The Star Wars Mega Egg

I love Star Wars.

Let’s pause for a moment to let that sink in. I feel like after the prequel trilogy, a lot of the love for Star Wars has waned. Not without good reason, but still! Me, I still love Star Wars. I make sure to watch A New Hope at least once a year. Ideally I’d make time to watch the original trilogy once a month (and the prequels once a year), but I have tons of other stuff on my plate, be they things I am required to do or just other frivolous time-wasters. So I generally don’t watch the Star Wars movies more than once a year.

It should be noted that this fanboy love is directed almost entirely at the original trilogy and works that spin off from those three movies. I have played very few Star Wars games that don’t star Luke Skywalker and friends, and I’ve only read a handful of Star Wars novels, in most of which the main character is Han Solo. This one time I thought about playing Knights of the Old Republic, but I didn’t own an Xbox and my PC was not equipped to run it. I only own the prequel trilogy because they came packed-in with my blu-ray copies of the first three films.

All that said, I’ve never seen the Clone Wars movie, nor have I watched the equally fugly Star Wars: Clone Wars television series. I own the DVDs of the (comparatively beautiful) 2D animated Clone Wars series, but that’s about all I’ve ever had to do with whatever happened between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. So if I hadn’t been actively seeking a curiosity to write this article about, I wouldn’t have given this Star Wars Mega Egg a second glance. Heck, I might not have even noticed the durned thing at all.

So Star Wars Mega Egg. Thar she blows. It’s a big, blue egg with a hideous, computer-generated likeness of Hayden Christensen on it. More importantly, it’s exactly the kind of thing we love around these parts! It’s been a while since we’ve seen any surprise bag action around here, and this Mega Egg is just what the doctor ordered. Check out that label, it says “surprise inside” and also “candy gift with surprise.” I don’t see how I could possibly lose when it’s promising a surprise two times in such close proximity.

The rest of the label is curiously devoid of any more mentions of a possible surprise, but it does go to great lengths to scientifically describe exactly what the candy gift will be. Of course, I’m no scienceist, so I have no idea what any of that jargon means aside from the fact that it’s all just chunks of sugar. That’s pretty much all I expect from candy gifts though, so I’m sure it’ll be great! Acceptable, at the very least.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty darned excited about the jelly candy that’s rumoured to be inside. You have no idea the jellified wonders I’ve got parading around in my mind.

Apparently the Mega Egg wants me to join the Official Star Wars Fan Club. I’m not certain, but I have a feeling that the Star Wars website that the provided web address is pointing me to is of a very different demographic than I would expect. My idea of a Star Wars fan club is a bunch of fanboys (and maybe a girl) poring over their favourite series of movies, trading various cards and/or comics, showing each other their fan art and home-made costumes, and other such nerdly activites. You know, somewhere I’d really feel at home. The Mega Egg is likely just to attract eight-year-olds who think the Clone Wars TV show is the bomb (or whatever the kids say these days) and have no idea that the original movies exist.

Upon actually typing that link into my browser, I have discovered that the Official Star Wars Fan Club no longer exists. Well, visiting the site just proved that the site was gone, the actual discovery came from a cunning Google search and the skimming of a brief FAQ.

Either way, the OSWFC is gone and I now understand why the Force has felt so sorrowful for some time now.

Back to the matter at hand, the Mega Egg has a trio of holes in the top. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t candy generally sealed in airtight packages? Do sugar chunks need to breathe? Is my candy gift more than I’d bargained for, or is that surprise going to be even more surprising than I’d expected? Man, I’m getting way to into this Mega Egg.

Guys, it’s opening. It’s opening!!

I suppose that this would be a good point at which to give you a little better feel for the Mega Egg you see before you. To keep you on the edge of your seat, you see.

The Mega Egg, as far as surprise-bearing eggs go, is pretty big. It’s roughly three to four times the size of a regular Kinder Surprise egg. I had originally intended to take a picture of the Mega Egg next to another object -ideally a Kinder Surprise egg- to better illustrate its Meganess, but alas, I didn’t feel like combing Zellers’ candy aisle for a Kinder Surprise egg, and I forgot to take a comparison shot whilst taking all these other pictures.

The large size of the egg is also why I feel so compelled to capitalize the words “Mega Egg” every time I type them. It would be wrong not to give the Mega Egg the distinction of being a proper noun. I feel almost like I should be capitalizing every letter, to further glorify the Mega Egg, but it seems like the kind of thing that’s only funny for a paragraph or two. Besides, if I’d done that, I’d be out this great filler paragraph.

I’m a little worried about this, guys. It… it kind of looks like the Star Wars Mega Egg is just full of a bunch of the same packets of candy. That can’t be right. Surprise bags aren’t full of a bunch of the same thing, they’re full of different things! A surprise egg should be held to the same standard!

Speaking of surprises… I don’t see one here. Just packets of samey-lookin’ candy. Guys, I’m scared. The surprise… It’s gotta be under the candy, right? That’s what’s going on here. Yeah, that’s it.

Well, colour me disappointed. I’m not sure what colour that would be, exactly. Possibly a shade of blue? Not out-and-out sad blue, but maybe a faded blue, to show that I’m sad and also my joy has faded and been replaced with cold, gray disappointment. Yep, a faded blue would definitely be the right colour for disappointed.

This is not what I look for in any type of surprise package, be it a bag, cone, egg, or crate. Not since the Peter Puck surprise bag have I been so disappointed. What’s that? Why don’t I have a link to the Peter Puck surprise bag article? Because there isn’t one! The Peter Puck surprise bag was just several packets of puck-shaped candy and a plastic puck in which to place the candy. And every single one is the same! The Star Wars Mega Egg just barely avoids being so disappointing by containing three different kinds of candy, but I’m betting all the Star Wars Mega Eggs are the same. This is almost as big a let-down as The Phantom Menace.

You’ll have to excuse me if typos start getting really bad from here on out. I just spent three minutes banging my head against the wall in a mix of frustrations, disappointment, and just a little bit of my natural insanity.

Why? Because my twice-touted “surprise” is a stupid little sheet of stupid little Star Wars stickers. I suppose that when whatever candy company Lucasfilm contracted to make this thing was deciding on a demographic, they probably opted to shoot for a younger crowd. A crowd that would piss their pants in excitement when they saw that they got a buttload of candy AND more Star Wars stickers than they can count. I’m not part of that demographic.

My negative emotions are somewhat swayed by that cool C-3PO sticker though. His knee joints are monstrously oversized, but still, how could I be mad at Threepio?

Being an adult, I have absolutely no need for a copious amount of tiny Star Wars stickers, so I just mashed them all over the Mega Egg. It was looking a little naked and ashamed after being stripped of its flashy packaging.

I don’t really have a need for a huge plastic egg covered in tiny Star wars stickers either, but let’s not go splitting hairs here.

The Threepio sticker, being the biggest and bestestist sticker in the bunch, was given the honour of gracing the name tag on my lunch bag. I think it’s a pretty great spot to wear my love for Star Wars, and there really isn’t any other surface in the immediate vicinity of my computer desk where I felt like placing a sticker wouldn’t be a waste. I guess that since I’ll be moving out soon I could have pasted them all over my walls to cause my parents a minor annoyance, but I feel like they’d probably make me pull them all off. I’m not in the business of finding ways to annoy myself.

So that’s about it, I guess. No, wait. I didn’t try the candy. Let’s go have a taste, shall we? I mean, you won’t because you’re on the wrong side of the internet, but I’mma go enjoy some sugar lumps now.

I was let down immediately by the jelly candies. Mostly because they were the ones I was looking forward to the most and there ended up being only two packets of them. Also because they came exclusively in lemon flavour. They weren’t that bad, but I feel like the confectioners missed a huge opportunity by not making them all delicious red and green. Possibly blue.

The hard candy, shaped like stars, was pretty boring all around. They were all red and yellow, but both colours tasted pretty much the same. That taste, BTW, could be best described as “bland, with a hint of nothing.” Lastly, the minty-looking candies, which I assumed would taste minty as well, were not minty. I have no idea what the flavour is called, but they were pretty yummy! They weren’t overly tasty, but they certainly beat the stars. Another plus is that the stars and the mint-looking things were quite a bit softer than I’d imagined. They were still technically hard candies, but they put up just enough resistance so that chewing them didn’t hurt my feeble little girl teeth.

Overall, the Star Wars Mega Egg was a pretty big bust. That’s what I get for buying a surprise dealie from a big chain instead of a dollar store that never left 1983. I have a burning curiosity to see if there are any other possible “surprises” in the Star Wars Mega Eggs, but I don’t feel like risking another $3 for what will most likely be the exact same contents. I might luck into better-flavoured jellies, but at that point it might just be better to buy a $1 bag of jellies. They don’t come with the thrill of the surprise, but there’s also that lack of crushing disappointment, which some might consider a perk. I’ll have to think long and hard about this one…

As a little side-note, Kinder Surprises generally aren’t especially surprising, but there was a pretty neat little line of hippos dressed as Star Wars characters in them at one point. As far as I can tell, the line never reached Canada, but by that point in time I was already too old to care about Kinder Surprise toys, even if they were hippos cosplaying Star Wars characters. My point here is that this is how you whore out your brand, not with boring junk like the Mega Egg.

Brütal Legend

Brütal Legend is, in most cases, a swell game. “Just swell?” you ask, thinking that usually when I like a game, I have trouble using adjectives that aren’t “awesome.” But yes Brütal Legend, is only swell. And while many of its parts far exceed that and delve deep into the realm of the aforementioned awesome, the sum of those parts is maybe a little lacking. Now I bet you’re thinking that such a complicated summary of a game’s worth will require an even more complicated explanation. And I’d be glad to give you one!

Let’s start at the start here. The game opens with a live action skit featuring Jack Black, and right there we’ve already got controversy. Most people I know are not fans of Jack Black, and I don’t really blame them. I myself think he has a ton of potential, he just chooses some lots of bad roles. Look at School of Rock, for example. Great movie. Peter Jackson’s King Kong? Yup, he can act. Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny? Oh, and musical talent too! Kung-Fu Panda was great and anyone who disagrees with me can go to Hell. Anyway, for each one of those movies, Black has been in about seven that were just plain bad, so it’s definitely not an even split.

Brütal Legend adds a huge credit to his name, as I am convinced that it is some of the best work he’s ever done. Though he is mostly a voice actor, Black did influence his character, Eddie Riggs, in the later stages of development, and helped choose the best tracks for the game’s fantastically comprehensive soundtrack. Anyway, the intro features Black, going into a music store, hoping to show the player an incredibly rare, unusually powerful record. The whole scene is fairly comical, but also highlights Black’s passion for music. This is where you first see where the inspiration for the game came from. The record he finds then (obviously) ends up being titled Brütal Legend, and opens up to reveal the main menu. It’s a lengthy and perhaps excessive intro, but through it alone, you can tell that the game is a labor of love.

That love, to be specific, is for metal. And I’m not talking periodic table metal here. I mean the fastest, loudest, most genuine kind of music known to man. Tim Schaffer, the game’s creative director (and mind behind gems like The Secret of Monkey Island and Psychonauts), set out to make the ultimate video game tribute to heavy metal, and I don’t believe that (outside of Guitar Hero 2, perhaps) a better claim to the title exists. Brütal Legend’s world is maybe not as gigantic as some, but it’s certainly more interesting. Where other open-world video games feature fairly generic cities with little original scenery and only a handful of truly interesting things to see, the world of Brütal Legend was built specifically to catch your eye at every corner.

