I can’t surf

They’re making a Castlevania movie. I hope it’s awesome and spawns enough sequels to get up to a Curse of Darkness story…

You know what else pleases me to no end? Mario Hoops 3-on-3. I don’t care at all for basketball, but the fact that Square-Enix is developing it just makes me giggle. Also, it looks rather pretty too.

And last for today, check this out. Neat marketing scheme, no?

I’m droppin’ plates on your ass, bitch

I finally got around to checking out last week’s Potoshop Phriday, and I nearly burst laughing at this particular submission…

Yeah, I know. I’m a huge nerd.

So last week I watched Hostel. Frankly, I was quite disappointed. To be fair, I guess I was just expecting too much. I mean, there was plenty of gore and flinchy moments, but to tell the truth, it was rather boring. The whole first half of the movie was establishing plot and whatnot, and by the time it got to the good stuff, I had already picked up my DS and was halfway immersed in New Super Mario Bros. Like I said, I was expecting a lot, and it just couldn’t live up to the magnificent movie I had imagined. I don’t want to completely badmouth it though, because it was pretty fucking depraved and bloody, and I was quite pleased with that much. The characters were pretty flimsy for how much time they tried to spend building them up, and as such you really don’t care who dies or not. That, I think, was what really ruined it for me, because I like having someone to root for. On the upside, a bunch of kids beat a man’s skull in with a rock at one point, and that was pretty cool. I also watched The Hills Have Eyes, and that was an awesome movie in all respects. More on that one some other day though.

Juiced Up Power Pigs!

I love candy. That should be obvious. I mean, who doesn’t like candy? Squares, that who. And those squares are one day going to make something of themselves unless we stop them while we can. They don’t deserve any better. Damned candy-hating squares. They’re probably the same morons who think animals don’t deserve to be eaten. If animals weren’t meant to be eaten, then they’d be the ones eating us. But you know what, I bet those stupid hippies would probably like that. “If the animals enjoy eating me, then it’s worth being eaten” they’d say. It’s called the food chain, you idiots! That’s just how it works! Are you going to start going after lions and tigers because they eat other animals too? No? Then you’re hypocrites as well as stupid hippies! So ha!

That was quick. Usually it takes me a couple paragraphs to start rambling about something totally different than where I was intending to go. So to get back on topic, I was talking about candy. Yes, delicious candy. While parents all over the world generally discourage mass consumption of the sugary bliss, it’s certainly the high point of the food world. Well, right below pastries anyhow. So what am I talking about candy for? Check this out:

Yes, that’s right. I came here to tell you about pig-shaped candy. To those out of the loop, it may seem a little silly, but the rest of you who’ve eaten these things know exactly where I’m coming from. These things are so good that I couldn’t justify not writing an article about them. Yes. That good. Their shapes may be a little misleading, as they don’t taste at all like bacon (which I refer to as nature’s candy), but that’s probably a good thing. No, these little oinkers are strawberry-flavoured, as it says there on the bag. They also come in three sub-flavours, which I will get to in a bit.

There, that should be a little clearer. Strawberry pigs and awesome ear flavours and what-have-you. Though I didn’t realize that they made this candy before the ear flavours came into the picture. Guess I’ve learned something from this. That makes this my most educational article yet. To top that off, after a little research, I learned that not only did the pigs come in strawberry-only, but there are other “Juiced Up” species such as bulldogs and worms. Astounding!

Ah yes, you should also take notice of the little warning on the side. It’s at a bad angle, but it says “Warning: May contain pig butts,” or as the French call them, “derrières de porc.” I think the French term sounds a little less offensive, and without that offensiveness, the joke isn’t nearly as good. But aside from that, there isn’t a whole lot of interesting on the front of the package.

NOTE: While the package makes claims of “power pigs” this candy has no tie-in with the mediocre SNES platformer “Power Piggs of the Dark Ages.”

