, and ruining the soles. Then as an added “bonus”, the sweat had some kind of poor reaction with the shoes, making both the foot and the shoe extra-smelly. Actually, this is beginning to sound like reasons why you should wear socks, so I’ll move on to more anger.

Another thing I hate, related to the point above, is that socks are annoying to wear. Just think about it. You get home from a long day, and all you want to do is rip off your socks and put your feet up. The problem with this is that once you take them off, you’re done for the day. There’s no going back, and if you do, you’re gonna have to go through the big deal or re-applying the socks. And probably a new pair at that, as putting on not-fresh socks is even worse than usual, as they’re already all sweaty and gross. Sure, if you’d just left them on you’d probably never notice the grossness, but when you put used socks back on, you notice that gross. You know you’ve been there. The greatest part about this article is that it can speak to everyone. I’m sure that everything I mention here is something that everyone’s dealt with. You may not have had as much of a problem with it as I do, but you know you’ve been there.

The final thing I have to complain about is probably the worst. Wet socks. Wet socks are the fucking bane of my existence. Nothing makes me more irritable than wet socks. It’s the closest I’ll ever come to knowing what those women are going through during their periods, and I’m sure you agree that wet socks are like the worst thing ever. Not only are they uncomfortable as hell, but for the most part, you don’t get wet socks in a situation where you’re gonna be able to remove them right away. No. It always seems to happen when you’re gonna be having the shoes on for an extended period of time. Then you have to slog around all day with wet feet, and chances are that the experience will make you bitter, which will in turn make you lash out at everyone else, bringing them down as well. Wet socks aren’t good for anyone. To top it all off, socks are like ten thousand percent harder to remove when wet, like any clothing. It’s like they know they’re torturing you and don’t want it to end. Fucking socks.

And that’s pretty much it. With all of the points above, you can more than likely see why I hate socks with a passion, and you’re probably gonna be able to relate as well. Socks are just a pain in the ass, and believe you me, when I’m a bajillionaire web celebrity, I’m going to devote a good amount of time and money to finding a way to eliminate the need for socks entirely. And after that, maybe I’ll work on cancer or world hunger or something. Because I’m all about helping people. After I’ve helped myself, anyhow.

There will be an answer, let it be

It’s been a while since I announced that I’d be writing a new article, and to be honest, I still haven’t done it. On the upside, I did write a totally different one out of the blue. While it’s not a boring video game review, it is basically a 1400+ word sales pitch and an excuse to make a really flippin’ sweet banner. I did try to work some wit similar to that found at WWTDD into it, so if you enjoy that site, then you should maybe read my crappy article. Or give me money! That’s a great idea!

Begging aside, I did a little work to improve the unity of the site, and now the menu bar at the top of (most of) the article pages is all blue rather than red, and the articles page has also turned blue. Red and black is so overdone, and I want my site to look a little original. Also, I want it to look like all the pages belong together, so making the colour scheme “universal” is probably a good way of starting that. I don’t know if I should redo the articles entirely in the same colour, or if I should leave them unique from each other. I’d like to hear some opinions about it over on the forums.