The world is filled with amazing landmarks and geographical oddities, the creative minds behind it saying that it’s supposed to represent the types of imagery one would see on the covers and inserts of metal albums, and it doesn’t disappoint. Gigantic stone swords and axes are plunged into the land, the face of one particular cliff is made entirely of huge speakers, trees are made of exhaust pipes and have tires hanging from them. There are plenty of truly amazing landmarks throughout the land, and the game designers even thought to add in viewing stations near the bulk of them that trigger short cutscenes so player can view said landmarks from more optimal angles, should they be so inclined.

Not everything in the world is right though. While it’s a small complaint, there are invisible walls here and there, which are not cool. They’re most noticeable in the jungle area, where it’s fairly impossible to walk to the back side of the jungle temple. One time I glitched my way back there and wasn’t able to get out without a save and reset. The other ones are mostly around the higher areas of mountains that you’re not supposed to be able to get up anyway, but I figure that if you can wiggle up there, the game should let you; not stop you with an outdated gameplay contrivance. It’s sort of important to the story that you don’t wander the eastern half of the world until the plot lets you, but I’m still a little put out that I can’t break the game because of invisible walls.

Another low point is that the world is littered with collectible baubles, which are always a pain to hunt down. Though unlike most games, the rewards you get for looking for them are a little better than being able to claim that you got them all. The aforementioned landscape viewers are their own reward, of course. There are 120 dragon statues bound in S&M gear (ball gag included), and freeing them will net you character upgrades after every ten. 13 “Legend” statues dot the landscape, which will each show you a brief snippet of the game’s back story upon finding them. The 9(?) solo monuments will grant you new guitar solos, which are Eddie’s equivalent to ocarina tunes. Finally, there are many, many “buried metal” statues to unearth, and each one adds a new song to your playlist. These are the least useful, but definitely the ones I got most excited about finding.

In the end, the lack of complete freedom is insignificant because trucking around the parts of the world that are available (re: everything but the mountaintops) is super fun. This is attributed to two things. Number one is that Eddie has the best car ever. The Deuce, AKA the Druid Plow, drives fast, handles well, and is great at being an instrument of death. Yeah, you could just pump the nitros and ram wildlife to death, but if you explore enough (and why wouldn’t you?), you can find gates to the underworld, where Ozzy Osbourne the Guardian of Metal will pimp your ride. The best upgrades are unlocked by progressing through the story, and by the end you can have the Deuce decked out with missiles, lightning cannons, mines, flamethrowers, and more. Granted, you can only equip one main and one secondary weapon at a time, but really, once you get the lightning gun, there’s no need to go back.

The other reason you’re going to take the time to roam the land is because of the Deuce’s Mouth of Metal. Or in layman’s terms: the radio. Brutal Legend has one of the best video game soundtracks that I’ve ever heard, right up on par with Guitar Hero 2 and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. Possibly even better. If you were to look up the track list, you might think that it lacks variety because where are the Top 40 songs? And if you asked that, stop reading after this paragraph. Leave my website, turn on your oven, and put your head in it. Leave in until golden brown.

For all of you still with me, you are the kind of people we need to make the world a better place. Go and procreate, and teach your children the wonders of metal. But wait until you’re done here, of course.

Back to the story at hand, playing Brütal Legend is fun because when you’re doing it right, you’re listening to the biggest and most comprehensive history of metal ever included in a video game. The soundtrack is made of 107 songs hand-picked by Schaffer, Black, and a few others to be the best that it can be. Sure, maybe it does seem like there are a lot of Judas Priest, Motörhead, and Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne songs, but there’s a perfectly good explanation for that: Rob Halford, Lemmy, and Ozzy are all voice actors in the game. Yes, maybe the playlist could have been fleshed-out a little more if they’d limited bands to one or two songs each, but the fact remains that Judas Priest, Motörhead and Black Sabbath/Ozzy Osbourne are all worth multiple songs, as they are all hugely influential bands and easily deserve the spots. What really matters though, is that driving across the world at top speed with this soundtrack blasting is incredibly fun. It made scouring all the corners of the world for all those tchotchkes bearable, and made just playing the game in general much more awesome.

And all that was just as an aside to the rest of the game. Or perhaps I should say, the main focus of the game. While the actual story isn’t really great (the back story found in the legend statues is much more interesting, if not a bit hammy), all the nuances of the characters and the quality of the voice acting really make it worth playing. Eddie Riggs in particular is the exact opposite of the usual Jack Black character, who is a doofus and learns over the course of the story to be a better person. Eddie is already awesome. In fact, he is the world’s greatest roadie. His mantra from the beginning of the game is that roadies belong in the shadows, helping to make the true stars shine. He never wavers from this throughout the entire game. He knows his place is to be in a support role, and does his best to help human resistance leaders Lars and Lita save humanity from the evil Doviculus and his demon army, the Tainted Coil.

While the story is fun, playing the main game is… kind of all over the place. And this is where the game takes its biggest hit. The first few questss of the game have you playing as Eddie, marching around and whacking dudes. Sometimes other people follow you, and you can give them basic orders. These parts are okay, but the combat controls feel odd, almost like they were a second thought. And then very slowly it turns into a real-time strategy game, with a base and units and resources and everything. Well, maybe not everything. It’s sort of like a My First RTS, being pretty simple, with only one resource, and all the little elements introduced to the player one by one. And all the while, you’re still controlling Eddie, so you can try to win by marching around and whacking dudes, but it won’t work. Even on the normal difficulty, by the final battle the difficulty had gotten pretty ridiculous. Not that it’s incredibly hard, but it seems that like in most RTS games, the CPU doesn’t need resources to pump out legions of troops.

While they aren’t done really well, the RTS segments, or “stage battles” are fairly fun. The units for each faction are original and have tons of personality, and each faction leader has a different set of abilities to employ via guitar solos. Eddie’s ultimate attack, for instance, summons a giant flaming zeppelin to crash onto the battlefield to smite his foes. The reference alone is wonderful, but actually watching it happen is like magic. Your base, as the title “stage battle” implies, is a stage, and despite it being the only base you have (no building micromanagement here), it’s really cool. Not only does it blare a different set of songs for whichever faction you’re playing as, but you can also hop up on it to blow enemies away with a blast from the amps, or fry them with spotlight cannons.

The rest of the game is made up of a handful of other mission types. Some have you protecting the Ironheade tour bus, others have you piloting a turret to take out bad guys from above while your foot soldiers protect you. The one that is the most fun, however, requires you to drive around in the Deuce as waves of enemies approach and lay down markers for a mortar cannon. It’s a little tricky at first, and you get no indication of where the next enemy wave is coming from, but a perfect shot results in enemy corpses flying everywhere. It’s incredibly satisfying. And the music ties back into these other missions as well, as each story mission which is not a stage battle plays a new song, and once you complete the mission that song is added to your accessible playlist.

Two of these events in particular stand out, mostly because of the perfect blend of action and metal. The first is at the end of the first third of the game, where Eddie and company have defeated Doviculus’ glam metal general, Lionwhyte, and his gigantic pleasure dome is collapsing around them. Massive monsters (called Bleeding Death) are falling from the sky, and everything around you is burning. You have to race through the rubble and creatures before you get crushed, burned, or devoured. It’s a hectic scene, as you cannot stop and the path isn’t always clear. Tension is high, and the chosen song for this particular setpiece is Dragonforce’s “Through the Fire and the Flames,” which is perfect, if only because your destination is literally through the fire and the flames. The song is fast, powerful, and really lends to the situation’s sense of urgency. The blistering guitars feel so natural as you’re pushing the Deuce as fast as it can go, and the sounds of screams and explosions rocking the dome mesh right in with the music.

It’s a fantastic part of the game, and while it only lasts about two minutes (and the song is closer to nine) if you get it right, it made a very strong impression on me. My adrenaline was pumping, and it will probably be a moment in gaming that I will remember for a long time. But it’s not perfect. Like I said in the previous paragraph, the path isn’t always clear. The track is created dynamically as the place falls apart, which creates situations where it looks like you go this way but then a pillar smashes to the ground in front of you. I failed this section many times (most because I tried to kill the Bleeding Death), and failure resets the whole scenario. Listening to the first 30 seconds of “Through the Fire and the Flames” over and over? Not as great as listening to the whole song.

The other specific scenario that really stands out from the rest is the final boss fight. And why shouldn’t it? It’s the final boss after all. There are a total of… three? Maybe even only two boss battles in the entire game. If there are more, clearly they were overshadowed to the point of being forgettable. But the final battle against Doviculus (Oh, it’s not a spoiler. It would be a spoiler if there were another eleventh-hour final boss.) is really cool. Maybe it’s because it’s set to Judas Priet’s “Painkiller,” which makes everything better, but I thought it was a pretty great fight. For Brutal Legend anyway.

The bosses are one-on-one affairs (er… sort of, they can both summon minor enemies), and that’s why it kind of stumbles. Again, while on foot, Eddie’s combat controls aren’t great. They use a Zelda-esque lock-on system, but it feels unrefined and maybe less responsive than it should be. Enemies are also very resilient, and their attacks are rarely interrupted by hits. They also tend to track you as you dodge, so even if you get out of the way while they’re winding up for an attack, they might still end up facing you by the time it launches. These are huge issues when surrounded by baddies, which results in you taking a lot more damage than you should, but it’s not quite as bad mano-e-demono.

There are two phases to the Doviculus fight: one where you hammer the attack button and maybe try to dodge once in a while. After getting enough of a beating, he’ll chain himself to the wall and start summoning minions. There are also explosions, and a Bleeding Death will eventually start swiping at you through the wall. Blasting the chains holding Doviculus to the wall will bust them apart and once they’re all gone, you go back into phase one. Repeat a couple times, and the world is saved. It does get a little crazy up in there by the third round, and just like the pleasure dome escape, “Painkiller” fits the mood perfectly. It’s an epic, powerful song, and is a perfect complement to a rock n’ roll showdown between good and evil. Though after the annoyingly difficult stage battle that precedes it, the fight does come off as a bit of a cakewalk in comparison.

So while the gameplay could have been a little more focused, it’s not bad. Should a sequel crop up someday, I think it would benefit from losing the on-foot missions and refining the stage battle mechanics. Keeping Eddie in the air (he can eventually fly during stage battles) or in the Deuce for the bulk of the game would help to even out the quality of gameplay. It’s fine to let him roam free when you’re actually roaming free, because exploring the world is the most fun you’ll have in the game. Maybe equip Eddie with an iPod so you can listen to the kickass soundtrack while on foot. But when it comes to missions, I think they have a good thing going with the stage battles, and focusing on them and tightening up the mechanics and balance would make it great. Or take them out and go all-out with the adventure aspect. Make Eddie more nimble and fix how enemies react in combat. Hell, just copy the Zelda physics wholesale. Nobody would care.

Either way, it’s just a matter of polishing the gameplay aspect of the game. Brütal Legend has a perfect sense of atmosphere, and while the plot lacks a little, there’s plenty of personality to back it up . It’s the first game in a long time that I sat down with, and I played until I beat it. These days it’s rare for me to actually finish a game without putting it down and then picking it back up weeks or even months later. I think there was a three week period at most between the day I started Brutal Legend and the day I finished it. I also have a thing where I get scared of advancing in games. I don’t know what it is, but somehow I always get to a point where I don’t want to start the next mission or go into the next dungeon. I don’t know why, but I have a mental block. The only reason I put off missions in Brutal Legend is because I was having too much fun screwing around in the overworld. I enjoyed that it sucked me in. I really enjoyed that I didn’t feel that progress block. I love that it’s metal, and I really love that it loves metal. If it weren’t for the half-hearted gameplay, it would easily be on my list of best games ever. Unfortunately, it is doomed by its shallow and sometimes frustrating gameplay to languish with the likes of the Silent Hill series in a category of games that strike a fantastic atmosphere, but could have used a little more play-testing.

Dead Island

I’ve recently been spending large chunks of my weekends on Dead Island, and I’ve got pretty mixed feelings about it. For the tl;dr crowd: I like it, and I’m pretty sure that if you like Fallout 3 you’ll find much to enjoy here.