Here’s the only part of the back of the package that bears any interest at all, the small corner devoted to the ear flavours. They come in apple, watermelon and orange, but to tell the truth, the ear flavours are almost negligible. You barely notice them at all unless you go right ahead and gnaw off the ears. I wouldn’t really count that as a strike against the candy though, as the strawberry flavour alone is more than enough to win my love. I like that they even went the extra distance to give the little guys names. The only thing more satisfying that eating something that had eyes is eating something that someone cared about enough to name. I’m a monster.

Behold the power pigs in all their sugary glory! Even more impressive than the fact that they all have names is the fact that they’re molded really well. Just look at how close they are to the package art. Sure, the colour is a bit runny, but it varies from pig to pig, and wouldn’t be a big enough issue to detract from the experience. Speaking of which, why else are the piggies so good? For one, they taste like awesome. And let me tell you, awesome tastes pretty good. I’d put them right on up there with the Charleston Chew on the candy scale. There’s also the fact that they have the most perfect consistency ever crafted by man. They’re thick and chewy like a gummi should be, but they don’t stick to your teeth at all. Come to think of it, the consistency is at a level I doubt man could achieve, and these were probably produced by some sort of otherworlders or an elite race of super candymen created by the government that the public has no idea about.

So yeah. That’s that. The basic idea behind this article is that Juiced Up Supercochonnets are the greatest gummis I’ve had the privelige to chew on. You should go out and get a pack right now. Unless you’re a hot chick (preferably with no self-esteem), then I have something even better than candy for you. Just gimme a holler and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

PS: Fortunately (I think?) there were no pig butts present in this particular bag.

Woah, I feel it! I feel the cosmos!

I’d love to get an article up tonight, but I squandered my afternoon, and now I won’t be able to get on the computer where it resides until mucho later. It’ll probably be up tomorrow around noonish, but maybe overnight?

Anyway, did everyone have a sweet Canada Day? I know I sure did. We went out to Lac du Bonnet for a (craptastic) parade, a (a good as you can hope for) fair, and (very good) fireworks. Since we were out there already, we spent the day at the cottage, and there plenty of drinking, shooting, and steak ensued. What more could you hope for? I also managed to snatch a great little item that will be reviewed in a week or two. I won’t say what it is, but I’ll say this: It’s definitely a site staple.

I also need to tell you a little about the aforementioned fireworks. You see, we go out there every single year on Canada Day for the fireworks (only recently have we made the fair a yearly thing), and normally they’re pretty average. This year was darned impressive, if I might say so. And you must realize, I’ve seen all the fireworks spectaculars that Disney World has to offer. So this year they decided that to amp up the excitement, they’d integrate music into the show. It was poorly done, to say the least. Firstly, there was no coordination at all. That’s the whole reason for music. Secondly, the songs seemed to be plucked straight from my personal library. Among the various bands included were Loverboy, Nazareth, Heart, and Styx. It’s all music I love, but it’s not fireworks music. Not in the least. Music issues aside though, it was a great show, and the bar is definitely raised.

Spring is nice in Canada

Two notes for today. Firstly, I changed my main banner. Those of you who already got it probably have a little more respect for me, for those of you who don’t get it, I saw The Boondock Saints yesterday. It was a fricking awesome movie. The banner won’t be permanent, but it needed to be changed up a little. I think this one gets it all across: truth, justice, and humour.

The second note is for those who read the Mate1 article. In the end, I did end up getting some feedback from someone who read my profile and Googled TE. I’m sure more is yet to come, but right now, I’m simply ecstatic that my plan worked. Take THAT, Mate1. Ryan = win.

Lastly, anyone who’s come here because you read my Mate1 profile, my e-mail address is on the bottom of the sidebar. I assume that’s what you’re here for. Just keep in mind this one thing: no fat chicks.

Why don’t you go home?

