Rock so hard I sink ships

I was going to spend the short amount of time I have before work this morning playing Pokémon, but there’s a fire in my lungs, and it just needs to be getting out. So, today, you’re going to witness one of the very few actual bloglike posts here on the TE blog. And by that, I mean it’s going to be nothing but complaining about people complaining!

We’ve all seen Spider-Man 3 by now, and half the people liked it, half of them hated it. Why so much hate? Apparently the fact that once the alien symbiote bonds with Peter Parker, he goes “emo”. And this completely ruins the movie for some people. Now, I was a little perturbed myself by Peter’s makeover scenes, but for a completely different reason. You see, the fact of the matter is, you’re all complete douchebags. Peter Parker never turns emo. Not once. He doesn’t even come close. “But he moves his hair a little emo-ish!” you scream in defense of your moronic ideal. That’s waht makes you even more of a douche. And my near-constant typos are what make me a douche.

If you think the fact that Pete pulls down some of his hair over his forehead makes him emo, you clearly have no concept of what the word means. You’re just throwing it out there because you heard someone else use it and you need to be the loudest in the sea of idiots who accuse everything of being the latest big buzzword. That sea of idiots is commonly called “the internet”.

But seriously, emo haircuts are so different that it hurts me on the inside to know that people have misconstrued Parker’s hairstyle as such. For one, emo hair is always dyed some colour. Be it jet black, jet black with red highlights, or jet black with blonde highlights, it is always dyed some colour. Peter’s hair in the movie? It’s not even an overly dark shade of brown! Fuck, you guys are stupid! Probably the worst part of this trainwreck chain of opinions is that you’re calling him emo based solely on his hair. Peter exhibits not one other trait of someone who lives the emo lifesyle at all in the movie.

Generally speaking, emo kids will haul themselves up in their room all the time so that they can do stupid emo things, like cut themselves, blog about their feelings, and write crappy poetry. Did Peter Parker do one of these things in to the movie? No! Amazing! You might say that Pete spent a lot of time in his room, but remember that it was solely to listen to that cop radio so he could find and destroy Sandman. That’s not emo, kids. That’s determination. And maybe a bit of unhealthy obsession.

We’ll also take a look at the fact that if anything, Peter has a more active social life after the symbiote bonds with him. He prowls the town, dancing quite happily (as you’ll notice, emos will always be depressed), and even though it’s a dumb scene, it totally conflicts with calling him emo. Emo kids dress like shit, and Pete’s fashion sense actually got better as he got eviler. Hell, he even pops his collar, which is totally the “in” thing to do, and you may note that no emo kid in the world would ever, under any circumstance, dress in any fashion that would be considered “in”. Especially the popped collar.

I got sidetracked by the fashion thing, but let’s get back to the social scene. If an emo’s girlfriend broke up with him, he would proabbly sit in his room, slicing his wrists to ribbons and writing shitty poetry with his blood. What did Peter Parker do? He went out and picked up a hotter girl (though nearly any girl is hotter than Kirsten Dunst), and proceeded to take her to the jazz club where his ex was working, and made a huge scene just to piss her off. Emo? Not in any way. That was just a really big dick move.

I really would like to go on some more, but for the sake of I can barely keep my ideas straight, I’ll cut out here. I’m not trying to say Spider-Man 3 is a perfect movie or anything, because it’s far from it. God knows that there are many, many problems with the film, but Peter Parker being emo is not one of them. What I am trying to say is that you should really know what you’re talking about before you go criticizing something. Peter was many things in the movie; a crybaby, a prick, and kind of a douche, but he most certainly was NOT emo.

Oh, and Spider-Man 3 is still my favourite of the trilogy based solely on Bruce Campbell’s fantastically hilarious cameo. The rest I could take or leave.