The big thing about Dead Island is that I don’t play first-person shooters very often, but Techland somehow managed to take the handful of recent FPSs that I have played and mash them all together. I haven’t played enough of Fallout 3 (about 25 hours?), and I haven’t seen any more than the cover of New Vegas, but they were quite clearly the base inspiration for Dead Island. It’s an FPS set in a big open(ish) world, where you have to scrounge stuff from everywhere to survive.

Missions are doled out one at a time to further the story, but you can strike out on your own and do as you please (this is how I spent my time with Fallout 3). Along the way, you’ll likely meet up with some people who will give you sidequests. Some will just be crazy and try to kill you. I only encountered only a single homicidal human in the first third of the game, but they become a little more common as you go along.

Like Fallout, your weapons will decay with use and become useless. Well, mostly useless. You can still beat zombies with your blunted cleaver, but it does barely any damage and any special effects (like fire or electricity) are lost. You can repair them for a fee, upgrade them for a few more bucks, and modify weapons to give them special traits once you have the proper blueprints and parts. Armor does not exist though, which is good and bad. Good because you don’t have to constantly stop to repair or find replacements; bad because a handful of zombies can tear your fleshy hide apart right quick.

Where Dead Island really departs from its cousins is in weapon selection. The first area of Dead Island provides melee weapons almost exclusively. It’s great, visceral fun, but in the first dozen or so hours I spent with it, I’d only held two revolvers and about forty bullets. Fallout 3 was fun for me because I could skulk around the landscape with a hunting rifle and pop any enemies before they had a chance. Yeah, ammo was a little more scare than I liked, but at least it was there. Games that force stealth are no fun, but when it’s an option, that’s how I usually play it. It also provided a survival scenario that I could take at my own pace. If I wanted to avoid the mutants, I hike the long way around the mountain or take the shortcut through the cave. Here, the world feels much less open and you rarely have the option to go around zombies. You’re always the hunted, and rarely get to play the hunter.

The big difference between Fallout 3 and Dead Island where maps are concerned is that in Fallout, you have one gigantic map with all sorts of tunnels and buildings to explore. Dead Island is divided into several large areas with no such “dungeons” to find. I definitely would have liked at least a couple segregated areas. There is the hotel and a couple small apartments that take you to separate maps, but those barely count. We’ll have to see what later areas bring. The majority of the buildings are just textured cubes too. A good portion of the cabanas in the resort area have proper interiors, but once you hit the town map you’ll start wondering if all those doors are just painted on.

The game is a lot like Fallout 3, but it’s also coloured with shades of Borderlands and Left 4 Dead. Like those two, Dead Island is intended to be played cooperatively online with other people. The game wouldn’t even let me start at first because it’s set by default to online co-op and I don’t have a gold subscription to Xbox Live. I haven’t spent enough time with Left 4 Dead or its sequel to pass judgement on just how similar Dead Island is to them, but I hear that the “special” zombies on Banoi island bear more than just a passing resemblance to those in Valve’s games.

Borderlands though, I have played quite a bit more of. While it’s not quite as much an influence on Dead Island as Fallout, you can’t ignore the signs. For one, weapons in Dead Island are colour-coded. Yes, it’s a thing in other games too, but the only other one I’ve played that does that is Borderlands. The major difference being that I didn’t see a second-tier weapon for hours in Dead Island, whereas I picked one up on my third or fourth quest in Borderlands.

Another similarity is that random pickups respawn in both of these games. It takes away from the survival aspect (which wasn’t a part of Borderlands anyway), but I feel like it adds to the gameplay. Yes, the aspect of running around with no bullets is thrilling for a little while, but I find that when I run out of weapons, a game that centers around killing is considerably less fun. The old-style Resident Evils play that feature properly: they limit your ammo, but enemies never respawn, so it’s almost a like a puzzle where you have to figure out where your ammo is best spent. If weapons weren’t strewn about so liberally in Dead Island, you’d run out in no time and be stuck running away or punching zombies to death. To give you an idea of how useless punching is in Dead Island, they give you the achievement for killing while unarmed after just 25 zombies.

From the start of the game, you get to choose from four characters, each which his or her own strengths and skill trees. Just like Borderlands. Did the characters in Left 4 Dead have any differences that weren’t cosmetic? While this is key to building a balanced team, the fact of the matter is that I’ll never play this game with others. So I really wouldn’t mind if there were a “single-player” character, who could choose from the entire pool of skills. Also I’m not a fan of the “skill pipe” system, where you have to pump points into unrelated skills to get to the one you want. What I’m saying here is that they should have copied Fallout’s skill system too. I’m cool with prerequisites for advanced skills, but those prerequisites should make sense, and not just be arbitrarily placed along a line. Why to I need to get the “medkits are more effective” skill before I can buy the “less likely to be noticed” skill? Healing and stealth are two totally different fields.

Anyway, I’m coming off too negative. I really like Dead Island, though I fear it will end up sitting incomplete along with Fallout 3 and Borderlands despite that. The thing that ties them all together is that they’re all so huge and open, that I get an initial rush of excitement, with the exploring and the screwing around, but then burn out before I can even make it halfway through the story. Yeah, there’s something I never thought I’d lament: games being too long and having too much content. 16-year-old Ryan would be so sad if he knew that he’d grow up into a man that had trouble finishing games that surpass a 15-hour requirement.

Dead Island has a few good things about it that weren’t key traits of other games though, and while I’d love to talk about those, there’s one thing that really bugs me about the game. I mean really boils my turnip. I usually don’t care if games with high NPC/enemy populations re-use character models/sprites. A few of my favourite games don’t even bother to recolour clothing, never mind create unique NPCs. But Dead Island really takes the cake; on the resort map, there are literally two female NPC character models: the standard one, and the one that’s a little chubbier. Female zombies are the same, but discoloured and with bits missing. Yes, their heads and bikini patterns change, but they’ve still all got one of two bodies. Oh yes, and every single female (outside of the two playable females) in the game is wearing a bikini until you get back into the hotel. It is ridiculous. Sex appeal is great; I have no problem with bikini babes. This is overkill though. The sexism line has been long since crossed. There are at least a dozen generic male character models. Would it have hurt to put some short shorts on at least one of the female models? Come on, Techland. Have a little class. The good news is that once you leave the resort there are properly clothed ladies, but I had played over ten hours before I got to that point.

So after all this complaining, what do I like about Dead Island? One thing that sticks out in my mind is the “thug” zombie. Thugs are a good foot taller than your average walking dead, and they can knock you flat with a single hook or headbutt. They are dangerous, and you learn that quickly. Encountering a thug is terrifying because you know that you’re going to be facing something that can kill you with little effort. Compounding this effect is the fact that thugs emit the most blood-curdling roar in the history of video games. It chills me to my bone, and instantly makes me stop cold in my tracks to assess my surroundings. The only thing that keeps thugs from being a total nightmare is that they move at about half the speed of a normal zombie. Still, the tension blows through the roof whenever a thug howls, and I find taking them down incredibly satisfying.

The best way to stop a thug, of course, is to remove his arms. Severing enemies’ body parts has been one of my secret favourite things to do in video games for years. I played the first level of Turok 2 over and over, never caring to progress in the game, just happy to play with the different weapons and see how they tore the monsters apart. Dead Island definitely strikes the right chords in this regard. Once you get your first cleaver or machete, you’ll never want to go back to pipes and wrenches. Blunt weapons can be used to break zombie bones (which is hilarious in its own way) and smash in their heads like so many pumpkins. Bladed weapons, logically, will completely remove the offender’s limbs. Sometimes you’ll swing at the right time when a zombie charges you, which will sever his head in one swing and put the game into slow motion to watch his head pop up while his body keep running past you. It’s quite awesome, but takes more than a little luck to pull off regularly.

Outside of thugs though, removing limbs isn’t strictly necessary, as by the time you’ve got that second arm off, that zombie’s probably re-dead anyway. Decapitation, of course, is always your best bet. They’re zombies! And they’re scary! A lone zombie isn’t much trouble; you’re equipped with a kick move that almost guarantees knocking a ghoul down, and once they’re down, they’re meat. Though as I noted before, a bunch of zombies can easily tear you a new one. I don’t know how many times now I was poking around and got mobbed by a group of four or five zombies. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but they hit hard and flail around pretty quickly. Especially the “infected” class of zombies, who are Dead Island’s version of the Hollywood zombie. Not that classifying the fast ones as “infected” makes a lick of sense. Aren’t all of them infected? Isn’t that the problem?

Anyway, I’m getting totally off-track here. My point there was that zombies are scary. Especially since they level up with you. You life bar gets bigger with each level-up, but it’s really moot because zombie arm/claw/bite/whatever strength increases at about the same pace. Infected class zombies (they move faster and hit harder) are even more lethal because if they get you, they usually get in three or four hits at a time. If you’re up against two or more infected, there’s a good chance you’re going to die. Regular zombies (“Walkers”) are considerably less dangerous, even in large groups. They have one advantage: they’re clever enough to get the drop on you. Walkers are the only zombies whose howls blend in with the ambient noises floating on the air, and they also like to play possum. I figured obsessing over tearing apart corpses to make sure they don’t get me when my back is turned was going to be a habit exclusive to Dead Space. I was wrong.

I’m sure there are other good things about Dead Island aside from zombies. There really probably are. It’s just, they’re all done better in other games. Most of them in a single game! That doesn’t mean it’s not worth playing though! If you can get over the slightly janky combat system, dependably buggy graphics, and vicious difficulty spike, you’ll have a grand old time on Banoi. Might even be better with friends. I’ll never know. I’m excluded from that world because I’m a dinosaur and prefer local multiplayer.

Catherine

It's mature!

Catherine is yet another game about duality. Yeah, there are lots of those. Ikaruga might be the most obvious and easiest example (Breath of Fire IV being the least obvious but most noteworthy). It’s not a terribly original idea for a video game anymore, and really, it wasn’t even an original concept in general by the time video games came around. I’m not a literature enthusiast, so I can’t name any examples, but I’m certain that traditional authors beat the idea into the ground long ago. Catherine however, uses it to great effect and unlike Ikaruga, does so a little more subtly. And by “subtly” I mean it’s not a core gameplay mechanic.

This duality becomes apparent if you notice the game’s logo, which is a yin-yang-esque seal that features Catherine and Katherine, the game’s two… I’m really not sure the best way to describe them. They play many roles in the game, which change depending on how you play it. They aren’t really the leading ladies and I’m even a little hesitant to call them secondary characters, because there are very few situations in which you can interact with them directly. Actually, I think the best description for the K/Catherines is “plot devices.”

The story of Catherine is a week in the life of Vincent Brooks, a man wavering under pressure to marry his longtime girlfriend (Katherine), who ends up spending a night with another woman (Catherine). The game follows Vincent for each of the seven days in this week, and possibly farther. I’ve only achieved one ending so far (of… three, maybe?), and it extended the story into nine days.

Over the course of this week+, Vincent goes through a lot, but the focus is on whether he longs more for the stability of a life of order, or the excitement of freedom. In the game, you are asked to make many decisions. The bulk of them are how you make Vincent react to the problems of the people around him, and only influence what ends up happening to those characters. There are a handful of questions asked to the player specifically though, which will shape how Vincent approaches his own problems. Every one of these choices, and even some other actions (like replying to text messages) affect a small meter that pops up and lets you know which way you’re headed. The NPC choices will tip the meter a little, depending on the answer you choose, but mandatory story choices will sometimes knock that thing a good quarter of the length of the whole bar.