I’ve been getting Weebl and Bob update e-mails for a couple years now, and I’d never read even one of them. Hell, I haven’t even been to the site in like a year. But yesterday I did read my update e-mail, and it paid off big time. Turns out they were holding a Fancy Dance competition over on Weebl’s Stuff, and boy is it worth checking out. The first entry is clearly my favourite, and the Santa Bear in the fourth is just too much. Hilarious stuff. I hope linking to this will help distract you from what a bad article I wrote this week.

Mate1 Hates You


Mate1.com is a big bag of sham. You know why? I’ll tell you why. But first, let’s hear the story about how this all came to be. Let’s face it, that’s pretty much all the material I’m gonna get out of this.

It was just another day, and I was going about my daily routine. Doing the same old things like sleeping in, playing video games, cooking, and surfing the internet. Our story takes place during that last one there, surfing the internet. It’s a common thing I do, and I can never get enough of it. If I lost the internet, I’d probably shrivel up and die within a week.

So anyhow, I love the internet and like I said, on the whole, I never get bored of it. It’s got unlimited potential, you see. But I do get bored if I use it for too long at one time. See, I have my daily rounds that I check (Gorillamask, The Sneeze, X-E, etc.), and once I’ve visited all those sites, I’m kind of out of ideas. I know there are tons of other sites that I could check out for entertainment, but for reasons unknown, I rarely do.

Now every site’s got their ad banners. At least a good 98 percent of them. I click on these banners every now and again, assuming they advertise something I find interesting, they manage to really grab my attention, or I’m just bored and don’t really have a next cyber-destination in mind. You’ve likely seen the Mate1.com banners floating around. They’re nearly everywhere. Now, Mate1.com is a website that I would normally never visit. But on that particular day, at that particular time, I just couldn’t resist the underwear-clad girls in the banners any longer and I clicked.


Upon clicking this banner, I was transported to a sign-up page that asked for my basic personal information. Since I was bored at the time, and really didn’t have anything else to do, I said to myself “This should be good for a larf” and started filling it out. I also have a compulsive need to fill out website membership forms, so that was a big part of it. Don’t know what it is, but I really enjoy filling out forms…

Before I get back to the story, maybe I should explain just what Mate1.com is, for those unfamiliar with the ad (I assume everyone who reads this site has a solid understanding of the internet, but just incase…). Basically, it’s an online dating service. Meaning you fill out some information, and they find a bunch of other user who either have similar interests as you or that fit that criteria that you search for. People can also do their own searches and end up finding you. It’s not an original site idea, but as I said before, the banners are everywhere and every man is likely to give in at one point, because they all feature pretty girls in their underwear.

Now I’m not overly interested in normal dating, and online dating ranks even lower on my list of things to do, but upon seeing how many little things Mate1 has for users to fill in, I was simply overjoyed. Again, I don’t know why, but I love fiiling out forms. So I got to it, and spent somewhere around half an hour filling out little tidbits of information about myself. I didn’t care if anyone ever read it, but it all got filled out. I even uploaded a couple pictures of my handsome self.

After everything was filled out, I became less amused with the site and, as I didn’t much care for searching for other people, I left and went on my merry way to see if Wii Fanboy had any new updates since the last time I checked (which was likely about an hour earlier).

Night came and went, and a new day was born. I woke up towards noon and hopped into my computer chair (after a few other, less you-want-to-hear-about-them events), as I usually do not long after I wake up. I signed into MSN Messenger (appearing offline, of course), and then booted up Firefox. About an hour into my rounds, Messenger notified me that I had received an e-mail from Mate1.com. Intriguing! Well, I’m not one to ignore e-mail, so I opened up my inbox and checked it out. As it turns out, it was notifying me that some 20-year-old fox had send an e-mail to my Mate1 account. Eager to find out whether they’d be constantly spamming me like this or if someone was indeed showing interest in my humble being, I clicked.

