Category: /b/

I’m not going to lie, I feel like the Fourteen Stupid Ryan “Facts” post that I ran a couple weeks ago is probably the best and most creative thing that I’ve written in years. And it’s barely even a complete idea.

It’s a clever (funny?) thing on its own; that it was preceded by a list of actual facts really made it shine. And now I have this sinking feeling that I’ll never be able to write anything anywhere near as inspired. I don’t even know where the inspiration for it came from. For once in my life, ideas just rolled out of my head, as opposed to how I usually just take something I like that someone else did and twist it into something I can claim as my own.

Even if they weren’t actually a “smart” or “good” or “funny” pair of posts, the fact remains that it was far more fun to write them than anything else that I’ve written in quite some time.

Anyway, I guess the point is that now I’m depressed that I’m an idiot who can only have an original idea by accident.

Ryan is a well-known stained glass craftsman.

Ryan has read the dictionary from cover to cover.

Ryan owns a pet coconut crab.

Ryan sells maps to the stars’ homes.

Ryan makes the world’s most delicious chocolate crepes.

Ryan is perfectly comfortable interacting with other people.

Ryan once ate seventeen whole pizzas in a single sitting.

Ryan helped to develop an effective anti-aging serum.

Ryan tames lions on the weekends.

Ryan is a visitor from beyond the stars.

Ryan is not in love with Anna Kendrick.

Ryan walks like an Egyptian.

Ryan gave up his rights to the Crown to pursue a career as a mime.

Ryan is simply a persona, TE is actually written by Jack McBrayer.

Ryan likes to do kung-fu kicks when nobody’s looking.

Ryan drinks between two and four cappuccinos every work day.

Ryan generally doesn’t drink coffee on weekends.

Ryan dreams about living a carefree life on the high seas.

Ryan’s greatest fear is ghosts. And recently, murderous robots.

Ryan suffers from trichotillomania, specifically in the mustache area.

Ryan dislikes hot weather.

Ryan hits the snooze button on his alarm up to seven times some mornings.

Ryan is not a fan of dress pants.

Ryan tries a little too hard to hold on to his past.

Ryan is not a bear.

Ryan does wish that he could do a better Winnie the Pooh voice, though.

Ryan sometimes wonders what ambition feels like.

Ryan is hungry.

I’ve been frantically catching up on No More Whoppers lately, and one of my favourite segments on the show is the fairly rare “Guy Who Doesn’t Understand Wikipedia.” That’s really just my reasoning for having named this post what I did. This won’t be nearly as short or funny as that skit usually is.

When I browse Amazon, I often stop to read a few of the user reviews of items that I’m interested in. Sometimes they’re helpful when I’m trying to discern details of a product, or when I need a little extra push before I put an item in my cart. Other times, they are something else entirely.

I won’t give any details on what product this is a review of, or who the person is that posted it (should be easy enough to Google if you’re that interested), but here’s the entirety of an Amazon user review that I saw recently:

“The only thing that would make volume two better than volume one is if it will have carrecter and vehicle bios on everything and everyone on the show , aswell as an explanation as to why the show had to end in a cliffhanger . Note : A cliffhanger is when a show ends with the story unfinished , the bad guys are still at large and your left wondering what is ( or in this case was ) sapose to happen next but with that question never getting ansered .”

What even is this? This isn’t a review! I’m not even outraged at the copious spelling errors. What bothers me is the fact that this person is assuming that there might be someone out there who doesn’t know what a cliffhanger is, and spends half of his review giving a loose explanation of the concept.

In all fairness, it’s entirely possible that there are people in this world who don’t know what a cliffhanger is. But those people are not the ones who are browsing TV DVDs on Amazon. I can guaranteed you that much. I really hate it when people feel like they have to go out of their way to explain really common concepts.

Actually the spelling is bugging me a little, but that’s not really the point. Proper spelling wouldn’t make this “review” any less stupid.

Your regularly scheduled Dark Souls programming is going to be taking a break this week, because I didn’t write it. I know this is going to really upset the 7 imaginary readers who’ve been following the series with vigor, but you’ll all have to sit tight until next Thursday for your fix.

I was going to type some other stuff in here instead, but then I forgot what I wanted to write about. So all you get is this filler post.