The difference between this meter and the morality meter in countless other games (Mass Effect, Fable, etc) is that it not, in fact, a measure of how good or bad Vincent is. Though you can easily get the wrong idea, due to the fact that one side is blue (and is topped with a cherub) and the other is red (and adorned with a tiny devil child). This meter actually represents whether Vincent values freedom or order more, which is pretty morally ambiguous. Maybe Vince wants to live a life of freedom, not falling to the pressures of society to settle down and live his life the way he’s told to. But this doesn’t necessarily make him evil. It’s not even the <i>wrong</i> way to live. On the other hand, what makes “order” so inherently good? If you think about it even a little, it could easily be spun either way.

Therein lies the more subtle duality of the game. I mean, it’s not actually subtle because the game’s gonna be beating you over the head with that meter, but the point is that Vincent has a choice to make, which will affect what kind of person he ends up being. The subtlety is that little events are influenced by the meter here and there, but none of it makes a huge difference until late in the game, when Vincent finally has to confront his demons, whatever they may end up being.

The gameplay itself shows another kind of duality, but not within the mechanics themselves, but rather the separation of game mechanics. The game takes place over the course of a week, and you get to take control of the more interesting points of every day within that week. Each day is split into two separate play types. During the game’s “daytime” phase, which usually takes place between 8PM to 1AM, you get to watch the majority of story events unfold, and then get to hang out at Vincent’s favourite bar, The Stray Sheep. Sheep are actually a secondary theme in the game, but that’s someone else’s article. In the bar, you saunter around, talking to the various patrons and staff. About half of them are dealing with their own mid-life crisis, and you can listen to their stories and encourage them to face their problems. The other people about are generally around for entertainment purposes, generally giving cryptic hints about events to come, or cracking wise about Vincent’s predicament.

Other bar-time activities include texting the K/Catherines, visiting the washroom, changing the music via a jukebox, having drink, and playing an arcade game. Once in a while, Catherine will send a seductive photo with a text message, and Vincent won’t look at it unless he’s in the privacy of the washroom. That about all it’s there for. Also, you can have him wash his face, which will trigger a short event that will likely make you jump the first time it happens. A new music track for the jukebox is unlocked with each achievement you earn, which is great because achievements are almost never accompanied by a tangible reward. And sitting down to have a drink will (obviously) increase Vincent’s alcohol meter, which will cause him to move faster at “nighttime.” Also, when you finish a drink, the game will show you a little trivia about whatever you just polished off. It’s an odd feature, but I found it compelling and proceeded to get Vince stone drunk every night so I could hear as many as possible.

The daytime segments are cool, and do a great job of moving the story forward and building the characters, but they’re more than a little slow. That’s where nighttime comes into play. The other big dilemma Vincent is facing is that every night he gets trapped in a nightmare where he must climb a tower of blocks or else be brutally murdered. Not a huge issue normally, but due to a mysterious string of young men found to have died in their sleep, it seems quite likely that if Vincent dies in the dream, he dies for real. This is where the game does a complete 180, ripping you out of the safety of the bar and literally forces you to think on your feet or die.

The nightmare sequences’ “Levels” are made up of between one and six themed floors of crumbling block towers. They’re more like block walls, really, but the point is the same: you need to manipulate the blocks in the tower/wall to make a way to the top. On easy mode there are only a handful of really tricky parts in the second half of the game, but even on normal, you’re looking at some rather clever puzzles as early as the second night. Those puzzles are only half the problem too, because the tower below you is crumbling away pretty quickly. Having to think about a puzzle might lose you the high score, but if you really can’t figure it out, you’re dead. And of course, classic video game staples like bad guys and trap blocks are there to make life that much harder for you. Unlike the relaxed atmosphere of the bar, you really get a sense that in the nightmares, the game wants you to die.

Other notes here are that you’re scored on your speed and how many coins you pick up, and are given a trophy at the end of each night. They’re mostly irrelevant, but unlock new stages in an extra game mode if you earn them on normal or hard difficulty. The last floor of each stage is also a boss “fight,” where instead of racing against falling blocks, there’s a giant monster clawing at you heels. Occasionally they will change the properties of random blocks or shoot lighting bolts or razor blades at you. These floors are usually the most frantic, and far and away the most fun in the game.

Generally, Catherine (the game, not the character) is more than happy to keep the bar and nightmare sequences completely segregated. Though as always, there are exceptions. I’d mentioned that there is an arcade game in the bar, should you feel like whiling away your time on a game within a game. The really fun part is that Rapunzel is a tiny reproduction of the main game’s nightmare stage gameplay. Instead of the walls being hundreds of blocks high, they’re only maybe a dozen. At least, for the first few stages. There is no time limit in Rapunzel, but you do only get a certain amount of moves per stage, putting the focus on solving puzzles. These puzzles are much more devious than those in the main game too, as I’ve only managed to get to stage eight out of 64 (Maybe. There’s an achievement for beating stage 64, anyway. I assume it’s the end). It gets even deeper when Vincent receives a taunting text message that says that Rapunzel also has multiple endings. When has that ever happened before in the history of video games?

The nightmare stages also give you a change for a little reprieve in between floors. There, you’re treated to a nice little sanctuary, where every other man suffering from the nightmare stands waiting to challenge the next floor. These men all look like sheep in the dream world (which ends up being tied into the story), and some of them will have defining traits like ties or hair. These ones are people you can interact with in the bar, and will open up to you even more here, since to them, you’re the one who looks like an anonymous sheep. You can continue to encourage them to keep climbing here, and some will even share climbing techniques with you. Until late in the game there’s a merchant sheep here too, who will sell you items that can give you a small edge. But buying items costs points, and is therefore a bad idea if you want to earn gold trophies. Besides, items can be found while climbing the towers themselves, and the game (on easy mode at least) is pretty good about doling out items when they’ll be most useful.

The way Catherine draws its parallels is a fairly unique one in that it shows you two options, but then proceeds to blur the distinction between the two. Katherine and Catherine, freedom and order, the bar and the nightmare. While it goes out of its way to make it seem like there’s a proper and improper way to go about playing the game, that’s just to mislead you; it’s really all gray area. Just because you want Vince to hook up with Catherine doesn’t mean you need to be a complete ass to Katherine. But you can. Don’t like the puzzle stages and want to get back to the story? Choose easy mode and look up speed run videos on YouTube. Don’t like the slower bar sequences? Skip them. Or just play Rapunzel. The game is about growing up and taking responsibility. Or maybe it’s not, because the game is really about choices. (Actually, maybe it really is because I’ve only played through as a solid seeker of order.) The point is that Catherine wants to show you that there’s always a choice. It wants you to know that for every choice you make, there’s another you didn’t. For every yin there’s a yang. For every Katherine, there’s a Catherine.

Monster Hunter: Dynamic Hunting

I don’t think I ever even gave it a passing mention here, because I’d basically abandoned the blog for the duration of 2010, but when Monster Hunter Tri hit the Wii in April last year, I developed a sickening obsession with the game. And I mean that literally. I gave up a lot of sleep for Monster Hunter, and my health suffered for it. Then it got worse when I discovered Monster Hunter Freedom: Unite for PSP. I mean, my PSP was happy because it was actually getting some use (Dissidia: Final Fantasy has had the same effect), but Stephanie did not, because I had access to Monster Hunter wherever and whenever I wanted. At least with Tri, I was only able to play while in my room.

If you haven’t heard of the Monster Hunter series, get on the bus, man! It’s the only reason I’ve ever been compelled to play video games with people online for reasons other than novelty, and aside from Castlevania: Harmony of Despair, it’s been the only one since. The premise is that you, with up to three other hunters, march around in various environments with gigantic swords (or axes, if you’re cool) and track down even bigger monsters. You then proceed to attempt to slay or capture said beasts. Most of the time you will be slaughtered. These monsters are exactly as powerful as they are huge, and most of them are fast, too. Your only hope is to use monster loot and precious stones and whatnot to craft slightly stronger armor and weapons. Even the strongest armor will only keep you alive through a handful of hits from the bigger beasts, though, so it’s more about learning the monsters’ weaknesses (physical and elemental), patterns, and tells. Knowing when to strike is far more important than the next weapon upgrade.

The downside to the game’s process is that while it’s fun, hunts can tend to take a long time. If you’re really unlucky, you can spend your entire time limit (each hunt it timed, BTW) just trying to find your mark. It’s a less common problem in MH3 than MHFU, because monster start points  seem to be randomized in the PSP game, but the beasts still wander the environments fairly randomly in both games. Monsters can also take a lot of damage, and since they have no visible life bar, you’re stuck wondering until they start to limp around and run away from you in hopes of recovering a bit. I think that in the context of the game, this is fine, but in the real world, you can’t just sit down and run a few quick hunts. Unless you’re playing solo runs of the weakest monsters, you have to make a real time investment when you play Monster Hunter.

And that’s where Monster Hunter: Dynamic Hunting comes into play.

Dynamic Hunting is Capcom’s newest entry in the series, and is the long overdue first iOS Monster Hunter title. Give how big the series is in Japan and that it’s gaining some fairly good traction in North America, I’m surprised that Capcom, the house of a million sequels, took so long to get this out. I’m glad they waited and crafted an excellent mobile spin-off of the series, though, instead of rushing out a quick cash-in app.

So like I said, I think MHDH is pretty fantastic. It’s got the spirit and personality befitting of a true Monster Hunter title, and it’s extremely accessible and quick to play too! The important thing for a mobile game, as I’m sure everyone who knows anything about game development knows, is that you can pick it up and play for three minutes here and there. That’s why games like Angry Birds and Fruit Ninja work so well on the platform. Yes, developers will try to export these titles to dedicated gaming machines to make a quick buck off the gullible casual crowd, but they belong on a handheld device. I, personally, have never felt that Cut the Rope would benefit from a WiiWare or Kinect re-release. I don’t go to my couch and TV for bite-sized games. That’s where I go to put in an hours-long session of Final Fantasy XII or bounce around aimlessly in the vast worlds of Super Mario Galaxy.

What Dynamic Hunting does differently is cut out the hunt part entirely. It probably should have been called something more along the lines of Dynamic Fighting, but we’ll ignore that little inaccuracy. The whole concept of the game is straight one-on-one fights against a select handful of the MHFU roster. I’ve only progressed to the point of seeing twelve available monsters in three tiers of four, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that there’s still a fourth tier to unlock. Five would just be gravy. While loading times are a little longer than I’d like, you can navigate your way into a fight very quickly, and I don’t think I’ve seen a mission time limit go over five minutes yet, resulting in the first Monster Hunter title that you can actually make a little headway in over the course of a single lunch break.

Though the true hunt is out, most other Monter Hunter elements are in, albeit in a scaled-back manner. You still have items, though the extent that you see them is in a few potions and another item specific to each hunt which are available each time you start a hunt. You can’t buy new stuff or swap in more useful tools, but the mechanics don’t really require item use. Antidotes are going to be the non-potion item used the most, as all the hunts are kill missions; capturing monsters is no longer an option. You can buy power-up drinks to use before a hunt with in-game currency or pay real money for “G” versions of them, but to be honest, I keep forgetting they’re even there.

Weapons and armor run on the same crafting system as full Monster Hunter games, with a few key differences. Since exploration is out, all your materials are monster loot, making it necessary to remember which monsters drop which ores. Armor no longer comes in separate helmets, gloves, body armor, and leggings, but rather as complete sets. This is nice because you never look like a mismatched idiot, but you also lose the benefit of mixing and matching bonus effects. Weapon choices have been reduced to sword & shield combos, great swords, and dual swords. The options give you about as much variety as you’ll need, but I’m very sad that my beloved switch axe wasn’t included. Given that the game is based on MHFU, I guess the switch axe wouldn’t have been included anyway though. Not sweating the loss of lances though. Never liked the lance. Notably, you cannot choose to play as a female hunter. This had better be fixed in an upcoming update.