Then “tragedy” struck. I got this:


Yeah. Mate1.com is a jackass. Here I am, with an e-mail in my inbox, that could very well be from someone who may play an important role in my future (I highly doubt it, but I’m not one to write of any possibilities), and they have the gall to try to make me pay actual money to see it? I don’t think so! I may be a sucker most of the time, but I know a sham when I see one. If you’re gonna ask me to pay for something, say it right away. Don’t dangle goodies in front of my nose then snatch them away and tell me I can’t have them until I fork over some cash. No. Doing it that way just makes me pissed off and will make me less likely to give you money.

After giving the Mate1 “give us your money” screen a good flipping-off, I left the site, intending never to return. But then they came.


My [regular] inbox never saw them coming. It was the “someone has sent you a message” e-mails. They came from all directions. Usually two or three, maybe even four a day. My belief that they were simply spam to get me to pay was growing stronger by the message, but I still couldn’t give up on the small ray of hope that people were actually responding to my hilariously filled-out profile. I wanted desperately to, but I couldn’t. So I decided to get to the bottom of this. Since each e-mail came with a user name, it was a simple matter of looking up those users to see if they were legit.

Fortunately, all of Mate1’s search functions work just fine for free member, and even better, there was a nickname search! So I started copying screennames and pasting ’em into the search and seeing what happened. In the end, most of the profiles were either very legitimate or very well-faked. One person even e-mailed me twice, and based on my knowledge of past spam e-mail, that almost never happens. It looks like people are, in fact, trying to contact me. So to confirm this theory, I had to come up with a new plan.

My grand scheme was to place my real e-mail in my self-description box on my profile page, and if people really were reading through it, they would find that and then e-mail me directly, skirting around Mate1’s little tollbooth. A day passed, and there was no response, but I still got Mate1 alerts. I checked my profile to make sure I spelled it right, and low and behold, they had removed the e-mail address! to be fair, there was a warning saying that would happen, but I assumed that the admins were too lazy to follow up on it. Way to prove me wrong, Mate1. Way to prove me wrong.

My last bastion of hope was a tricky one. Since they wouldn’t let me directly write out e-mail addresses or links, I came to the conclusion that only one thing would work. I then proceed to suggest googling the words “Torrential Equilibrium” to anyone who reads the profile. To this day, the suggestion remains, and my plan… well I don’t know if it worked. If it has, nobody bothered to e-mail me after getting a brainful of my writing. I imagined that might happen.

So that’s pretty much how my struggle against Mate1.com has gone so far. At current, they’re leading about 2-1, but I’ll keep trying my hardest to find ways to get around paying them. Not that I really care about contacting anyone out there in internet world. I just really want to beat Mate1. You know what really drives me to it? The fact that women get to use all their services free. Yeah. That’s right. Chicks can send you messages all day, but they’ll never recieve anything in return because no man will ever pay money to use this service. Not only are they pissing off men around the globe, but they’re probably crushing all sorts of women’s hopes and dreams too by instituting a system where they’ll never ever get a reply to their advances. In conclusion, Mate1.com hates everyone.

But you know, now that I think about it, the joke’s really on them. I don’t have cheques or a credit card, so even if I wanted to pay them, there’s no way I could. But I’m not giving them a damn cent as it stands, so it doesn’t make a difference. The really fun part is that I jsut wasted like 20 minutes of your life making you read this dumb story that doesn’t go anywhere. That more than enough to keep me entertained. If ever I’m bored or sad, now I’ll just be able to sit back and think about how someone read through this entire article thinking it would go somewhere or be even remotely entertaining. Ah. Good times.


By the way, I know you’re itching to see it, but I can’t link to my profile because any link goes straight to the home page. You can try looking me up if you like, but I’m not going to give you any hints. You’ll have to use all the knowledge about me you’ve learned by reading this site over the years. Good luck with that. I’ve come to the conclusion from conversations with people that nobody retains any information they read here. That’s probably for the best though…