Controls are great for a touch-only title, even though they suffer from the usual lack of accuracy plaguing all touch games that require fast and precise actions. Your hunter is in a constant state of “z-targeting,” always facing the target monster, and dragging in any direction will move him in that direction. A tap will make him swing his weapon, and a swipe will launch a super attack. Holding two fingers on the screen will block (unless you have the dual swords equipped, which cannot block), and a two-fingered swipe will cause your hunter to dodge. It’s super-easy to get the hang of, and ends up being a game of delivering a few blows when you see and opening and watching for the dodge cues. The swipe attack, I find, is the only action that doesn’t work reliably, which is a shame because using one when a monster is winding up its own attack will result in a counter and a nice big opening to get in a few more easy hits.

The game is not perfect, however. Monster Hunter games are not easy to begin with. Like real hunting, they require skill and patience. Generally you will hunt a new monster and get killed a couple times before you know it well enough to really stand a chance. Eventually the monsters are so powerful that they do get really hard (Tigrex and Barioth spring to mind), but the difficulty curve is usually sloped enough that it doesn’t feel like you’ve gone from basic training to expert mode. Dynamic Hunting though, doesn’t really work the same. The first four monsters put up a fight, but all of them go down fairly easy. The gap in difficulty between Khezu and Basarios, though, is huge. Basarios is not overpowered or unfair, but his attacks have short wind-ups and small dodge opportunities. You really have to step up your game at this point. The jump from tier two to tier three is just as wide, and I’ve only barely been able to survive the first two monsters of that tier. It never really feels like you’re hitting a brick wall, but the game definitely goes from a casual timesink to an intense test of monk-level focus. This is where patience, more than anything, is absolutely necessary. If there is a fourth tier waiting in the wings, I shudder to think of the horrors that will reside there. I’d like to be able to see some of the later monsters from MHFU though, as I hit my brick wall there at Kushala Daora.

The other slight issue I have with the game is the ranking system. Each hunt will end with you being assigned an overall rank from S to D. This rank is based on four factors: mission, life, time, and parts. You’ll get a sub-rank for each category, and your hunt rank is decided by (I think) the average of those. The problem here is that the game never tells you what those categories mean. Life and time are easy enough to figure out, and Monster Hunter vets can deduce that the parts score is earned by damaging specific points on a monster’s body. The mission rank is a huge question mark though. The Monster Hunter Wiki says that it’s a score of how well you dodge and block a monster’s attacks. That’s all well and good, but if you kill a monster without giving it an opportunity to attack (only possible on Yian Kut-Ku and maaaaybe Congalala), you get a big fat zero. Needless to say, earning even an overall A on a hunt is hard, whereas only the best hunters could even dream of seeing that big S on their results screen.

The last thing I need to complain about is sort of a Super Smash Bros. quibble. I know that there are a limited amount of monsters in this game. I wouldn’t be surprised if the third tier was the last. But within those twelve monsters are two colour-swapped versions of previous monsters. Includng Yian Kut-Ku and Yian Garuga was a little sketchy, but they’re different enough to justify having both in. Blue Yian Kut-Ku, however, is just a slightly faster version with more HP. Red Khezu is the same way. Maybe they have slightly different attacks, but really only in the way that Dr. Mario throws pills as opposed to regular Mario’s fireballs.

In between the last paragraph and this one, I actually stopped to finish the game, and it turns out that the third tier was the last. Red Khezu, despite being a buffed palette swap, was the hardest of the four and Monoblos, the final monster, was relatively easy. Getting even an A rank on him will be nearly impossible, but having spent as much time getting murdered by his big brother Diablos in MH3 as I did, he’s not super hard to kill.

In the end, I feel that Monster Hunter: Dynamic Hunting was an excellent investment of $5. Yes, it’s a little more expensive than the average iOS app, but it’s also cheaper than Final Fantasy III, and I think that MHDH will provide a more balanced fun:grind ratio. Given, all I really have left to accomplish in the game is to bolster my hunt ranks, grind out all the equipment and earn all the achievements, but I think that even this very basic Monster Hunter experience is a fun and exciting one. Not to mention that now I have a true portable version of Monster Hunter.

EDIT (17/09/11) : Due to the constant updates applied to mobile games, there is now a fourth tier of monsters available to fight. Kushala Daora is not among them, but my old nemesis Tigrex is.

Image Gallery

Parallel Lines : Guitar Hero + MegaMan Battle Network

Quite often in the world of television games, there are set standards that will always ring true. Licensed games (based on movies, TV shows, toy lines, etc) will almost always be unplayably bad. Japanese RPGs will require hours and hours of level grinding. Madden 20XX will sell like hotcakes. Japanese and western developers will have exactly the opposite ideas of how games should be. And that last one is the important one here, because recently I’ve noticed that two completely different game series have evolved in almost the exact same pattern, and not only is one American-born and the other of Japanese heritage, but they’re of nearly opposite genres as well and come almost exclusively on different platforms.

Our first series is the “illustrious” MegaMan Battle Network. A stiflingly brilliant mash up of action and RPG, the Battle Network series was the first standout RPG series on the GameBoy Advance. It reinvented MegaMan and his world, and even cut him down to co-star, forced to share the spotlight with a rather vanilla human hero. Then we have Guitar Hero, which blew up the music game genre, and made the world embrace the art of playing a pretend guitar. Both series have come a long way, and coincidentally have shared many of the same steps along their separate paths.

MegaMan Battle Network took the idea of making MegaMan into a portable-friendly RPG, and then twisted it to make it feel like the action games that the plucky blue robot was known for. The world was re-imagined as a place where anything and everything was connected to the internet and the titular hero was but a program that answered to the back and call of the other main character, Lan Hikari. While Lan would run about around the world talking to ridiculous caricatures and completing tedious fetch quests, MegaMan’s portions were puzzle solving and virus busting. The gameplay made great use of MegaMan’s penchant for acquiring a wide array of secondary weapons, which were represented by battle chips that you could carry 20 of with you at any time. These were weapons that came in a nearly infinite variety, from shotguns to gigantic wooden spikes to flamethrowers to time bombs. They made the Mega Buster look absolutely useless in comparison, and gave the game a great deal of depth. You could battle in as many ways as you could come up with. Maybe you only wanted to use sword weapons. Maybe you’d rely mostly on using Navi chips, which summoned powerful allies to deal huge damage. Maybe you’d build a chip deck that took advantage of a special element. It was absolutely the most original MegaMan game made in years, despite the fact that there were a lot of recycled ideas from the MegaMan “continuity.”

Guitar Hero, on the other hand, was one of the PS2’s last breakout hits, and more than likely it’s best selling specialty controller game. The music genre was more or less just DDR in North America at that point, with very few music games escaping Japan, and even fewer that you’d actually hear about. But Guitar Hero was a game tailor-made for American gamers and music lovers. It took our most beloved instrument, turned it into a plastic toy, and made it so much more accessible than the real deal. The game featured 30 songs that ranged from legendary rockers to upstart Gen-Y groups, and then 17 more by bands that you’d never heard of. They were all covers, and 30 doesn’t really seem like a lot these days (the latest ones are pushing 100 on-disc tracks), but God damn the spirit of rock ‘n’ roll was alive here. You had songs by Queen, Boston, Judas Priest, Megadeth, Jimi Hendrix and the Ramones. It was challenging to learn too, but ultimately extremely satisfying to finally pull off incredible feats like a five-star performance on “Cowboys From Hell.” Guitar Hero was definitely a sleeper hit, as finding a copy of the game and guitar set within the first few months of the game’s release was like trying to find a Sasquatch; maybe you thought you saw one once, but really it was just a display box set there to fake you out.

Both games were exceptional, standout titles that represented their respective genres wonderfully. Battle Network gave people something truly entertaining to play on their GBAs besides the Mario Bros. pack-in that came with Super Mario Advance. Guitar Hero showed people that playing games for the fun of rocking out and getting high scores was just as (if not way more) fun as mindlessly running people over all day in GTA: Whatever City. And both games had their faults too. MMBN was a Japanese RPG, meaning that it would be chock full of tedious running around, and its plot was sufficiently goofy. Worming your way around the it-all-looks-the-same internet was annoying and most of the puzzles were either stupid or totally opaque. Guitar Hero couldn’t be played on a HDTV because it features no lag calibration, and even that tiny bit of lag can totally ruin the flow of a game built around the precision of the player’s input. Said input was a little unrefined too, with hammer-ons and pull-offs (HOPOs) being very difficult to execute reliably, and a rather lackluster multiplayer option. Also, Franz Ferdinand. Blech.

Capcom (who develop the MegaMan games, for those out of the loop) has a well known tradition of always making the second game in each series the absolute pinnacle. This was no different with MegaMan Battle Network 2. It was essentially the same game, but beefed up to be so much more awesome. New character customization options, nearly twice as many battle chips, a slightly less stupid plot, and even cooler boss enemies. Little did I know that Guitar Hero 2 would follow this exact same trend; bigger (and somehow even better) setlist, more unlockables, improved HOPOs, and a practice mode. Both games even got a multiplayer upgrade; GH2 now lets players play the entire song in face-off and includes a co-operative mode, while MMBN2 got a two-player net battle mode added onto the original’s somewhat pitiful trading-only multiplayer option. It should be known that the second installment in both series remains my favourite.

The third Battle Network game was equally as good as the second, much like in the original MegaMan series, but something was off. There were more chips and bosses and post-game content than ever, but the magic was starting to fade. It was starting to get the feeling of the same thing over and over again. It felt like Capcom was just going through the motions. And maybe there was even too much. The Navi customizer easily gave you the ability to tweak your playing style even more, but it also introduced a whole new set of baubles to roam around searching for. It even pushed the multiplayer envelope even farther by releasing two slightly different versions of the game, each with a few exclusive elements that made you get together with a friend to trade for.

Guitar Hero 3 upped the multiplayer ante too, but in a much more legitimate way, by including the option of online play. It was easily the best feature of the game, as the series had shifted developers, and its new handlers, Neversoft (the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater guys) tried way too hard to take Guitar Hero and make it more extreme. They put in cutscenes and changed the HUD and spoiled the selection of unlockable tracks and gave Judy Nails a very unmistakable boob job. Also they cut Pandora, my favourite character. The main set list was still of a fairly solid selection, but the rest of the package was getting to be too much. The obnoxious and loud presentation wasn’t anywhere near as lovable as the notebook-and-doodles aesthetic of the previous entries in the series. Neversoft was taking Guitar Hero way too seriously, and while the core experience -playing great rock tunes with a plastic guitar- was as good as ever, it was starting to smell of the same been-there-done-that odor that had settled upon Battle Network 3. And it was way too hard, to boot. “Raining Blood” makes this game sooooo much less fun.

In both cases, where the fourth game in the series is concerned, the less said, the better. At this point in both series lifespans, the developers had openly admitted to wanting to milk their respective series for as much cash as they could while the games were at the peaks of their popularity. Battle Network 4 was a disaster. Not only was the main plot device a lame battle tournament, but you had to complete the asinine story three times to get everything. Each time you would play on the next difficulty, and unlock a new rank of chips and gear each time. It was awful, and I don’t believe I cared enough to make it through my second run, even though I’d stuck with both BN2 and 3 all the way to 100% completions. You don’t even get to see all the boss enemies until you’ve played through all three time. But that’s not so awful as it could be, because the bosses were starting to seem less like souped-up versions of classic MegaMan enemies, and more like big goofballs. The only nice thing I have to say is that at least here they gave the two versions very distinct differences, with a completely different set of bosses and transformations for MegaMan. It would have made playing both versions worthwhile if the game hadn’t been completely broken. And speaking of broken, I’m not even going to get into that whole Dark Chip mess.

Guitar Hero: World Tour was also a horrible abortion of a game, and hopefully remain the black sheep of the family forever. I dread the idea of a worse Guitar Hero game. Oh, no wait, that was Band Hero. But that’s not the point. World Tour was Neversoft’s attempt at competing with the stellar Rock Band. Adding vocals and drums wouldn’t have been so bad, but that was the point where the directors said that people weren’t crazy enough about Guitar Hero and figured they should branch out with the kinds of music they’d put in the game. What resulted was a overall tepid and unexciting set list that left me wishing I hadn’t wasted $60 bucks on it. Seriously, there are like six good songs in the game. And I know the selection was less than perfect in GH3, but cutting out the unlockable songs altogether? Criminals! Unlocking those tracks (as arbitrary a content block as it might have been) was always special, and that feeling was completely void in this game. The upside is that I kind of like the slider parts, as it makes sequences that I’m nowhere near good enough to play possible. And what’s the deal with making me play a whole set at a time? I never liked that part of Rock Band and I surely don’t like it here. I like to have the option, but I don’t want it forced on me.

Both Battle Network 5 and Guitar Hero 5 seemed to bring redemption to their respective franchises, at least that’s what all the pre-release media led us to believe. To say they restored their families’ good names would be a bit much, but they were certainly a step back in the right direction. Guitar Hero 5 accomplished this mainly by making a much better set list. Not only does it contain “Under Pressure” (goes up a whole letter grade for that alone), but it has two Tom Petty songs and Megadeth is back! Plus Rush! How could I be mad at a game that includes Rush? The ability to play with any combination of instruments is a monumental improvement too. The guy who gets stuck on drums is always disappointed, and eight times out of ten, people will choose not to play over having to sing, so allowing everyone to play guitar together makes the game so much more party-friendly. Speaking of which, there’s all those party modes in there too, but as someone who mostly plays solo, I really haven’t tried any of them, and I doubt they would enhance my multiplayer experience (I prefer to play co-op). And switching up the gameplay by using challenges to unlock extra content is nice, but it also kind of sucks for those of us that don’t own a drum kit and are exempt from certain challenges. It’s still saddled with some truly awful tunes (Coldplay again? Fuck guys, learn! Coldplay sucks!), and it doesn’t quite have that true Guitar Hero feel yet, but I’m much less ashamed to own this than World Tour.

Battle Network 5 on the other hand, changes things up by *SHOCK!* changing the gameplay itself. 80% of the game is still traditional Battle Network fare, alternating between running around as Lan and blasting viruses as MegaMan, but then there’s a new twist. Not only can MegaMan assume the style and powers of his ally NetNavis, but you can actually play as them in certain parts of the game! Also, there’s a cool new strategy-style game mode that shakes things up a bit. It’s a little jarring to have something so different in a game franchise that prides itself on being the same thing over and over again with minimal changes, but it’s actually a pretty sweet sub-game. It actually requires quite a bit of planning and strategy, and the later instances can get incredibly hard, though it never feels like an unfair fight. They also dropped the lame “play it three times!” schtick, which in itself is a major improvement. The overarching plot is actually kind of good too, even if it has the usual MegaMan stupidness and plot holes mixed in. The ally characters aren’t really the coolest ones they could have chosen, but it’s nice to see some fresh faces in Mega’s place. And this one takes the version split even farther, developing two parallel but very different stories.

Battle Network 6 scaled itself back down a bit in terms of ambition and diversity, but it was the closest the series has come to trumping BN2. The version split isn’t quite as huge as in the last two games, but each still contains a unique set of ally characters. And MegaMan’s transformation powers have been tweaked to be so much greater than ever, giving him his allies’ forms without time limits, a super-powerful standard Beast transformation, and nearly unstoppable Beast versions of each of the other forms. While BN6 drops the strategy sub-game, it allows you to play as the ally characters much more freely and all but removes the horrible, game-breaking Dark Chips. The story ends here, officially putting the series to bed, and I honestly was happy that it ended on such a good note. Had Battle Network 4 been the last one, it would have left a bad taste in my mouth that might have fouled my love for the older games in the series. But things got much better from there on in, and while 4 is best avoided and 5 is skippable, Battle Network 6 is definitely a chapter in the series that fans will enjoy. I know I was very pleased that I enjoyed the game to stick with it long enough to almost hit %100 completion again. I let a few of the higher-class chips go, but I essentially saw all that the game had to offer, and that’s way more than I got from 4 and 5.

Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock is still about a month away from release, but eveyrthing that has been said about it to this point shows that Neversoft is finally going back to what made Guitar Hero so great in the first place. The track list is looking to be about 90% metal and rock ‘n’ roll, with the other 10% made up of punk and alternative music. This is great. They finally understand that we play Guitar Hero because we love guitar songs, not just to play popular music. Rush is basically the face band for the game, and if I was ecstatic that GH5 had one Rush song in it, imagine how I felt when Neversoft announced that the entire “2112” suite will be in Warriors of Rock. The fact that Dave Mustaine and Gene Simmons are both involved in the game also boosts its rock credibility quite a bit. Say what you want about how refined Rock Band is getting, but it most certainly lacks the star power that Guitar Hero boasts. I like that the “quest mode” is focused on completing challenges again, but I hope this time they level the playing field for the rest of us and allow all content to be unlocked by one person on guitar. I don’t want to be exempt from parts of my game because I don’t know three other people who play at Expert level. Still, it looks like it’s going to be a fantastic game, and I have a good feeling that it’s going to bring back that love I felt for the Guitar Hero franchise way back in GH2.

While the MegaMan Battle Network series is technically dead (the MegaMan Star Force games were flashy sequels masquerading as a new series), Guitar Hero lives on, but is going to be developed by a new team after Warriors of Rock, so who knows what’s in store for it. But if you look at the parallels between the two, we can see that the next Guitar Hero will parade around under a flimsy mask pretending it’s a new series, when it’s really just a sequel with fancier graphics and less interesting gameplay. After that it will spawn two sequels and then Activision will finally realize than nobody really cares about it anymore and then remake the first game with some extra content culled from the “new series” but nobody will care because they’re content to play GH2 and Warriors of Rock until the end of time. It’s a bold prediction, but look at the signs, man!

Super Mario Galaxy 2 Loves Bein’ Green

About two and a half years ago, a wonderous little thing called Super Mario Galaxy happened. It was magical, and I hastily labeled it my very favourite Wii game. That title had not fallen, even though I’ve finished the game but once, until now. Super Mario Galaxy 2 is quite possibly the most direct sequel that Nintendo has ever made. It’s the exact same game, just crammed with boatloads of new ideas. All the fat has been trimmed, leaving a very polished, very intense gaming experience behind.

But maybe there’s something you didn’t know about Mario Galaxy 2. It’s got a thing about colours. To this you might say “Oh of course, Ryan. Both Mario Galaxy games have very vibrant and extensive colour palettes. They are indeed quite colourful!” But I’m not talking about the graphics, or the art style. What I’ve noticed, is that many of the outstanding elements in the game are all tied around a single colour, and it’s ain’t Mario Cap Red. Nope, the little bro gets his dues here because this game is all about green.

That’s right. It’s called Super Mario Galaxy, but the recurring theme of green in the game is undeniable and screams Luigi. And there’s no better way to present this theory than with the element of gameplay that Nintendo is pushing more than anything: Yoshi.

Now me and Yoshi have had a very turbulent relationship. In the beginning, things were peachy. He first showed up in Super Mario World, where not only was he just slightly less useful than the cape power-up, but he would also selflessly hurtle himself into the void in hopes of giving Mario a big enough boost to make that jump that was just a little too long. Now that’s friendship! Back then, getting Yoshi was something to be very happy about. There was absolutely no reason not to saddle up the dino. He was great. His starring role in Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island brought us even closer, as that is undoubtedly one of the best platform games ever crafted.

Things took a turn for the worse when Yoshi’s Story came out though. It wasn’t a terrible game, but it suffered from a few odd design choices, like the game being six levels long, even though it contained 24 in total. And the baby Yoshi voice. It could have been a one-time annoyance, but no. Nintendo somehow decided to make the grating Baby Yoshi voice the de facto standard for any time noise might slip out of a Yoshi. Maybe it was to annoy people out of buying their games, maybe it was because they wanted people to hate Yoshi. I don’t know why, but it happened.

Add in the fact here that in the Super Smash Bros. series, Yoshi is nigh unplayable, and you’ve got yourself a real stinker of a character. Super Mario Sunshine seemed poised to make Yoshi a desirable companion, but in the end, it just got worse. As you played through that game, you quickly learned that anytime you saw a Yoshi egg, it was pretty much guaranteed that you were about to be forced through an either extremely annoying or difficult (often both!) challenge. Not to mention that it was an unnecessary hassle to find Yoshi a particular kind of fruit for each challenge, and there would usually be only one on the level and it would be quite far from your goal.

Super Mario Galaxy has turned it all around though. Yoshi is back, and while his voice is still a pain in the ears, he has definitely earned back his place as a worthy sidekick. Not only is Mario once again able to jettison Yoshi to his doom to save himself from a deadly fall, but unlike Sunshine, finding a Yoshi egg inspires hope, because levels with Yoshi in them are fun here. For example, there is a flower that Yoshi can grapple with his tongue and use to swing back and forth like some sort of bionic commando, and just flipping around on these flowers is worth hours of fun! Yoshi’s flutter jump will also save your ass countless times as you work your way through Galaxy 2, and every single time he shows up, you will be grateful.

As an aside, Yoshi has fruit-activated abilities again. Besides the mostly uninteresting Bulb Berry, they seem to be based on Sunshine’s FLUDD backpack. The Dash Pepper, for instance, will make Yoshi run at a high velocity, allowing him to run up walls and, more notably, dash across the surface of water. Sound familiar? And the Blimp Fruit is used to propel the duo into the air, allowing them to reach great hights or hover around for a while. Again, I’m feeling a little deja vu. Whether this was on purpose or a very sly nod to Sunshine, I don’t know, but I think it’s neat either way.

To continue with my green theory, we’ll also have a look at one-up mushrooms. They are an iconic Mario item, and they are not at all lacking in Super Mario Galaxy 2. In fact, there may be too many. The first Galaxy easily provided more than enough lives to get by, but Galaxy 2 takes it to the extreme. Not only are the bright green ‘shrooms just laying around everywhere, but there are countless opportunities to earn more.

In nearly every galaxy, there is a teleport pad that will take Mario to a small arena, where if he is able to defeat a handful of enemies quickly, he is rewarded with not one, but three 1-up mushrooms. On Starship Mario there is a die you can hit that will either release a 1-up or a star bit, and later on you can enter a pipe on the ship that allows you to buy five more die that can yield up to five 1-up mushrooms each. That’s a possible twenty-five lives. It’s not likely that you’ll get the yahtzee, but the possibility is there.

Last but not least (probably not even last, I just can’t think of any more examples) just like in the first Galaxy, every time you boot up the game, there is a mailtoad who will give you five free one-ups. Excessive? Yes. In a prolonged play session, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to reach the 50-life mark. In my longest session, I far surpassed the 99-life cap. Of course, there are some hidden terms here, the most notable being that every time you turn the game off, your stock of extra lives goes back to a measly four. And also, once you get to the latter parts of the game, you’ll probably need all of those lives. Why? The green stars are a pretty good reason.

And what exactly do I mean by green stars? Firstly, I’ll ask you to stop reading if you haven’t finished the game and don’t want to be spoiled. Now that I’ve warned you, I’ll tell you this: the green stars are both a blessing and a curse. Once you’ve acquired all 120 gold/yellow stars and trounced Bowser, the game will unleash another 120 stars into the galaxies. They are green, and they will give you headaches.

The bad news is that these headaches will likely come from annoyance and monotony. The green stars are not 120 new challenges, but rather they are simply placed into the galaxies you’ve already cleaned out. Just hanging out there. It turns the back half of the game into something that comes eerily close to a collectathon. However! There is a better side to this.

Obviously, you want to play these levels again. Or at least most of them. The game is so big and full of great ideas that it’s still fun to just run around like an idiot in the many galaxies searching for the green stars. And while a few are a bit uninspired, the worst of them being situated right beside a regular star, the majority of them require some serious skills. Or at least serious accuracy. At least half of the green stars that I’ve collected to this point (currently counting a measly 31) have been floating out in the middle of nowhere, meaning that you’re making a big jump, and if you miss, you die.

Until I embarked on the hunt for green stars, I had no idea why Nintendo had created so gosh darn many opportunities to reap massive amounts of extra lives. The answer being that most of those green stars are literally death traps, and they demand that you be perfect. They are brutal, and if you have any trouble getting through the front half of the game, you’d best be prepared to either step it up a notch or just give up while you’re ahead. Did I mention that most of them are just a little bit farther than Mario can jump comfortably? Yeah, that makes the need for precision even more dire. Well, precision or someone who can jump higher and farther.

And that’s when we come back around to the man in green himself: Luigi. Luigi initially appears fairly early in the game, urging Mario to let him help collect some of the many power stars. And from that point, Luigi will appear at the beginning of certain missions, asking you to let him take over for a while. Using Luigi for that particular star will usually unlock a Luigi ghost, who will in turn lead you to a hidden star on your next run through that stage. It’s not the most logical event, but it happens.

Other than the few scripted appearances, once you’ve defeated Bowser in World 6 for the first time, you can freely switch between bros on Starship Mario, allowing you to take control of the L-Man whenever you desire. He still inexplicably lacks friction, but he does jump higher, making jump-based challenges easier, and many green stars a lot less deadly. Of course, this is kind of a step down for Weegie, who got an entire game mode to himself in the first Galaxy, but I suppose it’s nice for people who don’t want to play with him, as now he isn’t a mandatory step in reaching the very end.

It’s a little sad that Luigi has been demoted from second quest material to a common beggar, especially since someone on staff saw it fit to make so much of the game revolve around his trademark colour of green. But what can we do except take it as it is and simply make that choice to play as Luigi. His place in the galaxy may not be as glamorous as it was in years past, but at least we can still see from this recurring theme that he is loved, even though it’s a total pain in the ass to try to control him on the ground. Like seriously, do his shoes secrete oil or something?

I like Ke$ha. Whatever.

NB: This article was originally withheld due to barrel-bottom quality. Read at your own risk.

I’m fairly sure that my first encounter with new pop sensation Ke$ha was in a mall store. Probably Garage or something. But anyway, it was a somewhat obscured listening to her first big single “TiK ToK.” I was at first mildly annoyed by the song, writing it off as yet another one-hit wonder with yet another lame song about clubbing. It left a bit of an imprint in my mind though, because I caught myself humming it one day completely randomly, despite the fact that I hadn’t even heard the entire song.

And then I stated hearing it all the time. On the radio. In the clubs. On the woman’s iPod. As a music snob, my first instinct upon hearing a new song by an artist I’m not familiar with is to listen carefully to the lyrics so as to assess their artistic merit and pass final judgement on that song on that single aspect. Noting that the lyrics to “TiK ToK” were basically garbage (a hypothesis confirmed when I looked them up online), I decided that I did not like the song. I like my fair share of crappy songs, but the lyrics in this one really turned me off.

The thing that bothered me even more than the questionable lyrics was the fact that Ke$ha’s gimmick was apparently to slur her lyrics as if singing drunk. Singing about alcohol or being a drunk is one thing, but singing as if you are drunk is another thing entirely. I was unhappy to learn that it was in fact a recurring device in her music when the second single, “Blah Blah Blah,” hit. I found this song even more offensive, and at this point Stephanie became annoyed at me constantly voicing my annoyance at Ke$ha, since she had taking a liking to the songs, the latter possibly even moreso than the former.

It was a phenomenon that I was hoping would simply go away, like every other slutty pop tart eventually has. I decided to just try to suffer through it as quietly as possible, for Steph’s sake, but then it went up to the next level. We ended up hanging out at our friend’s place one night, and for a reason that I could not fathom at the time, Ke$ha’s album, Animal, had somehow found its way onto his iPod, which happened to be providing the background music for the evening. I suppressed as many negative comments as I could (of course not all could be contained), and tried to listen to a handful of other songs from the album. I was hard though, because we were talking over it, and for some reason “Blah Blah Blah” kept playing. I theorize that Steph had a hand in it in an attempt to annoy the crap out of me in a place where she knew I would hold in most of my criticism (and I wouldn’t blame her at all, I’m really fucking annoying when it comes to complaining about music I don’t like).

Not long after that night, I looked up Ke$ha’s Wikipedia entry to shed some light on the subject. Know thy enemy and all. And that’s when all my hate processes came to halt. Well, not a complete stop. But after following up with the reference pages, I was shocked to learn that not only was she actually really smart, as opposed to an idiot blonde whore (listen to the lyrics. Who wouldn’t come to that conclusion?), but the lyrics aren’t serious and are in fact supposed to be somewhat satiric. This made my head spin. And then she lists Queen and Beck (both of whose music I deeply respect) as inspirations. I’d never been less sure of what to think.

The very next day I was playing pool with Edwin, and completely randomly he mentioned that he’d listened to the entirety of Animal and that aside from the two singles, he found it an incredibly appealing album. Now, Edwin’s tastes in music and my own almost constantly conflict, but he doesn’t immediately buy into everything the Top 40 tells him to like, so I’m inclined to at least listen to and make a fair assessment of his recommendations. He stated that the beats and techno sounds had really won him over, being heavily reminiscent of chiptunes. I’m a man who loves his chiptunes, so I guess it was on that note that I decided that I would have to give the album a listen and see what he was going on about.

God damn it, he was right. They were all right.

I don’t listen to much music which could be cast into the pop genre without argument. Basically there’s Freezepop and that’s about it. The Ouendan soundtracks too, but J-Pop is a different beast entirely. I will irregularly tune into a bit of synth- or techno-pop, but never does the genre make itself a recurring theme in my music library. And now Ke$ha has gone and turned everything upside-down. I listened to Animal, although it started as an experiment in hopes of separating the parts I wanted to hear from those I didn’t. Before the album had finished downloading, I was well into my hunt for a program to remove the vocal tracks from MP3s. I tried a plugin for WinAmp first, and I didn’t even turn it on right away because when I loaded “Your Love is My Drug” I was instantly smitten.

Maybe it was the bleep-bloopy sounds playing softly in the background, or maybe it’s just a good song. I even played the song again right away because I was a bit confused about what I had just heard. Yup. Edwin was definitely right. A few more tracks in, I had noted that most of them did have succulent 8-bit sounds going on all over the place, and if there’s any one surefire way to get me interested in your product, it’s to play the nostalgia card. The music had me drowning in aural goodness that sounded like it had been composed on a good old grey brick Game Boy. Of course, a fair amount of the instruments (synthed instruments, whatever) had been upscaled because nobody but nerds like me are going to listen to songs that could have been made entirely with the Game Boy’s sound chip. I was a little disheartened to learn that none of the programs I’d downloaded could isolate those sounds, but I found solace in the fact that I really liked most of the album anyway.

The first track, “Your Love is My Drug,” as mentioned before, caught me right away. It’s just so infectious! The little end note always makes me laugh too. “Kiss N Tell” has some more of that chiptune-esque goodness that I looked into the album for in the first place, but I quite enjoy the rest of the song too. The aforementioned 8-bit sounds here for some reason reminds me of the music in Yogi Bear for Game Boy. I don’t know why, as the music isn’t really that similar. “Stephen” I swear could be on a Katamari soundtrack if it was in Japanese. That’s all I can think about when I listen to (and invariably sing along with) the song, especially during the slow verse. And “Animal”, oh how I love it! How did a song so in line with my tastes end up here? I don’t know!

I’m somewhat less excited about the rest of the album, and “TiK ToK” still rubs me the wrong way, but I’m warming up to it through familiarity. Though that stupid power-loss effect on the “shut us down-ow-ow-owwwnnn” part that’s on every second club song these days annoys me to no end. I never liked it, and I never will. I still don’t care for “Blah Blah Blah” on the whole however. There are a lot of songs on the album that I like that have fairly dirty lyrics, but “Blah Blah Blah” takes it just a little too far out of my comfort zone. Show a little restraint, woman! I try to tell myself that it’s satirical, but it provides little comfort.

The best thing I can say about Animal is that it provides a commendable amount of diversity. No two songs sound the same, and I was blown away by that, having judged the book by its cover again and whatnot. While Ke$ha’s supposed “war on pretension” theme doesn’t really come across without a little outside knowledge, it does make for a good party album, and some sweet driving tunes too! Being a man whose tastes cater mostly to 70’s rock, it’s not really socially acceptable for me to be enjoying this album as much as I am (at least in music snob circles), but then that’s actually the entire point. In fact, that fact that I’m picking this album apart means I’m doing it wrong. I still wish she’d picked a better genre to get into (punk would have suited the theme perfectly), because I just know I just fell a few rungs in the eyes of metal-heads everywhere. I really hate that I’m leaving the metal-heads unimpressed.

But in the end I’m happy. I don’t really think that my musical tastes will change as a result of this radically different introduction into my music library (and my iPhone!), and I don’t think that I’m going to be any less snobby about music either. But I feel like I have grown a little bit inside, expanding my horizons just enough to let a little bit of new experience trickle in, but not so much as to really change anything. It’s also quite a relief to get a little bit of hate out of my system. I mean, that hate and cynicism mostly defines how I look at music, but liking things makes life a lot easier. Also it pisses off my girlfriend a lot less. Speaking of which, I’m going to get so I-told-you-so’d when she reads this. That or she’s going to beat me with a sack of doorknobs for being so Goddamn annoying in my hated for Ke$ha and then turning around and saying how great she is. I think I’m just gonna hide out somewhere for a few days maybe…

Pokémon Article

Pokémon is not a regular occurrence in my life. Most of the time my interaction with the series will max out at thinking fondly of time spent playing the games, or choosing Lucario in Super Smash Bros Brawl. However, when the planets align and the fates conspire, I will take DS in hand and become one of the most indefinable gamer types in existence: The Pokémaniac.

There are many reasons that one might take up the task of being a Pokémon Master. Hell, some might not even care so much to be a master of the monsters, but rather just get in to enjoy a light-hearted RPG. I fall somewhere in between the two extremes. Me, I play Pokémon mostly because I’ve always played Pokémon. It’s more tradition than compulsion, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I take the game fairly lightly, mostly enjoying mastery of the two basic gameplay elements, battling and collecting. I don’t even properly understand what EV points are, nevermind how to make use of them and turn my monsters into fighting machines. I just like re-memorizing the different strengths and weaknesses of each Pokémon type every couple years, and then using that knowledge to lead my avatar (who is a 10-year-old girl) to victory over everyone else in my game card’s virtual world. It’s a very simple kind of satisfaction, but it’s one that I’ve yet to tire of.

The only qualm I have here is that while being able to drop all of my enemies in one hit is exciting for a while, eventually I always end up longing, for the, well, longer battles of other RPGs. Pokémon battles generally last about three minutes if it’s a full-on six-on-six fight, and that’s even when things aren’t going particularly well for either side. Wild battles and lesser trainers work perfectly fine with this formula, but when the gym leaders, rivals, and villain team leaders fall just as quickly, it feels fairly anticlimactic. This lends a much greater sense of importance to the Elite Four, who always put up a decent fight. I don’t want every fight to be a Tonberry King, but the battles that are supposed to be epic usually lose a lot of their punch because they’re over before you can really get into a groove.

There is of course an exception to this shortcoming, and it might be even more annoying: legendary Pokémon. I have fond memories of sitting in my room with my old gray brick Game Boy, hopelessly flinging Pokéballs at the legendary birds in the Blue version, entertaining myself with the thrill of the hunt, and that succulent joy of finally capturing the god-like avians. That thrill lingers no more in my soul, and legendary Pokémon now seem more of a chore to me than a enjoyable trial.

In SoulSilver, I’ve literally used two entire lunch breaks (and time away from work as well!) trying to catch the elusive Suicune, but the motherbuzzer simply will not be caught! I’ve spent thousands of Pokémon dollars on the finest Pokéballs money can buy and weeks amassing a collection of rare ball types, and yet none of them can hold the monster. I’ve engaged it in combat over a dozen times, the battles ending only because I ran out of capture devices, or more often because the beast killed itself because it ran out of attack moves and was forced to resort to the self-damaging Struggle move. Exasperated, I’ve moved on, and chose to come back only once I’ve found a way to acquire more Master Balls, which catch without fail.

All this trouble, and Suicune even stands still on the map, waiting for you to challenge it. It’s peers, Raikou and Entei are not so kind. They are equally ball-resistant, and to make matters worse, they travel randomly around the world map, making you play an awful game of cat-and-mouse until the game decides to take pity on you and you wind of in combat with one of them. At this point, you get a single move to make. Either you can throw a ball and hope for the best, or you can fire one attack off on the beast. After whatever happens (or perhaps even before, if your chosen fighter’s speed is low) the beastie will immediately run away, making you chase it around the world again. There are moves that can keep a Pokémon from running away in battle, but I don’t have the patience to not only find, but raise a monster for that sole task.

It gets progressively worse in that Game Freak has been doing this since the original Gold and Silver versions, and usually lets no less than three pocket monsters behave in this fashion. Which isn’t a whole lot when you consider that there are now a total of 493 of the little buggers. And that’s too many. Especially when you consider that a whole new generation will be unveiled by the end of the year. I was more than happy with 150. 250 wasn’t even that bad. I’d even feel less harassed by the sheer amount of monsters if Nintendo would allow just one version of the game in which you could actually catch them all. I know it flies in the face of everything the franchise stands for (NB: Making huge truckloads of money), but they could just make one special game card for me. I’m not saying it has to be an official release or anything. Having to trade between the two newest games isn’t a huge pain, but having to go back two handheld generations is a bit excessive. Moreso because even then there are a handful that can’t be obtained without cheating. Or the GTS.

And therein lies the greatest boon of the current Pokémon generation. The Global Trading System makes catching all those little bastards less of a tedious waste of time and more of a waiting game. Japanese kids will give you whatever you want so long as you’re willing to part with a monster that has an English name, and I have a lot of those. The Pokéwalker, the pedometer-esque device included with HeartGold and SoulSilver is another huge leap towards filling my Pokédex (bestiary, for the uninitiated). Not only does it let you catch new critters wherever you go without having to whip out your DS, but it also gives you access to a lot of Pokémon that you’d otherwise have to trade over from Diamond, Pearl, Sapphire or Ruby. And you get exercise at the same time! Everybody wins!

I’ll probably still never fill that Pokédex though. I’ve been making a sincere effort in SoulSilver, but I was very intent on doing it in Pearl too, and that petered out around the 300 mark. I even had a DS Action Replay to work with back then. If you could somehow play the game without ever getting the National Pokédex (which registers all monsters, the Johto Pokédex cuts out at 251) and pretend it didn’t exist, I probably would have done that. 251 is a much more reasonable goal. But I’m still going to go for it, because I’d like to do it even once, and better now than next year when I have roughly 100 more of the fuckers to catch.

After all this complaining, you might imagine that I’m not overly fond of the Pokémon franchise, but in reality I’d consider it my favourite RPG series. I know that all those Final Fantasies and Dragon Quests give you access to all the content in the game without making you buy several older installments in the series, but something about Pokémon really resonates with me. Strategy has a lot to do with it. Not many times in Pokémon will you just mash attack until everything is dead. I like that it makes you consider every move you make, and even though I’ll never actually finish a game, I do love the collecting aspect. I just like amassing large amounts of useless crap, and even better when it’s confined to the interior of a tiny little game card, and not cluttering up my living space.

So I’ll keep playing Pokémon. I’ll keep at SoulSilver until something shinier drags my attention away, and I’ll buy either the Black or White version when they come out next year, despite the fact that the last thing I want is another generation of new Pokémon. Next time you scoff at the “hook ’em while they’re young” marketing tactic, think about me and how much I love Pokémon despite all the things that annoy me about it.

Silent Hill: Shattered Memories

I’ve spent a lot of time stumbling my way through games in the Silent Hill series. While I have spent at least a little time with each, I’ve only finished three of them: the first, third, fourth. Oh, and Silent Hill: Play Novel, which is a bit of an oddity because it was entirely in Japanese and I don’t really count it because I just mashed the A button and selected random options until the text ran itself through. In any case, the original Silent Hill and SH4: The Room had always been my clear-cut favourites. SH4 was never a big fan-favourite, but I loved the story and gimmicks enough to look past the lousy controls and awful combat.

The original game I’ll always love because it birthed a franchise that has kept me captivated to this day, even though the actual gameplay in the series ranges from sketchy to mostly awful. While you always had a particular destination, the game gave you more or less free run of the town, with tons of little secrets to find all over the place. I think SH2 and Silent Hill: Origins were similar, and maybe even Silent Hill: Homecoming, but I’ve literally played less than two hours of each of those. I also liked that while the gameplay was still fairly sketchy, it was still serviceable, especially once you acquired the hammer, which basically makes Harry unstoppable if used correctly.

Also, Harry was awesome. Far and away my favourite character of the series. He was just a normal dude on a vacation gone wrong. No trite world-saving stuff here. Just a man on a mission to find his daughter. And who couldn’t sympathize with that? And he huffed an puffed if you made him run for too long. I totally understand that. Maybe he wasn’t the most strongly-developed character, but I still resent Konami and SH3 a little for what they did to Harry. Plus he’s got mad mixing skillz.

Given the last couple paragraphs, you might imagine my glee at hearing that Konami would be remaking the first game, a situation I’d been dreaming of for years now. What you might not have expected is my added glee upon learning that Tomm Hulett would be leading the project (he’s awesome guys. Go chat with him on Talking Time). Also the fact that it would be a re-imagining rather than a remake made the situation a little more interesting. On that note, you know this were gonna get crazy.

I kept up with the Shattered Memories thread on Talking Time up until the point where people were actually buying the game (I didn’t receive it until Christmas, a couple weeks after release), because I wanted as much hype as I could muster for this game, but no spoilers at all. And this worked out really well in that regard. Tomm would very regularly pop in between discussion and speculation to tease and offer tidbits about the game’s development here and there. Most of it was either cryptic or links to a development blog, but the one thing he made very clear was that Shattered Memories would very well live up to its title.

And it would do this in two ways, the most obvious being that it would be one of the central themes of the game. But the better part was that it meant that the game would subvert your expectations at every chance it got, taking everything you know about Silent Hill and twisting it into something new and wonderful. Or horrifying. whatever the context demanded. In any case, it was clear that there were going to be much greater differences between Shattered Memories and its inspiration besides the fact that Silent Hill would now be covered in ice instead of rust and corpses when Harry ventured into the Otherworld.

Speaking of which, the Otherworld itself is a huge departure from the source material in a lot of other ways. The first thing we learned was that combat was no longer an issue. As I’d mentioned previously, it had gotten downright terrible in previous games, so they axed it completely, and now when you’re confronted by enemies, Harry’s only recourse is to run like Hell. Which was a little iffy at first, but I believe it worked out for the best, because it gets incredibly tense when you’re running for your life and can’t find that exit! I am a little disappointed, however, because Tomm sort of led us astray by saying that the Otherworld could happen at any time, which I interpreted as meaning that it could literally happen anytime. That doesn’t happen. Otherworld transitions are still scripted, but they don’t just show up as the second half to each section of the game anymore, which is still an improvement.

While in the regular Silent Hill, Harry is fairly free of worry. Those Otherworld transitions will pop up here and there, probably catching first-time players off guard, but otherwise there’s nothing to fear but fear itself. The bulk of the non-escaping gameplay is exploring various locations, and that’s perfectly fine with me. Harry’s flashlight is an indispensable tool, and his seamlessly integrated cellphone, which acts as phone, camera, menu, and more is worked perfectly into the game. There is occasionally a little puzzle that needs figuring out, none of them particularly difficult. The big change is that they are no longer oblique adventure game puzzles, but rather perfectly natural situations that range from discovering a lock combination to escaping a locked car. It’s refreshing, and I’m glad not to have to spend hours reading into the subtext of a seemingly meaningless note to figure out a puzzle.

Harry himself is again the star of the show, and for many more reasons than the fact that he is a relatable regular Joe. In fact, if anything, players should be able to understand him even better, because this time he reacts to situations differently depending on the player. Sometimes Harry’s angry, sometimes he’s jittery, sometimes he’s just wallowing in desperation. You’ll most definitely sympathize with Harry throughout the game, watching him trudge on in search of his daughter as his situation continues to get worse and worse. And then at the end, maybe you won’t like him at all anymore if that’s the way your game plays out. It’s just one of the lovely aspects affected by the game’s highly publicized psychological profile feature.

When you turn on most Silent Hill games, you get a warning about gory and disturbing scenes. When you turn on Shattered Memories, you get a warning that the game is watching everything you do and changing itself to better disturb and scare you. And it does. Every move you make, from the more obvious therapy sessions with Dr. K that bookend each of the game’s chapters, to deciding whether to explore the men’s or women’s washroom first, is noted by the game, and it will decide how everything rolls out based on what it sees. Secondary characters change costumes and even personalities, you’ll have access to different buildings, and the forms the enemies take will be altered to represent your worst fears. Of course, these are just the most obvious changes. Everything down to the billboards scattered around town have the potential to change, and this feature of the game is best observed by playing to the conclusion of the game, and then watching someone else play through.

The only thing I have to complain about is that the exploration aspect of Silent Hill has been somewhat lessened in this iteration. While most of your time with the game will be spent exploring, you never get full run of the town as with the original, and that’s something I miss dearly. It’s never obvious, but most of the time the game is simply herding you from one building to the next, never giving you much chance to check out places you don’t need to be. On the flip side, if I had been given that freedom, the time I spent on a single playthrough would have increased exponentially. And in this very particular case, that would have been a bad thing. For one, it’s a very concise game, clocking in at five or six hours on a fresh run; three or less on a replay. More personally, I don’t have the time for epic sixty-hour quests anymore, so games like this that I can actually get to the end of in less than a month are more than welcome, especially when they’re as replayable as Shattered Memories is (what with having five endings and endless amounts of other little changes to discover and all).

Shattered Memories goes a long way to distinguish itself from the original Silent Hill. The core gameplay is almost entirely different. The story is completely redone after the first twenty minutes of the game, and even the characters won’t be the same Silent Hill crazies you remember. In fact, the only true links to the original game are Harry, the fact that he’s searching for his daughter after a car crash, and the general order of areas you visit while in town. Spoiler or not, there is no Satan-worshiping cult in this game. There are no sexy nurse monsters. There is no Pyramid Head (thank God). It’s a game about Harry, his quest for the truth, and to a lesser degree, the oftentimes disturbing (but completely grounded in reality) situations that the townsfolk get themselves into. It’s a fantastically atmospheric game, and I love every part of it, even though it has almost nothing in common with the game it’s based on. It’s creepy, it’s sad, it’s tasteful, and it’s so much fun. And the best part is that you have no idea how the game will end until you’re walking down the very last hallway.